Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

dh staying in the car - can we salvage our relationship

(46 Posts)
tumblingteef Sat 26-Oct-13 16:21:02

My dh has alcohol problems. Last weekend he came home drunk and pissed in our daughter's pram, after having a few months off alcohol and things being an awful lot better.

The night before last he came home pissed at 5 am. I told him I didn't want to be in a relationship with him anymore, was disappointed and sad. I am 4 weeks pregnant. He laid down next to me in bed and kept trying to pull down my trousers. I told him to get off. I went into the living room and asked him to leave me alone. He followed me in and pulled my trousers off while I shouted repeatedly 'no, get off me'. I tried to grab my phone to call the police and he threw it across the room. He got me on the floor and tried to give me oral sex. I bit him on the arm and on the leg and ran out into the street.

It was wet I had no shoes on. He ran out after me with my house keys. I grabbed them off him and ran back into my home locking him out.

I took my son to nursery and went to work. I called him and told him to move out.

He has left and keeps sending messages about how awful he feels, and how it is all his fault, how what he has been doing is unforgivable. He is desperate not to get a divorce, but acknowedges he needs to change.

Is it possible he can change? I think he was so drunk he thought he could 'pleasure' me and I'd forgive him. I am so angry I don't know if I can ever forgive.

He is sleeping in the car. What shall I do now? Practically? Emotionally? What should I expect from him? Can it even ever work between me and him?

ImperialFucker Sat 26-Oct-13 16:23:47

No, it can't work between you.

He's got serious problems with alcohol. He assaulted you. He's now sleeping in the car and trying to make you feel guilty.

You will always come last - is that what you want?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Oct-13 16:25:16

Change from being an abusive drunk and attempted rapist???..... hmm.... Have a word with yourself love. What you should do is put a few of his things in a bin bag and leave them on the doorstep so that, when he wakes up, he can get lost without disturbing you. I'd also suggest calling the police about the attack because you'll need that on record if you want to keep your DC safe. You can expect nothing from a violent alcoholic except more of the same. Sorry...

KatyTheCleaningLady Sat 26-Oct-13 16:26:14

I can't really say for certain that it will never work, but I know it won't if you take him back now. He needs to get sober and do a lot of work on himself, for himself.

The man tried to rape you. I don't think it's likely you will ever have a good relationship with him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Oct-13 16:26:25

BTW.... 'pleasure' was not on his mind. Rape is a vicious crime. No-one is so pissed that the don't know they're attacking someone.

kinkyfuckery Sat 26-Oct-13 16:28:48

Why do you want to "salvage" the relationship? He tried to RAPE you!!

Your head must be all over the place sad

ChippingInNeedsANYFUCKER Sat 26-Oct-13 16:34:04

I would tell him that first of all he needs to find somewhere else to live, he cannot keep sleeping in the car.

Then that he has to sort out his alcoholism.

I would agree to not 'moving on/seeing anyone else' for a period whilst he is staying sober & getting help, but that I would not be a part of that and that I don't want to see him or talk to him other than to hand DD over for visits (if he can be trusted to have her).

See what happens, you don't have to decide right now what your entire future holds - just one step at a time.

tumblingteef Sat 26-Oct-13 16:34:27

My head is all over the place. I think I'm confused as he he didn't try to have sex with me, he wanted to have oral sex. That's why I feel conflicted I fucking hate him. But when he is sober he is kind to me. I am hormonal and life looks bleak. I don't know where to turn, who to ask for help. I feel awful.

Meerka Sat 26-Oct-13 16:38:53

I don't think so, not in this situation. Pissing in your daughter's pram??! trying to force sex on you??? Go with the above poster's advice and ring the police, these are crimes and, OP, what if he tries to rape someone else? And you knew what he was capable of and did nothing?

He's not a decent human being at the moment and he's treated you like shit.

If, if there is a future for you together (and I don't think there is) then it is years in the future when he has sorted himself out. Years.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 26-Oct-13 16:40:02

People can change. However...he has a LOT of work to do on himself. In the meantime you and your ds need to be safe. If he really loves and respects you, he'll get help with his alcohol problem whilst staying else where for however it takes.

It sounds horrific. Be kind to yourself xx

tribpot Sat 26-Oct-13 16:41:54

If his goal had been to give you pleasure, why did he stop you from calling the police? Call it what it was, a sexual assault.

He's sleeping in the car to force you to take him back. He needs to rent a bedsit and see his GP for alcotreatment. You should consider reporting him to the police.

tribpot Sat 26-Oct-13 16:43:14

Alcotreament = alcohol treatment. Is he still drinking?

AnyFuckerForSindarella Sat 26-Oct-13 16:45:20

No. He will never change whilst he has no reason to. An alcoholic has to hit rock bottom before they may decide to change.
He will not change for anyone but himself.

Coming from someone who lives with alcoholic. Been trying to get him out for a few weeks now.

Stick to your guns, do not let him sweet talk you with promises. If you want to make a go of it, tell him he needs to get help and prove to you he can stay sober, a year or so? Dont expect miracles OP. X

tumblingteef Sat 26-Oct-13 16:47:02

I looked up the legal definition, it was sexual assault. Unforgivable. I can't get away from it. I have told a few friends in rl and they say to boot him out temporarily and take him back if he has made efforts to change.

I am in a mess and don't know who to turn to. Got some girlfriends coming over now, need some help as I feel weak and have ms. I am so ashamed it's got thos far.

Offred Sat 26-Oct-13 16:47:10

Call women's aid on - tel:0808 202000 20247

And also please call the police non emergency number 101 to report the assault. It is a very serious business. Now more than ever is important you report domestic violence crimes because later down the line in custody cases you will need it taken into account in order to protect the children from his drinking and also in order to qualify for legal aid.

Kleptronic Sat 26-Oct-13 16:48:23

You have been sexually assaulted (at the very, very least) and you had to fight to get away, you had to bite your attacker to get away and ran out of the house in fear with no shoes on, presumably with your child still in the house.

No one has the right to do that to you under any circumstances.

Please ring Rape Crisis, you need proper support from professionals, this is a horrible crime which has been committed against you and you deserve support.

Rape Crisis
0808 802 9999
Lines open every day between:
12 - 2.30pm
7 - 9.30pm

EricLovesAnyFucker Sat 26-Oct-13 16:48:30

I'm so sorry this has happened.
Short answer to your question - no. He's an alcoholic and he's not seeking treatment or support - that's the end of that. You can't bring up two children with a raging, out of control alcoholic. You owe them better.
Secondly - he sexually assaulted you. I can't see how you can ever come back from that. He is capable of sexual assault. It's irrelevant what his motives were, he sexually assaulted you.
It must be horrible, being newly gp and realising that your husband has to leave. But he does. He's sleeping in the car because he doesn't believe that yo will follow through so he's not bothered to find alternative accommodation, plus he's trying to guilt trip you. How dare he.

EricLovesAnyFucker Sat 26-Oct-13 16:49:33

Pg, not gp

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 26-Oct-13 16:49:59

No. I'm sorry. Put your dd and yourself first. You're 4 weeks gone; this is a circumstance where I think you need to think carefully about whether you are in a position to go through with it.

He is alcoholic and abusive and you deserve better. Getting shot of him is the first step to a better life imo.

Kleptronic Sat 26-Oct-13 16:53:27

You need to report this to the police. It needs to be documented because a crime has been committed against you, and to make sure that if he continues to commit offences there is a record of his behaviour so the police and courts can act accordingly.

Although people can change, you need to protect yourself first and foremost, and this is one of the things which needs to be done in order to look after yourself properly.

LIZS Sat 26-Oct-13 16:54:45

You need to protect yourself and your children first and foremost . Maybe it would be salvageable if you separated and he sought genuine help and support. But he is an alcoholic who needs to admit it and learn to control it rather than it control him. Far more than just to "change", he will never be cured and it is up to you whether longer term that is something you can accept. Can you call Al Anon for help for you. He can't sleep drunk in the car , he could get arrested as a drink-driver.

Offred Sat 26-Oct-13 16:55:45

People in real life often give well meaning advice which is utterly wrong. I would categorise "kick him out and take him back if he makes efforts to change" as utterly wrong.

He needs to stop drinking for him not for keeping his marriage.

Also, and most importantly, when a partner has sexually (or otherwise) assaulted you there should be no going back even if there is change or an appearance of it. It is too serious a thing. It ends the relationship forever because; a. The hurt and fear is too much for the victim as a result and likely taints the quality of any future relationship which may feel like a constant wait for the next incident, b. it is necessary to minimise the pain in order to live with someone who did that, and this and the fear of i told you sos, makes it very likely you wont recognise or acknowledge or deal with further abuse after going back, and c. I don't believe it is possible for an abuser to significantly overcome abusive behaviour with a partner they have abused because it is easier for the abuser to fall back into an abusive pattern even if they, by some miracle, have managed to change.

Offred Sat 26-Oct-13 16:57:12

Oops women's aid is 0808 2000 247, copied incorrectly from the site before sorry!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Oct-13 17:15:05

Please don't let him make you feel ashamed and please don't let girlfriends try to minimise what happened. Look at it this way, if a stranger had come into your home drunk and done the same things, would you be here asking what to do next or would you be calling the police the minute they left? He is no better than that stranger and you owe him nothing, no matter how nice he may be in between bouts of drunkenness and violent assaults.

You don't deserve to be within 50 miles of this man & neither do your DC(s) You've had a truly horrible experience, you're traumatised and you need to report it. Good luck

nouvellevag Sat 26-Oct-13 17:52:58

This can't be the first time his drinking has had a negative impact on you. If he was going to change for you, he'd have changed already. He pissed in his daughter's pram (jesus fucking christ) and still thought drinking was a good idea. He's now sexually assaulted you, and I bet you anything there'll come another time when he thinks drinking is a good idea. A person without a drinking problem would have stopped by now.

Maybe he will stop one day when he hits rock bottom, maybe not, but if nothing he's done so far has got him to that point then I wouldn't have any faith that this will be either, whatever he says. You cannot trust him in your house. He's not in control of his drinking and so it doesn't matter what he says or how much he regrets it, you cannot be sure that it won't happen again, and NO relationship is worth risking a repeat of that.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 26-Oct-13 18:32:38

He may not be totally aware of what he is doing when he is drunk. However the effects of his actions coupled with the fact that he is doing nothing to address the situation (get help to stop drinking and avoid a situation entirely) means he is just a culpable as if it was premeditated.

You cannot control his actions, they may be controlled by drink but if he won't do anything about it he's choosing to put you in a position of having to deal with him when he is out of control.

FobblyWoof Sat 26-Oct-13 18:49:11

Yes, it absolutely is sexual assault and please don't let anyone <him> try and tell you differently. Not only was what he did totally unacceptable etc etc, he threw your phone across the room so you couldn't call for help. That is not the actions of a man who had no idea what he was doing was wrong.

I wish you luck, but please don't go back to this man.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Oct-13 18:49:30

Alcohol - he will find if/when he stands in front of a judge - is no defence.

nouvellevag Sat 26-Oct-13 19:11:14

Tbh I would also worry about him being that out of control around your kids, though I assume (hope) they are asleep when it happens and don't see him like this. How old are they? I don't want to be melodramatic but even if he doesn't intend to be violent, there have been instances of adults climbing into babies' cots/beds when drunk, falling asleep there and (horrible, sorry) smothering the baby. Or just dropping small children, falling downstairs with them... Not that it would need to be that bad before it was totally bloody unacceptable.

I wouldn't want him in the house.

Shakey1500 Sat 26-Oct-13 19:18:39

Oh please don't feel ashamed. What he did was despicable and I actually gasped and recoiled reading your OP. Please look after yourself and your children sad

I also couldn't be anywhere near him.

ArthurCucumber Sat 26-Oct-13 19:26:12

Jesus Christ, get rid of the fucker. No questions asked.

He has sexually assaulted and terrified a pregnant woman sad. And even before that - he knew, when he went out and started drinking, that the last time he did that he pissed in his daughter's pram. He lifted that first drink up to his lips, knowing that he had done that. Just think about that. Before he had that first drink, he was sober, and knew that, and still he did it.

tumblingteef Sat 26-Oct-13 21:08:49

Thank you. I phoned rape crisis but they weren't available.

I did a tax credit calculation and I will be able to survive financially without him. I really hate him, but I feel guilty for my children for making such a bad decision about their dad. I am riddled with guilt, shame and anger.

My parents are going to be devastated. Maybe not. I don't know what they'll think.

I have already made plans for my future without him, this has been building for a while. How am I going to get a divorce? Oh god, we've only been married two years.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Oct-13 21:22:26

Again... if it had been a complete stranger attacking you this way would you feel guilty or ashamed? Anger is good. Hold onto the fury because it'll help you think clearly. Your DCs won't know this man as well as they might have done but is that really any great loss in their life? Your parents probably will be devastated. Anyone reading your story feels devastated on your behalf. But most parents would walk over hot coals to help a DC in crisis and I'm sure they'll back up your decision to divorce. Better to get shot after two years than live a second more in fear.

Stay strong.

Sleepyhoglet Sat 26-Oct-13 21:26:30

I have been told of on an AIBU thread for supporting a couple in working at their relationship. Here, though, he has overstepped boundaries. I don't think I could move on from this.

peggyundercrackers Sat 26-Oct-13 21:29:12

tumbling im sure your parents will be behind you 100% of the way and will feel disgusted at the way he has treated you. he needs serious help with his drinking - I don't think being drunk is an excuse for doing what he done either, what he did was inexcusable.

JoinYourPlayfuckers Sat 26-Oct-13 21:31:33

"I feel guilty for my children for making such a bad decision about their dad."

Their dad tried to force you to have sex with him.

Deciding to leave him can't be a BAD decision.

Your children deserve a better father than this piss-artist who attacked you and and sexually assaulted you.

They certainly don't deserve to be forced to grow up in a home with a father who drinks so much he is violent and abusive towards their mother.

Meerka Sat 26-Oct-13 21:32:31

I think you need to report this to the police because of your children.

He will have rights to see the children unless there is very good reason not to. But atm he really does not sound responsible enough to be in charge of a teaspoon, never mind a little one. You will need a reason to say WHY you don't want him having them though,*tumbling*. Abuse of their things and violence needs to be recorded.

semirurallife Sat 26-Oct-13 21:38:33

my heart goes out to you.. my first/ex was a drinker and it put me throgh hell. I kicked him out when baby was 4 months old.
drink is hellish, its a mindfield because its not just a legal or social or medical problem, its a bit of all but if its not enough of any then no-one wants to know. the police, in my humble opinion, are usually useless in such cases.

if you can make a fresh start, gather all the support you can, great start sorting your finances, and sail off towards a brighter future. I remarried someone who is a great dad, a calm presence. it was a hard hard journey but worth it. his drinking is not your problem, you cannot fix it, and it cannot be your kids problem. access etc, you will need to sort down the line, not sure if upstream you've mentioned legal aid but there are online forums where you can get advice - and obvs here - when it comes to legal matters.
good luck. lucky kids to have such a brave mum

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 26-Oct-13 21:40:42

Legal aid has been mentioned and that's actually another good reason to involve the police and report the sexual assault. Where DV has been a factor, legal aid is still available for divorce cases. No report of DV and it's your own cost.

Kleptronic Sat 26-Oct-13 22:22:29

I'm sorry Rape Crisis weren't available for you - please keep trying, they are busy but it's important you get support.

It's good to hear you've done some planning and you feel you can manage financially. It doesn't matter if you've been married two weeks or twenty years - what he has done is absolutely not acceptable.

As Meerka and Cogito said, it's important to report this crime in order to make future proceedings go as easy as they can be made to go for you. You deserve support in order to get away from him, and your children deserve to be protected from his alcoholism. You will get more legal support with a divorce and contact arrangements if the extent of his actions are known and documented.

Please report this crime and protect yourself.

KoPo Sun 27-Oct-13 00:28:14

First of all Im wishing you a huge and very unmumsnetty hug.

Im so sorry to say but no you cant really work this out with him.

He sexually assaulted you and may well have gone further if he had managed to. As for the fact that he threw your phone away from you is evidence to me that he knew what he was doing to a greater extent.

You need to be away from him and if it was me I wouldnt ever be thinking of going back. That kind of behaviour is a scary indication of the man that he really is.

Keep trying rape crisis and also phone womens aid to get some practical advice for getting out safely.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Sun 27-Oct-13 00:34:32

Your first paragraph was enough...

Dirtybadger Sun 27-Oct-13 01:09:26

Please report the assault to the police. Alcohol makes such offences worse not better (legally). If you leave him, reporting him may protect another woman somehow in the far future, if his behaviour ever unfortunately begins to form a pattern. sad

tumblingteef Sun 27-Oct-13 21:29:21

Thanks again. I have still not told my parents. I am in a real mess emotionally. I am so upset. I keep feeling ok, and then crashing back down. Husband has gone off the radar. He has left his keys so can't stroll back in. I feel sick, and so tired and sad.

Thanks for the advice, I did try rape crisis again, but no luck. I really do need someone to talk to but writing it down here is helpful.

SomethingOnce Sun 27-Oct-13 21:43:58

From the Women's Aid website:

If you require an urgent response or need in-depth emotional support please contact the Freephone 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

I think you should also call your parents ASAP and tell them the truth.

SomethingOnce Sun 27-Oct-13 21:52:42

You've done the right thing in keeping him out of the home - please stay strong and don't go back on it. Neither you nor your children are safe with him around.

Furthermore, while you and DC are most important here, I think you'll be doing him a favour in the long run if you help him understand - by divorcing him - that he has a major problem and needs help.

Wishing you all the strength in the world.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now