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Would you throw away a 10+ year friendship if your friend called your child the R-word?

(282 Posts)
EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Sat 16-Nov-13 09:25:27

Might cause offence, sorry.

Last night, I uploaded a daft video of my 5yo singing the Fox Song. She absolutely loves the song, and i wanted to share it with my friends and family.

She has HFA and speech/language difficulties. So many of the words weren't clear, she was looking at the side instead of at me/the camera, sounded very monotone (except for the ringdingdingdingdingdering partgrin), was flapping her hands throughout etc.

Anyway, i'm under no false illusions that it was fantastic. It was just a 5yo girl having a sing song.

One of my friends was out at the pub at the time i posted it. She has no kids, nor do the others in my circle of friends, so i doubt this will 'out me'. She commented on it with this (i've fixed the spelling, because it was all text speak which would take me forever to type out):

"Fucking hell. What is this all about? She sounds even more retarded than usual lol (i hate that 'word' almost as much as the R one!). Get this taken down before Facebook remove it for child abuse reasons haha. Check her wee hands out. She's looks like she's going to fly back to Mars any second. Only kidding. But seriously has she been down the pub tonight? She sounds pished! haha!"

I didn't notice the comment for several hours. So it was up there most of the evening. I feel mortified. Lots of other people commented saying she had gone too far etc, but she never replied again. I removed it as soon as i saw it.

Anyway, she phoned me this morning to apologise. She said she was very drunk and it was supposed to be a joke. She said that i should know how much she loves my dd and that i'm seriously over reacting. And DD will be heartbroken if i stop them seeing each other etc.

Basically, i felt like the whole time she was apologising out of duty (not out of guilt) and was making out how much i was over reacting.

We've been good friends since school. We don't get to socialise much nowadays, however, due to me being the only one in the group with a child. But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat.

I just don't know how to deal with this. I almost feel betrayed. I despise that word. And her whole comment was just vile.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do? She's keeps texting me stupid things like 'Hellllooooo, are you receiving me?' She's fairly immature tbh most of the time, but i think she's still drunk as well.

waikikamookau Sat 16-Nov-13 09:27:36

regardless of the word retard, that is horrible.

tethersend Sat 16-Nov-13 09:27:37

You're not the one throwing the friendship away.

She is.

I would probably end the friendship tbh, that is appalling however drunk you are and completely out of order.

FatAssPantaloons Sat 16-Nov-13 09:28:30

Tell her you need time to calm down before you decide whether to forgive her.

tethersend Sat 16-Nov-13 09:29:40

Just receive everything she says with silence or a detached 'mmhhmm' and then don't contact her or respond to her messages.

Either that or explain to her that you cannot have such a monumental cunt as a friend.

MirandaWest Sat 16-Nov-13 09:30:00

That is horrible. I would ignore her for a while at least - can you block her number from your phone?

Annakin31 Sat 16-Nov-13 09:31:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mcmoonfucker Sat 16-Nov-13 09:32:03

That is incredibly vile.
I guess for me it would just show we actually have wipe gaping differences in our values and maybe a true friendship would be difficult from here.
I wouldn't necessarily fall out, but I'd find it hard to spend time with someone who spoke about children like that

Visitingtethersend Sat 16-Nov-13 09:32:11

I don't know how you have fought the urge to not clonk her one. I do swear a fair bit but not round the kids but have never ever wanted to call mine or anyone's kids, let alone somthing that downright nasty. Being drunk is just an excuse.

So sorry OP. I think your friend has shown her true colours in that post. Drunk or not, there really is no excuse.

thanks

ColinButterfly Sat 16-Nov-13 09:32:26

That is awful. I would not want to be friends with this person.

DD will be heartbroken?! Not as heartbroken has she would be to be described in such a manner by someone who is supposed to care about her.

The 'than usual' bit rankles me too. Giving the benefit of the doubt, the R word could be a lapse in judgement but the 'than usual' bit suggests she is making judgements about your daughter all the time.

Mum2Fergus Sat 16-Nov-13 09:33:07

What a horrible person...you've no need for anyone so vile (drunk or not) in your life OP...move on.

ImABadGirl Sat 16-Nov-13 09:33:20

what a cowbag, drunk or not, some things you don't write/say and that's one of them, I'd ditch the friendship OP

PrimalLass Sat 16-Nov-13 09:34:16

I would only reply with two words and the second one would be off. But I am a bridge burning kinda gal.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Sat 16-Nov-13 09:34:34

Her whole post is unforgiveable, with or without using 'that word'. She would be defriended on fucking trouble making facebook and I would reply once to her text messages 'Grow up, fuck off & don't contact me again, ever'.

I am sorry you had to read that bile.

Mumraathenoisylion Sat 16-Nov-13 09:34:38

I would tell her to go fuck herself.

Hope you're ok though, some nasty people around. thanks

RandomMess Sat 16-Nov-13 09:34:44

I'd consider texting back

"Perhaps you were so drunk you just said what you really think, I am incredibly hurt that anyone could write such a vile thing about my dd, I'm not sure I'll ever get over it tbh"

Then turn your phone off/block her number.

Any chance that she could be genuinely sorry and is just too embarrassed to confess totally to what a bitch she's been?

Helpyourself Sat 16-Nov-13 09:35:45

It's not just the one word. That was a really horrible sustained attack on your DD.
I'd detach massively- hide on fb and let her do the running. She needs to really earn your friendship back.
flowers

You are not throwing this away, she has done this by her own actions. "In vino veritas" and all that.

What does this woman have in common with you anyway; you seem to be two very different people now. School was probably the only thing that brought you together in the first place. You grew up, she has clearly not.

Drunk or not there is no justification to write such a thing and she is likely still hungover now.

Never ignore your own feelings, you feel she is apologising out of duty.
Your DD needs to be around people who also value her as a person and this woman clearly does not fit the bill. At 5 years of age as well your child is mature enough to properly realise that some friends are actually not friends at all and your child needs both decent and kind role models to emulate. This woman is neither and she is no friend really of yours. Also do you really need her in your life?. What does she bring to your existence?. She is no friend of yours if she can write such awfulness about your child. Honestly I would have no qualms at all in cutting her loose.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 16-Nov-13 09:36:32

Really out if order sad I'd keep my distance and let my feelings settle before u decided what I wanted to do. I think naturally your friendship will fizzle after this anyway. It will prob affect the way you think if her too much

I have a severely autistic son & to me that would be unforgivable. I think I'd just tell her I was very upset, that if she ever has children - especially one with disabilities - she will understand how out of order she was & then I would just avoid her. I'd hide her feed in Facebook (recognising that I might calm down sometime in the future), then avoid her. If she values your friendship then she will apologise big time. If she doesn't? Well your dd has just filtered out someone not worth having as a friend.

HyvaPaiva Sat 16-Nov-13 09:37:02

I would have to end that friendship. It is a truly disgusting way to think about a child and makes me very angry. And the 'drunk' excuse is false: she said it because she really thinks it. To me at least, it's unforgivable. I grew up with physical disabilities and my mum's friends were like a ring of steel around me: just support and encouragement and love. This person is the opposite of a friend to you and your DD.

You sound like a lovely, proud mum and your DD sounds so sweet and fun!

Pawprint Sat 16-Nov-13 09:38:22

I ended a friendship with a woman who described a SN child as a "mong".

I would end this friendship tbh.

KnockMeDown Sat 16-Nov-13 09:39:45

That is awful - being drunk is absolutely no excuse. In my experience and opinion, being drunk often brings out to the open what people think inside, but would not say sober. It removes inhibitions, it doesn't entirely change your thinking.

So time to move on, I would say. Maybe one day she will have kids of her own, and realise how out of line she was.

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Sat 16-Nov-13 09:40:46

Yep, that's what i thought to about the 'than usual' part. She's still grieving about losing her mum to heart disease four years ago, and seems to think she can just treat people like crap and not get pulled up for it. And so far that has been the case. But insulting my dd really is the last straw.

She knows my feelings about that word. We have differing opinions on it. It seemed like she was picking my dd apart in front of my other friends and family. I'm glad my poor parents didn't see it. That would have made me feel even worse!

I think temporarily blocking her number is a good idea. I'll not be able to think properly with her pestering me for days on end.

PurpleRayne Sat 16-Nov-13 09:40:46

Get. Rid.

HootShoot Sat 16-Nov-13 09:40:48

I agree with Colin, 'the usual' bit is so cruel, as is 'fly back to Mars,' it sounds like she thinks your dd is alien/odd. I couldn't be friends with someone after this. She really doesn't appreciate how badly she has behaved, if she did she wouldn't be sending stupids texts now, she would be begging for your forgiveness.

lizzypuffs Sat 16-Nov-13 09:42:11

There are no excuses for this. How hurtful. I'd stop seeing her because she's not a true friend.

HotCrossPun Sat 16-Nov-13 09:43:24

I remember you other thread about your friendship circle. She's not worth your time and effort. There is no way I could be friends with somebody who had ridiculed my child.

Horrible woman. As others have said if she ever has children she will have an awakening and hot flushes of shame and self loathing. She has betrayed yiu.
Not sure what the fox song is but ot sounds fun grin

moldingsunbeams Sat 16-Nov-13 09:44:31

Horrible, would not be impressed at all.

Block from fb and if you ever survive a zombie apocalypse with her chuck her to the walkers to save yourself and dd. Mn will be behind you

I'd tell her to fuck off. No way would she get forgiveness for that.

Mattissy Sat 16-Nov-13 09:49:12

I've done plenty of immature and drunk ramblings in my time, never once an attack on a child. It's no excuse for such vitriolic bile.

By texting you "helllooooooo" shows she's trying to be cute, that doesn't indicate genuine heartfelt apologies. Bitch!!

loveliesbleeding1 Sat 16-Nov-13 09:50:28

She sounds a very nasty piece of work, you must be furious with her, I am angry on your behalf.Not sure I could forgive in your shoes.I think blocking her number is a very sensible idea, it will give you a chance to sort out your feelings.

StillSeekingSpike Sat 16-Nov-13 09:50:50

Excuse me???!!! angry- what's with the 'When she has children she will suddenyl become all empathic and sensitive and realise a drunk tirade insulting someone with a disability is out of order'???

Surely ANYONE with children/without would realise that was an offensive vile way to talk about a child?

LoonvanBoon Sat 16-Nov-13 09:51:46

I couldn't be friends with someone like that, even if it hadn't been my child they'd been talking about. And it wouldn't matter how long the friendship had lasted - this is just vile, beyond the pale. Telling you that you are overreacting doesn't exactly indicate that she's genuinely sorry in any case.

Yep, I agree, horrible - poor you thanks.
I think your DD sounds lovely.

Apart from that one post what would really piss me off even more is the fact that she seems to be mortified at having revealed herself, rather than at what she said, if that makes any sense at all?? A non-apology: "I am sorry I upset you" rather than "I am sorry I am an insensitive twat". A subtle, but important difference.

And yes, being drunk is no valid excuse. She simply showed her true colours sad.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 16-Nov-13 09:52:34

Totally totally unforgivable. Is Not just the word - she could be educated about that. It's the attack on your child. Nobody needs to see that about their child or any other. I would be dropping her and telling her exactly why. If anyone else asked why we had fallen out of be telling them what she said. Being drink is no excuse she actually thought those things in order to write them down. Please don't let it put you off sharing your lovely daughter with your family and real friends.

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Sat 16-Nov-13 09:54:14

Hi Ewehave. You have to end this friendship How could you possibly stay friends with a women who has said such a horrible thing about your child. I know I couldn't. We all get drunk at times and it's allowed but that is still no excuse for her insensitivity.
Stealth. You haven't heard the fox song.
xxx

badgersoup Sat 16-Nov-13 09:54:19

You have to wonder, if she is saying that in public, what does she say about your DD in private? Not the sort of "friend" you need, get rid ASAP.

Youd think still, but apparently not! And if she doesnt get it now, when as you say the vast majoritg of the childless population would, then hopefully she will get it when she does have children

Figgygal Sat 16-Nov-13 09:55:39

She is a disgrace I would literally never speak to her again if she had done that to me do angry for you

flowery Sat 16-Nov-13 09:56:18

Being drunk removes inhibitions, it doesn't make you think things you don't already think. For example language and sentiments like that aren't in my vocabulary so wouldn't come out even if I was drunk.

For that reason I'd dump her.

lljkk Sat 16-Nov-13 09:56:31

The word retard in itself doesn't always bother me (different culture).
But using it like that is horrible; unforgivable.

I was called a retard by a "close" friend and was unbelievably upset. I have SN.

brew Tell her to get lost. How horrible!

Moxiegirl Sat 16-Nov-13 09:57:44

Are you the poster who posted about the meal venue change as your friend didn't want Italian 2 nights running?
Sorry if not!
Either way, this is unacceptable and I would never speak to her again. I have 2 teenagers with sn and would be livid.
Hope you're ok thanks

Back2Two Sat 16-Nov-13 09:58:40

And, she is not even mortified or truly sorry for it all.
She does sound really horrible.
I think your daughter deserves better.

carlywurly Sat 16-Nov-13 09:58:43

Yes. I would. That is just awful. I'm so sorry it happened to you. Ds has hfa and I cut out a "friend" for making digs about it. People like that are rotten and you don't need them in your life.

The rest of it I could get over but the 'than usual' part shows what she really thinks and you don't need somebody like that in your life nor does dd. Have nothing more to do with her.

Tobagostreet Sat 16-Nov-13 09:59:46

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you hmm.

thanks

I don't think the issue is with the words she used, but rather the sentiment behind them. You do not criticise your friend kids on FB. Ever.

She sounds vile.

No-one needs 'friends' this that.

bumbumsmummy Sat 16-Nov-13 10:00:52

I'd tell her to piss off literally its not just that she said it but she put it out there for all to see and it would eat away at me all the times she played with dd has she really been thinking she's R

Trust has gone so has the friendship a really friend would never post anything like that ever !

Bless your heart your friend is a bitch

Anniegetyourgun Sat 16-Nov-13 10:02:36

That apology was no apology at all. If she'd stuck at "She said she was very drunk and it was supposed to be a joke. She said that i should know how much she loves my dd" then you might, given time to cool down a bit, make allowances. But then she goes on the attack. You are said to be over-reacting (so how sorry does that sound?), and then there's the guilt trip about DD being heartbroken. It doesn't sound like DD really needs people like that in her life.

From your later post it seems your so-called friend has been getting away with far too much for far too long. Four years after her mother died she's still playing on it? How many other people do you know who have lost a parent? Do they all use it as an excuse to behave like dicks for ever after?

Ahole Sat 16-Nov-13 10:03:50

Its not just the word, its the whole nasty piss take of your little dd, who sounds fab by the way smile

FobblyWoof Sat 16-Nov-13 10:04:42

Horrible person. I'd drop her instantly. Yes you dd might be upset at the loss of friendship but imagine how upset she'd be if she'd heard what your friend had said.

Yes, this struck me too - playing the bereavement card 4 years after the loss of a parent seems a bit odd.
How old is your 'friend'??

She has an awful lot of growing up to do hmm

pumpkinkitty Sat 16-Nov-13 10:09:31

If she really loved your DD like she says a drunken comment on that should have been a slightly incoherent rambling about how adorable/cute it is and how lovely it is to see her enjoying herself etc etc.

The fact that she would use retard to describe anyone, even worse your DD, is shameful.

I would be tempted to tell her if she thinks you're over reacting she'd be more than comfortable making that comment to your DDs face (I'm not suggesting she does this at all, and I'm guessing she'll not want to either) that might make her see how horrid she was being!

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 16-Nov-13 10:10:09

I can't see how it would be possible to keep the friendship after this. I personally don't think I would be able to forget, it would always be there. sad

FCEK Sat 16-Nov-13 10:10:41

don't text her back again, ever.
defriend her on facebook (and block her).
Avoid social situations with her.
If you do see her, and/or she approaches you, tell her why you want nothing to do with her.

She's a horrible person angry

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Sat 16-Nov-13 10:11:09

Reading your comments has made me realise how right you all are. It's a struggle trying to keep in touch with them these days due to work, uni, dd etc, so I think i'm so scared of losing my friends that I'm willing to just put up with any old rubbish. But i really don't think i'll be able to speak to her again without bubbling with rage.

She's 25, so should have grown up long ago. I really do think school is the only thing we have in common nowadays. We are two very different people.

It feels like the end of an era. I'll probably have a little cry later then hopefully that's that...

How could anyone be so cruel? I'm growing more livid now rather than more sad. DD hasn't seen her for ages (months) but does talk about her a lot.

{hug}

Friendships do change over a lifetime and it sounds like this one has reached its expire date.
Have your wee cry, stay angry and move onwards and upwards.

Sammie101 Sat 16-Nov-13 10:13:37

I would definitely end any friendship, how dare she talk about your daughter like that?! Especially when she is (presumably) aware that your daughter has some difficulties with speech!

ExcuseTypos Sat 16-Nov-13 10:16:10

You will feel sad today but you should be glad you've found out sooner rather than later, what she's really like. She's shown her true colours and you don't need someone like that in your life.

Gruntfuttock Sat 16-Nov-13 10:16:59

I agree with the others. Cut her out of your life immediately, completely and permanently.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 16-Nov-13 10:20:09

Ha! By the sound of it then, you don't have to "stop them seeing each other" as she so emotively put it; you just don't have to make an extra efforts to enable them to see each other. I'm sorry DD has lost what appeared to be a fun friend but in genuine terms it will be no loss at all.

Wondering whether the others in your friendship group are worth still making the effort to see or if they are surgically attached to this ghastly woman.

WhoNickedMyName Sat 16-Nov-13 10:20:20

I automatically de-friend anyone on FB that uses the R word and tell them publicly, by posting on their wall, exactly why.

I'd struggle not to punch your 'friend' in the face next time I saw her tbh. Everything she said was vile, not just that particular word.

Hope you're ok x

SlatternismyMiddlename Sat 16-Nov-13 10:20:39

I am fairly easy going about most things , but I could not forgive or forget what she has said. It was truly awful.

Friendships move on because people change. I am no longer friends with any of my school best friends because we all went in different directions, but now have other fabulous friends I have met through work and through my DCs. Your life has moved on - move on without taking that nasty piece of work with you.

Fontofnowt Sat 16-Nov-13 10:20:55

Ewe, your ex friend is a massive cunt.
Your dd will face plenty enough cunts in life without having this one on tap.

I can offer my own HFA tic service to accidentally slap the turd on dd behalf.

LibraryBook Sat 16-Nov-13 10:23:33

I doubt she intended it cruelly. She's just immature and thoughtless. Try not to waste your energy feeling angry.

LinghamStyle Sat 16-Nov-13 10:24:25

Those are not the words/actions of a friend. Don't bother with her again.

Oh yes, and if/when you should ever see her again then you should kill her deid.

HellonHeels Sat 16-Nov-13 10:27:11

what way is there to intend that message if not cruelly?

it IS a cruel message.

I think she needs to be removed from your life OP to make room for better people.

shockers Sat 16-Nov-13 10:30:05

I've made a few amendments to her post.

Fucking hell. What was all that about? You sound even more retarded than usual LOL. Get this taken down before Facebook remove it for child abuse reasons haha. Check your wee brain out. You sound like you're going to get arrested for offensive drunken behaviour. Only kidding. But seriously have you been down the pub tonight? You sound pished and vile! haha!

Post that on her page and see how funny she thinks it is hmm.

saintmerryweather Sat 16-Nov-13 10:40:47

what a vile disgusting person she is. do you really need someone who thinks that about your precious daughter to be around her? id be tempted to tell her what a vile cunt she is before defriending her

AmberLeaf Sat 16-Nov-13 10:41:23

I too have a child with autism and I would be very upset at a comment like that. I would find that very hard to forgive.

I think that would end the friendship for me.

What a horrible situation for you. Such a betrayal.

You don't need a 'friend' like this.

bluebirdwsm Sat 16-Nov-13 10:42:40

That is one nasty person, and she has just shown what is in her mind, usually hidden but there all the same.

I ended a long friendship with someone who used to snipe at my DIL, called her a snob because she wanted to walk down a staircase in a big house when she got married! [And she did, good for her].

....And other pathetic remarks/digs at what my family were doing - BTW I did not give any opinions on her 2 [long suffering] children or what they were doing, none of my business.

She got pissy when I was left an inheritance, that was all childish.

Then when she heard her 3rd grandchild was on the way and it meant her 'shelling out' for yet another Christmas/birthday present each year - she spat out 'I wish the baby would die, I wish it was dead'.

I walked away. I suggest you do the same. That is not a friend, it is someone being false to your face, judging you and your daughter, and smirking when your back is turned.

TeaJunky Sat 16-Nov-13 10:45:01

What a bitch.

She isn't your friend, op.

ChasedByBees Sat 16-Nov-13 10:48:14

Absolutely disgusting. Just text her as tell her not to contact you again. What she said was unforgivable.

Meerka Sat 16-Nov-13 10:51:48

I'm with randommess and attilla. She said what she was really thinking and you're way better off without her.

She killed the friendship. don't see how you could ever forget what she's said or ever trust her again, now you know what she really thinks, even if you want to.

I'd say 'look, you said what you really thought. It really hurts. Sorry but I'd rather not be in contact".

Lweji Sat 16-Nov-13 10:56:17

Drunks don't become vile. Vile people reveal themselves when they are drunk.

Lose her.

gamerchick Sat 16-Nov-13 10:58:08

Cut off contact and don't speak to her again.. tell her to fuck off if you have too.

It's easier than you think once you do it.

Lweji Sat 16-Nov-13 11:01:15

I like shocker's idea, but people who read that and don't know what's about. So, unless you'd be up for explaining it all, I wouldn't. With sadness.

FamiliesShareGerms Sat 16-Nov-13 11:03:38

This must be awful for you, OP, but this woman really isn't your friend if she can say something like this about your daughter. Being drunk is not an excuse - as others have said, it just removes inhibitions rather than gives a whole new viewpoint.

Random's suggested text (post at 0934) looks spot on.

shockers Sat 16-Nov-13 11:07:17

Lweji, I didn't think that through... perhaps it would work as a private message.

5madthings Sat 16-Nov-13 11:11:13

jesus what a bitch. have nothing to do with her again. hell i am amazed at your restraint as i would have gone ballistic.

lougle Sat 16-Nov-13 11:13:41

I can't think of a single thing that would make that acceptable. Not one. Not even if her entire family were wiped out in a tragic accident the day before - it's entirely irrelevant.

I don't think you can possibly allow someone who views your DD in that way to have access to her.

She doesn't love your DD. No-one who love your DD could look beyond her enjoyment and instead highlight the things that make her life more difficult, ridiculing them.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 16-Nov-13 11:16:27

I wouldn't say "sorry but" at all - she's the one who should be fucking sorry, but she's not!

I'd want to say something on the lines of "I am shocked that you even thought such a thing about a child. You are not a good person to have in either her life or mine. Goodbye." But it's probably better just to block and ignore.

BlondieTinsellyMinx Sat 16-Nov-13 11:17:06

Just shock that a friend could write that. Glad other friends pulled her up on it.

As the comment was there all evening, your other mates will understand why you want nothing more to do with the malicious caaah.

Being drunk is no excuse for behaving so badly sad you really are better off NOT to sign up for anymore years with that woman now she's shown you what she's really like!

flowery Sat 16-Nov-13 11:21:08

Try to think of this as being positive if you can. You have now found out what this woman is really like, which is good because now you don't need to waste any more energy and headspace on her.

Far better to have fewer friends than to include people like this in your circle.

Pagwatch Sat 16-Nov-13 11:22:03

I don't like Shockers suggestion tbh.

The reason I hate retard is because it makes having SN an insult, as if to have autism or a learning difficult is the worst thing you can think to say about someone.
So to get your own back by calling her retarded is no better - it still makes a comparison with someone with SN a humiliating and mocking thing.

The retort is nearly as bad to me as the original comments!

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Sat 16-Nov-13 11:23:07

Oh god. Now i've received this: 'can't believe you're doing this to me. I thought you were a real friend who understood me. I've not been the same since my mum died. It makes turn to drink. I'm not myself with a drink in me. I'm sitting here in tears that you could be so nasty not letting me see dd again. Who knows what i'll do if that happens."

This will make me sound so nasty, but yes she does play this card every single time she does something bad! It makes people (normally me) forgive her without question.

And no, she will not self harm. She is and always has been an attention seeker.

Okay, number blocked. It's too hard being her friend, and i get nothing in return. I feel lighter already.

lougle Sat 16-Nov-13 11:23:11

I agree totally, Pag.

akawisey Sat 16-Nov-13 11:23:16

I'd bin if it were my child.

Putitonthelist Sat 16-Nov-13 11:30:08

Wow OP - she thinks you're being the nasty one?? Well she certainly isn't a 'real' friend. She sounds horrible. I would bin her without a second thought.

So sorry that you've had to go through this crap flowers

Meerka Sat 16-Nov-13 11:30:19

whew, ewe what a total bitch.

she thought you were a real friend? you are being nasty? She has never heard of mirrors?

grrrrrrr im angry on your behalf.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 16-Nov-13 11:31:25

Mm, no, it doesn't make you sound nasty. You've just realised you were being taken for a mug previously. Do you notice how it's still all about her?

tribpot Sat 16-Nov-13 11:31:40

- She wrote it when drunk.
- She isn't remotely sorry, really. Has told you're over-reacting and you know how much she loves your dd.
- She thinks she gets a free pass on hurting other people's feelings because she's mourning someone who died four years ago - someone who, I am quite sure, would have been mortified to read what her daughter had written.

I'm with tethers. Explain to her that you cannot have such a monumental cunt as a friend

The only good point (sort of) is that she's made herself look like a monumental cunt in front of everyone who saw the post on FB. If she'd just said it to you, you might struggle to get anyone to believe she was as vile as she was.

Block her number, block her on FB and block her in life.

tribpot Sat 16-Nov-13 11:33:28

Cross-posted with her latest text. What a load of self-centred, wallowing bullshit. You are well out of that, OP.

Pagwatch Sat 16-Nov-13 11:35:17

Yes, just block her. Don't get drawn in.
She is telling you very clearly who she is - selfish, attention seeking, self indulgent, lacking in empathy and really nasty when she thinks she can get away with it.

expatinscotland Sat 16-Nov-13 11:40:17

Oh, get rid! She sounds utterly vile.

waikikamookau Sat 16-Nov-13 11:41:49

just tell her you need space and dont accept any further contact.

5madthings Sat 16-Nov-13 11:43:02

god she just gets worse. tell het to fuck off and stop trying to emotionally blackmail.you.

she is pathetic and clearly a horrible person. block her and ignore.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams Sat 16-Nov-13 11:44:29

With that last message i'd respond: "no heartache on earth would make a nice person verbally insult a five year old girl. If drink makes you a bad person then stay off it. My DD is my world and I cannot expose her to nasty comments such as you made last night"

ginslinger Sat 16-Nov-13 11:46:05

I'm aghast frankly. The 'r' word is horrendous but her comment went way beyond that. Bin.

Sorelip Sat 16-Nov-13 11:49:41

What an amazing cunt she is. Every time I think I've got used to how shitty people can be, something manages to shock me. Either blank the fucker, or tell her in detail all the ways she is a shitty person.

Sorelip Sat 16-Nov-13 11:49:56

... and then blank her.

If she does anything (and I doubt she will) it will have nothing to do with you. You cannt have an ofensive drunkin dds life

wontletmesignin Sat 16-Nov-13 11:59:23

What an awful person! So sorry you had to read that OP. You are not over reacting in the slightest. She was our of order, and disgusting. Drunk or not - there was just no need for that.
If i was you - there would be no way possible for her to earn her back back to friendship.

wontletmesignin Sat 16-Nov-13 11:59:37

Way back - not back back

wontletmesignin Sat 16-Nov-13 12:00:37

I definitely wouldnt want her in my dds life!

working9while5 Sat 16-Nov-13 12:04:05

Cow!

Jarlin Sat 16-Nov-13 12:06:39

Delurking to express how horrified I am at your experience.
No true friend would write anything so disgusting - drunk or not.

I could never forgive her for her cruelty if she was my 'friend'

(Shakes head in disgust) angry

coppertop Sat 16-Nov-13 12:11:55

I would have no time or space in my life for any adult who is unable to take responsibility for their own actions. She chooses to drink. She chose to make those vile comments about your dd.

I would ignore her texts and leave her to wallow in self-pity.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 16-Nov-13 12:17:54

Just wondering actually, while her mother was still alive was she a thoughtful, kind, abstemious person? I bet she wasn't

RubyrooUK Sat 16-Nov-13 12:24:53

I simply cannot imagine any friend of mine doing this. No matter how drunk.

Personally I don't think she deserves your friendship. But if this was someone you genuinely liked until now and you think she is struggling in life because of grief and her drinking, I would write back:

"If your drinking is out of control because of your mum dying, please get help. I will support you. I am sure your mum would have hated to know that your drinking was so bad that you wrote vile comments about my daughter being a retard. That behaviour is totally unforgivable and cruel."

RubyrooUK Sat 16-Nov-13 12:25:55

And of course everyone else is right - you should probably just ignore her rather than engage......

Meerka Sat 16-Nov-13 12:29:47

Actually I think this ex - friend has behaved horribly. But I think she's got a lot worse problems coming her way if she drinks like this and can't genuinely see hte problem with her behaviour, plus excusing it on the basis of her mother's death 4 years ago.

I would still have nothing more to do with her at all, ever, but the woman's could end up in worse trouble than this from the pattern of her behaviour.

SlightlyDampWellies Sat 16-Nov-13 12:36:47

her fb post has made me speechless with rage. her wallowing pathetic victim self pity has filled me with contempt.

Get rid.

katatonic Sat 16-Nov-13 12:38:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curlew Sat 16-Nov-13 12:39:01

In answer to the original question, yes. And if she was a friend of mine I'd dumped her too, even if it wasn't my child she was talking about.

But you're not throwing away the friendship, she is.

CrockedPot Sat 16-Nov-13 12:39:26

Unbelievable! What a total, utter bitch. Pissed or not, that is inexcusable and I would be fucking LIVID...in fact, I am angry on your behalf. I would never, ever speak to her again.

I don't actually think you should just ignore her.

Why should she get off that lightly? Why allow her to continue her little pity party?

Tell her she's a fucking bitch and tell her why, in detail. Then ignore her!

SlightlyDampWellies Sat 16-Nov-13 12:40:12

Oh, and what coppertop said.

SoupDragon Sat 16-Nov-13 12:41:25

Even without the R word what she wrote is unforgivable IMO.
Especially after her follow up pity-fest post.

ZenOfPetals Sat 16-Nov-13 12:50:16

Your daughter's feelings are more important than this friendship. Who knows what nasty comments the "friend" might make in the future, possibly in the company of your DD?

JustAWaterForMePlease Sat 16-Nov-13 12:52:23

That last text is laughable - nothing about you or your feelings - it's all me, me, me. This is how I read that text:

"I know I've fucked up so I'm going to spectacularly turn this around to make you feel guilty and forgive and forget like you always do. This is all about me. It's not my fault you know - I'm still grieving. DIDN'T YOU KNOW MY MUM DIED? It's not my fault. It woz the drink wot made me do it. You've made me cry, I'm upset, as if it wasn't bad enough already that my mum died. This is all your fault - I can't believe you've made me so upset me! I'd better mention dd to make it look like I care about her but really it's still all about ME. Now how to end? Oh yes - vague threats of something awful. Job done!"

Cut all contact, have a little cry for the friendship you thought you had, and go and do something lovely with your wonderful dd. Try not to dwell on it... it doesn't sound like she's much of a friend anyway. "But i text her every few days, and call 1-2 times a week for a chat"... "She hasn't seen DD for ages." I promise, your life will be better without her in it.

perfectstorm Sat 16-Nov-13 12:52:36

What she wrote would be enough to lose her even if it were about someone else's child, tbh. Seriously, I'd bin someone who did that from my own f'list. And her horrifying attempt to guilt-trip you for calling her on it, by telling you your feelings about her bad behaviour make you a nasty person and a bad friend? Bloody hell, words fail me.

She sounds toxic. Thank God she hasn't got kids and I sincerely hope she has some sort of personality transplant if she ever does.

Not your problem. Thankfully. Enjoy your lovely dd, and friends who actually deserve the label.

chalkythecat Sat 16-Nov-13 12:58:16

How upsetting. I think that would be the end of our friendship. No discussion.

People tell you who they are. Drunk or not.

Your DD sounds delightful and deserves better than that.

Idespair Sat 16-Nov-13 13:00:22

She loves your dd and you. She fucked up. I'd give her another chance.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 16-Nov-13 13:08:48

Well done op. Stay strong don't go back on it no matter what emotional blackmail she lays on you.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sat 16-Nov-13 13:12:11

What and bitch, and what an even bigger bitch for using her dead mum as an excuse to be a bitch.

We've all lost a love one at some point, how many of us use it as an excuse to be an arsehole,

Your better off without that toxic, narcissistic, cowbag in your and DD's life.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sat 16-Nov-13 13:13:17

Idespair You would really forgive some making such vile comments about a child, she didnt fuck up, she showed her true colours.

SlightlyDampWellies Sat 16-Nov-13 13:13:33

idespair, no-one, but no-one who loves someone else behaves in that way.

LovesBeingHereAgain Sat 16-Nov-13 13:23:16

shock

Well done for blocking her - v restraint and dignified smile

I agree with whoever said upthread 'being drunk does not make people vile.' You have to be vile first to then become viler when you are disinhibited by drink.

She did not 'fuck up'; she showed her true colours.

IF the loss of her mother still affects her this much (and how does losing a loved one make you be horrible about a child??), then she needs some help. It's not a 'get out of jail free' card for horrible behaviour.

oldgrandmama Sat 16-Nov-13 13:38:55

that's absolutely horrible - I'd never want to have ANYTHING to do with that 'friend' again. And by the way, your little girl sounds sweet.

youarewinning Sat 16-Nov-13 13:39:48

It's proven fact that alcohol cannot and does not make you say/ do things you wouldn't do/say sober - just takes away the self control that stops you.

I agree with others - she has ruined the friendship, not you.

I suspect others have called her on her actions and she does feel guilty - but I'd find it hard to be friends with someone who thought these things about my child with SN, let alone said them. Even worse posting them publically.

Did she contact you to apologise or apologise after you contacted her to ask her WTF?

PS. Your DD sounds adorable smile

Straitjacket Sat 16-Nov-13 13:53:48

Wow, I can't believe she is twisting this around onto you! I buried my dad and it seriously affected me to the point I hit the bottle, but never ever once did I verbally insult, or even think horrible things about a child. That is just unforgivable.

You have done the right thing OP.

SkyBlueSky Sat 16-Nov-13 13:56:21

I know a fair few toxic drinkers, and I actually do believe that alcohol can raise aggression levels, heighten depression, so can change people. IMHO she sounds jealous of you. Not an excuse, I would still cut her out. Life is hard enough without friends like her. The potential future hurt to your dd is too great a risk. She has crossed a line now.

bestsonever Sat 16-Nov-13 13:59:05

You just realised what an emotional blood-sucker your friend generally was. Bit of a risk perhaps to put it on facebook as not all your 'friends' may know what your DD deals with and people can come up with total crap on there. However, surprising in the end that it was someone who knows you both well who showed their true colours.
Hard though this experience will have been to go through, take positives in that it showed starkly to you that she was not a worthy friend after all.

Rockinhippy Sat 16-Nov-13 14:05:54

Vile, YADNBU

you most definitely are not over reacting & until she can see that, have very strong words with herself & grovel with complete humility over what she has done - then it is your friend who has thrown the friendship away - not you

good luck OP, so sorry you have gone through this flowers

Theimpossiblegirl Sat 16-Nov-13 14:15:28

Sending you a big hug, the loss of a friendship is never easy and this has been truly unpleasant. You are right, you can't have her in your life or your daughter's. Things like that can never be unsaid and as people have said, being drunk is no excuse.

I'm actually glad some of your other friends saw it and commented. This shows you have got some real friends that care about you and your DD. Focus your time on them and ditch this bitch.

Lizzabadger Sat 16-Nov-13 14:46:33

Very nasty. End the friendship. Don't discuss.

Sorry she turned out to be such a cunt.

Doinksie Sat 16-Nov-13 14:49:43

Sending huge hugs, I have 2 boys on the spectrum, one hfa, the other not, he has a learning disability and is in a SN school.

I am gutted for you, because there's no excuse, you cannot justify saying that about any child. As theimpossible said, that is one of those things can never be unsaid, and I'm not sure I would ever be able to forgive nor forget what had been said.

Catchhimatwhat Sat 16-Nov-13 14:53:50

Please PM me her name so that if I ever come across her I can give her a huge slap.
You don't need her in your life.

morethanpotatoprints Sat 16-Nov-13 15:01:37

I'm really sorry for you and your dd. You can't continue a friendship with this person, she can't even apologise properly and that's probably because she doesn't think she has done anything wrong.
Maybe you and your dd will miss the friendship you once had with this person, but how can you get over such comments.
What does she mean by you over reacted? There seems nothing like you reacting at all yet in your OP.
This woman is vile and I think its a friendship that has reached its end tbh.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 16-Nov-13 15:07:04

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who could say that about a video of a child they didn't know singing a song.

If someone who knew my child said that about them I would be terribly upset. It's just such a horrible thing to say.

I don't really see how you could continue to be friends with her now.

Ahole Sat 16-Nov-13 15:30:46

I would see this as lucky escape from a horrible person and a friendship with that nasty self absorbed person that could have lasted for many more years. I understand you not wanting to lose friendship with someone you've known so long but sometimes it really is for the best.

You'll make other friends. Perhaps use this as a chance to make more effort with that.

I recently chucked an old friend. She did something horrible and although i let it go at the time i never forgave her.

Trooperslane Sat 16-Nov-13 15:35:05

I'm so sorry. I'm sure your wee one is lovely. I'd do as prev poster said and sleep on it. Not sure if I'd forgive and I certainly wouldn't forget x

gamerchick Sat 16-Nov-13 15:40:24

No it sounds like she needs to be called on her behaviour. A ' If drink turns you into a cunt then maybe you need to address that but stay the hell away from me in the meantime.'

or just ignore her totally now.. how she hasn't had her spine ripped out is beyond me if that's the way she behaves.

Wuldric Sat 16-Nov-13 15:43:34

I'd cut her off, and I am the last person to cut anyone off. Just get rid. You don't need this and more importantly your DD doesn't need this.

Floggingmolly Sat 16-Nov-13 15:46:36

Yes. Absolutely. You don't need a bitch like that in your life (or your daughter's)

GreenShadow Sat 16-Nov-13 15:57:04

Unlike most of you, this wouldn't bother me unduly.
I tend to shrug off things like that and come out of it feeling I have the upper hand as your friend will feel embarrassed when she next meets you.

But then I'm a thick skinned bastard with little feeling, who tends to go by the 'sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt me' motto, so you might as well ignore me.

Shoutymomma Sat 16-Nov-13 16:04:06

It's a shame you deleted her post. A post like that should be shared as far and wide as possible, so that everybody knows what a nasty little turd this 'friend' of yours is. Anyway, print this thread off and pop it in a Xmas card for her, with the message "Hoping you get everything you deserve this Xmas".

Pippilangstrompe Sat 16-Nov-13 16:20:10

I think her comment on fb was nasty and inappropriate, but if she had been sorry about it the next day and appalled at her own behaviour, then I'd probably let it go. The text she sent you would however have been the last straw for me. I wouldn't bother with her again.

herethereandeverywhere Sat 16-Nov-13 16:29:21

Wow, what a nasty piece of work. Those comments really upset me, heaven knows what they did to you OP.

If I was you I wouldn't want to associate with someone who had been so cruel about my daughter (who sounds lovely btw).

I could never forgive anyone who insulted my child in such a cruel and public way. She mocked a five year old. Who the hell does that? There's no excuse or mitigation.

I would be polite, civil but distant.

She understands nothing about motherhood if she thinks your loyalty to her comes before your loyalty to your DD.

I'm struggling to deal with a friend who unnecessarily told off my DD and frightened her. So no, you're absolutely right to cut this person from your life.

If she makes a genuine apology then maybe you can move on. But she'd have to show a considerable change in behaviour.

Gutted123 Sat 16-Nov-13 17:28:15

I've been falling down drunk many many times but at no time have I ever been drunk enough to even think something like that, never mind write it, never mind write it IN PUBLIC.

Admittedly I'm a happy and affectionate drunk who would be more likely to write "Aww bless her she's so gorgeous I love her so much xxxxxxxxx".

This woman is a bitch and if she'd written this about my Aspie son I'd never, ever speak to her again.

I would be RAGING and what's more I'd make it my mission to make as many people aware of her bitchery as possible.

fifi669 Sat 16-Nov-13 17:48:51

I'd forgive but not forget I think. I wouldn't have a showdown or anything but I'd create a bit of distance certainly.

Coconutty Sat 16-Nov-13 17:54:13

Yeah, that would be the end of our relationship.

AbiRoad Sat 16-Nov-13 17:57:41

I think I would tell her that she has gone too far and needs to sort out her issues, but in a way that leaves the door open if she does sort herself out

I would not for a moment leave any door open or even consider being on friendly terms with this person ever again.

What she wrote is disgusting and the self-pity text makes me want to vomit.

The only question for me would be whether to ignore or tell her what a total fucking cunt she is. I would probably go for ignore, as cunts like her thrive on attention and drama.

(Btw my 3-year-old daughter also loves the fox song and does the hand flapping thing! She doesn't have any SN. I think it looks very sweet when kids do it.)

LidlAngel Sat 16-Nov-13 18:16:17

I would throw away her "friendship" in a heartbeat. She is no friend of yours OP, and needs to grow up and fuck the fuck off out of your life.

Branleuse Sat 16-Nov-13 18:47:42

shes a cunt and im so sad/furious on your behalf

HumOlive Sat 16-Nov-13 18:49:08

Nope. No excuse. Vile comments. Absolutely unforgivable.
For me there'd be no way back from this.

ouryve Sat 16-Nov-13 18:50:52

I bloody well would. The alcohol is no excuse - it's revealed her for the immature twat she is.

ouryve Sat 16-Nov-13 18:52:33

Do you have children with disabilities, Greenshadow?hmm

She may be a sad and pathetic drunk, but she ridiculed your daughter in a nasty way online. There is no excuse.

Instead of being mortified at what she has said, she is turning it around on you.

Can you imagine if your daughter was 14, and you, or her posted a silly video and your friend posted in this manner and your dd could see it?

You are doing the right thing, blocking her from your life.

TawdryTatou Sat 16-Nov-13 18:55:07

I've never hit anyone in my life, but yes, I'd be ending this friendship, right after I'd smacked the bitch in the mouth.

How dare she make it all about her? That is so horrible. She has shown her true colours and you are absolutely right to stand firm and protect your DD. Fuck your ex-'friend'.

AnyFuckersfrogslegs35 Sat 16-Nov-13 19:04:00

Well done for getting rid of her.
regardless of whether she was pissed, her mums recent death blah blah fecking blah - she called your child a retard shock she doesn't deserve your forgiveness nor your respect.
Actually for me - anyone who uses that word, no matter who/what it's aimed at deserves zero respect.

ccsays Sat 16-Nov-13 19:10:30

Sooooo she phoned you to tell you you were overreacting? Sounds like a pretty shitty, non apology to me.
If she'd phoned to say how sorry she was and that she hoped you would be able to forgive her, fair enough (I'd still cut her out though). But saying you should know how much she loves your DD and that you're overreacting? I doubt she'd have apologised at all if other people hadn't called her out on it.

She sounds like an arsehole.

ccsays Sat 16-Nov-13 19:16:29

Oops, should've read the whole thread blush FFS, what an awful woman! Well done for cutting her out.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sat 16-Nov-13 19:17:00

Its the "Sounds more retarded than usual" gets me, suggests that she obviously in some part of her mind things OP's DD is "Retarded"

QueenofallIsee Sat 16-Nov-13 19:18:01

Good God. am speechless at the audacity and ignorance of the woman. jog her on and waste no time on her

HumOlive Sat 16-Nov-13 19:22:21

OP, no one on this thread (with the exemption if one poster) thinks you are overreacting.

I feel hurt, upset and angry on your behalf for your little girl.

I also have a child with SN but FFS, her comments were unbelievably cruel and ignorant.

She's your friend? What does she say about people she likes?

Drink is no excuse at all. People say what they think without the usual social filter when pissed.

cantheyseeme Sat 16-Nov-13 19:23:22

It takes a lot to really offend me but i would never speak to anyone who said that, especially on a forum where other people could see it. What a nasty cow, you dont need 'friends' like that.

AngiBolen Sat 16-Nov-13 19:23:47

Wow. I woulnd't want this person near my child ever again. sad

And the fact that she's now making herself out to be victimised, would mean I wouldn't much want her near me again.

She's shown her true colours.

hollowhallows Sat 16-Nov-13 19:26:00

That is vile, chuck her.

LedaOfSparta Sat 16-Nov-13 19:31:07

utterly utterly vile. This woman isn't a friend of yours, I'd ditch her PDQ.

MyMILisfromHELL Sat 16-Nov-13 19:32:08

Your 'friend' sounds like a total bitch to be perfectly honest. Even your fb friends were shocked. Ditch her.

bundaberg Sat 16-Nov-13 19:34:31

good grief!

you are totally right cutting her out of your, and your dd's, life.

what nasty things to say.

I have a son (poss 2) with autism and this would actually have made me cry, and I would have no hesitation in defriending on FB and cutting her out

Doyouthinktheysaurus Sat 16-Nov-13 19:39:41

OMg that is a heartbreakingly cruel commentsad

The whole thing is vile, how could anyone come out t such vitriol against a child!

You are better off without her opthanks

Corygal Sat 16-Nov-13 19:45:28

Blimey, the friend's comeback makes her sound even more of a charmer. I'm not usually an auto-LTB, but I would bin this lady.

legoplayingmumsunite Sat 16-Nov-13 19:51:17

She can fuck off with her 'I'm grieving for my mother' excuse. My friend lost her father as a teenager, she was never a bitch. In fact she wrote me the loveliest card when Dad died. My Dad died 3 years ago, I have never felt the need to use it to be a bitch. It is absolutely no bloody excuse whatsoever.

And yes, if this is the same friend who made all the fuss about the meal out changes then definitely it's time to lose contact. She has been a friend for a season and now it's time to move on without vitriol from you. Don't explain, don't engage, just stop being available. Maybe one day she will grow up and you will be able to be friends again.

nobeer Sat 16-Nov-13 19:52:42

I got horribly drunk on many an occasion after my dad died, and I'm quite sure I behaved awfully. But I never ever was abusive about any of my friends' children. And if I had I would quite expect not to be part of their lives.

monkeynuts123 Sat 16-Nov-13 20:03:27

Get this woman out of your life. Utter bitch. I'm sorry she hurt your feelings like that.

LegoAcupuncture Sat 16-Nov-13 20:12:33

I have a son with autism. If one of my friends said that about him I would never speak to them again.

I'm glad you've listened to the very good advice on this thread op. You and your dd deserve friends who respect you not mock you for all and sundry to see.

Clutterbugsmum Sat 16-Nov-13 20:16:50

Drop her.

It's not relevent the fact her mum died 4yrs ago. It does not suddenly make her a bitch. That's her true character. Tell her to go to see a councelling rather then a pub.

FWIW my dad died 4, nearly 5 yrs ago, 8 weeks before I my son. 6 weeks after I had my grandad died who I was very close too. Not become a bitch in the last 4/5 yrs.

Clutterbugsmum Sat 16-Nov-13 20:18:04

4, nearly 5 yrs ago, 8 weeks before I had my son

iwantanafternoonnap Sat 16-Nov-13 20:18:09

Wow just Wow. How can anybody write that stuff let alone someone who is supposed to be your friend and love your daughter. Now I'm a arse when really drunk but no way would I write that about someone.

She's a bitch and binding behind the fact her mother died. You most certainly are BU to get rid of her!

GiraffesAndButterflies Sat 16-Nov-13 20:23:19

If she'd really only posted that because of being drunk (hmm, but let's suppose), she should now be crawling, dragging her face along the floor to your feet and begging your forgiveness.

But instead, she's outraged that you are offended.

hmm angry

I'm with everyone else. Dropkick her as fast and as far as you can.

Agree with everyone else. Drop her. She is not your friend. And her 'apology' is shallow, selfserving and doubles her offence.

It's up to you how you communicate that to her. You can choose silence (probably best), or post on her wall (what I'd want to do) 'What you said about DD was unforgivable. She is a beautiful child who reflects the joy in her life. You called her a ****, implied she was an alien, and said I was guilty of child abuse. Your 'apology' was nothing of the sort. The death of your mother four years ago does not give you carte blanche to treat people as you have treated DD. You recognise you have a problem with alcohol. I suggest that instead of attacking my DD, you seek help. And please stop sending me passive aggressive messages blaming me for your words, and offering vague threats. It helps no one, and upsets me further after what you said about DD.' You could also post what she wrote about DD, just so people see that you are not overreacting.

But of course that could open a whole other can of worms. So dignified silence is probably best. And block her so you don't see the 'Thought ppl were my friends. Turns out they don't care abt me' 'u ok hun x' exchanges that will undoubtedly take place.

ilovebowie Sat 16-Nov-13 21:12:40

What a bitch!!

Not sure I could forgive that.

KnitFastDieWarm Sat 16-Nov-13 23:40:11

1) your dd sounds utterly adorable smile I can't imagine seeing a video of a wee girl singing away and thinking anything but 'aw, bless her'...let alone writing something so nasty!
2) your 'friend' sounds like a waste of space. get rid.

Katiejon Sun 17-Nov-13 05:19:13

Disgusting.
I could never be friends again.

sparklysilversequins Sun 17-Nov-13 05:27:44

Yes without question. I would never speak to her or acknowledge her again.

I have two dc with ASD. I feel so bad for you sad.

UtterMess Sun 17-Nov-13 08:12:42

Well done, you are well shot of her. She's obviously a nasty piece of work. I imagine she'll be getting a frosty reception from sone of your other mates as well seeing as she did this very publicly.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 17-Nov-13 08:15:00

She is immature and with people like her, it is only when people like you give her the 'shock' of getting her out of your life that she is likely to grow up, give her moral compass a god tap on the glass and behave in a more respectful manner! I wouldn't consider keeping in contact with someone like her. She's lucky she still has teeth!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 17-Nov-13 08:19:54

And...another thing....as a previous reply said. You are not throwing away the friendship. She has done this! I am a very laid back person but there are some things that really push my buttons and that would be one of them I'm afraid - ghastly bitch!

changeforthebetter Sun 17-Nov-13 08:31:15

Wow! Just wow!

I think that's a "friend" you can lose.

Your DD sounds cute and was having fun - what sort of prick makes fun of a little girl? angry

brewthanksbrewthanksbrewthanksbrewthanksbrewthanks

YukonHo Sun 17-Nov-13 08:40:44

She sounds awful, manipulative and utterly egocentric. I think you'll be we'll rid of her. No one should make comments like that, drunk or not. You should direct her to this thread, then she might understand how disgusting her behaviour is. Ignore her text, tell her that it is her behaviour that has caused this, not yours and that you won't be contacting her again, ever.

Your dd sounds gorgeous btw.

bouncysmiley Sun 17-Nov-13 08:43:07

Defriending someone is a serious business, I have only done it once and it was quite traumatic. I don't regret it for a minute though. It was the right thing to do. If you think your friendship is really worth saving and you are both prepared to put in the legwork then talk it through. Sometimes events like this just clarify what really matters. Only you know the answer.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sun 17-Nov-13 08:52:14

She is responsible for her own happiness. You do what is best for you and your DD. Your "friend" will need to be an adult and take care of her own issues.

AliceinWinterWonderland Sun 17-Nov-13 08:53:34

FWIW, I defriended someone on FB (family member) that trashed my DD unmercifully. I don't regret it at all. It's such a relief not to have to worry what she's going to put next.

RevelsRoulette Sun 17-Nov-13 08:58:42

She is vile and she is manipulative. She's got a nerve playing the victim. Yes. She'd be out of my life the second she sneered at my child.

re drink - alcohol does not change who you are. I get so tired of people blaming saying vile things on alcohol. It lowers inhibitions. That's what it does.

I promise you that everything she said while drunk is what she means.

mrsspagbol Sun 17-Nov-13 09:01:19

Please please please block this person, remove her from your life.

Her original post showed she is a class A bitch who has been mocking or thinking mocking thoughts about your DD all along.

Her latest text shows she is immature, self absorbed, not genuinely sorry, manipulative, immature and delusional.

Please do NOT engage. Please!

tell her to fuck off, block her and give your precious girl a huge cuddle and don't dwell on this horrible, horrible woman for a second longer.

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Sun 17-Nov-13 09:27:56

Oh thank you all. smile

She came to my door last night, still drunk it seemed. I refused to let her in so she ended up yelling at me on the doorstep. I couldn't really think of anything to say. My mind just went blank. She had tears in her eyes and was saying that i'm being spiteful and 'up myself'. Then dd came out to see what was going on. My 'friend' tried to peer over my shoulder and started calling for dd. Of course then dd started trying to get to 'friend'. It was a bit mad for a moment. I just told dd to go up and fetch her PJs and she could see X another time.

This made X furious. She burst into tears and kept asking if she can just come in for a minute. She did apologise once or twice for upsetting me with her Fb comment, but kept insisting it was just a joke, and not worth all this upset.

I refused to let her in. I told her that i don't think disabilism is a joke. That i don't think her being drunk is an excuse, and that i'd be a bad mother for letting someone so ridiculous around my daughter. Then i shut the door! My heart was bouncing.

She didn't go away for ages. Well, 5 minutes. But it felt like ages. She just kept battering the door until one of my neighbours came out and asked her to be quiet. Then she went away.

I feel so guilty (and a bit scared she might have done something stupid last night in the way of getting very drunk again), but i also feel hugely relieved. I said my piece and she's gone. She really did require too much of my patience and effort, and i never get anything in return. It's always been that way since we were 13.

Anyway, i'm just trying to call some of our other friends to make sure they've heard from X and she's safe, then that's me. My hands are washed of her.

I'm a bit worried this is just the beginning of the end though. If i lose one friend, i think the rest will soon fall like flies too. But time will tell i suppose.

Anyway, thanks for all your messages. Doubt i'd have been so brave without them!

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sun 17-Nov-13 09:30:23

Oh you poor thing what an experience! You dealt with her admirably and the relief you feel suggests that she's been a drain on you for a long time.
Have a lovely day with dd today.

Aren't these the friends with the dinner arrangements? Let me guess; she's the one who didn't fancy Chinese?

Or Italian wasn't it?!

SlightlyDampWellies Sun 17-Nov-13 09:31:32

Every interaction she has she is revealing more of her true self, and it aint pretty.

Stay strong. She is an emotional vampire. When people leave you exhausted after being with them, then they are sucking the life from you.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 17-Nov-13 09:33:26

Wow! Well done smile.

You may well lose other friends along the way but...tbh, what kind of 'friend' would drop you because you stuck up for your dd against a nasty, drunken, very public attack by this woman? Not one worth having, that's for sure!!

Wow!

You did so well to make it clear her words have consequences and what she wrote was no joke.

tribpot Sun 17-Nov-13 10:08:27

Wow. She really is a piece of work. Turning up drunk in front of your dd to 'apologise' for hateful remarks made about your dd whilst drunk ... yeah, that's really going to show how contrite she is.

I suspect she is more upset that you aren't falling into line like you usually do, than about having actually offended you. If your other friends stick by her, they'll be next. Their choice.

Well done you! smile

I am sure that must have been deeply unpleasant, but it had to be done. And you did it <pat on back>

With every post you write it sounds like you grew up and she didn't.
Yes, you have lost her as a 'friend' and over time you may lose other friends, but you'll also make new ones AND you'll end up knowing who your true friends are.

Wishing you and your DD a peaceful and happy Sunday x.

bluebirdwsm Sun 17-Nov-13 10:15:55

Very well done ewe for standing up to this horrible woman, and protested your DD from her bitter thoughts and manipulation.

She's made her choice, alcohol is the friend of her choice.

Wanting to see your DD whilst drunk [again!] is appalling.

bluebirdwsm Sun 17-Nov-13 10:17:25

...protected...

Meerka Sun 17-Nov-13 10:17:54

she's a piece of work isnt she?

I hope that things work out with your other friends - at least they'll have seen the original horrible comments on FB and so know what it's all about.

But you are well rid. I second pacific, hoping you and your DD have a peaceful and happy Sunday

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Sun 17-Nov-13 10:21:26

Well done OP. She sounds toxic. She will very likely now go to mutual friend and ask for their support. Because they know that you are the more reasonable and less aggressive person, they may approach you and ask you to forgive her. You should stand your ground. You did exactly the right thing and she does not deserve your friendship.

youarewinning Sun 17-Nov-13 10:24:18

Well done. You say your worried about losing other friends? Sounds like your friends made it clear her comments were out of line on FB. I would bet the reason she's hell bent on staying friends with you is that others have made it clear she's been no friend (maybe even befriended her) and if she shows your OK with her, the others will forgive her too.

Branleuse Sun 17-Nov-13 10:33:06

well done x

That sounds horrible but you have said your piece so lets hope she just crawls back under her stone and leaves you alone. She wasn't that drunk - she was still capable of typing and leaving a message. She knew exactly what she is doing. And still playing on losing her mother 4 yrs after her death? I know losing your mother is a massive thing and she must have been very young when it happened but 4 yrs is a long time and it sounds like she needs professional help to get over it, not just allow it to take over her life and use it be a massive bitch. I am sure her mother wouldn't have wanted that.

You say you are working and at uni - if you do lose more friends, it is probably time to leave school friends behind and get yourself some new friends who are part of the new stage in your life. If nobody else can see what a massive insensitive bitch your ex friend is being then they probably aren't worth hanging on to either. It could be tough but you don't need them. They sound like hard work and you have enough going on.

Lizzabadger Sun 17-Nov-13 10:55:48

Call the police if she comes and makes a scene like that again.

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 11:02:09

Making a mistake with her original comment is one thing, the clear decider in asking whether you've done the right thing came in how she handled that mistake. Even if you could have forgiven the mistake, it's the manipulation of her to try to make you think you are wrong to be upset that makes me think she's not worth the upset.

If she could finally see the error of both and be contrite you could review it if you thought you could forgive but this doesn't sound like a person who enriches your life and is with the effort.

Joysmum Sun 17-Nov-13 11:02:28

*with = worth

Mintyy Sun 17-Nov-13 11:10:46

What a terrible evening you have had! I am so sorry flowers.

I would not blame you at all for never having anything to do with her again, but if you felt like it in a day or two you could send her a card saying that perhaps she should regard what she did as her "rock bottom" and seek outside help for her alcoholism.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sun 17-Nov-13 11:12:15

I'd get your other friends to encourage her to seek help, she clearly needs it.

RaspberryRuffle Sun 17-Nov-13 11:37:12

Well done ewe ;-)
It must have been so hard but you've said your piece.
On the friends issue, it sounds like your friendship group is based on 'time known each other' but as you get older that doesn't count for much when your personalities are very different. If the other girls in the group stick with her it just means that they're very silly indeed immature and not worth your time either.

It can be scary to find yourself 'friendless' but it's a chance to move on and make some new friends, through uni or work, or activities related to DD. They don't have to be your age group, just have something in common with, and it takes time but will be worth it.

Think of it a bit like if you're going out with a twatty prtner, you're missing out on meeting Mr Right. Well, if you're hanging out with twatty friends, you're missing out on making some truly like minded people. (And by spending time with twatty friends they think that their behaviour is okay, but that won't be your problem any more).

Go and have fun with DD today and be proud of yourself thanks

RaspberryRuffle Sun 17-Nov-13 11:38:37

oops - making friends with some truly like minded people, though obvioulsy it would be quite handy to be able to just 'make' thse people.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 17-Nov-13 12:46:13

Oh god. How horrible and weird and disturbing - she's hugely toxic. Kudos to you for remaining so calm and restrained.

Hopefully you won't lose any of your proper friends over this - could you email them a link to this thread if it looks like any of them are being spun a story by her?

Theimpossiblegirl Sun 17-Nov-13 12:47:17

Op, well done for standing up to her. I'm sure your other friends will stick by you but if for any reason they don't, there are so many people on this thread alone that seem to be much more the type of friend you need. Maybe you could get yourself onto your local board and join in with some of the meet-ups from there.

Well done.

Dont worry too much if they fall away like flies. They are no loss.

Focus on new friends, preferably with kids!

Blu Sun 17-Nov-13 12:59:27

so sorry you have had all this upset, Ewe.

but people like her d real damage, actually, making 'jokes' about people they don't know. How on earth she thinks you could ever trust her again when she was so horrible about your dd, and on youe own FB page, I don't know.

Hold your head up high with your other friends. Did they see what she wrote? She will doubtless spin them a total soap opera (a la her doorstep performance) but let them know how unacceptable she was, and if anyone tries to excuse her 'because she hasn't felt the same since her Mum died' explain calmly that you haven't felt the same about making horrible jokes and using horrible language since you had a beautiful dd with autism. If they don't get it, you can't trust them, either.

On the other hand they may well realise.

Good luck, and I hope you get some opportunities to make some more mature, thoughtful, caring friends.

Pawprint Sun 17-Nov-13 13:06:18

Well done, Ewe. It is hard to drop a friend but this woman doesn't sound like she has much in common with you.

The 'R' word is particularly offensive - perhaps because, so often, it is used casually. The fact that she was talking about your daughter just makes it totally disgusting.

It sounds like this person has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and it is hard to be friends who behaves so badly when drunk.

Pippilangstrompe Sun 17-Nov-13 13:09:52

It sounds like she has problems. But I absolutely don't think it is your responsibility to help her with them. You are doing the right thing by shutting down communication. Maybe this will be the shock she needs to get help?

perfectstorm Sun 17-Nov-13 13:10:31

Making a mistake with her original comment is one thing, the clear decider in asking whether you've done the right thing came in how she handled that mistake.

This - so much this.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Sun 17-Nov-13 19:23:20

Another thing that occurred to me - sorry if it's been said. I think the real reason she's been effectively stalking you since, and pulling out all the stops to win you back, is because she's realised she stands to lose quite a few friends over this thing; not just you.

From what you say, it sounds like your other friends rallied round you and were none too impressed by her twattishness. I think she might be thinking that if she can parade you around on her arm again ("See! Ewe knew it was only a joke!") then she'll be OK. I think she's shitting herself. Good!

Gingerbreadbaker Sun 17-Nov-13 19:52:59

I hate the excuse "It was JUST a joke" - I have heard it used recently to defend a remark about rape. What I said then and now is that I can't think of any situation where raping someone could be funny. I feel the same about this. What exactly is FUNNY about any of her remarks? I agree with the poster who said that she was immature, but I also feel it betrays a real lack of empathy that age will not improve. I know it's painful to let go of old friends, but really a clean cut will be better than eventually semi forgiving her and spending the next 10 years not really trusting anything she says about your daughter.

HumOlive Sun 17-Nov-13 20:33:03

Ewe, there was nothing remotely humorous or jokey about her comments.
In the sober light of day she knows she's blown it. Tough shit on her part.
She is no loss to you.
Proud of how you've handled it. smile

Dirtypaws Sun 17-Nov-13 20:51:43

Please believe that as you get older, you will make friends more in keeping with you! I found that the friends I had, and made, when I was younger, were inappropriate. I still feel guilty for dropping some but it needed to be done. In the last ten/15 years, I have only made a hand full of friends but these friends are honest and sincere. I cherish these friends because we have chosen each other, not been thrown together before we know who we really are.

You sound like a lovely person, and as you grow, you will attract lovely people ( not toxic people). Go out and enjoy life and find some equally worthy friends!

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Mon 18-Nov-13 06:31:13

If she was so drunk she couldn't think, how come she could type?

shockers Mon 18-Nov-13 06:36:59

Apologies Pagwatch. I amended the original piece of writing in an attempt to show how shocking it was, I would never, ever use that word myself. I have a 15 yr old DD with LD and find it utterly offensive.

BalloonSlayer Mon 18-Nov-13 06:46:39

Well done you!

Remember - she misses her Mum, who died 4 years ago. That must mean she had a good Mum. Lucky her.

This is YOU being a good Mum for YOUR DD. Protecting her from people who are nice to her face but nasty behind her back.

Pennythedog Mon 18-Nov-13 06:53:32

I remember your thread about the Italian restaurant as well. I honestly think you have grown apart from these friends. Perhaps you can make friends with some other mums from school? Or find people you have a bit more in common with?

To be honest things do change when you have kids. You are just in a different place now.

SoupDragon Mon 18-Nov-13 07:18:47

Making a mistake with her original comment is one thing, the clear decider in asking whether you've done the right thing came in how she handled that mistake.

I agree with this. Mistakes happen - that's fine. However, it is how you fix them afterwards that is important. She has not actually admitted or accepted it was wrong which says far more than the original comment.

You are well rid of her.

SoupDragon Mon 18-Nov-13 07:21:03

I think what Shockers said is, in a way, good. However, I would just say "imagine if someone said that about your child/mother/sibling. Would it be so funny then?" rather than actually repeat the while thing.

TiredDog Mon 18-Nov-13 07:27:15

I've just read this. You've done the right thing OP.

Losing friends like this is a positive. Throughout life we make new friends and you need some more in touch with your life now

Pagwatch Mon 18-Nov-13 08:25:04

Its fine Shockers. No apology necessary at all!
I completely understand your intent - to make her reassess how awful what she said was by making her the target - and I understand the impulse.
I was just explaining what I get is a slightly pedantic point. I think my post looked cross when I was just trying for clarity smile

shockers Mon 18-Nov-13 18:18:58

Not at all, you're right, mine was a knee jerk reaction. I have had people comment on DD's mannerisms in the past and it really hurts, but never in such an awful way as the OP experienced.

You didn't sound cross smile

Marylou2 Mon 18-Nov-13 19:11:13

I'm usually a reasonable person who considers each side in a debate but not this time.Bin the bitch now!

MistressDeeCee Tue 19-Nov-13 02:48:48

She called your child retarded? And she feels thats ok, because she was drunk? Funny thing with belligerent drunks..they normally tell the truth about their thoughts.

I wouldnt want to talk to her ever again. You wont be able to talk to her again without having this insult on your mind.

and I HATE the R word too

FixItUpChappie Tue 19-Nov-13 03:32:12

Her comments are so horrible. So hurtful. I can't even imagine thinking such horrible things about a child in my head never mind imagine saying them out loud.

She thinks your over-reacting?? That says a lot.

If you are confused though I agree with the poster who suggested texting her that you are hurt and offended and need time to think and calm down before responding further.

FixItUpChappie Tue 19-Nov-13 03:35:00

Oh sorry OP, I missed your response up-thread. Good for you. Does your friend have a drinking problem? What a bizarre way to behave.

EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin Tue 19-Nov-13 12:25:54

Thank you all so much for these replies. Making me feel much more confident in my decision.

Ex friend has apparently been on the phone to one of our mutual friends, crying hysterically.

Mutual friend called me last night to explain that ex friend is completely sorry and is threatening to harm herself.

Again, so sorry if this makes me sound nasty, but this is complete attention-seeking. She craves attention. She craves drama. She threatens to self harm over the smallest things (even before her mother's death). She uses it as a throwaway term, just like the R word.

I just don't want to be friends with that person anymore. Mutual friend has agreed its up to me, but said she feels like everything is going to change now in our circle of friends. E.g. there will have to be two Christmas lunches/get togethers (a few days before Christmas, we've always done this), one with me and one with her. And this may cause fights because no one can afford both.

I simply said (after a small laugh of disbelief) that things like that aren't enough to make me be friends with her again. And I'd be more than happy to host a Christmas get together for the rest of us at my house - free of charge - a few days before Christmas.

Oh, and she also insisted ex friend does not have a drink problem. She's simply doing what all young, childless women do at a weekend. Go out and get drunk. hmm

Anyway, onwards and upwards. I've just took (taken?) the initiative to send an email out to my uni class rep suggesting we have Christmas night out after our classes finish up on the 15th. And so far, 10 people have said they're up for it. And thankfully 4 of them are all mid-20s like me so i won't be going out with a bunch of 18yos making a fool of myself.

I definitely do agree that i have to make more of an effort to make new friends. I feel like a new person with all this (small) risk-taking of late. grin

funnyossity Tue 19-Nov-13 12:33:27

Ewe, good luck. It may take time and effort to widen your social circle but it has got to be worth it. Keep on looking out for your wee girl.

Apocolipstick Tue 19-Nov-13 12:34:17

Good for Ewe.

That was assertively brave. You teach people how to treat you. Hopefully, former friend will learn a valuable lesson from your strength

coppertop Tue 19-Nov-13 12:40:54

Well done, Ewe.

The mutual friend doesn't sound so great either. Expecting you to put up with the insults just so that people aren't inconvenienced at Christmas.

I hope you have a good night out. smile

Pennythedog Tue 19-Nov-13 12:41:24

That's great news! Don't feel bad about your former friend. You definitely have enough going on in your life without all the drama.

funnyossity Tue 19-Nov-13 12:47:57

I 'm not surprised at the mutual friend's response. Groups of old friends are often like that, you are just expected to put up with the mouthy one or the drunk one because that is how it has always been.

Jarlin Tue 19-Nov-13 12:50:06

Good for you ewe

Her behaviour was/is totally unforgivable.

I hope you and your lovely little girl have a wonderful Christmas

KatoPotato Tue 19-Nov-13 12:51:47

Hey Ewe.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. It is better to get rid of the toxic people in your life.

I recently did the same, some friendship 'gardening' and chucked out a lot of weeds! I no longer have the same circle of friends but can say in all honesty have never been more content!

Are you in Scotland by any chance?

wannaBe Tue 19-Nov-13 12:57:46

these friends sound like teenagers anyway and you are well rid. threatening to harm herself? seriously she needs to get a grip.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 19-Nov-13 13:00:35

Shocking behaviour. Well done for standing up to this 'friend'. A 25 year old should know better.

As GuybrushThreepwoodMP predicted, the mutual friend got dragged into this. Don't let anyone tell you that you're overreacting.

Bant Tue 19-Nov-13 14:19:51

well done Ewe

and if a mutual friend does express concern about her saying she'll harm herself then you can reply

'I don't want her to harm herself, I'd feel terrible if she did. Same way as I would have felt terrible if she harmed herself after her mum died, she lost her job, she got dumped, she had to buy a round.. etc etc' But she's not my responsibility anymore.

perfectstorm Tue 19-Nov-13 15:20:48

Good for you for sticking to your guns. You really don't need this nonsense - nobody does!

ThreeTomatoes Tue 19-Nov-13 15:59:29

"She's simply doing what all young, childless women do at a weekend. Go out and get drunk." What a load of crap. Most of my closest friends were never big drinkers even in their teens/20s.

I admit I myself was quite a big drinker in my late teens/early 20s/late 20s (grin),usually with work colleagues; I would go as far as saying I had a bit of a drink problem, and yes i could be a bit of a self-centred arse at times, but i would never behave like your ex friend. The alcohol is no excuse.

Oh, I hope you'll have a lovely time in the lead up to Christmas smile with lots of true friends around you.

She's making all this about herself, isn't she? hmm
I'd try hard not to make mutual friends 'chose sides'; just state that you wish to distance yourself a bit.
Wrt alcohol - alcohol can be harmful well before any kind of full-blown physical addiction. Her alcohol consumption has just cost her a friendship which makes her a problem drinker. And, no, not every child-free, single woman in her 20s drinks regularly to excess...

Onwards and upwards, I am sure you and your DD will have a lovely Christmas x.

tribpot Tue 19-Nov-13 20:55:01

Do all young, childless women get drunk and post hateful remarks about children on Facebook every weekend? Not noticed that myself.

The question of her alcohol abuse is not relevant to the problem she has caused - I wouldn't get drawn in to the question of whether she has an alcohol problem or not (although she clearly does have one, no-one's going to thank you for pointing it out). And she doesn't need any excuses, she needs to own the amount of damage she has caused.

Your friends need to accept that times change. Your paths really diverged long ago, when you had your dd, and good friendships will adapt to change, not reject it.

rhetorician Tue 19-Nov-13 21:00:42

Vile. Your lovely, wonderful dd does not need this person in her life, and neither do you. But please be sure to tell her why you are calling time on the friendship (if that's what you decided). My own dd is almost 5 and if she made fun of someone in this way, she would be in very big trouble.

ArtsyLady Tue 19-Nov-13 21:00:49

wow I my nephew has HFA and what your friend did is so shitty, I don't think I could forgive that. sad

retiredgoth2 Tue 19-Nov-13 21:02:43

The wine goes in and the truth comes out.

She's toast.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Tue 19-Nov-13 21:03:42

You sound really lovely OP. Well done you for initiating the uni meet up too- really good idea.
Obviously it's not a surprise that your friend was dragged into it and I think you responded exactly right. Even if more of that happens, don't ever think that your friends are appealing to you because they think you're in the wrong. They just know there is no point appealing to her because she is completely irrational.
She needs to sort herself out and she is not your responsibility. If she ever did come to you having realised just how terribly she had behaved, both in her original action and, perhaps more importantly, her selfish outlook, threats and lies in the aftermath of that- perhaps then it might be worth attempting to salvage something. But until then, stand firm. You are doing the right thing. In the long run, perhaps you will be doing her a massive favour and she will begin to look onwards for the real cause of her problems.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Tue 19-Nov-13 21:03:55

*inwards

Mumrose Tue 19-Nov-13 21:07:51

If I was in your shoes I would end the friendship. Drunk or not What she did was vile ! I am not big hearted enough to forgive someone who said that about my child !

TheGonnagle Tue 19-Nov-13 22:01:20

Wow. Just wow.
Your dd sounds ace and your ex friend sounds like a difficult, manipulative loon.
Well done you!

BlinkeyBlimey Wed 20-Nov-13 00:23:01

Also 'wow, just wow'.

Well done for getting rid. She needs help.

CookieDoughKid Wed 20-Nov-13 00:36:01

Op have faith that there are decent people around who would never act like that if drunk. Its simply disgraceful. Let her be and you get on with her toxic behaviour.

ItsBiggerOnTheInside Wed 20-Nov-13 20:28:26

Really, really pleased to read your latest update and that you are not being dragged into backtracking by her old tricks.

She's a manipulative piece of shit isn't she? If she does self harm then it's her fault, no one else can make her, she has to decide to do it, and can't blame anyone but herself.

Glad you are getting away from her, sounds like life will be less drama filled without her!

GrandstandingBlueTit Thu 21-Nov-13 08:29:47

You've handled yourself with amazing maturity, Ewe.

I lost my Mum in my 20s, and I have to say that there is something pretty awful about using your own Mum's death as an excuse to be a total arsehole 4 years after the event.

I'm sorry for her loss, but this is clearly not about this in the slightest.

Don't let her manipulate you.

Blondeshavemorefun Sat 23-Nov-13 17:46:18

what a horrible manipulative friend

horrible to use the R word, against your dd and publically as well

manipulative to threaten suicide - having lost my dh to suicide just under 3 years ago sad, she is making empty threats as you said, to make you feel guilty - most people, tho obv not all, threaten for attention - those who feel that down/sad/etc just kill theirselves with no warning

glad you have decided to cut her out of your life and give your dd a special cuddle from me smile

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