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DP told me to self harm after nasty argument(79 Posts)
Posted about this before and things were slinky more tolerable as he has been a bit nicer recently BUT we are in reality living separate lives and I'm pregnant and have small DCs having given up my job to look after them. I have no income and no independence. 'D'P has never been supportive, I think he is probably having an affair judging by his nasty malicious behaviour and emotional detachment and the final straw tonight was him telling me to and oh why don't you go and cut your arm. I've done it only very recently and found the whole thing terrifying. He creates severe anxiety and insecurity and then plays on this. I come second to his work and he spends most of his time at home on social network sites these days adding 'random people' for 'work'. Anyway that's a side issue.
He was going to leave a few weeks back but wormed his way back in has been disgusting towards me and my DD and told me he is sick of both of us and wants nothing to do with us and doesn't want to be here. I said fine leave you were supposed to leave a few weeks ago but he has no money so can't leave. Sorry this is so disjointed but I'm a bit of a mess and really need some support to get through this. I can't believe anyone would use something like that against another person, I just can't. He has form for nastiness so I guess I should be that surprised. If he is having some kind of affair and everything points to it although he says based on what evidence as he has done nothing to suggest it then why doesn't he just go, I don't understand any of this, all it know is I can't take it anymore but don't have the energy to do anything about any of it anymore. He is happily snoring away on the sofa which is where he sleeps while I'm once again in my room devastated. It's hell on earth and I was hoping someone could offer coping strategies to deal with something like this as I feel so very alone.
Can't offer coping strategies beyond LTB and you will feel a whole lot better.
Sorry to hear things are shit for you at the moment.
I hope someone can offer more wisdom than me. Sorry, rambling now, I'm aware I aren't making much sense, I'm ill with a bug and just got up for some water. ..
Stay on mn though, there is an international night shift in force to nurse you through the small hours.
Didn't want to read and run. Sorry it's
Crap for u. I know somebody will be along to help u with the practicalities
I think you need to end this relationship. If you are in such a bad place that you are self harming, you need support. Go and see your GP, get counselling, get onto the CAB and Womens Aid.
I agree with the PP. You need real life support to get rid of this abusive man and urgently. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247, your GP, or consider the police 101 number if he won't leave your home voluntarily. All the time he is under the same roof, you will find it impossible to cope.
He's nasty, having an affair, insulting and abusive. Self-harm shouldn't be on your radar. Anyone that can bring you so low that self-harm is a reality should not be within 10 miles of you.
Hi, OP. I hope you managed to get some sleep. I would second ringing Women's Aid for advice and support.
How are you this morning op? As well as womens aid I would suggest calling the non-emergency police number. This man is abusive.
Have you anyone in real life to talk to? Your life sounds utterly awful with this person. Time to start planning your new life.
He claims he's not having an affair but his bahri our suggests otherwise. How would I know? I never thought him the type of man.
No friends, no RL support. He mocks the fact I've self harmed. Spoken to GP and counsellor,not helped, he gets worse and worse.
I've no one and no prospects. He carries on like he is so hard done by. I've been told to LTB but can't.
I hope it will get better it won't though , will it. Also I have no hope of ever meeting anyone else. Children are my priority but I desperately want a family.
Bahri? Is that word? Behaviour.
The most important thing right now (and always) is the welfare of you, your unborn baby & your daughter.
Please don't try & understand your 'partner'. That way lies madness. You won't be able to understand him because you are a nice person. He is a nasty, cruel abuser.
As a mum you owe it to your children to show them that a woman deserves to be treated with respect. By putting up with his crap you are teaching your daughter that this is ok. It's not ok.
Whether he is having an affair is irrelevant. If he goes to another woman then good riddance!
He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better. That's all that matters.
Please find the strength to throw him out. You feel weak because he has ground you down. I promise, if you get him out of your life, you will start to feel happier again. You & your children can be happy. You don't need him.
Keep posting on here for support.
There is a brilliant book by Lundy Bancroft called 'why does he do that?' (Hope I've got that right). It's amazing.
He won't go. I have called the police before and they were told I was being hysterical as there was no physical violence I was made to feel like I was being completely crazy.
You're hanging on because he's smashed your confidence. Truth is that you don't need to meet someone else to be worthwhile - you're a valuable person in your own right. You and your children would be a perfectly good family in your own right. There's no law says there has to be a dominating male in a family. If you have no friends it's probably because he takes up too much of your time. The depression you're experiencing is probably related to the stress. As for 'prospects'... once you get rid of the millstone that's weighing you down and once you get your confidence back, you'll probably find you're quite resourceful.
Do get some RL support. If not from friends from outside agencies like Womens Aid. There is a better life. Good luck
Call the police again on 101 rather than 999. Ask for their DV unit and explain your situation.
Are you renting together? Mortgage? I'd be inclined to change the locks when he goes out & leave his things outside. Then phone police if he gets in any way threatening.
Where are your family? Will they help? Obviously you need to make sure that you are safe.
Sorry I have no advice but want to handhold!
This is a brilliant website and some very wise people who hopefully will be along to her you soon xx
If you are in the UK then you can leave, phone womans aid and they will provide you with somewhere to stay whilst things get sorted out.
call women's aid.
I know it seems so so scary! but they are the most lovely people.
I called yesterday as I have an EA/FA husband & it was do good to get it all off my chest!
you don't need him, he isn't adding anything to you, he's taking the 'you' away.
you, your dd and your baby deserve more than this man
Can you speak to Women's Aid and tell them what you've told us?
They understand that someone doesn't have to hit you to be controlling and nasty.
What are the reasons that you think you can't leave him? There are usually solutions to practical or legal problems. Women's Aid will help you to leave if you need help.
Can you speak to your midwife or health visitor about this? They could help you find locally based support. There are people who can help you work out what to do about housing and benefits, how to access legal advice if its required, how to arrange Child Support and contact arrangements.
Maybe it all seems overwhelming at the moment, but you can do it one step at a time.
If it's your house get the police to make him leave.
I know you want a family, but this is not a family, and is in no way a good environment for your dd.
As suggested above call Women's Aid and get some solid advice.
Also if it's your house wait until he goes out and get the locks changed. he is not your husband he has no rights over the home. If it's rented then just provide a set of keys to the landlord.
I would also add that whether or not he's having an affair is immaterial at this stage. He actively wishes you harm. Get rid for you own physical and emotional safety.
Re affair, who knows, I just have so many doubts, that's become te logical conclusion. He is withdrawn emotionally but still volatile. We both are it's been a horrible horrible few years and we are both so damaged by it. He says he hates me and doesn't want I be here but doesn't want to leave children so it's all so confusing. In lucid moments there are glimpses if hope but do much had been said and done I don't see a way back. I keep saying to myself if we can just get past this bit we can all go back to normal whatever that is. We are waiting for counselling but in the meantime it's like a kids playground with the mudslinging and point scoring.
This is not a healthy environment for children. If he leaves the home, you can have space and still have counselling. And its gets rid of the horrible atmosphere.
How long have you been together, how many years have been horrible and when did the children arrive? Wishing for clocks to turn back is usually pointless. If this is how he is, it's how he is.
3 years 2 children together, one is unborn. I have another child from previous relationship. So up until pregnancy thins were what you'd expect. He can't cope with me not being able to deal with something that happened before our 1st DC was born as he was unsupportive and completely broke down and he blames me for being angry with him for being so uncaring. He says he did the right thing an dates and I have said don't bother if that's why you're here.
He feels sidelined and unappreciated and bullied, I feel just as crap. So yes it's pretty miserable all round and seriously affecting DCs.
Hi again Whiterage xxx
Have you been back in touch with Women's Aid? Have they been supporting you?
Iirc the flat belongs to you, is that right?
Hello, I spent the last 20 years of my marriage being emotionally, verbally and financially abused by my Ex, but because of the depression it caused, and my hope that things would get better, I couldn't see what was going on. For a long time, I thought my depression caused my crap marriage: actually, it was the other way round, and Ex kept me depressed and used my mh history to justify his cocklodging.
The EA Thread helped greatly in getting clarity and providing support while I was divorcing him. I now am well and happy - and 61. Please don't wait as long as I did.
No haven't heard from them. Supposed to see a family counsellor today but not sure if he will 'remember' to turn up. He has told me he can't cope with any if it anymore and I'm trying to destroy him apparently. So I'm back here again. Thanks to everyone I'm nowhere near as teary!
Three years isn't very long to get to know someone at all I'm afraid. For the first year or so they are usually on best behaviour but have their child and an abusive man will think it's now safe to drop the pretence. Also, it is very common for a bully to accuse their victim of being the bully, attacking them, 'destroying them' etc. Suicide threats are not unheard of. Turning things around so that you feel at fault or responsible just because you've had the gall to stand up for yourself. Very typical.
Stay strong and do call Womens Aid
He can't deal with issues in an adult way and just ends up with no YOU did it. I am not allowed to have a conversation about anything as he can't cope with any sort if discussion about anything. So of course nothing is resolved.
It won't get better - first off that's the one thing you need to get out of your head. I know it's easier and kinder in the short term to try and hang onto this thought but please forget it. It doesn't happen, I'm sorry but it's tough love.
Now is the time to think of you and your children. Don't waste another thought contemplating his moods, what he says to you, etc. He's been a twat of the highest order and that is what it is. It's now time to think about you, and what you need to do to get out.
Have you got any family and friends to support you? Someone has suggested Women's Aid. Give them a ring firstly and speak to them, that can be the first step of your plan of action.
Yours and your childrens happiness and safety is the most important thing now, don't spend anymore time thinking about him, he hasn't been that considerate towards you.
And dont forget you have people here for you
Roughly where in the country are you?
Are there any local services aside from woman's aid that could help you?
Can you gather much financial evidence, make copies of your ID, children's passports that sort of thing?
Sorry I'm rambling but hope you are gettin help your safety and that of your children must come first.
Hello OP, I would echo that you mustn't let your worry about no friends, money, housing be reasons to stay. You are both miserable. Imagine for one minute that he is right and you are a bully then why would he be staying with you? on't stop ringing womansaid. I think you should have counselling on your own it should never be advised with someone in an EA relationship. Look how many friends you have on here now - when you can let go of the way he has made you there will be loads in RL as well. While you fill your life with him you won't have any room for people who will love and cherish you. Think of how much has happened in 3 years and how much could change in the next three.xxxx
Hope you get him out soon. It won't seem so scary once he is gone. Don't listen to him. Listen to yourself. It must take a lot of strength to live with him, imagine all that strength put into looking after you and your dcs without him dragging you down. Good luck
He says he can't afford to move out and doesn't want to stay with his parents as the commute is too exp. it's my flat entirely btw so if I could have him removed I could. I won't, I'm too soft and give in too easily.
He is always telling me how unhappy he is and it's me that is driving him away yada yada. I keep saying to him to go then and he stays and says as soon as he can afford it he is gone. It's really confusing and my DDs he'd is a mess because of it but he doesn't care about her as 'she isn't his daughter'.
He drinks every night on top if it but thinks that's normal too. On top of the endless cigarettes I'm just sick of the whole thing.
He is going to his parents again this weekend so see his friend and wants to take our daughter as he doesn't want to be around me, he says. Charming isn't he.
He tells me I HAVE to change, well shouted it. I was too shocked to even reply. Pretty odd behaviour and screaming at pregnant woman is just disgusting. It's my fault though if course. I told him to go for a walk and calm down but cue more hysterical screaming. This is from someone who refuses counselling as 'he has no issues, I'm the mad one'.
Is this just a person I didn't see was there?! I keep hoping now but Cognito seems to be bang in in saying a year is nothing. Of course it's not!! Bloody hell.
I have no family here at all which I struggle with if I'm entirely honest.
Don't continue this drama. Your flat he has to leave it is no longer his home. Don't let dd go this weekend. Change the locks when he is out and text him and tell him you've done it. Tell police 101 what you've done and they will flag it up so if you call when he tries to get in he can't.
The change he wants you to make will only happen when he stops bullying you.
Listen to your gut. Get himout. Get all the help you can from womans aid and police. Don't let this go on another dayx
Urgh so sick of all his bullshit. It's really is bullshit and thanks to the many wonderful women on here I'm starting to realise I was a entire whole fully functional human being before this idiot turned up and decided it's his role as a man to call the shots. Doesn't work with me too well as he is finding out. Most people would object to shady treatment is imagine but he is failing to grasp this. Idiot. And a nasty one at that. Still reeling at how nasty this man can be, bitchy men full of malice are strange creatures I must say. Scorned man feelings maybe it's all very immature and really sad. Such a waste of everyone's time.
Can't live on my sofa forever though can he.
Also he makes me feel so guilty when I say he can't stay here like this. One foot out the door and still demands respect, support and the rest of if. Deluded if you ask me.
OP you sound very much like my mum (don't worry this isn't a bad thing, she's an amazing woman, and only 39.. or 40... I forget which oops) she had exactly the same treatment as you. She slept on the sofa every single night with her dog because my (s)dad was an emotionally abusive man. But he didn't see anything wrong, in fact it was quite worrying how he put the blame on her.
She got away, as will you. She's happy now on her own, so will you be. You're never on your own when you've got your kids. He's a prick and you're right, he is deluded.
No, he can't live on your sofa for ever, and it looks as though he has no rights of residency in your home at all?
If you don't want him there he is trespassing. You have a lot of power here: you can take control of your space. Give WA a ring, and set a time and date to change those locks. Preferably this weekend.
What he can or can't afford is his problem. 100%. He has somewhere he can go, let him go there. Whiterage, you can do this
Who's paying for what atm? Do you get Tax Credits?
No tax credits or benefits, he pays mostly.
Him leaving is not his choice it is yours, pack his bags, leave them outside, lock the doors and if you need to phone the police do so. You can phone them anyway on the non emergency line, set up a time for you to get all the abuse down on file with a ref no. As others have said speak with womens aid, also get any benefits sorted out in your name, seek legal help (legal aid can be given in situations of abuse). Make sure that your gp is fully up to date with your situation, any other professionals such as hv, child care workers etc. make sure you get the support that you need to get this 'man' out of your space.
How dare he treat you like this
Come on whiterageofdespair, you can do this, I know you can.
Put those beautiful children & yourself first. Model self respecting behaviour & get rid of this man child.
Life is too short for his whining crap & drama. Rise above it, throw him out!
So what if he doesn't want to live with his parents. It's about time he learnt the consequences of his actions.
I know but I'm really struggling with his nastiness. Baby is ill an has been for a week, he deteriorated today so doctor said to bring her in and I got told I'm busy I'm in a meeting. I explained that this is particularly supportive attitude as he was totally dismissive like he usually is and then it as usual for nasty. He is now in the pub ignoring my calls. He really is a charming man. I'm heavily pregnant too and got told you're more than capable of taking her to the doctor!
How's the baby now?
I have been in your shoes, pregnant with a young child & abusive partner. It's miserable & the thought of doing it alone is scary.
But honestly, the truth is, it's a thousand times easier being a single mum, and having no help than it is to be raising young children with an abusive partner.
He's sapping all your energy.
Someone said to me on here, that 'its better to be alone than in bad company'.
It's so true. You can be happy. He's ruining your enjoyment of your babies .
Please don't bother trying to contact him, Use this time he is out to talk to Womans aid and follow their advice.
Him going will make your life better immediately you and your dcs will be free and that is an amazing feeling not having to love with this awful abuse. YOu will find it hard to realise now because he has filled your head with all this rubbish, Re read this thread and talk to WA they are the voices you should be letting your mind take onxxxx
I'm sorry to hear about the baby, whiterage, and hope you were able to get her to the doctor?
If you know your partner is abusive and unsupportive, there is no real point in asking for his help. He is not your friend. He won't change, or do anything different - not even if his child is ill. This is who he is.
In fact, unsupportive is too kind a term. He's actively hampering you.
Who else might you call on in an emergency?
She is ok. Had some tests but hopefully she will be ok.
No one else unfortunately at the moment but I'm ok.
I hope you have some peace this evening, and that the little one feels better soon, whiterage
Sending you much strength to help you through this time of pain. I hope that you are ok.
Thank you. Not a great day. I've finally accepted he doesn't actually love me and is a liar and a manipulator and will say whatever it is he thinks he wants people to hear. I can't live like this and I deserve much better than the shit he dishes up.
He is a shallow and deluded arsehole really and I have finally had the wake up call I needed. I'm bit even angry weirdly just numb and sad.
What a sad thing to have to accept. Have you any idea what you would like to do ?x
It is sad but accepting it is really positive. Think of today as the start of your new happy life
How's the baby?
Have you managed to get him to leave?
Now you've realised you need to get him out.
He has NO choice in the matter.
It is your place and he is no longer welcome.
Tough if he doesn't want to stay at his parents.
He HAS to - end of!
Get the locks changed tomorrow and lock him out and do NOT let him back in!
Really pleased you have realised you are worth so much more than this.
You most certainly are and your new, much much happier life can begin with getting him out.
He will cry and rant etc.... but ignore ignore ignore!
You can do this. Good luck and well done!
He just keeps saying ok fine if that's what you want.
He seems to think I'm just pregnant and crazy and he hasn't done anything to warrant my 'unreasonable behaviour'!
I really want to go back to work but I really don't envisage anyone hiring a heavily pregnant woman!
Hello again whiterage - I'm glad to see you're posting again.
It really does sound as though there's no changing him, so I can't think of anything to say other than to agree with the other posters that the time has come for him to go.
I'm sure it's not what you "want" (you probably "want" a magic wand to be waved and for all to be well) but in the circumstances, him leaving is probably the least worst option.
I'm just glad for you that it's your flat so you could actually change the locks and stop him coming in.
Good luck and keep posting x
He is downplaying what he has done recently in a line line of disrespectful shit he has pulled over the years. Final straw this one. Involves social media (surprise surprise) tells me it's not what I think etc etc, f*ck of I say I'm not some love sick adolescent I'm a grown woman who is throughly pissed off at shitty behaviour! He is being quite sleazy and it's embarrassing actually. Anyway I won't bore anyone with the actual pathetic details but I'm just so over it now and have lost all respect for him. His poor daughter is all I think now.
What a sad excuse for a human being he is turning out to be and I'm cross with myself for giving him so much of myself even when he continues to behave like a first class twunt. God I just wish he would fuck off once and for all and take his narrow, arrogant views with him. Sad sad bastard.
Well you have the power to make him and his vile views fuck off.
Well done for seeing him for what he is.
It's a tough road ahead but you sound like a force to be reckoned with! You'll be fine. More than fine
Really hope that once he's out of your home you can enjoy your children & the rest of your pregnancy without his rubbish.
Op I've just read your thread through. What a totally shit situation. My ex h was abusive throughout my second pregnancy and it just got worse thereafter. I can see you are waking up to this, don't look back, you sound savvy enough, you will do this and find a much better future ( I am x
Hiya Whiterage... you know you have the power to make him fuck off once & for all, simply by bagging up his belongings & changing the locks.
I feel slightly less anxious as I'm in the throes of developing a more of a just don't give a fuck anymore attitude. His behaviour is still hurtful because I gave so much energy trying to keep this relationship together and no realise it was an absolute waste of time because he just isn't up to family life, let alone being a father. He did tell me in the beginning he wasn't ready hence certain decisions but I stupidly hung on in a desperate attempt for support.
I ignored every single red flag imaginable and to my own detriment. Natalie from Baggage Reclaim makes a profound statement when she says that many if is wait around hoping, wishing and waiting to be the exception. Or something to that effect.
There is a brilliant article on Managing Your Desire to Be the Exception and if I hadn't ignored all the red flags in the beginning I would have walked away from this shitstorm years ago. Hindsight and all that.
Silly fool that I am.
I need strength to get him out. He doesn't take anything I say seriously and I really really can't stand anything about him. He is sleazy and embarrassing and the more I just back off from him and and the more rope I give him the more he hangs himself. It's very embarrassing I've gotten myself into this situation.
We all make mistakes. Please don't be hard on yourself. What matters is today & the future not the past.
It's really tough when your esteem has taken a battering & you're at your most vulnerable when pregnant.
You sound so strong though. The next time he goes out please just change the locks & leave his things outside. Make sure you're safe & tell him you will phone the police at the first sign of any signs of aggression or abuse from him.
I'd text him to tell him it's over after you've got the locks changed. I'd also word it as if you're just doing what he wants. He's couldn't have been any clearer about what he wants could he? Well let him have it.
Then after that you need to perfect the art of disengaging from him. Letting his words go over your head. He will probably cry & grovel.
I would still advise you to phone women's aid and get their advice on getting him out of your flat. (I am sorry the police you called were a disgrace.)
Hi White - honestly, listen to cogito and strump and bakeryqueen. I was on your previous thread and rememebr that you've phoned the police and WA, but there is nothing to say you can't do that again. They will help you to remove this 'man' from your lives (not necessarily from his DDs, so he can't use that against you)
Get the locks changed, bag up his clothes, phone the police 101 if he kicks off again. He already has a call logged against him with the police - they will respond. And don't worry about what he 'tells them' about the call - they are well used to 'd'Ps spinning things their own way and making out the
woman victim to be 'crazy'. It's one of the things they actively look for in a situation!
You are no fool whiterage I think it is in our natures to believe in the best of others. Please do not regret the decisions you have made in the past, hindsight can be a maddening thing! What counts is the now and what you do to move forward with your life. You can do it. You have shown an inner strength, keep tapping into that.
Now that you have 'seen the light' with regards to this man, you can make plans and choices. I would defiantly utilise all the organisations at your finger tips to help you build a framework (womens aid/gp/police....just to get everything on file). There is likely other organisations out there that may help you (sure start? If your dd is young enough. For support and getting you and your children our in your local community).
I hope that you have a good day
Ps legal aid can be given in situations of domestic violence/abuse (psychological and emotional comes under that), but you need a paper trail to show this. It may be an idea to talk to a family law solicitor.
Morning White, How are you feeling this morning?
Exhausted by it all.
How are things today white? Thinking of you.
Let us know how you're getting on white. Whatever has happened, even if you haven't actually ended things yet, you will get support on here.
We all know its easier said than done when it comes to ending an abusive relationship.
Hope you're ok.
I do hope that you are ok whiterage we are thinking of you and hope that you can feel supported by talking here.
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