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Dp talks to me like I'm a ****

(52 Posts)
Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 11:39:05

We had a massive row yesterday.

Nothing major happened but I went a bit doolally after he spoke to me like a **.
Then acted like I'd done something unforgivable, said I was a c* and he wasn't interested in me anymore.

I can only give examples of what he is like (even when he's in a good mood).

If anyone leaves the kitchen door open (it's cold in there) he won't say 'can you shut the door please' on our way through, he will wait until we have left it open, then make a sarcy snide comment like 'yeah, you just leave the door open then thats fine'
He can't say something politely when it's happening he will leave it until the 'mistake has been made, then make nasty comments, it really gets my back up.
He does it to my teen son and he does it to me in front of the kids.
I usually get annoyed and pull him up on it, which ends in a row with him telling me I'm a c****.

Yesterday we were in the car, he was in the back with ds2 2yo.
I pulled off from our parking space, when a few seconds had passed he said 'you just pull off when I haven't clipped ds in properly, that's fine, you carry on'
I said ' why couldn't you say something before I pulled away?' He then said 'yep it's my fault, all my fault'
I realise I should have been more thoughtful and realise my mistake, but think he could have helped the situation by telling me when it mattered.
This then became about me not taking responsibility.
When we got home he unclipped ds from his seat and took him out at the end of our road, which infuriated me.

Later we argued which ended in me crying for hours.

He made nasty comments about my mental health too (I have ocd).

I felt dead inside and am still feeling shock from his comments.

I know I make mistakes and am far from perfect but I just want him to stop setting me up to fail in his books so he can verbally abuse me further.

I'm lonely, I live nowhere near family and friends, I can't leave and won't leave this house.
My sons need to stay here so leaving isn't an option.
I'm afraid I just have to live with this but limit the damage.

I already have to manage what's on tv at weekends because of the nasty comments he makes about people on tv, he thinks he's hilarious!

A lot of the time we get on great but I've realised this is only when things are going 100% his way,

He is negative a lot of the time and if we do something as a family he just points out how crap everything is. It's draining.

I looked into leaving but my son will be devastated and I will get the blame.
From the outside I have it good because I'm a SAHM.

Btw his dad does the same, makes sarcy comments.

Just want to know what your thoughts are!

(((((hugs)))))

This is not a normal, healthy relationship. He sounds like an utter arse and he is dragging you down massively.

I completely understand that you don't want to leave, but this can't carry on. Can you ask him to leave? Are you married/is the house in joint names? Can you seek advice from a solicitor?

Sorry to say this, and I don't think I ever have before, but you need to LTB. Not only for your sake, but also for your DCs sake. He cannot be a positive influence on them sad

He's a fucking bully and you're doing your sons no favours by staying. However, you seem adamant about staying and allowing your teenage son to continue receiving abuse and possibly repeating these patterns in future relationships, so carry on.

Let him keep sucking every last bit of joy from you. Let it continue to affect your mental health. Let your boys grow up thinking this is how a man treats women.

You can't change your H. This behaviour is ingrained. He thinks you're worthless and that he's superior to everyone.

MrsPnut Mon 11-Nov-13 11:50:38

He sounds awful, and you certainly don't deserve to be treated like that.
The not strapping you son in, is definitely his fault - he should have said as you began to move the car so he could strap him in not 2 minutes after you started driving and why did he not strap him in the minute you all got into the car?

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 11:55:19

We rent in both names.
He won't leave and I can't get the funds to get a deposit.
Most landlords won't rent to mums on benefits.

I will lose the car then I really won't be able to afford to see my family. Petrol is 22£ but train fares for three if us isn't doable in benefits.

I have thought it all through and nothing works my favour financially or emotionally.

Jan45 Mon 11-Nov-13 11:55:27

He sounds a complete misery - I don't understand why you think it's okay for your son to be witness to the way he is talking to you - it's not a good example to set any child.

Also, you are giving him the green light to carry on with his nastiness and he'll think he can get away with pretty much anything.

If, at all, possible look into setting up again without him or at least give him two barrels of how and why you are not willing to put up with his awful moods, you wouldn't take it from a friend, so why take it from your partner?

LEMisafucker Mon 11-Nov-13 12:00:00

There are loads of single mums out there who manage, and do better because of leaving, do not stay with someone for financial reasons. I am not uptight about the C word, i say it alot but your DH is calling you a cunt on regular basis. That makes me feel really sad.

Could you move and rent closer to your family? Could you save up gradually for a deposit? (Even if it's £10 a week, it will make you feel like you're doing something/preparing)

Could you stay with your family whilst you're looking? Do they know what's going on?

Sorry for all the questions, but in terms of things working in your favour emotionally he is not going to change. At all. He is a bully and, to be blunt, abusive. You have two choices - you either get out of the relationship, create a secure and loving home for you and your DC and realise that you can be far, far happier than you are now; or you can stay, be miserable, teach your DC that it's OK to be treated like a doormat and put up with this poor excuse for a man.

I'm sorry to be harsh, I know you must be going through a dreadful time, but PLEASE don't put up with this sad

BarbarianMum Mon 11-Nov-13 12:03:45

<<Most landlords won't rent to mums on benefits.>>

That's not true. Many landlords won't rent to a mum on benefits, but some do and so do the Council and housing association (though you may have to wait a bit).

Why do your boys need to stay in the area? Is it cause of school/exams?

The one thing that isn't working in anyone's favor (except your p's but I'm not worried about him) is the present situation. So if you can't leave now, what can you do to leave soon?

BibbleBabbleBobble Mon 11-Nov-13 12:04:34

Your partner is calling you a word that you can't even bear to type out on an anonymous Internet forum?

This relationship is damaging to your son.

Most landlords don't want to rent to someone on benefits, that is true. But some will. Mine did.

pigsDOfly Mon 11-Nov-13 12:05:08

This sort of abusive behaviour wears you down like water on a rock. You accept it and creep around on egg shells so you don't incur his wrath. You're very unhappy. You don't need to live like this.

You say you can't leave but you can you know - or better, ask him to leave - your DS will adjust and you will cope. Atm you're not doing your DC any favours by staying with this nasty man; this is not what your DC need to see as a role for their future relationships.

As ohfourfoxache says, you need to consider the situation re your house etc. and finances. You will get a lot of wonderful, helpful advice here from women who can help you more than I can so keep posting.

Please don't feel you have to accept his abuse. You're worth more than that.

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:08:21

I can't stay with family.

My son is in the middle of his gcses, I think I'm going start squirrelling away money.

Then hopefully I will be in better position in a few months.

Thanks, I just really wanted to know that it wasn't me that was being unreasonable.

Now I see he was also at fault.

DottyboutDots Mon 11-Nov-13 12:09:42

You just can't see the positives of leaving but there will be loads! RIght now, he bullies you and because you believe you have to stay, it gives him ore power, he respects you less and it will get worse. You need to get some balance back and get him to respect you.

Who says you have OCD btw, has he diagnosed you? Or is it worse in times of stress?

I have no advice of how to make someone leave but if you both left, would you not get your deposit back and then perhaps you could move nearer your family with someone coming in as guarantor?

You have one life and your youngest is two. You are also teaching them that is how to speak to their partner as you know your husband learnt it from his.

DottyboutDots Mon 11-Nov-13 12:11:00

Make a diary, that's what my good friend did and then she could see it in black and white. Also, when her partner was being a bastard, she just thought "I need to write this one down".

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:14:04

I will start a log, thanks.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:15:45

He's definitely a bully. That sarcastic way of speaking is a real give-away. 'Lowest form of wit'. It's nasty, cowardly behaviour and, if he takes the piss out of your mental health issues as well, that would be par for the course. Inadequate people have to make others feel bad in order to feel good.

Sorry you're in this situation. Glad you're thinking of leaving him behind. Stand up to him or ignore him in the meantime, however, and don't show him that he's getting to you

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:17:48

BTW... do get some legal advice. You're not married to this man but your DCs have certain rights, especially in regard to financial support.

Tuhlulah Mon 11-Nov-13 12:19:21

How were you unreasonable? Of course it's his fault, he undermines you and your sons at every step. You think they'll be devastated if you part -maybe they won't! Living with this going on every day IMPACTS on them and you.

This is domestic abuse. He learned it from his father and your sons are learning it from their father. That is not your fault but you are letting it continue.

Yes, start putting money aside for an escape route. You need to get away from this man, who is controlling you, and is so scared that you will leave/become independent that he has to erode every bit of self-confidence and self respect you have.

I don't know what help is available to women in your situation. Why don't you contact women's refuges (not to go to, because for one thing I'd be surprised if they'd let you take a GCSE age son in anyway) but for guidance on what's available to you.

Calling you a cunt is not acceptable, whether or not it is in front of your children. You should say,'Yes, i think you're right, I must be a cunt to put up with an insecure inadequate little man like you.'

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:20:55

Sorry my son is quite demanding.

I've had ocd since I was 10, I've had a flare up due to a recent family death.

I'm going to log stuff and start saving, by the time my son has done his gcses I should be in a better position to find another place.

I can't go back home because he will no doubt take me to court to stay local, he has rights.

Re Now I see he was also at fault

No. He is at fault. FULL STOP. This is not of your doing - please, please remember that.

He has worn you down. This is him, not you sad

Alexandrite Mon 11-Nov-13 12:21:05

How awful. I think it does sound like he is speaking to you in a contemptuous way and I think they say that once there is contempt in a relationship it is beyond saving. I think it's a good plan to start saving to possibly leave in future. In the meantime have you tried couples counselling to see if it would help him think about the way he speaks to you? I'd play him that Father Ted episode with Father Jessup The Most Sarcastic Priest in Ireland to show him how ridiculous he sounds.
www.tvquotedb.com/shows/father-ted/quote_20788.html

walterwhiteswife Mon 11-Nov-13 12:23:04

I didn't have a bean when I left dh and I had to go to a refuge. there is no excuse to stay with someone who is abusing you regularly and you're sons witnessing it. stop making excuses not to leave him because trust me it won't get better x

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:26:48

You'll find he has fewer rights than you think. You're not married and that's highly significant when it comes to rights. If you need to move to another town in order to be able to support your DCs and be with family, a court is not going to prevent you. You might find a call to Womens Aid useful... 0808 2000 247. They can give you a lot of very good information about finances, accommodation, legal matters and the other things that may be standing in the way of you currently getting out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:29:02

@Alexandrite... Couples counselling is not recommended where there is abusive or bullying behaviour. Reason being that this man, like all bullies, does not accept he's in the wrong. If he went along, he would use the sessions in order to pay lipservice at best and, at worst, gather more ammunition to use against the OP. He makes Father Jessup sound quite loveable .... hmm (Big Ted fan)

rainbowfeet Mon 11-Nov-13 12:30:06

Oh dear.. He sounds like an immature teenager!!! How annoying for you! confused

No more advice to add ... Other than if I can manage as a lone parent.. Anyone can!! thanks

Alexandrite Mon 11-Nov-13 12:42:55

Good point Cognito. I'm not sure what the OP could do then to make things more bearable until she leaves after her son's GCSEs. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 12:44:42

Locking him in Father Jack's underpants hamper would be too good for him....

BuzzardBird Mon 11-Nov-13 12:53:28

I second contacting Women's Aid. Please don't let your sons grow up thinking this behaviour is acceptable.

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:54:05

I was a lone parent until my son was ten when we moved here to be with him.
I know what it's like I'm not scared of being on my own, it's the emotional upheaval that it will cause my teen, he's sensitive and we moved here to 'settle'.

I have a plan,
In the meantime I will just keep myopathy shut and keep away from him as much as possible.

He was great until I became a SAHM.
What does that say?

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 12:54:38

Myopathy?
My mouth shut!

I would rather you and your son away from this man and settled than being together and miserable with him abusing you within your home.
GCSEs are tough going but the way things are at home he would be better off out of there as well. He cannot very well study and revise properly whilst all this is kicking off at home; he likely fears for your safety as much as anything else.

Squirreling money away takes time, lots of it and that is a commodity you really do not have a lot of. It could take months even years to save enough to get out and at what emotional cost to yourselves in the meantime?. The longer you remain within this environment at all, the worse it will become for you and your children.

Your children do not need such a poor role model as a father figure.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?. What do you think they are learning here?.

Also bullying men like this person more often than not refuse to leave so you're going to have to seek legal advice to get him out. You are not powerless although he would like you to think that you are.

Do call Womens Aid; they can and will help you here.

So glad you're thinking of escaping this sad excuse for a man.

In the meantime, disengage...and how about some coping strategies? Cunt bingo, for example? (And make a note every time he says it). How about out-sarkying him? "Sorry I didn't shut the door. It must be so tiring for you living with such an idiotic cunt. How do you cope?" Or laugh in his face, tell him to keep his hair on, sing, change the subject breezily, or just ignore - anything to stop his nasty behaviour getting to you. Stop doing things for him (youre such a cunt you'd probably get it wrong anyway...) And Never apologise.

I'm looking forward to this worm turning at last. You can do it, OP wink

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 11-Nov-13 13:23:15

So his dad is the same, his mouth is a weapon. The only time life is sweet is when everything goes his way. It is easy for me to say don't take it to heart because you provide a useful service in his opinion: an audience. It's demoralising hearing how rubbish you are. He bigs himself up by belittling others. Has he started on the DCs yet?

Any time he chortles at or ridicules something on tv or bad luck affecting others, he considers it a win for him. The more he finds fault or sets you up to fail, he scores. Any perceived chink in your armour, I bet he glows. What kind of dad gloats about DS2 not being strapped safely in, just to take a cheap shot at the mother? What next, a candle not fully extinguished, a broken glass on the floor like lying in wait?

From the outside I have it good because I'm a SAHM.
You don't though, do you. If family and friends are far away they don't see you often enough to get a truthful picture. People who know him and have met you will think, "Poor her, rather her than me".

Teen son will see you ground down. He won't hold P in any regard. The little ones won't know any better but they're going to know when Daddy's shouting and Mummy's crying.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Nov-13 13:29:06

He was great until I became a SAHM. What does that say?

It says he hid his true colours until he had you where he wanted you - dependent. Then he gave rein to his inner arsehole.

Thecowjumpedoverthemoon Mon 11-Nov-13 14:46:59

Thanks for the replies.
I have a lot to consider, my head is spinning.

Retroformica Mon 11-Nov-13 14:52:49

Can you just religiously paraphrase everything the way he should have said and using a normal nice voice. It's what I do with the kids. So DS says demanding 'I want milk now' and I say nicely on his behalf 'please can I have milk mum'

But why can't you leave him? Your son will grow up and talk to you and other women if you stay and put up with it.

gingermop Mon 11-Nov-13 14:57:41

I was in a relationship like that for many years, was so unhappy and lonely, c* was my ex's fav word too, so vile.
I put up with it for so long because I didnt want to upset our children.
I got to a point where I couldnt go on, breaking point, I realized I deserved better, my kids deserved better, we left, best thing I ever did.
u only have one life, please dont stay in a relationship like this just for the sake of ur kids, trust me they will b much happier one u r happy x

One step at a time. You've got an awful lot to take in and it is going to take time to fully realise that you are not the one in the wrong.

Baby steps, start putting some money aside, talk to your family and, if you can, see a solicitor. Don't tell him you're doing this until you feel strong enough x

Olddear Tue 12-Nov-13 18:52:55

Have you spoken to your teen? Try and suss out how he would feel about you and dad living apart? Not sure quite how to phrase it, but if you could get him to talk about how he feels when dad belittles you/him?

Fairenuff Tue 12-Nov-13 19:01:28

I can't leave and won't leave this house. My sons need to stay here so leaving isn't an option. I'm afraid I just have to live with this but limit the damage.

It's not possible to limit the damage, I'm afraid. If you can't leave you will have to put up with this. And so will your ds. Sorry sad

How's it going, OP?

BiHubbyLondon Wed 13-Nov-13 12:28:47

This is awful, but it sounds like he might be suffering some sort of depressive illness, to behave in such a bullying, horrid way. Is he hiding things? Does he talk about his feelings?

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 12:49:23

BiHubby he might be depressed but that's neither here nor there really. It's moot an excuse for behaving in an abusive way.

OP, I also recommend calling women's aid. Men like this mess with your head until you don't know which way is up and they will often up the abuse when they perceive you as being dependent on them (hence it escalating after you became a sahm) You have more tights than you think here.

flippinada Wed 13-Nov-13 12:50:26

Excuse random odd words, am on phone.

I also meant to say sorry for your loss x

ProudestDad Sat 16-Nov-13 19:16:33

Dear OP,

Please read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship, How to Recognize it and How to Respond" by Patricia Evans

www.amazon.co.uk/The-Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize/dp/1440504636

This bully will not lovingly and respectfully share the ups and downs of life with you nor will he take responsibility for his abusive words and actions. He will not change. The book will show you that none of his behavior is your fault. The book will also show you the negative effect that your receiving the abuse could have on your DCs.

I learned a lot from this book after leaving a verbally, and ultimately physically, abusive wife. I wish I had read it years ago and seen her for who and what she actually is - an abuser.

I believe that you should leave now. It will never feel like "a good time" to do so, but it will all work out because I promise you that you will be free of feeling the need to walk on the egg shells.

Stay or go, this is your decision and this forum will be here for you in whatever you decide to do.

You have the power to end your sadness because you are nothing less than amazing :-)

Hi OP. Your post rung true to me in many ways , from a situation I once found myself in (1 year on)

I don't think well of how your DP is talking to you; disrespectful, patronising. I recognise this as I put up with it for too l

Posted too soon!
Too long. I know what it's like to feel distanced.

I'm not entirely sure of what advice to post , I know myself j didn't want to hear it.

What I can tell you is that you certainly don't deserve this. If you're prepared to accept it there's a whole eod out there of support and opportunity - where you least expect it - and you're in the right place here - read my previous posts to know just how much!

iworemyfringelikerogermcguinns Sat 16-Nov-13 19:35:31

Hi OP

My mum was and still is like this - she is relentlessly negative and sarcastic and over time this led to my lovely loyal dad becoming completely hen-pecked and my brother and I having very little confidence.

The worst thing for me is that because I grew up in such an environment, it was normal and I also became very sarcastic and nippy, without ever realising it. My P7 teacher told be that I had a very dark sense of humour, FFS.

I do not, ever, want to be like the draining PITA that my mum is - she's not got a good word to say about anyone. But I can be a total arsehole. So one of the best things that ever happened to me was when I was backpacking and I spent a couple of days with a lovely Kiwi man I'd met who told me, very politely and non-judgmentally, that I was the most negative, wingey person he'd ever met. I think hearing it from a stranger made me realise how bad I was. I still need to monitor what I say / think and try to be nicer - it helps a lot that I work in a place where we are all very professional and don't bitch or slag off our clients. However, I also probably accepted shitty treatment from my ex for years because it was normal to me and I'm probably still more of a pain than I think I am.

So what I'm trying to say is that regardless of why he's like this, the example he's setting for your DC is a harmful one. I've learned that the hard way.

ShinyBauble Sat 16-Nov-13 21:23:46

As you aren't in immediate danger I don't think packing cases and leaving is the best plan.

Start to make your exit plan. You'll find him easier to deal with knowing that it will only be for a short time more. Does your son finish school next summer? Six months will give you time to work on your skills with online courses making you more employable if you will need to get a job, get advice from the likes of Women's Aid and Shelter, open a bank account and put some money away. Hide any evidence carefully - if you ever get a bank statement out, don't put it down on the table, hold it until you hide it away again. (And if you get caught, say you were saving for Christmas/holiday/son's college.)

ProudestDad Sat 16-Nov-13 22:39:38

OP, you wrote:

He made nasty comments about my mental health too (I have ocd).

I felt dead inside and am still feeling shock from his comments.

The comments made by this bully are emotionally damaging and the feelings stated by you in your original post are worrying for me. I believe that great injury has already been inflicted on you.

In my experience verbal abuse might not have caused me any physical bruises, but the psychological effects of the words said to me, words that made me too feel "dead inside," did manifest themselves in an emotionally damaging and physically painful way. These very real effects, for me, are were more difficult to put behind me and get over than the bruise I suffered from the smack in the face.

Good luck

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 17-Nov-13 22:45:23

We let a house to a Mum on benefits with two DCs. I have great respect for her. It was a bit rocky at the beginning and we let her pay the deposit in three portions. We had loads of choice regarding tenants but were astonished at the lovely manners her little boy had (5yo) and felt we wanted to help her as we took to her as a person too. 16 months in now and all's well. We are committed to keeping her as a tenant and she loves the house and is doing a great job as a single mum.
I had an exDP that was EA. I felt trapped too. I read a book called 'Men that hate women and the women who love them' It's a long time ago but men evolve so slowly I'm sure it's all still relevant (smile) but it was a revelation to me at the time. I felt like I was reading about HIM! I moved back home to care for my Mum with cancer and one day he rang (2 weeks before she died) demanding I go over to his house, I said no as Mum was so ill at that point and he said to not bother going back ever, he thought this was a threat, but it was a 'final straw' moment and never went near him again. I get to hear about him every now and again and he's still a monumental bell end.

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