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Am I dating a sociopath?

(143 Posts)
deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 07:33:52


Ok- I broke up with my exh in February this year, after quite a difficult relationship, but one that was full of love & a very deep connection.
In September! I met an older man, whom I got on with very well. He was quite literally a whirlwind in my life. He booked weekends away, brought gifts for me & my son. In the first 3 weeks together, he booked a trip to Rome in April. I was a bit confused by this, as how could we say, it was going to work out. He went overboard for my birthday and said he didn't buy me enough- he is planning similar for Xmas- as he keeps telling me every day, things he has ordered, have arrived. We now have 3 weekends away booked in the calendar. I offer to pay half of these, but in fact, I can't keep up.

I've started to feel trapped. It's all gone very quick. It was me who broke up with my exh and although I now realise I do want to be with someone- I was looking forward to healing time on my own, to just focus on me. There is some kind of spark missing. But I feel he is trying to control me with kindness. He has presented as Mr Perfect,he had a bad childhood, ( que, I feel sorry for him)he doesn't know why his ex wife broke up his marriage, at first he said they argued twice a year, I asked him again yesterday and he said, it was every month. He lives 3 hours away and always comes to me, his phone is always kept face down. I'm not suspicious at all, he rings me all the time,too much- he never lets me breath in fact. He gets upset if I don't answer , or I go to bed early, without speaking with him. He woke up the other day, said he wasn't speaking to me, because I didn't sleep cuddled into him all night!

Writing all this down, is sounding like he is a crazy man?
He is a Police sergeant, so I think he is used to getting what he wants and I have been warned me many people, they can be controlling men. I want to break it off, but he has planned to take me and my son and his, to Thomas land, next week and stay in a hotel, the whole thing has cost him £200. I plan on paying him half, in the N Y.
I am probably feeling uncomfortable, because I think I can see through I all, but then I wonder, am I just very bitter. I'm not used to this kind of spoiling, but it doesn't feel like it comes from the right place.
He also now and then, say hurtful things to me. I look tired, or old. ( I'm 33, he is 46- I bloody don't! When he pisses me off, I pull away and then he overloads me with compliments. ....??.?WTF!

What is going on!!!!!! I feel like I'm going mad.

SirSugar Sun 08-Dec-13 07:38:22

listen to your gut, break it off

Lagoonablue Sun 08-Dec-13 07:39:00

Maybe not a sociopath but lots of red flags there. Possibly emotionally manipulative with the guilt tripping. I would tread very carefully. Set some boundaries or get out now. Being generous he could just be needy and trying too hard but his need to control very worrying.

run, run, run

too many red flags for me deepbluewave

someone wiser than me will be along soon with a better post

look after yourself and your DS

x posts

Lweji Sun 08-Dec-13 07:46:06

Your spider senses are in the right place.

He's showing up at best as emotionally dependent, at worst emotionally abusive. Not talking to you because you didn't cuddle in your sleep? Seriously? How long didn't he speak to you for? Or did you apologise?

He's spending too much. Are you sure he can afford it? Does he have any debt?
Don't feel you have to pay your way through things you have no control over. Stop paying halves on those weekends.

How does he treat other women? Particularly waitresses?

How is he with friends and family?

I'd be dropping anyway, just for the cuddling tantrum.

BigRedDragon Sun 08-Dec-13 07:48:09

The fact you've even written this thread and title tells you all you need to know. Walk away!!

mathanxiety Sun 08-Dec-13 07:51:00

If you don't feel it's what you really want at this point in your life, break it off. You feel trapped and even a little wary. You are feeling a bit controlled through the financial aspect of it all and you are feeling financial pressure as well as emotional. All of the above are solid reasons to call it a day.

There is clearly nothing going on except a sense of unease and obligation here. I get a feeling it is all a bit unreal in many respects. And you know the old saying 'If it seems too good to be true...' Never so apt as in relationships.

While some of it seems too good to be true, there are parts that are red flags. Vagueness about the previous relationship and what happened in it is one. Sulking at you for not doing something in your sleep is another. And the hurtful remarks - either he is testing you to see how you react to that sort of treatment, or he is an insensitive clod. The overloading with compliments after hurting you sounds to me like a small scale version of hoovering.

The fact that you managed to end your previous relationship without consulting the world at large about it, yet think you are going mad in this one after such a short time, and are feeling conflicted and confused, shows this relationship is not your comfort zone, at the very least. Don't wait until he has you completely on the back foot here, is my advice. I don't think this is good for you.

Flicktheswitch Sun 08-Dec-13 07:53:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissMarplesBloomers Sun 08-Dec-13 07:56:40

<Passes red flag bunting to OP>

TodgerDodger Sun 08-Dec-13 08:00:44

There is no reason for someone to say hurtful things to you - especially when you have only been together for such a short time.

The longer you stay together, the more this will seen 'normal' and you'll start to believe it's you with the problem.

I'd break it off.

At the very least this person is emotionally abusive and controlling with it. His poor childhood is something that you are not responsible for; he is making a choice to act like this and he acts like this as well because he can. Such types actually hate women. This man also has enough red flags about him to make bunting and there are numerous red flags here already this early on. Controlling men are abusive men. This man wants to own you by words and actions.

You need to break it off with him as of now. Be very careful however, he may well not let go of you easily.

I would also suggest that you enrol onto Womens Aid Freedom programme as this is specifically for women who have been in abusive relationships. I would also suggest you start reading "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Your DS also does not need such a poor role model of a man in his life either.

You need time and space also.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 08-Dec-13 08:02:12

Yes. It seems like you are.

I would also suggest you read this as well:-

SanityClause Sun 08-Dec-13 08:07:06

So, test him.

Tell him it's all going a bit fast. Tell him you feel uncomfortable with all the spending. Tell him that you feel it's unfair to be berated for not cuddling in your sleep.

See how he takes it. If he's understanding, and does what you ask, that would sound like a good sign. If he sulks, or tries to make you feel guilty for feeling e way you do, you will be starting to get an answer.

If you can't talk to him, there is no future to this relationship.

Also, his crappy childhood is not your responsibility. Really, it's not. You don't have to make his current and future life perfect to make up for his past.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 08-Dec-13 08:07:59

Oh op I'm sorry but he sounds awful

And your post sounds like you're feeling very anxious about it. At the risk of sigh ding like a Victorian psychologist, it sounds a bit hysterical iykwim. Like you feel a bit panicky

I'm no expert but I have read here often enough getting overly involved too soon and declaring love too quickly can be a sign of control / abuse to come. He certainly seems to be over invested in you after 2 months.

Personally I would dump him now.

Hope you're ok

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 08:08:25

I know. I know. It's all too weird. I find myself watching him, being very quiet & puzzling over the things he says & does.
I went out with friends last night- I said I planned on doing it in email, but one friend ( who doesn't know the ins & outs) said this was unfair, I should tell him. Do I owe him this after 4 months?

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 08:09:37

Dear god woman, no - this isn't right at all!

The insults? The huffs? The not being happy if you don't check in?

All deeply concerning.

You do need to end it, and not go on the weekend either. The sooner you unravel this confusing situation for your boy tbh the better.

He's acquiring you, for his own reasons. He doesn't know why his wife ended it? A policeman who's been dumped by his wife and not got to the nub of the matter? Yeah right! Jimmy Reckon right.

He knows what reason he gave her. He just can't tell you, because otherwise you'd dump him too, hence the hoovering/gifts/creeping around to win your son over.

He's vile love, he'll abuse you and harm you son in the process.

Your instincts are screaming. Listen to them, they're right.

End this asap.

Lweji Sun 08-Dec-13 08:09:44

In a rush I had missed the put downs. Bad, bad, bad.

And never mind the weekend.

Break off now.

It sounds utterly awful and I can't understand why your son has even met him, let alone being taken on weekends away by him? This man is not safe, healthy or loving. He's controlling, manipulative and scary. Fuck the money he spent, did you ever ask him to spend all that money? So what if he loses money on this weekend, yours and your child's sanity are worth more. End it NOW and be very careful, I doubt he will let you go easily.

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 08:13:56

Only 4m? Email is fine.

Plus it's the most dangerous time with people like him.

End it by email today, and tell him anything.

You're not taking the relationship forward as you don't feel it's right. Nothing more. By all means apologise for the shock and suddenness of it, but tell him that it's something you've given a lot of thought over, and are sure of your decision.

Don't wax lyrical, don't explain as it then gives him room to interrogate/negotiate.

Can you change your number/email after?

"1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.

2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" - fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper - throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them - fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive, or don't talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the feeling that it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the damage to your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.

7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression".

This is only PART of the link I posted earlier but I can already points 1, 2, 3, 4 , 6 and 7 here already. The rest not mentioned will come later if you stick around.

Hills are that way ->.

GoldfishCrackers Sun 08-Dec-13 08:15:20

It sounds like you feel you have no control at all in this relationship, because he's buckled you into a relationship with him and it's going too fast for you to stop.
Abusive and controlling relationships commonly start like this.

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 08:16:12

Yeah, lesson learned. Don't ever introduce your son to a man this soon. Wait at least 6m if at all possible.

And e-mail him to end it as well, you owe this man nothing and you are not his possession although he is already treating you as his trophy to parade about.

Be very careful, such men do not let go of their victims easily and he could go on to promise all sorts. You MUST NOT CAVE and have him back.

qazxc Sun 08-Dec-13 08:17:20

break it off, the sooner the better. There will always be a reason why the timing is wrong/awkward, he will make sure of it. Leaving aside whther he is a sociopath or not, nobody should feel trapped and suffocated in a relationship, esp one as new as this one.

bragmatic Sun 08-Dec-13 08:19:33

I hadn't even read halfway through your posts and my skin was crawling. I'd be very interested to know the real truth of his first marriage, and yes, personally I'd end it with someone that smothering.

If you decide not to end it, then whatever you do, do not tie your finances up with this man. Do not. Keep every shred of independence you currently have.

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 08-Dec-13 08:24:27

I feel claustrophobic just reading your post OP. Booking a trip for 6 months time a few weeks after meeting would have me running so fast you'd see the sparks. Sociopath or not, his behaviour is very alarming and controlling.
Next time maybe wait until you really know someone before bringing them into your child's life. I don't mean that to sound preachy, it's just being safe. He won't take it well by the sounds of things. I'd be number too otherwise he's likely to harass you.

winkywinkola Sun 08-Dec-13 08:25:51

This chap is trying to enmesh you in a relationship very quickly. It's not real because it's all going so fast, OTT gifts. I'd get out of it. You will miss the fuss and attention but it's not the actions of someone is balanced and secure.

I had this once. He was a millionaire living in Hong Kong. Declared undying love, constant phone calls, presents, trips.

It was oppressive and really not normal.

He accelerated everything and I was swept up along with it. I was only 25 as was he but he had the money, the constant pursuit etc.

It lasted 3 months. I binned him. I couldn't stand it. Emotional vampire. And I did miss all the luxury and attention for a bit but it was utterly bonkers behaviour.

Yours is already not a relationship of equals. He is endeavouring to create that imbalance consciously or not.

I'd get out and not go away with him and not introduce my ds to him.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 08:32:22

Those links, are invaluable. Him to a T. I was reading one yesterday and a very strange and dark sensation came over me- I suddenly saw him for what he was.
Yeah, I'm going to email him now. TBH I've tried to break it off twice already....the fucker is like a floaty turd, that won't flush away!

No, I'm feeling strong about it and lesson learnt with my son. I feel very ashamed and stupid,,,,it kinda boiled down to him having kids and him being in the Police.....

I'm gonna write the email now.
Thanks so much for the support.

IrisWildthyme Sun 08-Dec-13 08:33:41

Get out now. Do not go on any of these holidays. He's like a parasite trying to embed his tentacles in you and making lovely soothing friendly sounds to hypnotise you while he does it. Get away, right now, and if necessary get a legal order to prevent him harassing you - he is likely to turn nasty when his will is thwarted so you may need this.

The longer you stick with him the more difficult it will be to get away, your instincts are bang on correct but if you stay you'll start to doubt yourself - you really really need to end it.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 08-Dec-13 08:37:41

Blue, did he ever actually ask you if you wanted to go away?

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 08:54:49

I've done it.

Awaits the insanity backlash!!

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 08-Dec-13 08:57:36

Good on you.

Now set up a rule on your emails to delete any from him, block his number and keep your mobile fully charged for when he turns up later crying and threatening to top himself.

HedgehogsRevenge Sun 08-Dec-13 09:03:29

Good luck OP. I would keep any emails/texts in case things turn nasty. Hopefully not but if he goes all stalker on you, you'll have the evidence.

PyjamaDayToday Sun 08-Dec-13 09:08:57

Have you got some support in RL that can be around, or at least 'on call', over the next few day/weeks?

Stay strong; you know there'll be backlash, but then he'll move on to another poor sod

happytalk13 Sun 08-Dec-13 09:11:54

You are not bitter or any other negative word. there is something very wrong with this m an - look at his controlling and unreasonable behaviour! he's not speaking to you because you didn't cuddle him all night?!?!?!? Really?!??!? Get rid now before he completely takes over your life. I'd be willing ot bet that if you stay his behaviour will go from this to full on shouty ragey abuse and if you let yourself become dependant on him in any way he will just take advantage more.

Run, run like this wind!

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 09:20:40

Well done! Expect the backlash.

Use it to further justify your decision.

Or he'll go silent, not even acknowledge it, so you end up bewildered and sucked back in.

Whatever happens, until you can gain the distance you need, come and post what happens next, your thoughts, fears etc, and we'll be your perspective for you smile

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 08-Dec-13 09:28:48

Womens spidey sense! Works every time doesn't it. I'm so glad I'm a woman! ; )

JaceyBee Sun 08-Dec-13 09:36:18

Lots of sociopaths in the police. Lots of abusive controlling fuckwits too. You def did the right thing , well done. Who cares if he's lost money, should have thought of that before he tried to steam roll you into a relationship shouldn't he?

He will now likely launch a full scale assault on your emotional wellbeing and promise all sorts. DO not cave. Such men do not let go of their victims easily.

I would also suggest you now enrol yourself onto that Womens Aid programme I wrote of earlier along with reading Lundy Bancroft's book.

ItsBiggerOnTheInside Sun 08-Dec-13 09:47:29

You've done the right thing

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 09:52:00

Ah, you're all really great.
Nothing so far- I'm left wondering if he has got the email. What worries me, is if he calls and pretends nothing has happened..but I think I'll go out for the day. He lives 3 hours away, so no hope of him rocking up. (I hope)
Just phoned my mum.....she is really relived and said she was getting worried and had told her fiends, she was worried he was trying to control me. So bizarre when you look back and see all the signs. I never felt completely comfortable with it, if anything, if found it fascinating!

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 08-Dec-13 09:59:39

Planning his stealth attack I'd wager.

Definitely go and have a nice day out.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:14:46

Haha...your right.
He just replied with a very simple ' I'm sorry, I never meant to upset you and anything I said, was just in jest. I think you're a wonderful person and I just love you. There is nothing more I can say."

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:15:16

I'm sure there will be more to follow!

RandomMess Sun 08-Dec-13 10:19:32

Can you block his email address and phone number?

Shnickyshnackers Sun 08-Dec-13 10:21:22

Oh gosh be prepared for him to try and not 'let' you break things off. Stay on MN and ask for advice if you feel you want it. All the best to you OP

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Dec-13 10:22:22

There will DEFINATELY be more. Please brave yourself and expect it. If he's a controlling man he won't like you having the power to end it.

Congrats on dodging a twat...

Good luck x

mammadiggingdeep Sun 08-Dec-13 10:22:51

* brace yourself..typo

Clobbered Sun 08-Dec-13 10:29:20

DON'T REPLY!! It's over.

Well done wine

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:32:40

Ok, I never replied. He has sent another email,saying,that he is go smacked,but he can't make me love him. He hopes to see me again one day and to take care of myself, my son and my cats!

snowtunesgirl Sun 08-Dec-13 10:35:44

Chip, chip, chip OP. He'll make a full attack soon.

themidwife Sun 08-Dec-13 10:39:22

Red Flags I'm afraid. Read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?" He's a stage 1 controlling man (before they get their feet under the table completely) - they sweep you off your feet, but you loads but in return start to monitor your behaviour & require total devotion or else the start to cause rows or worse case scenario become abusive. Run for the hills!

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:42:32

It's so transparent, once you know what you're dealing with.

Can you block his emails?

happytalk13 Sun 08-Dec-13 10:44:59

Ignore. ignore. Ignore.

He's trying ot reel you in. When these "nice" emails don't work (which are actually thinly veiled attacks on your character and primers for more stringent attacks) he'll start to bring out bigger guns - much stronger guilt tripping than he's already tried will be first on his list!

Anniegetyourgun Sun 08-Dec-13 10:45:12

Either that or he will cut his losses and start investing in the next woman he's got his eye on. You will have had a lucky escape if so.

flippinada Sun 08-Dec-13 10:45:57

Just started reading this thread acc like others the red flags just jump out. I'm very glad you've dumped him already.

Be aware that he'll probably launch a full on charm offensive so you take him back. Of course ignoring a clear "no" and pushing at boundaries is also red flag behaviour so keep
that in mind.

flippinada Sun 08-Dec-13 10:47:52

Like others I would also recommend blocking emails and his phone number.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:51:01

Thanks ladies. I feel quite proud of myself smile
He has emailed again...oh so nice. I was perfect for him, made him open up and discuss his feelings. All he wanted to do was make me happy and I got in his heart. Blah blah blah.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:52:17

I know what will come, I've broken him, why did I accept and take his gifts. All people are the same, hurtful and greedy. He will try and make me feel like I'm like all the 'others' that have hurt him!

themidwife Sun 08-Dec-13 10:53:28

Sorry I was a bit late with my advice as everyone else already gave it brilliantly!!grin

ItsBiggerOnTheInside Sun 08-Dec-13 10:53:36

Just keep strong and clear in your mind what it is you want.

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 10:54:23

I had this. But after about a month.

He stonewalled me for some reason, I (stupidly) let that one go, but told him i'd not tolerate a second time. he did it again. I ended it.

I got the same text sent every so often 'thinking of you'

I never replied. Then eventually he texted "HELP" late one Sunday night. so I called 101 and told them that I thought he was trying it on.

They went to see him. A week or so later a gift I gave him turned up on my windscreen - despite him never having been invited to my home.

101 dealt with that again. I went out with a guy for a year, ended it just about 7m ago, and even though i'd had no contact in all that time with Mr Help, I got a FB message telling me that he'd handed in his notice and was going to Australia.

Erm.. wha..? Delete, blocked and no reply.

My advice is to not reply at all, to just ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

If he crosses a line, call the police, don't ever reply directly to him.

Clobbered Sun 08-Dec-13 10:54:28

Well done. Stay one step ahead of him (as you are) and ride it out.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 10:56:28

Hissy- what do you mean, by stonewalled you..?

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 10:56:39

Set up a Nutter filter on your email, and have all his emails go straight there.

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 10:57:38

Stonewalling is 'the silent treatment'

Refusing to reply to any message, take your calls or hear you.

One of the worst forms of mental abuse actually.

scratchandsniff Sun 08-Dec-13 10:57:59

I hope you don't get too much hassle off him now you've told him. If he does get nasty I think you should get in touch with his boss at the police station. Any kind of harassment would (hopefully) be taken very seriously. Let's hope he fucks off and leaves you alone.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 08-Dec-13 10:58:32

yada yada yada...

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 10:58:34

You have ended the relationship now, you don't need to reply to him.

Stonewalling is the silence as a punishment.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 08-Dec-13 11:03:00

As a matter of interest (and don't say if you'd rather not), what happened the other times you tried to break it off?

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 11:19:45

Ok, this is really weird....and I don't know, why it didn't see this, it happened 2 weeks ago. We had the weekend in Chester, it was really really nice, but I bought myself some boots and spent a bit too much money. When we got home, I freaked a bit and said to him that with Xmas, other debts and things, I probably, shouldn't go to Thomas land, so I didn't have to owe him£100 ( I never accepted him paying for everything) obviously I could've taken the boots back, but it was the first thing I'd treated myself to all year and really loved them!
He was pissed off, because he said I was always destroying 'our' things. I just said, I can't do it all, financially. And as the money for Thomas hadn't left his account,it could be cancelled.
We didn't speak all night or the next day, but he lingered round, while I was doing housework, washing etc.
About 16pm, I exploded and said if he wasn't going to speak to me, there was no point in him being at my house. He took all his stuff and left for home (3hours drive away) and we had a few 'farewell texts' I got my son back from his dads, we had tea, got into bed. About 8.30, I apologised for being rude and we began talking. An hour later, he turns up at the house. He had never driven home. He said the traffic was so bad, he had to pull over somewhere....I believed that, because he never knew I would start communication again in the evening.

bragmatic Sun 08-Dec-13 11:25:22

Bullet well dodged then.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sun 08-Dec-13 11:33:34

Hi OP - that is well weird - have you actually been to his house? Do you know for sure that he lives where he claims to live?

Selks Sun 08-Dec-13 11:33:43

There will be more to follow. I predict he will not take you seriously at first. Then will come the declarations and pleadings. When those don't work expect other tactics.

Stay strong, OP. Remember that whatever he comes out with now is just part of his emotional manipulation and controlling behaviour.

ExcuseTypos Sun 08-Dec-13 11:35:25

I may be going against the grain here, but I think you SHOULD email/text him once more.

I would say "I do not intend to respond to any of your messages and I do not want you to contact me again."

Then he is 100% sure that it is over, and you have evidence that you have asked him not to contact you.

If you say nothing today, it may give him an excuse to pester you. He could say 'well is she getting my messages?' 'is she just ignoring me today, but start talking again tomorrow-I don't know, so I'll keep texting her'

As I said, if he does pester you and you have to go to his bosses, you have evidence and he has no excuses.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Sun 08-Dec-13 11:41:49

filter them unread into a special folder - he might have one of those email notifications that autogenerates a message back to the sender when something has been opened. Or delete them unread.

Send back a short business like email, and keep a copy, don't acknowledge any of what he has said. Get callscreening on a landline if you have one, and make sure there is no way he has keys to your house.

laughingeyes2013 Sun 08-Dec-13 11:43:04

If you do email him (and by the way I'm not saying I think you should, because usually they take that to be a green light and dig their claws in further!) then I would make it clear you consider any further contact as being harassment. Being a police officer he will know a clear warning would count against him if you reported him for harassment in the future.

I had a stalker (not an ex, a neighbour, so it might be different), and the police had to hand deliver him a letter stating that contact with me would constitute harassment and be dealt with as such. They said without that letter he couldn't easily be nailed for harassment as he could claim "no one told me, I thought she liked it, she led me on" etc etc.

So if, and like I said only IF you're going to email once more, then I'd really recommend you spell it out to him and use the "perceived harassment" terminology.

But hopefully you won't need to contact him again and hopefully he will see any pestering you won't work. Good luck with that.

feltpaperchains Sun 08-Dec-13 11:43:41

He also, may not have had love modelled for him correctly if at all.
He may be unaware that he is an abuser, which doesn't mean go back to him, you need to protect yourself and your son.

Don't feel silly. Abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing they are as unaware that they are dysfunctional as you are and showering people with gifts is sometimes something which happens in the giddy first stages of a relationship.

It's just that when you write it all down and take the whole picture into account it becomes clear that some unhealthy patterns are forming.
He needs therapy, maybe Co-dependants anonymous meetings and to get his head straight if he is ever to enjoy a healthy relationship.

Well done for being such a strong woman and not letting this nonsense deplete you entirely.

Good luck, enjoy your 'you' time and the right man will be just around the corner.

DollyTwat Sun 08-Dec-13 11:49:27

DeepBlue I have a friend on fb like this. I know all about his failed relationships because he goes out with someone, showers them with gifts, becomes too controlling because he feels like he owns them. They then dump him and he slags them off all over fb saying they liked the gifts, money grabbing bitches etc

It's car crash. I've seen him do it over and over Again

Bullet well and truly dodged

NotNoah Sun 08-Dec-13 11:51:48

My Dad is like this, my mum stayed with him for 14 years till she found the strength to end it and take us with her. Then took her a few more years to finally get away from him. It drove him crazy that he no longer had control of her. He has done the same in all his subsequent relationships. My sister and I had to eventually cut him out of our lives as he causes so much emotional devastation. Definitely listen to your gut feeling and don't let him make you feel obliged to him.

maras2 Sun 08-Dec-13 12:11:39

Sorry if this has been asked before but do you know for a fact that he is a police officer?He's sounding odder by the minute.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 12:14:27

I don't think he really, really realises it. I don't think, he is soooo bad. He is a great dad and does the right thing most of the time.

He does have keys the house......he came up,when I was at work and it made things, he would cook tea, for when I got in...he'd come up early in the day to beat traffic.

bragmatic Sun 08-Dec-13 12:18:51

Oh dear. Have you arranged to get them back?

OddFodd Sun 08-Dec-13 12:20:39

Sounds like you've had a very lucky escape.

In future don't give keys to your house to a man you've known for only 3 months (and it is only 3, not 4, if you met him in September) nor introduce them to your child. It's too soon, especially if they turn out to be a controlling loser like this guy.

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 12:24:25

Keys? Ffs!

You MUST change the locks!

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 12:26:59

Yeah,defo in Police. I've called him at work, seen his
ID and he comes in his uniform. Please realise, you are getting the very raw shit of the storey.

LizzieVereker Sun 08-Dec-13 12:27:01

I think you sound really sensible OP, and I'm sorry this has happened to you. (mean that nicely, don't mean to sound patronising).

I would be inclined to send on last e- mail along the lines of "I need you to be clear that our relationship is over, permanently. I wish you well, but think it would be best if you do not contact me again."

I don't want to be overdramatic, but would also seriously consider changing your locks.

NigellasLeftNostril Sun 08-Dec-13 12:27:51

second that, change the locks tomorrow as a matter of priority, he sounds like a headfuck and potentially dangerous

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 12:28:06

We met in August, started dating in Sept

FairPhyllis Sun 08-Dec-13 12:37:06

I agree that you should change your locks.

Lizzabadger Sun 08-Dec-13 12:39:46

This is a person who may well stalk you.

Agree change the locks, filter emails, delete texts unread. No contact.

Keep a record of any "incidents".

Don't hesitate to involve the police (although they may not be helpful unfortunately as he is one of their own).

OddFodd Sun 08-Dec-13 12:46:27

Sorry to be a pedant.

I would also change the locks if I were you. I think he might come round to try and persuade you to change your mind. That post where you said he hadn't actually driven home would freak me out a bit.

I've been out with men like this on a couple of occasions, both for much shorter amounts of time. They both got very angry and verbally abusive when I ditched them.

LizzieVereker Sun 08-Dec-13 12:47:24

I understand what you mean OP, you have had to come on here and explain the worst bits so that people can understand, and then you worry that this reflects badly on your judgement. But other posters will realise that you sound really level headed, and therefore there must have been good bits too. I think you've been very wise to see through him this early, and to do something about it, it's not easy to do that.

OneMoreThenNoMore Sun 08-Dec-13 12:50:47

Hmm, comes to your house in his uniform? I used to work in a police station and they all took their uniforms off before leaving. Or at the very least, took off all identifying items- epaullettes etc. Did you speak to him on a direct line at work or did you have to go through a switchboard?

Anyway, that's irrelevant now as you've already dumped him. Sounds like you've had a lucky escape! thanks

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 12:52:33

I think everyone is getting a little carried away. I get that he ain't right, it was me that worked it out. But all he has actually done is give me gifts & made me feel uncomfortable. I get he is a controlling character, but he is quite high up in the police, with a family of his own. I don't think he will bust in my house & start stalking me. You may read that as my naivety or think I'm a simpleton, but I also work in mental health & spend my working life assessing other peoples.

It's hard to get all the points across, when writing to strangers. I can't give you ALL the details of the last 4 months, so you have a very bullet point version, which your taking to be the only picture.

I really appreciate you all supporting my gut feelings & yes, it's crazy how other people seem & come across. We did have a very passionate love affair that took off very quickly on both sides & I can't say I didn't encourage some of his behaviour.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 08-Dec-13 12:53:44

You're "always destroying 'our' things" but you've only been going out for three months. What a busy little destructive soul you must be.

Every woman deserves a good pair of boots!

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 12:55:19

Cheers LizzieV

"I think everyone is getting a little carried away. I get that he ain't right, it was me that worked it out. But all he has actually done is give me gifts & made me feel uncomfortable. I get he is a controlling character, but he is quite high up in the police, with a family of his own. I don't think he will bust in my house & start stalking me. You may read that as my naivety or think I'm a simpleton, but I also work in mental health & spend my working life assessing other peoples".

I do not think you had him fully worked out to begin with because you were asking other people's opinions. From that you have come to your own conclusions and have dumped him by e-mail. This I daresay will not the last you will hear from him, these men do not let go of their victims easily. I hope I am wrong but I would not be surprised if you were contacted again.

Do not assume that he will not try to reel you back in, it is precisely because you work in mental health and spend you working life assessing other people that this person somehow regards you as a challenge to break you down!!!. These inadequate types do not like (outwardly)
strong and independent women and hone in on vulnerabilities. Concentrate your efforts now on you and your child; you need time and space away from men and dating.

"We did have a very passionate love affair that took off very quickly on both sides & I can't say I didn't encourage some of his behaviour".

You were indeed flattered and such men can be very plausible but its still a red flag all the same. Early protestations of love and intensity is all designed to hook you right in there.

feltpaperchains Sun 08-Dec-13 13:07:31

I think preaching to the converted a little.

He's in no fit state to have a RL, OP knows that and is moving on, Im sure she's wise to rescuing etc.

Sometimes these forums just give clarity, she sounds very sensible to me indeed. Some people let this mumbo jumbo go on for decades.

Hissy Sun 08-Dec-13 13:22:32

I know how you may be feeling attacked, but love, he really isn't right.

We don't know him. True. But after 4m, neither do you. You may work in MH, but I know tons of MH professionals that ended up in seriously abusive relationships! I know women who work in DV services that ended up in abusive relationships themselves. It's hideously embarrassing, but it does happen.

NONE of it however is their fault, or yours for that matter.

You need to get the keys back, first and foremost, and you need to be the one to decide if you need to review your security at home.

You didn't cause this, but you do have the power to protect yourself if he doesn't go away easily.

People like him don't generally. Please don't allow yourself to think 'he's not thw kind of person who....' and please don't tack 'because i'd know if he were' onto the end.

You don't know him at all lovey, he may be ok, but he might not be, he very well could get nasty and you have your ds to protect.

Please keep posting, please let us know how you are?


ItsBiggerOnTheInside Sun 08-Dec-13 13:26:34

More than likely, you are right, deep, and nothing will happen.

What just in case.....

Lweji Sun 08-Dec-13 15:25:35

It's not 4 months, from September, btw, it's hardly more than 3, even if from the beginning of September.

That he is showering you with gifts and booking holidays away with your DS that you then feel obliged to pay half too, after only 3 months is very worrying.

And how high in the police is he, if he's a sergeant? Do you perceive him as high, or does he try to give that image?

And what do you mean a family of his own?

Lweji Sun 08-Dec-13 15:30:30

And I hadn't seen he has the keys to your house. Change the locks. Seriously.

He is being nice now because he thinks you'll change your mind as you did last time.

I suspect the next e-mails won't be so nice once he realises you won't change your mind.

Not a sociopath but he is obviously stifling you and its clear you don't fancy him.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 08-Dec-13 16:14:14

By "family of his own" Leiji I think she means he has DC of his own

No point taking the chance with him having a key to your house. Even if you don't think he'll turn up at your house it won't hurt to change the locks anyway

qazxc Sun 08-Dec-13 16:49:15

Change the locks, I wouldn't like to have a spare key floating around out there, out of my control. It won't hurt, it's a quick job and at least your mind will be at ease.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 08-Dec-13 17:56:24

Sorry you are having this situation OP. I too think you have done the right thing by finishing it. You may well be right in that he is not as weird as some of the posters on here think. I hope you are right and they are wrong but has this guy given you your keys back or even mentioned you getting them back? THAT would be the honourable thing to do I feel. You do not want to wake up in the middle of the night in a dark room with him leering down at you eh?
Even in the event that he gives them back, I would still put some stout bolts on the doors, he may have cloned them. Irrespective of you having the urge to minimise his behaviour, my gut tells me to advise you work to the worst case scenario here that it all. Good luck!

DollyTwat Sun 08-Dec-13 18:07:16

My ex was an ex copper op, he thought he was ABOVE the law

AdoraBell Sun 08-Dec-13 18:25:11

You need To change the locks weather you think people are getting carried away or not.

If he asks why tell him you lost your's. Bear in mind he will only ever know the locks have been changed if he tríes To use his key.

Don't wait To come home from work and find him sitting in your lounge.

Loopytiles Sun 08-Dec-13 20:08:30

OP yes people might be worrying too much, but let's assume he's joe average and just not the man for you - you still don't owe him your time or further explanation.

In your shoes I would change the locks and review security, just in case.

You might want to think about your boundaries, for example why you went along with him booking expensive things, felt like you had to (a) go with him and (b) pay 50% (when you'd happily not have gone and had no say in the booking). Why you took his very frequent, disruptive phone calls, called him a lot (because he wanted you too), mollified his sulks and things. Introduced him to your DC so early. Didn't tell him that all the present buying was OTT (it would have been totally reasonable to do so btw).

TheCrumpetQueen Sun 08-Dec-13 20:19:08

Yeah, because policemen have never done anything illegal <eye roll>

Op change your locks and don't ever give someone you've been dating for under 3 months keys to your fucking house again.

deepbluewave Sun 08-Dec-13 22:10:54

I know! I'm told!

Thanks peeps...

CCTVmum Sun 08-Dec-13 23:15:14

deep gosh sounds like my ex at the start esp the stonewalling or accusing me of being with another man if I never replied to email within 5 seconds...stupid me thought he just cared about me! Doh! Wish I had the experience of MN back then!

However my ex did go on to stalk and attack my home lots of times over years and attacks only stopped when I got CCTV! Stalking may still be ongoing? I dont check CCTV anymore.

I do hope he takes the split well and as HerHissy says [waves] change those locks, your email, your mobile and ignore ignore ignore!
Be vigilant though for a few weeks.

BertieBowtiesAreCool Sun 08-Dec-13 23:18:58

Any fans of 50 Shades could do with a read of this thread, he sounds remarkably like a certain character in it (minus the weird sex, presumably!)

Glad to hear you've binned him OP. Gut instinct is a powerful thing smile

pottytowork Sun 08-Dec-13 23:29:36

you sound like you have it covered op. good luck!

mathanxiety Sun 08-Dec-13 23:34:20

You sound sensible, and so does your mum.
I wish you and your DS well.

Hope he doesn't behave according to (sadly) predictable form here. I second the advice from ExcuseTypos to make it clear you do not want any further communication from him.

Going back to something you said earlier -- I don't believe that he had to pull over on the occasion you describe. I think he correctly guessed that you were going to take him back after the argument you had, and it was just a matter of waiting you out. He probably knew you would be going to pick up your DS. My guess would be he waited in his car not too far from your house, or went to the local dog track or found some other way to while away his time while watching his phone for your anticipated message.

That is why a flat and clear statement like the one ExcuseTypos posted is very important.

Darkesteyes Sun 08-Dec-13 23:44:48

When i worked at a sex chatline 11 yrs ago one of my callers claimed to be a copper. He used to CRY down the phone telling me he loved me. He had phoned up for sex chat Never even clapped eyes on me. He told me he had a 13 yr old son And that son actually walked in on him mid call I heard it from the other end.
Youve done the right thing OP Hope he leaves you alone and if he doesnt speak to his boss x

deepbluewave Mon 09-Dec-13 08:29:33

CCTVmum- yeah, you're right, you kinda take it as them caring for you.

I think you're right about him waiting it out too. We had a lovely weekend prior, so he would know id feel confused & bad about my behaviour & get back in touch.

I must admit, I felt really sad yesterday. More so, as this 'idea' of our future was so great- we had so many plans, which I know he would have been proactive about... The scary thing is- I told him one of the main reasons I broke with my ex, was because we never did anything- we were never making memories.
I read on this website, he will have assessed me & become what I want- hence all the weekends away & plans with my son. When I asked what he did with his ex, he said just go to USA every year?
Bloody hell. I guess without wanting to admit it, I was vulnerable. Fuck I hate that. Killed with kindness. Whatever next. I can totally see how women end up in these situations & find it hard to get out!

bragmatic Mon 09-Dec-13 08:54:20

Well, you're out now. You made a sensible move and many don't, so good on you.

SarahPercyAndBill Mon 09-Dec-13 09:18:40

I bet returning your keys will be an excuse to see you. I would change locks and prepare for him to be at your door, asking why the key doesn't work. I would have a letter in my coat about harassment and I would get a script ready in my head.
1/ why were you trying to enter my property without my knowledge and permission?
2/ this is unlawful and you know I should be calling the police right now to report you

3/ please give me back my old keys. Any further contact - written or verbal - will be considered as harassment and hand him a prepared letter.

4/ dial 999 phone in hand and tell him to leave immediately or you will ring 999.

Maoamstripes Mon 09-Dec-13 09:26:23

i have also been in this situation, feeling i couldn't say no and being stalked. I haven't read the full thread but please remain consistent and stay out of this relationship! How did you meet him?
Have you asked for your keys back or made plans to change the locks?
You must be vulnerable to give him keys so early/introduce him to your ds.. hard to admit I know.

deepbluewave Mon 09-Dec-13 09:45:21

I guess I wanted what he sold me. I know I was feeling bad for pulling our family apart. I know he was feeling bad, for having his family pulled apart. ( his wife left him last year- 5 year old son)
I guess he wanted a patched up version of what he had- so so wrong on many levels.

deepbluewave Mon 09-Dec-13 09:50:11

He has text this morning, saying that he wants someone who knows that they want him for who he is. If I'm feeling confused about him, then that is his answer & I clearly don't feel the same way about him.
I replied & said- we both entered the relationship, when we were emotionally upset, weak, tired, low- all the things you are when marriages & relationships break up. It was never gonna be a good receipe -
I mean, we were both still grieving.

So many lessons learnt. I suppose it's still the start of me grieving & healing from my marriage.

qazxc Mon 09-Dec-13 09:53:59

Change locks, do not get dragged into communication with him (unless it's to tell him "goodbye, good luck, please do not contact me again")

OddFodd Mon 09-Dec-13 09:54:47

deep - don't get into a dialogue with him, please. You're going to be right back where you started if you're not careful

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 09-Dec-13 10:00:10

Drip drip drip...he's pulling you right back in there...

BitOutOfPractice Mon 09-Dec-13 10:15:46

Block his number OP. Don't get drawn in

Anniegetyourgun Mon 09-Dec-13 10:19:14

You aren't "feeling confused" about him, you dumped him. He's pretending you said something different. And because you're a reasonable person you will of course respond to a reasonable-sounding approach.

Boundaries, boundaries...

BitOutOfPractice Mon 09-Dec-13 10:21:31

You don't need a boundary OP, you need a 6ft electrified fence with barbed wire on top for this one! wink

laughingeyes2013 Mon 09-Dec-13 10:30:15

Be kind to yourself. It's easy to fall into a relationship that isn't working at the best of times, much more so when you're already trying to pick up and move on while also dealing with a massive upheaval in a break up involving children too. Lots of grief emotions, guilts, and fears to deal with.

At first you hold to the hope that this lovely new distraction will be all you hope for; real and lasting. And it's really difficult to find yourself back at the starting point, on your own again, dealing with even more fall-out.

You won't stay there obviously, but it's a healthy place to be for a while until you've built yourself back up again, even though it can feel like this is how it will always be for you.

You've got a lot of grieving of the loss of relationship(s) and (am sure some 'false') guilt to deal with, not to mention adjusting to single-parenthood. All very hard. Do-able, but difficult for a while, especially when your emotions are pulled in a lot of different directions all at once.

So once again, be gentle on your self. One day this will be a horrible memory that you won't even need to look back on, from the new and much happier place you will have in the future.

If only we could see our good times shreds before we even get there. It would make the hard path oh so much easier!

themidwife Mon 09-Dec-13 10:47:38

Yes careful there - if he thinks you're just "feeling confused" & haven't ended it you are in for a lot more mind bending emails!!

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 11:07:46

If you continue communicating with him, he is going to turn up "to talk"

Possibly he will be in your house, cooking dinner, for when you get home. That's not a good scenario.

One more text to completely end all contact. Change the locks. The End.


I stated before that he would contact you again and I have been unfortunately proved correct.

He is still doing a number on you and will not take your no for an answer. His wife likely left him due to his overt control of her as well and she had finally had enough. Inadequate men like him like supposedly strong women like yourself so that they can break them down. You were and remain vulnerable emotionally. I still think you should consider doing Womens Aid Freedom Programme.

You cannot reply further to him at all; any communiques from you just gives him an "in".

Love your own self now for a change and rebuild your own self worth because these men can certainly harm it no end.

AdoraBell Mon 09-Dec-13 11:23:06


You need To be a bit hard nosed here, whist being kind To yourself.

His feellings are not your responsability.

You did not cause whatever he is feelling.

You are not responsable for the break up of his marriage

It is not your Job To make his Life all warm and fluffy.

In short, his shit is not your problem

Then do as previously suggested about changing locks and call 999 if turns up un invited.

And really, you don't need a man To make memories, and he doesn't a woman To make menories.

Ending the Relationship

Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

- If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

- "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.

deepbluewave Mon 09-Dec-13 12:03:28

Guys- thanks so much for your united front. You are all being so consistently supportive.
I've got a weeks AL & out having fun with my boy- happy in the fact all our time from now, is just for me & him.
In gonna date myself for years & years & my DS is gonna be my wee side kick. Good times ahead!

tripper20 Mon 09-Dec-13 12:20:45

I counted 16 messages saying "change the locks". Please do it this week while you have the time.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 09-Dec-13 12:37:49

Wickes and B&Q are both open today. Go visit one of them.

Balaboosta Wed 18-Dec-13 12:36:39

Well done, OP. Good work.

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