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First time sex with new man....hugely nervous....

(53 Posts)
frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 13:05:18

I have been dating someone for the last couple of months, all seems to be going well, and physically we are now at a point where sex is on the cards.

I find him incredibly attractive - not just physically but mentally as well, he engage and excites my brain (if that doesn't sound weird!), and I very much want to sleep with him.


I feel, for once, so nervous. About the sex, about my body. This has never worried me before, I've never had pre-sex nerves. I've had ONS without any regret. I'm not the most confident person about my body generally but somehow in bed I've never been that worried til now. It's weird feeling like this, any words of advice?

Theoldhag Sat 30-Nov-13 13:18:16

May I ask why you feel anxious about your body?

I think that what you are experiencing emotionally is very natural, you have an emotional investment with this person and you are anxious about how that may translate physically? It is for you the next natural step, one that could open up your vulnerability.

Just relax, enjoy and take your time in letting the energy flow.

Theoldhag Sat 30-Nov-13 13:21:20

Ps also be prepared! You do not want to be fumbling around for protection!

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 13:24:06

I'm overweight (although I have lost a lot of weight this year, I am still not thin, and although I look great with clothes on, it's left me a bit saggy....), and I've had 2 children.

He is older than me but very fit (runs marathons etc) and has a perfect 6pack body, I've dated guys half his age who haven't been in such good shape.

uptheanty Sat 30-Nov-13 13:33:20

I think i would feel the same in your position, it's exciting but....still, it's new so there is an element of the unknown.

If he's older, i'm sure he's experienced when it comes to a womans body?

He likes you, that's why he's with you.
Be confident, after the first time's out of the way, i'm sure you'll be swinging from the chandeliers grin

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 13:40:44

Its partly that he is so great that I do slightly wonder why he likes me...when I'm sure he could get someone younger, thinner or prettier (even though I know I look good for my age, with clothes on anyway! And I do think I'm pretty).

I've been much fatter than I am, and never cared. I think perhaps it's cos I really do like him, if I didn't it wouldn't matter as much whether or not it went well...

niceupthedance Sat 30-Nov-13 13:52:27

Hmm, I think you should focus less on what he's thinking and try to imagine how great it's going to feel for you (hopefully!). He might have his own performance issues to worry about, you never know.

I recently got back in the saddle after 3 years celibacy and I was terrified! I made sure I looked the best I could so applied a bit of fake tan, painted nails etc. But the best thing I did was tell my partner I was nervous, and he was lovely about it.

Have fun!

uptheanty Sat 30-Nov-13 14:00:06

You know...i'm sure he's really great. But i can guarantee you he's not perfect. He will have imperfections.

Remember all the great reasons he's lucky to be with YOU.

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 14:13:45

I thought that all men wanted someone who was confident about their body? Hence I wasn't sure whether to admit to nerves. Plus not wanting to draw attention to my less than perfect areas!
It is odd, much as I really want it to happen (last sex I had was about 8-9 months ago, so it's been a while!), I cant help feel nervous. But a bit excited/butterfly-y as well blush

niceupthedance Sat 30-Nov-13 14:57:12

I think you can be nervous about first time sex without it necessarily being about body confidence. Just say it's been a while!

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 17:20:47

Yes I could say that I guess, slightly easier than admitting I'm worried about him seeing my wobbly bare flesh!!

gettingeasiernow Sat 30-Nov-13 19:15:11

It's a big step, you like each other and it's time to go to the next step, of course you are nervous and want it to go well. Many a more experienced man will find the usual imperfections very womanly and be pretty much blind to them or even love them. DH and I dated for months too so I remember the apprehension you describe, but now falls asleep at night with his hand on the tummy I have never let anyone touch and tried to hide from him. Dimmed flattering light should be a given. Hope it goes well.

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 20:09:56

Ah thank you - yes I will definitely be dimming the lights!

I have already had to stop his hand touching my tummy several times...I just hope he doesn't get put off seeing it in real life.

Friends have pointed out I am 10 years younger than him, so he may well have his own worries. I tend to assume I'm the only insecure one!

dopeysheep Sat 30-Nov-13 20:19:15

I know it's going to be really difficult, but if you try and stop him touching bits of you that you don't like, he might think you don't like him or want him touching you at all, and then he'll get stressed and it's downhill from there.
I reckon better just not worry about the flabby bits ( if you have any) and just be relaxed. I know it isn't easy but I don't think most men really give a crap about toned abs and the like, they just like naked intimacy same as everyone.

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 20:24:21

I'd feel better about my flab if it wasn't for him having proper toned abs. And muscular thighs, and strong arms blush

I do get what you mean. Am hoping a glass of wine may relax me sufficiently that I stop worrying about it, and can allow myself to get 'swept away' in the moment...!

Dwerf Sat 30-Nov-13 20:25:50

Buy some nice underwear, matching and sexy, so you feel bloody fabulous it in. There's some gorgeous lacy big knickers out there. By the time he gets those off, he isn't going to care about wobbly bits. And by that point, neither will you. And by the way, nothing is as sexy as confidence. Go have fun smile

TawdryTatou Sat 30-Nov-13 20:26:33

I was mortified about letting anyone new see my post 2 c-section tummy, complete with stretchmarks so bad the obstetric consultant commented on how many I had...

It's new dp's favourite bit of me. He loves it.

The fool grin

You'll be fine. He'll be just as nervous as you.

Boetunesgirl Sat 30-Nov-13 20:37:40

This is a tawdry marking of place because I want to know about how fabulous it all is after the fact. Enjoy! grin

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 20:59:35

grin at tawdry place mark!

D(eed)-day is not til Weds, but I promise - assuming I don't bottle out of the whole thing in the meantime! - that I will update afterwards smile

dopeysheep Sat 30-Nov-13 21:02:43

Noooo don't bottle out on account of your probably imaginary wobbly bits - cos then they will have won!

Good luck I am sure it will be fine!

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 21:17:18

I got "back in the saddle" so to speak this year after 14 years in one relationship. The only sexual relationship I'd ever had. I've dated a few guys since then and I'm still nervous with a new partner.

I feel your pin - I was seeing a ridiculously attractive personal trainer with a body to die for. I was racked with nerves, and he was a lovely guy to boot. When it came to it, I can't tell you how great it was. He seemed so attracted to me that I felt confident and sexy and just uninhibited. We didn't work out as a couple but we're friends now (though do reminisce to our brief blissful encounters from time to time...)

Believe that he's there because he wants you and likes you - he is! smile

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 30-Nov-13 23:06:31

Op if the guys standing there with a hard on he don't care whether your wearing a sack cloth and ashes or a bin bag, tits out shoulders back and straddle the guy he'll be to stunned to notice any flabby bits. blush

LetsCancelChristmas Sat 30-Nov-13 23:24:45

GP001: I spat my gin at that.
You are, of course, correct grin

frenchmanicure Sat 30-Nov-13 23:40:39

guiltypleasures grin that's made me laugh! Feeling ever so slightly less nervous.

I actually don't think I could stun him though, he thinks I'm an uber sexually confident woman of the world. Sadly he is wrong!

LetsCancelChristmas Sun 01-Dec-13 00:04:35

Oh no no no! He's not wrong!
It's ridiculous what a fit lovely man brings out in you, trust me! I think you'll find you are/will be/can be uber sexually confident. C=Just brab and go with it!

LetsCancelChristmas Sun 01-Dec-13 00:04:56

*grab it and go with it

oopsie grin

MadeMan Sun 01-Dec-13 12:46:34

Hi Frenchy, I'm a man and when I want a woman, I WANT a woman no matter what. Flabby bits, saggy bits, he probably won't even notice them if he's got the horn for you.

Love handles give you something to grab hold of, unlike all these toned up hard bodied chocolate dodgers.

You ever try to turn over a mattress without handles? It's not easy.

frenchmanicure Sun 01-Dec-13 12:52:17

Thanks! He will have too much plenty to grab hold of in my case!

Definitely thinking I will need a calminng glass (or 2) of wine beforehand though grin

frenchmanicure Sun 01-Dec-13 12:52:45

calming even!

Handywoman Sun 01-Dec-13 14:59:44

Tawdry place marking from me also. Go with the flow OP and enjoy!

frenchmanicure Sun 01-Dec-13 19:24:01

I will try...

However have come over a bit flappy and anxious as not heard from him today (this is not an issue of itself, it's my own history of shit men projecting onto this and fanning the flames of fear...) Off for a calming bath smile

Vivacia Sun 01-Dec-13 19:33:12

If you're prepared to have sex with him, are you not prepared to mention your concerns beforehand? You don't need to go in to detailed overkill, but just mention that it's been a while and you feel a bit shy about your body?

To be honest, I expect he won't be able to believe his luck at getting you naked. Sexiness is about 90% confidence, fake it to make it and all that.

girliefriend Sun 01-Dec-13 19:51:56

Also shameless place marking, I am in a similar situation in that am seeing a bloke and think sex is probably going to be on the cards in the next few weeks.

I am pretty nervous as haven't had sex in a really long time blush plus the last time was pretty shit so am hoping this time will be much better!

MummyBeerest Sun 01-Dec-13 19:58:16

Hi OP-was the plan to get together yesterday or today?

frenchmanicure Sun 01-Dec-13 20:10:09

girliefriend it is nerve-wracking isn't it?! I hadn't thought about it until a week ago, now I can't stop. I think that it will potentially be VERY good, which of itself is also a bit scary!

Weds is the big day. Or night, rather...

MummyBeerest Sun 01-Dec-13 20:21:22

Ah, don't worry! Loads of time.

Was there a particular reason the two of you decided to wait?

HerBigChance Sun 01-Dec-13 20:24:17

Am also marking place as I think I may be in this position (oo-er) in the next few weeks.

notapizzaeater Sun 01-Dec-13 20:26:31

Perhaps he's just as worried about it as you are ....

Relax enjoy and go with the flow, you can laugh about this afterwards.

frenchmanicure Sun 01-Dec-13 20:33:20

It was meant to be last week, but had to be postponed due to me being 'off games'. Had we done it last week, I'd only have had 3 days to worry about it beforehand rather than over a week!

LetsCancelChristmas Sun 01-Dec-13 22:05:13

Wise words Vivacia
I used to think this "project it and you are it" mentality was utter cobblers but I increasingly believe it! Suck it in, stick your boobies out, bite your lip and away you go grin

girliefriend Sun 01-Dec-13 22:21:29

Am wondering about making this friday night 'the night' but obv not telling him that! Will see if my friend could have dd over for a sleepover and make sure I have clean sheets!!

frenchmanicure Sun 01-Dec-13 22:30:14

Ah it's good if you can have it as an option girlie, if it doesn't feel right fri then you don't have to, and he won't be any the wiser iyswim? smile

Ours has by circumstance to be rather more planned - plus the fact he told me he really wanted to last weekend and we had a somewhat overheated conversation about it blush; as a result last weekend I was completely over-excited at the prospect, then we had to postpone, and the nerves kicked in. I bloody wish we hadn't had to postpone! waves fist in direction of unpredictable monthly cycle

MummyBeerest Wed 04-Dec-13 08:24:58

Have a great time tonight! wink

BettySwalloxs Wed 04-Dec-13 20:28:43

Good luck! Don't be nervous - just shag him until his ears fall off....wink

frenchmanicure Wed 04-Dec-13 22:00:03

Just to update...all went fine smile no need for nerves!

PyjamaDayToday Wed 04-Dec-13 23:38:38

That's wonderful - the others will be along soon and will want details grin

Dwerf Wed 04-Dec-13 23:54:12

Oh yay, now unleash your inner tigress grin

MummyBeerestCupOfCheerest Thu 05-Dec-13 00:30:43


notapizzaeater Thu 05-Dec-13 12:34:22

Brilliant - now enjoy !!

DottyDayDreams Thu 05-Dec-13 21:38:16

Glad it went exciting starting on your new relationship.

Me2Me2 Thu 05-Dec-13 21:43:09

ha ha brill!

redundantandbitter Thu 05-Dec-13 22:03:59

Ooh, I love a happy ending, well..happy beginning! sips cocoa

savemefromrickets Fri 06-Dec-13 23:42:25

MadeMan, if it wasn't for DP I'd have fallen in love with you on the spot. I've been chocolate dodging for a few months but will now give it up in the hope of being flipped more easily by DP grin. God, I'm such a martyr for that man.

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