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Please help me before everything is ruined

(76 Posts)
LittleBlondeNinja Sun 03-Nov-13 00:56:39

Please help me.
Background ds is 2.5 he is great going through the terrible twos but great, Been with dp not ds real daddy for 6 months and things have gone awful - he is literally still here because of me beggin him not to leave.
DS sometimes calls him by his name but daddy most of the time.

Its mostly my fault. I am very insecure and in a way controlling I guess - dp works and supports us he gives me money to sort bills etc etc, recently ds has been real hard work tantrums and laughing when getting told off and im at the end of my tether...my problem is I feel like im putting dp before ds - dp wants ds to know its wrong to kick etc and so do I but im more lax and he Is more strict - and more shouty than me. DS is pushing me to limits literally clenching teeth when I put him back in naughty corner for 6 millionth time

So, what roles should DP have after 6 months in terms of ds? What should I be expecting? What is a do and a don't? He shouts over the noise of his tantrum and explains what he done wrong and why he been in naughty corner and places him in naughty corner? I don't agree with hitting so we do not hit - I have smacked bum 3 times in the whole of his life in bad tempered shit headed rage but not hard and not to hurt. What the hell should I be expecting??

Help....

Also need to wean ds off calling dp daddy - ideas?

Bogeyface Sun 03-Nov-13 01:57:32

After 6 months he shouldnt have met your boyfriend, never mind this man having any role in his discipline.

I know how hard it is to be a single parent, but do not just throw your self in with any man just in order to not be alone. Finish your relationship and you will probably find that you and your son are a lot happier.

PS. what on earth is a 2.5 yr child doing that he needs the naughty corner?! Stop that for a start.

Bogeyface Sun 03-Nov-13 01:58:16

None of you are happy, why put your son through this?

agree with bogeyface.

don't worry about dp stop begging him and do whats best for your ds. six months isn't much of a history to let go of.

viperslast Sun 03-Nov-13 02:14:44

Stop putting dp first. Being a parent is tough enough without trying to be the parent someone else thinks you should be! Your child is barely more than a baby and is now learning right and wrong, he won't learn by having it hammered home at this stage because they are also learning to resist and to assert themselves.

Honestly, if your dp is having to be begged to stay after 6 months because of a 2.5yo child they are probably not cut out for the long haul. Wrt the daddy thing just gently correct him and ensure you never use it yourself, he can only have got it from yourself and your partner so ensure your partner does the same.

lunar1 Sun 03-Nov-13 02:34:58

You are far too dependant on what is basically a new boyfriend. How have you got to the stage within 6 months that you are living together and relying on his money for bills. You need to find your own identity

LovesBeingHereAgain Sun 03-Nov-13 02:40:08

Why is he calling him daddy?

This all seems to have happened very quickly. There is no point in shouting over a tantrum, they can't hear you and certainly son take anything in.

At 6 months it's not your dp's place to parent his way he doesn't get to tell you how to parent.

He shouldn't even be in his life after just 6 months.

You need to cool this down drastically and immediately.

Tbh, it doesn't sound great for any of you. Can't you pay bills yourself?

sugarandspite Sun 03-Nov-13 02:43:46

Just a slightly different perspective from me (although agree with above posters).

My DS is also 2.5 and a pretty average kid. He wouldn't have any clue what the naughty corner was all about - I'd probably have more success with my dog. He is like a small rather crazy tyrant exploring the world with very little idea yet what's right and wrong and even when he does know something is naughty, he rarely has enough impulse control to think it, want to do it and hold himself back from doing it. He's really still quite a large baby.

So DH and I don't punish, we explain why we don't do things (sometimes in a very serious voice) and then we distract him / physically remove item or move him to another area so he is not being given opportunity to do the naughty thing.
Shouting at him just teaches him that that's a good way to behave and he'll listen to you less.

It doesn't sound to me that you want to manage / discipline your DS like this. So don't. You're his mother, anyone else (apart from his father possibly) has to follow your lead in parenting him.

Please stand up for your child and how you want to raise him.

JeanSeberg Sun 03-Nov-13 03:04:06

I've reported this OP - smacked his bum 3 times in bad tempered shit headed rage? Wow.

You've reported it? Why? What on earth do you think MN can or will do?

You don't need to shout or really discipline a child that age. You just need to show love and compassion. There is no such thing as a naughty child. Children just react to their experiences and experiment with their world. Talk to you son all the time and explain things. Use distraction to avoid situations, cuddle him a lot, make sure you get out everyday so he can expell energy. Deter your partner from shouting as it's not helpful. Single parenting is hard.

Chottie Sun 03-Nov-13 03:29:15

Dear OP - your DS should be at the centre of your life. Please do not allow your BF to bully you and your DS. This man does not sound like a keeper on any level - let him go now......

Bogeyface Sun 03-Nov-13 03:47:43

Reported it?! Why?

Its MNHQ not social services you are contacting, or do you not get that?!

GoshAnneGorilla Sun 03-Nov-13 04:39:23

This is too much, way too soon after only 6 months.

The begging him to stay part is a huge red flag.

As is your boyfriend just shouting at your DS. He's not going to understand the shouting anyway. Is your boyfriend constantly pressuring you to be stricter and frankly, to be more unkind to your DS?

With two year olds, it's more about keeping them occupied, steering them away from things they shouldn't be doing, rather then heavy handed discipline. Tantrums are best ignored, they soon get bored and snap out of it.

So keeping stuff you don't want them to touch out of the way, making sure they get lots of chances to burn off energy each day, things like that.

What do your friends and family think of your boyfriend?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 03-Nov-13 04:48:51

This is worrying and sad

Get rid of your boyfriend and do not move anyone else that quickly into your house

Do not accept money from a man - it makes you beholden to them. Fine when you've taken things slowly and they have eventually moved in but not in these circumstances

Do not - leave your boyfriend unattended with your DS. He does not appear to have appropriate childcare skills

Featherbag Sun 03-Nov-13 05:12:19

I agree with previous posters - after 6m you should only just be thinking about introducing your boyfriend to your child, and then only if everything was going well! Put your child first FGS, this man is not a permanent fixture! Throw him out, then get in touch with your HV and ask for some support.

Chubfuddler Sun 03-Nov-13 05:19:48

Dear me.

Agree with everyone else. Why on earth is a bloke you've been dating for six months being called daddy by your toddler, and basically living with you? It's much much too soon.

Listen to the posters above about how to manage your son's more challenging behaviour (and believe me I know 2.5 year olds are challenging, my second child is that age and mini tyrant is an apt description).

If you're begging you boyfriend to stay clearly things aren't marvellous between you; six months in things should be marvellous. Honestly, it's only downhill from here.

Ditch the boyfriend; get yourself to sure start. Stay on mn. Build a network of supportive friends. Do not allow any "daddy" crap with the next guy you date. Put your child first.

SavoyCabbage Sun 03-Nov-13 05:42:17

Really, Bogeyface has summed it all up. Nobody is happy here.

It sounds like everything has moved far too quickly. You and your boyfriend haven't had time to build the relationship between the two of you without talking about gas bills and parenting styles.

FolkGirl Sun 03-Nov-13 06:48:18

Agree with everyone else.

I haven't nothing to add, this is shocking and very sad. sad

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 07:48:32

A 2 and a half year old should not be put in a naughty corner 6 times. He shouldn't be smacked (I'm horrified). He shouldn't be shouted at, especially not by a man he's known for 6 months.

Did you post before?? You referred to yourselves as 'a little family' after 6 months. Is this the man who tried to end it but you asked him to stay? Forgive me if I'm wrong.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 07:52:47

Gosh has explained it well in her post above...

You do t need to discipline a 2 year old- they are not naughty as an older chd might be. They're scoring the world. When he's doing something you've to him not to, distract him. "No, mummy told you not to do that...come on , lets play with this...wow !!! Look at it, come on open the box, lets get stuck in!!!!"

Do you reward good behaviour?? Do you actually spend enough time with him without your boyfriend of 6 months there?

cloudskitchen Sun 03-Nov-13 08:01:22

If anyone but me tried to discipline my child they would be out of the door before their feet could touch the ground!

As others have said, you seem to have got yourself into this position very quickly. I would cool it down a whole lot. Live separately. Date! and then work out if the relationship is going to work with you and your son. Your son needs to have top priority.

Regarding smacking. Please don't. Especially not because you've lost control. He is only little. There are many other ways of teaching right and wrong!

Childrenofthestones Sun 03-Nov-13 08:07:36

"I've reported this OP - smacked his bum 3 times in bad tempered shit headed rage? Wow."

Is that how it works round here? Wow.

I just came back to see if the op had even back and have re-read the posts. I don't know if she she will come back now given she has been judged severely. She did ask for help because she recognised it was needed which is really a massive step. OP if you are reading I hope you are your ds are ok.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Sun 03-Nov-13 09:22:38

spring - to be fair, there are a lot of very worrying statements in the original post

Lots of posters have given good, practical advice.

Because its fairly clear cut, the alternative is to say to the OP that yes, she should let this stranger because that's essentially what he is treat her child badly and that she should prioritise her relationship with him overhear relationship with her DS - not on.

What is vey clear from the Serious Case Reviews that are issued unfortunately from time to time is that one of the biggest risks to children is an unrelated male living in their house. That is a matter of fact. I am not saying that the OP's boyfriend is suddenly going to do something awful but there are red flags in this post and it's better that they are honestly addressed rather than putting the OP's feeling above her DS's needs - another theme that has also been recently identified in various case reviews

viperslast Sun 03-Nov-13 09:34:06

Children, no it isn't hence the post still being here! Hq would only pull the thread if they thought the poster was a troll or had risked outing herself.

Op, hope you have managed to get something helpful from these posts by reading around the more harsh stuff. Mners can be a bit call it as ya see it at times!

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 09:48:39

Just re read your op again.

You have the example of kicking. Of course at 2.5 he needs to know its wrong. What I used to do when my dd went through a stage of hitting me was to hold her hands away from me, (after catching her mid hit) and saying in a very firm voice "no, that makes mummy very sad, don't hit me please" and show a very visibly sad/cross face.

The shouting just won't work- you'll end up with a shouty boy. The hitting wont work- you'll end up with a violent little boy.

You say he's there because you've begged him to stay. Please op, be realistic. If your dp doesn't want to be with you 100 % and its doing harm to your little boy then why cling to this situation?

Please put your boy first.

flowers for you, I think this thread will be hard for you to read but please consider what people have said.

notapizzaeater Sun 03-Nov-13 09:56:44

I agree with the other posters, 6 months is far too soon. Is dad still on the scene ? Can he help at all ?

whattodoo Sun 03-Nov-13 09:59:45

I agree with clouds. Tell your DP to leave, and go back to dating. Get support from HV or sure start center regarding discipline and behavior. With just the two of you, you can address the behaviour in a far calmer and more consistent way.
Is DS's bio father in the picture? Do you have friends/family to babysit while you go out on dates with boyfriend?
It needs to be clear that no one disciplines except you, and that he is not your child's daddy.

Breezy1985 Sun 03-Nov-13 10:08:07

I agree with everyone else really, I've been seeing someone for almost 6 months and haven't even thought about introducing my DC yet, they know I have a 'friend' who comes round sometimes when they're in bed etc..

You really do need to get some help, have you got any friends/family to babysit, talk to your hv. I had homestart round in the early days, they weren't for me but I can see why they are for others.

Your op is so sad sad though I do see that you know you need to do something, slow things down with your dp maybe and concentrate on your DS, you will get there.

WearingAnUmbrellaHat Sun 03-Nov-13 10:12:17

I've been with my bf 5 months and have DS (10) so admittedly a bit easier than a 2.5 year old. The closest he gets to being involved in discipline is telling him to say please and thank you and telling him not to be rude if he is but tbh, my friends do this anyway. This man has got too close too fast and you should not have let him.

LittleBlondeNinja Sun 03-Nov-13 22:11:48

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 03-Nov-13 22:16:31

The poster shouldn't have reported as it was pointless.

However....you do have to accept that many people think even 3 times is too much. There are people with grown children who managed not to hit them EVER in their child's whole childhood.

It's interesting you focus on this and don't comment on lots of the other helpful posts, you could have done that even on your phone surely?

Chubfuddler Sun 03-Nov-13 22:27:40

Oh dear oh dear

OP I don't think it's so much that you have occasionally smacked your DS (giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming it was just a light tap) but more that you say you did it in a "shit headed rage"

To me that sounds a bit chilling and may suggest some anger issues, especially as you say you don't like smacking.

FolkGirl Sun 03-Nov-13 22:35:21

Besides, you smacked what is little more than a baby in a "shit headed rage" and your boyfriend of 6 months shouts at him.

And whilst ThisIsMyRealName is giving the benefit of the doubt, the reality is that a smack in a "shit headed rage" is unlikely to be a 'light tap'.

Your child deserves better.

Gosh OP

I don't really know where to start apart from to echo what PP have said.....get that man out of your house, go and see your HV and ask for help.

It's not ok to have only smacked a 2.5 year

*old 3 times in his whole life.....you dick

That is not ok, seriously not ok.

You're coming across like you have a lot of anger issues, maybe see your GP about this.

Stop taking money off him, do you work? Do you claim benefits? Is your DS real dad in the picture? Do you have family?

GoshAnneGorilla Sun 03-Nov-13 23:54:58

OP you need to take the time to read what people have said properly.

This is important. This about your child and how you nurture and protect him.

Gobilino - Yes, I would say the OP is a classic example of how dangerous unrelated males in the home can be.

LittleBlondeNinja Mon 04-Nov-13 09:59:34

Skimmed on phone again
Everytime i have smacked him bum it has always always been thru a nappy and a tap enough to shock bur not to hurt especially thru a nappy the term shit headed rage is literally the point of breaking point and not influcted on ds at all. Real dad not on scene at all. Some real good points there and some utter twats who have wrecked mumsnet....
i agree in my perfect world 6months is too soon to live together etc but at end of day life aint petfect. Dp and ds do have a great relationship and we have new rules in place in terms of dissapline its very hard to displine him myself as he laughs or hurts me plus with the fact ive been ill with 2 operations recently naughty ds breakin everything doesnt help also grandparents etv ignore my rules which is another tjing not helping

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 10:11:48

No, life isn't perfect but you can still have boundaries and standards.

You've kind of changed your tune now...now you say they have a great relationship. Really? He shouts at him?? He's 2.5...that really is a baby.

Personally I don't think it matters if you've smacked through a nappy or not, you still lost your temper and hot a very small child.

What things does he break? Is it really him being 'naughty' of just a typical 2 year old? We're they things that should have been kept out of his reach? Or do you think he was doing it deliberately, for attention?

I agree with other posters who say sure start/ children's centre might give you advice on how to discipline.

LittleBlondeNinja Mon 04-Nov-13 10:13:16

Dp disiplines in terms off manners, telling not to hit the dog or me, stopping him.breaking things, genreal stuff like that like my friends would do. Nothing out of the norm. I am with ds 5days a week on own as dp works so i do most of the displine and reweard etc

LittleBlondeNinja Mon 04-Nov-13 10:18:16

He only shouts when he is doing something naughty like pinching the dogs ears and throwing at the tv and ita not always shouting its more of a hey shout then stern voice saying no dont do that becausw etc etc..if u get me??

Im not proud of smacking his bum and tbh he didnt even cry or flinch when i did it thats how bad it wa for him but i had to try a new tactic as one i had wasnt working!! I now explain why he shouldnt be doing summat twice and if he carrys on he is put in naughty step or corner to think why ive told him no etc

LittleBlondeNinja Mon 04-Nov-13 10:19:46

Dp and ds do have a good relationship.in genral.ita not like he comes in shouting.gernreally they play make things and cuddle alot...think alot.of.people havw.got this wrong as if.all it is is shouting but its not

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 10:27:52

It is really hard when they go through a difficult phase. Have you tried ignoring and distraction?

When he laughs try walking away. When I do that to dd1 (3.5) she follows me and usually tries to cuddle or re engage with me. I ask her 'are you ready to be kind?' Or something and when she agrees I say 'lets try again then'. Give cuddles etc.

It's very hard at 2 because they can't be reasoned with. Distraction is the main thing to use at 2 I think. When he throws something...tell him 'no' but then very quickly get him engrossed in something else.

Do you take him to toddler groups? Do you have a children's centre near you? I took mine to a group twice a week, they had snack etc and brilliant toys and activities all for £2 a session.

In some areas, if you're on low income the government also offer nursery hours for free for 2.5 year olds. It might help him to mix with other children and have other people disciplining too.

Cabrinha Mon 04-Nov-13 10:29:21

At 2.5 he can't "think about why you said no". Seriously. At that age, it's all about telling them (not shouting or hitting) "no". I always explained to my child why, but didn't expect it to go in - the no came first.

Your child MUST be disciplined by you. You cannot get yourself into a situation where you leave it to your partner because it's too hard for you. Your son will behave for your partner, and not for you, eventually.

Go to Sure Start and see if they have a parenting course - often do, with crèche, and lots of good tips for coping. Are you in an area with free nursery places from 2 not 3? Maybe you could do with a break, and if you're sufficiently recovered from operation, look for work too.

You're begging him to stay - so he's not a keeper. You need to work out how to parent and support yourself on your own.

Whose dog is it? I may be unpopular here, but I don't understand why you have a dog and child if you cant afford (?) to support your child yourself - spending out on a dog, really? - and if your child pinches the dog's ears and you can't stop it, and you're having problems generally. You don't need the added responsibility of a dog. If the dog came with the boyfriend - let it go with the boyfriend.

As for weaning off calling daddy - simple, EVERY time, you just say "not daddy, Billy". Or whatever. But really - get rid of the boyfriend - he's not the one.

Leverette Mon 04-Nov-13 10:35:15

If he's laughing at you or hurting you when you attempt to discipline him, you really need to get some professional behavioural advice into your family. At the moment you have some control because he's small and you have your DP. Once either of those things change your DS will be totally out of control and with a life long lack of respect for you.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 10:48:45

I agree op, really sorry but your dp doesn't sound like a keeper.

Please focus your energies entirely on your ds, I think it sounds like he really needs all of you at the moment. I know it's hard but a troublesome relationship will not be helping your ds. You've invested too much after only 6 months.

WithRedWine Mon 04-Nov-13 10:58:49

I think a lot of people on this thread need tp unhoik the judgypants. Fwiw op, i've been on plenty of threads where mners have in the majority admitted to smacking their toddlers occasionally & as a last resort. People keep saying it's worse because you had lost your temper, but actually i think it's understandable - you were obviously in control enough not to actually hurt him. Obviously it's something you need to find other ways to cope with tho. HV good first port of call as others have said.

Twinklestein Mon 04-Nov-13 11:02:33

I remember your previous thread, and, honestly OP, this relationship is not going to work.

Your partner has threatened to leave 'multiple times' & is only still with you because you have begged repeatedly. You say you argue a lot. That is not a 'great relationship'.

You're so desperate for the fantasy of a 'little family' that you will do so with someone who doesn't want to be there. You can't force someone to stay in a relationship with begging and bribes.

I'm not surprised your son is behaving badly in the circumstances. He's probably bewildered.

Madlizzy Mon 04-Nov-13 11:08:28

don't stay with this man just because you're scared of being on your own. you're doing yourself a disservice if you do.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 11:12:19

Don't think it's judgy pants to say you don't agree with smacking and it shouldn't happen- ever. If it does happen there's a problem.

Each to their own and all that but smacking a very very little boy is not on. If it makes me a judgy pants that's a title I'll wear happily.

HotDogHotDogHotDiggityDog Mon 04-Nov-13 11:31:42

OP you know this is unhealthy. You've posted about your relationship before, so the problems between you have been going on almost from day one really.

You're clearly lacking in self esteem. A shit relationship will make it nose dive even more.
Begging him to stay when he wants to go is doing nothing for your self worth. Relying on him for money for bills and trying to create 'a little family unit' so soon is worrying. You barely know him as a partner, that takes time. Even if you knew him as a friend before you started seeing him, he can be a totally different kind of partner. Introducing your son into this at this stage was a bad move, moving the man in was a terrible one but you know this now anyway.

He might be staying with you out of pity if you've been begging him. Do you really want that?

The first step to sorting this out is to let him go, book some counselling sessions for your self esteem and get advice on how to deal with your DS's behaviour.

TBH I think once you are shot of this relationship and get help to deal with why you're allowing a situation like this to arise, you will be able to deal with your DS in a better way.

lunar1 Mon 04-Nov-13 11:42:03

You come across as someone who is making excuses and passing on blame. You also seem very aggressive and quick to temper in the way you are expressing your self on here.

Take a step back. The report about you to mumsnet won't go anywhere, but if I knew you in real life and you told me you hit your toddler 3 times in a shithead rage or however you expressed it then I would ring ss about you.

You need to get help, and not be living with someone and depending on someone who you have known for such a little time. You also need to get rid of the dog. You can't manage your child, he is hitting the dog and pulling its ears. The dog will probably eventually bite your son, maybe even injuring him enough to need major surgery. That will be your fault, not your sons or the dogs, but the dog will be pts and you son will be scared.

You really need to start taking responsibility and stop making excuses.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 04-Nov-13 12:04:55

Wow reporting someone who is asking for help - nice (why not try to help, I dont think this situation is hopeless)

It is a matter of trying different things to see what works - my reaction to tantrums was always just to say "You shouldnt do x, y or z" and then ignore. It is hard but you do need to get on top of this while he is still small and manageable or this will make your life hell.

Try talking to your Health visitor, it may be that your ds is just unsettled that you have moved your partner in so quickly and is just challenging for attention.

You and your partner need to discuss how discipline happens - we are unified, we give warnings and support each other if we take away xbox, tv etc (obviously older children)

They will provoke you to the edge if you let them - my oldest was shouting in my face this weekend and threatening to shut a door on my body....its just a matter of overrulling the (sometime strong) desire to respond in kind with deep breathing and calm thoughts.

I dont understand what kind of children the judgypants parents have they are either naturally very well behaved or they must be the kind of liberal parents with nighmare do what they want children.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 12:52:07

Do you hit your children then bluesky? Genuine question? Why is that people who are opposed to smacking must be liberal with badly behaved kids or angelic kids...here's a thought, maybe they're ..just people who don't want to hit their children. I've walked out the room and done 'silent' screams...anything to vent the frustration but I choose not to hit my children.

lemonstartree Mon 04-Nov-13 13:11:57

you sound as though your life is rather out of your control. You partner pays the bills. keeps threatening to leave, shouts at your child... what do you want in all this. You say you don't want you son to call DP 'daddy' - well he learned it from somewhere - and at 2 he learned it at home...

you do come over rather aggressive, angry and defensive, are you very young ?

Dahlen Mon 04-Nov-13 13:24:16

Your DS is probably being difficult precisely because of the dysfunctional relationship you have with your boyfriend.

OP, you're a single parent. I am too. So are lots of others. It comes with many joys and advantages IMO but I'm not going to patronise you by denying that there are times when it is very difficult and frustrating, especially when DC are very small and so utterly exhausting in their demands. I understand why you're reluctant to kick out your boyfriend and the support you're getting from him, because that is what it feels like to you - despite the fact that to the rest of us it's clear getting rid of the boyfriend is part of the solution.

Unlike a lot of people, I don't believe there is a correct timespan to introduce new partners. A lot depends on the relationship and the frequency with which you see each other. Leave it too long, for example, and you run the risk of being so invested in the relationship that you overlook any problems made apparent when your partner meets your DC. Far better IMO to introduce DC and new partner quite soon into things, but always making sure it is kept infrequent and very casual - i.e. just another not-too-close friend of mummy's (albeit children know the difference between platonic and sexual friends). That way you can back out at any moment with nothing more than some idly curious questions from your DC and no hurt feelings. Although you'll always find people for whom it's worked out well, it is never going to be a good idea to play happy families within a few months of meeting someone. Not least because if you're unhappy, it's a lot harder to end things if you feel dependent on someone even if you know they're no good for you. Something you're now experiencing first hand.

I'm a great believer in parents being individuals as well as parents. It is good and healthy for children to grow up seeing their parents with a life of their own - friends, job, hobbies, etc. I'd include a relationship in that, regardless of whether it's between both biological parents or with a new partner. But - and it is a BIG but - as a single parent with no involvement from the biological father, you have all the responsibility for your DS, and his needs must come first before your need for a relationship while he is so young. No one is saying you can't have a relationship, but if you want to be a good mum your relationship must not detract from your relationship with your DS. Right now it is.

The time and energy spent on trying to keep your boyfriend would be better spent on finding coping strategies to deal with your DS. Try some parenting classes. Going on them is in no way an admission of being a bad parent; it is a statement that you're a caring parent who wants to be a better parent.

Having your BF spend so much time with you is actively undermining your relationship with your DS because he is getting conflicting messages from both of you and seeing your attention taken away from him and focussed instead on your BF in an unhealthy manner. The likely response to this is resentment to your BF, or possibly even a preference to do as your BF wants rather than you as he recognises that BF is the one who calls the shots.

You can't keep your BF because you rely on him financially and because you're at the end of your tether with your DS. That's no basis for a relationship and you and your DS are worth more. I'd also pretty much guarantee that if you ended things with your BF and became independent of him financially, your self-esteem would improve and your relationship with DS would improve too.

OP: was your DS' father abusive? If he was the sort of violent abuser that you have no contact with because he's so dangerous, it is sad but unsurprising that you have picked another abusive man who is, well, less openly dangerous than the last one but still a shit.

Lazyjaney Mon 04-Nov-13 13:59:51

IMO the OP is getting harshly judged here, she is hardly the first to lose it totally with a toddler, and this is hardly the first or last family to resort to smacking or shouting in extremis.

The terrible twos are probably the most challenging time for any parents, and doubly so with a step parent newly thrown into the family dynamic, so some slack needs to be cut there too, diving straight into abuse accusations is just scaremongering.

Also ignore some of the more "look at my perfect mum credentials" advice here, at least you are disciplining your child, which is something that many of the fluffy types won't (or can't) do. A toddler doesnt have to be treated as a little emperor with the whole family turning somersaults, the parents - including a step parent - have some rights too.

So I think forgive yourself the momentary lapses of reason with your DS, the big thing to sort out is the future of your relationship with DP. If you are having to beg him to stay that's probably a good sign that it's time to let him go, at least from living with you full time. IMO it's very hard getting a new step parent involved at the terrible twos and making it work.

It does sound to me from what you write that this toddler is worse than average, now this could be due to your relationship issues but may be something else, might be worth having him checked out.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 14:12:00

I think part of the issue is its a man who has known the child for 6 months shouting at the 2 year old.

GoshAnneGorilla Mon 04-Nov-13 16:01:08

Lazy - the OP is financially dependent on a man who she repeatedly has to beg to stay, a man whose idea of discipline is to bellow at a toddler.

O.P's response to people's very well placed concerns is to resort to insults and now claim everything is fine and "life just happens".

This is not a good situation, in fact it is a very good illustration of why an unrelated male in the home can be very dangerous for children indeed.

Stating that shouting at toddlers and smacking them is not likely to get the results you want does not make you a "fluffy" parent.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 16:06:21

Agreed gosh.

It does annoy me that some posters seem to think that people opposing smacking must be liberals allowing their kids to run wild....what there's no alternative inbetween??

I actually think the vast majority of parents manage to control their frustrations with terrible twos without smacking and shouting. Gives you grey hair trying to keep your temper but most well adjusted people manage it. It doesn't make you a 'fluffy' parent.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 04-Nov-13 16:50:23

mamma I would not class myself as "pro" smacking but im not about to jump on someone asking for help

If I saw someone whacking their child in the supermarket I would be hmm

Just in my experience the people who have the worst behaved children are the ones reasoning with them in the middle of a supermarket aisle in that annoying sing song voice - children arent always reasonable it does sometimes take the patience of a saint to avoid being provoked by them.

If the op is feeling provoked by a 2.5 year old then best she get some help and learn some coping techniques before he hits teendom and gets really difficult to handle.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 16:57:13

Absolutely. I totally agree with you. Most of the people who expressed disagreement with the smacking and shouting also offered advice and suggestions of children's centres/ sure start/ hv.

Sing songy voices in a supermarket aisles are just as ineffective as a snack- agreed. There's lots that come in between obviously.

Yes- absolutely agree with patient if a saint comment but must parents manage with an inward 'scream', a sigh, walking away and counting to ten, we've all been there but bloody hell a grown woman or man should not be provoked into smacking a little boy. Lets be honest, it sounds as if the little boys life has seen some big changes in the last 6 months...suddenly has a new adult he has to share his mummy with, a new adult disciplining him etc etc. no wonder he's behaviour might be a little challenging right now.

Lazyjaney Mon 04-Nov-13 17:00:53

"O.P's response to people's very well placed concerns"

More like sanctimonious superior parenting displays bynthecself declared "well adjusted" IMO - and the stereotypical badly behaved brat with the "reasonable" parents is a stereotype for a reason.

The OPs issues are all with her relationship, either of them losing it with a tantrumming toddler is common and a complete sideshow.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 17:31:43

It might be common in your world for a man whose known a child for 6 months to be shouting at him but not in mine. The op herself was worried about it enough to post ffs.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 17:32:00

* who's

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 17:32:52

And again...who said because you oppose shouting and smacking that you're a "reasonable" type with badly behaved kids???

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 04-Nov-13 17:45:39

I didnt mamma I said " in my experience" I didnt say all and im not about to start scrapping with a stranger on an internet forum hmm in my world thats not how well adjusted people behave.

Personally I wouldnt move in a man I had been seeing for 6 months and I certainly wouldnt be allowing him to discipline my child...again personally

I do suspect that the DS challenging behaviour is as a result of this and I really cant offer any advice there as its not a situation I would have got into myself or have any experience of. But its not uncommon so I am sure other people can offer advice regarding that.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 04-Nov-13 17:53:21

Well if course, everything we base our ideas and opinions on is 'in our experience' isn't it.

I'm certainly not scrapping either...just disagreeing and discussing an issue.

I actually think most people on here have been in agreement with regards to the background info of the relationship and the fact the op should perhaps ask for help with the child's behaviour.

LittleBlondeNinja Wed 06-Nov-13 03:12:47

Lots of responses to read. Thanks to everyone who stuck up for me there very much appriciated.
I think you all have this image in your head after my post of dp screaming at ds where as thats not the case when i say shouting i mean being stern not actually shouting/yelling sometimes i have to shout at ds to actually get him to stop doing something dangerous - sat on toilet having a wee the other day and ds decided he wanted to stick fingers in plug socket outside bathroom door used stern but nice words of ds name no do not do that it will hurt you he didnt listen so in the end hsd to shout ds name stop get away frm there now!! Dp doesnt shout in a aggresive way its normally to get his attention when he is either trantruming or going to hurt himself or someone else and nothing else works... must stress ds is not scared of him at all. Talked with dp who agrees we need to explain things to him as to why we are tellin him no eg. No ds name you musnt smack mummy because yiu will hurt me ect instead of going in very stern. Think things have got very hard for us recently with money work and eviction notice because of false accusations and we have let ourselfs get bogged down.

no i shoudlnt of had to beg him to stay and maybe shoild of let him go but ive never seen ds as happy with someone as when he is playing with dp building things etc and i am also happy.
Ds real dad was a horrible person as answdr to other persons question.

the whole smacking thing was a shock tactic more than a hurt tactic but literally 3 seprate times a light tap thru a nappy is nothing!!! He didnt even nnotice 2 times and laughed 1 time which proved to me that smackin wasnt going to work.

lots of good tips and advice on here so thanks and also lots of shit.... for all those who slated me i bet your not so perfect yourselves. I am human. I have feelings. My ds is not abused nor scared stlared nor have i put him in dangerous situation as dp has been family friend for years otherwise he woudlnt of been lving with us yet etc..

GoshAnneGorilla Wed 06-Nov-13 04:25:03

So why post if everything is actually fine and lovely?

People can only respond to what you have written and your first and last posts describe completely different circumstances.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 06-Nov-13 05:59:59

It really wasn't a case of people taking your side it not. People responded h early about what you posted. Gosh is right, you now describe a totally different scenario. In your op you said dp is "shouty" and "shouts over the tantrum". You say that you feel as if you "put dp before ds" Nd that you smacked his bum "in a shit headed rage". If you had posted that you're happy, ds has never been happier Nd dp doesn't shout, as you gave done now you'd ha e hot an entirely different set of responses.

If you still find ds's behaviour a challenge (which all toddlers are at done point) please do speak to a chd tend centre or sure start- they're pretty good in my experience and I've asked for advice before a d found them to be helpful.

Good luck x

mammadiggingdeep Wed 06-Nov-13 06:00:20

* responded honestly

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