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DRY

(995 Posts)
kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 14:10:57

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kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 14:20:16

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Hi kotinka, thanks for starting the thread.

Day 3 for me. I'm feeling like shit, but not because of the lack of booze. It's because I have to face my sham of a marriage sad

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 14:36:19

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FairyJen Thu 14-Nov-13 14:38:36

I've been dry 7 years and counting smile lurked a lot on last thread but thought I might pop in this one

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 14:45:47

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DaisyBD Thu 14-Nov-13 14:53:28

I lost track of the last thread, it moved so fast, but do really want to join in! I've been alcohol and drug free 11 years in December, one day at a time. I was thinking about this thread (or the last one, really) and wondering whether I actually had anything to contribute as I don't really think about alcohol or have cravings or anything. I just don't drink and it's not really an issue or part of my life now. I'm almost normal in fact grin. But I do like to connect with others in the same boat, and if I can lend any sort of support to others then I will. I remember how fucking awful it can be in the early days. It does pass, honest, and it gets easier. And I do think if I can stay sober, then truly anyone can.

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 14:56:57

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MrsSippie Thu 14-Nov-13 14:57:04

HELLO!! Thanks k for letting me know grin. I was on the last thread, have managed 17 days so far (this time) and hoping to continue with the help of this wonderful bunch of people, my family and my determination.

DaisyBD Thu 14-Nov-13 15:02:56

kotinka I sort of take that view about AA meetings - I always get a lot out of listening but can never make myself share, it's like my worst nightmare. I've been to meetings in NYC where the norm is you put your hand up and the chairperson tells you when to speak, which is much easier. I just can't seem to make myself open my mouth randomly. Anyway, it's good to know that I can help just by listening/reading, and I hope I can help support others by sharing my experiences too.

Mrs Sippie 17 days is bloody awesome. Well done.

Sorcha1966 Thu 14-Nov-13 15:07:37

I will link to the old thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1894820-is-anyone-interested-in-an-alchohol-free-addiction-thread

Welcome fairyjen; and Daisy I find it so so helpful to read of other posters, mums. women like me who had problems big and small with alcohol, made the decision to stop drinking and are NORMAL , happy and fulfilled, It gives me hope and something to aspire to. If you can post occasionally I, for one, will fine it really helpful.

Hi MrsS - when was the last time you had 17 days dry ? I knwo I cant remember... probably when DS1 was a baby.

sunshine facing the reality of a shit marriage is something I DO know about - and something I have negotiated - will offer any help and support I can. Well done on two whole days without booze...

MrsSippie Thu 14-Nov-13 15:12:32

I did three weeks in September, and have done things like a week here and a week there - the best was 8 months, but then I have always gone back three times as bad!! When I 'did' AA I managed four months but the experience was so hideous in the end that, again, I went back to drinking with a serious vengeance grin

JustAWaterForMePlease Thu 14-Nov-13 15:25:00

Thanks for starting this, Kotinka.

I'm on day 12, and I'm feeling pretty good, despite having a cold. I'm sleeping well, I'm being productive and I just feel generally positive. I was at a party last night with free booze, and being able to just say "thanks, I'm not drinking at the moment" was so liberating. Normally I would have been squirrelling away drinks, anxiously looking around worrying that the free supply would run out or that people would notice, and judge, that I was drinking every two drinks to their one. A friend of mine asked me whether this was just for a while or for ever though, and I had to admit I said I didn't know.

The other thing that feels very freeing (is that a word?) is having the decision taken away from me. Usually I have this internal dialogue on my way home from work every day. "Should I get wine? I really shouldn't. It would be nice though. I deserve it! But I haven't had a night off in ages. Oh, fuck it, I'll just have a few glasses." Then I would buy wine, but feel guilty drinking it, then wake up feeling like shit. I don't miss that.

And I seem to have so much more cash!! Not just money spent on alcohol, but associated crap food - at night and in the morning - and sometimes cigarettes.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit self-indulgent, but I just wanted to get down how I feel at this point to refer back to in a weak moment.

There are some amazing women (and men) on this thread; long may it continue.

MrsSippie Thu 14-Nov-13 15:26:01

Just checked out the end of the first thread and agree we don't want a 'leader'.
We are all here for the same reason and to offer and ask for support and guidance, to share our experiences if we feel we want to and to be kind to each other ( a bit 'oprah' but hey! grin )

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 16:00:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hello all

Thanks for your support. I realise that I've been drinking to avoid having to do something about my marriage. My DH isn't a bad man, but he is an alcoholic and that is part of why we've been having problems.

I've spent much of today crying, but it's actually helpful rather than drunken, maudlin emotions IYSWIM. I love him, but I have to get out of this situation because it's making me very depressed and unhappy.

FairyJen Thu 14-Nov-13 16:15:20

I still get the odd desire. Usually triggered by certain weather etc. for example on boiling hot days I think wouldn't it be nice to have a cider and black or if its freezing/xmas a lovely jack and coke. Lucky for me the feeling soon passes.

I think I'm a lot less stressed now an I don't worry about what I may do or say.

I never had a major problem. I wasn't an alcoholic but I was heading that way and I recognise I have an addictive personality so nipped it in the bud. Finding out I was pregnant with dc1 was a big help with this tho as the smell used to make me heave!

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 16:21:51

Hi! A fresh new thread and a new name!
Looking forward to seeing everyone here! smile

DaisyBD Thu 14-Nov-13 16:22:33

I always drank heavily even before it really became a problem but I also went right off it when pregnant - in fact the first thing that alerted me to the possibility was finding that I'd poured a glass of wine and then didn't touch it all evening. I'm grateful for that now, that I didn't end up with babies with foetal alcohol syndrome.

Actually a recurring angst is that I was such a fecking useless mother for my children's early years, especially DS2 when I was working in a ridiculous job in the city, doing stupid hours, being a single parent, and pretty much leaving the children to the care of various eastern european au pairs. I still really struggle with that. I have to keep telling myself that I did the best I could at the time (never mind that my best was shite) and that I can't change it but can make amends to them now by being a much, much better parent. I also keep hold of something one of the therapists in my treatment centre said, which is that recovering addicts can make the best parents.

muminboots Thu 14-Nov-13 16:48:11

Hi All and thanks for starting the new thread Kotinka.

I'm having a bit of a wobble right now. I know why - because it's the end of my work week, my mother (uhoh huge trigger!) is arriving tomorrow, I'm feeling stressed about work which I want to get done before I leave but I'm tiiirrreedd. I feel empty and sad. Just want to go home and escape from the week.

I guess I'm hitting at least 3 of HALT - hungry, lonely and tired. I don't really want to drink, I want to go home and curl up with a duvet and the TV and my children, and be warm and safe.

Sorry for me me me post.

Hello new thread grin

I like new threads because my phone doesn't cope we'll with 900+ posts!

I'm still sober, hurrah. Struggling a bit with thoughts of planning a drink but keep reminding myself of the fish on a hook hangover analogy which works well for me to put me off. The Antabuse has settled down again so I'm not so drowsy anymore which is good, just have to keep taking it daily and I'll be fine. Simples LOL! grin

If only I could switch off my head hmm

Enidcoleslaw Thu 14-Nov-13 16:59:28

I love the name Dry! One if my favourite recovery memoirs is Augusten Burroughs Dry. Also Rachel's holiday by Marian Keyes, plus there is an alcoholic mother in This Charning Man by Keyes. If you like crime fiction Lawrence Block has a series about a character called Matt scudder who gets sober about 4 books into the series. There is another great memoir called A Piece Of Cake by an American woman called Cupcake Brown who overcame a massive addiction problem to become a lawyer.

Must check out the Campbell book.

Enidcoleslaw Thu 14-Nov-13 17:01:38

Oh and the woman on the bus by the woman who played mrs Doyle on father ted, her name escapes me just now, has a great alcoholism sub plot.

MrsSippie Thu 14-Nov-13 17:09:51

Oh yes, Dry by Burroughs is hilarious! Alos rachels holiday I like. There are loads aren't there? I will put a list of all mine (saddo) up later!

DaisyBD Thu 14-Nov-13 17:13:52

I love that book too Enid, Dry I mean. My friend works for his publisher in London and got me a copy which he signed and drew a little cocktail in. I love his memoir Running With Scissors too. And I re-read Rachel's Holiday when I was in a treatment centre and I have to say it was exactly like that, I recommend it to people whose alkies are in treatment so that they can understand what they're going through.

The only thing I don't like about 'dry' as an adjective is that it's a little bit negative (to me) and also it makes us sound like toddlers potty training (especially when you add 'clean' to the mix).

Sorry you're finding things hard, muminboots, whenever I feel like that I try to think it through, ie think about what would happen after the first drink, and the second, and the tenth, and how I'd feel in the morning. And I also think that how ever shit a situation is, it can always be made worse by drinking on it.

Minutewaltz Thu 14-Nov-13 17:35:15

I have been sober for a number of years now, a day at a time, thanks to AA.
I can identify with everything said on the very eloquent posts on this thread.
AA removed my desire to drink, thank goodness, as I would have lost everything, my husband, children, home and my life.
Occasionally the thought of drinking comes into my head - craving would be too strong a word - and I think of ice cold wine in a beautiful glass, which is odd as I didn't drink ice cold wine in a glass, more like I swigged at a bottle of warm gin, or vodka put in a lemonade bottle.
Anyway, I think through the consequences, the appalling embarrassing behaviour, the shame and the hangovers, and I also say to myself that now I have the choice if I pick up a drink or not.
You are all doing great. Life sober is a life of freedom.

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 17:35:56

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BrickorCleat Thu 14-Nov-13 17:44:56

Hello everyone, how amazing, a brand new place with lovely people old and new!

This was true:
The other thing that feels very freeing (is that a word?) is having the decision taken away from me. Usually I have this internal dialogue on my way home from work every day

That suddenly empty space previously crammed with Booze Strategy can be a bit daunting as it frees us to look at our real lives/work/weight/marriages clearly and not through the bottom of a bottle.

It's interesting and scary what comes up.

I did therapy too and am blessed that I had the time and money to explore what made me drunk ( alky family, ramshackle drink-focused expat childhood, lots of entertaining, booze not feelings etc etc).

Grew up feeling like I didn't fit anywhere and the real (introverted depressed bookworm) was an unloveable twat and the public me (life and soul, socially accomplished cosmopolitan) far preferable.

The second one only came out to play if there was a glass (and canapés, and valet parking..!!).

Love the first one to bits now, scowling soberly into a book, and liking very few people sincerely is a total luxury.

So happy for all those who've started the sane journey. It will suck big time, but I guarantee it is worth every ounce of pain.

Here for you all, bonnet on and tisane and Improving Novel in hand (sort that icon, mildred, JA silhouette perfect).

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 18:24:45

OH has just got in from work with beers for him and some bottles of my favourite cider for me.
My eldest DS (on ASD spectrum) has been hyper, shrieking and running up and down the room.
I am painfully tempted.
Shit.

Minutewaltz Thu 14-Nov-13 18:33:37

Humolive. Think it through. Will it be just one glass or very many glasses and feeling ghastly tomorrow.?
Just for today I won't have a drink.

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 18:50:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorcha1966 Thu 14-Nov-13 18:50:58

Olive that was a bit mean don't you think? bringing in your favourite cider ?? Id be FURIOUS if DH brought a bottle of drips white sav blanc 'for me'.

Christ.

Please dont drink. Remember what you are trying to stop and why. Play it through Olive ... one is never enough and 'moderation' is not possible for us.

get him to put the F**king cider outside or in the car - away for you

shut the door on DS of 20 mins f you can and have a bath, or read or paint your fingers, or knit of whatever. But dont drink . In the end it wont help

sorcha xx

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 18:58:46

Yes Sorcha. I feel pissed off that he brought the drink home after I told him I was giving up drinking "for the foreseeable future".
He knows I'm a binge drinker. He knows that unlike him I won't want to have one or two and swap to a cup of tea.
He simply doesn't understand how much I struggle and how unhealthy my drinking is.
It's back in the car and he's sulking.
DS has run out of steam and is calmer.
Early night for one coming up. angry

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 19:01:45

Now it's in the locked car and out of opening reach I'm fine.
Just annoyed with OH.

He's previously said he doesn't mind if I stop drinking ( I have discussed this wish many times with him usually off the back if a hideous bingeing session) and he's been supportive.
Beginning to wonder now if in fact he's missing his drinking buddy.

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 19:03:11

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kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 19:04:24

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Sorcha1966 Thu 14-Nov-13 19:37:15

sorry if that was a bt harsh olive hope you are safe in bed already xx

I am anxious about tomorrow night. DH is going out and mu other is coming to supper. My mother is a most abstemious woman, she never drinks during the day and I have never seen her even slightly tight. She is also highly critical of me and particularly of my drinking. She is uncannily accurate in her opinion of my drinking but I have always defended myself robustly.

She will notice IMMEDIATELY that I do not have a glass of wine. I cnnot tell her (don't want to tell her) that I have stopped drinking, so I need a good excuse ... I may just say " Oh I don't feel like it tonight' but she will KNOW I am lying... I ALWAYS feel like a drink....so I need something else to say....

piebald Thu 14-Nov-13 19:52:49

Could you tell her you are on antibiotics Sorcha?

lonnika Thu 14-Nov-13 20:02:31

Don't tell her anything - get another drink or schloer put it in a wine glass and don't say anything - good luck x

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 20:09:58

Have eaten, safely PJ clad and happy to say the temptation has passed.
Am upstairs lying on the bed having left OH to his six pack.
He probably won't drink them all but sometimes he will drink a lot more but has no problems stopping, unlike me.

Excuses for not drinking? The antibiotics (Metronydazole or something like that is often given for dental infections and taken with even one drink will have you throwing up for hours. I speak from bitter experience) is a good one.
Recovering from a bad headache/migraine and feeling off colour?
Taken painkillers that don't mix with alcohol?
Need to be up early for something?
Easing off drinking for the run up to Christmas?

MrsSippie Thu 14-Nov-13 20:11:31

Goodness me, I am so sad for you humolive that's such an odd thing to do. I would be so so angry if my h did that. He's being really great this time and is even putting his own beer outside in the out house now so i don't even see it. Unless I say 'get me some cider/wine' he simply won't. I'm sorry.

Sorcha - I kind of get your problem too. My mother has spent my adult life tutting about my drinking and whenever I'm not drinking she launches into 'well, you have got a problem haven't you, I mean you've got a terrible problem, haven't you, your father had the problem too....<ad finitum>' until I WANT to drink grin I hope you can get through it ok!

Just had a bit of a tempting moment. Had a meeting at a school mummy's house to talk about the school disco that I have somehow volunteered myself into helping organise confused and I ran there <smug> when i got there, she said 'ooh there's wine in the fridge'. I don;t know her very well at all, so said 'oh I'm so sorry, i really mustn't tonight - not as i've run here'. It wasn't awkward exactly, but I was so tempted!! So I had coffee and everything was fine (and I ran back grin ) Feel proud and fit!!

I hope everyone has a good sober everning and a peacseful night x

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 20:12:04

Sorcha, you weren't being too harsh. OH has form for sabottaging my

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 20:13:16

my attempts at abstaining.
He doesn't understand how much of a big deal this has to be for me.

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 20:14:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSippie Thu 14-Nov-13 20:23:56

why does he want to sabotage it?

fiddlemethis Thu 14-Nov-13 20:52:23

Enidcoleslaw, I read the cupcake brown book, what an amazing story of strength and determination it was. Must try and dig it out for another read, I think I'd get a lot more out of it now.

fiddlemethis Thu 14-Nov-13 20:58:41

HumOlive, you have done an amazing thing and even if you feel a bit miffed now you are going to wake up in the morning clear headed and feeling very bloody proud of yourself and rightly so. Might it be an idea in the morning when the temptation is less to tip it down the sink?

MrsSippie Thu 14-Nov-13 21:02:06

^^yes, good idea. Chuck it away in front of your husband. I am really cross for you

BrokenEggshells Thu 14-Nov-13 21:07:31

Oooh shiny new thread and hello to old and new.

Kudos to you Olive. Bloody well done. Does he want to understand or is it a case of he's burying his head in the sand for whatever reasons?

myfriendbill Thu 14-Nov-13 21:30:21

Marking my spot. Loving the book recommendations.

For those feeling like bad mums just think 'No, I am a good mum' and I will be even be a better one.

It's all tough sometimes. I am coming up to 6 months, so still early days. My problem was although I was functioning I was going absolutely bonkers keeping up pretences, lying, feeling dreadful, scared of everything, terrible anxiety etc.

Truly horrible for everyone.

X

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 21:43:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 21:44:13

I plan to discreetly tip the bottles away tomorrow, yes. Maybe even do it in stages so he maybe thinks I've drank them slowly? Just to get off him off my case over the weekend.

I was also generally functioning, even though some days I'd drink in the morning or through the afternoon, I still mostly acted "normally" and OH wouldn't notice and would go out and buy drink for us both to have together in the evening.
I have made all sorts of excuses for seeming more drunk.
Not eating all day and the "first" glass of wine going straight to my head or pretending I'd forgotten I'd already taken my anti depressant and taken another and that was why I'm so hammered so quickly. blush

The fear, terror, guilt and shame is hideous.
I can't go back there.

Tonight all.
Peaceful sleep.

HumOlive Thu 14-Nov-13 21:46:04

Goodnight all even. Duh!

kotinka Thu 14-Nov-13 21:49:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSippie Thu 14-Nov-13 23:05:02

haha! ok I'll be next thread sorter--outer grin. You have done brilliantly Olive.
A few more book recommendations:
What did I do last Night - Tom Sykes
Drinking - Caroline Knapp
Through A Glass Darkly - Nick Chales
A Head Full of Blue - Nick Johnstone
From Headlines to Hard Times _ Ed Mitchell.

I've got more (can you tell I've been struggling for a long time !!?)
Will find the rest in the morning

youretoastmildred Thu 14-Nov-13 23:27:38

Here! Checking in on phone on train. Will write more later. Overjoyed at a night out without booze. Can't believe what a kick I'm getting out of it tonight.

Thanks for the thread kotinka.
Nice to see you all.

BrickorCleat Thu 14-Nov-13 23:31:58

mildred!! You bloody ROCK

Am throwing bonnet aloft and have lost a mitten in the excitement. [cartwheeling JA emoticon]

I know how you feel and it's just lovely isn't it? Safe home!

Weegiemum Thu 14-Nov-13 23:36:58

Reckoned this must be us!!

So I've done a week, helped a bit by being on antibiotics but still, I'm proud of myself.

Off to hospital in the morning, I get a drip each month which helps with my neurological problems. I really, really hate hospital (pretty much phobic) and can't bloody stand doctors (which is a bit ironic as I'm married to one!!).

Dh is on call away from home all weekend. The infusion makes me incredibly tired, so I intend to lie around the house like the Queen and allow the dc to wait on me hand and foot. I shall magnanimously reward them with ice-cream and DVDs!

FranTan Fri 15-Nov-13 00:12:02

Hi everyone
More of lurker than a contributer. Just wanted to offer my support to those who are struggling. It does get better.
I did the main share at my AA meeting tonight which always makes me reflect, especially on how utterly hideous it was towards the end of my drinking, how frightening the early days are and how grateful I am now.
This is a great thread for support.
X

youretoastmildred Fri 15-Nov-13 00:19:18

Humolive - sorry about the nasty experience tonight. I think you need to talk to dh about how you need him to support you.

weegie - sounds like a great plan. I hope you get some good rest.

I am SO FUCKING PSYCHED that I had a great time tonight. Seriously I was actually moved to tears when I was on the way to the train afterwards, by being so happy. So many things came unlocked for me tonight that have been locked up for a long time. I am feeling a big loud fucking shout of HAPPY and it is not very Jane Austen! But thanks for throwing the bonnet, Brick!

I didn't plan hard for tonight because I did a work do sober a few weeks ago and it was harder work (much more standy-uppy, talky to strangers) than I thought tonight was going to be. But I was tired and hungry and there was booze fucking everywhere and I did have a wobble. But I took myself off to a quiet place because I had promised to phone home for the dd's lullaby and that introduced a useful glitch into the usual oh-here-is-where-i-drink-a-glass-and-a-half-before-doing-anything-else treadmill.

then I put myself at our table in front of a big full bottle of fizzy water and found someone in my line of vision who looks completely physically obliterated by drink. I don't mean she was drunk right then. I mean that as long as I have known her, which is all my working life, I have watched her change from a big stylish good looking woman to a structureless, collapsing, red faced woman whose face is kind of giving up the ghost. She talks about drinking all the time.

Soon I had forgotten about the drinking.

the weird thing is how differently I related to people. The people on my table were a mix of people I have known for years and new colleagues. I felt completely comfortable with them in the knowledge that I was not making a red faced arse of myself grabbing the bottle too much and saying inappropriate things. Some of them drank a lot, some a little, one other person didn't drink at all (she never does). I felt completely open to them. I felt secure and wide open, like on ecstasy. And, as when you are on ecstasy, whether or not the other person is, they related to me in a completely different way. It was incredible. At one point someone was laughing so much that she was crying. there was an incredible sense of honesty.

There were a couple of moments where I found one or two people annoyingly pissed, but no biggy. No seething with inner invisible rage, like I often get with people when I am tired and frustrated and angry and worried about my own shit.

I know they are great people and I am not taking credit for making magical things happen by refraining from diving into a bottle for 3 hours. I am sure that many events in the future will be painful and hard work, as they often are. But I am thrilled just to know that experiences like this do exist, can exist, that I am not trapped alone in my head, that there are things in the world that I can enjoy, where I can be wholeheartedly present, that I can be a welcome heart of a social occasion and not some barely tolerated ugly dickhead. I suppose I started drinking to escape from being the person noone wants around and it just made it worse. For like 27 years.

Many of the things that happened tonight were healing because of work. they were chances to revisit things I fucked up or bad things that were done to me that aren't being done to me any more. I can't explain now and it is boring anyway but it was amazing to feel certain things being put away and put to rest.

thank you for sharing the books! I will look at those on amazon tomorrow. I love a good boozer / ex-boozer story.

There is a blog called Mrs D is Going Without which I sometimes look at. Interesting because Mrs D decided to stop drinking without AA but did use a blog and the online support from that. which worked, or is working, for her. so is kind of relevant to our little online group.

I am off to bed now, so tired, so achey, so happy.
I can't believe my life. I have got away with so much and somehow managed to stay so lucky. I can't believe my luck.

goodnight all

Newbie05 Fri 15-Nov-13 00:30:53

Hi All,

Great to have a new thread. I am having a little 'moment' with AA for some reason- just not feeling it. They have been fabulous for me over the almost 3 years I have been sober, but right now I just can't somehow. I was terrified of letting my sponsor know, (though I am in fact still going to meetings), but I texted her, and she texted back 'ok, fine, glad you're ok. sometimes you just need to back off and regroup'. Ho hum. so much for my worries.

Anyway, am not planning to drink, just needed some 'space' from AA. I have no idea why.

Books are great. Also the old TV series 'oprime suspect' with Helen Mirren is fabulous. Througout the entire series- 7 series in total I think- she goes from functioning completely normally and just liking a drink, to blacking out and losing her career. I couldn't watch some of it in my drinking days- too close to home. Well worth it. classic drama.

Weegiemum Fri 15-Nov-13 03:26:18

I'm awake still at almost 3:30. Luckily the shops are shut!!

Freaking out about hospital in the morning -- I really really hate it, the hypnotherapy I'm getting will take a couple more months.

Dh will take me in, sit until the drip is up. Friend bringing me home.

I keep thinking about the last time, when I waited 40 mins to leave because no one took my venflon out. I'm no wuss, tomorrow I'll do it myself if need be (have a dressing ready in my bag!!).

But I know from bitter experience that drinking over the weekend is a killer, so I won't!

BrickorCleat Fri 15-Nov-13 07:00:20

weedgie wishing you luck and strength today, hope it goes ok, rubbish to be awake at that ungodly bleak hour.

mildred your post brought a tear to my cynical old eye. You get it.

It's Friday, another week done. I was out last night and watched people drink, one in particular to inappropriate excess, I have been there and it was ugly and embarrassing. She was angry then tearful. It was a school occasion.

I'm looking at a sky streaked like raspberry ripple. I can only imagine how utterly crap she must be feeling now. Am so thankful it's no longer me.

BrokenEggshells Fri 15-Nov-13 08:04:41

What an inspiring , amazing post mildred. So happy for you.

Good luck for today weegie

I would be tempted to chuck them out in front of him olive so he got the message but I can be right thrawn when I want to be.

Today is day 17, I think. I do know it's the 3rd weekend and this is my danger zone. I have rarely made it past the 3rd weekend and never past the 4th willingly in about 15 years without being pregnant.

Had a couple of hours to myself yesterday and somehow my mind wandered to some of the things I did when drunk and oh God, I wanted to physically cringe. The sense of shame can be suffocating and I have to remember that this weekend. Very slowly I'm building up my own sense of self-respect that I lost along the way and if I get drunk it will all tumble down like a house of cards. I can look for respect from others but it has no meaning if I can't respect myself first. Without self respect I have nothing and there's only one person who can give that to me. My thought for this morning smile

Sorcha1966 Fri 15-Nov-13 08:50:25

Mildred what an amazing achievement - sincerely well done. Your post made me so happy for you and was quite inspiring for me too - well done!!

Egg - have you written those memories down ? I say that, not to be cruel but because seeing them written somewhere may be the things that stops you reaching for the first drink Promise yourself you will read the list of 'embarrassing things I have done when drunk' before you take a drink...

I am day 18 today and the third consecutive weekend dry. I have not had this many days off since DS1 (now 15) was a baby. I stopped drinking for 6 weeks them after I dd something very shameful (and dangerous) with my precious child. Not even when I was pregnant. I didn't drink much when I was pregnant, but I was not dry. I feel apprehensive but also quietly determined. I am afraid because I sort of don't believe I can do it. This negative self deprecating feeling has cost me many things in the past - the career I could have had (though I am happy enough with what I have) and many other things.

still, just looking one day at a time helps !

kotinka Fri 15-Nov-13 09:16:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenEggshells Fri 15-Nov-13 09:20:29

Sorcha I would be petrified to write them down as it makes it very real to see it in black and white. I would be worried that something would happen to me and someone would find it, one of the reasons I shredded my journals not so long ago. If I feel tempted this weekend I will attempt it even if it's to put them fresh in my mind and rip it up straight after.

youretoastmildred Fri 15-Nov-13 10:10:03

I read a book someone wrote under her real name about stopping drinking. Among the things she lists as drink-fuelled humiliations was sitting locked out on her own doorstep in the cold and wetting herself. I have to say she has some balls to get that out there.

My biggest shames are social. Times when I just shudder in the morning and think "what an almighty dickhead".
And the times I know I have put myself back at work or lost opportunities by making an arse of myself. Not actually smacking the MD's arse or anything, just being a twat.
(And other times when I did not actively make an arse of myself, just didn't show up to something or lurked around the bar instead of getting out there and networking. Millions of those)

Last night I actually got quite excited with all the social adrenalin but I know I didn't cross the line into "twat". I was out there, I was exposed, my self was on show, and I was making jokes and everything, but if I had been that excited and had a bottle of wine I would now be cringeing thinking "was that ok? I hope that was ok. I did say it twice. Oh shit, or was it 3 times? Maybe it wasn't ok. I hope it was ok". Or - that is the best I could hope for - borderline maybe ok as opposed to definitely absolutely twattish.

Once again a pre-6am wake-up from dd2. No vomit thank goodness and anything is manageable without a hangover.

They both look very cute in their onesies going to school for pyjama day.

Have a lovely day all of you, please come and check in before the weekend

HumOlive Fri 15-Nov-13 10:17:03

Same here brokeneggshells.
Some of my drunken memories are truly shameful and hideous.
Sometimes they pop into my head in the night and I can't sleep for the crippling anxiety.
Great post Mildred. Really inspiring. smile

MrsSippie Fri 15-Nov-13 10:49:01

Echo everything everyone has said - a really inspiring post mildred. I have generally found myself being a bit of a 'dry drunk' (much as I don't like that erm) when out with drinkers - you know, resentful, miserable, jealous and grumpy 'it's not bloody well FAIR' <channelling inner 7 year old> I felt a little like that last night when i was offred a drink. BUT knowing I was running home was a) a great excuse and b) a valid reason - hopefully I wouldn't have had a drink if I had been my old self and running ...but who knows?

Been feeling really remosreful this morning. I ran up very big credit card debts when i was drinking - we're talking thousands sad It was also my mental health that did it, but, I have to be honest, it was mainly my drinking. I finally came clean to dh three and a half years ago (I was pissed at the time) and he went beserk (understandably) I had lied for years but it had got to a point where I could no longer keep it up - in total I guess i owed about £12,000. We are slowly paying it off and I have had to do without easy cash, which is hard but what is harder is seeing how much he loves me that he can forgive me this. I have made us poor and yet he still manages to keep us going sad I hate myself for this.

I guess I have to forgive myself and stay well for him and my children though.

God, what a misery i am!! Sorry smile

In other news, am cleaning the house (day off = housework) and feeling well.

Lots of love and thoughts to everyone.

youretoastmildred Fri 15-Nov-13 12:25:37

As the weekend approaches, read this if you think you will miss going out on the piss:

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/arts-entertainment/going-out-still-not-horrible-enough-for-britons-2012102646567

muminboots Fri 15-Nov-13 12:26:00

Hi all, a bit fraught here so have to post and run, but I made it through last night alcohol free despite husband waving a shot of Portuguese liquor under my nose. Just wanted to say that HumOlive you were instrumental in keeping me from taking that damn glass- how could I when you'd said no! Thank you!

Day 7 for me, almost a week shock

youretoastmildred Fri 15-Nov-13 14:30:06

Hi Muminboots. Well done!
Sorry to hear about the fraughtness.

More random burblings about booze:

last night at the end, we had an unopened bottle of wine and one with a couple of glasses in it left on the table. (with a screw top). someone said: "we should take the unopened one into work for a drink one Friday." someone else said "who would bother to lug the bottle home and back into work again?" someone else shrugged, not caring either way. I had to run for my train and I don't know what happened in the end.

I thought:

I would have kept both bottles, including the one with the lid replaced.
I would definitely bother to lug a bottle of wine about that had been paid for (out of all proportion to the amount paid for it, or the fact that work paid for me and not me personally)
Had I been drinking there would not have been wine left over anyway. In fact its mere existence would have been a challenge. I would be very ill today, judging by the amount that was going begging.

That's normal people and booze for you.

HumOlive Fri 15-Nov-13 15:15:57

High five to both of us muminboots.
I found myself being a dry but very angry and resentful drunk until my danger time of 6-8pm passed.
I have been thinking over the last few days about other posters attitudes to drink previously and completely identify.
The watching the bottle like a hawk, desperate to get my share (or ideally more), the anxiety about whether more is going to be ordered, the paranoia about being observed helping myself too many times.
Normal drinkers aren't constantly obsessing about keeping the buzz going with another drink are they?
Reality check. blush

weregoingtothezoo Fri 15-Nov-13 16:38:37

Found you all. Been away for a magical few days with DH before my next surgery in less than two weeks. The things I can do now neither I nor he have to worry so much about whether I'll be in a fit state for something.

I've had a quick scan and mildred brilliant post. I'm just so so glad you're doing so well, in your head as much as anything.

Olive still think your DH is not willing to accept the consequences of your brave admission that alcohol is a problem. You have been vulnerable and honest. I think that's all you can keep doing, tell him how you feel, about drink in the house, about your past experiences... if his response doesn't change? I don't know, but staying sober the way you have is amazing.

MrsSippie wow - the consequences we cause... my finances have suffered but fortunately it hasn't led to debt. Your DH is pretty amazing. Actually mine is too - he's stuck around as carer, and that's a pretty long haul commitment to me. Gratitude rather than guilt is the healthier coping isn't it - not so easy in real life - I had a bit of a kick from my counsellor last week about this and after I got over the 'of course I'm grateful, nearly all of the time...' I have resolved to do something about it - and start a gratitude art journal. Started today, actually - I could link to a blog I found that has details and ideas for doing exactly that if it sounds any good, but if not just tell me to shut up.

Sorcha have you a plan for the weekend? And an escape plan? Am I right that you're not in AA? Do you have friends who you could call if you were about to give up or struggling? Would numbers help?

Sorry not to name check everyone else, and I am so sorry if I had a part in the issues on the old thread with MNHQ - I know it followed my expressing that I had been disbelieved and receiving some lovely empathic responses which I really valued - if it had anything to do with that, I am sorry, and I hope it hasn't caused problems to anyone.

I am sat here typing while DH is making his Christmas cake. Annual ritual, apparently, though this is only our second Christmas together, and my 2nd sober Christmas. Last year I was banished from the room whilst anything with brandy was out, including the mixing of ingredients, etc the fruit soaking was taken down into the basement and I was subsequently banished every time it was fed. This year, I don't really want the bottle left in the kitchen but the rest of the fussing is totally unnecessary. He worries more than I do - and he lived through it and saw it so he is entitled to. It doesn't bother me. I never really like Christmas cake/ pudding so now I have a good excuse not to eat them!

Wishing everyone a sober weekend, 2nd before advent I believe but with my surgery coming up, there's only really this weekend and next weekend left. Worrying, me? ;)

MrsSippie Fri 15-Nov-13 17:30:42

How funny zoo I was literally coming on to ask if anyone had seen you grin So glad you've had a few days away. I too, am waitng for fairly major operation. Long story but I had ever so many failed surgeries as a child and this one is baiscally undoing them grin It's been a long time in coming but I can't wait (which sounds wierd I guess!)

Just waiting for dh to come back from the gym and then I am off for a run ( I think - not sure about this change in weather...)
See you all later.

guggenheim Fri 15-Nov-13 18:12:42

wow! I'd be very interested in the art journal blog. I know that I should write a gratitude list every day and I think through all the reasons why I'm grateful to be sober but i'd love to hear about some more creative ideas too.

Thank you for the book list- I love Rachel's holiday.There is another book by an american aa er but I can't recall her name. It's a strange book because she takes honesty to the extreme and tells you things that really ought to be thought quietly,after a while I realised that the book talks you through how she managed the 12 steps and amends through 1st person narrative. She really hangs a friend out to dry but at the same time her 'friend' is a drinking buddy who attempts to undermine the author's sobriety. I need to get my arse out to a meeting but I'll put the book and author up tomorrow.

Please can people continue to post about good recovery books and sites- it all helps.

May I just add one piece of advice? does anyway I've really struggled with mood swings in recovery because I loved to push myself as far as I could go and then get slaughtered. Now I need to take care of myself properly, I need to eat on time and get enough sleep and i need to take all that boring shit very seriously or my mood drops and I fancy a drink or ten. I have put on weight but I can deal with that when I have some more recovery under my belt.

weregoingtothezoo Fri 15-Nov-13 18:26:03

It's here - it is a Christian blog, but also a creative blog. I don't have the skills, or at the moment the investment of money and time to do all that she does but I have picked up some lovely ideas. She is doing it for the month of November - but I think it can be picked up anytime. I hope it's useful guggenheim

I can definitely relate to being glad that your surgery date has arrived. My left heel is particularly painful and I can't wait for that to be gone.

fiddlemethis Fri 15-Nov-13 18:51:53

struggling tonight, I am almost enjoying remembering what it is like to sit and have a drink, I'm enjoying torturing myself. I don't know if its because in my head the more I think about it the less I will be able to resist and the end result will be drinking. My head is a very strange place at the moment.
I'm also doing the classic "well I've given up fairly easily, maybe I didn't have a problem after all" excuse....argh.

MrsSippie Fri 15-Nov-13 18:57:04

nooo! You know that's dangerous! Do something nice - a bath? And 'watch the film to the end' grin Sending huge Stop It vibes....

weregoingtothezoo Fri 15-Nov-13 19:24:08

Yep, the thoughts that you know will end up there. Do you want to drink? You've posted here, so I know that there is a part of you that doesn't want to, that wants to go to bed sober, and wake up relieved and clear headed, to be emotionally present tonight, and not have to drag your self-esteem off the floor tomorrow. Agree, distraction and as early a night as you can manage.

fiddlemethis Fri 15-Nov-13 20:01:48

I was planning on going swimming tonight but dh still isn'tback from work so that's irritated me, I know a swim would have tirned my mood around. Currently in bed with dd who is 4 having a lovely chat, I think I'll just snuggle down with her and sleep now. Thanks both for your messages, love this thread!

MrsSippie Fri 15-Nov-13 20:29:36

DD and I are watching Children in Need and dd1 has just called me on her way up North to see her boyfriend. She terrifies driving around all over ht ecountry in the dark! I barely dare go on a dual carriageway!!
I'm drinking schloer at the moment - must admit I am a bit 'twitchy' and sort of fancy a 'Drink' (didn;t make that run - the plan is to get up early and go grin ) Still I won't have one. None in the house and i have no money so couldn't if I wanted! It is hard sint it and will be for a long time I guess, but as long as we KNOW that, we can be aware of the dangers.

Have a great evening all.

BrokenEggshells Fri 15-Nov-13 20:47:52

Hello again zoo

Hard afternoon/evening with my finger hovering over the 'fuckit' button many times. dd has saved me. Wee mite is teething bad and sore ears so the only way I could get her to sleep was to put her in mine and lie beside her (there goes the sleep training back to square one again). Nothing like snuggling up to an almost baby and looking at their innocent face to calm you down and remind you who, other than yourself, you are doing this for. So on the peppermint tea and trying to figure out where it was I hid my big milka bar.

Sorcha1966 Fri 15-Nov-13 21:40:28

my mother has gone. And I have managed not to drink. Couldn't face buying any wine to offer her, so just got soft drinks. Didn't explain and didn't comment. Neither did she though she will have noticed.

thank F**k for that,

I do that " I gave up easily so maybe I didn't have a problem after all" - every single day. I really have to look again and again at the dreadful dangerous, embarrassing, stupid things I did sometimes when I drank, and ask myself " Was THAT normal?"; the answer, of course, is NO, so therefore i DO have a problem and I'm back to the 'no serious consequences YET" train of thought. ODAAT is probably easier for me right now though I am finding it less daunting to look at some upcoming social situations and contemplate how I will manage being free of alcohol ..

Happy sober Friday to you all xxx

lonnika Fri 15-Nov-13 21:53:34

Hi - just checking in before going to bed - Been really really suffering with my health anxiety for past couple of days- am better when I am busy x
Got a busy weekend planned- DD competing all weekend ⛪️- early start tomorrow - so goodnight all x

BrokenEggshells Sat 16-Nov-13 06:46:51

Yep I also think that and the thing is I might be able to moderate for a while but it always slips back to the old routine.

Been up most of the night with toothache and trying to decide if it's bad enough to take a visit to the hospital pain clinic. If I don't and it continues I know I will be severely tempted to self-medicate with alcohol. Toothache is the one pain I can't stand and make me cry. Give me labour over toothache any day.

fiddlemethis Sat 16-Nov-13 07:40:34

Oh no, broken, toothache is the worst, can you take any pain killers for it?

BrokenEggshells Sat 16-Nov-13 08:15:56

Have taken some ibuprofen fiddle even though strictly I'm not meant to because of on-going stomach problems. Taken the edge off but still swollen.

Bloody dentist. I knew it was giving me a bit of pain weeks ago and made an appointment as it's where I've had a root canal done. First appointment I could get was a month and a half away so still 2 weeks away.

MrsSippie Sat 16-Nov-13 08:59:13

Ew, I also hate toothache - you poor thing sad can you get to an emergency dentist??

Toothache is the worst, I hope the Ibuprofen works.

I had a few days this week when I noticed I was slipping into dangerous territory - ie mentally working out when to stop taking the Antabuse so it had worn off by the time I had an evening alone. The SMART meeting I went to this week focused on checking your thinking, so as soon as I've realised I'm thinking that way (and its not immediate that I realise!) I've switched to seeing the movie to the end and the big mental image of a stop sign. I've also been checking my thinking when it's been taking me down an emotional route cos that there is a dangerous thing for me too at the moment!

It's so nice to wake up cheerful grin I'm thinking about getting up but there's no hurry and its chilly on the other side of the duvet wink

Sorcha1966 Sat 16-Nov-13 09:26:03

Egg that sounds very sore - can you get some 'better' painkillers ? I hate toothache

lonnika hope you are ok

waves to everyone else - sorry not to namecheck you all but I am at work so a bit rushed - I am thinking of al of you.

DH went out last night , had a 'few! ' beers and feels dreadful this morning. I feel quite smug and very very glad that I do not have a hangover this morning smile

BrokenEggshells Sat 16-Nov-13 09:39:45

Good on you for recognising your thinking and taking steps to rectify it oops

There is a walk-in pain clinic at main hospital sippie but I have no-one to mind the kids and don't fancy a longish train journey and having to sit with them for hours. There's a second session tonight so if it gets worse I'll see if the parents can put the kids to bed so I can go on my own.

Definitely the start of an abscess but I've taken my temperature (I have health anxiety so always look to the worst) and it's fine. I have a full course of amoxicillin in the cupboard as I lived for a while in a place you can buy antib's over the counter. Off to see if I can 'score' some stronger drugs from the chemist grin

muminboots Sat 16-Nov-13 10:07:03

Yuck to toothache Egg, I hope you can get some decent painkillers and that maybe you can get an emergency dentist appointment sooner than 2 weeks. Horrid. Drinking suppresses your immune system so is definitely NOT what you need.

Well my mother is here, staying for the weekend oh joy. I make a huge effort to get along with her, because she's my children's only living grandparent. Which means we both play the game of pretending she's really a nice little old lady and not mean narcissistic and bitter. And that my father was the most perfect, saintly person to ever walk the earth and not nasty, abusive and selfish angry

But the worst is not all that but that some childish part of me is STILL trying to get her to really hear and understand me, which she's never going to do, and so I turn into this awful person that I despise when I'm around her for too long (i.e., more than a few hours). Living abroad means she always comes to stay and I always end up getting angry and shouty at some point and she gets all hurt and "I'm just a little lonely old lady" sad and I feel guilty for weeks because she IS all alone and I am all she's got and yes this probably does make me a mean and horrible selfish person that I can't just be nice to her for a few days. sad Argh.

HOWEVER, I am on Day 8, and I'm not going to let her sabotage my sobriety and I will NOT be drinking today.

muminboots Sat 16-Nov-13 10:14:53

I really sound like a horrible person in that post sad

MrsSippie Sat 16-Nov-13 10:46:04

Oh mum, I totally understand. My mother is terribly hard work, totally narcissistic and bitter as hell. Just far too much to go into now, but my sister no longer speaks to her and I have really suffered at her hands emotionally. And still am. Still, I am dealing with it now - hopefully.

So, Saturday - three weeks since I last had a drink and behaved
appallingly. How good it is to wake up looking forward to the day. Noy much to do but whatever happens, I can, at least cope with it!

A couple more books:

Mothers Ruin by Nicola Barrie - all about a professional family whose mother was an alcoholic, written by her daughter sad

Denial is not a River in Egypt - Sandi Bachom - Just a lot of sayings and motivational quotes - a bit too'AA' for me but also has some useful bits

Rational Recovery - Jack Trimpey - this guy hates AA and has his own idea of getting sober. I read it open mindely and it's 'ok'

Cleaning Up - Tania Clyde.

Have a good day all smile

HumOlive Sat 16-Nov-13 11:20:23

Brokeneggs, I have had the most horrendous problems with my teeth over the years. I really empathise. It is just the worst pain imaginable and it's so hard to relieve it.
I hope you get it swiftly and effectively sorted.

Muminboots, you're doing so well. Don't let your mother wreck it. When it gets too much can you escape for even a few minutes to be alone? I find playing candy crush locked in the loo helps when I need time out.

Well I'm sober, ok about it but it's really putting my relationship with OH in to sharp focus and I'm having to face up to the fact I'm not really happy.
OH leaves all the management of our our son with ASD to me. I do all the reading, info gathering, speaking to professionals, pushing for help at school. This isn't in itself uncommon but he doesn't want to discuss it EVER, would rather throw our already hyper child around and tickle him into hysterics than read a story to him or help with writing.
Any discussion about either of the boys (last night I was furious to find he let our 6 yr old watch a movie with his older brothers which was full of swearing and fighting) is met with him shouting and at me and often swearing.
He's not a bad person. In many ways he's lovely. Kind, loving and generous but he doesn't understand my problem with drink and am beginning to think he prefers me "a bit pissed" as I'm easier to handle.

Oh well. Things could be worse. I'm not drinking as well. smile

Sorcha1966 Sat 16-Nov-13 12:09:31

Olive does your DH leave all that stuff re ASD to you because he feels you are 'better' at it ? is he refusing to discuss because its too 'painful' for him - easier just to pretend DS is 'ok'....Its very hard trying to parent together even for neuro typical children..

Your gift to yourself is your clear thinking that comes with sobriety.. (sorry if that sounds a bit twee) everything else can wait...

MrsSippie Sat 16-Nov-13 12:38:28

Quote from 'Denial is not a river in Egypt'
^I have good days and I have great days
The good days are when everything goes my way and I don't drink.
The great days are when nothing goes my way and I don't drink^

flowers to everyone (including me) grin

HumOlive Sat 16-Nov-13 12:46:35

Scorcha, I can't even get him to admit DS has ASD. The best I get is "well that's that THEY say he's got".
He believes it's an easy label to slap on a child that doesn't fit the norm.
Anyway, he can think this if it's easier for him to cope. I just need more support and to feel we're dealing with our children and raising them together.
OH acts like the boys friend rather than a dad. Am sick of being the bad guy when it comes to teeth, homework, tidying up, all the boring routine crap that comes with being a parent.
I am ashamed to say that I have let things lapse. Kids going to be without brushing their teeth sometimes, letting them watch tv for too long etc as I've been too drunk and apathetic to care.
Now I'm waking up to the fact OH never enforces these things either. It's always down to me.

Fed up. My kids deserve better. I can be a better parent to them sober of course and OH will have to grow up a bit.

So far I've got up with the kids, gave them breakfast, talked to them, put washing on, just been a family.

The elder children are in their rooms playing PC games and OH is still in our room in bed doing similar.
Great. angryangry

kotinka Sat 16-Nov-13 13:02:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSippie Sat 16-Nov-13 13:05:44

Sounds like you are really going through it Olive. I bet you're fed up. sad No advice really, except to say, oh yes, i've done that letting them stay up for hours, sod the teeth, sod the wash etc.
As far as your OH goes, I don't know. Maybe just go out for a bit - say 'see you later', shut the door, go for a walk, let him deal with it for a bit?

paxtecum Sat 16-Nov-13 13:07:12

Olive: Your DH is a manchild.
You are right, life is easier for him if you've had a drink.

XDH and I used to have a coke problem. I stopped doing it and got my life back.
He carried on drinking and taking drugs and found himself an alcoholic girlfriend. He liked her to be dependant on him.

I'm sorry your DH is so unsupportive. It doesn't dode well for your future together.

Best wishes to you.

UtterMess Sat 16-Nov-13 14:26:16

I'm checking in. After my behaviour last night I've decided to stop drinking

I have a 9mo baby. I don't 'need' to drink (was happily teetotal throughout pregnancy), and when I do drink at home with my OH it's very controlled and I don't get drunk. He's a good influence.

The problem drinking occurs when I go out without him. I don't seem to be able to stop drinking and really binge. It doesn't happen often and I hate myself afterwards. It was a problem a few years ago and then I kind of stopped doing it, but since my baby was born I've been out twice and got really pissed. Last night I was awful- came home stinking drunk (blacking out, vomiting). I promised my OH I wouldn't do it again after the last time and I am so angry and disappointed with myself, I put my daughter at risk, made an utter fool out of myself and made a huge mess. I feel like an awful wife and mother. I really hate myself right now, they both deserve better.

MrsSippie Sat 16-Nov-13 14:43:56

Hello utter We have all been there sad Welcome to this lovely thread flowers

louiseaaa Sat 16-Nov-13 15:16:48

<waves> Welcome Utter - as MrsSippie says we have been there too.

Hi everyone else. Well I've been awol as I have been quite ill - on Thursday night my temp hit 102. It started with a sore throat on Monday, which gradually got worse, my son was off school on Wednesday and on Thursday morning about 2am he started wheezing badley. I managed to calm him down and get him breathing evenly again, and he used his inhaler, then went to work having been up all that time and came in Thurs evening feeling like death. I shivered for three hours trying to get warm, when I did get warm I just kept getting hotter. I didn't go to work on Friday and I would have loved to have stayed in bed this morning instead of which I am in a hotel room going to a boozy do. Thankfully I'm ill so can decline those drinks on the basis of that!

HumOlive Sat 16-Nov-13 15:19:58

Welcome Utter. Yup. I've been in your shoes many many times.
You've made the first positive step to address your drinking and to change. That's great in itself.
For years I was in denial about my binges. I always assumed everyone else went out with the same mindset as me, to get drunk.

I never learnt to drink sensibly and responsibly despite trying again and again and again. I've had a slow realisation over the past year or so that I'm never going to be a normal drinker and am starting to accept that it's ok. I can have a good, sober, honest life.

You can too if you want it.

Nice to meet you. Be easy on yourself today. Lots of cuddles with your baby will help smile

You're s

Sorcha1966 Sat 16-Nov-13 16:10:48

Hi Utter well done for deciding that this is not how you want to be, or how you want to live. Seriously this is a choice you CAN make. I wish I had stuck to a decision I made about 15 years ago, that I was better without drink. I did 6 weeks or so at that time, then denial come in again and I picked up the wine... 15 years and so so many mistakes later I had ( I hope) finally got the message.

Olive I have done the same so so often. Rather drink than put the kids to bed, rather drink than read them a story, rather drink than make sure they have cleaned teeth and cleaned up after themselves. Am ashamed of myself.

Hope you are better soon Louisa smile

waves to muminboots, don't let you mum drive you to drink. Just smile and rise above it count the hours till she leaves?

Hi sippie; hope you are having a good day - re your debts; try not to 'blame' yourself too much - yes take on board the 'lessons' from the experience but forgive yourself - its not the worst you could have done.

BrickorCleat Sat 16-Nov-13 16:53:28

Hi Utter you're not alone and this, today, is the WORST you will ever feel again in your life if you choose not to drink.

You'll have crappy days but not because you got bladdered, so that's a lovely thought.

Hugs to you today.

Anyone else captivated by Rosie Boycott writing in The Telegraph today about her battle with booze and her 11years of sobriety

Brave lady. Like all of you flowers

MrsSippie Sat 16-Nov-13 17:02:20

Oh Rosie Boycott - yes she wrote a book in the 80's 'A Nice girl Like me'. That was about her previous sobriety and rehab I guess if she's done 11 years.
Really interesting lady - she was editor of Spare Rib and lived the kind of life i would have loved in the 70's and 80's.

MrsSippie Sat 16-Nov-13 17:08:18

Had a very quiet pleasant day today - did a really good 3 and a half K run this afternoon (despite getting sniggered at by several teenagers as was wearing a not-very fetching beanie hat grin dd and I have been making cakes as she and two of her friends are having a (very small) cake sale for Shelter on Monday after school - she was very sad about the children who have no homes and as I used to run a homeless shelter has a real interest in it (as do i, obviously!) She's also clearing out her toys to give to the local refuge this christmas - I'll make a philanthropist of her one day!

This evening I'm going to be reading mainly. The males will be watching football as our local team is on which is a first grin.

Tomorrow will be a test - my mother is taking us all out for lunch. It will be difficult, but at least I won't have to explain my not drinking as i'll be driving her around. It'll be when I get home after dropping her off that will be hard. Ah well - as that quote says - the great days are things going badly and not drinking!!

muminboots Sat 16-Nov-13 17:57:07

Just reading on way to restaurant where I WILL NOT BE DRINKING. Will check in later on. Thanks for being there.

UtterMess Sat 16-Nov-13 18:35:42

Thank you, it's lovely to find such a supportive thread.

MrsSippie your daughter sounds like a real credit to you!

Sorcha1966 Sat 16-Nov-13 19:15:58

A new sobriety date list for anyone who is interested. I have tried to include everyone - please let me know if I have your 'date' wrong and I will update next time...

Sorcha 28.10.13
Mildred 05.11.13
Mrs Sippie 28.10.13
loveday 29.10.13
weegiemum 07.11.13
myfriendbill May-13
Enid Oct-10
CJCregg 2007
DaisyBD 2002
newbie05 26.02.2011
Egg 30.10.13
lovemenot 2007
FranTan 2005
oops 23.10.13
beeyump Jul-12
Zoo Jun-12
venuslong term
stinkingbishop Aug-13
brickor Jun-05
humolive 08.11.13
justlikeheaven midoct13
lonnika 28.10.13
trin Aug-12
jellytots Jan-06
Louisa Oct-11
isindemid oct 13
guggenheim Jan-13
Pinot 01.11 13
glowingembers Nov-10
icebergend sept 13
Leviticus Nov 3rd
fiddlemethis Nov 4th
foofoo mid September 2013
lola - June 2013 ?
dozy Nov 7th
kotinka
Justawater 04.11.13
bumpop
muminboots 08.11.13
pixwix 11.11.13
k0keshi
Algee 12.11.13
Sunshine 12.11.13
Fairy Jen 2007
minutewaltz - years
uttermess 17.11.13

JustAWaterForMePlease Sat 16-Nov-13 19:50:33

Thanks so much Sorcha - must have taken you ages!

Muminboots, make sure you get something really fantastic to eat! Even if you spend more than you would usually (steak, anyone?) it'll still be much cheaper than if you were drinking. I went for a meal last night and my share came to half as much as everyone else's, even though my food was more expensive! Yet another bonus.

We're here if you need us though.

MrsSippie Sat 16-Nov-13 20:21:34

Love the list Sorcha. Just about three weeks for us smile Mad.

HumOlive Sat 16-Nov-13 20:27:36

Thank you for updating the list Sorcha. :-)

Blimey sorcha, you must have had to scour the threads for that list grin

I've had a nice day, highlight was tea & cake with a friend in my favourite cafe. Dark choc & almond cake in case anyone is interested, bit dry, could have done with some cream. Sorry, I get a bit obsessed by cake. Last summer I had a running commentary with marks out 10 on fb of every cream tea I had hmm. A ten can be found at broomhill sculpture garden in north Devon if you're ever passing.

I haven't thought much about drinking today which is a nice rest for my brain.

I can't imagine running 3.5k. I think my knees would collapse even though I should probably consider some form of exercise after the enormous cake portion.

muminboots Sat 16-Nov-13 21:03:11

Amazing list! Really inspiring to see.
Happy to say that I am home from dinner, drank only water and it was fine really. Really nice to come home feeling sober and yes, the bill was much cheaper than usual.
Hope everyone else is having a good Saturday evening .

Sorcha1966 Sat 16-Nov-13 21:12:52

lots of time now I'm not drinking !!!!!

Well done mumin, the most satisfying thing for me having a sober night out is knowing that whatever I said was tempered by normal inhibition so highly likely to offend anyone, unlike if I had a skinful & thought it funny or appropriate to say something outrageous.

I'm watching black swan. I'm undecided about it so far but it's quite tense.

QuickSqueezeCoolBreeze Sat 16-Nov-13 22:17:00

Thank you for this thread. Some inspiring words here, good book recommendations and some very familiar moments. I have only very very recently made the decision to not drink at all. I think this thread will keep me on track.

Highly unlikely to offend anyone.

Welcome QuickSqueeze smile

JustAWaterForMePlease Sat 16-Nov-13 23:54:14

Oops, or at least if you choose to offend someone you know you're doing it deliberately!

skanking Sun 17-Nov-13 00:45:02

I desperately need to give up.. Im new to mumsnet.. I'm sat here drinking wine.. Ive been so stupid when drunk in the past, this time last year I was put in an ambulance because I fell over when I was silly drunk.. the most shameful thing is .. I had my children with me ... I am so lucky the social didnt get involved .. My HV was brilliant and helped me out, i had some help.. Ive stopped drinking during the day, but drink a couple of bottles when the kids are in bed (and when hubby is home) he has a drink problem too.. will happily drink wine every night of the week... this is where the problem is.. I find it hard to give up when he has a bottle .. every morning I wake up feeling rough , and say to myself I wont touch a drop again.. come 7 , Im hankering for a bottle :-( ... I wish I didnt have this urge .. I need to quit altogether.. finding it impossible.. feel so shit , alcohol makes a very ugly person :-(

muminboots Sun 17-Nov-13 08:30:23

Hi there Skanking, how are you feeling this morning? I think most of us in this thread understand so much of how you are feeling. Unfortunately if your dp isn't ready to give up and you are, you have to learn to be ok with him drinking when you are not.

We're absolutely here for you as support and maybe you need some real life support too, such as AA. I only have 8 days myself, but 9 days ago that would have seemed utterly impossible.

MrsSippie Sun 17-Nov-13 08:56:40

Skanking - hello. It isn't impossible, I promise. I have spent roughly 30 years in a daze, feeling like you, waking up full of pain and remorse and yet, same as you, waiting for 6 or 7 - in my twenties it was 10 in the morning..

It is hard, and the only way I hope to properly succeed this time is by, as I keep repeating (boring old dear, me!) 'watch the film to the end'! Remember how lovely the first drink is, but then watch all the other drinks and how horrible they become, until the end of the film is a blur and the next day is just horrible (for want of a better word)
The other I do is run - but that's just my way of dealing with it - don't always want to go out (especially now it's getting colder!!) but it helps physically and mentally.
My dh still drinks and that is hard - last night he drank three or four bottles of beer and I was tempted to try one, i admit, but I did the film thing and that helped.
Stick with it and keep posting, and do whatever will help you

Sorcha1966 Sun 17-Nov-13 09:29:05

Hi skanking, I have been in you position too, very drunk in charge of DS1 when he was a baby. Really awful and I was very upset when I realised what i had done. Didn't stop me drinking then though.....

It is hard with a drinking spouse - is there any chance your H is also worried about the amount of drinking in your house? Could you talk to him

We have all been there - stonking hangover early on, but drinking again the same evening. You CAN break it though, the first few nights are the hardest.. there is lots of support here - from 'long term' dry posters to the real newbies like me. We all know that our drinking was out of control, that inevitably it would cause huge problems (or has already done so) and that we cant just 'control' it...

Ill just repeat what I said on the other thread as it gives me hope.. " There are loads of people on this and other forums who no longer drink. Not one of them has said that life is awful, boring or any worse for not drinking alcohol". So, for me that's enough, and today I wont drink.

Sorcha

(PS skanking please change your user name - I'm sure its not accurate)

HumOlive Sun 17-Nov-13 14:57:23

Welcome skanking.
I feel for you. Have have been drunk many times around my children and in sole charge.

It can change. There is hope. Stick with us. We all totally understand. smile

MrsSippie Sun 17-Nov-13 16:06:30

Just been out for lunch with my mother - quite a stressful experience. We had booked a table at one place but when we got there she refused to stay as it was 'full of terribly common people'.... so we went elsewhere whch she seemed ok with but the food wasn't, in her opinion, as nice as the place we should have gone. arghhhh. Dh drank 2 and a half pints of cider and i had two red bulls. I was kind of transfixed by a large glass of white wine on the table next to us.sad Home now and waiting to take her back...

skanking Sun 17-Nov-13 16:22:41

Hello, thank you for your kind replies, I have no hangover today which is bizarre, Dh knows he needs to quit too, we're both as bad as each other.. and weak. Im NOT going to drink anything tonight..we always have a few bottles in to go with the Sunday roast (for the gravy is my crappy excuse) I Sent DH out to the shop for a garlic bulb.. and that's all he came home with thankfully.. Sorcha1966 I'm quite sure I've spelt 'Skanking' correctly .. It's a dance associated with the ska music scene smile

muminboots Sun 17-Nov-13 16:26:56

Two red bulls mrs sippie shock aren't you a bit hyper now??? Your mother sounds a nightmare. Well done for not drinking, these old bats are not worth it. Sympathies from me on that score. Mine is going home tomorrow...

weregoingtothezoo Sun 17-Nov-13 16:47:09

Hi skanking
What to say on an internet thread that's helpful... I drank much like you, and my daughter has now been adopted. However, I could not give up for her, and if you are like me, you won't be able to give up for them. I'm now 16 months sober and my life has never been better. My last drink led to an ITU admission and permanent disability. This is really serious stuff, and it's about more than just the hangover feeling or shouting at the kids.
It can be done. My family had given up on me and condemned me and I had failed 3 detoxes and residential treatment. But I'm still here.
There is loads of help out there, most of it when you access it they will refer you to Social Services. Drinking as you are you might well be in danger of fitting if you just stop, so you might have no choice here. The places that won't refer, are AA, or asking for help from your local church.
You sound in pretty dire straits - in the meantime do keep posting here, and being honest, and breathe in the hope, and reality that is life without drink that some of us can share with you.

MrsSippie definitely relate to tracking drinks - one of my warning signs these days, but was an all the time thing in my early weeks/ months.

Really, really well done to all those who've weathered stressful situations and possible wobbles WITHOUT a drink! You are doing it, you are the proof that things CAN change.

MrsSippie Sun 17-Nov-13 17:24:22

I don't feel too hyper to be honest grin. We'll see when i'm trying to get to sleep. Yes, my mother is a nightmare. She has gone now grin. DS in the bath, dd to follow. A bit pissed off with dh as he is still drinking but hey, he hasn't really had a drink for ages. He just gets stupid though and quite annoying! I will ignore and continue to have a nice evening - hopefully. Coronation street and I'm a celebrity!! My life is crazy grin.

HumOlive Sun 17-Nov-13 18:16:20

DH is in the bath here. Leaving me to bath the kids when he gets out. Obviously. Selfish bastard that he is sometimes!

Have been in contact with someone I went to school with on FB.
We were never friends but I always liked him.
He's recently divorced and we just chatted.
I feel a bit guilty as I also told him about all my gripes the OH.

He lives hundreds of miles away (near my family) and I felt alive and excited for the first time in ages.
blush

guggenheim Sun 17-Nov-13 18:30:28

Thank you for starting this thread (everyone) I really,really don't want to relapse but I'm tired and have 9 gazillion things to do and sometimes that bottle seems quite tempting.

I won't give in but i need both the sobriety threads here to help me stay away from the wine. Right now I have left dh in charge of a horribly behaved ds and I'm having some quiet reflection time. It might be a selfish way to behave but right now it works. I'm going to have some lemonade and settle down with some crap tv and avoid thinking about work.

not really a point to my post grin just keeping myself sober and flagging up how important it is to rest. HALT- hungry,angry,lonely and tired. Expect that there are several more feelings that could be added to the list.

MrsSippie Sun 17-Nov-13 18:41:53

I am getting more and more pissed off with dh - he is so fucking dull when he's been drinking! And knows EVERYTHING angry

Sorcha1966 Sun 17-Nov-13 18:46:20

right now I am hungry, ANGRY with my children esp DS2, and very very tired. No wonder I fancy a drink ! Have been working all day on house clearance type stuff. The kids have all had bedrooms redecorated and stuff sorted out. Chucking old clothes. books/broken toys etc.

Also went to Sainsburys and bought DH some beer , in amongst the weekly shop. he has been flat out all day and dealt with much more than I have as well as me shouting like a harpie. Bought beer as find that easier to resist. A bottle of wine n the fridge would really test me tonight.-

need to REST but cant just yet and back to work tomorrow.....

I apologise Skanking - I read your username in a different way.

Olive no one would grudge you a smile and a happy encounter when you have been so strong. Just be careful !

and well done Mrs S - survived your mother !!!

Sorcha1966 Sun 17-Nov-13 18:47:49

Guggenheim I admire your self awareness and that you KNOW when you are at risk of relapse and put your needs first at that time. Thats a great strength - to be able to do that. Stay safe tonight - hope you feel better tomorrow

MrsSippie Sun 17-Nov-13 19:51:58

I'm feeling really stresses, irritated, fed up, annoyed. Every single bloody character in Coronation Street is drinking tonight - even Hayley! I know what I'm doing - the 'sod it' moment I call it. Just miserable tonight. Miserable sad

BrickorCleat Sun 17-Nov-13 20:18:32

mrssippie have a cup of tea <ducks>

What's annoying you the most?

So sorry you feel miserable, some days just suck. At school we used to say 'that sucks donkey dick.' What lovely little ladies we were!

There are always going to be crap days, but it's not crap because you're not drinking. It's just how life is. And you will be happier and stronger and saner waking up without a hangover tomorrow.

Big hugs to you.

MrsSippie Sun 17-Nov-13 20:30:26

Thank you smile I think it's mainly dh being tiddly. he doesn't realise how much he annoys me. he's not doing anything bad just being irritating. I am going to go down and watch celeb with hot choccy soon and make him come up then it will just be irritating and annoying ds who is 13 <say no more>

HumOlive Sun 17-Nov-13 20:30:52

Sippie, me too.
I'm a Celeb on soon. Going to watch it and try and stop obsessing about drinking/not drinking.
It's exhausting and annoying.
I'm not drinking. I need to get over it! brew

louiseaaa Sun 17-Nov-13 20:40:19

Hi all

Well last night I went to this doo I've been dreading all month. And it was ok, fine. I had a nice time. There was lots of free drink on offer but I stayed strong. The fact that there was extended family there watching what I was drinking I thought I would find difficult but I just smacked the negative thoughts right out of my head - a bit like avoiding the whispers of the alky me in my head iykwim. It helped that I was feeling well below par and had no energy, for much at all. The look on the barman's face when I said we needed two non-alcoholic cocktails, please smile (One for my dh's aunt who was having a drink break, the other mine.)

It was worth it to sit in the restaurant having breakfast with a clear head, though. Quite a few green faces around.

One thing that was horrid - on out table a bloke started having a go at his girlfriend for necking all the champaign, calling her a disgusting drunk and more nasty things, I felt so sorry for her - that could have been me if I had had a drink. (Maybe not in public, but so) I wished I could have done something, said something, but alas - she left before I could gather my thoughts.

Anyway so sorry to hear others are struggling, I blame the weather, imminent Christmas and being partway though a long term. Hand on in there - I can't remember who made this comment but it stuck - Alcohol makes a shitty day unbearable but not drinking gives you a better day tomorrow. I think - It made sense to me anyway

Nearly pj and bedtime ... cannot wait.

louiseaaa Sun 17-Nov-13 20:41:53

hang not hand!!

BrickorCleat Sun 17-Nov-13 20:42:45

It's simple, Olive, you don't drink any more. Y

BrickorCleat Sun 17-Nov-13 20:45:54

Sorry! You're just used to noise about drinking in your head, so the 'when, where, how much, where's the next one?' is replaced with 'shall I shan't I, I shouldn't I want to' so there's still and internal debate.

It quietens down a tiny bit every day. I promise!

You are all found so amazingly, and think how much better Monday morning is going to be...

MrsSippie Sun 17-Nov-13 20:52:57

Great stuff Louise - well done!! God, the times dh has had to 'have a word' with me when we've been out because of my excessive drinking blush
I am now downstairs, in silence - dh and ds upstairs about to watch Karl Pilkington, dd asleep and I have the tv off until 9. I am being a bit harsh on dh - he isn;t a horrible drunk, he isn;t even drunk, it's just so bleeding obvious that he's had a few and he gets so stupid. However, all is now well - hot chocolate by my side, comfy in big armchair and you lovely lot to keep me sane!

kotinka Sun 17-Nov-13 20:57:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumOlive Sun 17-Nov-13 21:16:34

Agree Brick. The voice of reason. Thank you.
Yes, the decision is made so no internal debate with myself required. smile

Iceberg75 Sun 17-Nov-13 21:59:17

Hi all, I've just completed my eighth dry week (or will have done when I go to bed). The first six weeks were hard with the 'should I shouldn't I' conversation going on in my head quite a lot but I'm so chuffed I've come this far! For the first few weeks I was on a bit of a carb bender but I've knocked that on the head now and stopped the weight gain, hoping to lose some now. I sleep so much better now too.

I'm in a positive frame of mind that I can do this even through Christmas and New Year...... Yes I can!

skanking Sun 17-Nov-13 23:03:48

That's fantastic Iceberg75 well done!! I just had a fishfinger sandwich to replace the wine craving. Had a roast with all the trimmings today, I really didn't need to scoff that aswell .. I can see me piling on the pounds .. I've been looking into fasting to heal the body, I will be hangover free tomorrow so will give it a go

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 00:03:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weegiemum Mon 18-Nov-13 00:05:38

10 days !

grin

Weegiemum Mon 18-Nov-13 00:08:51

And I've eaten too much Ben and Jerry's but I'm sober. Coped all weekend hogue I'm struggling to manage the stairs.

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 00:16:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorcha1966 Mon 18-Nov-13 06:49:15

iceberg thats really great - well done. Im glad to hear the carb cravings do settle as I have eaten more chocolate in the last 3 weeks than the rest of 2013 I think.I hate that I have gained 7lbs, but trying to take the longer term view that not tipping 1000 cals of wine down my neck every day must have an impact at some point.

MrsSippie Mon 18-Nov-13 08:44:05

Hi there. It's replacing the sugar in alcohol isn't it? Good excuse for a chocfest though wink. Got into work early ish today as have a funding meeting (joy) It will go like this:

Funder: 'we gave you some money last year and you spent it'
Me: 'yes, can we have some more please?'
Funder: 'Probably - but not as much, oh but could you do twice the work and reach three times as many people please'
Me: 'erm'
Funder' see you next year then'.

I love working in the charity sector !

Have a good day all grin

MrsSippie Mon 18-Nov-13 09:02:39

Three weeks now! And four months without a cigarette!

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 09:16:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSippie Mon 18-Nov-13 09:19:50

I always do this grin but stop smoking first - for some reason I find is easier to drink and not smoke than smoke and not drink - if that makes sense...The best one was 9 months without a cigarette and 8 months without a drink. Really sensibly took both up again grin Although I did also do three years without smoking! I WILL get there.

muminboots Mon 18-Nov-13 10:00:08

That's brilliant mrssippie!

I am now 10 Years cigarette free shock and I do still get the odd craving, so I know how hard it is to quit. So worth it though. The best advice I received was every time you see someone smoking, think to yourself (or say!) "I'm so glad I don't do that anymore."

Now, if I can just do the same with alcohol grin feeling good today, the sky is clear blue and I'm planning a run at lunchtime. Work not too bad, DM going home today. Trying to eliminate some tasks that have been hanging over my head for months. Grateful to be 9 days sober with a clear head.

Sorcha1966 Mon 18-Nov-13 13:51:59

3 weeks without alcohol (cant believe that !! ) and 7 weeks without cigarettes... I once stopped smoking for 10 years but picked up again when I got divorced - this time I am determined NOT to do that!

I feel quite confident that I will make it to Friday alcohol free, which is SUCH an enormous change from 3 weeks ago when I wasn't sure I could do ONE DAY without alcohol.

How are you doing skanking.

Louisaaa I think that conversation between the man being horrible to his partner about her drinking would have really really upset me. It upsets me to think about it. DH has never said a thing to me in public (though he has once or twice in private) It must have been humiliating and horribly embarrassing for her. I guess she knows she drinks 'to much' ( if he is correct) how awful to have it discussed like that in public sad

youretoastmildred Mon 18-Nov-13 14:27:28

Hello everyone

have just skimmed the thread. will go back and read in more detail after this.
I've been away for a family party and just wanted to check in and say I failed miserably sad

but I did notice things I haven't noticed before, or noticed them in a different way. I feel as if there is a shift in my head and I am aligning myself less with the extreme drinkers. Can I be clear, I am not pretending that it is ok that I drank because I was thinking differently! - I am saying that thinking differently is part of whatever I have to do that will get me there in the end.
Noticing other people's hangovers in a way that I had no time or energy to do when I was desperately hungover myself. Realising that it is not ok for anyone to drink alcohol constantly for 8 or 9 hours. that it takes it out of everyone. Thinking about what kind of distance I need to create from the family culture I am from, seeing some who have done that successfully.
HOWEVER the downside is that somehow it was agreed that we are all spending Christmas together, which I have not done for a few years and OH MY GOD I don't know what I am going to do.
Not just about drink. But the general exhaustion of it all.
I am not well today. in bed. Off work. not even checking my email. Sent one message earlier saying I needed to cancel a meeting and went back to sleep. I tried to take sick days last week while still working and it added up with a few other things into just extreme exhaustion. It is part of what had me sipping the red wine. Being ill; being with ill children; having dd2 up every night; having crazy stuff at work; being shadowed at work; so much stuff built up for me, including having a night out, which I loved, and posted about, but still it was all too much for me.
Now I am worried and lonely, worried about calling in sick, worried about being ill so often, worried about what I am going to do to cope. I just want to calm down, I need a distraction. I need to stop worrying about everything and deal with it tomorrow.
Day 1 here. I am sure I am more anxious and depressed because I was drinking again but it is also the case that everything was getting to me when I was not drinking, and it pushed me too hard.
I don't know what to do.

I am going to try to tidy up the bombsite kitchen a bit and will be back later
I am really impressed with those of you who are doing so well and fighting so hard! It doesn't come easy. So impressed

jellytots1916 Mon 18-Nov-13 14:37:36

Hi everyone,

Just caught up with this thread, well done to everyone especially those in the early days when it seems impossible to imagine not drinking.

I have had a bereavement and am feeling sad. I am sitting with these feelings and not trying to drown them out with the drink which is what I used to do. Logically I know that I wont feel like this forever but of course being impatient I want to feel better now. I was talking to my partner (who is fifteen years sober) and he said to me " the thing is you can get through anything in recovery, divorce, death etc etc in time but you might not get over another drink". That resonated with me because if I had another drink (and thank god I really dont feel like that anymore) and pressed the "fuck it" button then all bets are off. I have no idea where I would end up except for the fact that I would lose everything and probably end up in prison, mental hospital or dead.

Sorry to be so negative but actually its not. I dont need to take that first drink that always got me drunk, so life, even though I am very sad today, is a million times better sober than it ever was drunk.

Big hugs to all and thank you for sharing your lives so honestly,

xxxx

Lickitysplit Mon 18-Nov-13 14:39:41

Day 1 for me. Joining in. Is AA the only way to go?

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 14:50:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellytots1916 Mon 18-Nov-13 14:53:49

Hi Mildred,

Sorry posted before I saw yours. Thanks for your honesty. I think its really important to be kind to yourself and try and break things down into manageable steps as beating yourself up will just make you feel worse. You are back on here which is marvellous so you havent given up on yourself at all.

Also try not to worry about anything that A) you cant do anything about right now and B) do the first important thing that cannot wait. It seems to me that you have SO much on your plate its too daunting to tackle. You will feel better once you have sorted the kitchen, its tangible, that helps. Have a bath, an early night if you can. The best bit is that you will wake up sober tomorrow and you dont have to wake up with a hangover ever again!!

Much love, xx

jellytots1916 Mon 18-Nov-13 15:00:33

Lickitysplit,

Hi,

Welcome, just to re echo what Kotinka said. Whatever works for you, there is no prescribed way to get and stay sober on this thread. We are all here just trying to help each other not drinking.

So, join in and post on here and say how it is for you,

lots love, xxx

youretoastmildred Mon 18-Nov-13 15:00:49

Thanks jellytots. It's true, cleaning the kitchen did help.
I have so much to be thankful for. (including the kitchen. It came with the house and is the nicest kitchen I have ever had, by miles)

taking some deep breaths

Sorcha1966 Mon 18-Nov-13 15:02:18

Mildred I'm sorry you are ill :-(

Can I make a general observation? I think you are 'doing' too much. This is why you are exhausted and thus unwell. You have a FT ? job... small children; a home to run; a husband /relationship to attend to and yet you also go out at night to functions (I know you probably have to) and have family to stay at weekends, go away for weekends etc etc. This stuff is making me tired thinking about it.. I know you probably look around and things everyone else does all this, but I tell you they do NOT. or they hold it together with wine and sick days and misery the way we have all been doing.

my kids are older ( and therefore more independent) than yours. I work FT and I never go away for the weekend, never have people to stay, really find it hard if one of my weekend days is taken up with 'have to do' stuff ie this Sat am I had to work.

Give yourself a break and re- prioritize. You cant get sober long term if you expose yourself to family this way (I think you kind of know that); or if you get overtired or if you have to go out alot at night etc .... So make a list in your head - Enid said somewhere that 'if I don't have sobriety I have nothing" so that comes first - and if that means says "This Christmas DH and I are going to be alone with the children" DO that.... then the kids and DH, then work THEN if you have energy left ... the rest.

Honestly No-one can do everything. its the biggest lie sold to women of more than one generation. Give yourself a break....

I hope you are not offended. It just struck me that there is no way I could do what you are doing and NOT drink. ....

Sorcha x

muminboots Mon 18-Nov-13 15:44:11

Mildred you sound so down and burnt out. When you're exhausted AND in a family trigger situation, it's such a debilitating mix. I totally empathize with the drain of work stress and constant mothering. It's so tough. Please don't feel like you failed, maybe a set back.

Put yourself first right now, rest, get well. Treat yourself as you would treat your daughters when they are ill. Do what you need to do. I feel like I'm spouting platitudes, sorry, but I mean them.

youretoastmildred Mon 18-Nov-13 15:45:36

Sorcha, it's true that I can't cope with it all. but I can't see what can go.

parents to stay - that was because dp was away for work (unavoidable) and I needed help with childcare over the weekend because I had choir / church commitments and for the Monday morning and evening (which dp usually does). The party this weekend was my mother's 70th and it meant more to her than anything that we were all together. The work night out was a huge thing for me because everything is up in the air, teams are being forged, and for various reasons I am in constant danger of being overlooked and forgotten about and I need to remind people I exist. We have new senior management who are bringing in new people and it would be very easy for me to lose my job.

you are right. It has been too much for me these past weeks but I really can't see what I can't do.
And this is why I am so anxious and panicking. I actually do, as a rule, say no to a lot of things. In fact my default response tends to be "I probably can't manage that" and make an exception if I think I have to. It's a miserable bloody way to live when you put it like that but that is how I do live - nothing is there by choice - everything is there because I can't not do it, and then the day /week / month is full and I am overloaded and there is room for nothing else.

Sorry to be all me me me but I really appreciate having someone to talk to about all this. I can't talk to dp about it because he thinks he does more than me and therefore has no sympathy for me. he sees the issue of my exhaustion (and how it manifests for him and family life) to be one of my dysfunction, not one of how much I do or feel I have to do (in fact do have to do).

An aunt asked me this weekend how things were and how daily life works out for us, with the jobs and dcs etc. I tentatively expressed that it can be hard and she immediately swept it all dismissively away with "that's how it is for everyone these days". (not her, might I add - she is retired - she has 3 daughters though who all have jobs and children, she means them) I thought "well bugger you then" and just changed the subject. Don't ask me if you just want to dismiss it all

muminboots Mon 18-Nov-13 15:46:46

Jellytots sorry to hear about your bereavement. Hope you're ok.

muminboots Mon 18-Nov-13 15:54:04

Mildred your DP sounds so like my flipping DH. Same attitude. They don't bloody get it at all do they?

jellytots1916 Mon 18-Nov-13 16:02:19

Thanks Muminboots I am ok. I have been asked to read a poem at the funeral on Fri and I am bricking it. Mainly because I'm rubbish at public speaking and I sway a lot. Thankfully its not because I'm drunk!!

Congratulations on your nine days!!

xxx

muminboots Mon 18-Nov-13 16:49:28

On my way home to deal with DS who's having an allergic reaction to something. Nursery were really worried but he seems to be ok. DH off out again so I'm alone as per usual. Not drinking though. I wrote a post which I deleted a few days ago saying I wasn't sure my marriage could survive my growing some self respect and taking responsibility for myself. sad wish I could say I'd changed my mind.

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 17:14:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youretoastmildred Mon 18-Nov-13 17:34:57

jellytots, sorry about your bereavement. I am sure you will do well on Friday. I hope the funeral isn't too tough and you get a chance to celebrate the person as well as grieve.

muminboots, my dp does actually do a lot with the dcs these days. he does more in the week because I have a longer commute. but I am up and out earlier than him every day and I regard the day I stay in bed till his time as a lie in. That has an accumulative effect. but also I just feel - it's not about who does more, it should be "from each according to his means, to each according to his needs". My means are pretty stretched.

Hi Lickitysplit, welcome. As you heard, lots on here aren't on AA. but fellowship helps

dcs are back, more later

On the subject of marriages and alcohol. When I first attended AA I was surprised to hear about relationships falling apart when the drinker got sober, I thought relationships would improve & heal.

My marriage was rock solid so I thought, together 20yrs, two teenagers. We were (are?) the only couple still together from the friendship group of our twenties & I truly thought we would grow old together. Then I stopped drinking in February which lasted six months. Dh's mood plummeted, my tolerance for his foibles/flaws tumbled. I had felt so guilty for so long about drinking that I let a lot of his behaviour go unchecked. Nothing abusive or aggressive just the irritations of varying levels of daily life. I wasn't going to put up with it any longer so that's why we're in the position that we are now (separated but living under the same roof) & will be for the foreseeable as one of my biggest resentments is that he's shit with money - never seems to have any despite working two jobs hmm so can't afford to move out.

Anyway, I think what I'm getting at is that not drinking isn't always a cure all in relationships especially as your thinking becomes clearer and your tolerance of what you will and won't put up with is more defined.

I swing between pure terror at what the future might hold & how the hell I'll manage financially, to excitement at not having to put up with his shit anymore, lol grin.

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 19:12:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 19:15:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrickorCleat Mon 18-Nov-13 19:17:22

Lickety. Welcome and look forward to getting to know you.

mumin, jelly and kotinka really hope that you are all ok and well done on facing some crappy and stressful situations sober. You are brave and remarkable and deserve flowers.

mildred oh you poor old love. Your life sounds creaking at the seams; no wonder you feel under intolerable pressure coping with all that plus your OH doing Competitive Shit Life.

Those were wise words upthread about Christmas. Put yourself first, you really must. Pull up the drawbridge and invent your own new sober family tradition.

I did and it went down like cold sick to start, but fuck them all. The DC loved having me present and playing and not holed up in the kitchen leaking booze and resentment.

You get one life. Don't live it for other people; you deserve peace and happiness on your own terms, not dancing to others' pissed-up tunes.

You will get there. The light is getting brighter!!

Kotinka - he's not a drinker. When we first met there were lots of the usual mad nights out & it was 4yrs until dd1 came along. He hardly drinks at all now except for nights out with work colleagues about once a month. I suspect he's a bit of a rescuer despite apparently having wanted me to stop for all these years. It's the only way I can explain his inability to cope with my lack of reliance on him when sober. For myself that is, I still rely on him to co parent with me but I'm actually very independent for myself & and I'm using the time he's still living here to learn some of the things I'm going to have to do myself when he goes, like yesterday I got him to show me how to put windscreen wash in the car.

My drinking masked an awful lot of issues in our relationship. He struggles to find fault with anything I do that isn't drink related which become irrelevant when I'm sober but I have resentments coming out of my ears which just never go away or change. Not that I'm minimising the damage my drinking has done to our relationship but I do think its allowed him to get away with murder (not literally obv!) over the years.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment recently during my relapse when hysterically bonding with him that he might actually prefer it when I'm a bit helpless and in need of him to pick up the pieces. The hysterical bonding didn't happen until I picked up a drink. Strangely enough it seems to have stopped again now hmm

youretoastmildred Mon 18-Nov-13 20:04:55

Hi Skanking, are you on here today? How are things going?

muminboots, hope ds is ok. do you know what the reaction was to?

Nice to see you again, weregoingtothezoo.

Uttermess, how are things with you?

oopside and kotinka, really interesting stuff about drink and relationships.
I think with dp the biggest problem we will face if I give up drinking for ever will be me subverting the thing where I am always guilty. I feel like my place is definitely in the wrong and having a hangover after a night of shocking boozing really shuts down any impulse on my part to challenge his behaviour. About anything. (not that he does really awful things - I just mean general "you know you could pull your socks up" stuff about small things can't be said because I doubt my place to say them, or maybe I wouldn't even need any support if I weren't pissed half the time)

Sorcha1966 Mon 18-Nov-13 20:46:43

Mildred what can you outsource ? Cleaning? ironing ? some childcare ?

something has to give and don't let it be you (or your sobriety)

Sorcha x

muminboots Mon 18-Nov-13 20:48:19

Thank goodness DS is now absolutely fine. We think it must have been kiwi fruit because I don't think he's had that before. He was very subdued and quiet for a while but now totally his old self.

We are watching Star Wars and my daughter is trying to do Princess Leia hair on me for a fancy dress party I'm going to soon.

Thanks for sharing about your relationships. I'm tired of DH putting me down (oh but he's only "joking" and I can't take a joke). I'm tired of not having sex for years. I'm tired of his life always being the priority. And if I try to talk to him about it he twists it all around until I feel like I'm somehow making it all up in my crazy old head.

BrokenEggshells Mon 18-Nov-13 20:51:23

Hello again all. Haven't been on as ds is sick and I feel a bit sheepish in admitting that I drank on Saturday sad

I went through HALT and found I was all four but couldn't do anything about them. Couldn't eat because of my tooth, angry at something I couldn't change, lonely and tired but had to stay up with the dc.

Very strange though I didn't enjoy it at all. I didn't relish buying it, I felt guilty and a thought saying 'you really don't want this'. I was physically shuddering at the taste of it at times and it was a wine I used to really enjoy, it gave me a sore stomach. The next day (if you remember I said I very rarely get a hangover) well I was vomiting into the sink, couldn't scrape myself together for three hours and had a shocking headache all day. My body has suddenly decided uh-oh don't like this anymore. Lesson. Learnt.

I think the fact that I was shuddering at the taste of it yet still drank it made me think. It's like giving up cigarettes and when you cave in, you take a smoke a think it's disgusting 'why did I want one of these?'. Answer addiction. I've always said I am a problem drinker, maybe I should be thinking I'm addicted rather than problematic.

Anyway, feel like I let myself down a load and cross with myself but nothing I can do about it now.

Off to pack a hospital bag for ds in case we have to run up tonight. I'll try to catch up with the rest of the thread later if I get a chance.

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 21:07:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fiddlemethis Mon 18-Nov-13 21:10:11

Evening all, 2 weeks for me, woo hoo! Hello to the new folk and well done to you for choosing to change your lives for the better.

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 21:10:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenEggshells Mon 18-Nov-13 21:58:44

Ok caught up.

Plan is that's it kotinka. Starting over afresh. It was the mental side of things that surprised me the most, rather than the physical side. Mentally I didn't enjoy it and found nothing at the bottom of that wine glass. No sense of enjoyment, relaxation or reward or anything else I used to associate with drinking. I was still bored and lonely too. My perspective seems to have changed somewhat. Thank you, fingers crossed he'll be fine. Just like to be organised as well practiced with the hospital runs - the joys of having an asthmatic child

HumOlive Mon 18-Nov-13 22:46:38

Horrible, upsetting, depressing parent/teacher interviews with the school today.
OH not there obviously. Not worth taking a morning of annual leave off for.
Have drunk. Disappointed and pissed off with myself.
Tomorrow I start all over again. I have no reasonable alternative.

Goodnight all.

kotinka Mon 18-Nov-13 22:59:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumOlive Mon 18-Nov-13 23:23:37

Kotinka, I felt he should be there. They're his kids too and his responsibility as much as mine.
We (I) had a suspicion things DC1 needed more support.
There was discussions OH should have been willing to be involved in. School applying for a Statement (of educational needs) which should come as no surprise to him but seems to have made him angry. Go to the meetings then! angry
Youngest son being "challenging and defiant" and also appears to be showing early signs of dyslexia.
Shouldn't have hit the bottle.
Going to wake up around 3am full of guilt and anxiety and unable to sleep again hmm
Tomorrow is another bright, shiny new day. I can handle the hangover as long as I learn from it.

BrickorCleat Tue 19-Nov-13 06:50:28

All the lovely shiny new days are there, just for you,Humolive

Forgive yourself, you've done so well and it can be so overwhelming.

Why is your OH angry about the situation at school? Why didn't he come too? It sounds like a lot for you to be dealing with by yourself.

Big hug to you today. Be gentle on yourself, you need to be looked after too.

muminboots Tue 19-Nov-13 07:56:22

Eggshells how are you doing? How's your DS? Hope that you didn't end up at the hospital. Both mine are asthmatic too and have spent many a night watching them breathe. It's awful. Sounds like your body is losing its tolerance to alcohol. You're doing great, it was just one night. Look how far you've come.

muminboots Tue 19-Nov-13 08:03:13

HumOlive it's so sad that your DH seems to be in denial about your DS difficulties. Maybe he thinks (subconciously?) if he ignores it/gets angry about it, it will go away. So unfair on you that you seem to be carrying the whole weight on your shoulders. I think almost anyone would crumble under that.

How are you doing today? Never mind the drinking, chalk it up to experience and don't be too hard on yourself. Parenting should be a team effort, and your DH needs to grow a pair and step up. Hope you're ok.

muminboots Tue 19-Nov-13 08:05:28

I think we need to add a new letter to HALT - O for OVERWHELMED. Seems to be a common trigger here and certainly for me as well. Not sure what we can do about it though sad HALTO? HOALT?

Weegiemum Tue 19-Nov-13 08:16:54

(Olive) - you just have to start again, sounds like it's all very stressful but at least the school are now doing something.

I'm still dry - and things have been a bit mental here, I was in hospital Friday (a regular appointment) then dh away working all weekend and I was miserably unwell with 3 dc to look after. Feeling sprightlier now, I saw my consultant neurologist yesterday, he commented on how much healthier my liver function is than it was 6 months ago (he knows about my drinking). Also, he's cleared me to start driving!! I didn't think I'd be allowed but I am, I'm delighted. Another good way to stay off the bottle.

But we found out yesterday that my fils long term partner is dying - she was recently diagnosed with a rare heart condition and she's now very ill. We've dropped everything for the weekend and are going over to N.I. but she might not last that long - can't go any earlier as dh is a GP and is struggling to get a locum to cover. Dc are very upset too.

But it's a nice sunny frosty day in Glasgow - day 12!

MrsSippie Tue 19-Nov-13 08:55:20

Oh my goodness. I didn't come on last night - and have just caught up sad I'm so sorry so many people are going through such horrible things. It is so bloody easy to drink isn't it? The thing is, all of you are clearly strong and clever people who know that it's not the answer but then sense flies out of the window in adversity doesn't it? It's never the end of the world though. I know that I could have done the same on Sunday when I so pissed off. Had I not been ready for bed I probably would have gone a out and bought alcohol!

I really hope everyone has a good day today. The weather is so frosty and yum (may sound daft, but you know what I mean!!) My hair has an 'interesting' kink from my rather sexy woolly hat I wore to cycle in grin. Will catch up more later.

Strength to everyone flowers

HumOlive Tue 19-Nov-13 10:41:04

Good morning all.
As predicted I had a restless and poor nights sleep.
Am choosing not to beat myself up too much over last night.
It was reinforced (as if it needed proving) that drinking just makes everything worse.
Going to try later to have a calm conversation about the children with OH later.
Thank you everyone for your support.
Back on the right path now and looking forward to more sober days ahead. smile

youretoastmildred Tue 19-Nov-13 10:46:59

Morning
Day 2 here.

We are sleep training dd2. dp was on duty last night. Tonight will be my night. Once we get this sorted out that will be a huge thing off my / our plate - I can't remember the last time I had an undisturbed night. It means I basically have to write off alternate night's sleep though till it is done. Maybe it won't take long. And at least I am not doing it alone. (as I did with dd1. why was that? what has changed? dp is so much more present with the girls than he used to be.)

Back at work - I was dreading coming in after being ill - it's as I thought but always better to face things.

Hunmolive I am sorry to hear you have to face your dc's difficulties alone.

weegiemum great about the driving!

fiddle - 2 weeks! Hurray!

Broken - I know it's weird, I didn't like it all that much either on Sunday night. I don't know how I am able to process that at some times and not others. When I was out with work I looked at the bottles of bog standard red and white and knew how cold and sour that very ordinary red would taste. I have always known it really but it doesn't stop me drinking bottles of it. Didn't stop me.

Have a good day all. Mrssippie yes I love the yummy frosty mornings too.

BrokenEggshells Tue 19-Nov-13 10:51:44

Hum it sounds like you are dealing with a lot yourself. Would you consider some sort of relationship counselling with your dh? It's tough when you have differing parenting styles. I was with ds's dad for ten years but ultimately it was his lack of parenting that broke us up but more than he wasn't ready to let go of the party lifestyle and sleeping into 4pm the next day. I hope you are feeling much better today. On the positive side they deal with dyslexia really well now. Three of my immediate family have it. Sis has got loads of equipment to help her read and got extra time on exams. Best of all she loves books and reading.

Great news about your liver function weegie but sorry to hear about the sickness in your family.

It's horrid isn't it mumin, the neb he got yesterday at the surgery wore off and was choking most of the night. Definitely seems a bit brighter this morning so hopefully the antib's and steroids are starting to kick in. Can't see him going to school this week which I hate as I'm always worried about him missing so much school but what can you do? They'll send him out to play in the flaming snow and he'll end up really sick as the cold goes straight for his chest at the best of times. Yep I felt like I'd poisoned myself, which I suppose really is what alcohol is. Didn't even have that much to drink either.

BrokenEggshells Tue 19-Nov-13 11:05:26

Good luck with the sleep training mildred. what is age is your dd? I've tried with mine but every time we start to get somewhere she gets sick or teething and it's back to square one. Hopefully we are starting to change our way of thinking about drinking. I'm going to write out today how much I didn't enjoy it and exactly the way it made me feel so it will be a reminder next time I feel tempted. I really need to work on other ways of dealing with stresses in my life too.

Sorcha1966 Tue 19-Nov-13 12:22:02

Olive Sounds very hard. i imagine your DH doesn't want to see DS's problem so is is 'angry' about the SEN 'label'... from a mum of an older child with (undiagnosed for AGES) SEN I would say GRAB the options with both hands. A 'statements' opened lots of doors for help and support for DS, it will specify what help he needs and the school, and LEA is obliged to provide it. My son, now 15 has Aspergers, dyslexia and ADD. None of these were diagnosed until he as 9 - the school kept saying everything was ok, and because he was my first child I didn't really know what he 'should' be able to do, I allowed this to go on. I WISH I had demanded a proper assessment much earlier. Now he is 15, has underachieved all his academic life, was expelled from school.. most of this I believe could have been avoided if his issues had been highlighted and addressed earlier. I feel I failed him by not managing to get a SEN. (sorry that's all about me ) I meant to say, try to present it as a positive step forwards for DS

Muminboots I completely agree about overwhelmed. DS1 (see above) rocked up from school at 7.45 last night.he finishes at 3pm. I was beside myself and had there been wine in the house I would not have been able to resist.... as it was I resorted to DH's nicotine replacement inhalator !

'mildred' good luck with sleep training - adequate rest will help you ++ i am sure

Hi Eggs and weegie and sippie, Jelly I'm sorry for your loss

oops what you describe (and mildred I think) in terms of relationships is one of my deep fears about DH and I. Maybe if I am not drinking it will change things ? So far, I have to say, its been fine from my perspective and DH has been very supportive...but I need to be sober, above everything...

youretoastmildred Tue 19-Nov-13 12:47:59

dd2 is two and a half. She did sleep through at one point but has been coming into bed with me for a variety of reasons over time and it has suddenly got to the point where I have realised she just doesn't ever sleep through in her cot. Enough.

MrsSippie Tue 19-Nov-13 13:54:04

Our ds now 13 didn't sleep a full night in his until his 5th birthday! For about a year from when he was 4, I just caved in and let him sleep with me while dh slept in his bed!

True Story: dd was conceived the night of ds 5th birthday grin

youretoastmildred Tue 19-Nov-13 14:52:46

oh god don't tell me that MrsSippie.
We have done it before... we can do it again!

HumOlive Tue 19-Nov-13 15:30:25

Thanks so much for that advice Sorcha. I see a "Statement" as a positive thing, a way to secure funding, support for our son.
You are right. OH is angry and hates the ASD label and seems to blame the professionals involved with our sons care as somehow responsible for DS's difficulties.
All very infuriating and sad.
Anyway, the bottom line is people deal with bereavement, serious illness, all types of horrific and tragic situations without getting drunk.
I had no excuses last night but the good thing is I now feel more determined than ever to quit for good.
smile

youretoastmildred Tue 19-Nov-13 16:14:45

new list

Sorcha 28.10.13
Mildred 18.11.13
Mrs Sippie 28.10.13
loveday 29.10.13
weegiemum 07.11.13
myfriendbill May-13
Enid Oct-10
CJCregg 2007
DaisyBD 2002
newbie05 26.02.2011
Egg 30.10.13
lovemenot 2007
FranTan 2005
oops 23.10.13
beeyump Jul-12
Zoo Jun-12
venuslong term
stinkingbishop Aug-13
brickor Jun-05
humolive 19.11.13
justlikeheaven midoct13
lonnika 28.10.13
trin Aug-12
jellytots Jan-06
Louisa Oct-11
isindemid oct 13
guggenheim Jan-13
Pinot 01.11 13
glowingembers Nov-10
icebergend sept 13
Leviticus Nov 3rd
fiddlemethis Nov 4th
foofoo mid September 2013
lola - June 2013 ?
dozy Nov 7th
kotinka
Justawater 04.11.13
bumpop
muminboots 08.11.13
pixwix 11.11.13
k0keshi
Algee 12.11.13
Sunshine 12.11.13
Fairy Jen 2007
minutewaltz - years
uttermess 17.11.13

I like looking at that list and seeing how well so many people are doing

At the end of one of the books someone posted about on here, there is a list of famous people who don't drink - tons of them!

JustAWaterForMePlease Tue 19-Nov-13 16:25:24

youretoastmildred - I've just done a quick google of famous teetotallers - we're in good company!

weregoingtothezoo Tue 19-Nov-13 17:00:47

So much to catch up on.
Sorry for missing many people, just another voice to encourage you to keep going, keep picking yourself up, because ultimately YOU are worth it.

Wondered about throwing the possibility of day treatment out there to those who are struggling but have responsibilities at home. They exist in most areas - drastic, yes but I do know people having amazing experiences. I know they support people through the relationship issues that become unavoidable once you stop anaesthetising them.

I have just finished my letter to my DD. I find it so hard - because so much is censored out, and I want to say something meaningful, to maintain the hope of a relationship even if it's a tiny one. The pain of missing her is so great whilst I am writing I wonder if it will swallow me up. Dreading Christmas - and Christmas in plaster, so I can't sing, or do the things that usually make it bearable. Self pity is dangerous though - I am keeping busy baking and creating Christmas cards - very repetitive but stops me drowning in grief.

Sorry me me me there. Not much help to others struggling with far greater responsibilities than me - I'm really sorry.

youretoastmildred Tue 19-Nov-13 17:11:00

weregoingtothezoo, so sorry to hear about the pain of writing to dd, that must be so incredibly hard. how often are you allowed to write to her?

muminboots Tue 19-Nov-13 17:20:23

I am SALT tonight (stressed out, angry, lonely and tired) and can't see a way to reduce any of them. Holding myself together but only just. Skin of my teeth. Must get through the station past all the shops now

youretoastmildred Tue 19-Nov-13 17:21:28

Good luck muminboots. thinking of you

Sorcha1966 Tue 19-Nov-13 18:22:28

* Muminboots* I share you pain. Going 10 minutes at a time tonight

weregoingtothezoo Tue 19-Nov-13 19:15:48

Hang in there. 10 minutes is good. and another 10. Do something nice for yourself, like a bath, a book - once you can, just promise yourself that. This is the start of being kind to you. mumsnet used to help me at those times, I'd read anything, whether it was particularly relevant to me or not.
It gets easier. I'm hurting but it doesn't cross my mind. Praise God that that's possible for a really hopeless, dying alcoholic.

Thanks, mildred I can write to her twice a year. I just hope they get through.

muminboots Tue 19-Nov-13 19:27:12

weregoingtothezoo I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through missing your daughter. I am so sorry. I think that your dd will truly appreciate that you think about her and want to keep in touch, even if it is hard to find the right words.

Thanks for the thoughts Mildred.
How are you doing Sorcha? I am upset and cross but I am NOT drinking. Hope you're hanging in there too.

Sorcha1966 Tue 19-Nov-13 19:55:07

Im FURIOUS with DS1. IN trouble at school again for 'selling' stuff in the playground, disappeared yesterday for 4 hours (third time in a week); has 'lost' his phone again, has an attiude on him at the moment, is in detention for no homework again... very very fed up. But I am not drinking.

thank God there is no alcohol in the house though

youretoastmildred Tue 19-Nov-13 21:13:59

Having a bath was the nicest thing I have done all day.
In bed already as I expect trouble on sleep-training duty.
I think dp is pissed off, or pissed off with me. Oh well i have asked him and he won't tell me so what can I do.

good night

fiddlemethis Tue 19-Nov-13 21:29:32

Good luck tonight Mildred, hopefully dd will start to cave soon and sleep. My 2 have been terrible sleepers, up until dd2 was 18 months she was waking around 10 times a night!! I am so glad they both sleep now, it honestly is the biggest reason I wouldn't have another baby.
Hope everyone else is doing ok, muminboots, hope you managed to get home safely.

Can I ask a question, I am feeling worried about how much damage I may have done to my body through drinking, how much do you think you would need to drink to have damaged your liver and will the doctors test you? Also, if you go to the doctor about drinking does it automatically flag you up to SS?

youretoastmildred Tue 19-Nov-13 21:47:53

fiddlemethis, I had a liver function test by mistake - I asked for a thyroid check and the dr ticked every box on the form, just to see if anything else was wrong while he was at it. that certainly triggered nothing untoward and if you want to, I would see if you can do the same - talk vaguely about general health stuff and fatigue and see if the dr will do some general blood work in the same way.

btw my liver function tests came back normal, which is very lucky and a big part of what makes me feel blessed and keen not to push my luck any further.

Thanks for the good luck. Lack of sleep is a killer, poor you. We don't have 10 times a night but I need a break now. I am hoping that all dp's hard work last night will be paying off a bit tonight, let's see.

Oooh here is a parent-ethics question: if I am lucky enough not to be disturbed tonight, do I have to do tomorrow too? Or is it just luck of the draw and it reverts back to him and we do strict on-off regardless of what happens?
Answers on a postcard please

louiseaaa Tue 19-Nov-13 22:00:25

Hi all

Just listening to the Lily Allen/John Lewis song (I think its really lovely) whilst my ds does his homework - he's one of those children that needs a rp to sit with him for encouragement, It drives me nuts - hey ho. Mildred I think that q is one for you to answer - what top up of the emotional tank for both of you is going to have the greater impact? DS is tired now and weeping and wailing - urgh - bed for him.

I've fucked up and haven't got a babysitter for tomorrow, I'm going to have to ask the neighbours if they will (they are very helpful, but I don't want to take advantage!) We\ are supposed to be going to see Madeline Peroux and Josephine - really want to go. :/

Anyway it's nearly bedtime, well done in going 10 mins at a time Sorcha hope you are tucked up out of harms way

Night all

HumOlive Tue 19-Nov-13 22:29:42

In bed watching Karl Pilkington.
Sorcha, also hope you're safely tucked up and the danger has passed.
Zoo, thinking of you and the letter you are writing to your daughter.
Hope one day you can meet and rebuild a relationship with her.
Goodnight all xx

BrokenEggshells Wed 20-Nov-13 08:15:57

zoo that must be an incredibly difficult thing to do. Don't know what to say only thinking of you.

fiddle just tell the doctors you want a general MOT and blood test. I suppose everyone's liver is different. I know a family friend that needed a liver transplant and she is a Christian and doesn't drink. Also depends of the amount of fatty foods, medications etc etc. Was thinking about going for one myself including a cholesterol test. Know my liver and kidney functions were checked when preg with dd, over a year ago and it was fine then. Hoping I haven't done too much damage since.

mildred it's luck of the draw smile Hope she slept well for you and sippie you made me laugh but ssshh and less of the it took yours to five. I'm so not used to have a non-sleeper, ds slept through from 6 months. It's killing me. Saying that between ds coughing, the wind and the rain, ds having a nose bleed and dd getting up I'm like a zombie today. Mucho caffeine needed.

Waves to everyone else. Have a good day all

Sorcha1966 Wed 20-Nov-13 09:11:10

If you go to the doc and say you are generally ire etc you will prob get a liver function test. If you 'admit' to drinking a t more than 'allowed' say 25 units a week, you will get a specific test for alcohol damage to the liver. Its called Gamma GT ... 'admitting' to 25 units a week will NOT result in SS being informed.

I did mine after a week off and they were fine.. amazingly but I did have some signs of alcohol misuse in other blood tests. Still I have stopped now so hopefully that's reversible.

zoo that must be so incredibly difficult writing to your daughter - but I really hope one day she will come and find you and will have seen and kept all your letters... if her adoptive family are good people they will know that this will be very important for her when she is grown up and that giving her your letters is the right thing to do....

on with the day

Sorcha1966 Wed 20-Nov-13 09:16:07

apologies for the multiple typos

MrsSippie Wed 20-Nov-13 09:46:00

Really quick one to let you know I'm still here! Am running a training course today and terrified!! Will update this evening.

HumOlive Wed 20-Nov-13 10:00:33

Good luck Mrs SIppie. smile
I'm googling famous teetotallers.
Despite everything I still seem to need more confirmation that not drinking won't result in me becoming a boring bastard.
Ironic really as I am at my most boring, irritating and repetitive when drunk.
Such is the illusion of alcohol.
Have a good day everyone.
Day 2 here for me.

youretoastmildred Wed 20-Nov-13 10:02:58

Good luck MrsSippie! I am sure you will storm it.

well dd2 slept through last night! Incroyable. I feel great. I think dp holding the line last night has made an impact.

I think I should pass it back to him tonight because otherwise, what, is it my turn forever until a bad night happens? Also, and I can't say this, I still sort of resent him for his utter pathetic lack of support when sleep training dd1, and also for his complete failure to grasp what the accumulative sleep deprivation of ebf-ing the two of them did to me. He is really stepping up, and I love him for it, and I especially love him for getting why we have to sleep train dd2 and going for it off his own bat. But - let's split it right down the middle from here on in.

Am I being an arsehole?

kotinka Wed 20-Nov-13 10:13:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kotinka Wed 20-Nov-13 10:13:53

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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youretoastmildred Wed 20-Nov-13 11:14:10

Sorry to gloat about sleep, kotinka, when you are so shattered. I hope it gets better tonight.

kotinka Wed 20-Nov-13 16:30:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumOlive Wed 20-Nov-13 16:41:55

Sleep deprivation is nasty. Both my boys were poor sleepers. I remember feeling like I was actually going a bit mad at the peak of the worst of it.
OH was really useless.
Even if I was younger that alone (the sleep or lack of it) would put me off any more kids.
Sympathy to those of you struggling through.

skanking Wed 20-Nov-13 16:54:49

Hello all, sorry I haven't been posting regularly, I've been trying to keep myself busy, sorting this shit pit of a house out. I'm going to catch up tonight when the kids are in bed, gorra say I am struggling immensely today!! Im ratty as hell, patience is wearing so thin, everything is getting on my tits! DH is working away so it's been easier not drinking, I haven't fancied anything since Saturday until now! bloody hanging for a bottle of red .. Ive got to take dd to Brownies in a bit, and get milk on way back arrrrgggghhhh!!! Well done to all doing well, it's SO bloody hard :-(

youretoastmildred Wed 20-Nov-13 16:59:10

good luck in the shop for the milk. focus on something nice later... like a hot bath. I'M ROOTING FOR YOU

MrsSippie Wed 20-Nov-13 17:13:57

Good evening smile Phew. That went really well. It was the first time we'd done this particular training course and I had written most of it so was v nervous. We advertised it as 10am - 3pm and finished at 5 to 3 which was amazing, as we'd not had a proper run through or anything!
All of the delegates were saying 'ooh, have a drink tonight!' and such like which was quite difficult. My co-worker was laughing and saying she will get the wine out etc sad Oh well. Got home to a lovey meal cooked by dh and have just this minute decided to take a day's leave tomorrow and do strenuous house sorting and running.

skanking it is hard but don't get that bottle!!

Sleepless nights are bloody awful for sure. So glad we're past that - well sort of, dd still wanders in at times and we have a stupid cat that barges upstairs at around 2am most mornings yowling to go out - so I have to stagger down and throw him out!!

The non-alcohol induced sleep is great though. Still struggle getting up but that's the time of year I guess. At least once up, I feel ok.

Have a challenge next friday night - a group of year three parents are all going to the pub. Luckily, the ones I'm closest to know I've stopped drinking and a couple of them are also not drinking so we will stick together!

Have a lovely evening all - chase those demons away and look forward xx

HumOlive Wed 20-Nov-13 17:16:46

Rooting for you too Skanking. Once Brownies is out of the way treat yourself to some pampering or a safe treat.
BTW I am eating like a pig. Am going to be massive by Xmas
blush

Weegiemum Wed 20-Nov-13 17:24:39

Day 13! Another lovely sunny one with crucially no snow in Glasgow.

We've booked the extortionate ferry to go to Belfast this weekend. FIL's dp is still holding on. We're staying with mil, they've been divorced for almost 20 years but she still gets really angry - hasn't moved on, doesn't like me all that much and forces wine on people. I can't "be on antibiotics" again so I've decided just to say that I want to keep a clear head as this is a difficult weekend, though I could murder a large glass of something white and chilled right now. Once again the "no alcohol in the house" rule proves useful.

I've also started to rediscover my palate - food tastes so much better when drunk with sparkling water - too much alcohol just made everything taste of wine. Which, given MILs cooking, was a blessing grin

It's going to be a hard weekend, though. But tomorrow I'm going for a pedicure with my best friend, and then on Friday I'm volunteering at our food/furniture bank, then whiz zing off to get the boat. And tomorrow night dh is working and me + dc are going to see the new Hunger Games film!

BrokenEggshells Wed 20-Nov-13 18:48:41

grin I'm a muppet. Big smiley winky nod

Anyhoo... Noticing the dates list I'll have to change mine to 17th Nov.

Glad your course went well sippie. Were you the exercise type before you started running as in did you find it hard when you first started? I've taken it up on and off throughout the years but the initial starting kills me and puts me off. Doesn't help that I smoke but wanting to get off them pronto.

That's my mission for the weekend skanking. Need to get this house in some sort of shape and it's just not happening.

Wouldn't fancy catching the ferry in this weather weegie. I'm in Belfast here and it's been severe wind and rain from 4am this morning. Hope it settles down for the weekend for you.

Am actually finding myself not thinking about drink at all. Not counting days this time either.

Better run. Can hear ITNG is about to finish so dd will be torturing me in a minute.

kotinka Wed 20-Nov-13 18:57:56

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kotinka Wed 20-Nov-13 18:58:29

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kotinka Wed 20-Nov-13 19:01:05

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MrsSippie Wed 20-Nov-13 19:12:41

Never exercised at all until i was about 40, then started swimming a bit and gymming a bit, but nothing serious - certainly never ran anywhere (except maybe tp the pub to catch last orders) trouble was I kept stopping and starting smoking so couldn't do anything properly.

MrsSippie Wed 20-Nov-13 19:13:14

tardis hahahhahaha!!

kotinka Wed 20-Nov-13 19:16:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrokenEggshells Wed 20-Nov-13 20:37:07

Ohhh tardis <whispers I can't stand Dr Who> Was there not a bear at one stage or am I imagining things?

I love swimming but find it a bit boring in the local pool. Outdoor pools in the sun and the sea yes. Really need to get my ass into gear and do something exercise wise. Running would be perfect as you can fit in in whenever you can.

youretoastmildred Wed 20-Nov-13 20:45:11

Hi skanking do you want to check in?

Feeling so shattered this evening..

Weegie, sounds like tough times ahead for you, I will be thinking of you this weekend

MrsSippie Wed 20-Nov-13 20:53:18

Yes weegie - hope all goes ok. Isn't it awful that we have to make our 'excuses' for not drinking sad

HumOlive Wed 20-Nov-13 21:58:36

Told OH tonight that I'm not drinking until Christmas. I intend to continue beyond this of course but don't need him tempting me with wine boxes and cider.
Told him I wanted to do this for general health, diet etc.
He muttered "yeah ok" with a roll of his eyes. He doesn't think I can do it. I know without pressure from him I definitely can.

What cut me to the core was my son saying "don't drink at Christmas Mum. Don't spoilt it for us".
He's not even 7. What have I inflicted on him already? Precious early memories of the magic of Christmas Day wrecked by a drunken, out of control mother.
Am shaken and upset.
More determined than ever that this year will be different.

HumOlive Wed 20-Nov-13 22:06:54

Thinking of you Weegie. That sounds like so much pressure. I'd try and play it minute by minute and maybe have another really good health related reason for not accepting the wine.

If only we could hide away safely in our pjs until we feel strong enough for all this again.

Sorcha1966 Wed 20-Nov-13 22:12:24

This year WILL be different Olive and your DS will not remember his very young childhood when he is older.

you are doing really well ! Keep going x

HumOlive Wed 20-Nov-13 22:22:25

Thank you Sorcha. I want so much for this year to be different. I want to remember it properly. Not to start necking the bubbly as the kids open their presents and for the rest of the day to be a blur.

Two years ago I got so drunk on Christmas Day I had a massive row with my MIL. She will never forgive me for the things I said.

OH defended me so she fell out with him as well. blush

No more madness this year.

Night all. smile

youretoastmildred Wed 20-Nov-13 22:25:38

yep this year will be different and other years will be forgotten.

I am going to have a bath and go to bed. dp is tired and it is making him distant. In theory I know how he feels, he is just too tired to be all emoting like a person in a musical. In practice it is making me feel lonely and shunned.
we suit each other well really because I am too self contained and too prone to tiredness to deal with someone really high maintenance, all in your face like a dog. but I do sometimes feel like I am living with a flatmate who doesn't care whether I am there or not (or would rather I wasn't)

didn't discuss who's on tonight. let's see how it goes. At least I am pretty sure that after his hard work night before last and seemingly good results last night, we wont have to be hissingly discussing tactics at 4 in the morning. that's something

have a good night all. Day 3 over here.
Not counting today there are 34 days till Christmas Day (OMG IS THAT ALL?) which means I could be on day 38 (37 down) when it hits

good night

Sorcha1966 Wed 20-Nov-13 22:57:08

34 more days... I am now Day 23... that would make day 57.... seems too much to think about to be honest.... will just stick with today I think. Between now and then I have my birthday, DH birthday, work Christmas Do, retirement do and several other stressful situations... definitely ODAAT...

Olive Its NEVER to late to do better. never. Your kids love you and will love you no matter what. You will feel happier if you are in a place to be fully 'there' for them at Christmas. forgive yourself for what is past (you cant change it) and look forward with optimism :-)

Glowingembers Wed 20-Nov-13 23:12:58

Sorry to hear tough times for some and returning to the bottle. When I read these setbacks I think 'well, they can't have been as bad as me!' And yet I think all our stories are very similar.

In the early days of stopping the thing that almost tempted me back to the booze was the monumental realisation that I had started on a journey that meant I may NEVER drink alcohol again...what was I thinking?!! All those birthdays, xmases, holidays in FRANCE, parties, work events and so on.

Anyway, the film was played again and again and I got out my list of horrors (where I outline all the things I loathed about excessive drinking) and read it and re-read it and somehow SOMEHOW shuffled on.

I really want all those struggling to believe that all the sober days will accumulate and become something amazing.

Other people can drink, but not me, and those that can don't give a hoot about it really. That's where it all went wrong for me, I bloody loved it, the first few drinks anyway, but I never could just have 2.

I took back my life and it's sometimes really shitty, but that's how most people live and I just want to be one of them.

My DD is everything to me, I ruined a few Christmases when she was very small, but she doesn't remember all that anger and shouting and stomping off. And that alone is more than enough to keep me going.

The film really works for me.

All strength, GE

MrsSippie Thu 21-Nov-13 07:27:11

Oh hum I totally get that - my 23 year old dd still worries about me and gets really upset at the thought of me drinking as I did when she was small sad I've hidden the past couple of years from her which has been easy as she has lived away from home since she was 19, but I kind of admitted I had not been completely honest the other day. The poor girl suffered a lot as a child, but that happenend and can't unhappen - we just have to make the future bright for them all.
Christmas is a bit of a worry isn't it? I think we should make a time where we can all come on here and talk maybe?

I hope everyone has a good day.

MrsSippie Thu 21-Nov-13 08:09:29

I am also quite happy to be fb friends with anyone if people want to smile

Sorcha1966 Thu 21-Nov-13 08:27:58

In the early days of stopping the thing that almost tempted me back to the booze was the monumental realisation that I had started on a journey that meant I may NEVER drink alcohol again...what was I thinking?!! All those birthdays, xmases, holidays in FRANCE, parties, work events and so on.

This is it EXACTLY GE; and this is why I have not 'told' anyone IRL - including dear friends etc. Because the enormity of it is overwhelming at the moment. You can't say to people "I've realised admitted I have a drink problem and have stopped drinking" and expect them NOT to raise an eyebrow next month if you have a bottle of wine. Once said you can't unsay it, .. I'm hoping that sometime I really will believe that my life is better without alcohol (permanently) and that abstaining is a positive choice that makes me happy - not a sacrifice I HAVE to make because I'm too weak to drink "normally".

Sigh. feeling rather flat, tired and overwhelmed with family crap at the moment ...

BrokenEgghells Thu 21-Nov-13 08:58:27

Wishing you strength for this weekend Weegie in more ways than one. I don't know what anywhere else is like but there is such a big drinking culture here in NI I can well believe someone trying to force a glass of wine on you. People who don't drink are regarded a bit odd and there must be a reason behind it?

Hum you can only make the good memories from now on and I dare say he won't remember the ones previous. I certainly don't from that age. I've behaved atrociously some Christmases and had blazing arguments over the dinner table.

Thank you GE that really helps and I totally get what you're saying sorcha as that's the way I feel.

I'm worried I'm lulling myself into a false sense of security as not drinking this week has been surprisingly easy. Two sick kids probably has something to do with it. What's the betting I'll be hankering after a hot whisky if I catch it too!

Yep Christmas Day will be the hard one for me. At least my dsis doesn't drink as she's a migraine sufferer so I'll not be the only one not pissed round the dinner table. We were talking about drinking on Sunday and I realised she doesn't feel like she's missing out by not drinking in any way. She has a great wee life and never turns down dinners or going out to clubs. Just lives her life without alcohol and occasionally complains she's had to nurse someone pissed as a newt on nights out. I could learn a lot from my little sis.

muminboots Thu 21-Nov-13 09:12:34

Hi everyone, I am reading and thinking of you all but just too drained to respond. Day 13 for me today and it's been a loooooooooong 13 days. I feel like I'm an even worse mother sober than when I was drinkign because I'm just so stressed and uptight and exhausted. When does this alleged energy kick in?

muminboots Thu 21-Nov-13 09:16:37

It's not Christmas Day that I associate with drinking so much but the run up to it - all the work Christmas nonsense, my birthday, other people inviting for Christmas drinks etc. Trying not to get hung up on it, just one day at a time. Next Friday is work Christmas do, that will be a challenge so I'm entering a 5 km race the next day so I have an excuse for not drinking as I certainly don't want work colleagues assuming I am pregnant again blush although I'd adore to be pregnant again but DH absolutely against it (and it would have to be the second immaculate conception anyway).

kotinka Thu 21-Nov-13 09:33:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youretoastmildred Thu 21-Nov-13 10:41:01

So sorry about no sleep, kotinka.
That really sucks.

Christmas is killer in some ways but.... have you ever looked out of the window on Boxing Day or New Years Day and seen someone bright and early all togged up for a run and felt a devastating pang of envy, because you feel like shit and hate yourself and they clearly don't?
WE COULD BE THEM!

I think post-xmas and post-NYE hangovers are awful. When you need everything to feel fresh and new, it is still pissing down with rain, you feel headachey and nauseous and there are sticky glasses everywhere. Imagine if you could get up, be cheerful with your dcs and look ahead to a fresh new year ahead.

guggenheim Thu 21-Nov-13 10:51:51

Morning all,
I'm looking at my first proper sober christmas, I did the classic boozer thing of making it through christmas sober and then deciding that all bets were off so I could really go for it as a reward... hmmm

I've also had a big wobble about aa/sobriety recently BUT I let myself have a rest,made sure I stayed away from that first glass,ate too much and just took care of me for once. Now I feel really good about it all,I'm not worried about staff dos,bugger christmas and I'm looking forward to a nice sober new year's eve,which will hopefully bring me to a full year of being sober.

What I'm trying to say is that sobriety really is worth sticking at and the difficulties tend to strengthen your resolve if you see them through.try to be selfish as possible and put your sobriety first- rest as much as you can. Bloody christmas will happen anyway and will be remembered as a good one if mum is sober even if it means buggering off with a new book and a coffee for an hour or two.

I saw some friends for a meal yesterday and no one drank! even the people who could if they wanted to, most normal people don't even want to drink all that often. freaks

youretoastmildred Thu 21-Nov-13 10:57:29

Brilliant post Guggs.
Stuff about the book and the coffee and the food and being nice to yourself really resonate with me.
I have recently realised, these cold weekday evenings when I am knackered and achey. how much of the drinking I have done in my life I have not really enjoyed - even in the moment. Cold sour red wine drunk hunched up in a chair with aching shoulders. Why was I not in bed asleep or reading a book? I was sitting in the bathroom watching dds in the bath last night and had this weird feeling "after this I can do what I want, thank goodness I don't have to start drinking" - like it was a job I resigned from. what an idiot I am. Was.
As it happened I did a lot more work which was stupid. Not quite in the vein of where I meant to be going with this

jellytots1916 Thu 21-Nov-13 11:33:26

Hi everyone,

Lots of talk about being worried about Christmas, understandable as it was always a perfect excuse for me to drink and not have to hide it so much. We would buy booze in for Christmas and I would always drink it before then so had to be constantly replacing the bottles before my ex noticed. Xmas day was just an excuse to start on the champagne at breakfast and be in a coma come three..........

Its not like that today, I cant say I look forward to Christmas (not because of not drinking but because I'm a miserable old recluse) but I socialise and do all the stuff I would normally do just without a drink and it doesn't bother me now. Actually when I was drinking I would look at "normal" people in the supermarkets shopping and just being sober and not understanding how they could possibly do that and now I am one of those people. It really is a miracle to me.

For me, and I can only say how it is for me, it is just one day at a time. I'm not going to have a drink today and that's all I have to achieve. Dont think about how you will cope at Christmas, its not here yet and we all have time to build our defences up before then.

I will make an effort to come on here more often and if I can help anyone I will. Agree with MrsSippie, willing to be FB friends as well. I have mostly sobriety friends nowadays so booze doesn't come up in normal day to day conversations I'm so glad to say.

Before you all think oh my god what a show off I will tell you that it is a question of warding this disease off all the time cos you never know when it will sneak up on you unawares.....Every Christmas since I have been sober and this will be my eighth sober Christmas there is an advert on the tv for Disarronno? I have never drunk it and I don't think it was around then but I find the ads always make me feel like I have lost out on something? Does that make sense? I know I cant drink it or anything else and I play the tape so I do know where it will lead but its just those damn ads making me think stupid thoughts. My 24 year old daughter tells me I wouldn't like it anyway as its sickly sweet and laughs at me. I'm glad I've written this now as seeing it written down makes me realise how daft it is!!

Thanks to everyone for being on here,

lots love, xxxx

MrsSippie Thu 21-Nov-13 12:16:13

Oh that bloody disarronno - I've never had it either and would probably hate it, but it looks so bloody sexy doesn't it! I hate alcohol marketeers angry

Sorcha1966 Thu 21-Nov-13 12:25:16

Jelly - for me, just 'seeing' long term dry people who are 'ok', happy even and crucially NOT MISSING DRINK gives me hope and courage when I'm feeling low / desperate for a drink ...

Weegiemum Thu 21-Nov-13 12:32:15

Day 14 - two whole weeks!!

My lovely friend and I are off for a pedicure shortly (really helps the feeling in my feet!) and coffee, then I'm picking the children up after their cross-country running club and we're going to see the new Hunger Games film!!

Dh is away on-call tonight, which is usually a bad time, but I have discovered that my panacea for cravings is ...... Dairylea! but no I couldnt possibly have eaten a whole tub of it in 2 days could I grin

Totally stressing about the weekend, it's going to be very very hard going, just too much serious illness in the family right now and I'm not good with it. Luckily, dh is great (well he should be great with it, he's a doctor!!)

weregoingtothezoo Thu 21-Nov-13 14:05:24

Hmm, Christmas. I struggle, because my DD's birthday is Christmas Eve, and I lost my mum 2 years ago, so the whole thing resonates massively with loss. I've volunteered for a homeless project the last couple of years just as a way of coping. But am spending this year in plaster, so not much use to anyone.

Last year, my first sober Christmas, I coped by putting strategies in place in advance. I shopped early and removed the stress, and got a lot of joy from the giving and wrapping. I tried to make something of advent - I got some readings about it being the season of waiting (something I am rubbish at) and found some beautiful quotes and ideas to make it a more hopeful, prayerful time. I planned a day out for Christmas Eve. And I baked, as much as I was physically able. "Winter has its compensations, most of them culinary" - Nigella Lawson.

This year... though I've got more sobriety to stand on, I am not underestimating the rollercoaster that is major surgery and its recovery. I am almost shopped, and I am planning some closer-to-Christmas creating with a friend's 12yo - for the benefit of us all, really. I have lots of projects, but I am going to be working on putting myself under ZERO pressure. It's convalescence, it doesn't have to be productive in any other way.

Drinking - I struggle to get those around me to even have a glass of fizz. It doesn't bother me, but the past still bothers them, and they have every right to feel like that. Christmas wasn't a drinking time for me particularly as I hid my drinking so I drank less when others were around. We don't go to my family on the day because they feel they can't drink on my account - even though I wouldn't want them to change what they want to do, they would enjoy it less - and I don't want to be responsible for that.

This afternoon I am mostly creating, which makes it a good afternoon.

jellytots1916 Thu 21-Nov-13 17:37:08

Absolutely Sippie, where are the ads showing you vomiting your guts out and passing out pissed?

Sorcha it does get better and my life without alcohol is a million times better than life with it. Its not so bloody hard work either. smile

Weegiemum congratulations on two weeks, fabulous. Presumably you arent going to pass out from too much dairylea or have to hide it around the house grin

Zoo sounds like a plan to me, look after yourself and be kind to yourself. I know what you mean about family not wanting to drink in front of you. I think mine thought that if I saw them drinking I would be leaning over the table and snatching it off them to neck it myself. Daft really as I never did my drinking in public. If I really wanted to drink I would get it anyhow but not suddenly lean over and snatch it from people!! I have a cousin who still apologises to me everytime she picks up a glass of wine. I have tried to tell her that I regard it as poison but she just cant see it bless her.
The dangerous thing I think is when people/family say "ooh you haven't had a drink for ages surely you can have JUST THE ONE as its Christmas? NO I CANT!! If I have a drink why would I have "just the one?" I never did then so why on earth would I now? Cant see the point.

Sighs and looks forward to hitting the pillow sober tonight, xxx

MrsSippie Thu 21-Nov-13 19:24:42

just doing a quick test on my laptop..

MrsSippie Thu 21-Nov-13 19:30:22

Oh good it worked! Complicated and dull but dh and I have been trying to clean this machine up.

How is everyone tonight?

zoo my dd has a birthday on xmas eve too. I will think of you on the day as well. flowers

My family are quite odd. if I don't drink my mother goes all off on one about my 'past' (not that she ever did anything to help me just revelled in the attention that the 'pain' I was bringing her got her...)and If I do drink she likes it even more 'oh you and your drinking, you're just like your father' (my father was killed drink driving when I was very small) and dh is very much take it or leave it, although I know he thinks I'm going through one of my 'fads'.

I've just done a really good run - only 4K but I did it all without stopping at all and felt great the whole route. I really feel this has been the answer for me (so far anyway).

Also looking forward to another sober sleep smile

DRY hugs to all xx

Weegiemum Thu 21-Nov-13 20:40:36

blush I might well have a tub of dairylea by the bed!

MrsSippie Thu 21-Nov-13 20:53:47

I say shock wink

BrokenEgghells Thu 21-Nov-13 21:19:41

Well done with two weeks Weegie. I swear they've changed dairylea. bought some the other day and it doesn't taste the same. Back to laughing cow for me.

On the subject of alcohol adverts I noticed the other day before 8am Asda had a wine advert on. It really is shoved down our necks 24/7. I read somewhere that the UK alone spends more than £180 million per year on alcohol advertising.

Seriously pissed off tonight and wanting a glass of wine. Cabin fever from being stuck in the house with sick kids all week. Cupboards are bare so have to go food shopping with the little money I have tomorrow. Kids have done nothing but nothing but cough, boke. My whole house smells of vomit and as a result I'm getting no-where with the washing. Between changes of clothes all day long, throws and now the rug needs hand washed too. Aargh!! Sorry just wanted a rant.

Bowl of granola and bed for me. Hope everyone else is having a better day and night. I also don't mind if anyone wants to add on facebook but I'll probably just bore you to tears grin

JustAWaterForMePlease Thu 21-Nov-13 21:50:53

Dairylea...the new penis beaker?

youretoastmildred Thu 21-Nov-13 21:56:56

So sorry about the vomit house, Broken. My goodness the washing builds up when they start. And then there's the drying in this weather....

have just this second finally soothed dd2 to sleep. She's got some kind of virus I think. Poor lamb let's see how much rest she manages to get.

work is crazy. Feel sorry for dp who looks permanently wrecked. a bit disheartened. can't imagine what there is to look forward to right now.
not because I want a drink. just want to go to sleep really

inspiring stuff from you all and I love hearing about those who are long term off the sauce (most of you compared to me)

Good night all

muminboots Fri 22-Nov-13 06:45:37

Morning everyone, woke up to find everything white outside shock

Where I live alcohol advertising is banned. Although they do get round it by advertising the nonalcoholic versions of beer. But when we finally got British TV after several years without, the alcohol ads were shocking (and also the betting ads)! Advertisers job is to create a problem (your sad unglam life, your normal aging prosess, your unglossy hair that you'd never worried about before) and then solve it with their magical booze, cream, shampoo. I like analyzing adverts grin

I'm freaking out about work Xmas do next week. I'm genuinely terrified about going sober. People already think I am too quiet, reserved and unsocial and I hate my shy awkward self. That's why booze was such a saviour I. The first place.

muminboots Fri 22-Nov-13 06:47:08

Sorry for iPhone typos! Day 14 for me by the way.

HumOlive Fri 22-Nov-13 07:01:10

Morning. Still here and still sober. smile
Yes, Muminboots, here in the UK the booze adverts are constant in the run up to Christmas, even as a previous poster said (was it Mildred?) very early in the morning with breakfast tv. It's relentless.
Am trying to reduce my calorie intake so I can relax a bit over Xmas.
Feeling a bit irritable and hungry but I'm not hungover. smile

Have a good day everyone.

Morning!

My family are fine drinking around me thankfully. My brother & his partner drink very little anyway, he is one of those people who opens one bottle of beer and saves half of it for another day (how strange lol) but they did need to be told initially that it was ok to have it in the house when I was there, bless 'em. I visited an uncle in the summer and when I said not to let my abstinence put him off having some wine he said 'don't worry I wasn't going to' grin. My parents are both dead so thankfully I don't have to go through my mother making my quitting about her. Not that I don't regret any pain I put her through by drinking but I'm sure you know what I mean. My dad died before alcohol became an obvious issue for me.

Went to another smart meeting last night, I don't know if they've been getting the word out about them or what because the numbers have exploded! Them room was full to the rafters. Good meeting though. Today's key phrase is 'success breeds motivation'. I think I'm amount three weeks sober (I don't like to keep a daily tally) so I'd say that was quite successful so far grin

MrsSippie Fri 22-Nov-13 07:28:34

it's not only the adverts, it's the way we have been conditioned to believe we 'deserve' a drink after doing, well, anything really. It's treated like a god in some ways - we all giggle a bit naughtily if it's before a certain time, or push people to 'have one, you need it'.... gah!

Superb sleep again. Up and ready for the day grin. We got paid today, thank god. It's getting harder and harder to make even the overdraft last now. We are apparently the 'squeezed middle' on almost exactly the average wage, and bloody hell we're struggling! However, I'm off to the lovely B & M this morning (or as dd calls it 'the BuM shop!) to get a few bits (DH does the main shop) then going to do not a lot for the rest of the day.

I so wish we had SMART here. Can you keep updating us about what you learn?

Hope the vomit stops soon eggs it really is the pits isn't it sad
Good day to all x

Sorcha1966 Fri 22-Nov-13 09:04:47

I am starting to believe I can do this.

Something extremely distressing and very stressful happened yesterday. There was even a bottle of cider in the house. I was beside myself with unhappiness and stress.
I wanted to drink, really wanted to. I could taste it, feel the hit as the alcohol got into my blood stream. Know I would be calmer, number not feeling the hurt like I did....

But I also wanted NOT to drink. I also wanted NOT to blow my 24 days of sobriety. I also wanted NOT to wake up wishing I hadn't drunk,

And I did not drink. I feel atrocious today. Headache, aching, exhausted. tearful. But not guilty, not ashamed and not suicidal (which I have felt as a result of drinking). I did not drink ...

youretoastmildred Fri 22-Nov-13 09:46:47

That sounds really heavy Sorcha. sorry to hear about the stressful thing. i hope you are ok. I hope it is something you can cope with.

well you are - in the not drinking sense. well done!

Hi to everyone

really tired here, up around 7 or 8 times between midnight and 6.30

Kotinka, did you get any sleep?

muminboots, has anyone said they find you too quiet? Is that what you think they think? I like quiet people, they are often very interesting and respond to what you have said rather than what they think you said to get in their favourite anecdote they have already told 25 times. I think you sound like good company

jellytots1916 Fri 22-Nov-13 10:16:36

Sorcha , well done for not picking up that drink. For me, nowadays, the key question is "Will having a drink make this situation I am in or this feeling I am having any better?" And the answer to that is a resounding no. I have a funeral today of a very close friend of mine and I am feeling unutterably sad about it. On top of that I have been asked to read a poem. All gut wrenching stuff for me. But, if I had a drink it would be a thousand times worse cos I would make it all about me and probably collapse on the coffin or something. I want to be a dignified sober woman today and be there to help the family as much as I can. And what is helping me is that my friend was seventeen years sober when she died and will be remembered by a lot of people with great love and affection. If you have to go that is the way to do it IMO.

So have a sober day today everyone and lets be grateful for the fact that we will be living every minute of it and not befuddling our way through it full of alcohol, happy or sad,

thinking of you all, xxx

jellytots1916 Fri 22-Nov-13 10:18:44

OOps I would love to hear more about SMART too, are they all over the country do you know?

MrsSippie Fri 22-Nov-13 11:09:33

Oh Sorcha - well done! Sounds awful, but it was clearly a test and you did it flowers. I have just been shopping and didn't even go near the alcohol aisles this time. I went to Asda for the first time in ages and have bought some of their own brand schloer type drinks and some juices and water for the weekend. They look really nice so hopefully they'll keep me going. It was ridiculous, I was debating whether to but three of four bottles for a £1 each whereas I would usually have got three of four bottles of wine of cider for three times that each! Madness!

Ds said this morning - 'you haven't been drunk for ages mum'. After I'd recovered from the cringe, he added 'it's so much nicer, you get so angry with everything when you're drunk. It's horrible'. Out of the mouths of babes...

I have dd at home with me today too. We got to school and she announced she felt sick - I turned to look at her and she was pure white and shivering, so I thought I'd bring her back for a quiet day with mummy sad Of course, she's ok now, lying under her duvet on the sofa. Sometimes they just need that time I think. We're having a few problems at the moment. She has a hearing impairment and her new year 3 teacher keeps 'forgetting' and getting cross when dd can't hear. Beyond a joke now - I have called the hearing unit to ask for a ToD to return and explain to the school what the issues are. So frustrating - and a long story!

Hope the funeral goes ok Jelly. Not a nice thing to have to do flowers.

Such a good thread. So happy to be here grin

jellytots1916 Fri 22-Nov-13 11:26:50

Ha ha ha Sippie I'm the same...TWO QUID for a bottle of elderflower cordial?? TWO QUID?? And conveniently forgetting that I used to think nothing of spending a small fortune on a couple of bottles of wine.....
Hope your daughter is feeling better soon
xx

Weegiemum Fri 22-Nov-13 12:40:43

Well done Sorcha, I don't think I could have done that! I daren't leave the house on my own today, it's just not worth it. I'm incredibly stressed about going to MILs, dh had a very snippy phone call with his mum ("so I'm just a hotel this time, am I?") and bil is a very odd character who hasn't ever really accepted that his parents are divorced and on principle doesn't like the lovely lady who is dying and is quite happy to say so - he has no social skills and he's actually quite proud of that!
So I'm staying in and I've had a cuddle with my guinea pig. Sadly, am also out of dairylea!
Day 15

youretoastmildred Fri 22-Nov-13 12:42:48

good luck today, jellytots.
weegie, I think you need an emergency dairylea hotline. tough times ahead. good luck

Scorcha, that was quite an achievement not picking up a drink yesterday, well done! Success breeds motivation (repeat to self X1000 wink )

What would you like to know about SMART? I'm not an expert btw - but went to meetings for about three months at the turn of last year and I'm going again whilst I get back on track from my relapse.

They have a website

And a book

Anything I can tell you will be found there but I'm happy to help too smile One thing I will say is that the meetings list really doesn't seem to be kept up to date. It only shows one meeting in my area a week and I know for sure that there are at least five if not more. Maybe there's a phone number on the website where more meeting info can be found? I found my regular meetings by calling my local drugs project on the suggestion of... oh, can't remember who suggested that originally! but if you have a local drugs rehab service in your city/area they would almost certainly know if there are smart meetings in your area.

Gah, having a tricky afternoon. I will be alone this evening which is often a difficult one for me as I was a secret drinker (not very successful at keeping it secret most of the time hmm ) so the idea of being alone in the house all evening with no work in the morning would have been a big fat green light to get shitfaced. I have made a few plans to make it nice, have set a fire to light, bought caffeine free tea bags and have a couple of movies saved. All very stress free until dd1, who has a panic disorder and emotional disregulation disorder calls me an hour or so ago and spends 20 minutes effing and blinding at me because I can't make her panic attack stop. Her dad is on the way over to her now (she's at college). Anyway, stress levels have rocketed and lets just say it's a bloody good job I have been taking my antabuse. I will go to pick her up in half an hour or so but fully expect her to talk to me like shit on her shoe because she expects me to somehow, from a distance, to cure her. I will be glad to drop her at her boyfriend's house!

MrsSippie Fri 22-Nov-13 16:28:58

GAH! It's Friday night and everyone is putting up 'hilarious' statuses about drinking tonight, or pictures of big wine glasses or generally looking forward to 'having a drink (or 7 hohoho)' Is it very wrong of me to want to punch the screen?

MrsSippie Fri 22-Nov-13 16:29:38

On a positive note grin I've just downloaded the Jason Vale book so will be reading that in a Grinch type manner tonight !

youretoastmildred Fri 22-Nov-13 16:59:14

Oh yes so hilarious that everyone will be shitfaced.

what I find tricky is that a lot of behaviour which, in me, is big fat red flags is normalised by this stuff (everyone making a joke of someone "just staying for one" and getting outrageously pissed, for instance, and getting a 3am night bus home. In my case, not being able to have the one should have been a huge warning sign long before I heeded it)

Either there is a lot of unacknowledged problem drinking going on (being joked about instead of acknowledged)
Or, people are joking about stuff they are involved in to a very minor degree.

the main conclusion that I have finally come to is: these jokes do not mean that when I do it, it's ok.

BrokenEgghells Fri 22-Nov-13 22:07:15

Fantastically well done sorcha. That shows real willpower smile

I hope your day went ok today jellytots .

Got dd packed off today to see her granny, knew I was going to get stuck into the housework and the little drink demon started chattering on my shoulder. So I came on here, read your posts and saw how well everyone was doing. So thanks, even though I don't post at times I do read and it gives me motivation.

Thought ahead to how shit I'd feel tomorrow and everything I want to do would get pushed to the side and yet another weekend would pass me by with nothing done, the house a state and ds left to his games console. Instead told the little voice in my head to sod off, had a cup of coffee and vomit house is no more after 6 hours of cleaning! Looking forward to feeling refreshed tomorrow morning now.

Sippie my newsfeed has been the same all day. Christmas market now open in town so will be exactly the same tomorrow.

MrsSippie Fri 22-Nov-13 22:16:14

Good stuff! Was about to say where is everyone -I hope all is going well everywhere. Eggs, have been trying to message you to let you know my name to be fb friends, but this stupid lap top won't let me! It's all a bit weird.

Just watched Cleb and am getting into the Jason Vale book in bed now, so will wish all a peaceful, good (kotinka especially) night x

jellytots1916 Fri 22-Nov-13 23:05:09

Hi everyone,

Just to say that the funeral went as well as these things can. I managed to read poem without blubbing, hurrah!!

Hope everyone is ok tonight and am off to bed now, night all, xx

HumOlive Fri 22-Nov-13 23:20:31

Jellytots, glad the funeral went as well as could be expected.
Sorry I haven't caught up with everyone's posts.
DH has had a few beers and is snoring downstairs on the sofa. Attractive.
Off to bed after a relaxed and sober evening.
Had a Chinese takeaway as a treat (will start again tomorrow on diet) and enjoyed it because I wasn't already full of booze.

Will catch up properly tomorrow.

Goodnight all.

BabCNesbitt Sat 23-Nov-13 03:30:25

Hi - think it's time for me to jump on to this thread. I've just read it from start to finish and it's been great to read the stories of those who've managed to stop drinking, but it's also been eye-opening to realise that just because I'm "just" a binge drinker, that doesn't mean I don't have a problem with alcohol.

I can't remember who it was who said that they had always managed in the past, after having stopped for a while, to convince themselves that they weren't that bad, really, and so they'd go back to drinking. This is me, every time - I'll binge, then I'll be full of good intentions ("I'm going to quit" or "next time I'll remember when to stop"), and then it'll happen again, exactly like the time before.

I've spent most of today trying to get over a stinking hangover. DH has been away for work, and it took hours to get DD to sleep last night; by the time she finally did, at 10pm, I was stressed and angry and felt like I'd earned a beer. At some point I obviously decided that I'd earned the following five, too. I'm utterly ashamed that I got like that when I was in sole charge of DD, and horrified - what if something had happened? What if she'd got ill? And of course, I've been useless with her all day. I never want to be like that again, and I know - I know - that for me, stopping is the only way to do it.

I've actually got a big trip on Monday where I'm going to spend a couple of days with my brother and his partner; it's the first time I'll have been away from DD overnight, and I'd been looking forward to having cocktails in a fancy tiki bar with them. But I know that I just can't risk it. And then they're coming to our house for Thanksgiving on Thursday (we're in the US) and then staying for a week, and normally we'd go to pubs lots, or have beers at home in the evening, and I'm trying to picture myself saying no, and wondering if I can be sociable and decent company without beer as a social prop.

Anyway, sorry, this has turned into a bloody essay. Will just say hello again, and thanks for everyone who's posted wise advice on this thread - it's been really motivating.

dozeydoris Sat 23-Nov-13 07:54:56

Well, that's 16 days dry. Funny I don't seem to miss it like I expected (but am still looking forward to Xmas when I will have a half glass of wine) aargh shouldnt have said that as now have nice glass of wine on my mind .

I have lost a couple of pounds in weight, despite all the extra chocolate I am eating (mini snickers ice cream bars mmmmm), also skin looks better.

Don't feel any healthier though which is disappointing, or sleep better, maybe it takes time.

Congrats to all though. Very encouraging reads on this thread and helpful advice.

MrsSippie Sat 23-Nov-13 08:35:12

Morning all - up and ready for the day (and it's half past flipping 8!!) Taking dd to have her hair cut - she hasn't had it done for three years and it's ridiculously long and an absolute pain to brush through, so enough is enough! DH and ds off to town to spend ds paper round money - he's got more than us!!

Good to see you bab and doris
bab I hope you are ok today - I remember those wasted days, I used to get soooo angry with myself but just felt so ill, could do nothing at all sad doris you will feel healthier - just sleeping well makes a huge difference.

Sorry to be a bit 'Pollyanna', but I'm feeling really well!!

Have a great day all. x

Morning!

Bab - I was just a binge drinker too. I often went varying periods of time without a drink & eventually over the years I 'settled' into a three day cycle of drink/hangover/feel good I'll have a little drink, except it was never a little drink! And in the very last weeks of drinking the hangovers were so awful that I would medicate them with the last dregs of the vodka, at 11am hmm. That led to a couple of episodes of then heading to the shop... urgh. I don't think this is an inevitable route, I'm just illustrating how you don't have to be drinking daily for a long period to be a problem drinker. My biggest battle is staying sober long term.

I wonder - does anyone else get that feeling when they first wake up that they have to work out if they were drunk last night? In the just awake confusion my brain struggles to figure out if I'm going to feel crap all day or if I have anything to feel guilty/worried about. It's such a relief to realise that I went to bed sober (again, hurrah!) that I could weep. I don't remember this happening during my last abstinence. Hey ho, I dare say it will pass.

I think going out & being sociable without booze can take a bit of practice but it can be at least as much fun IME. I had a quick drink (fentimans ginger beer, no ill effects in case anyone remembers my earlier query about that) with colleagues yesterday, early doors. It was very enjoyable & I wasn't cowering in the corner wondering what to say. Interestingly, but not unknown with this group is that out of five of us only one had alcohol, and she sipped it demurely, lol.

My Facebook feed this morning is full of pictures of people at a party, biggest difference is that it was a party for someone I met when I used to go to AA, so not a drunken mess. I can't say that I would much enjoy going to a party, booze or no booze, mostly because I find small talk with strangers neither easy nor interesting, but it obviously can be done sober & other people seem to like it.

jellytots - glad the funeral went well, I'm impressed you read a poem. Sober. grin

BrokenEgghells Sat 23-Nov-13 09:13:13

Glad everything went well as can be expected jellytots.

Sent you a pm sippie.

Well done doris. Hmmm snickers ice-cream bars, haven't had one of those in years.

Hi bab. I often did that. Stopped for a while then got totally slaughtered as I'd proved to myself that since I could stop I didn't have a problem with drink, only then that would give me a green light to drink most nights again. Looking back I should have realised that it's not the stopping in between, it's the fact that once I started drinking I couldn't just leave it as one or two drinks.

oops I said upthread that was always my first thought for years every morning when I was boozing. The second I opened my eyes 'was I drinking last night or not?' (usually yes) and the ensuing relief or dread at trying to work out how much I'd drank, where I was was, who I was talking too blah, blah, blah. Funny 'dI forgotten about that and now you've mentioned it I haven't asked myself that question in the past little while.

MrsSippie Sat 23-Nov-13 09:21:37

My day is now offically going downhill (already) angry Idiot DH has cycled into town with my car keys so I have had to cancel the haircut as we can't get there - it took me a lot of work to make the appointment as dd hasn't had a haircut for three years and loves it long, and is also self conscious about her ear - basically she only has one ear and is at that age where she is getting more aware of peopls' reactions sad I am Going To Kill Him.

guggenheim Sat 23-Nov-13 09:35:46

Sorry to hear about the haircut mrssippie

Does anyone watch bouncers?? it's car crash tv I know but it's a fantastic reminder of how a 'little drinkie' goes from being funny and daft to vile. I know that most of us here used to drink at home rather than stagger about the town but it's a good reminder anyway.

I'm also a bit glued to the program about mental health- Bedlam. It's very interesting how often the patients have an alcohol problem too.

Some of the recovery books are good at covering that ground between 'one drink won't hurt' and 'fuck I've embarassed myself again'. Sober life is a bit quieter and I've just had to learn to live with that. I am glad to wake up sober and have a whole day ahead.

MrsSippie Sat 23-Nov-13 09:42:50

Oh yes, bedlam is superb isn't it - Very moving. I also love A and E and other such 'jolly' tv grin

I checked my Kindle last night and have no less than 32 books with such titles as 'Get Sober!' 'How to stop drinking!' 'My drinking story!' and so on. Oh dear sad Mind you, they are all really useful grin

Still wating for dh, he has no idea his life is in danger.....

jellytots1916 Sat 23-Nov-13 09:49:15

Morning everyone,

Especially to you Bab, the problem with drinking for me wasn't giving up the booze, I did that practically every day for years (I wont drink today) it was the staying stopped that I couldn't manage. I think it takes a complete brain shift to do this. I think I had enough pain to make me. Years of binge drinking except the time in between got shorter and shorter and the consequences of my drinking got bigger and bigger. I had to accept that once I had a drink inside there was only one ending and that was me drinking more and more and more. My brain has no boundaries when it comes to booze. So the only way to stop getting the consequences and the enormous pain was to stop drinking. Daunting thought I know but my life is so much better without alcohol in it.

I don't wake up in the morning wondering what I've done, what I've said, how shit I feel. No more guilt and shame. Its a bloody miracle and my life has got better and better. Someone explained the madness of it to me like this. If you were to stick your fingers in an electricity socket you would get a shock and not do it again wouldn't you? Drinking booze is the same for me, its really painful so why would I keep on doing it? Do I really think that it wont happen again the next time? Why on earth would I think that? My experience tells me that it will be a complete disaster. So I am mad to try it.

Dozey well done on your sixteen days!! I don't want to rain on your parade but can I ask if you have managed to stay at just half a glass of wine at all before? Why do you think you will be able to do it at Christmas? I can only speak for myself but I wouldnt be able to see the point of "just" a half of a glass.

Sorry your day is going downhill Sippie, when things didn't go my way I always used it as an excuse for drinking, maybe you can do something else instead that you and your daughter both like? Shame you aren't up here as my eldest is a hairdresser and she would do Molly's hair for her, she does Joe's when he is here.

After the funeral yesterday I am going to be kind to myself and have a lazy day I hope. Partner off to football, daughter off to friends. So a walk with the dog and then sweeping up the leaves in the garden it is then!!

lots love, xxx

guggenheim Sat 23-Nov-13 11:20:37

mrssippie I love a good list recovery story. I know you posted some but can you post some more please? I have 4 books on the go but some of them are a bit worthy so a nice recovery book layered in between some history cheer me up no end.

I wanted to say that life is quieter but harder in some ways. I intend to really being to build up my life again next year,assuming I make it that far. I know that sitting indoors drinking has made my life smaller. I didn't say that because crazy ds came and bounced on me... oh well..

jellytots that was a great post. Thank you- I use both the threads to keep me sober and that helped.I haven't lapsed yet but I have no delusions about it. I still fancy a drink,a little. Temptation is always there for me. I wasn't the world's biggest drinker but I drank every day for a very long time,same as lots and lots of women. I was a persistant drinker and when I wanted to stop I found I couldn't.This has been an extraordinary and painful year for me- waking up to what alcohol was doing and how far in denial I was about my drinking.It's been awesome at times too.

It's such a pleasure to go out with friends now. I actually enjoy it properly not just getting boozed up.

MrsSippie Sat 23-Nov-13 13:04:21

Sober is my new drunk -Paul Carr (short and snappy - doesn't like AA)

I need to stop Drinking - Liz Hemingway (biographically miserable but good)

Dealing with dad - Robert James (ever so sad sad )

From Alcoholism to Sobriety - Linda Joy Allen (American, not keen)

Behind the Curtain - Jean (no surname) Also has a lot of domestic violence.

What a tragic person I am to have all these miserable books by MrsSippie!!!

I have been mulling something over in my head this morning whilst battling my way around a very busy Tesco - last night someone posted about facebook being full of people posting about getting drunk last night, in a jokey way and whether this signifies anything.

In sobriety I become aware that there are huge swathes of society who are drinking... abnormally? addictively? I know only a few people who drink in a safe and measured way. One glass of wine with dinner for example. Most people that I know drink in order to get drunk, or tipsy at the very least. Some of these people have no problem stopping after a few and enjoying the buzz, some of them simply get totally shitfaced. Some of them regret it in the morning but many more don't - they see it as quite a normal thing to do. Bear in mind that I'm in my mid forties so we're not talking youngsters who have plenty of time to reign it in when they grow up a bit.

I know that because of my own drinking I surrounded myself by heavy drinkers in order to have company and/or normalise my own behaviour but I haven't drank in public for about two years now and during that time I have made lots of new friendships absolutely not based on alcohol consumption and yet it is still prevalent. Of course it really is none of my business what other people want to drink, how much, how often etc but I do think that there is a huge amount of alcoholism that is unrecognised by either the person affected or those around them. I'm certainly not going to start judging another person because people in glass houses 'n all that!

On the other hand when I sobered up I was quite astonished at the amount of people who were out an about on a weekend morning with apparently clear heads and bushy tails grin

I did this morning see a group of young adults sitting on a wall obviously on their way home from a party with open booze bottles in their hands and was sooooo glad it was them and not me. I'm sure they had a great time but can you imagine how awful they'll feel once they put the bottle down and the pills start to wear off? bleurgh.

MrsSippie Sat 23-Nov-13 15:08:35

I see what you're getting at. It's so accepted - the thought of getting 'drunk' is completely ok.

Jason Vale talks about this in this book - alcohol is only drug that people question you for giving up!

It's all 'can't wait to open my box of wine!' 'too right - you deserve it' 'lol' etc. It's a worry for sure.

BrokenEgghells Sat 23-Nov-13 16:37:19

After reading that post last night I was going to write I think quite a lot of my friends would probably have problems with alcohol on some level, but deleted it as it sounded a bit up myself having only stopped a short time grin. Reading some of the posts today 'how did I get home?' 'two glasses of wine and a beer isn't working for my hangover', I am simply glad that is not me!

It's so socially acceptable which is strange considering how much of an outcast you are made to feel if you smoke for instance even though both are drug addictions and easily accessible. You have only to read threads on here about smoking and pitchforks are at the ready, alcohol no problem despite the damage drinking does second-hand to people too. I'm waffling and yes I've read the Jason vale book too.

Hope you're ok if you're about Sorcha?

Did Mr Sippie survive this afternoon? grin

MrsSippie Sat 23-Nov-13 17:15:42

Just. Managed to get another appointment nearer and he picked us up grin

HumOlive Sat 23-Nov-13 23:23:45

Just watched Simon Pegg on Jonathan Ross talking about how much better his life is since quitting drinking.
He wasn't a problem drinker but wanted to be a present parent to his children.
He said the only hard part was going out with his friends and watching them all turn into arseholes after a few drinks.

Glad your daughter got her appointment Mrs Sippie. Did she have a lot chopped off?
Am sober, present and feeling quite pleased with myself.

Goodnight all.
Will try and catch up with everyone tomorrow. Kids have a sleep over and it has been manic here.

BabCNesbitt Sun 24-Nov-13 04:57:58

Thanks, everyone, for the messages. jellytots, I agree, it's definitely the staying stopped that's the problem (and then, of course, keeping it to 'just the one', as you said, oops!) I've found myself already bargaining in my head today - "well, maybe I can have a couple when I'm with my brother, and then stop after that... " At least today, my stomach is still messed up enough from the other night to remind me why I don't want to do that. It's remembering those reasons when I'm not actively hungover that's hard. That's why this sort of thread is great. smile

HumOlive, that's interesting about Simon Pegg. DH and I saw "The World's End" in the summer (first and last time we've been to the cinema alone since DD was born!) and I was really struck by his portrayal of drinking in that film - it's very different from the "ho ho let's all go down the pub and get rat-arsed" jollity of Shaun of the Dead. I came out of the cinema feeling a bit depressed!

Sorcha1966 Sun 24-Nov-13 09:39:25

Hi All; I'm not doing too great at the moment. Not drinking - actually I don't even want to drink, (which is some kind of miracle) although I do kind of want to be temporarily absent and out of it.

DS1 is in very serious trouble. I am desperately upset and feel completely powerless. I guess the only silver lining is that it would be worse if I were drinking too.

welcome Bab; I can relate to your 'Its not that bad' feelings very much... I think the key is accepting that it may not be 'that bad' YET... but if you don't stop drinking, one day it WILL be that bad..... I found Enid's analogy of drinking as a train journey, with the end destination being death, helpful. You don't have to stay on the train till the end, or even until the station called 'liver failure' 'lost job' or 'broken marriage'; You CAN get off that train any time you like... but if you don't you will end up at the final destination. I think Enid put it better than me somewhere on the other thread but you get what I mean.

With regard to the evening with your brother - try to 'play the film to the end'. It wont be just one or two (if you are anything like me) It will be a skinful... then all bets are of really and who knows what will happen. Start by asking for a lime and soda or whatever your favorite non alcoholic drink is.... and go from there. Honestly it IS possible and in 4 weeks I have come from a very heavy drinking woman who couldn't imagine a single day at home without booze let alone a night out, to 27 days sober!!!

And I feel better in myself and I am quite proud of myself which is a nice feeling....

well done guggenheim; and well done jellytots for going to a funeral and reading a poem SOBER - great achievement.

Hugs to Sippie and muminboots and humOlive and Eggs

Oops the friends I have who drink normally are notable by their scarcity... I have one friend who in the end I didn't like to visit too much because there was never enough alcohol...

dozey I'm with jelly - why 1/2 a glass at Christmas ??

hope the weekend is not too stressful weegie

MrsSippie Sun 24-Nov-13 10:52:29

Oh sorcha I'm so sorry. I do hope you get through this. And you are right - drinking would just make everything a million times worse, so hang on in there and do what you can sad flowers

I've had an entertaining evening and morning. Eldest d came over last night as she was going out and was staying here. All well, she got ready (in a shocking short dress and heels, which makes her about 6feet tall and me look like my mother next to her...) and I drove her into town. Didn't hear her return but at about 8am she staggered into our room wailing 'I don't know what I did last night. wahhhhh' Bit of a role reversal. Poor love, she knows they went for a meal and to a club and that someone helped her into our house, but that's about it. I did the 'alcohol is bad' and 'play the film' stuff - she's not a big drinker but admits she's like me - can't stop sad I've made her bacon sandwiches and supplied tea and water and she's now asleep in our bed!

Bless her. Dh back from shop. I will return.

dozeydoris Sun 24-Nov-13 12:56:33

Yes, jelly, Sorcha, I don't feel I can face doing the I've stopped drinking speech at Xmas so thought I would just have a small glass, so not drawing attention to my non-drinking nor putting a disapproving damper on everyone else imbibing.

Will be happy to inform DCs at another time, but, like I said, don't want to appear to 'disapprove' at what will be a fun time or to have the 'just have one glass' argument.

I was in the habit of drinking a few (+) glasses on my own in the early evening, virtually every night, social drinking isn't/wasn't much of an issue, I am often driving too.

So I want to stop the lone drinking and don't feel the social drinking is my problem (though could be kidding myself here).

Adult DCs are scattered far and wide so don't want our get together at Xmas to be affected by 'Mum giving lectures' which it might be seen as.

And the thought of a lovely glass of chilled wine is something to look forward to, of course, after 17 days DRY. Though I will accept I am probably due a ticking off from other posters here.

MrsSippie Sun 24-Nov-13 13:24:00

Haha! No ticking off from me! I just couldn't even think about having 'one' which is really quite sad isn't it sad It's awful though that we feel we can't tell people we're not drinking - it's so ingrained as being accepted and ok - which, of course, it can be for most people I guess.
Have just been to Tesco and bought some more posh soft drinks grin I feel all stupidly smug perusing the schloer and Belvoir aisle - ridiculous isn't it really - I just have to look away from the alcohol as it's just too tempting.

DD gone home now - she slept in our bed for about 2 hours and suddenly got up looking rather like death and started off home. I had to call her and tell her she'd left half of her things here!

It was quite horrible when she came through in tears saying 'I don't know what I did, I don't remember'. I felt really cold that she could be going down the same path as me. I really hope not sad she is very sensible really but has recently had a really horrible break up with her boyfriend of three years, had to move out of the house they were buying and basically set up all over again. Nasty man -grr- another story. So, she's been quite stressed and this is really the first time she's been out with her friends. I'm sure she'll be ok, but it was like an icy blast from my (recent). past.

I hope everyone is ok. Miserable day, dd2 doing her 'long term homework project' which is involving boxes and paint and arty stuff, and ds just cycled off to his mates. I have ironing to do - joy.

love to all x

Sorcha1966 Sun 24-Nov-13 13:52:12

I could have one BOTTLE - maybe ! as long as I didn't start too early otherwise it would be two bottles....!

Hello all, I've not been on for a while. Day 2 (again) for me. I saw a consultant last week who told me I shouldn't drink at all because of problems I may have in the future. So I did the grown-up thing of having a 'last hurrah'. I'm angry at myself, but don't want to drink which is good.

I was embarrassed to come back on the thread.

I'm trying to be positive about the future - I'll spend less money, my skin will be better, I'll see improvements in my physical and emotional wellbeing and I'll lose weight. But it's a bit scary thinking about 'the future' so for now it's ODAAT. I don't want a drink today. I have uni homework to do so can focus on that for now.

MrsSippie Sun 24-Nov-13 15:34:41

Don't be embarrassed - goodness me, I've done this so many times! 'Definitely giving up this time, oh yes, no doubt...' only to do the sod it thing and start again, 'only at weekends...after a hard day, from Thursdays onwards..ok...when there's a y in the day' grin It's really hard and I'm still wary, but who knows the future? We just have to try - which sounds negative but it isn't - I feel great and want to stay feeling great.

Have just been to the park with dd2 and watched her do some sketching, kicked the leaves around, walked through the woody bit collecting logs for the fire. Come home and drank hot chocolate - the 'boys' are out so it's a proper mummy and daughter time I couldn't have done that on my old Sundays and want to cry when I think that dd1 never got that sad I was telling her how dd2 and I had made cakes last weekend and she said 'I wish I' could have done that with you. You were so unwell weren't you?' It broke me up.

Sorcha1966 Sun 24-Nov-13 16:16:49

That's hard MrsS - but you are fully 'there' for DD1 now - and she still needs you, you are being a great mum to her now...

Sunshine welcome back - don't be ashamed - all you can do is pick yourself up and start again and believe that this time you can and will do it :-)

Dozy I get what you mean about not 'preaching' at Christmas or making a big deal of it. if you can stop at one 1/2 glass then that's great... I couldn't, so I would make an excuse about antibiotics or dodgy tummy or something to take the heat off...

^^What Sorcha said MrsS.

Thanks MrsS and Sorcha for the welcome back. I know I can do this (I once did 7 years straight) but it's getting into the 'swing' of it IYSWIM. Today is okay smile

muminboots Sun 24-Nov-13 17:23:02

Hi all, I'm so behind! Trying to catch up with you all…

Sorcha it sounds like something awful is going on for you. The fact that you have not given into drinking is amazing. I hope it all resolves soon and that things work out for your ds.

jellytots glad that the funeral went off ok and that your reading went well.

MrsS Your poor dd, but at least she felt able to tell you that she couldn't remember things - I would never have dreamed of telling my mum something like that! And you are now showing her that she doesn't have to go down that path.

babcnesbitt welcome to the thread. I love your name!

*sunshine" no judgment from me about slipping up, I wouldn't have a leg to stand on! Just keep on keeping on as they say.

hello to everyone else!! Sorry I don't have too much time. My poor ds is sitting here on the sofa all pale and wheezing. Really worried about him poor little scrap. Need to go and give him some more cuddles.

BrokenEgghells Mon 25-Nov-13 09:01:18

Have to keep this brief as dd still unwell and velcro baby atm.

Sorry you are going through such a tough time Sorcha. Well done for not drinking and at least you are 'present' for your ds to support him in whatever what you can. I hope it works itself out for you.

Hopefully it is just a blow-out your dd had Sippie due to her recent troubles. It's nice that she had be so open and honest with you. You must have a good relationship to be like that.

Hello again sunshine. I felt a bit sheepish too returning after I'd had a drink but take it as a learning curve. It taught me that alcohol does nothing for me and made me more resolute that I am doing the right thing by stopping.

Hope your ds is ok mumin. Everyone seems to be coming down with sicknesses atm. Ds is just back to school after a week off. Hurrah smile

Sorry if I've forgotten anyone. Have a good day all x

HumOlive Mon 25-Nov-13 10:43:18

Feeling achey and cold. Think I'm coming down with some bug or other.
Had a busy but "present" weekend with the kids. DS had a sleepover on Saturday night. This is something I'd have been less keen on organising whilst drinking. Would be worried about embarrasing my son and acting like an arse in front of his friends.

Nice to wake up on Sunday clear headed and remembering everything from the previous night.
Small triumphs but mean so much after years of wasted weekends.
Another dental appointment later. I have terrible nashers. I go to the dentist so often they don't even ask my name when I check in anymore. blush

jellytots1916 Mon 25-Nov-13 11:10:22

Morning everyone,

Hum - hope you feel better soon, Sorcha brilliant, you stayed sober under some of the worst possible conditions, there is nothing worse than your children getting into trouble and you are powerless to help them, BUT you are sober and available for him today.
sunshine would you mind if I asked how you managed to stay stopped for seven years and then what made you start again?
I'm ok today, instead of feeling sad that my friend is no longer with me I'm trying to be grateful for the fact that she was a very dear friend to me. When I was drinking I didnt have friends, just the bottle, so lonely...
So glad its not like that today, another reason to be sober,

lots love xx

Weegiemum Mon 25-Nov-13 12:16:49

Checking in!!

Now back from our swift trip to Belfast.

FIL's partner has only days to live but was pleased we'd made the effort. She was a librarian but also made a amazing Jewellry out of beads she made herself from strips of paper. My dd1 and her bonded over crafty things and dd1 was given a load of beads/fixings etc when we visited.

I was great all weekend - everyone else had wine and I just said no thanks, can I have some fizzy water/cranberry juice etc.

Today my Stepmum gets the results of her lymph node tests after mastectomy, next hurdle for us all.

Day 18 - and doing good!!

kotinka Mon 25-Nov-13 14:40:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sorcha1966 Mon 25-Nov-13 18:16:59

Day 28... I could not have imagined that i would be able to do this 4 weeks ago. Physically unwell atm with temperature and heavy cold , but how much worse would that be if I were drinking too!

Hope your stepmothers results are ok weegie

what happened kotinka? Hope you are ok ??

Weegiemum Mon 25-Nov-13 18:44:51

Kotinka - well, a couple of glasses is a stumble, but not a fall. Just pick yourself us, hard as it sounds, it's not easy, but can be done.

I'm pleased as I was in MILs house from fri-sun and she has a very well stocked drinks cabinet! that I didn't touch!

jelly I went to AA. There are reasons I won't go back, but it really helped me in the early days and I had some amazing support.

Day 3 for me. A good day at uni only spoiled by falling over on the way there... Sarf Londoners are a lovely bunch, I was picked up and fussed over. Falling over is scarier when I'm sober.

kotinka Mon 25-Nov-13 19:05:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weegiemum Mon 25-Nov-13 19:45:22

sad

My Stepmum found out today she needs 6 cycles of chemotherapy followed by radiotherapy.

I'm just trying to get my head round it.