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I can't believe what my mum has done (abuse related)(68 Posts)
A regular poster who has name changed for this.
My mum is pretty toxic and I have posted about it before however she does love my DCs so I visit her once a month with them. My mum is also very jealous of my ILs because they have done very well whereas my mum although comfortable has never been well off.
My mum and dad split up when I was very young and my mum remarried my step dad was emotionally and physically abusive to me and my siblings and when I was a teenager he became sexually abusive. My mum didn't care would say I was making it up or that I deserved it. I reported this to the police age 15 but my mum convinced them I was just being a naughty teenager and making it up. (My step dad was respected in the community) and the police dropped it.
My step dad left my mum a few years later became she was old and he moved out of the country with another woman.
Fast forward to today. I arrived at her house with the DH and DCs there was a strange car parked in the drive but she was the only one in the house I asked who owned the car and she said it was just a friend's. So we sat down and the DCs played.
Then my mum went upstairs and I could hear voices and two sets of footsteps she then said she had a surprise it was 'grand dad' and hustled step dad through the door. I grabbed the DCs (so did DH) and just left.
So my mum called a bit later and begged a chance to explain the DCs had gone to the ILs house so I said fine as long as she came alone. So she did and she said that she was going to get back with him and they were getting married and I just needed to get used to the idea. I explained that I would have nothing to do with him and nor would my DCs. She got very angry and started screaming that I was an idiot who made everything up and kept telling DH that he shouldn't believe anything I say and I was with him for the money I told her to leave and she just kept repeating that I deserved it because I was a horrid person and she would tell my ILs everything so they would stop giving me money. (They don't give us money)
I pushed her out of the house (not great I know) as she screamed abuse and said she would call SS and then get the first plane to Spain.
I feel awful I keep reliving it all in my head and having flashbacks. I guess I just want someone to tell me to get it together because I don't want to upset the DCs. But I am so scared she will call the police and SS on me.
Sorry for poor grammar and spelling I forgot to read through it first.
Not got any good advice but I didn't want to just read and ignore. I'm sure someone else will be along to advise you better.
I'd say just cut her out. Don't worry about SS, particularly if you spoke to the police as a child. It's shit but all you can do.
I think it would be the best thing if she did fuck off to spain with him tbh.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
That's awful, I don't know what to say you have been through so much. I don't think you were out of order pushing her out your house.
Oh you poor love. Your instincts as a mother are spot on and you must listen to them. This is the signal to break that final thread with this toxic person. Your life will be so much freer and healthier without her.
You are probably reeling from the adrenaline at the moment. She only has power over you if you let her- easier said than done I know. Your fear is her power, take it away and she has nothing. Be gentle with yourself and concentrate on the important things- you and your family . x
You know you've done the right thing and all the rest is just nonsense.
She won't call the Police because it risks opening a nasty can of worms with the slime ball. Same with SS.
She is a monster and there now has to be new rules in place- if the slime ball is more important to her so be it.
I don't really know what she would tell the police/SS because there is a good chance she will lie and twist the truth.
I agree, you need to disengage from her.
I doubt very much she would involve either the police or SS by the way, given that you would presumably repeat your previous allegation. In fact you do do that, anyway, if you were minded to.
I feel for you, this must be dreadful. I am so glad you have your own family around you.
Oh my goodness Just. I really don't know what to say. How awful for you. I can't begin to comprehend your mother's behaviour both then and now.
You have to hold on to the fact that you did the right thing both then and now. You spoke up then and told but you were incredibly let down. None of this was your fault.
You tried to maintain a relationship with your mother for the sake of your children. You've tried your best. Your mother is clearly a narcissist. None of this was your fault.
You got your dc out of today's situation straight away. You have your mother a chance to explain. There are no rational explanations for her behaviour and terrible decisions. These too are not your fault.
The only person who should be considering phoning the police and social services is you. You have the right to report what happened in your childhood. You have a right to be heard.
You will be in my thoughts Just. Lean on your DH for support and comfort and friends in rl. Your Mumsnet people will be here too!
Just: Not much to add other than to say I think you did absolutely the right thing. Nobody EVER "deserves" that and no mother with an ounce of nurturing instinct would ever suggest that to their own child. I guess you don't need me to tell you that you did the right thing in removing your children from their reach and that no SS will consider this in any other way.
TBH visiting once a month or so was already more than she deserved. But I can understand your pov in that we yearn for the parents that we think we SHOULD have.
Can't offer you much in the way of words of wisdom regarding abuse but I can in the way of toxic parents and NC.
Either way, I'm here to offer hand holding until someone with more knowledge comes along.
Sounds like you and your DH make a good team.
Oh, you poor thing! What a nightmare!
You and DH did really well to protect your DC, and I am sure you will keep doing that.
Have you considered speaking to someone at NAPAC about what happened to you as a child?
Also, please know that SS will be on your side. They are there to protect children, and will see that you and your DH are doing that.
Sorry I meant you could do that anyway. Typo.
Nonsense being drama/etc and from her.
You deserve so much better. Thank goodness you have got your kids safety as number one priority, clearly she has got a major problem with her priorities. She is not just a bit toxic, she doesnt deserve to have you in her life.
Just a thought really but why would he want to return to her now? Anything changed that might have persuaded him she was worth a second thought?
She doesn't have the rights in this situation, you do. You are being perfectly reasonable in protecting your children and SS would see that immediately, if they even listened to her for a moment. I really doubt she could contact them anyway - as has been said here, there is no way she could not make herself look bad.
Your mother is a complete fool and has been complicit in abuse. You deserve much better and you should not feel afraid. You have done the right thing for your children. Tbh if she goes to Spain and never comes back you'd be right to feel hugely relieved.
There are two issues here as I see it.
1) your safety from her as she takes this man back. You did well to get her out but how do you feel about keeping her out now? Don't take seriously what she said to your husband or the threat. It's bluster.
2). The fact that she has let you down and denied your reality for so long. That is terrible but common. She would rather blame you than face reality. That means she poses an ongoing risk to you, your mental health and recovery and your children.
It seems she has issues with money as well.
How are you feeling now and what do you plan to do going forward? It may be best to start thinking that she is not good for you, as she condones lies and abuse.
I have no idea why he has returned to her now.
Also I know I could and should report the abuse again. But a part of me is still really worried that they will say I am lying again it took me years before I told DH because I had convinced myself that no-one would believe me.
You have done the right thing, don't worry about SS what's she going to say 'I think my daughters a bitch, her children are clean loved and healthy but she's mean to me!
I know it must be hard having someone your 'suppose' to be able to rely on treat you so bad but you sound much better off without
I would report it again by the way, he's a disgusting man and deserves nothing!
Have you discussed your current situation or your past experiences with your siblings? Would they want to take action now that they are adults themselves? Perhaps you might be able to have them back you up if you decided to take further action and/or report.
You have no need to rush into any decisions. Op you've had a huge shock and she had absolutely no right to just spring him on you like that and expect you to share in her delight at her choice of husband, particularly such a vile man.
Your children have all the love and family they need and you have been the best possible parent in protecting them from exposure to him and to your mother.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.
Firstly brush all thoughts of police/ss out of your mind. Even if she did actually follow through that threat, they would be on your side and see through her stupid lies.
I'm so sorry she has treated you this way. You do not deserve any of this
You need to go completely no contact. Your children do not deserve to be exposed to this woman. Well done for trying, you've given her more chances than she deserves.
Keep talking to dh and don't suppress it all any more than absolutely necessary. This can of worms will be painful but you are a survivor.
You don't have to do anything. You were the victim of something horrific and what happens or doesn't happen to the perp was not then, is not now and never will be your responsibility. The only responsibility you have is to protect yourself and your kids, which you've done. Whether you re-report or not should be based on what you need to do, for yourself and your family. You're a victim of an specially nasty crime, and the police let you down once. In all honesty I would be amazed if they let you down that badly now, but the point is you don't owe anyone anything on this front. So do what feels right to you.
Secondly, if she did tell SS a pile of steaming bullshit, you explained the back story, and they learned you reported this at 15, then SS' main interest would be in knowing you immediately protected the kids from him. The culture has changed a lot and their standard of evidence is massively lower than criminal, anyway - potential risk to the kids from a woman who ignored her own child telling her she had been abused exposing them to the abuser would be their top worry. But she won't go near SS - as someone else has said, the last thing she wants is to open that can of worms. She just wanted to hurt you for not going along with her fantasies. And if she reported some lies to the police and you state she brought a man you reported years ago for sexually abusing you into your life and your children's lives without warning, let alone discussion, then all else she says is unlikely to be believed from then on out - the report will be on file, I imagine, so her spite would be dismissed.
Glad you pushed her out of the house, incidentally, though I'd be cautious in phrasing it that way if she did scream assault to the police - say she demanded to stay and you insisted she left but no violence was used - your DH was there to support your statement of events while all she has to support hers is spite and her own history of maternal failure. And I'm afraid I agree that you need to go no contact - she is incapable of putting a child's interests firsts, ever, so why expose them to her? She allowed a man to abuse her children. Nothing can ever justify or excuse that. If your mother is hard and toxic for you to handle as a grown woman, why expose your kids to it? Eventually she will turn on them for not meeting some perceived need, too.
I agree talking to your siblings might be helpful, depending on the relationship. I'd also say that he may have form you don't know about, and other reports against him. Who knows. But again: you don't owe it to anyone to report him after the way you were let down in the past, and only you can know what would be best. I'm so glad you married someone sane and lovely and have a decent and fulfilling family life now.
I hope you have a nice hot bath and a cuddle with your DH, and feel less stress tomorrow.
I've been lurking on MN for a couple of months now reading all the great advice/funny stories etc but thought it was time to join as I couldn't just read your post and not comment.
Please don't be concerned that your 'mother' will call the police. These type of people are cowards and are very manipulative. I completely relate to the situation you are in as I have a past similar to yours (my mother knew about the abuse from my step father, allowed it to happen and when I became pregnant at 14, she forced me to marry him - long, long story).
What I can tell you is that I tried so hard to make a relationship with my 'mother' work. It took several painful years for me to realise that she would never be the parent I wanted her to be and that she would never apologise. I made the decision to end all contact with her. It wasn't easy but it was the best thing for me. I can honestly say, five years down the track that I'm much happier for cutting her out of my life. The stress I was carrying in relation to her was enormous.
Your mother doesn't deserve your time or any consideration from you really. You just need to do what's right for yourself and your family. I know how awful the flashbacks can be and the questions that they can raise. Just be gentle with yourself. What happened to you was terrible but you've survived every day up until now and you will continue to. You don't need to get it together for anyone, just take your time.
Can you PM me her address so I can shit on her doorstep?
Sorry, I have nothing really unique to contribute, as other posters have already told you to (a) Cut her out of your life and (b) Ignore her empty, pathetic desperate threats as you have too much dirt on her. (c) Report the beast- you never know, he might have past convictions against him, which may make yours seem extra credible. It is worth a try- you may just save someone's childhood.
Be kind to yourself, you're a brave person
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Agree with the others; she's clearly mad. Cut her out of your life.
She's not going to call SS, and if she does you calmly tell them the truth: that your step father abused you as a child, and as she has chosen to get back together with him you have broken off contact.
So sorry you've been through all this but you are much much better off without her.
Please take control of this. Find childcare for your dcs and go to the police, tell them everything (including you pushing her as then when she uses it as trump card she looks daft). Stop running, do what you can to stop them ruining your life and him doing the same thing to someone else.
Dh believes you, the people on this thread believe you.
Why are you scared of police and social services? The push I imagine would warrant a caution at the very most. If they took everyone's child away who had pushed somei,one there would be a lot of kids in care.
Hey sweetie. I suspect he is back because you have kids. So you are absolutely doing the right thing. Do not let either of them near your kids again. You know the truth and don't let her nasty demands or threats sway you.
Given the current series of celebrity cases in the courts - often where the victims have been prevented from speaking out or where they spoke out but weren't taken seriously at the time - I think the police are taking a different approach to cases like yours. Times have chanced, you're now an adult and, if you were to report it again, I think you'd be treated with much more respect and it would be investigated.
As for your mother... selfish is not the word for it. Bizarre behaviour.
Thank you all for your advice.
You are right about contact with my mum. I could never trust her with my DCs again now and my DCs deserve better than her anyway.
I shall go to see my siblings today to talk about where we go next.
Talking to siblings good first step to taking control. You can do this
It's a shame you didn't record what your mother said to you about 'knowing' that you deserved it. Disgusting woman.
Just cut her off, and do not let her bully you into seeing the gc. Protect your dc, and yourself. Go back to the police and report him.
Good call to speak to your siblings.
just you have done everything right. So sorry that you were dismissed when you reported.
I believe you.
You must have been very brave to report it back then, without the support of the person who should have been protecting you. The face that you did is in your favour now. If your mother does go to the police or ss then that report is on file. They know that many reports of abuse were handled appallingly back then.
Police and SS are well used to what they call 'malicious allegations' so I wouldn't worry about that.
Honestly, I think you should cut her out of your life and see therapy for the trauma you suffered as a child.
let her fucking call SS on you, just fucking LET HER
in fact, call her bluff. "Yes mum call SS, given the recent yewtree allegation I am sure that SS will be very keen on hearin my allegations against him"
so angry for you OP
she enabled an abuser OP, so if she wants to fucking open that can of worms, our friends at "operation yewtree" will be VERY interested
I am so sorry you were abused, time and time again I read heartbreaking posts and my heart bleeds for these poor children
I dont think you will ever have the strength to face her on this, as its SOOOO difficult.
I would cut her out to be honest. if you dont feel brave enough to tell her why thats OK
but this woman does not deserve you
and you said "it took me years before I told DH because I had convinced myself that no-one would believe me."
OP my dear, the only good things around the foul Jimmy Saville invcident its given a voice to children like you. WE ALL BELEIVE YOU, and police will too. how much do you bet he abused other people too? I bet he did.
sending love, and cut that bitch out (sorry!)
Well done OP. I would go nc as well.
Don't worry about police or SS, she will stay well clear of them, because she knows how badly she has let you down as a child (and still does).
If she's deluded enough to "report" you, she will risk having her newly appeared ex convicted.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Meh - let her call whoever she likes. Even if they did show up, you just explain what's going on and that your mum is a huge trouble-maker. Really, don't worry about it.
Agree with everyone else that the best thing to do for yourself is to stay FAR away from her and from him. They'll bring you nothing but trouble.
Can you PM me her address so I can shit on her doorstep?
Best comment on the thread, IMO. I also volunteer. In fact I'll get DH and DS to donate to the cause too.
Hope you feel less shaky this morning, OP. And that your siblings offer you the support you so very truly deserve. Sending you a huge hug.
Reporting this now & forcing your mother to face up to the reality of who he is & her own complicity in the abuse would be the best thing.
In my experience, toxic mothers are only able to remain that way because they build cloud cuckoo land around them & lash out at anyone who doesn't play along. And of course your sf is more than happy to do so (perhaps because he is hoping that through her he'll have the opportunity to abuse your dds?).
How awful for you OP. I hope you get support of your siblings today.x
Your mother is a paedophile - she didn't just collude in your abuse, she made you available to your step-father. I'm astonished that you've had any contact with her, let alone with your children.
I'm a social worker, and this is my professional opinion. Have nothing more to do with her.
I believe you and you did the right thing to remove your children. You are a better mother than she could ever hope to be.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
what an evil woman, I really hope you find the strength to report your step-dad to the police again.
Your mother will clearly do and say anything to avoid facing up to reality: her 'great love' is a child abuser only interested in young women and girls (which she is not) and she knowingly facilitated his abuse of her own child.
If anything, you should report to SS and get their help to keep both these awful people away from your children.
As for pushing her out of the house, as far as I know if you the occupant withdraw someone's licence to be on the premises by asking them to leave, and they refuse to go, you are entitled to use reasonable force to remove them. She will get nowhere with that.
Thank you for your advice
My mum hasn't called any authorities however she did visit my ILs.
Apparently she knocked on the door and she was pleasant saying she wanted a chance to explain and talk MIL let her in. Once she was in there she told them she was being picked on. ILs said that me and DH wouldn't pick on her so she told them I was horrid and that I hated them and basically told them about my step dads abuse but adding that I deserved it. FIL told her to leave in the end and then called DH and told him about it.
I feel so stupid and embarrassed because my ILs know everything. They don't believe it was my fault and they don't blame me. (They are too nice)
But I feel a bit awkward having them know everything.
Bless you.At least now you will not have to explain any times you rdm is not around at family times and you inlaws will have an understanding of the stress that you have been living with.
How are you?x
Be positive, there is another 2 fully grown adults who your mother has shown her true colours to!
What a horrible, vile piece of work she is!
So she actually has acknowledged that you were abused now (by telling your ILs that you deserved it).
Cut her out and have nothing more to do with her again. You will be doing yourself and your DCs a great favour.
Could you not get in before her and phone 101 and ask their advice, wrt her threats to call them and SS? She followed it up going to your ILs, at least you would have them to back you up. Then if she does 'report' it would already by on record?
I am okay thank you.
Apparently she has handed in her notice at work and has told everyone where we live that she is going to Spain with her 'true love' so they won't be around any longer.
If anyone knows how to explain to children where their nanna has gone.
Goodness me she does sound deluded.
Good riddance. You deserved your abuse? She's a criminal.
I would tell dc the bare minimum. Honestly, they don't need a person like this in their life.
It's very difficult, but just try to detach from it. In a way, she's done you a favour speaking to ILs about it, as she has aired what happened and (more importantly), her views on it. They have given their view on it and are clearly supporting you. Try not to feel embarrassed - this is not your shame, but hers and his. (Did you ask for this to happen? No.)
As for dcs, just tell them she's gone to live in Spain and keep repeating.
You have support around you, find the strength to accept it. People love and care about you.
Maybe it's worth leaving whether it not you want to report it to one side until you have let things settle a bit.
Your IL's will be so, so amazed that someone as sane and lovely as you was raised by that disgusting pair. I mean, think about it: if your DS married a lovely girl who was a great wife, mother and DIL and then her vile mother turned up, tried to spin a pack of lies about how DIL hated you and then topped up by saying her husband had abused the DIL but she deserved it? What would you feel? I'd feel massively sad for the DIL and very, very protective and concerned that she knew she had a new family who loved her very much.
And I would tell the kids Nanna has done something very, very naughty and you can't see her any more. And I would get solicitor to write to your mother pointing out that she has made an admission that your SD abused you and that she knew and covered for him, and that being so, and she is back together with him, you cannot allow any form of contact, direct or indirect, as a child protection issue.
I am so sorry you have had to cope with this. But there really could not be a more clear-cut case of contact needing to be severed for your children's sake, as well as your own.
Give yourself some credit. You've emerged from a family of birth that would have broken many - perhaps even most - with a conscience and empathy and the ability to love all fully intact. That's pretty fucking brilliant of you. If you were my DIL I would love you to bits all the more for knowing how strong and inherently decent you were.
She told your in laws that you deserved it? Did I read that correctly
Oh she is just fucking vile
Cut all contact
Did you manage to speak to your siblings?
I appreciate that you wouldn't have wanted your PILs to know about the abuse. But, do remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of. It is your step father and mother who should feel ashamed - definitely not you.
Yes I spoke to my siblings one has gone to stay at a friends house in case my mum turns up with him. The other is keeping an eye out for them but their has been no sightings yet.
They support me if I want to report one will back me up completely the other doesn't want to be involved in that. (Which is understandable)
Tell them their nanna has gone to live somewhere else and leave it at that.
Eventually they won't question it and just accept it.
When SFIL left MIL, DS wasn't told anything at all. He occasionally asked where SFIL was and when he was told he wasn't there, he just didn't really ask. Children adapt and forget pretty quickly when they are young.
Sweety, try not to worry, abusers usually hurl the insults and comments that terrify and upset THEM the most, so the SS comment was her fear.
If anyone called SS and the whole story came out SHE would be in great danger of prosecution, and you would be advised to keep your children and yourself away from her and your step-dad.
Now that this woman has shown herself To your ILS, tbh, there is even more weight to the possibility of her and him facing criminal action.
If I were you i'd tell her that if she comes near you, or anyone you know that you, your sisters and your family that you will go straight to the police and report her and him for sexual abuse of a child.
Then change your numbers and refuse all further contact.
Oh and if you need somewhere to talk, come over to stately homes eh? If you're not there already that is!
Thank you hissyfucker I will go and check it out
Have you had counselling justnamechanging ? Whenever something re-emerges from my past that I have difficulties with I go for a top-up session.
It sounds like you're in the eye of the storm at the moment. It all sounds very busy. For me, the counselling room would be a calm space to remind me that I was safe, that there were people who loved me and that my feelings mattered. I would be able to put action to one side and look at my emotions around what was happening.
It's a horrible situation and you sound like you've done really well bar pushing her out of the door. Best wishes.
I'm afraid I have no advice to offer with regards to your situation, but merely an observation.
We hear lots of tales of horrible in-laws, but it sounds like you have a good set. Use them and your family to help you heal and see how loving families behave, and realise your mom is the wrong one, and that nice, normal people are loyal, kind and supportive of each other. I don't know them but I feel confident, from how you describe them, that they aren't judging you, but are probably already looking for ways to love and support you through this.
Hi justnamechanging.. just read this thread, and in response to your question about how to explain to ur kids why their grandmother is no longer a part of their lives.. I have dealt with this myself, as we had to cut my hideously toxic ILs out of our lives. My DDs were 4 and 2 at the time, and I can honestly say thay 2 years on, I can't remember the last time they mentioned them. We had to leave the country we were living in at the time, so all I can suggest is that you tell your DCs that their grandmother has gone to live in another country, you don't need to go into too many details, time will take care of that. Ok, I am assuming that your DCs are young. Oh, and been there, done that, with SS, and there wasn't any ongoing problems, they were very attentive to what we had to say and treated MIL like the toxic bitch that she is, so don't worry about that. I speak from experience, and with time, things dk get better, especially with the kids. Take care, and hope 8t all works out foe the best for you
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