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Emotional affair over

(34 Posts)
Barbados01 Mon 09-Dec-13 17:54:44

Hi everyone I'm in a real pickle iv been happily married for 22 years my husband is a good man we are very comftable nice house holidays and good lifestyle as well as 2 sons21 and 18 I honestly have never looked elsewhere , until a couple of months ago I ran into someone I used to know and wham bam I thought I'd been run over fell hopelessly in love.he is twice divorced with 5 kids and not much money but we've been texting and when iv seen him around , he's a local shop manager we've had kisses and cuddles, all of a sudden he's gone cold on me and I feel like my hearts been ripped out how can I get over this

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 09-Dec-13 18:05:32

I think you will need to 1) accept that you were having a RL affair, not an emotional one and 2) decide whether you want to go on with your marriage.

If you do want your marriage to work you'll have to decide whether you tell or don't tell your husband. If you haven't been spotted so far you've been incredibly lucky. If you're going to keep quiet then you undertake to do so forever, tell NOBODY and concentrate on your husband and family.

There are other shops, don't go to this one again. The pain you're feeling is the price you have to pay for an 'underground relationship'. Count yourself lucky if you are still able to carry on with your life intact. Safeguard yourself from any further contact with this man and stop questioning why it's over, it just IS.

Every day will hurt a bit less but you won't feel that for a while.

EdithWeston Mon 09-Dec-13 18:13:01

You need to decide if you are going to work in your marriage to improve it (and really mean it), or if you want to end it.

Barbados01 Mon 09-Dec-13 18:43:42

But I really feel as if I'm in love with him , I married very young and never felt these feelings for my husband , has anyone else been in the same situation and left the marraige and been happy

Barbados01 Mon 09-Dec-13 19:00:05

Also I have to go into his shop as my dad is disabled and I get all his food orders etc from there as it's dad's fav shop and I'm his primary carer

scaevola Mon 09-Dec-13 19:14:08

It sounds like you're making excuses.

If you want to end your marriage, end it; then you'll be free to pursue whoever you want to, however you want to.

ALittleStranger Mon 09-Dec-13 19:46:47

Loads of people have left their marriage in these circumstances and been happy. You don't need them to give you permission, and they also can't tell you how your life will work out.

I agree with the PP that you're making terrible excuses. You could stop going to the shop. The fact is you're hurt that the OM has rejected you and you want to keep putting needling him to see if you can make him change his mind.

Maybe he's lost interest. Maybe he's not comfortable being involved with a married women. It's sort of irrelevant, your primary concern has to be what do you want to do about your marriage, stay or go?

KingRollo Mon 09-Dec-13 19:49:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingRollo Mon 09-Dec-13 19:51:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

your not showing any remorse in your posts so best bet is do your poor dh a favour and leave.

Allofaflumble Mon 09-Dec-13 20:50:03

I don't think what you are feeling is love - it is excitement and that is very different. Maybe you could find a sport that gives you an adrenaline rush for I am sure that is what you are feeling really.

Be a shame to give up your marriage for something so unimportant in the great scheme of things.

Barbados01 Mon 09-Dec-13 21:48:21

I know I'm probably coming across as a heartless cow , but I'm not I do feel guilty about hurting my husband but iv never experienced such emotion as I did with other man, I know I have to forget about this I was wondering if anyone else had been in my situation and what the outcome was.

Notmadeofrib Mon 09-Dec-13 21:54:39

The outcome?
Hurt, pain, tears , upset, anger. Sometimes it works out, often it doesn't.

Fairenuff Mon 09-Dec-13 21:54:57

I do feel guilty about hurting my husband but...

When you try to qualify something with a 'but' it indicates that you don't really mean what you were saying. So, no, you don't feel guilty about hurting your husband.

Let's be clear, if you did feel bad about it, you wouldn't do it would you?

You are struggling to honest with anyone here, especially yourself.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do but something must be a miss between you and your husband for this to have happened. you need to work out what and if anything what you would like to do to rectify it.

if that isn't the case, getting out sooner rather than later is best for all involved, id say.

FluffyJumper Mon 09-Dec-13 22:10:28

Millions have done what you have done OP, and I don't think that it necessarily makes them bad people, so I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here.

I too get the impression that you were looking for excitement, I think that it's very easy to mistake it for love.

Barbados01 Mon 09-Dec-13 22:14:06

Thank you for your advice I know it's best if I forget about the other man and concentrate on my husband and family , maybe it's just my hormones as I'm now in my forties

IsTheGrassGreener Mon 09-Dec-13 22:35:18

OP I have recently been in the position of the "other woman" in an affair. (I am single.) Our feelings for each other are similar to what you describe - I have never felt anything like that before. Neither has the married man. We have fallen so deeply in love with each other, the longing is driving us crazy. The result is that we have today ended the affair for good, which I think is the right decision. We are not in a sane state of mind to take far reaching decisions like that. Neither are you I think. Wait until you have calmed down a bit and then assess the state of your marriage.

Barbados01 Mon 09-Dec-13 22:48:17

Oh I really feel for you is the grass greener you must be distraught , I will take your advice I'm not going into his shop till the new year I will send my son to pick up my dad's groceries as he is home from uni and then I will see how I feel, sending you big hugs x

MamaPingu Mon 09-Dec-13 23:08:40

I'm not experienced in this or anything but what I've found with relationships is you always feel so wonderful and "in love" at the start but reality hits and it's finished before you know it and maybe these feelings have been magnified by a marriage you aren't truly happy in?
You could soon find these feelings would have ended not long after tearing your family apart.

I'd admit all to your husband, years of lying has taught me honesty is the only way to lead a happy life, a clear conscience is invaluable

parakeet Mon 09-Dec-13 23:14:09

How would you feel if your husband was doing what you have done?

Treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself.

IsTheGrassGreener Tue 10-Dec-13 13:29:41

Thanks Barbados, it has been difficult. The fact that both him and I are so heartbroken makes it harder. I still think it is the right decision. Throughout this I have seriously struggled with the deception of his wife. I must leave the two of them to sort their marriage out, it shouldn't have anything to do with me.

I hope that you find inner peace OP. You must feel pretty stirred up. I'm glad you have decided to avoid the other man for a while. It will help you see things more clearly.

Fairenuff Tue 10-Dec-13 16:42:19

We have fallen so deeply in love with each other, the longing is driving us crazy

The trouble with this, is that you are stuck in a fantasy world where all that matters is the all encompassing 'love' and 'lust' for each other.

In the real world, this man's shit stinks, his smelly socks need washing and he will have some habits that get on your nerves.

If you are cheating with someone that is married, you already know how selfish and uncaring they are. How they can lie straight to your face and take advantage of people who trust them. So, y'know, a pretty nasty type.

And if you are the one that's cheating you are doing the same to someone else, so you're a liar too.

Not such a rosy picture now is it hmm

lunar1 Tue 10-Dec-13 16:48:16

I'm sure it will make all the difference to your husband that you feel guilty, that makes cheating all ok.

IsTheGrassGreener Tue 10-Dec-13 18:01:33

The trouble with this, is that you are stuck in a fantasy world where all that matters is the all encompassing 'love' and 'lust' for each other.

In fact the problem is that we have left the fantasy world a while ago and will never be able to return to it. The intensity of the emotions has taken us completely by surprise. It has thrown us both off our feet. And we are both pretty grounded, responsible people.

Of course cheating is bad. We both know this. A few months ago we would have never considered it. This episode has taught me that even if someone is a very strong person with a good moral compass they can be emotionally vulnerable when something like this hits them. Which I think is what the OP is experiencing too.

I am very glad that the deception has ended, and so is the married man. It has been eating away at us. I have found the affair very confusing. Our emotions were running the show (in perfect harmony) until our brains took back control. To me it has been a strong warning that everyone is vulnerable to a certain degree, and that even the firmest commitment is fragile as soon as we take our eyes off the ball and allow our emotions to run away with us.

Barbados01 Tue 10-Dec-13 18:46:41

Thank you isthegrassgreener and everyone else I'm really going to try and concentrate on my husband and forget the other man , I suppose I was just a bit shocked at my emotions and behaviour with other man as iv never betrayed my husband before, the weird thing is other man is completely opposite to my husband , he's like a rough and ready type whilst my hipusband is a smart business man they are worlds apart

Lazyjaney Tue 10-Dec-13 18:54:44

What fluffy jumper said, it happens, you are hardly the first or last and this is small beer by any standards. Ignore & drop OM, say nowt, go back to where you were. If still you feel this was a wake cup call in a few months, then start to act on it.

GhettoPrincess001 Wed 11-Dec-13 02:00:41

It's going to hurt presently. In a years' time you'll look back and think, 'oh that'.

He ended it abruptly because that's his idea of a clean break. An honest man won't pursue a married woman. Please bear that in mind.

He knew you were not going to leave your husband and did not want to be used or to use you. Don't forget, you have a husband to go home to. The shop Manager probably goes home to an empty house.

Oh, and do yourself a favour, keep it to yourself. You can live it down in your own head. Your husband will process the information differently.

Barbados01 Wed 11-Dec-13 07:22:51

Thank you ghettoprincess i will keep it to myself i never had a full sexual relationship with him , and your right he probs thought it too much aggro getting involved with married woman, even though he knew how much i wanted to be with him

GhettoPrincess001 Thu 12-Dec-13 01:43:45

That's ok, you're welcome. He, i.e. OM, doesn't want an angry husband to have to deal with. Once it all blew up, he has no control over what you might have said to your husband, even if only to cover your tracks. You may have been perfectly honest, OM doesn't know that.

You will look back on this in a year or more's time and see it for the kiss and cuddle that it really was, well, physically anyway. Would you really have upset your own marital 'apple cart' for that ?

Don't worry, that, 'what did I see in you' moment is due in the coming months re: OM.

The song, 'Best Thing I never had' made me smile in a similar situation.

It sounds like a fantasy - you were in love with the excitement and attention, the novel situation. But he used you and dumped you and you are starting to see the fantasy for the hollow shell it was.

You must decide whether to invest in your marriage or move on alone.

PileOfSheet Sun 15-Dec-13 08:11:05

You wanted to be with him over your husband? I think you need to have a long think about what you want because it sounds like you are only with your dh for the 'comfortable lifestyle'. I feel sorry for your husband :/

Barbados01 Sun 15-Dec-13 10:40:49

Your right I do really want to be with him , but if he hadn't come into my life I would never even consider another man , i do love my husband but I don't feel the same feelings of lust as I do with other man, anyway I haven't seen other man for a week and although I'm heartbroken I feel things are getting back to normal and I'm trying to put past behind me x

MistressDeeCee Mon 16-Dec-13 07:05:33

Barbados01 just read your post, and the thread. You dont need to go into this man's shop again in the new year, I can bet its not the only shop in your town. & you're also sending your son into the shop of a man you've had an affair with..the man his mum cheated on his dad with. Im thinking then, the shop must be pretty close by and your husband knows this man too. So you can't be feeling THAT guilty. It just sounds like you are planning to come face to face with him again. I 'get' that affairs can happen - you never can tell, in this life. But when excuses are made so as to prolong contact, then its unkind and unfair gameplaying.

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