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Husband having emotional affair - what to believe and how to move forward

(49 Posts)
Dazedandconfused2013 Mon 18-Nov-13 06:17:16

I confirmed my suspicions on Saturday that my DH has met someone. He met her 2 months ago at a conference, and says she is just a friend who is great fun and he can talk to, as they are both unhappy in their relationships. He claims they are just friends, and she is encouraging him to stay with me as we have one young DC and I'm in my last trimester with DC2.

However, they spent the night in her hotel room when they met ("talking, nothing happened"), skype/text during the week as her DP works away Mon-Fri, travelled abroad to where she lives twice to visit (I was away with our DS on one occasion, I assume he told me he was on a business trip the other time). They send each other gifts too, including souvenirs from his business trips (he normally doesn't bring me and DC any), and he has bought books to learn her language.

He has agreed I can talk to her, to confirm they really are just friends, however we will see if this happens. I don't have a problem with him having female friends, and I told him if he had been honest I would have welcomed her into our home. But I feel this behaviour is more like early stage relationship than friendship. I also resent the lying, secrecy and the fact that he taken days off work and spent a lot of money visiting (must be at least £400), rather than spending them with / on his family.

From my POV, if we are to save our marriage, I need to be fully convinced they really are just friends and get complete transparency from him in the future. We do have other issues, but I do think they are things we can overcome if we both work on them and are honest with eachother.

So, here is what I would like to know...
Could you believe they really were just friends, even after talking to her?
What questions would you ask her if you were me?
Would I be unreasonable to demand they stop their friendship? (He has indicated he may not be willing to).
Has anyone been in the same situation and been able to rebuild the trust?

AnnThology Mon 18-Nov-13 06:21:33

You aren't his keeper. Why do you have to inspect her? If you feel the relationship threatens your trust in him (with cause IMO) then he should be worried.
Intend to think mn untrusting of male female friendships but this one does seem to have crossed the line.

Had you checked his phone ?

AnnThology Mon 18-Nov-13 06:22:17

He shouldn't spend nights in hotel rooms fgs. That's wrong.

AnnThology Mon 18-Nov-13 06:22:55

Shit no. The trips too. The more I re read it. He's obv having an affair

joblot Mon 18-Nov-13 06:27:38

They are having an affair. You don't behave like he is with people who are friends. Sorry op.

bragmatic Mon 18-Nov-13 06:30:17

Of course they're not just friends! Husbands don't like to their wives about their whereabouts and travel abroad to meet another woman. He's slept with her. Honestly, you know this, you weren't born yesterday.

I wouldn't ask her anything, you won't get the truth anyway.

Sweetheart, he's sending her gifts and learning her language and visiting her in secret. What more do you need to know? They're having an affair.

If you really want to stay married then this relationship must end. If he choses her, then let him chose her now, rather than later. I'm sorry. This must be awful for you. Especially being pregnant.

I can see how this will pay out. You'll demand that they cut contact, he will refuse, then he'll blame you for ending things because you are being unreasonable.

bragmatic Mon 18-Nov-13 06:31:58

Do you have family around, OP? You'll need them. When are you due? What are your living arrangements? Do you rent/own? Do you have your own income?

WTFlike Mon 18-Nov-13 06:52:08

He met her 2 months ago and he's visited her abroad twice?!

Kick him out.

isme10 Mon 18-Nov-13 07:46:50

You say you both have issues but think you can overcome them.

It's easy for us outsiders to post a reply to you and say clearly he is having an affair...and clearly he is having something. You have confirmed as much but is it an affair, is it sex? Nobody knows that.

Actually it can be much more hurtful to have your man make such a big effort and go to such lengths when sex is not involved. (or perhaps not involved YET) Could it be that he is chasing a relationship that he would like to have but that she is less willing? It doesn't actually make things any better for you but clearly the fact that you haven't acted yet and are asking these questions means you want believe there is a chance for you both.

If you think you are tough enough to handle a meeting, with dignity,then go ahead and meet this woman but do it with your husband and I feel sure you will KNOW what you need to do but of course he could make the decision to act regardless as you say in your post when you say he has hinted he may not be willing to stop the relationship/friendship.

If they really are just friends then you have to be included in that friendship or you are in trouble. If its more than that you need to know now. Take control and good luck.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 18-Nov-13 08:10:17

He is blatantly taking you for a fool. Everything you've said sounds so wrong of what a relationship is about. He is having an affair and stringing you along.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 08:12:23

Well, of course she is going to say they are just friends.

I wouldn't be interested in meeting her. He has traveled abroad to stay with her - lying to you and spending your family money in the process.

You don't have to put up with this. I'm sorry OP but your DH is having a relationship with someone else.

TheCrumpetQueen Mon 18-Nov-13 08:13:45

You're under reacting

MissScatterbrain Mon 18-Nov-13 08:22:12

99% of cheats minimise.

They never had sex, they are just friends, they only did it once etc.

Come on - with all those opportunities, they are shagging each other as well as being emotionally attached. He has emotionally, mentally and physically checked out of the marriage - if you asked him to cut all ties with this woman, what do you think he will do/say?

Get tested for STIs sad

It's very easy - you tell him he is absolutely welcome to travel abroad to see her, but if he does you will file for divorce in his absence.... and follow through.

He has no incentive at all to change his behaviour at the moment. Give him an incentive. If he won't give her up after that, he is never going to give her up, and you'll have saved yourself months of misery.

I've been in your shoes.

Tiredemma Mon 18-Nov-13 08:23:18

did he just tell you about her or did you find something out?

MissScatterbrain Mon 18-Nov-13 08:23:19

And do NOT contact this woman. She will have her own agenda and she will not tell you the whole truth.

AnnThology Mon 18-Nov-13 08:23:35

where is the OP?
i hate it when people post and run

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 08:26:31

Is this a wind up ?

Onefewernow Mon 18-Nov-13 08:27:40

Worcestersauce has it.

killpeppa Mon 18-Nov-13 08:27:51

You are so calm!

Ive jus separated after my husband cheated & I would be utterly furious.

whether they have had sex or not is irrelevant, you are third trimester & hes off spending hundreds of pound on another women, showering her in gifts and learning her language. I highly doubt there has been NO sexual contact.

If i were you, I would leave.

thanks

cheeseandpineapple Mon 18-Nov-13 08:28:15

To answer your questions Dazed:

*Could you believe they really were friends, even after talking to her?*No need to talk to her, they are not friends, they are having an emotional affair and if they haven't crossed a physical line yet (unlikely they haven't), they will want to if they continue their relationship.

What questions would you ask her if you were me? I wouldn't want to ask her anything. What she tells you is immaterial. Your husband is at fault here. If anything I'd want to check in with her partner to see if he's aware of what she's up to.

Would I be unreasonable to demand they stop their friendship? if he's not willing to, of his own accord, without you asking because he knows the relationship is crossing lines and betraying you then unfortunately it's time to call time on the relationship. I think you will find it very hard to overcome what he's done and continues to do if he's not willing to fight to save your marriage.

Has anyone been in the same situation and been able to rebuild the trust? Went through something similar with my partner pre my DH and children. We had been together for 4 years, with hindsight, he took me for granted and often seemed ambivalent towards me. He met someone at work and I had my suspicions there was more than friendship at play, I had met her a few times and instinct told me they were attracted to each other. He swore blind that nothing was going on, we split up as I didn't think he was committed to me. I was devastated, he got together with her, denied it for a long time, then realised the grass wasn't as green and wanted to reunite. I'd moved on by then and I think he learned too late what he needed to do to fight for our relationship and rebuild my trust. Ironically, if I hadn't got together with my now DH a few months after the split, I might have been tempted to get back together with my ex because he was finally treating me the way I had wanted to be treated. The shock of losing me shook him up and made him realise what he needed to do. Fortunately it was too late because whilst I would have trusted him again, I realised that fundamentally we weren't compatible and I ended up in a relationship with someone who treated me well and the contrast was immense.

It's tougher for you because you have a child and another on the way. He needs to acknowledge what he's doing is unacceptable and he needs to take responsibility for his actions and right the wrong. If he's not willing to work at rebuilding the trust, you will always feel insecure and he will not respect you as he knows he can treat you poorly with no consequences.

So sorry you're going through this whilst pregnant too. Last thing you need. Be tough and uncompromising on this, he may not expect that from you but if he can't see what he's doing is a deal breaker, that in itself is a deal breaker.

Lazyjaney Mon 18-Nov-13 08:59:42

"she is just a friend who is great fun and he can talk to, as they are both unhappy in their relationships"

She is a recent symptom of far bigger issues you and your DH are having IMO.

AuntieStella Mon 18-Nov-13 09:12:04

Well, he is either having a full blown affair or is close to it.

And unfortunately for you, whether he does or not is in his hands not yours.

The extent and intimacy of this 'friendship' would make me very unhappy, because of the emotional content of discussing unhappy marriages.

What is communication with him like generally? Does he realise what he is risking?

MadBusLady Mon 18-Nov-13 09:13:01

she is just a friend who is great fun and he can talk to, as they are both unhappy in their relationships.

The problem is that what he has admitted to is already very, very wrong (even though it certainly isn't the whole story). What kind of idiot thinks the way to solve their relationship problems is develop a "friendship" with another equally unhappy woman to discuss it with and spend hundreds of pounds and hours of their time focussing on that friendship including gifts and trips abroad FFS?

I think Bragmatic is right and he's setting you up to fail when you (quite rightly) raise objections to all this. This is to protect him from the self-knowledge that he's trashed his marriage and abandoned his pregnant wife, by giving you a tiny role in it. I don't see a way forward that doesn't result in him flouncing off accusing you of being a jealous controlling harpy - unless he has a dramatic turnaround and ditches her altogether, which seems unlikely at this stage. He is a shit. I'm sorry this is happening to you. flowers

clam Mon 18-Nov-13 09:15:36

Does it actually make any difference if they've had sex? If you knew for certain they hadn't, would you feel any better about the amount of thought, effort and money he's putting into this relationship, which appears to be at the expense of your marriage?

clam Mon 18-Nov-13 09:18:19

But really, I mean come ON. What man will go away to stay with a woman he clearly has feelings for and not shag her if the opportunity arose? The only answer to that is one who is faithfully invested and committed to his own marriage/relationship, but it doesn't sound as if your bloke is.
Sorry.

sparklysilversequins Mon 18-Nov-13 09:26:00

I don't think it really matters whether he had sex with her or not, he's having a full blown affair, certainly on his side anyway. I would chuck him out immediately.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I would be devastated.

What do you think, deep down?

The line would of been crossed for me when he lied and flew to another country to see her.

Dazedandconfused2013 Mon 18-Nov-13 10:30:36

Thank you for your messages. I haven't just posted and run - I wrote it after another sleepless night churning over the information and possible outcomes, and then had to get up with DS1. I have a lot to do today, but will be checking in when I can to read your responses.

You are pretty much all saying what I think. I did ask him to leave, but he returned last night and we had a very long conversation. I was convinced he was having full on affair, but he has put some doubt in my mind.

I'll try to respond to the questions you have asked. I found out initially not by snooping but just little things which suggested he was hiding something (changing passwords, closing tabs whenever I approached him on his computer/iphone), and things from this country kept popping up and I found the presents in his suitcase when getting the laundry, and instead of him giving them to me they disappeared and I did then snoop and found them in his briefcase. When I confronted him, he admitted to the rest (the hotel, the flights).

I do feel, as someone said, it might be a case of turning this back round on me so I feel I am the one responsible for ending our marriage and splitting up our family.

I have several reasons for wanting to speak to her. Firstly to test DH, because most men would not want their DW to speak to their mistress. Secondly to see if she tells me the same as him, because I feel I am driving myself mad wanting to know. Thirdly, and maybe this is wrong, I want her to have to face up to her part in this, if as he said she is aware of my situation (her partner does not know). And finally because somehow I feel it will give me some sort of closure, as I am driving myself mad wondering what is true, although of course it might make things worse.

Thank you again for your opinions and sympathy.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Mon 18-Nov-13 10:33:01

There is nothing she can tell you that you don't already know.

He is focusing on another woman instead of you and your kids. He is spending money on her instead of you and your kids. He is spending time with her instead of you and your kids. He is even learning her bloody language.

why is it so hard to believe that you deserve more in a relationship than what this liar and cheat is giving you?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 10:36:32

She will lie to you. They will have cooked up some cock and bull story similar to the one you already seem on the verge of swallowing. Your beef is with your cheating husband, not her.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Mon 18-Nov-13 10:52:35

Hes having an affair, get some dignity and kick him out, you dont need this shit while your preparing to have another child.

He'll leave you not long after the baby has arrived, after all who wants to be the cunt who dumps his pregnant wife.

Joysmum Mon 18-Nov-13 10:59:29

One thing I know for sure, if my hubby's best mate was in another country, he wouldn't go abroad to visit him twice in two months.

HerdyHerdwick Mon 18-Nov-13 11:12:17

No point in talking to her.
He will tell her that they're busted as soon as he possibly can. They'll synchronise their stories.
Then what follows if it's the usual script is that he will wind down contact with her for a while, until the situation has cooled down somewhat. by that he means until you've stopped 'harrassing' him for information.
Often they tell their wife that they've cut all contact with OW and frequently this is a complete lie. Even if they have cut contact they fully intend to resume when it feels safe to do so.
It is in both their interests to deny at this stage, therefore he will minimise and admit to only the bare minimum. Like 'we haven't had sex'.

Sorry this is happening to you.

bragmatic Mon 18-Nov-13 11:15:10

He's told her you know. They've already got their stories straight. He's way ahead of you.

'bout time you got mad, I recon. Seething mad.

clam Mon 18-Nov-13 11:17:46

OK, so even if this was a male "mate," would you be happy about it all?

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Mon 18-Nov-13 11:26:20

would he being doing all that if his "friend" was male?

daiseehope Mon 18-Nov-13 11:38:53

Hello OP, very sorry for your troubles. I think I would end up causing a major scene and either crying horrendously or punching her if I looked for the OW, maybe not a great idea. Can you arrange to see a solicitor if he will not leave. By instigating "a breather" for yourself you are not ending it. He ended it by having an affair. His heart is elsewhere, I'm sorry to say. Would an ultimatum be a good idea? It would sort it one way or the other. Tell him to stay somewhere else and sort out what he wants, or just change the locks. If he uses it as an excuse for a little holiday then there's your answer. I always think that sharing emotions is closer than sharing bits, but I'm odd xxxx

skyeskyeskye Mon 18-Nov-13 11:54:32

dazed - the very fact that your H has hidden all of this from you, means that he knows that it is wrong. My XH did the same, changed passwords, secret email account, kept his phone on him at all times, even slept with it.

I am so sorry that you have discovered this while you are pregnant. Your H should be supporting you, not investing his emotions in another woman.

This woman is more than a best friend. There is a great book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, that is usually recommended in situations like this.

Your H cannot remain "friends" with this woman. He needs to cut all contact with her. If he can't do that, then he has a problem.

Dazedandconfused2013 Mon 18-Nov-13 12:09:19

Thank you all again. I know I would be saying the same if I read my own post. I have been though all emotions from rage to despair, feeling like a prize idiot, wanting to hurt him as much as he has me and wanting to find a way through for our children. Working very hard not to do anything rash, and in that I include anything which legally I am not allowed to (like locking him out physically). Also conscious we somehow have to remain civil whatever happens, for the DCs.

I am getting my own personal account and seeing a solicitor for advice.

Skye, I will get a copy of the book. Thank you.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 12:12:58

Those are good first steps, Dazed. Knowledge is power. I would get your financial situation locked down ASAP, this bloke sounds like a Fucking Romantic Idiot that would throw his family under a bus to chase after his own "personal fulfillment"

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 18-Nov-13 12:16:39

Someone I know got his wife and his friend to meet - friend gave the wife loads of assurances regarding how their relationship was platonic etc etc. Honestly not worth the effort - he left his wife and ended up living with his "friend" in the flat above me.

He is behaving unreasonably - either he sorts himself out and treats you and his family with respect or I would tell him you are unhappy and the marriage is over. Men can be such prats.

MissScatterbrain Mon 18-Nov-13 13:16:45
Flora5 Mon 18-Nov-13 13:25:01

I actually think you should contact this woman. Tell her how you feel, especially as you are about to have another baby. Tell her you are being undermined and feel emotionally abused by her friendship with YOUR husband and tell her to BOG OFF and leave you both alone. You are a couple and she is unwelcome by half of it.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 18-Nov-13 13:25:37

Bad move.

TurnipCake Mon 18-Nov-13 13:35:15

I wouldn't confront her. They've probably already got their stories straight and she'd most likely tell you what you want to hear while you win the title of crazy harpie wife.

MissScatterbrain Mon 18-Nov-13 13:36:35

Telling her to bog off can backfire - OW may feel compelled to fight for him.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 18-Nov-13 13:40:47

Besides which, the most attractive woman in the world can't steal a husband who doesn't want to be stolen.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Mon 18-Nov-13 13:47:25

You say he has hinted that he would be unwilling to give up the friendship which means you've already lost him.

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