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The final nail in the coffin? Found text from OW.

(150 Posts)
TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 09:30:17

NC for this. 6 months ago I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right with DH. Being secretive and protective of his phone which he never has been before. I checked his online account and there were hundreds of texts to and from one particular number over a 6 week period. I checked his phone and there was only one text from this number, a female work colleague. The text mentioned them "overstepping the line."

I immediately confronted him and he said that it was a friendship that had got out of control, he was sorry, he'd been stupid but he was flattered by her attentions etc. he would tell her that it had to stop and he'd been a twat, he didn't want to lose me and DD.

I have checked his bills and there has been no further communication other than the odd sporadic text/brief call which could be work related, who knows?

He went out on Friday night with some work colleagues. When I asked who was there he reeled off a list of names and tagged her name on the end. I wasn't happy but he says as they work together she's going to be at those functions and there's nothing he can do about it - he says he barely said 2 words to her. But instinct told me to check his phone again this morning. She sent a text very late last night which was unopened, so I read it:-

"I have been thinking about this all day. I think it's only fair that I am totally straight with you, so you know exactly where you stand. I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible. This is as a result of you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side. I admit I still really care for you but I deserved better and I won't be used again."

I threw the phone at him and watched the colour drain from his face as he read it. He says that she is infatuated with him, they had a massive argument when he told her they couldn't be any more than friends and that she is bombarding him with texts which he ignores and deletes. He maintains nothing physical happened, but she asked him to leave me for her on several occasions (she must have been bowled over by his charm and witty banter) hmm

He's gone to work in tears saying that he only loves me and that she is trying to wreck his marriage because he's told that he doesn't want anything to do with her.

We've been together for 14 years and have a 3yo DD. I have resigned myself to the fact that he did have an affair which I think I can handle, but only if I can get him to admit that it actually happened which he won't do.

I am sorry to hear this. He has been really quite good at deceiving you and lying for you, for a prolonged period. Will you ever be able to trust him again?

I think it is too early for you to decide whether you can accept this or not, especially if you dont have the full story.

Will you be prepared to ask him to leave while you clear your head? This will give you some space and allow you to take control back, as well as give him a chance to really think about what he stands to lose.

JustAnotherFucker Mon 18-Nov-13 09:36:45

I think you have just caught him out and he will say literally anything to try and weasel his way out of it sorry.

You've read that text yourself and it simply does not fit with the lies he has so far told you.

If being truthful is the way forward for you, then tell him that.

For me though the earlier lies and obvious nature of his deceit would be a deal breaker. Some time apart at least.

If you had never looked at his phone do you think he would have come to you and confessed? I would seriously doubt it tbh.

AuntieStella Mon 18-Nov-13 09:38:20

I think you need to warn him that the only way to save your marriage is a full disclosure of what happened. Give him a few hours to digest that this means that you need to know absolutely everything, and that he has one shot and one shot only. You cannot guarantee what happens next; but that any excuses or evasions mean that you will be asking him to leave.

Then see what he does.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 09:38:28

I'm sorry that this has happened. Of course he's going to blame this other person and call them 'infatuated' - they can't defend themselves . Of course he's going to turn on the waterworks - he's sorry he's been caught. Whatever the truth of the situation I'd recommend you ask him to step out for a while, let you catch your breath, think clearly (i.e. without him sobbing in your face) and work out what you want to do next. If he's truly remorseful he will not object to this. He will also take the initiative to suggest how he may regain your shattered trust. 'Handling' an unfaithful partner is a very rocky road.

AuntieStella Mon 18-Nov-13 09:45:45

I don't know if this will help, but you might want to show him this article about the utterly corrosive effect of lying/withholding/minimising]]

Full disclosure means he has to risk everything, but if you get your Ground Zero then at least you know what you are dealing with, and if (to quote Shakespeare) the will 'give and hazard all he has' to win you back.

You have to also consider that his tears were also partly for finally getting the boot by the OW after seemingly having tried to persuade her to continue the affair. He was blown off, AND you got to hear about it. Utter humiliation. He may also be worried he has embarrassed himself in front of colleagues on Friday night, and have to go in to work to face the music there too.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 18-Nov-13 09:47:58

If he is really only committed to you, then he just can't expect to go along to events like this where she is. The fact that he did shows that he expects to have his cake and eat it. He certainly can't expect to stay working at the same place, and if he has not said something along the lines of 'of course I'll have to look for another job', then he's still not doing what he should and is still hedging his bets.

I agree with the posts above that some time apart is necessary, plus some initiative being taken by him to repair the damage and own up to what he's done.

theunashamedow Mon 18-Nov-13 09:49:16

Actually that text sounds like something a dumped ow might send to upset the little wifey at home,.. Not sure about the earlier episode as could well have been en EA or a real affair but if he's not been texting etc much it might just be her trying to break you up for revenge and to so she can get him to leave you and come back to her...

theunashamedow Mon 18-Nov-13 09:49:32

Actually that text sounds like something a dumped ow might send to upset the little wifey at home,.. Not sure about the earlier episode as could well have been en EA or a real affair but if he's not been texting etc much it might just be her trying to break you up for revenge and to so she can get him to leave you and come back to her...

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 09:51:01

"to break you up for revenge and to so she can get him to leave you and come back to her..."

Be serious. Wifey?? hmm What sane man is going to go with someone that maliciously got him kicked out of a perfectly nice home? The OW doesn't know the OP is reading his texts.

basketweaver2012 Mon 18-Nov-13 09:51:54

Be aware as well that many people use phone apps like What's app and Viber now so no texts would ever show on a bill. Or if they have iPhones, iMessage does not show up.

JustAnotherFucker Mon 18-Nov-13 09:52:05

That's ok then shadow is it?

So long as it is just the OW seeking revenge, OP can rest easy in her marriage...

oh hang on... hmm

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 09:55:46

I wouldn't bother getting him to admit it.

They/HE sent hundreds of texts to her. She suggested they were overstepping the line ages ago. You have no reason to think she is the liar. You absolutely know that he is.

I would get a solicitor, find out your rights, confide in your family or friends and either accept your DH's mistress or separate.

TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 10:04:19

You've all confirmed what I knew.

Several times in the last couple of months he has mentioned requesting a move to a different office as he's getting 'fed up' of the office politics where he is at the moment, but his current office is 10 minutes from home and really convenient, a move would mean a bit of a commute so I've (stupidly) told him to ignore it. Perhaps he has been trying to get away from the situation? Moving offices would mean zero contact with OW. Or I am giving him the benefit of the doubt?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 10:09:36

He's gone to work in tears boohoo - no doubt hopes you'll be so moved by this you'll comfort him when his reassurance, remorse and effort to put things together again is very much needed by you.

He's had six months to job hunt elsewhere, to distance himself from OW. Six months to really put his back into rebuilding trust and re-commit to this marriage.

If he gave her a let's-stay-friends speech instead of a total brush off he was keeping that door open. For her to repeatedly ask him to leave you for her he must have been in close contact with her all this time.

I don't know what to suggest tbh but as far as wrecking a marriage he's been doing that ever since he started flirting with her.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 10:11:12

You have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for far too long, I am afraid.

Don't compound it even more by making his excuses for him.

He is running scared now. He will have rubbished you to the OW and now he is trying to do the same about her.

The best thing that both women in this situation can do is have a conversation without him there. That rarely happens, unfortunately, instead they are set against each other to compete for the Booby Prize (this cheating, snivelling coward)

I really hope you have more self respect than that

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 10:15:40

"you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side"

Do you not believe this is true? Do you think he sent 100s of texts to her- about work?

I'm sorry the only logical thing to believe is that he pursued her, led her to believe they had a future and slept with her.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 18-Nov-13 11:16:16

So sorry. Give yourself time to process this. You also need to show him how unacceptable this is. Ask him to leave. Doesn't have to be forever but he doesn't need to know that. Give him a shock. You are worth more than this.

flowers

TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 12:00:56

you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side

Do you not believe this is true? Do you think he sent 100s of texts to her- about work?

^^^

He never said the original texts were work related and admitted that he'd overstepped the 'friendship' line.

Of course I know he slept with her, he can't reason this away, I have it in black and white. Why would she lie, she doesn't know I read his texts. I believe that they did have an affair. After all these months of thinking that something had gone on and him denying it, it's a relief to finally know. It's turned me into a paranoid, suspicious, mistrusting person and this not who I am. He has made me this way by his actions and I am not at fault.

We will be talking tonight after DD has gone to bed and if I don't get what I feel is the truth, he'll be packing his bags. I still have my beautiful DD to think of and I don't want her being brought up in a home where she thinks this is normal and acceptable behaviour. He's fucked up big style and he knows it.

Sianilaa Mon 18-Nov-13 12:04:29

She said she was a "fuck on the side". They have clearly had a full-blown affair. He now has no girlfriend and potentially no wife either. Of course he was crying!

What you do from here is up to you, OP. but he is a liar and will now say anything to stop you chucking his sorry arse out.

daiseehope Mon 18-Nov-13 12:04:34

Time it sounds like you've made a great choice but so hard. I hope he is sensible enough to fess up xxxthanks

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 12:05:51

Sorry if I sounded brusque.

That sounds like a good plan. I hope he does know it - and I hope he realises before its too late that only by being honest can he hope to make it up to you. Good luck tonight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 12:08:26

You sound stronger than I suspect you feel. Just remember that, even if you get the 100% truth, you're under no obligation.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 18-Nov-13 12:13:31

Perhaps he wanted to move to a new office so he could get himself a new girlfriend now that the current one is no longer prepared to sleep with him?

He sounds like an inveterate shagger to me.

A decent man who had overstepped a boundary and was sorry would not have spent the last 6 months continuing to lie to you and continuing to try to get his leg over with the OW.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 18-Nov-13 12:13:51

It must be devastating. Sorry no words to describe it amply. You sound determined and I hope his tears were because he realised what he's jeopardised.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 12:19:37

"I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible."

Sorry Op, I don't mean to make it worse, but I must say that that bit above, does suggest that he has been mooning around her, going, 'why won't you be my friend? why won't you talk to me? etc, etc."

He has behaved very badly.

Glenshee Mon 18-Nov-13 12:28:45

Wishing you strength, OP.

RevelsRoulette Mon 18-Nov-13 12:31:45

He's been shagging her.

Her text reads as totally genuine and full of hurt and anger. He fucked her and he fed her a load of bullcrap about wanting to be with her when she was nothing but a cheap shag to him.

He screwed you over for a shag with someone who meant nothing to him.

now he wants to be friends with her or something? While getting you to swallow his horsecrap so he can have business as usual on the home front?

And at the same time trying to convince you that he's a victim?

He is vile.

tessa6 Mon 18-Nov-13 12:37:55

OP, I think it would be delusional at this point to believe his story. That text very clearly states what the situation is. She has tried to draw a line under a full blown affair that was definitely sexual, to protect herself. Your husband potentially would wish to carry it on, at least emotionally, as long as he wasn't found out. As awful and insanely temporary as it is, she is on your side here, she doesn't want to have an affair with your DH. Only he has been pushing that. Also, considering her mention of 'leaving your wife' I would suspect this is serious and that has been discussed and even considered and she has been disappointed. She sounds rational and sensible in the text, if hurt and foolish.

It is not even the affair so much as the ridiculous 'she is infatuated with me' line that would be totally deal-breaking for me. He is tap dancing desperately and minimizing. Until he exhales and tells the truth you should detach from him. This is not the truth.

normalishdude Mon 18-Nov-13 12:44:13

A-hole

Get the whole truth if you can. Mull it over. If you are in any doubt about whether you can trust him again, leave him. If you are sure you can handle it, give it a another go although remember you can change your mind at any time!

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 18-Nov-13 12:45:35

She has the whole truth.

He had an affair with this woman that involved a full sexual relationship and a promise that he would leave his wife for her.

She thought he loved her. He presumably said he did.

But he's a liar, so nobody should believe anything he says.

maleview70 Mon 18-Nov-13 12:46:51

Never trust a man who cries in these situations....classic deflection technique and one to make you feel
Sorry for him rather than yourself.

There is no point debating it. He has clearly slept with her. Cheaters will only ever tell you the minimum.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel Mon 18-Nov-13 12:50:15

Sounds to me like a woman who has been fed the line "My marriage is over, we argue all the time, my wife doesn't understand me like you do, I can't leave her at the moment because of blah blah yack yack but I definitely want to be with you, I will leave her when the children are old enough/the mortgage is paid/hell freezes over". She got emotionally involved and obviously something has brought things to a head where she has realised that he's just another lying, cheating weasel.

I feel mildly sorry for her and exceedingly sorry for you.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Mon 18-Nov-13 12:55:15

He won't ever tell you the truth. How can you live with someone who only puts himself first. He doesn't care about you or he would have been honest from the start. It's up to you whether you can live with that. Good luck op and I'm really sorry you are having to go through this.

TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 12:57:16

Thank you for all the messages.

I earn reasonable money and have some savings I can draw on until the financial side of things are sorted (if it comes to that). The house is in my name. I am not financially reliant on him in any way. He is the one that will walk away with nothing except the knowledge that he has let his DD down in the biggest way.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 13:00:27

It sounds like you are in a good position, unlike many women who are dependent on these cheating fucks for a roof over their head

I would still get proper legal advice though and make it certain that he is unable to withdraw large amounts of money from anywhere

Grumpasaurus Mon 18-Nov-13 13:36:59

When I first got together with my now husband, I was caught up in the tail end of a horrible and abusive relationship. The ex was controlling and wretched and manipulative, but I still allowed him to convince me to sleep with him on a couple of occasions. This was in the first six weeks of knowing my now husband.

When the ex showed his true colours, again, I finally finally let him go. I cut contact completely. Then I wrote my now husband a letter outlining everything I had done- every text, phone call, blow job, etc.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I gave him the time and space he needed, and slowly, we overcame that awful situation together. We are now happily married and I know that we trust each other implicitly.

The point is that, even though I was in an abusive relatio ship with a controlling and scary man, I still had enough respect for my partner and my relationship to own up to my role in everything. I expected to lose him. Luckily I didn't.

Your husband seems to want to do the opposite. To me this is not okay. If he was sorry, he would want to give you the respect you deserve by giving you all the information and space you need to make an informed decision.

Get him out of the house until he fesses up, and keep him out of the house until you have clarity about what to do.

You seem very willing to forgive him his I fidelity. Might I ask why?

TimeStoodStill Mon 18-Nov-13 15:22:17

My parents divorced when I was 8. I never saw my father again. Over 30 years ago. That kind of trauma leaves a lifetime of issues which I still haven't worked through. It's the main reason I am not reliant on DH financially - I saw how much my mum struggled just to keep a roof over our heads on money from her part time cleaning work (no child tax credits in those days!) and vowed never to rely on a man for money. Having said all that I would move heaven and earth for DD to have the life I didn't - a mum and dad who genuinely love each other and I feel I owe it to her to say we tried to work it out but couldn't (if that's what happens).

I have sent him the following text:-

You need to have a good long think about what you are going to tell me tonight. I want the truth. All of it. No fucking waffle about just being friends. Nobody talks about leaving their wife for a 'friendship'. I know you've had an affair with her, I've got it in black and white. If you don't tell me the truth I'll get it from her and believe me it won't be pretty, so you'd better man up and tell me what you should have told me months ago. Then I can decide what I want to do. If you persist with this fantasy that nothing happened, we're definitely finished. You owe me the truth at least.

I am not braying for her blood - she's not the one who made vows to me, but I could make life very uncomfortable for them both at work - I took a photo of her text on my phone and he knows it. My phone is PIN locked now so he can't access it. Fucker.

Jan45 Mon 18-Nov-13 15:27:52

What a wimp, even when faced with the truth he's trying to make out the OW is stalking him and is unhinged - you'd have to be half daft to believe him, the truth is there in her words.

I agree though, that unless he admits to this there's no way forward for you.

killpeppa Mon 18-Nov-13 15:30:04

good luck timestoodstill what a wanker.
same happened to me only I didnt find out, ow/bestfriend told me. I got rid of both of them.

thanks hope tonight goes well.

chalkythecat Mon 18-Nov-13 15:45:51

Really sorry, OP. He has lied to both of you. I wouldn't be giving him a second chance personally.

Best of luck.

Doinksie Mon 18-Nov-13 16:29:20

Delurking here op, just wanted to wish you luck, and hope you get the truth you deserve

MrsWolowitz Mon 18-Nov-13 16:34:46

flowers

fuckwittery Mon 18-Nov-13 16:36:45

Have you got her number? I'd ring her for the truth, you've both been lied to.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 18-Nov-13 16:42:03

Good luck op. don't give anything away. Keep your cards close to your chest.

flowers

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 16:42:51

I understand that you don't want dd to go through what you went through but you are not your mum and he is not your dad. You can't make your decisions based on them.

In 30 years time, you don't want your daughter saying, 'my dad pursued other women and my mum just put up with it and she was miserable,' either.

IMO that is a bloody good text, TSS. Good luck. Your DD is lucky to have you for a mum.

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag Mon 18-Nov-13 17:02:03

You sound very strong and sensible OP.

Good luck, stand strong to your principles. Remember you don't have to make any decisions tonight, take all the time you need and don't feel under pressure from anyone - on here or in RL - to make a decision that isn't right for you.

Mum2Fergus Mon 18-Nov-13 17:25:32

Delurking to wish you luck OP x

Snoozybird Mon 18-Nov-13 17:39:21

Good luck op, don't let him gaslight you x

myroomisatip Mon 18-Nov-13 17:39:56

I am worried that he may try to get hold of your phone, okay he cannot access it but he could take it away and therefore take away your 'proof'.

Make another copy of the information you want to keep and put it in a safe place. Hide your phone.

AllThatGlistens Mon 18-Nov-13 17:52:16

Wishing you the best of luck for tonight OP, I hope you get the truth, you deserve that at the very least flowers

Good luck tonight

BakerStreetSaxRift Mon 18-Nov-13 18:06:14

Good luck tonight, even if he tells you the truth, it's probably Home idea to get some space for a while while you process it.

And just because he told the truth, you don't owe him a second chance. You owe him nothing.

Look after yourself.

beachyhead Mon 18-Nov-13 18:14:52

That was an excellent text and I hope he is forthcoming. I feel for you and I hope tonight goes ok. I don't suppose you even know which way you want it to go, but as others say, you don't have to make any decisions tonight.

aftereight Mon 18-Nov-13 18:17:25

Hope you get the truth tonight, don't doubt your instincts and keep referring back to the evidence. You sound smart and strong, but I know how hellish it feels when you enter into this situation, so look after yourself.

BobaFetaCheese Mon 18-Nov-13 18:17:47

Best of luck tonight.
Hope he tells you the whole truth. x

ProphetOfDoom Mon 18-Nov-13 18:25:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams Mon 18-Nov-13 18:25:56

Just de lurking to say what a brilliantly strong message to text him. truth or leave.

Good luck for your talk tonight.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 18:35:19

Mind your phone doesn't accidentally end up in the river/down the toilet. Good luck this evening. I like the sound of you.

takeitonthegin Mon 18-Nov-13 19:07:15

Just chipping in with a bit more support. Hope you get your answers tonight and can start to make decisions about your future, with him or without him.

daiseehope Mon 18-Nov-13 19:31:16

Fabulous text. Good luck xx

ImperialBlether Mon 18-Nov-13 19:48:31

Great text.

Her text to him clearly read that she'd been ignoring him and he'd been hankering after a friendship at least.

He's really horrible; he's been stringing you both along and deserves stringing up himself now.

Best Wishesthanks

houmousandcarrotsandwich Mon 18-Nov-13 20:13:00

OP you sound amazing!
I wish I was as strong as you are when I found out (I got walked over more before I got rid!)

You are a great mother and showing your DD that women don't deserve to be treated lime this.

Thinking of you on what is going to be a tough evening x x x

savemefromrickets Mon 18-Nov-13 20:23:31

Well done.

It sounds like she's more concerned about your wedding vows than he is! I was in her situation and I had to do the same as her - having been fed a whole heap of lies about his sham of a marriage (it wasn't, they've since had a baby despite the separate bedrooms!!) - I had to ignore him at work as he seemed to think that friendship was on the cards. It certainly wasn't after I realised the crap he'd fed me.

I really hope he stops treating you like an idiot and shows you the respect you deserve by telling the truth.

PedantMarina Mon 18-Nov-13 20:24:45

Hope it's going well and that the door DOES hit his ass on the way out.

Stay strong, Time.

Theoldhag Mon 18-Nov-13 21:16:48

Sending you stay strong vibes, you are doing great op, let us know how you are.

thanks hug thanks

AngryByrd Mon 18-Nov-13 21:23:14

good luck! stay strong!

Clargo55 Mon 18-Nov-13 21:30:47

Time, that is a great text.
Good luck and stay strong. You and DD deserve so much more respect than this.

toffeesponge Mon 18-Nov-13 21:31:52

You sound incredible, OP.

I hope the rest of your life is as amazing as you are. Your DD is very lucky that you are her mum.

Vivacia Mon 18-Nov-13 21:36:44

Another one full of admiration here, wishing you strength tonight.

onlysettleforbutterflies Mon 18-Nov-13 21:40:12

Thinking of you op. I have been there and imagine you are running on adrenaline at the moment. Be prepared for the inevitable crash and confide in someone if you can. I hope your husband has the decency to be honest with you tonight. Sending you strength.

EllieInTheRoom Mon 18-Nov-13 22:00:14

Also delurking to say...excellent text! I bet he shit himself.

Hope you are OK tonight

thanks

Grumpasaurus Tue 19-Nov-13 00:19:11

Thank you for the thoughtful response. You are keeping your head on your shoulders and thinking rationally; you are obviously a strong woman who knows herself and what she is worth. That makes me happy and gives me hope!

I believe they some relationships can survive infidelity, and that both parties can ultimately be happy together again. This requires truth and compassion and forgiveness, and the slow and gradual rebuilding of trust and loyalty.

If he shows you he is willing to do that, then you can decide how you want to respond. You are in control.

If he doesn't, please be kind to yourself and remember there are more options that staying with him, or repeating the pattern of your parents. You have options. You are not financially dependent, you can set up an infrastructure to ensure your daughter knows her father, and you can teach your daughter that self respect is the most important tool a woman can have in her arsenal.

However, that is a long time away! For now, give yourself space, give your intuition the respect it deserves, and make sure you are in control of the choices made from here on in.

fortyplus Tue 19-Nov-13 00:33:23

Just joining in to agree that you're handling it brilliantly, op! If he lies tonight then call the ow. Make it clear that you're not angry at her - she has been weak and foolish and paid the price with a devastating blow to her self respect. She must realise that she is one of those women whom most will pity and despise. She will tell you the truth as a form of rehabilitation.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Tue 19-Nov-13 00:50:59

It's so easy to see how much you want to 'make it right' for your DD's sake and I really understand that - but the fact is, you can't and I don't think he will sad

I hope you are OK, it must have been an awful evening
x

TiffanyAtBreakfast Tue 19-Nov-13 10:11:39

No words of wisdom OP as you are absolutely doing the right thing so far - Just hope you're okay today.

TimeStoodStill Tue 19-Nov-13 12:07:11

Thank you for all your messages of support last night. I felt you were all with me holding my hand thanks

So he came home, saw I'd taken down all our wedding pictures, didn't take his coat off and said "I'll pack a bag". I told him we would talk after DD went to bed. He said there's nothing else to tell you I've told you everything, so I said if that was the case get packing. He went upstairs and packed a bag for 20 minutes or so. I think he expected me to go and talk to him, but I remained downstairs. He then came down and said we'd talk after DD in bed.

After DD in bed we talked. I told him to think very carefully - I wanted the absolute truth. If I found out anything more after this conversation that he didn't disclose he would be out the door without a second thought. It wasn't pretty though there was no shouting. We are at ground zero. I don't want to go into details, but it appears it happened on a few drunken nights. She had made it clear that she fancied him, he was flattered and was led by his dick. Oldest story in the book. I told him it wasn't even so much the sex, it was the fact that he had been emotionally involved with someone else which really hurt. I can even pinpoint the times he was texting her - out for lunch with me & DD, then nipping to the toilet to text her - it feels like our family time has been soiled and sullied by his deceitfulness.

He said she had built up a fantasy that he was going to leave me for her, which he said he never told her would happen. She had told him that she loved him but he had never told her that. He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made so he cut all contact with her. They haven't spoken for months. He has found out from mutual friends that she has been trying to find out "information" about me and DD which has terrified him. He has been worried sick that she would tell me (but not so worried he thought he should tell me first?) On Friday night when they were out as a group, he apologised to her and said could they still remain civil at least, this is what led her to send the text on Sunday night saying they couldn't be friends. For him it was a shag on the side, for her it was potentially a relationship which would provide her with marriage and children confused (she's late 30's like us not some young impressionable thing).

He said that he has already put in a request for a transfer of office, and was just going to tell me it had been a management decision, rather than something he requested because he needs to get away from her. I asked if he had replied to her text and he said no he doesn't want any contact with her. A check of his online bill confirms this is true. I have told him I want to see any texts she sends him. He will not be going to any events where she will be there (including his much looked forward to Christmas night out - boo fucking hoo).

I have told him that if I feel he has lied to me (more than he already has) I will phone her. No doubt she will give me the gory details.

We are in separate bedrooms and we will look at couples counselling to see if there is anything worth salvaging from this marriage - that will be my decision not his. I have no trust in him at the moment and he knows this. I am making no quick decisions either way. I feel wobbly, yesterday I was running on anger. I have been lied to repeatedly and cheated on. I also have a 3 year old child and a 14 year marriage to consider. I feel a bit in limbo but I have the upper hand and intend to keep it.

takeitonthegin Tue 19-Nov-13 12:20:32

Time I am so glad to hear from you, I have checked a few times this morning. I think you are handling this perfectly. You are not making excuses or allowances for him, you are being really fair and controlled. I take my hat off you, I think I would be a screaming mess.

I do believe your H from what you have told us. I believe he is being honest now. I really hope you can do whatever you need to, to be happy either with him or without him.

I think you have handled this very well. Good luck.

DoYouEverFeelLikeAPlasticBag Tue 19-Nov-13 12:23:55

Well done you - we're all still here to support you while you go through this. Have been anxiously checking this thread to see how you got on.

You have been strong, and in control. And I'm glad you intend to remain that way. I think you're still running on adrenaline, and that hard times, wobbles, emotional breakdowns will follow - don't let that take you by surprise, but be ready for it and accept that this is a natural part of the process.

You've done the right thing, and I hope he's well and truly sorry and intends to be fully honest with you from now on. The last thing you need is to doubt his honesty - one hint that he's lying to you about his relationship with her, and I'd be on the phone to her as you have threatened. To be honest, I feel a bit sorry for her, it sounds like your DH has lied and cheated two women here.

Please talk to someone in RL who can support you through this, as well as the wonderfully wise ladies on here.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Tue 19-Nov-13 12:25:48

You poor thing. What a horrid story. What a twat. As much as he denies it, if he was nipping off to text her, then he was emotionally involved too.

You've done really well. You don't have to decide anything, and even if you do, you can always change your mind.

I hope he apologized for the shit storm he has unleashed on you both.

Vivacia Tue 19-Nov-13 12:32:47

I really think you've handled this brilliantly. Where are you getting your support from?

From what you've said, this was the most worrying bit for me, She had told him that she loved him but he had never told her that. He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made... It just sounds so casual, self-serving and deceitful.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 19-Nov-13 12:33:23

Well done for being so strong. Just two things I would like to add

1) could you really stay with someone who would treat women so cruelly. I don't expect you to have sympathy for ow, but he has treated her so very shabbily. No woman makes up those scenarios in her head. He fed her as much bullshit as he fed you. And yet he can reduce her to just a shag on the side. Utterly despicable.

2) separate bedrooms is not enough consequences, IMO. I believe he needs to leave the family home completely and be put in the metaphorical cold to really consider what he has risked in such selfish manner What he tells people is his problem. If your worry is that if he leaves for a while, he will go to her then of course you have your answer.

Also, Sti test for him is required. That will also focus his mind.

chicaguapa Tue 19-Nov-13 12:43:15

He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made so he cut all contact with her.

This doesn't quite tally with your OP which says that he stopped contact when you found the text about overstepping the line.

But I completely understand why you want to sort things out with him for the sake of your DD to give her the family life you didn't have. I hope this resolve gives you strength in your couple's counselling. But please don't let it mean that he can pull the wool over your eyes (I'm sure you're not though).

Good luck.

Well done, Time. You are handling this masterfully. He really thought his threat to pack a bag would have you pleading on his knees to stay and talk things through, didn't he?

However. I just don't believe this bit: " He said she had built up a fantasy that he was going to leave me for her, which he said he never told her would happen. She had told him that she loved him but he had never told her that. "

He's minimising, because he calculates that the best way to win you back is to convince you that it was never more than a couple of drunken shags on his part.

OW is not a young and foolish thing and the text you intercepted indicates that she is intelligent and articulate. It seems unlikely that she would have inferred from a couple of drunken shags that he was going to leave his wife and daughter for her.

I don't know how much it matters, really- the rest of it is bad enough- but it's potentially just an extra layer of dishonesty, And, as Mist says, his cruelty to the OW (and to you, of course) is very telling.

Erm, pleading on your knees, that is.

TalkativeJim Tue 19-Nov-13 12:55:13

What a surprise... so the impetus was all on her side, she pushed it, she made it clear she fancied him...she said she loved him but he didn't, oooh no...he was stupidly 'led by his dick' and made an almighty fuck-up...

How very odd, then, that he should be the one to go up to her on the night out, especially if he's so terrified she'll approach you, and for her reply text to essentially warn him off with the words 'I won't be used again.'

I don't doubt that you probably have most of the truth of the A, B, and C of what happened. What I don't believe for a second is his colouring of the storyboard, alas.

Her text doesn't sound like something coming from the silly infatuated little character he's created for you, and you say yourself she's late thirties. I don't believe that she created an emotional connection out of her head, and I'm sure your H did tell her he loved her, didn't know where things were going with you and his marriage, blah blah, all the usual stuff to get someone into bed. Doesn't mean he did love her or had any real connection with her of course - so the end result is easily the same (you're the one he's serious about) - but the painting is coloured rather differently and makes him a nasty lying cheating arsehole, not a silly innocent led by anything.

And that text. Now to me, that isn't a reply to someone coming up to you, apologising, and saying let's be civil. 'I deserve better and I won't be used again?' Err - rather a cryptic answer. Ok, maybe she's just terribly hurt and bitter and intimating that the idea of friendship with a man like this leaves a nasty taste in the mouth (I'd agree!) But there is I'm afraid the equally possible interpretation that after hurriedly cooling things, and thinking he'd squared it with you, he ends up (naturally) with her in a dark corner telling her how he knows he's messed her around, he doesn't know where things are anymore but hey, we had fun didn't we? (wink) - let's not let this be the end, I think you're wonderful... Blah. Maybe with no intention of actually going back there. Who knows. That's the trouble with cheaters. You just never know.

Just be true to yourself I'd say - because one thing you know absolutely now is that you cannot trust your husband to do the same. But one last thing. I always shake my head when I hear infidelity being described as a 'mistake'...or, in your lovely H's words 'an almighty fuck-up'. Because it's not. It's a deliberate, not spur-of-the-moment decision, taken because he weighed up the risk and decided it was worth it to do this to you, so that he could have sex with her. At no time was he unaware of the fact that he was breaking his marriage vows - he wanted to break them. So he did. Several times that he's admitted to and more that he doesn't need to. What you know, for an absolute unchangeable FACT, is that this man will lie and cheat you for his own gain.

MissScatterbrain Tue 19-Nov-13 12:58:37

Well done for being so strong last night. You are flying high now but you will crash at some point so be prepared.

I would ask for time and space to process your thoughts and feelings - you won't be able to make any long term decisions for at least several months.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends for you both to read.

Definitely get STI tests done.

As for him, remember its actions not words that you need to be looking at - what he actually did and is doing tell you so much more that what he actually is saying.

TalkativeJim Tue 19-Nov-13 12:59:59

OW is not a young and foolish thing and the text you intercepted indicates that she is intelligent and articulate. It seems unlikely that she would have inferred from a couple of drunken shags that he was going to leave his wife and daughter for her.

Cross-posted with many others, the above is it in a nutshell really. And as Fetchez says - does it matter?

I think yes. I think he's showing that he is an inveterate liar, basically. He wanted to shag her - he lied to her to get it. He wants to save his marriage - he is cleverly lying within the bounds of what he can get away with in order to do so.

But then I don't think you'd ever catch a cheat who would actually hold up their hands and say yes, we;ve spent the last couple of months in bed whenever we can get away, texting how much we love each other and all the star-crossed shit, would you?

MissScatterbrain Tue 19-Nov-13 13:04:50

Also you need to take into consideration the fact that he made several conscious decisions to cheat as he slipped down the slippery slope into a full blown affair - shared confidences, flirting, texts, meet ups etc.

It was not just a big mistake down to being drunk. He still continued to see her after each "drunken night".

houmousandcarrotsandwich Tue 19-Nov-13 13:06:38

Keep strong, sending hugs x

TimeStoodStill Tue 19-Nov-13 13:08:12

He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made so he cut all contact with her.

This doesn't quite tally with your OP which says that he stopped contact when you found the text about overstepping the line.

He told me that he had stopped contact when I confronted him in June and the texting stopped. Obviously the "relationship" carried on for a while longer which he told me last night - part of the confession.

he had told him that she loved him but he had never told her that. He says this is when he realised that she was taking it a lot more seriously than she was and what an almighty fuck up he had made... It just sounds so casual, self-serving and deceitful.

He didn't come out with that phrase, it is me paraphrasing what I was told in a 4 hour conversation. He was absolutely not casual about it. He was a shaking emotional wreck and I barely recognised the man I know to be my husband. He has been shaken to his core.

1) could you really stay with someone who would treat women so cruelly. I don't expect you to have sympathy for ow, but he has treated her so very shabbily. No woman makes up those scenarios in her head. He fed her as much bullshit as he fed you. And yet he can reduce her to just a shag on the side. Utterly despicable.

2) separate bedrooms is not enough consequences, IMO. I believe he needs to leave the family home completely and be put in the metaphorical cold to really consider what he has risked in such selfish manner What he tells people is his problem. If your worry is that if he leaves for a while, he will go to her then of course you have your answer.

I have no axe to grind with her. She has been shit on from a great height as well, but I am the only innocent party here. She knew what she was getting involved with as well as he did. I know this woman through his work and mutual friends, she has form for being a drama llama and I could well believe that she wanted/expected more from this than he did. What I find hard to believe is that he would be attracted to her, but I suppose nothing should surprise me now.

With regard to him leaving, I will do what is most convenient for me. I rely on him for help with DD as I sometimes travel with my job involving overnight stays. I cannot easily arrange overnight care for her at the moment, nor will I subject her to being passed around from pillar to post because of his fuck up.

I did ask about what protection they used - she had condoms to hand apparently, very convenient.

impatienttobemummy Tue 19-Nov-13 13:08:20

Only just found this thread, you are doing so well, stay strong

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 19-Nov-13 13:26:55

Oh that's interesting.

Right, so you confronted him, he promised to stop contact with her.

And he did stop texting her, but continued sleeping with her?

And it was only when (according to him) SHE began to get serious about him and he thought she'd spill the beans to you that he decided to dump her?

Wow, that is one deceitful, self-serving bastard.

The fact that he continued to sleep with her after you had rumbled him and that he lied to you about the extent of their relationship, not to save YOUR relationship (as he no doubt claims) but to save THEIRS is pretty damning, isn't it?

I don't think you can believe a thing this snake says to you.

The casual way he lies to you in order to sleep with another woman really makes him sound like a pretty committed and experienced shagger.

I would be wondering at this point whether she was the first.

"I barely recognised the man I know to be my husband. He has been shaken to his core."

Yeah, that tends to happen. They are so surprised at getting caught that they can't cope with the consequences.

It means very little.

MissScatterbrain Tue 19-Nov-13 13:33:44

Yes, getting caught and having their fantasy and lust fuelled affair bubble burst tend to shake them up - all their lies, denials and selfish actions are exposed for what these are.

He probably found OW attractive because of her ego flattering attentions. Pathetic but many affairs are often an ego boost for the cheater.

MissScatterbrain Tue 19-Nov-13 13:34:49

And I am afraid condoms do not protect one from all STIs especially if they had oral sex.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Tue 19-Nov-13 13:36:42

Oh what a very charming man he is.

Lies to keep his wife.
Lies to keep shagging around.

He is absolutely cruel to feed you BULLSHIT to keep you, and he was cruel for feeding her bullshit.

If your planning to forgive him, then you really need to make him pay for cheating, because if he gets very little, then hes gonna cheat again, and this time he'll cover it up better.

onlysettleforbutterflies Tue 19-Nov-13 13:37:08

OP, you do what is right for you, you don't have to rush in to anything, only as time goes on will you know how you really feel about it all. Personally I couldn't stand to be with him anymore, knowing what he was capable of doing to me and what little regard he must have held me in, everything felt tainted but I do know people that have successfully stayed together, it has taken a lot of work, many years of work but they managed it.

Are you able to spend some time on your own or go away for a couple of days, it might help you to digest it all. There will be a crash, so please have someone to hand to look after you.

Mapleissweet Tue 19-Nov-13 13:37:08

I think that you are coping well and yes you have to do what is right for you.
However I think sometime soon the enormity if what has happened and your dh deception will really hit home.
He is a wreck because his whole life is on the line and he is panicking about the real consequences of his behaviour. Please do not pity him. This is now about you and what you want and need.
Does anyone at work know about his fling? Surely others will have spotted signs?

comingintomyown Tue 19-Nov-13 13:45:07

Sorry but I agree he would hardly be likely to say he told he loved her etc , everything he has said intends to minimise and not release one jot more information than you have as proof.

Also her text does not match his description of events, the text you have read yourself. A text from someone with no axe to grind rather than his version of events.

Its a horrible time be kind to yourself OP

Quoteunquote Tue 19-Nov-13 13:51:39

Arrange to meet her for a coffee, and hear her version of events.

Choose your time to ring her and arrange this carefully so she doesn't have a chance to talk to your husband. Then at least you know if when he had the chance to come clean, if he took it or not,

It's a huge thing to give up, peace of mind, never being able to fully trust your spouse again.

Good luck.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 19-Nov-13 13:52:30

Maybe the first time was drink-fuelled but once a line was crossed I doubt that they needed the booze to propel them.

How much do your mutual friends know?

I have never liked the "It was offered on a plate" reasoning. He was lucky she didn't come back to him and say he'd got her pregnant, her being so - how might he phrase it? deluded and vindictive and all.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Tue 19-Nov-13 13:57:06

Now you know what he is, I imagine you're going to have trouble ever trusting anything he ever says again.

I presume when you discovered it the last time, he was all sorry, sorry, I'll never do it again.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 19-Nov-13 14:05:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceinWinterWonderland Tue 19-Nov-13 14:16:08

Might I suggest something. Have you discussed this with your family/friends or his? It might be a good idea.

I didn't tell anyone and he bounced about pretending nothing was wrong while I was struggling and everyone was wondering why I was so off. He acted as if I was the one with the problem not him. And I got hassled for being harsh with him for no reason. I reached a point where the stress was physically making me ill because I didn't want to tell people, I was embarrassed. But he wasn't - he didn't have to worry - no shame for him at all. If I had to do it all again, I'd tell them, out him, and let HIM deal with the fallout and face the consequences of his actions.

omuwalamulungi Tue 19-Nov-13 14:46:23

OP just read the whole thread, you're amazing, I hope you stay as strong and rational as you are now.

So sorry this has happened. flowers

MissScatterbrain Tue 19-Nov-13 14:58:49

Yes, do get RL support - you will need it.

sussexmum38 Tue 19-Nov-13 15:15:06

OP you are being so strong and weighing it all up in what has been such a short length of time.

ormirian Tue 19-Nov-13 15:26:46

Take your time to think about what you want. Stay as strong as possible. if he really wants to keep your marriage he will agree to whatever you want, if he doesn't he isn;t worth keeping anyway.

It takes time for reality to sink in. I spent a few days in a haze of relief after he confessed because I thought ..phew, that's over then! I felt as if we had reached calm water. Then the pain really hit, and the anger, the insecurity, the complete confusion. It lasted a long long time and BOTH of you need to be prepared for it.

BeforeAndAfter Tue 19-Nov-13 16:07:37

OP - you sound so strong and are handling this terrible situation really well. I just wanted to come back on the condom point. First of all there's a high chance he's lying about her having them (my ex lied on this point, assuring me they used them all the time). After several confession sessions he admitted they'd never used them. Do go for a smear and STI test. The smear will pick up potential cell changes from exposure to HPV which condoms do not protect against.

It is interesting that he only stopped the part of the affair which represented evidence that could be found by you.

He did not stop the actual affair until it was convenient for him.

tessa6 Tue 19-Nov-13 16:22:26

Please do not believe anything he says just because he says it. Shaking, crying, being a wreck are all a personal, emotional reaction to being found out. They have absolutely nothing to do with honesty.

All cheaters minimise on being discovered. All.
The extent of his lies will only be revealed if you speak to OW, or find evidence yourself. Otherwise you might never know. But it does not sound wholly true to me, especially painting her as chasing him when clearly the text from her was telling him to back off after she'd got wise to his greediness. He will be banking on you not wanting to talk to her because of the 'unpleasantness' and also the fact that you probably don't want to hear anything you can't unhear. But as you said about the condoms, all very convenient.

LawofAverages Tue 19-Nov-13 16:36:23

Hi OP. I think you are doing absolutely brilliantly. I was a crying, shaking, insecure wreck who couldn't get out of bed at this point! But you are strong and in the position of control - well done you!

In relation to people saying you should speak to the OW to get the truth, I don't think you should. Firstly, she may well not tell you the truth anyway (might overplay it to make you jealous/to punish him, or might underplay it if she's scared of your reaction or genuinely doesn't want to make you feel too bad (although ha, she shouldve thought of that before she had an affair with your husband!)). She is not on your side or whe wouldn't have slept with your husband, so she will have no reason to go out of her way to help you. Of course she MAY tell you the truth, for whatever reason, but either way you will have no way of knowing.

The fact is, you know enough now to know that he betrayed you physically and emotionally so the actual 'we did this at 9:15pm on such and such a night' detail is not necessary. You also don't need the extra drama that getting in touch with the OW will bring. She is now irrelevant. It may well be that if she hadn't existed he would have cheated with someone else. So you just need to focus now on your feelings and whether you can ever forgive and forget this and also on his behaviour now and whether he goes far enough to make things up to you and make you trust him again.

Best of luck OP, believe me you will be ok in the end, whether you stay with him or not.

AliceinWinterWonderland Tue 19-Nov-13 16:40:05

Yes, unfortunately this is generally just the "initial confession, minimising" stage. He will only tell you what he wants you to hear and what you have proof of. Any blame that he can push onto her (she wanted more than he did, she wouldn't back off), he will. Anything that might make it more palatable to you (wearing condoms, he wasn't willing to leave you, he broke it off she kept after him), he will say.

You know the Shrek movie where they say ogres are like onions.. they have layers. This is just another layer. You may find that you have to go through a few more layers before you get to the complete truth.

Now that he's confessed, he's most likely going to be initially just "grateful you've not given up on him" and then "impatient if you don't forgive him right away" and then "irritated that you're not over it yet." And life, for him, will go on just as before.

Please make sure you get some RL support in the form of family and friends. It's important to have a sounding board, someone just outside the situation enough to give you honest advice and simply to listen.

Grumpasaurus Tue 19-Nov-13 17:46:16

I hate to say it op, but it sounds like he is feeding you an intricately woven tapestry of bull shit. I agree with other posts, saying he has minimized what was an affair into what could be seen as a drunken fuck, as that is what he thinks will save his hide.

I work in sexual health, and part of my job is to take sexual histories with each patient. I promise you that they did NOT always use a condom. Please get yourself tested. Some sti's can be passed on even when a condom is used (herpes, genital warts, chlamydia).

I also believe he is still lying to you. Hearing what I hear everyday, I believe he had a proper affair with that woman. Even though he might have thought of it as a bit on the side, he most certainly did not give her that impression. Also he engaged in the majority of it whilst sober- so it wasn't just a few drunken fucks.

I don't mean to sound horrible! You sound amazing and so strong and so level headed. I just lnow it's sometimes hard to be objective and to gain clarity when you are being fed things by someone you love. Trust me- people are honest with me when they come to clinic as I put the fear of god into them, and what he says sounds like a crock to me!

itsmeisntit Tue 19-Nov-13 18:57:31

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

MissScatterbrain Tue 19-Nov-13 19:03:22

itsme - that's very harsh shock OP must be traumatised and her world has been turned upside down so please be kind to her otherwise she will feel unable to come back for more support.

OP, I hope you are ok.

TimeStoodStill Tue 19-Nov-13 19:22:50

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

itsmeisntit Tue 19-Nov-13 19:43:30

smile grin

killpeppa Tue 19-Nov-13 19:57:37

itsmeisntit
take your childish behaviour away from this post.
We are here to support the OP in a very difficult situation which other posters have been through (including myself). This OP has had her life turned upside down & her family pulled apart. So if you are not going to be helpful then kindly fuck off

OP so glad you came back to repost. I know how hard all this is (Ive gone through the same). I took the same strong stance you did & tried to repair the broken, but sadly I could not look past the break of trust, it destroyed me as a person & made me someone I didnt want to be, he walked all over me & it became an abusive relationship.

You have your head screwed on right, but I agree with posters who say to get him to stay elsewhere. This is still kind of numb I assume & you need time with your own thoughts to grieve the actions he has taken & seriously think about your future with you H.

love and support

toffeesponge Tue 19-Nov-13 20:00:22

OP - you do whatever you feel is right for you and your family. Your husband has behaved appallingly and while you say she is a drama llama, that is irrelevant and playing into his web of lies.

Stay strong.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 19-Nov-13 20:11:22

itsme I am a straight talker but that was beyond the pale, especially follwed by your apparent amusement

as much I would like to see OP take her husband's metaphorical head off in the way she did yours, she is dealing with it

theunashamedow Tue 19-Nov-13 20:25:51

What's it come too when even the ops comments are deleted!

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 19-Nov-13 20:26:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

killpeppa Tue 19-Nov-13 20:31:54

theuna..
I think it quoted or mentioned wording from the nasty post.
It wasnt malicious (if i recall correctly)

Grumpasaurus Tue 19-Nov-13 20:55:27

I hate to say it op, but it sounds like he is feeding you an intricately woven tapestry of bull shit. I agree with other posts, saying he has minimized what was an affair into what could be seen as a drunken fuck, as that is what he thinks will save his hide.

I work in sexual health, and part of my job is to take sexual histories with each patient. I promise you that they did NOT always use a condom. Please get yourself tested. Some sti's can be passed on even when a condom is used (herpes, genital warts, chlamydia).

I also believe he is still lying to you. Hearing what I hear everyday, I believe he had a proper affair with that woman. Even though he might have thought of it as a bit on the side, he most certainly did not give her that impression. Also he engaged in the majority of it whilst sober- so it wasn't just a few drunken fucks.

I don't mean to sound horrible! You sound amazing and so strong and so level headed. I just lnow it's sometimes hard to be objective and to gain clarity when you are being fed things by someone you love. Trust me- people are honest with me when they come to clinic as I put the fear of god into them, and what he says sounds like a crock to me!

ProphetOfDoom Tue 19-Nov-13 20:58:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theunashamedow Tue 19-Nov-13 21:04:10

As grum says get sti tests and if you do contact ow ask her to do same as, as any repsonsible health worker will say, its equally likey she may have caught something from you via dh.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 19-Nov-13 21:32:30

What ARE you on about unashamed? The op hasn't slept with anyone else.

Why do you bother to come on these threads where women have had their lives turned upside down. Just to get your kicks??

Oh....and your name cracks me up. Cod you were the other woman weren't you. But aren't you now married to the man who was someone else's husband?? So stop defining yourself as an ow. It's really boring and quite pathetic.

Get off the thread if you're going to goad like I see you do every time it's an ow thread.

Op- you have been so strong. Just please give yourself time and space to reflect. You are I'm shock and need to live with this for a while before decisions are made.

Sending my support and flowers
X

mammadiggingdeep Tue 19-Nov-13 21:41:59

Oh good, mnhq agree that you're goading unashamed a d totally unhelpful.

Now, op...how are you doing? X

ProphetOfDoom Tue 19-Nov-13 23:10:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm Wed 20-Nov-13 01:13:38

I'm sorry, but he's playing brinkmanship. At every single stage he's admitting only what he absolutely has to, right down to packing a bag to get you to fold, and him away with it. Only when that cruelty to you failed did you get a partial confession - and it is partial. He's admitted only what that text message absolutely forces him to, and the worst part - that they discussed him leaving - has been converted into a fantasy. But that text does not sound like it comes from a fantasist at all. She's saying she owes it to him to be straight, which means they had a relationship she was led to believe was serious enough to necessitate mutual obligations. She says she now knows she was being used and he never had any intention of leaving you, which is the upset words of someone who has been lied to in order for him to get into her knickers. There's no way that dignified reaction to what was so clearly him trying to reignite things is a desperate woman causing trouble, I don't think.

"I have been thinking about this all day. I think it's only fair that I am totally straight with you, so you know exactly where you stand. I can't allow myself to be friends with you and I will continue speaking to you in work as little as possible. This is as a result of you getting involved with me when you had no intention of ever leaving your wife. You hurt me and I feel upset, as all I was and would be, is a fuck on the side. I admit I still really care for you but I deserved better and I won't be used again."

That's not sounding like a fantasist. That's sounding like someone who is now aware she believed the lies of a player, and is not prepared to be burned again. The "I deserved better" is very telling - I think he chased her, lied to her and she now is hurt and angry but trying to just get on with things. His current version of what went on is about as plausible as the previous ones, which is not very.

FluffyJumper Wed 20-Nov-13 01:31:28

You told him that if you suspected he had lied you would contact her. If I were you I would be suspecting him of minimising and I would contact her.

perfectstorm Wed 20-Nov-13 01:35:24

I don't have a view on whether contacting her would be a good idea or not. I do know that she's much more likely to still have all those old text messages, and emails (have you access to his emails?)

Someone on here said it's possible with some phones to retrieve deleted texts - that they're sometimes archived rather than truly gone. That may be worth investigating before any other options?

aftereight Wed 20-Nov-13 07:23:52

Yes, if he has an iphone, use the spotlight function to search her name or key words, and even texts and emails which have been 'deleted' may come up. This is how I discovered the full story of my H's affair, despite him swearing he'd already told me the whole truth.

MissScatterbrain Wed 20-Nov-13 07:44:34

Yes I agree that OP needs to see old emails and texts - as part of the trust building process he needs to be willing to show her these to backup his story.

Hope you are ok this morning?

OhSodOff Wed 20-Nov-13 08:08:23

I am very sorry OP. It sounds completely awful.

Boring stuff but make sure you're eating and looking after yourself. Is there anyone in RL who can help you? This is hard to deal with on your own.

I am so sorry about your dad fucking off, I completely understand the desire to have the perfect family, but try not to let that cloud your decision. Give yourself time to work through what has happened. You sound remarkably calm and together, don't beat yourself up if in the next few days the upset and hurt takes over a bit.

I hope you're ok this morning and had at least a bit of sleep. Take care.

TimeStoodStill Wed 20-Nov-13 10:30:18

The nastiness from one particular poster last night made me realise I need to step away from this thread for a while to get some perspective and sort my head out. I am not getting drawn into playground fighting. This is my life. I need time to grieve for the marriage that I thought I had and have lost, decide whether anything is worth saving and concentrate on making sure my DD is happy.

I do have RL support - I have confided in my sister and best friend - both know what happened with the original texting, so this hasn't come as a shock to them. I know neither of them will judge me whatever I decide to do, they just want what is best for me and DD.

Thank you all thanks

onlysettleforbutterflies Wed 20-Nov-13 11:21:43

Very wise op but remember we're here when you need us. So glad you have proper non judgemental support irl. Just listen to you and there is no time limit or deadlines on anything, things will not be sorted one way or another over night. As for details, one bit of advice that I got and held close, was don't get hung up on specifics and finding things out for the sake of it, unless its to serve a purpose the detail will just hurt you more. I hope that makes sense.

perfectstorm Wed 20-Nov-13 11:24:41

I missed the posting last night - so sorry it was unpleasant. That's especially horrible on a thread such as this, when you've already been the totally innocent victim of betrayal.

I hope things start to look more positive for you soon and you find your way through this as best as can be hoped for. Take care. flowers

AliceinWinterWonderland Wed 20-Nov-13 12:03:40

So glad you've got RL support. Best of luck to you.

Mapleissweet Wed 20-Nov-13 12:08:06

There will always be some really low posters who enjoy getting off on misfortune.
You have had a huge shock, take plenty of time to do what you feel is right. No one lives your life but you.

Jan45 Wed 20-Nov-13 12:15:26

Good luck OP, you have handled it really well, almost too well, perhaps the fall out has still to hit you, take care and give yourself plenty of support.

To me, being lead by his `dick` is almost worse than actually having feelings for someone, if he can be so easily lead then it would indicate to me it will happen again, I hope he can change himself.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 20-Nov-13 12:33:36

Good luck, op

killpeppa Wed 20-Nov-13 12:45:59

well done for not retaliating (I was fuming) OP, that was a nasty post indeed.

Hope the next few days bring you clarity. thanks

mammadiggingdeep Wed 20-Nov-13 12:59:45

Perhaps I shouldn't have retaliated but it was the 3rd nasty post is read from her op.

I'm so sorry that some nasty person let you down. Continue to get real life support and maybe pm any poster who has been particular helpful to you if you need to.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best flowers

Jesus. I didn't see the deleted post but I am angry that the OP feels she has to leave her own support thread because of one spiteful fucker. What a loser.

I hope the OP has some RL support.

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