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Just broken(46 Posts)
I have read so many threads on here about affairs, infidelity, separation & divorce & even though everyone says it will get better & you will get stronger I am just falling apart & feel so low & can not snap out of this horrific sadness.
I have been with my DH for 23 years, married for 20 & have 2 children aged 20 & 17.
We have had marriage problems now for a few years & he did have an affair 5 years ago. I thought we'd worked through it & we were stronger than ever. I have strong moral values & I honestly thought I'd married for life. I loved him so much & yes I still do.
Anyway we've had problems again for approx 18 months & I have worked so so hard to get it back on track. I'll try & explain without rambling on as it is long winded.
DH has been saying all this time that he loves me, wants to be married, fancies me but the guilt of the affair has made him struggle with life. He has moved out on several occasions to go to his mums & clear his head
, all the time saying 'I love you so much' etc etc. I thought maybe he was depressed & so managed to talk him into going to the doctors & he was referred for counselling. The counsellor then referred him to a psychologist. This seemed to help him with the guilt & he'd come home & we'd have weeks where our old life would return & We would be so happy.
Then in April he moved out again. He said he was living a lie & although there was no one else involved he said the guilt of the affair was destroying him & he felt I deserved to be with someone better. He was gone for 6 weeks & in that time he continued with the psychologist & in time my old DH returned. It was like a light switch had been flicked & he became positive about our future & he couldn't apologise enough for his behaviour. I was ecstatic.
Then in mid June he said he wanted to go away for the weekend with the lads. Money was tight & it has been my birthday a week before & I had wanted to go away but he had said no we can't afford it. I reminded him of this & he flipped & said I was unreasonable & he couldn't live like this. The kids were aware of his request to go away & told him some home truths, saying he treats us like shit, keeps moving out, makes the home unhappy etc & he did his same old trick..... Moved out.
We didn't see him for 6 weeks. I was still receiving texts saying 'I miss you, love you, don't let this be over" etc. I asked him if there was anyone else & he rolled off his normal response that nobody ever believes him & he would never hurt us again.
So then at end of July we met up & we talked for hours. We both said that we didn't want to be divorced & we loved each other but living together wasn't working. So we would strip it all right back, go to relate & do everything to make it work. We had a brilliant 3 weeks- days out with the kids, cinema, meals etc.
Then in August his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer & it seemed to set him back again. He decided he couldn't cope with his mum being ill & his marriage problems & he wanted to cool it off again. 12 weeks ago he said ' I'm not leaving you, I love you so much & I'll ring you". He went to visit his mum in hospital & we haven't seen him since.
I have tried to talk to him, he will send me a text back but I haven't spoke to him. He has sent me the odd text saying ' I miss you, I love you' but not much more. He has not bothered seeing the kids. He sends them a text now & again & he didn't been send my DS a Birthday card or buy him anything on his birthday a few weeks ago.
Last Sunday my DD horrifically discovered on Facebook & twitter that he is living with Another woman. We had no idea. We had no idea he was even on fb! My DD then had the awful job of telling me everything when I came in from work. Our world has fell apart.
I feel so stupid for not seeing what was going on under my nose. I'm not a stupid person, I'm intelligent, kind hearted & know that he took advantage of that.
This woman is rubbing our noses in it by tweeting him lovey messages, she knows my DC's are on there too. I have had no contact with DH but my DD has. She rang him & confronted him & he's continuing with the lies .... I met her on fb, she's just a friend.
I'm in such a mess & don't know where to begin. The DC's are struggling, particularly my DD as she feels such guilt for discovering what he's been doing.
Sorry he's been so dishonest and that you've had such a nasty surprise. If you don't know where to begin the best thing to do is nothing drastic. He's not living with you (if I read that right) which is a bonus so simply drop the contact and take the time to be with yourself and the people that genuinely do love you. Friends, family and so on. Reassure your DD that it's not her fault her father is an irresponsible arse. Reassure yourself that you've not been stupid, just rather too trusting in assuming other people operate the same standards as yourself. When you feel a little stronger, talk to a solicitor. Good luck
How awful for you and your chidren, the only good thing that will come of this is now you fully understand and so do the children and hopefully you can get closure and he won't be able to torture you all by leaving and returning on a whim. Its so bad for your daughter to have her Dad exposed as such a dishonest person and have to be the one to tell you but this is not your fault. I don't understand why he is still lying but it must be that he likes living a double life and does not want to lose the option of returning and you trying so hard to make it work. I guess you need to no longer have any contact with him unless it it regarding the children who are now old enough to decide whether to see him or not. He may have just lost everything and does not seem to be wanting to belive the game is up. I hope as time passes you feel better. You will be okay its been twelve weeks and the world didn't stop. But its horrible news and must be devastating
Thank you Cog, I think I've been in shock all week & my mind is working over time. Everything is falling into place - he would come back to us if she was on holiday abroad & it looks like she has not long left her husband. Presumably he was keeping his options open. I can not accept/believe how cruel he has been to us. And to allow us to think he had depression. He promised he would call my DD to meet her last Wednesday but he didn't phone her. He's a coward, I know that. I feel like I'm walking through mud & I can't eat, sleep or function properly. I hate feeling like this.
Oh yeah... 'depression'. I get called all sorts of names on here because I have an innate suspicion of anyone who attributes crappy and cruel behaviour to 'depression'... but it's used too often IME.
Do you have people you can be with? Does anyone else know the truth yet?
Tim, thank you. He text me approx 6 weeks ago saying I miss you so much. That gave me hope. I text him back saying do I need to see a solicitor & he said he didn't want to be divorced from me. Cruel, cruel man.
I know now why he struggled with life. It must be a bloody nightmare leading a double one!!
My family know & are being brilliant. I wish I could just get rid of this pain I'm in & be happy. 23 years of my life with someone I love(d) so much just gone. I'm finding it so hard to accept. I wish I wasn't so weak
What he wants is immaterial now. You take top priority. What you actually want - a happy marriage with a faithful man - is not possible any more, so you have to take whatever steps are necessary to do what is possible to achieve a good life without him. Very difficult when you feel the way you do now, admittedly.
Ewwwwww what a disgusting pig he is.
He doesn't want a divorce ? Fuck that....get your appointment booked tomorrow and please stop any contact with this worm.
BTW... the weak person in all this is not the one who has invested a lot in a relationship and is now having to deal with the fall-out, reassure the DCs and contemplate a completely different life. The weak person is the one that didn't have the guts to be honest and who, even now, is lying and letting people down. I wonder if his girlfriend knows he runs home to play Happy Families when she's out of town? Appalling man.
I'm not in contact with him & haven't been for about 5 weeks now. I know my marriage is over but why can't I accept it? That question even seems contradictory. I know the kids & I deserve better. I'm just so heartbroken that this has ended.
I would love to contact her for no other reason than making myself feel better. BUT, my wise mum keeps saying rise above it & hold your head high. DD has done some digging & he's been lying to her too. I want to make his life hell!!
Jellycat, speak to a solicitor as soon as possible ensure he can't screw you over financially.
I honestly would not trust him as far as I could throw him, he's only looking out for himself.
You poor love. What a total shit he is. Well, his sordid little game is over now and this woman is welcome to the lying bastard.
Your reaction is absolutely understandable and normal: not sleeping, not eating, walking through mud etc. But these hideous emotions and the physical pain will pass. I promise.
You must be tremendously strong, not to mention extraordinarily patient and loving, to have let him go and taken him back so many times. This alone would have destroyed many spouses. You need to summon up all that strength now and put an end to this awful charade.
In your shoes (I have walked in your shoes) I would make some bold and positive moves. Starting tomorrow.
See a solicitor and petition for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour.
What is the financial situation? Do you have joint savings? A joint mortgage or tenancy? Who is currently paying the bills?
If you don't have one, set up a sole account and put any savings or spare money into that.
If you own the house, get it valued.
By taking some bold steps you can start getting some sense of control back into your life.
Try to eat a little and often.
Visit your doctor for some sleeping meds or anti-depressants.
Tell EVERYONE what he's been doing, rally your friends and family and reach out for support. Any shame is all his, not yours. All you are guilty of, is believing him, and showing the gutless pig love and understanding.
This husband of yours has betrayed you in the worst possible way. He is a consummate coward, a pathological liar and an entitled c***.
Have a stiff drink and make a list this afternoon of all that you are going to set in motion from 9am tomorrow morning.
After 20+ years it's very difficult to switch from 'on' to 'off'. It takes time to process the information, accept the change and adjust. Grief is not a straight-line thing. Denial... anger... bargaining... depression... acceptance. You'll be experiencing all of those on a repeating cycle until you get to 'acceptance'. That can take a long time and all you can do in the meantime is try to divert yourself by staying busy, talking to those who will listen and, if necessary, seeking medical support
Wow I am sobbing. This is all real isn't it?
I wouldn't normally recommend this but, seeing as they are all so palsy-walsy on Facebook - which IMHO is like conducting an affair via billboard - it really wouldn't be out of line to post something on his timeline, not vitriolic or spiteful, but which would make it clear that he had been two-timing everyone.... I'm sure you're clever enough to think of something subtle but damning.
It is very real... I'm so sorry. Crying is probably a good thing in the circumstances. Sounds like you've been putting on a brave face for five years already, maybe longer, and that will have been a terrible strain. When you get past the crying and into 'anger' you'll be on the path to recovery.
As it's all so "open" if DD wants to post a comment then why not? Or even you? No reason for the OW not to know he's a lying cunt, is there?
I'm not on Facebook. Would you like to do it for me? ;)
Such appalling behaviour. Your poor kids (and you obviously). You are right, he has taken advantage of your good nature, shame on him (not you)!!!!
You forgave him once but, really, this time takes the biscuit - no? He doesnt want to get divorced because basically he doesn't have the courage of his convictions and wants to have his cake and eat it. You deserve so much better than this.
I couldn't read this and not post. This is like a bereavement process because you have to accept that the person you were in love with and had a good marriage with doesn't exist anymore. There may be a person walking around who looks and sounds like him, but you have to understand that you can't get the person you knew back.
He, by the way, has failed in every way as a parent and as a decent human being. He should never have put your daughter in the position of having to give you that news.
He is so selfish and entitled he actually thinks he might be able to keep you hanging on, or divorce on his terms when he bloody well feels like it. Please prove him wrong, see a solicitor and start protecting you and your children financially.
Take screen shots of the tweets and fb messages on her timeline and use them as your evidence fro unreasonable behaviour. I'd name her on the divorce paperas actually you have evidence.
TBH, in this grieving process you should analyse why you kept allowing him to go off and coming back.
My guess is he's doing something similar to the other woman.
His going away then returning keeps him away from his responsibility on your marital problems, and keeps it exciting for him.
In your DD's place I'd be raging, probably more than if I was the wife. As a wife, I'd remove myself from his life gracefully. As his DD I'd probably let all hell get loose.
The level of betrayal you have suffered is breathtaking. I was 12 years with a FW who was abusive in every way possible way, but nothing he ever did to me was as outright inhuman as this.
You have not been "stupid": you have been caring and decent towards a pond-life who doesn't deserve the right to call himself a person at all. I once knew someone who was badly ripped off by a man he thought was his friend. He was berating himself as to why he had not seen it coming and his wife said: "because you are not the sort of person to look for the bad in people".
Do not blame yourself: forget worrying about him and look after yourself and your DCs. Let your emotions run their natural course and give yourself time to deal with the shock and the grief of it all.
Sorry to be harsh jelly when you are in so much pain but it is more than likely the reason he has been avoiding divorce is for financial reasons.
It sounds like he thought he could get away with starting a new life but throwing you the odd line and glimmer of hope just to stop you from formalising the split and dividing your assets.
The yoyoing back and forth is also a kind of emotional abuse. You've had to live with the threat of abandonment for a long time and it's very damaging.
Do have a read of the Chumplady website, it's very down to earth and helpful in understanding the motivations of an (unrepentant) cheater.
Please do also see a solicitor as soon as possible.
Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you. I have been through a similar situation (and survived).
Agree with the advice to see a solicitor asap - and yes, in these circumstances name the OW- nothing like a solicitors letter to start to bring a bit of reality to his 'happy' new life.
You aren't weak, you are lovely and caring and have been trying to keep your family together. You will get through this, although his cruelty is absolutely breathtaking. Take care.
I'm so sorry this has happened. Are you going to go ahead and see that solicitor now?
Jellycat l am sure a number of us MNers would be hapy to post on your behalf. Just give us a nod and consider it done.
Jelly please let your mortgage company (if you have one) know that you are separated and also notify the banks, building society (anywhere, in fact where you have either joint money or a sole account in your name where he might know your password - I speak from bitter experience here). I would also notify Council Tax people and give the date he moved out.
What an utterly shitty, cowardly and cruel thing to do to your family.
time to show him that you are not going to sit around crying into your cardigan (even if you are) while he has his cake.
Just catching up. Thank you all so so much for your kind words & support. I've actually made myself get dressed & go food shopping. That's a start.
I fully intend to see a solicitor tomorrow. A colleague at works sister is a family lawyer & she is going to help me.
He hasn't paid the mortgage or any bills in nearly a year. I am lucky that we now only have a relatively small mortgage & I work full time in a good job so I can manage. My eldest has a good job too & works fill time & pays board. My son is in sixth form & something did make me involve CSA back in July so I get maintenance for him. He didn't pay that voluntarily though & they had to write to his workplace!
I am frightened to death what's ahead. I married for life & it scares me being alone. I'm a strong person normally but this has ripped me apart. We had a wonderful life together. I don't know what he thinks he will gain.
My DD has said the OW is a minger which makes it easier! I haven't looked & I'm not ready too either. I'm nodding to whoever wishes to cause a stink for me tho ;)
Being alone is something you can very easily fix. Friends, family, even getting back in the dating game if you want to. Alone is optional. Feeling lonely is a different thing and you're going to have a STBXH hole in your life for a while. However, if you're a strong person, and you've enjoyed a wonderful life to date I think you sound resourceful enough to create a new future. Different to the one you were expecting, certainly. Challenging, possibly. But with the big bonus of not having to share it with someone who doesn't care.
You may have had a wonderful life together once, but his treatment of you is very much the opposite.
Your life alone (at least for the time being) can only be an improvement on the roller coaster he has put you through. I can understand that it is final now, whereas as before you had hope, and hope is a powerful feeling. It can lead us through some awful times. But it can also destroy our lives, because we stick to abusers like your husband. And, yes, I call him an abuser, because regardless of him having depression or not, that was no way to treat a loved one. It would have been better if he had let you go to start with.
What's ahead is frightening but not because you won't deal with anything and everything to come - more because as you say, this wasn't the plan, you had completely opposing agenda's except you didn't know what his was - and that's frightening.
With or without MN 'helping' things along on FB - this is one where I reckon it'll all unravel for him as it becomes crystal clear for you.
You poor darling - how dreadful. But - the worst is over, you've found out, finally, what a horrible, deceitful and nasty shit he is. From now on, it's only up ... yes, still be hard and gut-wrenchingly sad but, it can only get better. Loads of good advice here, about making sure the worm doesn't shaft you financially - good legal help is a MUST. And don't let him come and go, that's just picking at a trying to heal scab - tell him he's gone and he stays gone, and change the locks if necessary. Even if he was suddenly to 'see the error of his ways', and beg to return, you shouldn't trust a word that comes out of his bloody mouth. Cut him off, personally and legally. You WILL come through this.
I am astounded at all your kind words. It means so much.
I did see a solicitor a couple of months ago but just took her advise re money, home etc. At the time I still thought my marriage could be saved, doh!!
I have my own bank account & have had for some time. We did still have a joint account that his wages went into & it was that account that the mortgage & bills were debited from. He stopped his wages going into that account in July so I switched all the direct debits to go from my account, hence I pay everything. I can not allow the mortgage to go unpaid, simple. The mortgage lender have told me on several occasions that they are not bothered who pays it as long as it is paid. They are not interested in chasing him at all as long as it's paid.
I am managing financially. It's hard as we were a 2 income family & so to lose a decent wage coming into the home every month is hard. Bang goes treats etc but is that the end if the world in the grand scheme of things?
I worry so much for the kids. I know they are older but they are both struggling so much. I did try & protect them from a lot of stuff but I haven't done so much this last week. In fact, they already knew more than I thought & they have both said he made then unhappy. DD rang him when she discovered his lies on fb. It took him 24 missed calls to pick up. He still lied to her. He then promised he'd ring her back & arrange to meet her in the week to talk. She's still waiting. B***ard!
I am absolutely heartbroken that this has come to this. I have strong moral values & married for life & you know what, we had a bloody brilliant life together. My future with him has gone & I struggle with that. He was a huge part of my life & I was so I love with him. In fact I still love him. Or as my very sensible & beautiful DD says ' no mum, you don't love him - you loved the man that left & never came back'
Jesus! He stopped his wages and left you to pay everything - did he ever discuss the fact ? It's a good job you are so sensible and financially astute, you're a credit and sound like you have been running your family without him for a long time. It is unfair that he can just check in and out at will. But there's comes a point where you say enough is enough. Your DD sounds as smart as you , he's let you all down, very badly. I'm sorry he's done this to you.
I am sorry that you have discovered such a huge betrayal. As somebody else said, it is a grieving process that you have to go through. I also that I had married for life and it is very hard to deal with a breakup when it is not what you want.
Get some good legal advice. It is good if you are paying the bills as you can prove that you have paid the mortgage alone since a certain date. Find out exactly what you are entitled to. Take control by knowing exactly where you stand.
The man that you love has changed and that is hard to deal with, but it will help if you can see that.
It does get better, over time and everybody is different in how they deal with things and how they move on. Access counselling if you can, to help you talk it through and come to terms with it.
Listen to your daughter, sweetheart, you raised a wise soul there
I believe you that you had a good marriage. He has killed it though, stone dead. Please do everything you can to bring yourself to an acceptance of that fact x
Well I have contacted my solicitor again & she is going to get the ball rolling re divorce.
I thought this would empower me but I am devastated & just desperately sad. This is never what I wanted. However, I do realise & accept there is no going back now.
I have done all I can re my finances for now so that's all sorted.
And now I have to put on a brave face & go to work. I can't decide whether this will help me or not as right now I just want to hide.
What a bastard. The mind boggles. All the best OP
Take it very easy on yourself and lean on your lovely family x
Thank you everyone. You will never know how much you have helped.
My family are amazing & the kids keep me going, they are a joy & I am very proud.
Unfortunately I don't have the best job for putting on a brave face, this will be a test. Xx
Your kids sound wonderful. Listen to them and help each other through this.
All the best.
poor you...he sounds awful. The only way is to get a divorce and then try and move on with your life...Even though you've had a terrible time, you sound solid and your kids are with you, so I'm sure you'll be fine x
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