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Should I be able to keep the house?

(39 Posts)
theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 14:36:55

DP bought a house 6 years ago with his friends (100% mortgage, repayment only) when we found out I was expecting DC I arranged a 10 year loan for us from the housing association for a deposit for a mortgage, which secured us a mortgage on a very low % (repayments of £440 a month instead of £900 odd) and my parents paid all the fees so we could by his friends out.
When we split the first time I left him with the house, no question.
He treated it like a shit tip.
Now we are splitting for the final time I feel I want to stay in the house with the 3 DC and he should find alternative accommodation.
This is because
a) Its the DC's home
b) I know I can get it into a saleable condition, sell up (hopefully) in a few years and split the proceeds 50/50
c) Me and DC would need to rent a 3 bed place which would cost £700, an awful lot more then the mortgage
d) Its my only chance of ever getting a foot on the property ladder

Not unreasonable at all.

I am sure the court would agree that the children should stay in the family home.

Beastofburden Fri 22-Nov-13 14:42:50

So- you own the house 50:50 and you are partners but not married?

Is he willing to let you do this?
Could he be made to see that it will be cheaper for him in maintenance terms if you have affordable housing?
Is he supportive of putting the kids first?

Don't forget it's also his only chance to get on the property ladder as well.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 14:45:32

I'm trying to steel myself for the fight it'll cause. Things would go much more smoothly (for him) if me and the girls left, but it would mean staying at my parents for a couple of months at least and they're in they're 60's and looking after my Grandma.
Obviously for the DC it would be better if we could part on the best terms possible.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 14:51:17

No he puts himself before the children. He insists on having a 'smoking room' in the house, wants to grow weed in the cupboard, and has taken the car off to work without a single care as to how I would get the children too and from school. When I called him at lunch about arranging to pick the children up, he wasn't interested. Shouted and hung up on me.

I don't know that it would be his only chance though, I;d split any proceeds 50/50 and he'd be in a much better position to get a subsequent mortgage as he works full time (I work part time as 3 children under 5) and is also developing a business which he expects to make millions from! (This time next years Rodney... wink )
If I leave the house, it'll just end up in a disgusting state, like last time, and then we'll forever have it stuck between the two of us.

Beastofburden Fri 22-Nov-13 14:51:38

He only thinks its less trouble as he doesn't know how much trouble the alternative will be.

Could he manage the repayments by himself anyway? And you are suggesting cutting him in with the profit in a few years. Which is a good idea, as the next few years are likely to be good for house price rises.

From his POV, if you leave, he has to pay maintenance for his DC and the mortgage. He will struggle. If he leaves, he can rent somewhere smaller, you will cost him less, and he will still be in on the price rise of the house over time.

Try to sell him a bachelor party pad smile it doesn't sound as if he is that fond of housework anyway, perhaps he'd be quite glad to move into something more manageable. I would go with selling him the convenience and the kudos of being seen to be a good dad, and being in on the profits.

Beastofburden Fri 22-Nov-13 14:54:25

Though make absolutely sure that the deeds show you as joint owners, 50:50. When it's sold, if its in his name, he can legally take the lot and there will be nothing you can do about it.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 15:06:56

It definitely is 50/50 but he thinks its 'his' house.
He's expecting us to leave as my mum's nearby and his mum died a couple of years ago and his family is a couple of hours away (except his step dad) and he only has 1 friend left and I don't think he could stay there.

BrianTheMole Fri 22-Nov-13 15:10:48

YANBU. I'm surprised he is actually thinking you and the dc should be the ones to leave tbh.

Change the locks. Stuff on lawn. So sorry you are going through this, and no yanbu.

maddening Fri 22-Nov-13 15:18:01

Can you calculate how much you put in individually and as a couple and see who has the largest financial input? I would imagine it is you from what you say.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 15:25:14

To be fair to him he has put in the most financially as he pays the mortgage and bills each month and I buy the groceries and anything the children need and pay the credit cards.
so on paper, he would have invested more into the house.

squoosh Fri 22-Nov-13 15:28:48


He sounds like a tosser. Explain to him that it's in both your financial interests for you and the kids to stay in the house for the next few years and for him to find his own flat where he can grow all the weed he wants.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 15:35:34

He's a total tosser!
And far too handy with his hands IYKWIM. My mum's a bit concerned, she keeps saying not to put myself in danger. I'm not sure if the house is worth it, but at the same time I don't want to be bullied or emotionally blackmailed anymore. I just want rid!
I keep the house, make it presentable, sell, split any profits. Job done!

cestlavielife Fri 22-Nov-13 15:36:41

"he has put in the most financially as he pays the mortgage and bills " that doesnt count - it is who owns it on paper. and if you have on paper any record of you putting in the deposit or you parent contribution. otherwise it will be assumed a straight 50/50 split on any equity if it was sold.

you both have euqal rights to the house but you could go to court for occpation order for you and dc under childrens act.
the division of quiety is under trusts of lands act - the childrens bit is childrens act. it is a two pronged court case if it comes to that.... you need someone expereinced wih this to bring both togther

try and have session with a mediator to sort things out and draw up a short medium and long term arrangement regarding the house. otherwise court will be v expensive....

ExcuseTypos Fri 22-Nov-13 15:45:15

theendof you need to get legal advise. Most local solicitors will give a half an hour free app. Also the Citizens advice bureau is excellent. To can go on line and see where your local office is.

I'd also ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships. You'll get a lot of good advice there. Just report your OP to MNHQ and ask them to move it.

lifesgreatquestions Fri 22-Nov-13 15:47:09

If you didn't have children then I would suggest dividing by percentages put in to the total bills, so including the stuff that you have bought. But you have children so this makes it 50/50. It's reasonable to want to stay in the house. I think only a court could rule against that, that it doesn't matter if he doesn't like it. It's awful having to work out through all that crap. I hope this passes as quickly as possible for you.

MrsOakenshield Fri 22-Nov-13 15:52:29

'And far too handy with his hands IYKWIM.' shock

definitely move to relationships, you'll get a lot of good advice and support there.

LisaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 22-Nov-13 16:15:57

Just to let you know we're moving this to Relationships at the OP's request.

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 16:36:40

Sell up now. I can't imagine how it'd feel to be turfed out of your home and still have to pay half the mortgage. If he's happy to go along with your plan by all means wait. If not, sell up and move on. It may be your only chance to get on the property ladder, but that doesn't mean your ex should bankroll it.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 16:40:43

No he wouldn't be required to pay anything towards the mortgage, I'd cover that myself.
If we sell now, even if we find a buyer, we'd be hard pushed to break even.
If I leave him in the house he will just grow and smoke weed in it making it unsellable.
If I stay I will do it up and sell it and split any profit with him 50/50.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 16:43:27

And my ex hasn't 'bankrolled' it, but my parents have!

EllieInTheRoom Fri 22-Nov-13 16:45:10

I don't understand why fifi is feeling sorry for a man being turfed out of his home who is far too handy with his hands.

It sounds to me as though the deal you are proposing is more than reasonable for a violent bloke who does nothing for his kids.

Fighting to stay on the property ladder is not worth putting yourself in danger though. Have any of the incidents been reported to the police?

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 16:45:46

So you'll cover the mortgage by yourself, sell in a few years and give him 50:50?

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 16:47:35

Yes Fifi

squoosh Fri 22-Nov-13 16:48:33

Your proposal sounds entirely sensible, hang on to the house for a few more years and sell when there's a chance of a profit.

I hardly see how the ex has 'bankrolled' things, he has kept the place going with the assistance of the OP and her parents.

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 17:07:58

I didn't say he had bankrolled it. Just to expect him to rent somewhere else and pay towards the mortgage as she says it could be her only chance to own property is wrong. OP has said this wouldn't be the case though.

If there's no history of violence on either part neither of you can force the other to move out. I think you'll both need legal advice if you can't agree.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 17:20:59

He is violent Fifi he put his hands round my throat and through me onto the bed whilst scream in in my face to Sundays ago. It was a least the 3rd time his put his hands round my neck.
He's also slapped me square in the face, banged my head on the wall, and thrown me out the house.
If he touches me once more I will phone the police and seek an injunction.
However, I hope to avoid that.
(He just stormed in, trashed my chest of drawers by throwing the drawers across the room and stormed back out with my house key. This is because I put his clothes toothbrush and shaver in a bag by the backroom hoping he'd at least sleep in there if not stay somewhere else over night blush )

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 17:21:40

Sorry, loads of spelling mistakes in that! I'm a bit stressed!

Twinklestein Fri 22-Nov-13 17:26:06

I sincerely hope he does not, but if he goes for you again, you must go to the police & tell them about the previous times too. If you need an emergency injunction at any point, call the & they can organise it for you (phone number is on their website). You may be able to get an occupation order to stay in the house.

Twinklestein Fri 22-Nov-13 17:26:31
maddening Fri 22-Nov-13 17:53:06

Mortgage paid while you lived as a couple would count as both your input - you paid other bills etc you were a couple- I mean how much he paid off equity before you moved in against how much you and your dparents put in.

ExcuseTypos Fri 22-Nov-13 18:40:03

I think you should phone woman's aid OP.

He's violent and you need to look after yourself and your children. You need proper advice.

0808 2000 247

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 18:48:32

If he's violent then get it noted to protect yourself should things get difficult. I do think you need professional advice on this one.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 19:00:22

I have spoken to women's aid, police and social services before so its all on record.
maddening no equity was paid off from his previous mortgage with his friends, as it was 100% interest only. When me and him bought it off him and his friends we got a repayment mortgage together. He thinks its his because he pre-owned it with his friends. We bought it for the same they'd paid for it so his friends walked away with nothing.
For the eighteen months we were apart and he was living here he had lodgers who paid more then the mortgage cost him each month. But obviously, I had no financial input at all during that time so not sure if that would count against me.
Like I say, I'm not sure that the pay off is going to be worth the house so I may walk away in the end. But at the same time, I don't want to be bullied any more.

ImperialBlether Fri 22-Nov-13 19:18:16

You know what? I'd just go and leave him to it. I'd ask a lawyer to get involved over a figure which you should be paid in recompense (and that should be based on today's value) - if he needs to remortgage to give you that, well, that's up to him.

My first concern would be about putting as much distance as I could between him and me.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 20:04:56

imperial you're right. Its not worth it.

Beastofburden Fri 22-Nov-13 20:25:40

Safety first, for you and the children.

theendoftheendoftheend Fri 22-Nov-13 21:30:40

I know and if I fuss about the house it just gives another front for him to fight me on. Thanks for everyone's advice, I have an offer of somewhere to stay as a stop gap until we can get our own place. Time to move on!

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