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Have you left and been happier?(60 Posts)
Things are not good with DH and I. In fact they are awful.
I am finally seeing things for what they are.
It's a really horrible environment for me, and the children.
He is lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive and he does nothing really to help me.
I am 90% sure that I need to leave, but I am terrified of making the wrong decision.
I keep being told by those around me how difficult leaving will be. The financial implications, the impact on the children, the reality of being a single parent, etc.
It will be messy and hideous.
I suppose I'm looking for some positive stories from people who have left, to help me with my decision. I have a step daughter full time who I will miss terribly if I go, it will mess up her whole life and I will miss DH but I can't see an alternative - these must be factors in most seperations so was leaving worthwhile?
Not sure if I make sense, my head is not very clear at the moment.
I could have been you ... I'm
Dashing out but just wanted to say it took me 6 years to pluck up the courage to leave ... It's now 4 years since we split and my life and my Ds have never been better, to live as in a happy free environment is better than I can tell you. It was tough at the beginning but with time it got better and better. I've now met a wonderful man , we're getting married my Ds and family adore him. I thank my lucky stars that I found the courage to act and move forward with my life. I've posted lots on here when I was living through the horror, if you take a look it says it all the verbal abuse and misery made for a horrific life.
Trust me, you and your children will be ok, life goes on, there are so much happier times ahead for you.
I was far happier after I left my first H. It wasn't plain sailing and there were difficult times but I was living my own life again, and there was no-one whittling away at my confidence, undermining me at every opportunity or mocking my aspirations. It took me a long time before I gathered the strength to leave but I never regretted it.
I'm sorry that our lovely child was hurt then but now that he's an adult, he says that he totally recognises why I had to leave. He and I have a fantastic bond.
I left 14 months ago now and am infinitely happier, especially since my decree absolute came through a month and half ago. Exh was abusive in all sorts of ways and it really wasn't an option to stay anymore for my and my DCs' safety and well-being.
I am and always have been financially independent. I am financially worse off after the divorce but can still support myself and DCs and it's worth every penny to be rid of him. Being a single parent without him is so much easier than before - where I was doing all the parenting alone anyway and having to manage around an abusive partner.
DCs are happy and settled, living in a peaceful, happy home. I feel like I have finally become myself again after 9 years with a bad partner. A massive weight was lifted off my shoulders and a veil from over me the day I got my decree absolute and became a free woman again. I feel like I'm reconnecting with the person I was 10 years ago. I am dating again. I make decisions in my own home. I am enjoying the time I spend with my DCs. I am enjoying my job. I am grateful that I have my DCs, my family, my friends, my health, my job - all the things that really matter.
I could keep going on for pages more about how much better things are now. Whilst I was going through it, I was agonising about whether it was the right decision, whether I was doing the right thing, whether I should go through with it. Now, having come out from the other side, I know it was absolutely the right thing for me and DCs.
I asked Ex to leave the begining of this year for all of the reasons you said above. When he agreed my over riding feeling was one of relief. I have had some incredibly sad times, still do, but I know I will get over it and I feel content now, not the constant low level depression I felt when we were together.
We have two children that spend more quality time with their Dad now we are separated and they have accepted the change incredibly well. I virtualy raised them both on my own, as ex did not help, and now there is less to do as I don't have his washing, cooking and tidying! So I have more quality time with the dc's, I am more relaxed and so are they.
It took me 2 years to decide things were never going to get better, but I'm so glad I took that decision.
I too am very, very content with my decision. I should have done it sooner but stayed because of the children. Our relationship became more and more poisonous though, so I would not recommend this.
It's not easy being a single parent. I get no financial support from him. he was - and is - a truly awful person. Other people judge you.
BUT my life - and our children's lives - are so, so much better.
Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences.
I am really sad and angry with him that it has come to this - our lives together could be perfect - I took on the mother role for his daughter so he didn't have to worry about that anymore, we have a nice house, good jobs, nice area, a beautiful baby and he has ruined it all.
I tried to talk to him a few weeks ago about how I feel - he appeared to take it on board but the very next day he started telling me I was trying to manipulate him, he wasn't going to stand for it and asking me why I said all those things.
I am exhausted from managing his behaviour. His family are awful and they are all so aggressive and I just want out of it.
Reading this post with great interest. I'm going through break up (on another thread) and worry if I'm making the right decision.
Interestingly none of you have said they wish they'd stayed and try to make things work. I have tried that and it's not working!
Maybe it's a case of when deep down you feel it's over, it probably is.
Good luck OP. X
They are the ones that lose out in the end, don't let his failings drag you down ... You and your children deserve happiness ... I thought my son didn't know as he was only 5, it's shocked me since the stuff he has remembered ... I remember breaking down at the doctors saying I felt awful that my son would come from a broken home
She said "better to come from one than live in one" those few simple words couldn't be more true
I'm so glad I left my EA ex, felt so guilty at the time for not having the 'perfect' home for my DD, but 8 years on, I'm married to a lovely man with dd2 and another one on the way, so she has got a lovely family after all.
Ex still pisses me off and tries to be emotionally manipulative even now, I hate to think what life would have been like if I'd stayed! Good luck.
I didn't leave, but I kicked my ex out when I discovered his affair.
With hindsight, I realise that there were red flags I didn't recognise as such right from the very beginning (where was MN then, eh!) and my relationship was not a happy one. But because there was nothing 'concrete' I felt I couldn't do anything about it.
When he had the affair, yes, I was hurt, felt betrayed, devastated etc, but once the initial shock had subsided I was much happier.
Someone told me only this morning how I was now a different person to the one she met 3 years ago. So much happier, more confident, etc.
So yes, I am happier. Genuinely so.
Houmous Looking back, I think perhaps I could have tried harder, but at the time each of us can only do what we're capable of at that particular point in time. IYSWIM. And I wasn't able to do anything more than I did.
And 'tried harder' would have meant additional confrontation, argument, upsetting the children.
And yes, you're right, when it's over, it's over. You can't go back. So onwards and upwards!
I keep being told by those around me how difficult leaving will be.
When my ex stole £600 from my credit card and I kicked him out, my mum told me to take him back because he had nowhere to go. MY mum.
When he terrorised me in my own home for a month, refusing to move out and I finally called the police, he stood outside my door all day ranting and raving, then broke in through a window and smashed a glass to hit me with. That time it was HIS mum who told me to take him back and drop the charges. She is a midwife, she should know better.
I don't know what this phenomenon is, but it seems to me that when people tell a victim not to leave, its more to do with their own difficulty in accepting change, than any true concern for how difficult you may find it.
I left and I have never looked back. In the short term it might be a struggle financially, you might miss him or doubt yourself. But its worth it. A relationship should be a lovely addition to your life, it shouldn't take over your life and make it worse.
Me and ex h separated and divorced this year and I am now a single mum to our toddler. He was one at the time. It's not easy and I do not have the same lifestyle and finances I had before but I am so much more emotionally happier. Ex h was not abusive or lazy I just did not love him anymore. It can't be worse on your own can it??
I left & I'm happier. I've been without him for 11 years now. Yes, it was tough at times as a single mum but that didn't make me miserable in the same way as being with him did.
My DCs were a toddlers & a baby, so have never known any different. I think kids are adaptable though & would rather be in a happy environment than a miserable one.
I'm immeasurably happier and so is my ds. It's as though I was battling through a flooding river with a huge lump of concrete on my back and now I can just stand up and walk normally.
I've only recently left and things are tough: money is a worry and the ex continues to be a FW, but none of this seems very important at all compared with being able to relax.
Actually, thinking a bit more about it, I know why my current worries don't seem too bad: they are all things I can and will take care of, eventually. Contrary to what my ex was always telling me, I am a competent and capable person and all these issues are within my control.
Whereas, the ex being an abusive FW was totally outside my control
I kicked my ex out 13 years ago and never regretted it. Being a single parent was much easier than being a parent with an abusive twat of a partner. Thanks to that decisionI have been able to make so many more strong life changing decisionsdecisions and my life has moved in so many directions that would have been impossible if I had stayed with ex.
Yes I am happy
I left in March after 13 years. For me the first few months were very difficult. Adjusting to being a single mother has been challenging. But it has been sooo worth it. Myself and the dc live in a much calmer and pleasant environment. No resentment, arguing and tense atmosphere any more. Having gone through this I now feel like I can deal with anything, I know I am strong and my life is gradually improving a little more each day.
Don't get me wrong I have still down days but these are becoming less and less with time.
Financially I am coping well, I work part time and claim tax credits. I am also studying with the open university.
Don't listen to others who have no experience of the situation. It is scary to make a life changing decision but imo its scarier to live with regret.
He walked out to see his 16yr old gf at his mates and the next day I had a solicitors appt and double bolted all the doors. I was in a homeless hostel for 7 months with no money nothing and my under 3yr old ds.
It was awful I had nowt whilst he holidayed in Cancun and rented a big flat somewhere for himself and spent tens of thousands.
13rs later I'm re married to a truly fab man and it was the best decision I ever made. I cannot describe or remember half the things he tried to do to me to bring me down, it was all about control and even now still try's it on .
My mantra now is the mums net mantra fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there call a cab and fuck off a bit further.
every minute you stay is a minute less you have in your new life,
You never get it back.
Yes. I left two years ago. I have two children and although it was hard at first for them they are now so much happier and calmer!
I was worried about the financial implications too but I'm actually better off in many ways as I get to manage all my own money. I started out working just 16 hours a week with tax credits to to up but am gradually increasing my hours. I'm loving my life now. leading was the best thing I ever did. Just wish I'd found the strength to do it much earlier!
Staying in an unhappy marriage is a slow torture and despite my thinking I was doing it for the children etc it's very clear now that they had picked up on my misery. Seeing them gain in confidence is fabulous and I finally feel like I'm a worthwhile role model for them!
Another happy leaver. And both XDH and I have found new partners and are remarrying next year.
It's tough and messy in the short term, but well worth it in the long term. Like childbirth.
YES. So much happier. I could not have imagined my life today if I'd stayed.
I don't regret "not trying harder" in the slightest, in fact, I am fully convinced that there's nothing I could have done, XP and I were totally incompatible even if he wasn't a total arse.
Leaving was easy for me when I resolved for myself that the reason we had to split was because of his behaviour, not mine. I still get all the abuse and attitude - but I don't need to care about it anymore. The abuse I get, though, is motivated by his incredible disbelief that I didn't go back to him when he said I should. And each day has been happier than the one before.
If you think more about going than staying, it's definitely time to act...
Yes, yes, yes. A million miles better. One day you will wake up and realise you are a little bit happy for a little bit of time and gradually the happy bits grow and grow.
You will do something new and wonderful you never dreamt you would do, find strength you never knew you had, make friends with people you would never have met and most importantly you will be growing and creating a home without the stress and distortion of someone who saps the joy out of your existence
It's a hell of a decision to make, and you have to be sure. You don't want "what ifs" and "maybes".
I left ExH. Had a rough couple of years on my own with oldest 2 DCs, met now DH and after 16 years together (and with more DCs) we're still happy. So much more suited, so much happier than I ever could have been with Ex (who was a decent man - just a crap husband). And even in those rough years working FT on my own with young kids - I was still happier than I had been.
Another one saying yes. Most definitely yes.
Happy but not necessarily happier IYSWIM.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Left with my dd1 wrapped in a quilt and two black bin bags in a taxi! He was horrible, a bully, abusive and it was the hardest fucking thing I have ever done in my life because I think I still loved him a little. Cried my eyes out.
It was the best thing I ever did getting away from that twat.
Bumped in dh a couple of years later, absolute love of my life. More than happy.
Do it. Good luck
I was 20, he had emptied our joint bank account, I had £10 In my pocket and walked out at 4am, after he had come in drunk and held me up against the wall with a knife to my throat, with just 1yo DS and our clothes. All I had was a minimum wage 20 hour a week job and my parents box room.
He made my life miserable for nearly 2 years. But now 4 years on and it was the best decision I have ever made. It was hard, lonely, frustrating and exhausting, but I'm so glad I did it.
These stories are inspiring and strangely comforting, and I went through this years ago!
There may be times when you feel lonely, after you've left, but there are few things lonelier than being in an unhappy marriage.
Yes. I only left in July, big upheaval, abusive relationship, moved to new area. Things aren't easy.
But I feel so much calmer. Things, even the difficult things, are my-sized. I can choose what to prioritise without consulting with someone who doesn't listen, or DO any of the action points. Someone else said its like no longer pulling a concrete block, I feel like that too. The DCs while struggling because of the changes, are more relaxed. They like that life is more adapted to them and their needs, not his needs. Working full time, having less money, being a single mum without local support, doing everything, is so much easier, for me, than an outwardly far easier existence but feeling so isolated next to him and overworked while he did nothing, and basically where his needs were prioritised again and again. We live a quieter life, but we giggle together.
No one takes this decision lightly. A line of poetry that influenced me, 'What will you do with your one, wild, precious life?'
I don't yet know what I'll do. But I sure wouldn't have found out propping him up any longer.
I left at the beginning of the year and promptly discovered that I was pregnant. I can't describe how much more fun and stress free this pregnancy has been without my ex.
My DS toddler spends better time with his father, and ex and I have a good working relationship regarding children because I can step back when he is trying to be manipulative.
Even now with a 3 week old and a poorly toddler I am relieved to be on my own, there is a lighthearted element to life again.
Financially I am better off and I no longer need to claim benefits.
Ds isn't exposed to appalling behaviour between his parents, nor is he being given a constant example of how to treat women badly.
I could go on. The worst moment is taking that huge leap and saying the words. As a pp said, after that you can walk upright again.
Good luck op, whatever your decision.
I think so.
Have been on my own for 4 months. Everyday I feel sad, hurt angry and guilty. The first three because his emotional neglect of me for several years and particularly during my last pregnancy wounded me deeply. Guilty because I worry everyday that my kids are being affected by it, guilty because our toddler will never know his parents together.
But better I suppose because I no longer expect him to offer me support and interest and conversation and then feel hugely disappointed, let down and worthless because he can't do it.
I just have to believe it will get better.
It's a funny thing. I've noticed that the people around you will say 'stay, stay, stay for the children, the finance and everythign else will be so hard' to someone deciding to separate.
But if you listen to the people who have actually left the unpleasant OH themselves, they generally say they are a lot happier.
My seperation made me miserable, depressed and everything in between. I questioned everything about myself. After 10 months, I cannot believe how far I've come. I may be lonely, but I'm one heck of a strong independent woman.
I posted the other day that my ex has been sniffing around and I got drawn in a bit. But having not seen him for a week I go back to my strong self.
I'm nervous about life, but excited about what it holds for me.
Being with my ex would be me compromising on potential happiness with someone who has never hurt or betrayed me. In life you have no dress rehearsal so never settle xx
Yes yes yes.
I got P to leave. I stayed too long willing him to change and be the man he was 70% of the time 100% of the time.
The DC and I have been much happier. It was the right thing to do.
You think being SP will be so hard, it's a cliche in so many ways. Being a parent is hard. Being SP without moody shouty unsupportive deadweight is a piece of cake.
I left. I agonised over it for years. It was the best thing I ever (eventually) did, my life is now brilliant yours will be too without someone who is lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive and ... does nothing really to help. How could it not be? x
I'm 2 and a half years on, BTW. The first bit was bloody difficult, but so worth it.
Oh god yes...
My situation is different in that eventually I made him leave. Long story.
Anyway, the result was better relationships with dcs and no longer doubting that I was at fault really in our relationship (I am human!)
I won't lie, it was very difficult at first, but I look back now and wonder why on earth I tried to keep things going for so long,
This: *Being a parent is hard. Being SP without moody shouty unsupportive deadweight is a piece of cake."
I left one year ago today and it's bloody great. Nobody spent any of my money today on amplifiers whilst begrudging me a lunch out with a friend, nobody has moaned that I haven't done all the washing up (despite the fact that I've been working all day and they don't work at all, or indeed do any washing up) or shout and swear at me in front of DS for not putting said child in the bath in the exact way prescribed by them.
YY - it's nearly a year for me too.
An entire year without at least a week of moodiness being inflicted upon us all in the run up to every family celebration - birthdays, Easter, summer holiday. Right now if I was still with XP we would be starting to be inflicted with the Xmas 'mood/grumpiness' - for no reasons at all, other than that is how he choose to act.
I would have had a month of "I'm in debt - pay this debt for me or else I will be a fucking nightmare forever" at some point in the year.
These are in addition to the endless and erratic "I'm fucked off/angry/going to get abusive because you said something in the wrong tone to me" moments that could last for a week at a time or more.
Oh yes Fairy - I am happy after whole year without this draining aggro. I'm still working me out, myself out - that is a work in progress, but happy to be freed from the moody aggressive head fuck of living with XP - yes indeed!!!
The thing that cracked it for me was realizing I didn't have to figure him out!!!! HE CHOOSES TO BE LIKE THIS! The only mystery for me was why I was still with him!
Once I got there in my head, the rest was a piece of cake. I'm not saying life is perfect - I'm still tired etc. But no more tired that most Mum's of young children.
I got out about 3 years ago, was hardest decision of my life, we have 4 dc, like u I worried about money, being a single parent, how I would cope.
best thing I ever did, my child r happier than ever.
dont get me wrong it wasnt easy, few times I had wobbles and thought I should go bak, I kept strong for sake of kids.
now mummys happy they r much happier.
if ud wanna chat/need a shoulder pm me x
Yes. Short term pain, long term gain.
Finally told my husband in Jan 2011 I wanted to split up after three years of wanting to. Took so much courage to do it, but I can honestly say I have never regretted the decision, not once. He was a lazy selfish husband and father and I fell out of love with him. We went to relate twice during our marriage, but in the end it couldn't be saved. For a period of time after we split I thought he might be changing, for the good of our son, but he has eventually reverted to type.
I am such a different person now to how I was, I realise I spent years with such low self esteem because of the way he treated me. There is no denying it has been hard at times, and still is in lots of ways, but what I had dreaded was financial difficulties and that's actually been ok. What has been difficult is the effect on DS, who took it harder than expected. Having said all that, I believe DS is much better off with two parents who aren't in a corrosive, loveless marriage, and I know I certainly am.
Only you can make the decision, but just remember that life is too short to be unhappy. And you certainly sound it. Everyone deserves happiness.
Good luck. You are stronger than you think.
Over two years out the other side - two years that have been so tough, very upset child and stepkids - but now I find myself financially better off, running my lovely new home the way I want and living life for real with lovely new partner who gives me space.
Ironically, ex and I, we are now civil to the point of friendly, where I can now see the nice traits re emerging in him that I once fell for. And he is envious of the lifestyle I now have that I so desperately wanted him to share with us as a family. But he wouldn't budge. So desperate was his need to control me.
And still I don't want him back. I am happy that we are over the worst of it, prioritising our child and will be friends long term, he is not all bad but I still don't want him. I am much happier and he is kicking himself at what could have been. I take little pleasure in that, I just feel sorry for him.
Best move I made. Extremely stressful but worth it.
I left a month ago, here's my thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1887823-Please-tell-me-is-this-as-bad-as-I-think?msgid=43609438
I am definitely happier once I made him leave.
I had forgotten who I was. I was so cowed. I found myself asking permission to open the back door. In I house I pay the mortgage on. Now he's gone it's like waking up from a coma. Remembering who I used to be. Not living in fear of having every little decision, however mundane, questioned and challenged until you think your judgement doesn't work any more.
"one wild, precious life" is my new favourite phrase. it is precious. If someone is not treating you like you are precious, get rid.
Things have reached crisis point here. I'm not sure how much more I can take. I think he is bordering on being mentally unwell - his thought processes are so skewed. He sent DSD to her room yesterday because she asked me how long a the pantomime we saw went on for - he had already told her so felt that it was a 'personal attack' she is 8 and was hysterical.
He has still not dropped the issue and is still telling her she is disloyal and disrespectful now.
His mother made a joke about him paying for the ice creams at half time and cobwebs in his wallet and he completely freaked out - I told him it was a shame that he had to get so angry at an obvious joke when it should have been a nice evening and he said I humiliated him, made him out to be nuts and was a psychopath and very manipulative.
His outbursts, anger and over sensitivity is getting out of hand. He was so angry with me he squared up to me in the street - as he was speaking with such venom it was spraying in my face and was in front of everybody.
I spoke to him this morning about it - I was so upset yesterday - his treatment of me is one thing but him subjecting the children to it is just unacceptable - I went to a friends for he evening and he was left alone.
When we spoke this morning he made it clear that he feels that I am completely in the wrong.
It sounds stupid but he is so constantly telling me that I am the one who is wrong - I am always called manipulative, crazy, a psycho and overly dramatic - I can't tell anymore whether I am in the wrong or not.
MIl is having the children tonight so we can talk properly but I don't know what to say to him - I need to get accross that I really am genuinely concerned for him and that his behaviour is totally unacceptable but I know he will turn it all around and make out like I am nuts.
I have reached my limit but feel so guilty.
I don't think there is anything you can say: my ex had a similar disconnection with reality, would "not remember" vile things he had done so accused me of making it up, and always blamed everyone except himself for his behaviour. He would behave absolutely appallingly and then just get up the next day and pretend nothing whatsoever had happened.
It's very difficult to accept that you are dealing with someone who is essentially insane. I spent years attempting to have proper conversations, trying to work out why he was so unreasonable, tryng to make him understand that he was the one with a skewed view of things, but it will never change anything. All you will achieve is more grief for you and your dcs and more erosion of your self. Stop bothering about what makes him tick and start looking after you.
* Stop bothering about what makes him tick and start looking after you.*
and your children. this has got to be dreadful for them. Your poor 8 year old :/
Thank you to both of you.
That's just it, meerka. I feel like I have reached my tipping point now and even if I hadn't - I can't be with a man who treats the children like this. I will be devastated to leave my step daughter as I have looked after her full time for nearly 4 years but I can't let her think it is acceptable to be treated like this, and I don't want DS to think it is ok to treat his partners like this either.
Another yes here I left five months ago now, after driving myself insane with shall I shan't I, worrying about the future I finally got on with it, a few events pushed me to the final decision and since I have found out that he sold me an entire lie from the word go it's hard, but I feel more like me than I ever did during our marriage. I am on my own with dcs now, I have no home and am living with relatives,I am looking for work and have more issues to worry about now but I am happier. Good luck
Meerka the 8yo isn't the OP's daughter it's her stepdaughter.
Nothing you can do for her OP (except possibly refer to SS??) but I hope to god that someone is looking out for her.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I left. It has been hard. I hit the bottom. But my girls and I are much happier now. It's a very difficult decision. But you can't regret it. Lok forward and suddenly the future appears and you wonder why you put up with the downs for so long. Suddenly you can do what you like. The kids are happy and the worries go. I know longer feel obliged to do the chores. I have more patience for the kids and enjoy life.
Look forward not back.
lazy, difficult, rude, verbally aggressive..exactly the same as my ExH. Yes, I did leave and was a whole lot happier without his shouting, noise, aggression and ignorance, which impacted on my DCs too.
The best thing after Id got rid (with great difficulty) was having a peaceful home again, being able to have friends round again (I didnt whilst with him, in case he threw one of his ignorant shouting fits in their presence). Just, getting on with life with my DCs without noise and anxiety around me. Taking up my hobbies again. Going to work not feeling depressed about my home life. Life is so much better without an emotional abuser in it. Got loads of verbal abuse and threats when we finished, which then changed to long drivelling emails about me being the love of his life, he's a changed man, blah blah blah..I didnt fall for the crap though. He was just angry that Id ended the relationship and would have taken his anger out on me for doing so, if Id foolishly gone back to him. He still emails from time to time..more fool him for wasting his time, I wouldnt look at him again much less reply.
Ive been with my lovely current OH for 4 years now, despite feeling Id never meet, or want to meet, another man again. My DCs love him to bits, he treats them as if theyre his own. He was shocked when I eventually told him what Id been through with ExH. He's the complete opposite to that bullying idiot I wasted too much time with. I wouldnt have met him if Id continued to let ExH blight my life.
Dont waste your good years on a man who isnt worth it. Even being alone is better than that..the prospect of staying with such a man and in time to come looking back down the years with regret at the unhappy life you led with him, is an awful option for any woman. You never get time back. But I think you know this, OP. You sound like a very sensible woman. Good luck with all..going through the breakup will be horrible but as you can see from the thread, we're all so much better for it
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