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Help please! Flirtation with a guy at work

(179 Posts)
SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 10:39:17

Ok MNers, I've been considering posting this thread for some weeks now and have finally got frustrated enough to do it. So - tough love needed please.

I really fancy a guy at work. Am 99.9% sure he likes me too. We've worked together for over a year but the flirtation has only been going on for about 10 weeks. We drunkenly kissed at the end of a work evening out - that's what started things.
The next day I did the whole 'oh I was so drunk last night' thing, basically because I'd never thought of him like that before and I was a bit embarrassed. So he got the impression I wasn't interested, I think.

But since then the flirting and chemistry has ramped up to the point that everyone else we work with has noticed and it's become pretty full on and, tbh, embarrassing - I hate feeling I'm being gossiped about.

But - here's the rub - he hasn't asked me out. We've been out for work drinks with colleagues several times since then and nothing has happened. Each time, he spends the whole evening talking just to me, lots of chemistry and eye contact, but we never seem to actually make a move on each other.

The latest time was last night. I am sick of this now. I would rather he left me alone and didn't fancy me than continue like this. It is driving me batty quite frankly.

One further consideration (trying not to drip feed): I recently got a BIG promotion which means I will be leaving his department next month and won't see him from one day to the next. I am wondering whether he's either intimidated by this (I will be in a much higher status role than him, in terms of internal politics, kudos etc), or he's waiting for me to move jobs so that if things go wrong or I turn him down, he won't have to work with me every day.

On the other hand I just keep thinking, keep it simple, stop making excuses for him: if he liked me, he would have done something about it by now. He hasn't, so he's clearly just not that into me.

All my female friends reckon they had to make a move on their partners and I should just bite the bullet and ask him out. I did vaguely say something a couple of weeks ago about 'would he like to go for a drink' when he gets back from holiday (he has been away for the last couple of weeks), and he said yes definitely when he gets back. Yesterday was his first day back, we were in the pub all evening and he didn't mention it at all. Is that a hint that I should just drop the idea?
Aaaargh.

Seriously, tough love needed. Should I try and push it forward, should I tell him to stop flirting because it's making me uncomfortable at work, should I just be zen-like calm and professionalism and write the whole thing off? Or should I be patient and wait and see what happens when I move jobs?

Help please!

PS. Yes we are definitely both single!

akaWisey Thu 07-Nov-13 10:46:12

Oh just ask him out. What have you got to lose grin.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 07-Nov-13 10:50:06

Faint heart never won fair... err... man. If you like him, ask him out again. Be specific, however (because he sounds a bit thick tbh). No of this open-ended 'like to go for a drink' business but 'You. Me. O'Malley's Bar. 7pm Friday.'

Jan45 Thu 07-Nov-13 10:50:42

Sorry but if he wanted to start a relationship with you, he'd have asked you out by now - I certainly wouldn't be asking him but hey, we're all different, if you are comfortable doing this, then go for it.

Scarletohello Thu 07-Nov-13 10:52:12

I agree, ask him out, if he says no, then you'll know he's not interested. Good luck!

mumaa Thu 07-Nov-13 10:52:31

Agree with cogito ask him out but be specific. An open ended 'drink sometime' just leaves things up in the air.

if you did the 'oh god i was so drunk' line the day after your kiss chances are he may be a bit hesitant to make any moves...

Go for it, what have you got to lose!?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 10:56:44

I was afraid you'd all say that grin
Thanks for the views. I will try and get an opportunity. Problem is that it's pretty hard to catch him on his own as we're always surrounded by colleagues (hence why the lengthy flirty conversations have become so obvious to everyone).
And he doesn't use email much at work - I've emailed him before and he has missed it because be doesn't look at his emails regularly - so that option is out. (Also I am wary of using work email for personal stuff for obvious reasons).

Aargh.

sebsmummy1 Thu 07-Nov-13 10:57:04

Hmmm, if you ask him out and he comes up with an excuse, is that going to make working with him difficult? I know you said you won't see him at work, but I assume you will still be working for the same organisation? I'd just hate for it to make something awkward in the future.

In the past I definitely asked guys out when they were fannying about and I thought they liked me. But then I wasn't in a position at work for it to bite my arse later.

It is a dilemma but I can tell he is well under your skin.

HelloBoys Thu 07-Nov-13 10:59:21

I'd be tempted to say if he hasn't bitten the bullet and asked you out then he's not keen. as men tend to do the chasing generally.

but I think now, you should just go for it, ask him out. what do you have to lose if you're moving dept? nothing

troytempest Thu 07-Nov-13 11:00:37

I would like to make a couple of points from a male perspective, hope you don,t mind OP.
1) were I single and walking in his moccasins I would have certainly made a move by now were I attracted to you.
2) my sister met her husband at work, the circumstances were very similar to yours, eventually she asked him out, they have a very happy marriage.
But as you are moving departments you have nothing really to lose by asking him out on a date.

whoselifeisitanyway Thu 07-Nov-13 11:03:07

I would say, "So when are you taking me out then?"
He could respond in one of two ways:
1) laugh and say Saturday night
2) get all embarrassed and not answer you properly. (He will be too polite to say never.)
You can always make a joke of it if he does no. 2.

Then you have your answer and can move on either way. Eeeeeasy!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 11:06:54

Glad to see that other people can argue the case both ways too! I've been going round in circles like this for weeks. 'If he wanted me he'd have asked ... --> but maybe I should just do it ...' Etc. So frustrating!

Sebsmummy - I'm not around much in the office anymore (prep for my new job) and am off on hols in a couple of weeks' time. After that I'll start my new job and move desks to a different part of the office. And then I'm only see him in passing in the corridor or whatever - I won't have to deal with him at all.
So, no, I don't think it would be too bad if I asked and he said no at this stage - but obviously it would have been awful in weeks gone by, when we were still working closely together.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 11:18:51

Whoselife - that's a nice line! smile will try to find a chance to use it ...
Thanks for all the replies everyone. Yes he has absolutely got under my skin. He is bloody gorgeous and I haven't liked anyone this much in absolutely ages. The chemistry is insane - pheromones or whatever they are. Very distracting.

sebsmummy1 Thu 07-Nov-13 12:15:35

In my experience it's always had a very positive outcome when I've asked them out. I can't see why he would have kissed you or spent so long chatting to you if he didn't like you.

Ok, have you got his phone number? If not could you get it and maybe start some text banter? It's so much easier for those type of convos to lead into a 'when are you taking me out?' scenario than trying to say it when he is surrounded by colleagues.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 12:29:21

No I don't have his number - you're right that would make things a LOT easier. No idea how to get it though, without having to ask in front of everyone at work (spot the key theme here - we never have any time without other people around (well ok last night we were talking to just each other in the pub for at least an hour, probably more, and I could have done something then but I wussed out. I admit it).)
Any suggestions ?!

sebsmummy1 Thu 07-Nov-13 13:19:47

Ok, how about before you disappear off on holiday/Friday evening end of work, you write your number on the back of your business card with the words 'ring me' and press it into his hand on the way out.

Then as you do so you can flash him a smile and if he is all like 'wtf?', then you can say ' so we can arrange that drink'.

If you do it at all sassy like I think it could be pretty sexy and empowering then it gives him the impetus to drop you a message and hopefully it will kick off from there.

Dahlen Thu 07-Nov-13 13:31:17

Prople can be socially confident, fully functioning adults and still get a bit daft when it comes to romance. Even men get nervous and you told him that you weren't interested. For all you know, he's probably moaning at his mates that you keep giving him mixed signals.

I assume he's a proper grown up who doesn't fall out with people all the time and treats his female colleagues with the same respect as his male ones? If so, you have nothing to lose other than a possibly a few minutes of your pride, by asking him out. If he says no, you're off to pastures new anyway.

sherbetpips Thu 07-Nov-13 13:39:23

I have been with my DH for 22 years and he couldnt even look me in the eye when he met me, I flirted mercilessly with him, turned up wherever he was, even draped myself around him a few times. I finally just went for it and kissed him. He was shocked, hadn't even noticed me flirting. You rebuffed him after the first kiss so he thinks he hasnt got a chance, of course he isnt going to ask you out. Get asking and have fun (oh and come back on and tell us all about it......)

halfwildlingwoman Thu 07-Nov-13 13:42:42

Are you sure he's not in a relationship? I really hate to be so cynical, but what if he's the type that loves to flirt but has a girlfriend at home. I have known many of these and a friend has just discovered after months of flirting with a work colleague that he isn't actually available.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 13:56:05

Sebsmummy - a great idea! Maybe I should stick a post it note on his forehead grin
ok, wil try to be brave and crack on with giving this a try.

Halfwild - am 99.9% sure. If he is seeing someone then it's not known at work (and people generally know each other's business). It's theoretically possible, of course.

Dahlen - yes I think he would probably say I've given mixed signals. He is a great guy, well respected and gets on with everyone - it's one of the reasons I like him, he is so easy-going and friendly to everyone. Just a genuinely nice guy iyswim.

Dahlen Thu 07-Nov-13 15:55:28

I think you should pluck up your courage and go for it.

And report back of course. wink

Joysmum Thu 07-Nov-13 16:10:34

Maybe he's thinking, 'If she was interested she'd have asked me out by now'. Many men are so worried about feminism and being seen as pushy that they are too scared to make a move.

My hubby waited for me to ask him to marry me, waited for me to suggest trying for a baby. I can be very scary sometimes when I get on my high horse about equality and sexism!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 16:39:50

Would it be really wuss-y to slap a post-it note on his desk with my phone number on it onto his desk when I leave this evening? Saying something like 'About that drink .... Text me!'

??

Pumpkinupthejam Thu 07-Nov-13 16:49:13

Do it! Do it!

Undertone Thu 07-Nov-13 17:00:26

DO IT!

<watches with interest as am in very similar boat and I need A Sign>

Fairenuff Thu 07-Nov-13 17:06:37

Are you going to try and ask him tomorrow? I don't think we you could stand the suspense over the weekend.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 07-Nov-13 17:30:40

Do it!!!

But can you also please use cog's line of "you. Me. O'malleys. 7pm" just because I love it grin

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 17:31:42

Haha, I've been dealing with the suspense for weeks! This is why I'm going slightly out of my mind.

Work got in the way so I didn't do the postit note thing. Will try tomorrow. I promise.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 17:32:56

I'll need to find a pub called O'Malley's ...

silvermantella Thu 07-Nov-13 17:50:42

I think he does like you, but is biding his time/psyching himself up until closer to when you move departments. Mainly because this is definitely what I would do if I were in his position (If I liked a man I worked with)! Think of it from his POV, it would be weird and awkward if you said no, and you had to carry on working together.

Just beat him to it and ask him! He'll be so a) happy and b) relieved you'll have an amazing time!

LessMissAbs Thu 07-Nov-13 20:20:53

halfwildingwoman Are you sure he's not in a relationship? I really hate to be so cynical, but what if he's the type that loves to flirt but has a girlfriend at home. I have known many of these and a friend has just discovered after months of flirting with a work colleague that he isn't actually available

Same here. He is keeping his work life separate from his home life

Does he have a car? Why not ask him for a lift somewhere near where he lives after work, saying your car is in the garage or something?

Email him. Drink tonight.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 07-Nov-13 20:52:32

This guy is deffo not shacked up with anyone. He and his ex split last winter. He may be dating casually, it's not impossible, how can one ever know? But no sign of it afaik. I know people can deliberately mislead but I really do feel that if it turns out he's either attached or not interested but enjoying the attention then I will have fundamentally misjudged his character. Which is of course entirely possible. What can I say ..

temporary Fri 08-Nov-13 12:49:54

So?

cantthinkofagoodone Fri 08-Nov-13 12:58:16

Did you leave the post it?

You could always e-mail asking him for his number. When he eventually sees his e-mail and responds you could text him

I don't know if I can cope with the suspense of that one though.

QuintesKabooom Fri 08-Nov-13 13:09:34

I would not bother. You have kissed, you have flirted, you have even mentioned going out for drinks.

If he has not taken the hint/bait by now, he is either not interested, or so spineless I would not want him.

Joysmum Fri 08-Nov-13 13:40:05

We'll if I'd taken that attitude quinteskabooom I'd wouldn't be with the man of my dreams and 19 years down the line.

Either we want equal rights and responsibilities or we don't. It costs nothing to try or she can do nothing and possibly be missing out.

QuintesKabooom Fri 08-Nov-13 13:44:17

I dont see equal rights here as an issue, she has already told him she wants to go out with him. He has not acted on this, yet.

struggling100 Fri 08-Nov-13 14:07:17

I faced the same dilemma as you, having never, ever asked a guy out. I plucked up courage, did it... and we are now married. Go for it!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 14:22:05

I brought in a vintage postcard to write a message on and leave on his desk. Am going to do so this afternoon before I leave. Eek.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 14:23:42

PS. Thanks for all the encouragement smile
I have never done this before. I am bricking it. But I talked to a friend earlier who has recently been in a similar situation - she prevaricated for so long and in the meantime the guy has met someone else ! That has motivated me ....

Livinginlimbo2 Fri 08-Nov-13 14:25:28

Please, just do it!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 14:29:01

Btw, in my private life I am pretty laid back but at work I am a hyper-ambitious, driven career woman an I think he is judging me on the basis of that, and thinking that I'm the kind of person who will go for something if she wants it. So I suspect that he thinks if I want him I will ask him. (He by contrast is a very laid back, non ambitious non-career person).

I may be very wrong though ! Maybe I am just reading too much into it and he's not into me after all. Time to put on my big-girl pants and find out.

Shakey1500 Fri 08-Nov-13 14:35:03

Good luck! thanks

Look forward to the update smile

<lurking>

wakemeupnow Fri 08-Nov-13 14:58:25

well ?....

FortyFacedFuckers Fri 08-Nov-13 15:02:57

Good Luck OP grin

Jan45 Fri 08-Nov-13 15:06:36

Again, I just think if he was interested, he would have asked, you've dropped enough hints. For me, if it was that he was just too scared, I'd actually find that a complete turn off.

Then again, I would LOVE for you to prove me wrong! Hurry up woman.

struggling100 Fri 08-Nov-13 15:09:12

Oooh! Good luck!

I think the idea that guys will just leap on any woman who looks remotely available is old-fashioned now. Some men are just as shy and nervous about asking a woman out as some women are about asking a guy! smile

Snapespeare Fri 08-Nov-13 15:14:34

blatant placemark

good luck OP!

ProphetOfDoom Fri 08-Nov-13 15:21:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumbaisapphire Fri 08-Nov-13 17:42:20

Any update?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 17:51:36

Haven't done it yet (I work late hours). Am going to do it en route out.

MushroomSoup Fri 08-Nov-13 17:51:45

Come ooooonnnn!

MushroomSoup Fri 08-Nov-13 17:52:11

Aww! Frustrating x-post!

Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the horns. If we did a poll on mners who had to make the first move on their DHs you would be surprised.

If it helps, I grabbed Dh by the tie and snogged him full on in the middle of the dance floor on a Christmas night out (my friend worked with him and we'd met a few times, he wasn't just a random!) because the tension between us was electric. And I was slightly tipsy!!

Ooh, I would love to have the fluttery tummy feeling again! <gazes wistfully into the distance>

Go do it now, now now!!

What is on the postcard btw? Please don't let it be Anne geddes or something! grin

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 17:57:24

I may give myself away completely grin
It's a vintage Transport For London Art Deco design ...

Ok tasteful, not seaside tacky! I like that!

Now, go do it <lives vicariously>

stop don't do it!

Go all aloof instead and leave it up to him.

This will be so cringe!

Bugger off fiscal! wink grin

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 18:06:22

I did it !!!!
He was away from his desk so I put it beside the keyboard.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 18:07:20

I've done aloof for weeks, it hasn't worked. If I make a fool of myself then so be it. I'll survive.

You have to mix the aloof with moments of great warmth.

It confuses the hell out of em, and leaves them intrigued…

Oh what the hell, i don't know! Rules have changed, haven't they?

Rules are made to be broken!!

Yay! Go Somewhere!!

MollyBerry Fri 08-Nov-13 18:16:28

I'm watching this! Excited for you!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 18:25:16

Thanks all smile
Now the pessimism begins ...
Tried to see whether it was still there as I left but couldn't quite tell. He is REALLY busy (early evenings are the most busy time of day for him), lots of people coming and asking for stuff, so I knew he would be too busy to talk to me if I did it at this time of day grin

ziggiestardust Fri 08-Nov-13 18:37:31

<scream>

Well done OP! I think he thought you weren't bothered about him after the kiss and "oh I was so drunk!" line. Perhaps he felt that he'd put himself out there once, and he wasn't going to do it again without some kind of definite feeling from you.

So excited for you! smilegrinwink

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 18:46:26

I remember very clearly when we kissed that it was him who started it, because I remember him looking at me and me repeating in my head like a mantra DO NOT LUNGE DO NOT LUNGE DO NOT LUNGE - because I wanted it to definitely be coming from him and not me. Not in a game playing way, just in a 'not making a fool of myself' way.

wibble

LornaMorello Fri 08-Nov-13 18:54:31

<de lurks>
I'm so excited for you! Really hope you two end up going for that drink smile

PyroclasticFlo Fri 08-Nov-13 19:04:54

Also de-lurking, hope it works out brilliantly for you grin

Well done!

Now the wait for the call begins...

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 19:33:52

I have chips and gin. Consolation prizes (am thinking pessimistically).
Well even if nothing happens at least I got rid of the horrible lingering sense of confusion and uncertainty.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 20:22:50

I have a text message.

It is from my ex-boyfriend, who has not contacted me for at least six months (and I ignored those texts).
Is he psychic?

EBearhug Fri 08-Nov-13 20:26:49

Vinegar really is better on chips than gin, you know...

Are you in the pub waiting?

poopinthebin Fri 08-Nov-13 20:26:51

ooooh! Exciting.

Notmadeofrib Fri 08-Nov-13 20:30:56

I'd be bouncing off the walls right now. Good work OP!

beachside Fri 08-Nov-13 20:54:27

Gosh!

Life in the Upper sixth form is so exciting isn't it?

Seriously, if you are old enough to have a job, go to the pub etc, you are grown up enough to ask someone out. What is the worst that could happen hmm?

LessMissAbs Fri 08-Nov-13 20:58:06

Does the man at work know your ex boyfriend?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 08-Nov-13 21:21:22

LessMissAbs - nope. No possible way. Just a bit bizarre.

Livinginlimbo2 Fri 08-Nov-13 22:01:25

Any news yet?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sat 09-Nov-13 07:50:27

Nowt sad

LornaMorello Sat 09-Nov-13 09:19:55

Maybe the note fell off his desk/phones out of battery/he hasn't realised it's from you <clutching at straws>

Sorry OP sad

ProphetOfDoom Sat 09-Nov-13 09:33:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sebsmummy1 Sat 09-Nov-13 09:47:21

Was it left in an obvious place, like he couldn't miss it if he went back to his desk?

His is like a romcom where you're rooting for the main characters to get together but they keep missing each other's cues or spend the whole film misunderstanding everything lol

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sat 09-Nov-13 09:55:11

I've been trying not to get paranoid that he thought it was a flyer from a newspaper (there was a stack of them beside the keyboard) or just didn't notice it properly because he was busy or something.
But that way lies madness.
The simplest explanation is that he saw it and hasn't texted. And if for some bizarre reason he didn't see it, there is nothing I can do about it now anyway.
At least I'm off for the first half of next week so I don't have to think about seeing him for a while!
Ho hum. Thanks for all your support everyone - you've made a stressful experience slightly more fun at least grin

Anniegetyourgun Sat 09-Nov-13 09:58:55

Nah, lucky escape. Just imagine trying to buy a house or raise a family with a guy who's this hard to get hold of. Some men were just born to be the stuff of fantasy, unfortunately. (Ah, fond memories.)

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sat 09-Nov-13 10:01:44

You're right of course! I have said that to myself before. Someone said something on another thread I was lurking on a while back and I think it's very applicable to this situation: 'He's not the man you need him to be'.

Livinginlimbo2 Sat 09-Nov-13 10:30:34

Never say never. You don't know if he's the man for you or not, but you have to take a chance on this situation. Bring him a little gift back from your hols. Perhaps a " Kiss Me Quick " hat?

MadeMan Sat 09-Nov-13 12:07:28

OP, try and forget about the situation with him until you're back at work.

You've done your bit now and whether or not he's seen your postcard, you don't want to end up wasting the whole of your weekend and days off worrying about stuff; it'll drive you potty. smile

Zilvernblue Sat 09-Nov-13 12:17:03

Perhaps he's the time wasting type. Like to flirt, heavily, but then clams up/claims innocence/runs away when you try to take the normal progression.

Or maybe he just wants a ONS and thinks dating is too serious.

Or maybe he just takes forever to ask a woman out on a date. and then complains that all the good ones are taken

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sat 09-Nov-13 12:36:40

Thanks - am definitely not going to brood on it all weekend smile
There is a nice man in my garden fixing my fence which blew down in "The Great Storm" the other week, so today's not all bad grin

sebsmummy1 Sat 09-Nov-13 19:34:55

Argh don't slag the bloke off if we don't even know if he saw the postcard!!! Guys aren't like is when it comes to noticing stuff. Plus IMO there is no way he would do nothing in this scenario when he is going to be seeing OP at work. If anything he would do a polite no thank you, I am seeing someone else, you're a lovely person etc etc just to make sure the situation at dork wasn't awkward. I think if there is no text he hasn't seen the postcard.

Livinginlimbo2 Sat 09-Nov-13 22:09:43

I agree with sebs. Men are not all that good at spotting physical changes in their environment, how many have had a radical new haircut or gone from blonde to brunette and there fella hasn't noticed?

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sun 10-Nov-13 11:30:05

I appreciate your attempt to think charitably about him grin
The thing is though, if I let myself think that way then I'll drive myself mad. Better to just keep it simple and not worry about it. Because otherwise ...
Maybe he didn't see the postcard
Maybe he did see it and is waiting to see me in person at work
Maybe he did see it but has gone off me
Maybe he did see it but he met someone else on holiday
Maybe he did see it but has a hot date over the weekend and is waiting to see how that goes before replying
Maybe he did see it and is intending to text me but hasn't got round to it yet because he's a bit of a slacker
Maybe he did see it and was intending to text me but has been kidnapped by aliens ...
...
...
And so on.
Fundamentally, I left him my number, he hasn't texted, that's that.
I put it between the keyboard and the mouse FFS. He was away from his desk for about 5 minutes. Anybody would notice if something had appeared next to their keyboard and mouse in that space of time. Anyone. It's just not credible that he didn't see it.
Sadly, much as I hate to say this, let's keep it simple. I've wasted enough of my mental energy wondering about this guy in the past few weeks, I've had enough frankly smile sad

Granville72 Sun 10-Nov-13 12:45:27

Don't dismiss him yet. You never know there may be a little something waiting on your desk when you go back to work.

Livinginlimbo2 Sun 10-Nov-13 13:02:01

Whatever the outcome OP, you've done the right thing by leaving the postcard. Crushes/attraction in the workplace can drag on for a long time and become all consuming. At least you've laid your cards on the table and hopefully burst the bubble.
Recently I worked at a place where one of the senior managers had an obvious crush on another senior manager. Not knowing their real situation, I assumed they were having an affair. Turned out they were not. She had been infatuated with him for 15 years!
To watch how she behaved around him was embarrassing.
I'm not saying you are anything like this woman, but I think by addressing your feelings and being proactive you have saved yourself a lot of heartache. That said ,who's to know what will happen.
You have conducted yourself with the upmost dignity.

EBearhug Sun 10-Nov-13 13:25:18

Anybody would notice if something had appeared next to their keyboard and mouse in that space of time.

Going by some of my colleagues, I wouldn't bet on that. I thought, "I'll stick the Post-It with the important message on their screen frame, because they won't miss it." (Couldn't put it onto the screen itself, because of personal obsession with clean screens.) Bright-coloured and obvious Post-It wasn't seen for an hour. It sometimes astounds me how unobservant some people can be (and that's from the woman who has walked into someone in the corridor because she was lost in her own thoughts...)

Mind you, I'm not entirely sure I'd want to go out with someone that unobservant, unless they came up with a really good excuse.

BitOutOfPractice Sun 10-Nov-13 14:08:14

Is the an update <prays that op has been on a weekend long shag fest with office boy>

Livinginlimbo2 Sun 10-Nov-13 18:50:49

Only time will tell, everything crossed xx

mainamow Sun 10-Nov-13 23:18:24

I wouldn't ask. You had one hour together and he didn't initiate anything. Not right.

poopinthebin Sun 10-Nov-13 23:25:21

I bloody love latecomers who don't read the thread. :D

sebsmummy1 Mon 11-Nov-13 09:58:05

He he yep, read the whole thread people!!!!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Mon 11-Nov-13 10:38:11

grin There's always one, isn't there!

No update. Will keep you posted if anything happens (or doesn't happen) when I get back to work.

Thanks for all your encouragement everyone, I truly never thought this thread would get so many replies shock smile

Notmadeofrib Tue 12-Nov-13 17:20:37

Have you written him off yet?

Livinginlimbo2 Tue 12-Nov-13 20:57:26

No, OP is on holiday, she only left the note on Friday as she was leaving work. Only time will tell........

Notmadeofrib Wed 13-Nov-13 16:55:12

Thanks living missed that bit... got to get my new love kicks from somewhere grin

Haggismcbaggis Wed 13-Nov-13 18:55:38

Just marking for when the OP returns ...

WorkAlot Wed 13-Nov-13 23:36:00

Im kind of in same situation. We flirted on a works night out and told me he likes me and he has a gf. I also have a bf. Ive got very itchy feet its driving me crazy.

WorkAlot Wed 13-Nov-13 23:41:18

You only live once so go for it.

FluffyJumper Thu 14-Nov-13 00:56:36

So was the postcard picture side up, and the message on the back? You see, if that appeared on my desk I would probably think it was a flyer or something advertising days out at the museum or something, and probably not think 'I bet there's a love note on the back' and turn it over.

However that really doesn't help OP, sorry.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 14-Nov-13 08:57:16

Fluffy - yes it was picture side up. Hmm.
Was back at work yesterday - had morning meetings out of the office so didn't get in til early afternoon. He sauntered over within 10 mins to say hi. No indication whatsoever of anything being amiss. Then did his usual trying-to-catch-my-eye whenever I walked past. I avoided looking at him tbh blush
Either he is a massive, colossal arsehole who just enjoys the drama and distraction of winding me up, OR he didn't get the postcard. OR he got it but is waiting for some reason. OR it's a misguided attempt at 'being friendly' on his part.
I don't know what to think but I've had enough of wondering, frankly. I'm not a drama-llama normally, honest. And this situation feels a bit too drama-llama for my liking.

FluffyJumper Thu 14-Nov-13 11:11:17

He didn't get it, surely?

Granville72 Thu 14-Nov-13 11:16:49

He can't have got the note surely? offer to make him a coffee or go for a coffee at lunch time or something and ask him.

Livinginlimbo2 Thu 14-Nov-13 11:23:00

So he sauntered over to you in 10 minutes, tried to catch your eye and you avoided him? Why?, he might have wanted to use this opportunity to say something.
Ask yourself this question; from an outsiders perspective, do you think it looks like you are the one playing games?
Next time he tries to catch your eye, look at him and at least smile.

m0nkeynuts Thu 14-Nov-13 11:31:07

Livinginlimbo2 I read it as he came over to say hi, then OP avoided eye contact later on whenever she walked past. So they have spoken.

Sounds like he didn't get the postcard, OP. TBH if I was very busy (as you said he was), I'd have assumed it was late [junk] mail that had been put on my desk and would have shoved it out of the way without looking at it!

Blatently marking my place, waiting for the update that reveals he's only just found it, gets all excited and comes over to ask the OP out grin

Livinginlimbo2 Thu 14-Nov-13 12:17:14

Just ask him to join you for lunch. Your moving departments and you'd like to have a chat etc. He's probably not seen the card.
What have you got to lose eh?

BitOutOfPractice Thu 14-Nov-13 12:59:39

Ask him if he got your card!!!

Livinginlimbo2 Thu 14-Nov-13 13:05:22

Listen, he may or may not turn out to be a total prick, but in my experience I've noticed that men ( and women) act like complete knobs when they have a crush on someone. One of you has got to make a move or there's going to be a very uncomfortable atmosphere at work. Burst this bubble and see what happens.

tablefor4 Thu 14-Nov-13 13:05:25

Asaagghhhh...

New to thread.

Please ask him if he got your postcard!

ps flowers for doing it in the first place whatever the outcome and wine (cos there's no MN [champagne]) for your promotion!

sebsmummy1 Thu 14-Nov-13 13:14:06

Omg he can't have got it can he!!! There is no way in hell someone would continue to act totally normally if they had chosen to ignore a love note. They'd be acting kind of weird, I'm sure of it.

BigArea Thu 14-Nov-13 13:22:20

Shameless place marking because I too am convinced he didn't see your message...

skyeskyeskye Thu 14-Nov-13 13:33:44

place marking too because I want to know the outcome!

Well done for doing that. Maybe the next time you see him, you can just ask him if he is interested or not?

Around 12 years ago, I had a man that flirted terribly with me, a bit younger than me, but made it clear he was interested. In the end I asked him outright if he was interested or not I was very drunk at the time and he said, look, I really like you, but you are too old for me! It upset me, but at least I knew and we have stayed friendly since but without the flirting....

Fingers crossed for you that he didn't see the message or some such explanation....

At least if it gets a bit awkward, you won't be working with him any more.

I know its not very romantic but could you send him an email? All this faffing with postcards as whimsical and locely as it is there will always be the "did he get it" question. and email is less personal but you can be damned sure he will have seen it.

lizzie I got crow road and the wasp factor dor my kidle last week for 99p each.

oops worng thread! grin stull they are good reads op if you need a distraction!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 14-Nov-13 19:07:56

Glaikit - as I said before, he doesn't check his email much. It's hard to explain without explaining what we do and outing me grin
I've emailed him before and he hasn't seen it. So I don't really think that will work.
Not sure what is going on now tbh. Really don't want to ask him out in front of everyone. Am probably just going to leave it for a while and see how things go - have spent enough time angsting over this!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 14-Nov-13 19:09:16

PS. Thanks for the comments and encouragement everyone! It does make a difference to have some objective perspectives - helps reassure me that I'm not going mad or reading too much into it.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 14-Nov-13 19:27:59

Oh bloody hell! PM me his phone number and I'll ring him for you! wink

sebsmummy1 Thu 14-Nov-13 19:28:50

Can I make a suggestion? Go out and date some other guys. Whether it be a blind date through a friend or a few dates through a dating agency, just start having dome fun with some other men.

IME guys seem to have a sixth sense for when girls they like are being wooed by other men, hoe many times have you just started seeing a new man when your ex suddenly gets in touch? Happens all the time! So be a honey pot for a while and if he is an interested bee he will be abuzzing in your direction in no time grin

Livinginlimbo2 Thu 14-Nov-13 20:03:20

Sebs is right. Just have a couple of blind dates, nothing heavy, tell him you went to see such and such etc, with a date. Listen girl, I know he's interested, just scared to death of admitting it and being let down, just as you are. You are not going mad or reading to much into it. I've been/am in a similar position to you. I know it's hard but just try to be yourself around him. Oh boy am I excited!

Twinklestein Thu 14-Nov-13 20:08:09

This is terrible advice. He's already 'buzzing' in her direction, if she tells him about dates she's been on he'll think she's telling him she's not interested...

OP when he tries to catch your eye, look back, don't avoid it. If you do that enough he may do the difficult bit and ask you out. If you want to give him your number it has to be a post it on his actual keyboard so he can't miss it.

(He so didn't get your card btw - I knew he wouldn't)

sebsmummy1 Thu 14-Nov-13 20:13:25

Pmsl it is NOT terrible advice!!! I take issue with you saying it is lol

I am not suggesting OP starts talking about any dates jn front of him in as a pretense to get him jealous. What I am saying is when we are dating and flirting/snogging attractive boys, we give off an alluring pheromone that guys can sense. It's like the small smile you have the morning after a really good steamy session the night before. Or those perfume ads where the girl is sashaying through a crowd and people are turning as she goes.

I want I OP to go into work, sashay past with a small smile on her face and see the guy she likes think Eh? She looks bloody hot, what's she been up to? Plus in the meantime OP will prob meet some gorgeous bloke and won't give a flying fuck what work man thinks anymore

Livinginlimbo2 Thu 14-Nov-13 20:32:30

Haha Sebs. It's right, when you are feeling good about yourself guys notice.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 14-Nov-13 20:36:48

I'm not going on any dates - I'm off on holiday next Thurs, so I'll just get through til then and have a couple of weeks out of the office to clear my head hormones ...

I know what you mean about exes texting, Sebs - my ex texted several times over the weekend. Bizarre timing. (Not my most recent ex btw - one from a couple of years ago).

sebsmummy1 Thu 14-Nov-13 20:40:52

Exactly OP. What's the betting the work guy will come to nothing, you will meet someone else and just as it starts to get serious work guy will decide to confess how undying love? Has happened to me a couple of times and caught me totally off guard.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 14-Nov-13 20:47:10

Seems to be what ALWAYS happens to me grin
I've been 'the one who got away' for several guys. It's bloody frustrating. And yes I know it's probably because I'm so shit at making a move on guys I like .... Then I move on and afterwards they give it a shot. Grr.

tummybummer Thu 14-Nov-13 21:12:00

Why don't you just go up to him at work and say, 'Did you get my card? I was hoping we'd be able to go out some time. On a date.'

Seems like it would save a lot of time and guessing!

sebsmummy1 Thu 14-Nov-13 21:17:31

Ha ha tummy that is the perfect thing to do. Problem is OP never has a chance to be alone with this bloke out of earshot of everyone else. Plus if he says yes and then starts to mumble an excuse I imagine it would be bloody embarrassing!!!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 14-Nov-13 21:24:53

Tummy - if I get a chance when there's no one else around, I will do that, I promise. It's just hard when we're overheard the whole time.
I'm having leaving-department drinks one night next week. Am hoping he will come along but not counting on it. When I get a chance I will ask him, obviously. But I don't want to predicate my expectations of the whole night on his presence. It's mostly for me to say bye to my current colleagues and that is what I want to focus on. Not on whether this guy I happen to like shows up or not.

HogFucker Fri 15-Nov-13 12:24:44

Maybe the cleaner got it and thought it was for him (her?) - you may still get a call!

He's a bloke, I would say the likelihood of him seeing a post card and turning it over are pretty small to be honest. He probably thought 'who left this shite on my desk?' and put it in the bin.

Woodenpeg Fri 15-Nov-13 12:39:52

right, de-lurking.

My mate left a note for a girl, she didn't see it for over a week. They've been in each others pockets since she called him and apologised for not reading/seeing said note!!

Just ask him if he got your note... If he says yes, you say; oh, okay - cool. If not - coversation opener! Either way you'll know.

(soz if that's already been suggested!)

Good luck OP!

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 15-Nov-13 21:57:00

So, I took the opportunity of running it past a colleague who is a mutual friend of both of us. She said he does like me BUT he is still messed up about his ex (who dumped him last winter after a serious live-in 'forever' relationship) and so he's equivocating. She also reckons that, because he's a pretty independent type, me trying to move things forward is only going to make him more hesitant. So she said - and this is where my instincts were leading already - I should just back off, leave him to it, get on with my life and if it's meant to be, he'll reach a point where he's 'over it' enough to feel ready for something new. If that's with me, great - but obviously I'm not going to stop lookin elsewhere in the meantime grin

So - not a great ending to this story I'm afraid. Sorry I couldn't deliver a happy ending for you all, you've been so supportive. But I'm really glad that I have some idea what's going on and, most importantly, know how to handle it going forward. That at least feels like a bit of a relief.

FluffyJumper Fri 15-Nov-13 22:01:39

Ah well, bad timing, at least you know now.

RollerCola Fri 15-Nov-13 22:12:34

But DID HE GET YOUR CARD???
grin

I just think it's a bit weird that if he did, he's not mentioned it.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 15-Nov-13 22:26:21

I have no idea tbh. It doesn't really matter though, does it. He knows I'm interested (or else he wouldn't have discussed it with mutual friend - clearly). I'm not in the business of being 'the rebound girl' and even if he wanted me to be, he knows it would be a disastrous idea since we work together (albeit in different departments shortly). You don't want to have to worry about who's going to turn up at the pub on a Friday night in case it's your ex-rebound girl grin I can understand that. I'd rather not get involved than be a casual fling.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 15-Nov-13 22:30:45

PS. If anyone anywhere near London has any hot single male friends who fancy a blind date, I could really do with one sometime soon grin

skyeskyeskye Fri 15-Nov-13 23:13:49

oh well sad

all you can do now is leave it alone. If he wants you he knows where you are......

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Fri 15-Nov-13 23:34:00

Precisely smile He has a lot left to sort out in his life by the sounds of it. He's a nice guy, I genuinely do want the best for him (even though I feel a little miffed right now) - and I've had so much good luck this year with my big promotion and all that. I don't feel I have much right to complain about this outcome tbh.
I'm just going to focus on having a great holiday and then when I get back, my new job will monopolise my attention so I'll focus on that for the next few months (it's one of those BIG opportunities).

Granville72 Sat 16-Nov-13 15:20:51

Hey it's Christmas soon and there is bound to be an office party or drinks. You never know who may be waiting under the Mistletoe for you

Livinginlimbo2 Sat 16-Nov-13 19:18:33

Here here Gran. I wouldn't invest too much time worrying about crush. Let him deal with his shit and just have fun. Perhaps all the anxiety and anticipation is a bit scary for him. Let him get an eyeful of you in your gladrags and show him what he's missing.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Sun 17-Nov-13 18:56:07

Thanks smile - I don't want to still be hoping so am going to write it off. But will see how things go in the longer term - maybe I'll be less shit at asking him out next year grin
If anything happens I PROMISE I will come and update the thread!

Livinginlimbo2 Tue 26-Nov-13 10:26:15

Any news? How was the holiday? Hope you had a great time xx

Livinginlimbo2 Tue 26-Nov-13 10:44:18

Any news? How was the holiday? Hope you had a great time xx

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 04-Dec-13 20:57:41

Just to update the thread (thanks for your thoughts Livinginlimbo smile ) -

He turned up to my leaving-the-old-job drinks. Stayed all evening. Happened to be leaving at the same time (other people around too but either just before or after). I looked at him, he looked at me, I leaned a little ....

And he said in a fairly brutal fashion that he didn't like me, had never liked me, had said so when we kissed before (an incident in which HE kissed ME let us be clear - and no he had said no such thing) and just generally it was horrible and I was in shock. I kept saying 'but why all the flirting, the attention, the ... (Etc)' to which he had no answer.

And after just a minute or so THANK YOU JESUS a good female friend emerged from the pub with some other people and I turned away from his gaping unable-to-answer cowardly face and walked off with her with dignity.
(And then cried on the way home and when I got in but hey he didn't see any of that so it doesn't count).

Arsehole.
MY FUCKING EVENING FFS. Why would any sane person ... Sigh. Anyway. Whatever.
I said 'why did you come tonight then?' And he said 'these are my friends, you can't stop me seeing them.'
My fucking leaving drinks. Only about 15 people, all of whom I've worked with closely. He worked with 2 - me, and my boss. There was no need for him to be there, and if he genuinely wasn't interested then he probably woulda noticed my embarrassing behaviour (the postcard! Facepalm!) and bailed out. Surely.
Arsehole. I want to think well of him but I just can't find an explanation that does that.

Sorry for the delay in reporting back but I've been having a work-detox on hols. And today was my first day back and I'm sitting in a totally different bit of the office (which is all weird and Important-People and stuff but that's a whole other thread) and I'm totally fine about it now.

Except that I think he's an epic arsehole while also thinking I am a total loser who must have been psychotic to think someone like him (or indeed anyone in fact) would fancy me.

So, yay for self esteem hey.
But at least I sorted it out one way or the other.
Arsehole.

Thanks so much for all your support everyone, you've been absolutely magic.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 04-Dec-13 21:02:58

That last bit sounded sarcastic but it wasn't, I honestly do appreciate everyone who's posted for their support so thank you smile

TheCrumpetQueen Wed 04-Dec-13 21:23:13

Well, he's a nasty piece of twisted work, isn't he?

Don't let him get you down, you sound lovely. He sounds deranged.

Chin up x

BarbarianMum Wed 04-Dec-13 21:25:54

Wow, didn't see that coming! Poor you!

On the bright side, you've finally met the real him. So now you know you're missing nowt.

TheCrumpetQueen Wed 04-Dec-13 21:28:53

Least you didn't shag him, hey!

JuneauWhoIAm Wed 04-Dec-13 21:33:04

Wow, he's a bit of a head wreck.

Wanker.

skyeskyeskye Wed 04-Dec-13 21:34:46

what a bastard! WTF is wrong with these men to send out such mixed signals?!

oh well, brush yourself off and be thankful you have changed jobs. If you cross his path, just be professionally civil with him.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 04-Dec-13 21:35:59

Haha thank heaven for small mercies!
Sigh.
It's going to be lame seeing him around. But I'll grit my teeth. At least I have a new job I focus on for the next few months - no temptation of going onto online dating in an attempt to 'move on' (kills the self esteem entirely in my experience).

Thank you all xx

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Wed 04-Dec-13 21:40:06

The most positive interpretation I can put onto it (and I'm trying, believe me) is that he is still really hurting over his ex dumping him and he enjoyed the flattery but when it became onerous he took the opportunity to exact some of the hurt he has been feeling onto me.
I can understand that, I've been in that really crushing heartbreak situation where you lose it for a few months and will try to hurt people almost casually.

I'm not excusing him and it doesn't change anything btw. Just given that I work in his vicinity I'd rather attribute it to that than let it overwhelm me with the arseholery of the whole thing. Iyswim.
Charitable thoughts etc.
Arsehole grin

LessMissAbs Wed 04-Dec-13 22:08:29

O.M.G. He sounds like a psychopath, who gets off on leading women on then rejecting them. That's horriffic. I am so sorry this happened to you, but it is him, not you. There is basic human etiquette and manners that most decent people know, and he has deliberately created this situation to do this. Not all psychopaths are murderers...

You might be feeling a bit awful now, naturally, but I suspect in a few days you will start to feel relief that you aren't involved in his little game any more. You didn't feel attracted to him until he kissed you, go back to that feeling and think of him as psychologically irretrievably damaged.

Why he came to your leaving do is almost like a form of stalking, just so he can reject you. Its seriously weird behaviour.

No wonder his ex dumped him! Did he definitely have an actual ex, or did he make that up?

LessMissAbs Wed 04-Dec-13 22:13:41

There is some kind of personality disorder where people flirt outrageously without being aware of the social nuances of their actions, or claim not to be. Its one of the major ones, something like avoidant personality disorder or similar. His behaviour, from what you have described, the eye contact, at work, the initiating of a kiss, the going to your leaving do, the brutal rejection of you, his behaviour is really dreadful.

blueshoes Wed 04-Dec-13 22:58:59

What a head fuck. What he did was calculated to exact the maximum hurt. Words fail me as to what would motivate a person to do that. I am really sorry that you had to encounter him. His ex clearly dumped him for a reason. You are well rid. Enjoy your promotion and leave the dregs behind.

BettySwalloxs Wed 04-Dec-13 23:49:26

What a twunt. shock
Still, head up, tits out, move on.

He's still a twunt though....

FluffyJumper Thu 05-Dec-13 00:34:23

I second the person who said at least you didn't shag him! That would've been worse grin

beaglesaresweet Thu 05-Dec-13 00:51:08

just shock

Op, do not eve bdare to think of yourself as a loser! that's irrational. You come across as really nice, fun and charming imo. Someone (or not just one) will appreciate!

beaglesaresweet Thu 05-Dec-13 00:51:36

'even dare' that should have been.

FesterAddams Thu 05-Dec-13 03:36:33

You're not a loser.
He, on the other hand, is seriously twisted.

CuntyBunty Thu 05-Dec-13 05:19:48

Oh no! I've been following and lurking and it sounds like you had a lucky escape. He sounds like an over grown sixth former; he's just playing, and really, what's the point? I would have cried too. He sounds cruel.

Chin up, I think you were really unlucky to have got caught up in his weird melodramas. You sound sorted, you really do.

SomewhereBeyondTheSea Thu 05-Dec-13 06:40:10

Thanks everyone smile
I'm glad I've for a really absorbing new job to focus on for the next few months - no more adventures in office 'romance' for me !! grin
I really do appreciate everyone who has posted, thank you so much, I never thought I'd get this many replies!

NorfolkInGood Thu 05-Dec-13 07:26:07

what an arse, glad you got some closure on that idiot. Good luck with your new job! wink

Jan45 Thu 05-Dec-13 10:47:03

As I had suspected, a total game player, and nasty with it, what a lucky escape you have had, and btw, you are no loser, sounds he is, in more ways than one.

If I was you, I'd not get involved with people at work in my personal life and remember, let the man woo you, not the other way around, that's how you filter out the idiots.

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Dec-13 11:19:04

<<If I was you, I'd not get involved with people at work in my personal life and remember, let the man woo you, not the other way around, that's how you filter out the idiots.>>

If that were true then myself plus 3 other people in the room I'm in wouldn't be married and none of us feel our partners are idiots.

Lots of people meet their spouse/partners through work. It is perfectly fine for a woman to make the first move (were not deer that need to be persued). OP was just unlucky, that's all.

BarbarianMum Thu 05-Dec-13 11:19:31

hmm we're

Jan45 Thu 05-Dec-13 11:53:33

I said personally I would rather not get involved in a sexual relationship with anyone at my work - that's my entitlement to make that decision, if others want to, go ahead!

I had posted further up to say I didn't think he was interested in a relationship, this has turned out the case, in fact he was a nasty game player. IMO, if a man is interested in having a relationship with you, he lets you know - again, it's fine if the woman wants to be the pursuer, personally, I'd not find a man attractive if he didn't have the balls to ask me out.

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