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Edit: It actually does hurt slightly less

(515 Posts)
Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 17:50:28

DH left on Thursday. We have not been good for a while and he has decided that after nearly 20 years he wants out. He told me he hates me.

Our DCs 9 and 7 are reacting in different ways. The eldest has withdrawn to his room. The youngest has basically raged, wept and begged for me to let him come back and won't accept it wasn't me making him go.

I saw my GP yesterday and have some diazepam which is helping to take the edge of but I am in agony. I don't know what I am going to do. While this is vile I know the OW will soon be popping up and I don't know how I am going to manage as I am just putting one foot infont of the other now. He is denying it, of course, but I do know.

How can I keep helping the DCs if I can't sort myself.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 18:41:55

I'm sorry this has happened to you and that your DCs are so distressed. Do you have any RL support you can call upon? Friends, family, neighbours? Tranquilisers are good as far as they go but you need to be with people at a time like this.

How did your DCs get the news? If they heard 'I hate you' and then Dad made a dramatic exit they will connect the two, unfortunately. They will calm down soon I expect and that's the time to get them out of the house, go for a walk or something else quiet and give them the opportunity to talk or ask any questions which you answer as honestly as you feel able. Don't be afraid of appearing upset in front of them. Children need to know that Mums are people too

It is important - I think - to get a few key messages across. One being that they are loved by both of you still. Another is that, as far as possible, you'll try to make sure their lives stay much the same (schools, friends, routines) and that they will see Dad on a regular basis and can talk to him whenever they like. Another is that the split is a grown-up decision that is very sad but not one they have caused or can influence. I'm assuming your husband has been in touch with them.

There's a host of practical stuff like finances and so on to consider but, for now, do be with people that love you. Good luck

Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 19:30:34

Thanks for replying. No he hasn't been in touch with the kids, has gone completely silent.

I have been telling the DCs that I love them and so do their father but atm doesn't seem to be having much effect.

I just can't even think about finances selling the house, we will have to move from the school. I cannot believe him, I cannot do it.,

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 02-Nov-13 19:34:05

"It is important - I think - to get a few key messages across. One being that they are loved by both of you still. Another is that, as far as possible, you'll try to make sure their lives stay much the same (schools, friends, routines) and that they will see Dad on a regular basis and can talk to him whenever they like."

They're 9 and 7, so way too old for them not to completely see through lies like that.

Their Dad walked out and hasn't been in touch.

Why should they believe that they will see him on a regular basis or can talk to him whenever they like?

Don't make promises on his behalf.

Only make promises to them that YOU can keep.

MrsWolowitz Sat 02-Nov-13 19:35:41

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't have any advice other than to hold your hand and wait for a wiser MNer to come along.

MrsWolowitz Sat 02-Nov-13 19:36:46

Sorry I meant wiser than me not wiser than the posters before me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 19:38:05

That's incredibly crappy, not contacting his own children. What a coward. I'm a lone parent and I'm conscious that there's a lot of stigma to the role still. The phrase I turn to when I feel the responsibility is getting me down is 'I'm the parent that stayed'. You're that parent too. Rest assured that your DCs are listening to you. They are as angry, upset and confused as you are and you're doing all you can reasonably do. Their Dad has let them down incredibly badly but you're the parent that stayed.

Don't think about finances etc just yet. Don't make any snap assumptions about selling houses or moving schools. When you feel a little stronger you're going to need legal advice but, in the meantime, do whatever you need to do to get through the day. Do you have RL support? Have you told anyone yet or are you hoping it's a bad dream still?

Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 19:43:36

God, I've been crying about my parents, sis and brother. They are all gone and I don't think I've missed them more in the past few days. Luckily my BIL (sis's DH) and I are close and he came over for a few hours today. We didn't really say much but he was just there.

You're the parent who stayed - I like that.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 19:45:09

<<HUG>>

Maybe you and the children can stay in the house?

You are wise to accept that an OW will appear shortly, masking as someone he has just met of course hmm

You will get through this and it's quite possible that you will be happier than you have been in a long time. The children will come to accept the way things are and they might be happier too.

For now, one hour at a time, one foot in front of the other. Do what you can to make it easier on yourself wine

You will need to tell their teachers on Monday - a note might be best if you don't think you can do it in person.

I presume you have secured any money you can get your hands on?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 02-Nov-13 19:46:14

@join.... I can only work with the information presented. Didn't find out he hadn't been in touch until the OP's post #2. Please play the ball, not the man!

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 19:47:40

I am so sorry that you don't have your parents or your sister or brother sad Your BIL sounds like a good egg though and I am sure you must have some good friends - and of course, you have us motley lot smile

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 19:50:14

It is hard when the kids are raging against you and are blaming you, they will see it for what it is in time, for now all you can do is be there for them, tell them how much you love them and there is nothing wrong with being honest about it being Dad's choice to leave, not yours - it will not hurt them to know you are angry and upset too.

Alchemist Sat 02-Nov-13 19:54:18

Again, thank you for answering. I am so grateful to just write stuff down and have a response.

just feeling sorry for myself but more the dcs. I just feel wrecked and hopeless

Thewalkingdeadkr Sat 02-Nov-13 19:57:40

It does get better I promise. Quicker than you think too.
Why not have. Good scroll through relationships and see how well posters do from initial posts to a few weeks later.
It feels impossible and that you will never be happy again but lots of us have felt that way in the past and are now completely over it all.
Sending you lots if good wishes.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 19:58:38

Of course you do my love - you have been with him for most of your adult life. Not only has he walked out on you, but he's walked out on your children and hasn't even phoned them! It's scary, it's liberating, it's upsetting, it's a relief, it's a million things and all of them amount to being a complete (excuse the term) headfuck sad

brew or wine... or both!

JoinYourPlayfellows Sat 02-Nov-13 20:15:39

Sorry, Cogito, I wasn't trying to play the man at all.

LEMisafucker Sat 02-Nov-13 20:19:24

Don't do anything til monday, the banks are closed anyway, but maybe get as much money out from the accounts that you can. Then get this sorted out on monday - then just take some time to come to terms with things. flowers

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Sat 02-Nov-13 21:30:52

Why Monday LEM? I would have done it last Thursday night. My bank isn't closed - it's 24/7.

Whoaminow1 Sat 02-Nov-13 22:15:53

Weeks have gone by since my husband has left( after 23 years.i still don't really no why. I do know he has got close to a girlfreind of mine, but he says their just Freinds and he doesn't love her. He suddenly left me and 3 kids saying we have grown apart and financial demands have caused a wedge between us. Also says I haven't been emotionally supportive with his Buisness. I have done all the child are, housework,cooking,cleaning,organized our social life,tried to be sexy, retrained gardened,loved him+++.now the kids are 18, q16, 12 he leaves

I truly loved him, cared for him. He was the centre of my world and my whole family loved him. I wanted to grow old with him.

He has walked away, sees the kids once a week- just takes them out for a meal- never talks about how they are feeling, just superficial day to day stuff. He seems detached.walks in the house, asks for a piece of cake etc as if I should be offering

His only words to me are that he is not coming back and he wants a divorce.however he has done nothing about this. He hasn't got a solicitor. He works long hours and is totally dedicated to his own Buisness. It's almost as if he is too busy with his work to end his own marriage.

I am trying to hold it together. I have a professional job,which involves caring for others, I have 2 lovely parents with dementia, I'm trying to keep up the norm. Cooking nice meals giving cuddles having fun, telling the kids dad loves you very much.

And here I am lying in bed, my heart racing, not understanding , feeling bereft and depressed.tonight yet again a sad child has crept into my bed. How do you cheer up a sad crying 16 yr old who's boyfriend has let her down and it feels like her dad has entered some world we don't understand. how can you be on holiday as a family one minute, then the next the family is over

I want to call him I want to beg, but I know he doesn't want me to.12 weeks, will I ever get over this, I really don't want to turn into some bitter divorcee, but all I see is weeks months of getting over the fact that I've lost my best friend and someone I would have done anything for

how the hell am I going to keep going and be happy again

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 03:32:50

Oh Who, I am so sorry. What a terrible place to find yourself. I can't stop shaking and cannot sleep. I can see a future but how do I get there?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 06:34:38

It's a little cliched but you get there 'one day at a time'. I liken this kind of grief to walking through a swamp. Right now you're up to your waist in sticky mud, swatting bugs, & it's heavy going and you feel like it'll never end. Other days the sun comes out, you find a little dry ground and can make progress.

What you have to do is find ways to get through the bad days so that you can make the most of the good days. What you need most is distraction so that your mind is kept busy with other thoughts besides him. That's why I say be with RL people because being with friends or family you'll have less time to wallow. If you have a job, embrace the chance to place your attention elsewhere. As you have kids, keep to their normal routine because it will benefit you as much as them. Force yourself to cook, eat and drink. Also... plan nice things for yourself and your kids. A change of scenery, a country walk, a drive to the coast... it really helps.

Do see your GP if you are too anxious or depressed to sleep. You're at the start of a long process unfortunately, but it gets better with time.

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 12:19:03

Started to clear out his wardrobe and found his condom stash and letters.

Destroyed.

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 12:20:33

((Alchemist))

NumptyNameChange Sun 03-Nov-13 12:26:22

"i am really hurt too" "i don't know what is going on yet" "i am doing my best" " i love you and will always be here for you"

it's ok to say all of the above imo. it's ok to cuddle and cry together. and when you've had a cuddle and cry together you can move to ok, we need to take care of ourselves and get through this - what would make you feel better if only for a little while? shall we get some popcorn and watch a movie? shall we go for a walk?

i think it's ok to be in it together and it will feel a lot safer actually for the kids if they can see yes you're hurting and confused too, you can cry and be sad BUT you can also still steer the ship, still be the guide of when it's time to distract and do something nice but can cope when the tears and the rages come too.

all in my humble opinion but with some experience of what this feels like for a child. it's terrible but this is a teaching moment - that we are human, that we can be devastated and hurt but survive and keep afloat, that hard emotions are 'allowed' but can be felt, expressed and put aside for a while etc.

NumptyNameChange Sun 03-Nov-13 12:28:42

no one has to drown alone in this - not even you! you are a team and one of your team has walked out and let you all down terribly. it's ok for the team to stick together.

i don't mean tell them their dad is an arsehole or anything but YOU are the ones left, you are the ones who did not do this and you are allowed to cling together and comfort each other. obviously don't lean too hard on your kids, but don't shut them out either. be in it together.

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 14:52:36

Sorry Alchemist, had to be away from the computer for a while. How are you? What's happening?

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 16:35:44

I just cnat manage. All those years just lies, none of it real. My poor babies, all just gone. I just hurt

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 16:43:29

Hey Alchemist. Talk to us. We are here

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 16:44:21

Are you alone (with kids) anyone you can call? Have you told any of your friends?

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 16:47:48

I don't know what to say, all over the place. Mind can't stay on one thing for more than a second. DCs being quiet and gentle with me but that is wrong. Thye need me to keep going.

H intends to see them on Wednesday for an hour. A fucking hour.

It can't have all been based on lies can it? I suppose it could. agony

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 16:49:02

No family left and have told a couple of friends but have been keeping indoors. Got to work on Tuesday. Got to.

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 16:53:13

H's family (MIL, SIL and BIL and his wife) live 2 miles down the road. Not a call, not about me but even to ask about the kids.

That's it. We're on our own.

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 16:58:06

I really feel for you, and to some extent empathise.
I recently found out my fiance was sexting another woman for months, also webcams and then found another woman who had had messages (extreme) and arrangements to meet for sex. I dont know if he did or not but I had to leave.
Its destroyed me so I know what you mean. Sadly I have to work with the wanker.
Anyway its so difficult without support. I have no family and just friends. Dont keep it to yourself. Tell someone.Go ttowork and if poss tell someone there.
I told my manager she was excellent.

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 16:59:56

I have a dd and ds. I do find it hard to keep it together but they are a great distraction.
You will come out the other side. But it doesnt feel like it yet I know.

NumptyNameChange Sun 03-Nov-13 17:04:06

of course it's not wrong that they're being gentle with you - do you want your children to be caring, empathetic creatures capable of taking care of their 'team' in the face of adversity? nothing wrong with it. you are not letting them down.

you can't protect them from the reality of what he is. he has abandoned them - dress it up however but that's the reality of the current dynamic. they need you to be THERE. if you being there means you being fragile, off par, hurt, confused then you're still there. if you decide they're not allowed to see you being human then they'll experience that as you abandoning them as well and be truly terrified.

seeing mummy is hurt but still loves us, still cares for us, is sticking around and not turning into a zombie robot whose scaring us by pretending stuff is a hell of a lot safer than the alternative. yes be strong when you can, yes still hold it together but NO don't think you've got to hide all traces of the fucking the disaster that has hit you. they know it's a disaster - they know the shit has hit the fan - you pretending otherwise will just confuse and scare them.

yes the shit has hit the fan, yes i'm upset and so are you but YES we will also be ok and get through this. and you WILL!

ThePinkOcelot Sun 03-Nov-13 17:06:34

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Its crap and you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But, believe me, you will feel better, you will cope, you will!!
It really amazes me how some men can go from being a dad living with his kids to just wanting to see them for an hour! Bastard!
((()))

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 03-Nov-13 17:07:50

It wasn't all based on lies. It's ended badly, you're very upset and his behaviour has been appalling but that doesn't mean the rest of it didn't have anything positive going on.

When someone decides they want out of a marriage, it doesn't happen overnight. They usually work up to it gradually, rationalising their decision to their own satisfaction. There's no good way to end a relationship but, if they are a kind and decent person, they will try to avoid making it worse than it has to be. He has chosen, for reasons best known to himself, to rationalise that 'he hates you'... which is adding insult to injury. Still doesn't mean the rest was a lie.

Is Wednesday convenient for you? If not, set the agenda. It's going to be incredibly upsetting to see him again so try to limit the contact to the bare minimum. Make sure he takes your DSs out of the house rather than thinking he can swan in and play Happy Families. Start as you mean to go on... it's important for your self-respect.

ILs are in a tough position. All the information they're getting is from him, you don't know what he's told them, and they may be worried that calling you will make things worse. If you get along with any of them better than others, it might be an idea to make the first move.

Do try to get out and about, even if you don't feel especially sociable. Some fresh air, a trip to the supermarket or whatever is better than being cooped up at home with your thoughts. Work on Tuesday is good as well. Confide in someone there that you're having a rough time... then they can cut you some slack. If you're really struggling, do consider seeing your GP.

Good luck

NumptyNameChange Sun 03-Nov-13 17:08:49

honestly - it's OK to go through this together. i'm a single parent btw so maybe coming at it from a different angle. i can tell you from my own childhood experiences that being shut out, feeling concealed from, hidden from, lied to - whatever is scarier than mummy being sad. honestly.

when people say kids are resilient i think that means resilient to the truth and reality and the tumble world it can be it doesn't mean resilient to lies, being shut out, being stonewalled or denied to. i'm not saying tell them hideous truths but LET them be part of this - let them feel what they feel and see you feel too. they will know if you're hiding from them. kids can withstand painful awful things - they can't withstand all adults going awol on them. better a sad mummy whose staying close than a tight lipped look how together i am mummy who they don't recognise and can't trust x

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 17:28:05

I think it's a good idea to give yourself until Tuesday to be hurt and to hide away.

I don't think you should look back on your relationship as all lies and deceit. I suspect that at it was a good, strong, loving relationship and you have no need to doubt your feelings or perceptions at that time.

What do you need tonight?

Vivacia Sun 03-Nov-13 17:29:36

(Numpty, I'd leave that thought with the OP for a bit rather than repeating it until she's ready to ask you a bit more about it).

Alchemist Sun 03-Nov-13 21:37:20

Just to be heard and read your words Is helping right now. We've had a good cry tonight (me and dcs). They are in my bed and waiting for me to go up too.

I am so grateful for your messages and kindness. This is such a dark and lonely place now.

carlywurly Sun 03-Nov-13 21:51:03

Oh you poor thing. Hugs to you. You will get through this. I did and life is a lot better now.

There is no worse feeling at the time though, the utter gut wrenching hopeless feelings really will pass in time. You'll be in shock for a little while though. Lean on any friends you can and keep posting.

holstenlips Sun 03-Nov-13 22:04:28

So sorry op :-(
Its so painful

Stupidhead Sun 03-Nov-13 22:17:39

Don't worry how you'll cope. You start minute by minute then Hour by hour then day by day. If you have no one to talk to when you wake (and I was awake a lot) call the Samaritans just to hear another voice. Buy ready food and yogurts. Eat. Remove everything of his. Either boxed away, dumped at his or binned. Small things like his socks or toothbrush, spend a day removing it all - it's sad but it makes your life easier. Rearrange the furniture, box up stuff you bought together, bin his mugs, rip up the calendar with his reminders on. Seriously. Buy new bedding and towels. Cheap enough and wilkos do 100% cotton.

http://breakuprecoveryguide.com
Read ^ click on picture links.

All this doesn't quick fix but helps you cope x

Mymumsfurcoat Sun 03-Nov-13 22:33:58

You poor thing. You have your DCs, and you are the world to them. He is wrong and he is foolish. Hold on. I know it's hard when you have no one left, but I do think of how they would have reacted and how I would if they were still here. Listen for their voices in your head. You know.

saulaboutme Sun 03-Nov-13 23:29:50

So sorry op what an awful thing to deal with.
Sending you strength and big hugs.

NumptyNameChange Mon 04-Nov-13 03:09:57

hope you get some sleep tonight OP. i'm so sorry he's done this to you.

Alchemist Mon 04-Nov-13 05:50:30

I am dreading the school run but am up and going to shower and try to pull myself together for that. Do I inform the school today? Don't think I can do it without weeping.

I don't want to see anyone but will have to but most of all I don't want the DCs away from me. I will take them though.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 04-Nov-13 06:05:38

Don't inform the school today if you don't feel like it, just get through the school run and dropping your DC off. It's good for them, this is normal and anything that brings normality and routine helps them. Stand tall and grit your teeth at school, try and do a couple of jobs today to keep you occupied (if you can) and the DC will be home before you know it.

So sorry this has happened to you, tiny steps, one day at a time.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 04-Nov-13 06:09:46

Actually thinking about it, it may help if you could forewarn school, do you think you can? I'm only worried in case one of them has an unhappy moment at school and finds they need some loving.

x

How about a note or an email for the school, they will understand that you're too upset to discuss it but I think it's important that they are aware for your children's sake.

Hold your head high and take a deep breath, one foot in front of the other.

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 04-Nov-13 06:35:54

Good idea about a note or e mail DWB. Good luck.

Vivacia Mon 04-Nov-13 06:49:26

Put a front on and act the part in the playground. What's the saying? Fake it to make it And remember, people are more worried about what you think about them, to be thinking about you.

trish5000 Mon 04-Nov-13 07:04:33

Soem good replies here.
One thing I would add is to keep an eye especially on the older child. The younger one is dealing with it in a normal way. And obviously needs your attention as he or she is very upset angry etc.
But your older child may not be at that stage yet. But mustnt be left for too long to fester internally. He or she may need you to be there quietly until he or she feels able to open up about their hurt or betrayal.
thanks to you all. Take care.

See how it goes about school. Ideally it will be best if they no. I would hope end expect htem to be discreet. Though your children may well tell someone at school themselves.

trish5000 Mon 04-Nov-13 07:05:13

know not no

FlatCapAndAWhippet Mon 04-Nov-13 10:51:51

Thought about you smile

Alchemist Mon 04-Nov-13 14:22:22

Well, they are at school and went in ok. I told the deputy head and she said she would look out for them.

I have an appointment at CAB on Wednesday. That's all I've done. The house is a tip and I am just looking at it. Spoke to boss who was lovely. I am going in tomorrow only until 1pm. Only work there two mornings a week but I just want to hide. Can't though.

Do you know I think when I am able to stand up straight I will know the first shock will have passed. Am all hunched shoulders and bent head. Eyes are dead.

JuliaScurr Mon 04-Nov-13 14:31:11

www.youngminds.org.uk/
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/

hope they can help you

<offers hand>
brew or wine

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Nov-13 14:58:13

You're doing a lot better than you think. Good move to talk to school and your employer. People can be surprisingly compassionate and helpful but only if they know what's going on. You'll probably find work to be therapeutic... I certainly did. I remember that home felt very oppressive, lonely and full of painful memories whereas the office had never been a place I associated with my ex so it was easier to function. Almost an oasis.

Good luck

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
And so many of us have been right where you are now so we do have a kind of understanding of what you are going through.
Although we all have different coping mechanisms we do tend to find them eventually.
Right now it's so hard. It's all pain and misery and that's all you can see.
But.... we are all here to tell you, that you do cope, because you have to. Things do get better. And Karma is a cool bitch who will end up biting your 'D'H on the arse!
Be kind to yourself first and foremost. It's hard but you really need to think about you. Eat and keep hydrated. If eating is hard, then smoothies or ice lollies or soups are your best friends right now.
You CAN and you WILL get through this.
Once a man has found an OW they can be so cruel. Don't forget, this is not about you. This is what he has done and his justification for it.
Give the kids lots of love and hugs and don't let that man back into the house. He looks after the kids on your terms and away from you.
And if you want him to have them for more than 1 hour then tell him. He doesn't get to make all the decisions here.
If you want him to have them for 2-3 hours so you can have some alone head space then make sure you tell him.
It's gonna be a tough road but we've all driven it and we're all OK!

piratecat Mon 04-Nov-13 15:53:30

just read through Alchemist, and i am so sorry. It happened to me some years ago, and i know just how you are feeling.

Keep going lovely. that's it really, your children will forgive you any tears, they will see you are hurting too. They will be your lifeline through this, and you are their everything and you three deserve the very best. xxxxx

Alchemist Mon 04-Nov-13 18:26:02

He phoned to arrange to see DC but the day he picked DS is on a trip and not back till late. I am being obstructive hmm.

DD spoke to him but DS did not want to. Don't blame him for not wanting to speak to him, I didn't.

Just feel numb but then I start crying again.

Alchemist Tue 05-Nov-13 06:12:23

I was up at about 3.30 this morning and, now, just after 6am I have still not cried! Not much but slightly better. Work today and CAB tomorrow, I think it is now real.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Nov-13 06:20:09

He got huffy with you because the day he chose wasn't convenient? On top of all the other insults and injuries he's dished out to you, isn't it funny how something relatively minor can be so revealing? Are you angry yet? That's when the tears slow down IME... when you stop feeling so sorry for yourself, stop caring about him, and start getting annoyed.

Alchemist Tue 05-Nov-13 06:27:05

Just flashes of anger atm. I did find doing the school run difficult what with the sobbing and snot blush. Pick up time was better but I still cried while waiting. I suppose it is going to be a series of "firsts" and I hope each one gets a bit easier.

I really appreciate the responses. I have talked to BIL again but I don't want to talk in detail in RL as yet. Small town and am already the subject of gossip. To be able to interact but not reveal myself is so comforting. thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Nov-13 06:40:03

You can't easily sob at work. That's why it's a good place to be really. Gives you a bit of a break from going over the same thoughts and being upset all the time and that actually helps improve your mood. Make a conscious decision not to cry when you're doing other tasks and it does the same thing. Over time, the break periods lengthen, join up and become full days.

Have you got angry directly with him at any stage of this?

Alchemist Tue 05-Nov-13 06:45:39

Prior to the split but not since. I know it will come. It is amazing how I am feeling this morning but am aware it won't last and other messier emotions will come but, for these hours, I feel alright.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Nov-13 06:52:04

That's good. Make the most of it... do something fun, spontaneous or constructive... take the kids out, for example. If they see that you're rallying, they'll be less anxious themselves.

Alchemist Tue 05-Nov-13 13:22:50

what amess . held it together for school and work but am just broken. He hates me? Why? will cry for a bit and pull myself together for pick up

Vivacia Tue 05-Nov-13 13:29:27

I think you need to stop worrying about what he thinks, about what people in the town think and start planning/dreaming about what you want for you and yours.

You've got to see the possibilities and not the losses.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Nov-13 13:38:56

I agree with Vivacia... It's torture to sit mulling over someone else's motivations.

Alchemist Tue 05-Nov-13 16:42:06

I agree, I know you're right but oh so hopeless. Although DCs appear okish (fingers crossed).

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Nov-13 17:04:52

Look... the man has insulted, offended and hurt you. He has crapped on you and those closest to you from a great height. You are upset and distressed. But if you let him make you believe your life is hopeless you are saying he's triumphed. This is why you need to find that anger. If not on your own behalf, on your DCs'. If anyone else in the world had upset your DCs this much wouldn't you be going after them deer rifle rather than crying? Focus some fury, feel energised and SCREW HIM.....

Alchemist Tue 05-Nov-13 18:38:03

Oh Cogito, thank you. Harsh but so very true. It will come...

But then, I do feel lost but then I get a feeling in my gut (emotions plus guts = me) of a tiny bit of excitement. TBH DS said just this evening that it isn't much different you and Daddy being apart. I asked him why and he said its because he is hardly ever here anyway. All true due to the nature of his work.

What I need to focus on is how/where we will live, what on and access arrangements. The access is going to be v tricky again due to the work he does.

On a slightly more stupid note I started premature menopause a couple of years ago. Is it because I lost a certain smell/appeal? Fuck me, I don't know but I will read your post again and begin to pull myself together. Thank you.

PTFsWife Tue 05-Nov-13 19:28:47

Just read your thread Alchemist. You are being so brave. I think you've had some great advice. I too would be open and honest with your children about you feeling scared or feeling sad or feeling happier or feeling stronger. It may encourage them to talk about how they feel too.

And yes, the anger will come. When it does, put on Eye of the Tiger and punch the air (or punch bag) as hard as you can, imagining it is his face. It works in getting rid of some of the anger and frustration and boosting endorphins. I did it when I found out about my husband's affair (once the shock had passed and anger kicked in).

Do not ask yourself what is wrong with you that he left. It is what is wrong with HIM that he wasn't man enough to talk his feelings through with you and try to resolve whatever issue he had before it got to this. It is nothing wrong with you. You are the amazing mother trying to hold it all together. He is an arse. thanks

Alchemist Wed 06-Nov-13 11:39:29

Just back from CAB and they have given me quite a bit to think about.

Am much more level headed today. This is good.

holstenlips Wed 06-Nov-13 12:28:04

Well done! You are doing great. Some days will be hard again of course but so glad you feel ok today. How are the dcs?

itsmeisntit Wed 06-Nov-13 12:33:48

Well done.
Take time to think things through. There is no rush as long as you can cope money wise and l hope is going to pay for the DC's etc.
Does he know that you know about the OW!!!

Alchemist Wed 06-Nov-13 12:39:20

Have arranged for STBX to see the DCs on Sunday. They are excited about it but really it just follows our normal pattern - if Dad home they go swimming and then lunch. Usually it has been all of us having a roast but I have said he can have them 10am to 2pm. I think this is reasonable but am questioning just about everything. Does this seem ok?

Alchemist Wed 06-Nov-13 12:41:42

Yes, but is still denying it. I have read the scripts on here and fully expect to hear about his "new" girlfriend in the next few months.

Alchemist Wed 06-Nov-13 13:36:12

But to be honest after the past year where I have been trying so hard and constantly being rejected, it is an explanation of sorts. I am NOT mad, I was NOT mad during it. It was real. I feel a sort of relief, I won't be measured up and found lacking just because I'm me. I hope that makes sense.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 06-Nov-13 16:38:21

Even if had decided that you were 'lacking' it wouldn't be your fault, would it? You can only ever be yourself... you can't be someone else.

Alchemist Wed 06-Nov-13 20:33:01

I met two friends today and they just let me talk and am amazed I did belly laughs. I get that it was slightly hysterical but I can't remeberr the last time I laughed like that. All the shite to come is going to be worth it. You know, it will be. I know I will be very up and down but it feels like a fucking great stone has been lifted. I can relax, the children can relax. I suppose he can relax too.

Vivacia Wed 06-Nov-13 20:36:36

Well done Alchemist, you're doing so well, so quickly.

holstenlips Wed 06-Nov-13 20:46:30

Brilliant attitude Alchemist well done x

Alchemist Wed 06-Nov-13 20:50:22

I think I have been sort of prepared but frightened to make it real. now it is I think in the emotional way but we have to sort all the rest out. I hope I can keep my head and try to make a new start and just keep it together. This is what I hope to do

Alchemist Thu 07-Nov-13 22:31:09

Asked for some clothes to be left out for him. Went up to my bedroom and cleared 3 bin bags. I was dry-eyed and as I emptied drawers was thinking what I can now use them for.

Anyway was here when he collected. As much as I don't want this I have agreed he can now have the DCs 10 - 5ish on Sunday. Of course they want to see their dad .Money been tight for years but now much tighter so am trying to think of how to fill the day. So far have come up with the Archers, Sunday papers, dye hair, lie around fretting and anything funny I can look at/listen to. The DCs need this and, I never thought I could be this fucking reasonable, so does their dad.

Obviously have had break ups before but not with children and after so long. This is all so new but we have to sit down and work out what now. Mentioned BIL in other post but, although obviously "on my side" likes H but would be able to advise me when solicitors are involved. Again, I question what I think is alright but I hope I am heading the best way.

Alchemist Thu 07-Nov-13 22:46:43

And for the first time we all now have fucking nits. Nits! I hope he has too

holstenlips Fri 08-Nov-13 00:26:44

You're doing well Alch, even if it does feel like wading through treacle.
Blast the nits. We had worms recently !
Keep rolling

ormirian Fri 08-Nov-13 09:35:52

Oooh I so hope he has nits ...and no nitty gritty comb! <evil cackle>

Alchemist Fri 08-Nov-13 10:44:35

So today's challenge is to de-nit the DCs and myself. On the way back from the chemist I looked in the charity shop and found a lovely bottle green jumper. My favourite colour, its in the washer now and I am looking forward to wearing it. Small steps but they are steps.

Alchemist Sun 10-Nov-13 07:28:05

He is having the DCs today and I am a wreck. That fucking green jumper is not goig to help now. Am in a panic and am tring to keep it together telling the DCs how loevey it will be to spend the daywith Dad. This is torture

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 10-Nov-13 07:35:31

Your DCs will have a nice day with Dad. Do you have a friend you could meet for coffee rather than sitting home alone?

ZingWantsGin Sun 10-Nov-13 08:15:25

Alchemist I sent you a PM.

I have no wise words, but thankfully previous posters have said really great things and good advice.

You are the parent who stayed that's a very good mantra.
hope you can take your mind off things a bit today.
sending you big hugs

bragmatic Sun 10-Nov-13 08:51:21

Take care. Go out. We're all willing you to have a good day. x

HoneyandRum Sun 10-Nov-13 08:57:45

When you're going through Hell, keep going.

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 10-Nov-13 09:22:35

Ive just read through all your posts Alchemist you are doing so well. Please do something nice for you today- keep going you are doing really well.

ZingWantsGin Sun 10-Nov-13 12:15:01

how are you doing?

Alchemist Sun 10-Nov-13 16:48:51

Thank you for your kind messages. TBH I have spent most of the day on sofa with a blanket and hot water bottle. I have watched crappy tv and actually slept for a couple of hours but dreamt I had lost my children hmm so wasn't quite as relaxing as it might have been. Went for a coffee at friends and am now home waiting for them to come back.

Nearly there for today.

sarine1 Sun 10-Nov-13 18:36:08

Well done - some 'me time' for you. Hope you enjoy the rest of the evening with your children and it's not too painful. One step at a time...

ZingWantsGin Sun 10-Nov-13 18:49:53

sorry about your bad dream.
otherwise that's sounds like a good, healing day.

well done! thanks

Alchemist Mon 11-Nov-13 09:31:59

So today is going to be tricky. Its parents evening so we are meeting at the school, having the meetings and then he is taking the DC for dinner. But after this I think he is away with his job until at least Sunday when I think he wants to have them for the day again. I suppose it is reasonable enough but I will always have to be flexible because of his work. I am finding that a bit difficult, why should he still bloody dictate what and when I do things even now?

On the upside, pulled on a new pair of jeans (well new to me, love a charity shop!) which a couple of weeks ago couldn't do up. They fit just right now. Has given me a little lift.

ZingWantsGin Mon 11-Nov-13 10:08:43

congrats on the jeans!

I hope someone wise will give you advice on the "him away with work thing" - I don't know what to suggest, sorry.

parents evening - big deep breath and try and get through it somehow.
it could be a good time to mention the teacher what is going on - to reinforce that he is still responsible for their education etc.
I have no experience so I don't know what's best, it's just what I think I would do.

was it ok when your DCs got back yesterday?
how is your oldest one doing?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 11-Nov-13 10:10:04

You do not have to be flexible. It's very important for the DCs that you come up with a regular schedule (preferably agreed legally) and that everyone sticks to it. If his work gets in the way, work has to be flexible.... not you and not the DCs. It's early days in this power struggle, right now he thinks he can call the shots.... leaving the family in the lurch, calling when he wants, having the DCs when he wants... and it's important to disabuse him that the world revolves around him and set a few rules right from the off.

You take top priority here.

ZingWantsGin Mon 11-Nov-13 10:32:36

there, Cogito's got it. excellent advice.

mummymummymillionmillion Mon 11-Nov-13 14:11:01

Well done on the jeans, it sounds like you have really gone through hell and back, you poor thing. At first leaving was probably exciting, fun, carefree for him. But as that wears off and he is faced with the reality. He will need to send a large chunk of is salary to support you and the children. It might be worth moving away altogether and just focusing on your new life. I can understand why you said it is scary. Cogito is right, a schedule would be a great start but also think of your own sanity. Can you move near a relative? to get that extra support?

Vivacia Mon 11-Nov-13 14:23:41

I would avoid a confrontation about flexibility this week. Go for a formal arrangement (for the reasons Cogito outlines) and in the meantime keep a record of your reasonableness.

ZingWantsGin Mon 11-Nov-13 15:47:25

mummy

I see where you are coming from but I don't think moving away hurriedly would be helpful.
the children need stability & familiarity of the school, friends, routines, the very place they go to bed.
I think another change right now would be just too much for them.

staying put and figuring out practicalities for the immediate future is more important IMO.
that will bring emotional stability too, eventually.

Alchemist Mon 11-Nov-13 21:00:46

I AM NOT NORMALLY WOO. What a strange day its been. DCs to school and came back home and had a another very hot shower, shaved legs and pits, scrubbed away with a loopha (erm not sure os spelling), cut both finger and toenails and used a lovely body lotion. I know getting washed is not woo but I felt clean. I am on HRT and this morning finished the hormone induced bleed and after the shower I felt cleansed. Bollocks more likely but it felt comforting and warm. Daft. Or another of the firsts? It felt nice and kind.

Anyway, have not even wept a little today. Both DCs really pleased H came to Parents evening and then they went off and had KFC. They were happy. An Inset day on Friday so H is having them 10-3pm. Why couldn't he have done this when he still had a family?

So am conflicted. Miss him, don't miss him, DCs seeming ok atm. Does anyone have a recommendation for a book aged between 7 - 9 which tries to explain what's going on? Thank you again x

ZingWantsGin Mon 11-Nov-13 21:14:07

ah, I wrote a long post which I deleted by accident! angry

good you feel cleansed. beginning of the healing process.
also good you had an ok day - you don't have to cry daily you know!

(it's loofahwink )

Alchemist Mon 11-Nov-13 21:17:06

Zing You make me smile smile x

ZingWantsGin Mon 11-Nov-13 21:29:20

I'm glad I dosmile

Alchemist Mon 11-Nov-13 21:35:48

You know, this man has been a twat for at least a couple of years. I totally lost myself. Me. I am now a mother first but I do need more. More for now is just to get back to me and to be as good as I can to the DCs.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. The way its going to work out is that DD is at a Brownies day which she really wants to got to, so that means H will have DS for the day and then take them for something to eat when DD's day finishes. Of course I don't want them away but now I have to let them do what makes them happy. I must do something on that day and I will. I will do it.

ZingWantsGin Mon 11-Nov-13 21:46:42

that's the spirit! and how exciting!

Minime85 Mon 11-Nov-13 22:00:02

mum and dad glue. more for 5-6 yr olds but I've just used with my 8 and 6 yr olds and was reassuring for them, nice story. also I dont want to talk about it which I felt was better for eldest.

my h left Friday after 13yrs. he too making effort now with kids where as before anything they did was always my idea initially. I enjoyed the time I had to myself Sunday when he had them. so try to see the positives.

I too am dictated by his work, have been anyway for 10yrs! but I'm calling the shots to try and create some forward planning and routine for dcs.

good luck.

Alchemist Tue 12-Nov-13 11:27:43

Thanks Minime, will look them out. I am sorry to learn you are going through similar.

What a morning. All ready to leave for school and DD remembers to feed her hamster and shouts out it is doing "something funny". DS screams as they are watching the hamster in its death throws. Poor wee thing. DS just completely lost it and just sobbed. I tookDD to school as DD still wanted to go in but have kept DS home with me. It doesn't take much to work out it wasn't just because of the hamster sad.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 12-Nov-13 11:46:53

Sorry about the hamster. On the plus side, it could be a useful conversation-starter. How it's OK to be sad about things from time to time, for example, and sometimes rubbish stuff happens that we can't prevent, no matter how much we want to.

ZingWantsGin Tue 12-Nov-13 13:59:00

sorry about the hamster.sad
I remember when mine died and it brokemy heart.
but if I was Woo I'd say it feels like "good timing" IYSWIM.

he is now able to express grief and as Cogito said it you can explain things to him and get closer to him on a deeper lever.

poor boy. it's going to be hard for him.sad

holding your hands from afar

Alchemist Wed 13-Nov-13 14:25:58

It has been really interesting how the DCs are responding. DS just wants to be with me/at home and, up until yesterday, emotions kept under. DD is now just so angry with everything and screamed this morning that it is Dad's fault the hamster died and made me (as in Mum) miserable.

I am giving as much as I can with loving, cuddles, talking anything they want/need atm but also saying that their Dad loves them too. That fucking sticks in the throat I can tell you. Any advice?

As for me I am up and down but it really had been so awful for at least this past year, I do keep feeling waves of relief coming over me but the next minute I am crying again. Just keep on going I suppose.

Alchemist Wed 13-Nov-13 14:34:15

I don't have to keep it in anymore, that man was a complete bastard to me over the past year. At times I really thought I was going mad/already was. Things that happened and he denied, telling me how shit I am and how shit I look. I still feel that.

BUT FUCK HIM I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE IT ANYMORE.

Alchemist Wed 13-Nov-13 14:37:39

Belittling me, rejecting me (Why would I want that?), being mr fucking charm itself with everyone else but me.

What a cunt.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 13-Nov-13 14:37:47

"That fucking sticks in the throat I can tell you. Any advice?"

Be as honest as you can. Say nothing rather than forcing yourself to say anything that sticks in your throat. It's his responsibility to tell them he loves them really, isn't it? You're not his PR agent

ZingWantsGin Wed 13-Nov-13 16:31:29

I hope you don't tink it's just a standard response, but have you thought of counselling?
your GP can put you in contact with the local person - there's normally a waiting list.

I think it would be useful to get in contact now, don't even think about it, just get the ball rolling.
by the time you have the appointment/sessions offered to you you might not need it anyway or you might need it more than you thought you would.

I had anxiety and panic attacks and suffered from insomnia when I was pg with DS4 and stayed at our PILs for 2months while the first phase of our loft conversion was done.
we moved back two days before he was born.

GP put me on the waiting list when I was 8m pg, and baby was about 8 weeks old by the time I had an appointment to go.
I didn't think I needed it by then, but I thought I'd go for one session then cancel.
I went for 6 weeks (standard length) and asked for another 6 weeks extension.

it was great. I still feel the benefits (7 years ago).

I know it's not the same situation and I don't claim to know what's best for you, but it is certainly something you could try.

I'm so sorry you were treated so badly, you are clearly better off without that toxic man.

ZingWantsGin Wed 13-Nov-13 16:38:05

oops, bit long and I didn't mean to make it about me. sorry

Alchemist Wed 13-Nov-13 19:17:29

Oh thank you for replying. I just don't know how to explain, or try to, why he has gone to the DC. Do you think if more ?? I could try with "Mummy can only say what she knows/feels. If you have more ?? ask me and I'll see if I can help?" sort of reply?

I saw my GP when this all first happened and he has referred me to the counselling so am waiting for that to happen. I mentioned above that my DM, DDad, DSis and DBro have all gone - I was offered counselling after my Dsis's death but refused it. I thought I was not the type to want to talk about "stuff" and just get on with it. Well, I was wrong and I do want to talk.

Just typing this out has made the thought cross my mind that I might have just been clinging on because I am frightened to be on my own. Problem is, I was already alone. I think counselling is gong to be a positive step and will hopefully help me along. I have been taking citalopram for nearly two weeks and although I am tired I do feel some measure of, I don't know, but I think I am slightly more even and am also seeing this as a positive.

I really mean my thanks to you for your kind and straight-talking posts. I cannot express my gratitude to be able to write this down and have your help. Nest of vipers, my slightly smaller arse. thanks

ZingWantsGin Wed 13-Nov-13 19:42:51

do you know why he left?
no.

say you don't know. because it's true.
kids can deal with you being honest.

tell them to ask him. It's his job to answer that question, not yours!
let him squirm, the bastard.

ZingWantsGin Wed 13-Nov-13 19:55:19

oh, I'm glad you are on the waiting list!

it must be hard to admit those feelings.
but the first steps to solving any problem are admitting that there's a problem & identifying what the problem is (are).
clarity is so important and you'll get there.

I'm so sorry you don't have your family to help you - but as someone said here (or on another thread? ) you know what they would say so listen to them.

as you said, expressing your feelings and thoughts will help you figure things out, so keep posting, keep talking.
we are here for you!thanks

Hectorhugh Wed 13-Nov-13 22:59:34

That's shite, sorry to hear it. If he's taking that route, you must be better off without him. As hard as that is, it must be the way to go, and if it is the way to go, better to get that in your head.

Alchemist Fri 15-Nov-13 16:45:55

Anyway, they seemed happy enough and we have a busy weekend planned.

I changed the sitting room around a bit today and have the fire going, some smelly candles, a magazine (can't seem to concentrate on reading a book), some wine for later. And I will sit, at peace, in a room I have made the way I want and I think I will enjoy it.

Alchemist Fri 15-Nov-13 16:49:55

Wah, I typed a post before this one and lost it. H had the kids today 9.30 - 3pm. They had an inset day and he said he was "around". Took their swimming stuff but they ended up going to Uncle X's to watch tv/play on ipad while H worked. They went for lunch at MacD's and then back to Uncle X's to do more of the same until H called and said he had to drop them back early at 2pm "because of work". hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 15-Nov-13 17:03:49

This is why you need a much firmer (legally binding) contact schedule. Ad hoc random days where they are shuttled between uncles, TV and fast food joints are not a long-term solution. He has to commit to them.

Alchemist Fri 15-Nov-13 17:47:16

Cognito, I totally agree. BIL is coming over on Sunday, between us we are going to start going through, well, all that is coming. I do feel weak needing his help but I think once we get going things will come together. I do need BIL though atm.

Alchemist Fri 15-Nov-13 18:18:06

And seem to be playing many Smiths songs. Now that is a long-term love affair.

MyBoilsAreFab Fri 15-Nov-13 19:08:01

That'll cheer you up Alchemist smile A great love affair of mine also.

Alchemist Fri 15-Nov-13 19:29:40

smile / sad

redundantandbitter Fri 15-Nov-13 19:33:43

The Smiths... Oh now you're talking my language

MyBoilsAreFab Fri 15-Nov-13 21:07:19

Heaven knows we're all miserable now
That Joke isn't funny anymore
What Difference does it Make

And other cliched advice to you Alchemist. Stay strong flowers (not gladioli sorry)

redundantandbitter Fri 15-Nov-13 21:16:48

There is a light that never goes out.., story of my bloody
Life.

Good luck OP. you sound amazing. How are your DC's doing?

Alchemist Sat 16-Nov-13 23:36:17

Not one of his family have been intouch with the DCs apart from Uncle X but that was becausethey went round there but accoding to "sources" there is a big family lunch to have a celebration meal. A fucking celebration. And according to h he cant see the dcs tomorrow because he is working. This is the future. Just in my knees. Can't see a way forward.

skyeskyeskye Sat 16-Nov-13 23:56:12

Just thread your whole thread to date. Am sorry that you are going through this. I agree that you need to get some proper access arranged so that you both know where you stand.

You could go to mediation to discuss it with the help of qualified mediators. I had to do that with my XH to get him to see that he couldn't keep messing me, and more importantly, DD, around.

There is a way forward, there is a future. You can't see it right now, but you will. My XH destroyed me by walking out last Easter. It was very sudden, a huge shock to me. But although it has been a slow journey for me, it HAS got better.

Stay strong, stay positive. Get your counselling, get some good legal advice. All these things will help you to feel better and to regain control of your life.

holeymoleyinaholey Sun 17-Nov-13 00:40:00

Things will get sorted, you will feel more in control. Start tomorrow with your BIL. Fuck his family and their celebration, if they want to sit there and pretend he isn't a total pillock then that says all you need to know. You are better off without them.

So, anymore charity shop bargains? Done anything to make yourself smile?

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 07:49:25

When is/was the celebration? What's it for and are your children invited?

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 07:49:55

Oh, and get access arrangements formalised.

Alchemist Sun 17-Nov-13 07:58:57

The celebration/commiseration is today. The last time the whole lot of them sat down together was when I cooked fucking Christmas lunch for them two years ago. Well, I'm sure they will have a lovely time discussing H's new life. I have never felt so bitter.

I will begin to get access etc sorted. I just want that man away from me.

willdivorcesoon Sun 17-Nov-13 08:45:53

Just read your thread.

I am a year down the line but so much of what you have written resonates with me. I was with my h for 10yrs, married 7 with two small children who were 5 & 2 when he left. This last year has been like no other in terms of the emotions I've gone through. Its been the hardest year of my life but i do feel now that I've turned a corner and am looking to the future much more positively.

I recommend counselling. I've had quite a bit over the year, some free but some I paid for which was expensive but I figured I couldn't put a price on getting my head healthy for the sake of the children.

When my eldest asked any questions as to why Daddy didn't live with us anymore I would tell him as gently as I could that daddy wasnt happy and sometimes when people aren't happy they have to go and find ways to remedy this. Beyond that, in response to further questioning I told him to talk to his daddy about it. I don't mind answering some of his questions but didn't see why I had to deal with all of it. My h had to shoulder some of the responsibility. My eldest has struggled the most. He has been prone to lots of unexplained crying over the year and I've literally had to pick up a broken hearted little boy from the floor sobbing when his daddy's visit was over. Just awful. But a year on he too seems to have turned a corner and is getting onto an even keel.

Be kind to yourself. Its a huge adjustment and a massive life changing event. Its hard but you will get there.

Alchemist Sun 17-Nov-13 16:23:41

BIL came over as we arranged and took the DCs swimming. We arranged to meet in town, he took us to Pizza Express and then gave me my early birthday present. A pair of boots I have been wanting and the DCs took him there and got them. There was a bit of happy crying today.

I just want to be pissed and not think.

Vivacia Sun 17-Nov-13 20:22:09

He sounds a good egg, your brother-in-law.

Alchemist Tue 19-Nov-13 19:10:11

I am becoming consumed by the thoughts of them being together. I wonder of she/they feel they've "won" because now he has left. What a prize. What a fool I've been.

DD is an aged 7 ball of fury all directed at me. DS had a bad day at school. He started to cry about Dad and was so upset the school called me in. sad

I saw H's brother in the street today. He looked like a rabbit in the headlights and turned and walked away as fast as he could. We have just be completely rejected by them all. I am surprised at how bloody hurt I am by this but after nearly 20 fucking years of knowing me a hello would have done.

DoesZingBumpLookBigInThis Tue 19-Nov-13 19:14:52

Alchemist

that is appalling. poor you. poor kids.
thanks

Vivacia Tue 19-Nov-13 19:35:49

Is that the same brother-in-law who spent time with you this weekend?

Alchemist Tue 19-Nov-13 20:20:37

No, BIL on Sunday is my sister's husband/widower. BIL today is H's brother.

Alchemist Thu 21-Nov-13 17:57:55

Well, what a difference in a few days smile.

Tuesday was grim but on Wed woke up, got dcs to school, came back and cleared all the rest of his stuff out of the bedroom. I have a whole new wardrobe to use. This made me smile. Cleaned room, fresh bedding, all lovely. No tears just felt a bit nothing. Emailed to let him known it was waiting. Would have been lovely to climb in with fresh PJs and stretch out but the DCs had the same idea smile.

Woke up this morning and felt alright. Went to work for 4 hours. All fine. He came to collect it about 4.30pm today so he could see DCs too. "Does it all have to go now?" "Can't we wait a bit?" "I could stay and we can have a drink?" All pleading eyes. "No, thanks" I replied. I feel fantastic atm but aware this won't last but I feel GREAT!

I am wondering if this is the citalopram kicking in but am thinking if this stuff is supposed to get you on an even keel, then what I must be feeling is more or less how I was feeling before all this madness started. I think I know what I mean but think the above might be a bit garbled.

The DCs seemed fine with him in and out. It was Hi Dad/Bye Dad really. We'll see as the evening progresses.

I read this thread before typing this. It's a journey alright but I thank you for your help. I think I might be using this as a bit of a diary so please don't feel you need to reply but again, thank you thanks.

Alchemist Thu 21-Nov-13 18:03:36

Ha! Just made myself snort thinking I should ask MNHQ to change the title to It hurts slightly less smile.

Minime85 Thu 21-Nov-13 18:12:54

ah so hood to read u are feeling better. it is a day at a time isn't it. I did what u did- stripped beds etc. I too feel nothing much about empty draws and have started to put my things in.

more than anything I'm cross he has done this to our family unit. his loss.

here's to a new future. good luck smile

frogmore6 Thu 21-Nov-13 18:18:33

This is exactly what happened to me 2 year ago and it's still hurting!

Alchemist Thu 21-Nov-13 18:48:01

I'm so sorry you are still feeling so sad. Three weeks now, still early days...

babycow38 Fri 22-Nov-13 17:06:26

Hi Alchemist, i have been following your story from the begginning as i too split with my partner of 16 years seven weeks ago. Its slightly different in that i found out completely by accident that he had taken some woman to a hotel for the night when he said he was on a works night out, since then though i have gone through every emotion you describe,its the worst feeling in the world,we have two DD age 11 and 16 and the eldest just wants to be with her dad and i have moved into another house with the youngst, he treated me like i was nothing after i confronted him,tried blaming it on me, and refused even to this day to tell me why,details even if he is still shagging her! i feel bereft,alone and completely discarded

Alchemist Sun 24-Nov-13 06:57:33

Babycow I am so sorry, I can feel your pain through your post. I think we all have to remember the baby steps. We will get there at some point and what an achievement that will be.

So, today is my 45th birthday and not quite how I imagined 45 to be hmm. H is picking up the DCs at 9.30am as DD has a Brownie day and he is having DS for the day. They will be back at 6pm. I am going for just a quiet pub lunch with On My Side BIL, 2 DNephews and a friend. TBH I just need a bit of company for a few hours and then I think I will be alright.

BUT the most amazing thing has happened! Some friends are moving and have asked me to look after their dog for a week. H hated dogs and I could have collected 20 cats and he wouldn't have batted an eyelid. No dogs though. Ha! Balls to him, DCs thrilled, me thrilled and that's that. So, roll on this afternoon for the best and most healing thing that has happened in a while.

Wishing you a good day x

Alchemist Sun 24-Nov-13 07:08:06

I should have mentioned that SIL (married to H's brother) called rround on Friday with a bottle of fizzy wine and a cat. We had a talk and she said they have hardly seen H, he has not told them anything, refuses to engage at all. She also send H's brothers apologies for not talking to me on Tuesday. He just freaked basically but sent me a message of support and offered to help if he can. That has made a big difference. Still no word from MIL or H's sister.

Alchemist Sun 24-Nov-13 07:09:06

Wine and card not wine and cat!

myroomisatip Sun 24-Nov-13 07:26:22

smile Shame it was not a cat.. I got two kittens when I got my own place and they constantly make me smile and giggle.

But seriously, I am glad that you are feeling better and that his family have not cut ties with you.

Hope you have fun with the dog.

Minime85 Sun 24-Nov-13 07:47:09

alchemist great to hear you are getting the dog. enjoy your birthday. might not be how u planned it at all but sounds to me like u are seeing the positives. small steps. small steps smile

DoesZingBumpLookBigInThis Sun 24-Nov-13 09:36:27

Happy Birthday Alchemist!
even though it will be different from what you imagined I hope you have a lovely day!
cakethanks

BitOutOfPractice Sun 24-Nov-13 09:52:21

Happy birthday OP. You sound like you're doing really great

Alchemist Sun 24-Nov-13 16:55:47

Horrible morning, nice afternoon, now have dog for a wek. I want to die,#]

Vivacia Sun 24-Nov-13 17:11:54

What's happening for you tonight Alchemist?

Alchemist Mon 25-Nov-13 05:51:20

oh the flipping floodgates opened last night. I knew it would happen sad.

I think it was having Big Dog to cuddle and feeling extremely sorry for myself plus 4 glasses of wine and then some Baileys. I have been avoiding alcohol and have now proved I was right to! I apologise for my post above.

Also, drink does not help when your DD (slight but strong as an ox) spends the night being sick. Poor love, she has gone back to sleep now, I have Big Dog curled around my feet and am drinking coffee from my new birthday mug with Smiths lyrics on it. I am sorry for my daftness last night thanks

myroomisatip Mon 25-Nov-13 06:04:20

Awww hey there is no need to apologise. flowers

It helps to have a good cry.

I hope you have a better day today.

Vivacia Mon 25-Nov-13 06:24:16

No need to apologise but appreciate you taking the time to let us all know that you're feeling as though things are in a bit of perspective this morning. I think having a dog there sounds like a good idea - lots of affection and time out in the fresh air.

sarine1 Mon 25-Nov-13 09:16:26

I am full of admiration for how you are managing such a horrible situation. Floodgates are fine (and the dog sounds perfect). Your children are so lucky to have such a strong and insightful parent. Of course you wobble - that's part of the process.
A belated happy birthday

DoesZingBumpLookBigInThis Mon 25-Nov-13 10:01:18

no need to apologise and it's good to cry.

you know there's a sweary thread - it's for ranting.
I can link it later if you haven't found it.wink

Mrscaindingle Mon 25-Nov-13 10:11:36

Hi Alchemist, I too have been following your posts, my ex and I split in June this year after 19 years and a lot of your posts have struck a chord with me. He was working abroad and phoned me to tell me he didn't want to come back and that it was over.

Often I feel like it's one step forward and one step back but generally the really bad days are lessening slightly. I have 2 Dc aged 12 and 9, the 12 yr old has taken it very badly and is not talking to his Dad which is hard.

It sounds really corny but I am learning to have a relationship with myself, treat myself a bit more gently than I used to and not really think too much about the future just getting through today. I am also avoiding too much alcohol as it just makes me more depressed.

There seems to be a lot of similar stories on the boards at the moment and some of the people who post on here have really helped me. At the very least you know you're not alone, hope you are feeling better. flowers

Alchemist Tue 26-Nov-13 09:38:39

Thank you all for being so kind.

Just having a bit of a wobble now as H has just called to ask if he can have the DCs overnight on Friday. Of course I agreed as it fits in with what we are doing at the weekend. I am having to miss work due to DD still being off, so am hoping I can get a few hours in on Saturday to catch up. He will bring them back about 3pm.

Being practical it works but oh how I don't want them away from me. A comfort is that I will still have Big Dog but, that is saddish too, as he goes home on Sunday. The DCs are loving Big Dog and I have promised, once we are properly sorted, we will get a dog. Of course, I am being totally selfless here and am only doing it for the children smile.

I suppose I will have to get used to them being away overnight/holidays with H but, this first time, I hate it but at least Big Dog is here that night.

Alchemist Tue 26-Nov-13 09:40:37

Mrscain Thank you for your message. It is encouraging to know the days get slightly less grim. I am NOT drinking on Friday night!

BitOutOfPractice Tue 26-Nov-13 09:44:24

MrsCain I'm so sorry you have been on the receiving end of such arseholery as well. He phoned you to end your 19 year marriage? Really? What a spineless twat. Really really low angry Sending you strength as well

Alchemist the firsts are always hard but it sounds like you very sensibly have a plan with how to get through it.

Minime85 Tue 26-Nov-13 20:31:08

mine were due to stay last week, having been over a couple of times to his for tea and at weekend but my eldest dd didn't want to stay . and youngest didn't without her so they didn't go. he came here instead and put to bed then came back in morning to do school run. have told eldest she doesn't have to stay until ready.

I hate that I will have to miss out on things because he has done this to us so know exactly where u are coming from.

like u trying to take the positives from time I will get on my own and in knowledge that most nights they with me. in my home.

Alchemist Sat 30-Nov-13 16:06:17

Just testing as my laptop has been playing up and I keep writing posts and they disappear. Hope this works!

Alchemist Sun 01-Dec-13 08:20:58

So glad the clean up on laptop worked! I have really missed being able to "talk" to you. I know that sounds very needy/bit pathetic but I have come to rely on your posts as I am not talking much about this in rl as I just want to keep things as "private" as possible.

We are off now for a long dog walk. Big Dog goes home today and I am already missing him. I hope you have all been keeping well x

BitOutOfPractice Sun 01-Dec-13 13:09:29

Hello Alchemist - like the new title grin

It's not pathetic or needy. It's good to get it out. I wish I had had the courage to pst here when my world collapsed in January.

Minime85 Sun 01-Dec-13 21:48:16

I think its harder to talk about it in rl. I've had emotional weekend as saw friend not seen face to face yet so had to go all through it. again. its unsettled me completely. I wanted to sob today.

sorry big dog is going but hope he has been exactly what u needed. your messages sound more spritely smile

Alchemist Mon 02-Dec-13 19:05:49

Big Dog was the most perfect guest for us all. I spent so much time walking him I think my arms are just a bit more toned smile, he is a strong Big Dog. The DCs, especially DS, loved having him here. Such a beautiful, calm, kind and big creature. Happily, we are now his official holiday home for the future.

The DCs spent Friday night with H and came back in the afternoon. I had hoped to work but came down with the same bug DD had so boss told me not to come in as he didn't want to get it. Fair enough, I thought while panicking about a) money and b) food in the house. Later on there was a knock on the door and there stood boss with a big bag of fresh fruit, veg and eggs (is a grocer), bottle of wine and an envelope he told me to open later. Told me he knew I would be worrying and he didn't want me to panic, so to get better and back to work this week. Opened the envelope and inside was £20. Bawled my eyes out. Just so kind, I am very lucky.

DCs enjoyed their visit. Didn't really talk about it but said they had a nice time. Looks like he is having them again this Friday. I've done it now so this time doesn't look too daunting.

As far as I am feeling I think Meh sums it up. Just a bit nothingy but more able to get on. The mornings are for me the worst. DS sneaked into my bed and I woke up cuddling him and thought, just for a second it was H and said his name, DS said no its me. I did have a wee cry at that.

Alchemist Thu 05-Dec-13 19:14:47

I think I have been a bit previous with the title change. I have spent today just in a mess. I have cried and cried and fucking cried. n I cannot tell you why but it has hjst been one of the worst days since he left. DCs went to friends for tea, came back, took a look at me (mad puffy eyes) and have just got ready for bed. Came in the kitchen and chanted together "We have dne our teeth and will read for a bit. We think you need quiet time." Fucking hell, am being counselled by 9&7 year olds. Just heafd in hands.

I do have the first CBT session tomorrow. TBH I don't know mich about it and haven't googled but think it c\an't make things worse.

am dreading tomorrow night. just dreading them being gone and me alone. Am ppanicing now what the fuck will I be like tomorrow

Loopytiles Thu 05-Dec-13 20:01:59

Hi alchemist, sorry you're having a bad day, hope tomorrow is better brew. You are doing really well and will be OK. It's sweet that your DC can look after you occasionally, they sound loving and caring!

savemefromrickets Thu 05-Dec-13 20:18:14

Poor you. The time without the kids is hard but it is time when you don't have to hold it together and you can let it all out without worrying that it will upset them.

I have had counselling and I found it helpful to be on my own later that day so I could reflect on everything. I hope it's the same for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Minime85 Thu 05-Dec-13 20:24:41

so sorry to hear you're have a bad day. I think we think we are plodding along reasonably well and something triggers a bad day. mine was making a solicitors appointment. then bang I had a few bad days. but you will come out the other side. you will be better for it. try and plan your time for whilst they are away. I do work and go to Costa or an exercise class. doesn't mean I like it but I'm not sitting in an empty house either. smile

omuwalamulungi Thu 05-Dec-13 20:41:02

Just read your thread, I'm really sorry this happened. Your kids sound just lovely.

Good luck with the counselling/CBT. flowers

whitsernam Thu 05-Dec-13 20:52:24

OP I have been through much of this myself, and I found time alone after counseling was SO valuable! And you also get to be proud of yourself later when the Cs come back, that you got through the time alone and you're still standing! I do hope you have friends you are planning to spend time with, or something you really want to do in this time. Making holiday treats? Something to surprise them with?

You will have up and down days, but you can be so proud of yourself for getting this far and look ahead to how you're setting such a great example for your kids. grin

Alchemist Fri 06-Dec-13 11:52:06

Thanks for your replies, I read them this morning and felt a bit calmer.

Had the first CBT session and I just mainly talked. She is sending me some "homework" and we have arranged the next session.

Karma has intervened again! Big Dog's owner just aasked if I could have him for the weekend. OH YES! Much better today.

myroomisatip Fri 06-Dec-13 12:08:06

I am sure it is perfectly normal to have bad days but they will become fewer and less often.

Your DC sound amazing smile Brought tears to my eyes.

I hope you have a good weekend, so glad you will have the dog again. I have my cats smile

Alchemist Sun 08-Dec-13 20:39:37

H had the DCs Friday night till 5 on Saturday. I took Big Dog for a very long, dark walk down the woods and it was lovely. Got home, had a shower, slathered myself in moisturiser and into PJs. Spent the evening snuggled up to Big Dog and it was a nice evening.

Saturday morning was so quiet. Had to work, so got on with it. H came into my work for no real reason which left me in floods. The 16 year old Saturday lad was horrified smile. We have been mainly contacting each other via email/text so this totally threw me. I know I do still love H, even though it is driving me mad, I know I don't like him very much. Where this leaves me though I just don't know.

Alchemist Sun 08-Dec-13 20:44:06

Have just painted my nails sparkly silver and keep looking at the twinkles. Am I being a bit racy for a 45 year old shock smile.

omuwalamulungi Sun 08-Dec-13 21:59:17

The thing about love is that sometimes you just have to keep going until there's none left.

You'll get there, when you're feeling down make lists of all the annoying things about him that you don't have to put up with any more, all the things you want to do in the future, and all the things you can do for yourself instead smile

Do little nice things for yourself as often as you can. I think you're doing well. flowers

Loggins Sun 08-Dec-13 22:29:08

Sparkly silver sounds great Alch. Have you got a sparkly red for your toes?
Must get round to mine...they have half of the summer effort left on them!

Alchemist Mon 09-Dec-13 05:44:46

Ha! I do have red sparkly toes! Rimmel has an offer on and I am tempted by each colour... but have enough now. I don't usually wear polish on my fingers and have been wearing a griegey sort of colour on my toes. Just seeinb the colour and sparkles is a bit cheering. Of course DD has her beady eyes on them! Sorry am rambling on now.

Saw my GP on Friday afternoon to chat about how the citalopram is working for me. Came out with 5 prescriptions and am sure I had palpatations when the chemist told me (mind blanked out at this point) that the price would be about £46! Well, am very grateful for the GP/NHS for helping me and still have joint credit card.

Another week beginning, let's see what it brings. Wishing a good day to you x

Loggins Mon 09-Dec-13 10:23:39

Yay to the card! Treat yourself...tis nearly Christmas smile

Hope you have a good day, any wobbles look at your nails and remember your sparkle x

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 10:53:55

Oh alchemist just read your thread. I love the way you are able to verbalise. My DP lest on Thursday, we have been together for 20 years, I threw him out because life had become so unbearable. Still hurts like hell, can even bring myself to speak with him right now. Thinking of going to GP, how are finding Ad's?

Alchemist Mon 09-Dec-13 13:16:55

Blossom just saw your message. I am so sorry. I have to go now as now have DS off with the vomiting bug but will come back when things have settled down. Take care x

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 13:21:41

hugs for your DS, hope he gets better soon.

Loggins Thu 12-Dec-13 17:01:25

How are you doing Alch?

Alchemist Fri 13-Dec-13 05:20:47

Sorry I haven't been on but DS was sick everywhere for a couple of days and then I went down with it again hmm. This divorce lark and two bouts of this bug, am I am quite the svelte thing! <looking for positives>.

Blossom I started taking citalopram just a few days after H left and I haven't noticed any side effects (tiredness/feeling sick etc) as I was already feeling it due to the situation. I was very anxious. AFAIK it does take a few weeks to begin to kick in and I am really feeling the benefit. I was talking about this on another thread and a poster said that it takes the rough edges off. I totally agree with that. It doesn't make you got WooHoo all is well with the woerld but it does give you (again, my personal opinion) a better sense of balance and a level of calmness. I hope you read this and let me know how you are. I truly understand and am sending positive vibes your way.

Nice things which happened this week. A Christmas tree was delivered to my door with a note saying that the sender wishes the DCs and me a great time then My SIde BIL gave me £100 to get some presents for the DCS. What with H leaving in November and the bouts of sickness (missing work, don't work =no pay), I haven't planned anything. Not at work on Monday so am off to town to do a bit of shopping.

Loggins Sat 14-Dec-13 01:55:14

Hey Alch, goes to show there are a lot of kind people about. Have a lovely time decorating your tree and shopping. There are tons of sales, £100 will go along way smile

Alchemist Tue 17-Dec-13 07:03:06

H had the dcs over the weekend and on Sunday night I was putting dcs stuff in the wash when I found a black lacy bra and knickers set. Quite nice actually. Not mine, DD, DS or H's. \I spent a very satisfying 10 minutes chopping the fucking things up. I know he has an OW (still denying) but I don't want to see things like that. Either by accident or design, it still hurts. One thing is that the dcs didn't meet this woman or I would know. They would not be able to keep that in.

Had a few tears, dyed my hair quite a vibrant red, wrapped all presents (all displacement but still). I don#'t really know how I feel about this but I am not quite as broken. It still hurts though sad.

Alchemist Tue 17-Dec-13 18:41:04

The spineless fucker Skyped DCs as is ovewseas then asked to talk to me. He told me he is in love with Ms Frilly Knickers and wants us to divorce asap so they can be together properly. Told him to fuck off and swiytched off.

DCs are upstairs mucking around and I have to keep it together until they go to bed. I just want to scream. that fucker has ripped me and this family apart for the sake of his cock. I don't know what to do what can Ido/

Alchemist Tue 17-Dec-13 18:42:05

AND a fucking bird shat on me today. BASTARDS.

HowGoodIsThat Tue 17-Dec-13 19:01:21

Shitey McShite. He waits to tell you over Skype? As an after thought from talking to his kids. He's a real prince among men, isn't he. Arse.

I thought that a bird shitting on you was lucky? At least its easily wiped of - if only the same could be done for your Shite-man.

You are not broken. He can not break you.

Alchemist Tue 17-Dec-13 20:05:50

I am beyond fury here. I honestly feel like howling, that would be the sounds of the emotions going through me. feel like I coulg just rip him ti pieces and fucking love it.

its just agony.

HowGoodIsThat Tue 17-Dec-13 20:10:33

Can you go outside and have a good scream at a tree? Or go into a shed and wilfully destroy something? SOunds like you need to give something a huge kick.

Alchemist Tue 17-Dec-13 20:16:09

DCs still up but would like to take a fucking hammer to his fucking precious Omega watch. I wom't though, I'll fucking sell it. I've never felt like this ever and I don't ever want to feel it again.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 17-Dec-13 20:16:37

I hope the OW has read about the Red Flags - isn't one of the main ones to see how a man treats other women and his exes. Well if she's sitting by watching this she should be seeing red flags everywhere.

What an utter arse!

Skype?! FFS!! angry

I'm so sorryhe's putting you through this what

Alchemist Tue 17-Dec-13 20:20:05

It's scary. I don't know how I would react if he were here in person. I think I would go for him. This is not me at all.

DCs were so happy to talk and see him. I want to scratch his eyes out.

HowGoodIsThat Tue 17-Dec-13 20:21:17

I guess the cat is finally out of the bag now, so to speak. You know what you are dealing with - you guessed as much in your original post.

Angry is good for now - it'll keep you fuelled.

He is SO an arse. An uber-arse. Enormo-arse.

Loggins Tue 17-Dec-13 20:22:09

What a git. Have you got anything of his left in the house that you can smash/cut up?
Bloody Skype!? I tell him to sing for his divorce but being rational the sooner you are shot of him the better. I take it he'd agree that you can divorce him on the grounds of adultery then...tosser

HowGoodIsThat Tue 17-Dec-13 20:22:38

I'm feeling like I'd like to scratch his eyes out and I don't know the arse.

FFS - they conform to the script time after time after time.

Minime85 Tue 17-Dec-13 21:04:17

so sorry he is putting you through this. its good to get it all out though. when dcs gone to bed have a good scream. go to car and sit in there and do it.

just so heartless and undermines everything. I think you should get Christmas done and take stock of everything. dont decide anything about divorce with the rawness of emotion. go see a solicitor after Christmas and get some legal advice.

the most important thing now is you and the dcs. you will be ok. he may have broken you now but you will mend. you will be able to love again and smile and find happiness. dont let him have the satisfaction . brew

Alchemist Wed 18-Dec-13 07:20:09

Thanks so much for replying. The GP gave me sleeping tablets a while ago, so I took one last night. I slept but am still raging. Plan to take DCs to school and I am off to the woods (pouring with rain) and I am going to have a walk and scream for an hour or two.

He is SO an arse. An uber-arse. Enormo-arse. This actually raised a grim smile.

Alchemist Wed 18-Dec-13 07:27:54

Meant to say "pouring with rain which suits my mood". He will be skping the DCs but I will not physically see him until he collects DCs on Christmas eve and when he brings them back Chisstmas am.

Spineless, heartless bastard. Would quite like to kick him in the balls <muses>

HowGoodIsThat Wed 18-Dec-13 09:38:01

Glad you slept. Sleep helps.

I hope you are out have a good stompy walk and a rage.

Then you can crack on with formulating a Plan.

Alchemist Sat 21-Dec-13 19:16:49

How can I ever trust anyone again? I ean, I trusted him and was proved to be very wrong. The very thought of ever opening up to someone again is making me shake. I am questioning all relationships I have and I feel mad and paranoid. I don't trust me or my judgement.

It feels just like when he left. I don't want him and I mean that but it is killing me so I dnt understand why I am so upset.

Minime85 Sat 21-Dec-13 21:28:53

has anything triggered it today? its still so very raw and new. kids breaking up from school makes the reality of Christmas more real I think too. and what it means to be having Christmas in this new reality. I'm guessing you are same as me in just never thinking this would be your reality.

I just still hope he might turn around and say I got it all wrong I've been such an idiot.

instead I found myself crying with my two DDS earlier whilst he is out again!

I think we need to ride the bad days as best we can and I hope over time there will be more good than bad.

thinking of you and hope you manage to have some smiles with dcs over holidays thanks

Alchemist Sun 22-Dec-13 05:55:15

Thanks Minime I don't think there is any one thing, just I suppose it is still early days. I find it incredible he has just walked away from us and thinks having the DC overnight makes him some sort of super dad. Over Christmas we had worked out he would have DC Christmas eve night and bring the DC to me for 11am, then DC and I set off for On My Side BIL's house for the day and night. H would then collect them Boxing Day and have them overnight. That's changed as he now has to drop them back BD night because "of work". It took me a few days gto get there but then realised I should have said "No matey, you will have to arrange your childcare instead of thinking I will pick up the slack".

Alchemist Sun 22-Dec-13 06:04:04

Poor darling DS is really showing his emotions but not in a good way sad.

I had to collect him from school because he told the teacher he had been sick (bit of a history, bullying and using the same routine to get out of school. That appears to be sorted now but strangely same boy who was bullying DS is being quite kind to him now, other boy's parents split a year ago). So when sickness didn't work he burst into tears and wet himself in class sad. He told me he just wanted to be with me.

DD still cannot stand me because I won't let Daddy back. No amount of explaining or listening to her can make her change her mind but she still clings to me. I am a bit lost as to how to help them.

Finally, a bit of good news! Big Dog is coming today for just over a week. That has lifted this households spirits. As he is such a big dog he is able to cope with all the loving which gets showered on him smile.

Thank you for letting me ramble thanks.

Alchemist Sun 22-Dec-13 06:07:55

Sorry! One last thing. MIL called me last week and "wants to see me and discuss the situation we are causing for her DS". Won't that be fun? She is coming today. I am aiming to be calm and cool but cannot guarantee that.

myroomisatip Sun 22-Dec-13 07:30:55

Sorry that things are hard for you sad

Why would you agree to meet your MIL? I know I wouldn't.

MissScatterbrain Sun 22-Dec-13 08:00:18

Sorry things are still so hard - keep telling yourself this will pass. Its good that you are already learning fast that he has to organise his own childcare instead of messing you and DC around.

As for MIL - do not see her if you don't want to. Make it clear that HE is the one who is causing the situation, not you - fucking cheek.

ShedWood Sun 22-Dec-13 08:56:03

I have to echo MissS, if your MIL starts to talk about the situation "you" have created, pull her up every time and say "NO, this situation was created because your son wanted to desert his family so he could have sex with another woman" broken record style until she gets it.

This is NOT your fault, please do not let anyone try and tell you that it is.

You need to reiterate repeatedly that you are horrified about the distress that your Ex is willing to put onto his children. Explain calmly and clearly that the self-soiling and tears are ALL of his doing, and if he was any sort of man he would sit his children down and explain that it was HIS choice to leave the family and that HE has let them down, rather than swan off with his OW and leave you to pick up the pieces.

Be strong OP, you can do this. Hold your head up high and remember you have been put in this sh*tty situation by your scumbag Ex and you are just as much a victim of his behaviour as his children (though you are very much not acting like a victim).

Cabrinha Sun 22-Dec-13 09:07:55

Late to your thread but wanted to offer support.
WTF re MIL?
I say just be honest. Cry and rage and tell her that when you did your kids washing OW's sexy underwear was in there.
If she so much as suggests anything is your fault, show her the door, then bang it on her arse as it hits on her way out!

I saw my MIL the day ex told her we had split (which was 4 months later, and the day I moved into a new house, spineless git). I've chosen not to tell her that her son fucked prostitutes our whole marriage. They will think that I ended things as he's a spineless got who never would do anything active. She said something about it bring hard for everyone (so, all about her then...) when we meet new partners. At that point, I couldn't help it, I cried. You know what? No bad thing. I suspect now they realise that even if they still think I left him (well, I did - but not "no fault") they'll know I didn't do so at no emotional cost.

You have no reason not to be honest. You hold the key to grandchildren too - I think any mother knows that. Look at the shit, already backing out of Boxing Day night...

I would see her, have a good cry, tell her you're devastated. And tell her about the underwear, and the skype call about being in love. What a fucking arsehole. You can ask for a divorce without saying that.

And what someone else said about you petitioning for adultery. Make the fucker admit it.

Minime85 Sun 22-Dec-13 09:15:49

oh alchemist so awful for you. its unbearable watching dcs cry isn't it and not know how to channel their feelings. my youngest (6) gets very cross and lashes out at her ds or me. all 3 of us were crying yesterday.

so glad to hear big dog is coming that will be a great comfort to all of you.

well done re childcare comment too. they just swan about and think we should change our plans. angry

I think you're very strong to meet mil and agree with others, try to stay calm and confident. she has no right to be anything other than supportive of you and her grandchildren. state the facts.

good luck. and rant away if you need to. thinking of u smile

Alchemist Sun 22-Dec-13 20:32:39

Well, Big Dog arrived and he lovely. DCs very happy to see him and he is, at this moment, stretched out beside me snoring. Just lovely smile.

Why the following has hurt me so much, I really don't know. I suppose it just proves all along I was right about his mother's feelings towards me. It got to 3ish and I cracked and phoned MIL to ask when she was coming. She told me she had decided not to as she would see DC on Christmas Eve and there was no need to see me. I told her the DCs had been looking forward to seeing her and she could have phoned to say she wasn't coming. She told me that she has no obligations to me.

That's me told then.

MissScatterbrain Sun 22-Dec-13 21:22:55

Bloody cheek. As the mother of her GC, you deserve a lot more consideration and respect than this.

I wouldn't bend over backwards to oblige her if I were you.

HowGoodIsThat Sun 22-Dec-13 21:24:39

Hellfire - what a family. You wouldn't be human if that didn't hurt. Of course she has obligations to you - you are the mother of her grandchildren ffs. Cowbag.

You are remaining unbelievably gracious, Alchemist, in the face ofunmitigated fuckwittery. Arsedom clearly runs in the family.

I suspect that my MiL feels the same about me - all surface politeness but would knife me like a shot if the opportunity arose. <bad mixed metaphor>

Minime85 Mon 23-Dec-13 00:10:25

mil comments just shocking. and they need to go in one ear and out the other. so sorry you're having to deal with that attitude as well.

Alchemist Mon 23-Dec-13 07:51:59

Thing about MIL is that she is very class-conscious and I have never quite been good enough. From NE, working class etc. What I have never worked out is why she married a man from the NE with a working class background hmm. Who did exactly the same thing to her as her DS has done to me except when the DCs were in their teens.

It just feels like a kick in the stomach but the kicks are getting smaller. Daft old bat, fuck the lot of them. <lifts fist and roars. Well, uses slightly louder voice>

Alchemist Mon 23-Dec-13 08:13:08

Actually, I think I have just written down what she found unlikeable about me! I am a bit ashamed of feeling this but a part of me is going "hahahahaha! Your DS is just like Daddy! Good work!" Aiming that at both MIL and FIL. Nasty of me but, so what?!

On H's side divorce is the norm. His GPs divorced, DPs divorced, his DBro and DSis divorced (twice each) and now H is to be divorced. Just following the family pattern I suppose.

Alchemist Mon 23-Dec-13 08:30:33

HowGood Your comment "Hellfire" really made me smile. I read it with my deceased sister's voice. Exactly the same thing she would say smile.

MissScatterbrain Mon 23-Dec-13 09:16:49

Sounds like the apple does not fall far from the tree in his case. You are probably much better off without the toxic in laws around.

HowGoodIsThat Sat 28-Dec-13 20:53:20

How are you doing Alchemist? I hope you had as good a Christmas as poss under the circs.

Just read this thread through. OP you are amazing. I hope Christmas wasn't too hard for you.

Alchemist Sat 28-Dec-13 21:37:06

You are so kind HowGood. Christmas was really lovely and DCs had a fab time. They were happy. Big Dog and I are in love (I may be fooling myself as I hold the dog food but have decided that we have bonded smile ).

I came down with a few infections by Boxing Day and by the time I saw the GP he wanted to admit me for antibiotics by drip (have ear, throat and chest infections also mad squits and am knocked down) but had to say no, no-one to look after DCs. I was not thinking straight, I could call On-muy-side BIL, friends or even H's family (he is again overseas) but I could not think and thought he meant he was going tyo get the DCs taken from me. GP calmed me down and gave me anti-bs and then phoned me on Friday night to see if they (and I suppose if I had calmed down) had started to work. He called again this morning and was so, so kind and gentle.

A newish friend phoned yesterday and heard how rough I am. She came round today and took the dcs out "for an hour". She kept them until 5pm and I didn't notice because I was flat out. BIL is coming tomorr0w morning and is keeping the Dcs till Monday late morning. I am lucky to have this help but it keeps making me cry. Am just low I suppose.

Mind you, am not that low as am listening to H's "Our Song" and, as I do get a bit wordy about songs, am hearing a completely different song than the one I heard for many years. As am still hot (temp) this may not be acturate but the song is We're all alone by Boz Scaggs. Ah fuck that, has moved on to my choice. Lady Grinning Soul by David Bowie. Sorry for this crap thanks

Alchemist Sat 28-Dec-13 21:38:54

ALL of you are so kind. I will have a little cry but am thankful for your support. So kind xxxx

Minime85 Sat 28-Dec-13 21:58:03

been wondering how you were doing. I've just had a little cry too. so hard as dont want to wake dcs as when I cry its full on. cat trying to comfort me bless her.

so sorry to hear you've been so poorly
really hope you are now on the mend. sounds like good care and support at least. here's to a better 2014 for all of us. x

Alchemist Sat 28-Dec-13 22:09:28

Straight back to you Minime. Bloody hell, it will make us stronger, eventually.

I still shock myself how hard I can cry. I am aiming to see it as getting it out and making myself better. Don't know if that's true but will look at it this way as, bloody hell, I won't go completely down. I just won't.

Big Balls To UnMumsnetty Hugs and Kisses AM BLASTING THEM OUT

Alchemist Sat 28-Dec-13 22:47:19

I have just had another thought of how things are a bit better. This is tiny but has driven me mad over the years. H used to have to hear/watch the adverts. Now I just mute them. This makes me happier.

Not big but something.

HowGoodIsThat Sun 29-Dec-13 18:40:49

I am so sorry that you have been poorly - it seems like the ultimate unfairness. Thank heavens for On Your Side BIL and friend. They sound lovely.

Maybe the muted adverts can be item no 1 on the List Of Things That Are Better In Life. Or No 2, I guess Big Dog is No 1. So there is an actual list there already.

<UnMN Hugs back - in a shuffingly self-conscious kind of way>

Alchemist Mon 30-Dec-13 08:05:22

Haha HowGood feeling a bit blush about blasting out hugs and kisses but I feel it must have been the temp I had. I think I was delirious! <stiffens upper lip. Weeps as cold sores crack again>

While not great I am feeling a bit less ill, DCs back later this morning and then off with their father for Tues and Wed. I feel like I haven't seen them much. I had, while arranging the holiday plans, insisted that he was to have them NYE as I had plans to go out. I'll tell you a secret. I have no plans! I'm just not ready for such a full on night but H has gone out every NYE since we had DCs and I have stayed in (sounds worse than actually was, usually it was my choice). His turn now but have a feeling that since I am ill and obviously not going out, he will ask if I will have them so he can go out.

I think you will be able to guess my answer grin.

HowGoodIsThat Mon 30-Dec-13 13:07:31

Sweet Lord - he keeps the kids as planned!

<biffs Alchemist on shoulder in comradely stiff-upper-lip style>

Alchemist Tue 31-Dec-13 06:41:57

Am laughing at a text I received last night but didn't see until this AM.

"Alchemist, there is a party at X's place tomorrow. I would like to go and wondered, since you are poorly, if I could pick the dcs up at 9am and bring them back say 6pm? I really would like to go. Let me know xxx"

First of all I frothed wildly at "xxx" and then replied "No." Nothing like a bit of frothing first thing in the morning to set you up for the day!

He is just so predictable. Prick.

Minime85 Tue 31-Dec-13 07:10:02

well done for standing your ground. I too would be very cross. hope you're feeling better

HowGoodIsThat Wed 01-Jan-14 12:41:58

All the best for 2014, Alchemist. May it be filled with Big Dogs and no adverts.

<salutes>

HowGoodIsThat Wed 01-Jan-14 12:42:34

<wonders whether it is possible to fill something with a lack of something>

<over-thinks>

Alchemist Wed 01-Jan-14 14:32:30

I love that "May it be filled with Big Dogs and no adverts". Yes!

Happy New Year to you.

<stops self putting XXX. Am showing restraint>

Alchemist Sun 05-Jan-14 12:12:20

This is just so completely ridiculous that I am quite cross with myself. So bloody stupid.

I am watching the Coronation Street omnibus and seeing Peter and Tina saying "We've just done a wonderful thing" after shagging in the marital bed. That bastard H did that to me over and over again, although not in the marital bed as far as I know. The scene just cut me to the core. I've cried so much this morning. And then there is Hailey... more tears. Seeing the actors doing those scenes I could just see H's face and voice spouting the same lies. Twat.

Anyway, on the upside am feeling much better. I am going to make an appointment with a solicitor this week and get things moving. New year, new start and new me! The DCs are both seeming quite happy so am glad about that.

I think I will stop watching Coronation Street for a while smile.

MushroomSoup Sun 05-Jan-14 13:00:22

How's things? Did you hold your nerve for NYE?!

Alchemist Sun 05-Jan-14 13:02:35

Yes I did! I got some nice food, wine and curled up with Big Dog. In bed by 10pm grin.

CookieDoughKid Sun 05-Jan-14 13:12:04

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's hard to see this now but you do have a wonderful future ahead of you. A new future.

My dh's father was a serial womaniser. Many affairs. Dh has never held his father in high regard. The affects are lasting. My dh is now in his 30s and has an estranged relationship.relationship with his father (little respect) and also not much for his mum because she kept taking his dad back!! Dh swears he will never have an affair after seeing his mum suicidal in bed (twice and with her second husband also doing the same!!).

Keep it together because you must. Take each day as it comes and you will be stronger but know it's important to set an example to your children as they will look back and learn from it.

Ledkr Sun 05-Jan-14 13:14:27

Loads of stupid stuff will trigger your emotions.
I still rage about cheating and its ten yrs later for me.
Glad yiu are doing ok.
My xh leaving me was the best thing he ever did.
I've had such a happy and fun life since its been lovely.
I m remarried but thrived as a lp too which makes me a more confident person.
How are the kids doing?

Minime85 Sun 05-Jan-14 15:17:17

good about food, wine and big dog. in some ways good about the crying too as it has got to come out. I'm avoiding programmes like that and have deactivated Facebook for now as I can't stand all the happy family scenes and messages at new year or people getting so passionate about bloody football as if nothing else matters. I know they are all perfectly entitled to but I just can't stomach it at moment.

my dcs staying at their dads tonight first time stayed over since he left in Nov and I'm finding it very tough. expecting a full on meltdown later.

good about solicitor, I went just before Christmas and it really helped me know where I stand and what my options are. hope it goes well for you.

sending lots of positive vibes thanks

Alchemist Sun 05-Jan-14 18:24:39

I hope your evening is peaceful Minime. I have become used to the DCs being away quite quickly but what I find so difficult is when they come back and are full of "Daddy this/Daddy that/Daddy said". I really have to bite my tongue so I don't spew out bile.

Mind you, it's not as if I am actually doing anything in particular on the nights they have been away. I am really nowhere near "going out" but have either been ill or have just been nice to myself. Upthread I mentioned some glittery nail polish I had bought and I was cheering to see my toenails glittering red. Tiny but a bit uplifting.

Back to school tomorrow. DS wants to stay with me but is a bit excited about going back and DD is just so nasty when speaking to me (still will not accept H has gone and I am the one keeping him away). It will do them good to get back into a routine. I think DD in particular has felt a bit passed around this holiday (staying with H/my BIL/friend) what with me being ill. They saw H on Saturday and she asked before they left if they could come home to sleep, so they did.

thanks

Alchemist Sun 05-Jan-14 18:49:11

Another little thing which has made me smile is that DD brought me a glass of red wine a minute ago. Told me sternly that is all I am getting.

It's in a pint glass! grin

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 19:19:46

Could it be that STBX is telling her that he would come home but mummy wont let him? He wouldnt be the first to pass the buck like this.

Alchemist Sun 05-Jan-14 19:52:13

Do you know, I hadn't thought of that. Has anyone any suggestions on how I could dig about this rather than asking DD straight? Or would asking straight be a better option? I wonder if this is happening? He has proved himself spineless, so could be.

I'm sure you will be pleased to know I am working my way through my allowed glass of wine smile

SantasPelvicFloor Sun 05-Jan-14 19:55:29

Lol at the 'wine' glass. I've only just seen this thread. I remember the hurt. I still find myself sad and angry that my life is so hard because of a weak man

Alchemist Sun 05-Jan-14 21:16:00

DS just been down in floods and has spoken about he is feeling. Oh god how do I help him? He is just so confused and sad and upset. I am having a cry but not for DH but my poor children. The poor souls. One so angry and gthe other trying to be Daddy is just a little boy who is scared and so sad. This is the very worst it has been. this is foul.

Another pint of wine anyone?

Minime85 Sun 05-Jan-14 21:39:43

oh bless you. your poor ds. I think it just needs to come out. i've been thinking today just how hard it must be for dcs to process when I sat there today and thought why and how can you be doing this to them? sad

think dcs always worse near bedtime and at night. hopefully will be brighter tomorrow and I think mine need the routine of school etc too now.

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 21:49:18

Yep, I'll join you.

As the MN saying goes, this too shall pass.

One day they will remember who was there for them, who cuddled them through it, who always had space in bed for a snuggle, who listened, who cared.

The fact that they are reacting is good, daft as that sounds. I would be far more worried if you didnt get some tears and some anger as that would mean that they are bottling it up. Hold them during the tears, keep reassuring them that you love them and be honest with them.

As for whether you should ask your DD directly, then perhaps yes you should as she is unlikely to volunteer it and he will lie. If she says something again try asking her, kindly "Did Daddy say I wont let him come home?" and if she says yes say that Daddy probably said that to protect her, but the truth is that Daddy doesnt want to come home because he doesnt love mummy anymore, but thats ok because you both still love them more than anyone else in the whole world.

If he hasnt said then the likelihood is that she is blaming you because she can, she feels safe with you because she knows you will never leave her. She cant scream at him because she is frightened he will leave her again (going away for good), you are her security, she can give you hell safe in the knowledge that all that will happen is you will cuddle her, that is the most important thing in her world right now.

Take care xx

Loggins Sun 05-Jan-14 22:25:52

Oh Alch, hope you've grabbed a top up.
Bogey is so right.
It's good your DS can talk to you tears and all. He won't forget your comfort.
I think with your DD, she's still so young, I wouldn't ask any questions but maybe have a chat and try to explain the situation again as plainly as you can. If someone has been in her ear she might of confused the facts.

I take it he has kept frilly knickers from them?
Oh and do tell MIL to f off

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 22:30:04

I should add that my kids behave impeccably when with Ex, to the point where he flatly refuses to accept the misbehave at home and does not support any discipline (removed ipods, PC time etc) when they are with him. They dont misbehave because they see him2 days a fortnight and are frightened to anger him incase they dont see him at all. Me? I get the lot! Screaming shouting tantrums etc, because they trust me to always be there and I always am.

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 22:31:10

Oh and I wouldnt be able to hold back the next time MIL deigned to get in touch by saying "You must be so proud! Like father like son eh?" and put the phone down on the fucking bitch!

babycow38 Sun 05-Jan-14 23:01:24

Hey Alch, havent posted since before xmas but have kept hoping you were okay and checkking in , how many Mums do this, prob loads xxx You are fucking brilliant and i do NOT swear mostly , but you need to know you are xxx I have had a surreal xmas ,DX has had the girls, pretending to his family he does not really have OW ,he is wounded because nasty me moved out and left him, took the girls and left him bereft, yes that was the word his Mum used !!!! He is feeling so sorry for himself because i presume OW dumped him as soon as she knew he was free, i moved out and told her she was absolutely fine to have him, he picks the girls up now with a hangdog, im so sorry for myself face, its funny, except it was not funny for me the last few months, i have got stronger and can now go FUCK YOU , it feels brilliant, hope all the brilliant ladies who have been through this will feel this one day, it is awsome, frees you up, and lets you move on xxxxmuch love

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 23:06:37

Baby have you ever said to his mum "Do you know the reason I left was because he was having an affair? No? Well thats why. I didnt stop loving him, I didnt hurt him, I did nothing but be good and kind and loving to him, he paid me back by having sex with another woman. Just thought you should know"

I would!

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 23:07:07

In fact, I did!

babycow38 Sun 05-Jan-14 23:25:37

Oh yes, get that with DD , they bake cookies with dad now !! wtf , he goes all out to make his time with them great, BUT ,i know it will not last, i will have to be there to pick the pieces up when another woman/girl turns his head, my girls think he is the best dad at tho moment, i knew him when he came in from work and dissapeared for the night and never bothered if they existed, it makes you crazy but i am wise to it now , I AM THE ONE WHO STAYED, who held them, who comforted them, who got them up for school, who will do it forever .

babycow38 Sun 05-Jan-14 23:31:38

Bogeyface, yes i did love, but got back , he is hurt, you were not there for him, you were too much for your daughters, i had the wise words that if you love your children too much your husband wll be jelous , im soooo sorry , if that man was half the man i thought he was he would have embraced the fact i was a fabulous mum to his chldren, and i did give him a of time, i just lost myself xxx

Bogeyface Sun 05-Jan-14 23:42:39

Wow. So she is basically a bitch that sacrificed her relationship with her children at the altar of her husband? No wonder your ex was such a failure as a spouse with her as an example.

babycow38 Sun 05-Jan-14 23:55:51

Hi Bogey, his mum was a nightmare as a mum, went out with other men when her / my ex as a boy , was little, screwed around ,went clubbinng, all the rest., she screwed him up, but she still acts like she is the Matriach, i have done nothing like that, was in fact honest and true , that is what hurts, he hates his mum for what she did, i never did it , HE DID xxx go figurexxx

babycow38 Mon 06-Jan-14 00:05:07

Bogey, just sent that messege to MIL , i dont know what i will experct,prob nothing. but i am glad i did xx

Bogeyface Mon 06-Jan-14 00:11:05

smile Go you!

The reason she hates you is because she is seeing the devastation her "parenting" did to her son via what he has done to you and your DC. The truth hurts.

Tbh you will probably get nothing back, or at best you will get abuse, but you and she (and he) will know that you speak nothing but the truth. And as I said, that hurts. In fact I would be inclined to send that to her if she does respond with abuse "The truth hurts doesnt it?" but that depends on whether you are happy to burn bridges.

Good for you!

babycow38 Mon 06-Jan-14 05:50:20

Thanks Bogey, i feel so much better now, know their family dynamics are playing out, just trying to keep my girls safe from it
Alch hope havent derailed , i hope you are feeling okay, not just okay, BRILLIANT, i feel so much for you love, im there and doing exactly what you are trying to do, just keep coping and love our DC and ourselves, lots of love and support xxxx

Alchemist Mon 06-Jan-14 18:34:39

Thanks all and babycow! Well done!

Afraid today has just been shite. DCs at school, DS a bit brighter this morning. I phoned H and just let rip at him last night and, do you know, he had nothing to argue with. Utter twat. Texted me to say he would call DCs at 5pm today. Just as well I didn't tell them as we are still waiting.

Made an appointment with solicitor for next week and am going to the benefits office on Wednesday. Making those calls was shit. Sorry, am v down tonight, banging head due to stupid, endless weeping and snot. Just feel completely done in.

HowGoodIsThat Mon 06-Jan-14 20:08:07

Can you run yourself a hot bath and wallow for a while? It might mean you sleep a bit better and I always feel better for a bath when I have been over-wrung out.

Its a marathon not a sprint and you need to pace yourself as much as you can.

Fwiw, I think your DS is being able to express himself in a healthy way. And he won't harm from knowing that you are also hurting but that you are all in it together. All credit to you, pet.

Minime85 Mon 06-Jan-14 21:32:12

hope you are feeling a bit better. I hope the solicitor helps. I think it made me feel more empowered and less ashamed as I felt so ashamed initially that my ex had chosen to live on his own away from his dcs than live with me.

now I think your loss mate. I still have times where I think I wish you would just turn and say I got it wrong is there any way back. but I know he won't. I also think I'm enjoying my own space and freedom to be. my ex job meant we were ruled by his job. Stoll are re contact but at least if he is on nights now I haven't got to be arguing with my dcs to be quiet or let's go out for the day or getting dressed in the bloody dark. small things I know but I'm trying to see the positives rather than dwell on negatives.

do hope you are feeling better. smile

wellthatsdoneit Tue 07-Jan-14 01:14:14

Just read your thread Alchemist. I hope you're feeling a bit better today. It will be so up and down for you but you will come through it. You're in the eye of the storm at the moment.

And, gosh, but your MIL sounds like a peach. Apple didn't fall far from the tree did it. Arsewipes. At least you'll never have to suffer another second in the company of the toxic old trout again. Silver linings and all that, eh?

Keep on keeping on lovey.

Alchemist Tue 07-Jan-14 07:30:21

Thanks all for your kind messages. H phoned about 7pm, talked to DC and then me.

"I will see DCs once a week come hell or high water, unless something comes up". What? Like your prick? Like a night out? Orr recovering from a night out? While I do understand the nature of his work means he is away for nghts, a couple of nights or can be weeks. And he is saying he wants50/50 parenting. ODFOD. I have been accommodating for his seeing the DC but have now told him, several times, that we need to know if he can contact during the week and at the weekends. I can't do it with just an hour's notice and I also don't think its fair at all on the DC as they do ask when they are seeing H next each night. Me telling them I don't know just does not ccut it.

Rambling now but went in mad hot shower, took a sleeping tablet and went to bed by 7.45pm. I am taking it easyish today and just want to be as prepared for the benefits office tomorrow. I know very little about the system and am scared stiff. Still, have to do it.

Best wishes for a good day for all!

Alchemist Tue 07-Jan-14 07:42:20

And, afaik, Ms Frilly Knickers has not been introduced to DC or even mentioned.

I had a call from one of his friends last week who has obviously heard/met Ms FK (was quite garbled and I am not clear if he met or just heard about her) and he is completely disgusted. He phoned to say that both him and his DW are just a call away if DC and I need any help. He told me that they will not be socialising with H any time soon and also did a really nice character assassination on H, his DB and DSis, also MIL. I did think "Oh, with friends like that..." but thoroughly enjoyed hearing it.

What is that, I think, German word I am looking for? Think it sort of means being happy at other's misfortune. Well, that but am only a little bit ashamed.

MissScatterbrain Tue 07-Jan-14 07:46:41

schadenfreude smile

I would get something official/legal sorted re child access so that everyone is clear about when this will take place, where and how etc. Stability at this stage is really important for the DC where there is so much turmoil and confusion.

HowGoodIsThat Tue 07-Jan-14 08:16:45

Your kids absolutely need the stability of knowing where they will be and when - and he will have to take them to any social activities/clubs that fall on his nights. He has worked out that 50/50 is more than one night a week, right?! Oh yeah - "unless something comes up". Err...NO.

Alchemist Tue 07-Jan-14 14:34:18

Will see the solicitor next week and I want this to be priority, both for DC and me.

Just had another one of those nice moments which made me smile, just little but it did make me smile.

I/we have an upright hoover with the removable cylinder and he would empty it or mention that it needed emptying. It is one of my small pleasures in life to see how much grot is collected when doing a clean blush. I used to get very sad at the emptyness but today, after being ill and Big Dog staying, the cylinder was nearly full.

This made me smile smile.

Alchemist Tue 07-Jan-14 14:37:51

Just read that back and am a bit cringy but if I don't write them down, I forget. I want to remember these little things.

Minime85 Tue 07-Jan-14 16:36:33

not cringy. honest that's all and its the small things I'm enjoying too.

re contact 50/50 means just that not one night a week?! my ex job shifts and not always predictable. I've planned out two months for him around his shifts trying to allow for roughly once a WK stay over if his shifts allow as well as pickups from school and tea at his etc. but if falls on a night dcs have clubs he is doing all that too. to be fair he is happy with whatever I suggest as does want to be co parenting not Disney dad. he also recognises his job is a huge factor so has to accept what I've done as it does give the dcs stability and some vague routine. he may be some things but at least ex is being good, so far, about dcs.

I think your ex needs a reality check and must be aiming for stability for dcs. you and them both can't live like that from one day to the next. and he must want to see them in a quality way

wellthatsdoneit Tue 07-Jan-14 20:26:23

He wants '50/50 contact and to have them overnight once a week, unless something comes up' = he wants you to take care of them full time, with him not paying you any maintenance for it.

Yes, when hell freezes over. I think one of the priorities must be your solicitor drawing up a contact schedule with associated maintenance payments to be implemented asap. The dc, and you, need some semblance of order in your lives after the chaos he has caused.

The fuckwitt.

Alchemist Wed 08-Jan-14 07:21:37

Well, wish me luck today as going to try and see if I can claim any benefits. A couple of friends who are on benefits have told me to be careful and to ask them questions if I have them.

I worked since leaving school and then when had DS became a SAHP, then DD came along. I have been looking for work but even when with H couldn't commit to any hours as he is here, there and everywhere.

I feel a complete failure. 45, dumped, 2 lovely DC, no idea where we will live and now I need benefits. Complete failure and disappointment to myself.

Alchemist Wed 08-Jan-14 07:23:09

And pathetic. I am so scared of this morning.

MissScatterbrain Wed 08-Jan-14 07:28:06

You will be fine. Take a deep breath and hold your head high.

SantasPelvicFloor Wed 08-Jan-14 08:47:45

Not a failure. You will be the one constant provider of a home, love and time for those children. It will be a struggle (it is already). Because it's a struggle doesn't mean you've failed. The man who has deserted his responsibilities is the failure.

Alchemist Wed 08-Jan-14 12:57:54

Got to the bneefits office for the appointment I made on Monday and was told no appointment had been made sad. Pathetically I burst into tears and a very nice woman sat down with me and listened to what had happened. She made me a list of what I need to do and was really kind. So, not much further forward but a little way there. Got home and have started doing what needs to be done.

Although it's not much and I am still upset (one of those days I suppose) I do feel as though I have achieved something today. A tiny step forward.

thanks

Blossomflowers Wed 08-Jan-14 13:34:12

Oh dear Alchemist so sorry to hear that, you must have got yourself all prepared to deal with his and then they let you down bloody idiots. Sorry you are having a bad day. Big hugs to you. I was just about you write on my thread and saw this. Keep busy , keep focusing on the the good stuff.

mrsmciver Wed 08-Jan-14 13:47:04

Oh Alchemist I am sorry too that they couldn't help today. But tomorrow is another day and you will get another appointment and some help then. Have been lurking on your thread and admiring your strength. Have been where you are and still going through some awful stuff myself. Life can be so cruel, men can leave but we are the ones who have to deal with the aftermath. I can remember sobbing so hard when I was trying to get my tax credits sorted that they couldn't even understand me on the other end of the phone! (And the council tax and the water board and the gas and electricity!). Once you know your financial situation better than you will rest a little easier.

HowGoodIsThat Wed 08-Jan-14 19:01:32

One step after another.

And step away from the Failure narrative. You have been betrayed and sacrificed by someone who made a commitment to you. I don't see where you have failed. You need help now, you are asking for it from all of the right places - benefits, here, wherever the help comes from, you need it.

For a long time, you have been the giver (and for your kids you still are) - for a while, you need to receive - and that is OK.

Alchemist Wed 08-Jan-14 19:25:55

Thank you thanks.

I was filled up with bile and hate this afternoon so decided to release it on H. I have been reading the Benefit Street threads and am reassured that most people don't believe it but, as H has always been a staunch Tory and I always staunch Labour, it felt good horrible and vindictive and satisfying to hiss at H "Such a good Tory aren't you?" amongst other things. TBF I think I was still upset about, well everything, but especially this morning but I think I actually reached H's conscience.

He phoned later and has said, although until this is legal I won't hold my breath, that he wants the DC and I to stay in the house as long as possible. I said that if he paid the mortgage and child maintenance I would, once I know what I am able to claim, take on the payments of the bills and possibly agree to a mortgage holiday for him to have some money also. This all depends on what I am allowed to claim. I really would appreciate advice on this. Does this sound reasonable? Holding on to the fact that I am seeing solicitor Monday and will talk about this, although is just a free half hour consultation. Please let me know what you think.

mrsmciver Wed 08-Jan-14 19:51:45

That sounds more than reasonable to me. But then again why should you be reasonable at all in any shape or form. See what your solicitor says and take it from there. I think you may find that you could legally stay in your house until the youngest child reaches 18 years of age. And for him to pay the mortgage on it till then. It really depends on your situation.
And honestly? sod that being reasonable, be as difficult or as awkward as you want! Why should you play ball at all? You do what feels right for you and your children.

Alchemist Thu 09-Jan-14 07:18:18

I've held off posting since about 2am but have been up since then just doing a combo of numb then weeping then numb etc. I am so scared of just everything and just don't know how I can go on.

Sadly my boss has let me go. Was very a casual arrangement but it meant I earned £40 a week but he doesn't have the trade and is struggling himself. This break-up has been much more civilised as I will still get half price when I shop there! He is actually a good friend so felt very sorry for him as he was obviously upset saying this to me. Mind you, he came prepared with two bottles of wine. Since he was driving I managed to ake decent headway into them. Just wish it has knocked me out to sleep but no.

I am taking Citalopram and just dread to think how I would be if I wasn't. There is an adve4rt running atm which is for Haven holidays and is showing where we went on holiday last year. It shows the really nice restaurant where we had the most blazing row where he finally stood up and bellowed at me (and the rest of the patrons) "I dare you to find someone better than me, dare you". Absolute wanker and another reason to avoid adverts. And the song Echo fucking Beach.

HowGoodIsThat Thu 09-Jan-14 08:19:56

Have a hug Alchemist - I am suspending rules for a moment - quick - no-one is looking.

One step at a time.

I must say, though, the more I hear about your Enormoarse, the less I like him - and I pretty much despised him at the off. I wouldn't trust him as far as you can spit on him - so I would hold off making any decisions about the house or mortgage holiday or anything until you have had advice.

Sounds like you could do with some RL support - is there anyone who can pop round one evening?

Minime85 Thu 09-Jan-14 09:34:09

oh I'm so sorry alchemist your ex behaviour sounds appalling and its events like that you need for the divorce for unreasonable behaviour.

I am sorry too about the job situation. are you able to work whilst dcs are at school? could you find something else which fits in those hours? mnet local on here are looking for people to do the local pages and earn from advertising .

you dont need to rush into any decisions. you and the dcs aren't going to need to move anytime soon, he can't sell the house from under you just like that.

do you have RL support close by who could help with child care if you managed to find alternative work? thanks

Blossomflowers Thu 09-Jan-14 09:44:57

Oh honey, Keep your chin up. I know exactly how you are feeling. All I keep telling myself when I am having a "low" is "it will be better soon" it has to, can't get any worse. Think I might take a leaf out of your book and try AD's just to get over these next few months.

mrsmciver Thu 09-Jan-14 11:59:30

I know how you feel. would never ever wish this on anyone. My awful advert is the cadburys retro one with Audrey Hepburn. "Moon river" is the theme tune and I can't bear to see or listen to it. It was the song for my first dance at my wedding. Every time it comes on I have to turn over. Can't stand it.
And as for being so scared of everything? Yep, I am the same. It is my children that keep me going and that is what will save you too. You cannot crumble when you have children to look after. You have to find the strength from somewhere, and I know you have it because I can hear it in your posts, even when you are so low there is still that bit of fight in you. You can do this. You have to fight him for your financial future. And yes, he is an absolute wanker! no mistake about that!

Minime85 Thu 09-Jan-14 17:01:05

it will get better. there is always a solution. hope you are ok

Alchemist Thu 09-Jan-14 19:48:57

I did the most stupid thing today out of sheer clumsiness. A friend is coming over next week to teach me all about ebay, so have started going over my clothes and perfumes and aftershaves of H's which I found in th airing cupboard.

Carrying the box of perfumes down I managed to drop them and one of them shattered. Obviously it was one of H's and now the whole flaming house STINKS OF H!

Quite honestly this has made me both laugh and cry. Mostly laugh. Thehouse has been bloody freezing as had all the windows open all day. Still stinks though!

mrsmciver Thu 09-Jan-14 20:16:35

Well at least you are laughing about it! That's a good sign.
And are you selling his stuff on e-bay? Are you able to send him a link so that he can see his stuff being sold?
Imagine him seeing his stuff getting sold right in front of his eyes!
Wonder if he would bid for them??

Alchemist Fri 10-Jan-14 06:39:03

Woke this morning to the scent of H everywhere in the house! My BIL said to think of it as a lingering scent of H and I will get used to the smell and finally one day I won't notice it and it won't matter anymore. I like that.

WRT to friends, I am still very much in the staying at home and being quiet and I tend to see people during the day. They know I am just hibernating atm and are keeping in touch with fb etc. The newish friend who helped out when I was ill doesn't know this and has taken to popping in when she is passing. She does brighten my day so I think I am about ready to think about opening up and getting out again.

I will be applying for just about everything and think I would be able to sort childcare for daytime work but I don't think I could find evening help. That's something else to think of.

Am making a list of queries for the solicitor. I'm not dreading this appointment as much, suppose after the benefits carry on I know I can do it, although BIL is coming with me basically to be my clear brain. I told H I have arranged this appointment and said he should do the same. He said "Not wasting any time eh Alchemist, can't wait to see the back of me eh?" Not wrong smile

Alchemist Fri 10-Jan-14 06:46:49

That comment did make me froth as I think what I used to see as confidence I now see as arrogance. A bit like when I've listened to H's choice of our song, I hear it completely differently. Lightbulbs/scales falling/etc.

HowGoodIsThat Fri 10-Jan-14 06:53:00

(High fives) It's good to hear some of your confidence back this morning. Knowledge is power and the more you take control the better it gets. (Not to down play it being scary at times and / or weepy.)
Your H is clearly a bit rattled that you are exerting your authority on the situation. Well, good.
Starting to tell more people will help on lots of fronts.
Hope you gave a good day continuing the fumigation process smile

CookieDoughKid Fri 10-Jan-14 22:13:49

Just checking in and letting you know we are here. I hope you can relax a little bit and do something nice for yourself. You can and will get through this but just focus on getting through the weekend for now. x

Alchemist Sun 12-Jan-14 07:59:57

Morning!

I followed the list from the nice woman at benefits office and have applied for the benefits she listed. Realised I didn't have a bank account just the joint ac, so went to the bank and opened a sole ac. I know these aren't big but I have felt so numb/stuck these past few monhts that doing them has made me feel active/alive/caring about me. I don't kno w if that makes much sense but hope you see what I mean.

Physically I am much better but this has really knocked me for a while. I was at a friends for coffee on Sat and she was saying how much weight I had lost, got out her scales and, bugger me, I have lost jjust under 2 stone. I am at my fighting weight and just as well! Mentally, although I do know this can change in a minute, I am feeling just more with it and, hesitate to say it as changes so quickly, stronger.

I know what I want for my DCs and me. I know what I am prepared to compromise on. Seeing solicitor tomorrow, am nervous, but nothing like I was last week.

So, after a week of big downs and a good few little ups, I am about alright. DCs back this morning at 10am, the sky is clear and I plan to take them to the wood so we can get muddy smile. I hope you are doing well too thanks.

Minime85 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:18:05

great post alchemist made me smile. I agree re bank account. made me feel in control.

I found solicitor really empowering and reassuring. lots of information so if you can take someone with u think u said bil was coming? but again really helped me to know what I needed and where I stood. hope its the same for u.

enjoy getting muddy smile

Alchemist Sun 12-Jan-14 12:49:15

ROARS back to the thread!

When H dropped DCs back, I asked him to stay for a discussion. I was cool, calm and reasonable. Only managed a few, still calm, barbed comments. For this I am giving myself a pat on the back. DCs were all "missed you Mum" and then disappeared into their rooms for 1D DVD and Minecraft. So we I were able to talk.

I told him again about the solicitors and what I was proposing to discuss, mainly his continued payment of the mortgage and child maintenance. I have given him an idea of how much I am expecting him to pay each month and he got a twisty face. I then explained that despite looking as if I will have "loads of money" I will have bills, food, clothing, etc, etc, for the DCs and me.

I explained again that I am going for the slightly lower rate of child maintenance (number of nights, as to give him some credit, he will want to spend some holidays with the DC), so I am actually being completely reasonable and I am sure his solicitor will find the same. I have been reviewing my solicitor's testimonials and I think she will be just the ticket smile. She looks and sounds fierce.

Alchemist Sun 12-Jan-14 13:13:29

Also, On-my-side BIL has told me he will front up/pay any solicitor's fees as they come up.

Do you know I am feeling quite level-headed and am having flickering bits of excitement going through me. I can see a future, I caq see the DCs being happy, I can see me being happy. I can see us settled and happy. writing that down has made me cry but I don't know why.

My BIL is an absolute star. thanks

WhereMyMilk Sun 12-Jan-14 13:45:01

Good luck for tomorrow! Don't forget your list, x

HowGoodIsThat Sun 12-Jan-14 18:49:09

<shakes pom poms for Team Alchemist>

<adds a flutter for supportive BiL>

Here's to a new week - lovely to hear you sounding so strong. Tbh you made me feel a bit teary too. Hold onto that image of Settled and Happy. That's your short-term life goal right there.

MissScatterbrain Sun 12-Jan-14 19:37:23

Well done - you really have come a long way.

You and DC deserve a great future of being happy and settled smile

(can imagine his "twisty face" though hmm )

Alchemist Mon 13-Jan-14 20:07:41

Will start with disclaimer. Am not usually drinking because I know and have felt shite afyer doing it, I am a bit pissed now.

1. I have mentioned H's song about us a few times. I realised I don't have an our song after nearly 20 years. If anything it would be Girl Afraid by the Smiths.

2. My dearest BIL. Have known him since was about 5-6. I was surprise baby and siblings were 15 and 16 years older. BIL has been in my life always and I am so bloody grateful for his help, love and, let's be honest, his financial support.

3. Solicitor visit was grim but enlightening. Happily, again, BIL was with me and took much more detailed notes than I did and has sent me a précis of the meeting. I took some in but not all. As it was made clear by BIL at the 1/2 hour appointment, which actually took nearly 2 hours, he was paying and I had his full financial support for the payment of any fees.

4. I am bloody lucky to have the support I am receiving from all different directions.

Horrible as this all is I amlucky and grateful. Thank you thanks

HowGoodIsThat Tue 14-Jan-14 08:29:09

Hope you don't have a wine head this morning. Or that it passes quickly if you do.

Sounds like your BiL is a good man and throws your Enormoarse's behaviour into sharp contrast.

Keep on keeping on - and here's a biscuit if you need the sugar pick-up!

Blossomflowers Tue 14-Jan-14 09:54:10

morning alchemist nothing wrong with a few wine sometimes. I have to admit over the past few weeks have been over indulging, tends to deaden the pain. Hope your head is not too sore today.

Sherlockholmes221b Tue 14-Jan-14 14:59:01

Shame about that 20 year age gap between you and widowed BIL, he sounds like a real catch! ;-)

Sherlockholmes221b Tue 14-Jan-14 15:02:54

Oops, but then again that must mean he was married to your late sister, so not appropriate, sorry blush

Alchemist Tue 14-Jan-14 18:44:34

Oh dear Sherlock! Most definitely NOT! grin.

I did have a sore head, have no tolerance these days and, being a biddy, last a couple of days. Sad times. I used the day to clean up and think about yesterday. I have decided to instruct my solicitor to initiate divorce proceedings tomorrow.

I shall be a gay divorcee or perhaps a glum one. Totally up to me grin.

Feeling okish atm but will probably spend tomorrow weeping. But it is another step and, although still raw, it is the right thing.

I mean WOW. Just mind-boggling.

Minime85 Tue 14-Jan-14 19:26:50

wow huge steps and decisions made, really positive stuff. well done on making that tough call. its all hurdles isnt it. I think I'm doing ok then start to question it all again and why he has done this too us etc.

but each backwards step seems smaller each time now. not such huge leaps they were in October and November.

really pleased to see your strong, determined posts smile

Sherlockholmes221b Tue 14-Jan-14 19:32:55

Phew, at least you gave me a grin!
My first mumsnet post ever and I disgraced myself!
I've been following your thread and I think you're amazing you've come such a long way in such a short time. You've got reserves of strength you didn't know you had. It won't be a linear line but things will, and are, getting better, I salute you.

Alchemist Wed 15-Jan-14 12:21:17

I have been sitting here musing about stuff and started thinking about my clothes and whatnot. Realised I look different but not all due to the weight loss and I can't put my finger on it.

I ammore interested in how I look, although that consists of skinnies, boots, jumper and scarf atm but am feeling more comfortable in them. My fingernails have always been weak but are in nearly just right for me and strong. That's because I am using a nail treatment each night but I didn't with H as he wwould complain about the smell hmm.

I know emotionally I have changed so much but I just can't pinpoint what has changed in my face/dressing. Probably not meaning much but now I've noticed I can't un-notice and it's nagging at me.

I can't work out if it's a positive or negative.

Alchemist Wed 15-Jan-14 12:22:23

Am waiting for solicitor to call me back and get things going.

Alchemist Wed 15-Jan-14 12:48:43

Just got up to make a cup of tea and when I came back to sit down, I seemed to notice the room looks different too.

Am mad for the charity shops and, it seems, over the past few months I have been buying fluffyish type cushions, have a pretend fur throw, loads more plants and smelly candles. Have got some daffs atm and they are in my favourite vase which is asparagus shaped, pretend Clarice Cliffe. But there is nothing missing which is so bizarre as H hasn't taken anything household yet. Apart from his clothes going (freeing up a wardrobe for me) there isn't really anything of H's here. It's like he never was and that is an odd feeling.

Is this me becoming me again?

Alchemist Wed 15-Jan-14 12:54:39

AND my hyacynths (sp) are blooming and the room smells just lovely.

I will shut up now blush.

Blossomflowers Wed 15-Jan-14 12:56:09

Waves for alchemist you sound like you are getting your shit together, good for you. smile
I know what you mean about house stuff. You know my X lived here for 13 years and he has left with absolutely nothing, not even most of his clothes, if he had not had some communication with DS would be like he had vanished into thin air. Good riddance I say

MissScatterbrain Wed 15-Jan-14 13:30:02

It does sounds like you are now becoming you once again - its so energising isn't it.

Hopefully you will be able to take up previous hobbies and contact old friends.

MissScatterbrain Wed 15-Jan-14 13:38:26

Also I think often when living with a very selfish person for so long, you don;t realise just how much you have adapted and shaped your life around him and his needs/wants that the real you has become submerged.

Alchemist Wed 15-Jan-14 18:46:41

That's really struck a chord about hobbies and friends. While this is not exactly wild, a friend of mine has set up a crochet club and I am going along to it. I want to learn how to do a granny square blush. Still, I will never am not ready for nights out yet but a gentle morning with friends sounds nice, kind and calm. That's about right for now.

I didn't instruct the solicitor today. I think I just needed another day musing about it/everything and I am going to get back to her tomorrow.

I am completely sure divorce is the right way forward for us all.

Had an email from DS's teacher as he has been behaving badly at school. Today's email was an excellent report of his day and she said she was proud of him. So am I. DD, on the other hand, has told me she hates me. Win some, lose some.

A neighbour called round with an unworn Monsoon dress her DD just didn't like. I haven't shown DD yet as she is being such a toad but the dress is beautiful smile.

Think I must be feeling chatty today given how much I've posted. Best wishes to you all thanks.

MissScatterbrain Wed 15-Jan-14 19:15:46

Sounds like you are having more good moments and that you are coping better with the bad times.

Have a good evening smile

Minime85 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:23:44

how are you alchemist?

Alchemist Sun 19-Jan-14 19:52:49

Hi *minime, am doing ok. Just couldn't manage to ask the solicitor to start things off. I think I just needed the week to process it all. I did need it but am contacting her tomorrow.

I don't have hopes of reconciliation, love, romance or anything from H but I just wasn't ready for that to happen last week. I am now.

Don't know how I am. Just a bit down but ok. I hope you are doing well. thanks

Alchemist Mon 20-Jan-14 21:15:38

Instructed solicitor today. I am on my way to being divorced and I am a wreck. Spent today just trying to tidyn up and made a nice dinner for Dc but am not on form and they know it.

I am trying to be civil when talking to H but he is so cold, not just towards me but the DC. DD cried so much after talking to him tonight. She just sobbed. Am being a bad mother but am allowing DS a night of Minecraft and he didn't want to talk to H but my poor girl, she is showing how hurt she is now. This is so horrible. Although the ager from DD was nasty this is heart-breaking. He held her first when she was born, she was his and he has hurt her so much. I fucking loathe that man.

Minime85 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:32:27

oh alchemist I am sorry. a brave foot forward though that needed to be taken but bound to be a backward step in some ways emotionally. I'm expecting the same when I do that in the spring. but also good she is letting those emotions come out and not bottling them inside. I'm so sorry he is treating them in that way. I dont understand why some men do that to their children.

those precious memories you have are still valid and honest and the rawness of everything makes them so hard. but try and remember you were happy then. what happened now doesn't change that happiness. yes it taints it with sadness and I'm sure for that you will never forgive him, that's certainly how I feel.

keep the schools informed and take care of you. you will give them the strength to get through this. and you will get through these sad sad days. you will be happy again. thanks

Minime85 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:33:08

and you are so NOT a bad mother for the minecraft! smile

HowGoodIsThat Tue 21-Jan-14 08:46:52

Step by step by step.

I can only empathise but I imagine that the anger you feel towards him of behalf of the kids is going to be the hardest bit to deal with. I have a friend going through the same thing and over time we have rationalised break down of adult relationships yadday yadda but she struggles to comprehend why he has shat on his kids in this way. Her H is also being an arse beyond anything she could ever envisage him capable. She thinks it is his guilt - he needs to be viscous to them (and her in particular) in order to avoid having to face up to his own guilt over the kids. The insight does not help her deal with it though.

wellthatsdoneit Tue 21-Jan-14 12:22:41

You are doing so well Alchemist. Even though it feels at times like one step forward and two back, you are progressing. It's a bumpy road and you just take it one bite sized piece at a time.

It's mind bending how a person can do things you never thought them capable of; how the person you would have confided and sought solace in over these terrible things in your life is not only no longer there, but the actual cause of them.

I agree that there must be some deflection of guilt behind such actions. I just can't think of any other explanation.

Keep on keeping on. xx

Blossomflowers Tue 21-Jan-14 12:40:17

Oh alchemist I hope you are doing well, I have been following your thread. Wishing you well.

Alchemist Tue 21-Jan-14 17:37:56

I can only empathise but I imagine that the anger you feel towards him of behalf of the kids is going to be the hardest bit to deal with.

This is it. Exactly that.

Had a really sobering encounter today and it has really made me feel upset and shaky. Was telling a male friend that the DC will be away both Friday and Saturday this weekend and he "jokily" said "That's alright, I'll come and keep you company" along with nudges and a wink. Anyway, came home and received a text from him saying he meant it and could he come round Sat night for a cuddle? WTAF??!! No thank you.

It just made me feel sleazy. He has DP. Bloody hell, is this it?

HowGoodIsThat Tue 21-Jan-14 18:53:46

Eewww. Narsty barstard. You didn't need that.

No, this is not it. Its another enormo-arse in the making. There are good men out there - you have just stumbled across the slimier end of the race. Keep remembering your BiL is a good 'un - there must be others.

Alchemist Tue 21-Jan-14 20:07:13

Ah well, am off to a well-known East Sussex place by the sea on Friday or Sat (arrangements being made) and intend to have one night out and one night in. Without any "cuddles" smile.

You are right. There are nicer men out there but not for me atm!

Alchemist Tue 21-Jan-14 20:11:40

I just feel so physically tired but am not sleeping well. I suppose mentally am tired too but will have to buck up. I was wondering if this is a side effect from the citalopram which I hadn't noticed until now? Whatever it is I feel like I could sleep for days but then get into bed and stare into space, so am even more tired.

Off to bed soon smile.

Minime85 Tue 21-Jan-14 21:24:19

enjoy your weekend. and sod the cuddles. in time someone lovely and kind and just what you need will come along. smile

Alchemist Sat 25-Jan-14 08:46:57

Well, off for a night out tonight. Stayed in last night, had a steak and a bottle of champagne all to myself. Was lovely. (The champagne was free from Waitrose for a £50 online shop. Till end of Jan I think).

But that morning I was a wreck. I had to go to the soliciors to sign some docs and I was a shaking crying mess (in the house but I "put my face on" when I go out, although sometimes I don't look much different!). Got it done and got home. DCs were picked up at 5pm and it felt alright. And as the evening went on, aided by the drink, I juyst felt alright but not just alright but alright. Anyway, I think I am trying to say I feel alright grin. I hope that makes a wee bit of sense!

So, tonight I am out and about and am quite looking forward to it. I hope a good weekend for all of us thanks.

MissScatterbrain Sat 25-Jan-14 08:52:48

Well done for getting that morning, it will get easier as time goes on.

Enjoy your weekend!

MissScatterbrain Sat 25-Jan-14 08:53:02

* through

HowGoodIsThat Sat 25-Jan-14 10:51:01

thanks back at ya.

We have managed to score two of those bottles - thanks to DH and I having separate Waitrose accounts when ordering online. They are for tonight as we have friends coming for Burns...except I took the kids to a friend for tea with her lot last night and we hit the Sauv Blanc at 5:30.

I am hungover and have to cook a huge pork loin. <gulps>

Alchemist Sat 25-Jan-14 20:04:31

Ballsed up tonight got too drunk early and had to come home. Friends kind. Stupid me. n Am not eating asnd as much as I try to go on I can't do it. Am just done in

Alchemist Sat 25-Jan-14 20:23:51

I am listening to leonard cohen and, as much as I love that man, I might need to search for the Nolans or a bit iof Donna Summer. Drink used to egree with me but no more.

Stupid.

Alchemist Sat 25-Jan-14 20:35:36

I just hurt all the time. There is no answer I know but I am hurting and H isn'ty the answer but I don't know what is. I am glad DC are away tonight as they don't need this. This being me pissedf. aM bawling away like a daft sod. I am sorry to whine on but oh I hurt and I don't know how to make anything better

FriedSprout Sat 25-Jan-14 22:42:11

Hi alchemist,

Think you need to look at getting over a relationship as a process. One that will initially have more downs than ups and more setbacks than successes, but a process nonetheless that will, perhaps imperceptibly shift the other way - more ups and more successes grin

Accept that you will feel shitty for a while, but you will come through it and you WILL be stronger and in a much better place for it. Just keep reaching for that day.

Ps hope your head doesn't hurt too much tomorrow morning.

Minime85 Sat 25-Jan-14 23:34:46

hope you are getting a good sleep now and feel better in the morning. its all so sad and hard. I agree with poster before me its a process with different stages. I think it does depend on how your ex is being too. thanks

Alchemist Mon 27-Jan-14 19:01:57

Having felt ashamed after ^^ I have decided to not drink for a bit. Saturday was embarrassing both with friends and on here. If I drink atm, what with a faulty off switch and not eating as much as I used to, I just become a mess.

I'm sorry to my friends and I'm sorry here.

Had my hair cut today, had heated discussion with H, told him to fuck off (mature) during a discussion about how I am spending "my money" (child maintenance) and am now going to do my nails. Hope all is well thanks

HowGoodIsThat Mon 27-Jan-14 19:08:32

Tish push - away with you woman. We have all had our times of in vino veritas and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. (Might have been a few sheets to the wind myself on Friday night)

MissScatterbrain Mon 27-Jan-14 19:14:05

Don't be too hard on yourself. Glad you are looking at not drinking for a bit though. Hope you are looking at other ways of de-stressing and avoiding stress (by NC with the ex).

Minime85 Mon 27-Jan-14 19:20:33

glad you are treating yourself. how u spend your money is absolutely none of his business.

Alchemist Wed 29-Jan-14 09:07:50

Morning! I am hoping to find a bit of advice re: child maintenance/my money conversations I have had with H.

ATM my mind is swirling with "yoy pay 130 a week/do you know who much a nanny/childminder/carer would cost. And yuou are questioning how I spend the money you are paying for me to give me to care for your DC fulltime and you are whining about it".

What I would be grateful for is a way of saying that which actually makes sense rather than the jumble in my head.

thanks

Alchemist Wed 29-Jan-14 09:13:14

I should mention this is one of the buttons he presses and I don't seem to make myself not react. angry sad

EternallyJuggling Wed 29-Jan-14 09:22:13

Been lurking for a bit, and wanted to support.

I'd say it isn't up to him how you spend the money; but if you wanted to be nicely passive agressive, then spend a quick hour breaking it down in a lovely multicoloured spreadsheet! Columns for food, clothing, heat, light, phones - all the stuff that you need to have to support kids.

Then subtract what he gives you and invoice him for the rest wink

MissScatterbrain Wed 29-Jan-14 09:26:25

I would just refer him to your solicitor.