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Worrying overthinking and driving myself nuts

(249 Posts)
20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 15:35:06

I had another thread on here talking about my concerns over BF of just over 2 months. I don't know what to do and need some different perspectives. When we first met online then met up I felt something but had a barrier up. He was super keen, lovely, saw me loads, said he was falling for me. I have now fallen for him and I'm concerned that now he knows this he's backed off

He was mad enough to say he loved me but now all that has stopped. He sees me a couple of weeknights and all weekend, which would be fine if I didn't have this underlying feeling he's happy to back off abit now he knows he's "got me". I don't know if I'm feeling this way because I'm terrified of getting hurt or whether I have a valid reason. He'll sometimes tease me for example the other night we were talking about something nice he did when we first met and I said jokingly " ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said " well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" I felt horrified at that, like he was thinking he had some advantage over me. Also a few weeks ago he was so keen for me to meet his adult children and told me only one other GF before me had met them, now he's saying he's going up the weekend so I asked if he wanted me to join him and he's all blasé about it " well the choice is yours its up to you"

I don't know if I'm being extra sensitive or what to think really, just sometimes I feel I've been kicked in the stomach. Thing is I have really fallen for him sad

He is still making plans for Christmas with me however yet today I started a new job and he hasn't asked how it went even though I text him when I got in. I'm just used to BF in the past being a bit more attentive.

fifi669 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:10:54

He wanted you to meet his children that seems like a plus! I think you are overthinking at this stage. Maybe he didn't want to put pressure on you so left it as your decision about the weekend? You're still seeing a lot of each other so it doesn't sound like he's backed off to me...

MrsRBrand Mon 18-Nov-13 16:58:06

I think things are all a bit ropey at the start of relationships where you're both trying not to get hurt, I think time is the only thing which allows you to see if you can both trust each other.
Relax, just enjoy it, he's saying awkward things like that probably based on his own fears and is trying out ways of being that may not be appropriate to your current situation.
Time I say.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 17:03:57

A few weeks into a relationship you should be feeling happy and confident with someone, looking forward to seeing them again etc. I don't think you're being unreasonable actually and I think you should trust your judgement. He's drawn you in with the OTT stuff and 'I love you' and now he's being a little too casual and dismissive. That 'hook line and sinker' remark wasn't a joke.

Eight weeks in and the magic's gone?.... Regain your peace of mind and kick this one to the kerb

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 17:22:06

That's what I'm scared of cog that the real truth is he's drawn me in with the OTT stuff and now is being more casual. Supposing I'm wrong in thinking this though and I do end it and I lose something good. Am I expecting too much? We get on well when we are together

I really like him and don't really want to lose him. I shouldn't have to be asking him where I stand should I?
I just keep feeling like he wants to get rid of me. Is that just my confidence issues?

I complemented him on something about his appearance the other night and asked what he liked about me, he mentioned a particular part of my body ( we were specifically talking about physical attributes) and when I said " anything else?" He said "give me half an hour and il let you know"

I just feel sad sometimes that some of the niceness has gone. I used to get a lovely email everyday from him now nothing. I'm making it sound really bad he's actually quite nice to be with. I just can't get certain things out of my head

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 18:00:54

I don't mean to offend you but you clearly lack confidence or you wouldn't be subjecting yourself to this indifference. 'Give me half an hour and I'll let you know?' hmm Patronising bastard. Correct answer is 'let me save you the bother' right before you walk out of the door. I wouldn't stick around to be insulted.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 18-Nov-13 18:09:55

I agree with Cogito.

2 months in you should be feeling all loved up, not second-guessing his reactions.

What a mean bastard to tell you "Give me half an hour"...

That would tell me all I need to know about his commitment to me. The new job indifference also says it.

Don't wait around for him to dangle carrots about Christmas. By then you could be meeting a good one. smile

Oh, OP, I'm doing this too. Guy I've known for 5 years, been flirting for about six weeks, met up Thursday and shared a hotel room, though we didn't have sex. We are meeting up tonight in a town 20 mins from me, which he is getting the train to after work. I'm waiting for him to text me with an ETA and haven't heard from him all day, though I've text him asking what his ETA is. Logically he's probably on his way to the station and so I'll hear from him soon but I'm beginning to panic now. ARGH!

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 18:12:36

I know it sounds really bad when I write it down here but I am only saying the things I think may be bad and that I worry about. He teases me quite a lot so it's hard to tell and we laugh a lot. He spent hours massaging my bad back and he does loads for me. I just don't know what to think, I'm not sure he is indifferent to me

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 18:20:12

We have made plans to spend Christmas together and he's still talking like that's whats happening so I don't think he has plans on ending it. Though I really like him I'm not sure anymore what he really feels for me. A lot of the time I do feel very loved up, I suppose what I'm asking is isnt it normal to feel a certain amount of insecurity and to be a bit unsure at the start of a relationship? Especially if you have low self confidence

Walkacrossthesand Mon 18-Nov-13 18:20:24

I would also add that, if you decide to give it a bit longer, do a bit less if the 'fishing for compliments' stuff (what part of my body do you like best?!) . Play it straight down the line, you are coolly assessing whether or not he's worth your time, not trying to assess how much he likes you. I think you're seeing glimpses of a nasty, cruel streak, but could be wrong. Keep your eyes wide open and your spidey senses on high alert!

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 18:26:11

walkacross I see what your saying. It's just I'm not sure if I'm too demanding and expect a lot or the opposite and my standards aren't high enough?. I seem to expect a lot of attention and reassurance or I get insecure, although having said that I don't tell him this

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 18:26:37

It seems quite quick to think the fizz has gone out of it after only 2 months. We all want to make a good impression at first. Then it seems sensible to rein back a bit, not be suffocating, or risk getting ahead of yourselves and running out of things to say and places to go.

I hope you haven't jettisoned your friends when it's still relatively early days. I suggest you keep busy, see your own friends, or focus on homely stuff, thse evenings you haven't arranged to see him.

Can this be down to previous experience? Are you thinking you're going to get messed about? Some people find big flash gestures a bit predictable or OTT. Maybe he thinks you're a lovely steady person who won't be won by superficial moves. Maybe he's old school and not as into texting etc as your previous BF. I honestly think making plans for Christmas is about as committed as a new partner could be. He'd run a mile suggesting anything over the festive season if he were only interested in the short term.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 18:29:19

'Teasing' is not a good thing. Teasing is cruel humour. Taking the piss but laughing it off. Being deliberately mean but following up with 'only joking'. It's in the same category as sarcasm. I agree with the PP... eyes open for more evidence of a nasty streak.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 18:32:25

He teases me quite a lot so it's hard to tell and we laugh a lot. He spent hours massaging my bad back and he does loads for me.

Well I read this and he doesn't seem cruel or obnoxious to me but that is the beauty of MN we can read things differently.

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 18:35:12

He's definately old school when it comes to his phone, he couldn't care
less about it and has never been big on texting. Part of me feels that he's just settling down in a comfortable mode now rather than a chasing mode

ZombieMojaveWonderer Mon 18-Nov-13 18:46:28

I've completely read this differently to everyone else because I just think it sounds like he's just settling down into the relationship and teasing can be because he's trying to hard. I wouldn't fish for compliments if I were you because that can be annoying and put people off. Just try and relax and enjoy it. Stop second guessing and give him a chance. grin

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 20:31:01

zombie I really hope you are right. I think I am on high alert for all sorts of things he may/ may not say due to my previous relationship being an EA one. I am scared of being messed around, getting hurt and taken advantage of. I don't want to end things though because I really like him

bigstrongmama Mon 18-Nov-13 21:05:47

It sounds to me like you are craving the stability you get from a longer-term relationship and it is too soon to feel that with any man. Doesn't mean it won't happen one day with him, you have to wait and see how it pans out, same as everyone.

Maybe leave the analysing for a set date, every couple of weeks say. You could write a diary of your feelings in between then look back on it. That way you can concentrate on having a good time with him, and work out how you feel about him.

Can you find that stability in other parts of your life, with family or friends?

20000leagues Mon 18-Nov-13 21:10:37

bigstrongmama what an excellent idea, I will keep jotting my feelings down but try not to analyse except for my chosen time. I think that might help me and distract me the rest of the time.

bittenByBees Tue 19-Nov-13 01:05:36

You're being a little bit childish perhaps

After two months surly you must notice what kind of person he is
Over analysing can drive people nuts but we still do it
so I can see your point of view

Maybe just try to talk to him more
I'm sure conversation can clear a lot
And possibly put your mind in

Well good luck any way and hopefully your concerns will disappear soon

Roseflowers Tue 19-Nov-13 02:24:44

OP I know exactly how you feel! I've recently started dating someone and just cannot relax at all. I've never been this insecure when dating someone before, and I can't figure out if its because I'm genuinely picking up on negative signals or if its because my recent dating experience has been so terrible recently (I've well and truly had the rug pulled out from under me very sharply a few times, and totally not seen it coming). I am waiting for the same thing to happen with this bloke and it means I just keep analyzing everything which is frustrating because its only been a few weeks and I barely even know him to be able to analyse things! You've had a bit longer, and so your feelings of insecurity could be something you're subconsciously picking up on, or they could be based on your own sudden realization of your feelings and fear of loss/ pain associated with having those feelings. Or hey, it could be a mixture of both.

It could be that he's gotten more comfortable and doesn't feel the need to try as much (lazy if so), or maybe he isn't as totally infatuated with you as he was before. If he's still talking about future plans and giving you massages those seem like obvious signs he's still into you though.

In my case I'm going to wait things out and see how they play out. The important thing to remember is that even if things do go south and it turns out he doesn't feel the same anymore, you will live, you will be happy again (and you will find someone else!) smile

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 05:52:07

I just get tired of the whole game playing thing of dating. It does seem he was totally infatuated to begin with and now not so much. It's like I feel I can't be myself as men won't like me ( I know this isn't true with the right one) however he seems to have changed since I tried ti initiate a conversation about why we hadn't had penetrative sex when we did everything else. I did his in a very non blaming way but he walked out, I let it pass as knew it was an embarrassed reaction. It took 4 days for him to properly come back and since then things have been cooler ( although we have had sex)

He doesn't say he loves me, misses me anymore, yet he still makes plans with me. Sometimes I feel very confused

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 05:52:46

rose I hope all goes well for you

Relationships that start off with infatuation rarely last because they aren't based on reality, rather one person falls for the idealised version of someone, then when they get to know them as a real person of course they aren't as keen. It's a form of dysfunction to be full on and declaring love very quickly into a relationship because it's all about the person projecting what they want in a partner onto the other, or otherwise it's about the person having a lot of unmet needs and feeling 'love' because their chosen partner seems to meet those needs.
2 months in is too soon to be feeling any of this.

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 06:29:34

I know and it's gutting to go from being swept away by all those emotions to come to earth with a bump. But I know it's not reality. Suppose I will just have to see how it pans out as unfortunately although I sort of " recognised" something about him when I saw him first, like I " knew" him, it took me longer to fall for him, but now I have. He's saying he knew the first time he saw me there was something. Don't know what to believe really

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 06:33:31

I know and it's gutting to go from being swept away by all those emotions to come to earth with a bump. But I know it's not reality. Suppose I will just have to see how it pans out as unfortunately although I sort of " recognised" something about him when I saw him first, like I " knew" him, it took me longer to fall for him, but now I have. He's saying he knew the first time he saw me there was something. Don't know what to believe really

wakemeupnow Tue 19-Nov-13 06:34:53

The fact he isn't into penetrative sex and has seemingly cooled off a bit since he knows you are really into him suggests to me that he has a fear of intimacy. This doesn't mean he isn't into you but could explain his behaviour.

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 06:39:30

He is fine with penetrative sex now he told me he has problems at the start of relationships. He has been hurt and let down badly in the past a couple of times. I think maybe he has a bit of a protective barrier up now

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 19-Nov-13 06:46:54

Whatever you do, keep your eyes open and a bit of yourself back. I'm struck that in just 8 short weeks he's been very in your face about his feelings to get you to fall for him (quite a campaign) and, now that you're sold on the idea, he's not only easing off the gas romantically but he's also going in for this slightly cruel teasing business, keeping you guessing one minute, making plans the next. I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship feeling like I was waiting for the other person to decide my fate.... it's a vulnerable position... and especially not one that short.

So keep a bit of yourself back, set the bar high and retain your self-respect. Don't be one of those pathetic types waiting for him to whistle so you can go running.

His behaviour indicates that he has been quite manipulative - assaulting you with declarations of love whilst holding back himself. Men who 'see something special' in you are often narcissistic, what they are seeing is a reflection of themselves that they like. That's what the excessive flattery is about, it's a way to get more positive affirmation from you for their ego.
When it comes to your feelings, Beware! Don't give so much away so quickly. Guard yourself better. 2 months is no time, you barely know him. You don't love him, not really. You can't love a person you barely know.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 19-Nov-13 07:02:47

Christ, this is hard work isn't it ? How do you find the time, or the inclination ?

ImagineJL Tue 19-Nov-13 10:47:30

I have been in several relationships like this. Often I'd meet men who seemed to fall head-over-heels in love with me within the first week, and eventually after a couple of months the flattery and adoration would get to me, and I'd start to feel keen too. Then they'd back off and dump me, by which time I'd be a hopelessly devoted adoring puppy. Of course I always got over them pretty fast, because it was never real in the first place.

I'm not saying that's how it'll be for you OP, but that's my experience.

If you value the potential of this relationship, and want to give it a chance, my advice would be to step back a bit yourself, try to demonstrate that you're not a needy puppy like I was.

I hate game-playing though, so I never managed it!

BitOutOfPractice Tue 19-Nov-13 11:02:31

I must say, I agree with Mist it does all seems like very hard work. And after this short a time it shouldn't be.

20000leagues Tue 19-Nov-13 15:35:49

It's not hard work really, it's my mind, I always over analyse and not just in this relationship but at work and everywhere.

I'm trying my best not to appear too keen, I rarely txt him phone only with a reason and I definatly don't run round doing things for him. I do cook if he's at my house but we share the cost and equally he takes me out to eat as well.

I'm just uncomfortable because he's got under my skin and I feel vulnerable but honestly i think it's too early days to tell him this

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 09:04:21

Ok it's not me overanalysing. I don't believe he cares for me now. Taking everything I've said previously into account and comparing it to how he used to behave to me, last night proved it as far as I'm concerned

I probably shouldn't have said anything and I've put the final nail in the coffin now. I just said " what are we doing about seeing eachother the rest of this week?" ( I've just started working shifts so needed to know ) TOTAL SILENCE from him so I repeated it and he said " well your on lates, wel see eachother the weekend" ( I do have one eve off before then)

Before all this he wasn't as huggy hadn't kissed me hence me worrying. Anyway it all came spilling out, how I felt he wasn't as keen, that I didn't know what he wanted anymore because he was behaving differently. He kept making jokes or staying quiet didn't seem concerned I was thinking this way. I asked him why he told me he loved me so much at the beginning, again TOTAL SILENCE, asked him why it had all stopped. He didn't seem to be trying to convince me he did care and want me. When asked directly he said a couple of times " of course I do" with his back to me

I feel I should have ended it but I couldn't because I really care about him now and it's like there's this glimmer I'm holding onto. I did say I thought he should go ( we were in bed) and leave it as I got the feeling he no longer wanted the relationship, but he didn't go.

I also said I felt like I'd been played from the start to draw me in and now he thought he'd got me he'd changed again he kind of said I was being stupid and it was in my head.

I've wreaked it all now anyway, he left this morning with a quick kiss as I was going back to sleep. I just couldn't hold it in any longer, should I have kept quiet? I'm really hurting today. I shouldn't have let him know I was unhappy, can men take it they think your disappointed in them?

How do I stop feeling like shit?

wannaBe Wed 20-Nov-13 09:15:10

chalk it up to experience and move on.

don't contact him again.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 09:15:22

You shouldn't have kept quiet at all. Your mistake is not to have left (or made him leave - I can't work out the location) when he wasn't very convincing. All the time you say 'you're treating me badly' but do nothing about it because you're hanging onto this 'glimmer', your stock is going down and down and taking your self-respect with it.

If you feel like shit it's because it's not working then end it. Nobody's fault, no need for blame, you've had an eight week dating run, it didn't work out.... nice knowing you. That's life.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 09:21:01

Why do men do this? It's like they enjoy playing with your mind or they are too gutless to say what they think. How dare he make all those plans?
HE was the one all serious and lovey dovey to start with

cog the location was my house. Is he treating me badly? He's just not acting as keen. I also hate not knowing what has changed his mind, I feel like there's something wrong with me, he saw the real me and didn't want me so much, I feel a bit worthless

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 09:31:23

He's not treating you badly but, if you put someone on the spot, tell them you're not convinced that they are enthusiastic about you and they can only say 'course I love you' with their back turned..... if they don't say the right thing.... then you have to follow through. Not just swallow the hurt.

Your worth should not be determined by the reaction of others. I don't think there is anything 'wrong' with you. But some relationships work out, some don't, there's no real reasons or blame in most cases, and that's just the way life rolls.

I once dumped a guy I'd been dating because he lined up some ornamental boxes on a coffee table a bit too neatly.... Something inside me said 'prissy' and all the attraction I felt for him dissolved. He'd done nothing wrong either. Love isn't a rational business.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 09:36:19

I think I swallowed the hurt because I realise nothing is ever perfect and am hoping I'm wrong in thinking the way I do. He said leave it till the weekend and see how it goes and that he doesn't understand where I'm coming from as last weekend we had a great time

stubbornstains Wed 20-Nov-13 09:37:54

That back-turned thing speaks volumes. I think you should keep your dignity and not contact him again.

You didn't "wreck" anything- everybody has a right to discuss with their partner how the relationship is going, and expect some kind of reasonable response. If you hadn't raised the subject he might have strung you along for weeks, making you feel more and more miserable.

To declare your love for someone so soon and then cool off is a sign of emotional shallowness and immaturity- you've had a lucky escape.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 09:40:46

I think I will have to contact him to end it as he thinks we are seeing eachother on Friday for the weekend. It's going to be very hard I do like him.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 10:30:00

I don't know if I should suggest a break of say a week to see how we both feel about eachother. All I can see is he's in no hurry to do what he must by now realise I'm asking for at the moment. I don't know of I'm wrong comparing but I know previous BF would have sent me a little txt asking if I was ok and saying he loved me after what happened last night. I've not heard a thing from him though

Did you read my previous posts?
He doesn't love you, he's all about himself. I doubt he even cares how you feel. He used you to meet his needs and now he's not getting what he wants from you and is pulling away.
There is nothing wrong with you, you could be anyone in respect of meeting his purpose.
Break it off with him, lick your wounds and learn from it.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 11:40:21

eirikur I just re- read your previous post. Horrible as it seems I think you may be right. I am so tired of meeting men like this, I felt my last BF also was more about himself than me although we were together 4 yrs. how do you break it off with someone you still care about? What do I say? Phone, text, email?

I feel so totally led up the garden path tbh, I told him this last night and he reassured a bit but to me it doesn't seem right

I think a lot of my self doubt comes from my family. When I told my sister her response is " well you want more than people are prepared to give" when I pointed out he made all the declarations to me until I fell for him, her response was " well you shouldn't have believed it" so I can never win really and it's always me at fault in some way

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 11:42:30

Maybe sister is right I'm just too demanding

Well there may be a drop of truth in what she says in that you are looking for a lot of reassurance of his love at a point where love should not be part of the relationship. However you were seduced by his full on approach and let your guard down.
Do bear in mind though that you don't really love him, you love how his attention made you feel. And that's sadly easy to fake.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 12:08:00

Yes that's true I do seem to be looking for a lot of reassurance of love too early on and I feel shitty about it and like I've lost my pride. But yes I was seduced by the full on approach because he seemed so genuine, not your typical player, just someone who thought hed really found someone he could be with

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 12:11:13

'Demanding' is in the eye of the beholder smile You're you. That's all there is to it. If you like things a particular way and others don't meet your expectations, compromise will make you unhappy. And it's not wrong for wanting to believe 'I love you' ... although your Dsis has a point. It is one of the most fake phrases in the lexicon and should be treated with caution.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 21:58:43

Hadn't heard a thing from him all day, and I didn't contact him. Got in from work and had atxt asking how shift went, I replied and said to give me a quick ring. Then NOTHING more from him, he hasn't rung and not txt again!! He's totally playing me isn't he? We were meant to be in a relationship and he doesn't have the manners to reply. There again he's got a response from me so I guess that's all he was after. I'm shocked at how I totally wrong I judged his character to be. I NEVER would have had him down as this

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 22:07:27

I think the 'playing' idea could be a bit strong. The last thing that happened was what sounds like quite a heavy conversation - he was put on the spot - so he's chosen to back off a bit. If you want someone more attentive and he's falling short, then go your separate ways. No drama.

20000leagues Wed 20-Nov-13 22:15:08

I'm just feeling fed up I guess he's not right for me. If I ever talk about my feelings about something he backs off yet its fine and dandy for him to do so. The problem has arisen because he was mr attentive at the start so its not like he can't do it. I'm feeling like its a form of control in a way, don't say too much about certain topics, always be pleasant and happy or he will back off. It's not reality though is it

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 21-Nov-13 07:09:50

'He's not right for me'

That's all that matters, really. Tempting though it is to analyse, if he's not right for you, he's not right for you. It's an eight week thing... easy come, easy go. Let him go.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 08:24:53

I still haven't ended it, not quite sure what to say or whether to text phone or email. I have never finished with someone I still like before. After him ignoring my request to ring me Wednesday evening I didn't hear anything till thurs eve when he text me and I think he was going to ring as he asked if I was home. I was out and didn't have phone on me so it was 4 hrs before I replied, and said I'd been out without phone. Anyway no reply back at all. It's ridiculous isnt it, I have never been into game playing and point scoring, he's either heavily into that or doesn't really give a damn.

What shall I say to end it?

BitOutOfPractice Fri 22-Nov-13 08:41:19

Sorry Mr Arsewipe, this just isn't working for me any more and I think we should stop seeing each other."

Sorry if that sounds flippant. I know it's hard. I had to do it (for very different reasons) earlier this year and it was really upsetting. Screw your courage up and call him

Good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 08:45:07

'It's not working for me'... least said soonest mended.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 09:03:47

Tbh I would have done it sooner if the messages hadn't been so mixed. I've only posted the bad stuff, yet last weekend we went shopping together (all his idea) to buy some food as he was staying over a bit and planning our week. He has also said he can really see us going somewhere and if I don't feel the same he'd prefer I told him sooner rather than later. He's been planning Christmas with me. See why I've been confused?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 09:28:58

Here's the thing. None of this would matter at all if you weren't really falling for him. If you could find it in yourself to be ambivalent you could probably enjoy dating the guy in a casual way. Enjoy it while it lasts etc. But as you've gone from a standing start to head over heels and want him to feel the same and behave in a particular way, I think you're more vulnerable. You either have to back off emotionally and force yourself to be less in intense and more casual.... or you call it a day.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 09:46:19

I know and I don't think I can back off emotionally, I can pretend to a certain extent but the feelings are there and that's that. I do feel miffed and slightly angry at him that he's brought me to this by all the things he said to me and now he won't say anymore yet still keeps seeing me.

I can see I will end it I really have no choice sad

wannaBe Fri 22-Nov-13 10:34:55

cog speaks wise words. you've been together a couple of months, sometimes these relationships start out with infatuation and then when the relationship becomes a reality it's not the same. It happens. It's of course unfortunate that you've now fallen for him but we are talking eight weeks here not years or even months.

I wouldn't even necessarily say that he's a player or that he's not that into you per se. It may actually just be that he doesn't need to chase (and if you're together he doesn't need to really) and wants something more steady. You say you have fun when you're together, why can't you hold on to that. over analysis of where you're going and how much in love you are and how many texts are sent/received at this stage can be very destructive and if it were me I might be tempted to back off from that as well tbh.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 10:51:18

wannabe I am naturally an insecure person and not just in romantic relationships. This is what I've been trying to work out whether he still wants a relationship and is just settling into being more steady or if he's backed right off me. My natural insecurity always makes me fear the worst unfortunately

ThreeTomatoes Fri 22-Nov-13 11:00:55

"I'm shocked at how I totally wrong I judged his character to be."

You know what? You're not wrong now, you've seen it all for what it really is, and pretty early on in the relationship too, you've called him on it, and you're preparing to end it. Well bloody done, I say!

(Klaxons were ringing from your OP, for me, 20000leagues. I've been there. An old boss of mine who i got waaaay too involved with . "well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" This, down to a tee, he said something very like that too. In the end I blew the whistle on him and he was sacked for 'abusive and threatening behaviour'. so there you go. Anyone who would arrogantly say something like that I would now give a wide berth to.)

You say you still like him, but really, read the stuff you've been posting about him, he's not likable, you need to switch that off! smile Is it possible you only 'like' him because of how he massaged your ego at the beginning really, when you think about it? You were sucked right in because of your insecurity - and he's clearly an arsewipe who does it well... not your fault at all...

wannaBe Fri 22-Nov-13 11:07:41

the problem is that insecurity can be very stifling to the recipient and can end up being a self fulfilling proficy iyswim. ask yourself this:

Do you get on when you're together? have a good time? are things ok between you? if so then needing constant validation will put a pressure on that which doesn't need to be there. If you just relax and go with the relationship then time will tell if it is going anywhere, but reality is that after just two months it's very early days and it may or may not have a future.

and his reluctance to make gestures etc may not actually be him backing off, it may be him being scared off. Relax into the relationship, don't seek constant validation and see how it goes.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 11:08:52

If you're insecure, the last place you should look for security is in the good opinion of someone else. Boyfriends come and go. If they are nice people it's unfair to make them responsible for your self-esteem. If they are not very nice people, they will take your insecurity and use it against you.

JeanSeberg Fri 22-Nov-13 11:12:16

Perhaps some time being single would be useful now. I'm struggling to see what he's done wrong here.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 11:13:17

A few weeks ago he even suggested we both close accounts on the dating site we met on, which we did together so I know he did it too. All this was his idea. He's a real mindfuck isn't he

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 11:14:34

I'm clearly not in a good place so I'm leaving it for now

ThreeTomatoes Fri 22-Nov-13 11:32:33

What Cog said.

Jean Really??

From here :-

"The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll hear that you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" - where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you'll miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before offering a commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated with others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 11:37:33

Oh god that describes him to a tee. But he had all his combined with an air of not being very confident and quite shy and insecure himself. So I just didn't see him as a player type

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 11:41:02

The other thing he's said and done which has confused the situation is he has told me if he thinks an argument may be on the cards he likes to get away/ let things cool down before seeing eachother again. So I had put some of his behaviour down to that

ThreeTomatoes Fri 22-Nov-13 11:44:47

i.e. 'don't challenge me on anything or i'll back off'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 22-Nov-13 11:45:54

Eight weeks into dating... what could there possibly be to make him think there's an 'argument on the cards' worth cooling down from? hmm

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 22-Nov-13 11:46:24

I agree with what wannaBe said,

over analysis of where you're going and how much in love you are and how many texts are sent/received at this stage can be very destructive and if it were me I might be tempted to back off from that as well tbh.

20000 if you are not getting out of this relationship as much as you feel you put in, finish it.

wannaBe Fri 22-Nov-13 11:51:29

I think all that is a bit cynical. There are players like that out there, equally there are people on mn who declared love and marriage desire for each other within days/weeks and who are still together. Everyone is different.

But tbh the op sounds like quite hard work. The man is still talking about a future, wants her to meet his children, is planning Christmas together and the op says he's backed off because he's not still showering her with text messages? If a relationship is to have substance then it has to consist of more than the constant reminders of how much you love each other. Yes there has to be space for that as well, but there has to be some deeper substance as well, and doing things together at weekends is a huge part of furthering that relationship into something more. If he wanted to back off he wouldn't be suggesting she meet his children, he would be making excuses for not meeting up (he isn't), but he might well do if op continues this level of insecurity.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 11:55:00

I think the problem is that I wouldn't even be thinking "love" at this stage if he hadn't been so super keen and seductive to start with. Yes I should have held back and I did try but he got to me, because he didn't seem arrogant, wasn't classically good looking he seemed genuine.

cog he said he hates arguing (who doesn't) and can't see why relationships can't just be about being happy and loving and enjoyment. Have to say that all sounds great but very hard to sustain all the time. Then he said rather that argue he prefers to leave and wait for things to cool !

ThreeTomatoes Fri 22-Nov-13 12:04:53

I see what wannabe is saying, but I really don't like the sound of him, OP. "he can't see why relationships can't just be about being happy and loving and enjoyment" Lovely, but what happens if there's something you're not happy about? I think there's a warning bell there too.

I do agree with wannabe that your description of your own insecurity sounds like it's possibly hard work too. This might help you think a little about what you want from somebody: I once read a book called "You're Not Alone" by Xandria Williams, and one of the exercises in the book was to write down everything you want from a relationship. so for e.g.

"Someone to share my interests"
"Someone to cuddle every night"
"Someone who replies to all my texts straight away"
etc (i know, the third one's silly but just to make a point...)

You then re-write the sentences from the point of view of the prospective partner. so, eg

"I need to share her interests"
"I have to cuddle her every night"
"I must reply straight away to all her texts"

Try it - it's quite an eye-opener. When I did it, it made me realise just how unrealistic it was to expect there to be somebody out there who could fulfil all my needs, and how unreasonable it was to ask that of somebody.

ThreeTomatoes Fri 22-Nov-13 12:05:52

Oh and also, doing that exercise also makes you realise just how little the other person and their needs/interests etc features in your list.

Grennie Fri 22-Nov-13 12:10:38

I think trusting your gut feelings is important. And 2 months in, you shouldn't be feeling that he is no longer being nice to you as he used to be.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 12:13:25

Actually I'm realising his behaviour has made me insecure. The huge shift in being so keen to seemingly not that bothered in such a short time is what has caused this. I agree I have probably become hard work now but I think his behaviour has had a hand in this.

I don't expect anyone to fulfil all my needs its just not possible. I just expect to be treated properly

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 12:14:07

And not have this horrible feeling of not quite knowing where I stand

ThreeTomatoes Fri 22-Nov-13 12:19:33

YES. I think you're right!

Grennie Fri 22-Nov-13 12:20:15

His behaviour making you insecure, is a very bad sign.

He should be making you happy.

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 12:27:08

He should be and he used to make me happy. It's no good trying to work out his mind, I will never be able to do that and he's obviously not man enough to talk to me. All I need to know is I'm not happy like this

galaxydefender82 Fri 22-Nov-13 12:41:11

Sounds like you are overthinking things. Everybody goes to those extra lengths and makes extra effort at the beginning of a relationship. My OH and I have been together 6 months. She used to drive over at random times of the nights just for cuddles etc, doesn't anymore lol

Do you suffer with anxiety? You sound very insecure

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 12:43:13

No I don't. However I think 2 months in is the start of a relationship

Grennie Fri 22-Nov-13 12:48:31

Relationships should make you happy. If they don't, it is really not worth sticking with it.

galaxydefender82 Fri 22-Nov-13 12:50:17

Depends really, if it's intense and you saw each other a lot, 2 months can feel longer than what it is.

Anyway, I don't ee why he would be with you if he didn't want to be, perhaps he's just playing it cool

bigstrongmama Fri 22-Nov-13 13:57:18

If he is 'playing it cool' it's a bit nasty to carry on playing when his partner says she doesn't like it!

Go with your gut feeling op. You sound pretty reasonable to me. Maybe there is nothing wrong with him, that might just be his style, and if so he's not for you.

I get what he means about relationships being about enjoyment though, I think it should be about adding to your lives and having a good time, but you do need the serious underlying feelings too for it to work.

This is not working for you.
Send the text - 'It's not working for me' and leave it at that.
Take back the control and end this.
It's making you miserable and making you doubt yourself.
Nothing is worth that. Especially not 8 weeks in.
If it's hard work now can you imagine what it will be like in 4 months, 1 year, 5 years time!
No - get out now.
As I like to say (OK I stole it):-
THEY ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

livingzuid Fri 22-Nov-13 16:40:45

hells has hit the nail on the head. He has all the control right now. Take the control back by saying no to not being treated this way. It is not how you want to be treated in a relationship. Don't settle for half measures and the 'should I text shouldn't I' bs! If you're over analysing and reading into every action then I don't think that's healthy for you.

Do you trust him? And I don't mean just in terms of cheating but to cherish and treat you the way you want? If the answer is no then it may be time to call it a day before it goes any further as he may not be able to give you what you need. The right man wouldn't make you feel this way - you've had a difficult past and they should respect that and work with you to build up that trust. It's hard but then aren't you worth the effort?

Words are meaningless it's the actions to back them up that count! Good luck smile

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 21:26:23

I am not impressed at all by him. It's over, I sent at text earlier today as after reading some replies on here I thought it might be me that was being hard work. So I just asked him to give me a quick text or call to let me know if he was coming over this evening or tomorrow ( as previously planned) and I have heard NOTHING so that tells me everything. End of!

Thank you for all your replies, god knows how I will believe another man again I have lost all faith

TwoStepsBeyond Fri 22-Nov-13 21:50:03

You seem to be testing him with your texts asking him to phone you or contact you. When he doesn't jump you get offended.

Perhaps he's busy, maybe his phone is on silent while he's doing something else, maybe he's watching a film and will call you later. Not texting straight back isn't the end of the world.

If you want to speak to him try phoning HIM instead of asking him to call you. It's 2013, we're allowed to make some of the moves ourselves. Maybe he's cooled off because he's fed up of always being the one to initiate things?

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 22:04:44

It's nothing to do with him not texting back straight away and I do ring him sometimes. I txt him today and asked him to contact me to let me know when he was coming over because he was at work, which is the reason I didn't ring. And as I said no reply

IWishYouWould Fri 22-Nov-13 22:11:35

op, you have seen this in the right way. You're not hard work, he is simply the wrong man for you (and perhaps a lot of women with his behavior). There will be someone who will come into your life, who will want to be there for you and make you happy. Hold out for that man, not game players who may one day suddenly treat you righthmm. Don't contact him any more. I wouldn't be surprised if once you stop, he is keen again and has an arm full of excuses to reel you back in. Stay strong and build up your confidence. Perhaps talk to a friend instead, your sister sounds like she will be abrupt rather than the emotional support you need. brew

20000leagues Fri 22-Nov-13 22:21:00

Thank you iwish I have to face it now he has treated me poorly. Even if I had been the biggest pain in the arse the other night, and I probably was to be fair, he could have been man enough to a) put his arms round me and reassure me b) tell me it wasn't really working anymore

He is a weak character who has kept me dangling on a string now since Wednesday with just the odd message and wanting it all on his terms with no real regard for my feelings

IWishYouWould Fri 22-Nov-13 22:30:31

yep, I agree with everything you said. He should have comforted you, held you and washed away all your worries. He didn't even turn over. He doesn't care. Time to move on and end his game. By doing it yourself now and not weeks down the line, (after chasing any glimmer of hope and feeling lower with each failed attempt) you can smile knowing you are in control of your life. no one else. Wake up tomorrow as single and all options open to you. Embrase all that you enjoy and smile. These are the things that will give you happiness and perhaps in time someone who shares those things too.

ThreeTomatoes Fri 22-Nov-13 23:17:56

Definitely over, isn't it. If he does contact you again for any reason, maybe with some flimsy excuse or something, text him straight back saying "It's over."

livingzuid Fri 22-Nov-13 23:39:14

At the start of a relationship I'd expect a man to jump! And show keen. And reassure me that I'm loved and wanted and being a bit insecure is natural and OK given what you have been through and give me a bug hug. Real men will do that because they understand where you are coming from and will move heaven and earth to make you feel loved and special. They do exist.

This guy doesn't do that. I'm glad you have kicked him to the kerb. Save yourself for someone who will treat you the way you want. Sorry you are hurting though sad

bunchoffives Fri 22-Nov-13 23:55:04

Just be prepared for the 'love' onslaught that is about to come your way OP. I predict a second wave of OTT attention and feelings when he realises that you've dumped him. And it will should confirm that he is the gobshite loser as described above. So far he is a total photofit. sad

20000leagues Sat 23-Nov-13 04:12:49

I still find it hard to reconcile the person he was to me at the start and also even last weekend he still appeared to be "in" the relationship, if not verbally expressing how he felt, he was still arranging to see a show with me in January and planning Xmas.

Part of me thinks that its whenever I challenge him on something he behaves like this. I think he's terrified of getting hurt, lat time something similar happened and he backed off for a couple of days when he came back he talked a bit and said he realised he could get badly hurt again. Anyway I can't really live this way can i

Terrified of being hurt? No, he doesn't like being challenged, or having to deal with anything other than 'happy fun times' so he punishes you when you step out of that.

Please don't ever ascribe a man's bullshit behaviour to being 'scared of being hurt'. It doesn't give carte Blanche to act like a dick. Nobody wants to be hurt, why do men get to use this as a pass to be withholding, manipulative twats? And men who are terrified if being hurt don't come in all guns blazing talking about love a month in. They hold back, just like women do.

livingzuid Sat 23-Nov-13 08:06:15

Nope, you can't live that way! It's emotional manipulation designed to make you never challenge him. So you're never allowed to say when something bothers you about him? That is impossible!

Some men come on strong at the start to hook you when they can sense you holding back. Then once they have you they lose interest. Some women are like that of course too. But lots of men don't have the courage to say it's over. They expect it to happen like some form of osmosis without feeling the need to have that discussion. It's a crock of shit and you need to be sure you save yourself here. It's exactly as eirik says men who are scared of getting hurt don't declare themselves like that. I'm sorry it's so rubbish for you.

20000leagues Sat 23-Nov-13 08:23:04

I know the whole thing is ridiculous anyway it's the end. It's funny really because I had an ex who was EA but in a different way to this guy. I thought I was not able to say what I felt or express unhappiness about his behaviour, actually most of the time I could but he would get very verbal and forceful. I was never frightened but he could talk me down. Although a plus was I always knew exactly what he thought.

Because this new guy was quiet I automatically assumed he wasn't like the ex but obviously he is but in a passive aggressive way ( must look at my Lundy book again)

Last time this happened was when I gently had a question about our sex life and he walked out of my house, when I saw him 4 days later he said it never entered his head we were over and had only gone away to let things cool down. So he knows now exactly what I'm thinking and obviously doesn't give a shit

20000leagues Sat 23-Nov-13 20:55:47

Am feeling very lonely and sorry for myself tonight sad

It has even started crossing my mind something has actually happened to him which is why he hasn't been in touch. Car accident ( drives for a living) further heart problems or suchlike. Just finding it difficult to believe he could be so ignorant as not to even txt to end it. Please talk some sense into me

DeMaz Sat 23-Nov-13 21:24:25

20000, is there any chance that he may have met someone else? I'm sorry to have to ask that but every time a guy suddenly changes that's the first thing that enters my head!

20000leagues Sat 23-Nov-13 21:35:09

Anything is possible I suppose. But he was till planning a trip to cinema this weekend only last Sunday and saying he was looking forward to seeing my daughters baby when it's born in January. I think it's more to do with what I was saying to him on Tuesday night when I saw him. He txt weds after my evening shift at work and txt thurs asking if I was home ( he normally asks this before he rings) I took 4 hrs to reply due to the fact I didn't have phone on me. I've heard nothing since and he was meant to be over this weekend

I have to move on but am just feeling down this evening

DeMaz Sat 23-Nov-13 21:57:48

20000, I know how difficult it is at the moment. It's the 'not knowing what's going on' that's driving you crazy but something doesn't sit right with me. There's too many gaps and something doesn't seem to be 'flowing' right.
Also, men can say a lot of things to keep a woman sweet. They're just words. If he can't take a minute just to text you then there might be something else distracting him...
Tuesday, has nothing to do with it. If something is bothering you, you speak to your partner. That's what a relationship is about. Communicating, talking about how you feel. Don't beat yourself up about that! He's the problem. A woman's instinct is usually right x

20000leagues Sat 23-Nov-13 22:12:00

Yes I am not able to communicate to him how I feel if its something he doesn't want to hear because he does a disappearing act. He's done it once before. His explanation is he likes to let things cool down rather than fall out. But it's just downright horrible not to reply to a txt if we were meant to be spending weekend together. The least he could have done was say he'd prefer the time on his own this weekend

DeMaz Sat 23-Nov-13 22:41:45

But if you can't communicate with him then surely there is a huge problem with this relationship. He can't decide to just disappear every time it's something he doesn't want to hear.
He's being so cruel by not texting you or getting in contact. Relationships aren't always just about fun and happy times. It's also about getting through difficult and hard times together.
To be honest 20000, I think it's time to call it a day... You are worth so much more!

DeMaz Sat 23-Nov-13 22:43:22

Also, you may feel like you're hard work but I just think he's made you like that!!! It should never be this hard!!

20000leagues Sat 23-Nov-13 22:46:12

It's no relationship at all if I can't express myself and he doesn't care for me if he treats me like this. All day I have been debating whether to contact by txt or email to say its over dont contact me again, or whether to just leave it as why should I give him the easy way out by doing it myself. If he did contact me again I would do it then

20000leagues Sat 23-Nov-13 22:48:30

demaz thank you I think he's made me hard work as well. I was deliriously happy at the start until he gradually started withdrawing as I got closer. He was very pleased with himself that he'd broken my barrier down and I guess that was enough for him!

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 02:19:06

Sorry you are so low. It's a shitty thing he has done to you. It's hard with no closure from his side but don't text or email. His deafining silence is all the answer you need. I think if he has had an accident you would know about it by now.

It isn't meant to be hard work like this and he shouldn't just bugger off when you have something to say, how ridiculous!

madwomanintheatt1c Sun 24-Nov-13 02:36:20

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

madwomanintheatt1c Sun 24-Nov-13 02:37:39

And you were the one that took four hours to reply when he texted you!!!! And yet somehow if he does this to you it's wrong?!


Honestly, leave him be. He's probably terrified.

Monty27 Sun 24-Nov-13 02:44:18

Is he my ex shock

I dumped, as soon as was appropriate. It is a mirror story though.

Just dump him.....

payhisdebt Sun 24-Nov-13 04:07:15

agree with madwoman

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 05:26:30

Op I really hate seeing anyone hurting and its very clear how upset you are. Having read through your posts I do have to say that you seem extremely insecure. You seem to want someone that will be constantly reassuring you otherwise you start getting really paranoid. TBH, you have only been dating for 8 weeks. It's only 8 weeks.. When I was single I would not have expected to see someone I was dating for 8 weeks every single weekend and through the week. At 8 weeks most new relationships are still quite casual, you are still getting to know each other and you should be having fun rather than getting so deep about everything.

Trying to put myself in his position. So he meets someone he likes by the sounds, he admits his been hurt before, he tells her that he cares deeply for her, his making future plans etc. He starts settling into a new relationship and then bang out of the blue he gets the Spanish Inquisition about why his not constantly telling her how much he likes her anymore, been constantly attentive and texting/emailing continually etc.

Looking at it for that position, if I were him, I would be running a mile too. Prior to meeting DH, I once briefly dated someone that was really needy and insecure. I have to say, it's really hard work. After about 2/3 months I backed right off and ended it. The thought of continually having to reassure someone like that is exhausting. Personally I found it emotionally draining and it really put me off him.

I am not trying to take aware from your pain and disappointment Op. It is awful to fall for someone and it not work out. But it's only been 8 weeks and clearly this isn't working for either of you. Cut your losses and move on.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Sun 24-Nov-13 08:11:32

I also agree with madwoman, there is no wonder he's gone silent.

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 08:30:32

I feel I have to defend myself slightly here. Yes I agree I shouldn't have given him an inquisition over his feelings and if they had changed. HOWEVER I only became insecure when there seemed to be a shift in his behaviour to me. Tbh I felt as though we had become an old married couple already not somebody newly dating

He was happy to come to mine on his chosen nights/ weekends and have me cook, which is fine now and again and if all the romance that was there only 8 weeks ago was still there I think it would have been ok

As regards the texting, I don't care, neither of us are into texting all day long, it was only ever one or two to make arrangements. I mentioned that purely because I hadn't received a reply regarding arrangements this weekend which so far as I knew were still on. I hadn't been told differently.

I don't expect a constant stream of attention but I was slightly worried/ sad/ miffed that after such a short time albeit really intense to begin with ( instigated by him I might add) that it appeared to have died down so much. I think it was just the huge contrast that struck me

Oh and I don't really think its odd to wonder why a man doesn't want to have penetrative sex when you are in bed doing everything else and after about 6 weeks gently raise the issue with him to see if its something that you can work on together

DeMaz Sun 24-Nov-13 08:31:16

How confusing for the OP for her BF to be absolute besotted and loved up with her one moment then suddenly turn cold and distance the next!!
Sorry but if that happened to me, I'd want to know what the hell was going on too...

ThreeTomatoes Sun 24-Nov-13 08:44:43

LittlePeaPod "At 8 weeks most new relationships are still quite casual, you are still getting to know each other and you should be having fun rather than getting so deep about everything." Exactly - he piled it on way too early in order to reel her in.

' "I said jokingly "ah but that was to hook me in wasn't it" and he said "well I did get you didn't I, hook line and sinker" '

^ This makes me shudder. As I said, I've been there. She's had a lucky escape IMO.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 08:49:53

Hi op. I just read the last few days posts and I'm sorry to say it looks like you've been dumped hmm

I've also just clocked that you met online. Explains a lot to me having had considerable experience of online dating in the last 18 months. For some reason it seems to send some people a bit bonkers and they inexplicably think that it means that the normal rules of civilised behaviour suddenly do not apply. The most common manifestation of this is the disappearer. All keen and eager one minute. Then, suddenly, complete silence. Disappeared. This has happened to me several times. And if you read the dating thread here you'll see it is so common. Admittedly this one got further in than most disappearers. But nonetheless that's what he's done. I'm so sorry he managed to engage your feeling before he did one.

Try and learn from this though (and I know online dating is a steep. Learning curve). Try and drop your shoulders and relax into it a bit. And grow a slightly thicker, more cynical skin. There are lovely men online but you need a cool head on your shoulders to find one.

Chalk this up to experience and I hope you're ok

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 08:53:17

threetomatoes that's exactly how I feel. He plied it on way too early. Whether it was a conscious effort to reel me in or whether he just got carried away and jumped in too far too soon I don't know. But the result is I fell for him and he backtracked triggering my insecurity. It wasn't me who was getting all heavy and serious. He actually asked me why I was getting all heavy and serious the other night when I was questioning what had changed. I said that was a bit rich coming from him who had been saying he could see himself marrying me in a year or so

And the line about " hook line and sinker" could just be put down to a bit of banter between a couple if he was still here, but he's not is he!

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 08:53:35

leagues you don't need to defend yourself against such a coarse post. He didn't fit the bill for your needs and thank goodness you found out now rather than later. And to top it off he isn't man enough to tell you that it's not working for him.

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 08:57:43

bitoutofpractice he suggested we close our accounts on dating site a few weeks back as we had found eachother, also that we both do this together which we did. I will not be re opening mine after this fiasco

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 09:04:41

living that's the worst thing of all that he hasn't shown me the courtesy of saying its not working for him. He doesn't even have to speak to me he could email me. It's just horrible. I'm half thinking he's leaving his options open. Last time this happened albeit not for so long when we saw eachother again I told him I was just at the point of deciding that was it. He looked all shocked and said so far as he was concerned ending was never on the cards he was just letting things cool down!

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 09:13:36

Op yep. I've had that too.

I am really sympathetic to you but you need to put this down to experience and move on (I don't mean to the next man I mean emotionally). It's been 8 weeks. It could've been worse

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 09:18:24

I'm trying my best, I know it's only 8 weeks, but it was very intense and triggered all sorts of feelings. However it shouldn't take too long till I forget him. I'm staying single a while now though

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 09:23:09

Op like I said on my post I was trying to take away from your pain or having a go at you. It would be unpleasant to have a go at someone in pain regardless of circumstances. You should not feel the need to defend yourself. I may see things slightly different to others but that is not an attack on you. My post was to try and get you to consider the situation from a slightly different prospective.

I think the real learning point you may need to consider from this experience for the future is, really get to know someone before you allow yourself to fall so quickly. I would have been slightly wary red flags of someone that told me they loved me after only a few weeks. How can they? they dont really know me! He may well have meant everything he said initially but then it may just have fizzled out. It happens, people meet get besotted initially and then think "actually I am not all that into you".

The fact his backed off and gone silent says a lot. Cut your losses, move on and chalk this one down to experience. Yes you are unset about it ending this way but you were only dating for 8 weeks. You have no ties or commitments to him. Personally I wouldn't try to over analyse the situation too much. No point, because its clearly over and would you really want to go backthere anyway? Next time try and keep things a bit more casual for te first few weeks. Get to know him, his friends etc. before allowing yourself to fall.

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 09:24:52

That she read " I was not trying".

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 09:34:34

I know it's hard and I'm not trying to minimise how you're feeling at all. But you have no choice now but to grab a hold of your bootstraps and move on. You'll get there and in a few months you'll just shake your head in disbelief at the arseholery that some people online get up to.

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 09:38:17

grin # arseholery.. Great word!

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 09:58:47

peapod I realise you weren't having a go at me, it was a different post I felt the need to reply to. I have been looking at it from all sides, his as well as mine and have come to the conclusion that it was the change in him that made me insecure. I know it was all too fast and I also was aware that all that was a red flag. Even he said it was mad but that's just how he felt, perhaps he shouldn't have vocalised it all so soon.

Anyway he got to me, we seemed to be in tune on so many day to day things. I honestly don't know how to prevent myself from falling for someone in the future though. I've never been good with keeping my heart in check although I'm quite good at appearing as though I am. I do tend to fall head over heels once I feel safe. How do I stop this? I have no idea, surely feelings are feelings?

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 09:59:31

grin at arseholery too

Lazyjaney Sun 24-Nov-13 10:06:39

I agree with madwoman, I think you got too intense too early and scared him off OP.

I also think a lot of the advice you got early in this thread wound you up more and partly made the rift worse.

DeMaz Sun 24-Nov-13 10:23:58

Lazy, the OP didn't get too intense, her BF did! Now she's questioning herself...

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 10:39:47

So it's ok for a man to be really full on and talk of a future and love really early on and when he wins you over and you fall for him ( yes I agree all too quick but its not totally unheard of for these things to sometimes work) suddenly I am the one that was too intense and SCARED him off. It was all too intense too soon but I don't think it's fair to say I scared him off. If he was so scared he shouldn't have got involved so quickly ( or pretended to) seems as soon as he realised I'd fallen for him he suddenly didn't need that level of relationship anymore

I'm glad for all these different points of view btw as its making me see things as they really were

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 10:50:50

You are right and feelings are difficult to control. But the intensity of the situation can add to this. Maybe next time just do some dating. Go out on dates rather than him coming to your home so often. Don't see him as often so quickly. Just slow things down from how they progressed this time. Try not to take things like been told his fallen in love so quickly to seriously.

I also agree with Lazy some of the advice you got initially did wind you up.

I don't think this guy purposely went out to make you fall for him, then dump you because his controlling or whatever. Yes he shouldnt have got so intense but maybe he did and then realised whenut was too late. that doesntmake his actions right. I think its all got really intense, maybe after a while his got comfortable and thought it not necessary to constantly verbalise how he feels because you seem to connect so well, you have both stopped communicating effectively, paranoia has set in and its all just got way too intense for both of you (one way and another). You have got upset/insecure and yes maybe he got scared..

I don't know but none of it matters now. What matters is you move on and learn from this so you don't leave yourself so vulnerable to been hurt like this again. Ultimately if you allow yourself to fall so quickly before really getting to know someone then you leave yourself open to been hurt.

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 10:54:54

peapod smile I think you may be right about what went wrong. I never had him down as a player, still don't. Shame it didn't work though

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 11:10:54

You know Op for arguments sake even if he was a player. Well best finding out now and getting shot because the relationship could have ended up been "a real mind fuck". Imagine feeling insecure and constantly wondering every single day! Mind Fuck! grin

beaglesaresweet Sun 24-Nov-13 11:38:58

ha, that's exactly the classic situation that 'The Rules' bang on about, i.e. it's up to a woman to pace the relationship when a guy rushes in. Oh well, no wonder so many wome feel cynical about men and their 'romance'.

FWIW it's not easy to see them less when they are all full-on and you are attarcted sexually, they get all resentful if you start rationing the meetings - I had one BF like this, all talk of the future etc. Or you have to lie and make up reasons why you are busy every night! Very controlling really, as when I tried to slow down he just got upset - but all the pressure has put me off and it all finished in 3 months, he wasn't happy either in the end. Still with a gentler man, like OP's, slowing down on her part might have worked.

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 12:02:54

The other thing too is that we are all different with different needs. Some people don't want or are not comfortable with too much too soon and that's absolutely OK. Some don't care about wanting to be in touch too much etc.

Just going to go into a personal comparison an I promise there is a point smile I'm personally not the above type. I want to always be chatting and in touch with my partner. I'm incredibly needy for a whole host of reasons I won't go into. And my DH is exactly the same. We text all day long, call as soon as I leave work and when I have to travel we sleep with Skype on so we know the other is there. It's been like that from day 1 of our relationship and I love that I can be that way with my life partner.

Not that I am saying you are like what I've just described of course! I cant understand people who are married quite happy to live in different continents from their spouses or just want to see each other once a week. Just as some people would be like wtf about how I want my relationship to be.

Point is you want and deserve to be treated the way you want and this guy didn't even come close to cutting it. There is nothing wrong in knowing what you want and going for it - doing anything less is settling for second best.

And yes he's an arse for not letting you know and giving you false hope! It's cowardly.

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 12:05:16

And yes to what pea said you'd always be self-doubti where's the fun in a relationship like that?

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 12:06:28

I have to be honest I have never read any if those self help books. I thinks it's simple common sense not to rush into anything and be wary of those that do. And if they push for more than you want then dump their arse. If you fall for the over keen "I love you and we are soul mates etc" with a few months then be aware that you may get your fingers burnt.

There are two adults in a relationship. Both have full control of the dynamics. Neither of them have to put up with BS especially do early on in the dating process.

Lazyjaney Sun 24-Nov-13 12:08:08

What peapod said.

I'd add that I don't think he was a player, the opposite in fact.

Onward and upward, OP smile

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 12:18:46

Yes chin up op and onwards and upwards. smile flowers

beaglesaresweet Sun 24-Nov-13 12:37:52

livingzuid, you are lucky to have met him - and obviously knew exactly how to choose well - that's what's called finding a soulmate! I'm not quite AS needy grin, but needy enough, as so is OP by the looks of it. So far I couldn't find the right match. It's either he's full on too quickly (but kind of on his terms, and expects me to fall in with his routine too) while I want a somewhat slower pace, and he resents it, or a new partner is too distant for me. It's rare when you don't have to make an effort to adapt/compromise. Do you mind me asking, who initiated the relationship/dating with you two?

But generally the point I was making was in response to OP's comment of 'is it ok for men but not women to be full on' - and that's exactly covered in the Rules, that if a woman rushes in she's more reliable in her decision, but not so with men who are assertive andtake that first strong initiative, i.e. this type likes a challenge - I mean they can be genuine but then cool off if the woman starts being emotionally demanding quickly, and unfairly regardless of who started. That's why these books aer written - all the unfair points of male behaviour, not that you have to take the advice obv.

beaglesaresweet Sun 24-Nov-13 12:45:43

should add, they may be genuine in their thinking that this is the right woman, but it's not real love after a few weeks, whether they think so or not. That's why you need to slow down and and don't get influenced by the love declarations until he really KNOWS you and loves who you are.

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 13:15:28

*beagle, if only I was so smart grin it was pure luck! I wasted eight years of my life on a total loser who left me with minus self confidence and esteem and ended up with me finally walking out. Took a move halfway round the world to see the light.

We actually met online - both of us initiated it really! From the moment we met that was it. Two and a half years later we were finally able to get married. He says he would have married me that first weekend if he could. That's the kind of man that I want, someone who is 100% obvious about how they feel for me from the start with none of this game playing. Just be upfront why do so many guys do this elaborate dance confused But I know others would hate that - point is what is right for one is not right for another. There is a soul mate out there for all of us and yep I am a hopeless romantic and proud!

Sorry op for a bit of a derailment. But I love being able to be needy and he's the same back. There's nothing wrong with wanting that but if it's not reciprocated it's horrible.

I also think we ignore gut instinct at our peril and sometimes force things because on paper it seems so good (I could have saved myself 8 years for example!) . Reading this thread lesgues do you think you instinctively shied away at the start?

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 13:16:12

I find the "men are more assertive then women and take more initiative" a real irritating generalisation of women. We don't live in the 1940s/1950s. Women can be just as assertive and you know what if the guy doesn't like it then, move on. This is why I don't read these books, the annoy me because I find them intellectually patronising.

People are different though. I would find livings situation suffocating and I would off before he could type Skype.

But I am very headstrong and independent so I wanted a man that complimented my life and not someone that became my life. Probably why it took me till my mid to late 30s to get married and start a family. DH was also a bachelor till we met (he was Kate 30s) because he always ended relationships because the women he met always got really keen and needy.

I am probably not the best person for relationship advise because I normally think if you are dating someone and he isn't making you happy or you feel like games are been played then get rid. Stop wasting your time, life is too short.

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 13:16:36

Late 30s not Kate 40s

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 13:19:00

Just to clarify ex h was 8 years cold fish who gave me a bicycle pump for Christmas. DH nice and ott passionate and affectionate smile it's only Coz I am pg he can't come near me right now as I and the dog are super protective of my space grin

whoselifeisitanyway Sun 24-Nov-13 13:25:45

Yes I agree with the above poster. At the beginning everything is exciting and it sounds like he thought he loved you straight away and was dead keen. When reality set in, he probably felt a bit stupid and backed off a bit. It might have still had a chance of progressing if you had been a bit cooler. It can't be good for you getting so intense after a matter of weeks.

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 13:28:15

pea that's exactly it. We are all different and have different requirements. I'd be a gibbering wreck if I had to be all cool and collected with a bit of distance! But if one wants to have the distance and the other wants to be all close thats a recipe for disaster. People can't change can they - I've been guilty of trying to change a man and it's really not possible. Best to cut losses and move on. If only I had given my 20 something self that advice grin

I still think op's guy was a tool though and took a nasty way out by not being honest and just ignoring her. And stringing her along with talk of getting together over the holidays and then nothing. That's just mean and she didn't do anything to deserve that type of treatment.

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 14:07:49

I don't think he intentionally meant to be nasty. From what I have read I get the impression he took a step back to let things cool off a little. That doesn't necessarily mean he wanted it to end. I think op and this guy need to take responsibility for how it's ended. If he did want it to end he should have told op but op should have ended it too rather than hanging about waiting for him to determine her future. She clearly has been happy for a few weeks. I would have ditched him without a second thought had I been Op

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 14:09:02

Has not been happy.

This phone annoys me with predictive text. Grrtt

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 14:17:09

I was say he was, or putting him across as quite needy and having fallen for me big time almost straight away. I held back ( slightly ) because I found it a bit quick and I was scared of getting hurt. However I made the mistake of thinking because he seemed a genuine honest guy ( I know you can't really know someone in that time) but it was my gut instinct of letting my guard down. He said he could see himself married to me and if all was going well by after Xmas he'd like to get engaged. Yes crazy I know when I write it down. But like livingzuid I'm a romantic and love to believe things like this can happen. Plus we did get on. However when I agreed it might be possible he seemed ok for a while then used the birth of my daughters baby as a reason for delaying saying " we can't steal her fire" some alarms went off then but actually I wasn't that sorry as it was too soon. I didn't like that fact he used my daughter and couldn't just say he thought we were being hasty

I suppose I should have seen this coming sad

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 14:22:52

pea I think the reason I didn't ditch him a while ago is because I honestly couldn't work out whether I had just cause for feeling insecure or whether it was just me being a bit paranoid. I liked him and wanted to give it a chance because we did get on and have a laugh. Hence I asked him the other night why I was feeling things were abit different from his side and the rest is history

Roseflowers Sun 24-Nov-13 14:35:17

20000leagues I'm really sorry to hear that things have gone like this. I think the posters calling you needy and clingy are being a little harsh, at no point has the op said that she needs constant contact/ affirmation. I'm having the same concerns about someone I'm dating and its not that I need constant affirmation, its more about consistency than anything else. If you're with someone who seems absolutely mad about you and then you can tell (consciously or subconsciously) that they're backing off in that of course you're going to start feeling concerned.

OP I think you do need to start moving on from this one way or another, because even if things between you aren't over it seems to me that he isn't really making you happy as things are. He was, and that's why you're so bothered about this, and its ok to be upset by that. But you need to start moving on to positive stuff in your life again. If it were me in your shoes I would contact him and discuss (in a polite and calm manner) the fact that he hadn't been in touch when you had plans and sort out exactly what the situation is, because I think you may need that sort of closure to get a nice clean break. Again, I'm really sorry this has happened sad

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 14:44:17

I think therein lies the difference for me. I don't see the problem with wanting to ask someone where it is going after they've done a 180 on you. He didn't communicate at all. It's around 2-3 months as well isn't it when those sorts of conversations tend to happen? Or not in his case. Fair enough it did not work out and these things happen, but personally I don't think it's OK to not say 'sorry this is not working out' and leaving someone hanging without a word, particularly after such a song and dance he made at the start.

How are you feeling today leagues? Don't give up on the romance the right man is out there smile

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 15:31:56

rose and living your posts have made me cry at your understanding. I know it might seem mad to some to be upset after only 8 weeks duration, but your right I'm concerned and upset because he did make me very happy until the last couple of weeks. And yes he did make a big song and dance at the start I'm so annoyed I let myself fall. It was only last week he was saying that if I wasn't feeling the same as him he'd prefer I told him sooner rather than later before he gets more involved!!

So no wonder why my minds messed up. I have spent the day with my niece and my daughter but still feel low. The worst bit is the fact he's left me hanging but in a way it shows me what he's like because he could even email me it wasn't working, yet hasn't even afforded me that

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 15:33:30

Do you really think I should contact him in some way to get closure? If I did I wouldn't know what to say

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 15:43:38

Well you haven't done anything wrong for starters. If he's going to get scared off when you want to ask where it's going then that's his problem not yours. It's a reasonable question, no one has time to mess around and invest effort into a relationship that won't go anywhere.

Personally I wouldn't contact. But I know you're concerned something could have happened to him legitimately. I just think anything you text sounds like you are fishing for info if that makes sense. It's hard right now but it will get easier. Just give yourself time and hold your head high.

Also I am rubbish at these kind of things so not the best to advise. I'd send something quite rude which would be lowering myself to his childish level grin

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 15:44:31

As in you were being reasonable in trying to understand where things were going.

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 15:58:37

living I was being a bit wingey the other night asking him why he wasn't saying the same things to me that he used to for example that he loved me. Also why wasn't he so keen for me to go with him to meet his children like he's was before. I was aware myself that I was coming across as needy and even a bit desperate. However I still think that if everything he had told me about how he felt still held true then that wouldn't have driven him off. You don't tell someone you can see yourself married to them then do a vanishing act just because they have an episode of insecurity do you? So therefore it seems as though my gut instinct that he had changed was correct sad

beaglesaresweet Sun 24-Nov-13 16:13:33

I think the main problem is not his ebbing and flowing with declarations or even with plans to meet dc - a lot of people are slightly on and off with their romantic moods (but it's still there, just sometimes in a quiet way), BUT the problem is that he can't handle conflict! Big red flag.

I can't stand these immature avoider types, and he stated himself that he can't deal with disagreements and prefers to wait ill it blows over - I think that's exactly what he's doing now. I could nevre understand men like this, as how the heck would a problem just go away unless you talk about it like adults?? It works only if both parties are the same and prefer to distance and ignore untill they 'forget about it'. The bottom line is, you are not compatible with him, OP - it would be a major issues if you do somehow stay with him, unless he's willing to learn to communicate and be less wimpy.

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 16:17:23

Op I really think you are torturing yourself by over analysing this, for whatever reason he may well have changed his mind. If you want closure then its best you send a text/email putting the final nail in the coffin so to say Maybe send a text/email simply saying "having considered everything and bearing mind our recent communication I feel it would best all round for us to call it a day." Clear, to the point and no room for misunderstanding. That way you know it's over rather than sitting waiting, wondering whether he will text/email you. Take control and end it yourself. Unless you are hoping he does contact you and you can somehow sort this all out?

I have to admit I have been guilty in the past of going NC when I was dating someone I was not really that bothered about or had only been dating short term. I wasn't been intentionally nasty but just didn't see the point because I saw it as just casual dating and nothing serious. It never even crossed my mind the guy may have been left in limbo.

TwoStepsBeyond Sun 24-Nov-13 16:22:47

20000, having read some more of your posts and the responses I'm sorry for being a bit flippant earlier on, implying that you were expecting too much from him. I understand that it is easy to get close to someone very quickly when you spend quite a bit of time together and I know exactly how painful it is when someone does a u-turn on you when you thought you were on the same page.

Hope you hear from him, at least to put you out of your misery, but I agree with others that you shouldn't contact him as he's being a weasel - if you cave into his silence now he'll think that you're weak and that he can continue to treat you this way. If he does get in touch, as I'm sure he will at some point, don't let him worm his way back into your affections without some serious discussion about what you both expect from each other and what is unacceptable to you.

Like him, I prefer a bit of space to cool off rather than endless discussions going over the same thing when you're never going to agree, so I know where he's coming from, but even when I want some physical space I would still reply to a call or message within a couple of hours. Not to is just rude.

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 16:24:38

pea had you been telling the guy you went nc with you'd fallen in love and were hoping he had with you and you could see a future? If not then fair enough if it was only casual there's more excuse for not telling them, although I have to say I would stil tell them. In his case none of this was true and of course it must have crossed his mind that he's left it in limbo.

Anyway I've no intention of contacting him there's no point and likewise if I hear from him I will have to tell him it's over because obviously this will be how he operates every time there's an issue

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 16:28:19

twosteps that's ok smile funny thing is if he told me he needed some space as he was getting wound up I wouldn't have liked it but I would have respected him a lot more for being open and honest. I don't even expect a reply within hours but I don't expect to be blown out which is effectively what he's done this weekend as we had plans

livingzuid Sun 24-Nov-13 16:31:37

Beagle and Pea are right and I like pea's email suggestion. More sensible than mine would have been grin

Pea - I don't think you would have made declarations of love in the first week though! This guy didn't start off casual. It would have been much better if he had.

You haven't done anything bad. He put you in that position don't forget! And has refused to talk about it. Try your best to park this and move on. Not easy I know, but there are nice things like a new baby in the family to focus on? Do something nice for yourself like a spa day? He's not worth this energy and you deserve someone much better.

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 16:36:56

Op I have never easily told anyone I lovethem. Even when I knew I had fallen in love with DH and he told me he loved me, it took me a long time to actually say it. I have only ever told 2 men (including DH) in my entire life that I love them. That's probably why I would be a bit hmm of anyone that said it to me within weeks of meeting.

I did date one guy whom I initially really quite liked, that i really like him and that I thought he was really attractive and could see us making a go of it. But then after 3/4 weeks of getting to know him, I remember starting to get irritated with him so just cooled off and went NC. I think that's the most I have said to someone. However, I have always ended anything long term face to face.

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 18:40:35

What is the matter with me that I'm feeling so low and down. I'm missing him as well, it's ridiculous and I really don't want to spend more energy on him but I can't seem to be able to wipe it from my mind

I should have known better because I knew he was not long out of another relationship lasting several years when we met, yet so was I and I was no longer in love with my ex so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. We discussed these relationships and I said I didn't want to be a rebound if he still felt he wanted to try again with her, he assured me he didn't. Maybe it was all too soon I hate to say it but I do feel abit used

payhisdebt Sun 24-Nov-13 18:41:42

2000 have you actually ended things? Or has it just been left dangling?

I think people here have been really harsh towards your boyfriend, telling you to ditch him.

I really sympathise with your predicament because I am going through something similar . I am recently separated and seeing a wonderful man and have been for a few months. I get very insecure if he does not reply to my texts or appears not to be including me in his life and I struggle to wonder if it is because he is going off me ( there is no real evidence this is the case !) or if it is indicative of my anxieties and insecurities.

I have concluded it is my insecurities and he just does things in a different way/ at a a different pace. I am actually on anti anxiety medication and this is helping a lot. I have posted here for many years under different names , about my bad relationship with my ex ( we are getting on fine now we have split ) and this new relationship has been most unexpected and a source of great joy.

In my anxious moments the thought of this new joy being snatched away seems unbearable.

I am learning to chill , but it does not come naturally to me

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 18:47:38

I haven't ended it as such and I haven't heard from him so effectively it is left dangling. I can identify with your feelings completely. What upsets me most about this though is he knows I have some insecurities and effectively must realize he's adding to them by nc. So far as I understood we were going out this weekend hence my concern when he didn't reply to me Friday asking if he was over Friday eve or sat morning

payhisdebt Sun 24-Nov-13 19:01:32

well it's pretty rude of him not to reply to a direct text like are you coming Fri or Sat?

I'm going against the grain here but I'd phone him .

It may be that he has perceived some insult / slight from you and the two of you are in a bit of a stand off.

And I completely disagree with those who say its a red flag for someone to declare love early on in a relationship.

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 19:17:29

The only perceived insult I can see there might possibly be is that we had discussed his possibly coming round thurs eve but nothing was confirmed during my "interrogation" of him. So on thurs tea time I received a txt saying "hi hope you ok, are you home?" He normally asks this before he rings on landline. I was out without my phone and didn't reply til 4 hrs later. I apologised explaining I was out ect. Since then there has been no reply, either to that txt or to the one on Friday.

payhisdebt Sun 24-Nov-13 19:18:09

phone him

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 19:19:55

But to say what? I really don't know. Plus I'm not at all happy at his behaviour it's a bit extreme if its because of Thursday. What could I say?

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 19:32:19

Don't phone. If he texts you just reply "sorry it's over". Which I think it is isn't it? I'm so sorry he's turned out to be less than you hoped. Well done on dissing him out this quickly

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 19:36:24

Someone that "loved" me wouldn't get his own back by ignoring me just because of me not being around on Thursday evening and not texting back for a few hours would they?

akawisey Sun 24-Nov-13 19:47:11

He love bombed you.

He TOLD you he'd love bombed you.

He flip-flapped about the future.

He controls the physical and emotional closeness of this relationship.

He punishes you for stepping out of the script he has of relationships.

He's on the rebound.

He takes the piss out of you.

All this means that, however 'Nice' he HAS been - it doesn't make him a nice man. Don't contact him. When he's calculated enough time has gone by to pick you up again he'll be in touch. THEN tell him it's over.

LittlePeaPod Sun 24-Nov-13 19:47:19

Op do you really want to be with someone that makes you feel this way after 8 weeks? Don't call him, his already ignored you, stood you up and hasn't bothered contacting you over the weekend. He doesnt love you, thats not how you treat someone you love even if they have pisse you off. Stop torturing yourself. You were only dating for 8 weeks. Stay strong and work on getting over this. Move on and you will find someone much more suited to your needs.

Keep reminding yourself, it was only 8 weeks and you have been unhappy, paranoid and insecure for 2 of those weeks.

20000leagues Sun 24-Nov-13 19:50:35

I feel like printing these last two posts and pinning them on my wall smile

payhisdebt Sun 24-Nov-13 19:52:41

phone him and say "what's up?"

I had a similar situation a few weeks into my relationship where there was a no phoning stand off. I caved in and phoned and am so glad I did.

Without going into details there was a complete misunderstanding on both sides.

I could have ditched a wonderful thing because of my wounded pride

akawisey Sun 24-Nov-13 19:55:34

Well, good for you if you do smile.

Sadly, this is so common I could have been you a while ago. But I knew it wasn't me and binning him was far easier for that.

Don't phone him! What akawisey said. Don't phone him!

payhisdebt Sun 24-Nov-13 22:52:43

I despair of mumsnet sometimes and the consensus attitude to men on the relationships board.
people are so quick to cry LTB.

everyone deserves a second chance. what's the worst thing that could happen if OP gets back in touch . and what's the best thing?

beaglesaresweet Mon 25-Nov-13 00:11:58

payhis, maybe your situation was different, but I can't see why would anuy good comne out of OP phoning! he's been rude and ignoring her. Even if he bears a grudge about her being slow to respond to his text on thurs, which in itself is silly, he should have calmed down by now and at least told her that he was worried etc. Why should she phone when hers was the last message and he's got the ability to phone too.

I think he's stepped back because of that conversation (OP asking why he stopped talking about love) as he's not in the mood to do so and doesn't want more questions. Best to let him go, if he really misses her, he'll phone and he will have to learn how to behave in mature way if he's hoping to try again. but if not, ther is no point contacting him.

bunchoffives Mon 25-Nov-13 00:14:49

I don't think you've got the full picture *payhisdebt'

He told the OP he loved her well before he even knew her (shallow and immature, possibly controlling)

He withheld penetrative sex and refused to explain/discuss. When OP raised the matter he walked out and didn't get in touch for days. He also bought an unsolicited sex toy for OP before they'd had full penetrative sex (weird at best, waiting for a STD to clear up at worst)

He won't discuss any problems OP raises (immature, bad communicator, selfish, manipulative?)

He's blown hot and cold with no explanations (again immature, or manipulative?)

... and all this in just 8 weeks!

All things taken together mean the mn verdict is LTB.

I'm sorry you're feeling down and disappointed OP, but I really think you've had a lucky escape. You deserve much better than this loser who clearly doesn't know how to treat a partner properly.

My advice for the future would be to ignore any grand declarations (unless they are also very early on, in which case LTB) and take it at your pace, paying attention to how you are being treated. Unless it is with full consideration of your feelings and full respect, dump and move on. That way you won't get hurt.

Remember most people have to kiss a lot of frogs before they meet a prince.

payhisdebt Mon 25-Nov-13 00:21:03

none of us have the full picture !
that's exactly my point

beaglesaresweet Mon 25-Nov-13 00:33:28

full enough to know that it's up to him to phone and apologise for his disappearance, and if they want to end the relationhip, at least to do that in a mature way. They are just not compatible in their communication styles, what's point? He's an avoider, she's quite insecure - disaster zone. I bet if she phones, he will just ignore as he can't 'face the conflict'.

LittlePeaPod Mon 25-Nov-13 03:16:55

everyone deserves a second chance. what's the worst thing that could happen if OP gets back in touch . and what's the best thing?

Not everyone deserves a second chance. If someone behaves badly (excluding any form of cheating and abuse), they genuinely regret their actions and apologise for their behaviour then maybe, yes they deserve a second chance. But in these circumstances its their responsibility to make amends. It's not for the Op to go running after him like some lost and desperate puppy.

Not all of us have been so desperate to have a man in our life that we will do, accept and make excuses for appalling behaviour just on the off chance he may change... Personally, I have way more dignity than that. Plenty of fish in the sea, not saddling myself with a potential snake just because he happens to be one of the first few to swim by.

whats the worst thing that could happen? look at how upset the Op has been. How do you think she would cope if he carried on treating her as he has over the last two weeks? It would completely destroy any confidence and self belief she has left. That is not a risk that I think Op should be taking.

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 03:57:33

Hi everyone. Well to bring things to a head once and for all I did phone him. It was to say I wanted to clear the air as things had been left hanging it appeared the relationship was over and no I'll feelings bye bye. That's what I was. Was Going to say that on the phone but he didn't pick up. I then had a txt saying he was driving and couldn't pick up confused so I sent the above message in a txt

Lo and behold he txt saying he'd call in ten mins when he got home. He did call and I was all ready to discuss the message I'd sent and say goodbye when he starts chatting like nothing's happened. How's things, work ect I was a bit taken aback. So eventually I brought it back to the point of the relationship being over, and complete silence from his end. Then he says "i don't know, is it? " I pointed out he'd ignored txts which he didn't seem to remember ( yeh right) and he said he thought he'd give me the weekend

Then starts asking when I'm off this week and if he can pop over for a chat. I think he's crazy. I told him we had totally differing ways of dealing with conflict I like to confront things and sort them out, he likes to go away into his own little world. It's helped me see that it will never work, he's actually quite odd in his behaviour and its killed feelings I had for him because he's not who I thought he was

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 04:02:01

I'd dearly like to know however what on earth makes him behave the way he does. He appears to think he can do what he wants behave as he wants then he feigns surprise when the other person is upset, confused or thinks the relationship is over. Any thoughts?

LittlePeaPod Mon 25-Nov-13 04:47:57

Op. You are well shot. I really wouldnt waste anymore energy trying to dissect why this guy is the way he is or why he behaves the way he does. The only way you would get close to an accurate answer is if he saw a pychologist and you spoke to said pychologist. MN is not going to give you that answer.

Put your energy into moving on from this rather than obsessing about why the guy you dated for 8 weeks is the way he is.

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 06:07:28

pea grin psychologist you are probably right. He's a total nightmare. It's very scary how a person can seem so in love one minute then be a total arse the next. Personally I wouldn't treat a casual acquaintance the way he treated me.

livingzuid Mon 25-Nov-13 06:45:45

Glad you have some closure. The guy is a weirdo and you should not contact him again! Sorry it has been such a disappointment. Time to focus on you rather than the needs of an avoider. You're well rid of him.

livingzuid Mon 25-Nov-13 06:47:59

Honestly I don't think it worth trying to figure out what made him behave in such a way. You'll only end up finding imaginary deficiencies in what you did to make him do that when the truth is some people just have no idea how to go on. It's not worth it for only 8 weeks. Just know you deserve better.

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 06:51:51

Thank you living I do feel like I have some closure now. Can't believe I still actually expected a discussion with him, like an adult last night though. He's clearly not capable of it.

payhisdebt Mon 25-Nov-13 07:10:26

glad you phoned and glad you feel better about the situation and are no longer emotionally engaged / missing him.

Lazyjaney Mon 25-Nov-13 07:11:18

IMO this early in a relationship there is huge potential for totally misunderstanding each other, so over thinking stuff at this stage is a waste of time, better to "take love easy" as the old song goes.

But given where you got to, IMO contacting him and clearing things up was the right thing to do, gives you closure and clarity.

ThreeTomatoes Mon 25-Nov-13 07:12:44

2000 sorry I wasn't around yesterday to help counteract those who were still trying to say you should give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm not at all surprised how that conversation went. He knows exactly what he is doing and what he has been doing. So glad you've put a stop to it! I hope you can move on quickly now.

JeanSeberg Mon 25-Nov-13 07:12:48

How did the phone call end? Did you make it 100% clear you've ended it?

akawisey Mon 25-Nov-13 07:26:58

OP all possible permutations of why this guy does what he does are in this thread (with the exception of those who think he deserves another chance).

Stop thinking about why and accept he is not good for you. Delete everything, block him and DON'T contact him again if you value your self respect. It really is the only way.

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 08:12:43

jean I thought the text made that clear and he was calling to say bye bye, not to totally avoid the subject again. However true to form he avoided it and I brought it up saying we were too different in the way we handled things and its best if its over

BitOutOfPractice Mon 25-Nov-13 10:28:07

I wonder where he was all weekend eh?

Anyway, trying to analyse him now is a waste of time because, well, it doesn't really matter to you now. It'll be someone else's problem soon enough.

Hope you're OK this morning. Onwards and upwards xx

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 11:02:28

Well tbh without being mean, judging from the issues he has had regarding sex and the ED I can't see that he was up to much this weekend. He said on the phone he had been to see his daughter. He must have arranged that when he decided ( without informing me) that he wasn't going to see me this weekend. Charming!

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 11:03:47

I do feel a bit low though tbh, like I had a taste of something that could have been but never was. He couldn't handle me though could he

BitOutOfPractice Mon 25-Nov-13 11:17:25

Oh OP you're bound to feellow. Never nice to break up, no matter what he circs sad

Even the most charitable interpretation of this weekend is that he's a complete flake. And after the full-on stuff at the beginning, who wants to deal with a flake?

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 11:55:46

I'm probably being a bit thick here, but what's a flake? smile

BitOutOfPractice Mon 25-Nov-13 12:04:21

Someone who is flaky. Unreliable.

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 12:08:12

Ah ok. Was only flaky after I challenged or questioned him about something

livingzuid Mon 25-Nov-13 12:41:14

You're going to feel rubbish for a bit. You haven't been treated well which is hurtful. But don't focus on what you might have done or why he did xyz you will just end up chasing thoughts round in your head. Try to make some nice plans and spoil yourself. Do little things to make yourself feel better smile

akawisey Mon 25-Nov-13 12:58:32

OP everything about him is flaky.

May I suggest you visit the Baggage Reclaim site by Natalie Lue? Look at Future Faking and Fast Forwarding. I bet you recognise him there.

ThreeTomatoes Mon 25-Nov-13 13:05:48

"He couldn't handle me though could he" - that's not the case at all OP sad He reeled you in, thinking he had found someone he could manipulate and control, and has since realised you've seen through his games, has given it one last ditch attempt (let's hope it's the last attempt) to reel you back in but you've been too smart for that.

As others have said, treat yourself. smile

livingzuid Mon 25-Nov-13 13:43:52

What tomatoes said. It's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own issues.

LittlePeaPod Mon 25-Nov-13 14:20:03

You know what Op yes you will be a bit upset and disappointed this wasn't what you thought / hoped it would be. But, you must not forget that in the grand scheme of things you had a great time for 6 weeks. It was only 6 weeks and then 2 weeks of insecurities. If you saw him say 3 days a week for 6 weeks and then may 2 days in the last 2 weeks, that's only 20 days (less than a month). Is it really worth you getting really down over a guy you saw for say 20 days? What's 20 days? This thread has been going for 7 days, at this rate you will have conversed with us about him longer than you actually spent time with him..

Chin up, don't waste energy and time over analysing a guy you met up with for less than a month. It could be worse, this could have dragged on for another 12 months!

20000leagues Mon 25-Nov-13 15:06:03

pea we saw eachother a bit more than that and spent every weekend together, but yes, granted in the grand scheme of things it's not a lot. I think I'm down because I have lost the "idea" of the relationship I thought we had. I have been reading baggage reclaim, very interesting. But why is it that although I could spot him when reading do I somehow find it hard to believe that's really him? I can't shift the feeling from my mind that he's the nice guy I originally thought. WHY, it doesn't make sense?

He has shown me who he really is in just a few short weeks, why then won't it sink in?

LittlePeaPod Mon 25-Nov-13 18:07:37

It's understandable that you are upset at the thought of what could have been. But, I really, honestly think you need to focus on moving on, doing things you enjoy and don't get to hang up trying to psychoanalyse this guy. Continually trying to work him out will just keep you from moving on. Clearly he wasn't who you thought he was and that's all that matters.

akawisey Mon 25-Nov-13 19:46:52

You can't shift that feeling because you want to believe that you're the exception to the rule.

But you're not. He isn't worth all this energy. Put it to better use, be nice to yourself.

madwomanintheatt1c Tue 26-Nov-13 01:10:57

Or how about - WAS only flaky because you challenged him or went on and on at him about something? Maybe you are not what he thought YOU were? He was doing fine as a potential amour until you started grilling him about why he wasn't penetrating you, why he didn't tell you he loved you as much as he 'used to' a couple of weeks earlier.

I think the dude is completely baffled by your needy behaviour, and is trying to work out wtaf you want - because one minute you are ignoring his texts for four hours, the next texting him like a maniac and being pissy because he didn't answer.

And you lot encouraging her and trying to beef her up in the face of truly bizarre behaviour on her part is enabling. It isn't going to help her to have a healthy relationship in the future (the one that was developing nicely with plans for Christmas and seeing the new baby in January etc).

Op, for your own sake, you need to turn down the neediness. You had been seeing each other for 8 weeks and then turned into a bunny boiler demanding to know why he wasn't confessing undying love at every tick of the clock. You have driven him away, and he is being forced to back off to retain his sanity, probably wondering how he ended up in a relationship with you when at the start you were so normal, having fun and making plans.

But you know, I know you're all going to jump in with the old ,it was him, she is a divine and totally sane goddess, and he is so totes the evil emperor' that I don't know why I bother.

Is there some sort of tally running on this board?

I'm all for women giving emotionally and physically abusive men the heave ho. But the generalised LTB bollocksery on the face of a sane chap when the woman involved has turned from a regular woman into Needy McNeedy from Neediville overnight makes me wonder whether any of you actually read what anyone posts. (And yada yada,I know that'll come back at me)

Completely bonkers. All this faux 'help' and 'support' when all she needed was someone to say 'um, yeah, too needy. Cool it for a bit and see what happens'.


Roseflowers Tue 26-Nov-13 01:50:12

Whoa whoa whoa, I do feel the need to step in at the OP's defence here a little. All she did that was needy was try and discuss her relationship with her boyfriend. A standard which he himself had set in the relationship anyway! She mentioned that this bloke had been asking her is she really had feelings for him etc because if not he wanted to 'get out now' as far as I remember, how's that for needy? He was the one storming out and not talking to her for a few days after she tried to have a discussion with him about their sex life. Its hardly like she's been texting him and calling him and harassing him demanding proclaimations of love every five minutes, and as far as I'm concerned speaking to your boyfriend about how your relationship is progressing (on two entire occasions omg!!!!) is not exactly needy.

You forget that this is the place she's been venting about him, and whilst she's posted a lot about it here she's mentioned all of this to him exactly once and has been ignored and stood up all weekend for voicing her concerns a grand total of once. This says to me that she was probably right in feeling that his affections were waning. If you really do have no doubts in your mind about a relationship, when your partner voices a concern that you're not that into them anymore the normal and natural reaction is to make them feel secure, not freeze them out and ignore them for several days!

As I've said in this thread before, if someone sets a tone for your relationship (declarations of love, loads of affection and commitment) and then that tone suddenly starts to change then it is perfectly natural to question things, especially when it happens so early in the relationship. OP I think that this guy has made you feel insecure with his behavior for legitimate reasons which made you feel very stressed out. I know what that sinking feeling of 'something isn't right here' feels like and I've never, ever been wrong when I've felt it. Another relationship might not necessary pan out this way as little things can make all the difference in making you feel secure and loved etc.

LittlePeaPod Tue 26-Nov-13 02:49:22

madwoman before getting your knickers in a twist about what people have or have not said on the thread maybe you should read thread properly. hmm

20000leagues Tue 26-Nov-13 06:41:19

texting him like a maniac

Where on earth did that come from? We both barely txt eachother at all, ever. I already explained on here and to him the delay in my reply to him. This was met with silence, also the next txt the following day was met with silence THERE WAS NO MORE TEXTING. I actually dislike loads of texts as of form of communication

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 06:54:51

madwoman I suggest you read the thread again, both in terms of responses from op and the advice received as you are very wide off the mark on both accounts. This isn't AIBU for people to start slinging abuse at what is a very sensitive issue for her.

JeanSeberg Tue 26-Nov-13 07:13:23

I agree with madwoman but that's irrelevant. This level of obsessing isn't healthy OP. It's over, you feel you've done the right thing so let it go now.
And make sure you have plenty of other things in your life to focus on so in the future a new relationship isn't the be all and end all, it's just something else in your busy life.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 07:32:26

Jean yy it really is just that easy simply snap out of it! confused

And as for madwoman. Well you've clearly not RTWT. Perhaps that might've been an idea before you went off on one

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 07:36:35

It's not that easy to just snap out of it. OP has been through EA previously I believe. It can take some longer than others to recover, and we don't know what else she may have going on for this to affect her more than another person.

JeanSeberg Tue 26-Nov-13 07:57:28

I never said it was easy but this is an area she can work on whilst she is single.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Nov-13 08:05:26

I don't think anyone has said the OP is a "divine and totally sane goddess", I for one picked up on her insecurity and posted that helpful activity from the book i read - as well quoted from the 'dating a loser' article.

If red flags like this are ignored (woman blames herself or tells herself she's over-thinking etc) before you know it you're in a shitty relationship looking back wondering why the hell you didn't see it earlier on. What the OP describes is a really good example of one of those 'red flags' always spoken of on here (see my post on Fri 11:32). Come on, madwoman - this guy was talking about getting engaged at xmas (!), and then ignored her text on Friday trying to confirm when he was coming over for their planned weekend together, and never showed!

Seriously, OP, your gut has been right and the way he's now spoken on the phone has totally confirmed your suspicions. He was stupid not to say "What the hell are you on about, why are you saying it's over?!" & then some lie explanation about his silence, as that might have made it harder (not impossible) to conclude that he was deliberately manipulating you. The fact that he talked as though you'd said nothing at all of the sort is all the proof you need that this would be an impossible relationship.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 08:13:14

living you do know I was being sarky to jean don't you?

beaglesaresweet Tue 26-Nov-13 12:39:14

they aer just plainly not compatible, I don't think either of the is wring, they have different ways dealing with problems so it will never work. He did say he dealt with problems by avoiding and cooling off, to be fair, so he OP should have known then that it's not the man for her. Some would be fine with it and out-cool him. Also it's entirely normal for many people in the beginning to be on and off a bit while you are getting 'settled', either you can accept it calmly and TRUST that he's just javing a wobble, or you need the type of partner like a poster above has, who's as needy and steady with his attention, that's what OP needs. All I'm saying that he's not evil, just that sort of character.

beaglesaresweet Tue 26-Nov-13 12:40:14

either of them is wrong, I meant in first sentence.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 13:28:38

bit my comment was general but I thought 'snap, out of it' was a good expression to re - use in my post smile

Beagle is right. Some people just don't work together as a couple. It takes different amounts of time for people to recover from that.

LittlePeaPod Tue 26-Nov-13 13:48:05

I totally agree and have said before that Op is very insecure and requires someone that will constantly reassure her. And yes people are different and I would find someone that needy really suffocating. My preference is for a partner that's strong, confident and very self assured. I also agree that this guy didn't intend to hurt her. They are just different people, who as someone rightly pointed out communicate and handle situations in a completely different manor to each other.

I really think Op needs to focus on herself and moving on. Constantly analysing this guy and the situation really isn't helpful.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Nov-13 14:57:34

ok yes people are different and deal with things in different ways but i really do believe this guy is a game player. So he doesn't get an instant reply from her till 4 hours after his text (which included an explanation), and next day he ignores her text asking about the weekend - which they had already planned - and then doesn't show at all - and THEN when she texts telling him it is over he calls her and chats away like she's said nothing at all?!

That's not just incompatibility imo, it's plain rudeness, and game playing like i said! I don't understand why a few of you are totally reading this differently??

Anyway OP people are right, time to stop analysing and move on smile

20000leagues Tue 26-Nov-13 15:00:05

Hi all smile

Thanks for all your replies they have been of great help to me. I like to think about what I'm like as a partner as well as what the other person is like so they have given me insight into myself also

I'm not sure I need someone constantly reassuring me though, I was in a twenty year marriage and he didn't do that and I felt secure. Although perhaps that was because I loved him more as you would love a friend. Anyway certainly at the start of new relationship I am very much on my guard and when I fall for someone am on the lookout as to whether they feel the same, or in his case was still feeling the same. Feel a bit more chilled today. He has been in touch though and would like us to see eachother. I think he's genuine and I never thought he was a player but I will seriously have to think if I can deal with the way he handles conflict

20000leagues Tue 26-Nov-13 15:01:39

Oh dear tomato just read your post and you clearly think he is a game player. Perhaps your right. Am going to be on my own a while I think

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 15:18:09

leagues it's whether you can handle the way he communicates. Is that really what you want from your partner?

Funny how he's so keen to see you after you broke it off - this was predicted by others remember. It's up to you if you give him a second chance of course but remember what he was like before.

He's a player and a tool imo and hasn't been very nice to you. Not sure it's worth a second chance after only 8 weeks.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 15:18:15

leagues it's whether you can handle the way he communicates. Is that really what you want from your partner?

Funny how he's so keen to see you after you broke it off - this was predicted by others remember. It's up to you if you give him a second chance of course but remember what he was like before.

He's a player and a tool imo and hasn't been very nice to you. Not sure it's worth a second chance after only 8 weeks.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 15:19:02

leagues it's whether you can handle the way he communicates. Is that really what you want from your partner?

Funny how he's so keen to see you after you broke it off - this was predicted by others remember. It's up to you if you give him a second chance of course but remember what he was like before.

He's a player and a tool imo and hasn't been very nice to you. Not sure it's worth a second chance after only 8 weeks.

livingzuid Tue 26-Nov-13 15:19:33

Sorry for double posts stupid phone

LittlePeaPod Tue 26-Nov-13 15:39:45

Op if you choose to go back there then I wish you all the best and I hope it works out for you. However, you are now fully aware of what he is like and you can not complain about how he treats you or behaves in the future. You are going back with open eyes.

20000leagues Tue 26-Nov-13 15:45:08

pea I know. I don't think I will go back it will happen again. I wouldn't mind if say he was pissed off about something and decided he wanted to be by himself for a few days, it was the ignoring that was wrong.

ThreeTomatoes Tue 26-Nov-13 16:09:33

I wouldn't want anything more to do with him personally. How can he go from wanting to get engaged to this, with barely a how dya do? Don't let him string you along, cut ties, move on and look after yourself, I say.

akawisey Tue 26-Nov-13 19:25:56

well, that was entirely predictable. He wants to see you again.

You think he's genuine. He isn't. He's well versed in turning the charm on when it suits him. You HOPE he's genuine is probably nearer the mark, because lets face it, none of like to think we're being played.

But look, even if he's mr nice man most of the time - this is the way he is. He will make plans and then back-peddle. He will stall on confirming arrangements. When you seek confirmation of plans (perfectly reasonable) he will go poof and disappear in a cloud of sulkiness and faux self protection. He won't give you the reassurance you will increasingly need from him and you'll feel even more insecure. And so on and so forth.

Really - is that what you want? It's your choice.

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