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dh just packed and left.

(46 Posts)
enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:11:57

I'm afraid I will end up drip feeding. I can't type out everything in one go' because I'm afraid I might cry.

I think it's just the death of a 1000 cuts. I just lost it today in the car and told him, I'm done. Straw the broke the camel's back- I asked about getting DM to babysit and going out. He said we have no money, which is true, fair enough. A week or 2 later he is going to poker with his mates. OK. Not too bad as they only put a fiver in the pot and take beers. Then suddenly it is, we are going around town later. Had an arguement about it and I assumed he was just going to the poker. Today is the day, and he is off out, but not before he has tried to twist it and say, I did think we had no money, and I did ask you if you wanted to go out then after the argument. (To me, this was just because he realised he had to, because he wanted to go out with his friends)

Went out to a private clinic today, with youngest dcs about something that I have been panicking about for weeks, months, years. Dc's didn't cry, but I did. Doctor ended up hugging me. Dh was sat in the waiting room with other dc's. We was told to wait for 10 mins, before we leave after the procedure and what does dh do? Goes outside leaving me on my own with dc's while he makes arrangements for his night out tonight.

I had to explain to him why I was angry, and besides that, I had to ask a complete stranger in the waiting room to watch the dc's becasuse my D's wanted the toilet.

I'm fed up of being his moral compass, which I told him. It's exhausting always having to explain everything from my point of view.

He went upstairs and when he got down, he had a bag packed. He said goodbye, and I said for good? And he nodded. So I said OK and as he left my bitch came out and I said have fun, and then shut the door.

I don't know if this is it or not. If I even want it to be. I don't want this life but I'm not sure the other is going to be better. I'm dreading telling dcs. What a mess.

I've spent a long long time, tooing and growing between leaving and staying. I am the worlds best circular arguer, in my own head, I rumunciate and procrastinate to the point that it drives me mad.

Some perspectives from you lovely lot might help, but please be gentle. I'm not in a good place right now.

Morgause Sat 30-Nov-13 18:16:02

You can at least plan a future for yourself and the DCs now without him letting you down.

Small steps. Good luck.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:23:06

Thanks morgause

I've given the dcs jam sandwiches for dinner, and I'm having a liquid dinner- does that count as small steps?

The bastard took a cigar out with him as well, as though it was celebratory. angry

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:26:39

Oh god, the Christmas tree goes up tomorrow. This is the most shit timing ever.

cjel Sat 30-Nov-13 18:31:50

Tiny steps. keep breathing, Liquid tea ok as long as no booze if you have dcs? You will no longer have to be the moral compass and at least you know it is up to you to do things. Spoil yourself to death and do what ever you want to. Put films on and sit under the duvet eating chocolate. Treat yourself just as you would advise a friend to.

LEMisafucker Sat 30-Nov-13 18:32:27

Was it you that had the procedure at the clinic? He is well out of order and no, i doubt it is "for good" he is being a fucking arsehole and trying to fuck with your head. He will probably stay at a friends (or somewhere elese hmm) let you sweat it out and come back expecting you to beg him to come home - surprise him, he is a selfish cunt

Effic Sat 30-Nov-13 18:33:54

Small steps ..... You don't need to make any decisions now. Your emotions will be all over the place so don't start making any dramatic decisions and just live with it for a few days first. Tell children that you have had a bit of a row and that he has gone to stay with whoever for a while. Change the frigging locks though if he has a key because you need to have the decision making power. Other than that just get through the days and see where you emotions take you. You will convince yourself it wasn't as bad as you think and at other times you will be as mad as hellfire and never want him to darken your doors and then you'll panic about money/looking after children and then the guilt will set in about the children and round you will go. Any decisions made in those circumstances will poor ones so simply - don't make any until you have had some time and perspective. If you are meant to be - your relationship will survive even this, if not well he's not in the house so that is step 1.

notapizzaeater Sat 30-Nov-13 18:35:47

Put theatre up tomorrow and remember it as being the start of our new life without his baggage

ImperialBlether Sat 30-Nov-13 18:36:38

You know what? He's laughing now but when he realises he's got no home, has to book to see the children and has to deal with them on his own, has to give you child support, is on his own for Christmas and so on, he'll be crying and moaning and whining about his hard life.

He sounds to me as though he's meeting a woman, tbh. I don't want you to feel worse, but it seemed as though he had somewhere to sleep tonight. What a prize idiot.

Stay strong, OP. This is who he truly is.

RedLondonBus Sat 30-Nov-13 18:40:55

How is that for good? If won't be, it's so he can have a good night out tonight, and justify it (where is he sleeping tonight?)

Then tomorrow he will start his patter.... You'll get the calls and texts

Do you have a joint account? I think you need to move the money from it

Lweji Sat 30-Nov-13 18:47:16

You did really well, actually.

Either he was expecting you to beg him to stay, and you didn't.

Or he is going to someone else, in which case good riddance.

You haven't lost much. He wasn't there for you or the children anyway.

Go on, have some food, even if biscuits and have a rest.

Whatever happens, do not ask him to go back. If he wants to go back and you are prepared to accept him back, then you should have very clear boundaries and expectations of him.

Lweji Sat 30-Nov-13 18:47:48

And, yes, mind any joint money.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:47:51

No, 3 dcs lem it's not a serious thing in itself, it's just the possibility of side effects. It's not serious at all, perhaps calling it a procedure was too clinical, but don't want to out myself too much by saying the correct thing.

We live away from our home town imperial so he always stays out at a friends or more usually his dms. So that's not worrying me, plus I overheard him on the phone talking to one friend saying x has offered for me to stay there.

We fell out Tues because I wanted to go to a time trial for my sport ( I've been 2 times since middle of October) and he wanted to stay over in an hotel because the commute was 1 and half hours. He has ignored me since, until I once again, broke the silence this morning. Sick of it. I have no life.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sat 30-Nov-13 18:48:32

I would have done the same as you today. I hope you are ok.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:50:18

No, no joint account. I'm sahm and not married. Put dh to not out me, but it will be relevant to the thread. <hopes no one recognises me>

House in his name only, because I have bad credit record.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:51:33

And I'm sorry cjel but I've had 2.

Kyrptonite Sat 30-Nov-13 18:52:05

hmm Hope you're ok OP. He sounds like a twunt. Do you rent/own? Whose name is the house in? Can you access any joint money? Sorry I know its a bit soon but whilst you're in the frame of mind that he's an arse it's best to make sure you're covered before he tries winning you over with talk--ing crap--

Kyrptonite Sat 30-Nov-13 18:52:42

Oh just saw last post.

Do you have any of your own money?

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 18:53:54

Brilliant advice from Effic above about decisions made now will be bad ones. Write down plan(s) of action and leave it there for now. I think you've done just the right thing. Let him go and don't beg for him to stay.

Due to your marital and financial situation I think you need legal advice as soon as possible. Is he the legal father of your children?

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:56:37

No, no money. He doesn't have much either.

Yes the dcs are is. Been together over 10 years.

cjel Sat 30-Nov-13 18:56:51

brew then grin!!! Just look after yourself don't make yourself ill as he will probably come back sometime tomorrow and you want to be able to think straight and getting drunk won't help!!!x

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 18:58:05

effic he works away a lot. I will just say he is at work, they are pre schoolers.

Ebayaholic Sat 30-Nov-13 19:03:24

It does sound a bit like he doesn't want any family responsibilities and if that's the case, you're better off on your own, at least then you can't be let down. Calm down and use this time for reflection. See how he behaves now, this will tell you everything you need to know. I'm so sorry for you

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 30-Nov-13 19:04:30

He'll be back. Ive had the same thing happen in the past, funnily enough it was a poker night aswell, and funnily enough its poker night tonight for DH and his mates and this is probably the firsr time we havent argued before fucking poker

Sleep on it, your mind will be more clear im the morning to make choices about what you want.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 30-Nov-13 19:07:45

He doesn't think you're very intelligent, does he? Cooking up a fight so that he can flounce off and stay out all night has to be the oldest trick in the book. I would be calling a locksmith and getting a few fresh bolts put on the doors quite honestly. 'Big man' flouncing out.... not such a big man when he has to plead to be let back in..... smile

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:09:45

Do you know what I really want? A big crystal ball, that tells me that staying works out the best, or leaving works out the best. <don't we all>

Just did the biggest sigh ever and put my head in my hands.

I just feel like I've made so many wrong choices and it's the big 40 next year and I've wasted my life so far.

I'm aware that this seems melodramatic. Mid life crisis????

cjel Sat 30-Nov-13 19:12:04

I'm sure you haven't wasted your life so far but if you feel you have , use that to spurr you on to not wasting another day. I was 52 and had been with my H 35 years when I left, Thats wasting!!!!!

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:13:59

cog maybe some truth in that. When I expressed my annoyance that he could find the money to go out with his mates (credit card), he said, do you not want me to go then? I said, I'm not going to tell you what to do, you are a grown man <oxymoron > and you should know the right thing to do.

But he still went.

Golddigger Sat 30-Nov-13 19:15:49

Have either of you walked out on the other before?

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:22:29

Yes gold digger I threw him out 7 years ago when I found him texting someone else. I begged then blush but he was adamant he wanted out, I tried to turn it into a break and after 10 days, saw the error of my ways and ended it. That was a Thursday, by the Sunday, he had moved back in.

He was young (younger than me as well) and was using her as a reason to move on. I spoke to her months later when I realised the dates on his bill didn't match the story. She says it was one date. No reason to disbelieve her.

I'm not the same person now. I don't cry much anymore, he and eldest DC joke I have a cold heart.

Is it any wonder. hmm

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:25:02

By that, I mean, he panicked that I had ended it and had a change of heart himself.

He broke my heart then, my ex broke it 5 years previously, I don't think it can be broke again.

I think I have kept him at arms length every since.

Golddigger Sat 30-Nov-13 19:29:38

sad [hugs]
It is up to you what you do about it all.
I sort of wonder whether it is all a big tiff. But I am only someone posting on a keyboard. Very hard to assess much being a stranger on a keyboard.

toffeesponge Sat 30-Nov-13 19:32:01

Don't forget to double lock the door..

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:33:32

Yes gold digger I threw him out 7 years ago when I found him texting someone else. I begged then blush but he was adamant he wanted out, I tried to turn it into a break and after 10 days, saw the error of my ways and ended it. That was a Thursday, by the Sunday, he had moved back in.

He was young (younger than me as well) and was using her as a reason to move on. I spoke to her months later when I realised the dates on his bill didn't match the story. She says it was one date. No reason to disbelieve her.

I'm not the same person now. I don't cry much anymore, he and eldest DC joke I have a cold heart.

Is it any wonder. hmm

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:34:25

Sorry dcs got my iPad!

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 19:43:23

toffee he won't be back. It would be about £40/50 in a taxi and he can't drive if he's drinking.

AnandaTimeIn Sat 30-Nov-13 20:19:47

5 years, 7 years...

You don't need a man to make you feel better....

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 20:42:18

Ananda it's actually over 20 years for my 2 only relationships combined. And both have made me unhappy.

On a plus though, I've just realised that when he packed his bag, he took all his clothes from the ironing pile.

Silver lining and all that.........

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 21:15:55

Have you thought what to do when he returns tomorrow?

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 21:25:50

No. I'm not sure he will. He isn't a push over and he is someone with dignity.

I will be surprised if he comes back tomorrow.

He only took one bag and his work tools are here, so he has to come back eventually. I think he has just taken the ones he needs for now.

I'm not sure what I want or I'll say. I usually play most things by ear.

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 21:35:50

I'd go with calm dignity. Always dignity, dignity, dignity.

I do think you need legal advice about the house as you say it's all in his name and you're not married.

enlightenmequick Sat 30-Nov-13 21:44:32

Thanks viv I'm not one to scream, throw things, or destroy his stuff.

Besides, I'm not mad enough. I'm not even mad at all. Numb, indifferent, resigned, fed up, scared, would be more of a description.

Going for an early night, as I don't sleep well at the best of times, and think I'm going to have a terrible nights sleep.

I've eaten half a packet of nuts too.

Vivacia Sat 30-Nov-13 21:53:26

Good night enlightmequick

cjel Sat 30-Nov-13 22:16:30

Have a good night. it may help to have a think tomorrow what you may like your life to be and not leave all the control to others. I may be a cause of your anxiety.

Also don't nuts have a soporific effect?xx

not many words but hand holding.
x

MeMySonAndI Sat 30-Nov-13 23:16:04

Hey, I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason. I don't know if he will come back tomorrow, but if he does and he starts talking to you, just listen. Not talking during a conversation it's the best tool to find what exactly the other person is thinking.

As Effic says, this is not the time to make decisions, however this is not either the time to let yourself break into pieces. Cry tonight but don't let yourself go. The children need you in one piece.

If he doesn't return, there is a little bit of a silver lining there, as the longer people stay together after a decision has been made, the more difficult and painful the situation becomes for you and your children.

I found that when my ex and I split, routine kept me sane, and it only took a few days, very few days, for me to realise that I was already on my own even when I was married. The only thing that changed after he moved out was that I had much less work to do and I was far more relaxed at the end of the day. I also realised that taking care of DS on my own was much easier than nagging exh to help and then have to do everything myself anyway.

Having said that, you need to have some control over the situation and for that you need to know where you are. And that control comes with taking action over the financial matters. I'm afraid that not being married and not working, there is not much of a hurry to start spending money in solicitors. What you need to do is make a bee line to the job center/CAB and find out how you can apply for support to keep you and the children afloat during this difficult time.

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