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Lovely new man-but heres the bad bit..

(141 Posts)
memorylapse Sat 23-Nov-13 19:06:14

met a nice guy on a dating site..after a few disastrous dates with others..we had a lot in common and I was attracted to him..he invited me out to see a band a few days lately and after a lovely evening..he walked me home..he is 46..he seperated from his wife last year who he was with for thirteen years..she was ten years younger....

He told me he fancied me and wanted to see me again..all looking good..he leaned in to kiss me then proceeded to kiss me like they did in the old black and white movies!..pursed lips..just kind of wiggled his head around..I couldnt really kiss him back because it just wasnt was completely weird..that last time I was kissed like that I was 14!

so is this a really bad sign..he wants me to go round tonight..but if he kisses me like that again I will scream..and Im really unsure about taking things further..which is a shame because I really liked him..but it was honestly like kissing a piece of cardboard..there was no response..just pursed lips..bit of a damp squid..but he seems really into me..

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 19:08:49

Can you just pull back, smile and ask, "can we try kissing like this..." and go in for a few slow little kisses until, er... his mouth magically opens??

DorrisM Sat 23-Nov-13 19:09:08

I think you might be dating my ex husband grin

Casmama Sat 23-Nov-13 19:10:56

He sounds nervous to me, maybe he is really out of practice. You could try holding his face and taking the advice above about slow kisses.

Sorry, but I did snort at that. Let us know how the date goes and if there's any improvement.

CookieDoughKid Sat 23-Nov-13 19:20:14

I'd give him the benefit of doubt i.e. he's not had much practise but i would be off putting to me. If you need to teach him the basics then what about the rest?!! :0

memorylapse Sat 23-Nov-13 19:21:19

Vivacia..I did exactly that..and he still did it..oh god..just my luck..I have been single for nearly two years since splitting from my husband after he had a three year long affair..looks like I might be single for a bit longer! DorrisM..what does he look like? grin

memorylapse Sat 23-Nov-13 19:25:36

Cookie-that was my first thought..I figure if he has no idea how to actually kiss..and I dont mean..bad kisser..I mean..actually doesn't know how to..then it doesn't bode well in the bedroom sad

maparole Sat 23-Nov-13 19:30:28

Perhaps he was just being polite; not wanting to go too far?

BumgrapesofWrath Sat 23-Nov-13 19:31:39

My ex boyfriend kissed like this! Terrible kisser, but excellent in bed, so maybe it's not a bad sign?

DorrisM Sat 23-Nov-13 19:37:41

Well I married my ex and had been kissing him for over a year by the time I married him so I knew what I was getting but I thought that it was just a minor thing I could change, it wasn't. I tried suggesting we try it differently and he'd agree but it was just the same, so the only thing to do it to be a bit less subtle which isn't easy. I got to the point where he'd say 'you always say that, it make me feel bad' so I no choice but to put up and shut up or really hurt his feelings. I'm not sure I'd say it was the reason we split up, but it certainly contributed.

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 19:37:57

It was a first kiss. So nerves must have played they part.

My first kiss with ex was a bit weird, but def improved!!!!!! Worth a second visit?

memorylapse Sat 23-Nov-13 20:16:19 going round to see will see what any further kissing is like!

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 20:20:41

Oooh enjoy. 2 months since I last kisses my ex... I completely and utterly miss his gorgeous lips. Sigh

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 20:41:28

Good luck memory and hope it improves, kissing is so important.

Your post made me so look forward to dating again hmm

Chesntoots Sat 23-Nov-13 20:43:33

I once went on a few dates with a bloke that opened and closed his mouth just like a fish. I shit you not. Terrible. Couldn't see him after the third time, thinking about kissing him made me shudder. I did try tilting me head, his head, telling him how I liked being kissed. Nothing. Nada.

I would just run for the hills...

Hogwash Sat 23-Nov-13 23:27:36

I'm really sorry, but I snorted too. at least it wasn't like this.

I hope it went well OP. Do report back grin.

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 23:38:48

Blimey Hogwash!

springytickly Sat 23-Nov-13 23:45:34

Sorry, couldn't get beyond a bad kisser <shallow>

KrabbyPatty Sat 23-Nov-13 23:50:04

Gah! why did I click on Hogwash's link?

Maybe he was being polite & it will improve.

Lol at damp squid. grin That sounds horrid.

BearsBeetsBattlestarGalactica Sat 23-Nov-13 23:50:08

Erm I know this isn't really the point but I couldn't help but notice that his ex was 12 and he was 22 when they started going out? Is that correct? Seems a bit off...

BearsBeetsBattlestarGalactica Sat 23-Nov-13 23:52:45

Ahhh oops. I misread the ages.

Ignore me.

I hope the kissing improves for you, OP. Bad kisser would be a deal breaker for me though. I love a good snog grin

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 23:56:56

hogwash that clip will haunt me - urgh. Just urgh.

EdieBlizzard Sat 23-Nov-13 23:57:17

Think you may have miscounted bearsbeets !

EdieBlizzard Sat 23-Nov-13 23:59:26

Sorry cross post - run for the hills OP!

AnAdventureInCakeAndWine Sun 24-Nov-13 00:06:15

OP, watch the episode of Boston Legal called "Race Ipsa" (2.23)... grin

Continued from the link by Hogwash

Enjoy! grin

Whatnext074 Sun 24-Nov-13 00:23:10

My eyes!!

Monty27 Sun 24-Nov-13 00:25:48

Just EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! I don't think I could get passed that shock

memorylapse Sun 24-Nov-13 00:27:03

oh my god! I just looked at those links! thank fully it wasnt that badgrin..right Im back from a lovely evening..Im wondering if it was nerves as he seemed to relax and it was much better..I know he has been single for a year so its possible that its just a case of rabbit caught in the headlights..he seems quite shy..not progressed to bedroom yet (wrong time of the month)...fingers crossed all goes well ..

Hope it gets sorted OP. See, could be worse!

Sounds fab otherwise. wine

bumbleymummy Sun 24-Nov-13 04:29:50

Eugh!!!! Those videos are the worst thing I have EVER seen! How embarrassing!

Dillydollydaydream Sun 24-Nov-13 04:40:12

Glad it seemed better this time. He's like a blank canvas smile

Hogwash Sun 24-Nov-13 10:37:57

IfIdon'tknow good God. She could have swallowed him; let's hope she didn't progress too far beyond kissing him on the mouth!

MadeMan Sun 24-Nov-13 12:25:57

Those video clips are awful, I could only watch them through my fingers from behind the sofa.

bumbleymummy Sun 24-Nov-13 13:01:14

I know Mademan. I showed DH them today and I was just cringing painfully. Why? Just why?!

HandragsNGladbags Sun 24-Nov-13 13:03:37

First goodnight kiss between me and now DH he has always said I slipped him the tongue shock so maybe he was going for chaste and pursed as well?

Thumbwitch Sun 24-Nov-13 13:13:11

Wow, those videos! That's proper "eating face", that is <<shudders>>

whoselifeisitanyway Sun 24-Nov-13 13:32:39

Yeah give the guy a chance! Mind you I ended it with a guy once because he had two horrible white blobs of saliva that some people get in the corner of his lips as he talked and I dreaded kissing him. Another man had a phobia of tongues so it was just dry lips, no moving. I can't bring myself to watch those videos.

gaggiagirl Sun 24-Nov-13 13:43:53

I haven't had a snog in years! Feel all sad and snoggy now grin

SassySpice Sun 24-Nov-13 17:23:29

I was seeing a guy a few weeks ago, when he kissed me he me slurped and sucked. It was disgusting shock

bumbleymummy Sun 24-Nov-13 18:33:26


memorylapse Sun 24-Nov-13 23:29:56

I guess for me kissing is important,I also kind of assumed that bad kisser meant rubbish in bed..but I guess thats not all feels weird..its the first proper date stuff I have had since I split with my husband....

No, there's no correlation between how someone kisses and what they're like in bed. Just as in the rest of life, there's myriad possibilities.

Hogwash Mon 25-Nov-13 20:07:47

There must be some corrrelation, I'm sure (not that it would be a terribly easy thing to measure!). Surely someone is so lacking in self-awareness that they don't realise you don't want to be devoured like a kebab in those YouTube links, they'd be a bit of a nightmare generally?

MonkeysInTheFog Mon 25-Nov-13 20:38:53

The best kisser I ever met - I mean dreamily, pant wettingly fantastically good - was just AWFUL in bed. I've never been so disappointed.

That said, I do think you kiss the way you kiss and however much you practise it's never as good as it is when you meet someone who just kisses the way you do naturally.

galaxydefender82 Tue 26-Nov-13 11:57:41

My first kiss with my girlfriend was like this, then after first date we had the tongues. I think it's just a respect thing, full on snogging on first dates don't always happen. I wouldn't not see him again just because of that, give it a few more dates.

Jesuisfatiguee Tue 26-Nov-13 13:14:54

Are those videos real?! Like, not some comedy set-up. In tears here......

MonkeysInTheFog Tue 26-Nov-13 14:56:20

I was alone in the house when I watched those videos but still cringed and covered my face with my hands. Grim.

Monkeys grin

Roussette Tue 26-Nov-13 15:45:25

Lordy... those videos... DIRE. Reminds me of my bad kisser from years ago... made me think of a sink plunger and unblocking the bathroom sink...

steeking Tue 26-Nov-13 15:45:38

OP I think its a shame people are saying run for the hills . We all have to start somewhere and so what if he doesn't have experience . You can teach him- what an opportunity !

MonkeysInTheFog Tue 26-Nov-13 16:12:04

One of my exes kissed like a sink plunger crossed with a Labrador.

He'd open his mouth as wide as possible, fasten onto the lower half of my face and then sort of lick. I might just as well have not bothered with foundation from the nose down, let alone lipstick.

I tried to gently educate him by example but he was unstoppable. It was like the facehugger scene from Alien.

Lovely, lovely bloke but ugh. I'm convinced that's why he'd never settled down; he probably couldn't find a woman willing to endure the slurping.

Hogwash Tue 26-Nov-13 16:43:40

Monkeys that's 'orrible! grin

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 18:56:51

Monkeys-Im sorry I can't stop laughing! that sounds horrific grin..well went round last night..spent an hour or so chatting then started felt in a way that because Saturday didnt lead to felt like a white elephant in the room like we had to have sex , to get it out of the didnt feel natural to start with then progressed..but unfortunately the flagpole didnt rise..we did other things and he obviously knows his way round a womans body..I explained that I understood about nerves..I was nervous too..we cuddled and he said he didnt want me to go home..then as I left he went all cool with me..said he was too busy for the next week to see me and no arrangements were made to see each other again.sad
he sent me a few friendly texts today said he was tired and busy this arrangements made to see each other again..he seems to have completely cooled off...

JaceyBee Tue 26-Nov-13 19:51:27

Hmm, crap kisser and willy wilt...sounds like you had a lucky escape tbh! Seriously, I don't mean to be harsh but sex is very important to me and I love snogging so this would be a total deal breaker. Never mind though, next! wink

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 20:09:34

Oh memory that's a pretty limp first time (excuse the pun) - I remember my first time with exp was extraordinary. I wS completely out of my depth and yes, he lost his erection too. Had a break, a drink of milk (?) and continued. The first time is just plain weird. Why go all cool with you? WhatsvthAt about... How do you feel about the 'I'm busy all week' thing?

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 20:14:17

tbh I feel like hes blaming me for his willy wilt..I dont see how he could have gone off me in a non second..on Saturday..he was up for it (scuse the pun) but I was very much on my period..but there definitely wasnt a problem then..I guess he was horribly nervous last night, first time since marraige break up etc and that wasnt a problem..the being cool with me afterwards IS a problem though hmm

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 20:36:12

Hmmm so what's the plan?

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 20:41:34

Im really not sure what to do..I told him Iwas childfree tonight but he said he was busy all week..then he texts me saying oh we could have met up tonight..hmm..

KouignAmann Tue 26-Nov-13 20:42:39

Whether he is nervous or not he is making you feel unsure rather than good about yourself. I think he has to go OP! Let him convince you otherwise if he can.

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 20:48:40

well I have just texted back and problem, you seem quite busy.give me a shout when you are available..I will see if I am free and we can catch up...he has just texted back saying..."Im not busy on Friday..FRIDAYS FREE!!!!!"

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 20:48:49

Yeah, maybe I agree. Guess my exp and me just laughed through it ... It started happening again when he took antidepressants (is your man on them?) and at other times when he was stressed/tired/training for marathon etc. we did other stuff. Talked about it so it wasnt the elephant in the room. But not so much that it became an 'issue'. It's up to your bloke to get past it .. It was the first time FFS... Have you talked on the phone since sex?

MadeMan Tue 26-Nov-13 21:27:51

It sounds as though the mood wasn't right for you both OP, sometimes a man can't just click his fingers and get on with it, so he's probably a bit disappointed with himself that he couldn't perform as he would like to have done; especially if he knows he was well up for it with you on Saturday. Maybe that's why he seemed cold with you, he was really just pissed off with himself and doing the old 'push her away' defensive tactic.

See him on Friday and perhaps both of you try not to expect anything or force the situation. Drink some wine and have a game of cards sitting beside each other. smile

Hogwash Tue 26-Nov-13 22:08:18

He sounds a bit embarrassed and defensive.

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 22:11:00

right I just called him..he sounded really pleased to hear from me..we got talking and he said that yesterday felt unatural etc and he agreed that we had put pressure on ourselves. We have arranged to go out for a meal on Friday..he said it was lovely to hear my voice on the phone and sounded relieved..he admitted that he was very nervous and then when I had to leave straight afterwards..he thought I wasnt interested..

Cutitup Tue 26-Nov-13 22:11:04

Yeah - Friday! Go for it!

ProtectiveMother Tue 26-Nov-13 22:12:29

I agree with everyone who says give him a chance. I think he sounds like a gentleman (I'm in my early 30s by the way not 90.) ;-)

I also think this is to be expected for a nice guy on a first date. I agree with Galaxy that he might have been being respectful.


redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 22:16:16

Ahhhhhhh that sounds promising. Everyone feels pressure. Glad you talked! A meal on Friday sounds good, maybe go slower... Oooh the anticipation! (Can you tell it's been 2 months since I had sex - argh)

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 22:32:03

I think we rushed into things..because things got heated on was then kind of expected to finish what we started last night.fingers crossed Friday is ok

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 22:52:49

Well, you know what memory , you both know you like each other, fancy each other, want to take things further, and want to donut in your own time, and you can talk about it. That's more in a few dates than me and my DDs father could manage in 17 yrs (wonder why I wandered off and met exp)

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 22:53:33

Do it ... Not donut , doh

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 22:54:57

ha! ha! I was wondering what donut was..thought after 18 years with ex h I had missed out on exciting new sexual positions!grin

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 23:03:07

Well I'm sure ' donut ' could become something new and interesting.... (She says ...wistfully remembering that me and ex p were still discovering weird and interesting positions right up to when he dumped me)

A sticky jam donut? Oh, now I'm just bring smutty . ..

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 23:07:54

((mind boggles!)) I know that feeling..ex h and I had very varied sex life..I do still miss it..but not him..

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 23:12:49

Well, you have something new! Enjoy x

NickysMam Tue 26-Nov-13 23:15:00

At least he didn't kiss with his eyes open. what made me open my eyes, I'll never know but it creeped me the cluck out. He kept them open .. and then when I asked he said "I want to see you kissing me back" first and last date with that man. puke

redundantandbitter Tue 26-Nov-13 23:21:34

Mmm interesting. Think eyes closed is generally acceptable... Sneaking a peak is ok but on a first date?? Sheesh

NickysMam Tue 26-Nov-13 23:27:31

Sneaking a peek is what I did but his eyes were full on staring into my soul. I felt like he could predict my menstrual cycle after that!

memorylapse Tue 26-Nov-13 23:45:41

Open eyes whilst kissing..definitely a deal breaker for me..

Hogwash Wed 27-Nov-13 00:44:20


YouAreMyRain Wed 27-Nov-13 03:42:25

My exH was a terrible kisser at first, he sort of chewed on my lips and made them sore. blush Very odd but I successfully retrained him.

Current DP is a very reluctant snogger out of the bedroom, he does it beautifully but only when having sex. I found it very odd at first, wasn't sure if he fancied me etc, we had lots of dates but no snogging, then when we finally snogged for the first time we also had sex! (From first base to home run in one move!) strange to start with but then I realised that snogging all the time can just be really really frustrating so I'm used to it now.

SourSweets Wed 27-Nov-13 09:08:53

I'm sorry OP but I have to say, the expression is damp squib not damp squid grin although damp squid sounds like a pretty accurate description!

DownstairsMixUp Wed 27-Nov-13 09:17:05

Good luck for Friday OP! I agree with you though, kissing is important to me, hopefully that side of things will improve!

Lucylloyd13 Wed 27-Nov-13 09:22:23

It doesn't bode well if you want oral does it? But i would give him the benefit of the doubt if you like him. Take him to bed relax, it should come naturally.

memorylapse Wed 27-Nov-13 10:24:14

SourSweets-Ahh I know it is..but once I had pressed post..I couldn't change it..mind you think squid probably was more accurate grin

Well Lucy..actually on Monday..he wanted to give me oral..and in fact did blush

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 10:42:39

Ooh memory!

lighthousesea Wed 27-Nov-13 10:52:56

Kissing can definitely be taught. Not a deal breaker but still a bit of a concern.

HowlingTrap Wed 27-Nov-13 11:04:48

I wouldn't think too much into it he's probably nervous.

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 11:24:46

I agree . Kissing can be taught... What fun

comemulledwinewithmoi Wed 27-Nov-13 11:30:15

Hogwash... That clip... Oh dear

memorylapse Wed 27-Nov-13 14:27:18

yes bit shocked on that one as never even offered in the 18 years I was with H..I think nerves just been playing a big part all over for both of us..its been 18 years since I dated!

Stupidhead Wed 27-Nov-13 14:34:29

I went on a fantastic first date once, he kissed me exactly like that at the end. I didn't think he liked me BUT it was nerves and he needed to trust. Give him a chance ;)

^we were together 3 years, split in September and are now engaged..

memorylapse Wed 27-Nov-13 14:53:43

I am definitely giving him a chance smile he seems nice, level headed and kind..I get the impression he has been hurt badly the ending of his marraige.

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 15:35:12

Def give him another date if oral sex is ok the menu he sounds nice !

memorylapse Wed 27-Nov-13 20:58:15

Well we are going out again for a meal..he texted me saying I was lovely smile with reference to the OP I made..the kissing second time round was lovely..he is obviously just racked with nerves

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 21:04:48

Fabulous . Sounds v promising . Good luck .

OohBridget Wed 27-Nov-13 22:05:58

good luck op..hope he's practiced on his hand for you wink <snigger>

to the pp- My stbdh absolutely awful at snogging. I've tried to retrain to no avail. But he is the best fuck ever. His oral.. meh. His housework? win some you loose some.

redundantandbitter Wed 27-Nov-13 22:47:36

bridget I could live with that

OohBridget Wed 27-Nov-13 22:53:44

I think its a fair deal grin

Areyoumymummysnet Wed 27-Nov-13 23:16:18

I love my dh dearly, but oh god the man is an awful kisser. sad Once many years ago I broached this gently. I almost broke his heart and he refused to kiss, cuddle or shag for ages. I had to apologise over and over. sad sad

butterballs9 Fri 29-Nov-13 13:05:35

This thread is hilarious! Well, I do think there is a correlation between how good someone is in bed and how they kiss but it is not necessarily a very close one. I think what is also very important, if you are wanting a good intimate relationship, is how he touches you. That might be even more important than kissing.

A man who knows how to touch can literally turn you to jelly. It's happened to me a few times. I literally went into a swoon for several hours and had to lie down.

A fantastic kisser is also a rare treat. I was once kissed by probably the best looking man I had ever seen. He no doubt had masses of experience with women. Boy, did he know how to kiss. Completely knocked my socks off. I was too much of a prude to take it any further, although he wanted to. Probably missed what would have been the best sex ever. I just know it would have been awesome.

But I was too hooked up on being the 'nice girl who doesn't do it'. Sigh!
Also, although I could see that objectively he was fantastically good looking but actually I wasn't really 'that' into him. He was almost too good looking. So the chemistry wasn't very high - at least for me. I think I was probably slightly intimidated by him and not confident enough.

MonkeysInTheFog Fri 29-Nov-13 13:17:17

Butterballs - not necessarily. See my earlier post (fantastic kisser/rubbish at the rest).

And even if he'd been above average in bed he probably wouldn't have been as good as his kissing implied iykwim.

OohBridget Fri 29-Nov-13 13:30:04

I met one of those once. He was literally gods gift. I swear he made me orgasm just looking at me!

Eventually I struck up a conversation with him. Soon came crashing to earth. What s knobjockey.

Hogwash Fri 29-Nov-13 18:51:58

Bump, bump, bump, it's Friday - just hunted this thread down. I hope OP will remember to update.

Twinklestein Fri 29-Nov-13 19:51:54

A male friend of mine who started off gay and became straight said that of the people he had snogged, (and there's been quite a few), more men were bad kissers than women. "Hard and jabby" is how he described it.

Thumbwitch Fri 29-Nov-13 22:02:54

OohBridget - does your DH have a tongue tie? Can he stick his tongue right out? Cos if not, that might be the problem. My DH has a tongue tie that was never dealt with and isn't the best kisser either, although he's definitely not the worst!

memorylapse Sat 30-Nov-13 23:23:14

Ok, last night we went out for a meal..had a lovely evening, enjoying each others company..he complimented me lots of times on how I looked..and ditto..we left and went back to his..this time the equipment was in full working order and I have realised that I love kissing him! He was obviously nervous the first time..he is very tactile which I like..he is still even lovelier..(makes mental note to self..NOT to jump in feet first)..we are now going to see how it goes..we are going out again..he has texted and told me how much he enjoyed last night smile..we are going out again tomorrow..

redundantandbitter Sat 30-Nov-13 23:38:29

WHOOO a happy story at last... Perseverance !

Yey to you , meal and tactile lover...sigh ... Good on you x

memorylapse Sun 01-Dec-13 09:19:13

Thanks Redundant smile I have been following your threads too..I finally left my H in May 2012 eighteen months after he declared he no longer loved me..I suspected OW but couldnt prove and he denied it..I finally discovered the evidence this had been going on for three years.

She then dumped he came crawling back to me and I told him to get lost..this is the first time that I have actually felt ready to embark on anything with someone else..the last two years have consisted of healing and discovering who I am..I have almost weakened and had him back many a time but he was an EA and I would rather be without anyone..than with him...

redundantandbitter Sun 01-Dec-13 09:42:06

Oh memory!

Why not just tell you he had OW! How stupid is he to think you wouldn't guess? Apologies,but he doesn't sound v bright. And if he thinks YOU'RE that daft then you are most certainly better off alone.

I was bloody miserable with my DDs father - woukd rather have noone than him. I dearly loved my Exp
(Yes I was OW) but he's moved on. Just goes to show they don't learn, stumbling from one mistake to the next.

Good on you got not taking him back, that must have been hard. And NOW you have something positively lovely. I hope you both have a great first Xmas together x

halfwildlingwoman Sun 01-Dec-13 10:09:05

Ahh, he sounds lovely. Enjoy it! There's a poster on another thread who was rather sadly saying that their snogging days are over.I hope she's reading this for encouragement.

You have brought back a lovely memory of a fling I had in Scotland when I was young. He was a fantastic kisser and kept paying for my cabs! He did this incredibly erotic foreplay thing where he kissed every part of my body until I was just writhing with desire. I know the sex would have been amazing but his flatmate came home and had to sleep on the floor of the bedroom. Two days later he dumped me to go back to his tall rich blonde American girlfriend. (I'm brunette, 5,4 and skint) Damn.

memorylapse Sun 01-Dec-13 18:30:15

Redundant- oh it was obvious he was having an one point he even walked out and moved in with her..but they were just friends apparently ((laughs hysterically)) started when my youngest was new born..he has now told that it was because I was bad tempered and didnt pay him enough attention..I just think he is sad and pathetic..I personally think that now my H has got away with a three year affair..the next partner he has be it someone new or the OW ( not sure what is going on and do not really care) he will do it again..because he refuses to address the things that enabled him to give himself permission to have an affair..

redundantandbitter Sun 01-Dec-13 19:10:54

You are right . I am watching my exp jump from wife to me, from me to yoga lady in several years. So
Stupid really coz I would have stuck by him. Buy it's their loss, let them stumble while we work through the real
Issues here and in counselling which is costing me a bleedin fortune , I should invoice exp

memorylapse Tue 03-Dec-13 11:45:30

yes just remind yourself..the loss is his..not yours..I was where you are for a long time..until I nearly died from a bacterial infection in my hand last opened my eyes to the fact that I could stay in limbo for ever or move on....I also see him for the sad pathetic piece of work he really is and realise he was an EA from day one..I feel stronger and happier without him as my will get to that point..its early days but you will get there

Anniegetyourgun Tue 03-Dec-13 12:21:03

OK, it must be time to post some appropriate music.

I was tempted to post the karaoke version as it started with a delightful advert starring David Tennant and kittens. I normally avoid ones with adverts but there are of course exceptions. Still, karaoke is NOT the same.

sicily1921 Tue 03-Dec-13 16:28:32

memory give the guy a chance, he might just be really nervous!
Wishing you all the best with him seriously, if he's so nice you need to 'suck it and see' if you'll pardon the expression.

sicily1921 Tue 03-Dec-13 16:29:44

Oops sorry, didn't see the later thread, I'm glad all worked out! smile

memorylapse Wed 04-Dec-13 18:22:51

Well sadly..looks like it is not going anywhere..I don't expect to hear from him again..never mind..

Utterly Wed 04-Dec-13 18:33:27

Why is it not going anywhere?

Utterly Wed 04-Dec-13 18:33:43

Why is it not going anywhere?

memorylapse Wed 04-Dec-13 18:40:56

Well after a lovely night..heard nothing arrangements made to see each other again...sent him a friendly text late afternoon..and got very non commital thanks for a great night..text back..but that was it..he doesnt really contact me much and I often have to initiate kind of thinking..he sees me as a friends with benefits kind of thing which wasn't what I wanted

redundantandbitter Wed 04-Dec-13 19:07:05

Huh? Nooooooo

memorylapse Wed 04-Dec-13 19:15:05

Ah was nice while it lasted..

memorylapse Sun 12-Jan-14 21:03:25

just an update-still going strong, after an initial glitch, we see each other about twice a week,no idea where its going to go, if at all, will just take it as it comes

hermionepotter Sun 12-Jan-14 22:16:50

smile good news! I love an update OP, glad it's going well

birdybear Sun 12-Jan-14 22:28:57

Glad you updated !

redundantandbitter Sun 12-Jan-14 23:18:01


memorylapse Sun 12-Jan-14 23:48:17

I am treading very carefully as he blows hot and cold with me and for some bizarre reason he lied to me about his wifes name..then I discovered to my shock that we had a mutual friend on facebook..and discovered the story he told me about their break up wasnt quite wasnt a mutual seperation..but actually looks like she left him for someone else and a lot later than he told me..he had in fact only been seperated from his wife for a few months but it looks like she has well and truly moved self preservation mood is in full force..I do not wish to be someones rebound

FluffyJumper Mon 13-Jan-14 02:01:54

Hmm, well that sounds a bit dodgy - but so long as you're seeing him as a diversion rather than for keeps, then no harm.

Maybe you should just think of him as your rebound?

MillyRules Mon 13-Jan-14 02:41:37

Glad things are working out but if i were you i would stop the initiating and let him do it. You will feel that he really wants to be with you if he initiates dates rather than you.

Lweji Mon 13-Jan-14 06:30:29

Are you sure you're in self-preservation mode?
It sounds more like you are in hope mode and that's not a good start.

He's blowing hot and cold, lied about his ex's name, when they separated and the reason for it.

Get rid of him now before you get hurt.

I agree with Lweji, it just doesn't sound right. Leave him now before you're too emotionally involved.

Hissy Mon 13-Jan-14 07:34:26

Jesus christ! End this today.

The reasons his wife left seem to be increasingly justified.

You can't have a relationship with a liar.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Mon 13-Jan-14 08:15:19

Hissy - I don't think it would be fair to presume to know why his marriage ended. It sounds like his wife left him for someone else, we can't speculate why.

Memory - have you spoken to him about why he lied to you? Hope you can put self preservation before any emotional attachment you might have to this guy.

Hoping there is a good explanation and that all stays well. smile

memorylapse Mon 13-Jan-14 09:23:11

I strongly suspect from her facebook page that she was having an affair and thats why she left, he told me she moved out as they were having a trial seperation in December 2012..that they then met up a few times to discuss possible reconciliation, she had moved three hours away to her parents..then he told me she asked to come back in the summer but then changed her mind when he wouldnt cancel a sponsored walk he had been training for , for a few months..that contact was sporadic from that point on wards until Oct when he didnt have any more contact with her..however..when I first met him, he said that his wife moved out, it was mutual, they fell out of love with each other, the now looks like she was having an affair, moved away to gather her thoughts, but got together with this guy just a few months later so was obviously dangling the carrot of reconciliation in her husbands face, before finally ending it, so I would say, he is pretty heart broken and given that it is so recent, there is no way he can be over her..I would say looking at her fb that she is pretty over him for definate, but I suspect deep down, he is clinging onto the hope she will come back and I am just a stop gap..having slept on it, I have decided to end this before it goes further, otherwise I will be the one who ends up heart broken

Hissy Mon 13-Jan-14 10:14:31

Love, you have been deceived by your ex (NOT your fault) and now this guy is being economical with the truth.

OK, OK, so it may have been through embarrassment, humiliation at having been cheated on, but you have a right to the truth to be able to make educated decisions.

If you can't trust him now, then it doesn't bode well.

The hot and cold business is alarming too. That's potentially manipulative, or signs that he's still not ready/hung up as you have said.

In ending this, you are making the right decision. Too much is wrong here. For whatever reason.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Mon 13-Jan-14 10:21:29

Agree with Hissy.

Well done on making that decision. Sorry though. It always sucks when something doesn't work out the way you were hoping.

wine and thanks

memorylapse Mon 13-Jan-14 11:25:38

I feel pretty gutted but I will not tolerate being lied to, if he can lie about something like that, what else has he lied to me about..I am well rid

Lweji Mon 13-Jan-14 11:42:21

Yes, I think so too.
I was reading your entire thread again this morning and it was full of insecurity on your part, caused by him.

You really don't want that.

memorylapse Mon 13-Jan-14 16:48:36

Yep, I had years of lies from my H and my self esteem ended up in my shoes, this man is obviously not over his wife, she isnt coming back, she is happily moved on, but that is irrelevant, he cannot try and use me as a comfort blanket to get over the heartbreak, I am not so heartless as to dump him by text or phone..I do not think he is being manipulative but simply not ready for another relationship right now, I am due to go there tomorrow although its anyones guess if he still wants me there as I dont hear anything from him unless I initiate, but I will go and explain that I dont want to see him again..I am not the woman I was before and I can very cheerfully walk away from something this new

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