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Whatnext074 - thread continued

(1000 Posts)
Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 19:57:08

I would firstly like to thank everyone who has offered me support, even those who did so silently on my last thread 1880152-Oh-God-Just-looked-up-H-OW-on-FB-feel-sick

I don't know how to convert the link - I have ticked the box but not sure it's worked.

Thank you for all the pms since too asking how I am.

My previous thread is long so some background: Was with my H for 11 years, we were very close and although we had traumas out of our control, I never doubted that we wouldn't be together forever.

In the space of 9 months, we lost 4 babies in the family, 2 of them our own. We remained close and supported each other.

My H suddenly changed, he turned from a loving, caring man into a stranger who was verbally abusive and aggressive and scared me. He continually denied having an affair when I asked and blamed me for the way he was. I thought he was having a breakdown (I still do).

I found evidence that he was having an affair with a colleague and I told him to leave, he's still with OW. I am so heartbroken and at times, I didn't actually think I would make it to the next day. One particular night a few weeks ago, I believe MNers did save me, just to know there were people there who cared and offer advice.

I have a DS (my H is his SF) who has been so worried about me and I am trying so hard to get myself better.

I have had so many pms from MNers who have asked me to start another thread so I am. I am so utterly grateful for all the support I have been given. I am not completely out of the darkness yet but I hope I don't get as bad as I have been recently.

Zhx3 Tue 05-Nov-13 20:03:18

Hi What,
Lovely to see you back. How are you?

Zhx3 Tue 05-Nov-13 20:04:28
GenevievePettigrew Tue 05-Nov-13 20:07:02

Hello What I am one of your silent supporters. So pleased you've started another thread. Take care & remember you're stronger than you think!

impatienttobemummy Tue 05-Nov-13 20:08:15

Hi What, how are you doing? Thanks for starting another thread x

redundantandbitter Tue 05-Nov-13 20:11:06

Hey what - how was your first day back at work?

Glad you started another thread. We are all still here for you

Putitonthelist Tue 05-Nov-13 20:14:01

Hi what - here for you x

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 20:20:28

Thank you so much and thanks for the link Zhx3.

Had 2 weeks off work, felt a failure for doing so but I know it helped. Went back today, had meeting with my boss who put a 'support plan' in action. My support plan consisted of me not taking anymore time off work in the next 6 month for she would have to give me a written warning as I had a week off when my H first left me and I had sinusitis earlier this year.

So - my H leaves me, my world falls apart, I nearly end of pain and my support plan is not to take anymore time off!!

I also had so many people comment on my weight loss, one saying, how have you managed that?! I just said I've been poorly.

So not a good start really, my boss said she's just following procedure and she can do that because it's not work related stress.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 20:29:43

Hey whatnext!!

Have been thinking about my lovely and hoping you'd start another thread...

So sorry to hear about work- are you sure for can do that? You were signed off by the doctor though? Isn't that the same as being signed off sick? That's all you need...

Have you been eating ok? How's ds?

I've had my Pom poms and hotpants dry cleaned all ready for some more cheerleading if needs be.


mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 20:30:32

* sure she can do that....

This bloody phone......

redundantandbitter Tue 05-Nov-13 20:37:04

Blimey - your boss doesn't sound that brilliant tbh. How can she ask you to not take any More time off? Madness. Are you a member of a union , might be worth checking with them , know anyone friendly in HR? Did you agree to what she said?

I told my boss today that the a/d's are making me feel dreadful. She read the whole leaflet with the meds and advised me to stay in work ( obviously it's better for the bosses if we are there - evening we're useless!). Then she asked me to do a presentation on Thursday. Are you doing all your normal work? I hope it's been managed while you've been off and not piling up?

I get to stay indoors for 2 weeks / hopefully the nausea, cramps and headache will stop soon. You sound a bit better , how's your son?

skyeskyeskye Tue 05-Nov-13 20:42:03

I was going to PM you to see if you had started another thread, so glad to find this one.

If you have any doubts about your boss and what she is saying, then ring ACAS. I don't think that they can give you a written warning if you have been officially signed off by a doctor. What happens if you are ill in the next six months?

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 20:49:12

I get severe migraines so the chances of me being off again in the next 6 months are quite high, I declared this when I started there years ago. I am a hard worker but I know I needed to take time out. She was careful to put it down as not work related stress. If I am off again and I get a warning then I will take it further but wasn't strong enough to argue today.

She's heartless because she has already told me that she is jealous that I am now on my own as she hates her H but can't leave. She then spent the rest of the time slagging off another staff member whose DM is terminally ill saying she can't believe she took time off sick and didn't spend all that time with her DM so she should have been in work.

I don't need this nastiness when I'm trying to get better. Some people are so cruel.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 21:00:26

She sounds hideous. Don't know what field you're on but I could lodge a complaint over her conduct where I work.

I know you don't have any extra strength at all but keep a note of it somewhere. Dates and things she said. If this comes back to bite you on the backside at some point it would be brilliant up have a log. Highly inappropriate for her to tell you about her h and highly inappropriate to discuss someone else's hr matters.

Try not to let it stress you- u just don't need it at the moment!!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 21:01:39

So sorry about my typos....when I re read my posts I a really hear it in the policeman from Allo Allo....this bloody phone and my typos!!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 21:02:09

*actually hear it....ffs I give up!!

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 21:04:09

Love your phone mamma x

redundantandbitter Tue 05-Nov-13 21:11:22

I second that ! Make a quick note of date and conversation in bullet points and save it at home. Hopefully you won't need it but it will just take minute while its fresh in your head.

Sorry about your weight loss - but hopefully you will be slowly nutritionally building yourself back up again - ready to eat that tin of Roses at Xmas !

mammadiggingdeep Tue 05-Nov-13 21:11:59

It's a love/hate thing we have it allows me access to MN wherever I am...hate the bloody typos.

Hope you're ok this evening...
Good luck tomorrow with your hideous her what you're made of by getting stuck in.

Hugs xx

cloudskitchen Tue 05-Nov-13 21:13:38

Another silent supporter here. Glad you've started another thread. Your boss sounds dreadful! That's all you need angry x

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 21:29:35

I am trying not to let it bother me, it's her weakness not mine, I have enough going on but my job has been at risk for 2 years because of cuts and that would be the icing on the cake for me.

I can't get how my H was at weekend out of my mind. Having not seen him for 6 weeks, it helped to see him in such an emotional mess. I did wonder if it was for my benefit but he did the same to his DB too. He cried and cried and when he saw him today, he didn't speak at all. He is a broken man.

I just don't get it. He has what he wanted, a high powered job, a stunning OW, he doesn't want me, he doesn't want a divorce now, he's cold towards me when I am just kind to him as I can't hate him, although I did show my strength on Saturday and everyone said I looked great.

It's messing with my head. My heart is saying to help him, I know him better than anyone but he has hurt me beyond belief. I think he's having a breakdown. It's so sad, is that normal behaviour after men get what they want? I would expect him to be happy but he is far from that. My head is so messed up and now I feel guilty for getting a letter sent to him from my solicitor.

I try never to be a bad person but I just care about people, even though he has done so many things wrong.

Zhx3 Tue 05-Nov-13 21:50:59

He may well be having a breakdown, but remember it is of his doing - not yours.

I think most of us would show kindness to a person who was in distress, and you sound like a lovely kind person. My friend uses the phrase "killing someone with kindness", to describe a relationship she had with a colleague who didn't take to her. She felt she could stew over it and let it poison her, but she decided to remain kind - which did her colleague's head in. It put my friend in a position of strength, and totally wrong-footed the colleague.

If being kind to your h works for you, then great. You're not a game player by the sounds of things. But make sure every time that you look after yourself and your ds, and put your needs and wants above your h's.

Your work situation sounds tricky, and i think the advice to contact ACAS is sound. I'm not sure your boss can impose those conditions, especially if you've been signed off by a doctor. Do you have someone in HR who could advise? I tend to view HR with suspicion in my workplace, so ordinarily they wouldn't be my first port of call. However, if there's someone you can have an informal conversation with, please do.

You are still doing well, What. I hope work improves for you, do you have colleagues you can lean on?

cloudskitchen Tue 05-Nov-13 21:53:06

You sound like a very kind and together person. I'm not sure your H deserves your kindness to be honest but you have to be true to yourself. Your H is clearly realising that the grass isn't greener after all.

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 21:57:36

Thank you. I have some colleagues who are also very close friends but I moved teams at the beginning of the year and my whole team seems to thrive on gossip. I just keep out f it. Everyone is so stressed and I suppose for 2 weeks I was able to totally switch off and focus on getting a little better.

I will keep notes of what has happened.

I know people are so wrapped up in their own lives but I forgot how much people talk about their DHs at work and it got me down.

My H appears to be falling apart. If he knew this would happen, would he have done what he has? I don't even know if he's still with OW as he seems to be spending most of his time with his parents. If he's having a breakdown then it's because of what he's done but it makes me sad.

Thank you for your kind words about me.

Hey What I'm so glad I found this thread! I've been wondering what you'd been up to & I hoped you wouldn't just disappear.

Your boss does sound like a bitch. As others have said, note down what she says & then just try & do the best you can & just keep your head down.

As for your h, guilt has obviously taken its toll on him mentally & physically. Good! It sounds like you are driving yourself crazy though with your mind going over & over what's happened & trying to figure out why he did what he did. I don't think you will ever get answers to the millions of questions that you have in your head. He did what he did because he's a fricking idiot. You have behaved impeccably & I believe that karma is making him suffer right now.

Incidentally, has there been any contact between you since that email on sat night?

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 22:24:46

I agree, and he has told me I'll never get the answers I need, I suppose he doesn't know either.

I emailed him back, told him I am moving on as I know he's not the man I fell in love with. He told me it upset him deeply that I believed members of his family who told me he had been rubbishing our marriage when he said to them that leaving me was well overdue, he said it's just not true. I said that they have no reason to lie to me and he is the only one who has lied to me. He said he was upset that I didn't believe him. I then told him to arrange to collect the rest of his things, especially his clothes as I didn't want them here any longer than necessary. My email was strong and factual. He knows he's getting a letter from my solicitor soon.

He told his DB he is very fragile at the moment. That's what I don't get, he was an absolutely gorgeous looking man but he looks so terrible. I don't know why - can guilt do that to you? He hasn't even said sorry and cries a lot to everyone, I don't expect he's functioning at work. He got what he wanted, he says he deserves a divorce but sadly, I don't want to push him over the edge.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 05-Nov-13 22:26:33

Glad you started this, I know you have come a long way in a couple of weeks I was worried that perhaps you had a setback after being so strong despite his odd behavour on the weekend.

I know its hard after being together for so long but its up to him to sort out the mess he has made of his life. He has been horribly unkind so be careful about giving any more chances to hurt you if you soften towards him.

Are you still in contact with his db?

Whether you file for divorce or not, make sure that whatever you do (or don't do) is because it's for your sake & not because you don't want him upset further. The ball is in your court, please don't consider his feelings as he has certainly not considered yours in all of this.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 05-Nov-13 22:39:59

My gut feeling on this is he is depressed, men often dont deal with grief well and I suspect he needs counselling to cope with your loss. Only he can sort that though - from what I have heard some men deal with problems (sick child/sick wife) by escaping them with an affair.

Why would be be surprised you believe what you have been told - it would be nice to think it was untrue but he has hardly acted honourably or with consideration for your feelings.

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 05-Nov-13 22:42:15

Hi What - glad you have started a new thread. You are doing so well. I still think your H is following the script. Mine spent mths crying and threatening to jump off various cliffs etc. For my H it was just the guilt I'm sure. I did find by going non contact with him it made it easier for me. But going non contact did take me a l

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 05-Nov-13 22:43:24

Long time!

Keep being positive and look after yourself and that lovely son of yours.

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 22:45:34

I know you're both right, I have 4 months left to make my decision on divorce under adultery and I will use that time.

Bluesky - he is in total denial and even detaches it by saying he's not having an affair because he's not with me anymore. He says he is in a relationship. He tells everybody it's not an affair which hurts me more.

I agree with you that he has escaped the reality of the traumas by doing this and I really don't think he believed his actions would be so painful. Part of his justification was that 52% of marriages end in divorce so why should we be different? Because we were close and inseparable and had a closeness that most married couples have - that's why we should have been different!

It's so sad. I think I'm moving on a bit then I fall apart again.

He is having an affair because you are still married.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 05-Nov-13 22:57:30

You thought he was a kind decent man and it turns out he is weak and selfish - his justifications are irrelevant if he were the person he likes to think he is he would not be able to sleep at night for hurting you so badly. I know you are kind hearted but you dont have to listen to his bleating and justifications - they will only make you feel worse.

For a while to come it will be ups and downs for you, just take each hour and day at a time - one day you will suddenly realise that you have gone an hour, then a morning, then a day without thinking about him....I know its sad but its necessary. You have survived much worse than this, you will get there - look at how far you have come in such a short time.

redundantandbitter Tue 05-Nov-13 23:02:58

It must be hard to see him look rubbish and upset... But he hasn't shown you any tenderness or kindness . He wasn't exactly understanding when you rang him late at night.. So, upsetting as it is, it's his own doing. You are On Medication, been off work and been supported on here. It's up to him
To get the help he needs and address his own feelings and actions. Only he can help himself now. You save your loveliness for you and your DS

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 05-Nov-13 23:04:21

Your marriage ended because he had started an emotional affair with someone else, most people would view that as pretty shitty behaviour.

Oh and your manager sounds like an arse, glad I dont have to deal with all that corporate b.s. any more grin

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:19:28

Yes, my manager is an arse!! I will remember that tomorrow.

You are right, he has shown me no kindness, it's just my nature to show compassion regardless.

My DM said she thought she lost me a few weeks ago and let his own M worry about him now, my DM sometimes says the wrong things but she's right this time. I said I wanted him to feel some pain and now I suppose I feel guilty for that.

cjel Tue 05-Nov-13 23:20:30

Hello WHAT> I'm glad I found you again. I think its right that they have the 'breakdown' and thats what causes them to run away from one life to another, my dh also still looks crap and it breaks my heart but we can't let ourselves keep trying to help them as we only get ourselves down while trying. you have gone so far along without him. try to keep your mind off how he is and don't find out too much about what he has or hasn't said to other people.
That woman at work sound awful. my dsis had breast cancer and had to have corrective reconstruction as the first hadn't worked. HR woman called her in and she was hoping it would be to say glad your back hope your ok, buit was to tell her she could have no more time of in that year or they would 'take action'!!!

Hope you get peaceful sleep tonightxx

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:25:08

cjel - that's awful. I expected a 'welcome back' and rundown of work since I had been off but nothing except gossip and corporate threats. My work had all been left so now I have to do longer hours to clear the backlog of 2 weeks - must note that down too.

So it's normal for them to look a state and go through that after they have betrayed you then?

Looksgoodingravy Tue 05-Nov-13 23:54:21

Silent supporter here too thanks

It's only natural that you feel this way about your h well being at the moment. You've had many years together and it just shows what an amazing person you are.

You are taking tiny steps through that fog, you sound stronger than you did, keep taking those baby steps and allow yourself this time to know that you will feel different everyday, this is all ok and it's part of the healing process.

I've been in that fog like existence and come through the other side and you will too.

Surround yourself with RL support and take deep breaths when you're at work, only hope this woman never has to walk in your shoes, she sounds vile!

Whatnext074 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:59:27

Thank you looksgood. It's always comforting to know that people have come through this terrible time. Still so unbelievable when I say my H has left me for OW. Things you never thought you'd say....

BlatantRedhead Wed 06-Nov-13 00:09:43

I lurked on your first thread as I don't really have much advice to give about your situation but I just want to say that you're doing really well What, even if you don't think you are. I'm cheering you on quietly from the sidelines.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 06-Nov-13 00:13:44

Very true.

What you are feeling now is similar to a bereavement and you will have all the same emotions.

It's so difficult to comprehend in the beginning how someone who you would lean on in a crisis is the person to have actually caused it. Takes your breath away. Utterly devastating and I feel so much for you at the moment and can totally understand the way you are feeling.

Just remember to allow yourself time and most of all be kind to yourself.


Just a thought but seeing as your boss is officially an arse wink & it sounds like you don't particularly enjoy your job or like the people there, is there any chance of you making tentative steps to look for a new job??

I know you have the world on your shoulders right now but a new job might just be a spring board for a new you & you could start again with nobody knowing that you've been through such awful time.

I always say there are three parts of your life; home, work & relationship. You can deal with one part being shitty but if two or more become problematic at the same time then it's very hard to see a way out.

Like I say, it's just a thought, tell me to bugger off if you like!

Whatnext074 Wed 06-Nov-13 06:52:51

I had been trying to get another job since the beginning of the year sadly without any luck. My H said after he left that put pressure on our marriage too - he knew everything at me!

I had one more interview after he left but I think this year I just haven't been in the right frame of mind to do my best in an interview. I know that I really need another job and hopefully next year, that will happen as it will really help me.

littlesunbeams - you are very perceptive. I totally agree with the nobody will know I have been through an awful time too.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 06-Nov-13 07:25:07

Morning what...

Hope you had a good nights sleep...or at least a few good hours.

Really hope today is better for you at work. Your manager is an arse! If she gets to you today just imagine all your MN cheerleaders holding up placards with "you are an arse" written on them...that will make you smile!

It is normal in my experience for them to look like shit and cry after betrayal...can you imagine how shitty it feels to know that pretty e regime in your 'old' life thinks you're a scum bag?? They're crying for themselves and IMO they look like shit because of the guilt...

Have a good day...deep breathes and remember the placards above her head!!!!! smile

mammadiggingdeep Wed 06-Nov-13 07:25:46

* pretty much everyone....

Whatnext074 Wed 06-Nov-13 07:37:13

Thanks mamma. I thought I'd feel better that he looks terrible but it's really confusing me. It makes me wonder if he regrets what he's done, I would just like some remorse shown for me and our marriage rather than feeling that it's for him feeling sorry for him.

If he's such a state then surely OW wouldn't put up with that so early on? I know I'm torturing myself again and I thought it would be easier than seeing him looking great and moving on but his words don't seem to fit with his actions/appearance.

I just want him to say sorry to me for all the hurt he's caused.

Slept for 5 hours, better than usual x

captainmummy Wed 06-Nov-13 08:43:57

Hi what - found you!

Re the work/sick thing - I'm pretty sure they cannot do anything if you have sick time off. The fact that you've been off for 2 weeks is irrelevant - you've been signed off by a doctor, you have the right not to go in! If it happens again - you have the right to be signed off, and protect your job. It is your basic right. So dont worry about that. (My NDN has been off since march, sick. My sis is long-term sick - im talking years)

MissScatterbrain Wed 06-Nov-13 08:51:55

You need to stop trying to understand what is going on in his head and start to focus on YOU.

He is not thinking about what you are going through - you have been betrayed in one of the worst ways possible, had to take time off work, is on meds etc. None of this is your fault - what he is going through, he brought it on himself.

I agree he is simply following the script - that way he does not look like the bad guy and he gets to gain sympathy and attention.

I agree your boss is an arse and to keep a diary.

cjel Wed 06-Nov-13 09:56:24

It may or may not be relevant that he is regretting what he has done, I think unless they are robots there must be parts of your life together that he misses. I would also urge that you try really really hard not to dwell on it either way. Its true what people say that you can not change someone else only yourself, although its hard to break the habit of a lifetime of caring for them. as long as you can reduce your feelings so you care but realise its nothing to do with you anymore I think thats ok.
2 years on I care but no longer have the need to sort it out if that makes sense?
I have to email him for the first contact in over 6 months and have put it off for 2 days because I don't want the hassle I get everytime I do.He hasn't even signed settlement agreement and so legally can still come after my assets!Part of me still wants to trust that he wouldn't and I am 'safe' but then I think what he has done over the last 2 years and I wouldn't have thought he'd have done those either - Hey Ho!!
Hope you have a good day at work and manage to make a dent in the pule of work you have to do.xx

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 06-Nov-13 10:11:12

No one forced him to make these hurtful decisions did they? Gut feeling he is crying for himself if you feel that sympathy creeping in deep breath count to 10, think about what you need to do for you to be happy (did he show you consideration and sympathy when you called him in the night?)

Will the other relationship or career be going well if he is that much of a mess, is the "sharing grief" a solid basis for a long term relationship - I suspect not.

Giving you a talking to after you have been signed off is treading on extremely dodgy ground legally and its a sign of how much of an emotionally stunted unprofessional f*ckwit she is not to know this. Employers have ended up in court over behaviour like this. A diary is a great idea if you are up to it.

Cenicienta Wed 06-Nov-13 11:37:39

Could it be he is in this state because things aren't going well with OW?

Maybe it is her he is pining for at the moment.

You'll probably never know what's going on in his head.

Focus on you and your future! You're doing so well!

springylippy Thu 07-Nov-13 01:12:25

I agree that he's crying for himself. Hes done a shitty, shitty thing and the bottom line is that he feels sorry for himself. He wants to look like a good guy - and what he's doe isnt the actions or behaviour of a good guy. So he weeps and looks haggard to show hes a good guy underneath. Poor, poor him hmm

P-l-e-a-s-e dont feel sorry for him.

Incensed to hear that he's 'upset' that you believe your family's account of what he's been saying. How dare he. He has repeatedly lied to you and now calls your integrity into question angry

So glad I've found you at last! Ive been searching for you! Im so glad youre posting again.

Your boss sounds like that woman boss in Bridget Jones. I agree that telling you confidential stuff about another employee is a big no-no. Also comparing your hideous situation to hers and that youre 'lucky'. Silly cow. I do sincerely hope this bites her on the bum and it is she who gets into hot water over this, which she should do.

Whatnext074 Thu 07-Nov-13 08:05:41

Could it be he is in this state because things aren't going well with OW?

Maybe it is her he is pining for at the moment

I never thought of it that way, I know it's doing me no good at the moment to be wondering why he's such a mess right now but I can't help it, I really hope that isn't the case.

Trying not to contact him, it's his birthday today - need to be strong.

captainmummy Thu 07-Nov-13 08:33:08

Please stop feeling sorry for him what. If he is in this state and pining, who's fault is that? Well, not yours. It's his and his alone. And as springy says, he spent no time at all thinking about you and your state, when you were at your lowest.

It's his birthday? Be strong. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't phone/text/think about you on yours.

He's made his bed. He must lie in it

cjel Thu 07-Nov-13 09:31:41

Morning What, Hope you can feel a bit brighter today. This will be the worst birthday of his you have to get through, one more tough day passed. I found that although it is a struggle distraction really does help on days like this, if you are otherwise occupied you can pass time and then its bedtime and you can cry yourself to sleep if you have to .

You are heading the right way and hopefully you will be finding by now it isn't in your head 24hours a day and you are getting times when you think of other things.

springylippy Thu 07-Nov-13 09:44:21

How revolting that he's saying it isn't an affair but a relationship as you and he are finished. re-writing history a bit there hmm

So mr good guy doesnt like the look of himself leaving his wife suddenly, to whom he was devoted till death do us part, and getting together with another woman. So he re-jigs it to make it look honourable.

We all know it wasnt, isn't and never will be honourable and kosher and all above board. It wasn't above board and never was (and never will be).

Hold on darling. Don't contact him. He has been unbelievably cold and cruel towards you. You dont need to wish him a HB.

OrmirianResurgam Thu 07-Nov-13 09:48:39

Hi What - if he is having a breakdown I'd bet any money that the affair and the leaving is a symptom of it not the cause. You stated that you have both had a traumatic time - people don't always deal with that in straightforward ways. But he has chosen his coping strategies and it isn't your fault that they are utterly toxic and destructive to him and everyone around him.

You don't have to stop caring about him you just have to care about yourself first and foremost xx

BlueSkySunnyDay Thu 07-Nov-13 11:40:33

I know it will be a massive struggle but try not to contact him on his birthday - it will be horrendously difficult I know

If he contacts you today try not to acknowledge its his birthday, its not the end of the world if you do but long term you would be glad that you didnt acknowledge it as it will continue to underline that you are getting stronger and moving on without him.

I agree with Omirion his horrendous behaviour is most likely a symptom of him not coping emotionally rather than the cause of the breakdown. As you have been so close to the edge you cant worry about him you have to cope on making yourself stronger. Your son needs you, even if he is an adult, I was seriously worried you were going to harm yourself the first night I saw your last thread.

Whatnext074 Thu 07-Nov-13 12:53:44

Hold on darling. Don't contact him - I'm going to remember these words today x

OrmirianResurgam - I agree with what you say totally.

bluesky - Sadly I didn't think i'd make it through the night (and some nights after). I hope that I never get to that stage again, you're right, my son does need me. When I saw how upset he was last Friday, it reminded me how much he depends on me.

A friend at work has just commented that my eyes look sparkly, that made me smile as when I have looked in the mirror all I've seen is dullness in my eyes.

Please please please don't contact him!!!

skyeskyeskye Thu 07-Nov-13 14:26:11

what it may not be an affair now, as yes you are separated, but it was an affair while you were together! The bloke is just twisting words to make himself look and feel better. Ignore it!

Ignore his birthday too. It is hard though, I know. XH had a birthday a few weeks after leaving and it was so odd, not to give him a card.

I honestly believed that my XH was having a breakdown, because who the hell just walks out with no warning?! None of it made sense, until I came onto MN for help and as soon as I mentioned the thousands of texts to his mates wife, they all called OW. I tried so hard to see the best in it, because I simply could not believe that he would do that to me.

A mental breakdown due to stress, seems the only logical conclusion when they behave so out of character. But then when you come on MN and hear other people's stories and realise that they usually follow a very similar pattern, it becomes clear that as soon as they get infatuated with OW, they do change beyond recognition.

You have come so far, since your first cry for help post, which touched so many people on here. Well done and keep on keeping on.

elastamum Thu 07-Nov-13 14:33:53

Another one here delurking to say dont feel sorry for him. He is the architect of his future.

He is probably realialising that the grass isnt quite as green as he thought it was and is surprised by how unsettled and stressed he feels. Going from an affair straight into living with someone is not a healthy way to start a relationship. He will be uncomfortable being judged by friends and family and is now trying to get people to feel sorry for him.

Tough Shit. Best to ignore him -go no contact, apart from the odd solicitors letter - you cannot build a new life until you let go of the old, you are getting there, it is a long road of ups and downs, but eventually the sun will come out for you. smile

Stupidhead Thu 07-Nov-13 15:13:36

I've nothing more to add than it does and will get easier. The lows you've already hit are the lowest you will ever go. Just learn to cope hour by hour. Hugs x

redundantandbitter Thu 07-Nov-13 15:18:02

How was work today ? X

Whatnext074 Thu 07-Nov-13 17:44:40

I made it through the day, thought of him a lot, wondering what he was doing, whether he'd gone away or whatever as I know he took the week off work. I haven't contacted him and will keep busy tonight so I don't. I was so close to texting 'HB x' and the need to do it has been overwhelming at times but I just imagined him reading it then deleting it.

He will be getting a letter from my solicitor in a couple of days, how awful am I that I am actually worried about pushing him over the edge if he is having a breakdown?! I know he put the phone down on me that Saturday when I was desperate but I can't help it and don't want to cause him distress - I'm not a bad person. He has hurt me so much. I would have helped him but he discarded me and yet I feel bad - what's that about?

Stupidhead Thu 07-Nov-13 17:52:21

Whatnext, please stop thinking about 'poor' him. My ex bf dumped me, tells everyone I'm amazing and how much he still loves me but wants to be alone. He looks terrible and sad all the time to me, he looks sad and pathetic to his mam. His stepdad saw him in the pub laughing and joking like he always was. I think him being the way he is with you is to offload his guilt so you can feel a little bit sorry for him. So don't smile x

MissScatterbrain Thu 07-Nov-13 17:57:28

You feel bad because you are a decent loving and caring person and cannot just turn off all feelings. This is why we recommend faking it til you make it when it comes to detaching yourself.

The best thing you can do at this stage is to remember he is NOT the man you thought he was, he does NOT care enough about your feelings and does NOT deserve your kindness.

Focus on yourself.

skyeskyeskye Thu 07-Nov-13 17:58:12

You feel bad because you have compassion and because you are only human.

What you need to remember is the lack of compassion that he showed to you.

Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that you have been thinking of him on his birthday. Sit on your hands and hide that mobile!

Whatnext074 Thu 07-Nov-13 18:12:01

Yes - he's not the man I love anymore and I have to keep remembering that if I met him now, I probably wouldn't look twice at him. I need to remember that.

I saw my GP tonight and he said he is proud of me and I am a strong, lovely person. He said I will have up days and down days but I will be like a phoenix - made me smile as a few on here suggested I change my name to phoenixrising. Then he prescribed me more pills.......

skyeskyeskye Thu 07-Nov-13 18:15:11

I had to change the name of my business as it had my married name in it and I didn't want to use that after my divorce. I have used the word phoenix in my business name now smile

You are very strong and you are doing so well. Yes you will be up and down, but gradually the ups will be more and the downs will be less and you will be "normal" again

BlueSkySunnyDay Thu 07-Nov-13 18:40:55

Agree with miss scatterbrain "fake it, till you make it" grin

If you start to feel sympathy and worry about him....literally push the thoughts out of your head and replace them with something else - eventually it will become second nature. I'm saying this as i'm someone who is a brooder - I can get stressed over thoughtless comments I made a decade ago, I have had to use this as a way of getting myself over it and moving on.

cjel Thu 07-Nov-13 18:46:44

That GP sounds spooky WHAT Do you think he is aMNer?smile

springytick Thu 07-Nov-13 19:06:59

I think him being the way he is with you is to offload his guilt so you can feel ... sorry for him

I sooo agree with this. I took out 'a little bit' from Stupidhead's post because I think he's milking it.

What ever is going on with him is not your concern any more. He made his choice (and couldn't have been more cruel). The consequences are his business.

I was reading something the other day in a broadsheet somewhere (good with my sources, me..) and some famous bloke (...) was saying how 'all men like to think they can reinvent themselves and shake off the old and established in a moment'. I had to read it twice because I couldnt believe what I was reading shame I didn't take the time to find out who said it

I thought of you. And skye. It accounts for your bloke's ridiculous reinvention, skye. The new clothes, the funky persona.

You have to laugh or you'd cry. What prize IDIOTS.

Whatnext074 Thu 07-Nov-13 19:07:03

I said that to a friend of mine today that I was faking it until I made it, that's when she said I can't fake the sparkle that is in my eyes today (maybe a few tears made that as I was surrounded by people talking about their Christmas plans).

I doubt he's a MNer - oh, made me wonder now.....maybe that's why he seems so tuned into how I'm feeling!

mammadiggingdeep Thu 07-Nov-13 19:07:09

Cjel...just wondered he a time whatnext, look behind the desk and see if he's wearing gold hot pants!!!!

Glad you haven't text him whatnext. Just imagine the shit feeling if you didn't hear a reply. It even worse if he puts back 'thanks'. Then what? There's no point to it...I know how frustrating it is though.

Do you have plans this weekend?

Hey...just thought of another new name...the return of sparkly eyes...or sparkly eye returns?? Glad you're getting your sparkle back. What's that saying?? You can't keep a good girl down....

Hugs and a high five for another day done and closer to your happiness....

Whatnext074 Thu 07-Nov-13 19:20:10

Thanks mamma - I'm going to see my BIL and SIL (H's DB). They've just had a baby and are appalled at the way we've been treated. Looking forward to seeing them.

My H saw them this week and didn't say a thing at all, just sat there and looked a mess to them too but they (sadly) have no time for him. He has lost so much. My BIL said he'll always be there for me and DS.

skyeskyeskye Thu 07-Nov-13 19:20:25

Because DD is only 5, I do have to acknowledge XH's birthday for her as she is too young to do it herself, so I got her to make a card so I don't have to buy one. Then I bought some sweets in a tube reduced to 82p and left the price tag on and she gave them to him grin

My mum said that I was being mean..... grin

springytick Thu 07-Nov-13 19:36:51

Appropriate, I would've thought, skye.

... just sat there and looked a mess to them too but they (gladly) have no time for him


AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 07-Nov-13 20:03:36

Delurking...I had finally finished reading your other thread, whatnext, when it ran out, so glad you have another one started.

I agree with the advice everyone has given, keep going, and try not to look back. It is hard, I know, and very easy to say. But looking back will serve no good purpose, so I hope you can perhaps put it in a category of a "bad habit" and try to break it with a healthy new habit....maybe a hundred new ways to cook a pasta dish wink.

The only other thing I can think of that has not been mentioned is that you need to be careful with alcohol consumption while you are on ADs. It will seem a paradox, that at the time when a nice glass would be exactly what you want/need, however it really will intensify your emotions and that may be part of what you experienced last Saturday night.

Take care and hug your son. I have a 20 yo son who is very kind and caring too, they are just (words fail) special.

Whatnext074 Thu 07-Nov-13 20:15:15

springytick - It is so very sad but I am glad they still want to keep in touch with me and don't want to be middle men. It will be had for me to hold a baby s it might bring back so many memories for my lost ones but I am truly happy for them. It helps that they are supportive of me and DS as none of the rest of his family have mentioned my DS in all this.

band - [congratulations on finishing my other thread, it was a bit long] I need to read it again to remind myself of how far I've come, I started a couple of days ago but couldn't bear it but I know I have had the most helpful advice.

I know that drinking really made me feel down on Saturday. My friend actually said that she preferred that I was able to cry so much and getting a little drunk in a safe environment with people who cared about me was a good thing. She said she would be more worried if I held my emotions in. I felt awful the next day so won't be doing that for a while. Haven't done it for years! Although one of my friends has been avoiding me since but I can't worry about that too on top of everything else.

redundantandbitter Thu 07-Nov-13 20:28:57

Hi Phoenix! You're GP sounds like a very understanding guy! Is he single???

Well done for not texting HB, I know all too well how hard it is not to. But it's best to plod on with your evening just like any other.

It's good that his Brother is still in touch with you and supportive . Sounds like he's not swallowing your h's crap excuses reasons for leaving.

skye my birthday is a few days after Father's Day. I sent my DDs to their dads for the weekend armed with a present and two cards. They came back and were both a bit put out when, on my birthday morning, they realised he hadn't bothered to give them something to give me. They are only 4 and 8. They made me lots of ad hoc cards. When they spoke about it he says he'd forgotten. We were living together for 17 yrs !!!

Hope you are ok this evening, thinking of you. Post on here when you need x

Whatnext074 Thu 07-Nov-13 20:38:52

He doesn't wear a wedding ring but, he knows too much about me...

Lol at your gp knowing too much about you!! grin

Glad you are still in touch with h's db. I'm sure he'll tell you how twuntishly his b is acting which will make you feel lots better.

Are you still aching for a baby? I ask as someone who has lost three babies & my overriding instinct each time was to get & stay pregnant. I had my ds who is 17 months old when I was nearly 43. There is a whole new world out there for you What, when you are ready.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 08-Nov-13 06:37:33

Morning whatnext...

I second what mummy says...a whole world waiting for you once you've found your feet.

Glad you have some nice plans at weekend and SO pleased his bro and sis in law have said that they'll be there for you- so important.

I hope work has been bearable- one more day to get least at the weekend you can rest a bit more and have some down time.

Hope you have a good day...

Whatnext074 Fri 08-Nov-13 07:28:01

Thank you x

Got through yesterday, bad night but I didn't give in and contact.

springytick Fri 08-Nov-13 08:12:53

Well done! smile flowers

Sorry you had a bad night and hope you're ok at work today. Week-end coming (repeating what mamma said) xx

cjel Fri 08-Nov-13 08:30:01

Morning, Sorry night was bad - at least the day has gone now!! Its unsettling having contact, I've heard about what hes been up to a few times this week and its a strange feelingx

You have a lovely weekend to look forward to and only a few hours toget through before itflowers

captainmummy Fri 08-Nov-13 08:46:47

Hi whatphoenixnext - glad you got through the day. The next birthday willnot be half as bad. It's always the first high-days/holidays that are the worse. Birthdays, christmas, mothers day, anniversary - get through the first year and it's easier after that. Not saying it's going to take a year - but it will get easier!

Have a lovely weekend!

redundantandbitter Fri 08-Nov-13 10:00:28

Hi what. Phew - the birthday has passed and bloody well done for not contacting. I know how very very hard it was for you to NOT to say happy birthday. It goes against your nature which is thoughtful and kind. I hate it when people say this to me .. But it's true... It's his loss. i bet you any money it was his worst birthday ever.

Friday today - tonight you can rest and hopefully sleep better. X

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 08-Nov-13 16:00:30

Well done thanks.

Get lots of things planned for the weekend even if it is going to the library and getting a manicure. Perhaps watch a couple of DVDs that you have wanted to watch. I'm meeting a friend for afternoon tea tomorrow which is something I've never done before. X

DotCottonsHairnet Fri 08-Nov-13 17:27:33

Well done for getting through the birthday with no contact smile

We were in mid split when it was my exs birthday and I did all the usual stuff. When it came to mine a few months later I got a card/pressie.

As others have said all the big stuff is hard - I went away for what would have been our wedding anniversary.

Christmas is still at the planning stage but it will be different and just me and my two. He has decided to spent his with OW rather than his children - they over heard the conversation and now know where they feature in his priorities sad

Have a good weekend with you family - glad they are sticking by you - after all you've done nothing wrong xx

RantinEminor Fri 08-Nov-13 19:36:15

Hi What. I posted on the other thread as Susanalbumparty.

You sound like you are moving in the right direction and I wish you lots of strength.

With regard to returning to work, I am sorry your manager is being such a dork. They should be supportive and I think that only taking two weeks (considering how down you were) was pretty impressive. I hope things look up on the work front but if you think they are being unreasonable pop over to the employment issues board here on mumsnet. There is some good advice over there.

Whatnext074 Fri 08-Nov-13 21:52:15

Thank you for the advice rantin, I might do that. Think being back at work this week has really got me down again. I know I need a new job but need to make sure I'm in the right frame of mind first. I can't take the nastiness and gossip.

I've been so sad, difficult week with the birthday and also he will be getting my solicitor letter tomorrow - I know he won't contact me but it's all very real now.

Also, there are so many little things going wrong in the house that I don't know how to fix as he always did them, it's just getting me down.

I can't bear to think about Christmas but everybody seems to mention it every day now, if it wasn't for my DS, I'd just stay in bed until it was over. We always made it so special together.

I can't stop wondering how he is and what he's doing and I know it's not helping me at all. I've tried distractions but it's always there.

I'm looking forward to seeing BIL and SIL but hope that it doesn't set me back. They don't want to talk about H but his DB does look like him.

cjel Fri 08-Nov-13 21:59:38

I'm sorry that you are having a tough week, I would say don't give up on the distractions- some work and some don't , but they do pass the time and it really will get less painful. Hope you have a good time with B and sil, I used to see one of my SILs but found out she was friends with me and OW so I don't see her so much now. I used to like seeing her but felt so confused afterwards. Its hard isn't it. Accept that this christmas won't be your best and try thinking of one thing at a time as far as the house things go. How many of hem really need doing now and how many could you leave - that sort of thing.
Hope you have a good nightxx

mammadiggingdeep Sat 09-Nov-13 08:54:02

Morning whatnext...

Hope you got some sleep...

Last Xmas was the lead up to my split with ex. Things were awful, he was treating me so badly. I was dreading Xmas and spoke to my sis about it. Her advice was what I'd say to you too. Keep it in perspective- it really is just 2 days with one special dinner. It doesn't have to be anything amazing, don't put pressure in yourself. Do you have an idea of what you want to do? Could you chill out with ds and then go to family for dinner, returning in evening? Boxing Day you could do something different- go to a show, the sales, out to a pub and a walk...just keep it low key.

Whatever you do it will help if you just think of it as just 2 days off of work. I know it's hard though my lovely- I had trouble getting through the summer bank holidays this year. Had a meltdown in the park seeing other families with their daddies with them. Am ready for our first Xmas just me and my dd's though...

Hope you are feeling ok this morning and that you have good day

springytick Sat 09-Nov-13 09:07:26

I volunteer at a homeless shelter over christmas - I look forward to it every year, it really is the best and I always have a fabulous time: I really enjoy it. yy I know it's not all about me but it's a win/win for all concerned. I hate to say it but it does put things into perspective, too, iyswim: we have a lot to be grateful for, despite our circs. I meet some amazing people - clients, staff and volunteers. Perhaps you and your boy could do that? Even if you do a few shifts it gives you a focus.

re the stuff going wrong in the house. I know what you mean about the panic when things go wrong, especially if you don't have much money. I've become a DIY fiend - most things are dead easy to sort out. Google the problem or ask at your nearest DIY shop, who are always happy to give suggestions ime. Even B&Q are helpful if you can get there. Is your boy 'handy'?

What, libraries do manicures these days? Wow!! grin

redundantandbitter Sat 09-Nov-13 10:01:08

Hi what sorry it's an up and down week. You have done so well, ESP his birthday. Yes, Xmas is coming but now's your chance to do something different if you fancy ..or just have a very quiet time in pyjamas with the TV and chocs. No will will know what you do. You and your ds could ho visit someone on Boxing Day? It will be hard. Last Xmas day was the first Xmas my exp managed to make it to my house. It wasn't till 11pm as he had to work but he made it ... Just. So I be alone too. What are you up to today hun?

redundantandbitter Sat 09-Nov-13 10:27:38

what tons of things went wrong in my
House the minute the DDs dad moved out. Burst water pipe in bathroom
In middle of night, wrecked my lighting etc. things kept breaking. It was horrible. I just did one thing at a time. Asked friends for plumbers ,electricians, builders etc. it was painfully slow but you can do anything you know. It's not as hard as you think. You sound clever and organised - one thing at a time. X

BlueSkySunnyDay Sat 09-Nov-13 10:42:35

This week was going to be difficult but you did well in the face of adversity didnt you?

I hope things go well for you this weekend.

You tube is a godsend when it comes to small DIY jobs - to be honest a lot of them could be done by a trained monkey its just having the confidence to do them.

It always drove me crazy that if my brother needed something done my Dad showed him how but if I did he did it for me. I wanted to be able to do things for myself (obviously I leave electrics and plumbing well alone) Now Im married to a tradesman so he never gets round to anything at home - I have my own pink toolbag, so he doesnt nick my tools, and quite often get my hammer out grin I also kept putting a bradawl on my Christmas and birthday one would buy me one so I bought it myself in the end wink

redundantandbitter Sat 09-Nov-13 11:11:19

Ikea do a little box of tools. It's been all
I need so far. I know where it is, organised Allen (?) keys and glue etc and made sense of the shit tip my kids dad left in the cellar. I learnt how to turn stop cocks off and top up the pressure in the boiler.

I found a female plumber to replace my shower and even had an engineer chat me up one day! (Though exp was still my DP at the time). ITs liberating - honestly. Small steps hun

Whatnext074 Sat 09-Nov-13 12:17:33

springytick - I like the idea of volunteering over the 'C' break, have always considered it in the past. I think I'll look into that.

bluesky - I need a pink tool bag. My H has left all his tools here, he had absolutely everything you can imagine and about 5 huge tool boxes but I don't know what any of them do and don't want to go through them.

Some of the things that have gone wrong need a tradesman to fix but I'm trying to put that off due to cost at the moment. Also, I don't want to be in this house so the least I can do, the better.

My H should have got my solicitor letter by now, am trying to keep myself occupied today to stop myself wondering what his reaction / next move will be.

redundantandbitter Sat 09-Nov-13 12:47:34

Ok, don't be anxious about the letter. You can't manage how he reacts but he may but have even opened it yet. If he contacts you don't respond immediately. Wait overnight and contact your solicitor next week if necc.

I can't believe he left all his tools behind.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 09-Nov-13 12:48:21

Be prepared that he won't contact you regarding the letter, you may just hear from his sol now.

Yes yesto the pink tool'll match your pink laptop smile

Whatnext074 Sat 09-Nov-13 13:06:48

I know he won't contact me, he'll go through a solicitor. One of the questions that was asked was whether he intends to move in with OW, makes a difference to a settlement. I suppose that's the answer I'm dreading getting.

BlueSkySunnyDay Sat 09-Nov-13 14:38:48

I dont even like pink - it was mainly to stop DH putting them in his van grin I cant say ive needed anything that wasnt in this

I would imagine his solicitor would advise him to say he is not moving in with OW - of course you cant trust much that he says, just keep taking one day at a time.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 09-Nov-13 15:48:14

Bluesky...every woman should have one! Love it smile

Yes whatnext, he might say he isn't moving in with her even if he's not. It'll be awful for you each time you get a letter until you become more used to it and until you're more used to this situation.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 09-Nov-13 15:48:35

Even if he is I meant....

Whatnext074 Sat 09-Nov-13 18:15:41

bluesky - I need that, thanks for the link.

I'll never know the truth, it hurts. We were always honest with each other. He's ruined all my trust in people.

He's a stranger but so am I - I don't know who I am anymore and I feel crushed. I'm trying everything but it's a long, hard road to any kind of recovery.

Felt so utterly sad for so long and small things I do help for a short burst of strength but then the feeling goes and I am heartbroken again, I'm sorry x

mammadiggingdeep Sat 09-Nov-13 20:12:59

The short bursts will get longer though whatnext. Promise. Don't apologise for how u feel. You're heartbroken- no apology or justification needed.

I hope in time you'll feel that one person breaking your trust hasn't meant that you've lost your faith in everybody. Think of your lovely ds and lovely db''d trust them wouldn't you? Yes, you're not sure who you are at the'll get yourself back over the weeks and months. Slow and steady won the race.

Hugs to you- hope you're ok this evening.

cjel Sat 09-Nov-13 20:32:02

That sounds horrid WHAT, Its so sad that people can be so cruel to each other isn't it? I don't understand how they can do you?

I can't say it enough times that it gets better, My heart feels broken every few weeks nowsad but the genuine times of laughter and happiness are getting more and more. Hang in there my lovelyxx

Whatnext074 Sat 09-Nov-13 21:22:25

I bought a pink tool kit x

Very emotional, what a mess.

itwillgetbettersoon Sat 09-Nov-13 21:32:37

What - it does get easier but it is still early days. You will cry but it will get less.

A pink tool kit -sounds fab! I'm reluctant to do anything to my house at the moment as I'm not sure if it will have to be sold. But then it isn't a good way to live so infact I might decorate my bedroom this winter - will keep me busy.

Would you consider going somewhere hot for xmascwith your son? Do something completely different?

Whatnext074 Sat 09-Nov-13 21:46:32

Thank you. Can't go anywhere as my new nephew is due next month and need to stay close. I'm not saying that what happened to my precious niece will happen to him but I couldn't go away as I would worry.

My H wants the house on the market in January so I can't really do much in the house, is hard as I'm surrounded by memories and we were so close and valued the weekends together.

I don't want to stay in the house but am stuck at the moment until I decide on what to do about divorce.

redundantandbitter Sat 09-Nov-13 21:54:38

Hi what.. Just checking in. I know you're heart is broken. I guess you have to listen to all the other broken hearted people out there and believe them when they say it gets better.. A little up and a little's a f'ing rocky road, I am sorry he let you down but he didn't deserve you and he's a different person now. You are detaching and it's hard.

You are doing so well just to be honest and post on here, let it out. Tomorrow will be better, you get to see the new baby!

Pink tool kit #envy!

springytick Sun 10-Nov-13 11:24:27

Keep going, lovely. Your son needs you - and, from the sound of it, a lot of people love you.

I like mamma's phrase 'slow and steady won the race'. Some days and times are awful - but they pass. This too shall pass. It really always does.

I don't know if this is any help, but when I'm going through a tough time it helps me if I think of all the many people in the world who are going through the same. I feel compassion for them and a camaraderie, egging us all on.

Keep going, precious. Day (hour, minute, moment) at a time xxx

cjel Sun 10-Nov-13 11:46:57

I rented for 6 months while he left house to rot so I told him I wanted to move back to get it ready and sell. I did and the day before I moved in he started threatening- house on market today or I will do it etc.. I had taken two lodgers with the idea of using their money to spend on repairs.He started saying their 'rubbish' had to be removed from house and if not by certain time he would come and put it on drive!!! It was a nightmare, I spent 5000 doing all the things he should have done over the years - we built it, it was only 8 yrs old but full of settlement cracks etc, the shower leaked so he taped a shower curtain to the walls and didn't clean it for 6 months!!! Had to have shower taken out, retiled and replaced!!!

He can't make you sell your home, I have another friend that has had a court order for 2 years to make her ex sell but he still won't. So don't worry that things will happen that you aren't ready for.

I would advise that you do as much as you can to make the house ready to sell though, I got 100,000 more than agents said it was worth when he left it , on the first viewing on the first day on the market!!!

I didn't go for pink tool kit I bought friends recommended Makita drill driver kit!! Its been the envy of many a workmansmile

Hope today is easier for youxx

BlueSkySunnyDay Sun 10-Nov-13 13:53:00

Yeah DH warbles on about Makita and Ryobi lots hmm I would have lost something like that into his van, it had to be something he definately couldnt take on site. Can imagine the grief he would have suffered if he had turned up with pink tools wink

BlueSkySunnyDay Sun 10-Nov-13 13:59:58

Honestly what I have been on quite a few of these threads over the year, under different names.

Some of my friends felt devastated, discarded and couldnt imagine life without their OH. I told them all the same you may want this man in your life, but you do not need him - sometimes it is better for your wellbeing to let a relationship go.

Every single friend is now in a better place, new men, new jobs, new families - it is wonderful to see how well they are doing - it doesnt happen immediately but you will get there.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 10-Nov-13 19:42:46

Hey what,
How are you doing this evening?


Whatnext074 Sun 10-Nov-13 20:01:46

bluesky - thank you so much, I needed to hear that. I will get there little by little.

Saw my beautiful new niece today, had lots of cuddles with her and my other niece. Really helped to see H's DB too, I thought it would be hard but it helped. They are very supportive. My H saw them earlier this week and didn't say a word, held his niece for a very short time and then sat turned away looking at the wall. His DB hasn't got much time for him but when I said I still think my H is having a breakdown, he said he thinks that too. My H had a week off work and I imagined all kinds of thins like he was going away with OW but he stayed at his parents all week. I don't know what's going on, probably never will but I am worried my letter will send him over the edge. I said before that I wanted him to feel my pain but I don't wish badness for him. I realise he doesn't want my help but I just keep thinking of my vows - I didn't break them and I still stand by them. It's so sad, silly man. If he's having a breakdown, nobody can help unless he wants help.

I realise now that I am stronger than him, I know it's not a game or a competition but I know I will be okay (eventually), I have to be. I don't wish him pain.

springytick Sun 10-Nov-13 20:18:06

I'm really not convinced he is having a breakdown. A storm of some kind, if you like; an 'I'm going to have a completely new life and dump the old one' - which may or may not be a grief reflex - but I really don't think he is having a breakdown. He has seen an opportunity and he has taken it is the way I see it.

I am concerned at your guilt, whatnext. Fear Obligation Guilt (FOG) are often present within a controlling/abusive dynamic. I really don't see what you have to feel guilty about - you were always true, always the same. It is he who has gone over to the dark side. If he has to suffer the consequences of that then so be it.

Your solicitor's letter is to protect you . If it makes him feel bad then that's too bad.

I fear he has got you feeling sorry for him.

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 10-Nov-13 21:02:25

I thought my STBXH was having a breakdown. I made him a GP appointment which he attended after throwing his toys out of the pram. He came back and said that the GP felt that he was stressed but that it was inevitable considering the decisions he had made in such a short time have an affair, leave his wife and children etc etc. GP did not believe he was depressed.

I think this is how your H is. Very stressed and probably full of guilt but not depressed. Anyway being depressed still doesn't excuse the appalling way our Hs treated as after the affairs came to light.

You are strong. Keep taking small steps you are doing wonderfully.

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 21:20:59

So pleased you went to see the new baby and that you were welcomed, as you should be.

Please don't feel so concerned about your h's feelings. He's got OW and his parents to look out for him.

The letter is just one of those things that he's going to have to get used to. Sure he will be sending one to you in response.

You have really struggled to cope over the past couple of months and you've been really strong. You need your energy for you and your lovely DS. I guess you still care deeply about him. It's hard to switch off but don't give him too much of your heart space .

Work tomorrow?

Whatnext074 Sun 10-Nov-13 21:25:36

You're right, it's probably guilt. I have to keep remembering that he hasn't even said sorry to me, he can't even look at me.

I need to look after me x

Yes, work tomorrow - with my arse of a manager!

Whatnext074 Sun 10-Nov-13 21:26:42

I mean guilt on his part, not mine. Same with the pain in his side.

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 21:45:16

His 'pain in his side' is his issue. You said it yourself , he never even said sorry.

You look after you, hopefully you will sleep well and can disassociate from the gossipy types at work tomorrow. You boss been any better?

Whatnext074 Sun 10-Nov-13 21:50:41

No, she's still an arse. I hate working with people who are so unprofessional. Hate gossip, especially when it's hurtful towards others. Never say anything that you wouldn't want to say to someone's face and I always think if they're saying stuff like that to me about somebody then chances are they are saying it to others about me.

He has to reply to the letter within 14 days so I will know a bit better where I stand then.

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 22:06:51

It's a challenge to stay out of the gossip loop but sounds like you are doing a good job. Keep your head above water and keep an eye out for other positions.

Is there any way you can shadow someone in another dept or get a secondment for a while? Breathing space? Just a thought, hope you don't mind me suggesting.

Maybe your boss will leave/disappear/get fired. These things have a habit if happening... Fingers crossed x

Whatnext074 Sun 10-Nov-13 22:10:52

No opportunities at the moment and need to stay in my job for now as my future in my personal life is so uncertain (financially). It is on my list though.

My boss will never leave, earns too much money and has no other skills that anyone would consider beneficial, been there since time began.

I'll just concentrate on getting my day done, this won't be my life forever and I quite like the fact that I sit next to her and now think of her as an arse as someone suggested.

redundantandbitter Sun 10-Nov-13 22:27:57

Same here. Head down. Plod on. Need the money etc.

Something else will come up for you when the time is right, maybe me too, I believe it.

Night what another weekend over x

Zhx3 Sun 10-Nov-13 22:50:22

I'm glad you enjoyed seeing your new niece, and that seeing H's brother was easier than you had anticipated.

Is there anything you can do to switch off for a while, WhatNext? It sounds as if you are going over and over things in your mind (perfectly understandable, btw), and that there is no "breathing space" in your head? It's a shame you can't even lose yourself in your work, because your boss is being difficult.

I was thinking about what you were saying about Christmas - not sure if funds allow, but what about taking ds for a Christmas in a hotel somewhere? You wouldn't need to do any cooking, you'd be away from the familiar environment, which might help with pushing the memories away on the day.

Hope that your week at work goes better than last week - I'll be thinking of you brew.

MistressDeeCee Mon 11-Nov-13 02:17:13

Hey WhatNext - wishing you continued health and strength. Im not surprised at whats happened to your H, to be honest. Just remember whether or not he is having a breakdown, YOUR emotional and physical health is also important and youve had to find the courage to keep going when you were left alone. When he thought he had better than you, he left you and all the love, care and loyalty you stood for as his wife. So, look after yourself and look out for yourself 1st. Its the best way. In a way its to be expected that seeing your H as a broken man would upset you - this is the man you had a relationship with, after all. Just dont forget about you, and the way you've come through a traumatic situation.

Despite all you've been through Ive seen you on other threads, advising others with relationship problems. You're a good person, and whatever happens you deserve good in your life. For people to see you as you are, and appreciate you. As your H has very probably found, the grass isnt always greener and goodhearted, loyal people arent so easy to find. Be good to yourself smile its quite inspirational that you've come on here and talked about your situation step by step. It could be of help to others. Good for you.

Whatnext074 Mon 11-Nov-13 07:29:21

Thank you so much. I slept terribly, couldn't get it all out of my head but then I see your post and it really has given me strength.

skyeskyeskye Mon 11-Nov-13 19:27:05

have been away for a few days and have just caught up. Just keep on keeping on what. There is no other answer. Each day happens whether you want it to or not and nothing changes, so you have to face each day and take it on.

That's what I told myself anyway....... It does get better. Once you get past the initial hurt and confusion. Don't try to make sense of anything , because you never will and you will drive yourself mad trying, I nearly did.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 11-Nov-13 19:34:40

Hey what...

How you doing today? Hope the manager wasn't too much of an arse today. Hope you've managed to be strong and feeling ok.


Whatnext074 Mon 11-Nov-13 22:42:44

​Please help me deal with my guilt

My H contacted me tonight as he got my solicitor letter, he said I didn't need to get solicitors involved as we could have sorted it out between ourselves. I said he wouldn't talk to me when I asked and he said we would talk when it wasn't so emotional. I told him he left me no choice, he has told me to move on and I need to sort out finances in order to do that.

I asked him to stop 'rubbishing' our marriage as I have heard from some members of his family that he is saying leaving me was long overdue - he denies saying this yet he told me tonight that things weren't right between us for about 3 years. He's a good actor then as before he went crazy in June, I never doubted his love for me, we were so close.

He said the OW was just bad timing and even if it wasn't for her, he would have left me as he doesn't love me - as far as I know, he's still with her although he wouldn't answer when I asked, he just said he spends every night on his own. It hurt so much to hear him say her name. He sobbed and sobbed and said it hurts him that I believe what others are saying - even though he said the same to me on the phone tonight. He was crying so much, said he was going to 'f*ck himself up' to end his pain and hung up. This is not language that he uses. I couldn't get hold of him again and eventually I did and he cried and said he wants his pain to end, he can't bear the thought of me thinking he is trashing our marriage. He can't see what he's doing at all!!

I spoke to him calmly, like a child, asking how he was and what he's been up to, he was responsive until he suddenly said, "I'm not a child, don't speak to me like I am".

I asked him what he meant when he said he was going to end his pain and he said he can't take it anymore and I will make him f*uck himself up and end his pain and hung up again.

He text me saying he hasn't said anything bad about our marriage and he can't bear me thinking that. I couldn't hold my anger after him telling me the same and then denying it and told him that I have no respect for him anymore and his justifications for his disgusting behaviour is no concern of mine anymore.

I have just received a text simply saying, I'm sorry.

Thing is, he has never threatened suicide before. He is a broken man, I have never heard him like that before and I am so worried now that I have pushed him over the edge. If he does anything stupid, it's on my head. I haven't replied, what do I do?

myroomisatip Mon 11-Nov-13 22:54:50

I have no experience here, but from MPOV, he has got himself into this situation and I cannot see that you have any responsibility now, well, ever really.

If you are seriously concerned I would contact a family member who he is close to who could possibly help.

And also, IMO, you do need to get solicitors involved. You absolutely have to protect yourself and your situation.

I am sure others will give you much more accurate advice.

myroomisatip Mon 11-Nov-13 22:58:11

Maybe I am cynical, my Ex did not want me to involve solicitors, but I suspect that was because he knew he could manipulate me, oh, and I also had the threats and the attempts. Looking back I can clearly see it as more attempts to manipulate me. Please, if you think he is serious, call 101, otherwise disengage.

Whatnext074 Mon 11-Nov-13 22:58:59

Thank you, he is only close to his parents, he seems to have lost everyone else. I was so close to contacting them but they don't like me for making him this way so I didn't contact them.

He is unstable, I've never known him like this before, if he does something it will be on my head.

cjel Mon 11-Nov-13 22:59:59

He hasn't threatened suicide this time. he has said he is going to ....himself up to end his pain'

Try not to think about hat he is saying to you at all. I know its not easy, I've heard about my H's life again tonight and it made me cry so don't worry about being upset,

He isn't being very nice to you and I'd be tempted to reply that he is behaving like a child and to reply to the solicitor.

It is well known that they don't like us taking control and the solicitors letter is quite often a trigger for them to get weird.
Don't reply. let someone else deal with him. Send BIL a text if you have to do something but I think that you haven't done anything wrong, you need to get your finances sorted and could wait years if you leave it until hes ready. None of this is 'on your head' hes brought it on himself and his 'pain' is his to deal with.

Take care of yourself and try to go to bed and put some music on or read, Stay calm and try and think you haven't had the conversation. He will be getting on with his life by now and got over his tantrumxxxx

itwillgetbettersoon Mon 11-Nov-13 23:01:00

Please What don't worry too much. My ex did the same said he was going to jump off a train platform. I told him that if he said it again I would call the police as it wasn't on. I'm sure it is guilt. He told me my texts to him were sending him over the edge - I thought I was helping him. Once I went no contact the suicide threats soon stopped and my ex is still with the OW - so in reality he knew what he was doing.

Take care and look after yourself. You are so important . Hugs

myroomisatip Mon 11-Nov-13 23:07:49

Honestly. It will NOT be on your head. No way! Stop thinking this way now.

It was his choice to get involved with another woman. If he now cannot deal with the fallout then that is not your fault. No one would expect you to forgive him if you are not able to.

Whatnext074 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:12:16

I text him asking if he meant it and if I don't hear from him I will have to call the police to check on him. Do I do it if he doesn't reply?

Zhx3 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:15:45

I'm sorry what, I don't have experience of this. But his threats of self-harm seem to follow "the script" which I've seen mentioned on here before. There's a great thread about "the script", I'm hoping a wiser Mner will be along soon to link to it.

Remember though, that this is of his doing - nothing on your head. Were you the one who left, who was callous and cruel unnecessarily? His verbal diarrhoea makes me hmm, he's great at offloading his anguish onto you, but not so receptive when you need to offload to him?

He might not be conscious of it, but it sounds as if he doesn't like to have the control taken from him - therefore maybe his behaviour is getting more extreme to try and get some sort of expected reaction from you?

Also (and this is important!)... Your h doesn't get to choose whether or not solicitors are involved. If you believe it's the best way, then it's the best way. What's best for you and ds, remember? Please put yourself first!

Take care.

Whatnext074 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:26:29

Thank you so much.

I tried calling him and it rung out.

Whatnext074 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:29:12

Bastard has just text me saying he's okay and he was asleep!

I hate what he's doing to me. I take control, then I give it straight back to him. I'm so stupid!

Zhx3 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:31:18

I hope that works! Read the opening post What - I've only skimmed it, apologies - but you might find it resonates x

Zhx3 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:41:41

What, I just read that post. Your h appears to be following the script rather accurately, I think!

Whatnext074 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:47:42

Yes Zhx3, I agree totally. Apart from the therapy and the children, that is my life. Thanks, I feel a bit calmer now and I will try not to fall for it again.

myroom - if he threatens it again I will call 101, thanks x

Zhx3 Mon 11-Nov-13 23:57:16

You are coping impressively, it seems to me!

springytick Tue 12-Nov-13 00:50:12

What a bastard. Sorry, had to be said angry

So, hang on, let's get this straight: not only has he shat on you from a height, but he bleats and moans 'in agony' ( hmm ), expecting you to carry the full weight of all of it. You are getting yourself together (after he very cruelly told you words to the effect of pull yourself together or I wont talk to you angry ) and he's decided that's not on, he has to pull you down again with shit about doing this or that to himself <yawn>

Poor, pity him eh hmm

(After dropping his bombshell that [understandably] had you in a terrified, worried, guilty state, he was asleep! When you haven't been able to sleep for months!)

MistressDeeCee Tue 12-Nov-13 02:57:53

Yes its definetely part of the (usual) script. My ExH text me to say he couldn't go on, & had put a noose around his neck. Oh and before that, he was going to cut his wrists. I got a text on that occasion too. That was in 2006 he's still very much alive (so much for suicide, eh?) and still with the OW although at 1 stage he asked to come back to me...yaaaawn @ these men who can't take on the responsibility of what they've done, then try to use the woman they've dissed & left as fallback girl/sounding board/scapegoat. Its too unattractively weak for words. The never changes much.

Nobody's responsible for anybody's suicide in any event. Hopefully you'll manage to go No Contact one day WhatNext, this man is trying to play you like an emotional fiddle. The OW can fret about and deal with his self-inflicted confusion but I have a mind he's not making her take anything on board.

You're way above all this. Your son, your DB, stable people with your interests at heart..they're the good people for you. Keep going- you're the stronger and wiser one here.

Whatnext074 Tue 12-Nov-13 07:08:10

Hardly any sleep again thanks to him, am so exhausted all the time. I won't fall for it again and I agree, he's probably not putting any of this on her! So cruel and he doesn't even seem to see it.

He even said we can't afford a divorce and there's no hurry.

springy - that's so true.

redundantandbitter Tue 12-Nov-13 07:34:40

God I can't believe he's got the flaming cheek to offload on you like that. Then make you worry with his half cocked 'suicude' comments. This was all his doing. He didn't have to ! I'm so sorry that he's screwed up your evening . It's because he knows he can. He knows you are good and compassionate. Hope you recover and get through the day hun. Thinking if you.

captainmummy Tue 12-Nov-13 08:39:16

What an arse, what. He blames you for his guilt -you suggested that you'd heard he'd been dissing your marriage? How very dare you! Even when he does diss your marriage, that is nothing to do with it. Of course not! angry Ok now you've made him feel terrible by repeating what he's said; it's all your fault; he is so upset he is thinking of 'ending it all'.
You then go crazy because you cannot handle the guilt he has heaped on you.
He falls asleep.

God I hate him! Please go NC. He is stressing you further and it's NOT ON!

And agree - the solicitor is for the protection of your interests. Of course he won't like it!

skyeskyeskye Tue 12-Nov-13 09:37:47

he is trying to guilt trip you into calling off the solicitor. Because it will cost him money to have to go through a solicitor. Because you might get what you are entitled to.

Ignore his empty threats. No contact unless absolutely necessary.

Hi Darling

IMHO it is all actions of a man floundering around as he loses a little of the control.

1. He probably expected he could get you to sort things amicably when he was ready. In his own time and to his own benefit. Your letter - perfectly reasonable and responsible and as any professional would advise you to do - has shown him that he isn't going to call the shots on that one, hence tantrum disguised as mini breakdown (my own ex pretended that he may want to get together but that I should sign a shit financial deal before I left for UK for 8 weeks so his "head would be clear to think about me'. As much as I was away with the fairies in shock and grief, err no sunshine,; devastated not lobotomised)

2. He wanted to tell his story - plucky DH summing up courage to end loveless marriage with What and finally allowing himself to be freed of 'loveless' marriage - but when caught out in a blatant lie massage of truth has to deny it so as not to confirm he is in fact cowardly liar who, most likely, has met someone who has turned his head and so has to justify it by trashing your marriage otherwise he just looks like a selfish cock.

3. When realising your were not falling for said breakdown went to sleep.

I'm not saying he isn't stressed. He has just ended his marriage, thrown in his lot with OW in uncharted waters, lost his stepson, alienated family and will take a financial hit. A lot to be stressed about for sure but a. its of his own making and b. it is utterly shitty to be putting this back on you in an effort to improve his own lot. I don't make light of suicide - I referenced way at the beginning of your thread that I referenced the suicide of a family member over a break-up -- but I would pretty much guarantee that your ex is not going to do anything like that and I would not spend one second of your emotional resources worrying about it. If he references again, you should call his brother (just to be on safe side) and let him know and let them deal with it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to unsettle you. I have been reading and have seen your posts trying to help others. Its probably what he was banking on. I imagine you have a track record in real life of helping others and he was hoping that he could play you. But you my love are not a fiddle. Rather a Steinway!

Love Dolly x

cjel Tue 12-Nov-13 09:56:09

trouble is, when we start to take some control the plan they had isn't up to them any more and they panic!!! its the hardest thing in the world, but try and realise he will rant and then calm down and you will be left feeling crap for days. Think that and it may help you to let it out of your mind quicker. Its a hard exercise to do but eventually it becomes easierxx

bluebirdwsm Tue 12-Nov-13 11:14:40

I cannot believe the selfishness/self obsession of this very controlling egotistical man, what. Everything is about him, absolutely everything. And everything is made to be your fault, everything.

How dare you get upset about losing your babies, putting up with his anger, finding out about the OW, seeing him leave? How dare you try and arrange a mutually agreeable time for him to pick up his stuff? How dare you consult a solicitor and look after your future/finances after his abandonment?

The cheek of him is astounding. What about wanting contact with his stepson, who he has abandoned merrily, without thought or conscience for your DS's feelings? That is what disgusts me, 9 years of attachment and then rejection. Just cruel to your son, as indeed what he has done/is doing to you - to this day. Cruelty.

You are just now strong enough to challenge his behaviours, to look after yourself and your health in all this - and he's losing the tight hold he had/has on you and your emotions, trying to keep you as an insurance policy. How dare you involve other people in his drama, which is all about him and what he wants!

Personally with such nasty emotional blackmail being used in such a controlling way, to force you to do things his way - or else - I would go for absolutely no contact from now on. Let him stew in his mixed messages and lie in the bed he has made.

In no way do you know the whole story, just what he selects to say for maximum impact on your life - to sustain your uncertainty and immobilise you. I'm guessing the OW is rejecting him somehow and he can't cope with the stress of a new relationship, financial implications of what he has set in motion. And he knows he's messed up big time, no way back, and people have seen through him. Let him get on with it.

Look after yourself what, you have been so strong, and for one I am incensed he has worked on you again to cause you another sleepless night - which you desperately need. Selfish childish weak man. Stay strong, avoid contact. Any more suicidal dramas and text his brother/family and leave it. [I've had that one, yeah I meant so much to him he met someone else, married and abandoned our children.....]. It's all bullshit.

bluebirdwsm Tue 12-Nov-13 11:16:37

....desperately don't need.

Whatnext074 Tue 12-Nov-13 12:33:44

I so needed to read your posts. Haven't been able to concentrate at work all morning and the guilt has been immense for me.

I keep remembering him sobbing saying he spends all his time in his rented room and has nobody and he wants to end his pain. BUT - you're right, he then went to sleep! Wish I could sleep.

He hasn't got the 'you've caused a lung tumour' anymore so he moves to this and definitely, he wants to do things in his time, when he's ready, well I can't wait. It's doing me in being in our home and I need to move on.

He is sick in the head, I know he's struggling but he actually believes that what he's doing is acceptable and that he simply fell out of love with me. He detaches the two things and defended his OW again last night. He said she was bad timing - I agree, about 11 years bad timing as he should never have gone with her while he was married but 11 years ago would have been acceptable then I wouldn't be in this situation!

I actually have spent so much time feeling sorry for him - even now - but I need to remember where I've been and I can't go back to those dark days. I have a horrible, horrible feeling in my stomach today but your messages have really helped me, thank you so much.


mainamow Tue 12-Nov-13 12:47:05

I think OP he is acting. Take care of yourself and ignore his crocodile tears. They are the tears of guilt and he said he would have ended the relationship anyway because he stopped loving you. That confirms that he may have actually said things were not working between the two of you. What a cunning and callous man. He wants you to feel sorry for him. You already feel guilty he is trying "to end his life". I am sure he is not.
Please OP don't fall for his tricks. You are slowly recovering and here he is trying again to make your life miserable. I know you still love him but he is disgusting and pathetic.

skyeskyeskye Tue 12-Nov-13 13:07:16

what I had the same speech. It was just a "coincidence" that he was texting OW thousands of times when he fell out of love with me and I was "just clutching at straws" to blame that for him leaving.....

Ignore it. You are not stupid even if he is.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 12-Nov-13 13:35:14

Remember this is the man who wouldnt speak to you on the phone when you were right on the edge.

He can see you are getting stronger, he can feel you are more in control - so hence part of the script - "Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact." Last night was practically a textbook example wasnt it!!!

I dont understand how he is so upset that you believe what someone else has told you but then clarified he doesnt love you and would have left .... WTF is going through his head, is that not worse?

I cant feel sorry for Mr BooHoo Poor me, if a relationship has run its course it is possible to end it with empathy and consideration for the other person - he made these choices, he is still making the wrong choices. If he grew up, owned his decisons and tried to act honourably from now on, whilst the outcome of your relationship would still be sad it would not be the clusterf*ck he has currently made of it.

I think he needs to see a doctor, get some ADs then perhaps he can start seeing how the world is rather than the work of fiction he is creating.

Please dont let him drag you back down wink seeing a solicitor was the best thing to do for you - his behaviour towards you means you no longer have to consider what he wants, unless it is in your interests.

captainmummy Tue 12-Nov-13 13:39:36

'He fell out of love with me' - who knows what came first; the affair or the falling-out-of-love (I know which I'd bet on) Of course he is trying to justify his affair, if he'd just met and fallen in lust with OW his friends/family would be suitable disgusted at him. BUT as/if he was in a loveless marriage anyway, then they will not think so bad of him...

Next time he threatens to 'end his pain' - phone his brother. AND TELL HIM YOU WILL DO SO! I bet he backpedals so fast he meets himself coming the other way!

Although -done the suicide talk - whats next in the script? Anger? Threats? Nice? Tears (again)?

sassy34264 Tue 12-Nov-13 14:34:38

Hi what.

De-lurking again out of complete jaw dropping shock.

So, let's get this straight;

He doesn't want any communication with you, when YOU'RE emotional.
But it's OK to talk to you, when he's sobbing like the spoilt brat he is

You are in a really bad way, and phone him, and he more or less hangs up on you, doesn't ring the next day either and probably lost no sleep over it to check you haven't done anything bad.
He threatens to, you ring and text a lot, feeling frantic and guilty and he gets a good nights sleep.....again.

I wouldn't let him have the chance to hang up on me again. I would put the phone down and text, 'I can't speak to you, when you are this emotional, only ring me when you have your shit together'

He actually has the fecking brass neck to tell you it would have happened anyway because he didn't love you, and then sob like a baby with self pity about his situation!!!

Honestly you could cook something with the steam that is currently coming out my ears. What a prize size prick he really is.

I wouldn't waste any more time on him. He is never going to get it, is he? Once you internalise this, you will be amazed how much freedom it will bring you.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 12-Nov-13 14:47:35

I would be surprised if OW hasnt dumped him - hence all the sobbing and hand wringing now...of course its all your fault. You are too kind What.

Nice one sassy prize size prick grin

sassy34264 Tue 12-Nov-13 14:49:07

I know you are not a bitch and he's banking on that

But would it not give him a taste of his own headfuckery, if you actually cranked it up a couple of notches with the solicitor?

He won't be expecting it, as his plan is manipulation obvious to those looking in and he will be thinking you will back off now.

I know I would go for the juggular

sassy34264 Tue 12-Nov-13 14:51:15

Blue grin

mammadiggingdeep Tue 12-Nov-13 15:18:08


Just checking in. Am u getting this right????

You had a suicidal phone call where he off loaded his emotions onto you???? Then fell asleep????

Oh what, my darling. This man is a prize class A shit. I do hope you haven't taken too much of it on your shoulders. You know this was all his doing. How fucking dare he??

Two things:
1) this has happened because he got a whiff of you taking control. Didn't like you controlling your own destiny did he? Thought HE would determine how and when you divorced
2) you coped the other Saturday, got back from you 'trip' to London, didn't beg or cry for him to reconsider...not quite what he was expecting I reckon
3) he bloody turned his back on you on your dark Saturday. Actually said that he thought it best you had no contact until you were stronger. Fucking low life to leave you so desperate and sad. Even us strangers (at the time, best if mumsnet friends now smile ) on the Internet held your hand and showed you more compassion and love than he did on that dark night.

Fuck him whatnext. I know you're kind and a genuinelyivt person but you must put yourself, and your own health above him. Next time he calls like that tell him to jog on and keep on jogging.

God, am so angry in your behalf. What a joker this guy is.

Hugs to you whatnext. Do not let this latest twist de rail you from the progress you were making.


mammadiggingdeep Tue 12-Nov-13 15:19:17

Sassy....amen to cranking it up a few notches!!!

sassy34264 Tue 12-Nov-13 15:37:59

Mamma- I'd personally be cranking it up so much, his ass would be electrified.

unfortunately, the situation seems to be, that what next is a nice person, and prize size you know who, equates nice with 'weak'

You can't fight such people with nice. They leave size 9 dents all over you.

Join me on the cynical/jaded bench, and grab those balls. wink

And I promise, you only have to squeeze as hard as you want.......but you do need to grab them, eventually.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 12-Nov-13 15:39:57 time I'm on the phone to my arsehole ex I want to put it on loud speaker and have you as my spokeswoman grin

sassy34264 Tue 12-Nov-13 15:44:59

I'd love it!

I should start my own business of composing letters, emails and text messages to assholes.


mammadiggingdeep Tue 12-Nov-13 15:50:47

You'd rake it in...there's a lot of arseholes out there! sad

redundantandbitter Tue 12-Nov-13 23:21:08

Hi what how was your day? Get any better after reading your own team
Of cheerleaders messages of support. I'm still cross on your behalf, the blooming nerve of the man ... Sobbing down the line to you and getting you drawn in and concerned and then went to bed! Me me me. Next time tell him you can't chat for long as you have a 'visitor'. Unbelievable . Hope you have stopped feeling bad for him. Sleep well

mammadiggingdeep Tue 12-Nov-13 23:23:39

Hey what...

Hope you're ok. Hope you've had an ok evening and get some sleep.

Hugs x

springytick Wed 13-Nov-13 01:31:15

Hey, what, how are you? Thinking of you, hope you're ok xxx

mammadiggingdeep Wed 13-Nov-13 21:01:26

Hey whatnext...
Hope you're ok and work is going alright. Hope the other night isn't playing on your mind too much. Do you have plans at the weekend? Something to look forward to?

BlueSkySunnyDay Wed 13-Nov-13 21:23:51

Hope everything is going ok What.

mammadiggingdeep Thu 14-Nov-13 06:42:42

Hope you're ok what x

redundantandbitter Thu 14-Nov-13 22:46:48

Hi what, how are you ? Check in. X

Whatnext074 Thu 14-Nov-13 23:11:12

Thank you for your posts.

I have been up and down over past few days, it's messed my head up and it's not fair but I can't help but worry about him. I feel sorry for him and I don't know why but, I have to think of myself as I don't want to get to a bad place again. I think the fact that through his sobbing, he said he hadn't loved me for ages hurt me again, he doesn't have to keep saying that to me - I get the message.

My H has given up so much, it's sad. If he is sick then there's only one person he has who would have looked after him and he has pushed me away.

My DS has got a job walking distance from home so he came home tonight having given up his other job and gave me a big smile and a hug at the door. He's amazing.

springytick Thu 14-Nov-13 23:21:08

Glad to hear from you What.

Well, you feel sorry for him because he put on an oscar performance to get you to feel sorry for him; to offload his guilt and uncomfortableness about the shitty, shitty thing he has done. When he'd done it - transferred his shit to you - he went to sleep. Job done. Like sowing a field, he left it to germinate.

He wasn't so badly off the other night that he couldn't throw in an outrageous lie: that he hadn't loved you for a long time. That is a plain lie and you know it.

Yay fabulous DS flowers

Joysmum Thu 14-Nov-13 23:27:56

Just a thought, having only read your posts (not the replies of others) the biggest recurring theme is your guilt at how you think his demise and possible break down is because of you.

Tbh, I think it more likely that he's falling apart because it's not just you who now can see the real him. I suspect he's realised that he's been busted and that the worlds perception of him has changed for the worse. His mask has been dropped, he's feeling exposed and knows he's lost the respect of everyone.

So, you can continue to see his decline as a reason for you to feel guilty, or you can see it as his reaction to how the wider world now sees him and not your treatment of the situation at all.

springytick Thu 14-Nov-13 23:39:25

I'm not suggesting he necessarily did it consciously, but he did it nonetheless.

He was buckling under the weight of the heinous thing he has done. So he got this huge sack that was weighing him down... and gave it to you. He justified doing it - he had 'not loved you for a long time' - then relaxed. All's well with him...

Only you're the one carrying the lead weight. Which belongs to him.

Whatnext074 Thu 14-Nov-13 23:42:59

Joysmum - I think that's it. He's built his reputation on his integrity and now even his DB has no time for him and his lies. He only has his parents and (I think still) his OW. He even told me he does nothing except go to work and then go back to his room.

He has this amazing professional presence but he has never had any friends but I thought that was okay as he seemed okay with that and just wanted me - even though I have a lot of friends. Now it appears he has nobody and that is probably why I have this guilt as I have many people I can turn to but he hasn't.

He has always prided himself on his loyalty and morals and now that is shot to pieces and the only way he can deal with it is to detach the deceit and cruel way he's treated me and say that the OW is separate and nothing to do with us.

He has tried damage limitation by contacting members of his family and explaining his side and how he is so wounded but most either don't care, because they have never been close or they don't believe him and feel for me and my DS.

It's so sad seeing/hearing what he has become. I have a large family and they would have always been there for him, he saw my DBs and my DS as his own and so did they but he's lost that now.

I also feel guilty because although it's incredibly hard, I know I'll be okay, I have no choice but I'm not sure he will be. But - he doesn't want my help.

You are very perceptive.

MistressDeeCee Fri 15-Nov-13 03:28:52

Hi Whatnext

My ex was the same - no friends. Whilst I thought this really strange after a while, I didnt let it bother me. Took me a long while to realise it was VERY important to him what people in the outside world - colleagues, relatives etc thought of him. I then realised he didnt have friends because he didnt want others around; he didnt want people to see or know the real him. When we split I discovered he badmouthed me to everybody - not just his family, but to my family and friends too. Luckily they didnt take on board what he was saying. But it really, really matters to him what people think about him.

Your EXh will be ok, he will make sure he finds help if and where he needs it. The sad thing is, in this life you really cant analyze or 2nd guess people at all. We believe they must feel guilty about their actions - but in reality, you cannot truly know if someone feels guilty at all. Sometimes its simply that theyre annoyed that not everything is going their way and not everybody is in their corner.

Unfortunately not everyone has empathy, this is exactly why they can drop an absolute bombshell into another's life and then attempt to guilt trip everybody else. They need to play victim, and they need approval.

Keep looking after yourself - you and your DS are the most important people in this scenario, and you'll come through it

mammadiggingdeep Fri 15-Nov-13 07:48:20

Morning what,
Glad to see you're ok...your ds is amazing. Bless him. I think it's natural to be upset to see h on a bad place. You love him and you care about him. Just keep putting yourself first. You've come so far.

I think joysmum is prob right too- he's upset his reputation is on tatters. Of course it would hurt to have your own DB think the worst of you. Unfortunately he can't change what he's done can he?

Hugs- have a good day x

captainmummy Fri 15-Nov-13 08:30:09

What - obv you still have feelings for him, bastard that he is, - BUT you can't do anything about that. Carry on having feelings, give yourself permission if you like. It won't change anything he's done, or is doing. You don't need to be part of his 'fantasy' about his perception of others/by others.
It will still hurt you, but if you tell yourself THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO - then you may be able to put it aside and just live with it.

That, until you get angry and then indifferent.

And bless ds. What a sensitive young man.

bluebirdwsm Fri 15-Nov-13 10:41:39

Whoever we are, how we live our lives, whoever/whatever we choose as a 'bandage', whatever tactics and coping mechanisms we are choosing, whatever we are running from - it will one day catch up with us and we will have to face ourselves. And it often is excruciating, painful and usually accompanied by loss of some sort. For some it is part of life and overcome without too much discomfort [a wobble at being 40 for eg]. [For a couple of people I know it has meant a suicide or a divorce, for me it was the end of wanting a partner in any form].

For other people it is a major event and life changing. This is usually for people who are in denial about something, lying about something or have personality problems etc.

I dare say that 'amazing professional presence' is a mask, not the real person [I knew someone like this, in her personal life she was always causing trouble, promiscuous, often being the OW etc].

Your H is going through something that's for sure. Whether he should take you down with him when he has chosen the route of leaving you and your son for OW, being so cruel ever since and telling you he does not love you - is the point. Has he any right to expect you to help him and feel guilty?

He is responsible for his actions and only he can sort out his life. He seems to have found reality and is seeing who he really is, and doesn't like much what he sees. Most human beings can empathise, you can still love the person who rejected you but they ultimately that person has to get through this their own way, they are on their own path. Sometimes that leaves us behind and is a painful fact of life.

I hope you are ok what, along with your amazing son, and feeling life is more in your control and that the future is worth looking towards.

redundantandbitter Fri 15-Nov-13 12:32:42

Sure I posted - but can't find it... Going bonkers.

Your DS sounds lovely - I like him!

My EX is a police officer and was very badly bothered about people no longer seeing him as a 'good person' when he left his wife. Ok, there were other contributing factors too but he didn't have a close group of mates either so he did spend a lot of time either at work or in his room. He self harmed and ended up being signed off work for 3 months and took anti depressants. Sound familiar? It must be very common.

Next time he decides to call you and off load his emotional baggage onto you ask yourself a question ' would he do this for me?'. If your answer is 'no' then tell him y

redundantandbitter Fri 15-Nov-13 12:35:53

Bugger - stupid phone

Anyway tell him you're busy and not qualified to analyse his feelings. Then advise him to go talk to a professional therapist. It's not ok To take you down with him now he's left and got OW. If there were real issues he should have addressed them with you. Too late now. Let him
Get on with it. You are doing so well.

BlueSkySunnyDay Fri 15-Nov-13 12:59:09

I think anyone who has had a relationship end in these circumstances understands how you feel - you still care for him and feel torn when he is troubled. The honest truth though is you cant make him treat you with respect, you cant force him to love you and you may never understand why he did this (I doubt he really knows)

What you can do is move on with your life without him slowly, if he is unpleasant or distresses you end the conversation. If he needs sympathy tell him to discuss it with OW - its not your problem.

It seems like any contact you have with him sets you back again, once you feel stronger limiting contact will allow you to move on and not keep pulling you back into his drama.

springytick Fri 15-Nov-13 13:06:38

Sorry to over-egg this - he may not like what he's seeing but, instead of bearing it himself, doing it himself, carrying the weight of it himself... he is not, he is putting it on you, What. ie making a huge song and dance about it, so you feel guilty and beside yourself with worry (because he is threatening to kill himself or hurt himself in some way). It really is monstrously cowardly.

The pain of this has driven you to the very brink. Your pain is legit (if you like), clean pain: the result of someone else's heinous actions, betrayal. His pain is cowardice, that he doesn't want to face what he has done. So he puts it on you. When you have plenty to carry at present. Thanks to him and his actions.

We can all have our moments of truth and it is not pretty to face and can be very, very challenging. But we bear it and don't dump it on someone else. You of all people in this sordid tale, What! While at the same time not only mentioning her name but supporting her to you and making her out to be the focus of all this. It is too, too bad.

He's got you on a false platform here. You don't belong there - he does.

Whatnext074 Fri 15-Nov-13 13:16:38

I actually phoned him that night, because I was fed up of texts backwards and forwards and I'm an adult and would like to think we can discuss things.

I didn't expect to hear a sobbing man asking me to stop talking because "couldn't I hear it in his voice that he is fragile".

you can still love the person who rejected you but they ultimately that person has to get through this their own way, they are on their own path. Sometimes that leaves us behind and is a painful fact of life.

Wise words with posts, I can't make him love me, he is dealing with his own internal trauma - I could help him but he doesn't want that and I haven't offered.

bluebirdwsm Fri 15-Nov-13 13:42:49

Hey, we are ALL fragile ffs and maybe this is what your H has to learn. We are not on this earth to be played with, mocked, abused or taken for granted by other people. Then dismissed, rejected and brushed off.

We are all vulnerable, we put our trust and hopes for future happiness when entering a loving relationship which we hope will nourish and sustain us as we love the other person and give them the best of us. We make efforts to make that other person happy, and not to hurt them - all the while opening ourselves up and making ourselves vulnerable.

This is what you did what, you and your son, two human beings [a single parent and a young son] with feelings, trust and wanting to share life with this man. You were generous and shared your family and friends with him as you say he had few of his own - just his own persona, honed to impress. God knows how he would feel if he had been so rejected. You have had a very hard time - he cannot even concede that. Does he ever mention your son? Is he interested in his life/welfare at all?

Did H not hear the fragility in your voice when you wanted him to help you, when you were genuinely in deep distress not of your making? Time I fear for him to learn some basic lessons of how not to be so self obsessed, cruel and dismissive and to learn self awareness and the consequences of certain behaviours. And that other people can hurt too!

I hope you are coping ok with all this, stay strong what. Life's a bastard sometimes and one thing only is certain.....and that is that all things change. I hope you have a good weekend x

cjel Fri 15-Nov-13 14:32:12

Hello WHAT, How are you doing?

captainmummy Fri 15-Nov-13 15:33:42

what - what did he do when you phoned him in a 'fragile' state? Oh yes that's right - told you to bugger off and not to phone again until you were more 'stable'. hmm

Poor poor man. So fragile, and all for what?


springytick Fri 15-Nov-13 15:55:57

Dear. God.

Not only has he smashed your head and heart into tiny pieces, it's now become all about him, all about you chasing him to 'help him'. FFS <tears out hair>

Help him ??? What on earth are you doing, What? Repentance looks very different to this. He is not repentent. Let him bottom out and then see where things really stand. I doubt he can be bothered to bottom out, he just wants to bend the universe to fit the story that he's a good guy and what he did was not his fault. He is insisting it wasn't his fault, can you see?

He doesn't need any help. He needs a good kicking, frankly. Fragile indeed hmm

Whatnext074 Fri 15-Nov-13 19:00:31

bluebird - no, he hasn't asked once how my DS is but then he hasn't asked how I am either. It is all about him which is very out of character but then he's not who I fell in love with.

redundantandbitter Fri 15-Nov-13 19:08:11

It's cruel that he's rejected you and can't be arsed asking how you are... But it's just plain nasty to not bother with your DS that he's lived with as his SF for years. It's unbelievably sad.

What are you up to the weekend what?

CCTVmum Fri 15-Nov-13 19:16:21

Whatnext that reminds me of someone with a PD tbh who switch their emotions off like a light switch and have no feelings any more esp re your DS! He switched his personality to reflect he doesn't need you anymore ( like chucking aside an empty bottle of milk etc) He sounds very ME ME ME like a Narc tbh! If he is like this their ways to manage his behaviour…..mainly ignore him!

skyeskyeskye Fri 15-Nov-13 21:23:21

my XH turned into a very different person, became cold and callous towards me, yet expressed a wish that we could be friends. I had a message from him a month after he left, asking if I thought that I would ever be able to talk to him again, as he couldn't bear to think that we would never speak again. I told him in no uncertain terms that due to the way he had treated me, we could never be friends.

your H does not deserve your compassion. It is all about him, how fragile he is... he is in a situation of his own making and he did not give a shit about you when you were at breaking point.

please don't feel sorry for him. his act will soon fade.

OMG what I've not been around for a few days & have just read back. Please for your own sanity, realise that he is not right in the head right now but whatever it is that's going on with him - it's not your fault. Don't be dragged into his drama, build yourself a Teflon heart & detach, detach, detach.....

MistressDeeCee Sat 16-Nov-13 01:42:44

There's a saying, isnt there: When someone shows you who they are - believe them. Time is a great healer; WhatNext, you will soon enough see through the blame game, and be well on your way to living the positive life you deserve, with people around you who have your wellbeing at heart.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 16-Nov-13 08:34:50

A lot of wise words hard to see when you're in the midst of it I know What.

Hope you're ok x

Whatnext074 Sun 17-Nov-13 16:14:39

I have made a few changes to my future as sitting here grieving for a man I love isn't helping my state of mind.

My lovely pink tool kit arrived!

I spent hours yesterday going through my financial forms for mediation.

I start Pilates next week.

I start a make up course in January - always wanted to do that but the full course is very expensive so will see how finances go.

I start a painting and decorating course in February - who else is going to hang my wallpaper now so I'll do it myself.

I drove on the M25 on my own last night for the first time in 11 years - I am a good driver but am really anxious about joining motorways, especially the M25 so this was a huge achievement for me.

Saw my DSis yesterday and she said I look amazing and loved my new hairstyle. Made my day.

I won't lie, I am still so sad but the burning skin feeling and the night sweats have gone now and I can see a little into my future and how I need to help myself. I miss him terribly, am worried about him too but I know he doesn't want me and he is convinced he's right in re-writing history. I can't change that but, I can change things for myself.

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 17-Nov-13 16:21:02

Well done What. Lots of new experiences to look forward too. I paid a very small deposit for a holiday next year and it had an immediate effect of cheering me up on this damp Sunday. You are doing so well. In all honesty can anyone really say the same thing about you H? No - because he has been nasty, selfish and certainly not the man you married. X

Whatnext074 Sun 17-Nov-13 16:28:51

Well done to you too, those little achievements do make a difference. I've never booked a holiday, my H always did that so that is on my list x

mammadiggingdeep Sun 17-Nov-13 16:45:09


You absolutely rock!!! You're doing bloody marvellously smile

Seriously...I admire you immensely. You are grabbing this situation by the horns and starting to shape your own future.

My Pom poms are waving so wildly there's bits of gold and silver tinsel flying all over the place.

Keep going girl, you're doing just fine!
wine cheers to you!

Whatnext074 Sun 17-Nov-13 16:55:33

Thanks mamma, made me laugh x

mammadiggingdeep Sun 17-Nov-13 17:03:47

smile I told you didn't can't keep a good woman down.

Hugs x

redundantandbitter Sun 17-Nov-13 17:42:29

Go what go what. You have been SO busy.

You know what, some things aren't As hard as blokes make out you think. Last year I booked flights and accommodation and took the kids abroad - it all worked!

Yesterday I took my wood burner apart and (tried) to fix it .

I can put air pressure in my boiler and even reconnected my starter motor by talking to the nice man in the garage over the phone! He cheered when I successfully started my engine and offered to buy me a pair of overalls.

You have your pink tool kit (envy) now you can
Fix stuff! And when you have done your course you can sort out my make up coz I still have no idea at 43.

So pleased that a little glimmer of sunshine is coming through.

BlueSkySunnyDay Sun 17-Nov-13 20:47:00

You are doing brilliantly grin dont let the "Mr Poor Me" drag you back down.

Ive considered doing painting and decorating would be good to know how you get on.

cjel Sun 17-Nov-13 20:53:32

Wow WHAT , you are amazing, well done. I've treated my self to a leaf hoover today as I was getting fed up with raking and sweeping leaves, had a moment of 'its all too much' then thought no it isn't get a leaf vacuum!!! The more we do the more we realise that we've been lied to all this time about hard things weresmileflowers

bluebirdwsm Sun 17-Nov-13 21:23:46

What, I am full of respect for how you are getting on with things. It's great to see how positive you are being - and rightly so. There is a lot to look forward to. So much to learn, so much to see, so many places to go and so many friends you've yet to meet.

Sounds like you look good too, fantastic!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 17-Nov-13 22:04:56

Cjel...please tell me the leaf Hoover is PINK? That would be doubly awesome.

Whatnext074 Sun 17-Nov-13 22:07:05

Thank you all.

Somebody on my other thread suggested the song, 'Move in the Right Direction' by The Gossip and that is my anthem at the moment.

One step closer I'm feeling fine
getting better one day at a time
I'm moving forward with all of my might
I'm heading toward a new state of mind
so I hold back tears
move in the right direction
face my fears
move in the right direction
I'm doing fine....

....Keeping my head up, looking forward
reminiscing will get you nowhere
never say never starting over
it's not perfect but its getting closer

Baby steps x

mammadiggingdeep Sun 17-Nov-13 22:12:50


You rock x

redundantandbitter Sun 17-Nov-13 22:37:52

Mama you beat me to it - was going to ask cjel if the leaf Hoover is pink too!

Bloody hell what you sound like a different person... Truly I admire your positiveness.

Please can I stand next to you and hope you rub off on me.. ( Ahem that came out all wrong)

cjel Sun 17-Nov-13 22:53:02

Nooooosad I didn't think to look for a pink one!! Wonder if they'll take it back - or perhaps I could stick some sparkly stickers all over it instead? I was going to bed feeling a bit low and thought I'd say goodnight first and you lot made me laugh out loud grin thank you . now I'll have sweet dreams of pink leaf blowers1!!!!

redundantandbitter Sun 17-Nov-13 22:56:53

Night cjel, chin up chuck. X

Whatnext074 Sun 17-Nov-13 23:06:03

R&B - I realise there is nothing I can do to change what has been done. I miss my H terribly but I miss the man he was, I don't recognise the man he has become.

My DS needs me and needs to see that I am getting better. My family have also been through so much over the past year and they thought they were going to lose me as well.

I have had so many dark days and this whole situation has hurt me like nothing before but I am strong, I am slowly finding my strength again. I love my H, always will but threatening suicide and sobbing to me when he has treated me so badly is actually something that drives me to a better place in my mind. He didn't kill himself - I nearly did, I think you all understood the desperation in my posts and how close I was. I wrote him an email that night and never sent it, I'm glad I didn't now. I certainly have my anxious moments and think about him a lot but it doesn't overwhelm me to the extent it has.

R&B, listen to the song if it helps, it took me a few weeks to understand that actually I can listen to it all the way through without crying.

If I had a tree, I would buy a pink leaf blower x

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 18-Nov-13 09:56:11

I miss the man he was, I don't recognise the man he has become.

Hold on to that thought next time you have a wobble What.

People change, things that happen in our lives change us and there is no point clinging to something which no longer exists if it is ultimately bad for us. It is a shame when you have had a good relationship and he has been a good man but that is not who he is now and his treatment of you that night you called him, in my eyes, is completely unforgiveable it says a lot for who you are that you were concerned for him when he appeared to have a similar crisis.

springyticky Mon 18-Nov-13 11:00:02

Wow, I know what r&d means about wanting what you've got to rub off because you're in the zone! It's inspiring to listen to you - it gives hope tbh. Not everyone has the same heartache but there's a lot of heartache about...

I'm sooooo glad you've emerged from his mithering gloop. All about him eh hmm . Yes, you were genuinely close to the awful deed, whereas he's just complaining at his lot. Big difference.

Onward and upward. So proud of you and inspired by you flowers

skyeskyeskye Mon 18-Nov-13 11:43:23

what you should be very proud of yourself, for how far you have come in such a short space of time. So many of us were worried for you when we read that first desperate post. You have pulled yourself up and out and continue to fight.

It is very hard recognising that they are no longer the man that you knew. My XH literally changed everything about himself, his clothes, his hair, his shoes, got contacts, changed his eating/drinking habits...

this was the man who told me that "you are what you are, people cannot change" - then went all out to change every single thing about himself, under the guidance of OW! Twat.

of course, changing your appearance is one thing, but unless a person gets counselling to look at themselves, then you can buy as many clothes as you like but you will still be the same person inside!

I can see you rising through this and being in a good place, while your XH finds himself somewhere completely different to where he thought he would be. and when he does, it will not be your problem..

onwards and upwards..

Callani Mon 18-Nov-13 13:56:27

As a long time lurker I had to post to say how AMAZED I am at your transformation over the last couple of months.

It feels strange to say this to a stranger on the internet, but I feel so proud of you getting through this, and you should be proud of yourself.

One day when you have the strength you can read your first posts and realise how far you've come.

Zhx3 Mon 18-Nov-13 22:24:42

Well done What! Not baby steps at all but great big strides... really proud of you!

Whatnext074 Mon 18-Nov-13 22:35:45

Oh my goodness, what absolutely lovely replies. I have to admit that I don't feel like an inspiration but I have come a long way. You have all helped me so much and I do take your advice on board.

He contacted me again tonight, must be his Monday night thing now, wants to collect some more of his things so I told him next weekend is suitable. A couple of weeks ago, I would have wanted him this weekend so I could have something to look forward to and get to see him but I think it may set me back when I see him so I'll wait a couple more weeks until I'm that little bit stronger.

I had a little wobble today over remembering him defending his OW to me last week but I pushed it out of my mind and it worked. I haven't cried for a while and the physical pain is getting much better so I am coping better.

Your words are so kind, made my day!

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 18-Nov-13 22:50:17

I agree, I know its hard but the less you see him or speak to him the stronger you will get.

The more you use the technique to push things out of your mind the easier it will become, I imagine I am sweeping things out when I start stressing or worrying about things and it helps massively.

springyticky Mon 18-Nov-13 23:53:26

I thought he'd already come back to get his stuff??

So he's doing it in dribs and drabs is he? Not sure I'd be happy with that tbh. Whats that all about then?

All in one go may have been too brutal for you - but I'd be looking at one full sweep in the not too distant future ie all his stuff, not bits and pieces so he can't keep coming back for some dastardly reason

Well done for putting it off for a fortnight. Do you think you could manage making this be the one and only collection, the last one? yy I appreciate he may whimper that it's too much and he's 'fragile' Too bad kiddo

are you going to make the house look completely unrecognisable when he comes

Whatnext074 Tue 19-Nov-13 00:07:35

No springy, all he took was his bike and camera, said there was no room in his car and that it would take him a few trips! His wardrobe is still full of clothes, I told him he may find it hard coming back here but I'm living with it all over the house.

I put it in my solicitor letter that he needed to clear his things. If he's left, then leave. He said he has nowhere to store things as he lives in one room and I said he can store them at his OW or his parents. I might even offer to fill my car up as well and take it to his. I don't know what he's playing at.

I have lots of lovely pictures of my family up and a new rug etc. I might buy myself some flowers again. It's just hard to make many changes as I don't intend to live here that long but I can accessorise.

springyticky Tue 19-Nov-13 00:28:43

I tell you what, rather than filling up your car and taking it all to his, how about bin bags on the lawn on a previously specified date? If he doesn't collect, perhaps then fill up your car and take to dump/charity shop/Christmas Bazaar.

Whatnext074 Tue 19-Nov-13 00:40:50

It's tempting but as it's in my solicitor letter now he'll have to comply no matter how fragile he is or how hard he finds it coming back into the 'marital home'.

springyticky Tue 19-Nov-13 00:49:42

Does he find it hard? If he found it hard, he'd only do it once, surely. Would he keep doing it??

Whatnext074 Tue 19-Nov-13 00:55:04

You have a point there. He cries every time and never looks at me. He just wants to get in and out as quick as possible and looks really uncomfortable, never has a drink even though I offer it. Even if he got his parents to wait down the road and fill their car up as well (as I don't want them in the house after what they said to me). I don't know why he doesn't take everything. I'll never work him out so I give up.

springyticky Tue 19-Nov-13 01:11:46

I think you will work him out one day.

He cries because he's been caught, life has caught him, not because he has hurt you. He cries because he has to believe his own hype that he was forced to do this terrible thing, despite everything he is and everything he believes in, because he just had to do it because he was no longer in the marriage. He has to be seen to wring his hands in agony at the awful thing that has happened out of his control; how any decent man would never do such a thing unless his hand was pushed. But what could he do? Yet he feels so sad and bereft that he had no choice! oh poor, poor man <wringing hands stage direction> - what a tragedy he had no choice but to commit? Everyone will see how cut up he is about doing something he had no choice to do.

but he has to keep coming round to yours just to check the stage directions everything is going to the plan... of a poor, wretched man who had no choice, is holed up at his parents' with nowhere to go. Everyone has to see that, he has to play the part.

This, instead of 'he was married and he had an affair and left his devoted wife, which makes him a shit'. He can't have that version, he has to plump it out so everyone will see the poor man had no choice. But look how he suffers! for himself and his reputation <wailing in the wings>

mammadiggingdeep Tue 19-Nov-13 06:26:37

Hey whatnext...

What a long, long way you've come from THAT night. Somebody said it upthread- and yes it's strange to say it to a stranger- but we're all so proud of you. You have been to rock bottom and fought your way up. You are an inspiration, no doubt about that. You're certainly showing your ds how to deal with the shit life can throw at you.

You said in your last post ' you give up trying to work him out' . When I genuinely got to this point with my ex things got so much easier. Instead of worrying/ mulling over for days what a text/ comment had meant I just got to a point where I shrugged my shoulders and muttered "twat" under my breath. Certainly less exhausting!

He is getting his things in drips and drabs because to clear out everything would be hard probably. However, he made the decision to leave so he should absolutely take every item...awful for you to see clothes hanging up. Hopefully he'll take everything this next time.

High five for your continued awesomeness....

flowers xx

MusicForTheMasses Tue 19-Nov-13 07:08:30

PS I look at my ex now, and I just think what a miserable old knob he is! I don't have to put up with his mood swings or moaning. Someone else will eventually have the pleasure (not the OW as she dumped him lol!)

LineRunner Tue 19-Nov-13 07:50:26

Springyticky I think that's a very astute post and it resonates with me.

When I eventually put ExH's left-behind clothes in bin bags and dumped them in his works car park, where he worked with OW, he went potty because it wasn't in his 'script'. He even paid for me to receive a moaning solicitor's letter about how it had upset him, boo bloody hoo.

OP Keep going, you are awesome.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 19-Nov-13 09:36:43

Just a suggestion smile I know it will be hard for you but perhaps you could bag his stuff up, do you have a room or a cupboard it could all go into?

If all of his possessions were removed from "life" in the house then it would underline to him that you have accepted the situation and are moving on. Whilst hard initially long term you wouldnt keep opening cupboards and seeing things which are his which must, even momentarily, set you back slightly.

I think it would be less distressing long term for you and he couldng keep coming back and cherry picking at stuff through the house as it occurs to him he wants it. Really he should be taking everything he wants in one hit, if you are hoping to get the house on the market surely it will need to be done in the not too distant future his parents not have a loft wink

In the way that only men can think, bearing in mind how hideously he has behaved emotionally, he may feel he still has potentially one foot in the door at the house I do suspect there is an element of him not being ready to completely burn his boats at your end. Im not saying he has any intention of coming back but men in this situation often like to hedge their bets...once his possessions are out psychologically he has completely severed the option to move back in (his safety net)

Make sure you leave your pink tool bag out when he visits grin

springyticky Tue 19-Nov-13 16:11:32

Im not saying he has any intention of coming back but men in this situation often like to hedge their bets...



MistressDeeCee Tue 19-Nov-13 17:35:51

I think he will come back, to be honest. WhatNext represents comfort, stability & familiarity for him. Its extremely hard to leave this life pattern behind;relationships aren't solely about love.

It may all have been very well upheaving his whole life for OW but as he's found, its not all about running off into the sunset and living happily ever after. It still means responsibilities, building a completely new life, him and OW getting to know each other thoroughly in terms of likes, dislikes, wants, needs, happiness. Its no easy task at all. That's what is phasing him; like many, he's found the grass isn't always greener at all.

WhatNext and H have years of history together. She knows him better than the OW does. & its glaringly obvious not all is well with new relationship. He is in turmoil, and he will want WhatNext back, I am 100% certain on this one.

You never can tell..married couples get over all sorts of crises don't they.

If he's allowed back - you have some terms to set WhatNext and I've no doubt at all, that you will. Whilst he's been philandering, what's happened is that you've been forced to call upon your own strength reserves. You're stronger, and wiser. He'd better be careful that whenever he does pluck up courage to ask for you back, you haven't outgrown him. You won't be exactly the same person you were before but whatever happens - you'll do just fine. You've been brutally honest about your situation and how you're feeling - that's no mean feat, to be able to express like that. Your H has lost himself a diamond - & he knows it

theunashamedow Tue 19-Nov-13 20:33:15

Much love and support op!

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 21:45:32

How are you doing today what? X

Whatnext074 Tue 19-Nov-13 21:55:28

MistressDeeCee - my DSis said that people do get through affairs and become strong together again but she said the way he has treated me for the 2 months before he left is what is unforgiveable. His cruelty and violence in the house (very out of character) and the name calling is what makes it difficult to forgive. I'm not sure anyone can come back from that.

I do wonder if his now reluctance to want to move forward with mediation, solicitors and divorce is because he doesn't want it or whether it is purely financial and control driven. I will never know.

If he just said sorry, told me he knows he's been a dick instead of continually telling me he doesn't love me through his tears and just spoke to me like an adult instead of sobbing about how hard his life is, then I might consider it. But, I don't think he'll ever come back and each day I move further away from him.

Why keep all his damn clothes here? He left 2 months ago! I don't get it.

You're right, he did have stability, unconditional love and loyalty from me, he has lost all of that.

Your H has lost himself a diamond - & he knows it - thank you for saying that xx

neiljames77 Tue 19-Nov-13 21:56:52

theunashamedow, what's your next trick? Going on the "dry" thread and inviting people out for a drink?

mammadiggingdeep Tue 19-Nov-13 22:19:09

Pathetic isn't it Neiljames??

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 19-Nov-13 22:30:02

I dont know what - from what you say he has been so deliberately hurtful, personally I think however much I loved someone I would always be expecting them to behave that way again.

I agree with your sister, some relationships do get stronger after something like this but from the friends I have made on here to me the people who have eventually thrived the best have been the ones where the relationships have ended - staying together seems a much harder route to take.

I really do think him keeping his clothes at the marital home is his way of keeping a foot in both camps and controlling the situation, all this coming and going to collect bits and bobs must be very unsettling for you.

You're doing well though grin

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 19-Nov-13 22:34:42

mamma - that was a bit subtle for me, got it now, what a strange thing to do hmm

mammadiggingdeep Tue 19-Nov-13 22:36:17

I'll pm you......

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 19-Nov-13 22:41:29

thanks for you OP doing so well. X

springyticky Tue 19-Nov-13 23:03:10

See, I think he bangs on about not loving you because that is the central pin, in his drama, to why he left. That's his story and he's sticking to it. But its not true.

I think he also hasn't moved in with the OW because how would that look? He's all about how things look. So he looks forlorn and beats himself with a whip by staying in a single room at his parents. The poor man is really going through it, can't everyone see? All show.

But, as is so often the case with self-deception, he truly believes his story now. Everything is vested in it - his reputation, his future. He has to walk away from this feeling good about himself, and, to that end, he's making sure that everyone hears the true story (with attendant beating of breast) so they will grudgingly say ah, we see now, the poor man was unhappy but how could he let down his dear wife? The wool pulled over their eyes, basically.

Whatnext074 Tue 19-Nov-13 23:12:11

I agree springy. Also, if he moves in with OW within 6 months then that has an impact legally on how things progress in my favour. My solicitor has asked the question and it is on the financial forms. Don't even know if he's still with her.

He does believe his story, totally and is spending time on damage limitation by trying to convince the few people he knows that his life was awful with me. The most laughable one being that he was bored of going to the supermarket at the weekend and that was one of the reasons for leaving me - the most hurtful was that he couldn't deal with the ongoing drama of the babies that were lost as 'he wasn't brought up that way to have constant dramas'.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 19-Nov-13 23:23:47

Is anyone bought up to have that kind of drama - did you not say a similar thing had happened in his family too recently...that is such a lame justification.

A strong person would just say "do you know what, I am really unhappy and want to separate" not be mean and spiteful then hide behind the skirts of another woman and his parents. sorry I do try not to be too scathing of him as I know you must still feel torn

Im bored of going to the supermarket - actually I rarely go as I get it delivered now (worth every penny!) I get stabby and whingey when people are dithering about in there plus I end up buying crap I really dont need.

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 23:29:08

I remember the supermarket comment. How flipping LAME is that? He's a grown man FFS. Shop = eat. Nothing stopping him from setting up an online shopping account, ordering it and getting it delivered on Saturday without even having to get dressed and leave the house. Oh no, easier to tell you it's one of the reasons he's 'unhappy'. Honestly, I hope you remember that comment when he's moaning down the phone at you (hopefully not soon). He'll be doing his own shopping now. Sorry for the rant what and sorry he can't be mature enough to support you and your losses.

You're doing brilliantly by the way. Isn't it time we all got out hot pants out again?

Whatnext074 Tue 19-Nov-13 23:36:15

Yes, both his DB and my DB lost young babies. He couldn't deal with that either and I don't feel he ever grieved properly. That's not a criticism of him as it was/is hard to mourn the loss of babies but don't throw it in your DW's face when you are lying about sleeping with OW.

He used to do an online delivery and then stopped, probably so he could use it as a reason to go.

Silly man, lost everything important, so uneccessary (sp).

redundantandbitter Tue 19-Nov-13 23:42:27

Think you summed him up what - silly man. It's so frigging sad to stand by (all dignified and strong - grr i hate that)
and watch them Make an arse of themselves while surrendering good stable loving relationships for ..what? It will all come back to bite him on the bum .. You watch.

Goodnight . Hope you sleep well

Whatnext074 Tue 19-Nov-13 23:43:41

I think it already has R&B.......

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 19-Nov-13 23:49:44

I think his inability to deal with the emotions of what has happened are probably the cause of all this. The same thing that made him unable to deal with these losses is the same thing that propels him to blame you for his failings, he is emotionally constipated and weak.

He didnt go through that alone, you all went through it - including your DS who he has now let down too.

Like you say silly man - I do think he will live to regret this when he makes it out the other side.

springyticky Wed 20-Nov-13 00:06:15


How cruel to pick out the minutiae of your life together, using it as examples of how 'unhappy' he was. supermarket shopping indeed angry. But then, you already know he is cruel.

I wasn't brought up to have dramas, either - is anybody? That suggests good things happen to good, organised, sensible people, and most adults know that's not the case. I'm sure my neighbour wasn't brought up to lose her husband suddenly in an accident a few weeks ago, either. He was good, she is good - what happened there then? confused

oooh I could say so much more. Believe it or not, I do hold back lol. I'm sure you'll say it all yourself in due course, What.

Marvellous What wink

S4r4h54321 Wed 20-Nov-13 00:53:01

Sounds like you husband is having a breakdown, pretty much the behaviour of my husband. There's nothing you can do for him until he hits the bottom and offers up the hand for help, if you feel you can or want to.

The important thing I was always told is to put yourself first. As a person who is so used to putting everyone else first, as you seem to be too, it's difficult but try.

MistressDeeCee Wed 20-Nov-13 01:36:13

Whatnext074 if he truly wanted to move on, by now he'd have taken all his clothes from the home. He wouldnt be still offering rubbish explanations through his tears. He wouldnt feel a need to attempt to justify what he's done. He has someone else, yet he can't categorically move on from you. That says a lot.

When we lose something good, deep down we know matter how much we may bluster. He should have known who and what he had. Food for thought, re. the cruelty and derision you suffered. Yes its extremely hard to come back from that - how on earth would you ever forget, or trust him again? Anyway, his loss and his pain is still to are bound to get fed up of it all eventually. The grass is greener expectation has come crashing down around his ears. His fault, his problem. He can get on with it, or whinge to the OW who he gave up so much for, yet it doesnt sound as if it was worth it on his part, so confusion reigns. He may be out there trying to convince people with his sob story, but I can bet he isnt fooling everyone at all.

As other posters have said, make sure you put yourself first. After all thats what your H did...however, YOU are the one with sense smile

cjel Wed 20-Nov-13 08:18:01


Hello What

How well you are doing what really. And under such confusing circumstances. To make you smile a good friend of mine's ex (years ago now) left for OW and in counselling before they split for good, the only thing he could pinpoint about her that annoyed him was that she banged on the side of tube trains to get peoples attention to ask them to move down. Like supermarkets, you couldn't make it up/add it to film script as ludicrous.

As others have said, it does sound a little like he is hedging his bets. Spinning the story of a hellish marriage in case it does work out with OW (to justify) and presenting his distraught at it all face I'm crumbling and breaking down with strain of it all to you in case it doesn't work (to justify). He may not be doing this consciously but he is certainly looking out for number one as far as I can read it -- in which case -- whatever you might do if he did want to come back -- you need to do the same. Look after number one in all its facets- physically, emotionally and financially. Of course your world has spun of its axis and you are desperately trying to find your balance again, but honestly, from when your first thread began you have made such tremendous and admirable inroads into this that you should be inordinately proud of yourself.

Hope your Wednesday is a good one x

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 17:53:17

Feeling really low and can't seem to shake it off.

I had a response from my H's solicitor and basically it says that he has no obligation to answer any of the questions I asked about finances and whether he intends to move in with OW (which as I said before, impacts legally on a settlement). It's all like a game and I hate it.

My solicitor won't answer anymore of my questions unless I pay £250 as she has sent the letter (which I feel has been a waste of time and money) and so her part has ended unless I instruct her and pay her further.

We have mediation to sort out finances but he gave me so many dates he can't do - apparently as he's travelling with work - so I've booked it for January. In a way, I wanted it to be a little while away so I can be even stronger but now I feel in limbo as he's still not answering my solicitor's questions.

I hate this feeling. It feels like I'm at school and having a row in the playground but it's my marriage. He's hurt me enough! Why can't he just do the right thing after the pain he's caused and then sobbing to me that his life is awful and he will kill himself. It's not fair, I don't deserve this.

mrscraig Thu 21-Nov-13 18:21:56

Sorry to hear you're having a down day. It's bound to happen, you can't suddenly be at peace overnight. Keep going x remember how far you've already come. Two steps forward ...

mrscraig Thu 21-Nov-13 18:30:03

Also, you don't deserve this. The enormous sense if injustice can feel overwhelming. I saw my counsellor today who tried to help me see that projecting it back on yourself is not the way forward. But it's really hard to not feel bloody hard done by and utterly inadequate. The sense of inadequacy can be debilitating. But I know, I KNOW, I am NOT the inadequate one and I am looking forward to the day I truly truly believe this.
I don't know if that helpful, I just wanted to squeeze your hand and let you know your feelings are entirely valid and I think you're blimmin amazing x

redundantandbitter Thu 21-Nov-13 19:13:18

Hi * what*, sorry to hear you're fed up. You have asked your questions but you can't make him answer, unfortunately.

But, least its done and you have mediation to come in January. Leaves you plenty of time to think through finances and start to feel stronger.

What have you got planned for this evening?

springyticky Thu 21-Nov-13 20:59:59

I could complain with you about legal fees. two hundred and fifty quid for a letter!!! angry . I wouldn't mind charging that sort of ridiculous money for what I do, frankly.

Some people could suggest (naming no names) that you get signed off by your GP, leave the job you hate, go on ESA. Those same people could tell you that your mortgage will be paid and, yes, times will be tight, but you'd qualify for legal aid.

I feel your powerlessness - no wonder you feel down. I could spit with you - truly absurd that access to legal representation is as prohibitively expensive ffs. Sorry, said that already. When I was faced with an eye-wateringly wealthy ex who ran rings around me with his central london team of lawyers (while I was living on an extremely low income with our children), I did most of the legal stuff myself. Saw a barrister now and then to get some advice and to check I was on the right track. You could try Rights of Women who offer free legal advice. You could also give Womens Aid a call to get some legal pointers (yy it is predominantly a domestic abuse support service but the clue is in the name: you're a woman and you need aid.) If you're not at work you'd have time to gen up. Just a thought. There's a poster called olgaga on MN who is a mine of legal info. The legal board on MN is pretty good, too.

Comes to something when you have to do the legal stuff yourself, like having to rewire your own house. Still, it can be done and it's not all that complicated in the family courts. tbh I'm sure rewiring a house isn't that complicated (corgi cert notwithstanding).

Try not to be squashed by this. It's vile vile vile of him to do this, I'm so sorry.

springyticky Thu 21-Nov-13 21:06:02

btw I won (yay!)

(If I could just glory in that win a bit: it was so funny to see all his team - and vile him - poncing about, against just me! I did quake a bit but, no matter, I won. yay!)

cjel Thu 21-Nov-13 21:07:34

I always found I was upset when I'd had this sort of 'contact'. It will lift again 'WHAT' it really will(((hugs))) The being out of control is hard. Try and regain some control by deciding what you can do, maybe work towards getting the house done up and 'dressed' to sell by the time you go to mediation. Maybe get it valued ready or even tell him you want to market it. You can also get full disclosure of all his finances when you fike for divorce if mediation doesn't sort it.

Try not to worry about the process, it will happen in good time and you can go through it worried or unworried but the result will happen just the same.
Its ok to have low days they will end.

Just wallow tonight and get some restxx

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 21:22:25

I know it's a bit vulgar to talk money but as this is anonymous, the letter was £120 and if I want to have a few emails with my solicitor now it's an additional £250. If I go for full disclosure of his money (which I probably will have to do) it's £5k.

springy - I'm glad it worked out for you. My H has been saying through his sobs, that he will do the right thing by me - I read that as the right thing for him, give me a bit of money and then have a clear conscience to play his new game.

He is coming next Saturday to collect some stuff, I have asked if he will talk to me about a few things before mediation and he said he would. It was a strange text as in the past I've got, "fine", or "it's too emotional and we'll talk next year". He said "I didn't think you would talk to me but sure, that will be good" - I just don't know what to expect anymore.

Anyway, now I don't know what to talk about. I really can't think of anything.

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 21:23:11

By the way, I'm not money grabbing at all, never have been. I just need to secure my financial future for a while.

skyeskyeskye Thu 21-Nov-13 21:50:24

Yes what he will need to declare his finances in mediation and the same figures can then be transferred to form E so that saves a bit of legal time and the information on form E has to be legally correct.

I agree,that you should post in the legal boards because forewarned is forearmed.

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 21:58:36

We've both been given a Form E (mine's in draft). He should declare everything but he can't be trusted. Thanks, I might post in the legal forum.

BlueSkySunnyDay Thu 21-Nov-13 22:07:05

I agree get yourself onto legal and find out what you need to be asking him.

Nothing vulgar in talking about money...unless you are bragging how much you have.

So your manger, both solicitors and your husband are all ARSES....say LOUD it I am sure it will make you feel better wink 5K?????? (thud as I hit the floor!)

cjel Thu 21-Nov-13 22:07:20

I had to remind mine that he hadn't signed settlement agreement couple of weeks ago and After 2 years he did, but as is his way to have to have control, he said he'd like to procede with divorce and offered to pay half!!! I have covered every cost up till including some house sale costs I have got solicitor to reply that I am not in a position to cover any divorce costs. I think its about another 800 just for that. Its a rip off in a way.

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 22:11:53

My PIL are ARSES too!

BlueSkySunnyDay Thu 21-Nov-13 22:16:14

Now wasnt that therapeutic grin

whyme32 Thu 21-Nov-13 22:17:06

hi what,

I have been lurking on your threads since day 1 and can't believe how strong you have become since the start. You really are an inspiration to so many of us going through similar crap. There are regular points in my day where I think to myself 'If whatnext can do this, so can I'. You will come out of this legal shit the other side, just as you have done every other obstacle that has been thrown at you. You are brilliant x x x

redundantandbitter Thu 21-Nov-13 22:28:40

springyticky wow I am SOOO impressed. My DM was fleeced by my D in her divorce settle by and her a d 4 Dc's (me included) lived in poverty. She still has a maintenance agreement for .... Wait for it.... 5p a year. Yes, five whole pence a year. She could have done with you on her team!!!

what I am loving the use of ARSE !

redundantandbitter Thu 21-Nov-13 22:30:08

Seemed to have the ability to spell and type coherent sentences hmm

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 22:41:04

bluesky - yes it was and when my manager is being an arse, I just smile and remember that she is an arse - it helps.

whyme32 - I have had the most supportive advice on here and I take everything on board. I have to say out of all the posts, yours has been the most touching and I am humbled by what you have said xx

When I left my DS's violent Dad, I didn't take anything and was given tins of food by a church (before foodbanks), They all had white labels on and I didn't know if they were peaches or meat, I took 3 jobs, worked my way up, passed my driving test, bought a car when I got my first full time job - it was hard but I did it. When I was rock bottom, my DS was so worried about me. I told him he has a superhero as a Mum and this time it's just taking me a little while longer to get there. I know it will continue to be hard but I have to carry on. I certainly have my bad days but I will try anything to get back to me.

redundantandbitter Thu 21-Nov-13 23:02:33

Oh what ...peaches or meat sad. You have done bloody BRILLIANTLY. I feel like going round to your ex h's 'room' and giving him a reet good kick up the backside. Ooh .. Can I can I ?? He's an ARSE.

I think superhero should be your new name, or ARSE .. So much to choose from.

Whatnext074 Thu 21-Nov-13 23:13:39

I don't like peaches now - or tinned meat! Was grateful at the time. People are so kind and there's always someone who will help. I've been so down for 2 days and you have all helped me once again.

Think it set me back today as I mentioned I couldn't get warm today at work and a colleague said that she's not surprised as I'm 'wasting away'. She carried on saying how 'skinny' I had become (hate that word) and even involved someone else into her analysis to agree with her. I was upset but then I just thought to myself that she doesn't know the reason and I'm not going to justify it and made my excuses and walked away. I would never comment on someone's weight - unless I knew they were on a diet.

cjel Thu 21-Nov-13 23:25:43

Hate that when you start to feel bit better and someone says something like are you ok you look /tired/skinny/fed up.

Nothing like having supportive people around you to cheer you up!!!! Remember that saying 'I may be skinny now but you will always be a n ARSE'

Don't let the ARSES get you downxx

skyeskyeskye Thu 21-Nov-13 23:25:45

The heartbreak diet is the best but not one I would recommend to anyone sad

They are probably jealous but would be horrified if they knew the truth.

As you say, you have been through worse and come through it. It's not easy but you keep plodding on. One day you will realise that you haven't given him a second thought.

Regarding g finances, make sure that you write down everything that you think he has, savings etc, so that you can dispute it if he doesn't declare them. Pensions, savings, life insurance, loans, anything you know of at the time that he left.

I can't believe how horrendous the legal fees are! It's one of the reasons that I divorced XH so quickly because I qualified for legal aid. They changed the rules this year do you only qualify in you are in a DV relationship. (I think). So I had to divorce him before the legal aid ended! Plus I knew he'd get into debt so needed to sever all ties with him.

You are doing so well, but it will all be up a d down for a while.

redundantandbitter Thu 21-Nov-13 23:36:22

Hey what I know JUST how you feel. I have been there twice now. an acquaintance once made such a fuss about weight loss that I simply said 'heartbreak diet' and it stopped her in her tracks.

My boss is constantly trying to Lose weight (stop eating the crisps then) and keeps asking me how much I've lost (a stone). The way I see it, whatnext, is that I will eventually want to crack open the tin of Roses stashed in the cellar. And it'll be fine.., come round to mine and we'll eat them together! Another sherry, what

cjel Thu 21-Nov-13 23:38:49

Two years on and I've gone up to about half a stone bigger than I'd like to be, I should get more stress in my lifesmile or less chocolatesad

springyticky Fri 22-Nov-13 01:27:53

Nooooo don't ask for more stress cjel!!

I wasn't boasting about winning that case btw! Well, I was, but not about my prowess! Frankly, if I could do it, anybody could. Its just a case of plodding your way through it, it works like clockwork. I was no big shakes, just followed the rules (I had no choice. I couldn't afford a lawyer and couldn't get legal aid because I'd used it all up with ex's endless litigation - a form of abuse, now recognised.) The rules really aren't that complicated in family law.

Hope you sleep well tonight, What.

cjel Fri 22-Nov-13 10:11:38

OK springy I won't, Maybe less stress and less cakesmile

Morning WHAT, Hope you managed to switch off your mind a bit last nightx

BlueSkySunnyDay Fri 22-Nov-13 12:15:01

less stress and less cake I would say amen to say but I love cake grin

cjel Fri 22-Nov-13 12:49:16

just going out to meet a friend and cake will be involvedgrin

BlueSkySunnyDay Fri 22-Nov-13 12:53:29

Salad just not as enjoyable grin

redundantandbitter Fri 22-Nov-13 12:58:28

Cake and salad sound more enjoyable than plodding through full paperwork in my local police station. Yawn. A friend has asked me to the cinema tonight. Whoop

Whatnext074 Fri 22-Nov-13 13:06:41

Still not feeling great today. For the first time since H left, I haven't got anything planned for this weekend and my DS is away. I do have lots of things I could/should be doing round the house.

I have a pain in my chest today, had it since I woke up and it's still there and worse when I breathe in. I was doing well and even felt a little bit happy at times but I feel sad again and the pain in my chest isn't helping.

I am anxious about next Saturday and it's a week away! Not good to even be thinking about that now but I have said we'll talk and now I can't think, I really don't know what to talk about.

redundantandbitter Fri 22-Nov-13 14:34:58

Hey what - snap! I didn't have anything planned this weekend and my DDs at their d's. tomorrow is a whole day of Xmas shopping and Sunday I am
Volunteering . Is there someone you can visit - BIL's new baby? Or a friend that might meet for lunch? I would call round but its a long way for a brew ! Sorry to hear about your pain in the chest- what do you think it is?

I had counselling today and it always churns me up - sometimes helpful but not really today. Feels like we are going round in circles. When she says 'what do you want?' I reply I want him back. Doh, I find it so hard to accept he's gone. What's the news on counselling for yourself?

Worry about next week , next week . Have yourself a lovely weekend first x

Whatnext074 Fri 22-Nov-13 17:33:58

Thanks R&B. The pain is anxiety. It'll pass.

I've been out every weekend since H left and it's a lot of driving so I have decided not to visit family this weekend. If I need to, then I can pop and see a friend, am not in a great frame of mind at the moment though.

It hasn't helped as I checked up on something, not FB, I'm still off that. Just that I know he's buying things to create memories he's had with OW, it's things that we used to buy to remember our special places. I only looked as I was keeping an eye on his spending as he's a liar and I don't trust him to declare everything in mediation. It's like he's having the same relationship with her as he did with me.

bluebirdwsm Fri 22-Nov-13 17:52:12

Hi what. It's probably a good thing to have a weekend at home, on your own. It's another thing to conquer and overcome - and you will! Weekends can be difficult - but they just need 'reframing'.

Just make a small list:....make some cakes/shortbread...e mail a the weekend a little Christmas shopping...write some Christmas cards [yes I know it's a bit early, but then it's done...look for a pressie for BIL's baby...try a new recipe...go for a long walk if it's sunny...sort out cupboards...maybe bag up some of H's clothes/stuff if it makes you feel better...go to the cinema on your own...ask a friend round...and treat yourself! You wont know where the time went!

The worst thing is just floating around with no plan, wondering what to do. Just know you are going to win this and not give your precious time and thoughts away to someone who has hurt you so much. However if you have a tear or two that's fine too. Weekend are for processing the past week and recharging, however we do it.

I think the chest pain is anxiety as you say. I hope you feel better tomorrow, buy yourself some more flowers, you certainly deserve them. Take care of yourself. X

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Nov-13 19:28:28

Hey whatnext....
Sorry to hear you've had a low few days.

The commenting in your weight thing is so annoying!! I remember being stressed over break up, dd2 teething and still b feeding, toddler dd being up every few hours, early dash to nursery, pushing double buggy up a big hill jumping on the bus, finally bursting through the doors of work like a loony as I was late and some ARSE saying "oooh, you ok? You look really tired. Are you?".....wanted to sink to my knees and scream "f-ing tired????? F-ing tired?????? Aaaarrrghhhhh". Just don't know why people think they can comment in somebody else's appearance?! Rude!!! How's work going generally. Has your manager backed off a bit?

A weekend at home, pottering won't be a bad thing. You prob need to have some down time. You can snooze when you like and maybe rejuvenate a bit. Online shipping for Xmas pressies might be a good plan. Maybe do some rearranging of things indoors- change your bedro round, but some new bed linen and pretty cushions. It's going to be freezing outside anyway this weekend so think indoors is the best place.

Your description of your time on the early days if leaving ds 's dad sounds awful. You've been to rock bottom
Before're a survivor. The financial thing- you are in no way a money grabber to get every penny you're entitled to. You d worked your arse off to come back from nothing and it would be a travesty of your future financial security was damaged by this arse of a man and his actions.

I know it hurts that he is doing the same things with her as he did with you. However, think how pathetic it is that the ow has the same things from him/ does same things for her as you He did with you. Urgh.

You are unrecognisable from that Saturday night. You are totally different from the whatnext t who posted last time he collected are awesome. Your lovely, kind character and good nature permeates from your posts and that is why you have so many of us are rooting you on. We are with you every step whatnext.

cake and brew or a wine to start the weekend.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Nov-13 19:30:51

Hugs to you too r and b. the counselling sounds gruelling.

flowers xx

Whatnext074 Fri 22-Nov-13 20:43:05

Thank you - you've reminded me, I will buy some more flowers.

I will do some sorting out of the house, might help my frame of mind.

My H's texts have been of a really nice, polite tone. He's text me tonight as well, I haven't replied.

Your lovely, kind character and good nature permeates from your posts and that is why you have so many of us are rooting you on. We are with you every step whatnext.

Thank you for your lovely, kind words about me xx

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Nov-13 20:50:04

You've done well not to won't help you.

I meant every word. You're doing yourself proud my lovely.

X ps- yes yes to the flowers smile always make a home look lovely I think

Whatnext074 Fri 22-Nov-13 20:53:34

Last time I bought myself a huge bunch of flowers, it really lifted my mood. Just lovely to see them every day. I'd recommend it to anyone, so glad bluebird reminded me.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 22-Nov-13 21:41:48

The bigger the better...enough to split into two bunches...that's what I do! Half in the hall and half in the living room...I'm going to treat myself tomorrow too smile x

redundantandbitter Fri 22-Nov-13 22:53:03

Hi what. Your h is still texting? What about? And do you reply, like you haven't got enough to think about.

Hope your anxiety has dropped a little - I see you are off out to buy flowers tomorrow. Whoop!

mama is right (of course) you are a lovely kind person. Bloody strong and capable too. Ab Fab !

mrscraig Sat 23-Nov-13 11:33:16

Hi what x how are you doing today? Thinking of you xx

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 13:47:40

Pain in my chest has gone thank goodness.

I sent him some post (he still hasn't/won't redirect his mail). I also put some photos in that I found of his family (I was in them too) but I felt it was his decision to keep them. He text to say he really appreciates the photos and also to ask me about the cost of mediation. It was in the letter that he received so don't know why he had to ask me.

I just get the odd text but I haven't replied.

I think he's being polite to keep me sweet so I don't file for divorce at the moment as he probably knows he can be asked to pay my legal costs. I'm not stupid.

Thank you for messages xx

mrscraig Sat 23-Nov-13 15:14:26

You're right about him wanting to keep you sweet. Just remember you need to do what keeps you happy.
Can't advise too much as I am at a loss what to do most of time!
Enjoy your day. Have you been busy doing nothing?! X

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 15:22:55

Yes mrscraig, I haven't done much today but will do some housework soon with music playing loud.

How are things with you? Do you have a thread?x

BlueSkySunnyDay Sat 23-Nov-13 15:26:19

Its sad that it is necessary what but it is good to see you becoming wiser to his ulterior motives.

mrscraig Sat 23-Nov-13 15:30:17

No I don't have a recent thread. But am ok.
I can only do housework with music playing!
I echo last post about how you are beginning to see the true him and not the person you thought you knew. That is more progress x

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 15:32:33

Yes, sadly I have stopped trying to work out if there is any glimmer of him being 'nice' because he cares about me. I learnt that through conversations when he sobs but only talks about how this has impacted him and how I have no idea of the pain I'm in. It's all about him and he mentions money a lot about how we could've sorted it all out rather than involving solicitors. It is all about his money and also about how he feels. Does he think I'm stupid to believe his sad manipulation?

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 15:33:18

*pain he's in...

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 16:12:19

He's text me again saying £* is too much for mediation!! Perhaps he can afford it if he stops paying for lavish hotels for him and OW!!!

He probably doesn't even realise that any money he spends on OW gets taken into account as I'm his wife and our money should still be for each other until this is sorted. I won't tell him that though as he'll just find another way to pay for these things underhand.

I have just replied to his questions saying it's all in the solicitor's letter. Why question me?!

mrscraig Sat 23-Nov-13 16:43:27

I'm so sorry he's being such am utter shit. I think when money is involved you really see their true selves.
Just keep your eye on the ball lovely. You will get the through this. He truly doesn't deserve you and you certainly are better off without this poison in your life.
Try not to respond to him. I know it's bloody hard but it seems he wants it all on his terms and is struggling to let you out of his clutches. What a fuckwit. As soooooo many others have said you are an amazing, genuine person who radiates loveliness xx

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 16:47:31

Thank you mrscraig. You are right for me not to reply but on occasions, it's relentless and after not replying for days, he sends one saying please respond to my texts. It's like he's bored or something. I just sent, it's all in the solicitor letter and he hasn't replied so I think that will be it. I'm not engaging in any details with him.

Thank you for your kind words xx

BlueSkySunnyDay Sat 23-Nov-13 17:43:17

You are too kind, he sounds horrible (but then I guess how can you get worse than the night you were suicidal and he wouldnt speak to you) what a self centered ARSE.

He made the decision to go this route - how telling that the only thing to get him communicating with you is £££££

You were way too good for him smile

I am concerned that he will try to bully you next week do you have a plan for when you see him?

BlueSkySunnyDay Sat 23-Nov-13 17:46:08

He seems to feel you have some obligation to respond to his communications - I think its quite acceptable for you to ignore if you want and in fact if he keeps bullying you id be tempted to block him (but then im not as nice as you) grin

cjel Sat 23-Nov-13 19:01:48

Just a quick note - I think that mediation is the cheap option! If you can't agree their then you do it through solicitors and full disclosure, so it'll be more of a shock if he doesn't want to do that.

Don't allow him to throw you from the path you are making for yourselfx

BlueSkySunnyDay Sat 23-Nov-13 22:47:55

I think hes hoping to negoiate a deal between themselves, hence now communicating and playing nice - sounds like you have your head screwed on over this though what.

Whatnext074 Sat 23-Nov-13 23:01:31

You're right bluesky - but what he keeps saying he'll offer me isn't enough for me to start again. He says it will pay for rent for me for a couple of years and that's enough.

I've invested 11 years of my life with a man who I thought I'd grow old with, we own our own home and he thinks he's doing the right thing (as he says) by offering me money to pay rent for 2 years! Sadly, in these circumstances it does come down to money and he thinks I have no rights as we have no DCs together, he's wrong.

Yes cjel I agree, mediation is the cheaper option - for now x

cjel Sun 24-Nov-13 00:01:47

I got a solicitor to draw up what I wanted( and some things I didn't so we could negotiate) Then when he'd had time to think of the options(Paying money out to solicitor or mediator) I emailed and said we should meet to thrash it out, I chose to go to his office so he couldn't 'play up' and he said he could fit me in for 30mins!
I went and stayed for over 2 hours. I was shaking and scared at the thought of seeing him and some friends at college advised that if he got angry treat him like an angry client and stay silent until he'd finished. I did and when he'd calmed down and I'd very quietly told him I needed to get this sorted as I wanted to move on and seeing how cross he still got I wasn't sure he'd finished with his love for me(He had tears when I said that)
I let him rant and we sorted it all out and I got what I wanted.!!!

Whatnext074 Sun 24-Nov-13 00:14:10

Well done cjel.

I too drew up what I wanted in my solicitor's letter , with more so we could negotiate but, he has since seen a solicitor and has refused to answer any of the questions so mediation is my only option.

He can contact me again and again saying I didn't need to do this but then when my solicitor sends him a letter, he refuses to answer it. I think he's in for a shock with what he will be required to pay out. Like I said, I'm not a money grabber but I won't be played for a fool either.

Zhx3 Sun 24-Nov-13 00:43:12

Hi What,
It all sounds relentless and draining, you have been so strong applauds.

Sorry, but your h sounds like an utter ARSE!! How sad that he holds such blatant double standards in what he expects from you, but what he expects of himself.

Stay strong. Don't let him take you for a fool. You have many of us here willing you on x.

Whatnext074 Sun 24-Nov-13 00:48:59

Thank you Zhx3 - it helps to have the support on here.

It is draining which is why I booked mediation for 2 months time so I can be stronger. He truly believes he has done nothing wrong and he's doing the right thing.

I hope when I see him next Saturday he looks awful. That's bad of me I know.


I'm so pleased you are taking legal advice and reading through the cracks. Net net there is a legal precedent for what is 'reasonable' (for both of you) -- and whilst he may not like it that is the case. My ex-H tried to play with my emotions in dangling carrot of possible reconciliation in front of me when negotiating (and in our case most of money mine so 'lost' out and not screwing him at all) but best foot forward is in taking what is 'usual' from professional expertise and leaving at that.

Please pay little attention to what he things is reasonable and pay attention to what your advise is. In this day and age we have moved on from the 60s when perhaps it was punitive for men and (IMHO) in a world where often women are penalised pension and continuity of earnings wise -- so head up, forge ahead and do what you feel is right (inc. mediation)-- btw I hope things are diff in UK -- where I am ex had field day with our/my saving son luxury holidays with OW and never saw a penny back....

hey ho x

BlueSkySunnyDay Sun 24-Nov-13 16:11:03

From what I have heard from friends its not unusual for them to use the "we can still be friends/may reconcile/I cant take this pressure" as a carrot/inducement to get what they want. I think you need to be prepared for this - if at any point you feel yourself starting to waver and soften toward him then take a deep breath, walk into another room and recoup.

I have no idea what you should be entitled to but 2 years rent doesnt sound like much to walk out of the marriage with, my gut feeling is he is trying it on. If he really is the caring man he likes to think himself then he needs to supply your solicitor with the required information. I agree with the person who said the way to go is to ask for more than you want the negotiate down to what you are actually due.

I may have not contributed as much financially over the years H & I have been together but he now has a home worth money rather than a rather depressing house - im on the deeds so 50% would be mine...I have joked if he ran off with another woman it will be "the most expensive mistake you have ever made"

Whatnext074 Sun 24-Nov-13 16:42:25

Thank you both x

bluesky - I will do that and take some time out to breathe and maintain my composure. After all, if he was as reasonable as he says he is, he would have answered my solicitor's questions, he didn't answer one! I think he is playing a game, trying to get me to feel sorry for him, after all, he knows how to push my buttons.

When he talks, it sounds like his mother is talking. The things he offers me and what he says his rights are, sound just like something his parents would say.

Next Saturday I will maintain my strength, walk out the room to gather myself when I need to and try to stay strong. I still hope he looks terrible though.

springytickly Sun 24-Nov-13 18:39:26

Me too. I hope he's hanging and his guts spill out

Bit much? Sorry if so.

BlueSkySunnyDay Sun 24-Nov-13 19:27:23

I do think his reasons for talking directly, rather than via the solicitor, are manipulative - he thinks he will coerce you into accepting less in person - I would love to be wrong.

You have a week to practice sweeping bad thoughts out of your head and deep breathing if you get stressed smile you do sound much more in control...shame you have to be in this position but at least you are now strong enough to not let him walk all over you and take advantage.

Did you not get on with his parents?

Whatnext074 Sun 24-Nov-13 20:34:14

I got on great with PIL but his DM changed towards me as soon as we got engaged. She has a strange relationship with him and I probably didn't see the signs before we got engaged but when I met her for the first time, she said that I took him away from her and now she would have to do all the cooking (my H loved cooking and was very good at it). She was horrible to me on my hen and kept her distance from me on our wedding day.

I got on very well with FIL but then he turned strange as well, too much of her influence. She is the same with my SIL. My H never backed me up when I felt MIL had gone too far. It was the only thing we ever argued about. She was very unsympathetic when we lost our 2 little ones. She's cold.

bluesky - you are right, he knows it will cost him less if it's not the legal route, he's actually told me this and said I will end up with nothing if I involve solicitors.

springy shock x

cjel Sun 24-Nov-13 21:56:28

when we discussed money,H kept telling me that 'no court in the land would give me maintenance'(they would but I had no intention of being tied to him) and that he had no money- I pointed out the fine dining and constant weekends away and he said he wasn't doing it all, she had money. I responded very calmly 'well her X thought she was worth looking after then' he opened and shut his mouth like a goldfishsmile!!
Stay calm and strong WHAT!!

Whatnext074 Sun 24-Nov-13 22:22:26

It's horrible that it does come down to money. I've never been money orientated. It hurt when he constantly reminded me over 2 months that he has no obligation to me as "we have no kids". It was said with such venom and I will never forget the children we lost.

He can't be well.

redundantandbitter Sun 24-Nov-13 22:44:57

Hi what your MIL sounds plain weird!

Plod on calmly with the finances. He's getting narky coz he probably doesn't want the extra hassle - what with him living by himself and having to do all his own shopping etc! He doesn't want to have to sit down and start negotiating as its 'difficult'. Well, he's going to have to swallow it. Tough.

Calm what , you're doing brilliantly

enlightenmequick Mon 25-Nov-13 10:14:19

He's in self preservation mode.

You need to get in it to, and don't let the fact that you are not money orientated distract you.

You were together 12 years, you are married and it was an equal partnership (he was/is not more worthy) and by the same token, he has no kids either, so he doesn't need or deserve anything more than 50%.

2 years rent money. shock

He thinks he's doing you a favour there I think. He's a bloody arsehole.

I have posted before but nc.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 25-Nov-13 10:19:49

Agree completely with enlighten.

Totally equal partnership. Nothing less than 50% each of everything.

I know you're not money orientated and it's awful that you have to be cynical and untrusting to somebody you were so in love with (and still love) but self preservation is the way forward for you. Don't let him rob you of the secure future you deserve.

Hope you're ok today whatnext

enlightenmequick Mon 25-Nov-13 11:20:58

Just been looking around for a quote on self preservation.

(Kids are at school/nursery, and I did the housework yesterday it's this or drink wink )

And found an absolutely brilliant one, that takes into account both your persona.

'Beauty should never lower it's guard around appetite' caroline Shay

Whatnext074 Mon 25-Nov-13 13:20:03

That's perfect enlighten, thank you. I will remember about self preservation.

I'm glad I booked mediation for 2 month stime, it seems I still have a lot to learn and need to get tougher.

Thank you mamma, 3 hours sleep last night but feel okay today. Might crash and burn tomorrow but hopefully not. Couldn't get this all out of my head and the betrayal. Will try and focus on different things before Saturday to keep my mind occupied.

Is difficult having NC as he won't take all his flipping stuff. I'll tell him on Saturday it's got to go. If he's left - then LEAVE!

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 25-Nov-13 18:15:28

I think you would not be unreasonable to ask him to take all his stuff - so what he doesnt have room, boohoo not your problem grin

GenevievePettigrew Mon 25-Nov-13 20:39:18

Can you pack it up for him this time, what?

redundantandbitter Mon 25-Nov-13 20:46:04

It's hard what you can either pack it all up for him, saves him a job . Or you ask him to take it ALL next week and then have him faff about taking his time / not have anywhere to store it. The bottom line is he has moved himself out and needs to take his bumf with him. He isn't coming back so why leave you surrounded by his things? Coz he's not thinking of you, sorry hun. Didn't mean that to sound harsh.

Whatnext074 Mon 25-Nov-13 20:58:14

I agree, the more I think about it, the more unreasonable he's being. I know he says that it's his house too and he can store things here but it's really not fair on me and my DS to be surrounded by it. There's even a huge cupboard that we can't get into because it's full of his tools. The clothes in the full wardrobe are just cruel. I might pack those up for him. I have a few bags that me and DS have sorted out (2 months ago)! He hasn't even looked at them and they are on his side of the bed - I need them out.

I will be firm on Saturday and tell him to take them to his parent's or his OW. Why should we be surrounded by it? He's tortured me enough. It's just because he can't bear to sort through it all - or can't be bothered but it's not good enough. He left almost 10 weeks ago!

redundantandbitter Mon 25-Nov-13 21:53:55

He can take his stuff to his parents, to his OW or charity shop. If he hasn't needed it in the last 10 weeks (is it that long?) then does he really need it at all? Nope. It's tricky coz you are NC but he could do with having the heads up about a total clear out on Saturday. He can't keep popping up whenever he fancies coz it's churning for you (and takes up a valuable Saturday when you could be doing something FAR more glam).

We'll all be with you on Saturday, anyway .. looks around for hot pants and Pom poms get the hobnobs in