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really upset, sad and scared

(190 Posts)

Sorry in advance as this feels long to me. I've posted often about my emotionally abusive H over the past year and now with benefit of all the help I've had here and from reading books and speaking to women's aid I feel I can more clearly see what he is doing-- his tactics-- and what has been going on through our whole marriage/relationship of 25 years.

He has constantly belittled me because I haven't worked (full time, have done bits of freelance) over the past few although I have been drawing a salary from his firm, for tax purposes-- that stopped at the end of September. I have no self confidence and although I have good skills in my field it has been really hard for me to start properly job hunting and he has been no help whatsoever-- for example he picked up a copy of my CV when I'd sat down to proofread it, said it was sh*te and crumpled it up. But I managed to get a contract job, it literally landed in my lap and it is a lovely project. I started exactly a week ago. It's not the most impressive job in terms of prestige or money but it is a good way back into the loop as far as I'm concerned... and one week in I'm loving it, really enjoy everything about being at work full time again.

True to type (I had been wondering how he would respond) he seems to be subtly making problems. He has just been generally in a bad mood and I've been tiptoeing around, at the moment I'm still getting used to getting back into the routine of getting up and going to work. When I worked full time, as I did the whole time our kids were growing up (I stopped when DS was in last year of A levels, he's now 3rd year uni and DD is in first year so we have an empty nest, kids are both doing well and I'm v proud of them) his rule was that my job could never interfere with his life, I have always had to do all the cooking/childcare/clothes etc. But because he earned more money than me that was deemed fair... but of course looking back I always put myself in the position of second to him, and probably reinforced his view that he was entitled to special treatment.

Anyway to get to the point. This weekend, my first after working, he wanted to our weekend house in the countryside-- his pet project and something he has used to extremely control us (mainly me + DD over the summer, DS early on started refusing to go). I was a bit muddled up as to what I wanted to do, in my mind, I thought I should put my foot down and say NO as I could stay here plus get laundry done, do some cooking for the week, and play around with the project I have on the computer (he does NOT want me working at home even briefly as I won't get paid for it, but I would like to brush up my computer skills a bit and do some extra work on the project) but for various reasons I agreed to go. Although we had a nice time Saturday as we met up with friends, he was niggling away all day today (Sunday). For example I lightheartedly asked what the agenda was for the day, as I was making the coffee and just wanted to know what he had in mind for the day, ie work in the garden or go for a walk, and he exploded at me for using the word 'agenda' as it sounded like a work-word... he was doing his own thing on the computer and said he just wanted to be left alone so I didn't bring him a cup of coffee, which further infuriated him, etc etc and the day sort of went downhill. But we went by to see DS as we had to deliver something to him so there was some point to the day so to speak.

We got back around 6:00 tonight, I put a load of laundry in, and cooked dinner, he sat on the sofa and worked on HIS project. I transferred laundry to tumble drier eventually, after dinner I folded clothes, set up ironing board and ironed 2 pairs of trousers for him, left shirts on the back of a chair, left ironing board up as I was going to do a quick job on the shirts. NB these were ALL his clothes. We had a couple of glasses of wine, he wasn't too happy with the fact that I hadn't planned a 'pudding' for him (this was after minor niggles with the dinner) then he didn't want to watch Family Guy (my guilty pleasure and I hate to miss it) so I went upstairs to watch it on the TV in the bedroom. Was this unreasonable??

I think I dozed off, he came upstairs an hour or so later shouting at me that the house was a mess and that I was wearing a jumper he doesn't like, a comfy one I wear around the house. I think he was insinuating that I wasn't dressed for sex. So I got furious but didn't shout (this is fairly usual) and came downstairs to sleep on the sofa. I got down here and found he'd folded up the ironing board roughly and left it on the table (weird place). He's always hated it when I left the ironing board up but in this case-- as I was trying to 'catch up' with laundry after going away for the weekend on his insistence-- I thought he should give me a bit of slack. Then I found some things on the floor, papers etc, that he must have just slung down there. Plus I found my muddy boots on top of my laptop. FFS I had even cleaned the kitchen before I went upstairs, all counters were cleared, it wasn't all that bad. As usual he was just finding fault with things-- I cannot argue, yes the ironing board was up and yes there was a tiny bit of clutter and yes my boots were left in the middle of the floor. But he just doesn't help. Shouldn't he be really supporting me, in a new job, plus I've not bothered him for anything over the past week? I even take the train so he can have the car, and I have come in and made dinner every night plus of course do all the cleaning, evidently not to his standards but that is ridiculous because he is really messy himself and never even picks up his clothes off the floor. But if his clothes are on the floor it is my fault because I haven't picked them up.

So, with my enhanced knowledge of how abusers work, I know this is what he is doing. And I am fairly detached (which angers him) and I just let it wash over my as much as possible but I was really upset when I saw what he had done with the ironing board. I've actually been crying about it. It was just so unnecessary. So I think he is trying to sabotage my new job, and I need to get out. But now after googling flats to rent I am really depressed, I have a cat and a dog, this house works for me. And kids are coming back from uni in a couple of weeks when term ends.

When I've spoken to WA the idea of a refuge doesn't seem to fit with me-- no point in taking a room when I could rent privately. If H was violent things would be different. If he left it would be fantastic, absolutely lovely, we have a great time when he isn't around, but he needs to be in London for work over the next few weeks so not much chance of him moving to the weekend house. Plus he doesn't like to go to that house without someone else-- I think he gets bored on his own (whereas personally I love being on my own).

I'm going to call WA today, they were organizing counselling for me but I put things on hold for the new job. My question is, WTF do I do?? I was all for the idea of moving out until I realized how many problems that thew up and how much of an adjustment that would be, with the new job as priority. And it isn't really all that affordable. I know this is a question so many have had to deal with, and why staying always seems so much easier somehow. But I need to do something. I'm thinking that I can possibly speak to a lawyer about getting an agreement drawn up where we both live her but separately until we sell the house and I can buy another one, basically try to recreate the house we have on a smaller scale for 1/2 the money.

OK-- I'm feeling more angry than sad now-- I know I have been told to LTB before but I think that this is the week when I finally need to act. Inertia is not an option. Bastard. I feel like I want to hurt him and I hate myself for that. Stupid ironing board. I know I can manage him as I've been doing, but at the cost to myself of all my self worth and sanity!

Ehhn Mon 25-Nov-13 06:41:03

I just want to say bloody well done for winning that contract and taking the first steps to freedom.

I think you need to continue down this path as your h sounds like a massive dickhead. With regards to the animals, a cat can cope with a flat. The dog - rehome. We did that with our adored ridgeback as we had to leave our big house with land for tiny house with none. She went to my godmother on a sheep farm and is so happy - we visit her a few times a year. It was devastating to do as it felt like along with losing everything else, we were losing part of the family. But it wasn't fair on her. It was the right decision for us and her.

You and your kids are happier without him. your dcs and your sanity and mental well-being, at this point, are more important than anything else. Your son has already exhibited avoidance tactics, but your dd is already learning to submit to her father's demands. What a bastard he is!

Keep posting on here as you will get emotional support and more practical advice. Mores importantly, keep going on this road to a new life for your children and yourself.

Mrsmindcontrol Mon 25-Nov-13 06:42:00

Oh my word. I don't have any advice- I don't think you need it anyway. But I just wanted to say what a horrible man he sounds & how brave you come across.
Good luck for new life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 25-Nov-13 06:48:39

I'm sorry you're being treated so appallingly. 'Violence' is a broad church and his behaviour sounds incredibly cruel. In your shoes I would rethink the idea of a refuge quite honestly. Or at least a very small place to rent temporarily. You can still work. I say that because I think you need to put some miles between you so that you can stop 'managing' and start living. I understand why you feel reluctant to walk away from what sounds like a nice lifestyle but. all the time you are under the same roof, he has the opportunity to chip, chip, chip away at your self-confidence and skew your perception of normal.

You asked if he should be supporting you in your new job and, from the pencil sketch above, it's clear that he has spent 25 years not supporting you in any way besides money. Don't stay with a man who expects you to 'dress for sex' or assume a menial, domestic role in exchange for money.... it's demeaning.

I think you really need time to yourself in a place of your own to process all of this, get the legal advice, and start moving into the next phase of your life without him. Right now, you know it's bad but I don't think even you appreciate how bad.

bragmatic Mon 25-Nov-13 06:51:47

He can see you're ready to take control over your own life and he doesn't like it.

Forget the ironing board. If it wasn't that, it would have been something else. It's great that you're getting ready to move on. Life is about to get a whole lot better for you. grin

Thanks all for the moral support thanks I'm getting ready for work now having had very little sleep but am going to make it a goal today to 1) speak to WA worker who I met before, might just text her as private conversations not easy in office and 2) check out flat rentals, just for information. It might be an adventure, I could use a change of scenery... need to act on this anger I'm feeling, I normally end up brushing everything under the carpet but with the new job in the mix I can't let this go!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 25-Nov-13 07:12:42

It will not only be an adventure but an eye-opener. When my EA exH and I split up I had a few years of 'flashback moments' where, quite unexpectedly, I'd get a sharp memory of something unpleasant he used to do and I'd stop in my tracks and thing 'OMG... I can't believe I let that go'. It's more than a change of scenery, it's a change of perspective.

RollerCola Mon 25-Nov-13 07:14:26

Morning! I agree with bragmatic. If you can summon all your bravery to act on this and get through the initial stress of a separation, your new life is just around the corner. And believe me when I tell you it'll be wonderful, and you'll have wished you'd done it earlier. I've just done the same, my h was just like yours. It is the BEST thing I've ever done grin

Be strong, and I hope you have a productive day.

todaysdate Mon 25-Nov-13 07:21:04

Try the dogs trust -!they do fostering for pets when people leave due to abuse..
Sorry -on my phone etc so can't post more

Rooners Mon 25-Nov-13 07:27:00

He has no respect for you at all. I think you should leave him.

That said - the practicalities will need to be figured out, but still, it is the right thing to go and be on your own rather than treated like his personal outlet for shittiness.

There is a point where you begin to get angry and it is frightening for some when the floodgates start to open, because it is then that all the sadness and upset and anger from years of putting up with this stuff - and wasting your time on him - come out.

It can be hard to manage those feelings, and it is abrave thing to do - I sometimes think this is why so many people stay, because it's that or process the anger from years of abuse which takes time and isn't easy.

Good luck with your job. Don't let him sabotage it. He will get even more angry if he thinks you are planning to leave so keep your cards close to your chest.

hollyisalovelyname Mon 25-Nov-13 07:33:46

You poor darling. I hope you stay strong and get out and have a happy life.
The love is gone.

Lweji Mon 25-Nov-13 07:58:03

You do need to go and do not let him know in advance.

Keep internet and phone safe.

He may not be overly violent, but he will punish you in little ways that are just as bad. Imagine if your computer was ruined.

Use the anger you're feeling at the moment and do it before you lose it. And please, don't doubt yourself. He really is a bastard.

You also say your children are in Uni. Even so, it seems that they were and are still affected by his abuse, particularly your DD. So, do act now for her too. Show her what to do with people like him.

SirSugar Mon 25-Nov-13 08:25:33

The first thing I would do is get an appointment with a solicitor. I think you will find that the length of marriage, your full time commitment to it etc will get you far more than 50% of marital assets.

What would happen if you challenged his 'rules' a bit?

Anniegetyourgun Mon 25-Nov-13 09:02:39

YY to solicitor, find out where you stand and what you can do about it before deciding on a course of action. Knowledge is strength.

One of the really liberating things when I finally moved away from XH was when those "OMG" memories popped up I realised I did not have to forgive and try to forget any more. I could resent it all I jolly well wanted to - and then let it go, because it didn't matter now. When you brush something under the carpet you can still see a lump. You have to sweep it out into the light of day, shovel it up and dispose of it properly. (It's rubbish collection day round here today, can you tell? grin)

MadBusLady Mon 25-Nov-13 09:23:46

You have described a vile, manipulative, abusive man. You are waking up to his patterns but I think once you are away from him you will get hit by a succession of those OMG moments the others are describing. And on the subject of lifestyle adjustment I think you'll be stunned by how much more energy and time you have for solving problems and rebuilding your life once you're away from him - think about how much of every day you expend on the sheer effort of managing him.

Putting your muddy boots on top of your laptop is a particularly telling thing to do. Your laptop is what you're using to better yourself and maintain contact with the world of work. He wants to ruin it - literally if necessary. I would keep it close by (and password protected) if I were you.

I'm not sure the legal agreement you mention sounds like a great idea to be honest. I think he will escalate his behaviour and throw every obstacle in your way to prevent the sale going through and prevent you leaving. His behaviour patterns have been like this for years - he's not going to stop manipulating just because a solicitor has rubber-stamped a decision to split. If anything, just the opposite. He's already escalating because he knows you have detached and are starting to see through him.

payhisdebt Mon 25-Nov-13 09:32:51

OP my situation was not the same as yours but I managed to leave my very unhappy 16 year relationship recently.
I knew for a long time I had to do it.

Knowing you must do it is the first step.

It is a massive relief and I am beginning to become my own self all over again . I also get on fine with exP

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Nov-13 10:15:24

Nothing wise to add. Just want to let you know you sound so lovely and reiterate what you already know- your life will be lovely without him.

You can do it. Holding your hand and sending support

flowers

whatdoesittake48 Mon 25-Nov-13 10:24:04

My Mother walked away from her marriage after 25 years too and it was the best thing she ever did. My father and her remained friends and she put up with his behaviour - but from her own home where she could see his treatment of her was wrong. She was able to ask him to leave ad she finally had control.

After many years living apart, they were closer than than they ever were married.

My mum was 50 when she left - she set up a home for me and my brother, put us through university, bought things from charity shops and basically gave us the best she could And it was more than enough - knowing she was happy was better than any fancy house.

My mum even had a stroke and went thorugh cancer and she still didn't take him back. She finally knew that all those years of dealing with him, being careful, staying strong inside her head and doing what she could for us had taught her survival. A skill which she put to good use when she was on her own.

OP - your marriage has taught you things which people often never learn. You know how to survive - how to keep your feelings to yourself and use them to keep your head above water. Take heart from the fact that you have survived and that the next stage of your life can be so much better.

bumbumsmummy Mon 25-Nov-13 10:36:05

Well done for getting this far don't put the work project on hold that's just what he wants forge ahead with that it will give you self esteem n a little money in your pocket you will also meet new people which will further boost your confidence

You are being spectacularly Gaslighted and manipulated its hard but you need to learn to trust yourself He is definitely scared that you are finding your own path

Whatever you do please don't give up you can do this you are stronger then you know and I wouldn't be surprised if your children weren't already secretly wishing you well in this

Good Luck

Damnautocorrect Mon 25-Nov-13 10:37:45

Oh lovely, what a way to live.
What strikes me is that you cannot live with this man after the marriage has ended. It will not work, he will expect you to pick up after him, cook etc as you do now. Speak to a solicitor and get him out.
A lady I knew who was in a similar situation ended up with the large marital home as she'd supported his earning to the detriment of hers. Keep your cards close to your chest and good luck, life is for living xxx

elskovs Mon 25-Nov-13 10:43:43

Oh you poor thing. Im so sad for you I could cry. You are so nice to him, and he is so horrible to you.

You sound really brave, well done. And good luck

kohl Mon 25-Nov-13 10:48:00

You are amazing. Hold onto the anger to get you out. He is a colossal arsehole, but you know that. Could you get an appointment to see a solicitor asap, to find out where you stand legally? It's great that you're talking to WA, really hope you get some good advice from them.
You can do this.

myroomisatip Mon 25-Nov-13 10:49:35

I was in the same boat as you sad It got to the point where I actually ran away and stayed with a family member then I booked into a hotel until I found a flat. I was lucky that I had enough money at that time admittedly.

Getting away was the best thing. It took a couple of years to really get away and it was a struggle because he would not let go but with the help of a great solicitor I did manage it.

I would also add that I get on ok with the Ex and he helps me out with stuff around the house I can't do.

It might help if you had a chat with a solicitor or the CAB as well. Good luck.

HawtChocolate Mon 25-Nov-13 10:52:26

He sounds utterly utterly vile and abusive. Well done for getting that contract.

You must get out. You do everything - cook, clean, work - plus tiptoe around this horrible person. How can being alone be worse, even if you are broke and it is hard at first?

This is such a clear cut LTB case. Dont let this man treat you like a doormat a minute longer!

Good luck x

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 25-Nov-13 10:59:55

25 years; christ on a bike.

At least you have two houses; are they in both of your names? It's easily split and you can sell one and get your own place pretty soon.

Why do they do it? Wankers.

SirSugar Mon 25-Nov-13 12:59:51

I think the crying about the ironing board is not about the ironing board, but about the realisation of the loss of what could have been and the grief of letting go.

I have no doubt you will leave him and have no doubt he will attempt to be everything you ever wanted in the process - but what about all those years he could have been and never was?

Unfortunately for him he will pay significantly financially as well as probably being alone without a personal slave - after all as main carer to your DCs, they are going to need future shelter when they return from Uni, with you.

He is also likely to have to pay a joint lives order, maintenance for the rest of your lives unless of course you agree to final settlement which would probably be a larger settlement but negate future hassle in court if he plays up.

This is what you get by way of compensation for a lifetime of servitude, and you are in a far more powerful position than you realise at this time.

See a lawyer, your H is a bastard

Ok. I'm revisiting this to give myself a kick. End of the week and I'm still here, and guess what he did yesterday? He threw my clothes all over the floor. I think this is because the trousers I'd left for him to wear, ironed, had a faulty zip which I wasn't aware of. He shouted about that tonight but didn't mention what he'd done.

I leave for work before him and he's left a mess in the kitchen every day but this is direct provocation as these were stacks of neatly folded trousers and jumpers... And I'm telling myself it could have been worse, he could have ripped them or something.

I didn't say anything and neither did he, I went upstairs to change when I got in. And was shocked to see the mess, I took a picture first then picked up my clothes and took them into another room with the idea of packing them away. Now. He thinks all is ok, as I think it's better not to confront him about it so he must think that I'm contrite and sorry.(and I really don't want him commenting on how many clothes I have, it is a bit excessive grin but my great pleasure in life).

WA advisor has said to report to police (not about clothes but about other things, he has jokingly threatened to 'murder' me) please give me the strength to call tomorrow! H is 'stressed' right now about work and family worries (his family) and I'm sure that is his excuse but it is no excuse.

PS have been busy at work which is why I haven't done more but I have made contact with a solicitor who I had a free half hour with 6 months ago. Job still good but I don't want them thinking they've hired a nut case... So not taking any time out to deal with this sh*t.

lunar1 Fri 29-Nov-13 06:16:55

You really have to get away from him. Can you go to the other house and change the locks. You shouldn't have to rent when you own two houses.

Delilahlilah Fri 29-Nov-13 09:02:16

Please, please get away from him. You need to take that final step. You will feel so much better, and so will your children. He must not know what you are doing, because you are about to take all his control from him, he will have no power over you. Present to him as fait accomplis. Move to the other house and lick him out. If he turns up shouting the odds, call the police. He won't be so 'brave' then. Honestly, you will feel so much better once you leave. It is worth any inconvenience.

Lweji Fri 29-Nov-13 09:47:14

I hope you aretalking to the police.
Never take those threats lightly.

He keeps punishing you and it may well get worse if he suspects you want to leave. Could you arrange somewhere to go to and take a day off when he's at work?
I'd probably have a quiet word with your boss and explain that you need to take one or two days because you are separating and it is not amicable. You could simply leave at that.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 29-Nov-13 10:03:21

I am frankly very worried for your safety. He sounds a complete misogynist. He may not have raised a hand to you yet but I think he sounds capable.

colafrosties Fri 29-Nov-13 10:29:56

He put muddy boots on your laptop sad
He couldn't have stated his intention to walk all over you and your new job any more blatantly than that.

ormirian Fri 29-Nov-13 10:53:54

Good luck OP. You know what has to be done and I am confident you will do it xxx

onetiredmummy Fri 29-Nov-13 11:19:07

Why are you still there OP? It is just the practicalities of moving out with everything else going on?

I know how daunting it is, but remember that you may get help with housing costs (Housing Benefit) & perhaps other help too depending on your salary.

Get yourself out, let him deal with his own washing & ironing! Imagine his rage at finding the faulty zip & having to repair it himself!

When I left my DH I did it with a 4 year old who had just started Reception & a 4 month old baby. I left my marital home, my car & my job & I have not once looked back! It really is worth it & once you start doing it its not that actually that difficult. Its like a huge ironing pile, you look at it for weeks & dread starting it but once you start you think this isn't so bad. Its a simplistic example but it works. (I left my iron there btw, didn't iron a thing in 2 years) smile

There is never a good time to leave, there is always a reason why you can't. Yours is your job, but perhaps if you didn't have it then your reason for going would be 'I have no income' or 'I have no job'.

Just do it, just jump in & I guarantee its not as scary as you imagine it will be. smile

FunnyRunner Fri 29-Nov-13 11:19:08

He is a complete, raving lunatic or at the least an oversized, petulant man-baby. My initial temptation would be to take his fucking clothes and dump them all over the place but I don't know if he is actually potentially dangerous so will defer to people who know more about these things. I just can't work out if he's a complete arse who would be shock and blush if you called him out on his behaviour or whether he is dangerously controlling and could escalate.

I think you know what you have to do OP. Honestly, why are you wasting your life with this pathetic twathead? Get yourself out and you will look back and laugh at some of the absurd things he has done. In the meantime keep safe and get organised thanks

FushandChups Fri 29-Nov-13 11:29:12

He threw your clothes all over your room shock who does that? I know you know what you need to do but I really hope you do it - and soon.

thanks

hollyisalovelyname Fri 29-Nov-13 17:10:35

Be careful. Ensure he can't see your Mumsnet comments or get into your computer.
He's one angry man.
There was another thread a few weeks ago from a poster called Devons who was suffering from abuse in the home. It's all quiet now and she hasn't posted for ages. Perhaps her partner discovered her postings on Mumsnet. Other Mumsnetters concerned in case the abuse racked up.

springytickle Fri 29-Nov-13 18:45:00

YOu have to learn to behave. That's why he's having his tantrums, to get you back in your box. It's obedience he's after - to your master and lord.

It is a hellish way to live. Really. Once you go, it will feel like you're on holiday for a year . He's so used to having a slave - not even servant, but slave - he is not taking it well that that his slave is rattling her chains.

He genuinely believes your role is to serve him. I mean genuinely. he will push for it at all costs. Forget man-baby, that assumes he has some level of conscience. He doesn't and he never will.

Get out lovely. You'll get a whole heap in the settlement. Get the ball rolling. You dont have little ones to think about, you have your legs, your arms, to do with what you will.

Just wanted to update. He's spending the night in a police cell. Last night he said he wanted to 'smash my f-ing face in', not once but twice-- the background to that was a fairly ridiculous argument over a computer program we both use in our work. In the interest of getting a record of the incident I dialled 101, before I finished the call there were two police at the door and another in a second car outside. Sh!t. He wouldn't come downstairs, they came upstairs and unprompted he said that he'd threatened to smash my face in but of course he didn't mean it, he had freedom of speech, etc. the policeman who took him away was threatening to put him in handcuffs.

A lovely policewoman wrote 4-5 pages of notes, seemed genuinely concerned and told me he was clearly abusive, I think I sounded a bit like a know it all, as I kept saying I knew all about abusive relationships and had been in touch with women's aid... No idea what happens next. I've only had about 3 hours sleep, planning to work tomorrow. Today i mean! But I imagine someone will call, evidently he won't be spoken to and presumably cautioned until after 8:00 and I will be on my way to work. I'm feeling v v sorry for him right now. He has no idea he was doing anything wrong.

Squeegle Thu 05-Dec-13 06:37:49

Well done.
That must have taken so much. That is such good news; a real warning to him.
Please please don't waste time feeling sorry for him. Think about it logically. He's an adult. He lives in the same world as we all do. He's intelligent. How could it possibly have escaped him all these years that this is no way to behave. He does know that it's wrong to act like this.
Turn it round.... Would you ever consider saying something like this to someone? Anyone?
I think not. (I say this as someone who had an EA partner. The hardest thing for me was stopping feeling sorry for him when he was a bastard to me! Logical?????)
Good luck and well done again

Oh my!
Please keep talking, we are here to support you and we care about you

Who do you think deserves your sympathy most right now?
Go look in the mirror, she's right there.

This can go one of two ways.

You have a massive wake up call which makes you both realise that you are worthy of so much more. And you do whatever it takes to get that.

Or he comes back with his caution and carries on as before. And you let him.

It's up to you to choose your own happiness. He cannot control that.

I speak as someone who is working through the former, but with far less years and crap under her belt. My marriage may or may not survive, time will tell. I will do whatever is right for me, no matter how remorseful my DH is, and how little he realised his behaviour was wrong.

Right now, you need to put YOUR feelings and needs above everything else.

Good luck flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 05-Dec-13 06:52:17

How many times have you raged at him over trivialities and done something aggressive designed to belittle or intimidate? Why should he get away with it?

I for one am glad you picked up the phone last night. Do not let him tell you that he was only giving as good as he got or that you overreacted or have damaged his reputation.

forumdonkey Thu 05-Dec-13 06:53:33

OP that is how I finally got rid of my abusive exh - arrested by the police. My advice to you now - solicitor and start divorce proceedings and get legal advice. Now the ball is rolling keep up the momentum.

Good luck it won't feel easy but it will definitely be worth it

Aargh. I have very red eyes today, not helped when I work on a computer all day! Thanks for all the support... Still thinking that its my fault, at least somewhat it is, he was b:thing me out yesterday before I called the police, saying I hadn't organised anything 'social' for pre-Christmas-- how could I when he never likes anything I organise, like going to winter wonderland in Hyde park, I am planning to go with our friends, it is a great laugh but when i told him he said its naff and expensive. WTF can I do??

I really don't want him to come back. I'm secretly hoping he will be sufficiently jolted to go permanently to our weekend house- this is what he offered to do when he realised police wanted to take him away. I wonder what they are going to say to him- policewoman assured me I wouldn't be left high and dry with him back here, but I was acting so concerned about his welfare when she was here, she suggested it might give him the kick he needs to start behaving himself. I'd rather he just F's off.

Anyone willing to bet he will be either 1) threatening to throttle me or 2) threatening to do himself in? I wonder what today will bring.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 05-Dec-13 07:02:01

I don't know but keep your phone close and charged fully.

Perhaps start telling him to fuck off and get out of your life would be better than carrying on doing his ironing?

"how could I when he never likes anything I organise"

That is the crux of it. He will never like anything you do, because that is not his purpose. YOur role is to be wrong, his is to be all-powerful and right. He sets you up to fail and attacks you for failing.

Please let this be the day when you say "ENOUGH. NO MORE"

We will help you

Squeegle Thu 05-Dec-13 07:09:05

Hmm, yes
1). You did not bring any of this on. He chose to behave in x way that was threatening. The police have reinforced beyond any doubt how unreasonable he is.
2). I wonder whether he will be nice as nice can be today. Designed to confound you, make you doubt yourself, and think he's not so bad after all.
Watch out for that!

funkyi am thinking that now the cat is out of the bag so to speak I cannot risk being in the same house/room as him. DD needs to be collected from uni, on saturday, just finishing first term, no idea how we will manage that but the car is registered in my name so presumably I could take it without asking (lol) drive it over to collect her things perhaps Friday, then I could tell her... Oh sh!t! What happens next?

Ledkr Thu 05-Dec-13 07:10:46

This is it now. Time to split.
Do not for a second underestimate his potential to hurt you or worse.
His simmering resentment and need to control you has been challenged.
You have shown him you will not tolerate his abuse and that others agree with you.
This is the most dangerous time in the cycle if abuse, the most likely time for severe violence to emerge.
Speak to the nice police woman about your options from here and whether you can get an injunction to prevent him returning to the house.
And stop feeling sorry fir him because he never does for you

In a non-abusive relationship, you would just take the car and collect DD without even thinking about it

And I know you don't want to get into bother at work, but it might be an idea to offer to swap your days around a bit.
You might not be in the best or most attentive frame of mind to work today, and you have a few things to do and to think about

Yes led an injunction is what I want, he can go to the other place. I'm sure it will all be discussed at some point today, I am just in somewhat denial but with rage simmering underneath!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 05-Dec-13 07:18:49

He has been trying to weaken you but now he knows you won't sit by and be threatened. Sometimes in the heat of the moment it's hard to process everything, you may have felt compelled to defend him in front of the police, it is a reflex but this morning you will have a chance to replay it all in your head. They weren't taking any chances were they.

I hope you can confide in a rl friend. I don't know about non-molestation orders or what steps you should take next but will you update the person you've spoken to at WA asap for further advice? This could be a big turning point.

norks, really? I just cannot imagine making a unilateral decision. In fact I cannot even imagine suggesting anything because it would just be shot down, ie collecting Friday rather than Saturday am as per original plan, due to anticipating traffic on sat.

Cannot remember if I said that when police turned up ( I hadn't expected them to) I begged them to leave as I didn't want him to know what I was planning (a slick exit at some point in the future) so they've called my bluff. They wouldn't leave without him, and were going to force their way upstairs if I didn't let them.

SirSugar Thu 05-Dec-13 07:27:04

I think letting the police take care of him is the right thing to do

AliceinWinterWonderland Thu 05-Dec-13 07:29:17

I do agree with the posters that are saying this is the most dangerous time for you. He knows you're getting ready to leave and he's already ramped it up by threatening physical abuse now. The fact that you've rung police now means his pride has taken a hit - you've challenged him and he's going to feel that need to beat you back down, and in many instances, this is where the physical violence can get really nasty and deadly.

Please do not take chances. This is not your fault. Don't feel guilty, don't worry about whether or not he is alright, and don't kid yourself that he doesn't realise what he is doing is wrong. He knows- if he didn't know, he'd act like that to everyone and in front of everyone. And I'll be willing to bet he's much worse in private - that's your answer - if he's hiding how he behaves to any degree from the general public, then he knows it's wrong.

ThisIsMeNow Thu 05-Dec-13 07:36:10

Thats, everyone is right. This is a really dangerous time and I don't think he will be calm when he's released. Please please stay safe. Call 999 even at the first hint of trouble.
Wishing you strength.

EugenesAxe Thu 05-Dec-13 07:44:44

I have no experience but agree you should get control by finding out your rights from a solicitor. Maybe once divorced the comfortable home will come back to you anyway.

Agree you shouldn't act until you know your path ahead clearly, and that any material object with which he could hurt you (emotionally) through sabotage should be made safe.

He sounds quite evil; please keep up your courage to do this and don't fall for any lines he might spin you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 05-Dec-13 07:46:27

Talking of unilateral decisions and prompted by another thread just to say keep an eye on any joint account you have, in case he moves to empty it.

He reminds me of the shit my dad put my mum through. I would guess the suicide threats will follow. In my case my father did actually take a small overdose of tablets on a full pint of milk. It didn't work. My mum stayed strong. However the impact of his reign of terror still affects us all. My mum now has serious mental health issues. Please please stay strong and don't relent. You can and you will get through this. He will only ever put himself first. Just keep focusing on getting through this. One day at a time. Thinking of you.

bluebell234 Thu 05-Dec-13 07:54:30

they can put injunction so he can't come near you.

Lweji Thu 05-Dec-13 08:08:05

National centre for donestic violence for free emergency injunction.

Will check out later.

CaroBeaner Thu 05-Dec-13 08:29:43

He sounds really dangerous to me, the way he has escalated his abuse and control in response to your success and independence.

'Owning up' to the police was a manipulative act and luckily they did not fall for it.

None of it is your fault and he has all the power and resources to look after his own welfare so unchain yourself from that psychological prison and think only of your own future and welfare.

Do you have a sole bank account or savings? In your shoes I would see a solicitor ASAP and do whatever is legal to put half the joint monies in your own account and begin separation. Find out what you are entitled to. With 2 properties in the marriage you will be fine once it is all divided. You are entitled to half !! Gather all your important documents and have a bag packed to be ready for anything.

frustratedashell Thu 05-Dec-13 08:46:48

I can't believe you managed to put up with him for so long! Well done for taking action. Keep strong you're 100% in the right. Please take everyone's advice and see solicitors and get prepared for a quick exit if necessary. Good luck!

wallaby73 Thu 05-Dec-13 09:38:35

The fact that you can't imagine making a "unilateral decision" speaks volumes...please think about that.

Lweji Thu 05-Dec-13 09:56:35

You did the right thing and you should protect yourself now.
He is very likely to act reasonable now and step up his abuse over time to full on physical violence.

In any case, I advise you to stay well away from him. Get the free urgent injunction (NCDV , 0844 8044 999, or text NCDV to 60777).
And if he must be around, please have another adult with you.

If he manages to go back to the house, please leave.

There is nothing to be sorry for him at all. He threatened you, he has been abusing you. There is no way he didn't know that was wrong. Even if he didn't, this is no way to live. You should feel safe in your own home, and with the people you live with.

Take care and keep talking.

Lweji Thu 05-Dec-13 09:57:22

Also reinforcing other advice to safeguard money in bank accounts and documents you have at home.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 05-Dec-13 10:05:06

Home should be a sanctuary not a place you walk on eggshells.

Upthread you mentioned you didn't want to make a bad impression at work while it's early days, but a discreet word should be sufficient to advise them that you're experiencing an unprecedented but serious situation at home right now.

Blu Fri 06-Dec-13 06:42:56

How are you, OP?

F-ing disaster. He's back at home so I don't feel I can' go there. Spent night at kind friends house but I hatei imposing. He has called every minutes since I turned my phone back on, I spoke to him briefly so he's still alive. I really feel left high and dry by police, they seem ed to think a night in the cell would fix him. He's just texting me that I've ruined his career andthat I 'have no idea what I've done.' WA could only suggest I stay with a friends and don't go back while police said I should go home and talk to him. Posting on phone, grrr

livingzuid Fri 06-Dec-13 07:26:12

Oh OP. You are so brave. Typical bully behaviour. Keep every text and proof of his abuse. Get legal advice ASAP. And I am sure your friend does not mind in the least. Don't go back. Can you hire a car to collect your son?

Who cares if his life is ruined he's been ruining yours for the last 25 years. He has done that all by himself. He can always go back to jail if he carries on like that. Get an injunction. What happened to him going to the other house?

He sounds like a complete calculated lunatic and completely unhinged. Very dangerous. I really hope you are OK today please stay strong and safe.

SirSugar Fri 06-Dec-13 07:30:19

Get yourself to a solicitor would be my advice.

He will only have had a caution, hardly able to ruin his career however if he does anything else they will charge him; and he will know that because the police will have told him.

He's just trying to scare you back into submission.

Lweji Fri 06-Dec-13 07:32:17

I agree with WA and would be moving out.

Get a friend with you to pick up your stuff.

Ledkr Fri 06-Dec-13 07:40:59

Where are you now?
A solicitor is the very next step to take.
Then you can plan your next move.
Break free now while the wheels are in motion, imagine your lovely life without him in it bossing you around and kicking off because you haven't made him pudding!
Men really don't behave like that you know.
Do it today dint look back.

Ok. Just spoke to him, he's very sad and remorseful and says he he hadn't realized what he was doing. He says it is because he has 'undiagnosed black depression '. I am prepared to go along with this farce, keeps him focused on himself while I figure out what to do.

Ruprekt Fri 06-Dec-13 07:47:24

What a horrible man! hmmhmmhmm

Take care OP. ((((()))))

Lweji Fri 06-Dec-13 07:58:19

I've been there and his stance changed from day to night as he stepped over the threshold.

Really, the best option for you is to stay away from this man. sad

SirSugar Fri 06-Dec-13 08:00:08

Ah, the sympathy card - HE wants sympathy for his shite behaviour.

He is like the thief who's not sorry they committed the crime, just sorry they've been caught

Lweji Fri 06-Dec-13 08:05:39

As you go back, even feigning sympathy, he will do his best to tighten his control over you.

If you do go back, and I strongly advise you against it, make sure you have a fall back plan already in place.
Leave some clothes, money and documents at your friend, for example.

Blu Fri 06-Dec-13 08:06:50

Bloody hell, sorry to hear that you have been left high and dry.

All strength to you as you continue moving forwards. Spend the weekend working in a focussed way to look after your own future. I suspect that he will try and coerce you to go to your weekend house with him - my advice is do not go, spend the weekend sorting out your future

Please, please do not worry abut imposing on friends. It isn't 'imposing'. It is the result oh you having been in such an emotionally abusive relationship for so long that you feel as if you are an imposition. Any friend would be more than willing t support you in these circumstances. Your friend will NOT be finding it an imposition. It may be a bit inconvenient, but that isn't the same thing. We all embrace inconvenience to help a friend.

And remember: black depression. has that been responsible for years of you doing the ironing and cooking and having no choice of what you do at the weekends? Because this is all about what has happened over years, not just the last 48 hours.

OP, please, please make sure that you don't let his reaction to the police make you feel trapped and that you can never ask for their help again.

Good luck getting sound legal advice from solicitor.

livingzuid Fri 06-Dec-13 08:23:34

Depression is not like that at all. Take it from one who has been there in many big black depressions. It's a lie.

If you do go back (and I don't think you should) then please take care. You can sort your life out from outside the house though you don't have to return. And repeat the legal advice and safeguarding any bank accounts you share.

Lweji Fri 06-Dec-13 08:31:55

Also, if you go back (don't!) buy a cheap PAYG phone and keep it hidden from him.

Have just red this through. please ignore the "you have no idea what you've done". The police came because he made a very serious threat to you. You looked after yourself. He is the one who have behaved appallingly. Please move out, get a friend to help you pack your stuff when husband is out of the house.
The police came because sadly his threats are of such a nature he may well carry them out. That may feel surreal, but is how it often goes unfortunately.
Please don't worry about him. Worry about yourself. Luckily you have a job and money, and in time I'm sure you'll be settled financially. Please consider your own safety now.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 06-Dec-13 08:40:49

Acting like the injured party, "My career's threatened", "I'm so depressed", he will now beg you not to tell anyone like family or friends.

Keep your phone charged and close by. Something someone told me once, if you didn't do so before, start wearing hard soled shoes or trainers in the house in case you have to make a quick exit.

Ledkr Fri 06-Dec-13 08:44:39

Oh come on op, you are kidding yourself, depressed people don't have the energy to try and control people or use sky underhand tactics.
What are you going to do now, because he will almost definitely step things up a notch.

Lweji Fri 06-Dec-13 08:54:19

What you are particularly kidding yourself is that you'll be able to control the situation and work to get out.

It's easier to get out once you are out, meaning now.

Once you're back in you'll find reasons to stay rather than means to leave. And he'll do his best to punish you for calling the police and to keep you more and more.

Ledkr Fri 06-Dec-13 09:25:25

Totally echo lweji

Mishmashofstyles Fri 06-Dec-13 10:08:18

Agree that going back would be a mistake. sad

Delilahlilah Fri 06-Dec-13 11:13:05

Op, please do not go back. He is manipulating you. He is making excuses because, for once, he's been called on his behaviour. He knows full well what he has been doing, which is why he doesn't treat other people this way.you are putting yourself in harm's way if you go back. Go to the weekend place with your DD, and lock him out.

Handywoman Fri 06-Dec-13 11:29:00

I think the 'I'm depressed' stage should become included as part of the famous 'cycle of abuse'. In my case I bought it and needlessly stayed a furthe three years in my EA marriage. If in doubt OP read your thread again from the start.

Please do not go back.
Things are going to get steadily worse.
He had been abusing you throughout your whole relationship.
You know it's a farce regarding the depression bit but it doesn't mean you should go back,
Your friend will want to help you out with this.
Explain everything to her - or she could read this thread but do not leave there to return to your abusive H.
Your safety is at stake here.
If I was your friend I would not want you to go back and would insist on you staying with me!!
People want to help - let them!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 06-Dec-13 11:49:32

I know your DCs are due home for Christmas and you may dread telling them and upsetting them. I would put money on it your H will play on your desire to shield them. They may already sense that there are tensions at home. It is painful but you need to put yourself first, consider your safety. If you go home to fetch clothes, documents, keys, don't go alone.

Cerisier Fri 06-Dec-13 12:17:34

Another vote for being very very careful. He could be extremely nasty and devious by the sound of it.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 06-Dec-13 12:22:41

I'm glad you say "go along with this farce". At least you realise it isn't real remorse or sadness. "But I didn't know threatening to smash a woman's face in was an offence." No dear, of course you didn't hmm

However I am rather aghast at the police suggesting you go back and talk to him. I suppose they're going on the assumption that he won't try anything since he knows they've got half an eye on the situation. Bit of a risky assumption IMO.

He says he's depressed and needs help. So. I called doctors and had tearful conversation, explainung all, saying he needs appt if only for me to be seen trying, I want to hand his mental well being to someone else. If he can say 'I'm depressed ' there are a series of actions and expectations that follow so if that's in place I amless open to direct confrontation. And his. Behaviour will be monitored. Still might get injunction but just trying to get thru work day.

Yes police think fear of arrest is enough for him as he's not been violent. But he's v aggrieved about 'what I did to him'

Good luck OP, if you can get that injunction, get it. His mental health (ha!) is not your problem to resolve.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 06-Dec-13 13:39:51

Need I ask what his attitude would be if you reacted by saying, "Actually, your behaviour has been so upsetting, I am on the edge, I need help, I can't cope"?

Donkey he would say its proof that I am the mentally unstable one!

Lweji Fri 06-Dec-13 13:47:21

That'snot, he should be calling the doctor, he should be making the appointment, and honestly, you should go with him to the first appointment so that you know he tells it all to the doctor.

You should not be making any effort for him in this, or it becomes your responsibility. And his failure also becomes your responsibility. sad

lizzzyyliveson Fri 06-Dec-13 13:56:49

It doesn't matter what he thinks or says about you anymore. Just tell everyone that you are separating and remember, "he would say that, wouldn't he." Use that line whenever you hear that he has said you are unstable or whatever. Make your plans and get your stuff. Don't bother about the doctor's appt. Can a dr do anything to make him into a decent person that you can live with for another 30 or 40 years? Imagine what sort of retirement you two will have together, stuck in the house all the time.

Shakey1500 Fri 06-Dec-13 13:59:51

Just wanted to say how much I admire you. Bloody well done for all that you've done/are doing. Stay strong thanks

I did a covert moonlight flit from my EA ex. Had a case packed ready, fortunately had somewhere to go. Unbeknownst to me, he had uncovered my plans and (bizarrely) removed from my case-

My passport
Any photos I had of my late father
x2 candlesticks confused

I don't think he expected me to leave at 3am in the morning. I only discovered the missing items the next day. I reported the theft to the police who promptly arrested him. How I would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall at his "oh so snooty" parents house when they realised their precious son was in a cell.

In the end, the police couldn't find the things and there was no proof=case dropped. I rang him and told him that the passport could be replaced, that I would always have the memories of my father that he couldn't take away and....

....that he could shove the candlesticks up his fucking arse. Sideways grin

Good Luck x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 06-Dec-13 14:01:40

Exactly. Once he thinks you are buying this he will use it as an excuse for past and present actions. And a handy explanation for anyone you both know so anything you describe loses credibility.

Lweji Fri 06-Dec-13 14:04:47

But he's v aggrieved about 'what I did to him'

If you are at all considering going back, do not while he insists on what you did to him.

He should be repenting and moving heaven and earth to show you how he can change. He's not.

Golferman Fri 06-Dec-13 16:09:07

I'm usually quite cynical about sone of the OP on here as a man, however fuck me you have put up with this shit for 25 years! He is an abusive twat and gives us decent men a bad name . I hope you can somehow get away from him as he has obviously trodden all over you as a person. If I discovered a man was doing that to any of my female relatives I would round to sort him out, disgusting behaviour to another human being.

hollyisalovelyname Sat 07-Dec-13 08:46:54

Hope you are ok OP.

Joysmum Sat 07-Dec-13 11:58:42

Hope you are ok OP. Keep the texts and don't accept calls do he has to email or text as if you are splitting up, these can be used to work out practicalities and used as evidence if needs be.

Well. it is NOT getting better! I don't know what to do for the best... stayed here at house last night because-- he had emailed me saying that he was going out to our other house to stay overnight, then he'd pick up DD in the morning. I had taken the car thinking I'd drive out yesterday evening and pick up her stuff, just in the interests of logistics as she HAD to be out by 10:00AM today. So instead I came home thinking I'd hand over the car and that would be it. But he was here, in bed, 'trying' to sleep as he said he hadn't slept since before it happened. He said he couldn't sleep because he kept thinking about it, couldn't sleep if I left so I stayed, when I went downstairs to watch TV he called down every 5 minutes to ask if I was on the phone again (he has no idea I post on forums), as in calling the police.

I still feel sort of let down by the police, how did it happen that he was let go with no idea of what he had done wrong, he just feels that I exaggerated because I knew that he wouldn't really hit me-- I told the police that. I told them they could come back the next day. And I told them that there was no immediate danger and I was planning a slick exit strategy (sort of have been for about a year now) and I wanted to have a backup place to go if needed and according to all the evidence this is a dangerous time but they know that he came back to the house-- I can't re-house myself with cat, dog and kids back from uni that quickly.

Anyway we drove out to DDs uni this morning after a totally sleepless night during which he kept accusing me over and over of things-- now his gripe is that I often have 'screaming fits' and he has been a saint for putting up with it. But got DD packed into the car, and we dropped him off at other house and he is there now. He has a car there so I drove back in the family car.

He has a big piece of work to be completed next week and I don't want to be the cause of him not finishing that. He has made a Dr's appt for Tuesday morning and he wants me to go and 'tell them what I have done' I said fine, as any competent professional will know when I say 'he told me to say that it was my fault because he didn't say that he was going to hit me he only said that 99/100 people would have hit me already because I was yelling at him not the other way around and so he is actually a good guy for just telling me that and not actually doing it etc etc' will see that it's a crock of * as even if there is fault on both sides (not!) it isn't a good situation. No way will that let him off the hook, but I still don't know what he wants to achieve, if the Dr's turn it back onto him he might get even angrier. I want someone to explain to him, Lundy Bancroft-style, that he is an angry and abusive man! I am having a hard time thinking of him being left high and dry, he will only get angrier and angrier at the world. He needs some help, if they prescribe him some prozac at least he'll feel that he has a chance of getting 'better' and maybe if he takes some pills and gets a counsellor to talk to we can make it through Xmas. Buying some time would be nice.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Sat 07-Dec-13 13:15:57

I still don't know what he wants to achieve
Setting the scene if he resorts to DV so it looks like you asked for it.

He is banking on you not wanting to rock the boat. After this project there will be Christmas and after that another raft of reasons to keep you under his thumb.

At the outset you said, If H was violent things would be different. I'm sorry but this is how it is shaping up. He sounds liable to lash out in temper then blame you for winding him up, etc. He was hard enough to live with before but this looks like a crisis now.

He seems flabbergasted that he is the abusive one. He thinks that I am just as abusive as him.

It's nice being here in the house without him. I'm rearranging furniture thinking I'll decorate for Christmas, DD and I love to go overboard on decs. He will hate that. I'm waiting for a call back from WA to discuss what I should do-- leave here, rent a countryside cottage, or get an order against him not to come back to the house? Brain is spinning. He has always said he 'hates' this house because it is too suburban, not suitable for such an exquisite (lol my words) man as him, and now that he has been 'raped' (his interpretation of the police coming in and taking him away) he cannot bear the place. I'd happily put it on the market but DD is back for several weeks and has a lot of work to do in that time, exams when she gets back to uni.

He said to me when I left him at the other house that he had no options left but to do himself in-- not sure if I should respond to that or not?

He has his computer with him out there, I think he can do his work from there.

He's really angry that I went on to work the day he 'got out of prison'-- should I have been home waiting for him? My workmates have no idea this is going on, crying and phone calls have been done outside the office.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 07-Dec-13 13:49:05

It's another method of control sweetie. Doing himself in means you will feel sorry for him. I think there is a list of things that abusers do and that's another one.

Found one...

http://www.ilrctbay.com/upload/custom/abuse/content/abusers.htm

and another
http://we-are-survivors.webs.com/abusercharacteristics.htm

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 07-Dec-13 13:49:25

Crikey I forgot they don't link automatically here

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 07-Dec-13 13:49:58

If it was me I'd change the locks and get an injunction out whilst he was away.

oldgrandmama Sat 07-Dec-13 13:54:21

You poor love - I've come late to this thread. The guy's playing you and he's getting more desperate the more he sees that you're on to him. Now it's the 'depression' card blah blah blah. Please please, believe an old lady who's been there, seen it all - HE WON'T CHANGE. If you 'knuckle down' and return, there'll be a brief 'honeymoon period' then it'll be same old same old, with you more and more ground down, demeaned, bullied, made a fool of and generally crapped on by this awful man.

Be strong - stay away.

thanks funky I am thinking about the injunction. I told DD a bit about what had happened (unfortunately started it by saying 'Ive done a stupid thing...' 0 then proceeded to tell her what he'd said/done and that I hadn't meant for the police to turn up and take him away just to note the address etc for future reference. she and I were both crying and she was saying 'just leave him'. f-ing yikes. But we both feel desperately sorry for him and he does have good qualities... yeah i know!

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 07-Dec-13 13:59:22

Look - if your kid is saying leave him then I think that's pretty solid advice.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 14:00:28

Of course he's flabbergasted that he's abusive, he's probably never had an honest moment of self reflection is his life. And of course he thinks you're the abusive one, :rolls eyes: they always do. It's much easier for him to play the victim than face the reality.

Suicide threats are to be expected, it's standard for abusers who have lost control of their victim. He's tried reasserting control over you and it hasn't worked, so now he's resorting to emotional blackmail. Of course, if you have serious concerns about his mental health, then call the doctor. I would assume until proven otherwise that it's just manipulation.

old at the moment I am home and he is away! Which is great, I want to stay here... but... might be easier if I was gone? not sure. Best situation is for him to be happy to stay away for a long time.

This is the first time I've seen my house in daylight for a month! Work every day then other house on weekends. OMG the dust. I'm going to put carols on and light candles.

Twinklestein Sat 07-Dec-13 14:04:21

I wonder how your daughter feels about her father? How has his behaviour affected her? She's clear that she thinks you should leave him.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Sat 07-Dec-13 14:09:10

I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, but it is what I would do.

I would wait until you are home alone with him (so DD doesn't have to witness it) and call the police again - tell them he has threatened you (he has been an arse for a long time, it's not much of a stretch and is only a matter of time before he does again as he has 'got away with it') and that this time you are not prepared to have him in the house again - you want an injunction. Then you can go about sorting things out financially.

Your OP & subsequent posts are really really sad - it's no way to live my love, it really isn't. He has you so down trodden you are still taking the blame and feeling sorry for him. He's escalating - be very careful x

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Sat 07-Dec-13 14:12:38

I wondered how long it would be before he flung your work at you, this new job you got has really upset the apple cart hasn't it!

If he repeats the threat about doing himself in say in that case you would have to call 999 or his GP. This is another attempt at emotional blackmail.

He doesn't seem capable of handling not getting his own way, and seems to immediately escalate any niggles into a row, as though he's been rejected and frustrated or displaced.

Before your relationship even started he learned somewhere to get frustrated at the drop of a hat, and to respond angrily. During those 25 years of marriage, he must have felt those responses worked for him.

Now even your reserves of patience are depleted, and he knows you are drifting away from him, but can't adapt his behaviour, so resorts to threats.

steeking Sat 07-Dec-13 15:16:33

Have lurked on here for ages & just wanted to add a couple of things.
In a way your DH is like a toddler. He has been getting his own way for so long that he can't quite believe you're taking a stand. His reaction is then to ramp up his behaviour. It'll get harder before it gets easier for you but hang in there. You are def NOT the cause of him not handing in work- he is.
I had a relative threaten the suicide thing with me. I ended up calling her bluff and asked her why she didn't just go ahead and do it. To which she replied "Don't be ridiculous, I'm not going to do it yet!" She wasn't depressed just trying controlling behaviour. TBH if he mentions it again I take Donkey 's advice and tell him you are concerned for his mental health and will be contacting police and GP. You can also mention his suicide threat at the appt (if you go).
Take care x

DollyTwat Sat 07-Dec-13 16:07:03

Op please get an injunction whilst he is already out if the house. This is your opportunity.

The reason he hasn't realized he was abusive is because in his eyes he is entitled to treat YOU this way. He is entitled to threaten YOU

He presumably doesn't do this to other people?

Take the opportunity that's on a plate for you. Then you don't need to plan an escape

Ledkr Sat 07-Dec-13 21:21:20

Here here dolly

Blu Sat 07-Dec-13 21:38:35

"I want someone to explain to him, Lundy Bancroft-style, that he is an angry and abusive man!"

why? Why do you need HIM to understand and accept this? The person who needs to know it is you. Are you wanting him to agree with you, and give you permission to leave?

The only thing that needs to affect your decision is how you feel, what you want, and how angry and abusive he feels to YOU. You can leave him for any reason you like, or no reason.

Your DD seems to understand very well that leaving him would be a good move.

Good luck OP, I do hope things stay calm tomorrow and he stays away.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 07-Dec-13 21:47:08

I echo what others have said. Get legal advice to keep him away.
All of this is his making he does not have the right to treat you like this. If he breaks the law then the consequences are his you didn't force him to do anything he decided to and to hell with the consequences which he probably thinks he can rely on the police to see his side as he truly believes he is entitled to behave in this way and that your opinion is as worthless to them as it is to him. He has spent years convincing you his self worth is all that matters as even now you try to justify his actions to make life easier for him.

Listen to your daughter she has lived with this her whole life. This has escalated because your new job has given you the independence away from him to see the wood for the trees and he feels his grip slipping so he feels perfectly justified in bringing you back into line. To him you are not a person worthy of respect, other people have rights. You just don't even register as human to him, you are property that's why he feels safe to threaten you and claim you are unstable because in his view you are an inanimate object there to reflect his views, opinions and way of life. You are now threatening that way of life and must be broken in any way possible to bring you back to inanimate object status.
The police when they came were trying to impress upon you the seriousness of this and that despite what you think he would or wouldn't do he is escalating and therefore is unpredictable especially seeing as their involvement has done nothing more than incense him.

His behaviour and the consequences of such are his responsibility, if he feels he has the right to break the law to impose his will then he must accept the consequences of that thinking.
You have a right to behave in any way you see fit within the confines of the law, even without this going on you have the right to say it just isn't working anymore and concentrate on yourself. You do have a right to a sense of self, your own life and your own persona free of anyone elses conditions.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Sun 08-Dec-13 13:09:31

"I've done a stupid thing...."

Interesting choice of opening words but your DD grasped the significance of what happened.

I'm sure you brought up your DCs to be good polite little children, not cheeking adults or answering back. But if an adult - 'stranger danger' or a familiar figure - posed any danger, you or their school may have covered this, in that case they could shout, make a scene, pull away, call for help.

This was not you being stupid that night you rsng the police, you had just cause to be fearful. Maybe you felt you had to downplay your situation to her? In the cold light of day perhaps the danger recedes but I hope you know better.

Lweji Sun 08-Dec-13 15:35:56

I understand you both feel sorry for him, but if he continues with you, you'll suffer and it's likely that you'll end up calling the police on him again, or the E&A doctor will...
It's best for you all if you separate now.

Get the injunction, even if it doesn't seem really necessary now.

Not much time as am getting ready to leave for work. So after that awful series of phone calls and texts Saturday he came home, arrived with flowers and nice food, saying that he really didn't want to lose me and he was sorry. I should add that Saturday was our wedding anniversary. We went out for dinner, the contriteness continued-- I should add he has NEVER been so nice to me, holding my hand (cringe) etc. Continued until yesterday and now he's had me up half the night recounting all the 'bad' things I do(sorry but LOL I own too many pairs of brown boots and I left my keys in the door a few weeks ago and sometimes I don't lock up the house to his satisfaction) and he's making a really big deal of a 'fit' I had about 2 months ago, when I had been at the end of my tether for various reasons due to him keeping me (hostage essentially is how it felt) at our weekend home then informing me without asking that we were going up to see his family for a few days-- he decided that we needed to clean the house before we went and he told me I was cleaning the toilet wrong-- yes I did go totally ballistic, shouted my head off... had a sore throat afterwards and felt very remorseful. He wants me to go to the police and tell them about THAT time, the time that HE was being abused. I think I will do just that.... sure the police will see through that! and, he is furious with the police as he doesn't think he did anything wrong the other night. and I am starting to doubt my own recollection of events but am going to call them this morning.

I know I could (should?) get an injunction or maybe just do a midnight flit, move out, but I still think he needs to see that he has done something wrong!

PS will be dealing with things today. And he is banking a lot on the Drs appointment tomorrow morning and I am not in danger, as long as he has others to focus on.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 09-Dec-13 07:51:01

That's the whole point - he isn't going to see that unless you get yourself an injunction and get away you will spend another 10 years trying to show him he is wrong...and what for? Is the rest of your life happy worth sacrificing just to prove a point?

TeenyW123 Mon 09-Dec-13 08:06:44

Bloody hell, Thats, you'll never get him to see he's in the wrong. Get out ASAP and let him do some navel gazing on his own. Why are you relying on outside agencies (police, doctors) when you have the wherewithal to remove yourself from his nasty, evil presence? I know you have seen through his 'nice' charade; do you think he thinks you've fallen for it though?

You've said he sees himself as doing nothing wrong. He's already been haranguing you about (in his eyes) your past misdemeanours - cleaning the toilet FFS! And he's also rewriting history as in he doesn't see he's done anything wrong!

Do not feel sorry for him. Remember the torture he's put you through. Might he escalate his abuse into actual physical abuse? He's threatened you with it already.

Please, please, get out. Get an injunction against him. You don't have the problem of no money and nowhere to go. Get it sorted! now!

I'm worried about you.

Teeny.

Ledkr Mon 09-Dec-13 08:15:14

Well at least you can see now that his apparent epiphany was a ploy to get you to drop the charges!
Then he reverted to his true colours.
You are a grown woman and its your life but it would be a bit if a waste to carry on on like this.
It seems as if you are enjoying the drama of his reaction and kidding yourself he's "learnt his lesson" which is a common reaction to a "lull in abuse" but from what you have said he has a very bizarre and unnatural attitude to women and their role which I can't see changing.

Lweji Mon 09-Dec-13 08:16:47

I know I could (should?) get an injunction

Should

or maybe just do a midnight flit, move out,

Yes, and the injunction.

but I still think he needs to see that he has done something wrong!

Famous last words. sad
Why? You are saying what he needs!? This is codependency. All you need is to be free.
At the moment you are playing games and dancing to his music.

I am wondering if I'm prolonging it. Yes I was hoping for an Epiphany to get us through the holiday and him into counseling. Codependency? Probably or more like used to be treated badly. Yesterday he was being nice and complimentary and it was v uncomfortable but then he listed my faults and I felt normal again. I can deal with normal. If I leave I will destro him if course. If I ran off with another man would be better.

As he would have something to hate me for. Really not enjoying the drama. It was nice with him out if the house but not with worrying about all his phone calls etc. Going to make a few calls now, on way to office.

TeenyW123 Mon 09-Dec-13 09:47:21

An injunction will stop any means of communication with him. Please get it sorted Thats. Please.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 09-Dec-13 09:53:54

Yes he would have something to hate you for...as opposed to the loving husband he is now?

You wont destroy him. No need to worry about that. You'll do yourself a favour, and maybe in the long term him aswell. But your effect on him will be minimal. He'll be cross that you are not "at heel", as that is your rightful place in his eyes. He is concerned that you will not make it without him to tell you all your faults. He'll be confused that you are doing fine on your own. And in time he'll hopefully move on.

At the moment you don't seem to think that your own wishes are important enough for you to lead your life according to your own wishes. If that makes sense smile The good news are that you have the opportunity to be in charge of your own life. It's a bit scary, as change always is. But as it can be achieved without violence, I'd recommend you to go through with it. There will NEVER be a good time, so the best moment is anytime.

Blu Mon 09-Dec-13 13:57:30

OP, you really don't need any validation or justification: your feelings about your life - being 'held hostage' - the terrible way he has treated you, are grounds enough for you to choose to leave.

The police will not act as marriage guidance arbitrators or tell him he is wrong, they will simply respond if you are in danger or if he is perpertrating DV or locking you out of your own home or the like.

He won't acknowledge how bad he is, not deeply, because if he could he wouldn't have behaved in such a controlling manner in the first place. He thinks he is RIGHT to behave as he has, and all it needs is a little window dressing and adjustment with some flowers.

Hopefully you can see a solicitor as soon as possible.

Good luck progressing with your job - the other best thing you can do for yourself! I hope your salary / fee is going into an account in your name alone? You may well need a sum of money you have to fall back on.

LisaMed Mon 09-Dec-13 17:19:54

Sending hugs

Something to think about

You do not need a reason to leave. You can just leave. You can just decide that you want it to end. You do not need to explain yourself to him or anyone.

He is never going to get it, he is never going to see it your way. You can stay until you die of old age, stress or are beaten. You will never get that closure.

His problems do not need to be your problems.

I am not saying I have the answers but I hope that this will give you some help in finding strength to do what is right for you. Good luck

cjel Mon 09-Dec-13 19:37:09

the only thing I'd say about you leaving is that it is very hard to make them sell if they don't want to. I know someone who has had a court order to X for 2 years and he still won't sell.
I did leave and after renting 6 months and him running our house down I asked him to move out, luckily he did I moved back did it up and sold it.

mrfrancis82 Mon 09-Dec-13 21:14:04

At first read I felt for you, but you keep not doing anything and making excuses for him... The guy's a lowlife, father of kids or no father of kids. Why are you staying?

Oh FFS. I called 101 to report him so I could get some documentation of his behaviour. I didn't expect the police to turn up (my stipudity) and take him to a cell overnight, then leave him to come home the next day. I thought we'd get some RL support but its been less than zero, H has no idea that he did anything wrong and thinks it is an example of police brutality/ rough justice. I cannot sleep at friends house, DD is just home from uni. Tomorrow morning we have drs appt to discuss his ' black depression' and I am going along with that. I am trying to keep going with my new job, back in an office for the first time after 4 years, job going well and workmates have no idea what's going on. It is a choice of two options, keeping going and planning the exit as i had been, or the nuclear option of packing DD, dog, cat etc into car and driving out of the city leaving everything behind. The third option, kicking him out, I couldn't do. I could not live with myself. If he kicks himself out, great. Hoping things will be clearer tomorrow.

cjel Mon 09-Dec-13 23:11:48

Get that injunction and learn to live with the fact that you married a vicious bully. Your dcs deserve better from you, or dare I say stay and stop complaining?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 09-Dec-13 23:21:55

The third option is the only one, sorry

Until you accept that, or he forces the issue by attacking you or something, you will keep getting what you have got if you keep doing what you are doing

DollyTwat Mon 09-Dec-13 23:30:11

It's interesting you wouldn't kick him out. Why?
Do you feel like you deserve this treatment but he must be looked after?

He won't ever get it. Even 11 years down the line everything will be your fault. That's the man he is

Aren't YOU worth more than this? Why do you deserve this?

DollyTwat Mon 09-Dec-13 23:34:41

Would you be able to live with yourself if you treated him the way he treats you?

Could you do the nasty things he does to someone else? Think about how little respect you'd have to have for them to do that.

It's hard to realise he thinks that of you, it's not because it's true, it's because he wants to act that way

MrsMinkBernardLundy Tue 10-Dec-13 00:46:14

that s glad i found you. i have been worrying.

Re. getting him to admit he is wrong, it would be lovely if he did and it is one of the hardest things to let go of but you have been on the thread long enough to know it ain't gonna happen.
bounty's FW is the only one in a year on the thread to admit it and I reckon it is just a ploy and he certainly isn't giving her any space...so i reckon as soon as he realises it hasn't worked he will be back to the old all her fault story.

You know it is the one thing we have all wanted. wanting it is understandable...you want him.to finally agree it wasn't you so you can be sure and you want to see a flicker of remorse.

He only feels sorry for himself.he will only beer feel sorry for himself.
He will be fine though. abusers are very good at looking after themselves finding someone to look after them. and that is what he will do.

Yes, if he is arrested and charged then he May be punished but he will still view that as you being unfair rather than justice.

He is abusive. you can give yourself permission to end this.
Revenge is a life well lived thats and it is the only justice you will ever get.

Stay safe . don't waste your pity on him. do whatever you have to (as long as it is legal). Get those big clumpy loud shoes on and (brown) boot him out.

Godspeed x

MrsMinkBernardLundy Tue 10-Dec-13 00:47:43

I have whistle and the bunting whenever you are ready.

that's you know fine well your rage over the toilet was a reaction to abuse, don't you? I had a rage at my FW, more at the other extreme - listing his cocklodging work-dodging. I was so angry I was foaming at the mouth, and a fleck of spittle landed on him. "Don't spit at me!" he barked. So I rounded up a mouthful and did just that. Of course, he now had the perfect situation of not having to listen to or address a word I had said, to demand an apology (given), and to bring it up at every opportunity. Of course he thought I was mentally ill, and it's true I was depressed. Divorce cured that grin

Any suicide threats, do as the poster upthread said, and ring GP or police. They will come and check. If it's manipulative, he is v unlikely to do it again, if it's genuine, he will get the help he needs.

Teeb Tue 10-Dec-13 11:04:24

I noticed something you said previously, about having had a quiet exit plan in mind for a year. Do you believe you will ever act on that? Will it ever be the right time? Or will there always be christmas, birthdays, breaks from uni and so on.

You've been in this situation it's become your normal, to the point where you don't understand what choices and your own autonomy are. YOU are capable of making your own life choices. Not doctors, not the police, not your abuser. Have you considered getting any counselling in relation to your self esteem? This is possibly the worst element of abuse, that he has duped you into this way of thinking, that you aren't capable. You are capable, but only if you allow yourself. An injunction is wholly possible, there is no possible reason why you need to live with threats of violence and murder when you jointly own two properties and two vehicles. You don't need to feel any guilt that he will be on the streets or unable to function.

Motherinlawsdung Tue 10-Dec-13 11:22:59

The bastard is upset because he can see that he might lose his toilet-cleaning, trouser-ironing slave.
Dump him and get on with the rest of your life. You only have ONE LIFE.

stowsettler Tue 10-Dec-13 11:56:26

Coming in late to this thread, and like so many others I've read, I sort of wish I hadn't.

It's so disheartening to literally witness the stagnation of people like the OP, because the abuse they have suffered have completely and utterly hamstrung them.

I wish that you had someone in real life who would give you a great big kick up the arse, OP. You have absolutely no reason to stay with this wanker. You have EVERY reason to leave. Stop thinking about it, stop prevaricating, stop making excuses for him. There are none.

Things you can do:-
1. Contact WA again.
2. Contact the Dog's Trust WRT fostering your dog. They may be able to help with your cat too, if you need help there.
3. GET THAT INJUNCTION. Women's Aid can surely help with this.

4. And lastly and most importantly, listent to Motherinlawsdung. She's quite right. You only have ONE LIFE.

it must be hard for you to read all this OP. Hopefully you get the feeling of support. I'm not surprised it takes a while for you to let it all sink in, and was sad to hear the police wasn't more helpful. Luckily he hadn't acted on his threat, so there was no more they could do just then. That is tough, and I can understand you felt left alone. You aren't quite alone though. I have no practical support to offer, just wanted to let you have a Virtual hand to hold. There are lots of good advice on this thread, so take your time and pick out what suits you best. Hope you have a good time with your daughter.

Blu Tue 10-Dec-13 18:34:19

OP, there are many ways to keep moving forwards, and I agree it is a priority to make the best of your job.

Rest assured everyone only wants your safety and ultimate happiness.

Hopefully you can gather all your strength and resources: seek legal advice as soon as is practical, maybe explore the possibility of the Freedom training Programme? It is an excellent course for women in abusive relationships and I know at least one MNer who used it to be very sure of her options, tactics and exit route. It would give you a source of support, too.

Just keep your wits about you, be alert, don't fall for his dishonesty and smokescreen, and don't be tempted to think 'it will all be OK in the end if he says he is sorry"

I am concerned for your safety if he blows up again, but will not berate you in frustration.

Keep posting!

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Tue 10-Dec-13 18:47:08

This marriage is like death by a thousand cuts.

How did the doctor's appointment go this morning, OP?

The Drs appointment was a real eye opener. OMG. Not sure I have the strength to write it all down now but it would make hilarious reading. He is out tonight and I'm holding one of his sheets of notes in my hand which includes a statement with a box around it, something to the effect of 'if she doesn't get help I am going to leave her' . grin I have no idea what he said in 'his' appt as he won't tell me. He did come out with a referral form and a prescription.

I have to say in my defence- I know I'm being badly treated but I do not consider myself to be downtrodden! I struggle but I do manage to do my own things (he hates that)... I like to think I've gained strength by having to deal with such a d*ckhead. But his underlying sense of entitlement is scary. I am convinced that Lundy Bancroft knows him personally as he is such a textbook case.

Tuhlulah Tue 10-Dec-13 21:39:15

You might not be downtrodden -but you could be HAPPY without him. You could have a life without him in it.

Fingers crossed he will leave you, as he threatens in his note. God knows what he told the GP.

cjel Tue 10-Dec-13 21:55:11

Oh my goodness, Oh to have been a fly on the wall>> I can just imagine the sort of stuff he came out with. How do you feel?

MrsMinkBernardLundy Wed 11-Dec-13 09:59:54

that's we can only pray he does leave you but don't count on it. i would plan to get in there first if i were you.
have you secured any finacial documents? as i suspect if he does leave you he will plan on taking absolutely everything with him, after all he thinks it is all HIS.

he ahs a totally distorted view of reality and of you.

WA and sol.

thanks

mrfrancis82 Wed 11-Dec-13 12:07:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mrfrancis have you been in an abusive relationship? It's not that straightforward. thats you are not a disgrace to women! whatever you do.

SeptemberFlowers Wed 11-Dec-13 12:30:12

MrFrancis Piss off - comments like that are unhelpful angry

OP We're here for you. The sooner you split the better. I'd be opting for booting him out, he has a house he can stay in - let him go there !

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Wed 11-Dec-13 12:33:30

She is not a disgrace to me MrFrancis. Your comment is entirely disgraceful however. Make yourself scarce please.

mrfrancis82 Wed 11-Dec-13 12:51:25

I'm just being straight with her as obviously gentle encouragement doesn't seem to be getting anywhere.

It's almost like she wants the attention without doing anything about it.

Tuhlulah Wed 11-Dec-13 12:56:24

MrFrancis, she is not obliged to follow any advice and if you post on that basis then perhaps it's best you don't post at all. It is not for you or anyone else to impose a time scale for her, this woman who lives this life. If you feel she just wants attention then don't read this thread or contribute.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Wed 11-Dec-13 13:41:55

Hi, thats. Like Mink, I'm glad to have found you and see that you're still talking and thinking it through.

I hope that your plan includes only things that you yourself can do. I'm a bit worried that you're relying on him to end the marriage at some point - but I think this is very unlikely.

DottyboutDots Wed 11-Dec-13 13:47:39

Oh dear god, this is so upsetting. Why stay? Why?

Let me rephrase part of mrfrancis's post

"You're an abused woman if you stay with a disgrace to menfolk."

That's why it takes time to leave.

you're not a disgrace to me neither, not to anybody infact. It is upsetting to stay in abusive relationships, and it is upsetting to read about it. But OP is in charge of her own life. i hope you find encouragement in people willing you on but if you are still reading please don't feel you need to defend yourself to yet more people. You don't.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 11-Dec-13 14:37:47

This state of affairs has become your norm OP.

you have enough to get an injunction and I would do that, he can live at the other house and I'd get the ball rolling for a divorce.

You don't have a slick' leaving plan or whatever you've been calling it, because you're still exactly where you were to begin with but in a very precarious position as you have now told him you want to leave.

Your children are behind you and your DD told you to leave, that should tell you something.

Don't waste emotion and time feeling sorry for him, he's just fine he knows exactly what he's doing and the buttons to press.

You have a new job and a house you can stay in with your animals. You need to get the courage up to doing it.

I'm worried he's going to get physically abusive to you as he's threatening to.

The reason nobody is taking you seriously is because you are trivialising the situation yourself, please don't keep going to the police station and telling them things and then not following thro.

I think you'd have enough right now to get legal aid. MY advice, LTB and don't look back.

Thanks so much to everyone who's taken the time to post on here. I really appreciate the helpful comments and can ignore the unhelpful ones. I know it sounds a but whiny. but I started this thread as a kick to myself to take some action rather than just keeping it all the same. I have now got much more support in real life. I'm seeing a solicitor tomorrow. Plushave documentation with police and gp. I'm not planning on calling police again

Sorry on phone. Just meant this is progress for me.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Wed 11-Dec-13 16:41:21

flowers OP keep safe, glad you've got rl support too.

yay smile the solicitor can give you solid practical advice. Good you've got rl support!

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Wed 11-Dec-13 21:22:13

Hope sol is a good 'un!

I keep wondering: do you need an injunction or could you just change the locks? I know that is not normally legal, but as he has another house to go to, which he could work from, you're not making him homeless. Is it worth asking the solicitor? Please feel free to ignore me!

Blu Wed 11-Dec-13 22:32:57

Excellent news that you can see a solicitor.
And obviously call the police if you feel threatened!
I hope it is good having your DC home.
Bon courage !

Lweji Wed 11-Dec-13 22:37:15

I hope you stay kicked. smile

It's good you have an appointment and have enrolled rl support. Keep it going and take action with the solicitor and getting him out of your life.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Wed 11-Dec-13 23:56:09

Good luck for tomorrow that's

It is harder to leave than a lot of people think but I think having come so far you will find it easier that you might imagine and think of all the others who have left (when they were ready!) this year, bounty, breathe, charlotte, gettingStrong to name but a fewsmile. we know you need to be ready and I think you are right to get your ducks in a row with the sol and such as I suspect your FW will use all he can to keep what he thinks is his, so it has to be done legally...but having said all that, I do really think you are ready and your time has come...and most of all stay safe. if he puts a foot wrong, have no pity for him, call the police.

one last big push and you will be free. I hope you will be tap dancing soon wink

Loggins Thu 12-Dec-13 01:04:49

I've just read your thread that's
So you weren't allowed into the drs appointment? I read that he wanted you to go with him?

You need to step out of his game, you will never be able to reason with him, you will never be able to make him see he's wrong. Never.

I hope your solicitor appointment goes well. They can issue a Non Molestation Order fairly swiftly.
Good luck x

cjel Thu 12-Dec-13 08:41:16

Morning, thinking of you todayx

MrsMinkBernardLundy Thu 12-Dec-13 20:37:44

How did it go with sol?

Hi, good meeting yesterday. Not totally sure but there are options. All looking interesting and will update when plan in place.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 13-Dec-13 13:18:50

That's good to hear. Thinking of you.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie Fri 13-Dec-13 15:13:57

Hmmm, curious! Keeping an eye on your thread (in a non-stalkery sort of way).

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