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I'm the "other woman"

(120 Posts)
Womaninthecity Wed 13-Nov-13 20:51:19

I really need some advice please.

Two years ago a much older colleague of mine made a move at a work event. I was taken back and just warned him the matter could go to HR if he didn't stop.

Back in the office, things returned to normal. He's my senior and runs the team, so a lot of work I do is for him. We had always been good friends and he regularly asked for my opinion on work or client matters. We'd even lend book to one another and talk about politics whilst making tea - just friendly colleague talk.

One thing lead to another and somehow the conversation in the office spilled to texts after work. I asked him many times not to text me outside working hours. He continued to do so. We then met outside work to discuss things and I, again, warned him off.

He then went on a family holiday and would regularly text me about his feelings for me and how he didn't want to let this go.

On his return, I regularly reminded him that nothing had happened and nothing would. I didn't escalate the situation to anyone more senior because I figured that he was just going to a mid life crisis and it would pass.

One thing lead to another and we began to have regularly coffee meetings outside of work, which then lead to dinners. These weren't romantic dinners, usually I would listen to his problems at home and just be a listening ear.

Somehow, this spilled into something more and feelings began to develop. We began to become more and more intimate - but never slept together. It would regularly eat me up - almost monthly I would try to end up but he'd always come back asking if we could be "just friends".

I figured that I could no longer work for this man. He made me completely miserable. I didn't want an affair and I definitely didn't want to ruin his marriage.

I spent months avoiding him then found another job. I left all my friends in the office and moved jobs.

Before I left another senior person in the company found out. He wanted to take him to HR and take him through disciplinary - but I begged him not to. As much as this man made my working life a nightmare, I had feelings for him and didn't want to destroy his career.

I am not three months into my new job and I'm completely miserable. I miss my old workplace and more importantly, absence has just made the heart grow founder. I have seen him a handful of times since I left and he keeps telling me how much he loves me - and I feel the same now sad

I have asked him not to get in touch and just to leave me alone but he won't take the hint.

I want to put an end to the madness and just give us a chance to move on.

So, if he contacts me again, I am thinking about contacting his wife. It won't be a nasty "your husband won't leave me alone" message - but rather if I were marred, I would want to know.

Does anyone agree? Should I just ignore and hope somehow it'll just blow over?

ImTenAPenny Wed 13-Nov-13 21:01:18

Go no contact and do not engage with him,you wanted this affair even if you won't admit it.

You should have cut the 'just friends act' long ago although il give you credit for trying to move on with getting a new job,etc.

I would not contact his wife instead warn him off and ignore him,you could still probably take it to HR,no?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 21:02:00

Your complaint is not with his DW, it's with him. I don't think 'love' is characterised by driving you out of a perfectly good job and then hounding you for attention to the point that you are miserable. It's actually very nasty behaviour & not flattering at all. You should have gone through the HR channel when you had the opportunity incidentally.

You now have to tell him, in writing, not to be in touch or you will be forced to take the matter further legally. Then you properly drop contact. No texts, chats, meeting etc. If he persists in contacting you, then carry through on the threat and call the police and report him for harrassment.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 21:03:40

It's significant that he's much older than you. What you're describing is a form of 'grooming'. Very unpleasant man.

PTFO Wed 13-Nov-13 21:03:44

If I was the wife I would want to know. Its also better from the wife and kids point of view that his job remains intact.

However of you want your old job back...

If he's so unhappy at home it might just give them all the push they need to go their separate ways.

How would you tell the wife? Oh and by the way stay away from him- if he can do this to her he can do it to you.

ThePinkOcelot Wed 13-Nov-13 21:04:14

Change your number and don't give it him. Delete him from all social networks, if you have these, block him etc. Maybe threaten to tell his wife. But just ignore, ignore, ignore.

Catsmamma Wed 13-Nov-13 21:05:19

you haven't really sacked him off though have you?

conversations, leading to texts leading to dinners, leading to??? more and more intimate

No is the word you need, use it and mean it.

PTFO Wed 13-Nov-13 21:06:23

how can everyone suggest leaving the wife in the dark?! I would want to know, without a doubt but Id want prove with it.

summerbreezer Wed 13-Nov-13 21:07:58

Notice how his attention always seems to increase when you appear to be breaking away from him? Very controlling.

You're in this mess because you didn't decide on clear boundaries early on. Put some in place now. Go no contact. Work out your own standards. You do not have to act upon your feelings.

Joysmum Wed 13-Nov-13 21:08:54

You have the power to put a stop to it. By being weak you are giving out mixed messages.

akawisey Wed 13-Nov-13 21:09:42

Not really sure how you can love someone who can trash his marriage in this way OP.

StrawberryGashes Wed 13-Nov-13 21:10:20

If you don't work with him anymore then wouldn't it be easy enough to have no contact with him? Just change your number or block his if you're able to, and block his email address and social network accounts.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 21:14:33

It's not the OP's responsibility to tell this man's DW that he's pursuing her for an affair. It'll look like shit-stirring. If she had gone the HR route originally, the DW would have found out that way. If she threatens police, he'll back off rather than the DW knowing. BTW I guarantee he has other women he's working on at the same time as the OP. This man likes a project.

Womaninthecity Wed 13-Nov-13 21:14:40

You guys are right - it has sometimes hard to say no and mean it. He's sent gifts to my flat and sends me pictures and updates on his kids knowing that I'm a fool for good news.

I didn't want him to lose his job - nothing good could come of that. I wouldn't have stayed if it went to HR - so I was better off leaving and avoiding all the gossip.

We haven't been in touch in about a week. The last message he sent me was an apologetic one - apparently he feels guilty for all that he's put me through.

If this is it and he never contacts me again, I'd happily forget him and the past two months... But past experience tells me it's not. I just want it to end and can't see any other way than telling his wife? I really don't want to hurt her though, especially as I can't deny I have feelings for him (stolkholm syndrome?) so could come across crazy and manipulative?

If there's one thing I've learnt - men can be scum.

Kewcumber Wed 13-Nov-13 21:15:36

Fuck me! I've been the other woman and I've also been in love and neither is similar in any way to what you have described. It sounds more like stalker/stockholm syndrome combo!

He doesn't love you, he is obsessed by you and doesn't actually care about you at all otherwise he would not have hounded you out of your job.

If he really loved you, he would have split from his wife when he realised how he felt and approached you to start a normal relationship that had some hope of working with you in a job you enjoyed and him moving if necessary.

Run like the wind.

If necessary - tell him that you will tell his wife if he contacts you again.

Kewcumber Wed 13-Nov-13 21:17:07

and try to sound like you mean it!

akawisey Wed 13-Nov-13 21:17:31

All this happened over 2 months?

Womaninthecity Wed 13-Nov-13 21:17:46

Past two years - not months!

casacastille Wed 13-Nov-13 21:18:35

He sounds like a self-obsessed arse of the highest order. And it sounds like you want to contact her out of anger towards him, not out of concern for her wellbeing.

Tell him NO. Mean it. Don't engage with him at all. Tell him you'll be informing his wife if he doesn't leave you alone.

You've moved on physically, now you need to move on emotionally.

wordyBird Wed 13-Nov-13 21:19:35

Yes, best to ignore him and cut him out.
Easier said than done, I know.
But this is not a good or nice man. He's hurting his wife, and blithely disregarding your wishes. You've had to move jobs because of him. Notice this..

" I asked him many times not to text me outside working hours. He continued to do so."

This is refusal to hear the word 'No'. A very bad thing in any context.

Chances are quite high he has or does behave like this with other women.

So sorry you've been put in this situation. You've done so well keeping him at a distance, now the best thing is to just cut him off. If you allow him an inch of headspace, it will get worse.

joanofarchitrave Wed 13-Nov-13 21:20:18

Do you work for a firm with an international presence? I wonder if you might look for a secondment overseas. Sounds like a fresh, exciting new period of your life would help you make a proper break.

TBH I did have a slight confused moment when you said 'two months'. Two months?? I thought you were talking about a year or two of your life... If you ever think of him again, think of him with his wife, never alone. Change your phone number, deactivate FB for a while, fake it til you make it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 21:20:28

Really... threaten legal action or police intervention. That way if he ignores you it's them that will tell his DW, not you. He will run a mile.

Monetbyhimself Wed 13-Nov-13 21:20:29

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

akawisey Wed 13-Nov-13 21:23:27

It's easy to walk away if that's what you want. Just change your number, block him, ignore any attempts to contact you.

But leave his wife out of it.

runningonwillpower Wed 13-Nov-13 21:24:17

It's strange. You've defended him in the workplace where he's really screwed you up.

But you want to get back at his home life?

He's a creep no doubt. But his creepiness is based in the workplace and his power there. That's where he should be challenged because that's where he is dangerous.

Get back to HR in your old company and tell them you have a complaint. Let them pursue it . I would be surprised if yours is the first.

Womaninthecity Wed 13-Nov-13 21:26:04

Just to clarify - two years not months. And I've not slept with him.

Definitely not innocent, just trying to find a way out of the mess.

skyeskyeskye Wed 13-Nov-13 21:26:26

Just ignore him. It's not difficult. Nobody made you meet him for meals or reply to his texts.

Delete his number, block it, end of story.

akawisey Wed 13-Nov-13 21:28:25

What mess? You had an EA at work, you left, he pursued you, you agreed to carry on seeing him and now you don't want to.

theunashamedow Wed 13-Nov-13 21:29:16

Ignore the nasty remarks op but have to agree with kew, this is not love.
But forget stirring up shit with his wife or hr (who won't take you seriously as you consented to most of this from their perspective)
Just live and learn and move on. There's a better man this this out there for you. Go find him!

EyeOfNewtBigtoesOfFrog Wed 13-Nov-13 21:33:47

Not only does he not love you, I'm really sure that you don't love him.

Something in you has responded to his tactic of pushing and being controlling and not taking no for an answer – something that tells you it feels right in some way and must be love, or that you have some responsibility and owe him somehow. Whatever that is – whether it comes from something in how you were brought up or previous experiences of men – this man has identified it and targeted it, because it allows him to get what he wants.

He could try his tactics with numerous women and a good proportion of them would have kicked him to the kerb immediately. That's why he's in this situation with you – because what he did worked on you. No other reason.

I'm not going to blame you for not being stronger – he's done a really nasty number on you and exploited your weaknesses, and we all have them. But you can still put a stop to it now. Think about real loving relationships and what they're like – not like this. You can have a man who sees you as an equal and gives you his love and attention fairly and freely as his partner. Or you can just have the same freedom and sanity being single and completely no contact with this bloke, so that you're free to see where your heart takes you.

Don't worry about what you have to say to him or his wife. Just block, ignore, get rid, never speak to him again – and if he harrasses you in any way keep a diary of every incident and go to the police.

Good luck, I think you can do it and will be much happier.

Twinklestein Wed 13-Nov-13 21:36:15

Your nickname is 'in the city' - are you actually in the city because this behaviour is quite familiar. Chasing deals, bonuses, the next pay rise, the next promotion, women, property, cars etc

I think you need to be honest with yourself. If this man loved you he would not have made you miserable for 2 years, and would not have driven you out of a job you enjoyed.

Sometimes people meet and one or other is married and they fall in love, and it's not ideal but it is human. In that circumstance it is possible to behave as honourably as possible. It should have been for him to leave his job as he was the one who supposedly in love with you, he was the one in the senior position, while you were asking him to leave you alone. It should have been for him to tell his wife that he had fallen in love with someone else and couldn't continue the marriage. Once separated he would have been free to tell you he loves you etc.

None of that has happened, he wants to chase you from the safety of his nice job and comfy married life no matter the personal cost to you.

He doesn't love you, he may not even know what love is. He wants to possess you on his own terms without giving anything else up.

PrincessKitKat Wed 13-Nov-13 21:36:47

Agree with PP it's not a mess. Just decide what you want - do you want a full blown affair with this man or not?

Creepy stalker behaviour, lack of integrity, betrayal of his own family while using them as pulling fodder... I can't see the attraction.

Surely you want better for yourself?

I agree with the poster who said you are sending out mixed messages. It can be hard to turn your back on someone who is flattering you/says they love you, but you must. If you were serious about each other he'd have left his wife, and you wouldn't want the fallout from that, would you? Imagine if he left her & you were stuck with him, seeing his dch at weekends... and then you realise that he's a boring old fart who you never really fancied anyway.

Please just tell him it's over, and mean it.

Good luck.

Cabrinha Wed 13-Nov-13 21:50:11

There's a lot of "it just happened" in your OP.
Of you didn't want him to text out of hours... Don't reply!

I'm usually all for telling the wife, as I'd bloody well want to know! But one thing stops me here... this man surely does this all the time. And if he gets caught (he may have been before) he'll trot out lies about never actually getting physically involved. I think it would be damaging to the wife to have you CONFIRM that, because he'll lie and say it's true with women that he has slept with / will sleep with.

I also think you're abdicating responsibility here. You don't need to tell his wife to stop him. You need to tell him no. No does not mean no, then give in for a drink, then dinner.
If he's a stalker - call the police.
If you love him - tell him to leave his wife.
If you don't love him - mean it when you say no, and ignore him completely.

It's to your credit that you didn't sleep with him, but really - it's time to walk away from the drama now.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 13-Nov-13 22:16:01

Yes...you talk as if this is something that's happened against your will but it isn't really is it? He's not a stalker type- you sat and had meals, chats, coffees, texts and calls...willingly.

You're happy to blame him and are considering deeply upsetting another woman by telling her that her h gas pursued you but you've been party to this. If you honestly don't want him, change your number and go no contact.

I think you're enjoying the drama tbh

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Wed 13-Nov-13 22:40:26

I think you don't know how to say no - in a relationship context, at least.

Good book.

Hectorhugh Wed 13-Nov-13 22:54:56

Why such a low opinion of yourself? Tell his wife tomorrow, just on general principles. Jesus.

RevelsRoulette Thu 14-Nov-13 13:02:46

You're not a helpless victim in this. You made the choices that got you all the way up to this point and you have choices now.

You have the option to say to him "I have kept all texts, emails, voice messages etc. If you ever contact me again, in any way, for any reason, I will give them all to your wife.

I hope this is a clear enough message to leave me alone."

Branleuse Thu 14-Nov-13 13:12:28

reply to every text he sends you with 'fuck off and leave me alone'

RevelsRoulette Thu 14-Nov-13 13:18:23

Yeah, or that. That would work too. grin

CynicalOptimist Thu 14-Nov-13 13:21:55

You use the phrase "one thing led to another...." rather a lot and "somehow, this spilled into something more". The "somehow" was you continuing to give him attention.

"I asked him many times not to text me outside working hours. He continued to do so. We then met outside work to discuss things and I, again, warned him off."......but then you go out for coffee meetings and dinner with him?!

You are not the victim of circumstance you would have us believe, you could have at any point put a stop to this just by saying NO!

I also suspect on some level you liked the attention.

Go no contact - simple.

Granville72 Thu 14-Nov-13 13:25:13

You've not helped the matter by encouraging him have you?

Don't text me but you continue, leads to coffee, leads to dinner, leads to......

You are as much to blame in this as he is and now you want him to go away. Why should he take what you are saying as gospel? Every time you've said no, or it's got to stop you have happily let it carry on and he knows this.

If you really want it to stop then change your phone numbers and never contact or see him again. It's very simple. Only I don't think you really want that to happen

AbbyRue Thu 14-Nov-13 13:37:48

I agree that you are not at all a victim. You could have stopped this ages ago not let it go from coffee to dinners to intimate…

I do believe that you want to forget him but it seems you are not yet ready to do so.

Leave his wife out of it. Ignore him and move on.

harvestwidows Thu 14-Nov-13 13:58:56

His poor wife is all I can say !

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Thu 14-Nov-13 14:12:33

I really think that he has to be more to blame than OP, because he has repeatedly taken advantage of her inability to successfully defend her boundaries. He has still got his job; she has had to leave hers. The power is all with him, so the blame should be resting on him, too.

Apportioning blame equally sounds like victim blaming.

(Survivors of child abuse are bad defenders of boundaries, for example. The OP may have nothing like that in her past, but then again she might. Many people do.)

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 14-Nov-13 14:55:58

I agree with Charlotte. The tactic this man has used is described in a book about getting what you want from people. Start small. Just a little bit. If the target will do that, then tack on an extra which certainly could/would not be denied because any reasonable person who did first step would not complain about the extra. Then a step further is an easy expectation because if the target has done this much then it would seem unreasonable to say no at this point. Repeat formula. It is grooming in a sense, it is manipulation, by definition.

Womaninthecity, you are a nice person. Imho, this is what made you a target for this dynamic. You did say no, I understand. But that is not the currency this man is dealing with. This is where "actions speak louder than words" is important to remember. You said no, yet you continued to engage him...an extra chat at the water cooler; perhaps fabricated, work related, conversations to be an excuse to speak to you more than before...then taking it out of the office, texting, then a snack, then dinner. You did all of that..."no" meant nothing because your actions defined it as nothing.

It is ok to say no and "hurt someone's feelings". Do not put your self respect aside because someone might have hurt feelings. Their feelings are their problem, not yours. You may tecieve a verbal spankig for standing your ground, but that is just noise carried on sound waves that dssipates at the speed of sound. That is his tantrum, panties in a twist, a final manipulation because calling you mean may bring you back because you'd do anything to not have someone think ill of you.

Trust me: his feelings are not being hurt here. Just tell him to move on to the next one.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 14-Nov-13 15:03:42

Sorry for so many typos, and by saying "you" in the description of the dynamics , I meant it in a general sense.

Vivacia Thu 14-Nov-13 15:07:31

I think you're being dishonest with us and yourself. You describe yourself as an innocent victim of circumstance but report choices that are the behaviour of a woman whole heartedly having an affair with a married man.

Loopyloulu Thu 14-Nov-13 17:15:43

You use the words 'One thing led to another' many times over.

This is avoiding taking responsibility. 'Things' do not lead to something else unless both people want them to. You were complicit in it all.

It's like saying 'we happened to become intimate' as if someone else took over your head on that occasion and made you do things with the guy. It's nonsense.

Your attempts to push hm away were pathetic and you didn't really want it to stop did you?

If you had, you would have.

Your plan to contact his wife is - I think- your way of wriggling out of the part you played in this. You were flattered. You may not have encouraged it fully, but neither did you stop it.

Telling his wife is a bit like a child who shouts out 'Look what you made me do!' when all along the choice to behave that way was yours ( or theirs).

You are not a victim of some stalker. You had an affair and now he won't let go. Tell him once that if he contacts you again you will go to the police. Then leave it and move on.

Jan45 Thu 14-Nov-13 17:36:32

Block his number, simple. Stop engaging, you are going hot and cold as far as he is concerned, and sorry, but you obviously didn't make it clear enough if you were out having dinners with him listening to his wifey problems and now you want to contact her, please leave the woman alone, she's probably already got a very good idea he's a complete sleaze.

Fairenuff Thu 14-Nov-13 20:45:29

First you say he 'made a move' on you and you warned him off. You say you were just friendly to each other at work.

And then, out of nowhere, 'one thing led to another'.

Next he starts texting you and, despite claiming that you don't want this, you respond and even agree to meet up after work. He continues to text you about his feelings for you and 'one thing led to another' and you started meeting him for coffee and dinners.

Then, 'somehow this spilled into something more' and you became 'intimate' with him.

Now you have feelings for him and absence has made them stronger.

Finally, you say this I have asked him not to get in touch and just to leave me alone but he won't take the hint.

This is what I think. I think you are the one obsessed with him. You are trying to convince yourself that you are doing everything to prevent this relationship developing but, in fact, you have encouraged it.

You responded to him. You met up with him outside work. You have feelings for him.

I think you just want to tell his wife in the hope that they will separate and you can be with him. Nothing else in this sorry story makes sense.

Loopyloulu Thu 14-Nov-13 20:51:50

I agree.

If you don't want someone to contact you OP you don't contact them and ask them not to contact you! hmm
You ignore them.

Your post is full of 'drama queen' phrases like 'end the madness', but equally, you say you love him.

You keep saying he won't 'take the hint'. Look- if you want to end something then you don't give 'hints'. You say the right words, forcefully, as if you mean it, then cease all contact.

The thing is you don't mean it. You have created this affair by encouraging him - despite your feeble protestations that you tried to send him on his way.

Time to be honest I think- with yourself and everyone, but leave the poor wife alone.

tummybummer Thu 14-Nov-13 21:10:03

Sorry but it sounds like you are trying to blame him for something that you are 50% involved in. You told him not to text, yet you texted back. You told him that nothing could happen etc yet you made appointments to see him outside work time. Your actions speak way way louder than your words, and you willingly and voluntarily went into this - you were not some poor little groomed person protesting.

He does not love you. If he loved you, he would leave his wife.

Move on.

Mattissy Thu 14-Nov-13 21:12:18

So to get rid of him you break his marriage up so he's a free man. Stop kidding yourself and grow up.

Trying to cool things off doesn't involve pleasant chats, text msgs, listening to his problems in lunch dates. He's manipulating you and your manipulating the situation to your advantage.

You probably deserve each other, it's his innocent wife who'll be hurt the most due to your selfish acts.

Mattissy Thu 14-Nov-13 21:15:04

I've rebuffed hundreds of unwanted advances I my time, if they don't understand the nice way then I tell them I'm no uncertain terms to fuck off. The message is never misunderstood!

toffeesponge Thu 14-Nov-13 21:19:31

I think it is time you took responsibility for your own actions. You must have known how things would go when you kept meeting up for your inevitable coffees, drinks, meals, etc etc.

And not all men are scum, just as some women are.

NearTheWindmill Thu 14-Nov-13 21:22:07

*One thing lead to another and we began to have regularly coffee meetings outside of work, which then lead to dinners. These weren't romantic dinners, usually I would listen to his problems at home and just be a listening ear.

Somehow, this spilled into something more and feelings began to develop. We began to become more and more intimate - but never slept together. It would regularly eat me up - almost monthly I would try to end up but he'd always come back asking if we could be "just friends".*

So this has had nothing whatsoever to do with you at all and now you want to talk to his wife about it hmm. It takes two to tango. Did you ever think of saying "please don't keep contacting me because I'm not interested and refuse to engage".

I'm really sorry you want your old job back but perhaps his wife wants her old husband back.

All sounds like six of one and half a dozen of the other to me and I think you should both give it a break and grow up and you in particular need to get yourself a couple of new phone numbers and only give them to people you want to have them. If you wanted no more to do with him you could in fact have done that several months ago.

He'a married OP - he isn't available and perhaps you could develop a little respect for his wife and withdraw totally. If he's really unhappy he'll find someone else to take for a ride but why be the OW when actually your time would be better spent getting a man of your own who isn't committed to someone else.

Hatpin Thu 14-Nov-13 22:34:34

Former OW here. Right, OP, first thing to understand (as already pointed out) is that you are in denial of your actions in this affair being conscious or deliberate, when if course they are because actions are never unintentional or unconscious.

The second thing is you are in denial about wanting to end the affair because (again as pointed out) you haven't just blocked / deleted / ignored him, nor told him straight.

You want this affair to continue, and I think you probably want a particular ending to the story to play out, which you are looking to "engineer" by passive aggressive means.

You say you don't want his marriage to be ruined but that is not true. You do want it to end although your real motivation for that is unclear - at this stage I'd say you feel vengeful so perhaps you just want to see him suffer, or maybe you still want him to validate you by leaving and saying he wants to be with you.

You also want others to validate your actions by claiming victim status and that you couldn't help yourself. Passive aggression again, you could help yourself, you just didn't want to.

I imagine that you must feel angry with him about giving up a job / workplace you liked. Sadly that's the kind of consequence that occurs in workplace affairs. He doesn't appear to have suffered any consequences though, does he?

Well there is only one consequence that you can honestly and rightfully bring to bear and that is as a consequence of his actions he no longer gets to see, speak or otherwise engage with you.

Right now you are probably too scared of the "double rejection whammy" of not leaving his wife plus telling you he never cared about you when you tell him to naff off, which is why you need to take control if the situation and go no contact. If you go no contact he can't reject you again because you are rejecting him with no returns.

And believe me if he is a narcissistic twat (he sounds like one), the lack of attention from you will hurt him. He's actually most likely quite afraid of people hating him and no contact sends a pretty unequivocal message.

So drop the contact, have a think about what the script you had running over in your mind was, when you first got involved, and start to think if yourself as the one who holds some pretty valuable cards here.

You are not a victim, and you are not a loser, you've just had an opportunity to learn some very important life lessons here. Think about what they are, how you can apply the knowledge to your own behaviour, to do better next time because now you know better, iyswim.

akawisey Fri 15-Nov-13 08:58:55

Good post Hatpin. I hope the OP returns to read it.

Poogate Fri 15-Nov-13 10:49:38

Agree w/ Fairenuff and Loopyloulou. If you weren't enjoying the attenion you would make it patently clear that this man should refrain from contacting you, you would block his number and would certainly not engage in conversation with him. It's all a bit lame.

Loopyloulu Fri 15-Nov-13 10:50:52

I agree.

I think the OP lives in some kind of fantasy world where she likes to pretend things happen to her, and over which she has no control.

Then she mentions contacting his wife, but somehow trying to soften the blow by not saying he has pursued her. So how can you tell a wife about an affair 'kindly'? It's the same delusional behaviour again-I'll tell her but I won't really tell her..' kind of thing.

Like ' we never slept together but were intimate'. so that makes it all ok? A blow job or hands in your knickers is ok as long as it's not intercourse? More self delusion.

OP if you really wanted to be kind to his wife you wouldn't have waited to tell her now. You'd have never allowed it all to happen. You want to tell his wife because you are mad at HIM for not giving you what you want. You've lost your job, your friends, and have no future with him so his poor wife becomes the scapegoat for your anger and unhappiness- on the pretext that you want to be 'helpful'.

Womaninthecity Fri 15-Nov-13 14:50:06

I come back to read the posts daily - so thanks to everyone who has left me nuggets of advice.

I don't want to defend what happened or what I wanted to happen, I just want out to be move to move on from this episode.

I really appreciate all posts and have decided just to go no contact. A cold cut off is necessary. I'm not going to explain why I'm going cold or try to rationalise it. I'm just going to do it as it's the majority opinion is that it's overdue.

Will let you know how I get on. X

Womaninthecity Fri 15-Nov-13 14:51:26

I don't want to defend what happened or what I wanted to happen, I just want to be able to move on from this episode.

Loopyloulu Fri 15-Nov-13 15:34:17

That sounds good then smile

But in order to move on you have to never reply to his calls or texts, no matter how much he tries to contact you, and also forget about contacting his wife. If you did that, it would be your word against hers and he might paint you as some deranged bunny boiler, who has a vivid imagination over what did and didn't happen.

I'm glad you have read the posts. But moving on means accepting your role in what you did- this is not the same as defending your behaviour. It's about having some insight into your motives then, and now. In order to really move on you need some self awareness of your actions- not just brush them under the carpet.

Are you able to do that?

mummymummymillionmillion Fri 15-Nov-13 19:07:15

Delete him from your life. Move on. Fate means you have had to make a new start. Enjoy it.

GrandstandingBlueTit Fri 15-Nov-13 19:15:24

What an insidious, awful man.

Your life can only be better without this man in it, so you're making the right decision.

His poor wife, who is married to him, is not so lucky.

nauticant Fri 15-Nov-13 21:47:24

He sounds like an absolute nightmare and someone who will damage you horribly unless you make it clear he must leave you alone.

Go to a firm of solicitors who have expertise in dealing with stalkers and get them to send him a letter saying that he must not contact you again. If they agree, you might want to include in the letter a warning that unless he complies, a copy of the letter will be copied to his employer, you will consider legal action against him, and might also contact the police.

You could instead choose to do something half-hearted but you've reached a point where unless you make a stand, he will hang around testing your defences until he finds an opportunity to make your life hell.

Loopyloulu Fri 15-Nov-13 22:36:09

oh come on...this is not a legal or a police matter.
If you read the whole thread and have any insight at all, you'll see that is was clear that the OP said no, but meant yes for much of the time.
Given that, it's not a surprise that the man is behaving in the same way- because before it's always worked- he's been able to get his own way in the end because she simply didn't mean no.
I think it's been pretty much agreed that she hasn't wanted it to end at all. What she wanted was commitment and thought if she let the whole thing drag on - whilst attempting half heartedly to push him away- he might leave his wife.

ADishBestEatenCold Sat 16-Nov-13 00:05:49

I am thinking about contacting his wife. It won't be a nasty "your husband won't leave me alone" message - but rather if I were marred, I would want to know

Don't contact his wife. However you phrased such a message, for her, it couldn't be anything other than nasty.

It is always arguable whether it is the right or wrong thing for a cheated wife (or husband) to be told, but one thing is certain - if they are to be told, they should be told by someone who has their best interests at heart.

That's not you.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Sat 16-Nov-13 08:38:19

Loopy, in a thread of 70 messages, OP has only posted 6 times, and only really described anything about her situation in two of those.

Your "insight" into what you say is "clear" comes from that??

You say RTFT, like you think all posts are of equal importance, whether written by OP or by somebody who knows very little about her.

Interestingly, OP, you seem to say the same when you say the "majority opinion" is that you should go NC. I think that is absolutely the right decision, but I don't think that's the reason you should be doing it, because a crowd of strangers told you too.

In my post of Wed 13-Nov-13 22:40:26, I mentioned a book I thought might be useful to you and still do. Just mentioning it again in case you missed it upthread.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Sat 16-Nov-13 08:40:12

told you to not "told you too". blush

SarahBumBarer Sat 16-Nov-13 08:52:08

Well I agree with Loopy. OPs post is full of "one thing lead to another" which is absolute avoidance of taking responsibility for her own actions. I hope at least you do so now WITC.

Ladylincs Sat 16-Nov-13 09:23:00

Well as someone who is on the receiving end of an Emotional Affair I'm in agreement with the majority, if you want to stop this you will do as already been suggested. Change phone, bar him and STOP playing the victim. You have a choice and part of me wonders why you are using this site to tell all! Are you a mum? do you have a family? If he was causing you so much harm why go on dates in the first place and why keep it up for 2 years. I personally think you are enjoying all the attention we are giving you. You have made me Soo angry, as in my case my husband is in London and she is a a lot younger, but she is still there and I am having to believe its over.
I'm sorry but I have no sympathy as you are not helping yourself at all.

Ladylincs Sat 16-Nov-13 09:31:45

Totally agree with you

Tubemole1 Sat 16-Nov-13 10:20:34

Your post struck me on one level because I have been the subject of unwanted attention but at a much lesser degree. You have to admit to yourself that for a while, you gave him hope and you liked the attention. But he is desperately clinging on to something that you built up for him, and now you want to take away again. It's not fair what you did to him, because he is vulnerable, that is, "his wife doesn't understand him" and all that bollards, and now he thinks he has an emotional link with you that you reciprocate.

A little of my situation...I was attracted to someone at work, and he knew, but nothing happened because we are both in relationships and I now swap my shifts to avoid him. Luckily, he's under no illusions of the situation, and leaves me alone. There was lust for this guy, but I love my partner. That is what matters.

There is a song my OH likes to play by Tom Petty about a man who had to even change the name of the town he lived in to get away from an unwanted partner. I forget it's title, but for you I think it apt. Change your number, email, MSN, Facebook, Twitter...just avoid all contact with him. Move on and find someone who is free to properly appreciate you. Most of all learn from it.

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 11:55:24

Loopy, in a thread of 70 messages, OP has only posted 6 times, and only really described anything about her situation in two of those.

Your "insight" into what you say is "clear" comes from that??

Charlotte does it matter if there is 1 post or 1001 from the OP? It's the content that counts not the quantity- and her first post was lengthy in any case.

If you are unable to see the avoidance of responsibility in that first post- by analysing the language used (I'm talking about the use of the words 'lead' [sic- should be 'led'] and 'somehow' ) then I'm afraid I can't help you.

specialsubject Sat 16-Nov-13 12:00:02

don't contact his wife. She probably already knows what he is like anyway. You can't help her.

change your mobile number. Hide yourself online as much as you can.

before that, send one more message that you don't want to hear from him EVER AGAIN and if you do, you will involve the police for stalking.

you need to mean it.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Sat 16-Nov-13 13:20:23

I can see the avoidance of responsibility, Loopy. I also see where she says she's Definitely not innocent.

I think it is very possible that, for some reason, OP expects other people to make the decisions in her life. Or she could be very concerned by appearing reasonable: "he asked me to dinner; this feels wrong to me, but he says it's just work and nothing more, so I'll look a fool if I make a fuss about it." It takes strength to stick to your guns when you're being told your perception is wrong. Not everyone has that strength.

I'm not saying these examples are definitely what's happening here. They may be, they may not. Similarly with your suggestion that she said no, but really wanted to say yes - that might be true, it might not.

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 14:01:22

Charlotte have a read.....

On his return, I regularly reminded him that nothing had happened and nothing would. I didn't escalate the situation to anyone more senior because I figured that he was just going to a mid life crisis and it would pass.

One thing lead to another and we began to have regularly coffee meetings outside of work, which then lead to dinners. These weren't romantic dinners, usually I would listen to his problems at home and just be a listening ear.

Somehow, this spilled into something more and feelings began to develop. We began to become more and more intimate - but never slept together. It would regularly eat me up - almost monthly I would try to end up but he'd always come back asking if we could be "just friends".

You suggest her perception might have been wrong. I don't think anyone who has posted here would agree with you on that. It beggars belief that someone would spend 2 years dating a married man and think 'oh it's all just about work- it's fine.'

Don't you think the OP was naive at best and kidding herself ( and us) at worst?

Anyone who goes on regular coffee dates then dinners with a married man, gives him a listening ear when he talks about his wife not understanding him and then 'somehow' becomes intimate is either as green as grass - or trying to deny her part in what was, at first, an EA and then a physical affair. She even tries to play it down by saying they didn't have sex- but they were 'intimate'.

bestsonever Sat 16-Nov-13 14:46:07

The OP has to accept that she has given him mixed messages herself and has her own part in the escalation and the situation that she now finds herself in. She initially threatens with HR but then has met for coffee and had dinners?
OP, it may make you feel better by having said the right words, but then your actions after say different to him and have continued to feed his hope. Men and women can be friends it's true, but not if one or both want more, because that is just kidding yourself and perpetuating the hope for more - which will happen.
Are you aware how you describe at every progressive stage "I said ..." but it's what you then did that said otherwise.
Have you dated or even thought about others in the 2 years or have you also put this part of your life on hold for him? That says a lot. Now you may be realising after the negative job change that the whole thing has not been worth it and need never have happened - a pointless waste of 2 years, move on.

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 16:15:26

Ok it seems that some are eager for me to respond.

I'm not trying to play the innocent party, as many have rightly said, nothing would have happened if I didn't respond to him. I was definitely wrong to do that and to let it get to any intimate stage (as one poster out it, whether it was hands in my knickers or intercourse).

All I wanted was advice as to whether I should bring it up with his wife, but everyone has told me not to. I have tried to do my contact in the past and he's just sent me gifts to my flat and left notes on my car windscreen. But, with that said, I will continue to go no contact and refer the matter to the police if necessary. I won't give him mixed signals an just go no contact.

As for my new job. It's more money and a better opportunity, but I do miss my old workplace, but as it was rightly put, it's a chance to start afresh.

I am really sorry if I've upset anyone. I'm not a mother and I don't have a family, but came here for advice as I wanted the perspective of wives and mothers.

I know I'm not the victim here.

I do read all the responses, so thanks again for everyone responding. The messages are very supportive and they do help knock some sense in me.

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 16:16:14

*to go no contact in the past

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 16:21:22

I have tried to date in the past two years. It's been hard, not met the right guy. I'm quite cautious now and find it hard to trust many men.

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 16:27:17

As an update for those interested, he sent me a message last night to say that he's really missing me and can't stop thinking about me. I haven't and won't respond.

payhisdebt Sat 16-Nov-13 16:32:20

well done , you are doing the right thing

Kewcumber Sat 16-Nov-13 16:37:54

if you have a smart phone you can download a call/text blocker. Its a great deal easier to ignore if you don;t even hear it beep.

he's just sent me gifts to my flat and left notes on my car windscreen

Sorry but that really does sound a bit creepy.

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 16:52:56

Does he live near you or has he gone out of his way to leave those notes?

I'd keep them- and have them as evidence if you ever need to involve the police.

You could also photograph them or the gifts just in case.

If he keeps pestering you ( other than by phone when you should block him) then maybe send him ONE email, or a letter by recorded post to his place of work, saying you will contact the police if he continues to harass you.

You need to make it clear that THIS time you mean it- because your history is that you can be won over by him if he just persists long enough.

You will have to stick to your guns because it's going to take some time to get it into his thick head that you are now serious about ending it. And I hope you are because your previous post(s) said you loved him confused

Fairenuff Sat 16-Nov-13 17:43:59

What did you do when he sent gifts and messages? Did you continue to ignore him, or did you ring/text to say thankyou/don't leave them? It's how you respond that matters, not what he does.

Any gifts, just leave them where they are. Messages on car, leave on the pavement as you drive away. Deliveries to your house, leave them out on the doorstep.

If he tries to escalate it, call the police. That's it. You never, ever need to speak to or text him again.

quietlysuggests Sat 16-Nov-13 17:55:23

I don't think he is scum, I think you led him on to be honest.

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 18:01:52

No- she ought to keep them as evidence in case it escalates.

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 18:23:35

I have accepted them gracefully. Once, early on in the relationship, I got very mad and left the gift on his desk. I then sent him a v v long email explaining that I wanted nothing to do with him.

He then approached me in the kitchen at work and asked if we could talk. We went to a meeting room and he gave me this whole lecture that He didn't appreciate my email and my attitude was making it difficult for us to work together. I have him no reaction then asked if I could leave. He called me a fucking psycho and stormed out.

Later that night he sent me a v long email to my personal address apologising and saying that he had feelings but understands that I don't, so lets just be friends.

I responded and said ok.

A few weeks later, I was taken on a project in York (I'm based in London) and he would regularly ask colleagues to ask me to call him. When I would, he wouldn't say much but balently just wanted to talk to me.

When I returned back to London, he requested that I work on a project for him (he's a director so I had to).

One evening I felt he was acting out of hand, he'd watch me as I went to visit the ladies or want to the toilet, so I was v rude to him in front of colleagues. He then approached my line manager a few weeks after and gave me bad feedback.

I told my line manager what had happened (they have worked together for 7 years previously) and he just said that I should report it to HR but he wasn't too comfortable tiger involved. I didn't. I left it and later just felt bad because this man was over worked and blatantly lonely. It's no excuse, I know and if I could turn back time, I would.

I do have feelings for him. I know it sounds crazy. But I know this man is completely miserable, and I can't help but feel sorry for him.

He has no reason to be. He has three wonderful kids, he has a great job. A paid off mortgage. A dedicated wife. nice house. But he feels like he doesn't want any of it (so he tells me, not too sure I believe him).

So, I guess a reason for telling his wife is to make him realise how good he has it. We all don't realise how great we have it until we're close to losing it, right?

Vivacia Sat 16-Nov-13 18:28:21

FFS

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 18:33:37

What? Do you mean you are now going to tell his wife after all?

I'm completely puzzled now.

I think the most recent post about the gifts referred to the gifts he has JUST given you- or that's how you made it sound.

Are we talking about the same thing- are these recent gifts ( today for example) or from ages back?

If you wanted nothing to do with him then other than as a colleague, you ought to have returned the gifts and said they were inappropriate.

His behaviour towards you at work was bullying. The more I read about him, the worse he sounds.

I'm sorry but you have very poor boundaries.

This man is a liar, a cheat, deceives his wife, bullies you and yet you have feelings for him?

Why is wrecking his marriage, his wife's life and their 3 kids going to help you?

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 18:36:48

Stop messing us about here. Either you are completely mixed up in your own head, in some silly fantasy schoolgirl world, or you are not actually listening to anything that anyone here has posted.

You either want to tell his wife as revenge- when in fact you allowed this affair to carry on. OR you hope that by telling her he will leave or she will kick him out and he will choose you.

which is it?

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 18:38:47

Yes, in hindsight I can see that agreeing to have a coffee with him and dinner after work was leading him on sad

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 18:41:01

How old are you and how old is he?

What are you thinking now- are you still thinking about telling his wife and if so, why?

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 18:41:55

No. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I am not telling his wife anymore. I was just trying to explain my rationale behind it initially.

Gifts are old, not recent.

Not telling his wife and ignoring. My last post was just to respond to some questions someone else asked.

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 18:42:43

I'm 27 and he's 49.

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 18:47:11

Oh I see smile

Thought the gifts and notes had arrived since you started the posting.

NearTheWindmill Sat 16-Nov-13 18:52:28

Well, when you're 47 and still gawjus, he'll be nearly 70 with aches and pains and probably very dodgy teeth. I think you need to fast forward a bit tbh grin.

I think it's always worth remembering that a lot of men aren't very bright on the emotional intellect front and tend to wear their brains in the pants too often. At the point they revert to adolescence women, who emotionally tend to be far more intelligent, need to learn to say NO. Not just for other women but also for themselves because in nine out of ten cases men veer back towards the benefit of their pockets and when they start thinking maintenance the wife generally wins.

Logic and pragmatism really and I'm sure that you'd be happier in the long run with someone close to your own age. I love feeling as old as the man I feel - even though he's only two years younger. remembers 40 year old divorcee when I was 23 and shudders to think that I could now be with a man of 70 - eew He was very very glam at the time, rich sophisticated, charming - I bumped into him about 9 years ago and just felt "oh wow, lucky escape - it was all in the teeth.

musicismylife Sat 16-Nov-13 18:54:57

You haven't tried that hard to fight him off, have you?

You found him
You flirted with him
You frollicked with him
And now you fancy him hmm

Actions speak so much louder than words, op (especially to people who don't take 'hints' hmm

How about ignoring him. Forever?

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 19:09:54

Thanks NearTheWindmill, that's very supportive of you. Appreciate it.

KingRollo Sat 16-Nov-13 19:27:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crazyhead Sat 16-Nov-13 20:20:32

Because you never really did 'have' this man , you are bound to have wistful 'the one that got away' feelings about him. These will evaporate to nothing once you are in a real relationship with a man you love, with a family if you wish. At 27, you've got plenty of time to find this - women sometimes waste their fertile years on this kind of liaison.

You are right not to tell his wife. Although the main responsibility is his, you have wronged her and the only and best way for you personally to make the reparations you can is to get completely out of his life, giving their marriage a chance if it does still have a chance. It is too late for anything else.

Obviously it is gutting that you had to leave your job over this while he apparently gets away with it. What I'd concentrate on in your shoes is building your career so in the long term this negative can become a positive.

I say this as someone who was also stupid enough to get involved with a married colleague years ago. With someone you are forced to see at work every day, it is much easier for things to escalate than it would be if you didn't - these situations are poisonous and no good comes from them.

However, you do now have the chance for a break even if it takes a while to get away from this episode - be grateful that you have the opportunity to move on.

NearTheWindmill Sat 16-Nov-13 20:34:30

Sorry you didn't like it. It's the reality of life and from all you have posted I think you have a great deal of growing up to do. This man is someone else's husband. You have been consorting with adultery. You need to start getting a little bit real in my opinion. If you are as good as you think you are you should have no trouble finding a man your own age who happens to be free to date you.

You sound awfully defensive and that tends to be the reaction of people who know they are in the wrong. I think you need to prove to yourself and everyone else that you are capable of netting a man who happens to be free.

Fairenuff Sat 16-Nov-13 20:47:52

I have accepted them gracefully - there's your mistake, right there. You do not have to be 'graceful' about unwanted gifts.

Once, early on in the relationship, I got very mad and left the gift on his desk. I then sent him a v v long email explaining that I wanted nothing to do with him.

Why? Why would you do that unless you wanted him to react to it.

He then approached me in the kitchen at work and asked if we could talk.

The answer to that would be 'No'.

We went to a meeting room and he gave me this whole lecture that He didn't appreciate my email and my attitude was making it difficult for us to work together.

That is why the answer is always, 'No'.

Later that night he sent me a v long email to my personal address apologising and saying that he had feelings but understands that I don't, so lets just be friends.

You should ignore this.

I responded and said ok. - Why? Why would you do that.

A few weeks later, I was taken on a project in York (I'm based in London) and he would regularly ask colleagues to ask me to call him.

And your response should be 'No'.

When I would, he wouldn't say much but balently just wanted to talk to me.

Why? Why in God's name would you call him.

I do have feelings for him. I know it sounds crazy. But I know this man is completely miserable, and I can't help but feel sorry for him.

Here is where you finally admit that you are just as much a wanker as he is.

Leave. Him. Alone.

HandragsNGladbags Sat 16-Nov-13 21:09:59

I'm usually pretty supportive on here but you sound like you enjoy the attention. Do your friends in RL know about this?

I had a friend who used to do this so may be projecting, but she was always the centre of someone's obsession and it was because she had a knack of finding needy men and led them on a treat. Then got all upset because they wouldn't leave her alone.

Then she would meet up with them again, and so it would go on and on and on. The undercurrent was always that she was so gorgeous/wonderful they just couldn't help themselves.

And block him.

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 21:17:18

It's sad to think you have been involved in this since you were 25- same age as my DD is now. I'd hate to think of her in your shoes with a married man aged 47.

Does anyone know about this- friends, parents, etc- and what do they think?

I find it odd that you have let this go on for two years and just asked on a forum now for help when it's been shitty all along in so many ways.

And don't fall for the old line he's unhappy- if he was, he'd leave his wife.

Are you really so naive?

Twinklestein Sat 16-Nov-13 22:30:18

Your post at 18:23 shows that he is highly manipulative & has behaved totally unprofessionally to you. (Quite apart from the earlier info that you had to leave your job). He has behaved with no consideration to you whatsoever.

If he's not happy it's entirely his own responsibility to make the changes so that he can be. Altho' I think it's highly likely telling you of his unhappiness is part of manipulation to get you where he wants you.

He just wants to have sex with someone young, and seems to have focussed on you so long partly because you never let him.

You're really young and could be with some really lovely guy your own age, without all the manipulations and the watching you go off to the loo, and all the nonsense.

If this man does not have the sense to see what is good in his life, it's not up to you to show it to him.

Block him now for good & never speak to him again.

Womaninthecity Sat 16-Nov-13 22:37:19

Naive would be coming on here and not expecting some not so helpful responses - I knew I would be a target for some... So perhaps not THAT naive.

Thanks for the advice all - it's all about no contact now.

Twinklestein Sat 16-Nov-13 22:44:27

OW always get kicked on here, I don't know why - it's not as if any of them are a thread to anyone here. Don't take it personally.

I hope the thread has been of some use.

Loopyloulu Sat 16-Nov-13 22:48:53

Naive would be coming on here and not expecting some not so helpful responses - I knew I would be a target for some.

Sorry but that's not really the case, is it?

Knowing you might get unhelpful replies here is rather different from your behaviour for 2 years with a MM. I don't see how you can possibly draw a comparison between falling for the 'my wife doesn't understand me, I'm so unhappy' lines and expecting a pasting here.

You allowed him to bully you at work- the example about how he treated you after you emailed him about the gifts.

I can imagine he called you a psycho ( not excusable mind you) because you constantly gave out mixed messages- telling him to go away on the one hand, but still meeting him after work etc on the other.

This is an aspect of the affair which you still seem in denial over. Sorry if that is not the case, but you seem to have engaged in a push-pull situation.

You should read Baggage Reclaim which is all about affairs, and also google the push-pull scenario in relationships.

Does anyone know about this man except you?
Do you have friends who know?
I'd imagine that if you house share or live with your parents it's been very hard to keep it a secret.

morethanpotatoprints Sat 16-Nov-13 22:56:23

Unless I have read your OP wrong at no time have you made it clear to this man that you didn't want to be the OW.
Meeting for dinner and drinks outside work is hardly telling him you don't want to know. Of course you wanted this to happen whether you will admit it or not.
It seems whatever anybody says to you, you will continue to see him and have contact with him.

BlackDaisies Sat 16-Nov-13 23:11:50

I think he sounds horrible - calling you a fucking psycho and making a complaint about you at work?? Leaving you unwanted notes, sending gifts to your flat when you've asked him to leave you alone - that's stalking you. He sees nothing wrong in treating women with either contempt or a scary obsessiveness. I think having feelings for someone like that speaks volumes about your self esteem, and maybe you should try counselling to get to the root of it. Counsellors can be really helpful if you find the right one.

Twinklestein Sat 16-Nov-13 23:16:52

I agree - making a complaint about her at work, when he is the one with the problem is disgraceful behaviour.

Bryant247 Sun 17-Nov-13 00:03:51

If you don't want anything to do with him, then pls change your phone number and email. That can't be that difficult.

It's not a crime that he fancies you but rather disloyal to his wife. You played along maybe becos you wanted it too.

Telling it to his wife means you want to breakup his marriage and have him to yourself

beaglesaresweet Sun 17-Nov-13 00:40:23

OP has now repeated many times that she WON'T be telling his wife, and that she will not respond to his messages (she hasn't to the last one as a proof) - please stop just laying into her without reading her posts!

FWIW I don't think he'd be chasing her for two yrs without getting sex if all he wanted was sex with a young person - with his money he could hire a hooker in london. He's just depressed and miserable and this has possibly been some escapism, but it's him who's a bully and a psycho, not the OP who's 27 and a soft touch (thankfully no more!).

Loopyloulu Sun 17-Nov-13 09:37:42

I think there is some confusion here with the timelines.

OP said- I think- that the gifts sent home and the notes happened some time ago. It's not happened since she decided ( or told him?) not to contact her.

OP- I wish you'd come back and say if your RL friends know about this or your family. I suspect that if they don't, what you have missed for 2 years is a dose of sharp reality from other people. I can't believe it's a secret if you have friends, and if they do know did they never try to talk and sense into you?

kalidanger Sun 17-Nov-13 11:52:25

Looking at this from another angle this could easily be construed as constructive dismissal and you'd have a case for the Employment Tribunal. It would be hideous and messy and obviously won't happen but as far as I can glean from your more recent posts that's accurate.

Concentrate on your great new job and please remain NC. I just put my ex on the new Block Contact feature on ios7 and feel better already. Now I just have to keep ignoring him when he knocks only door. This is NOT a normal situation, for me or for you. I have previously been to the police re: harassment but some ridiculous complications meant it went no further.

Neither of us are being helplessly pulled by the tide. I'm in charge now.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sun 17-Nov-13 13:06:07

I think, maybe, it was naive to believe "one thing led to another" in which you had no culpability in the progression. I described a process of manipulation earlier in the thread that could account for how this could get started. But going on for two years boggles the mind a bit, especially as you are old enough to be an autonomous, intelligent, individual.

Sorry you love him, but this relationship is not going to be a winner for you. In fact you will end up heartbroken (may as well get that behind you), you will end up wasting alot of time on someone who is unavailable, and you will suffer lost time again for the healthy relationships you could have been pursuing.

Please accept you made a mistake here. Yes, I think he is probably a serial manipulator and is probably already starting to chat up someone else more than usual...but that is not an excuse for you because you are the one in charge of you. And, I hope, you will know not to fall for The Pity Party again. Not that you would say this to him because you are NC, but next time (and some lines of manipulation do seem to repeat) you could try saying something along the lines of "well, you will just have to put your big boy panties on and deal with it like everyone else does. It isn't a perfect world."

Another lesson you can take away from this...now you know why it is never a good idea to date someone you work with. I am very happy for you that you found a better paying job in the process, but please never risk your paycheck for attention from a man again (no matter how senior he is!). The gossip mill at your new place of work may have you identified as a player, so you may need the Just Say No skills sooner rather than later.

Take care and I recommend quilting as a wonderful hobby to pursue as you recover from this; it is something to focus on (rather than him).

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