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Is my hubby a feeder?

(46 Posts)
Missguided27 Mon 11-Nov-13 00:23:56

Ok so you will have to forgive me if I make any mistakes as I am new to all this but don't know who to turn to. Ummm where to start? Well I think my OH is a feeder, until about a week ago I didn't know what a feeder was but after searching the Internet have found my OH fits the bill. He's always loved my curves but after giving birth 10 weeks ago my confidence is at an all time low, he keeps bringing me sweets, chocolate and indulgent food to eat, saying that as I'm breast feeding I need the extra calories. Sounds like the perfect bloke right? But the problem is I'm desperately unhappy with the way I look and find it hard to say no to these things (especially after a tough day looking after our DS). I love him dearly and am grateful that he loves me the way I am but I feel like he is using food to control me. We have an otherwise happy marriage, please don't post hurtful things about him as he is a great hubby and father aside from this.
What should I do?

Thanks in advance x

MillyRules Mon 11-Nov-13 00:29:01

Hi, why would he be a feeder because heoves you as you are? When your breastfeeding yoy do need extra calories. Sounds more like he is just looking after you and trying to keep you happy.

MillyRules Mon 11-Nov-13 00:29:49

loves you as you are.....bloody phone has a mind of its own smile

Monty27 Mon 11-Nov-13 00:30:46

He's just being nice to you! confused

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 11-Nov-13 00:35:48

Just tell him that you would like to take this opportunity to slim down so you have decided to lay off the pies for a bit. Therefore you'd be grateful if he could support you in this by bringing you lower calorie meals.

It's only a few hundred more calories a day allowance. Does he know that? That only equates to something like scrambled egg on a piece of toast, or a couple of crispbreads with spread and a mug of hot Bovril.

Lweji Mon 11-Nov-13 00:51:08

Actually, those are not good calories for breastfeeding.
Why don't you tell him that the extra calories are good, but could he give you some more healthy food?
He can still treat you with nice lower calorie foods.

MillyRules Mon 11-Nov-13 01:22:05

When breastfeeding you need between 300 and 500 extra calories a day and sometimes more when your baby is going through a growth spurt. In general, listen to your body and it will tell you when you need more food or more fluids.

likelytoasksillyquestions Mon 11-Nov-13 01:26:51

I think this is what men are sometimes told is the correct way of supporting their partner with a new baby. (Esp flippantly - "oh, breastfeeding? bring her lots of chocolate".)

Hawkmoth Mon 11-Nov-13 01:36:15

Unsurprisingly, as my MWs and HVs both said this exactly.

Exhaustion and breastfeeding don't make it easy to choose the right foods. If your DH is being helpful in this way he needs knowledge to help you avoid the sugar traps that I am in and get you food that fills you up without making you gain weight.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 06:52:40

Unless he's force-feeding you this stuff, standing over you with a horse-whip, he's probably not acting maliciously. He may see that you are tired and stressed and thinks a bit of chocolate will cheer you up as well as provide a few calories. Agree with some suggestions above that you can say 'no thanks' and suggest other foods he could prepare that would give you some nutrition and energy.

Do you have any history of disordered eating OP?

SuperiorCat Mon 11-Nov-13 07:22:07

Cogito said exactly what I was going to.

Missguided27 Mon 11-Nov-13 07:39:05

I have said we could both do with losing some weight to set healthy example to our DS and he tries to make me promise that I won't lose anything and actually wants me to gain weight (not sure if this is because he finds a larger lady attractive or if he's insecure about other men finding me attractive). He knows I only need around 500 extra calories a day but brings things packed with calories and sugar, I know I could say no but haven't got the will power! He talks about it a lot and is sort of becoming a bit obsessive but every time he does I just feel uncomfortable (i mean how can he find my wobbly bits and cellulite sexy?!?). I have tried talking to him but it seems to fall on deaf ears.
We did split up for a short time around six years ago and although not the only reason part of it was because I was going to weigh watchers and he kept going on about how I didn't need to and he loved me as I am.
I want to be a yummy mummy and get some confidence back but when I try to be good he's always there with biscuits etc. it's a vicious circle, I feel low because of how I look so I eat the stuff he brings and then I feel worse because I've eaten crap and know I should lose some weight but all my energy goes to looking after our DS, I don't seem to have time to look after myself.

No history of an disordered eating unless you count over eating ?!?

christinarossetti Mon 11-Nov-13 07:47:34

Over eating is disordered eating.

Was over eating a current problem when you became pregnant?

AmandaCooper Mon 11-Nov-13 07:48:35

OP well if you have reached the point where you're concerned enough to go on the Internet and do research, there's clearly a problem of some kind: either with you not knowing your own mind and being unable to tell the difference between someone with your best interests at heart and someone trying to control you; or your DH being a feeder. What I would say is if your DH does have your best interests at heart, he should be able and willing to modify his behaviour as soon as you ask, or to explain his pov if he feels you have lost perspective. Maybe post in Relationships for more advice?

AmandaCooper Mon 11-Nov-13 07:50:44

Oh hang on this is in Relationships! Sorry sleep deprivation!

christinarossetti Mon 11-Nov-13 07:51:19

Over eating is disordered eating.

Was over eating a current problem when you became pregnant?

I guess the issue is that you want to lose or at least not gain more weight and that your dh isn't respecting that.

passedgo Mon 11-Nov-13 08:41:34

OP how overweight are you? Are we talking several stone or a few pounds?

LisaMed Mon 11-Nov-13 08:46:10

Did he actively sabotage the weight watchers or was it more him sympathising if you said you didn't want to go?

If you don't want the sweetie stuff you are going to have to find the strength to push back. Unless he checks the bins you could always throw it out when he isn't looking and say you have eaten it, and could he get something else in that's healthy. Give him a shopping list of treats you would like. How closely he sticks to that will be an answer of sorts.

Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 08:57:31

Does he take you seriously on other subjects? I think you have to find a way to tell him 'no' but mean it.

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 09:02:10

Heart to heart time.

Explain that you know he loves you dearly and you feel the same way, but the way to best express his love is to ensure you are the healthiest you can be so you can be the best mum possible for your baby.

My hubby always bought me food gifts as it make me happy in the short term and he could see that. What he couldn't appreciate was the turmoil in my head and how low it made me, it was up to me to see that he did.

Dumpylump Mon 11-Nov-13 09:13:58

Is your dh overweight himself? If so, perhaps this is about him and how he sees himself, as much as it is about you.
Maybe in his head it goes like this "I really want a cream bum and some chocolate, I'll buy two and then me and Missguided can share".
My dp is s bit like this...he's overweight, and frankly, greedy, and I think he feels better about eating something if I eat it too. It took me a wee while to cotton on, but now I have I just don't entertain it - unless it's something I actually want. He was also quite resistant to the idea of me going on a diet - I think, because then he had no excuse (in his own head) to buy the junk food he wants to eat.

Joysmum Mon 11-Nov-13 09:17:04

My hubby is overweight but it wasn't that he wanted to keep me fat or feel better about his eating if I was eating, he genuinely wanted to give me little pick me ups and make me feel good.

Since we talked about it then it stopped because he just wants to make me happy. I hope the OPs hubby motivations are the same as it makes things a lot easier if they are.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 11-Nov-13 11:17:51

XH used to feed me sweets and fatty foods and then complain that I was too fat to be attractive. Mind you when I went on a diet and did regular exercise he didn't like that either, because I was getting "too nice" and then someone else would make a pass at me which I would, of course, be quite unable to resist.

Left the bastard.

Missguided27 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:29:56

Thank you for the responses ladies. I am going to try and answer all the questions, here goes...
Over eating was a problem before having DS, I was unhappy about it then too but since having him think its time to be fit and healthy plus set a good example to him.
I need to lose around 4 stone I'm afraid and tried hard during my pregnancy not to gain much and be healthy for the baby.
He would actively try to sabotage weight watchers in the same way he is doing now, buying sweets etc but we didn't live together then so found it a little easier to follow the diet most of the time then treat myself when together. Also whilst we were apart he became a real gym bunny and got all buff but has since piled on the pounds.
He does take me seriously on other subjects and I tend to wear the trousers in other aspects of the relationship as he is very easy going and likes me to be happy.
He is overweight himself so you might have a point dumpylump, hadn't thought of it that way. He seems to have a problem with anyone dieting if I'm honest.
Maybe he sees giving food a way of showing love??

amyshellfish Mon 11-Nov-13 13:33:16

My ex used to deliberately sabotage my attempts to lose weight and used to buy me junk food which I felt unable to refuse because he had bought it and made out it was a gift. I was 14 stome and a size 16 when I eventually left him.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Mon 11-Nov-13 13:37:26

If he is overweight himself, he may be completely uneducated about healthy food choices

If he wants to be so helpful, tell him to get on the internet and research what are healthy meals/snacks/foodstuffs and what are not then he can be useful

MinesAPintOfTea Mon 11-Nov-13 13:41:54

Can't you tell him that you want to loose weight rather than putting pressure on for him to loose weight too. I suspect he just doesn't want to face loosing it himself and its easier for him to share his food rather than feel guilty because you're doing the healthy thing and he isn't.

So possibly not doing it to control you or to fatten you up but just because of his own guilt along with a side helping of "breastfeeding mothers need biscuits".

Hermione123 Mon 11-Nov-13 13:43:46

Hmmm tell him how it makes you feel, honestly. I tend to agree, maybe he wants to hear that he's still attractive, having a new baby makes both people insecure and tired, ime.

Missguided27 Wed 13-Nov-13 12:47:57

Ok ladies thanks for all the great advice, I have decided to write a letter to DH so I can explain exactly how I feel without emotions getting in the way. I'm hoping then we can discuss at length so he can also put his POV across.

Thanks again x

newlifeforme Wed 13-Nov-13 13:19:23

My mum's way of showing affection was via food but we tended to eat very well so the treats were not an issue.In today's society its the combination of food and access to treats that have tipped the balance.

I would say you need to slowly make changes, no rush diets but just make small steps so that in a years time you are both generally eating less sugary stuff.

PS my midwife told dh to feed me chocolate so I'm not surprised if he's trying to be kind.

Andy1964 Wed 13-Nov-13 13:29:09

He loves you, he loves you the way you are.
Contrary to poular 'press' opinion larger ladies are hot too.
A subject that annoys me quite alot is the way popular culture encourages women to be a certain size. Your size and shape is predetermined and you shouldn't do anything about that other than live a normal healthy life.

An please, you gave birth 10 weeks ago. Unless you are Victoria Beckham I've bad news for you. You won't be shrinking down to a size 8 anytime soon, especially if you are breastfeeding.

Like others have suggested, tell him he needs to 'feed' you the right sort of foods. (sorry for the word feed)
But please, don't worry about your size at this time in your life. You time will come when you have more time and energy to focus on YOU.

But hey, what do I know. I'm a mere bloke

gaggiagirl Wed 13-Nov-13 13:36:54

Well said andy. You are more than mere!

redhappy Wed 13-Nov-13 13:46:27

I think you need to listen to your instincts.

I feel like he is using food to control me

That's a problem, it's not ok for you to feel like that, and you should feel in control of your own health. If you want to eat healthier food and lose weight your husband should be supporting you in that. I don't really understand why everyone on this thread seems to be making excuses for him. If you feel you're being controlled and your opinion dismissed, then that's very likely to be the case! Disappointing to see that happening on this thread too!

Missguided27 Wed 13-Nov-13 16:43:33

I don't want to shrink down to a size 8, I have never been and will never be a size 8, that's not me. I do however feel pressure to look a certain way and be a certain size.
Maybe Andy1964 is right and I should concentrate on my DS and being healthier rather then losing weigh.

Then some day there may be time for me!

Missguided27 Wed 13-Nov-13 16:47:04

And redhappy, I don't feel they are making excuses for him as you put it, I think they were trying to make me see it from his POV.

AmandaCooper Wed 13-Nov-13 17:22:28

I agree with redhappy it is not normal to "feel controlled". You have told us that he is basically ignoring the fact that you are desperately happy, that he is "obsessive" about you gaining weight to the extent that you going to Weight Watchers was a factor in you splitting up once before; that he keeps bringing you more and more fatty foods and says he actually wants you to gain weight - even though he knows you are already depressed about the weight you are at. You say it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Not sure what thread everyone else is reading. It sounds extremely concerning to me. Trust your instincts.

AmandaCooper Wed 13-Nov-13 17:23:04


Jan45 Wed 13-Nov-13 17:33:11

Breastfeeding if anything will help you return to your pre baby weight, it won't increase your weight.

As for your partner - just say no thanks, I don't feel like that and I actually would like to lose weight so I'd rather you didn't buy me so much chocolate but thank you for the kind thought. If he still continues to do this after telling him then you have a bigger problem to tackle.

It shouldn't be so hard, are you sure it's not about your own willpower and not actually being able to refuse it all? No harm in going to docs and finding out about diet plans and exercise and why wait, go for it.

ferretyfeet Wed 13-Nov-13 17:34:06

Ask him to stop buying chocolates and stuff and say you would rather have some nice smellies, bubble bath,body lotion, etc that would really cheer you up,and see what he does.

Darkesteyes Wed 13-Nov-13 23:15:28

OP how is he when you cook healthy meals. Does he do any cooking. Does he not do much cooking but get in the way when you are trying to by keep coming and getting in the way in the kitchen... keep getting drinks etc.

Missguided27 Thu 14-Nov-13 04:34:05

Anything I cook he will eat pretty much. He does cook from time to time mostly if I'm feeding baby

passedgo Thu 14-Nov-13 21:16:17

Hi Miss, I asked before how much weight you wanted to lose because you do get a lot of people that put a lot of pressure on themselves to lose a lot of weight and it's only a few pounds. You have four stone to lose which is a lot and it must really slow you down and make life hard for you.

I don't know whether dh is doing this deliberately, it's unlikely, but it certainly needs to be dealt with. It sounds as though he has issues about food, perhaps that's what his mother did to him when he was younger? Whatever the reason, you need to protect your own health and wellbeing.

Writing a letter was a good first step. You need to know that he is going to support you to be the best person you can be, and plying you with things that are bad for you is undermining your health and well-being. It's simply not what partners should do to each other.

Noregrets78 Thu 14-Nov-13 21:43:33

I haven't had time to read all replies... but wanted to say that I used to tease my H about being a feeder. But then I spotted other patterns and we are now divorced. Look closely at his attitude to you explaining this to him, whether he listens to you.

Mine used to plonk big meals in front of me, whether or not I was dieting, whether or not I'd asked him not to. Said it was up to me whether I ate it or not, didn't listen when I explained how hard I found it to resist, when sitting in front of me.

He eventually took great offence when I said I wanted to prepare my own food. Even then the only way to get him to stop was to refuse to eat it, even if I was hungry.

It was classic control tactics, but as I say there were other signs which I hadn't spotted before. Hopefully he will hear your feelings, and help you instead of hindering you!

Tuhlulah Sun 17-Nov-13 17:48:19

Firstly, you may be extremely tired (sleep deprivation, breast feeding umpteen times a night) and this can cloud your judgement. Plus, please forgive me for saying this, as I am only trying to sound out all the options, plus you may have post natal depression, and that too clouds judgement? Because you may be seeing too much in this, and dare I say it, overreacting?

You are breastfeeding and it's unlikely you will be as slim as you were pre-pregnancy, because the body holds onto fat reserves in a different way re the hormones (or something, it's been along time since I breastfed). This is not the time to worry about your weight. You will be a bit 'cuddlier' while you are BF. And nothing wrong with that.

He is probably trying to cheer you up with the kind of things that make him feel good when he's tired. As other posters have said, it's not the best nutrition, but if it's nice, then you can have a little chocolate here and there, can't you? Moderation in all things. But tell him what you'd like. Also, he may feel that you are doing all the hard work and he can't help, so the chocolate is a kind of guilt related thing.

if you think he is a 'feeder' - did he do this pre-pregnancy? What are your reasons for thinking he is doing this.

I breastfed for 2 years and one month. In that time I was so tired I don't know how I managed to go on. My HV told me I had to stop for the sake of my own health, but I didn't know how to. (I did eventually just go cold turkey, and that was that.) I had 10 veruccas that just wouldn't go away. It is tiring. It's also a lovely time, and a valuable time. Your weight will adjust in time. But it's such early days.

Good luck x

JustALittleGreen Sun 17-Nov-13 18:57:00

I don't think we have enough information here to know whether he is a feeder or not! He might be trying to make you happy in the only way he can think of OR he might be a manipulative twunt, who is using food to control you. As others have mentioned, you need to look at his reaction when you tell him how you feel about this. Sabotaging WW doesn't sound good though, especially as he then got into going to the gym himself, if he recognises the value of being fit and healthy for him, why not allow you to have that?

Re baby weight, I didn't lose all the weight until about a year pp, but that was with me making no effort whatsoever, other than breastfeeding and generally running around being a mum. It will come off and when you're feeling less "omfg I've got a newborn" you can think about the excess as well. Please don't waste this time worrying about your weight smile congratulations on the birth of your son

passedgo Sun 17-Nov-13 21:58:27

The four extra stone will make you tired, and obviously a 10 week old baby but it shouldn't be 'clouding your judgement' unless you are massively sleep-deprived. You will just be really tired.

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