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Me again - what do I do for the best ?

(228 Posts)
Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 00:05:35

So I'm still in Perth Australia. I was working, had a great job which I got made redundant from because the market here has gone so quiet it's like 2007 in the uk. It came with a 457 visa which means no entitlement to child benefit, rental assistance or tax credits equivalent.
Dickhead managed to get himself a commission only job which just covers the rent and food, nothing else. He needs a car - we have a loan for $1100 a month - we simply cannot pay it.
With the job going my visa is finished on 25th January 2014 unless one of us gets sponsorship - based on previous experience it's unlikely to be him.
He wants, no sorry is insisting on staying in Perth.
God knows how - he wants us to get permanent residency but time is not on our side - come 25th January we would be here illegally which will go against us in any application for residency.
So it's down to me to get a job and another visa to help a man who's screwed me over for the past five years to live his dream and the only reason I would do this is so my kids see their father.
If I go back to the uk he plans to visit once a year and Skype FFs.
I have concerns about what child support he would pay - its my only source of income ATM and he regularly threatens to withdraw it even now.
What do I do ? I am so worried the children will blame me for taking them from their father and friends and tbh Perth is the better place to bring kids up. I just can't even think straight with all the stress.
To add insult to injury he is online dating, telling the children the names of his one night stands, choosing to go and see women the night before he leaves for a business trip rather than job hunting. He's a complete cunt tbh, I wonder how much of a loss he would be to the kids anyway if they never saw him again.

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 00:06:14

Oh and PR I would have to pay for, the last $12000 I have to my name.

Pancakeflipper Mon 02-Dec-13 00:09:09

I have seen your posts before and still clueless to why you are still taking this shit. For the sake of your children get away from him.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 00:11:06

I have never understood why you are still there.

You would feel guilty about taking your kids away from a father who tells them who he has screwed ?

Seriously ?

Pancakeflipper Mon 02-Dec-13 00:13:15

Live in whatever country you can/want to. Just get away from him.

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 00:17:00

I'm so scared of having four children on my own if I'm honest

Pancakeflipper Mon 02-Dec-13 00:21:41

But you kinda are on your own already, just with a freeloader who had no respect for you.

BlondieTinsellyMinx Mon 02-Dec-13 00:24:29

Please don't spend that money on PR.

Use it to make a new life with the kids.

If he's no support to you and doesn't contribute financially then it's like having a 5th dependent isn't it?... Only he's one that you don't love and who causes only stress. You deserve better. Don't waste any more of your time or money on him.

antimatter Mon 02-Dec-13 00:26:48

OMG - his comments about online dating to your kids?

that IS insane!

how old are your kids? regardless of their age I would not stay under the same roof with someone behaving as he does

do you have any base here in UK to come back to?
(sorry I haven't read your previous posts)

market has been picking up here (at least around London/SE Eng), have you looked what's available here for you?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 00:27:57

How are you not "on your own" now ?

Being badly accompanied is much worse than "being on your own", surely ?

have you friends/relatives back in the UK ?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 00:30:38

Sweety, things are picking up back here. if you sit it out there and the trend in Oz follows the UK, you are looking at it getting worse before it gets better and about another 5 years of downturn

You don't have that much time to play with, and your kids certainly do not need to be subjected to this kind of crap

let him live out his pathetic mid life crisis as he deserves to... without his family looking on

eightandthreequarters Mon 02-Dec-13 00:32:07

Just get on a plane with the kids and leave before your visa runs out. Whether Perth is a better place to bring up kids is really a non-question as you're about to lose your entitlement to be there at all. That's the best possible excuse to get out! Grab it with both hands, OP, and go make a wonderful new life for yourself and your DC.

BeCool Mon 02-Dec-13 00:38:35

I imagine being on your own will be just like now but without the massive talking idiot bolder you are dragging around at the moment.

I can understand why you feel totally fucked. It's daunting. I think you need to think about you, what is going to work for you and then DC.

Please do not prioritise this utter fuck up of a loser.

Baby steps - what is your first baby step?

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 00:53:40

I could soldier on though and get another visa - even without pr - I could stay, I'm not adding him to the next visa though.

Lweji Mon 02-Dec-13 00:59:20

I am of the opinion that children need good fathers not bad fathers.

Regarding child support, it's not as if you're getting a huge amount anyway.

I'd say cut your loses short and move back to the UK. At least both you and the children will have the rest of the family nearby, on both sides.

I wouldn't be surprised if, eventually he will have to go back to the UK.

bunchoffives Mon 02-Dec-13 01:01:59

Oh come on OP, your poor DC don't deserve to have him inflicted on them. What kind of father discusses his shagging with his kids, and in front of their mother? Jeez, and you're wondering if you should stay for their sake?

You will manage with your DC, many women are lps and do just fine and so do their DC.

What do you want to do, leaving aside the rights and wrongs?

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 01:15:58

I won't have any family support in the uk so I'm no worse off.
He told them the name and a bit about the girl he'd had the ONS with - I don't suppose he thought she was a one off at the time lol but he hasn't been invited back ;-)

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 01:17:35

Honestly I think I would be happier with my kids growing up in Perth than the area of the uk we'd be heading back to - I still have my house there so that would be logical, I also have a good school place offer in both uk and Perth which makes the decision all the harder.

bunchoffives Mon 02-Dec-13 01:21:15

So if you'd be happier in Perth why not stay there, get your job and visa and get rid of the twat? Focus on making yourself totally independent of him and limit his contact with the DCs until you are sure he is behaving appropriately to them. It is him in your life that is causing the problems, yes?

whitesugar Mon 02-Dec-13 01:21:53

Mosman, you said 'I'm so scared of having four children on my own if I'm honest'. Let me assure you from experience that having 4 children on your own will be a damn sight easier than having that complete tool in your and your childrens' life. I am going to sound harsh here but I have been there, and have lived in Perth a long way from home. Please believe me you will cope a lot better on your own. Your children know exactly what's going on and you are showing a very poor example to them. I wouldn't give such harsh advise lightly. Get the hell out of this situation. Its going to be tricky but put yourself and your kids first. You deserve a lot better. I hope to hear from you soon saying that you left and that things improved. You are a hell of a lot more capable than you realise. I wish you well, you can do it.

Lweji Mon 02-Dec-13 01:22:48

You can live in different areas of the UK, if not at first, at least eventually.
And if you end up illegally in Perth, with no income, it cannot possibly be better than the UK.

Do you not have family in the UK? I didn't mean as support, but having family contact and links can be important for you and your children.

If you get another job, and end up staying in Perth, I'd get divorced for good.

DistanceCall Mon 02-Dec-13 01:23:48

I think I said something like this to you in the past, but anyway: I think you're enjoying the drama in some way. This makes no sense at all. Do you like being a martyr?

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 01:31:07

I don't think so tbh ... It's more that I get paralysed by the fear of doing the wrong thing if that makes sense.
My brother says make a call and own it which I know is absolutely the right advice but I find it so hard to put one foot in front of the other right now. I have no doubt I'm depressed I just want to curl up into a ball

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 01:47:55

I'm in a similar situation - I have to live with my ex-partner in order to stay in Austraila. We're on our 5th 457 visa, at the moment he holds it, for the last 2 years I did. We're hoping his sponsoring company will sponsor for PR after 2 years (we've tried this before but each time it's fallen through after 2 years of waiting, hence the number of 457s).

I completely understand your wanting to stay in Perth rather than return to the UK and leave him behind. It's a big decision to separate the children from their father and life in Australia is wonderful for children.

That said, the question is how you can remain. It's very hard to get a 457 unless you are approached by a company. I've managed it by being head hunted before, DP has managed by being in-situ with an organisation when one of our visas is ending and then asking for sponsorship.

The spouse who is currently de-facto on the visa is in the strongest position - they can find work anywhere. The spouse who holds the visa can't now work without a new visa being issued.

You need to act quickly. I would start a campaign with the job agencies - if you were sponsored before then you have specialist skills. Make sure your LinkedIn profile is full of key words and sells you hard - I get 3-4 approaches for work each month from LinkedIn.

Update your CV and pepperdash the agencies with it via Seek. Expect a deafening silence, do not mention your visa status on it. You will probably be called back for a job that is not listed.

If you are approached by a company this way then you are far more likely to get a visa or an offer of PR.

If your DH is currently the spouse on the visa then he should be pulling out the stops to get a decent job - he is eligible for working anywhere. Once he gets his foot in the door then he can ask to be sponsored. Having said that your visa expiry date is very soon. The majority of companies don't check up on visas once you've started so I expect he would be able to continue working once it has expired - obviously illegally and I wouldn't recommend it.

If you can you need to work as a team in order to stay in Australia. Alternatively you may have to return to the UK and attempt to get sponsorship again from there - it can sometimes be easier.

It's too late to attempt to go the PR route individually now, the process takes a long time and by the time you've got all the paperwork together they'll probably have changed the rules again <bitter experience>.

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 02:21:43

He is pulling out all the stops tbh but just can't seem to get or keep anything that pays enough to support one household never mind two.

Lavenderhoney Mon 02-Dec-13 02:31:24

I think your hand has been forced by the visa issue, sub consciously or not. Financially you could wobble on. What about the dc, will they be illegal as well?

You cannot remain there, financially, legally, for the good of your mental health. Why don't you leave now, spend the Christmas holiday getting organised and your dc start school in jan? Better for them than starting mid term in February. It could be done. Its not insurmountable. I don't see why you are making all these personal sacrifices. Are you still in love with him? Because, by the way he treats you and is openly dating, that ship has sailed.

Your dh is a tool. His behaviour to you and the dc wrt dating is unacceptable. You will have the support you need in the UK with benefits til you have a job. Your dc will be at school and making friends so you will have all day to do that. You don't have family in Perth either, I guess, so UK will be the same, only you are from here so there are intangible and well as tangible benefits.

But you know all this? What's stopping you really? The enormity of moving 4 dc and starting again?

Aussiemum78 Mon 02-Dec-13 02:44:06

What country were your children born in? I think you need good legal advice before leaving.

Australian child support can be collected from him regardless of where you live as far as I know.

Would he be open to moving states? What professions are you in?

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 02:58:39

He doesn't have a profession as such he was in pharmaceutical sales - all east cost, I suppose he's a sales manager - 10 a penny lets face it. I am in HR which is seen as a bit of a joke in Australia from what I've experienced so far.

I am absolutely not in love with him, haven't been for five years probably longer tbh

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 03:01:18

Australian child support is a fucking nightmare to collect from the uk, my eldest child's father is Australian and he does pay a pitness but I tried to take him to the high court in London and basically lost because the uk CSA has no teeth.

This is besides the pint almost though because the day I get on a plane he is stuffed. I shall phone DIAC and claim my $5000 to dob him in as illegal

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 03:03:02

One child is Aussie the other three are british. That brings extra expense as 457 visa holders are being charged $4000 per child as of January for schooling - he has no way of covering this.

MillyRules Mon 02-Dec-13 03:28:07

Perths lovely but so are many places. Kids adjust and your happiness is important too. Ive lived in Perth but love living in Wales more.

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 03:30:13

457 Visa holders can claim that expense back Mosman - I do for all of my school fees via FBT.

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 03:32:39

What skill were you granted your previous 457 under?

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 03:38:25

What's FBT please ? They are only introducing these fees in jan 2014 because of the influx of 457's into Perth

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 03:39:31

I was granted it under recruitment - I don't have a problem recruiting but the markets so slow I keep making a pig ear of it - and my hearts not in it either, obviously I need a kick up the arse.

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 04:59:58

Fringe Benefit Tax. As a 457 visa holder you can claim back the costs of flights overseas, mobile, child education, professional membeships, taxi trips, 1 x laptop, 1 x PDA and airport lounge membership.

They deduct the amount you claim from your gross income before tax, so effectively you get about 50% back in your pay packet.

I usually do this as I go but I believe you can also recover this through your tax return (don't quote me on that though, I haven't done so yet, I claim the second I have to pay for any of the above). With a bit of planning it can be very efficient - eg buy a laptop and take a flight overseas - you can claim back the cost of both laptop flight/holiday AND claim back the GST on the way out of the country.

Hmm. Recruitment, yes that makes sense. Are you specialist in HR, director level/relatively senior? I'm assuming you are true HR rather than recruitment itself?

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 05:05:03

Here you go, some more information. Since the abolition of LAFHA this has become a more obscure area to claim but my accountant's compliance team went through the legislation with fine toothcomb and agree it's claimable for 457 visa holders.


arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 05:06:08
Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 05:18:20

Wow that would make a huge difference to my decision making

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 05:20:04

God I love Mumsnet - thank you

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 06:02:09

After the initial excitement my potential wmployer won't have anything to do with fringe benefit tax - they have to pay through the nose for it - you must be very loved arfishy

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 07:09:57

No I'm a contractor - I pay for this sort of thing but it's very worth it. This is also why it would be hugely advantageous if your DH got a visa, you could contract and use this sort of payroll service.

I don't know enough about the tax to know if you can claim this via your tax return instead. I'm trying to for the 2 years I held the visa and couldn't get my employer to process it either. I haven't had the answer yet though. At least that way you'd get a massive rebate at the end of the year.

If you do need to go back to the UK don't forget you can cash in your super contributions.

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 08:16:05

Oh if he got a 457 I would be laughing ... Not holding my breath though

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Dec-13 09:08:38

Oh mosman...

It sounds like you can't see the wood for the trees. It's easier to have the children on your own than with such a knob. I haven't got 4 but 2 pre schoolers, youngest was 6 months when the ex went. Once you haven't got a dickhead draining the life out of you, looking after the kids becomes surpringsly easy and life is sunnier in general.

Sounds like you're in a fog. Anyway you can get space from him to make a decision. Your Bro is right- love his phrase, make a decision and own it. Not easy to do in the midst of what you're experiencing, I know.

Longdistance Mon 02-Dec-13 10:18:05

He's got you over a barrel wrt the dc. It sounds bloody miserable for all of you. It sounds like you're really stuck there, which is a shit feeling.

I suggest you come back with the dc and stitch the bastard up, and see how he likes it.

sorry it's short I'm on my phone.

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 10:46:23

My biggest worry is that the best way to stitch him up is to stay not go. If I leave I'm holding the baby ... All four if them and he's living the fucking dream whilst telling anyone who'll listen what a bitch I am for snatching his children ... I bet he'd drive me to the fucking airport to make sure we go

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 10:50:23

So what ?

I've said this before (probably under another name) but you are still far too attached to this man. Every post you make screams of it.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

mistlethrush Mon 02-Dec-13 10:56:29

You're better off without him and making a secure future for your children on your own rather than expecting him to help by the sound of it. I would be using this as a good excuse to leave.

Lweji Mon 02-Dec-13 11:27:03

But the point here is not what happens to him, but how happy you will be.
Take him out of the equation and decide what you want as best for all 5 of you.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Dec-13 11:45:33

Living the dream?? Let him.

Surely your dream is a peaceful, contented life with your dc?? I know 4 is hard work, I'm not being flippant but surely you'd rather not have him screwing them up, telling him about conquests?? Ffs. This man is a moron!!

OddFodd Mon 02-Dec-13 11:57:19

You seem to be making a decision on whether to stay or go based largely on the impact it will have on him (whether or not he'll be delighted/living the dream or living there illegally).

Take that out of the equation entirely. If you want to leave him, leave him. That's one decision. Then the second one is if you stay in Aus or come back to the UK. If you don't have a visa, you will have to come back so that decision may be taken away from you anyway.

I'd be prepping your kids that you're most likely going to be moving if I were you

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Dec-13 11:59:04

Oddfodd is right...exactly spot on.

Blossomflowers Mon 02-Dec-13 12:02:46

There is one thing for sure honey that just cannot stay with this vile man, whether that be in UK or Australia.
Is it possible to stay there without him and have the correct visa? Sorry but confused as know nothing about visa rights etc. Something is clear you obviously like living there but he is ruining everything and destroying. If ever LTB was correct it is in your situation. I actually feel [angry for you

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 12:41:40

Yeah I can get a visa and take him off mine grin he's utterly fucked without me.
I've also found out today I can get PR in my own right too. Now it's just a question of whether I want it

mammadiggingdeep Mon 02-Dec-13 12:54:34

Yes- that decision has to be made about you and not whether it will fuck him over...

Blossomflowers Mon 02-Dec-13 13:02:35

To me ( and I have read your previous thread) there are 2 options get a job in Auss apply for Visa, if you cannot get a job then it seems you will have no choice to come back to UK. Neither option should involve your fuckwit of a husband. You say you do not love him then why do you seem to care so much about what he does and thinks. It is up to him to continue a relationship with the kids.

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 13:19:07

I don't know why I care ... I guess I don't like being screwed over and do don't want him to do it again via the kids.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 13:21:43

If you keep these kids around him, you are allowing him to screw them over. In what way do you mean "screw over" ?

mistlethrush Mon 02-Dec-13 13:24:47

So... how can you avoid him screwing you over via the kids? Not paying any maintenance - well you're not actually expecting him to come up with any anyway are you, so not that... Messing up their mind by discussing his latest exploits - seems to me that geographic distance would help with this one.

Blossomflowers Mon 02-Dec-13 13:25:13

But if you are not together he will not get that opportunity. What about your happiness, fuck him. Just stop thinking about how it will affect him and think about all that matters you and the kids. Let him live his sad seedy little life, one day he might turn around and face up to what a dick he has been and all that he is lost. But for now some big decisions need to made. HR is a good career in the UK, and not such a terrible place to live. ( I am in recruitment, so should know)

MillyRules Mon 02-Dec-13 13:30:51

Don't you think that this relationship of yours is bad for your children and your priority is ti remove them from it? Isnt that more important than who wins what. In the end kids adapt wherever they live as long as they feel valued and loved. You are allowing them to be living in such a toxic environment. Who knows how they will turn out hmm confused

MillyRules Mon 02-Dec-13 13:35:22

And I love living here in the UK. Wouldn't move home again. I would miss the seasons here. I'd miss all the traditions and proper Christmases. I would miss the people. I'm Australian and my parents still live there but there are some beautiful picturesque places to live here, I'm in the mountains looking at snow as we speak. grin

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 14:04:49

:-) I hear ya

Vivacia Mon 02-Dec-13 14:19:20

All of your smiling and winking emoticons seem so incongruous with what you're describing. You are putting up with complete shit, seem wrapped up in making him sad (rather than focussing on making you and the children happy). What do you want people to say??

Lavenderhoney Mon 02-Dec-13 14:45:51

Mosman, if he left tomorrow physically because clearly he has left emotionally, what would you do?

I agree, stop thinking about him and what do you want? The dc don't really get a say at this point as unless you cannot take them out of the country for whatever reason which is a legal one, not emotional.

its not really an emotional decision you have to make. Get your business and money head on, write down all the facts and what do they say?

You sound as if you want to stay. If you have exhausted all avenues you must plan to leave. Don't wait til end jan and be in a panic. It will cause more stress.

If your company want you to stay, can't they help you?

BeCool Mon 02-Dec-13 14:48:31

I get paralysed by the fear of doing the wrong thing if that makes sense.

Right now the wrong thing is continuing to live with this utter dickhead who (apart from everything else) thinks it is OK and appropriate to discuss his ONS's with his children. In front of their mother no less.

FFS what a prat!!

It sounds like you can stay or you can go WRT Oz/UK - but whatever you do you need to cut yourself loose from this prat. However much you must 'fear' being a LP, you don't seriously think you can stay living with DickHead do you? No of course not. So you can remove fear of being LP from the 'list of paralyzing fears'

BeCool Mon 02-Dec-13 14:53:16

I also think you need to refocus your focus.

You seem to be overly concerned with him, what he thinks, wants and will do. In the grand scheme of reclaiming your life and sanity who actually gives a flying fuck as to what anyone else thinks about the matter?

You are giving him lots of power by focusing on him and also engaging on his level.

As others of said, cut him lose, think of yourself and your DC. He's not worth another iota of your time or engergy.

arfishy Mon 02-Dec-13 22:21:46

Do you want him in your children's life? If you don't then it will be easy to get rid of him either by returning to the UK or by remaining in Australia and letting immigration know about his illegal status in January (assuming you are getting sponsored by a company by then).

If you do want him in their life then strictly speaking you will still need to live together in order for him to be able to live in Australia - at least while the visa is being processed. After PR or a new 457 is issued then you could live apart - [disclaimer: legally you are supposed to tell immigration of any change in circumstances, so if he moved out and continued to live in Australia on a spousal visa then he would still be living here illegally].

Your situation is so much more complex than "LTB" - whatever decision you make could mean your children separated from their father by an enormous distance. He has treated you appallingly and I don't envy your position at all.

What do you think is best for the children? Australia and their father in their life or the UK and no father?

Mosman Mon 02-Dec-13 22:57:58

And there is the dilemma ... They love their dad

RandomMess Mon 02-Dec-13 23:06:39

They will always love him, even if he is a complete bastard to them. Is he a good parent to them? It doesn't sound like it to me.

Lweji Mon 02-Dec-13 23:08:57

My DS loves his dad, but he's 3 hours plane away and hasn't been with him in almost a year.
He recognises that it's best if dad is not around.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 02-Dec-13 23:35:12

Kids still love the parents that batter and torture them. It's what they are programmed to do, I am afraid.

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 03:56:15

Sigh ... Not easy is it ... I'm just exhausted with it all

desi279 Tue 03-Dec-13 05:06:35

This is an easy decision. But you refuse to accept it. You would rather waste your energy thinking about him and hating him. In that case continue on your current path.... I have no sympathy! It is your kids I feel sorry for.

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 05:17:57

I feel sorry for the kids too hence I'm trying to pick the least damaging path and if I thought that was as simple as getting on a plane I would but I know the easy road for me might not be best for them.

Ehhn Tue 03-Dec-13 05:59:59

I am going to reiterate what others have said. You have two simple choices based on visas and your legal status.

1. Apply for your own visa and continue living and working in Australia.

2. Do nothing and go home/get deported in January

Which are you going to do?

The rest is emotional baggage that you will have to deal with at some point. Kids will love their dad regardless of what a dickhead he is. In fact, they may try to love him harder the worse he is, in the mistaken hope that he will behave better and love them back more. This will likely screw them up and make their adult relationships more difficult/fucked up.

However, for your own reasons you are not emotionally ready yet to make a definite decision about changing access to their father, whether from another house of your own (rented) somewhere in Australia or from somewhere in the UK.

Which takes us back to the factual choice of option 1. Or 2. Which will it be?

riverboat Tue 03-Dec-13 07:28:18

Talking about ONS is definitely not on. How is he as a father in other respects?

It is a big decision to start a new life with the children in the UK that essentially denies them a real relationship with their father, so I can understand why you aren't just getting straight on a plane without a second thought.

Then again, there is presumably nothing stopping him coming back to the UK too if you went. You say that you all went to Perth because it's his dream, but it doesnt sound like the dream is working out too well in terms of practicalities. Surely he should do the decent thing and move back to the UK if you do, in order to continue parenting his children. Looked at this way, you shouldn't be taking responsibility for severing the children's relationships with their father.

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 07:44:06

Well generally he's an ok dad but 3 affairs and this current form tells me his dick is making the decisions these days.
I know I shouldn't feel guilty and he could and should come back to the uk but he's determined he won't and that's that.
The kids want to stay and are fed up of the disruption understandably.
I just feel between a rock and hard place, you know? I'm not sure I have it in me to raise these four kids alone .., I'm not sure I want to. Why is it he destroys our family and I get to deal with the shit ... Why isn't he the single parent struggling on benefits or juggling Childcare ?

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 08:43:55

Visa aside why would you want to live with someone who is fucking other people and clearly has not respect for you. And the bit about telling the kids about his conquests, I mean really wtaF.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 08:51:45

And Mosman " I know I shouldn't feel guilty and he could and should come back to the uk but he's determined he won't and that's that." But you have already said you are the one with the visa so if you leave then he will have no choice, Sorry don't get it. You also talk about being a single mum on benefits, why would you. You sound qualified, should be able to secure a job and get help with childcare, I believe you will get help. You can then start living your life again, instead of agonising about what your DP is up to.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 03-Dec-13 08:52:27

Mos, I completely understand your bitterness, but it is paralysing you. Let it go.

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 09:05:51

He will stay here illegally ... He has said that for as long as he can ... He would rather do that than be with his children.
We are sleeping in separate rooms have been since feb and I've done my fair share of shagging since then just not shared that with the children.
Please don't think I'm pining over this prat I'm really not.
I guess I'm worried about the job situation in the uk, about my ability to hold down z job and look after four children on my own

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 03-Dec-13 09:15:58

You may not be pining, but you are still allowing your decision of what to do to be largely made up of how best to make him suffer, like he has made you suffer

Vivacia Tue 03-Dec-13 09:18:48

Why isn't he the single parent struggling on benefits or juggling Childcare?

This really makes it sound as though his inconvenience is your main goal. It really, really shouldn't be

mammadiggingdeep Tue 03-Dec-13 09:19:39

It just sounds so unhealthy for you all. Don't you just want a fresh start in 2014?

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 09:19:40

I think it's more about how I don't suffer if honest rather than how he does

mistlethrush Tue 03-Dec-13 09:22:51

It sounds to me as though the job situation is better in the UK at the moment than Oz - and that you wouldn't have the visa issues to worry about.

The other advantage of going now is that you could truthfully say that the visa issues forced you home - and if you want H to return to the UK you could report him when you leave.

You won't have costs associated with schooling to worry about.

The children are still quite young so won't have any problems fitting in at school.

If it was 'his' dream to come to Perth, he's not exactly pulling his finger out to make it work is he?

OddFodd Tue 03-Dec-13 09:24:02

With all due respect Mosman, someone has got to be the adult here. And it's not going to be him so you're going to have to step up to the plate. No, it's not fair that you're left to pick up the pieces, it really, really sucks. Your husband is an utter cock, a pathetic manchild but you can't change that. Your children need someone to parent them properly and that's going to have to be you.

If you can't get a visa, you can't stay. And you absolutely cannot stay illegally and risk having you and your kids thrown out - it would destroy them.

So give yourself a time limit to find another job. And if you haven't found one by then, you will have to come back here. You will cope, your children will cope. You cannot afford to keep wibbling like this and not actually doing anything - you have less than 2 months before they potentially boot you out the country.

Vivacia Tue 03-Dec-13 09:26:07

If it was 'his' dream to come to Perth, he's not exactly pulling his finger out to make it work is he? Oh, god, don't ask that... we'll be back on to him again.

You only have ONE life. Is this how you want to spend it?


MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 03-Dec-13 09:44:18

You can cope with 4 kids, love. You really can. Imagine just how much more headspace will be freed up when you get him out of it. I have been on all your threads pretty much from the beginning of this sorry saga and the prevailing subtext has always been the same.

It is just so sad to see you still there, still attached by this deadly bond of mutual disrespect.

Get him out of the equation, it is killing you and killing your relationship with your kids.

mistlethrush Tue 03-Dec-13 09:48:25

My point was - if it was his 'dream' he would have worked hard to make it work - and that includes being faithful and working together as a family, and getting a job that enabled you to stay legally.
He's made his bed, you need to decide what you want to do for yourself and your children. You can't rely upon him for anything - factor that in and then work out where you want to be in 10, 15 years and how you're going to get there. But don't factor in him doing you any favours or helping out in any way with the children.

BeCool Tue 03-Dec-13 10:06:52

My kids love their Dad too - even though he can be a tosser. It doesn't mean that I have to live with him and suffer his VA & EA. I'm not his verbal punchbag.

My kids don't need to watch him treat me like something he stepped in - and in fact they are much much happier now their relationship is just with him and they don't have to see him treat me like shit. Though I suspect my wise 6yo is slowing starting to see through her Dad and just how crap he is (not doing her reading, sleeping in too much etc when they stay with him) but that is between them now.

Nearly a year since we separated and we are all much much happier living apart. Well apart from XP but he can no longer blame me for that.

Many many women on here will tell you the same thing.

mouseymummy Tue 03-Dec-13 10:49:30

Mos, I have 3. Ds is only 6weeks old. I'm on my own, I am not going to lie. Its fecking relentless but I would not go back.

I was terrified of leaving. All tge thoughts of "how can I cope? Will I have to survive on benefits? Where will I live?" All these things that are going through your head, went through mime.

5 months on, I am happy, my kids are happy and safe, yes, I'm on benefits for now but when the baby is old enough, I will start job hunting and I know it could be even harder to be working and on my own but my god, it'll be bloody worth it.

Your dcs may love their dad but you do not. You are just waiting for him to do something like discussing another ONS... Then what? Will the second time be the final straw? Or will it take him bring someone back and your kids finding her in daddies bed? Moving the latest mug in to the house??

You CAN cope on your own. You can come back yo the uk and survive. You cannot stay there. You are already depressed because of this idiot. You will get better if you get him out of your life.

tummybummer Tue 03-Dec-13 11:15:11

You ARE coping with four kids. Five, actually, if you count him.

Go back to the UK, take your kids, and move on with your life. Oh, and report him before you go and he will be sent back to the UK, where you can get the CSA onto him for child support. You'll manage and it will be fucking hard but worth it in the end.

But stop asking questions and then ignoring the advice of everybody!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 03-Dec-13 11:36:44

Mouseymummy flowers

Vivacia Tue 03-Dec-13 12:10:34

Yep, bravo Mouseymummy

34DD Tue 03-Dec-13 13:05:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

34DD Tue 03-Dec-13 13:09:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 13:49:57

I live you 34DD whoever you are, brilliant :-)

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 13:50:20

Love not live grin

Well, it looks like 34DD has a plan!

He wants to "live the dream" in Australia, he better ensure he has the visa, and the job to enable him to do so, in his own right then!

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 14:30:31

He's on borrowed time ... He knows this ...
I don't want to cut my nose off to spite my face but equally if he isn't working legally he's neither use not ornament.

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 14:30:44

Use nor ornament

MillyRules Tue 03-Dec-13 14:34:46

Does that mean that you have now decided to do what 34DD has said and everything is sorted?

Mosman Tue 03-Dec-13 14:39:22

Ok so I had a job interview today which kind of confirmed there is no way I can stay here without him paying proper child support and I mean a decent chunk - with no tax credits and help with nursery plus school feed for state school the numbers simply don't add up.
So I am looking at the 11th Ddcember as a deadline if he hasn't a proper job by then we are packing and heading home and I will force him to follow.
What he does next I'd entirely up to him isn't it.
I do want to stay here but not at any price.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 14:41:01

I sure you said sometime back that you have the visa and without you he can not work? Is that right or do I have it all wrong. sorry if I do

34DD Tue 03-Dec-13 15:59:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MillyRules Tue 03-Dec-13 16:03:17

You an Aussie 34DD?

Mosman Wed 04-Dec-13 01:08:08

Yes it's my visa and if I phoned DIAC now and told them we'd split up he ought not to be working ... However given that gd is covering the rent and a bit towards food and stuff I'm not going to cut my nose off.
Having slept on it I think it's a bad idea to be in Australia without PR and without any support ... That's just mental do my choices are helping him achieve what we came here to do or go home and not give a shit what he does one way or another.

AuntieVenom Wed 04-Dec-13 06:25:43

Do you have to stay in Perth? If you want to stay in Australia why not look at another city? Adelaide, Sydney, Canberra, Brisbane? You might even find you've got better job prospects.

Blossomflowers Wed 04-Dec-13 08:42:29

Morning mos well morning here anyway. So basically you are saying that you can not stay in Oz without his support because childcare and schooling would be un affordable , bet your DP knows this too and thinks you do not have the balls to leave. If I am right in this then you have no choice but to come back now and dob him in, he will have no choice but to follow, Oh diddums his dream over. NOT your problem. AS I said many posts back you can not go on living with this sad excuse of a man, he will destroy you.

Mosman Wed 04-Dec-13 12:00:47

I wish we'd gone to Sydney tbh but I don't think the kids could face another move, at least if I go to the UK it's the same familiar house and schools etc

Mosman Wed 04-Dec-13 12:02:29

He isn't coming back, he has said today by hook or by crook he is staying, plans to get a 457, will put me on it so I can work part time and that's that until he gets us PR

Just a couple of financial points-the School fees aren't coming into force until Jan 2015, and will be $4k for the first child, $2k thereafter. However 457 fees have rocketed, a couple and 3 DC would now cost $2850.. And that's assuming you haven't illegally overstayed before applying. Do what suits you, not what he wants or what will annoy him most. Good luck...

Mosman Thu 05-Dec-13 00:51:37

I'm not telling him that though otherwise ill be back in the same boat in 2015

No, exactly, just so you know.

Jux Thu 05-Dec-13 17:22:45

But his plans are crap and he doesn't achieve them, so what he is saying is as irrelevant as ever.

Leave Aus. Stick to 11th as your deadline. I am sure you could return in a while without him, and in better fettle, with better prospects, if you wanted to.

Longdistance Thu 05-Dec-13 21:12:15

Mos. Things are picking up here in the Uk.

My dh was given three job offers in one weeks he took the one that he was most keen on. So there is work here if you want it.

As you said earlier, they treat HR as a joke in Oz, I'd say you'd a better chance here.

Mosman Thu 05-Dec-13 23:32:49

I have flights booked for the 26th December, school places sorted and my house is empty.
I'm going back, if he wants to and can get PR for us all before I divorce him then great he can do so from the uk where we have a roof over our heads but lets face it I don't think I'll be returning.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Thu 05-Dec-13 23:34:35

Mos, I am glad you are getting away from him. I think your life will become much clearer without him in it on a daily basis.

You will manage. You rock, and you will be ok.

Mosman Fri 06-Dec-13 00:06:43

Thank you ... I hope you're right because the kids behaviour lately has been appalling, hopefully it'll improve with some stability

AuntieVenom Fri 06-Dec-13 02:48:03

Oh well done! I'm sure you'll have a much better life back in the UK.

treadheavily Fri 06-Dec-13 03:37:55

I think going back is the smartest thing you have done in a long time. Let's face it, your Australian adventure has been a disaster.

Longdistance Fri 06-Dec-13 03:48:43


I'm so glad you're leaving fuckwit there to boil. Your dc will be better off without this wanker exposing them to shit like his latest conquest. What an utterly vile man.

Maybe you can have a bit of Xmas magic when you get back. I never liked Xmas there in the heat, if felt silly and just so wrong.

Have you told the dc yet?

OddFodd Fri 06-Dec-13 10:10:12

I'm so, so pleased to read that Mosman. I think you will all be an awful lot happier. Good for you x

Jux Fri 06-Dec-13 12:42:00

Well done. I think you're doing the right thing. All the best!

mistlethrush Fri 06-Dec-13 12:54:03

I think that you will look back on this decision happily. Good luck with the packing up.

foolonthehill Fri 06-Dec-13 13:32:14

Oh Thank God....

Mos i have 4 children, on my own and a dick-head father for them all.

Life is better without XP in your life and in your head space.
You will make it work, you will have more energy and ...despite the British climate I bet your mood will be on the up!

arfishy Mon 09-Dec-13 09:52:47

Well done on making the decision, it's a tough one. I'm looking forward to hearing how well it's going for you all (minus exH) in the UK.

BeCool Mon 09-Dec-13 12:10:25

Wow fantastic decision making Mosman.

Whatever happens change needed to happen and it can be scary - but you've made a wise choice and I applaud you. Keep focusing on you and the DC and ignore the prats drama.

Does he know? Are you telling him or keeping hush?

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 13:37:21

Well done mosman I think you are very brave. Which part of the UK are you coming back to. I think you said you have a house to come back to, which should make life easier.

cjel Mon 09-Dec-13 19:58:58

How are things today Mosman?

Mosman Mon 09-Dec-13 23:12:56

Oh I don't want go after all this ... Does feel like I have to though

cjel Mon 09-Dec-13 23:15:33

Please do go on, where in the UK are you coming to? anywhere near any of us?x

Mosman Mon 09-Dec-13 23:24:49

I'm going back to the north west .. The tenant in my house has completely trashed it in addition to not paying rent for six months ... I just feel sick at the thought of returning to all that shit and wonder whether I'm actually much better off anyway.

Mosman Mon 09-Dec-13 23:26:11

Financially I think things will be around the same until I go back to work in either country.
And now two of the children are begging to stay.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 23:40:45

Mos, you know you are going to have to sort the UK house at some point

You also knew the dc would be upset at coming back to the Uk

Please love, try to find some peace at finally having made a decision and do everything in your power to make a positive one. It's done now, for better or worse.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 23:41:09

make it a positive one

cjel Tue 10-Dec-13 11:59:59

Mosman, I would try not to pay too much attention to dcs begging. We moved only within England when I was 14 and thought I would die!! I thought I had the worst parents on the planet, but I soon settled and got over it.
As for house it would need doing whether they had been careful with it or not, you would have wanted to make it 'yours' again.
There are work opportunities here now and you will not have the constant pressure of living with a person who you clearly waste so much of you emotions on.
I think that its sooo normal for you to be having doubts, any life change is daunting and yours seems so extreme and you have pressures from H and dcs which isn't helping.

Stay focused and strong on the new happy future you can buuild for yourself with no hindrence from H.xx

NotALondoner Tue 10-Dec-13 12:24:38

Where is your mil? Did she stat in the UK in the end?

Mosman Tue 10-Dec-13 14:31:22

Well just when I thought it couldn't get any worse. It kicked off again tonight ... Again I asked him to leave and he wouldn't so I pushed him - wrong I know - anyway DC 3 starts screaming if he's leaving she's going too, always does this so I said fucking take her - DC2 hears this and announces she's going with her sister. At this point I fucking lost it completely and said if they want to go with him then go.
So they did.
He's taken them to a hotel room tonight.

Mosman Tue 10-Dec-13 14:32:26

And he has their passports. Still no fucking visa though.

Jux Tue 10-Dec-13 16:11:42

Oh boy, what a nightmare. But without a visa they'll all have to leave when you do anyway, won't they?

cjel Tue 10-Dec-13 16:44:41

try to stay calm, they are young and he seems exciting at the moment.They will all calm down, and if you have visas they will be with youx How are you and other dc doing?x

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 10-Dec-13 19:15:14

The sooner you are out of there, the better. This is so unhealthy. What was the point of you screaming at him to leave when you are going back to the UK in a couple of weeks ?

Mosman Wed 11-Dec-13 00:36:13

We are not great, I'm ok but you can imagine. He's told the girls I said I didn't want them, they are furious with me. I don't know how to play this ?

34DD Wed 11-Dec-13 07:57:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistlethrush Wed 11-Dec-13 08:30:56

You've got to be truthful to the girls and tell them that you didn't say that at all and that you love them a lot and want to make a safe and secure future for you all together, in a country that you are legally allowed to stay in and where you won't be suddenly put on a plane without being able to plan the move properly.

And you've got to be truthful about you and H in that you don't love each other any more and that that means you won't be staying together whatever country you live in.

cjel Wed 11-Dec-13 14:36:07

I'm not sure what ages they are to how much you tell them, but I'd try and be honest and say that you love them more than anything and that your heart is broken at having to make these decisions and you have thought about it long and hard and this is the only way to make a secure life for them, Tell them you are not secure there because of the visa situation and that this is the only way.

RandomMess Wed 11-Dec-13 18:09:37

I think you just have to be honest, you don't have a job that makes it possible to stay and even if you did as your ~STBX doesn't have a job and can't pay towards anything then you can't afford to stay! You can't eat thin air.

Jux Wed 11-Dec-13 19:23:13

You can't play that one nicely. The girls have to know that it is not true. Have to. You must tell them. It might impact on his relationship with them, but you cannot leave it. You MUST tell them, calmly and very very clearly. On this occasion, the most important thing is that they know that it is simply not true. You'll have to do a lot of reassuring anyway.

What an arse. How could any loving parent say that?

MerryFuckingChristmas Wed 11-Dec-13 21:37:07

This behaviour of his is why you are leaving him. I am not sure why you are thrown by it at this late stage.

Tell them a child friendly version of the truth. Is there something wrong with that ?

(this is mist, btw, namechanged)

cjel Thu 12-Dec-13 08:39:23

Morning. How are things today?

Mosman Thu 12-Dec-13 08:44:52

All calm on the western front ... He still has their passports though and still doesn't have a proper job.

BeCool Thu 12-Dec-13 09:52:51

Do you have a plan to get the passports?
Keep focusing on what life will be like without all his drama and crap!! This moment is just around the corner.

You're doing great under very tough circumstances - stay focused, eye on the ball, keep calm, and breathe.

MerryFuckingChristmas Thu 12-Dec-13 19:51:56

Why does he have their passports and why do you keep commenting on it ? What do you mean he "has" them ? He carries them around in his pocket, he has them in a locked safe, he has hidden them from you in your own home ? What ? Is this going to be a last minute can't go for your flights because he has the passports ? Don't you think you need to sort that out now, today ?

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 03:35:25

He stole the passports and yes has them on his person.
I have no chance of replacing them before the 26th from Australia. None

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 03:37:14

And this morni g decided the kids needed reminding I threw them out - I threw him out and he took them - but they needed reminding. What a cunt

comingintomyown Fri 13-Dec-13 03:55:13

Oh dear what are you going to do ?

I haven't picked up how old your DDs are can you have a tailored adult conversation about why you are leaving for the UK ?

When are the flights booked for ?

Polynomial Fri 13-Dec-13 06:46:27

I'm sorry to say but its time to go to the police and say that he is witholding (has stolen) the passports, and that you and your DCs have to leave as your visa is running out.

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 06:59:42

I've been to the police they won't do a damn thing ... He is their father he is as entitled to have those passports as I am.

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 07:01:34

Sorry I should say the police came to me as the neighbours called them due to all the shouting and hulla bulloo going on.
Utterly useless ... Considered charging me as I'd pulled my daughter out of the car and I had assaulted her apparently that's how fucked up this whole thing is

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 07:03:20

The DCs are 13, 11, 9 and 3 they just want the fighting to stop understandably ... He thinks he's going to move out, get a place and then take the kids to live with him.

mistlethrush Fri 13-Dec-13 07:32:08

But he (and therefore the children) will still be there illegally and therefore liable to be shipped off home with little warning...

MissScatterbrain Fri 13-Dec-13 07:45:45

Can't you call immigration or the British embassy to explain that he has the passports?

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 07:50:48

They are hardly going to chase him though ... He's not a master criminal, we've not had visas for about five months before and nobody was bothered. I think you expect that you would be deported the day after the visa runs out but the truth is people live for years unchecked ... Probably in the UK too

mammadiggingdeep Fri 13-Dec-13 07:55:59

He is a dickhead of the highest order. Could you talk to somebody close to him to talk some sense into him? Even his family must see that stealing the passports is a stupid thing to do?

MissScatterbrain Fri 13-Dec-13 08:22:24

Well no harm in trying it though. You need to do everything you can to get these back - its a really fucked up situation and your DC are being harmed by it so getting out has got to be your priority.

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 08:29:16

His family couldn't give a shit tbh. His mum thinks the right thing to do is stay in Australia because he won't get work in the uk - even if that means she never sees him again. His dad is worse than him - the apple never falls far from the tree I guess - he has no friends just his online fucks who have no doubt been spun a load of shit.
Nobody is going to agree with me and he think I am actually mental and trying to ruin his and the children's lives by running off back to the uk when the going gets tough.
I'm starting to doubt myself

mistlethrush Fri 13-Dec-13 08:35:18

Mosman - of course he thinks its all your fault - otherwise he would have to face up to the fact that he has failed to make his 'dream' work.

Jux Fri 13-Dec-13 08:42:09

Phone the Embassy about the passports. I'm pretty sure They are able to replace passports very quickly, or give temporary passports etc.

What are you saying to the children about what's going on, why you want to leave, what is happening between you and h? The two older ones are old enough to look at things logically and will undoubtedly influence the younger two. If they understand what's going on - why you are doing things - they are less likely to be influenced by h. For instance, if you tell them that you never said you didn't want them and you love them to distraction, they might ask why their dad told them that you didn't. Then you can explain that he is trying to hurt you and he knows that losing them will hurt you more than anything else in the world.

I know that generally children are protected from the harsh realities of life, but sometimes you have to open their eyes simply in order to protect them.

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 09:02:03

Maybe he's right maybe I do have toot high expectations and should move out of the city and make a go of it.
I know if I get on that plane there will be bugger all support from any direction and kids that blame me for everything.

mistlethrush Fri 13-Dec-13 09:03:49

What support have you got where you are? Apart from DH undermining you of course

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 09:04:23

Half my message went missing ....
He had said to the kids that I have ideas above my station and if we'd moved to joondalup or something cheaper then all would be ok we could afford to stay in Perth.
I wanted the best schools - they came from good schools and an easy commute given I have four kids to get off to school before work of a morning.
Maybe I should move somewhere cheaper, get an au pair and give myself a slap ?

mistlethrush Fri 13-Dec-13 09:14:26

No, he hasn't got the job he needs for you to be there legally. Its HIS FAULT that its all going pear shaped. Its not your fault - you got him to his 'dream' location and set it all up for him and he's not only failed to do what he needed to sort your status out, he's split the family unit up by being unfaithful and is rubbing your nose in it. And he doesn't have the decency to be truthful to your children.

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 11:53:23

I know that ... All I get out if the kids is "he's doing his best" and from him that I should get a fucking job and a visa

mistlethrush Fri 13-Dec-13 13:14:56

His best is not good enough and if 'his best' for the family means fucking off (literally) then he's clearly illustrating the point very clearly.

I think that you need to have a talk with both of your two older daughters and be very honest with them:
> this was their father's plan
> he's not found a job that will enable you to stay
> you had the job originally, but the job market in Australia means that it is really difficult to get another well-paid job in your field that would allow you to run the household
> you love your daughters very much and don't want them to be in the middle of this fighting or in a bad situation;
> you want to go somewhere where you know that you can make a successful, safe, happy future for all of you, where you are legal residents.
> whilst its colder in the UK and they'll have less swimming, at least they will be in a good school where they will be able to pick up old friendships and make new ones without having to either move location because its too expensive or get deported.

lizzzyyliveson Fri 13-Dec-13 15:22:01

What will the legal position be for your girls if they do end up getting deported? Will it end their chances of emigrating legally when they are adults themselves or is it just a minor blip?

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 15:59:21

I wouldn't allow it to come to that, but no I would be banned for three years - no biggie - they would be fine.

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 16:00:20

I know everyone is right, it's midnight here and I'm wide awake, stressed out and he's at some tarts no doubt fucking her having a ball.
Not a care in the world.

Jux Fri 13-Dec-13 18:33:55

What are your thoughts on being completely honest with your two eldest? (You can also ask them to help you in getting the younger two to understand.)

Whatever, you can't just do nothing. Your children are being manipulated by this sad excuse for a man, and therefore damaged.

Mosman Fri 13-Dec-13 23:18:11

I have been completely honest ... All along and maybe that was a mistake because now he's being completely honest too and saying if mummy gig a job we could stay .... And that's not untrue.
It's a nightmare but it is true.

mistlethrush Sat 14-Dec-13 08:50:37

But the thing is that you can't get a decent job over there now - there just aren't the jobs in your sector available - whereas you will be able to find something in the UK as things are getting better. It was HIS dream to take your family out and he's not found the job to keep you there so he can't put it on you. IF DADDY WANTED US TO STAY HERE HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE RIGHT JOB SO WE COULD STAY.

Mosman Sat 14-Dec-13 14:39:35

I just sound like a bitch when I say that .... And I have believe me, the more I appear to be slagging him off the more they feel sorry for him and cling to him ... He says I am showing my true colours and the kids see me for what I am .. You know a mum trying to insist on a decent life for my kids ... Grrrr I cannot wait to get away from him but am so worried I'll lose my girls in the process mentally if not physically. He's painting himself as a victim which is just ridiculous

mistlethrush Sat 14-Dec-13 18:30:29

OK... lets look at this the other way.

If they stay with their father in Australia, what will their life be like if you and your two youngest children go back to the UK?

I know that this is not what you want. However, would it be practicable? Would their father be able to look after them? What would happen about schooling?

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 14-Dec-13 18:38:44

He's screwing you over anyway. Come January he is going to be perfectly happy to trot along illegally by the sounds of it and that would completely screw your children.
Your life will be easier without him as once you have the initial headache sorted it will stay sorted no him to constantly move goal posts and screw up the finances time after time. Your life would be easier with just the kids to deal with because I bet if you looked at cold hard facts he's a bigger nightmare to deal with and causes you more stress and sleepless nights than the kids do.

If the kids kick off tell them straight you aren't going to risk their future on an illegal act (staying illegally). Look up the penalty for staying without a visa. Last time I did it was a 10 year ban or something similar, if they knew that they might not be able to return to see friends for a vary long time it may help put things in perspective for them. The kids are clinging to him as they just don't want to lose the lifestyle they have become accustomed to.

Mosman Sun 15-Dec-13 00:25:27

If I went home it would be to provide more security for the kids .... Defeats the object if I leave them with him making it more likely that he will fail.
There is a three year van I believe now if you're caught without a visa but lets face it they've bigger fish to fry than dickhead minding his own business, paying tax and living in the golden triangle of Perth

Mosman Sun 15-Dec-13 00:26:08

If we go home they'll never see their aussie friends again let's face it

Mosman Sun 15-Dec-13 00:26:32

And probably their father once a year if we are lucky

aaaaaaa Sun 15-Dec-13 07:35:13

Are the children back with you now?

mistlethrush Sun 15-Dec-13 08:10:09

OK... so the only other opportunity is for you to get a job and stay there being able to solely support you and your children. Where do you need to move to to get a job? Stuff DH and his job - that's not got you the right to stay there. He's told your DDs that YOU have to get a job - but that doesn't have to be in Perth. What's keeping you in Perth?

Mosman Sun 15-Dec-13 08:27:51

Told him he's not tied to Perth and needs to widen his net ... The thing is though if he's in Sydney I might as well be in the uk a five hour flight away he's still neither use not ornament to any of us.
Why can't he just get hit by a truck and get me life insurance pay out grin

Mosman Sun 15-Dec-13 08:30:18

If the kids have to move from Perth to say Sydney it's like moving to Italy from the uk, different education system, different years in school and it would cost the same as relocating from the uk to ship anything over, I can't face it with the kids, have considered doing it on my own. But then that relies of fuckwit doing a decent job

RandomMess Sun 15-Dec-13 08:42:35

Hopefully your dc understand that staying in Perth is not going to happen? You have pointed that out to them that neither of you can get a job in Perth and therefore you are not staying in Perth so it's either the UK or Sydney (or similar) and you are more financially secure in the UK?

If the eldest 2 stay behind how long before he ends up shipping them back anyway because they would interfere with his social shagging? I think he's holding them to ransom to make you stay because he likes his life the way it is now.

Mosman Sun 15-Dec-13 09:27:16

Oh he does the only "reason" he can give for wanting to stay I. Perth is the weather - 42 degrees today, can't go outside its so hot - and that's why we are to be subjected to this shit for a bit of sunshine

RandomMess Sun 15-Dec-13 09:29:58

Well you can't live off sunshine can you! He can say what he llikes though can't he because he has firmly cast you in the villin role.

Mosman Sun 15-Dec-13 10:18:07

Lol I know ... And this may take years to repair no matter what happens

arfishy Sun 15-Dec-13 20:44:51

Are you applying for jobs? What do you do when they ask about your visa status? As soon as people hear my (UK) accent I'm asked about my visa whenever I'm talking with people about jobs.

SconeForAStroll Sun 15-Dec-13 21:32:42

Mos, my dc keep in touch in what their Aussie friends via message and FaceTime. It isn't the same obviously, but they seem happy enough with it.

My dh is still in Perth. He says it feels like it is on a slide into recession - laying people off right left and centre.

I think you have to dob him in, I know you think that immigration might not be worried, but given he would almost certainly do the reverse to you, it is worth an ask. I can confidentially ask some of my friends over there for advice if you like.

Mosman Mon 16-Dec-13 00:38:13

You see he wouldn't do the reverse to me .., he's putting me in his pr application ... DC2 is adamant she is staying, DC3 wants to be with daddy where ever that is ... So it seems I'm back to square one bailing his arse out

Lweji Mon 16-Dec-13 01:47:31

That he's putting you on his application is neither here nor there. It's him trying to keep it together, despite his previous behaviour. You know, cake and eat it.

The most important thing he hasn't done to you.

You may need to be tough on the children. Will they really want to stay with dad? And will he actually want to have them 100%, if you were to move? hmm

Mosman Mon 16-Dec-13 01:55:19

He knows I wouldn't leave them ... I've explained again last night to the DC's the situation.
ITs the timing that's the problem Christmas here basically everything shuts down so he hadn't a prayer of sorting this all out by then.
What i then don't want to do us pack up, go home start new schools and then two weeks later get a phone to say he's sorted it all out, has a job and will we come back.

Lweji Mon 16-Dec-13 02:00:34

Would you go back?

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts Mon 16-Dec-13 02:08:05

surely the children will have a serious impact on him dicking around if he were to think of having them on his own

god, i hope things look up for you soon

Mosman Mon 16-Dec-13 02:08:55

Without the girls ? I think that would be too damaging to ever get over tbh. My mum had to flee domestic violence from USA and took one child, left two having already left me in the UK in the first place. I always swore my kids would grow up together.
I feel it's all of nothing ... Including him tbh

Mosman Mon 16-Dec-13 02:10:48

I would let him have the kids full time and move out though, fuck it why should I struggle financially and that've the child support held over me all the time.
Am giving that some serious thought.

Lweji Mon 16-Dec-13 07:52:54

I meant if you got to the uk and he said he had a job in Oz. Would you go back again with the children? Or stay in the UK?

I suspect that faced with the prospect of being left alone with the two girls, he'll back track very very fast.

In any case, the visa is running out. He doesn't have one, so you have to return to the UK and the girls do not have much to say about it. Immigration would not be pleased, I guess.
You arrange things to leave as you'd normally. He's an adult, he can go too or stay.

Have you had legal advice? (sorry if it was mentioned upthread)

Mosman Mon 16-Dec-13 09:20:03

I have had legal advice ... He can stop the girls leaving until 25th January ... The trouble is school in the uk starts 6th January and I have places in their old schools which I never in my wildest dreams thought we'd get back into.
That said they gave places in brilliant schools in WA well by WA standards any way. They could be happy here or it could turn to complete shit and we end up back in the uk anyway without the school places.
He will not accept this.

Mosman Mon 16-Dec-13 09:21:05

I have a job interview tomorrow in Perth so I could save our arses again but I just have this feeling I'll be back to square one in six months time.

aaaaaaa Mon 16-Dec-13 09:58:56

You must be feeling extremely stressed. Don't you just want to get far away from him for some peace?

Lweji Mon 16-Dec-13 11:21:18

For the sake of 19 days, it might be worth pushing to leave with them. And he may well not try to keep them there, as it would be pointless for a few days.
Why not arrange to leave and see what he does, instead of guessing or fearing his reaction?

Buildingamystery Mon 16-Dec-13 20:00:51

What about the flights you have booked for a week's time? That must be thousands you have shelled put. Csn you really afford to lose that?

arfishy Mon 16-Dec-13 23:23:24

Will they sponsor or haven't you mentioned the visa yet?

Is it permanent or contract? If contract you could use a company like CXC to handle your pay and then claim back the school fees/computers/any flights etc which would help you financially. I guess it's perm though if you're looking at a visa. Frustrating. Any idea if they offer salary sacrifice/FBT?

On a 457 you can literally save thousands if you have the correct advice - I learned this the hard way, nobody tells you. I'm on my sixth 457, I have been juggling them since 2005. I took a job with a company who offered me sponsorship (which they reneged on, job cuts meant they couldn't convert me to perm and sponsor) but they wouldn't do salary sacrifice, cost me tens of thousands - I could have claimed back school and MBA fees. I had to take the hit to get the sponsorship which then never materialised.

Mosman Tue 17-Dec-13 01:10:21

No they will sponsor so that's something another 457 ... Buys me time whilst he sorts out pr.
The flights were paid for by my last employer and I'll just move them to the summer if I don't get on them, money isn't going to be wasted ... It's all about if I can hold my nerve and is it even the right thing to do.
It's now or never for returning home tbh, I cannot mess the kids around any more.

Mosman Tue 17-Dec-13 01:11:55

It'll be permanent though and I don't think I will be valued highly enough for them to do salary sacrifice at this stage ... I'd rather have the security of PR I think than him on a 457 ... The last thing I want is me on a 457 but it looks like that's what has to happen.

arfishy Tue 17-Dec-13 01:17:44

You've done amazingly well finding a job with sponsorship, especially at this time of year. I'm really impressed. Good Luck with the interview.

arfishy Tue 17-Dec-13 01:20:43

The four year 457 will give you the time to get the PR through - or after two years you can apply for fast tracked PR through your employer.

I guess once you get in you can find out about salary sacrifice via their intranet if they have HR online. If they think highly enough of you to sponsor, which is a pain in the arse, then they might think highly enough of you to handle the 457 salary sacrifice too.

Mosman Tue 17-Dec-13 01:27:08

The thing is I'm good lol my CV is great.
I've told dickhead if I get this job he is staying home with our kids whilst he secures PR and finds a proper job not any old job a real one and if that doesn't happen he's out on his arse. He wanted the fucking sunshine ... Hope it keeps him warm on the park bence he'll be sleeping on.

arfishy Tue 17-Dec-13 01:48:27

Is he going to try to get a Skilled Independent visa? I tried that one and it was a massive pain in the arse. I had to put together intricate details of the work I'd done for the last 12 years and have it vetted by the Australian Computer Society who declared I was an xyz (which I'm not)instead of an xyy and xyz wasn't on the suitable occupation list. It meant that my only chance was to move somewhere obscure for 2 years and wait to see if I got invited to apply via the regional sponsorship scheme. Nightmare. It took me months to put the paperwork together.

Mosman Tue 17-Dec-13 02:44:49

He's going for regional ... Could still take bloody years

arfishy Tue 17-Dec-13 03:29:23

God I don't envy you that. The paperwork to get assessed is horrendous.

Mosman Tue 17-Dec-13 04:13:09

And all the certificates have time limits on then do you get the health checks run out whilst waiting got the police checks.
I just don't believe he has it In him to sort it out and I am not paying $6,000 for an agent to do it

arfishy Tue 17-Dec-13 04:26:00

God yes - I had to get references from the UK, Holland, Australia all certified, headed paper, written in a really specific way it took weeks and weeks - the first time they changed the rules after I'd spent weeks collating the paperwork and I had to start all over again. God it was grim. I hope VETASSESS isn't as bad as the ACS.

At least he doesn't need to do the IELTS but you're right, the timing is a nightmare and once you've been assessed you have to sit back and wait to see if you get invited to even apply.

Just thinking about it again is making me want to sit in a corner and weep.

Mosman Tue 17-Dec-13 05:06:10

He did have to do the English test for the points as he's old lol
The thing is he's been told he'll get PR but none of his ex employers are being forthcoming with refs and org charts etc.
I'm not convinced at all

Mosman Wed 18-Dec-13 03:19:48

It seems to me the lesser risk is to get that flight, go home and give him another month to get his act together. If he's all sorted by 4th Feb I could come back and be in time for the girls to start the Aussie school term and if not then I'll know I made the right decision .... Dies that sound sensible ?

arfishy Wed 18-Dec-13 03:45:51

Hmm. Having gone through only part of the process and found it incredibly difficult I can see that there's a high chance he'll stuff it up or not do it/leave it too long.

If you want to bring the girls up in Australia and close to their father then you still have a chance with your own 457 with a hope that you can get your employer to sponsor you for PR after 2 years.

My freshly minted 457 took ages to come through though - we applied in Feb using a corporate migration agent and it came through in July. So in theory you'll need a bridging visa from Jan anyway, which is a pain and more $$$.

If you do go back to the UK you might have to wait a year before he gets the paperwork done and the processing time is completed plus you'll have to pay for another set of flights.

From your OP everything points towards staying in Perth - you say it's better for the children, they'll see their dad, you're more likely to get him to pay, plus if you're here you can nag him about the paperwork.

Do you enjoy living here? Do the children? What would be better if you went back home?

Mosman Wed 18-Dec-13 05:50:48

I do like it here, the kids are generally settled, I'm seeing somebody it could be great if the uncertainty was removed.

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