Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Partner won't provide for our family

(84 Posts)
goldilocksuk Thu 14-Nov-13 08:59:23

Hi everyone,
I am a regular reader of this forum but have finally plucked up the courage to post. Sorry it's a long one:

My partner and I have two children together (twins) who are under 1yr, and basically my issue is his refusal to provide for our family. He works for himself, as he always has done, and makes next to no money doing so these days, at one point he was earning good money (when I met him) but not for a long time now. From the day I was first unexpectedly pregnant, I have begged for him to pack in his self employed work and get a job that brings in a steady income for us, to which he ended up agreeing this needed to be done, and even sat with me whilst I wrote up his CV and applied to jobs for him (I had to do it as he said he had no idea what he was doing). Long story short, calls and emails came in from agencies etc. but he never told me about them and instead said he’d not heard back from anyone, until one day I saw him open his emails and there was one from someone offering him an interview, which by then he had missed the deadline to attend.

All I can say is he’s too proud, lazy and has been spoilt, he went to a top UK university and his parents paid his way, and his father worked 6/7 days a week to provide him with a good life. He was never forced to get a job like I was, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have to get up early in the morning to go out and earn. Even now caring for our children rests on me whilst he has a lie in until 12pm each day, he ‘works’ late with his business so that’s his excuse for lying in, and I prefer him out of the way so give up trying to get him up in the mornings with us. He is also very proud and hates to admit that his self employed business that he has bragged about doing to jealous friends whilst they slogged away in their jobs is now not a viable option any more. He has never had to work a proper day in his life. He had it good at one point, when it was only him to provide for, he'd make enough money to have a good lifestyle and he could wake up whenever he wanted and choose what days he worked (if any) each week. His work is now dwindling, he makes next to no money any more and as he’s worked for himself and it’s not a real career he doesn’t really have any real experience to get a job with, so going into a job now he doesn’t have much to show what he’s done for the last X amount of years, and he’s almost 30.

I feel ridiculous writing something like this and asking for help. I never pictured myself being with someone who would not do anything and everything to provide the best life for their children. My dad was such a hard worker and provided for 4 children and a wife. Now I know I’ll probably get responses telling me to get rid of him, etc. and it does cross my mind a lot in moments of anger and frustration. But there are children involved who love him, and he is a fantastic father and I do love him, even though at the moment our relationship is severely strained – there is no intimacy between us, (we dtd maybe twice since I gave birth Dec '12), and it is rare we do anything together, even though we are under the same roof 24/7.

To add to that strain we moved back in with my parents in May 2013 as I knew we couldn’t afford to keep renting and he promised me it would only be for a few months whilst he earned money for us to move out again. Now it’s nearly December and we are still here and with no signs of moving out, I have managed to save but he has saved nothing. I buy everything our children need with the child benefit I get whilst he pays for shopping with the little money he earns each week from his work, and sometimes delves into our joint account so our savings are diminishing (I do have separate savings though). I have been job hunting for him as I have told him he has to work now, and I found one job the other day that basically paid nothing and was part time, and he said that sounded like the ideal job for him as it was part time and when I said he'd be earning practically nothing he didn't seem bothered, which to be honest angered me so much. Why does he have no drive to provide for his family? We will never be able to get a mortgage if he doesn’t work- a while back he said to mutual friends how once I went back to work I could get a mortgage in my name for us! I feel like I’m expected to work but not him! As for marriage, there is no way we can have the wedding I dreamed of unless I pay for it when I’m earning again, which I refuse to do.

I’m so fed up I don’t know what to do any more, every time I approach the subject he just sits there as though he’s deaf and doesn’t respond, or says he will do something about it and doesn’t!!! I know once I return to work, I will not be able to be with him if he doesn’t also provide. I also know I will have to apply to jobs for him or it won't happen, which is tiring when you've got twins to look after too.

Any ideas how I can get it through to him that I’ve had enough?

Thank you for reading if you got this far! smile xxx

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 14-Nov-13 09:09:28

Hes a cocklodger whos riding on the back of your hard work, i suggest you boot him from your parents house and tell him not to come until hes ready to support a family he help make.

Or just cut him lose.

mistlethrush Thu 14-Nov-13 09:10:02

In what way is he a good father? You have admitted that you do most of the care for your children, and he doesn't bring anything in to help look after them - and he's not bringing anything to the partnership either by the sound of it. Throw him out - tell him that when he's got a job that pays for a rented flat / house that can accommodate you and the children and can put something towards saving etc, you will consider whether there is enough to come back to...

PurplePidjin Thu 14-Nov-13 09:10:46

He's not a fantastic father. He's too lazy to take provide for his babies and has no respect for his partner.

What are you getting from this relationship? You do all the childcare, all the cooking and all the cleaning. How are you better off than finding a nice nursery or childminder, going back to work and teaching your children the values you have that their "father" doesn't?

Fishandjam Thu 14-Nov-13 09:13:30

I'd chuck him if it was me. Two kids is enough to look after without an almost-30 year old kid too.

But - could you earn enough to support all of you if he became a SAHD? Or is that not a goer?

Cabrinha Thu 14-Nov-13 09:14:15

Sounds awful.
I think all you can do is tell him you've had enough and MEAN it.
What are your plans for child care when you finish mat leave - presumably next month? If his work is so flexible, he might be the ideal SAHP - although he needs to step up on that, by the sounds of it. It will put a stop to lying in bed til 12 though!
If you're reading this thinking he won't / can't do it - then I'd seriously think about ending it.
But your child care plans might change how you approach this.
Otherwise - would your parents support you in saying that they'd like you to move out? (even if they want you to stay) That might help with the urgency of job hunting.

CailinDana Thu 14-Nov-13 09:15:49

How is he a great dad if he does nothing for his vhildren?

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 09:17:29

Sorry, but I don't think you can. He's never had to be responsible in his life, and to be honest it reads like you've just taken over from his parents.

custardo Thu 14-Nov-13 09:17:34

its not about him - its a bout you. firstly you must think about what you want in life for yourself and your children - this will come with a financial tag

for instance - i would like to live in my own place = rent money, household bill money

practicalities - like childcare - if i live in x area Y could help with childcare/there is childcare facility which costs z

at this point armed with all the information, you can sit down with him and say

I am planning tget my own place - it will cost x. How will you contribute

treat this as a professional meeting, you are two organisations who need to work out a financialy viability for your joint future.

if he can't contribute, and love isn't enough - then leave emotion out of it.

Thumbwitch Thu 14-Nov-13 09:19:10

Another one who has no idea what constitutes a good father! Failure to provide for his children makes him a shit father tbh, sorry.

Thumbwitch Thu 14-Nov-13 09:20:03

Sorry, when I say another "one" I mean another OP, not me.

Roussette Thu 14-Nov-13 09:21:21

Oh dear Golidlocks... this sounds awful. The bottom line is, your OH is bone idle and lazy and he needs a reality check. Of course, you don't want to leave him if he is a great Dad (although you haven't exactly said how he is... as he seems to lie in bed till midday and who can do that with two little DC's...)
Anyway, I think you are going to have to be more firm because nothing is working is it.. I think you need to tell him there is a time limit on living with your parents, I would get him to agree to removing access from the joint account (make him come to you if he needs extra money), I would sit him down and say that if he hasn't got a job within a specific time limit (say 6 months), you can't see that the marriage is going to last. Can you get his parents onside or have they so enabled this by spoiling him, that support from them is impossible? Do they think of their son as a lazy layabout or a golden boy?

You have to think Goldi... in years to come... think of the example he is setting his DCs... total lack of work ethic. I would be absolutely fucking furious if I knew that my OH had actually had interviews lined up and he had just ignored the emails and not turned up... he is actually lying to you on that as he said he had heard nothing... what else is he lying on? You could be on the edge of huge debt here... sorry, this post probably doesn't help, I just think you have some stark choices in front of you. I wish you lots and lots of luck.

TrueBoo Thu 14-Nov-13 09:24:14

He's a terrible, terrible father. A few moments of being a Disney dad does not make a fantastic father.

He needs to step up to the mark - but I suspect he won't do that. In which case, he needs to sling his hook.

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 09:27:08

Goldilocks you mentioned that you live with your parents.

What do they think of him? I can't imagine that they're happy to subsidise and pick up after a grown man who spends his days lazing about. Tbh I'm shock at a parent of one year old twins who lies in bed until midday!

Flipping heck, OP, you have really skewed ideas about what makes a good father! Unless you have left details out? I just can't see how lazing in bed till midday each day when he hasn't done any work makes him a father in ANY way?

He is either lazy or depressed. Only you really know the answer to that one. But it sounds like he leans towards the former. He needs a massive reality check. You need to demand more of him. He won't like it if no-one has expected to do anything altruistic in his life ever before. But give him the chance to change his ways. And if he doesn't he need to go. Do you really want your children growing up thinking that this is how fathers should be? Terrible example of parenthood.

what do your parents think? And his? Mine would be horrified at such fecklessness and would have had harsh words a long time ago. If he is not sure what he needs to be looking for then he needs to speak to someone who can give him some careers advice. Until then he should be cleaning toilets if he had no other choice!

Andy1964 Thu 14-Nov-13 09:57:27

He sounds like a spoilt brat to me.
And no father or partner worth their salt would lay in till noon if they were not working.
I know you don't want to hear it but I think the others are right.
He's not a good father, if he shared some responsability for child care and housekeeping then I'd probably answer differently but you post suggests that you do it all.

The only way this is going to work, and I think you want it to because you said that you love him is this;
His business needs to become successful once more. Maybe in recent times he has become demoralised with the business because it's not doing very well. Maybe he has low self esteem because the business is so bad you have had to move in with your parents.

What does he do?
Can you help him build the business back up?
Can you help him build back his self esteem?

I will probably get flamed for that because it's all down to you again but the only reason I have said it is because you have said you love him, I don't think you want to loose what you have.
If he's not going to do it for himself then nothing will change.

Alternativly you tell him pretty much the truth as others have suggested in this thread.
He is lazy
Spoilt
Crap father
Crap partner
Useless provider for his family
And tell him he has 6 months to sort himself out or he can hit the high road.

BusterKeaton Thu 14-Nov-13 10:01:01

Op could get a job and give him responsibility for child-care while she is at work.

expatinscotland Thu 14-Nov-13 10:07:00

Well, if he won't do it, then you need to and chuck him.

higgle Thu 14-Nov-13 10:08:04

Does he resent the fact that the pregnancy and the life changing event of having two small children was unplanned? Perhaps he just can't cope with all this and is opting out as a result. One option, if he is good with the children would be for you to go back to work and him to care for them. I do appreciate your predicament but the obligation to be "the provider" is a bit of an old fashioned way of looking at things, you need to build a partnership and both contribute if you are going to have a satisfactory relationship. It sadly sounds to me as if the responsibilities of a family are not ones he wants to meet and you may be better off without him.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Thu 14-Nov-13 10:08:14

Buster, if he doesnt get out of bed til midday and OP does all the child care, hes probably not the best SAHD candidate, until he could prove he could look after the children effectively.

curiousparent Thu 14-Nov-13 10:15:29

Him being a SAHP is a bad idea. If he doesn't have the work ethic he will do it badly and eventually OP will resent the fact that he is still not contributing equally. She will likely come home from work and have to do a whole load of things that other SAHP's do whilst the working partner is out at work.

Ypu eill have to go back to wprk, abd attempt to progress yourself.When you do go back to work, will his being bone idle available save you on childcare? If you won't leave him, then you need to accept you cannot change him. The only thing you can do is change yourself. So if he won't work, then you will have to work the extra, as your Dad did to 'keep' your children and partner at home. He's not going to get a real job. If he won't look after the DC while you work to improve their lot then I don't see much that can be done tbh as you say leaving isn't an option.sad

Lweji Thu 14-Nov-13 10:21:40

It's not clear to me if you are on maternity leave or unemployed.
If on maternity leave, why did you stay for a year?

I don't see a problem with you working and him as a SAHD. He'll have to step up and start waking up earlier, and do a fair amount of house work, as far as the twins allow it.
If so, see how it goes.

Ultimately, if you still find him a lazy bastard, be prepared to kick him out. You don't want to, but facing separation may be the only motivation for him to step up.

goldilocksuk Thu 14-Nov-13 10:27:08

Thanks for your posts, I did expect to get a lot of kick him to the curb posts, and I understand why.

When I say dad of the year, I mean that our twins love him, he spends quality time with them and does help make dinners etc. Yes he does get up at 12 but that's because he's changed his work schedule so he works evenings (6 days a week) and does work til 4am at night trying to make money. He isn't on benefits or not working at all if my original post suggested that.
However he just has low self esteem about getting a job, and plus I don't think he wants to give up on his dream of working for himself- as at one point it was going really well for him.

Yes he could be a SAHD but to be honest what happens once the boys are grown up and I'm the only one working? To be fair he's been a SAHD up until now and I don't see why I would have to go back to work and not him.

Your comments have given me enough ammo to tell him exactly what I think and give him one final chance, so thank you all.

goldilocksuk Thu 14-Nov-13 10:28:57

dad of the year- i mean that he's a good dad* lol

Roussette Thu 14-Nov-13 10:36:24

Hmmm.... does he play online poker or something till 4am... that's all I can think of..

I am sure he does love your twins and spend time with them, and so he should! Does he really really have low self esteem about getting a job because your original post suggests otherwise. Surely being offered interviews would boost his morale? (but then ignoring them doesn't sound like he is engaged in wanting to find a job). Well... the dream of working for himself might be just that... a dream. He needs to get out into the real world and see what it's like doing a regular day's work... day in day out... then when he has learnt the work ethic he could think again on working for himself...

Sorry to sound harsh but honestly, it's ridiculous... my DCs have had jobs since they were both 15 and you have to learn a work ethic and it sounds like he hasn't.

Thumbwitch Thu 14-Nov-13 10:38:58

Of course your twins love him! Children usually love their fathers, even when said fathers are utter shitbags! that's why the poor things get so upset when said shitbags don't pay them any attention or, if separated from their mum, don't bother to see them regularly or let them down over and over again.

Please don't measure how good or bad a father he is on how much your babies love him.

Jan45 Thu 14-Nov-13 10:41:32

God, his parents did a good job on him huh, does he actually take responsibility for anything in his life - if he can't now step up to the plate with twins and a wife I'm afraid you're flogging a dead horse, he will never change, unless of course, you make it quite clear you've had enough and mean it, and stop doing job applications for him, if he can't do a simple thing like that then why are you wasting your time, do you want a third child cos that's what he is.

bestsonever Thu 14-Nov-13 10:46:52

While he does come across as a hopeless case in many ways and ultimately you may need to end things for the good of your family, it has not escaped me that you seem to have a very traditional attitude yourself towards the man being the one who provides for his wife and family. Surely, in this day and age it is eaqually both parent's responsibility to provide for their children. I don't hear you mention working yourself yet apart from to say that it would be wrong somehow for you to do so and provide for everyone else. Is that not what you are expecting of your DP though?
Sounds like you grew up in a traditional family where dad worked hard to provide, as did I, but times change and we all need to adapt. If women are to be seen as equal, then they need to take on the traditional male working role model, much as men need to find a new love for housework so that we have time for more work.

ThePost Thu 14-Nov-13 10:50:44

But what's the point of working til 4am each day if he's not actually earning anything? Unless of course it gives him a great excuse to be out of the house and not helping or contributing to family life.

Jan45 Thu 14-Nov-13 10:57:57

Having traditional values, like most of us do have because that's our history does not equate to a lazy ass lying in bed every day until midday, nor does it equate to a partner earning pretty much nothing from a business that is not making any money.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Thu 14-Nov-13 11:26:33

Go back to work and swop your dp for tax credits.

He can look after the twins while your at work.

Viviennemary Thu 14-Nov-13 11:31:02

I think you should live apart for a while. He needs to understand that he has to contribute towards household costs and he isn't doing that at the present time. Is the problem because he is quite happy with the way things are and you're understandably not happy. But if you come to an agreement that he will be a SAHD and you will work then that's different. But it has to be agreed between you both.

Blossomflowers Thu 14-Nov-13 11:43:52

If he such a good dad then what is wrong with you going to work and earning the money OP. He could also continue his hobby/job part time. You chose to have kids so one of your needs to support your family.

LadyInDisguise Thu 14-Nov-13 11:54:50

When in a couple you talk about one partner being a SAHP, it has to be a joint decision.
Culturally we are very much used to have the dad being out at work and providing whilst the mum is the SAHP. It doesn't gave to be that way As long as both parties are happy about it.

However it looks like your DH isn't really taking responsibility for being a dad and responsible for 2 little people. Unfortunately it's not just about him anymore. It's also about you, the dcs and the family. So his dreams of being self employed might have to wait until you are financially more stable.
Did he say why he never went to the interviews? Is he scared? He just doesn't want to?

Twinklestein Thu 14-Nov-13 11:56:40

He's a lousy dad OP. Playing with the children when he's at a loose end & sometimes making meal does not make a good father.

He's basically a spoilt entitled child whose behaviour you are enabling.
He is expecting you to bankroll his lifestyle for life.

Why do you want to live like this?

Twinklestein Thu 14-Nov-13 11:59:49

A father should be a role model. Your children's relationship model is a ligger sponging of their mother...

kennypowers Thu 14-Nov-13 13:47:32

A bit of perspective from a dad (one DS aged 6) for you...
I work full time and am currently due to be made redundant mid-December.
I'm first up every morning, make breakfast/packed lunches for us all while my wife gets ready for work. I take DS to school and then go to work myself (luckily I have flexible working hours).
In addition, I take my son out every weekend to various activities (anything from going to the park to drum lessons to visiting family and friends).
I started looking for a new job in the summer because I had an idea redundancies were coming up.
I've seen my redudancy package today and it is very generous - enough for us to not have to panic (if I don't get anything new) until March time next year.
As well as permanent positions, I've been applying for temporary work, well below my pay grade, over Christmas 'just in case'.
I have an interview this afternoon and potentially two next week. Even if I get the job today, I'm still planning on doing the other two interviews - I could potentially have the choice of three jobs.
I'm not looking for praise about my efforts to find a job, or the time I spend with my son, or sympathy for my redundancy because...
...THIS IS WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IN ORDER TO PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY. And it's what you're other half should be doing too.
Best of luck to you and your kids.

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 14:03:11

He has no drive to provide because he has always been provided FOR. He sounds like a lazy,spoilt,entitled brat who needs to man up!

If he's led an insulated life and never HAD to work (i.e 'work' is just enjoying a hobby) then he literally has no idea of what it means/takes to look after and provide for others. His life has always been about him-and looks like it will continue to be.

You need to stop enabling him. I know you think you're helping him by doing his job search for him-but you're only feeding that 'yea,let someone else take care of it' attitude he's got. Funny how his 'pride' stops him seriously looking for employment but doesn't affect him living at your parents house!

Not much chance of him changing,not when his attitude is 'OP can take responsibility for a mortgage etc when she goes back to work'!!! He has no desire to be a parent or a partner-he just wants another mummy-figure to look after and provide for him.

Sorry-but i'm with the majority,he needs to ho and sort his head out. He won't do it whilst you keep providing for him.

Catnap26 Thu 14-Nov-13 14:10:44

I don't necessarily think kicking him to the curb is the answer here.im not defending him because he does come across as being quite lazy but he clearly had a dream of working for himself and is actually probably finding it very difficult to give up that dream particularly as it went well for a while.he is likely waiting and hoping (wrongly so) for things to 'pick up' therefore putting the 'job hunt' off.

I would say that you sit down and have a very stern talk to him expressing your concerns and explain that as a family you can't carry on like this.

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 14:12:10

Oh-about the lack of expperience in jobs etc....a lot of STAHM have been out of the workplace for a long time and have no 'relevant' skills/experience-but they manage to find jobs and build on them! Your dp has the advantage of running his own 'business',so it will be interesting to see what skills it has taught him...you don't need special skills to file papers and flip burgers. There is nothing that you cannot learn how to do.

He knows he's going to inherit a lot of money when his parents pass on so he's not worried about his future. You should be worried about yours and your childrens...cos i have a feeling he won't be sharing that inheritance with you once he gets his hands on it!

Blossomflowers Thu 14-Nov-13 14:14:51

BUT giggle several people have asked if the OP if she is working but she has not responded. To me it sounds like either of them have much pride. There is no reason why OP cannot work and he becomes a SAHD. It seem some people on here think we are living in the 50's. Woman have worked hard to become equal.

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 14:42:21

Yes the OP can go back to work and her P can be a SAHD....if he can be bothered to get out of bed in the morning.

Blossomflowers Thu 14-Nov-13 14:46:46

flip he would not have much to choice to get out of bed with 2 little twins jumping on his head grin

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 14:47:48

Goldilocks apologies if you've already answered this one, I may have missed your answer - how do your parents feel about subsidising your partner?

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 14:49:46

I agree-OP could go to work...but is her dp fit to be a STAHD? Doesn't sound like it.

In OP's shoes i would tell dp he either mans up or moves out-i would refuse to mother him.

I can't understand why OP seems to want to stick to the 'traditional' way of doing things when she went the non-traditional route in having a family. Those babies need a responsible parent so it's time to suck up that pride and get on with the job of providing for them.

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 14:50:41

That's true. But he doesn't seem to be very responsible, does he (going on what op has written)?

He can barely look after himself, is he capable of caring for two babies.?

Kewcumber Thu 14-Nov-13 15:07:31

As for marriage, there is no way we can have the wedding I dreamed of unless I pay for it when I’m earning again, which I refuse to do.

You dream of marrying this prince who doesn't want to have sex with you?! shock

As a single working mother I would say you aren't any better than him. Neither parent seems to be trying to earn a living wage. One of you needs to step up to the plate and start acting like a grown up and provide for their children. If it wasn't for your parents I guess you'd all be living in one room in a B&B.

Stop looking at him and sit down together like adults and discuss how to manage your lives, share teh childcare and share the money earning.

Noregrets78 Thu 14-Nov-13 16:46:00

OP just be careful of going back to work and deciding that your DP will be a SAHD. Bear in mind the future - if you're unhappy now, how will you feel if you subsequently split up, and your DP is deemed main carer? I think I'm right that you're currently on maternity leave - that makes you the main carer at the moment.

cestlavielife Thu 14-Nov-13 16:53:20

he cant stay up til 4 am with twin babies to look after. unles s it is as you say proper job earning proper money
no reason why you cant be th main earner - if he also pulls his weight.
if you chuck him you wil have to earn money anyway

TheFabulousIdiot Thu 14-Nov-13 16:59:28

what job needs you to stay up til 4am? With twins.

What you need to do is tell him it's not working out and if he doesn't get his arse in gear and help more plus find a job then he's going to have to move out as your parents can no longer afford the extra food and utility bills.

Lweji Thu 14-Nov-13 17:30:05

Actually, if he's supposedly working till 4am on his computer and hardly making money, are you sure he's working?
And not having sex?

I'd be checking his computer.

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 18:03:57

The OP hasn't mentioned what her parents think of all this.

She's not obliged to explain or answer questions of course but I can't imagine they are particularly happy about the way Little Lord Lieabed is conducting himself at their expense.

gigglestar Thu 14-Nov-13 21:11:37

'Little Lord Lieabed'! grin

CanucksoontobeinLondon Fri 15-Nov-13 01:47:06

I agree with NoRegrets78. If the relationship is rocky now and he becomes a SAHD, you could end up splitting up in future and losing custody of your twins.

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 07:49:02

Although I agree with the danger of him being a SAHD, you could go for 50%, regardless of who is at home.

Can you not ask him to leave?

Surely you see that this man is a drain and all too happy to sponge of your parents. I bet his parents are pretty happy too, as it means they dont have to support their lazy good for nothing offspring.

He is not classified as a sahd if he sleeps till midday, is he? shock

You need to take some legal advice.

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX Fri 15-Nov-13 08:06:44

Working late.
In bed till 12.
No money coming in from so called job.
No sex.

Are you sure he isn't having an affair.

If he isn't earning anything for his so called work then why not suggest he just doesn't do it any more. At this stage don't suggest he gets another job but just gauge his reaction to him not actually leaving the house at night. I think that his reaction will say it all.

IDontDoIroning Fri 15-Nov-13 08:12:06

What is his job ? What job entails staying up till 4 am unless it's online gambling, share dealing ( both unlikely to provide a steady income) or doe thing with it and remote working etc which should. Or web cam work which I don't know if men do and if it pays well.

It sounds or me as if his job is more if a hobby which he could still do while working a proper job. The truth is he prefer to do this because it gives him the excuse not to get up in the morning with your dt etc etc.
I suppose while you are living in your dps house he is insulated from the reality of running a household and all the costs so he needs a dose of reality to discuss how your are going to be able to finance running a house of your own.
have you had a conversation about what you are going to do about childcare when you return to work ?

I have lost count of the posters who describe their total waster / cocklodger partner as a good dad because the children "adore him" wake up OP they are going to do that anyway he's their dad. If he really cared about them he would step up. It takes more than making an odd meal or playing with them once on a while to be a good dad.

IDontDoIroning Fri 15-Nov-13 08:12:39

Something with IT

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX Fri 15-Nov-13 08:16:04

I was assuming something in nightclubs.

Onefewernow Fri 15-Nov-13 08:24:17

He is a third baby in the house. Subsidised by your parents now, instead if his.

I think instead of making excuses for him you should be thinking what affect this is having on your poor parents. You have now been living there for six months with twin babies. So not only is he taking the piss out of you he is now taking it out of them aswell.

Have you rung his father or family and asked them to have a word? Where is his pride? He may have massive self esteem problems yada yada but at the end of the day you also say he has been spoilt and it shouldn't be you organizing job searches and applications for him.

Your options are he goes to live with his family and you have a spell apart so he realises you won't put up with it any more and your parents get a breather too.
You get him to care for his children whilst you go back to work.
He gets a job and finds you all a place to live.

I'm incredulous you've put up with this for so long. I think there is nothing more deeply unattractive than a lazy partner who doesn't really work.
I wish you luck because you are going to need it. You would think having twins would have been the kick up the arse he needed to grow up but sadly it doesn't sound like it.

Joysmum Fri 15-Nov-13 09:05:53

Why wouldn't you look for work? There's a lot about what he's not doing but you don't seem to be willing to shoulder any if the responsibility yourself.

I am a SAHM because that's how it worked out for us but when we first got together I did 60 hours in a factory to fund his apprenticeship (as an investment in our future) despite having great qualifications. He has supported me in going to uni as a mature student. We both take the hit in household income for me to not be in paid employment and support our family.

If we were in the shit now then we'd BOTH look for work to support the family. Being a SAHM is not a right, it's something we can do if circumstances allow. The circumstances didn't allow either of my parents to not go out to work, in fact my dad worked 3 jobs with shorter hours and my mum worked long hours for her career until things got more manageable again. The onus is not on the man to provide.

So you can moan about your hubby or shoulder some of your responsibilities other than being a mother.

flippinada Fri 15-Nov-13 09:35:56

I think the op mentioned that she was on maternity leave Joysmum. So she already has a job.

Joysmum Fri 15-Nov-13 09:45:43

Ah, my sincere apologies then to the op blush

wellieboots Fri 15-Nov-13 09:49:36

Joymum I don't think the OP is a SAHM, I think she is on mat leave (she has twins who are 1 in December so that is a reasonable assumption and it fits with what she has said.

Blossomflowers Fri 15-Nov-13 10:01:50

I don't think the OP ever said she was on maternity leave and she seems to have left the thread, possibly a bit shocked that people are not laying the blame at her DP's feet. If I am wrong then sorry.

flippinada Fri 15-Nov-13 10:10:44

She does Blossomflowers. In her first post, towards the end - "when I return to work". She also mentions savings.

chalkythecat Fri 15-Nov-13 10:14:05

He's not adding a lot of value is he really?

I'm sorry, I would find it easier on my own (as I would probably end up having to kill him).

He has responsibilities and needs to start earning enough money to keep you all afloat/in your own property. Yes, he is lazy and I know someone exactly like him who just whinges that he never earns enough but never does anything about it. I ignore him now.

wellieboots Fri 15-Nov-13 10:24:31

blossom the OP has 2 babies who are under a year old. No, I don't think she specifically mentions the words "maternity leave" but given the age of her babies and the fact that she mentions returning to work several times in her posts, I had assumed maternity leave.

Regardless of the semantics OP, I cannot BELIEVE that your DP is so uninvolved in your and your DC's lives. My DD was 1 this week so a bit older but my DH gets her up every morning, does her breakfast, before he goes to work. We are both up from whenever she is up. The idea of him staying in bed until 12 is just crazy to me. And I only have 1 baby. My DB and DSIL have twins, who have just turned 2 this week. My DB is very hands on with the girls and I think if he wasn't my SIL would have a lot to say about it!

OP says "He was never forced to get a job like I was, he doesn’t know what it’s like to have to get up early in the morning to go out and earn. "

I assume she has a job.

Blossomflowers Fri 15-Nov-13 11:23:04

There are a lot of assumptions going on here, if OP came back to the thread then it would be clear. Not saying her DP does not sound like an ass and irresponsible, but in my mind it should not just be down to the man to earn. I know nothing about maternity leave, went back to work when my DS was a few weeks old as had no choice.

flippinada Fri 15-Nov-13 11:28:02

Are you reading a different thread to everyone else Blossom?

She makes reference to her work at least once in the original post.

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 11:29:26

Actually, nothing was very clear, and I think I asked her about her job situation earlier on, but she didn't reply.
Somehow I assumed he was working at home, but it's not clear at all either.

OP?

HelloBoys Fri 15-Nov-13 11:30:19

Have skim-read through this - I know a few people who are in almost similar positions but in the end (not sure how it happened) either the mother/father isn't working/semi working and scraping along OR the mother/father has a proper job and the pipe dream is a pipe dream.

I think in a sense Relate would help (if he'd do it) and a time limit of maybe IDK a year or so? this is if OP's DP/DH agrees to this. if after that things are still not improved then tell him to sling his hook and OP gets on with things herself. It sounds as if she's fed up already. I'd actually be FURIOUS with him missing interviews etc and living in cloud cuckoo land.

Also from my experience of people like this - they do not change. ever. just carry on (like he's done) in their own merry way. I don't know as she's not married what rights she'd have re maintenance but then again he doesn't work. thank god they don't own a house together.

I'm almost tempted now to backtrack and say kick him to the curb.

HelloBoys Fri 15-Nov-13 11:32:12

oh and one of the people I know - dad is scriptwriter that is what he WANTS to do and has done in spare time but he has a well paying or decent paying job because he HAS TO PROVIDE for his family. wife has her own business but supports her DH re the scriptwriting.

and I think deep down the DH in this case (my friend) knows his other career won't really take off but he does it in spare time.

flippinada Fri 15-Nov-13 11:34:34

She does make reference to returning to work so I understood that to mean she has a job to go back to?

HelloBoys Fri 15-Nov-13 11:39:25

oh someone else I know (friend of stepdad) - their family helped the husband out and wife's family helped DW out - they never had a high standard of living but there was support. husband worked contracts, bit work here and there specialist etc.

BUT that only works if there is other family willing to support financially etc - these people have a house (bought, mortgage or mortgage paid off etc) BUT the husband has to work now at say 60 whereas my stepdad is retired at 60 (civil service). The family on both sides (but wife's) were willing to help both ways (financially and morally and IRL) but they'd both agree IT HAS NOT BEEN EASY. do you really want that?

AnandaTimeIn Fri 15-Nov-13 11:57:28

I sometimes go to bed around 4 a.m. Still up around 9 in the morning though.....

I really wonder how your parents put up with him lying in his bed till midday in their house.

CookieDoughKid Fri 15-Nov-13 12:15:30

Hi OP. I think you need to realise you're enabling his behaviour and his lifestyle. Yes, he's not taking responsibility but he's still and is getting away with not bringing the bread in.

There is nothing you can say or do to change HIM but there's a lot you can do to change your situation. These entrepreneural types are too proud and selfish and tbh, they do not get it. He is stuck in bachelor lala land. I have posted b4 here on my situation and have been with a partner who he did not provide income for 3years and fell pregnant exactly as you.

This is what I did whilst living with my partner and subsidising him:
I went back to work and became the breadwinner.
I got a full-time aupair in and two nurseries and i was fortunate enough to be earning and paying for really expensive childcare and all the bills etc.

AND THEN I KICKED HIM OUT PRETTY SWIFTLY.

Because he could have got a job any Paying job or he could have. been a sahm dad which both be refused to do.

It was only THEN when be lost everything he came to his senses (and got a proper job and a really really good one at that!!!).

You're in for long rocky hard road. I have posted before my husbands comments but basically he was too tunnel vision at the time in saving his business to even hear me or see me let alone see the neglect on his family.

I believe this is what's happening with you.

Good luck OP.

CookieDoughKid Fri 15-Nov-13 12:21:50

Please pm me if your dh would like to speak to another man who has been in his shoes. It might help to speak to another businessman or woman to get a sense of perspective. There are numerous definitions of vocational success of which having a business or being self employed is just one. It took 3years for my dh to cut his losses and lose best part of a house deposit in business debt. The only only reason why he changed was because he lost something meaningful to him. His family. Not money .

MILLYMOLLYMANDYMAX Fri 15-Nov-13 21:58:17

Most business men and women spend years doing full-time jobs in order to survive whilst they are building their business on the side. They do not give up full time work until the business is sustainable or that they need more time to concentrate on the business once the ground work has been done. They will also do all sorts of jobs when money is tight just to keep their families going. It is not an either or situation. If he is serious about his business tell him to read Robert Kyosaki (think that's how you spell his name) Rich Dad Poor Dad. If I remember correctly RK sold photocopiers on commission. The idea was the more photocopiers he sold the more money he could invest in his business.

Having said all that, I still think he is having an affair.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now