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What should I do??

(45 Posts)
Ships699 Wed 13-Nov-13 19:39:17

I'm torn between what I think I want to do, and what the rest of my family want me to do.

I've been married for 13 years and have two DDs, 9 and 5.
I don't love my DH anymore. We've never been very affectionate and live separate lives in the same house. We have separate bank accounts and never spend time together.
DH is financially much better off than me and is careful with his money. We have a central account for direct debits and we pay the same amount in each month.
We have drifted apart and I always thought I could never have the confidence to go it alone. I've lost a lot of weight and am getting fed up of not feeling loved or appreciated. He collects the kids from his mums and comes home with them and cooks the tea for when I come in from work. We don't argue but don't have any affection or time for each other.
I've tried to reignite things as have tried hugging him and having sex.... Thinking the more I do this, the more I will love him, but just end up feeling empty. I feel so sad at how things have turned out.
My parents think I should put up with my lot and stay married. I'm scared of the financial consequences and the effect a separation will have on the DDs, but I feel like I can't live forever like this. I feel lonely but selfish for wanting out. I've told him about a month ago that I want a divorce and he was hysterical and told our eldest DD, and she was hysterical too. I keep thinking I only have one life.... And im crying as I type this as I feel so desperate.

Lulu1083 Wed 13-Nov-13 19:42:45

He told a 9 yr old? How disgustingly manipulative. Poor you. I think you should do what feels best for you, and do it now for the sake of your dd, at least she'll only have to go through it once instead of everything settling down then happening again in say, a year.

Have you talked to him about making any changes?

CinnamonShortcake Wed 13-Nov-13 19:44:28

(hugs)

don't waste your life. Dc Will understand later on life . you've given it your all. You've tried. X

Think about 20 years in the future. You are sitting watching your DDs with their husbands. There is no joy, no causal laughter, no stolen kisses, no brushing of hands when passing each other or pats on the bottom and cheeky winks. You never catch them embracing, they don't hold hands walking down the street.

Now where did they get the idea that this soulless relationship is the norm???

FluffyJumper Wed 13-Nov-13 19:56:31

I can't believe he told your DD. That is beyond the pale!

Cabrinha Wed 13-Nov-13 20:12:11

Madamecastafiore that what such a big part of why I recently left when I did! The timing, rather than the reason. I had been convincing myself that although he was a nasty prostitute using sack of shit, it was nice for my daughter to have her parents together. Then I thought about just that scenario, cried my heart out. That made me cry more than what my bastard of an ex did.

OP, everyone needs affection. It's OK to leave if you want to.

ruddynorah Wed 13-Nov-13 20:15:59

Leave him. I left my utterly dull unhappy marriage and now have a lovely new life. My ex lives just a few streets away and sees the children a lot so they don't miss him as such. You have one chance in life.

Vivacia Wed 13-Nov-13 20:16:09

When I read this bit, I've tried to reignite things as have tried hugging him and having sex I was going to ask if you'd tried to talking to him, and if you had, what was his response?

However, when I read this, I've told him about a month ago that I want a divorce and he... told our eldest DD I changed my mind.

Corygal Wed 13-Nov-13 20:19:15

He's a nasty little bitch. LTB.

Joysmum Wed 13-Nov-13 20:44:42

I can relate to this, but from the point if view of the child.

My mum stayed with my dad for my sake. She left him when I moved out at 18. I knew she'd leave and when she did my dad called in a right state and told me there wasn't any point in going on anymore. I moved back in with him (mum had moved out) to get him through as I was so worried but within 6 weeks he'd got into a relationship!

I was always aware she was unhappy. I felt guilty for a long time that she'd stayed for me and not had much of a life. She was so happy after she left but in hindsight I realise she stayed because she wasn't ready to leave, whatever she said at the time.

If she'd have been ready to leave she should have gone. I don't believe in staying together for the children because the parent marriage is what the children see marriage as. I certainly wouldn't want my daughter seeing a loveless marriage as normal or acceptable for her. She deserves better.

Ships699 Wed 13-Nov-13 20:47:02

He says he loves me when I explained how I feel but I feel miserable and I know if it wasn't for the DDs, I would have left years ago. I know he doesn't deserve to be heartbroken and I feel awful for putting him and the DDs through a separation and moving home. I need to look into the legalities of who moves out etc. as I think he will play it very awkward and refuse to move to make things harder for me as I will be "the bad one" in all this. Sometimes I think I'm just being selfish and should put up with this forever, but then I panic as I know I want more from my life. What a mess :'(

Vivacia Wed 13-Nov-13 21:26:20

He says he loves me when I explained how I feel His actions don't sound very loving.

Minime85 Wed 13-Nov-13 21:41:52

you need to sit down together calmly and have a sensible adult conversation about all on this. I you sure this is what u really want? just be sure before that's the final decision and things are said that can't be taken back. sometimes the hurt that is caused by them is too great.

oneofusisright Wed 13-Nov-13 22:09:39

Shipps699, I feel just like you do, I met my dh when I was 19 and I have cried so much over the last 4 years when I think of how much we were in love and how distant we are today. I have two boys 9 & 11 and feel that I cant keep living with the loss of love and affection or the way dh makes me feel unattractive. I nagged him to get a book on romance, which he did but admitted that he couldn't be bothered to read it. We don't share a bed and like you, I have tried to be intimate but its like we are more like brother and sister. Do you find that dh would be happy to carry on even if he knew the relationship was over, mine would because of the kids, which I understand but feel that if I felt happy then life would be better. Like you I feel empty and at 32 I feel like all my good years are behind, I use to be stronger. My dh was my first love and that's why I know how I should be feeling, and in the beginning he made me feel attractive and like I was wanted and he would be ready to do anything to keep me happy, the way he looked at me. But I have to ask him to buy me flowers which he says he wont because I ask him to, I waited a year before I asked again and he said the same thing and I cried. What has given me more confidence to think about ending my relationship is that last week a guy came to fix my washing machine, I had on old jeans and baggy top, no effort to look good and this guy was flirting and when he was leaving asked if I would like to go out for a drink, this made me feel high and good about myself. DH told me that I need to buy sexy nightwear to get him in the mood. I want to feel alive and be in love, go on dinner dates and laugh. I cant sleep with all this internal emotional upheaval and I am glad that I am not alone but sad also.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 13-Nov-13 22:18:40

I had already made my mind up which way you should jump with your first sentence. Never do something to please someone else.

Then I read some more and I think you should start making your plans to end it right now

Ships699 Thu 14-Nov-13 22:26:14

Now it's a continued rant from DH.... You are throwing this all away.... You need to get some antidepressants.... At least I remember our wedding vows...... I can't believe you want to do this...... Screaming in my face etc
I'm getting more and more mad with the responses I'm getting. I look at him and feel sorry I am putting him though the hurt and stress but I know I don't love him and feel I have to move on.
What a stressful time this is going to be :'(

MistAllChuckingFrighty Thu 14-Nov-13 22:38:22

Just keep on moving through it

Close your ears and your mind. He's had his chances, right ? Why are you engaging with it ?

Nagoo Thu 14-Nov-13 23:04:53

I am the bad one who left. once you tuck your kids into bed and lock your front door, that's easier to deal with.

good luck x

dollius Fri 15-Nov-13 05:10:13

Well, if he's keeping all his money for himself, then he's not respecting his marriage vows either, is he?

'All that I have I share with you'
Remind him of that particular vow while he sits on his fat bank account and you're left with pennies eh?
If you split he'd have to pay maintenance. You might even be better off!

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 07:44:30

Ah, wedding vows. My violent, threatening, lazy, name calling husband also came with that one after I left him. Sorry, mate.
And blah, blah, blah about god. The person who hardly ever set foot in a church, apart from the wedding.

Lweji Fri 15-Nov-13 07:47:16

What you describe in the OP doesn't sound like a marriage.
Mentioning "his" money alone, is bad enough.
Do you share expenses 50-50, or do you pay for the children?

He's probably more upset that he'll have to share "his" money with you when you split. grin
Make sure you have details of all "his" accounts.

SlicedLemon Fri 15-Nov-13 07:56:14

He sounds a right selfidh idiot. The day he dragged your eldest dd into this would have been the day I left.

You do realise that was a form of emotional blackmail don't you? The lowest form involving his own childsad .

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 15-Nov-13 16:09:23

I think what you are doing is very brave. And I think you will feel loads better once it's done, so keep your focus on that to get you through the stress now.

He sounds horrible.

Ships699 Sat 16-Nov-13 08:44:45

Today has brought him crying hysterically.... Saying if me and DDs aren't with him, he may as well be dead, and that the whole separation/divorce will "kill the kids".
Last night as the kids sat on the settee under a blanket and having cuddles with me, watching TV and he sat on the other sofa, I felt sad that I am plotting to upset the home, but it's not a happy home in my eyes and now the emotional blackmail has started sad
I just feel so sad :'(

CinnamonShortcake Sat 16-Nov-13 08:49:18

You'll be out soon. xxxxxxxxx

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Sat 16-Nov-13 08:53:36

Let his behaviour strengthen your resolve - you are definitely doing the right thing. This man sounds manipulative and controlling, not nice at all. If he has behaved like this in the past, it's not surprising you've felt your love wither away over time. I don't think he's honoured his marriage vows at all; sounds to me like he's out for number one.

The DCs WILL be ok. It'll take a little while for them to adjust, but it's quite possible that it will be healthier for them to have you as a positive role model (the new more energetic you once you get space from him), rather than growing up thinking his emotional blackmail and financial control are normal.

It'll be easier when the anger kicks in!

wordyBird Sat 16-Nov-13 09:19:37

I agree with CharlotteC. He sounds very manipulative. Hysteria, hinting at suicidal thoughts, telling your daughter about the state of your marriage?

And saying he loves you - but doesn't care how you feel or how happy you are, or what he can do to make you happy, apparently.
There's also something very wrong with his being 'financially better off than you.' It's a marriage, a family: one member of it doesn't get to be better off than other members.

All the tears and talking of what dire things he thinks will happen to the children, are just tactics designed to pull you into line. It is, indeed, emotional blackmail: try to block it out, and hold your nerve.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 16-Nov-13 12:44:48

I had that "you made a promise in church" shit too. Actually what I made in church was a bargain. And he broke his half.

If you order something from a shop which they don't deliver, they can't start saying you still owe them the money because you promised to pay. You promised to pay for the goods they delivered. And you promised to love, honour and cherish a man who promised to do the same for you. Unfortunately there's precious little honouring and cherishing going on. So sod that for an argument.

XH also pulled that emotional manipulation of a 9-year-old. It was what made me realise that leaving him was the right thing to do, although I had already decided at that point that I must, but was feeling guilty about it. If all a person has left to keep you in a marriage is emotional blackmail, it isn't a relationship at all, let alone one worth keeping.

Lweji Sat 16-Nov-13 15:51:01

I had at least 30 min of exH on the phone threatening to kill himself, after I left him. My sister was with me at the time, she's a psychologist, and she was the one who told me to just turn the phone off at some point.

It was pathetic. At some point he claimed he had a knife to his throat.
That very same day he had threatened to take all of our lives. I walked out with DS within the hour.

Anyway, the next day, he turned up at my sister's with the grand opening line "I didn't kill myself". shock grin

And your children will be fine. My DS is, he understands how much of a prat his dad is, even though he loves him.
Please do not let his emotional blackmail affect you. He just wants his old cosy life back.

oneofusisright Sun 17-Nov-13 18:09:33

Ship699 I think for men it is easy to keep with a relationship because us women feel obliged to do, or duty to take on all the mothering and household chores and get lost in it all. I have felt so guilty about wanting to be happy but do we not deserve to be happy. I spoke to DH and said I really want to split up, he said he knows things have not been right and that he was not able to support me emotionally and is sad about us splitting up but he would stay in the marriage and is worried about not seeing the children. I felt terrible, we are like good friends so we could carry on without sex, romance and all that. But this man has been my family and friend for 12 years but we are not happy, out of lust and need other people around us to get a conversation. Was there a point when you knew it was over. It sounds like you have a battle on your hands, your DH sounds nasty and you already have internal emotions to work through. Do you have family to help you?

Ships99 Mon 18-Nov-13 02:24:00

Its OP here... (Slight name change as i deleted my account and rejoined)...
Last night he begged for me to give him another chance. Literally sat on the floor and cried and begged me. He asked if we can try counselling... I told him I don't think it can make me change my mind. He's been extra nice this weekend... Even our DD who is 9 said tonight "hasn't Daddy been lovely this weekend"... How awful is that she noticed he is usually not nice on a weekend! sad

I feel angry that I've been ignored and dismissed for months/ years and now I've become brave enough to make a decision, he is crawling around me, promising the world.
Tonight he mentioned counselling but said if I don't think it's going to change my mind, then it's to expensive to waste our money on it.... Nice eh!
My parents are angry with my decision, saying they think I might live to regret leaving and what happens if the DDs don't want to live in the new home I plan to move to. Then I may loose them.... I've told them I can't live like this forever.... And have been angry that they have added more conflict into an already difficult decision. He has been trying to hug me tonight and I've asked him not to. I feel suffocated by this change in his behaviour.... I woke up on Thursday to him giving me a kiss before he went to work. WTF! After all the discussions we had the night before.
I'm all cried out :'(

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 18-Nov-13 09:32:59

Sometimes you have to have the courage of your convictions, ignore everyone else and do what needs to be done to make your life work. You knew your parents wouldn't be supportive so that shouldn't be a surprise. A pity, but not a shock. He's clearly not going to cooperate so you have to side-step him best you can. I strongly recommend you keep your eye on your real goal.. independence... and get legal advice. Good luck and stay strong.

Lweji Mon 18-Nov-13 10:29:37

Ships, don't be fooled.
His attempts at wooing you, like trying to hug you and waking you up with a kiss are still abusive.
It's not him trying to be nice. It's him imposing on you.

As Cogito said, ignore him and your parents.

You know you've made the right decision. You are the one living your life. Not them.

TwistingPassage Mon 18-Nov-13 10:55:10

I am so sorry that things are so tricky for you ships. Your H sounds manipulative and emotionally abusive. I also sorry that you parents are giving you so little support. Are they aware of the the extent of the misery he has inflicted on you?

I would not worry too much about your dd's being worse off without him. It sounds like the house is a very unpleasant place to be and their mum is very unhappy. How can keeping the family together be in their best interests if this the the price you have to pay?

Get some legal advice urgently and start finding somewhere to move to.

Ships99 Sun 24-Nov-13 06:30:42

I have a solicitors appointment on Monday to discuss the financial and practicalities of a divorce. But since last week, DH has been overly nice. I mean, unrecognisable from his norm. I'm mad that he has never been capable of demonstrating affection to me for a decade, and now he is cornered and threatened with divorce, he's pulling out all the stops. Our eldest DD said "why is Daddy being so nice?"
That's made me cry. Crying because I though the DDs didn't see what he was like as DH is usually quite nice to them. The new DH attitude is suffocating a little, the holding of my leg while driving... Il do that.... Do you want my coat... ill carry tht for you... Running after me... Ill bath the kids etc etc... All things he has never done before.
And now the stupid side of me is doubting my divorce plan. He is manipulating me again and the sensible me knows his new attitude isn't the real him and its not sustainable... But it's what I've wanted him to be like for months, if not years, and now I'm brave enough to decide what I'm going to do... How dare he try to change now it's too late sad

ZombieMojaveWonderer Sun 24-Nov-13 07:24:46

You say you feel you can't live like this forever so don't! You know you can't so you really don't have any other choice but to get divorced. It's going to be difficult but a few months down the line you will be so glad you did. The kids will get over it and so will your husband.

TwistingPassage Sun 24-Nov-13 21:39:24

He is clearly trying to manipulate you into changing your course of action. It would be more honest if he remained angry with you and cried/begged.
I guess he is acting like this because he thinks you are dumb, and his being nice will gloss over the years of shit he has dished out to you.
It's your call OP as to whether to believe it's a genuine change.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Mon 25-Nov-13 04:28:59

Oh, Ships, I totally, totally get that. I had (and still have) the same thing. Once I said enough was enough and I was leaving, he started being overly attentive and solicitous.

I thought, really? After all these years of me not being happy and him ignoring that and telling me it's me with the problem, now that he's losing his comfy set-up he decides it's time to change?

And also: was change really that simple, all along?

It is a real kick in the teeth. But yes, also something I wanted to believe in. I did go back the first time, but felt suffocated again within two days and it only lasted six weeks!

At one stage while we were separated but living together, he did say, "I've been nothing but nice to you for five months now and it's a bit galling when you do nothing to respond!" hmm Which helpfully showed him up for the idiot he still was. grin

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Mon 25-Nov-13 04:30:40

Context: we'd been married over ten years!

Ships99 Tue 27-May-14 19:45:42

Just an update.... I left him. Bought a new house, moved in 8 weeks ago. Never been happier. My 9year old dd said she thinks I'm lots happier now than before (and I thought the kids didn't notice how I felt!)
We do shared care so the kids do see lots of their dad too.
Can't believe I did it! And I adore my new home smile

trappedinsuburbia Tue 27-May-14 23:03:32

Congratulations, I hope you have a great time in your new home. Great to hear a happy update.

Joysmum Tue 27-May-14 23:17:03

I like very much. It was amazing to see my mum come out of herself when she left my dad and I realised just how dragged down she'd been by being in a marriage that wasn't right because they didn't really love each other.

Can't say this'll be the case for you but my mum dad, and step mum are close friends. We, and all my step siblings all spend every occasion together as one big extended family and my step siblings have taken to my mum as much as I have to my step mum.

Life is so much better for everybody. I hope that all your family and your ex find this too.

onionlove Tue 27-May-14 23:36:27

Lovely to read this good on you for sticking to your guns, enjoy your new happy life. X

GatoradeMeBitch Tue 27-May-14 23:41:53

Great! Well done OP!

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