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Tips for improving DW sex drive

(63 Posts)
guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:14:58

Hi all, new here.
Just would like a woman's view on this please.
I'm not a typical guy that's believes I am entitled to sex whenever I want. we have 2 DC and my DW is also studying whilst holding down a full time job etc etc. so I fully understand that we are both tired most of the time but I clearly have a higher sex drive than she does yet she says she does fancy me and wants to have sex.
I try to help with the housework and with the kids but they want her a lot of the time so she feels she does most of it. I just would like any tips to help get her more relaxed and in the mood so to speak.
I don't want her to do it just because she thinks she has to.
thanks
guynotagirl

Boosterseat Thu 07-Nov-13 15:18:36

I try to help with the housework and with the kids but they want her a lot of the time so she feels she does most of it.

You don't try to "help" you should just "do" - its not helping if they are your own children and you live in the house.

Helping is a word used as if it isn't really "your" job you just "help" your wife.
Perhaps this is why she doesn't really fancy sex as its just another job to do?

guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:28:40

I do do a lot with the DC but my DW likes to do the things she does with them and feels guilty if she doesn't as we both work full time and feel we don't spend enough time them as it is but after all that we don't seem to have enough time for each other and she is normally to tired

futureforward Thu 07-Nov-13 15:30:05

Can you give us some tips on how to boost a DH's sex drive?

futureforward Thu 07-Nov-13 15:35:07

So DW has a full time job, is studying, and by your own admission does the majority of housework and looking after the kids? And you are wondering why she is too tired to have sex with you?

Are you serious? Poor woman is bloody knackered and probably seething with resentment.

Don't TRY with the housework, DO. Don't spend 15 minutes being fun daddy them palm them back off onto her.

Get off mumsnet. Yes, right now. Go and do an online shop. Tell DW you're cooking for her tonight. When you get home, put a load of washing on, then go and clean the bathroom. Make dinner then entertain the kids for an hour while DW studies. Then maybe put them to bed so she can have some peace to herself in the bath.

And do this kind of stuff EVERY DAY.

Then, once she's feeling a little less overworked, she might be a little less tired and more inclined to have sex with you.

It's not rocket science.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Nov-13 15:36:56

I'm going to take the question as being sincere. Would suggest the following
1. Find ways for you both to get a break from work/kids/studying/housework etc., catch up on some sleep and recharge the batteries.
2. Take time to reconnect as a couple e.g. 'date nights' whether at home or outside the home, recreating the conditions under which you started your relationship, finding a grown-up pastime that you can both share.
3. Be kind, appreciative and affectionate with each other all the time and not just as a means to get sex

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 07-Nov-13 15:40:52

She'd probably relax a bit in a hot bath whilst you did the housework, and sorted the kids, washing, lunches, schoolbags, clothes, arguments etc out, no?

meditrina Thu 07-Nov-13 15:43:03

"I try to help with the housework"

You need to turn this into "I know what goes into the running of the household and make sure I do my fair share without prompting".

And "I join in with all the DC's games and other activities so DW never feels she's on her own"

"I am competent at all aspects of childcare so, other than passing fads for one parent over the other for some stuff, the DC are happy with either parent" (This one probably flows from the previous).

"DW doesn't need to stress about finding time to do the work for her course, because I can run the home and care for the occupants whilst she studies"

And "I find time and make any babysitting arrangements so DW and I can spend regular child free time. I remember to talk to her as an adult, and make sure I know her hopes and dreams for the future and we picture how we get there together"

And the cheesy one "I don't come up with forced compliments, but I express appreciation of the many things she does several times every day"

guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:43:18

futureforward
maybe I wasn't very clear in the first post, I do the cooking in our house (she does the baking lol), we both go shopping together, I hoover and wash floors at the weekend and change beds. I try my very best to do as much as I can with the kids and take them out without DW but she hates it and begs me not to as she misses them and feels bad, I keep telling that she needs more time to herself but I have to practically force her to have a bath and relax instead of a 2 min shower.
just wanted some sort of romantic tips maybe. we are very close and in love etc and want to be together whenever we can but she just doesn't seem interested in sex.

Joysmum Thu 07-Nov-13 15:46:56

I want more sex when I feel closer and more connected. Hubby wants more sex when he wants to connect. So we both have different attitudes to sex. For me is something we do when close, for him it's something we do to get close.

My advice, ensure you are both taking equal shares in everything and then take the time to be together as a couple in love, rather than just parents.

BerstieSpotts Thu 07-Nov-13 15:47:00

Then why didn't you ask for tips on romance instead of asking "how to increase her sex drive" like she is a car or some other kind of machine that you can get better results from if you just put the right input in.

She is a person, why don't you ask her what would turn her on?

BadgerBumBag Thu 07-Nov-13 15:47:37

I cannot bear it when dp says 'can I help you in any way?' It is not helping when it is your house and child! It is not my job in the first place for you to help me with, it is all ours.

So my advice would be, coming from someone in a similar position to your wife:
1. Cuddle / kiss / massage her just because it is lovely, not because you want it to lead to something. She will then not feel under any pressure to get in the mood, and she may well end up in the mood when the pressure is removed.
2. Do the housework, whatever you think needs doing. Be spontaneous and do little bits as you see them. If she feels you are engaging in this and taking responsibility without just trying to help she will hopefully feel closer to you.
3. Do something lovely for her... run a bath, cook, take children out to give her some space
4. Try to assist with her guilt over trying to do it all. Let her know she needs time to herself to recharge and this will not have a detrimental effect on the children
5. Compliment her on what she does

Just love her whole heartedly and do do do do do...

Jan45 Thu 07-Nov-13 15:47:46

I think you've been given a hard time here, you clearly do an equal share of everything, it's not your fault if your wife stops you from giving her a break from the kids.

Tbh, are you sure she's not having sex with you cos she's exhausted or is it more like she doesn't want to - I'd try and find out which one it is before asking on advice to have a romantic night in, TALK to her.

One of the very first things you need to do is stop talking about "helping" with the DCs and the housework.

My teenage DCs "help" me do stuff in the house, outside of their normal jobs.
My DH however is an adult who understands that in order for a house to run smoothly xyz has to be done. So he does it. Not to "help" me, because it's not my job, but because we live together and stuff has to be done.

He doesn't ask me, can I do this, what shall I do, do you want me to help? He just comes home and loads the dishwasher or takes the laundry out of the drier and folds it or cooks the dinner or does the washing up.

That's what you need to do. Don't ask or wait to be told, just do it.

And I will also say this. I work full time and I am also studying for my degree. I am shattered. Every single night. And I have teenagers and a DH that does at least half the housework, all of the school pick ups, and 75% of ferrying 3 DCs to different activities.

Your poor Dw. I can't imagine studying, working and doing all the childcare and housework. She must be in bits. And you wonder why her sex drive has disappeared?

Sorry, OP x posted with you

But, honestly? She is probably extremely tired and finding it hard to relax because she has so much to do.

BadgerBumBag Thu 07-Nov-13 15:53:06

Maybe you could organise a night out without the children? I know you say you need romantic tips but sometimes resentment can hinder sex drive so don't completely ignore tips on how to work together in general, although you have clarified that you do a lot. Do you think you make it feel like you are 'helping' and need her to be there to back you up etc?

Hawkmoth Thu 07-Nov-13 15:53:34

I heard you the first time.

guynotagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 15:57:41

cognito
we have recently had a night away and although we really enjoyed it and were close it did nothing for the libido. DC sleep at her parents 1 Friday each month and I suggest going out for drinks (she doesn't drink) or a meal etc but she would rather have meal at home and fall asleep early. as she is tried. and we don't really have much extra time.
I just feel she is sick of my trying to have sex and that its all I want when its not but I cant help fancying and wanting her as I think she is amazing and sexy etc.
we have everything except a fantastic sex life

Joysmum Thu 07-Nov-13 16:03:28

Sounds like me and my hubby but the other way around at times. There's been some very harsh responses, there's nothing wrong with wanting sex with your partner and fancying them.

Probably the start is to not go for sex itself, have a night to yourselves and just hold each other tight with no moves to the next stage. Hug when the kids are there and then invite them in for family hugs. Hold hands whenever you can. Catch her eye and smile and tell her how lucky you are. Compliment her when she'd wearing a colour you like on her. Just aim to get spark of connection in everyday life rather than waiting for the grand gesture.

KringleCandleLover Thu 07-Nov-13 16:06:27

My dear nan, very near the end of life, in 1 of her hearttohearts with me told me something...
A woman needs to feel desired in order to want sex and a man needs sex in order to feel desired.
Made me feel very uncomfy, she was 80 and my granny fgs BUT looking back on her quotations, this particular 1 rings true to me.

popperdoodles Thu 07-Nov-13 16:12:34

I find it very difficult to switch from practical mummy mode to sexy wife mode. Children take so much from you emotionally that I find it hard to keep on giving. I hope that makes sense.
Things that helped us were making sure I had time to switch off from mummy mode i.e. a proper child free evening. Never make her feel pressured as that is the biggest turn off. Making sure we actually shared some time in the evening, actually talking to each other rather than each engrossed in our own laptops or books.

Doing housework, cooking etc is great but is stuff you should be doing anyway and is doesn't work because then she will feel obliged to thank you with sex which is wrong and not how it should work.

Dahlen Thu 07-Nov-13 16:12:47

Well assuming your perspective is correct and you do as much as you say you do with the house/DC and you're not pestering her for sex (nothing more guaranteed to kill libido than that), I'd say your problem is having a wife who thinks she's superwoman.

It is simply not possible to be all things to all people. She is stretching herself too thin and I'm not surprised she is knackered. It's probably not you but the fact that there isn't any energy left to channel into sex.

If you can take over more than your fair share of domestic stuff for a while, that may help, but the most important thing you can do is keep gently reminding her that all work and no play isn't a good thing long term. You could also point out that her insistence of having the DC in preference of you is damaging the father-child bond and that it needs to be split more fairly for the sake of the DC. That would result in her having more down time and hopefully mean she's more likely to rediscover her sex drive as a result of being less tired.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 07-Nov-13 16:13:35

As your are fully participating in your household, what arrangements have you put in place for Xmas a might be a chance to reconnect?

Dahlen Thu 07-Nov-13 16:15:39

You could also try gently exploring her fears and guilt about working instead of being at home with the DC, and trying to encourage her to see herself as herself (what she likes doing, what her character is like etc), rather than in roles (wife, mother, student, employee).

Bluecarrot Thu 07-Nov-13 16:23:22

Have you chatted with her about her exhaustion? Not in a "why are you too tired for sex" way, more " what changes can we make to take pressure off?" A cleaner once a week? A babysitter once a week? Can you take one kid for a "daddy date" once a week and then she does a " mummy date" with the other? And swap kids the next week? Means there's great one to one time with each so might lessen her guilty conscience a bit?

Tbh, I'm an exhausted ( heavily pregnant) mum and I fantasise about DP putting hot water bottles in the bed for me and heating up my pjs on radiator, then cuddling with me in bed. Not the sexiest idea but if it would occur to DP to be that thoughtful I'd def feel more inclined for affection, though maybe not sex ( purely down to tiredness)

What things make her happy? Not having housework done, but extra things just for her? Would she like a short love note in her study book? Her favourite flowers delivered to work? Whole family day out revolving around her favourite place? Work on a handmade gift with the kids for her?

kickassangel Thu 07-Nov-13 16:36:56

It sounds like she is not just tired but stressed which there isn't a quick fix for. Can you send her and the dcs out on a Saturday morning while you get the housework done and get lunch? Then in the afternoon she could study(hopefully guilt free) while you keep the kids entertained.

If she is really stressed it could take months of putting changes into place before she will start to feel differently. A few romantic gestures will just backfire badly.

Think of her libido as having had a stress fracture. You need to remove all pressure and give it weeks of rest before it will recover.

Fairenuff Thu 07-Nov-13 17:23:37

She wants time with the children, not the housework. So why don't you do the housework in the evenings, whilst she plays with the children?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Nov-13 17:29:16

I don't actually think this is about how much housework the OP does. If someone is stressed and can't relax, even if there is an army of cleaners and nannies taking care of the place, they are still stressed thinking about the job, the essay, the diary or whatever. Someone said 'spread too thin' up-thread and I think that's more likely to be the problem.

Fairenuff Thu 07-Nov-13 17:35:27

But if OP takes care of the housework, his dw can concentrate on playing with the children and getting her studying done. Then she won't be spread too thin.

Matildathecat Thu 07-Nov-13 17:38:01

OP, I really feel for you. On here, men in particular have to watch every word they write or risk getting thoroughly slated. You sound brilliant if you do all you say and consistently.

You don't say, I think, how old the dc are but I'm guessing quite young. Well, hang in there. If she had it before, she will find it again. (Assuming she hasn't got horrible birth injuries or anything). The stage you are at is just all consuming. Sex just feels like giving yet another bit of yourself when there is nothing left.

May I suggest you tell her sincerely that you love her and desire her but for now a good old fashioned cuddle would be nice. Maybe when the kids are asleep run her a hot bath with oils and give her a no strings attached massage. If she knows intimacy can take place without sex she may start to actually want it again.

She's lost her mojo but with time and patience she can find it again.

Best of luck.

I agree with cogito, I find myself getting stressed sometimes because there is literally so much to do, my head feels like it's going to explode while I sit there thinking "right, I need to finish this report for work by the end of the week, this assignment needs to be handed in, ds2 needs his football kit for tomorrow, etc etc"

It is really really hard to relax when I am like that, I can't sit down and have a cup of tea because my mind is constantly whirring round.

It sounds a bit silly but when I get like that I stick my headphones on and either go for a run or walk the dog, but it's easier for me because my DCs are older and I can just leave them and go.

She needs a break, the trouble is, it's when you most need a break that you feel unable to take one!

Would having a schedule help? I have a study schedule, so everyone knows at x time mum is studying, no one interrupts me and I don't have to feel guilty about saying, look now not, I'm busy.

Also a list of who does what IYSWIM. So you have certain jobs so she doesn't have to worry about what is being done, it might help?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Nov-13 17:43:39

Someone can still be stressed and feel unable to relax even if they don't have to lift a finger domestically. IME sex is a mental exercise as much as physical. I know that if there are too many things rattling round my head (projects usually) I find it hard to switch off enough to get aroused.

Matildathecat Thu 07-Nov-13 19:32:45

Would she enjoy yoga? Great head clearer.

Lweji Thu 07-Nov-13 19:56:32

From a personal point of view, it's the little things during the day that create the intimacy that leads to sex.
Don't do something so that you get sex. It feels fake and it creates pressure for sex. That's what's probably happening with the days (day?) out.
If you have regular evenings out, she may relax more and feel less pressured any particular time.
If you do nice things to each other and are fairly tactile and flirty most of the time, then she's probably less likely to feel pressured and be more available. Essentially, if she feels overly loved, she is more likely to feel like sex.

Lazyjaney Fri 08-Nov-13 07:30:14

I agree with what Tantrums wrote, especially re creating structure - schedules and allocated tasks etc. I think housework is a red herring, its about covering all tasks and making sure both of you have equal access to free time - and cleaners are a godsend.

I think Tantrums is also probably right re being overstressed and needing a break but feeling unable to take one.

But I do think there is a possible alternative explanation, and that it is reasonable trying to get to the bottom of all this. I think it is very reasonable to want to have sex in a marriage, and I don't think responsibility for it happening is a one way street.

QuintesKabooom Fri 08-Nov-13 07:37:42

Not sure how old your children are, but my husband and I love going for long walks or cycle rides together, and when the children were small they could be in the bike trailer. It brought us closer, got us fresh air and exercise, blew the cobwebs away, and we had time together with the kids, YET some time off from them as they were stuck in the trailer, either looking at the world going by or snoozing..... grin WIN Win! Great for romance and togetherness.

MovingOnUpduffed Fri 08-Nov-13 08:32:30

The trick for my relationship is to have fun. If you have a night to yourselves don't do something romantic, it's too much pressure and feels forced if you're both trying too hard. Especially if her head is full of other stuff- romance requires being totally in the moment, and that is so hard when you feel you are keeping so many balls in the air. Try having fun instead- play a silly board game, dance in the living room, laugh together. It's a different kind of intimacy with less pressure, but it will still help you to reconnect. Do things she loves, not because you want sex but because you love her. The intimacy will follow if she feels loved, but give it some time.

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld Fri 08-Nov-13 09:19:34

Just wanted to tell you that it will pick back up. She may have to much going on right now to even think about sex, but once she finishes her studies she may feel differently. The main thing is not to pressure her. Sex in a relationship has peaks and troughs, depending on how you both feel. The main thing is to ensure you're doing your fair share (yes, that means doing more housework/kid stuff, as she's studying on top of working) and letting her know that you love her. Liked the idea of little notes in the study book, but maybe try supportive and caring rather than sexy or romantic.

ninilegsintheair Fri 08-Nov-13 09:36:33

As a mum who is working full-time (day off today before anyone asks!) and studying as well as doing everything a house involves, I can honestly say sex would be the furthest thing from my mind. The studying thing in particular is an added burden - I imagine your wife doesn't get much down-time OP. Totally agree with the 'spread-too thin' theory, that's certainly how I feel, and it's impossible to relax.

It'd be helpful to know what she's studying and how far she is into the course. Date nights out etc might simply give her more pressure as at the back of the mind, the need to study is always there.

Have you asked her what would help the most? For example, does she need a day to herself to study while you take the kids out? You say she feels guilty, and I get that, but she's being a bit unrealistic if she thinks she can be career-woman, supermum and student of the year all at the same time - she'll burn out, and I speak from my own experience.

Little things, little shows of love to her, like cups of tea, a bar of chocolate, can do a world of good when she's feeling under pressure. There is nothing sexier than a supportive, caring partner. This current situation won't last forever, but if she's feeling under pressure to have sex I doubt she'll forget it.

Hope things pick up for you both, OP. smile

TwoStepsBeyond Fri 08-Nov-13 09:52:01

For me its about the gestures throughout the day, the unprompted kisses and cuddles, the bar of chocolate that show he was thinking of me while he was out, a text message saying he misses me. DP will often come up to me while I am cooking or tidying and tell me how sexy I am and that he can't keep his hands off me. Its not leading anywhere at that point (usually) but its a little reminder of what will happen later.

Also snuggling up together in the evenings, being physically close while watching TV means that we are already in that intimate place by bedtime. With XH we would sit on different sofas, him on his laptop, me watching TV, so neither of us would really talk as it would interrupt what the other was doing.

If your DW is working in the evenings rather than connecting with you then you won't have that closeness that leads to sex when you go up to bed.

Whatever you do, DO NOT be tempted to buy her sex toys or lingerie - my XH thought that gadgets were the answer to everything, he didn't realise (despite being told several times) that respect, thoughtfulness and general intimacy would improve our sex life. He thought that sex would improve intimacy etc. I didn't want sex with someone who was virtually a stranger to me, it most often happened after he'd had a weekday off work, we'd spent some time together, maybe I hadn't had to cook and we'd got a takeaway etc. Its not rocket science.

Granville72 Fri 08-Nov-13 11:41:17

Why do men think they need to 'help' with housework? You know what needs doing to run a house so get on and do it.

My OH doesn't help. He thinks I should have to tell him or ask him to get the hoover out or dust or something. Fecking annoys me.

We have a 15 month old. I do 95% child care, plus the nights. I work 45 hours a week (child minder so from home) all the house work, the garden, chickens and cooking, shopping and on and on. And he wonders why I'm too knackered to even contemplate sex confused

Keepithidden Fri 08-Nov-13 12:42:10

Granville - In a lot of cases it is more the FTWP (Full Time Work Parent) 'helping' the SAHP. Certainly in my case I know what needs doing, but I don't know what is planned in DW mind until I ask her. Hence finding out what meals I should or shouldn't cook, what particular washing load I should put on (towels, sheets, pale or coloured). Hoovering, tidying, bed/bathtime routines etc... are pretty much stand alone so there's no problem there, but for the stuff that requires planning there needs to be a bit of communication and essentially someone who leads and someone who follows, hence the helping.

It is probabaly semantics in some cases, rather than pure mysoginy, hopefully it is in my case anyway.

OP - Sorry, no advice I'm afraid. You'll pick up the posting style here sooner or later and it's an eye opener to the general low level gender stereotyping that happens all the time in our lives.

Keepithidden Fri 08-Nov-13 12:44:01

Sorry, should add. It wasn't an automatic distribution of tasks we did talk about who would do what. E.g. the meal planning/shopping side of things. Once upon a time I did the weekly shop, but with the advent of Internet shopping DW has taken over the reigns.

fromparistoberlin Fri 08-Nov-13 12:53:16

this is an odd thing to say

but reading this thread, I kind of have penis envy!

mens libidos are just so.....constant!

OP hope you did not get a battering

I am not going to share my advice as (a) sure you have loads and (b) feel a bit yukky giving sex advice to a man, call me a prude

nancerama Fri 08-Nov-13 13:24:25

How old are your DC, and is your DW breastfeeding? Mums who have recently had a baby and mums who are still breastfeeding toddlers have hormones all over the place.

I adore my DH and fancy him rotten, but I've only just started feeling normal and relaxed enough up start enjoying being intimate around him during the last few months, and DS is 2. Until very recently my altered oestrogen levels made things downright painful still.

Take it slowly and gently. Lots of cuddles and very gentle kisses to help her to start awakening those feelings again.

I've actually copied sections of this to show to my dh.
Oh mners you are so wise... Maybe he will listen to you

Granville72 Fri 08-Nov-13 13:53:08

OK here's a thought for the chaps who need to ask or not sure what needs doing and when.

How about drawing up a rota as to who hoovers, puts a wash on, cooks dinner, kids baths etc. every day? There's no question then as to who or what needs doing and when smile

I might even do this of my OH who needs to ask me as he can't seem to think for himself.

Oh, and do online grocery shopping. Why waste your time trawling round a supermarket fighting up the isles when someone else can do it for you and deliver it to your door. Takes me about 5 minutes to do my weekly shop.

And I'm not a stay at home mum in that sense. Yes I do stay home with my son, but I am a childminder and work 45 hours a week as well as running a house and caring for my own child.

guynotagirl Fri 08-Nov-13 15:38:58

kickassangel & Congnito
she is most definitely stressed and I have tried so hard to lift this stress from her but she seems to pile more stress upon yourself and has to have a million things to do even when they don't need doing.
miltilathecat she does love yoga but rarely gets to do it with the kids around a lot.
DD is 9 (she is my SD) sees her dad on Saturdays, DS is 5 and then we have my other DS from previous relationship on sundays, so 3 kids on the sunday isn't exactly relaxing lol
it doesn't help that I get frustrated and feel insecure and we argue and she is insecure, even though she is a size 8 and gorgeous.
I have actually put notes in her study books and ran her baths etc and we are always close and kiss cuddle etc but it never leads to being intimate

Loopyloulu Fri 08-Nov-13 16:33:04

Have you ever thought she just might not fancy you any more or be harbouring resentment over something other than housework? Or she may keep busy to avoid having a space in her head when she is forced to think about all of this-is the busyness a displacement activity for talking to and being close to you pre sex?

kickassangel Fri 08-Nov-13 16:35:26

You see, you're focusing on trying to get her in the loving mood, which is what you want. But you should focus on trying to help her relieve her stress, which is what she needs.

I'm not a doctor, so don't know any true remedies, but try to think of what could de-stress your lives. It sounds like she's in that crazy, 'i must get on, I must get on' mode where she can't switch off to relax, not even for a minute.
Does she sleep/eat well?
Does she get wind down time?

You need to look at the fundamental basics of how to make life less pressured before anything will change. Of course, it may not be something obvious that is causing the stress, so time management won't fix it if the cause is something different. (e.g. my daughter has special needs. no amount of free time will stop me stressing over that, only a magic cure will, so there will always be a certain amount of stress in my life)

Look at ways to relieve stress/pressure in your lives, but also try to talk to her about why she is stressed and what can be done about that, either to eradicate it or learn how to manage it.

Maybe it is something that talking to an outside person would help? This could be a chat with friends/family, or a professional. Be careful, though. Sometimes I start talking about my daughter and I just can't stop crying, so it can be pretty emotional.

fromparistoberlin Fri 08-Nov-13 16:46:42

Have you ever thought she just might not fancy you any more

all heart there, all heart....uncalled for !

Loopyloulu Fri 08-Nov-13 16:49:22

But it could be true....

sometimes the most obvious causes are overlooked.

TheFabulousIdiot Fri 08-Nov-13 16:53:30

How often do you have sex?


Sorry if this has already be mentioned, I can't see it.

MissRee Fri 08-Nov-13 18:09:02

I was all set to jump on OH's head thinking this was him posting but I'm not a size 8 and you have too many children grin

I work full time (long commute), am a part-time student and have 2 kids. My OH makes the same complaint you do in that we don't have enough sex.

Unfortunately I don't have the magic answer for you. All I want to do when it fall into bed at night is sleep. That is no reflection on my OH - I still fancy the pants off him and want to have sex with him, I just can't find the energy! When we do, it's bloody amazing and I resolve to make more time for it... and then the absolute exhaustion kicks in again and that resolve goes out the window.

I don't expect it will last forever - DD is only 2 so I hope that it improves very soon for both our sakes.

ToTheTeeth Fri 08-Nov-13 18:19:05

I think "does she fancy you" is a completely legitimate question.

Look, I get stress and tiredness take their toll, but unless I'm doing it wrong sex isn't that taxing. If you want it you can squeeze it in at some point. It's good for relaxation and there are plenty of non-athletic ways of doing it.

Sexuality is a muscle and you have to use it or lose it. I think the mistake a lot of people make is they think they have to be gagging it before they start. Few people walk around in a state of arousal, but if you start being intimate, cuddling, touching etc it's easy to warm into it. The point is you have to start with the baby steps and want to - which isn't going to happen if you don't fancy your partner.

I also hate the housework queries. Yeah, someone isn't going to want sex with someone they resent, but I hate framing sex as a "job" that women do and can do more off if other chores are taken off their to do list.

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 18:32:11

Have only read the op and suspect this may well have been said already... I think a change of atitude / behaviour on your part is your best bet.
By the way your ideas about what a "typical" man thinks are depressing and if typical of your friends doesn't reflect well on you...
HTH.

olathelawyer05 Fri 08-Nov-13 18:43:21

OP, speaking generally, I think what you might best off seeking a man's view not a woman's (ie. a man who has experienced this with his wife or partner, and has actually solved it. I am not such a man - the issue is not and never will be relevant to me personally). Such a man might be quite difficult to find, but he'll probably get you closer to a solution than asking in a forum like this, where every ambiguity will just tend to be interpreted against you by many of the locals, as you have seen. Best of luck.

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 18:49:46

Are you not a "local" Ola? Or did you mean to write "women"?

olathelawyer05 Fri 08-Nov-13 18:55:31

I think it's a fact that most of the locals are women. I referred to "many" of the locals, meaning not 'all' of them. I'm not really sure whether you're trying to make some kind of point. I said what I meant.

QueenQueenie Fri 08-Nov-13 19:19:04

So did I. And...?

Fairenuff Fri 08-Nov-13 20:17:29

local to where?

Summerworld Fri 08-Nov-13 20:40:04

in fairness, guynotagirl, very few couples with young children have a fantastic sex life. Women tend to work in the house more, so they are inevitably the ones feeling more shattered, while husbands "help". Especially if your wife is studying as well, and working full week. It is a lot to manage. The only way out is for her to take a break more often and let you get on with it. Not always easy to do, but men do learn (tongue in cheek) and get better and kids LOVE spending time with their Daddy. I am a much happier person since my DH has taken a greater share of childcare. We probably do close to 50/50 now, although housework is still mine predominantly. Greater involvement on DH's part has also had a positive effect in other parts of our life IYSWIM.

Lazyjaney Fri 08-Nov-13 20:45:59

"OP, speaking generally, I think what you might best off seeking a man's view not a woman's"

Or just read the reverse threads about men who wont perform, and see the difference in suggestions. Not quite so much on the tolerance, space and understanding there......

The truth is it could be anything from the OPs failure to be a domestic God all the way through to someone else being into her, and no one here knows because we don't know the people to form a judgement.

The only way the OP is going to find out is by trying different approaches because IMO you seldom get a straight answer talking to people about these sorts of things.

IMO as well, different approaches means not just handing out carrots, but making it clear that there are medium term consequences too.

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