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Husband just admitted cheating. What now?

(74 Posts)
BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 07:54:41

Early hours of Saturday my husband came in, admitted he's been cheating on me on and off over the last two years. We have two kids a toddler and a baby. We live oversees so no family around us and a few friends. He's been lying to us all. I don't want this for my kids, but I don't know how to try to work it out.
Am I weak and giving a bad example to kids if I don't walk away.

Lweji Sun 17-Nov-13 07:58:15

Different people deal with affairs differently.

Did he volunteered it, or did you find out?

You'll need an STD check (now and in about six months).

What was the type of cheating? One offs with different women? Prostitutes? A one, on-off affair?

Lweji Sun 17-Nov-13 07:58:30

Oh, and so sorry for you. sad

newbiefrugalgal Sun 17-Nov-13 08:22:03

I know you don't have family but do you have some friends to support you?
I have been where you are -it is very early days and you will go through so many stages.
I had (have!) some very dark days when I could barely get DC to school. You may not have this option with such young children but you really need time and space.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 08:30:20

Yes prostitutes. Makes me so embarrassed to wrote that.
We live over seas and there's a lot of it about. Just never thought he would go there.
He has to tell as let's just say she had left her mark.
I have friends but a lot of them are mutual and I don't know how to start to explain.
I do have a helper at home, so she will help me with the kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Nov-13 08:32:11

I'm sorry this has happened to you and I'm sure you're feeling very shocked and panicked. You don't have to make any long-term decisions right now but I would strongly recommend you ask him to leave the home temporarily. This would give you the time gather yourself, get some support, calm down and think clearly. 'On and off over the last two years' is not something you can easily dismiss or work out.

bouncysmiley Sun 17-Nov-13 08:32:48

I think a bit of time apart may be a good starting point. It will send a clear message that what he did is not acceptable and give you time to think.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 17-Nov-13 08:38:22

Oh you poor thing sad

Using prostitutes would be a deal breaker for me.

Either way you need to get STI checks, and you should get him to move out so you can decide what you want to do next.

If you split would you want to come back to the uk?

itsmeisntit Sun 17-Nov-13 08:43:31

Prostitutes an absolute deal breaker. this man has no respect for women-or for you. He has put your health at risk by his selfishness--he obviously would have continued had he not been forced to admit this.

Walk away OP--do this not just for you but for your DC's.
This man is not a good role model or a good father.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 09:09:18

I know....I really don't want to loose him, but the level of deception is massive. The excuses are appalling but I am so blindsided I don't know where to start.
I want him here to help me deal with it, but I see your point about time apart. It's just that I'm pretty lonely I realise and actuly look forward to his company at the end of the day, I'm a SAHM.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 09:13:24

Also, he has been having a relationship with the
Last one. He left work early on Friday to see her, stayed with her til 4 am then woke me up to tell me about it. I know the damage is done but I don't want him to be able to see her if he's away from the house...
Can't believe I'm saying this...,he's done a right number on me.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 09:14:47

So while conceiving your baby, through your pregnancy and your time with a newborn, he has been paying women to have sex with them.

I'm so sorry.

Is there anyone you can stay with, Praps in uk, where you can have time to think over what he has done to your family.

ProfPlumSpeaking Sun 17-Nov-13 09:15:45

I am so sorry for you. How feasible is it to start making plans to return to the UK? Where do the rest of your family live? Is there anyone in RL you can stay with for a while? It will be difficult to ever get back from this one sad but you will have a good future either alone or, eventually, with someone who treats you and women with respect.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 09:16:31

Oh bk, let him go to her if that's what he wants. He has been spending your family money to sleep with her, he's been taking time away from his children to sleep with her. He's not some hero.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 17-Nov-13 09:25:28

Sorry this has happened. I think it would be worth asking him to stay somewhere while you consider all of your options.

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 17-Nov-13 09:30:44

OP you deserve so much more. You only get one. Life and it goes so fast. Please think about the life you want. It isn't bad being a single parent. You can't live with someone who is seeing someone else and you can't stop him seeing others - it will kill you with the stress and worry. Hugs.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 09:33:29

Is coming back to the uk -even for just a few weeks - an option?

Get him to pay. He has no doubt spent the equivalent of flights on his prostitutes over the last two years.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 17-Nov-13 09:38:48

If you make him move out then he may just realise what he is losing and the shock help him see things more clearly.

If he does keep seeing her, then you have your answer.

You won't be making it easier for him to cheat. He has been doing that already, while living WITH you... And no doubt getting his washing done, his food cooked, his ironing etc., etc.,

Brandnewmamma Sun 17-Nov-13 09:42:38

I wouldn't stay with him op... It went on for so long and it could hurt you more longterm.

Pooka Sun 17-Nov-13 09:45:07

Are you in middle east? If you are and you think you want to come back to uk, can you accumulate evidence of the adultery should he want to prevent you leaving? He would be in very weak position if you had evidence of the adultery and live in ME.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sun 17-Nov-13 09:46:55

So he not only put your health at risk, he put you baby at risk too, he could have passed anything on to both of you.

For me thats a dealbreaker and he'd have been carrying on. Get him out of the house for some space.

dozeydoris Sun 17-Nov-13 09:48:46

Are you in the Far East? Some countries have high rates of Aids.

Lweji Sun 17-Nov-13 09:56:34

What is he saying? Is he apologetic, or just matter of fact, or does he intend to carry on?
Did she give him a disease or did he get pregnant?

Could you go back home?

I do think you need time apart to figure out how you stand without his pressure.
Will you ever be able to trust him again or truly forgive?

AuntieStella Sun 17-Nov-13 09:58:36

I hink OP will probably know about disease rates where she lives, and has already been advised several times to be tested for STIs. No need to labour the point more, surely?

Op: I think that what you need is time to work out what you want to do. Discovery is a hellish time, and you are likey to be in something akin to medical shock. You need to remember to eat, to ty to sleep, and to get through each day anchored by the damns of you DCs. As the shock subsides, and as you have time to think, yo will be able to start working out what you really want to do.

You do not need to make any decisions straight away.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 17-Nov-13 10:04:07

"I don't want him to be able to see her if he's away from the house... "

You can't win this one. He's seeing her already and his still in your house. hmm I know you're upset, confused & think telling him to get lost would 'drive him into her arms'... but he's already there. I'm so sorry.

ImperialBlether Sun 17-Nov-13 12:03:07

Whereabouts are you? Are you able to leave? I wouldn't be able to stay after that. I also wouldn't want him living with a woman like that and having the children on access visits.

Given a free choice, which country would you prefer to live in, if you were living without him?

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:01:30

Thanks Auntie Stella. Just what I needed to hear.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 13:09:43

I want him here to help me deal with it, but I see your point about time apart.

He is not your friend right now. He will have his own interests, reputation etc at heart and not yours or the kids. Much as you may want him to be there for you, he isn't.

Time apart is always recommended on here. It gives you the space and time to think about what you want and need right now, without his tears/begging/blame whatever. Also, it gives him a taste of what life would be like without you. Would focus his mind on fighting for your relationship and earning your trust back. If that's what he wants to try for.

As has already said, you can not control his behaviour. I certainly wouldn't want to try to keep a man who'd rather be with someone else. She'd be welcome to him.

RaspberryRuffle Sun 17-Nov-13 13:14:09

You've just had a massive horrible shock.
Is there anyone at all back home you can talk to on the phone? An old trusted friend? Family member?
I'd probably ask him to stay in a hotel for the time being. You need space and it's up to you how you ultimately decide to act, but he needs a reality check and to see how serious this is.
Aside from disrespecting you and your family unit for 2 years he only told you when he was going to get caught out, and he woke you in the night to tell you.
Is your DH from the country you live in or have you both moved there?

headlesslambrini Sun 17-Nov-13 13:15:18

If I was you then I would book a flight and come home to be with your family at least for a few weeks, to give you the space from him, the support you need and just some time to think things through.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:21:46

Thanks ladies.
To clarify, we live in Far East. Family and friends in Uk.
We moved here together. There's no way he would try to stop me from leaving or take my DC.
My first instinct is always to run home, but I think it will be impossible to make objective decisions from there.
I am trying to pluck up courage to talk to someone, but it's all so embarrassing.
He thinks I won't need STI tests since he hasn't slept with me since he had his last test, after the first time...,apparently he wouldn't have wanted to put me at risk.....
Also, silly man thinks wearing a condom is enough protection.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:23:06

He doesn't fancy me since I've had the kids since I've lost all other interests, got a bit fat, not made him feel special....

GreenShadow Sun 17-Nov-13 13:23:50

I personally don't think it needs to be a deal breaker, but will mean massive changes in your relationship and will obviously depend on him making big changes if he wants to stay.
Personnally, I don't think I could ever sleep with someone who had done this, but I could probably maintain a relationship outside sex. Whether a man could accept this (without running off to prostitutes again) depends on the individual.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:24:02

So he doesn't want to have sex with me and therefore he can honorably protect me from STI's.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:24:44

So he doesn't want to have sex with me and therefore he can honorably protect me from STI's.

tummybummer Sun 17-Nov-13 13:28:06

I think he sounds vile in every possible way. I have no idea why you'd want to stay with someone who doesn't love, respect or fancy you. If you're lonely there are plenty of people back home in the UK to make friends with. You only get one shot at life, and he is currently shitting all over yours.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 13:31:02

I think you need to make two separate lists. What he wants (so you know what's on offer) and what you want. Is this right,

Him
A non-sexual relationship with you because you don't make him feel special .
A non-sexual relationship with you because then he can have sex with other people and not risk infecting you(!).
A non-sexual relationship with you because you do his laundry and keep a nice home for him to come back to(?)

You

?

LIZS Sun 17-Nov-13 13:31:15

He talks bollocks doesn't he angry. Just because one screening was clear doesn't mean he has protected you sadly. It obviously hasn't been that important to him to do so if eh ash been caught out now.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 13:31:56

I would follow your instincts and go home. I know you've had a massive shock but I dont believe being around him, listening to him, justify buying women for sex will do you any good at all.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sun 17-Nov-13 13:32:15

He doesn't fancy me since I've had the kids since I've lost all other interests, got a bit fat, not made him feel special....

Theres a few stone of dead weight you can lose right there!!!!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 13:33:44

Btw, this is not your embarrassment it is all his.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:38:31

Just had a conversation where I pointed out that his "friend" is working him over. Reminded him about STI's ( I used to teach sex ed to secondary schools, so know my stuff here) and feel marginally better about myself.
Phew. Hope I can sleep a bit better tonight. Realmy just needed to unload.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 13:39:08

Just had a conversation where I pointed out that his "friend" is working him over. Reminded him about STI's ( I used to teach sex ed to secondary schools, so know my stuff here) and feel marginally better about myself.
Phew. Hope I can sleep a bit better tonight. Realmy just needed to unload.

Catchhimatwhat Sun 17-Nov-13 13:42:20

Go home. Really. Go back to the Uk.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 13:43:08

Just had a conversation where I pointed out that his "friend" is working him over.

What do you mean by this?

It sounds to me as though he's not confessed and begged for the chance to earn your trust, love and respect back. It sounds as though he's salved his conscience sand wants this to continue pretty much as they are but without the inconvenience of doing things behind your back. Are you not furious and heart-broken by this?

I hope you can manage to get some peaceful rest tonight.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 13:55:03

I hope you are ok bk.

Your husband is an absolute scumbag.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 17-Nov-13 14:01:07

You are in the far east?

The consent issue with prostitution is always dodgy, since you are are effectively using money to coerce consent.

But in the far east you are often talking about women who were trafficked, who were pushed into prostitution because of lack of money, who have been doing since they were children, who still are children.

This is a guy whose sex life consists of raping women on a regular basis.

I'm not sure what you need to be thinking about.

I mean, he's just vile.

Why would you even consider letting a man like this live in your home?

Do you have a daughter?

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 14:10:01

Vivacia, i dont think op does his laundry.Remember, they are in far east and they have. 'help'.

Op are you happy to be in a marriage with no sex, a man who 'doesnt fancy you', who sleeps with prostitues and in a country with no friends and family?
Why? Would it be so bad to come to uk, find your dignity, see your friends, get a normal job with normal pay and tax, live like the rest of us with no maid? Honestly is not that bad. The life you now have sounds hideous to me.
And you dont even sound angry, you sound more concerned about keeping him.

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 14:12:34

Not much help but I'd see paying for sex as just about sex (not to diminish the hurt that would cause) and far less hurtful than having an emotional affair. Tbh though, either would be a deal breaker because he'd have broken a promise, put his wants before my needs, and I could never trust him again. I couldn't live like that no matter how much I loved him.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 14:17:46

Vivacia, i dont think op does his laundry.

Good point, but I was really trying to identify why he'd want to be in a sexless marriage with his wife who he doesn't respect. Home comforts seemed to be an obvious one.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 14:18:25

Not much help but I'd see paying for sex as just about sex I see it as a damning indication of his views about women.

LIZS Sun 17-Nov-13 14:22:16

Not much help but I'd see paying for sex as just about sex Even so he voluntarily stayed all night on at least one occasion . That isn't "just sex".

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 14:22:51

yy probably the status. He buys the 'married status' wirh one woman and he buys the sex with another woman. Oh the power of money!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 14:26:24

Paying for sex is the absolute pits. In a few days time, when the shock has worn off, Im sure the op will see there's clearly no way back from this.

Please confide in your friends too, op.

KatOD Sun 17-Nov-13 14:27:36

Wow, no more advice than what has already been said.

Your husband is an absolutely evil, selfish, misogynistic bastard.

Ahole Sun 17-Nov-13 14:29:19

What an absolutely despicable way to behave and to treat you, the mother of his children, the woman who has moved abroad for him and given up everything. This must be such a massive shock.

To me this is so much worse than an affair because he has been seeking out woman to use family money to pay to have sex with (half that sex money was yours!), and has chosen women who will put your health at risk, has disrespected you by blaming it on you and your weight gain and personal appearance and on top of that is having an affair as well!

How can a sti check when this started two years ago have protected you when you have a baby? You must have conceived after it started? I assume you didn't use contraception when pregnant? Had oral sex? How on earth can he pretend he hasn't knowingly put you at risk?!

I am sorry that you are married to such a despicable and disrespectful (not just of you but of women in general) cunt op.

What a shock to find out that not don't know your husband at all!

ChasedByBees Sun 17-Nov-13 14:34:45

I would come back to the UK now for some thinking time. If things do get bitter between you, there is the chance he may refuse to let you return with your children.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 14:38:37

Your husband is an absolutely evil, selfish, misogynistic bastard.

You see, I don't think that comments like this are helpful. "Evil"? He's probably a fairly normal person - kind to kittens, cries at The Snowman, is great with the kids and cooks a delicious curry. Labelling him as "evil" will make it very difficult for the OP to be objective. She'll be too busy thinking, "he's not evil" and focusing on the evidence for his good points. This is dangerous if it distracts her from acknowledging the damaging, hurtful aspects of his character.

Lizzabadger Sun 17-Nov-13 14:39:35

It doesn't sound like there is anything there for you in the Far East.

Come home and have a think from there how you would like your life to be.

I am sorry your husband turned out to be such a total shit.

1974rach Sun 17-Nov-13 14:39:37

bk big hug first and foremost.

Get out while you can honey. You and your dc deserve better. Your H Is not a man - he's a snake. Lowest of the low.

xx

KatOD Sun 17-Nov-13 16:14:23

Different people find different things helpful Vivacia, I know I find like-minded venting helps me if i'm furious about something that shouldn't be belittled. That said, you're right in that he's probably not siting at home dreaming up ways to torture puppies! However, consistently deceiving your family and putting your wife's health at risk is pretty low.

Anyway OP, I hope my vitriol on your behalf wasn't distracting and I really hope you can find the support and headspace to try to navigate what's right for you.

BKKate Sun 17-Nov-13 16:32:54

Laquitarthanks for that constructive criticism. I'm sorry that you don't have someone to do your laundry too. That's not really the reason we moved here...
My husband is from another country, I moved away to be with him 10 years ago in his home country. Since then we've moved with his work. It's not that I don't want to be in the Uk...and really, that's not the point here.

beaglesaresweet Sun 17-Nov-13 17:11:08

what does he want though? did he say he wants to save marriage?
if not, what's there to discuss! If he wants marriage only to be with his kids, then would you be willing to have open marriage and have affairs yourself?

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 17:11:39

Oh Bk, you must be feeling all over the place.

Have you got people you can stay with in the UK?

beaglesaresweet Sun 17-Nov-13 17:12:50

I very much doubt that he will break the habit of 2 yrs (or more) of going to prostitutes. A one off could be realistic but it's now his way of life. So it's either the end, or an open marriage option.

Upsethusband Sun 17-Nov-13 17:30:31

Okay I am in a similar situation right now though my wife had an affair over a 6 month period with a work colleague who is also a good friend of mine.

I can't say what will happen to you because we're all different but we spent 4 days discussing and arguing before she went to her parents. I wish she had gone immediately. I am personally going through a wide range of emotions and feelings which change on a daily basis, you need space to get a clear head, if you can somehow do that then it might help.

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 18:12:37

'I m sorry that you dont have someone to do your laudry too'.
Oh dear. Do you think that im bitter about doing my laundry? I dont think anyone would envy you, sorry to say this.
And no need for the anger and sarcasm.

I would go back to uk and build a new life.
But thats me.
You can do what you like. You can come back to uk or you can stay there pretending that everything is ok, he was just a bit of 'silly man' .

Ahole Sun 17-Nov-13 18:31:40

Laquitar.

That isn't really necessary is it? The references to ops maid and how op isn't paying taxes in the UK! What's your problem?

beaglesaresweet Sun 17-Nov-13 18:35:31

I think she meant that if OP wants to stay for the sake of keeping the good liestyle, it's not worth it with a husband like this, but it came out quite abrasive.

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 18:45:33

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Laquitar Sun 17-Nov-13 18:47:19

Sorry about all the typos. I dont know what happened.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Sun 17-Nov-13 22:49:39

I would rather do laundry 12 hours a day than find a way to stay with a man like this

That's all there is to it really, surely ?

kittenzzz Wed 18-Dec-13 12:35:36

I followed this thread with interest as I went through something similar in the same region of the world. We're working on things. Just wondered if you LTB or are managing to work things out, OP?

Jan45 Wed 18-Dec-13 15:43:49

Get yourself back to the UK to people who actually care about you really. This is one vile disgusting human being, if I read right he's been at it for at least 2 years, which probably means double that.

Stay with him and I guarantee you it will all start up again once he thinks he's out the woods.

This man has no respect or love for you, go find someone who does, there's plenty nice men out there.

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