Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

ex assaulted our DS :(

(35 Posts)
Annoyedparent Thu 21-Nov-13 21:58:27

Monday night he dragged him through lounge, hallway and into his bedroom roughly by his arm and smacked him and called him a prat sad ds is only six and autistic. He doesn't live with us but has a key which I've begged him to return but he won't. I rang womens aid tonight for advice as haven't been able to sleep. They said to call police .As it hadn't left marks I hadn't but did straight away. They were out within hour and said its been passed to child abuse team who will interview ds on video.

I'm such an idiot for allowing him back into our lives. I have no money to change locks but police said if I call council in morning they should change them if I give police ref no. I never thought hed hurt our son. I Dont care about what he has done to me over years but how could he hurt our baby. I suspect he is autistic too and he was abused as a child by his father .Scary thing is he has done nothing wrong.

I'm scared social services will remove ds as I allowed an abuser into our home. I have slept with that monster up until the weekend, I feel sick and angry .Ds is in my bed and has slept there every night since, I just want to protect himas I've let him down sad

wellcoveredsparerib Thu 21-Nov-13 22:05:32

You have done the right thing. Social services will recognize this and they can give you support.

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 22:06:10

Social Services tend to only remove a child if they are at immediate risk of harm. If you have removed that risk, then they don't tend to take DCs away from a loving parent who can provide stability. If you are concerned, you can call the out of hours Duty Assessment Team for some advice. Number will be on your local council website.

Is there someone who can stay with you until the locks are changed? Might be worth speaking to police and getting a safety officer round to give you advice on additional security to your home. Things like a chain on door etc.

I'm sure you are already - but just give your DS lots of hugs.

Annoyedparent Thu 21-Nov-13 22:11:09

Noone to Stay here sad I hope ds can get over this, I feel awful I've let him down in worst way possible

tribpot Thu 21-Nov-13 22:14:54

You've taken all the steps you can to safeguard your ds now that the assault has happened. Don't bother wasting time diagnosing what might have led a grown mad to assault a 6 year old child. There are literally no excuses in the world.

Can the lock be made safe, i.e. so it can't be opened by a key from the outside?

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 22:16:23

Call the Duty Assessment Team, you don't have to give your name.

Ask the police tomorrow for a PCSO to come and talk to you about getting a referral for security advice.

Please try not to blame yourself. This isn't your fault. You need to believe that in order to help your DS. Read stories, watch a children's film with him, play some games, sing some songs, do some colouring in. He will be okay, he will.

Greensleeves Thu 21-Nov-13 22:17:58

This isn't your fault, don't go down that road and drive yourself bonkers

Is your ds OK? Is there are mark on his arm/from the smack? If so, photograph it.

I would secure the house and then call the police. Nobody is going to blame you. The man who committed the assault is at fault, not you.

If it's a UPVC type door with a Yale-type key, if you lock it and leave your key in the lock on the inside he shouldn't be able to get his key in the outside.

If the door has a Yale type lock, you can deadlock it by moving the button next to the lever up or down - you know it's worked if you can't move the lever on the inside.

Hope one of these works for you, to give you peace of mind til you can get the locks changed.

cjel Thu 21-Nov-13 23:13:05

I would try to not be too upset in front of ds as he will pick up on your distress. You can have confidence that you are doing everything you can to make your dc have the safest and most protected life you can and have broken the cycle of abuse in the family.

Well done for not letting your own fear stop you from taking care of your most precious boy.(((Hugs)))

Annoyedparent Thu 21-Nov-13 23:18:06

Its a wooden door, really solid apparently police struggle to get them down but u can unlock it with key as no bolts or chains and can only be locked from outside. Inside lock is activated by key. He's going to be so angry when police interview him. He's been living in homeless hostel for a year and is on verge of getting a council flat of his own. He's been unemployed all year and is doing his security licence and this will obviously screw it up for him. Obviously deservedly so but not in his eyes. We are going to live in fear now. He's hospitalised people before in temper but he got let off on one as they couldn't prove who started it snd second one I know of he beat uo badly with a hammer and was in for two weks but being a fellow criminal didn't report the attack.
I'm so angry that I believed his lies and allowed him back in our lives. I've destroyed everything for ds and myself by doing so. He has four children by four women why the hell did I let him back in our lives. I know I've got to be strong for DS but I want to curl up and die for my stupidity and the fact we will never be safe again sad

BrianTheMole Thu 21-Nov-13 23:21:17

Has it got a door handle where you can wedge a chair or something under it to stop it being opened?

BrianTheMole Thu 21-Nov-13 23:22:53

Have you got anywhere you can go stay for a while?

cestlavielife Thu 21-Nov-13 23:26:02

You will be safe because you have done the right thing and reported this.
So long as you and ds safe and not allowing contact then ss will support you.

You can use them to help make sure any contact is only supervised ina contact centre.

He has form for being angry and violent. You don't need this around your ds so you will do the right thing and say not supervised... How he manages is his problem not yours.
Don't be afraid to call 999 if he comes to the house .

cestlavielife Thu 21-Nov-13 23:26:38

Only supervised outside your home from now on

cestlavielife Thu 21-Nov-13 23:28:00

You can buy chains bolts cheaply and fit them yourself.

cjel Thu 21-Nov-13 23:29:50

Don't let him make you afraid. You have all the power of th epolice to protect you. You also have not ruined it for you and ds. Today isn't too good for you but you will have plenty of lovely happy days in the future.xxflowers

Lock the door and leave the key in, he won't be able to use his. If you have a back door do the same. You're doing the right thing now, and seeking help, which is the important thing. Good luck x

CookieDoughKid Fri 22-Nov-13 00:10:45

Keep strong for you and your DC. Don't let the bastard knock you down. You are mentally stronger than him and you have the law on your side. Your son will grow bigger and stronger than him one day. Your ex best watch out I'd say. he's not going to be able to throw his weight forever.

If he causes one second of trouble call the police.

Teach your son to dial 999. Sorry but my dcs know , it could only protect you both.

In the meantime, focus on a fun activity to help you minimise HIM.

cjel Fri 22-Nov-13 10:22:19

morning, am thinking of you this morning, how are you?x

Annoyedparent Fri 22-Nov-13 11:23:15

Thanks I'm tired , angry and anxious. Can't get hold of relevant contacts at police station. I've taken day off work and have rang social services for advice and the council. The locks are being changed this afternoon thankfully. He has unsupervised contact with a one year old son from another relationship and sometimes has him overnight. He has complained about the baby keeping him awake crying so I let them know as after mon it scares me what he's capable of sad

cestlavielife Fri 22-Nov-13 11:54:41

well done. you have done your bit. the other baby is not your responsibility now.
focus on you and DS and keeping safe.
can you get away visit family or friends for the weekend?

bunchoffives Fri 22-Nov-13 14:38:42

Don't let this thug bring you down AP.

You are a STRONG, CAPABLE, ITELLIGENT woman.

You will get through this, you and your beautiful precious son.

You have done all the right things. Phone 999 if there is anything occurring.

YOU have NOT let him down.
Your abusive horrible ex has done that.
Really glad the locks are being changed.
You have done everything right so just keep going.
He's 6 and he will get over this and so will you.
Don't allow contact.
Don't respond to texts, emails or phone calls at all.
Keep strong.

Molly333 Fri 22-Nov-13 15:31:29

My children hv been to hell and back due to my abusive ex , the best advice I can give u is to get a counseller for you ( only one with experience of abuse) , I at the start went twice a week and just cried and cried for ages but she saved my life and my children's . When I got string they did , in fact we thrived and life actually improved without him . To this day seven yrs on , he's not changed a bit , he's still abusive ( he can't get to me anymore) he doesn't see his children yet he's the victim ! Yeah right . I'm at uni doing a degree and working my children are thriving and he's still lieing ! U can do this but prepare for it to take time and make sure you rest , keep that little boy with you in bed , I did for a long time x I wish u all the luck in the world

Annoyedparent Fri 22-Nov-13 20:00:06

Locks are changed thankfully. He has been calling and texting saying sorry and how much he apologises for upsetting me. No mention of what he did to DS, he honestly thinks its ok what he did to him. Just keeping DS close to me will keep him in my bed again this weekend. Thanks Molly well done for being strong, i know its only way no matter how hard it is x

CookieDoughKid Fri 22-Nov-13 21:06:33

Keep well OP. You need to take a long break from your ex and focus on yourselves for the time being. Park his apologies to one side until you are comfortable and able to put a perspective on this. Hard to do when you are in the thick of it.

tribpot Fri 22-Nov-13 21:51:59

Great that the locks have been changed. Ignore his calls/texts - block them if you can.

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:03:32

Er.... I don't get it. Is ex his dad? DS was naughty so made him go to his room and smacked him? I think that's pretty standard.

Smacking isn't illegal.

Ifcatshadthumbs Fri 22-Nov-13 23:10:39

The OP hasn't said what her son did to warrant this treatment fifi669 so I don't think it right to suggest her child had been naughty and deserved it. Plus her child has autism. My child has autism I do not drag him through rooms, smack him and call him names when his behaviour is difficult. It's not pretty standard IMO (unless you have pretty shitty standards)

gingerchick Fri 22-Nov-13 23:12:32

Fuck off fifi669 and read the OP obviously a lot more going on than a smack!

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:21:33

Grabbed his arm, took him to his room and gave him a smack. That's what the OP said. No marks or bruises.

There's a vast spectrum of autism, you can't treat every kid the same.

I don't think SS will do anything for a smack.

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:23:11

Most people who smack do so because the child was naughty, therefore it was an assumption I made. I assume OP doesn't smack and that's why there's an issue.

Annoyedparent Fri 22-Nov-13 23:40:09

Fifi he dragged him roughly by his wrist with force ,through the lounge, hallway and bedroom calling him a Pratt, telling him he was a nobody and smacked him. He couldve dislocated his arm he was really angry. I don't use physical punishment on DS as a) he will copy ,b) its cruel and shows a lack of control c)there are more effective ways to deal with behaviour issues d) its degrading.

I myself give DS timeouts in his room but either walk him, carry him or lift him under his arm pits. Its disgusting for a grown man let alone a father to do this.He was ranting at DS to shut up and how lucky he was that he wasn't thrashing him like his father did him. I don't think any six year old deserves that. I rang Womens Aid for advice, he has treated me like shite in past and hads threatened to Kill me, had harrassment orders. He promised me he had turned his life around and this is what he did. He has put people in hospital before. I neve r thought hed turn on DS but he did sad

Whatnext074 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:45:57

Most people who smack do so because the child was naughty

Most adults who smack a child do it out of anger and frustration and a lack of their own control. Even if a child is 'being naughty', there are many other ways to teach them that their behaviour is wrong without resorting to violence. I know what I'm talking about in the job I do.

It's nasty and as OP says, degrading and is never warranted.

fifi669 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:55:19

Well the law disagrees as it's not illegal. Smacking is a parental choice and is worlds apart from battering a child.

However, if he's generally an abusive man anyway than I can understand where you're coming from. If you think this is a symptom of his aggressive behaviour and especially if you think it's likely to escalate you're doing the right thing. Don't be down on yourself, you weren't to know how he'd behave.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now