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"You'll never find anyone with two children"

(104 Posts)
NickysMam Mon 11-Nov-13 23:48:40

Said soon to be exH.

I posted a thread (or was it a reply?) that I left H when I was 17 weeks pregnant with my 2 year old DS due to emotional and physical abuse.

So I'm pregnant with DC2 and naturally we talk but only to do with DS and the pregnancy.

Today out of nowhere, he said on the phone "well, I'm laughing because I know for a fact that you'll never find anyone with two children. No man would go there, so enjoy the single life! And don't think you can crawl back to me either *hangs up*"

I will admit, I felt like absolute shit. I've never really thought about it as it's too soon after leaving but the fact may still remain.

Am I really destined to a life of loneliness (well not really I have my beautiful children, but you know what I mean)?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 23:50:38

huh ?

Did he mean that you will never find anyone who will take on your two children ?

What utter shit

I see people all around me, every single day, living in blended families etc

Why are you even having these conversations with him ?

Just tell him to shut the fuck up

SPsDoesntLikeChaffingFishnets Mon 11-Nov-13 23:51:08

My mum found someone and she had 5 children.

Ignore him, he wants you to feel shit. Tell him you would rather be alone than with him.

MirandaWest Mon 11-Nov-13 23:51:33

He's trying to hurt you.

I have two children and have been going out with a lovely man for the past 18 months. His XW told him that no one would ever want him. This was also untrue.

You may want to find someone else, you may not. But having two children definitely does not rule you out.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:52:52

No no no!!!

Omg! You're well rid of that twunt!

You will find someone when the times right. Take care of yourself & your dc. I will all fall into place when the times right.

NickysMam Mon 11-Nov-13 23:54:52

Horrendous typing. I left while I was 17 weeks pregnant (I'm 22 weeks now) and I left with DS in tow.

BearsBeetsBattlestarGalactica Mon 11-Nov-13 23:55:41

I have two children and have been with my lovely bf for nearly 9 months.

Your ex is talking out of his arse.

Bumblequeen Mon 11-Nov-13 23:56:08

What an awful thing to say.

The very same thing was said to my mum by a woman when we were toddlers and my df walked out of their relationship.

As a young mother she believed every word of it. She went on to meet men who were not willing to take on the whole package. Words are so powerful.

Llareggub Mon 11-Nov-13 23:56:40

I have two DCs and I separated from my exH nearly 2 years ago. I certainly haven't been short of male company since then. Admittedly a few of them weren't keen on stepfather hood but then I didn't want them for that. I've enjoyed finding out what I want from a relationship, and it has been excellent fun. Sometimes the best bit is just flirting with men in pubs and feeling desirable again, away from a dodgy marriage. I have pretty much loved my new single life. I've bet a potential good chap now though. ;-)

NickysMam Mon 11-Nov-13 23:56:51

thank you for your replies.

I never thought about it because it's not. priority for me but it did hurt when he said it.

I know people who have gotten in relationships with more than two children but it still made me feel like "oh gosh, what if he's right?"

One thing I know, is that I am well rid of him!

Cabrinha Mon 11-Nov-13 23:56:57

What a shit, and what a crock of shit!

I recently joined and found I was only interested in approaches from men with kids as they'd understand my life more - and there were LOADS. The majority who contacted me had kids.

Met a guy locally, I have one, he has one. It's great! I love us hanging out as a 4some as much as I do the dates when it's just us. I fell in love with him (ssssshhhhh, haven't told him yet!) the first day he brought his son along, because I saw different, wonderful, qualities.

That's not to say a childless man won't fall for you too... but just wanted to share that I PREFERRED men with kids!

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 23:58:59

Stop having these sorts of conversation with him

When he starts, just cut him off without saying a word

My List; my Gran, had my Mum when she met my other GF; my friend who met a lovely man while sprogged up; my family member with 2 kids and a new DH and baby; more I could mention.

To misquote Churchill... your children will eventually leave home but he will always be a twunt.

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 12-Nov-13 00:01:50

He's talking absolute rubbish. When the time comes and you have healed, you will find that there are plenty of men out there.

I know. I've

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 00:02:20

ahh Cabrina I'm happy for you!

I'll ignore his comments from now on. Good thing he hung up cause I probably would've given him the satisfaction.

I'm still focusing on getting ny children's and my life back on track so I'm not looking for a relationship but it's definitely reassuring to know that it's not over for me!

thank you all xx

Bumblequeen Tue 12-Nov-13 00:02:42

I am so glad that there are positive stories on here about women meeting men when they have children from previous relationships.

For years I wondered how my dm's life would have turned out if she were single and childless. For years I blamed myself for the life she lived. Either the men wanted her and not us or they generally treated her badly sad

NonnoMum Tue 12-Nov-13 00:03:33

You deserve better.

You'll raise those babies to be the best they can be.

How dare he? He's speaking to the mother of his children.

Your children deserve better than that, and IF (and it's only an if), you don't have a serious relationship again, you KNOW that NO partner is better than such an awful partner.

CosmicDespot Tue 12-Nov-13 00:04:12

My DM met my DF when she had three young sons. Has your XH never heard of step relatives? He sounds either very stupid or very nasty.

BOF Tue 12-Nov-13 00:05:36

Not at all!

If you are a woman who has got her shit together and is confident with an independent life, it's no barrier to the right kind of bloke.

My youngest is disabled, even, but it didn't stop DP of eight years falling in love with me.

Don't let your ex bully you.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 12-Nov-13 00:05:48

But he will also have two children confused

So presumably his stupid dickhead comment applies equally to his own circumstances?

Except in his case there are far more pressing problems than the children.

"You'll never find anyone while you are such an objectionable wanker."

BerstieSpotts Tue 12-Nov-13 00:06:36

He means that no man like him would go near someone with two children. Which is nice. At least you have a good twat filter grin Good riddance!

longjane Tue 12-Nov-13 00:08:19

No sure how old your ex is
But have you thought how many single childless women want to go with a father of 2 ?

BlatantRedhead Tue 12-Nov-13 00:09:29

He's talking utter bollocks and trying to manipulate you into going back to him. From his choice of words I think he wants you 'crawling' back.

Blended families are everywhere you look these days. He's clearly living pretty far back in the last century, when there was stigma around separating from your child's other parent and moving on to someone else.

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 00:11:11

Berstiespotts good way to look at it. I'd rather be single than meet another man like him.

JoinYourPlayfellows my mum said the same thing. Unless he's already dropping hints that he's not interesting?

BOF I'm happy for you and it's so good to read that too!

I'm kind of blush at my insecurities really, but I was with him for almost 5 years and I dread going back into dating and he almost put me off the idea!

BlatantRedhead Tue 12-Nov-13 00:12:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 00:12:49

He's 26 longjane and I'm 22

BlameItOnTheBogey Tue 12-Nov-13 00:13:10

What he means is that you won't find anyone like him. Which by the sounds of it is a really good thing.

My sister found the most amazing man ever with two very small kids in tow. He's super handsome, really kind and has been the best father the children could ever have wanted (the birth father disappeared off into the sunset). The kids are now at uni and he and my sister have one of the best relationships of any couple I know.

KissesBreakingWave Tue 12-Nov-13 00:13:59

Pfft. DGF has two littluns. Far too early days for me to have met 'em yet, but what manner of pillock would I have to be with three grown offspring of my own to be ruling out possible partners due to the number of kids they had?

Arrant nonsense.

Unless they were really ugly, or smelt, or were Young Conservatives or something.

BerstieSpotts Tue 12-Nov-13 00:17:20

Fantastic smile You have your whole life ahead of you! Concentrate on you, concentrate on DC, leave him to float around in the shit soup he's created. In fact I wouldn't even bother talking to him unless it's very businesslike, to make arrangements for DC1 or sort out practical things for DC2.

EHoneybadger Tue 12-Nov-13 00:18:02

No, he is wrong. Very wrong.

So many women go on to have deeply loving, fulfilled relationships with any number of children and any amount of baggage.

What will make you vulnerable is any feeling of inadequacy or low self esteem. Do not let him chip away at your boundaries or your values and DO NOT compromise on what you need or deserve just because he has made you afraid with his horrible words.

I am speaking from painful (and wonderful) experience. I have gone through some horrid relationships because I was afraid I couldn't do better. It was only when I started to value myself I finally found a good one. I am now in a lovely relationship and very happy but only after a lot of heartache.

You know all the stuff about being on your own, liking yourself? Well, news flash, it is right but I didn't understand it for years. What I finally realised is it means get yourself to a place where you are not afraid to walk away. Walk away from anything. Even the most romantic, connected, floaty love affair you have ever had if it suddenly stops and you feel confused and unhappy you need to be brave enough to walk away. It doesn't mean don't try, it just means stop trying if you are being taking for an idiot.

Sorry, I don't think I am explaining that very well. I think basically what I am trying to say is you will not be on your own. There are lots of lovely men brave, loving and capable enough to take on a family (some with children of their own so you might have to do done compromising and accommodating too). There are also some nasty predators who will take advantage of somebody who is a little fragile emotionally. Often the nastier ones can be totally adorable early on then suddenly change and leave you chasing after the dream they spun you and making you feel like it is your fault it has disappeared.

Look for the good ones and try always to be brave enough to walk away from the ones where it isn't working. You don't need to know why or whose fault, just walk.

Sorry, I hope this isn't TOO rambley, it is what I wish somebody had told me years ago. It may not be at all relevant to you so feel free to ignore.

I really hope everything works out and you find somebody lovely. smile

Rubbish! He KNOWS you will find better. Sad and mean man you got rid of there. Say nothing, don't rise to it and carry on making your life better. A happy life is the best revenge.

I had similar, hidden behind false, sickly sympathy.

He called round one day (one of those who would never agree to set times for contact) about 2 years (and three girlfriends) later to find me getting ready to go out, my kids at friends for the night. The look on his face and the stutter in his voice when he realised I was going on a date. And not a first date. And I was being picked up (so if he didn't mind could he make himself scarce, if that wasn't to much trouble)
When I was picked up an hour later (by my now lovely DH) he was still parked up down the street. Weirdo.

I was 32 when we split, 2 preteen boys and thought that was it. I was sooo wrong. The 2 years I was single I forged the start of a good career, lost weight, made a strong circle of friends and gained so much confidence that he had sapped out of me. The rest was icing.

Ps, that was 15 years ago. And I still remember how sweet it was smile

EHoneybadger Tue 12-Nov-13 00:22:53

Ha, took me ages to type that and now I have read back it is obvious you are light years ahead of where I was back then already.

You'll be fine. Your children are really lucky to have such a together mum. Agree with everything everybody else has written too. smile

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 00:25:57

Thank you Berstiespotts, I shall continue to do that.

Ehoney thank you so much for that, it's definitely made me realise something also (why I held on to the marriage for so long). You're definitely right.

I really do appreciate all your responses and advice!!

I didn't expect to hear this many positive stories if I'm honest, but I'm so glad I asked otherwise ExH words would've haunted me for a very long time and maybe I would've just 'taken what I was given' because 'thank God, someone is interested in me!'

CanucksoontobeinLondon Tue 12-Nov-13 00:28:36

That's bull. I have several friends who were once single mothers but are now happily married or partnered to delightful new guys (plus one single mother friend who is now happily married to a delightful new woman, but I digress). You may meet someone who likes kids, you may meet someone who already has kids of his own, but you are definitely not going to be a dating pariah just because you have two kids.

All that said, I would caution against launching into a rebound relationship too soon. You just split up from this asshole 5 weeks ago (excellent decision, by the way!). Spend some time as a single woman getting acquainted with yourself. Enjoy spending time with your wonderful DC (and the one to come). A new relationship can come later, and will probably be stronger if you're secure and self-confident when you start it.

bragmatic Tue 12-Nov-13 00:32:32

What he means is, you'll never find anyone like him.


ViviDeBeauvoir Tue 12-Nov-13 00:38:10

If you ever needed any proof you are better off without him then this is it!
What an arsehole.
Obviously anyone with children will never have another relationship except all the thousands of people who currently are hmm

longjane Tue 12-Nov-13 00:39:05

Not many young girl parents will be happy to let kids go out with father of 2 .

BerstieSpotts Tue 12-Nov-13 00:42:10

Lol, long. My DP's mum expressly forbade him from dating me. He said "Thanks for your opinion" and totally ignored her. He was 23! You don't have to listen to who your parents deem suitable for you to date at 23!

She still doesn't like me grin but as I said to him at the time, I'm not in a relationship with her, am I? I'm in one with him.

elskovs Tue 12-Nov-13 00:48:18

What a bastard. Absolutely better off single than with him!
Course you will meet a partner. Lots of divorced men with kids out there. Don't expect a new daddy though... Most men I know aren't interested in bringing up another mans kids, besides they have a dad already.

Good luck.

BerstieSpotts Tue 12-Nov-13 00:55:45

Well, sort of elskovs, but OP, although it is far far in the future and not something you need to think about now, when you do feel up to dating, remember that anybody entering into a relationship with you is potentially entering into a relationship with your DC as well, and although they won't replace your DC's father, if, eventually, the relationship progresses to living together, he will be a big part of their lives. So although you wouldn't want to introduce them too early, be wary of someone who seems iffy about "another man's kids" or doesn't show interest in your DC after you've started to get to know them a bit. (It's a hard balance - too much curiosity too early can be creepy, not enough is a red flag!) - you want to look for early signs that they are committed and interested not only in getting to know you and being together with you, but getting to know and being a part of your family (eventually) as well.

flameprincess Tue 12-Nov-13 01:02:02

Haven't read everyone's posts, but yes, he's talking absolute shit. I myself am not with my son's father and I know a hell of a lot of women with more than one child who are in happy relationships and not with their original partners.

He said what he did as more of a statement to convince himself as well as bringing you down. All you need think about is your two lovely DCs and remember this is just the beginning of your new life without that bastard wink

McRoo Tue 12-Nov-13 01:23:38

He's being a dick.

Don't listen to him. It's not true what he's saying.

Mellowandfruitful Tue 12-Nov-13 01:42:44

Utter bollocks. He needs to worry on his own behalf, being a violent abuser and all - what a catch! hmm

I would try not to speak to him if you can help it. Maybe if managing a phone call with DS but I wouldn't discuss the pregnancy or anything else about the future with him at all. He'll only try to upset you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 06:52:55

Repeating some of what has already been said.

1. He is your ex for a reason. He is an abusive person. He deliberately wants to hurt you. No more cosy chats where he gets to stick the knife in, therefore. Keep your distance and communicate only about essentials via e-mail
2. Two children is no barrier to having a lasting relationship with someone else
3. You don't need a man in your life or your DCs' life in order to be a complete and worthwhile individual. Get your confidence back, get your self-esteem back, be happy in your skin, then see if you want to share that skin with someone else.

Deathwatchbeetle Tue 12-Nov-13 06:53:10

Nice that he views his kids as a problem or burden..... Lovely man.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 06:53:19

Please tell me this Fucker isn't attending the birth of your baby.

Iris445 Tue 12-Nov-13 07:03:41

I think that having children takes the pressure off finding a man when you are a certain age.

Times not ticking, you can be much more choosy and you will be as you have dc to consider.

My response would be "well I'd rarther be single than have you, so it's good if I meet someone and good if I don't!"

Having a man is not what makes you happy. Not having a crap man is!

OneMoreChap Tue 12-Nov-13 07:58:48

Sounds like he is a) a bit of a dick and b) worried he's not going to find a relationship.

One of my siblings is recently divorced and is playing the field a bit. There aren't "loadsa women" without children once you reach a reasonable age, because a lot of them have some past, which includes previous relationships (like him, and kids, like him).

As an aside, it also means it is obvious your "biological clock" (horrid phrase) isn't driving you to find a father for a baby, so you'd be looking for a partner for you...

After taking a few years to be single, become who I really should have been all along an amazing man managed to fall in love with me and my two children (7 & 9 at the time). Now I'm married to someone who I can have a healthy fulfilling relationship with and I really appreciate every second of it thanks to my ex! You have all this to look forward to.

Llareggub Tue 12-Nov-13 08:36:55

Yes - you now have the opportunity to do so much. I love being a single parent. I find it easier in so many ways. Don't be afraid to ask people with partners to do stuff at weekends either. I didn't for a while, but there are plenty of people who are happy to meet up with the DCs because partners are working. Develop a network with other single mums too if you can. Ask for help - people will if they can. Don't be afraid to get some time, even an hour, just for you.

angel1976 Tue 12-Nov-13 08:43:33

Absolutely bull, don't listen to twatface, you have time on your side as well.

My STBXH left early this year, for someone younger and 'more ambitious' (TWAT! Even his mum pointed out that 10 years ago before I took a step back in my career for OUR kids, I was ambitious go-getter!). I was devastated. I couldn't eat, sleep or stop crying for the first couple of months, then with the support of some amazing friends, I got my life back for the first time since I had kids. I went to gigs, afternoon teas, art exhibitions, movies, wandered around towns with my single friends and also my friends' families. STBXH was a selfish twunt who left me to do all the child-rearing/housework despite me maintaining a fairly well paid flexible part-time job.

I couldn't think about relationships for a long time. I couldn't see myself with anyone else but ex-twunt (not because I was NOT over him, it was because I just couldn't imagine it as I had been with him 12 years). And I thought like your ex in my darkest moments, 'Who would want to take on a 36-year-old woman with two young energetic boys?' I got all the help I could get, I got a therapist on the NHS (seeing him for the final time this week!), and he did CBT with me. I concentrated on my boys and getting through our split with as little damage as possible (especially when ex-twunt wanted to introduce his GF to them 4 months after he moved out angry).

Almost a year on, things are so different. I have met STBXH's girlfriend and I actually think she is lovely, for which I am happy for as she will be spending lots of time around my DSs. My DSs are very well-adjusted and happy. I am finally finishing my therapy and looking forward to that as I finally feel I am ready to do without that support. I've gone from thinking who would want to take on a woman with two kids to thinking my boys are so freaking lovely, ANY man would be lucky to have them in their lives!

I've also completely and unexpectedly met someone very, very lovely. He is completely different from STBXH and not someone I expected myself to go out with in the past. But he has been such an unexpected blessing in my life, I still find it hard to believe how I managed to meet him when I wasn't looking. And he is exactly what I needed after ex-twunt. He takes care of me, he absolutely spoils me. He buys me flowers. He took me away for a weekend soon after we met. He buys me lovely presents. He also has a daughter my older DS's age. We haven't got to the stage of meeting our DCs yet as we want to make sure we do it right if we last the distance but I'm enjoying the relationship for what it is now, which is just two people who have fallen in love rather unexpectedly! Even if we don't last, I know now it is possible to meet someone who would be willing to take me and my boys on, and not as a burden IYKWIM. Best of luck! You are still so early on the breakup and feeling fragile, don't let twunt bring you down, you are better than that!

VikingLady Tue 12-Nov-13 08:43:50

My uncle met and married a really lovely woman with four DCs, and they have a DCS together too. 10 years now and they seem happy!

Longdistance Tue 12-Nov-13 08:46:25

Well, no one will want to date him, with him being an utter twunt!

ALittleStranger Tue 12-Nov-13 08:48:55

He's a cunt, thank god you're not with him anymore.

How does his little brain compute the legions of single mothers who have gone on to meet fab new partners?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 12-Nov-13 08:51:15

Bluntly while you have a pulse you can find a new partner/they can find you. You're simply going to take care that any male in DCs' lives will be a healthy, positive influence. And you will be cherished. He's grasping at straws trying to console himself. Ignore him.

SirRaymondClench Tue 12-Nov-13 09:10:00

Only read the Op but just wanted to say that my supposed best friend said this to me when my XH fucked off with another woman.
"Who will want you now?" she helpfully asked me at my lowest moment.
Well to answer her question (and not bigging myself up, believe me I am not 'all that') absolutely loads of men. Not that I went there but I could have.
I am now happily remarried and had a couple of longish relationships in the interim so tell your XH to shove it up his rectum!
Loads of men will want you and you'll be fighting them off!!

thewizenedone Tue 12-Nov-13 09:10:30

Ex said almost exactly the same words to me, guess who is now trawling dating sites after a second divorce ?

MoominsYonisAreScary Tue 12-Nov-13 09:35:57

I split up with exh not long after ds2 was born. 8years later ds3 was born closely followed by ds4 and recently ds5.

When ds2 was 6 months I started an access course and then trained as a mh nurse. I had a good 5-6 years of being a sp before meeting dp. Me and the dc had a great time together just the 3 of us. Hard work at times, especially while training and working but I loved every minute of it.

you have a great life ahead of you, whatever you choose to do! I suspect in 10 years time your ex will have a string of failed relationships behind him as he sounds like an arse hole

UriGeller Tue 12-Nov-13 09:42:06

What a shit.

Also wrong. I had 2 kids when I met my OH.

Now WE have 4 grin So tell him to stick that up his orifice!

bigstrongmama Tue 12-Nov-13 09:55:22

My stbxh told me the same...few months on I am with an amazing guy who is sweet, kind and loving, and has kids of his own so respects my family life. Couldn't ask for more!

Sounds like his last ditch attempt to get you back where he wants you. Don't listen!
There is actually no need to talk to him on the phone. Email is fine. Be civil at handovers and no more. I feel much happier if I prevent stbxh from getting to me, which he does at every opportunity. Don't give him the opportunity.

Well done for leaving

treadpattern Tue 12-Nov-13 10:31:54

NickysMam - as a now single man with 2 kids, my online dating search criteria is for single women with children. He's being mean and you no longer need to listen to that. When you are ready, dive in!

Anniegetyourgun Tue 12-Nov-13 10:41:50

Ach, he's just lashing out, he doesn't even believe it himself. He just thought it sounded like something suitably hurtful to hurl at you in retaliation for leaving. Like "you're shit in bed anyway" or "no-one will want someone as fat as you", it isn't true, it's just playing on whatever insecurities the ex-partner perceives you have. Which is a bit of a dirty trick really, and doesn't deserve the time of day.

You're only 22 and a loving and sensible-sounding woman, of course you'll find somebody! The only problem will be fending off the predatory ones who expect a mother of two to be desperate (which is rather insulting, don't you think?) You'll find someone nice and it won't be all that long from now, although I do think you shouldn't be in any kind of hurry. Certainly don't allow someone into your life just to prove you can. Proving you can live perfectly well without a nasty man is just as much a poke in the eye to the ex - if his opinion mattered at all, which it doesn't.

Thants Tue 12-Nov-13 10:44:44

I had a friend who was with an abusive ex who used to say this to her when they split.
It's simply not true! She's had a few flings and is now in serious relationship.
Another friend who has 2 children has just moved in with her new partner! If someone likes you then they like your children!

TimidLivid Tue 12-Nov-13 10:47:18

My cousin came here from another country fleeing domestic abuse attempts to kill her. She now has a lovely boyfriend who cook for her and goes on hoilday with her... Five children. She had two other boyfriends before him. Her ex partner used to tell her no one else will want you with five kids. Wrong wrong wrong. They all say the same shit. He wants you to the think you have no options at a time when the world is all open to you and you have never been more free. Pregnancy and newborn doesn't go on forever and then you will be free to do whatever you decide, you ex does not want you to see that

AutumnMadness Tue 12-Nov-13 10:54:00

Repeat after me: twat, twat, twaaaat, twat, twatty-twaaaaaat! Twat-twat-twat! Dick!

stickysausages Tue 12-Nov-13 11:01:02

You will find someone, who is a real man, capable of loving you and your children. Your twunt of an ex shouldn't judge others by his own poor standards. I know plenty of step-parents, I'm a step-child grin

LisaMed Tue 12-Nov-13 11:13:03

My Dad has a very interesting love life. I keep bumping into his old girlfriends. He is 82 and they are girlfriends he had since he moved 100 miles to be with me two years ago.

I should add that his 'girlfriends' are all in their seventies and enjoying life. They have grandchildren and are dating. Dad hasn't brought anyone home, but I don't ask any questions when he's out.

What your twat meant was, 'I want you to believe you are worthless so that you will put up with me in desperation'. Good luck.

maleview70 Tue 12-Nov-13 11:21:35

As you are still very young, there will be men your own age and slightly older that wont want that responsibility. However as the saying goes, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. Certainly in mid 30's upwards, a popular age for couples to split up, many already have kids and its almost expected when dating that someone you meet may well have kids. Not so much at the younger dating end though.

I would actually advise you not to get too worried by this and actually live your life a little. You are 22 and must have missed out on the usual social life a 22 year old has. Make the most of your free time and don't get fixated on the need to be in another relationship. Have some fun and wait until the time is right before getting serious again! Watch out for idiots too....there will be plenty of those!

gamerchick Tue 12-Nov-13 11:24:59

Ash don't dwell on it. I hooked up with my husband when my youngest was 2 .. The youngest of 3 kids and we're very happy.

It's just a dig to try keep you down.

Capitaltrixie Tue 12-Nov-13 11:31:39

Erm..loads will, so no - it most definitely is NOT TRUE! (what a load of absolute shite he spouts). I was a single mum with 2 very young DC and now have a lovely DP. He sounds horrible. Well done for leaving and yes - just monitor the interaction you have with him, protect yourself and your DC.

Agree with maleview, do make the most of free time and don't rush into another relationship. Good luck, you'll have a lovely life (without him)smile

Anniegetyourgun Tue 12-Nov-13 11:38:03

Just re-reading my post above where I said "you can live perfectly well without a nasty man" - I don't mean men are nasty, just that your ex was! Hope that was obvious. blush

ratspeaker Tue 12-Nov-13 12:07:02

My MIL was told the same in these exact circumstances in the 1960s. She too had an emotional and physically abusive exH and was pregnant with her 2nd child when she left.
It's said to hurt, to punish you for daring to leave.
MIL later met and married the man she was with for well over forty years, only death parted them.

By your exs logic Angelina Jollie would be alone now...

differentnameforthis Tue 12-Nov-13 12:07:38

Well my stepfather (childless) took us on (2 children) when we were 8 & 9.
My friend got with her dh (childless) & she had 2 children.
My niece got with her df (childless) when she had one child (they now have 2 together)
An acquaintance got with her (now ex) bf (he was childless at the time) when she had three children & they went on to have 2 together.

So actually yes, it does happen. Perhaps what he is saying is that he wouldn't get together with a woman who had children, and that is his choice, but it doesn't mean no one will. He is hitting out at you for leaving him & contrary to what he says 9about not crawling back to him) that is probably exactly what he wants & is trying to achieve.


Strawberrykisses Tue 12-Nov-13 12:33:19

What a dick. I left my STBXH, and he said this. I have two DC and my DP also has two. Your ex is a knob.

He's totally wrong.
And besides, he has two children too!

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 13:58:37

Thanks for all your comments and advice!

I feel so much better, although I did let it get to me up until this morning but after reading through this thread again, I've concluded that he probably did just say that to make me feel crap, and sadly, it worked but only for a little while.

I've blocked his in-coming calls and sent a text saying "lets text or email in future" and blocked his number just to stop his texts for now because I know that he'll just respond rudely.

I understand that men my age may not want to take on that responsibility but I've never been keen on dating anyone my age anyway (preferences really). However, I will bare that in mind. Also I'm very open minded when it comes to dating men with children, as my ex before STBXH had a son.

I will just use this time to get my life back on track. I gave up a lot for that SOB (dropped out of uni etc) so definitely no dating for me right now.

Thank you all again! If only he could read this and weep at his failed attempt to put me down.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 12-Nov-13 14:05:47


sebsmummy1 Tue 12-Nov-13 14:25:20

He is trying to make you believe that he is your one and only option, and you walked away and he won't have you back. Well whoop de bloody whoop, thank fuck for that, be sure the next time he wants to offload a nasty little anecdote in your direction to tell him that you intend on getting some good hard shagging from a variety of men in the future and are not really looking to settle down. So he is not to worry.

Hissy Tue 12-Nov-13 14:51:53

I would say that pretty much ALL abusive arseholes say this.

it's to try to scare you and make you feel bad, and kill of whatever self confidence you have.

Look at the posts above and you will see that time and time again that people DO find other people WITH children.

there is no reason why on earth you wont.

What I will say though is that you need to be prepared to work hard to get over the abuse you have suffered.

Getting OUT of an abusive relationship is not the END, it's the beginning of a journey for you to find out what PUT you in that relationship in the first place.

You have made the first step, you left this terrible man. Now you have to look at what happened TO you and why you were vulnerable. Then you look at strengthening yourself in those areas to not allow that to happen again.

Have you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft? Have you thought about looking into doing The Freedom Programme?

I did all of that and more and by God it's worth it.

I would LAUGH in the face of my former abuser now, he would COWER in front of ME by the time I'd finished with him nowadays.

You are exactly this awesome, which is why he had to destroy you... think about it!


ZombieMojaveWonderer Tue 12-Nov-13 14:56:14

I found the love of my life and I have 3 children smile
It's not really something you should even be thinking about right now but when you do I assure there is a man out there who will love you and your two children grin

Mollydoggerson Tue 12-Nov-13 14:59:45

It's bollox, people with children from previous relationships get together all the time. Utter nonsense.

Well I have 2 half sisters from my mums side - my dad loves them as much as he loves me.

I also know someone with 3 kids and she has a lovely partner!

He's talking utter crap - but you know that anyway.

You're well rid and you will be happy, in time, when you are ready!

TwoPeasOnePod Tue 12-Nov-13 15:05:53

My EA exP said the exact same thing to me. "No one will want you with three kids"

Fastforward to now. Me and my new (respectful, caring) DP have been approved for a mortgage and we are moving into our home by January. With my three DC aged 6 and below grin

Your exH knows fine well how you will certainly move onwards and upwards. Hes a knob. Ignore except for matters pertaining to the kids. And best of luck in your freedom infused new life smile

TwoPeasOnePod Tue 12-Nov-13 15:08:59

Also never think of it as a man 'taking on' your kids like some kind of Saint hmm

It would be the other way around. Any man would be honoured and rated highly if you allowed him onto your kids' lives. You should always be empowered by that thought, it helped me when my exP wss being a knob. Fwiw he's now back at his parents 2bed terraced house. Loser

janajos Tue 12-Nov-13 15:32:34

I have been with my now DH for 10years, he has not only wanted me with 2 kids, he brings them up with me full time, pays for school fees (not boarding!) for one of them and has replaced their absent (--feckless--) father. What rubbish your ex is talking!

Dahlen Tue 12-Nov-13 15:55:20

Your STBXH has just demonstrated that you were absolutely right to leave him. wink

No is going to claim that having children doesn't affect the development of a relationship, but it's an effect of timing and style. It's not a barrier to actually having a relationship.

In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's an excellent way of screening out the twats like your STBXH - since men who consider someone else's children as "baggage" tend to be selfish - looking at relationships much more in terms of what they will receive rather than what they can offer. They are exactly the sort of men who will treat you like shit in the long term no matter how charming they appear on the surface. Also, some men are very good at maintaining a facade for a surprising length of time. Children, with their ability to behave completely inappropriately and unpredictably, are really very good at wrong-footing such people and exposing them for what they really are.

IME the sorts of men who are willing to "take on" someone else's children and develop a genuine bond with them in their own right tend to be the sort of men who have a fair amount of emotional intelligence and are likely to behave in a thoughtful and considerate way.

My BF hasn't been put off by my DC and he doesn't even have children of his own! In fact, he rather enjoys the family life side of things. The only remotely negative spin he's ever put on my having children is that he can't whisk me away for a surprise or impromptu romantic weekend because the childcare situation means everything has to be planned in advance. Meanwhile, my DC give him ample opportunity to indulge his inner child and he is forever looking at things and saying "do you think they'd like this?".

Obviously my DC are separate to me, but he sees the three of us as a unit - one he's been privileged to be allowed to enter. He considers them part of the reason I am who I am, as motherhood has shaped my personality. Therefore, how could he possibly consider them "baggage"?

Blondie1969 Tue 12-Nov-13 15:56:24

From a male perspective. Separated nearly 18 months ago. have two aged 10 and 6. When it came to meeting someone knew my fist thoughts was someone with one or two kids as that would mean they would understand my priorities with regards to me looking after my kids fifty per cent of the week.

For eight months now i have been going out with someone with three children.

I would never envisaged myself dating someone with three kids 18 months ago but I am not attempting to father her children but like her for the values and qualities she has shown.

So do not worry about no one wanting you. Why would someone not want to be with you? You are not an alcoholic or an unkind person so anyone who ends up with you is lucky you are letting them into your lives.

Just make sure you start carrying a big stick to beat all those admirers off with!!

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 18:44:02

Some lovely replies on here, OP, I hope you are taking them on board and believing them.

JesusInTheCabbageVan Tue 12-Nov-13 19:08:37

What everyone else said.

Plus: people who feel the need to tell you that they are "laughing" are never really laughing. They're usually feeling small and insecure and casting around desperately for something to make them feel and look as though they have the upper hand. grin

NickysMam Tue 12-Nov-13 19:16:58

Mistall I am indeed and I'm grateful for them!

Glad I posted wink

exoticfruits Tue 12-Nov-13 19:19:39

I know lots of people who find someone second time around, with children.
He is abusive because he is very good at it, as proved by his phone call!
A stupid statement anyway as he has 2 children.
I also agree with Jesus. Hold that thought!

cloudskitchen Tue 12-Nov-13 19:36:46

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but that was clearly meant to manipulate you and totally not true. I know several people with 2 children that are now with other partners. one of my friends has 3 kids and this summer just got married to a man with 2. now one big very happy family

wallypops Tue 12-Nov-13 20:34:38

I think my kids are probably my biggest selling point!

OldTomFrost Wed 13-Nov-13 07:07:02

Rubbish, utter rubbish. All that is left for him to do now to hurt you is say vile things to you. He's lost the control in the relationship so he's pissed off. And he can't hurt you any other way than to say horrible things to you.
I have 3 children and a Grandchild who is here more often than not - I have found a man... I didn't want the man (another story completely smile ) But he did not see three kids as a barrier. Lots of men don't.
Twoddle - all of it.
Concentrate on yourself and your kids for a while. Get your life all sorted out. Ignore this idiot and when you are ready, you will meet another man if it is what you want. I promise you. DO not listen to this fool.

SatinSandals Wed 13-Nov-13 08:41:06

Tell yourself that you haven't heard the last of his jibes and be prepared next time. Treat him like a toddler with a tantrum. Keep calm, if you get chance for a final word, which you probably won't, just say, without any emotion and in normal chatty tone, 'well, we are all entitled to our opinions' -and you be the one to put the phone down.
He is playing a game, don't play it. Ignore or get some 'broken record' type responses, said lightly as if he is irrelevant.

TorchesTorches Wed 13-Nov-13 09:11:33

Although it's a bit of a different situation, i felt like this once. I had just handed my resignation in to my boss, to go to work for a more prestigious firm. My boss who up to this point had been really nice took it very badly and snarled "you won't last 5 minutes in that place." I was really upset and told my mum. She just laughed and said "he's a man who isn't getting his own way....this is how they react". I was in the new firm for 10 years and flourished. This is just a man who isn't getting what he wants!

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 13-Nov-13 09:30:57

I haven't read the thread yet as I'm supposed to be getting ready for work but as I'm sure plenty of people have already said, he's just saying that to hurt you and make you feel like he's the best you can do. He isn't. Well done for blocking him, make sure you only communicate about things to do with the DCs from now on, what happens outside of that is none of his business.

XH also thought nobody else could possible want me - I believed him. I have stretch marks and a mum-tum, grey dyed hair and the odd wrinkle. I have 3 DCs aged from 6-13 who stay with their dad once a week, but are with me the majority of the time, written down it doesn't sound too appealing for a new man to walk into that!

However, I now have a gorgeous DP who is 5 years younger than me, absolutely beautiful, my ideal man, full head of hair (unlike XH!) and he thinks the world of me and my kids.

He has 2 DC of his own and we usually all spend one evening a week together, but when he doesn't have his kids he is more than happy to hang out here with me and mine. They love him, he is funny and a bit immature and brings them sweets and toys on a regular basis, as well as bringing me flowers and nice things to eat too grin

He's a bloody treasure and it scares me to think that I might never have met him if I'd stayed with XH.

Plenty of lovely men are looking for a comforting home from home with a new partner, not a wild, free party animal with no ties. Anyone who you'd want to have around (for yourself as well as your kids) at this stage of your life won't be phased by spending some time with you and your kids.

Get yourself straight, find your confidence and when you're ready you can enjoy the fun of meeting new people who will value you more than that tosser obviously did.

borninastorm Wed 13-Nov-13 09:42:34

Words are are so very powerful and your ex knows this. He has chosen to say the one thing that he knows will pile more insecurity on you.

We rarely really hear the good things that people say to us - we're too busy fixating on the bad things. And he's hoping that you'll fixate on this so much that you'll be unable to move on.

Don't fixate on this, don't give his words the power he wants them to have.

How your life goes from now on is your choice, choose to have a great one.

tribpot Wed 13-Nov-13 09:47:50

Utter bollocks. My mum was not much older than you when she became a single parent of two small children. In an era before internet dating, or even before dating (for single mothers, I suspect!) she met and married my fantastic step-father - set up by a friend of hers who was buying his house.

Never look back - a much better life is waiting for you.

TwoStepsBeyond Wed 13-Nov-13 09:53:49

Dahlen your BF sounds lovely!

I liked Iris' point a while back too:

I think that having children takes the pressure off finding a man when you are a certain age

Times not ticking, you can be much more choosy and you will be as you have dc to consider

I specifically put on my dating profile that while I have DCs I wasn't looking for someone to play dad, they already have one of them, I wanted to meet someone for myself.

A lot of the men put "my children will always come first" which can be a bit off-putting for me. It goes without saying that when you have DCs they will be your priority, but there's nothing wrong with wanting some fun and a relationship purely for yourself, as a woman not a mum.

I would say that juggling the parenting styles of 2 different families is the main source of disagreement for me and DP, so getting together when you have DCs isn't as simple as it was first time around, but we work it out - mainly because he is a thoughtful and considerate man who weighs up the 2 sides to any argument.

I think the other benefit to meeting someone after you've both had kids is that you're more mature and and settled in general (well, most people are!) I would've hated DP when he was younger, sounds like he was a bit selfish, he smoked weed and wasn't really my type at all. However, since having DCs he grew up and is now exactly what I want in a man. (Interestingly it seems that his ex didn't really grow up when she had kids and is now with a man without DCs of his own who treats her quite badly by all accounts.)

Polynomial Wed 13-Nov-13 10:13:28

12 years ago my ex-boyfriend shouted that I'd never have a relationship again.

He recently tweeted that he hadn't had a girlfriend for 12 years! Yes, posting that is going to have the ladies flocking to him - not! grin

NickysMam Wed 13-Nov-13 11:23:59

oh no I lost my response..!

Basically, I appreciate all that's been said. I definitely agree, he said it to exercise his attempt to control me. Desperate man. Is it wrong for me to feel slightly sick at the thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life with that man?

I just don't understand why he's bothering with all this since I'm a "stupid rebellious woman"? Surely he should be rejoicing at his freedom?

Thank goodness for MN, I'd be feeling like crap up until now I'm sure. I've definitely lost my self confidence over the years and I'm working on getting it back slowly buy surely!

SatinSandals Wed 13-Nov-13 11:36:39

I had that once 'you will be 40yrs and finished, alone and lonely'. At 40 yrs I was happily married with another child. I have no idea what happened to him and don't care enough to find out. Ignore.

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