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I gave Dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose.

(184 Posts)
Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 13:55:22

Have I over reacted?

This morning I admit I was in a mood. I'm a Sahm and do everything to get the kids ready for school. Dh just sorts himself out and goes to work. As its bin day today I put the bag in and asked if if could wheel the bin to the road. He forgot and got in the car. I took it and gave him a hard stare on my way past. (So far so childish!)

Now I would expect any normal person to then say 'sorry I forgot'. Instead if got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.

I texted telling him I can't put up with his aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until if can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

WTF now?

simpleth1ngs Mon 11-Nov-13 13:56:41

Er, have you apologised too?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 14:02:38

I think you've done the right thing telling him not to come home. Some time apart will give you both chance to think clearly about how to take things forward. If he 'has form' I take it this is not an isolated incident.

barnet Mon 11-Nov-13 14:04:01

No need for aggression from him, BUT you are the one who is working in the home so you could easily do that job without causing grief.

MorrisZapp Mon 11-Nov-13 14:05:41

If my DP gave me a silent dirty look for forgetting something I wouldn't apologise. If he reminded me or pulled me up politely then I would.

Don't really see what the issue is here.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:06:59

No I haven't said sorry because that's what I usually do. He is laying all the blame on me and I'm fed up with him not seeing how much he over reacts at the slightest thing. I need to be able to have a minor gripe and for it to remain minor. I have biting my tongue over everything.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:07:34

Hate not have.

MorrisZapp Mon 11-Nov-13 14:11:33

Maybe you haven't given us a good example here. The opposite of biting your tongue would be saying something. Not giving silent evils.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:13:36

Only silent evils because he was in the car and I wasn't. It was a passing look from a distance.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 14:16:59

I think you're getting harsh treatment here OP. Having a door slammed in your face is not appropriate behaviour, no matter what went before. If it's typical behaviour, if he constantly over-reacts and if you find you're always backing down rather than having to endure more of the same then you're probably in a relationship with a bully.

Some time apart is what you both need - and not just a few hours.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:19:56

Thanks Cognito.

yetanotheranyfucker Mon 11-Nov-13 14:26:37

He wasn't right to come in and slam the door, but I couldn't be dealing with 'evils' from my spouse for fucking forgetting something either.

I need to be able to have a minor gripe and for it to remain minor.
Well, no you don't need to gripe over such a trivial issue and you didn't gripe - you were childish and passive aggressive and nasty. If my spouse behaved like that on my way to work, I'd not be in a huge hurry to come home that night either.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but I think you owe him the first apology. Grow up - 'evils' are for teenagers or people with the same mental age. If there are real problems and you feel resentment, then deal with them properly and maturely.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 14:34:07

Oh well Yetanother, we differ there. If he'd stink eyed me I'd have said 'oops sorry, forgot' and that would end it. I wouldn't chase my spouse in a rage and violently slam a door in her face.

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 14:39:45

I'd be pretty peeved if my hubby got on at me for something I'd forgotten, rather than done on purpose. We all make mistakes.

Personally I think a quick, 'need a hug when you get in' text should stop this morning from spilling into tonight too. I hate it when hubby and I fall out, especially over petty things when we are both tetchy. It's not worth bearing a grudge.

yetanotheranyfucker Mon 11-Nov-13 14:57:45

I wouldn't chase my spouse in a rage and violently slam a door in her face.
No, neither would I. He was wrong to do that. I would be extremely annoyed and disappointed in my partner's behaviour if they did what you did though and that's what you don't seem to be understanding - his slamming the door was totally unjustified, but actually many people would also find what you did unacceptable. You saying you'd be OK with someone treating you that way is not an acceptable excuse for treating your partner in a way they're not OK with. Your first reaction was disproportionate and that's why it escalated.

emye Mon 11-Nov-13 15:00:32

well why didn't he just take the bin out? gosh, sometimes people are so inconsiderate...you are good to not want your kids to be like that...

LEMisafucker Mon 11-Nov-13 15:00:41

You were both out of order - could you not have put the bins out seeing as he forgot? If my DP gave me a filthy look i would be really upset by it actually.

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 15:48:10

If DH does bugger all around the house and frequently forgets to do the very occasional task that you ask of him, TBH I don't think you were at all unreasonable. Giving a dirty look after repeated 'offences' is hardly abusive disrespectful behaviour.

Constantly pulling up your partner because of 'mistakes' when they are generally being normal human beings pulling their weights and occasionally just get it wrong, is quite another thing but I don't think that's what's going on here.

I think what's going here is that the OP has got very fed up being cast in the role of general dogsbody. She's feeling taken for granted.

Whichever is true - whether you're downtrodden SAHM or moody PITA - slamming the door in your face in response is completely unacceptable behaviour from your OH no matter what.

Dahlen Mon 11-Nov-13 15:50:57

OP, I'd heartily recommend this book.

I think there's probably a lot more to the this and Cogito has already spotted that!

What now?
Well you follow through with your threat.
If he does come home then if you can, you go off together to a quiet room and discuss all the shit you are putting up with.

I really don't like the sound of him and I think you've had more than enough of it.
Get tough.

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 15:56:39

Dahlen, thankyou. That's how I feel. It is very hard to explain without long boring posts about trivia.

I know it was initially fuss about nothing but life is lots of little nothings that add up. I don't want to fear rage from him for me or dcs when he shouts.

Strumpetron Mon 11-Nov-13 15:58:20

If my DP gave me a filthy look I'd be furious and make sure he knows so.

Dirty looks are so childish and really insulting!

Jan45 Mon 11-Nov-13 16:01:50

Sounds like you dared to challenge him on something and for that you got a sounding off and a slammed door - all very aggressive behaviour - over a wheelie bin - it probably highlighted to you that he's the bully and you are usually the pacifier, time to have a long chat with him over boundaries and how he is treating you and what kind of example does that set to the children.

eurochick Mon 11-Nov-13 16:02:43

You both sound like you are acting like teenagers, tbh. Grow up!

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 16:04:33

Thank yo all for posting. I'm off now. I have kids to look after.

Pagwatch Mon 11-Nov-13 16:05:20

Yes - it isn't that he forgot one little thing is it.

It's that you do everything inthe morning and the one time you ask him to do one thing to help, it is so far out of his 'not my problem' attitude that he doesn't do it.

Fenton Mon 11-Nov-13 16:25:55

I think I get it, - if it was just about one look, one stomp off you wouldn't feel this way and there wouldn't be a thread.

OP, husband leaves for work at about 6.45, bins are collected at 7.30 onwards, - if he forgets to drag them out as he leaves he phones me to say 'sorry, I just remembered as I got to the end of the road, too late to go back'

And I say 'grr' and pull on clothes to go and do it.

By 7.55am neither of us will give it a second thought.

That's the difference, - a big deal is being made over 'it' and I don't think that's all down to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 16:27:30

He just reminds me of every nasty little no-neck arse that gets aggressive because someone 'looked at me in a funny way'... hmm

Twinklestein Mon 11-Nov-13 18:32:49

I infer that the bin was symbolic of his doing something around the house, which he may think of as entirely the OP's responsibility.

Maybe he's too good for bins and housework generally...

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 18:38:41

in general, men who get aggressive about being given a "dirty look" tend to be the type who think women's work is beneath them

Mrscropper Mon 11-Nov-13 19:23:23

OP, I'm not sure your still reading this after some of the comments posted. Sadly I'm not as 'perfect' as some members on here and don't think you have over reacted or need to grow up and I do see a problem. You clearly said in your OP that you accepted it was a childish reaction giving DH a hard stare and I would be willing to bet anyone who says they've never done that is a liar! I admit I have.

You say your DH 'has form' are you saying your DH has acted aggressively towards you before/on a regular basis? You say you don't want your kids learning to be like this ... What is 'this' you don't want them learning?

I've read enough threads on here to know that most posters would be screaming LTB to a member suffering aggressive behaviour from a partner. I don't think we are aware of the full extent of your situation, it may possibly be that this is one of many instances however trivial some may think it is. Things can start as very trivial and escalate out of control with aggressive partners as I am more than aware of in more own experiences with domestic abuse. It may be that DH just peed you off today forgetting to put the bin out when you'd just asked him and you needed to let off steam due to being in a mood and maybe feeling taken for granted.

Only you know the full extent of your situation and if it's not the latter you need some help & support x

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 19:27:11

good post, Mrsc

Greenfircone Mon 11-Nov-13 21:06:27

Thanks again to all who have taken the trouble to answer me.

I can't really post much right now as am in a council meeting thing.

It is his disproportionate rage for the smallest criticism that has worn me down. If hmm face is such a crime that some of you posters seem to think it is its a wonder mumsnet hasn't been shut down.

Anyway he came home. I had to rush out again so not really spoken about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 21:12:46

Rage of any kind, proportionate or not, is generally a really bad thing in a person, let alone a relationship. You should be able to disagree or ask for things without it ending up in verbal abuse and having doors slammed in your face. Ignore the high horse types up thread. smile

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 21:19:22

I think some people on this thread mistakenly thought they were in AIBU

NanettaStocker Mon 11-Nov-13 21:57:03

He didn't really forget, did he? I know. I'm living what you're living. Ever feel like he does this to pick a fight?

cloudskitchen Mon 11-Nov-13 22:06:55

I'm surprised people have given you a hard time for giving dh a look. Its hardly a crime. Everyone rolls their eyes or demonstrates their annoyance via their facial expressions. Your dh seems to have reacted disproportionately to the situation imo.

Handywoman Mon 11-Nov-13 23:44:17

I think he got 'the rage' because he was going out to work, and doesn't have time for pesky menial tasks. That's why the look upset him. He sounds like a nob. Your relationship sounds unbalanced, OP and I think he is overstepping the mark (displaying aggression and not for the first time). I would say an honest chat is required here, cos this kind of shizzle chip, chip, chips away at a relationship.

iFad Mon 11-Nov-13 23:47:57

What is a stink eye and how do I do it grin

Mrscropper Tue 12-Nov-13 05:41:23

I hope everything was ok when you got home from the meeting OP. Your DH shouldn't be raging at you and slamming a door in your face for anything. That really is unexeptable behaviour. Only you know if the door slam in your face was intentional or not and if it wasn't I would expect him to have been very apologetic when you got home.

Nobody is perfect and we all have off days but if this is something your DH is like on a regular basis I think you really need to look at how this can change or if you can be with him for the rest of your life.

Is your DH aware of his behaviour and how it is affecting you? Is he prepared to seek help for his aggression? Is this something you can live with? You've already mentioned that you don't want your kids learning to be like this but I imagine they are seeing a lot of what's going on and it will be affecting them too. It's up to you what you do with your life hun and nobody can tell you how to live it but there honestly is help if you need it and from what I've witnessed on MN threads there are a large number of members that are genuinely caring and helpful and willing to offer their support x

dozeydoris Tue 12-Nov-13 06:19:54

It's difficult with someone being angry and aggressive if you have DCs because you don't want to exacerbate the situation by shouting back so you suck it up.
My DH could be angry often, in the end I was very angry back and he realized how unpleasant it felt and we had a good discussion about it. But DCs were older and not around.
Your DH needs to change though I don't have an easy solution.

Deathwatchbeetle Tue 12-Nov-13 06:27:30

Perhaps in future, if he is not too important, and it is not too beneath him, he can get the wheelie bin out the night before. My dad normally managed this without too much trouble. I think most people do (ok there will be the occasional forgetfulness).

Isetan Tue 12-Nov-13 07:11:46

Thank god for the voices of reason (Dahlen and Cog), since when was slamming a door in someone's face a justifiable esculation to the stink eye, context people! You are a SAHM OP, not a skivvy deserving of poor treatment.

Your email was appropriately firm and succinct, good on ya.

yetanotheranyfucker Tue 12-Nov-13 13:05:55

since when was slamming a door in someone's face a justifiable esculation to the stink eye
It's not justifiable. His slamming the door was totally unacceptable. OP's husband might be a lazy sod who thinks household chores are beneath him and she may be feeling totally taken for granted and justifiably fed and unhappy. We don't know the actual situation, but let's say that is the case - I still think giving your spouse a deliberately dirty look, and wanting to feel allowed to do that, is the right or most effective way to deal with the problem whether he simply forgot or whether he's a total arse. If he is not pulling his weight and behaving badly, then OP should tackle that by talking to him, not with passive aggressive tactics. They won't help her.

yetanotheranyfucker Tue 12-Nov-13 13:06:56

That should be 'I don't think ...'

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 13:10:21

Agreed that passive aggressive is rarely the solution to anything but, reading between the lines, the OP is too frightened to say anything even remotely critical in an assertive way because it's met with 'rage'. If that's the reaction, sometimes all someone has left is the expression on their face.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 13:18:14

I think he overreacted by slamming a door but i think you overreacted by the passive aggressive giving him evils for forgetting to put a bin out.

You both get pissed off, he reacts with door slamming (not great, perhaps have a word about finding other ways of his dealing with his annoyance so that the behaviour doesn't get passed onto the children), and you react with looking at him like you want to murder him or he's a peace of shit or whatever.

I think you both need to work on your reactions. He needs to be calmer but you shouldn't be so passive aggressive. Was there any need to put the bin out right there and then? Because it sounds as though you deliberately put the bin out while he was still there so that you could make a point and punish him with evil looks for forgetting. Very childish and i would imagine rage enducing. People who make points AT me, make me want to slam doors as well!

My dh has told me that sometimes when Im a bit annoyed or stressed i look at him and talk to him like he's scum! I don't mean to at all but it makes him feel awful and worthless. I didn't know my face had such power!

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 13:43:21

Evils? She gave him a 'hard stare'. In what universe is that 'rage enducing'? (sic)

Anniegetyourgun Tue 12-Nov-13 13:52:24

Everyone thinks it's cute when Paddington Bear does it.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 14:16:51

Cognito. Im wasn't sure what the stink eye was so i looked it up

term meaning a glare or lingering dirty look

Sounds like evils to me.

And yes i think passive aggressive bin putting out deliberately so that he could see whilst giving him evils would make me annoyed to. I would probably think it was pathetic. If it were me and i had been reminded about the bin i would have apologised, but the above would have just annoyed me.

Its pathetic, childish and not worth the fuss the op made. No wonder he was annoyed by it if that's the way she deals with everything.

He needs to learn to react without door slamming but she needs to learn how to behave like a grown up.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 14:21:05

Op was also "in a mood"

You have to wonder why its ok for her to be in a mood, be passive aggressive, give evil looks and he must take it and take it and take it with no reaction.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 14:24:36

Anyone can be in a bad mood. Anyone can react. But there are limits to acceptable civilised behaviour between supposedly loving grown-ups. It's all about proportionality.

Strumpetron Tue 12-Nov-13 17:50:53

Agree with ahole, put better than I tried to.

Loopyloulu Tue 12-Nov-13 18:25:40

I cannot believe that 2 adults behave so childishly and one of them has to post on a forum asking for an opinion .

In your position I'd have motioned to him in some way while he was in the car, maybe tapped on the car window- maybe pointed at the bin- to remind him that it was his role to put it out. No nastiness, no huffs.

But you chose to do the job yourself then glare at him ( I assume- I don't know what a 'stink eye' )

I'm a bit puzzled why he got out of the car to go in the house if he was ready to drive off, then came out of the house and shut the door in your face if you were outside- I can't quite get my head around the logic of that.

But anyway- if you argue like this over a couple of black looks and someone having a sulk what sort of marriage do you have?

It seems crazy.

All you had to do was ask him/ remind him to put the bin out- not do it yourself then have a silent go at him.

Is this how you each behave all the time?

Anomaly Tue 12-Nov-13 18:56:22

A reasonable man would have probably just needed reminding. But the op's DH does not sound reasonable.

Strumpetron Tue 12-Nov-13 19:01:56

A reasonable woman would have just reminded instead of being childish with dirty looks?

cloudskitchen Tue 12-Nov-13 19:25:01

Lol at Anniegetyourgun grin

Greenfircone Tue 12-Nov-13 19:49:59

Thanks Cog for understanding. Many don't seem to.

Dahlen Tue 12-Nov-13 19:59:33

To all those saying the OP should have just reminded her DH - which I agree would be the normal healthy reaction in a normal healthy relationship - how do you square that with the fact that the OP has said that her DH repeatedly ignores her requests for help?

How long does she politely remind him with no result before it's ok for her to lose patience?

A dirty look is in no way comparable to having a door slammed in your face IMO.

toffeesponge Tue 12-Nov-13 20:03:07

You are living with a bully, Greenfircone. No wonder you have snapped. You have probably had years of him stropping and you having to back down to keep the "peace."

cloudskitchen Tue 12-Nov-13 20:03:53

I can't believe the op is being judged so much for giving her husband a dirty look or whatever you want to call it. I really don't see the big deal. He was in the car, she gave him a visible indication she was annoyed he'd not put the bin out as asked. His reaction was more concerning. Op are you and dh now talking?

Loopyloulu Tue 12-Nov-13 20:16:38

But this is so one sided.

She gave him a dirty look. He got annoyed.
So that makes it all ok for her to behave like this?

Op why didn't you leave the bin for him to do? If it wasn't done then there would be consequences- ie- an overflowing bin.

If you keep covering for him, doing the stuff you ask him to do and he ignores it, then how is that helping matters?

I think you were looking for a spat and he responded.

IMO you are both as bad as each other. You need to sit down and have a grown up chat instead of behaving like a couple of kids.

Mellowandfruitful Tue 12-Nov-13 20:20:46

I think the way the OP was put has ended up being a bit misleading. This seems clearly to have a been a flashpoint in a pattern of behaviour that has been building up for some time, rather than - as so many people have responded to it - a one-off trivial incident.

The OP said 'I don't want to fear rage from him for me or dcs when he shouts'. That doesn't sound like a basically good guy who on one occasion forgets to do something. That sounds like someone permanently being difficult and intimidating to live with.

How long has he been like this, OP? And how many 'discussions' have you had about it - or does that just never work?

Loopyloulu Tue 12-Nov-13 20:24:32

OP- how did he slam the door in your face? Were you right behind him going back in your house- or do you mean he slammed the car door?

I'm sorry but this just seems mad. All couples have rows, give each other black looks, doors get slammed in anger, but life goes on. It's really not a big deal for most people.

Are you making a drama out of nothing - or does he have a serious anger problem which needs addressing with professional help?

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 20:31:19

A reasonable woman who has reminded, reminded , REMINDED, reminded and fucking reminded again resorts to a dirty look

To be greeted with a disproportionate amount of aggression and people are excusing this and blaming her for making him angry ?

Somebody help me out here...this is the relationships topic, right ? confused

ouryve Tue 12-Nov-13 20:35:26

Good grief, a dirty look is a pretty natural reaction when you're already busy and someone appears to deliberately "forget" to do the one little thing that could help you. Facial expression a pretty normal means of non-verbal communication when you are too far apart for words to be effective. DH gets enough of them from me, over fairly trivial stuff, usually, and being a reasonable man, he sorts out the problem, or asks what it is if he doesn't understand.

It is NOT the OP's fault that a man with a history of aggressive and intimidating behaviour goes out of his way to walk into the house and slam a door at her. If he'd hit her, or worse, would it still be her fault for giving him a look that portrays how annoyed she is with his repeated refusal to do basic things to look after his own home and family? No, because that would be blatant victim blaming.

As for the people who suggested that she should be the one putting all the bins out because a stay at home parent should be doing all the jobs around the house because the man goes to work: the 1950s called. They want you back.

arkestra Tue 12-Nov-13 20:38:20

I think this is lacking backstory so we are all reacting according to our own takes - but none of us really has the "relationship" bit.

OP: clearly there's more of a problem than an isolated door slam on his part, I totally get that. You appear reluctant to elaborate (perhaps not wanting to appear petty?) but it's hard for people to get context given what they have so far. Why is he being an arse, do you think? Dodgy personality that's getting worse? Some other underlying problem(s)?

Strumpetron Tue 12-Nov-13 20:41:15

Somebody help me out here...this is the relationships topic, right

Yes but does that mean we have to automatically be biased and start filling in the gaps with our own ideas.. like yours which seem to suggest the OP's DP is an abusive monster.. you've gleaned this from practically nothing.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 20:42:07

I wonder why OP appears reluctant to elaborate ? Perhaps because she fears her worries will be trivialised. Like they have been so far on this thread by the majority. Like her shitty partner does.

Loopyloulu Tue 12-Nov-13 20:42:44

Oh come on. Some of you are exaggerating. And being a Relationships forum doesn't mean we agree with the OP all the time!

She says she has reminded him to do things. She doesn't say she reminded him time after time after time to do the bins.

She admitted she was in a mood.

What does that say? Maybe she was looking for a spat. That's what it says to me. Maybe over reacting? (She asks us that herself so I think she knows the answer.)

It also suggests she feels angry all the time anyway for being a SAHM and having to do most of the chores.

OP- ALL couples have spats. There is not enough info here to tell us if this is a terrible life you have or one where you both have short tempers.

In any case you need to sit down and agree who is doing what with the chores and have a sensible discussion, not a drip-drip- nag and a rant, and a sulk, rather than behaving like grown ups.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 20:42:51

Strumpetron, AIBU called, it's missing you.

Strumpetron Tue 12-Nov-13 20:46:16

mist Oh really? My good friends logic and reason would like to meet you.

Maybe they'll help you understand you can't just go throwing unfounded statements around and automatically expect people to accept them.. just because we're in Relationships hmm

Loopyloulu Tue 12-Nov-13 20:49:30

Maybe you should pop over to the creative writing forum Mist because you seem to have a very vivid imagination, conjuring up an awful lot from the few posts here by the OP. Talk about Chinese Whispers.... a slammed door leads some people to think he's a raving lunatic, rather than just a man in a hurry to get out to work and support his family- having been annoyed by his wife ...

maybe he has a very demanding job, works all hours, is stressed out- and his job gives the OP the luxury of not working and he resents having to do so much when he's working his socks off bringing home the bacon.

We don't know do we....?

There are always 2 sides to everything.

Yama Tue 12-Nov-13 20:50:11

I am pretty disgusted with some of the posts in thread. The op is clearly reaching out and she is getting criticised for giving a disrespectful mean bully a look. Jesus Christ.

Lweji Tue 12-Nov-13 20:51:29

I do think the OP has been somewhat unfairly treated.
A dirty/annoyed/angry look does not warrant anyone coming out of their car and, presumably, follow the wife back in to shut the door on her face. Or if she was still outside. Whatever happened.

It does look like the OP is fed up of doing all and apparently getting grief for complaining, or being displeased.

However, OP, I think you'd get better advice if you explained the background and what happened better.

Mellowandfruitful Tue 12-Nov-13 20:53:26

Loopy doesn't sound like much of a 'luxury' to be not working when that actually means you do all the grunt work of childcare and domestic tasks without any help from your life partner.

Mist I can see you're trying to support the OP, and I sympathise with that (and did it myself) but I don't think 'this is the relationships forum' is helpful. I don't see why that means we have to uncritically support the woman over the man in every instance because of that. In this case, I happen to think the OP has a fair gripe. But let's not make this about what is and what isn't allowed on the Relationships forum. That's only ever down to MNHQ.

Yama Tue 12-Nov-13 20:55:31

Loopy - I work full time in a very stressful job in order to support my family. I don't disrespect my dh by doing hew haw around the house and slamming doors in his face though.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 20:55:59

StrumpetronTue Yes but does that mean we have to automatically be biased and start filling in the gaps with our own ideas.. like yours which seem to suggest the OP's DP is an abusive monster.. you've gleaned this from practically nothing.

I agree.

Yama Tue 12-Nov-13 20:56:20

hee haw

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 20:56:36

I am not going to engage with people who display no empathy, but would rather look for reasons for her to STFU and look after her put-upon husband. Poor man, fancy having to put the bins out

it's scandalous

Dahlen Tue 12-Nov-13 20:58:14

I can't put up with his aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until if can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

I haven't said sorry because that's what I usually do... I need to be able to have a minor gripe and for it to remain minor. I have biting my tongue over everything.

f he'd stink eyed me I'd have said 'oops sorry, forgot' and that would end it. I wouldn't chase my spouse in a rage and violently slam a door in her face.

I know it was initially fuss about nothing but life is lots of little nothings that add up. I don't want to fear rage from him for me or dcs when he shouts.

It is his disproportionate rage for the smallest criticism that has worn me down.

All of those are taken from different posts made by the OP. I think the picture is very clear.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 20:59:18

I agree with LoupyLouLou. Some active imaginations here. Almost a desire to fill in the rest of the story to fit what some want it to.

Strumpetron Tue 12-Nov-13 20:59:45

mist Oh I have a lot of empathy, but I don't attack people and accuse them of horrible things when they aren't here to defend themselves - not based on very little evidence anyway. You're projecting it would seem.

If the OP would like to talk more and fill in the gaps, perhaps tell us more about how she feels and what maybe he has done - then we can make an evaluation on whether he is a 'shitty partner' or not.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 20:59:47

Well, I dunno, mellow. The relationships forum has long had a reputation for being kinder and more female friendly than somewhere like AIBU.

It would be a shame if someone reaching out could no longer have it recommended as somewhere to just get listened to instead of having "who the hell do you think you are to treat your husband like that" forced onto her

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 21:00:37

The OP has been frightened off, evidently. Well done you guys.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 21:04:44

I suppose this thread is an example about how it seems a certain type of poster is pissed off with the "orthodoxy" on the relationships board, as endorsed by HQ recently

One way to deal with it, I guess.

Convert it to AIBU and then everyone can just slag off the OP with impunity. Smashing, lovely, thank you. You wanted a change, and by God, it's certainly happening.

Strumpetron Tue 12-Nov-13 21:05:40

Mist if you're just in relationships to tell women they're in an abusive relationship and have a shitty partner, that really is quite sinister.

We're supposed to read, get the full story, make an educated judgement and try to give advice. Jumping to conclusions, getting people riled up and throwing accusations around when we don't have enough information really isn't helpful.

dahlen No that seems to me one incident has sparked off a feeling in the OP, it doesn't automatically paint the picture of an abusive spouse - which people on here like to suggest.

Of course, like I said if the OP would like to fill in the gaps and tell us it is much more than just this incident, we could all listen and make the decision for ourselves rather than jumping to conclusions and scaremongering like some posters do.

I really hope she comes back.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 21:06:20

This story doesn't even make sense.

Instead if got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.

So she gave him dirty look which apparently is ok, then he gave her one but that is not? Then he stormed into the house? . . .

I wouldn't chase my spouse in a rage and violently slam a door in her face.

But now he chased her in a rage and slammed a door violently. So which one was it?

Sounds to me that op was changing the story as she went along to get the response she wanted.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 21:07:31

Like I said, the OP has been scared off by aggressive posters who are aligning with her husband. Would you come back to that ? I wouldn't.

Mellowandfruitful Tue 12-Nov-13 21:08:36

Times change, cultures change, that's inevitable. Let's discuss each situation on its own characteristics, not decide what the response ought to be on the basis of what category it appears under.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 12-Nov-13 21:09:13

Doesn't make it right, mellow.

Strumpetron Tue 12-Nov-13 21:09:22

Wow mist, the only aggressiveness I have seen is from yourself. Because you'd rather people agreed with your statements rather than try to get the whole picture and go from there.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 21:10:31

Op has said herself that he forgot. Not that he won't lower himself to do housework type stuff. She says he FORGOT. So much of this is just made up by posters projecting.

Mellowandfruitful Tue 12-Nov-13 21:10:54

So are you here to decide what is and isn't right on the relationships board, mist? I don't see any 'in my opinion' or similar that indicates any speaker-relativity, so that is the impression that's coming across.

Ahole Tue 12-Nov-13 21:13:39

I infer that the bin was symbolic of his doingsomethingaround the house, which he may think of as entirely the OP's responsibility. Maybe he's too good for bins and housework generally...

Sorry, i was referring to all these sort of posts.

OP SAYS HE FORGOT!

Twinklestein Tue 12-Nov-13 21:29:42

His reaction to 'forgetting' (I'm not 100% convinced he actually did forget, as he would have to have walked past it, but if he did he clearly doesn't see it as one of his chores), was disproportionate, and from what the OP said this is representative of his behaviour generally.

Joysmum Tue 12-Nov-13 21:30:43

I remember once being horrified when my nan showed concerned at my impending divorce. This really threw me, hubby and I are really happily married but had just had a stinking great row and I sounded off to my mum. My mum discussed it with my grandparents and my grandparents took a row as meaning divorce!

I was fucking fuming with my hubby at the time, I let off some steam to my mum and then calmed down and kissed and made up with hubby. He was a shit, I was a bitch in response.

If I'd written about it just after it happened, or waited and written about it the next day the 2 accounts would have been wildly different. Just saying

ExcuseTypos Tue 12-Nov-13 21:31:14

I got to the stage where I knew there'd be a row if I mildly criticised my DH. It nearly split us up as I got very fed up with it. So he decided to see a therapist, which he did for over a year. Things are very different now, a lovely, calm household.

OP, your H needs to know you aren't putting up with this anymore. He needs to sort his issues out or there will be serious consequences for your marriage.

Lweji Tue 12-Nov-13 21:36:38

Yes, we tend to forget what we don't care about.

arkestra Tue 12-Nov-13 21:40:59

I can't see much point in this kind of thread if people aren't prepared to be supportive to the OP.

There are a few people projecting on this thread. OP is not one of them from what I can see. There is a perfectly clear pattern of aggressive behaviour that she is trying to articulate - and she is being shut down.

I wonder if the people getting on OP's case could find it in themselves to ease off? I get the feeling there is a genuine pattern of aggression on the part of her partner. But if I were her I would not find the thread so far encouraging.

Mellowandfruitful Tue 12-Nov-13 21:53:41

I do hope OP comes back. There is support here for her. I think we could suggest some concrete ways forward if she will fill in some background about (as I said earlier) how long this has been going on for and what has been tried in the past to deal with it.

Loopyloulu Tue 12-Nov-13 22:18:36

Yama have a halo. You are obviously perfect. hmm

Maybe the OP isn't coming back because she now realises it was the storm in the teacup she hinted at right from the start?

I don't know how an episode of door slamming when someone is in a hurry to get to work and has been annoyed by his DW who admits she was 'in a mood' and gave him a 'look' translates into almost telling her to call Women's Aid or Victim Support.

If it's all that terrible why didn't she post about his violet outbursts etc as a thread in itself- and not just about the bin?

Me and DH forget to do things all the time. I go shopping and forget what we need sometimes. He forgets to do things all the time. I get cross, he gets cross. It's no big deal.

He's not a violent man so I'm not worried.

But neither do I text him and tell him not to come until I can see what he's like ( if that's what she meant- there are so many typos I can't quite follow all the post.)

Stop filling in the bloody gaps with your own ideas as if they are the truth,and wait for the OP to come back if she wants to. And Relationships posts are not always supportive of the OP- if anyone thinks that they clearly don't spend much time reading the forum.

Twinklestein Tue 12-Nov-13 22:25:04

'Filling in the gaps with your own ideas' is exactly what you've done Loopy. I hope the OP feels that there are enough people on the thread who 'get it', to ignore the minimisers and come back if she feels like it.

tingle1 Tue 12-Nov-13 22:31:22

Im sure op is living her life, whilst we all ferventley discuss her day to day living.

flippinada Tue 12-Nov-13 22:41:33

OP, I know where you're coming from and so do others on here Cogito has it right I think.

Ignore the naysayers. There's support here if you need it.

Anomaly Tue 12-Nov-13 22:46:35

I can't believe some of the posts on this thread. Op please post again. Start another thread if you dont want to come back to this one. I think you could do with some help and support.

Mrscropper Wed 13-Nov-13 04:59:13

Hi OP, I hope things are ok with you and hopefully you've managed to have a chat with DH and rectified things and dealing with his anger/rage issues. If 'giving the stink eye', 'glaring' or 'giving a dirt look' was an imprisonment offence I feel I may have be doing 'time' over the years.

I'm far from perfect and neither is my DH, he frustrates, upsets and angers me over his inability to talk about serious/meaningful things and I often felt unloved, neglected, unimportant etc and beneath his own interests. I may get tired of trying to discuss things because I feel it will fall on deaf ears or I don't want it to escalate into an argument without a solution but I would never fear saying something because of his rage, DH doesn't scare me.

I would also be classed as passive aggressive I guess. I have given the stink eye to my DH over the years, DH would just have just given me a cheesy grin and ask what he'd done while laughing. It was never a biggy. I have given the stink eye to my DC's if I felt they where acting out of turn and weren't beside me to speak immediately to them. They knew mum was cross about something and would come over or realise they where acting out of turn and stop what they where doing. If a driver dangerously pulled out on me, I would beep my horn to acknowledge my anger or shake my head at them if they where in my view. I don't feel any would justify having something slammed in my face!

I do feel you've been harshly treated on here and maybe you've set up a new ID, you're reading but afraid to post again, you've gone back to living the way things are or you've sorted out your differences with DH and living happy ever after. It's your life and you can live it as you see fit, nobody else can live it for you.

I don't know anyone on here in RL, I'm not a member of any group or clique, I don't post to provoke or to gain friends, credibility etc etc. My posts are from the heart and I always try to empathise. If you feel you need someone to talk to you are more than welcome to private message me. I can't promise to have all the answers or be able to 'fix' anything but I'm willing to listen without judgement if that's what you need x

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 07:12:53

Excellent post mrsc

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 07:23:25

Twinkle glad you were bright enough to spot that I too was filling in the gaps.

Correct.
I was.

Why? because I was showing that there are always 2 sides ( if you had bothered to read my whole post where I said this) so we simply don't know what is going on.

It's all conjecture.

All said and done I cannot believe that so many women get their knickers in a twist about a slammed door.

Christ almighty- I have a friend whose DH and her throw radios across the room at each other. They love each other- they just have short tempers.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 07:32:15

OP I hope things are OK with you today. If you wanted to tell a bit more of the back-story of your relationship, maybe that would set the 'stink-eye' incident in context. Unhappy relationships are often characterised by frequent, seemingly trivial events that add up to a corrosive pattern. When that pattern includes rage and fear, when one party feels they are walking on eggshells in case they enrage the other, then it becomes a bullying relationship and it is a really miserable way to live.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 07:39:52

"I cannot believe that so many women get their knickers in a twist about a slammed door."

A slammed door, like a deliberately smashed plate or hurled radio, is a violent act. Where there is already an equality or any suggestion of bullying, the person being destructive is showing how they are just one-removed from attacking the person. Intimidation, in other words. The OP said at the outset that he 'had form' for meeting mild criticism with aggressive behaviour. It is not unreasonable conjecture or 'knickers in a twist' to take from that that there is a pattern of similar examples.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 07:55:44

A slammed door, like a deliberately smashed plate or hurled radio, is a violent act. Where there is already an equality or any suggestion of bullying, the person being destructive is showing how they are just one-removed from attacking the person.

Don't you mean inequality?

Cog- usually you post quite reasoned advice. On this occasion I think you are jumping the gun. There is no evidence either here or in RL that these behaviours are one step away from attacking someone.

How do you make that connection - other than in your imagination? it's a rather provocative and dramatic statement, intended I'd say to raise the level of this post to something else.

Couples all have differing levels of 'acceptable' behaviour and how they react when they are annoyed. Acts of violence as you like to call them need not lead to physical attacks and you ought to think hard before saying things like that as if they are a fact.

Lweji Wed 13-Nov-13 07:55:54

I have a friend whose DH and her throw radios across the room at each other. They love each other- they just have short tempers.

Great example. hmm
One of these days the radio is going to hit someone.

It seems to me that's it's those blaming the OP who got their knickers in a twist in the effort of blaming her.

Other people are (were, when the OP was still around) trying to understand what happened.

It's not that trivial for someone to get out of a car, follow the other person and slam doors just because of a look, particularly when they are so rushed to work that they forgot what they were supposed to do. Besides, the OP indicated it's part of a pattern.

Lweji Wed 13-Nov-13 07:57:22

I was going to say, Loopy, that usually you post useful advice. On this occasion I think you are being very unfair on the OP, without knowing more about what is happening in her life. And definitely jumping the gun.

Lweji Wed 13-Nov-13 07:59:47

Whereas different couples have different degrees of acceptable behaviour, if this man's behaviour is not acceptable to the OP, that's what matters. Clearly they disagree on acceptable behaviour. He doesn't accept looks, she doesn't accept being chased to the house and door slamming.
They have a problem.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 08:11:51

Oh I dunno- I think they are both quite good at ducking radios now smile

Seriously, the OP doesn't say he followed her into the house etc.... It's all very unclear what happened. How he got from the car to the house and why he went back in the house- who knows? I assume she was in the house, he went back in, then left for work and slammed the front door. Wow. Big deal. IF that is what happened.

I agree that if he has a terrible temper and she is scared of him that IS a real issue. If on the other hand this was just a spat that loads of couples have early in the morning when under pressure to get to work, then it's nothing to get worked up over.

We don't know.

What I do feel is out of order is jumping to conclusions being certain that this guy is violent and she is being bullied.

It's that which worries me- I'd be fully supportive if it was clear that she was being bullied, but not if it was a tit-for-tat response which for them is par for the course.

I just want to know which before jumping to conclusions.

Lweji Wed 13-Nov-13 08:22:09

I'm sorry loopy, buy your previous posts don't feel balanced at all.
Some posters managed to be so confrontational to the OP, without even asking probing questions, that she went away and may never get the help she needs, either if she's making a storm in a tea cup or he really is abusive, or something in the middle.
That's what annoyed me in this thread.

And people got so polarised, particularly in blaming the OP, that any useful advice is difficult to find.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 08:24:34

'inequality' is what I meant ... a typo. Not jumping the gun at all and I think very hard before I write anything, thank you very much. There is a lot of evidence that aggressive, destructive behaviour is indicative of an abusive intimidating person. From the Womens Aid website, for example, on 'what is domestic violence'

Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

And nowhere have I said that this is definitely a violent relationship. I have asked the OP on a few occasions is this is an isolated example and to provide other examples if she can. I've said it was disproportionate and unreasonable.

Play the ball, not the man

Ahole Wed 13-Nov-13 08:27:25

If 'giving the stink eye', 'glaring' or 'giving a dirt look' was an imprisonment offence I feel I may have be doing 'time' over the years.

But slamming a door is? Really?!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 08:30:04

Slammiing a door is, if it's the tip of an iceberg. This man, we are told, exhibits aggressive behaviour when faced with mild criticism... on a regular enough basis to be described as having 'form'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 08:31:36

Slamming a door in someone's face... that should have been.

Ahole Wed 13-Nov-13 08:32:05

Cog- usually you post quite reasoned advice. On this occasion I think you are jumping the gun. There is no evidence either here or in RL that these behaviours are one step away from attacking someone. How do you make that connection - other than in your imagination? it's a rather provocative and dramatic statement, intended I'd say to raise the level of this post to something else.

That's why i think as well. There is such keenness in your posts to get op to tell you what a violent abusive arse he is. Based on very little. Perhaps its because you read about it so much on here that you may have lost a little perspective and see abusive behaviour everywhere.

Ahole Wed 13-Nov-13 08:35:14

I don't think anyone on here who is declaring the dh an abusive violent arse, should be saying that loopyLouLou is "jumping the gun". That's just ridiculous.

It's not that trivial for someone to get out of a car, follow the other person and slam doors just because of a look,

And its not trivial to be do passive aggressive bin shuffling whilst giving evils.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 08:36:41

I seriously doubt I've used the words 'violent abusive arse'. hmm

BitOutOfPractice Wed 13-Nov-13 08:36:51

I am also guilty of door slamming (although to be fair not in anyone's face). It can be very satisfying when you're cross. In fact when I got a new kitchen with soft close doors I was a bit disappointed as it prevents the post-argument flouncing about in the kitchen in a strop thing.

I agree I'm afraid cog. I think you are usually very measured but I think you've got a bit ahead of yourself here.

Ahole Wed 13-Nov-13 08:37:01

I'd befullysupportive if it was clear that she was being bullied, but not if it was a tit-for-tat response which for them is par for the course. I just want to know which before jumping to conclusions.

Exactly.

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Nov-13 08:41:08

I agree. Cog is looking for violence here where there may be none.

Giving a dirty look certainly isn't an imprisonment offence, neither is slamming a door.

I dare say that if the OP had forgotten the bins in her hurry to get to work and been given a passive aggressive eye roll from her DH, she'd be told she was in the right to slam a door. I can't imagine she'd be told she'd been violent.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 08:48:14

I'm certainly not looking for violence, this isn't a double standards 'you're only getting at him because he's a man' situation, and - even though the OP appears to agree with my assessment and is best placed to do that - I'm getting the impression there's an attempt to bully me out of the picture.

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Nov-13 08:49:31

Disagreement isn't bullying. Even when quite a few people disagree.

OP has had some great advice here, I'm sure she's listening to all points of view.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 08:51:42

Now that the OP has been chased off the thread, I see people are rounding on Cogito who has said that there might be more to this than just a bit of door slamming.

The OP has said that she is scared of her husband's aggressive responses but don't that let get in the way of "it's all a fuss about nothing".

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 08:56:03

I think there is definitely an element of bullying going on here.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 13-Nov-13 08:57:20

Bully you cog? Now I really do think you're looking for stuff that isn't there!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 08:59:09

I know when I'm being got at... smile

Lweji Wed 13-Nov-13 09:02:08

I said loopy was jumping the gun and never uses the expression violent arse in my life. smile

People saying he just slammed the door forgot he got out of the car to do it.
People who say he was in a hurry forget he took the time to leave the car and get back in the house.
People who say it was nothing forget the words of the OP about how he generally is and the tone of the post. It's different to say look at what the bastard DH did this morning and say you are fed up of his behaviour and this was the last string. Dismissive posters should be rereading the OP's posts again.
Not saying he is abusive, but there is more to this and the OP deserved to be treated better. By her oh and here.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 09:04:52

Exactly Lweji.

If this was a one off flare up due to stress I doubt that the OP would have bothered posting about it on here.

Ahole Wed 13-Nov-13 09:05:52

I dare say that if the OP had forgotten the bins in her hurry to get to work and been given a passive aggressive eye roll from her DH, she'd be told she was in the right to slam a door. I can't imagine she'd be told she'd been violent.

Yes and he would have been called a passive aggressive twunt.

Ahole Wed 13-Nov-13 09:08:07

Just because some people disagree with you cog doesn't bullying make!

Lweji Wed 13-Nov-13 09:10:53

If the op had said she does nothing at home before leaving and forgot to do the only thin she was supposed to and her oh gave her a dirty look, I'd certainly tell her she had been a twat and had massively overeacted for getting out of the car again when already driving away, storming into the house and slamming a door.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 09:11:28

When I'm misrepresented, accused of imagining violence and various other things that I find personally offensive, then I'll be the judge of whether I'm being bullied or not. Thanks...

MorrisZapp Wed 13-Nov-13 09:24:04

Well that's never going to happen is it. Nobody is going to come on here slagging themselves off and mentioning how little they do in the home.

Anybody looking for support is going to say that they have a legitimate grievance, as is their right.

I guess they both felt justified in their reactions, for reasons that would probably sound sympathetic and credible if we heard them from the source.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 10:08:07

Cog

then I'll be the judge of whether I'm being bullied or not

what you feel is your right.
what is actually happening- objectively- is another matter.

No one is bullying you. We might disagree with you on this point.

You aren't always right and it's a bit well, flouncy, to say you are being bullied off a thread just because a few posters happen to take you to task for reading more into a post than is there.

If anyone reads my posts here you will see that I have bent over backwards to say we don't know the whole story and the OPs posts are confusing at best due to either typos or words missed out .........

Rather than jumping the gun, I've been at pains to say we don't know all about this marriage. I've given another side BUT I have made it very plain that the 'other side' is an IF , not an absolute.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 10:12:35

If you're all about the constructive comments and being fair, why did you make a snotty comment about the OPs typing Loopy?

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 10:13:41

Lweji

People saying he just slammed the door forgot he got out of the car to do it.
People who say he was in a hurry forget he took the time to leave the car and get back in the house.

People didn't say this- I said he might have done any of this but we don't know. How hard is that to understand ????confused

Neither you nor I have any idea of the real chain of events.

You don't know why he went back to the house (if he did- it may well have been the car door he slammed shut). Maybe he went in for a pee, or to get something he'd forgotten. It is all conjecture because the OP hasn't told us.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 10:14:30

And I think you will find that quite a few posters on here agree with Cogitos assessment of the situation and not yours.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 10:15:33

Flip - it wasn't a snotty comment. here you go again... making inferences where none exist. It wasn't a snotty comment. It was a comment saying that her post was confusing- she keeps writing 'if' when I think she means 'he' and it makes it VERY hard to understand what she is on about.

End of. This is getting silly.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 10:16:30

Oh flip- do go away love. You are reverting to schoolgirl behaviour. More agree with X than Y...how childish.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 10:25:41

I'm being childish? Ok...

Maybe you should ask yourself why you are so keen to dismiss the possibility that there might be more to this.

If you think the OP is talking rubbish you could always just not post and leave it people who want to offer the OP support and a place to talk.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 10:41:23

and you could stick to the OPs questions instead of wading in defending another poster with whom a few people have disagreed with. Maybe your next post will be along the lines of 'My dad's bigger than yours'. That seems to be the way your posts are going.

Since when were posts on this forum always supportive?

The Op asked if she had overreacted. Seems pretty reasonable to me to say yes, possibly, on the evidence she presented. She asked a question. She didn't say only reply if you agree with me.

She's had bags of opportunity to come back and fill in the gaps. If she felt I or anyone was misunderstanding her then why hasn't she come back? If, according to your maths, more people agree with Cog than me, well- she's plenty of support, hasn't she?

Isetan Wed 13-Nov-13 10:47:07

WTF! I've been away one day getting all gangsta on the head lice that have set up residence on my daughters head and this thread has turned into a witch trial.

While many of you are not particularly fond of the stink eye (I personally use it sparingly with my DD as It can be very effective and has stopped her from continuing some dangerous behaviour when she was younger), In the context of the OP it is totally understandable as a one off response to behaviour which creates extra work for her. As a long term communication tool the stink eye is ineffective because the power of the stink eye lies is in its infrequent use.

Taking the bins out is a time sensitive chore and if you miss the bin men then in some parts of the country you could be left with stinking bins for a fortnight. So I can easily imagine in the mad rush of a school day morning I would be seriously pissed off if my partner forgot/ couldn't be arsed to remember one of his few chores because as always I would be expected to pick up the slack as really any house related chores should be the SAHP responsibility. The stink eye is contextually understandable, marching back into the house so as to slam a door, less so.

The OP has stated that she is fearful of her H's response in conflict situations and has to repeat herself, which suggests a breakdown in communication, add door slamming into the mix and that fearfulness only gets further cemented.

OP, I hope you are still around, Cog an Dahlen speak a lot of sense. You gave your H the stink eye not stabbed him with a dagger dipped in poison. If he has a habit of getting aggressive when challenged then that's a problem which he needs to resolve, if he doesn't protect yourself.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 10:51:29

You really don't like being disagreed with you? However that's not my problem. It is a problem for people who come here looking for support and feel they might not be believed though.

There are supportive posters but I doubt the OP will want to come back to this thread.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 11:22:43

You really don't like being disagreed with you?

LOL- you are so funny.
Pots? kettles?

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 11:27:24

Whatever you say Loopy .

Good post, Isetan.

Lweji Wed 13-Nov-13 19:38:07

Loopy, and others, seem to have a bad case of cherry picking.

For example, you only picked the if in the hypothesis about being in a hurry. It doesn't matter if there was an if. The point is that this hypothesis doesn't make sense because he took time to get out of the car, walk into the house, only give grief to the op (deduced from her complaint about being fed up of him screaming at her) and slam the door in her face.
If I was in such a hurry that I forgot the bins, I would never go back to have a fight.
And all he had to do was get himself ready.

And people keep saying he just slammed a door (now it's a car's???), when the worrying bit is that he went out of his way to have a fight. He didn't just slam the door on his way out, as he was leaving for work. It's the whole getting out of the car and so on. For a look. Who does that? Road ragers, maybe.

Yes, the account was muddled, but there is enough in the OP's posts to suggest that he's not a particularly nice person.
I still don't know why she got that much grief over a look.

Strumpetron Wed 13-Nov-13 19:58:16

I still don't know why she got that much grief over a look

Yet it's perfectly fine to accuse the OP's DH of being abusive for slamming a door.

Posting links to Women's Aid definitions proves nothing, I'm pretty sure you'll also find dirty looks a sign of being abusive too but I don't for one minute think the OP is an abusive partner. From the information we have had so far it seems like a silly outburst in which they both behaved immaturely, until more information is included theres no basis for a lot of the comments that have been chucked around concerning the DP.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 20:02:04

I don't either Lweji.

I've seen this happen before - someone comes on looking for advice and gets flamed to bits over nothing. Horrible.

I think anyone can relate to the odd flare up over a stressful morning but op has said this isn't a one off and yes there's enough to suggest there's more to it than that. I hope she's ok.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 20:07:39

I think the strongest comment made by anyone is that the husband might be abusive and that his behaviour suggests he's not a very nice person.

ghostonthecanvas Wed 13-Nov-13 20:12:21

Don't we communicate using facial expressions? Why is the op getting such a hard time? I know lots of people who use facial expressions to convey exactly what they are thinking. I don't know anyone who gets out of their car and storms back to the house just to slam a door.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 20:12:44

A direct quote from the op: "It is his disproportionate rage for the smallest criticism that has worn me down"

I think it's pretty clear from that there is more to it than a one off over-reaction.

Strumpetron Wed 13-Nov-13 20:13:45

I think a 'shitty parter' is quite a strong comment, and a lot of posts trying to imply he's abusive, aggressive, a threat to her and the children.. being painted in a very negative light on the basis of very little.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 20:14:31

Lwegi I don't know how you work that one out about the comings and goings and the door slammings. There's some very dodgy detective work going on here- glad you aren't in the Met!

If he was in the car, and he slammed a door in her face, how do you know it wasn't the car door- which he may have opened to talk to her?

If he left the car to go into the house, and shut the door in her face, then where was she? Was she coming into the house behind him up the drive? Or was she already in the house, he came in for something, and then he closed the door- with her still inside the house but near the front door?

Closing the door in someones face requires them to be on either side of the door. She didn't say he went back inside. If he did, she'd have had to go inside before him and be following him out of the front door-otherwise none of it is physically possible.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 20:15:51

Did you have a look at that quote there from the op Strumpetron?

Maybe I should have highlighted the "disproportionate rage" bit.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 20:19:39

The op states it in the first post Loopy. Brackets are mine)

"if(this will mean he - it's a common auto correct if you're using a phone or ipad) got out of the car with a 'how dare you look at me like that' attitude, stormed into the house and slammed a door in my face then went to work.
"

Strumpetron Wed 13-Nov-13 20:20:09

Actually no, I did read that at the beginning and still felt she was talking about this incident, obviously I am very happy to be proven wrong if the OP would like to discuss further, and get some advice from people.

One thing I don't do in relationships is put words into people's mouths, and I don't create my own backstory when I read events. Because I think that can have very negative results. I wait until more is given so we can get a fuller view and actually make comments based on fact rather than what we imagine to be the case.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 20:25:01

Oh. I don't see how she could be much clearer. It's not the sort of comment you would make about a one off, out of character incident is it?

Joysmum Wed 13-Nov-13 20:32:52

Bugger, reading this I've just realised that actually my marriage isn't happy at all and that I'm abusive, aggressive and bullying towards my husband. Poor man must be too scared if me to divorce me because I'm wielding my power over him

...or else we might just have the occasional row and get frustrated and react.

There are a hell of a lot of details missing from this situation which would clarify whether this incident is the latest in a long line of issues in an abusive relationship, whether it's just a relationship that's limping on and both parties have lost their respect for one another, or whether it's just a disagreement.

Given my history, I think it's the latter. If someone has been a victim of domestic physical or mentally abusive relationship might think that this could be the start of domestic violence. The numerous people in loveless relationships that stay together anyway may see this as being the case.

Nobody knows.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 13-Nov-13 20:33:10

I don't think I am too way out when I suggest that someone who (in the OP's words) "uses disproportionate rage at the smallest criticism to wear her down" is a shitty partner.

I would consider it shitty. If anyone doesn't, I would wonder about what you are accepting in your own relationships.

Mrscropper Wed 13-Nov-13 20:37:30

Ahole - But slamming a door is? Really?!

I don't recall saying it was?

My posts are intended for the OP to offer my support, not to gain support for my own personal opinions. Opinions are like arseholes, we all have one, some just stink more than others. If people think my opinions stink that's fine, they're mine and I make no apologies for them.

Loopyloulu Wed 13-Nov-13 20:41:27

But how can you possibly decide or know what anyone else means by 'disproportionate' rage or anything to do with behaviour? It's subjective.

She already said she was 'in a mood'. Maybe he is fed up to the back teeth of her' moods'. We don't know do we?

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 20:47:59

No, I think it's quite clear what disproportionate rage means.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Wed 13-Nov-13 20:48:45

Loopy, then we might as well shut up the Relationships topic for good and just put a sticky up

"We will not support you because we haven't heard the other side of the story."

cloudskitchen Wed 13-Nov-13 22:24:00

"I gave dh the stink eye, now all hell has broken loose" well that was a self fulfilling prophecy...!

ItsNotATest Wed 13-Nov-13 22:32:53

I frequently forget to put the bin out, even when I remembered 10 mins before. Mornings are not my strong point.

Fortunately I live on my own and don't need to contend with stink eyes.

Granville72 Thu 14-Nov-13 11:22:53

They sound about as bad as one another and maybe mornings aren't either of their strong point.

Both need to apologise, all seems a little over reaction.

And put the bins out the night before. Problem solved.

Twinklestein Thu 14-Nov-13 11:45:02

If the OP had consisted of the following, I highly suspect (well, I hope) many of the unintelligent posts on this thread would not have been made:

I can't put up with aggressive behavior when facing mild criticism and not to bother coming home until he can see what he's like. He has form for this and I don't want the kids learning to be like this.

It is his disproportionate rage for the smallest criticism that has worn me down.

I have been biting my tongue over everything.

I don't want to fear rage from him for me or dcs when he shouts.

This thread is not about bins. It's not about an over-reaction on the part of the OP. It's about a husband with a patterns of disproportionate rage & aggressive behaviour which has 'worn down' the OP to the point that she is concerned that her children will pick up his behaviour.

Ahole Thu 14-Nov-13 11:59:13

I agree with everything loopyLouLou said.

Granville72 Thu 14-Nov-13 13:34:06

I think we've all gathered it's not about the damn bins but about moods and attitudes and the kids seeing it.

They both sound as bad as one another, both sulky and moody and prone to irrational outbursts. She doesn't want the kids to see how the dad behaves but she seems to be just as bad. She already admitted she was in a mood that morning before he even forgot about the bin, but she happily stormed out there giving the evil eye all over a blinking dustbin.

He's probably just as fed up as she is. They either work it through for the sake of the kids, or go their separate ways, also for the sake of the kids.

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 17:59:59

Asolutely Twinklestein. In fact, you might say it's enough to put someone in a bad mood, isn't it?

Although being in a mood and looking at people in the wrong way is as bad as, if not worse than all those things.

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 18:00:23

Apparently.

azzbiscuit Thu 14-Nov-13 19:13:36

Wtf a man got pissed off because he was given a dirty look for being forgetful? He probably has a porn addiction.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Thu 14-Nov-13 20:44:15

helpful

has anyone got anything useful to say to the OP, or is this thread going to keep getting bumped by randoms popping in to add increasingly stupid and inane soundbites ?

cloudskitchen Thu 14-Nov-13 21:26:59

I have a feeling op has given up on it and I can't say I blame her shock

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 22:05:15

Yes, fair point Mists. Hope op is ok.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Thu 14-Nov-13 22:16:22

I didn't mean you, ada smile

flippinada Thu 14-Nov-13 22:35:41

Ah ok, crossed wires! smile

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