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This is not going well :(

(62 Posts)
artsylady Mon 02-Dec-13 04:32:00

Hello again,

I guess some of you may remember my previous thread. I'm the arty asian American girl in NY that was breaking up with my bf. For those of you who don't, it was basically an idiotic thing where we hadn't been together a very long time. A woman he had feelings for in the past got divorced and re-entered his life. He started pursuing her. I found out, he wouldn't admit it, I went a bit psycho and read his emails/texts etc....thanks to some good advice here, I dumped him. That's the story.

So, I've been trying my best to be good. I've tried to not obsess about them or inquire whether they're together in a relationship yet. I've been living sensibly, no crazy nights out drinking, no embarrassing one night stands. I've been working, exercising, taking care of myself for a few weeks now!

Well this past weekend it all went wrong. So first off, I had a date. It was just a nice dinner with a guy my friend set me up with. No sex, nothing remotely physical happened. He's a nice guy, closer to my age than my ex (I'm 29, ex is 40), same field of work as me, better looking than ex, sweet guy....but I just got so depressed!!! It was so dull...I kept thinking back to my first date with my ex. I remember how excited and intimidated I was by him. How I fell in love with his charm and geekiness. How I just wanted to jump all over him haha. There is no way that I could come close to feeling that way about this guy I went on a date with...or anybody else I know really...

So after the date I was a bit down...well, things only got worse. For those of you that don't know, it was Thanksgiving this past weekend. So I went over to my parent's place to celebrate with them and my sister (plus her husband and kids). My mom started interrogating me about why we broke up. She only liked my ex because he's rich and educated. If it wasn't for his money and success, she would have probably been happy I broke up with him because he's a lot older than me. But no, he's rich, so he must be wonderful. So pretty quickly it went from that topic, to criticizing my taste in men, my career, lifestyle, even the way I dress. I didn't want to make a huge scene, so I just put up with it. Still, though, it's no fun being belittled like that in front of my whole family.

So now I'm back home and basically in tears sad
I honestly wish my ex could be here so I could just hug him and tell him what an awful weekend i've had. He's always been so good at being comforting because he can be so gentle and rational at the same time.

It makes it even worse to think that he's probably with her. Someone he clearly cares about so much more than he ever cared about me!

aaaaaaahhhh!!!1

madwomanintheatt1c Mon 02-Dec-13 04:48:34

So you had one date and didn't fancy the dude. No biggie, really.

Try a few more until you find one you like.

Fancying the pants off a guy who wants to be with someone else is some serious form of self-flagellation. You'd be nuts to contemplate going back - you just miss having someone there for you, though, however mealy their offerings.

Holidays are supposed to bring out the worst in families. I'm betting if you had burst into tears and said 'he doesn't love me' and wailed about how unhappy you are, and how you really wanted to be with him, but he's with someone else, they'd have been more sympathetic.

I'm not going to get embroiled though. Your threads can get lengthy and I have no real appetite for extended drama over such a relatively small thing.

uptheanty Mon 02-Dec-13 05:32:08

Did your ex fight for you?

Did he txt , call or accidentally run into you?

If not- well it says it all really.

You need to grow up & move on.

PedantMarina Mon 02-Dec-13 06:10:37

ArtsyGirl - in 99 out of 100 cases, Thanksgiving with the family sucks. If you were in a better place in general, you'd realise that there was no way you were going to come out of this weekend intact. Esp since you must have known what your mother was going to be like about this! It's easier said than done, I know!, to say "just let it roll off you", but go get a really long run in, get back to your fun job and put some instance between you and the harsh comments.

I followed your last fred with despair at first, but started to admire you towards the end. I was one of the ones who had counselled that you really should spend some time alone before trying to get into a new relationship. In theory, nothing wrong with a few dates, of course, but from what you're now posting you're already placing too much weight on this one date that just didn't fizz for you. Well, how could it have? You're still not clear in the head. And even if you thought better of the date, you'd have an even bigger problem, i.e. worrying if this guy was being painted with rebound-tinted rosiness.

Your main problem is two-fold and twisted to each other: you don't value yourself as a person without a man (I'm glaring rather pointedly in your mother's direction here) and you don't have a clear enough head to find and be with a good man.

And this can only get worse in the short term (Christmas! New Year's! Oh, the pressure to get a date!!!!), so just decide, right now, to step away from it all for a few weeks/months, and come back to the dating scene when you - YOU, not your mum or your friends or the holiday season or the threat of turning 30 - are ready.

Best of luck.

ALittleStranger Mon 02-Dec-13 09:59:25

Artsy the holidays are supposed to make you feel bad about yourself. Don't let this entirely predictable blip set you of course.

Did you explain to your mother why you had broken up with your ex? Anyone with a functional view of women or relationships would have to see that you did the right thing. If you explained the actual circumstances to your mother and she still reacted badly than the problem is with her, not you.

Also you had a meh date? I'm sorry but that's just how it goes. And until you meet someone you're interested in in their own right then of course you'll compare them to your ex. There's no harm in taking from your relationship an idea of what you do want (e.g. older, alpha male type), as long as you're also clear about what isn't good for you (err, all the rest).

I still think some counselling would be really beneficial if you could afford it.

Fairylea Mon 02-Dec-13 10:07:32

I think you need more time alone. When my dh left me (out of the blue for an old ex he found on facebook) the first few men I went on dates with were some sort of weird experiment (in hindsight) of trying to find someone who was better/more interesting/ less annoying/same or different looking to my ex- it was all about my ex rather than enjoying the date for what it was and giving the person a chance in their own right.

You need to get to the point where you actually don't have a fuck to give about your ex anymore and then you'll be in the right place to.meet someone new.

I did ! - I am now remarried and have another child.

Also, you have a toxic mother. Like mine really. You need space from her to rebuild your self confidence. She is chipping away at it and making you.look backwards to your ex rather than forwards.

The relationship with your ex wasn't right or you would be together now. So try to hang on to that and immerse yourself in activities and friends, find yourself again as a person ... not just the ex of the ex.

Well you got all excited about your X and look how that turned out - he sounds like a right twat. Things might just need time to grow with this new guy - some of my best friends have been people that I didn't immediately feel a connection with or even like! Or it might just be too soon.

A little distance from your toxic mother would not be a bad thing and work on yourself instead of giving her faulty opinions any head space.

artsylady Mon 02-Dec-13 18:01:56

I did explain to my mother why we broke up! I told her that he was pursuing this other woman and I didn't want to be strung along like a complete idiot. She really likes him but she didn't really have an argument to my reasoning, so she started going on and on about how I pick the wrong men. How my other ex was a complete loser and how now I found a suitable man but obviously didn't assert myself properly confused

She's honestly not as terrible as she sounds. Most of the time we get along fine, but she's so critical. It's not just of me but my sister too. The thing is that my sister always succumbed to the pressure and did as she was told, while I was the more rebellious one so I get a lot more crap.

Honestly, though, I don't know why on earth she likes him so much anyway. I swear if he wasn't a professor with a lot of money, she'd hate him and say that he was too old, not good looking enough, too assertive, whatever. It drives me mad, as if money is the only thing that matters in a relationship. I've got my own career, I've been completely fine supporting myself. I'm not going to let someone treat me like crap because he has $$$!!

The date really wasn't that bad. I think it's just my mother's stupid comments that made me feel like it went badly because I was inadequate, rather than there being no chemistry.

artsylady Mon 02-Dec-13 18:17:29

Alittlestranger Would you say that my ex is an alpha type man? I never really understood this concept, that's why I'm asking

artsylady Mon 02-Dec-13 18:26:54

PedantMarina Thanks, that's really sweet of you to say!
And you're right, I've realized it too. I do find it difficult to value myself without a man. This is something I realized in the past few weeks so it's difficult to change. The only thing I can do now is try to be single for a while, but truly single....no messing around or one night stands either...so that I can enjoy my life without a man. I guess I've spent my whole life like this, trying to impress and please men, that it's difficult to imagine not doing that!!

longtallsally2 Mon 02-Dec-13 18:27:11

No idea about the alpha male, but remember the old fridge magnet that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince . . .

In the meantime, book a holiday, volunteer, apply for a new job, set yourself a challenge, try to do something nice for someone every day . . . Life is rich and full and varied. Don't hang around for a man to make you happy. You will find one. In the meantime, there is a life to be led. Read books, buy the box set of your favourite TV programmes, sign up for evening classes, visit every state in the US - or just one that you haven't been to yet . . .

Best of luck

longtallsally2 Mon 02-Dec-13 18:29:20

Sorry didn't mean to sound brusque. Certainly not criticising. I was brought up to expect to be someone's wife/partner too, despite having a good education/career. It took me a long time to really believe I could be happy without a man - and of course, that was when I started to meet nice ones . . .

Best of luck

artsylady Mon 02-Dec-13 18:32:20

Longtallsally2 thanks for the nice advice! You're right too, I bet that once I change my thinking I will start meeting nicer men. I feel like I'm so used to being with losers that when a decent man like my ex came along (even though he ended up hurting me, he has a lot of positive qualities) I wanted to do everything possible to please him. I wonder if he picked up on that and took advantage

longtallsally2 Tue 03-Dec-13 09:28:48

Yup, consciously or subconsciously certain types of men will be drawn to the vibes you give out.

It won't be roses all the way - we all have tough months/years and good ones. And when you do have a tough day/month, your thoughts will go back to your ex and you will want him for the safety he made you feel. I had/have an ex like that too - we had 10 years together before I was able to let go, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.

But you can't sit around waiting for life to happen to you. There is so much that you can do with life - train yourself to push him to the back of your mind, when you feel sad, eat a bar of chocolate, grab life with both hands, and get on with living it. smile

MadBusLady Tue 03-Dec-13 11:42:11

Don't try and make excuses for your mother. She IS toxic and she has done you a lot of damage through her hyper-criticism and her messaging about men. These things can still be true even if she is sometimes loving and even if the two of you get on well sometimes. Toxicity doesn't come with horns and a tail. If she upsets you this much now as a rational adult when you can see quite well how unreasonable she is being, imagine/think back to how much more influence she must have had over your views and your self-image when you were growing up. Get angry about that.

You know, I have wondered a lot about how someone as clever, beautiful and fabulous as you has so little self esteem when it comes to relationships.
Then I read this thread.
Your mother has a lot to answer for.
Counselling really is necessary to deprogramme you for the toxic mindset she has dumped all over you.
You poor love, you never had a chance hmm

artsylady Tue 03-Dec-13 18:03:31

KatieScarlett awww thank you! smile

And thanks madbuslady and longtallsally2 for the advice!

You're right, my mom really did influence how I see myself and I can't believe I'm just starting to realize this. She knows how critical she is, but she's always told us that she does that for our own good, to make us better people, more successful, stronger, whatever....and that we should be grateful. So I suppose, even though it hurt me and pissed me off all these years, I never really questioned her! Maybe counseling is a good option after all! I have health insurance so money isn't a problem.

When I miss my ex, I just try to remember all the things I did for him and how time consuming it was, how I'm free now. For example, he is a terrible cook, so instead of cooking for himself he would always go out to eat (no wonder he's gaining weight!). I'm really health conscious so I just thought that was terrible and started cooking for him as much as I could. Sometimes it would be for both of us when I was at his place, but I'd often just make stuff and bring it for him. Don't have to waste time doing that anymore!!! and that's just one example!! What an idiot I was, he never even asked me for anything, I just wanted to do everything for him.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 03-Dec-13 18:15:28

Blimey, meals on wheels - what a service! I only make & take meals for ill or bereaved people - fully functioning adults can fend for themselves! grin

I have only once made DH anything (in 20 years). It was a bacon sandwich. In 1993 smile

Walkacrossthesand Tue 03-Dec-13 18:36:53

I don't mind cooking for people in my house. Quite like it, actually. But taking a meal round for someone else to eat? Only in the circumstances I referred to above. I take it he accepted your offerings? Without sheepishness ?

artsylady Tue 03-Dec-13 18:42:42

hahaha of course he did!!! And I'm telling you, that's just one example of the pathetic things I did to make him happy. Seriously, he never ever asked me for any of this, it was all my idea, which makes it even more pathetic but I loved it.

PedantMarina Tue 03-Dec-13 19:00:55

Good that you realise what I mentioned (self esteem=man in life), but knowing it on an intellectual level and feeling it in your emotions are two different things, so give yourself time.

I read an article on Cracked.com about how long it takes for for something to become a habit (60 days, I think), so I'm thinking that's the least amount of time you need to focus on yourself, rather than getting a man.

And please do read the Relationship freds about toxic parents (Stately Homes is the recurring one), where you'll discover the "Golden Child and the Scapegoat" model: thats your sister and you (in that order) to a T.

artsylady Wed 04-Dec-13 00:10:13

I know I'm completely messed up when I think about it!! When someone is nice to me (not just men) I honestly just give myself to them. This includes friends as well as boyfriends. I'd do anything for my friends, my family too even though they drive me insane.

Well both of the exes I talked about have been very nice to me, but in the end they hurt me really badly. Like this guy, he was always affectionate, considerate, giving. We'd never have a screaming match and he'd never insult me the way some men do (and I think a lot do). Although, I'm thinking that's more to do with his character than his feelings for me.

I've luckily never been in a terrible relationship like that, but yeah, when someone is nice to me, gives me a bit of affection and attention...I just go crazy. Maybe I just need to chill out a bit!!!

The grossest thing is when someone I find a bit intimidating or look up to (like my ex) is affectionate with me, I really lose it.

I've read the toxic parents threads actually. I read quite a bit on here, but I never have any good advice for people so don't want to post haha

beaglesaresweet Wed 04-Dec-13 01:06:31

you mention your mother OP, but did you have a father present? To me all this 'looking up to a man and going crazy if their nice' is a classic absent father (or emotionally distant father) legacy. It's gard to shift tis without counselling but even understanding it helps (and knowing what's behind your behaviour), you aer more likely to hold back a bit then.

beaglesaresweet Wed 04-Dec-13 01:06:55

they are, not their

artsylady Wed 04-Dec-13 01:13:36

No, my dad is around...I'm actually much closer to him than my mom! He's really different, more laid back and supportive.

longtallsally2 Wed 04-Dec-13 22:43:12

You might find the Narcissistic family book helpful - available on Amazon - or Children of the Self-absorbed: A Grown-up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. I recognise your family dynamics a lot. Fathers can often be very supportive and laid back, but still enable the toxic behaviour of mothers.

Sounds as if you are making a lot of progress in identifying what is going on with yourself. Try to build up a supportive group of friends around you and learn to trust them, relax in their company, and keep on posting!

artsylady Sat 07-Dec-13 02:12:00

Thanks for the book advice! Luckily I do have friends that I can rely on and talk to smile

Sadly, I just found out that my ex is now officially in a relationship with the ow he was pursuing....at least up until now I was under the hope that she might reject him but now I really can't stand that he's happy and has gotten what he wanted while I'm left all alone

longtallsally2 Sat 07-Dec-13 06:54:38

Aw sorry to hear that Artsy. It is never nice to know that our dreams don't work out, and losing a relationship when we were happy, is always the hardest thing. We've all had our hearts broken at one time or another: I certainly have. I have been left, but also been the one to leave: it takes courage to leave, but it doesn't make it any easier. It still takes lots of tissues and chocolate and good friends to move on, and most of all, it takes time.

But ultimately, it was the best thing that I could have done. It frees you to start again, building a new life which is full of possibilities, with many exciting things to look forward to. You don't feel it now, but you start again, and you plan nice things for yourself . . . one day at a time, one week at a time, until you realise that you have moved on emotionally, and that you are happier than you were before, or than you would ever have been had you not been brave enough to make that step.

Best of luck

PedantMarina Sat 07-Dec-13 23:26:35

artsy, just watching Pride & Prejudice (yes, the Colin Firth version), and a lot of life is available via this medium.

Wickham: total socipoath assole

*Elizabeth and Jane*: intellectually Up There, but bound by their upbringing, but a glimmering of their own minds coming through....

Darcy: misunderstood and best enjoyed in the context of "try to think before you deal with him...."

Mrs Bennet Yer mum. Nuff said.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 07-Dec-13 23:52:15

Well it proves you were right, he really was after her, so you didn't let him go for no reason. Not that that's much of a consolation right now.

BitOutOfPractice Sat 07-Dec-13 23:58:29

Oh artsy. That is a bitter blow hmm I know we all predicted it and you kind of knew it was coming, it's still a bitter pill to swallow. You poor thing.

Have you got some RL support / distraction?

artsylady Sun 08-Dec-13 01:37:58

Ugh so to make this whole thing worse, I'm really sick right now and can't go anywhere, can't really talk to anyone much either....just been in bed all day sneezing, coughing, confused

So I've mentioned before that a friend of mine works with him. Well apparently, some people from work were having a get together before the holidays and he was going. So someone asked if he was bringing me along (because I went to events with him before) and he told them that we split up but that he is actually seeing someone else now and that he's bringing her along. Then they had the event on Friday and she came and he introduced her as his girlfriend. Apparently, someone asked her how long they have been together and she said something like "it's very very recent" but they have known each other for years.

I mean I broke up with him a month ago and in no time at all he's already made her his girlfriend. I don't think they were together before I ended things, because I'm pretty sure if they were he would have dumped me. Plus, there was no actual evidence of that. Although I guess he spent over a month pursuing her while he was with me, so it's no surprise they got together so quickly.

Blah, plus I've been on a complete stalking "binge" of this woman. Something I said I wouldn't do again!!! Of course people asked about her, what she does, etc...and my friend spoke with her too so he could tell me what she's like. By all accounts, she seems to be a nice person, interesting, attractive....aaaaarrgghhhh!!!!

It's like I'm having this complete life changing time because of my ex...questioning my self esteem, my relationship with my mother, staying away from relationships...it's really affected me...and for him it was nothing that we broke up. Probably just the push he needed to make things happen with this woman... sad

artsylady Sun 08-Dec-13 01:46:02

And I'm mad that she fell for him!!! I was counting on her to turn him down.....it's just like he's this complete ass that knows how to charm people and gets his way all the time, it's not right

PedantMarina Sun 08-Dec-13 09:01:07

It was said, way back on your first fred, that it seemed like she had always been "the one" for him, so don't be upset that he "suddenly" managed to land her - it wasn't a recent thing, it had been waiting to happen for years, and his time with you (+ her marriage before it broke down) was merely putting that off.

Hope that doesn't sound harsh - I think you knew that on an intellectual level. But of course you're bunged up with flu-ey badness right now - logic isn't going to get a look-in when you're feeling rough.

Speaking of way overdue, there's all your recent introspection, and questioning your mother's relationship. It's what you need to do, and have needed to do for some time now. Some of it is going to suck, but you'll be better for it in the long run. Again, something that the logical part of you knows, but the phlegm is stopping from getting through.

Having a wobble doesnt make you a bad person. Get loads of sleep, cry if you want to, and look after yourself.

FeelingOrange Sun 08-Dec-13 12:01:46

Don't be surprised that they got together so quickly, after all he has known her for years, it's not as if they had just gone on a couple of dates. Especially if he was pursuing her for a while (and quite intently by the way you described it). At least you know they weren't in a proper relationship while he was still with you.

There's nothing wrong with being curious about her. Even a bit of checking up isn't horrible. It's only normal, who wouldn't want to know about the woman that we were left for. As long as it doesn't distract you from focussing on the really important things, like rediscovering your self esteem.

Best of luck!

artsylady Sun 08-Dec-13 23:44:55

I'm not surprised, it's just kind of made everything real I guess.
Plus I feel extra creepy now because I know SO MUCH about this woman and she has no clue who am I! Seriously, I literally know her entire life story (well, minus personal stuff)...like where she's from, what she did back home, when she moved to America, what she does now. Can't help comparing myself to her.

Also, I've just been feeling so down lately. Not just because I'm sick, it started before that. I have zero motivation to do anything. When I look at myself in the mirror I just think "ugh it's you again". I feel so angry when I see couples walking down the street. Plus I'm so irritable at the tiniest things. It's awful!!

Ok and really really stupid thing...I get so mad whenever I see a pretty blonde woman walking down the street haahaha. I'm a dumbass I know!

Twinklestein Sun 08-Dec-13 23:57:10

Don't worry about it, I know stuff about my first bf's wife that I shouldn't. I'm not even jealous, just nosey.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:05:48

My stalking was actually an educational experience!! She's from Croatia and I knew nothing about that country before, never met anyone from there, nothing....but now I am filled with random facts about it haha

I also googled the company that she works for and know all the qualifications I may need if I wanted her job....(which I don't because it seems incredibly boring)

So I guess it's not a bad thing if I learned something new, right?

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 00:11:49

I think it's a bad thing if it's making you depressed.

What did she do I can't remember, she worked with your ex didn't she?

(I shouldn't encourage you).

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:18:10

Well, now she does an admin job at a law firm (boring!!). She worked with my ex before, it was also an admin type job in his department. Before that, when she was back home, she worked in tourism. I don't think she even went to college or anything (not that I'm judging, just an observation). You see what I mean...I'm such a creepy stalker!!

Honestly, this whole situation has got me so down!!! I'm really considering taking everyone's advice and seeking some form of counceling.......I honesly never saw myself doing this, but maybe it'll be worthwhile.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:26:10

you feel symptoms of derpression - it will pass, it happens to many people just after a break-up - and it's been a bit of a shock for you. Don't force being cheerful, and don't blame yourself for being depressed - just feel it and try to treat yourself with something distracting, maybe exrecise, go for long walks in fresh air, see friends. Just know that it's normal and it will pass in a few weeks.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:28:22

if you feel like counselling, do it! maybe even just a few sessions may help you feel you aer dealing with this better. I didn't suggest it in the las tpost purely because you said before you didn't want to do it.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:34:11

Alpha men (or traditional types) often go for women who are not high achievers.
I'd advise that you don't choose to date men who 'intimidate' as you described with him, looking up to a guy puts you in a vulnerable position, and yo uliterally wouldn't know what to expect. You should respect him, but he should EQUALLY respect you for your creativity/interesting job/personality. Go for someone who is more like an equal friend to you first of all, rather than a father figure who takes care of you, they appear reliable - but remember they are NOT your father, they are men who make the decisions (what's best for them) in that set up.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:34:34

I have mixed feelings about it. Honestly, I'm just frightened of it for some reason. But I have found that talking about my feelings with people (like on this forum) has been extremely helpful. So it might be worth a shot.

It's just very different writing all these things down anonymously. Like I know that a bunch of people read and respond to what I wrote, but it's like an interactive journal. Seeing a therapist would be so different, just one to one. My problems aren't really that big in comparison to a lot of other people's. I just have this image of sitting with some intimidating old man who will judge me confused

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 00:36:05

Ah that's right.

I somehow doubt she's the love of his life. When you first said they worked together I assumed you meant that they were both academics, and when two people have an intellectual connection, that's a very strong bond.

But, she's not, and I reckon she's just another of sample for his collection, and it will last until she says she wants kids, like George Clooney.

Counselling's a good idea, but you probably need to think about this less rather than more. Counselling might help you figure out what you've learnt from this experience and what positives you can take forward.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:40:11

you can always try counselling (you can CHOOSE a woman), and if you don' t like it after a couple of times, no one would make you continue. Personally I had a bad experience - I paid a lot of monmey to an older woman who just set and listened without giving ANY advice, her type of therapy was just to let you spill it all out - I felt like that was I 'm doing and went in circles - after 10 times of the same I stopped as it was aridiculous waste of money. But I had to choos e randomly (thogh she had some credentials) - be careful and ask for recommendation, or at least ask then what kind of therapy it is, whether theyu would actually TALK and guide you or just sit there grin.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:41:08

I hope you're right! I know it's very hateful but I really hope it doesn't work out. Well I do know that he helped her get that job at his old work place. That's how they met apparently. She had just moved here and was having a hard time finding a job. There was some job opening within his department and they share a mutual friend. So the mutual friend introduced them and he helped her get the job.

I might try and talk to a friend who has seen a therapist before and ask her to recommend someone. At least then I may know it'll be a trusted person. I was originally agains tht eidea, but I can't shake this horrible feeling that I have. It seems more substantial than anything I've experienced before sad

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:43:32

hmm. I don't agree, Twin, that she is just a sample. He sounds like the type of man who really knows what he likes/wants. He knew and liked that woman for MANY years, but she was married. No one os that patient and then jumps when a woman divorces if they don't feel a real connection - especially as he really is not a womaniser by the OP's account.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:46:01

if you aer lucky to find a good experienced and kind therapist, they will definitely help - especially with the damage your mother has done.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:46:27

Yeah he's not really a womanizer. I'm actually pretty sure that he was faithful all the time we were together (minus the last month with her)

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 00:47:07

What types of things do they usually ask you when you go to a first therapy session??

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:50:31

But remind yourself, Op, that many people get dumped, men amd women, it's not fair if htey had feelings, but it's life - if the partner prefers another person to them, it means they are not as compatible with you as you thought. It also makes you appreciate the right one when they come along. You are really not the only one in this situation, so take something positive fron that. It's just all been happening very fast, so you having a typical shock symptoms - anger, depression.

beaglesaresweet Mon 09-Dec-13 00:53:47

they ask what do you think you nee dhelp with, and often then ask about your childhood background or relationship background (this may be on second session if the first is short). Maybe ask to tell them about all hte emotions going on. Pretty much all that you wrote on your threads. Then it gets deeper but it's gradual.

artsylady Mon 09-Dec-13 01:00:00

Well that doesn't sound awful at all!!! I'll give it some though...maybe when I get over this cold, I'll contact a few people and ask for recommendations.

Thanks a lot for the info!!! smile

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 01:36:41

I disagree beagle because what you're really talking about is being a philanderer. I'm not implying he would be unfaithful to any of his gfs, he doesn't need to be because none have been long term.

He's 40 odd and has had 20 years of moving around and no long term relationships.

An academic in a relationship with someone who works in admin, it's hardly a meeting of minds is it? That she's beautiful is the obvious attraction, and the fact she was unobtainable. A player could absolutely maintain an interest in her while pursuing other relationships; I know guys who've pursued women for longer than that, and it wasn't love, just the challenge.

FeelingOrange Mon 09-Dec-13 06:53:57

I think that the only person who can truly know how he feels about this woman is him. Although, there are many reasons why their relationship may not work out. It's entirely possible that he is just a rebound for her. From personal experience, when I got out of a long term relationship, I welcomed the first man that gave me a bit of attention. She just got out of a marriage and must, like you, have been feeling pretty low. It must have been a huge boost to her ego to have been showered with all the attention that he gave her.

From what you describe, she also seems to have the damsel in distress thing going on. Alpha men love those types of women, that could also be part of the attraction.

Don't feel badly about wanting it to not work out between them, it's completely normal! Although do focus on yourself and getting through this.

Counselling isn't a bad option. You can talk about whatever you want and they are always gentle with you. You may come across someone who isn't particularly good, but most wouldn't sit there judging you! Asking friends for suggestions is a good idea.

artsylady Tue 10-Dec-13 00:34:28

okay I took a huge step today!!! I made an appointment with a therapist!! It's going to be in Jan though, after New Years....she didn't have anything earlier and it's hardly an emergency.

I'm really nervous, it's going to be so hard to talk about all these issues with a real life person!!!!

PedantMarina Wed 11-Dec-13 11:57:48

I think the word twinklestein and others have been groping for is "serial monogamist".

Artsy, look up Cynthia Heimel (she's from your neck of the woods anyway!) - she did some pretty good relationship/[quasi]feminist writings. In one she described a theory that all men are either men, boys or hairdressers. Worth a read.

Well done with the counselling step. It's worth doing.

artsylady Wed 11-Dec-13 16:10:24

I never really understood the point of being a serial monogamist! If you're going to be in a long term relationship with someone, why not just make a real commitment? It's not like he's going out sleeping with different women on a regular basis, so what's the deal?

PedantMarina Thu 12-Dec-13 17:32:05

I dunno, I guess they can just kid themselves they're not cheating, but still don't make a real commitment

FeelingOrange Fri 13-Dec-13 01:06:11

I think those type of men want all the good things from a relationship (affection, companionship, support, sex) without dealing with the negative things (fights, problems, etc). They may genuinely care for the woman they are with but value their own freedom more. I think they are happy to continue a relationship until the woman wants more from them, like living together or (god forbid) to have children. That would mean that the real world would sink in and they have to run away. I think that your ex and his new woman will have their relationship tested when she wants more (if she will want that) from him than just a shoulder to cry on and someone to spend time with.

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