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I had an affair

(54 Posts)
changedmynameimashamed Sat 07-Dec-13 20:15:48

Yes, I had an affair. More emotional than physical. No hand, blow, face jobs of any kind.

Sorry this is very long. . .

I met my Husband 8 years ago he swept me off my Feet, we got married and have 2 absolutely gorgeous children. One of each gender, have a beautiful home, nanny, cleaner, home help, Husband is paid well and we dont have financial issues.

My Husband goes out whenever he wants, receives text/e-mail messages from women. He goes out and has freedom. I however, gave up all males friends (my own choice), gave up successful work to be a Mother (which I now regret), am indoors most of the time, dont have the opportunity to go out as my Husband gets home at 9pm.

I rely on Wine 'O'Clock and joined an extra marital affairs website. I was invisible, ignored, unnoticed for 2.5 years. In my heart I believed my Husband didnt care about me at all. I got chatting to a man who is married, with children the same age as mine and was as sexually depraved as me. He filled a hole, was funny, sexual, affectionate, lovely and made me feel like a woman again.

My Husband suspected something and put software on my laptop & saw the randy conversations we had. We met up on 3 occasions and kissed, it was wonderful. He made me feel alive again. I want him now.

I dont want to leave my Husband however I cant stop thinking about the other man. My Husband frightened him off with a threatening e-mail about telling his Wife and contacting Divorce lawyers.

Please tell me what you think of my behaviour. I know I will get grilled here and in a way I want to be told how silly I am.

Vivacia Sat 07-Dec-13 20:21:54

What's a face job?

Vivacia Sat 07-Dec-13 20:22:35

"I dont want to leave my Husband"

Why not?

WipsGlitter Sat 07-Dec-13 20:29:36

You sound bored, lonely and unhappy. You need to work out why this is.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 07-Dec-13 20:31:43

You might not have a choice whether you want to leave your husband or not. He might decide to leave you!

Monetbyhimself Sat 07-Dec-13 20:33:13

'Filled a hole'


LivingWellNow Sat 07-Dec-13 20:33:56

How will being told how silly you are help you? Shouldn't you be talking to your H about this?

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 07-Dec-13 20:40:51

Getting involved with someone else wasnt silly. From what you describe it was selfish, greedy, deceitful behaviour.

If you dont like your marriage do something about it. Talk to your husband. If you dont think he can or wants to change then leave. What makes you contemptible in my book is trying to have your cake and eat it.

cjel Sat 07-Dec-13 20:41:50

How does your husband hope to make you happy rather than bully someone who does? I wouldn't find that attractive, if he now knows you are this unhappy what has he done to change that?

You need a very frank conversation with your husband. You also clearly either need to go back to work or get some sort of interest (other than married men) to fill your days.

Bit unclear as to why you would ditch male friends tbh-wtf is that about? hmm

Fairenuff Sat 07-Dec-13 20:53:35

Why don't you want to leave, you are obviously miserable.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 07-Dec-13 20:54:26

If you want to be wracked with guilt and have fingers wagged at you, I believe some churches offer very good confessional services hmm Bottom line is that, at some point (and it's getting closer), you'll have to face the music. There's nothing wrong with wanting sex, excitement or to feel valued. If your marriage isn't providing that, don't stick around pretending to be happy for the sake of something as shallow as money. Find the integrity to be honest and independent.

Bogeyface Sat 07-Dec-13 21:00:39

While I dont and have never condoned affairs, I can see why you were so unhappy.

I am as mystified as others as to why you dont want this marriage to end. He lives his life as he likes but doesnt afford you that same luxury. You felt ignored, had no sex life and know that he has been having friendships with other women that may (or may not) be over stepping the mark.

Is it simply because you dont want to lose your lifestyle? If it is then I am afraid that the price for that lifestyle will be your happiness. You will pay every day and get more and more miserable.

Rather than him bullying and threatening this other man, you both should be talking. You both need to understand what led to this and what can be done to prevent it happening again, and that will have to include him stopping the emails/text etc. Are you absolutely sure that he hasnt had an affair himself?

LivingWellNow Sat 07-Dec-13 21:03:41

I find the whole thing mystifying.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 21:19:02

I'm not surprised you're bored, what you need is a job and a role outside the home. You could retrain, find something you feel passionate about. If Madame Bovary had just found a vocation, that story could had ended very differently.

I think you need to get back all the friends you lost touch with (you say it was your own choice to ditch your male friends, why did you even have to make that choice?)

I highly suspect that none of this will be possible with your current husband, so you may need to get a new one.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 07-Dec-13 21:19:30

If the wronged wife had contacted the OP, threatened to tell OP's husband and threatened divorce if this affair hadnt ended would that have been considered bullying?

It seems a bit much to me to be suggesting that the OP's husband has been having an affair, might as well say the same thing about lover boy's wife.

Both OP and this other bloke have behaved abysmally. If neither were happy in their relationships then they should have got out. Not tried to sneak around getting their jollies on the sly.

SomethingOnce Sat 07-Dec-13 21:19:38

Did you mean depraved, or deprived?!

Monetbyhimself Sat 07-Dec-13 21:28:45

I'm fairly sure he meant depraved.

LivingWellNow Sat 07-Dec-13 21:36:01

Me too.

mrscynical Sat 07-Dec-13 21:44:28

Why don't you start getting your CV together and finding out what you could do to get back into work. You have a nanny so it is all possible. It sounds as though you gave up your 'old' life when you got married and had children and are now bored silly. You should not be drinking and chatting up married men but I feel you already know that but do not know what else to do.

Concentrate on getting back into work. You will then have colleagues to socialise with and have a bit more confidence in yourself to either talk to your husband and get the married back to what it should be or, if it's not right, to decide to end it as amicably as possible.

You are luckier than most (financially) and you know that what you are up to is not doing you or your children any good. Arrange to see a professional and start working towards what you KNOW is best for you and your family.

TwerkingNineToFive Sat 07-Dec-13 21:47:50

What you've described is a fare reason to leave a relationship not to have an affair.
What woud you tell your daughter to do if she is in your position in the future? I'm sure you wouldn't say go on some seedy website for a cheap thrill.

Bogeyface Sat 07-Dec-13 23:28:36

worry If the OP had come on here and said "I go out when I want, refuse sex with DH and he gave up his career so I can live my life as I like, and now the bastard has had an affair" I would reply with "I am not surprised!"

As I said above, I dont condone affairs. Dont cheat, leave. I say, I wouldnt be at all surprised if a man had cheated in those circumstances.

What I cant quite work out is why someone so patently unhappy in their relationship doesnt want to end it. I can only assume it is lifestyle related which is very sad. Not for the OP, she can make her choices for herself, I feel sorry for her children. They dont get a choice and I cant imagine that growing up with a father they rarely see thanks to his job and social life and a miserable mother who will sell her happiness for domestic staff will be any good for them. They will both cheat over the years and end up hating each other, and be the proud parents of seriously fucked up kids who have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like.

Robfordscrack Sun 08-Dec-13 01:06:42

no Op, what you had is a cry for attention. were you meaning to get caught? I suggest you stay away from this other person and enter into counselling with your husband. he has rightly sent an email telling this person to back off, he obviously does think you are worth fighting for. someone who didn't would have shown you the door.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 08-Dec-13 08:51:11

I can only assume it is lifestyle related which is very sad.

It just seems so cowardly and greedy to me.

Joysmum Sun 08-Dec-13 08:54:58

A marriage us a partnership. If your life isn't working for you in that partnership you work through it with your partner so you can be fulfilled.

If you don't want to do that you leave.

If your husband knows you are unhappy and doesn't want you to change the things to enable you be fulfilled you leave.

What is a huge no no is going behind a partners back and doing things they wouldn't agree with to please yourself. The moment you put your own wants before your partners needs then you are completely disregarding their feelings and take away their choices about what they want from the marriage.

Either stay and work through things to make it work if you are both willing to make changes, or leave. Cheating shows the ultimate disrespect for your marriage and your husband.

changedmynameimashamed Mon 09-Dec-13 23:36:17

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Well that escalated quickly.

Bogeyface Mon 09-Dec-13 23:42:30

I am very sorry that your unhappiness has left you in a place where you would post such bile.

My first post was nothing but supportive to you. My second was that I couldnt understand why anyone would want to stay with someone who treated them so badly and that I was sad if you would sell your happiness for a nanny and a gardener. I stand by that.]

I have however reported your post. My children are very happy thank you, and I find it very offensive to suggest that being a size 18 would make someone ugly. I am not an 18 but I have been, I have been a 20, and I dont consider I was ugly then or now.

Dirtybadger Mon 09-Dec-13 23:44:28

What the hell....

I killed a man with a trident.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 23:45:09

Somebody been on the wine ?

You want to knock that on the head. Drunken vitriol makes you look proppa minging.

Bogeyface Mon 09-Dec-13 23:45:55

Changed thank you also for the equally offensive and vile PM, that too has been reported.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 23:46:28

BF, that's a bannable offence. Hopefully HQ will do the required.

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange Mon 09-Dec-13 23:48:24

((( Bogey )))

changedmynameimashamed marriage might be forever in your book but I assume your book also has some stuff to say about adultery. Either leave or make your marriage work. "Silly" is not the work to use and makes it sound childish and 'naughty'. It's not. It's sad, deceitful and ultimately pointless. Life is short and if you are unhappy, leave.

scarlettsmummy2 Mon 09-Dec-13 23:48:52

My goodness, what a strange attitude the op has.

I agree with many other posters, if you are that unhappy surely you would leave or alternatively start planning for your own future to become financially secure in your own right.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 23:50:26

Wine O'clock has certainly chimed in la-la land. The cuckoo has out-squawked itself.

EBearhug Mon 09-Dec-13 23:51:17

Have you talked to your husband? I can't see in your posts that you have. He's spying on your emails, you're sneaking about having an affair because you're feeling unhappy and bored and ignored. Does your husband know how you feel? If there's no communication between you, why should he realise how bad you're feeling about things? People aren't psychic.

If you have talked to him about it, and he doesn't acknowledge how you feel, or make any effort to discuss how you can both change things, then it may be time to call it a day, but I don't see that you've actually tried much communication so far, and that surely should be the first port of call.

Fairenuff Mon 09-Dec-13 23:51:41

What's the problem with saying you are unhappy in your marriage? You are unhappy, you said it yourself in your OP confused

You didn't even try to drag this one out.


BeCool Mon 09-Dec-13 23:58:40

Fucking hell - what a bizarre attack on Bogey!!

BeCool Mon 09-Dec-13 23:59:41

OP you have been very "silly" indeed.

pottytowork Tue 10-Dec-13 00:08:39

what a loon!

bestsonever Tue 10-Dec-13 00:15:33

If the op is so bitter about the life she has created so far, the answer is for her to change it. You have a nanny, so why give up work? Go back to it. Can't go out as DH back at 9? Get babysitter and go out anyway. Somehow you managed to get out to meet the OM 3 times so not all that housebound - "oh woe is me" is all this so change it.

bestsonever Tue 10-Dec-13 00:17:24

And yes, she clearly has 'issues'. Defensive and attacking like that

CremolaFirCone Tue 10-Dec-13 00:20:27


VanitasVanitatum Tue 10-Dec-13 00:31:17

I thought the posters were mainly really supportive, including bogey! Pathetic way to talk to bogey change, shame on you.

LivingWellNow Tue 10-Dec-13 07:33:13

Definitely a baity OP in my mind.

Lazyjaney Tue 10-Dec-13 07:36:11

and batty....

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 10-Dec-13 07:38:49


jojoanna Tue 10-Dec-13 08:03:38


antimatter Tue 10-Dec-13 08:13:43

I hope you apologise OP!

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 10-Dec-13 08:43:04

Surprised to see that pile of swank still there confused

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 10-Dec-13 08:43:36

wank grin

cjel Tue 10-Dec-13 08:59:45

My goodness what a load of tosh!! OP you aren't happy with your H by your own admission. You were a cheat. that is no way to work on your marriage, It must be great being your dcs and living in such a wonderful happy family. FWIW I'm size 8-10 have had huge houses and fancy cars etc and was married for over 30 years, didn't cheat but found that 'working on it' was not always the only option.

Hope you are OK Bogey?

Bogeyface Tue 10-Dec-13 09:11:39

I'm good thanks CJel smile

I hope the OP isnt suffering too much this morning. In Vino Vitriol wink

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