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Help please! Flirtation with a guy at work(179 Posts)
Ok MNers, I've been considering posting this thread for some weeks now and have finally got frustrated enough to do it. So - tough love needed please.
I really fancy a guy at work. Am 99.9% sure he likes me too. We've worked together for over a year but the flirtation has only been going on for about 10 weeks. We drunkenly kissed at the end of a work evening out - that's what started things.
The next day I did the whole 'oh I was so drunk last night' thing, basically because I'd never thought of him like that before and I was a bit embarrassed. So he got the impression I wasn't interested, I think.
But since then the flirting and chemistry has ramped up to the point that everyone else we work with has noticed and it's become pretty full on and, tbh, embarrassing - I hate feeling I'm being gossiped about.
But - here's the rub - he hasn't asked me out. We've been out for work drinks with colleagues several times since then and nothing has happened. Each time, he spends the whole evening talking just to me, lots of chemistry and eye contact, but we never seem to actually make a move on each other.
The latest time was last night. I am sick of this now. I would rather he left me alone and didn't fancy me than continue like this. It is driving me batty quite frankly.
One further consideration (trying not to drip feed): I recently got a BIG promotion which means I will be leaving his department next month and won't see him from one day to the next. I am wondering whether he's either intimidated by this (I will be in a much higher status role than him, in terms of internal politics, kudos etc), or he's waiting for me to move jobs so that if things go wrong or I turn him down, he won't have to work with me every day.
On the other hand I just keep thinking, keep it simple, stop making excuses for him: if he liked me, he would have done something about it by now. He hasn't, so he's clearly just not that into me.
All my female friends reckon they had to make a move on their partners and I should just bite the bullet and ask him out. I did vaguely say something a couple of weeks ago about 'would he like to go for a drink' when he gets back from holiday (he has been away for the last couple of weeks), and he said yes definitely when he gets back. Yesterday was his first day back, we were in the pub all evening and he didn't mention it at all. Is that a hint that I should just drop the idea?
Seriously, tough love needed. Should I try and push it forward, should I tell him to stop flirting because it's making me uncomfortable at work, should I just be zen-like calm and professionalism and write the whole thing off? Or should I be patient and wait and see what happens when I move jobs?
PS. Yes we are definitely both single!
Oh just ask him out. What have you got to lose .
Faint heart never won fair... err... man. If you like him, ask him out again. Be specific, however (because he sounds a bit thick tbh). No of this open-ended 'like to go for a drink' business but 'You. Me. O'Malley's Bar. 7pm Friday.'
Sorry but if he wanted to start a relationship with you, he'd have asked you out by now - I certainly wouldn't be asking him but hey, we're all different, if you are comfortable doing this, then go for it.
I agree, ask him out, if he says no, then you'll know he's not interested. Good luck!
Agree with cogito ask him out but be specific. An open ended 'drink sometime' just leaves things up in the air.
if you did the 'oh god i was so drunk' line the day after your kiss chances are he may be a bit hesitant to make any moves...
Go for it, what have you got to lose!?
I was afraid you'd all say that
Thanks for the views. I will try and get an opportunity. Problem is that it's pretty hard to catch him on his own as we're always surrounded by colleagues (hence why the lengthy flirty conversations have become so obvious to everyone).
And he doesn't use email much at work - I've emailed him before and he has missed it because be doesn't look at his emails regularly - so that option is out. (Also I am wary of using work email for personal stuff for obvious reasons).
Hmmm, if you ask him out and he comes up with an excuse, is that going to make working with him difficult? I know you said you won't see him at work, but I assume you will still be working for the same organisation? I'd just hate for it to make something awkward in the future.
In the past I definitely asked guys out when they were fannying about and I thought they liked me. But then I wasn't in a position at work for it to bite my arse later.
It is a dilemma but I can tell he is well under your skin.
I'd be tempted to say if he hasn't bitten the bullet and asked you out then he's not keen. as men tend to do the chasing generally.
but I think now, you should just go for it, ask him out. what do you have to lose if you're moving dept? nothing
I would like to make a couple of points from a male perspective, hope you don,t mind OP.
1) were I single and walking in his moccasins I would have certainly made a move by now were I attracted to you.
2) my sister met her husband at work, the circumstances were very similar to yours, eventually she asked him out, they have a very happy marriage.
But as you are moving departments you have nothing really to lose by asking him out on a date.
I would say, "So when are you taking me out then?"
He could respond in one of two ways:
1) laugh and say Saturday night
2) get all embarrassed and not answer you properly. (He will be too polite to say never.)
You can always make a joke of it if he does no. 2.
Then you have your answer and can move on either way. Eeeeeasy!
Glad to see that other people can argue the case both ways too! I've been going round in circles like this for weeks. 'If he wanted me he'd have asked ... --> but maybe I should just do it ...' Etc. So frustrating!
Sebsmummy - I'm not around much in the office anymore (prep for my new job) and am off on hols in a couple of weeks' time. After that I'll start my new job and move desks to a different part of the office. And then I'm only see him in passing in the corridor or whatever - I won't have to deal with him at all.
So, no, I don't think it would be too bad if I asked and he said no at this stage - but obviously it would have been awful in weeks gone by, when we were still working closely together.
Whoselife - that's a nice line! will try to find a chance to use it ...
Thanks for all the replies everyone. Yes he has absolutely got under my skin. He is bloody gorgeous and I haven't liked anyone this much in absolutely ages. The chemistry is insane - pheromones or whatever they are. Very distracting.
In my experience it's always had a very positive outcome when I've asked them out. I can't see why he would have kissed you or spent so long chatting to you if he didn't like you.
Ok, have you got his phone number? If not could you get it and maybe start some text banter? It's so much easier for those type of convos to lead into a 'when are you taking me out?' scenario than trying to say it when he is surrounded by colleagues.
No I don't have his number - you're right that would make things a LOT easier. No idea how to get it though, without having to ask in front of everyone at work (spot the key theme here - we never have any time without other people around (well ok last night we were talking to just each other in the pub for at least an hour, probably more, and I could have done something then but I wussed out. I admit it).)
Any suggestions ?!
Ok, how about before you disappear off on holiday/Friday evening end of work, you write your number on the back of your business card with the words 'ring me' and press it into his hand on the way out.
Then as you do so you can flash him a smile and if he is all like 'wtf?', then you can say ' so we can arrange that drink'.
If you do it at all sassy like I think it could be pretty sexy and empowering then it gives him the impetus to drop you a message and hopefully it will kick off from there.
Prople can be socially confident, fully functioning adults and still get a bit daft when it comes to romance. Even men get nervous and you told him that you weren't interested. For all you know, he's probably moaning at his mates that you keep giving him mixed signals.
I assume he's a proper grown up who doesn't fall out with people all the time and treats his female colleagues with the same respect as his male ones? If so, you have nothing to lose other than a possibly a few minutes of your pride, by asking him out. If he says no, you're off to pastures new anyway.
I have been with my DH for 22 years and he couldnt even look me in the eye when he met me, I flirted mercilessly with him, turned up wherever he was, even draped myself around him a few times. I finally just went for it and kissed him. He was shocked, hadn't even noticed me flirting. You rebuffed him after the first kiss so he thinks he hasnt got a chance, of course he isnt going to ask you out. Get asking and have fun (oh and come back on and tell us all about it......)
Are you sure he's not in a relationship? I really hate to be so cynical, but what if he's the type that loves to flirt but has a girlfriend at home. I have known many of these and a friend has just discovered after months of flirting with a work colleague that he isn't actually available.
Sebsmummy - a great idea! Maybe I should stick a post it note on his forehead
ok, wil try to be brave and crack on with giving this a try.
Halfwild - am 99.9% sure. If he is seeing someone then it's not known at work (and people generally know each other's business). It's theoretically possible, of course.
Dahlen - yes I think he would probably say I've given mixed signals. He is a great guy, well respected and gets on with everyone - it's one of the reasons I like him, he is so easy-going and friendly to everyone. Just a genuinely nice guy iyswim.
I think you should pluck up your courage and go for it.
And report back of course.
Maybe he's thinking, 'If she was interested she'd have asked me out by now'. Many men are so worried about feminism and being seen as pushy that they are too scared to make a move.
My hubby waited for me to ask him to marry me, waited for me to suggest trying for a baby. I can be very scary sometimes when I get on my high horse about equality and sexism!
Would it be really wuss-y to slap a post-it note on his desk with my phone number on it onto his desk when I leave this evening? Saying something like 'About that drink .... Text me!'
<watches with interest as am in very similar boat and I need A Sign>
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