Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He hit me

(132 Posts)
ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 08:54:01

Last night my boyfriend slapped me 4 times. I'm upset, in shock.

I've recently left a marriage and have 2 children. I've been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. He's slapped me a couple of times before but we've spoken, dealt with the issue and moved on. The children are not involved, they don't even know I'm/was seeing someone.

He called me a whore and hit me because another man had spoken to me in a shop, no flirting or anything.

He's screamed at me that it's over, I left after being knocked off my feet after the 4th slap.

Thing is I'm devastated. What's wrong with me? I would never tolerate this before yet I'm hoping he'll get in touch and apologise. I just needed to get this down as my heart is pounding, I feel sick and I need to put on a brave face for my children and act like nothing's happened. They were staying with my parents last night as was I.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 23-Nov-13 08:54:57

Dump him. Now.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 23-Nov-13 08:55:27

Oh and report him to the police. Very important.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 08:55:55

He's already dumped me by the looks of it. I feel stupid, weak and pathetic.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Sat 23-Nov-13 08:56:44

Never, ever see him again. He's dangerous and there is nothing you can say or do to change that.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 08:56:45

I'm scared of reporting him. Why? I can't get my head around it.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 23-Nov-13 08:56:57

Nope. No stupid, weak, and pathetic. That's actually HIS qualities, from the sounds of it.

But report it to the police. It's domestic assault.

Rosa Sat 23-Nov-13 08:57:05

If he does get in touch and apologizes, says it will never happen again , how much he loves you etc etc - you take him back and it will happen again and again and again - maybe next time he won't just slap you . get out of this relationship .....

Figgygal Sat 23-Nov-13 08:57:17

Christ he has hit you before and you still stayed if he is behaving like that after a few months what could he be like in the future. he is a complete Bad un get rid!!

Was your husband abusive?

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 08:57:45

I have to see him most days. Don't want to give too many details but there's somewhere I have to go and he's there every day.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 23-Nov-13 08:58:03

It sounds like you've been through the mill lately, poor you.

Please make sure you don't see him again. This guy will ruin your life.

You're not stupid but really do need to check that you have a zero tolerance policy to this behaviour from him. Even if he comes grovelling. You've accepted his apology twice before & its already got worse.

Take care of yourself and yes, call the police.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 23-Nov-13 08:58:41

Well, you don't have to talk to him. Just steer clear of him.

Strawberrykisses Sat 23-Nov-13 08:58:57

Call the police and report it. You are not stupid, weak or pathetic.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 23-Nov-13 08:59:00

It IS scary to report it. But it's also liberating to some extent. It reminds you that this behaviour is wrong (not to mention against the law). It shows him that he cannot treat people like that without consequences.

goshhhhhh Sat 23-Nov-13 08:59:01

You are not stupid, weak and pathetic. He is.
Remember you are strong and have nothing more to do with the paranoid shut. Get out now - you deserve better.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 08:59:23

My husband was controlling but not physically violent. I'm a mess. Children are unaware of anything though.

melanie58 Sat 23-Nov-13 08:59:25

What a bastard. Please don't hope for an apology. What good did his earlier apologies or discussions do? Thank goodness you have not been seeing him for long and the children know nothing about it. Don't get back with him whatever you do: he is not worthy of you. Hope you are feeling less shaky. Let your parents look after you today.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 09:01:29

I just feel like sobbing. I'm sorry. Just feel awful right now.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 23-Nov-13 09:01:30

The children know nothing about it. That's good.

The best way to carry on protecting them is to have absolutely nothing to do with this violent piece of work.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 23-Nov-13 09:01:56

If you're worried about repercussions from seeing him wherever this place is (work?), then tell the police that. They will give you advice on how to handle it and what specifically to do in case of any problems.

Don't get back with him and don't let him bully you. Report it - it will protect you if he causes you any further problems.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 23-Nov-13 09:02:46

Work? School gate?

This is not your fault.

EeyoreIsh Sat 23-Nov-13 09:03:48

You have no reason to feel stupid, weak or pathetic. You did the right thing in getting to your parents' house.

Draw a line under the relationship and move on. Even if you have to see him everyday you can do so with your head held high as you have done nothing wrong.

I would seriously consider reporting it to the police. He needs to learn that his behaviour was criminally wrong.

Take it easy today, and let your parents spoil you and the kids.

JoinTheDots Sat 23-Nov-13 09:04:41

You are not weak, stupid, or pathetic. You went from one controlling relationship to another. Now is your chance to break the cycle.

He probably will get in touch, say sorry, say he did not mean it, he saw red and it wont happen again - he loves you, he will do anything to get you back etc. DO NOT LISTEN. Replay the moment he hit you in your head. Remember how you felt. Think about the fact this was not the first time - it will not be the last. And the flash point? Someone in a shop spoke to you? People, including men, are going to talk to you, is he going to hit you every time?

Please please please do not take this man back. He is dangerous. Imagine if one of your children ever witnessed this? Report him to the police, and do not ever give him another chance.

You are worth more than this, you can find someone who actually loves you and does not want to control or hurt you.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 09:05:51

Thank you all for your responses. My heart is pounding, I'm absolutely gutted. Can't believe it went that far last night. My whole body is shaking. Sorry for going on about it but I just can't work it out in my head sad

Of course you feel awful - you've been through a lot by the sounds of it and you have just been assaulted, not for the first time.

Report him to the police.
Get some counselling support arranged for yourself to find you own self again - you know, the person who knows how wrong it is to hit anybody, the person who knows she deserved better that this, the person, who trusts her own judgments.

Poor you sad.
If you cannot avoid seeing him (?place of work), then it is even more important that you report him and even consider being v upfront to others there about what happened. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, it's him who should be hanging his head in shame (but probably won't). Get him charged with assault.

If you see him again (he may come back and apologise and say all the right things), he will hit you again and harder.

Be kind to yourself. And do the right thing by your children. Get out.

There is nothing for you to work out - he is a dangerous wanker. Get rid.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 23-Nov-13 09:10:50

Yes, if it is work, make sure you tell someone, perhaps your supervisor or someone in HR and point out that you are worried there may be repercussions from him when police contact him. That way they will keep an eye on things.

Do not meet with him, talk to him, or be alone with him.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 23-Nov-13 09:10:51

Of course you can't work it out!!! That's because it's totally abnormal to hit another person.

Please please, tell someone in rl today. Tell someone who'll be kind to you today and talk it through and give you tlc.

Please, please, please don't stay with him. If you need motivation for this, just think about your children. What if he hit them? What if he does it again, knocks you off your feet and you hit your head and get seriously injured??? What happens to your kids then??

Please- you can't be with someone who does this. You know that so please be strong and stay away from him.

stickysausages Sat 23-Nov-13 09:11:04

Firstly, I'm so sorry you've gone through this sad

Of course you're upset, not only has a relationship ended, but you've been violently attacked & will be in shock about that.

Please report him, if you don't I worry he might think it's ok to get back in touch, or to threaten/bully you in future.

Be kind to yourself, don't suffer in silence. Without wanting to sound crass, you've had a 'lucky' escape, both from a physical point of view, but also before you invested any more in the relationship thanks

MichaelaS Sat 23-Nov-13 09:11:17

Please report him to the police. It is best for everyone, including him. Best he gets pulled up in this rather than waiting until he hospitalises or kills someone, the shock might make him get help and change.

Best for you to draw a firm boundary of not tolerating this, and to get advice on coping with him is you do have to see him most days.

And best by far for any future partners of his that he is called out on his behaviour now rather than allowed to go unchallenged.

Sorry this has happened to you OP. I agree with the others, in that it will only get worse.

If you take him back, and allow this relationship to develop, ,at some point in the future he will meet your children. Develop some kind of relationship with them (good or bad) What will he do if he disagrees with one of them? Slap them?

This man is not worth your time. Please don't accept him back.

stickysausages Sat 23-Nov-13 09:12:32

Also, this shows that you shouldn't ignore the warning signs. He hit you before, it wasn't a one off.

Monetbyhimself Sat 23-Nov-13 09:17:35

You have been assaulted. Of course you are shaken. You can call the police on the non emergency number.

But for your sake and your childrens, you must not let him worm his way back to you. You deserve so much more. I wish I'd had the wisdom of MN 20 years ago. My life might have been so very different.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 09:23:07

It sounds to me as though you're in shock. I would be in shock if somebody did something so surprising, violent and painful.

I second everyone's advice to ring the police and report the assualt.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 09:28:44

Thank you all. I'm on my phone and sorting out my children so apologies for any delay. I just feel so completely lost. What's wrong with me? I know he would be up now and yet he's not even bothered to apologise. I don't even get that. I know it's over, I couldn't go back but why do I want him to say sorry to me? Feel like I'm going mad sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 23-Nov-13 09:36:15

There's nothing wrong with you but you really should report the assault to the police. He's clearly a manipulative as well as abusive man and that type is a) very very dangerous and b) capable of convincing you that being assaulted is not his responsibility. You want him to say sorry to you because you want to believe he cares. He doesn't.

If you don't report him to the police it sounds like you will be creeping about avoiding him. If anyone else had treated you this way, you wouldn't hesitate.

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 09:41:50

This is a police issue now. I can't urge you enough to report him. It's not the first time. You MUST not allow him back in your life. He has probably done this before and will certainly do it again . Please call the police . Tell them your concerns over seeing him. There are things they can put in place . Do it today. Please.

What cogito said.

There is nothing wrong with you - other than that you were hit.
There is quite a lot wrong with him.

He may apologise, only to draw you back in. Not because he regrets his actions or because he actually cares.

pictish Sat 23-Nov-13 09:50:17

OP - tough love time.
You need to get a grip of yourself. Your self esteem is so low, that you imagine that it can only fulfilled and validated by this piece of shit.
You are better than that.

Fuck his apologies and fuck this ludicrous sham of a relationship. You're a few months in for God's sake. He does not have to feature in your life with his violence and control, treating you like a fucking muppet and slapping you about.

If this is what he's like a few months in, he will end up battering you. And you with kids in the house as well.
Wake up from your selfish neediness, and see this for what it is. An abomination.
Come on now!

extracrunchy Sat 23-Nov-13 09:51:48

Get out now - and report him if you can! This is months into your relationship. Imagine how he'd be if you were properly settled. There is no long term prospect here - do you want this man around your children?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. This man doesn't deserve to be within 100 feet of you.

pictish Sat 23-Nov-13 09:56:52

I disagree that there is nothing wrong with you. There is obviously something needing fixed if you are sitting there waiting for a new boyfriend who has belted you six times in the last few months, to phone up and make his worthless apologies, so you can carry on seeing him.

You need help with this OP. I'm going to suggest starting with Women's Aid 0808 2000 247.

You need support and help to pick yourself back up from the treatment you have endured, and obviously feel the need to tolerate. You owe yourself and your children a sense of self worth. I really hope you are able to seek the assistance you need.

I'm not even going to elaborate further on him, because there is nothing to say. He is not fit to lick your boots.

tribpot Sat 23-Nov-13 09:57:09

He's playing you, so that by the time his "non-apology apology" comes in you are so desperate for contact from him that you're willing to take any old shite he comes up with. Most likely "I'm sorry that I am so in love with you that I get jealous when you talk to other men" or "I'm sorry that you drove me to it, I know you won't let that happen again if you care about me".

Please call Women's Aid. There is a pattern here. He's slapped you 'a couple of times' before - what the hell could he possibly have said the second time that made that seem okay?? You tolerated it so he's escalated. And very rapidly as well - you've been seeing this guy for a few months?? Imagine what he'll be capable of when you've been together for a year.

You've been assaulted. Call the police. Tell your parents. Do not be ashamed and afraid, that's what he wants. You're craving affection after the end of your marriage. He knows that, and he's exploiting your vulnerability.

pictish Sat 23-Nov-13 09:59:15

Agree with Trib.

Have a look at the Freedom Programme.

I agree that your perception of your self-worth is skewed, but there's nothing wrong with for for not understanding why he is doing these things. That is for him to figure out, not you.

pictish Sat 23-Nov-13 10:03:57


GinAndIt Sat 23-Nov-13 10:05:08

I never post on these threads but, OP, this has made my jaw drop.

You must never, ever return to this man. His 'apology', if it ever comes, is worth nothing. He is worth nothing.

He has already hit you SIX times. This last time for talking to someone in a shop.

You haven't dealt with any issue, or moved on. Because you can't. This will NEVER get better. This is NOT salvageable. Please don't ever fool yourself into thinking that it might be.

You're not stupid or weak or pathetic. But you are in a very dangerous place. You need to get your head straight, right now, report him and phone women's aid.

There is absolutely no going back from this. This kind of man could kill you.

Please stay away from him, or have people around at the place you go.

My father was/is like this. It won't change.

Only1scoop Sat 23-Nov-13 10:09:52

Op please stop "trying to work this out in your head" there is nothing to work out. He is a violent control freak who if you stay with him ....will wear you down and make you feel like its you. You will walk on egg shells....loose friends and very possibly end up in hospital.

I am speaking from an experience I had and it started EXACTLY like this. I didn't have children at the time. You are a not have anything to do with him. You do not have to see this person everyday. Make sure you don't.

I called Police when the slaps turned to punches and he broke my jaw. I wish I'd never waited that long.

I'm sorry this post is a little brutal but I could have written your post 10 years ago.

Preciousbane Sat 23-Nov-13 10:16:00

Please do speak to Womens aid they will assist you practically with stuff like reporting to the police but also help you emotionally. Understanding why you feel the way you do is the first step of not getting involved with abusive men and sadly there is frequently a pattern. You have been out with two abusive men and be careful not to minimise your ex H behaviour. Just because he didn't hit you doesn't make it ok.

Also don't risk your dc being exposed to violence. Because I grew up in a violent household when my first H hit me I thought it was normal and suffered for 7 years at the hands of the bastard.

Only1scoop Sat 23-Nov-13 10:17:06

Also....there is nothing wrong with you are just a nice person who can't quite comprehend why anyone would assault someone like this....this I feel is why you would like him to apologise/explain to you.
You don't need an apology from this violent man.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sat 23-Nov-13 10:25:56

I agree with all the previous posters. You need to give him the elbow and report him to the police.

sending hugs x

Lweji Sat 23-Nov-13 10:45:10

What everyone else has said.

Even if he apologised, it would mean nothing. It's not even the first time it happened.
You must report it and drop this man to protect yourself and, most importantly, your children. Can you imagine you living together and him starting to slap them aswell? You simply cannot risk it.

Also because you see him regularly, it's important that he knows you've reporte it and that you will if he harasses you or is in any way threatening.

redundantandbitter Sat 23-Nov-13 10:57:25

OP - if a man walked up to you in the street and hit you so hard you were knocked over, would you accept a 'sorry'. Your answer is NO

Is this 'normal' behaviour? NO

Phone police now

myroomisatip Sat 23-Nov-13 10:58:51

What everybody else is saying is true.

You should report him to the police. It does not mean that it will end up in Court but I imagine an office will speak to him.

After many years I eventually called the police over my Ex's abusive behaviour. It was very hard because my Ex was not violent so it was just my word against his. Luckily I had thought to record his ranting on my phone.

Abuse escalates. Please protect yourself and never involve yourself with his scum again.

forumdonkey Sat 23-Nov-13 11:08:50

Please pick up the phone and report the assault to the police. You were assaulted - you would if a stranger had done it in the street. I am in fear for you. You have only being seeing this thug a few months and he has had his hands on you and so hard it knocked you off your feet. What was the terrible thing you did - FUCK ALL a man spoke to you and he called you a whore. He is violent and controlling in the highest degree. I assume if your DC's don't know you are seeing anyone that you don't see him all the time and he has done this previously so this is all in the very start of a new relationship - how bad could he get if it was to continue or become more serious?

Please don't wait for an apology and never go back to him whatever remorse he shows. Do it for your DC's as much as yourself and please just phone the police - you have no idea what previous convictions he may have.

Finola1step Sat 23-Nov-13 11:12:13

I agree with other posters. He is in the wrong. Stop trying to get your head around this - you can't because it's abuse.

He has physically attacked you and is emotionally and mentally abusing you. All this after just a few short months. This is vv scary. He is capable of hurting you very badly. Or worse.

You owe this man nothing. He is a boyfriend and a shit one at that. He is not your partner, not the father of your children. It does not matter if you have to see him every day. He means nothing.

Now come on. Time to get angry. You need to protect yourself and your children from this violent bully.

No contact. He's dead to you. Report him to the police. Then you need to start working on yourself. Do not go back.

LEMisafucker Sat 23-Nov-13 11:12:25

Oh don't worry, he'll be back in touch. He wont apologise though, you are encouraging other men to notice you so of course he was angry. He wants to make you sweat for a bit, when he feels better and his pride has recovered and he feels like a bit of loving ,he'll come back to you. Do not mention the silliness it will embarrass him and make him on edge again. Just be gracious, make him dinner or entice him back to bed. Then it will all be forgotten and you can get back to normal.

Until next time

qazxc Sat 23-Nov-13 11:17:48

of course your head is all over the place, abusers generally mentally and emotionally abuse before becoming physical.
It's not your fault. what would you recommend if a friend or sister or daughter came to you saying that her boyfriend was slapping her so hard she was knocked off her feet for talking to another man?
Go to the police, talk to people around you in RL, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

OP, he is a wrong 'un. And very dangerous

Put yourself and your kids first and stay away from him.

Loveyouthree Sat 23-Nov-13 11:22:50

Oh Rocks sad

I used to be with someone a bit like this. We didn't live together, so he'd do awful things to me then go back home and I'd be gutted; watching the clock thinking "He'll be awake now.. He'll be on his lunch break now.. Why hasn't he text?"

Tribpot is right.

In fact, one morning things got so bad I had to get the police to remove him from my house. I then spent the next few days crying because he didn't turn up at my house demanding I let him in

Looking back now, I know I was being totally manipulated. And so, so glad I got rid.

MonkeysInTheFog Sat 23-Nov-13 11:33:14

Sadly, given your desperation for him to get in touch and apologise, it's clear you'd take him back. Chances are he WILL end up apologising. And of course he'll carry on hitting you and it will get worse.

There are hundreds of threads like this on MN and in the vast majority of cases the OP takes the abusive DP back at least once and usually more. It doesn't matter how many posters beg her not to.

So the most practical and realistic advice is probably to make sure your children are safe. Don't introduce them to your delightful new BF no matter how much he seems sorry - at some point he will comfortable enough to abuse you in front of them. Is their dad on the scene at all? Are measures in place/in writing as to what happens to them if anything happens to you?

Hopefully you'll be in the minority of victims who kick their attacker to the kerb immediately. However statistics, and your obvious wish to have him back suggest otherwise so just make sure your children are ok, yes?

Good luck.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sat 23-Nov-13 11:38:30

You don't need to "get your head around" his behaviour. You don't need to understand it. That's what leads to you making excuses for his behaviour.

You don't need apologies. You just need to stay away from him. How would you feel if you gave him another chance and he clobbered one of your children? And don't say he wouldn't... if he can hit you, he can hit them. Don't give him the chance.

Monkeys, sadly I think you may be right.

rocks, if you are still reading, yes, keep your kids safe. Do what you feel able to do to keep yourself safe.
Keep this thread. And reread it from time to time.

I hope you find the strength before he hurst you again sad.

MonkeysInTheFog Sat 23-Nov-13 11:43:39

LEM is right actually. He probably won't apologise - or else it will be a half hearted "Turn it back round onto you" type of affair.

"I know I was a bit out of order babe but it's just because I love you so much and I get so jealous when you flirt" etc etc.

And you're going to fall for it.

oldgrandmama Sat 23-Nov-13 11:45:34

OP, listen to the others. Don't take him back. Don't see him, take his calls, texts whatever. And report him to the Police. He'll do it again and probably turn on the kids too, if you let him back into your life. And for what it's worth, what he just did to you is a beating, not 'just' a slapping.

EeyoreIsh Sat 23-Nov-13 11:47:13

woah there, I don't think it's helpful to tell rocks that she'll take him back etc.

She's clearly in a really fragile place and needs support from here, not judging for something she hasn't done yet.

rocks, I hope you're doing ok. It's fine to be confused and upset, someone you love has broken your trust and physically harmed you. lean on the support you have and focus on you and your kids.


GinAndIt Sat 23-Nov-13 11:57:48

Agree with eeyore. Telling a woman (who already thinks she's 'weak and pathetic') that you know she's just going to ignore advice and take him back anyway is not helpful or supportive. Can we stop with the 'seen it all before' stuff please?

rocks, you can do this. You must do this. Keep safe.

pictish Sat 23-Nov-13 11:59:28

Don't be the sort of woman who puts hanging onto her new boyfriend ahead of her children on the priority list OP. Particularly when that new boyfriend has proven himself to be dangerous, violent, controlling and unstable.
Your children will not thank you for introducing this animal into their lives...neither will they ever understand why you did so. They will see it as you putting your own selfish, fucked up needs before their own. That's not to say they wouldn't feel sorry for you, but they would have no respect for you at all after he has damaged the lot of you with his abuse. Which he will. You will have brought him in after all, and then sought to keep him there.

You don't need a man. You especially don't need this man.
Your kids DO need a mum.
Put them first each and every time. You have a choice...they do not.

Sorry to be harsh and all that, but you have got to see where this is leading. Nowhere good.
Get him to fuck.

NightOfTheCactus Sat 23-Nov-13 11:59:55

The whole "dumping" you and giving himself time to "apologise" is all part of the game I'm afraid rocks. That in itself sounds like a type of emotional abuse on top of the physical stuff, chipping away at your self-esteem so you become fooled into thinking that you need him.

I am so sorry that you've gone from one abusive relationship to another - you have had a long time with men chipping at your self-esteem, and I agree with some others that you need to find some way of building your self-esteem again, so you can realise that you are better off on your own than allowing anyone like this into your life.

If he knocked you off your feet, did he leave a mark anywhere on your body from hitting you? If so, I would suggest getting that photographed ASAP as further evidence

You and your kids do not deserve to have this shit in your life.

MonkeysInTheFog Sat 23-Nov-13 12:00:15

The point is she'll do whatever she wants to do regardless of what anyone says.

My predicting she'll take him back isn't going to make any difference. Nor are hundreds of posts begging her to stay away from him.

Anyone on MN who has been here for more than a couple of hours knows that.

So - the most useful advice to give her is to make sure her kids are OK. Presumably if the dad is around they'd go to him but if not, depending on whether OP has much family, she might or might not have a guardianship thing in place. Me and DH had to do that as we don't really have any relations. It's worth thinking about, in the same way as you'd get this sort of thing organised if you were going to do a bungee jump, or swim the channel, or climb Everest, or embark on any other hazardous activity.

pictish Sat 23-Nov-13 12:00:53

Again - please speak to Women's Aid. They are experts in this, and they can and will help you. x

BillyBanter Sat 23-Nov-13 12:03:33

He hot you twice before and you did not sort it out. YOU DID NOT SORT IT OUT. if you had he would not have hit you again. He is violent and will get worse and worse if you let him back. 3 beatings in a few months? It'll be 3 a week soon enough. Any apology uill be accompanied by telling you why it was your is not your fault. It is 100% his fault.

You cannot change him.
You can only change what you accept/how you respond to him.

Him hitting you is not your fault.
You keeping yourself and your kids safe, is within your power.

Contact Woman's Aid - they will help you to find this strength and in all sorts of practical respects as well.

I hope you are still reading.

You can't "sort it out" with men like him.
You just can't.

His apology would be worthless anyway because he wouldn't mean it. If he was sorry, he wouldn't do it in the first place.

This is not something outside of his control.

If he couldn't control it he'd do it to everyone all the time. But he doesn't, does he?

Physical abuse is another form of control. And it's not unusual to gravitate toward another controlling man. That does NOT mean there's something wrong with you. It just means you're more vulnerable right now.

Please, please report him. He has committed a serious crime.

I think, going forward, you should consider some counselling and stay away from relationships until you are ready.

lulu1971 Sat 23-Nov-13 12:30:04

Ontherocks. I am sorry that you are going through this. In whatever decision you decide to make please hang onto this thought.

People who love someone, who truly care about DON'T hurt them, either physically, emotionally or mentally. Instead they cherish them, look after them and show their love for that person. They don't smack them about when the mood take them.

I hope you make the right decision. X

DeMaz Sat 23-Nov-13 12:44:12


What would you say if it was one of your childrens partners hitting them? What would you advise?

He's started hitting you, two months into the relationship. If you stay with him he may move on to your children next. Please don't stay with him!

tinmug Sat 23-Nov-13 12:55:58

I just can't work it out in my head

There is nothing to work out. He's a fucking piece of shit. It really, truly IS that simple. It needs no analysis, no thought, no further explanation. There's no great mystery to be cracked here, he's not a great guy underneath it all, you don't need to make allowances for him. He is vile.

muddylettuce Sat 23-Nov-13 14:48:23

You've been assaulted. This is not normal or right or anything you could have prevented and you are not to blame. Call the police and end the relationship. You don't have to work anything out in your head. Good luck. X

VulvaVoom Sat 23-Nov-13 15:09:27

My father was violent to my DM, she left him when I was 2. Do you think I would have a close relationship with her now if she'd stayed and I'd witnessed any more of it? No, I'm grateful because she got out, she did what she knew was best for me and her and I'm eternally grateful to her for that. Don't let your DCs go through this.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 15:32:11

Thank you for all of your advice and support. I couldn't bring myself to tell my parents so I've come to a friends house. He sent me a text asking if I would talk to him which I ignored. He then sent me another message saying he was drunk (no excuse whatsoever) he vaguely remembers some stuff that happened, he feels absolutely awful, he's sorry, I didn't deserve it etc. I've also ignored that. I'm not as shaky anymore and reading your messages has really helped put everything into perspective.

I will not take him back. As I said in my initial post I have to see him most days. Do you think I should respond saying something along the lines of that he's never to contact me again or approach me when he sees me or should I just carry in ignoring him? I really don't feel up to contacting the police.

FluffyJumper Sat 23-Nov-13 15:41:27

I might send one text saying 'pleas do not contact again or approach me if you see me'. And then leave it at that. No more responses, no matter what he says/does.

Only1scoop Sat 23-Nov-13 15:45:04

Op so glad you have updated. Tell him to never contact you again and stand by it. I went back a second time after the apologies/remorse and paid the price. In my experience this wont be first time. Please don't see him again. Take care x

Only1scoop Sat 23-Nov-13 15:46:45

I meant to say "wont be the first time he's assaulted a woman"
A controlling man is very dangerous
Be safe

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 15:48:50

One text. "If you approach me again, in any form and for any reason, your next conversation will be with the police".

Then do not engage but keep all texts etc as proof of harassment.

Well, ultimately it's up to you if you contact the police or not. But this man is dangerous, will no doubt go on to harm other women and IMO the police should know about him.

However, what you do need to do is realise there is nothing wrong with you except a need to see the best in people and you're having a hard time with someone showing you just how awful they are inside. He is a bastard, it's difficult to accept this is true of people, especially when you have given them your trust.

You've had a lucky escape. He's paranoid, violent and controlling. Flying into a rage because you spoke to another man?!?! WTF?

Consider it a lesson learned, be a little less trusting in future perhaps, but please know you had nothing to do with what a cunt this man is.

Branleuse Sat 23-Nov-13 15:49:15

i wouldnt even text him anything. Hes not even doing you the honour of leaving you alone after what hes done, because he thinks hes good enough for you.

Only1scoop Sat 23-Nov-13 15:53:55

Misty agree. Otherwise he will keep texting.

GinAndIt Sat 23-Nov-13 16:02:16

He knows full well what he's done, rocks, and I'll even accept that he may well be feeling sorry and guilty and upset about it, at the moment.

Tough shit. He's done it before, he'll do it again. There will always be a next time.

You've done well to ignore his contact so far. I would agree that you send a single text along the lines of mist's suggestion, and then block, ignore, delete, whatever. Then you have a record of the fact that you asked him to leave you alone, and you can maintain a record of anything he replies. But no other contact.

If you have to see him soon, can you make sure someone else is the with you?

And please, reconsider contacting the police. He is a very violent and unpredictable man; if it's not you, it may be some other woman.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 16:09:20

Don't believe a word about him being drunk and all that crap. It's all lies- he knows what he did. I expect he's done this to many women and you are not the first nor will be the last.

And for that reason you ought to make a complaint to the police. It's up to you- no one can force you- but if it was rape, would you report it then? What he did was an act of violence- like rape. If he carries on unchallenged, either by you not reporting, or other women, he'll keep doing it.

I think no matter how hard I found it, I'd feel duty bound to tell the police to protect other women- as if it was any kind of assault.

EdieSedgwick Sat 23-Nov-13 16:10:25

OP, It is rare for me to post, but please listen to these women. They are all right. Your head cannot understand as it is abnormal, disturbing and violent behaviour. His apology will mean nothing as he is a typical abuser. There is nothing wrong with you, and he is expoliting your vulnerability and low self esteem after your divorce. I hope you're safe and have listened to this great advice. Take care x OP, take this time to learn to recognise these men and how they work.. I am so sorry this happened to you x

Oh, I am glad you are safe just now and that you sound so resolute smile.

Hm. I think I'd switch my phone off.
Or yes, simply say "The next time you contact me for ANY reason, I will speak to the police". And then do.

Much love and strength.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 16:15:29

Is the reason you don't want to report him because you have to see him day to day ( where?) and you fear the outcome- or because you feel you are to 'blame' in some way?
Neither is a real reason to keep this quiet.

If he slapped you hard enough to knock you off your feet- presumably across your face? - you must have bruises? Evidence?

The next woman may not be so lucky- she might end up dead.

Please report this- the police will be sympathetic and kind to you.

Mattissy Sat 23-Nov-13 16:23:14

Dump him, you've had a lucky escape. Put it down to experience and move on.

Been there, did it 6 years, wish I'd got out early.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 16:27:06

Please report this to the police. You don't know what might happen the next time's had a drink or a bad day or whatever.

Timeforabiscuit Sat 23-Nov-13 16:35:41

I know you don't feel up to it, but please call the police.

Firstly, he has done this to you and this will help you move away from him.

He will in all likelihood do this again to someone else, he may get worse, he may have done this many times before.

The next person may not be able to show the strength you have done, may not have the friends, may not have their own children to put first like you have.

Making sure people know is a form of protection for you, it makes it easier to see when people like this are manipulating your feelings and playing off your instincts.

He made hitting you seem ok - that makes him very very dangerous.

You have strength, you just need some belief that you are in control not the situation.

BasilDalekEater Sat 23-Nov-13 16:38:57

ontherocks can I recommend this book?

It is possibly the most comprehensive study of abusive men and will enable you to spot this bloke and also see the red flags when you come across men in the future. It will help you to avoid them.

It's up to you whether you report or not, but I think PacificDogwood's suggestion is a good one. If he texts you after that, then you probably should call the police, for your own and your DC's protection. Men like this don't like being dumped - it takes the control out of their hands. They can escalate the behaviour and if you already have it on file that he has attacked you, the police will deal with any future incidences quicker.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 16:39:29

OP you don't have to press charges. A friend of mine reported/called the police one evening during a heated row with her DH who is a big man, and who made her feel threatened when he pinned her to the wall, shouting. He was given a good talking to but no charges. You can control this - they will talk to him. If you fear the outcome then tell them. I don't know how or why your paths cross everyday but if it doesn't cause you any upset to change that, then I'd try to avoid him too- not out of fear, just to make life easier.

BasilDalekEater Sat 23-Nov-13 16:40:11

Oh and yes, it's a good idea to make sure that everyone knows the reason your relationship ended, is because he hit you.

Secrecy is the abuser's friend.

YoDiggity Sat 23-Nov-13 16:50:17

He's playing you, so that by the time his "non-apology apology" comes in you are so desperate for contact from him that you're willing to take any old shite he comes up with. Most likely "I'm sorry that I am so in love with you that I get jealous when you talk to other men" or "I'm sorry that you drove me to it, I know you won't let that happen again if you care about me".

That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. But seeing as how he has now been in touch he was obviously hoping you'd come begging to him first, and since that didn't work he can't just walk away and leave it so he's been forced to offer an apology of sorts to get back in control of you and of the situation. (which I bet he's furious about incidentally, because already you are stronger than he thought you were, and he's having to work at breaking you back down again with all this emotional manipulation.

DO NOT BACK DOWN ON THIS. Not ever. If he's like this after a few months and he can't even face up to what he did and tries to pretend he 'vaguely remembers' doing something awful when drunk hmm then you have NO HOPE of this relationship ever being healthy or normal and he will turn you slowly into a basket case.

And you absolutely SHOULD report him, because this is not an out of character one-off incident due to stress, is it? This is the way he is. And the way he will continue to be. If you report him chances are you'll find out he has form for this. And you could be doing the next poor woman a favour.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 16:53:55

OP is not personally responsible for every other woman's safety. If she can't bring herself to report him, there could be good reasons for that and even if there isn't I don't think she should be put under too much pressure to do so.

Abbykins1 Sat 23-Nov-13 16:57:38

He's a *unt.

ouryve Sat 23-Nov-13 17:00:10

Run. Very far. He's not even waited until you're a long term couple. It will only get worse if you stick with him.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:02:04

so mist would you same the same about rape?

Both are assaults against women. One just happens to be with a penis and not a hand/fist.

wontletmesignin Sat 23-Nov-13 17:03:35

There is nothing wrong with you!
There is something wrong with him, and im afraid it is something that cannot be fixed.

Stay well away from him. If you work with him, then inform your supervisor.
Ring the police. Dont let him get away with this.

Stop wantig an apology too. Even if he did say sorry, the words would be hollow.
He does not deserve another second of your thoughts.

Phone womens aid also, they are a great help.
And dont be scared to confide in your friends and family. You need all the support you can get.

What he has done is awful. You deserve so much more.

Take care and stay strong xx

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 17:03:39

I am saying it OP's choice about what she does. It doesn't matter what you or I would do. I would also support a woman who had been raped if she couldn't bring herself to report it. Would you not, Ann ?

GillyBillyWilly Sat 23-Nov-13 17:09:16

Never ever see this cunt again unless you absolutely have to... And IF you have to, take a friend/family member with you.
Involve the police if you want to.... Many women would... Many wouldn't.... But either way, realise you can do a million times better and cut him out your life.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:12:48

All I think -Mist- is that at this stage the right thing to do is try to encourage the OP to think through the consequences of her actions..whatever she chooses to do.

My own opinion which is what we are all giving here- is that she needs to be aware of her own safety first and foremost.

CocktailQueen Sat 23-Nov-13 17:12:54

He slapped you before and you stayed with him?? And this is a new relationship??

He is an abuser. Report to the police now. He may have done this before.

Agree with jointhedots - is he going to slap you every time you talk to someone?

You have done nothing to be ashamed of - HE HAS.

You are well rid.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:17:23

I think the OP has made it clear it's over- she's wanting to know what to do next when he contacts her and whether to tell people , inc police.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 17:18:45

Think through the consequences of her actions, Ann ? Really ? That is getting uncomfortably close to victim-blaming, IMO.

I agree she has the power to make him face the consequences of his own but she is not obliged to do so, and making her feel like she has to report him for the good of other women looks like making it her fault if he ever hits somebody else.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 17:20:54

Don't get me wrong, Ann. I think the best thing to do is to report but if she can't she doesn't deserve any less support. Piles of pressure to respond in a certain way is more likely to make her withdraw from potential guidance.

wontletmesignin Sat 23-Nov-13 17:22:02

What consequences to what actions?? shock OP has been a victim of DV. I dont understand whay consequences you could be talking about?

EXTERMINATEpeppa Sat 23-Nov-13 17:25:51


Stay strongthanks

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:29:06

I mean that she might be worried that if she reports him he could come after her. She has to balance what is right for her own safety and what might help that- and possibly other women. I thought this was obvious. A talking to by the police might send him scarpering - out of her life altogether - and as a bonus might also change the way he behaves to women, full stop.I'm not the only one here saying this.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 17:29:25

I'm with you mist it's the OP's choice to tell and putting pressure on her to consider other possible victims is unsupportive. Ann I find your description of rape offensive. I'm sure you didn't mean to but I felt that you were minimising rape as being just like a punch.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 17:30:54

I wasn't minimising rape- I was maximising slapping.

ontherocks Sat 23-Nov-13 17:30:56

Once again thank you for your amazingly supportive threads. He sent me a further 3 messages, apologising etc which I've ignored. I've just messaged him what you wrote in your message Mist.

I've spoken to my friend and I'm going to stay here tonight, my parents are having the children.

I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed, more so because of the awful things he said. The slaps hurt but his words did cut deep. I know I should never have let him off the first time but I really liked him, how pathetic does that sound? I'm totally gutted but I know this is the right thing to do.

I'm dreading seeing him, totally dreading it but I will have someone with me and I know (hope) he wouldn't dare do anything or say anything in front of anyone else.

Your messages have really helped me, thank you so much.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 17:33:14

Ok Ann let's leave it there. I don't think ontherock's thread is the right place for a discussion about the similarities and differences of rape and assault.

Vivacia Sat 23-Nov-13 17:35:19

Aww, ontherock don't put yourself down about having gone back to him in the past. The important thing is protecting yourself and your children's safety now and in the future.

Some good book and website recommendations above.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 17:39:37

Ann, I can see you are trying to be helpful. We all are.

OP that is a seriously good plan. Continue to ignore him now. Engaging will not help either you or him. You being a nice and reasonable person may start to feel sorry for him if he ramps up the emotional blackmail. That would be a monumental mistake. So best that you don't give him the opportunity. You have the control here, make sure you keep it x

qazxc Sat 23-Nov-13 17:39:40

As you mentioned in other posts this is someone you are likely to run into. So i would tell him that you don't want contact/ approaching, just so that you have made it clear.
Write down everything that has happened and add any additional contact if he refuses to leave you alone, keep a diary. You will need this in case he doesn't get the message and you need to get a restraining order.
I know that you don't feel you can talk to your parents about it, but please consider telling a friend or ringing domestic violence charities for support.

humphryscorner Sat 23-Nov-13 17:43:37

Op really hope your ok.

I genuinely have been in your position. Even though my ex strangled me and did other hidious things I stayed for five years. It NEVER got better as he didn't respect/love because you can't love somebody and physically or mentally abuse them.

I could never understand why on some level I wanted him to beg, get on his knees and apologise - which he did at first but after awhile he couldn't be arsed to even do that. To be honest I think it was my low self esteem at the time.

Op at the time I left it was the most physically painful thing I ever did. He was cry, I was crying, my relative who was driving me was crying. She even suggested I give him one more chance.

It took me a while to fully understand what an utter scum bag he was. And see him for who he really is.

How would you feel if he hit one of your children? Phone the police , he assaulted you. You can do this flowers

Only1scoop Sat 23-Nov-13 17:47:31

So relieved you are with a friend who will support you. This post has really hit a nerve with me. Leave it at that now....please do not reply to any other texts etc....if you are contacted again by him please follow through with what you said in text and report him immediately.
Stop questioning the situation....the hurtful words etc....the abuse. This is a controlling man. He doesn't deserve your time. Sit and think how you would feel if a friend/daughter/neice was being treated this way.
No relieved x

theQuibbler Sat 23-Nov-13 18:01:21

Ontherocks - you've had some good advice on this thread and I hope it has been helpful. I would just like to add that I think it would be very useful for you to still contact Woman's Aid for some ongoing support and also to think about attending the Freedom programme they run, which helps give you tools to recognise and stay away from abusive men.
It does sound as though you need some help recognising boundaries and what constitutes acceptable behaviour in a relationship.

If you don't work out why you thought it was OK to stay with a man that hit you in order for him to do it again, then you're in very grave danger of ending up with someone similar again. It's not your fault at all, but it does have to be tackled.

annhathaway Sat 23-Nov-13 18:03:03

Agree. Women's Aid is not the police but it's outside support that I think you'd find helpful.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sat 23-Nov-13 18:05:11

The Freedom Programme can be done online and it is very good indeed.

Do what you have to and what you can do just now.

You know the police is an option.
Maybe contacting Women's Aid is a bit less scary?

And yy to Freedom Program - £10 to do in online, and tbh even the free taster bits are v v revealing sad. Have a look: Here's my linkie again

I hope you have good company and cake and wine tonight x.

Well done Rocks. flowers

BasilDalekEater Sun 24-Nov-13 15:02:49

"If you don't work out why you thought it was OK to stay with a man that hit you in order for him to do it again, then you're in very grave danger of ending up with someone similar again. It's not your fault at all, but it does have to be tackled."

This. This is really good advice OP.

Once this immediate flurry has passed and you've had some time to think about it and feel you can face up to it, it would be a really good idea to do some reading, go to a counsellor (GP will refer you), do the Freedom Programme - whatever works for you.

Also Women's Aid have a forum where you can discuss with other women (anonymously) what has happened so that you can have some insight into why you accepted his violence first time round and avoid men like him in the future.

There are loads of different ways to ensure you never go through something like this again. I hope you find one that works for you.


ChelseaBun Sun 24-Nov-13 15:31:23

Hi on the rocks, please go and have a look at the Womens Aid messageboard. There you will see women who have been through it - and I hope it will help you to make sense of what has happened to you.

I know exactly how you feel - have been there - and I took him back too many times. I can guarantee he will not give up and will try to win you round again with apologies and promises it won't happen again.

I can guarantee - it WILL happen again. And it will escalate. The only way forward is no contact. As you say you have to see him, keep conversation to a minimum.

And if it helps, tell him you intend to go to the police if he so much as rings you or contacts you again.

He will not attack you if someone is with you - these men don't like proof that they are abusers.

I should have walked the first time he hit me - now I'm waiting to give evidence at his trial for a vicious sexual attack he carried out on me. All this along with PTSD from his attack.

One thing I do know, when you take them back, you are subconsciously telling them that hitting you is acceptable.

Be strong and when you get sentimental and think about his nice qualities, pull yourself back and picture the nasty look on his face when he knocked you off your feet.

Lacoba66 Sun 24-Nov-13 22:50:26

Please remember that it's not you that "needs to work it out in your head"- are you replaying it and thinking "what did I/ or what could I have done differently to have stopped this"? NOTHING! He is the one with the problem.

When will he have slapped you too hard, or god forbid, the children will witness this? Please love yourself more and realise your worth, as no one deserves this treatment.

Take care x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now