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my head mixed up...

(45 Posts)
killpeppa Wed 30-Oct-13 09:32:46

I am just so so confused. I just don't know what to do. I've been so strong and so decisive all week & today I'm just breaking into pieces.

I told my husband last week I wanted to separate. we have had a rough year with an unexpected pregnancy, a wedding and he cheated. I still love him but I have serious trust issues after the cheating incident. He has always been quite controlling & as a SATM I don't have any income. I don't get a penny for myself, I get given money for the shopping and if I go over my budget he will shout at me. I understand money is tight but he still manages to have a gym membership & go out drinking every weekend.

He can be nasty, telling me that I need to loose weight (sizes 10) and that I don't ever make an effort with my appearance (I always wear make up). Recently he keeps telling me to go to the dr because he thinks I'm depressed (I'm not) I

I just need some strength if anyone has any to spare. if I stay I stay in a relationship that I'm controlled and put down but my family is all together (2 DC) and I have a lovely home.

if I leave I am on my own and will have to claim benefits to get myself on my feet, but I won't live in fear of doing something wrong and being resentful towards someone who drinks, party's and spends money that I'm not allowed to touch.

HettiePetal Wed 30-Oct-13 09:37:02

He's an abusive arse - you know this. Is a nice house worth that kind of misery?

Some time spent on benefits is not that bad - it's tough but doable.

It sounds like, deep down, you want out so start making your plans. Loads of people on here will give you advice and the CAB can give you some info about what benefits to apply for.

Good luck smile

kotinka Wed 30-Oct-13 09:38:26

Things sound very hard for you killpeppa. the home situation is far from ideal. I know living on benefits as a single mum would be difficult, but surely it would be better than living with the put downs and controlling?

Have you tried to get your partner to treat you more reasonably? If his response is shouting at you, is there much to salvage?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 30-Oct-13 09:40:40

That's a famous line from controlling partners, that you must be mentally ill (otherwise of course you would be blissfully happy in the gilded cage). Actually you're more likely to end up mentally ill if you do stay with someone who tells you up is down etc.

killpeppa Wed 30-Oct-13 09:45:33

it's just so hard.
I haven't stopped loving him,but I don't want to be miserable anymore. I have two DS under two & I don't want to turn their little worlds upside downsad

I know what yous are saying is the truth & I have appointment with the benefits office and the housing association tomorrow. the closer it get the more scared I get.
I've lost my bestfriends through all this as it was one of them he cheated with & my other friends have sided with her, I haven't spoke to them in 3 months.

I guess I'm scared of being alone.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 09:50:48

It's natural to be scared of being alone. But it's not a 'lovely home' where you are insulted, cheated on, financially and otherwise abused... it's a cage. However scary the alternatives, they will all be better than living in fear.

kotinka Wed 30-Oct-13 09:52:20

Given time and freedom you'll build up a new circle of friends. Staying put will probably isolate you more. All you have left is a man that's treating you badly.

killpeppa Wed 30-Oct-13 10:00:16

i fear moving from a lovely area and nice house to a housing executive house probably on an estate. (not that there's anything wrong with estates as I used to live in one when I was little but I just want my kids to have the best life possible)

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 10:08:29

Your thread about Financial Abuse

You have no money, he steals money from your account, doesn't let you go out and you have to beg him for money for clothes. Your kids are growing up thinking this is normal and that women should be treated like worthless shit. Are they boys or girls?

If you divorced your exH would be financially responsible for you and his DCs and you'd get half of any assets. He may eve be the one moving out leaving you in the lovely area. If not, wouldn't it be better to have a smaller property of your own where you aren't living in fear, where you can come and go as you please and where your money is yours to do with as you see fit?

Stay strong... and get legal advice

killpeppa Wed 30-Oct-13 10:22:35

I know your right. the closer it gets to becoming reality the scarier it gets.

That thread is the truth I just re-read it & the replies. it's all true and I flipping know it.

I don't want to stay in this house (rented) its too big for me by myself & it's full of reminders of what he's done. I need a fresh start.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 10:24:00

That's the spirit. Good luck

kotinka Wed 30-Oct-13 10:56:26

Cogito' s right, you ought to be able to stay in the home since you have kids. I'm not sure you should move out, it may put you in a weaker position. Do you have a solicitor?

can anyone advise on this?

You are taking all the right steps.
You just need to keep strong and keep going.
You really are doing so well.
Staying would be a disaster for you and for your children.
Imagine the life and relationship lessons you are currently teaching them.
If you feel you are wavering give Women's Aid a call and if you need help with an exit plan they are the people to go to.
This is full on abuse and you know it.
Get out and give yourself and your children the chance of a decent, abuse free life.
We're all behind you so go for it and keep posting for support here.

killpeppa Wed 30-Oct-13 11:07:59

I can stay in the house but I don't want too- I moved away from my family to be with him so I'd want to be closer to my mum.

I think I will ring woman's aid- to chat things through.

I'm so thankful for all the support I've received on my threads about this as yous really have given me strength and perspective

mammadiggingdeep Wed 30-Oct-13 11:11:35

Good luck op.

Keep posting here when you feel wobbly

You deserve much more

X

killpeppa Wed 30-Oct-13 12:15:33

right! I can do this.

just read back through all the threads I have posted about this in the past week. I have to do this for my own sanity.
I have told him he can't stay here anymore and that he needs to go stay at his mums.
I have my housing appointment tomorrow and I'm so so nervous.

I rang CB and CTC to make sure they were updated on the situation. my CTC will stop for 3 weeks until my single claim starts- don't know what I'm going to do!? I need that money but il have to swallow my pride & ask for a helping hand from my dad which can be repaid.

I just want to get past this bit! so much uncertainty.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 12:20:19

I'm sure your Dad will be delighted and won't want to be paid back. Glad you're being decisive.

killpeppa Wed 30-Oct-13 12:50:46

just rang women's aid for a chat & cried down the phone for about 20 minutes but it was so good to get it off my chest.

the woman was so so lovely & just put my mind at ease about all the worries I've had about this.

I'm now mentally drainedsad

kotinka Wed 30-Oct-13 12:54:24

well done brew it's not easy.

CogitoEerilySpooky Wed 30-Oct-13 12:55:38

It's stressful stuff making big decisions, but you've set things in train and that's a massive step towards a better future. Glad Womens Aid could help you. But make time for yourself now, look after your physical/mental well-being and take every chance you get to be with people and in places that make you feel better and supported rather than trapped. Keep posting if it helps.

Well done killpeppa, you've made a big step. x

Well done xx
Separating is so much better when children are younger. The longer you wait the more damaged they will be by living with this abusive horror.

Well done love, you are doing brilliantly smile

Mumsyblouse Wed 30-Oct-13 18:42:44

You are for sure doing the right thing, good luck with it all.

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 13:23:29

update: housing were meant to call, they didn't, I called them.
whoever I talked to is a twat & didn't put me on the call list.
now waiting for a call this afternoon.

H is trying to make me stay in the town I currently live in, I want to move to be close to my mum in the village I grew up, he's having a hissy fit and telling me,
'I'm being selfish, It's nicer here anywhere else I go will be a dump, the kids are being taken away from their town (1.8 and 7months)'

I'm not being selfish am I?
I have no friends or direct family here.

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 13:29:15

It's not selfish to want family support when you have small children and are a lone parent. How far away are you planning to move?

HelloBoys Thu 31-Oct-13 13:31:55

the kids will gain EVERYTHING from being near your family and friends and away from him.

what are they supposed to lose at this stage? play gym? playgroup? you can get those rearranged in your family town.

My mum moved with me and my dad when I was about 2 and I had no ties or real memories of the old town/home.

stay strong

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 13:36:00

only 15 minutes away.
but he's making a big deal because we don't have a car.

I know that housing executive means the possibility of a housing estate, but I grew up beside one & had lots of friends from there, people I still talk to. if I was to live in an estate I'd pick there over somewhere I had no clue where the 'dodgy bits' are.

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 13:40:19

15 minutes? I thought you were going to say hundreds of miles. smile Tell him to jog on and get a few bus timetables.

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 15:13:08

HE called, so they want me to come down to them and chat things through as I'm going from an abusive relationship & want to make sure I know every option to make sure I'm safe & comfortable with my decision.

not that I'm at risk but they are helping me make the best choice for my little family & they were so lovely.
just want to get this sorted & get settled before Christmas.

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 15:32:52

That sounds like progress. As for 'risk' I think it may work better for you if you err on the side of being quite worried about his reaction rather than underplaying it.

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 15:38:59

he knows I'm going.
he knows what I think of him.

he is still hoping for reconciliation.
not this time.
I've been a door mat for too long.

FunnyRunner Thu 31-Oct-13 15:41:42

You are doing brilliantly Peppa. I didn't see your other threads but what you've put on this one is enough for me to know he's a complete wanker. Definitely move closer to your folks if they are supportive. So impressed at how decisive you are being. x

str8tothepoint Thu 31-Oct-13 16:23:26

I don't think she sounds scared, I think your relishing this, lots of freedom and a happy independent woman. Go for it and never look back :-)

janesnowdon1 Thu 31-Oct-13 16:23:51

Try and read "Why does he do That?" or "Should I stay or should I go?" both by Lundy Bancroft. These books will really help you to understand the way your husband has been behaving and help give you strength.

You are doing brilliantly - well done the Housing Executive for being so helpful

CogitoEerilySpooky Thu 31-Oct-13 16:28:56

I don't think she sounds scared either but, when it comes to housing procedures, I think you get higher priority if you can make out your situation is a little worse than it actually is.

cjel Thu 31-Oct-13 18:44:22

Well done Killpeppa, I have lived the huge house unhappily and the tiny house happy and I know which I'd choose every time. Do what is best for you. 15mins is still local and the age of your dcs mean they won't even know what is home yet.
This sounds so exciting. stay strongx

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 31-Oct-13 19:03:21

Do pop over to the EA thread (nearly full, but there'll be another one along afterwards), for a drink at the Vixen's, and a ticket on the train to indifference and freedom.

killpeppa Thu 31-Oct-13 20:55:19

thanks everyonesmilewas so nice to come and see these messages after a tough evening (of arguing)
he leaves to go to his mums on Sunday (thank god!)

I'll keep you'd posted on the housing situation, fingers crossed I can get more informed and the process on the road tomorrow.

killpeppa Fri 01-Nov-13 12:29:01

just got sorted at the housing executive.

I'm in the list. just applied for income support & all that fun stuffsad

I'm happy I'm starting a new chapter but sad the way it's starting

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 01-Nov-13 13:21:48

Doing the right thing isn't always a pleasant or easy experience, unfortunately. However, no matter how difficult it is, there are few thing to beat feeling in control of your own life. You may even look back on this point in years to come as when things really turned around.

ChippingInLovesAGoodBang Fri 01-Nov-13 13:29:22

Killpeppa - I've only just seen your thread here. You are doing really really well. Don't listen to what he is saying, do what is right for you and your DC and that's being near your Mum. You are not turning your DC's lives upside down, they're very very small, you are making their lives a million times better. Just think - Christmas how you want it smile

I'm sorry, because I know how hard it is when you still love someone - but love isn't enough and he's a nasty controlling bully. In time you will meet someone who is worthy of your love.

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 15:06:24

Well Done Killpeppa, Stay stron and make your dcs a lovely life.

killpeppa Fri 01-Nov-13 15:27:39

I've thought about private rental as well and have an appointment on Monday to see a lovely little house,

fingers crossed for me.

cjel Fri 01-Nov-13 15:52:06

I will keep them crossed for youxx

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