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IABU but Why am I so upset about this?(184 Posts)
DP just came into our room,I was asleep.
I'm 8 months pregnant,I have SPD and I'm in a lot of pain,he knew I'd been having trouble sleeping and that my legs ached.
He woke me up by pulling at the duvet which was wound between my legs,I'd finally found a comfortable position and fallen asleep about 30 mins previously.
I asked him to stop but he wouldn't,he kept pulling at it,shouting at me that he wanted it,he was cold and he needed it. I said to get another from the cupboard. This wasn't good enough for him and he kept pulling at the duvet,ripping it out from under me.
I was half asleep and confused and hurt,it hurt my hips a lot when he pulled the duvet away and i grabbed it back and yelled at him to go away. He still wouldn't let go and wouldn't leave.
I was freaked out,I screamed at him to get out. By this time he had the duvet he'd pulled it away really aggressively.I was on the bed completely exposed still half asleep and,quite frankly frightened. He kept yelling at me.
I screamed for him to get out about 6 times and i actually slapped him before he finally did.
I cannot stop crying and shaking.
I know I acted like a nutcase,but I don't understand why he did this?
Why wouldn't he leave when I was obviously upset?
Why didn't he care that he was scaring me?
Why did he want the duvet so much that he was willing to wake me up by pulling it off me and shouting at me? There are plenty of other duvets and blankets etc.
I don't even understand why I acted the way I did,I've never hit anyone in my life,but I felt totally helpless and I just wanted to make him leave.
He pretended to cry when he left,it was really obviously not real crying and he was acting so oddly. I just don't understand.
I can't sleep,I'm so shaken up by the whole,weird incident. Its so ridiculous. It's just a freaking duvet.
Someone tell me WTF just happened and why I'm so upset.please.
Please don't flame me,I know I acted badly. I feel like a nutcase.
I don't think you're nuts, and I don't have any answers, but just wanted to let you know someone does not think you're nuts. I hope you can relax and somehow get back to sleep....
I think you may have been so upset because your partner was being unkind to you.
He woke you when you were sleeping and acted aggressively before humiliating you by leaving you exposed.
I feel very sorry for you, the behaviour is even worse due to the fact that you are obv quite vulnerable at the moment.
Hope you're ok?
You are not being unreasonable in the slightest, you were asleep and he was the aggressive one frightening and hurting you. It isn't right for him to treat you like that.
Does he realise your pain and discomfort and how difficult it is to get comfy and sleep?
Would he treat anyone else like that? I doubt it
Has he done anything like this before?
Thankyou you for replying. It means a lot.
I can't stop crying,I'm hormonal central ATM. I can't sleep,I don't want him here,I've never felt like that about him before.
We had a small argument earlier today and I brought up some things he'd promised me he'd do that he hasn't done. Then he went out with his friend to the pub. He came back and was perfectly nice,I said I was in pain and I was having trouble getting to sleep,he said he hoped I could get comfy soon and was sympathetic,then he went back downstairs and at some point I managed to fall asleep. The next thing I know he's pulling the duvet out from under my legs saying I don't need it because I'm not even underneath it,and he needs it. He yanked it really hard,my hips hurt. I feel ridiculous.
I feel all emotional for you tbh. I remember how upsetting small things could be for me when I was 8 months gone and this isn't a small thing. I can't stress enough that you did nothing wrong.
He could have not woken you at all and sorted out another cover, he could have gently woken you and asked about it - there was no need for him to be so unkind.
I don't mean to alarm you but I have heard that domestic violence often starts or escalates during pregnancy when women are more vulnerable.
If he is anything other than genuinely mortified and apologetic in the extreme tomorrow - that is not right and huge warning sign.
and if this isn't the first time then please stay safe and seek some help
ok.. don't feel ridiculous. It wasn't you. He could have easily sorted it out himself or kindly asked you for another cover if he couldn't find one himself.
Don't let him get away with it or turn it around on you.
I really hope he understands how unacceptable his behavior was.
It helps so much just to have someone 'here' and sort through my thoughts.
I'm starting to calm down a bit,I doubt I'll sleep for a while but I'm not shaking anymore.
It all feels so surreal.
That is very strange behaviour Could he have been taking drugs? I can't for the life of me think why anyone would wake someone they loved in such a mean way. Let alone a dp who is 8 months pregnant with their dc, struggling to sleep and in pain. I hope he is very very sorry op but be careful and stay safe as other posters have said this is a major alarm bell.
Are you sure he'd only just come in / was fully awake? It sounds a very strange thing to do, so I wonder whether he had semi-woken & started doing it, or was doing it in his sleep iyswim?
Hope you're feeling more calm now, and manage to get some sleep.
I can't be sure,he might have fallen asleep downstairs and then come up.
But he was obviously awake when refusing to leave the room,and was acting really strangely. Pretending(?) he didn't understand why I was upset,he kept saying "why are you acting like this?!" "I want to sleep in my bed!" he's not normally particularly bothered about sleeping in 'his' bed,he normally falls asleep on the sofa...(this was after I'd asked him to leave about 6 times)
I think the strength that he used pulling the duvet away shocked me,I've never felt so helpless.
I can't sleep,my hips hurt and my legs ache,I can't find a comfortable position again,I dont think he realises how hard it is to find a position to sleep in. I was comfortable for the first time all day,I was actually not hurting and able to sleep deeply.
The DC will be up at 6,he's going to work at 7. I ŵont cope on this amount of sleep.i wish I could just fall asleep.
He's just come into the room to use the en suite,he didn't say a word,neither did I. He's gone back downstairs.
itcantbe agree with other posters, it sounds very strange and it must have been awful for you. Hopefully it was one of those things that happen in the middle of the night, I'm not suggesting he was sleepwalking - but sometimes things that happen to us in the depths of sleep that seem so strange at the time have an innocent explanation (and don't feel so disturbing) in the light of day?
really hope you can talk about it with him tomorrow and it doesn't seem so bad. Try the "I had the strangest dream last night, did this actually happen?" line of inquiry maybe.
Oh dear that sounds so horrible for you
What's he like normally? Will you be able to talk to him about it tomorrow and explain what he did mass you feel scared, vulnerable, humiliated, and physically hurt.
People can be really rude/ nasty/ aggressive when they've been woken up, but it doesn't sound like he was woken up if he managed to come upstairs and into your room and then start being weird... Maybe he was sleepy but it ms not enough to blame it on sleep brain & dismiss it, he needs to understand that it was frightening and nasty.
Yanbu if that is what you asked, it sounds really odd to me, in similar scenario in our house, dh would probably try snuggling up to me, and persuade me to relinquish a bit of duvet, if none forthcoming, i suspect he would retreat to the spare room!
We also have spare blankets etc, but think if he knew i was in pain, he would be a lot kinder than your dp (think he should be kinder irrespective how much discomfort you are in?)
YANBU, and you didn't act badly. You were in pain, half asleep and vulnerable.
I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour at all, but to me it sounds like he was sleepwalking. If he's not done anything like that before and you've mentioned a few times it's how odd his behaviour was. Alcohol can affect sleep in very strange ways. Talk to him tomorrow and see what he remembers of it.
If he was fully conscious when he did it though, I agree that it's a big red flag and he need to know you will not be treated like that ever again.
I hope you're comfortable sand asleep now.
^ this ^ what soursweets said
That sounds awful. You say he hurt you (with the duvet) and made you feel vulnerable so don't feel bad for slapping him. You did it in self-defence. I can't believe someone would treat someone they love that way. The usual response, to seeing someone you care about sleeping soundly, is to cover them up and find yourself a different cover not take away their comfort.
I hope you managed to get back to sleep.
Agree with all the posters who have said YANBU, at all, not even remotely. Maybe he was sleep walking/talking, DH does it on occasion, and he's not the same person when he does, it can be quite scary. If it was sleep walking, and it was prompted by alcohol, then I suggest he needs to go tee total while sharing a house with a heavily pregnant woman, or tiny baby. If it wasn't sleep walking then he's a complete arsehole for behaving like that.
Please don't offer him the "excuse" of sleep walking when you speak to him though. If he was, he won't remember the incident. He'll probably only hazily remember anything that happened after he woke, so will possibily think that he tried to come to bed and you just shouted at him for no reason.
I hope you're feeling a bit better now, and that you've managed to get some sleep.
that sounds horrible!
I think you need to tell home exactly why you reacted the way you did. Basically, you need to tell him exactly as you did on your op.
I hope you got some sleep and I hope you get an apology from him
I hope you got some sleep in the end. YARBU at all. Did he carry on drinking when he got in? I hope hevis very apologetic today.
He wasn't being very nice to you, although I can understand he needed something to sleep under.
That said, it doesn't mean he can upset you & frighten you.
Perhaps tonight ask him to get another quilt down & put it on the bed & have one each. I know how important it is to comfortable as I too suffered with SPD.
I think it sounds like he wasn't fully aware of your situation and that he was simply trying to come to bed and couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to get any duvet. It wasn't pre-discussed that you would need an entire duvet was it?
YABU to have slapped him but that's all.
Make sure you have a special duvet/blanket for future nights so you can get comfortable without any hassle. I remember those painful nights well.
Not normal or acceptable behaviour from your P.
Can you imagine circumstances which would cause you to behave like that towards another human being, never mind someone you're meant to love? Most of us wouldn't do this ever.
It was weird and nasty.
I think I must be seeing this differently...OP I had SPD so I really feel for you in that when you get comfortable it's very annoying to be woken....but surely your partner was just coming to bed and getting some duvet...you were half asleep so couldn;'t explain that you'd like him to get another one....and leave you as you were. He may have thought that you were just asleep and complaining like people do in a vague sort of way when they are woken or disturbed.
What really strikes a nasty note is the way he was clearly hurting you and frightening you and just carried on regardless.
You stop doing something if it's hurting another human being. You don't frighten those who are physically vulnerable, esp. If you love them.
I can see why he might not understand why you need a duvet underneath you when he needed one to get under and get warm. I suspect the unreasonable behaviour from both of you was due to the late hour and being tired, and in your case pain and discomfort.
Apart from the assault (which is what we'd be calling it if the sexes were reversed) is this normal behaviour? Do you normally scream and shout at each other and snatch what you want?
OP I hope you feel better this morning, SPD is hell on earth.
His behaviour sounds odd and (from what you wrote) uncharacteristic (as does your aggression/slapping), so I hope you manage to discuss it this morning and get a better understanding of what happened and why.
Best of luck.
Yes I did manage to get some sleep,he left for work without saying anything.
The whole thing still feels really strange,I think I'd not believe myself unless this thread was here.
I don't even know what to say to him.
I can't stress enough that you did nothing wrong
Not true. And I don't say this to be unkind. But you physically assaulted him.
If this had been the other way around everyone would be screaming at you to LTB.
No matter how much pain you're in, unless you get physical in self defence then you're the perpetrator of domestic violence.
I'm not pointing this out to have a go. I'm just saying that you're in shaky territory here. If you can't control your temper enough not to hit then that is something you need to look at.
It sounds to me like a situation that just escalated with no real malice intended.
Unless you'd said you wanted the whole duvet, are you sure he wasn't just trying to get under it and was getting freaked out at your reaction?!
You say he doesn't understand how difficult it is to find a position to sleep in. He very probably doesn't! So he wouldn't know to leave you with the entire duvet.
I understand how painful it is. But I don't think anyone who hasn't suffered with it would understand.
I hope you both manage to sort things out.
Let me just say though, if he continues to be aggressive and with no reason to then that's definitely a red flag IMO.
Viva no,absolutely not,I think that's why it's all so confusing.
If we argue,normally I rant a bit (but I don't shout!)he looks at the floor,then he'll say his piece,we both leave the situation and think about what was said,we normally come to a resolution and 'make up' pretty soon after.
Ack - a lot going on here.
First of all - I think this started out innocently enough. He wanted his share of the duvet. That is reasonable. You refused to relinquish it, which is unreasonable. How was he supposed to know you expected and required the whole thing to yourself?
However...from that point on, it nosedives spectacularly doesn't it? He gets angry very quickly, and becomes intimidating and aggressive! This is not at all good! No wonder you are so shaken up!
Is this the first time he has behaved like this?
Yanbu is he usually such an arse?
Walter I absolutely know that,I don't know what came over me.
He was stood over me,holding both the duvet's,I was on the bed,half asleep,in pain and exposed,he was,by this point not yelling,but repeatedly questioning me and acting in a really strange way.
I was crying and shaking and asking him just to leave the room.
He wouldn't go. I tried to take back the duvet to cover myself up,he pulled at it so I couldn't take it,he used a lot of force and it scared me.
That's when I slapped him. I know I shouldn't have,I know I was wrong.
That's just it pictish it didnt feel innocent from the beginning,when I woke,he was stood over me,on 'my' side of the bed,not trying to gently pull the duvet towards him but yanking it out from under me completely and shouting.
That said,I understand why he was annoyed,if I'd been more awake I'd probably have let him have it.
Fwiw,we have had the conversation before,about the duvets,he knew why I had taken it all,and he new where the spare duvet was. He just doesn't particularly like the spare duvet.
What on earth do I say to him? I don't even know where to begin.
Yes...he has treated you very disrespectfully. It is worrying, I agree.
Has he behavd like this before?
He has never been aggressive,in fact he avoids confrontation as much as possible.
He has lied before which has shaken our relationship,but nothing like this.
He is normally very considerate and a perfectly nice guy.
I think it's absolutely crucial that you talk about this, no matter how difficult.
Oh, this sounds horrible and I would keep my eyes open from now on. As you say it didn't seem innocent from the beginning: you had told him you were in pain and have difficulty to fall asleep, he was aggressive, scary and didn't leave when you asked him to. As a PP said, abusive behaviour often starts during or just after pregnancy (there's posters in drs offices that say one in three casEs of DV, I think). The reason that often seemingly reasonable men change in that time is that before he was your undisputed nr 1 and didn't need to assert himself to get the attention/love he thinks he deserve, but when you have a baby he needs to share you and for some men that is very threatening.
His comment that he wanted to sleep in his bed makes me think even more that that might be what's going on. Please keep your eyes open and don't be tempted to deny how scared you were last night.
We have other DC,this isn't our first baby.
He's been grumpy during the other pg's,because he obviously has to do more,but he's been making an effort not to be this time.
I don't know how to start this conversation with him.i don't know what can be said.
I think you need to start by saying "look, what happened last night was totally unacceptable and really strange. Why didn't you just get the spare duvet?"
You could start the conversation by telling him how scared you were and listen to his reaction. I would avoid a discussion of what happened, because it could end up in an argument about who was doing what, while what you need to discuss why your loving relationship suddenly includes fear and aggression.
If he was sleepwalking, he won't know what the hell you're on about, if it was something more sinister you're Howing him from the offset you won't accept if.
He wasn't sleepwalking,he remembers. he's just text me saying 'sorry'.
it isn't enough.
Firstly, he fully deserved the slap the way he was acting aggressively.
It was self defence.
Then, you do need to talk about him about what happened. Could he have drunk?
If he excuses it in any way, you should put him at least on a final warning.
I do hope it was a sleep thing and it never happens again.
Oh, saw update.
It's not good, but at least he's apologising.
Make it clear that it can never happen again.
He'd definitely been drinking,he went to the pub with his friend.
Alcohol normally just makes him fall asleep though.
When he came into your room at 3 am to use the en suite, could he have used another bathroom/loo?
Does he have a quilt when he falls asleep downstairs?
So there's just one toilet?
I don't mean that in a bad way! Just that if there's just one, it's not normally in an en suite.
All i can think is that he might have taken drugs at the pub?
It's a weird old house
hence we could afford it there is one 'en suite' which is actually the family bathroom,and there's an outdoor toilet.
He has a blanket downstairs,several in fact,and a single duvet easily accessible in the cupboard in our room.
What on earth do I say to him? I don't even know where to begin.
You could start with apologising for slapping him if you haven't already. Then go from there.
Although I would never condone a slap from either sex, I have to admit when I first read this, I interpreted it as self defence. Also when you are in that much pain, you would have felt under attack even more.
I have had similar with my STBXH. When sleep is so scarce and precious and they wake you so inconsiderately, you feel at the end of your tether.
Not knowing you wanted the whole duvet and wanting to share it is no excuse for this. You're exhausted, very pregnant and in pain. He should have been pleased to see you finally sleeping and left you to it.
Hope you sort it out and get some rest soon x
I can only imagine what the outcry would be on here if the the story was the other way around and the OP's husband had slapped her, not vice verse...
Dress it up all you like, but the OP physically assaulted her DH. And all over what? A sodding duvet!
Firstly, he fully deserved the slap the way he was acting aggressively
You're going to have to explain that one to me because I'm reading an argument where one party hit the other.
Would you be saying it was self defence if the genders were reversed? Honestly?
Yes cider,I acknowledged it was unacceptable.
He was standing over me at the time holding both duvets and shouting at me,whilst I was exposed,in pain,half asleep very confused and frightened.
And yes,all over a sodding duvet.
All because I had been in pain all day.
All because it was 2 in the morning and I'd been trying to get comfortable e ough to sleep since 9pm.
All because I'd finally found a tiny bit of comfort.
And he decided I didn't deserve that,because he needed a particular duvet more.
So he came into the bedroom,ripped it from under me shouting at me whilst I was asleep.
And still I know I shouldn't have slapped him. I should have let him take the duvet and put up with the pain and fright.
Ciderbomb She did but he attacked her too. He may not have realised he was in the first instance, but anything after the first pull of the duvet was an attack. He might not have hit her directly, but it was underneath her, involved physical force and was causing her pain
The genders couldn't be reversed though could they?
I've never met a man who's 8 months pregnant with SPD before.
I was scared,he was aggressive and the strength with which he pulled the duvet away was shocking.
Cider - she is pregnant, was asleep, exhausted and in pain. She did not assualt him - no way. She acted in self-defence of someone who was confusing her, causing her pain and shouting at her. That is self-defence.
It is natural to hit back at someone who is inflicting pain on you.
Drugs? Sleep walking? What??!
Apart from wondering what he was doing until 2am...
He hurt you. He knew he was hurting you. He bullied and cornered you. He frightened and intimidated you. You were afraid for your safety and you acted in self defence.
You didn't do anything wrong. It's an abusive tactic to push and push a weaker person so they lash out and you can then put all the blame on them. At least some part of him knew that.
What's wrong with all these people excusing his behaviour? What he did could have caused a serious problem. That kind of injury with SPD can put you in a wheelchair. "Stop" means "stop".
My god imagine if it was the other way round and he slapped her for shouting. That would be dv and you would all be telling her to leave him etc. if you need the whole duvet and you know he doesn't like the spare one then why didn't you get the spare one out before bed especially if you knew he had fallen asleep and would most likely come to bed still half asleep. Quite frankly you sound really self centered and it should be you apologising never mind saying his isn't enough. Maybe he is fed up with the fact he can never get into his own bed at night.
An attack, really? I read it as man goes to bed, gets in, simply doesn't think and pulls the duvet off his sleeping partner who then has a go at him for it.
You can still be in pain and exhausted without being pregnant you know.
He didn't get into bed.
He came in the room,walked around to my side stood over me,shouting and ripping the duvet off the bed and out from under me.
The other duvet is a single and isn't big enough to go under my bump and in between my legs enough to support my hips.
He knows this.
He doesn't come to bed because he'd rather stay up downstairs watching TV.
He's always done this,it's not because I'm taking up all the bed.
Yes I know that Hell I have HMS and I'm often in pain.
A couple who have an argument that results in DV should get some counselling shouldn't they? It's quite an extreme situation.
Captain, of course it's an assault. The police would certainly consider it so if you were to report someone for doing it.
Did the OP tell her DH that he was hurting her? She doesn't mention that in her opening post? If not then how was he supposed to know.
There's obviously a lot we are not being told here, and yet some posters seem to be making the most ridiculous assumptions.
He was out of order
But have you tried one of those long maternity pillows/ cushions?
Ah yes I see the whole world revolves around women who cares about the husband. You assaulted your dh but that's ok as you are pregnant. Yes he wasn't in bed as he couldn't get under the covers and personally I hate not being covered. All you seem to be doing is making excuses maybe you should look at your own behaviour and maybe you may then understand his.
HellYeah, you should become a counsellor.
Was he clothed or ready for bed? Was he planning on taking it downstairs?
It wasn't a case of him being in bed and pulling, duvet-deprived. It was something more. Any idea what he watches all night long?
I wondered that (about his TV viewing habits) too.
Yes,I did,repeatedly tell him he was hurting me.
I asked him to stop.
I begged him to stop.
I asked him to just leave.
He would not.
He did not ask nicely,he didn't not try to get into bed,the door shut after I woke up so he must have come in and immediately started shouting.
There is no back story. There isn't anything I'm not telling. It was out of the blue and frightening.
I should not have lashed out. I am not excusing my behaviour. I simply do not understand why he became so angry so fast and why he continued to berate and hurt me,refuse to leave and scare the living shite out of me.
I would never do this to him. It was unprovoked act from him and I in turn acted irrationally,it was an irrational situation. Had I been properly awake I would not have handled the situation in the same way.
Just random shite.
I've been suspicious before but he often falls asleep and I go down to put a blanket on him or gently wake him to come to bed,it's always playing some comedy show or quiz type thing.
Him hurting you is also assault, OP
I'd want a bit of time apart from him, tbh. I wouldn't want him coming home like nothing's happened after he'd done that. A "sorry" doesn't quite do it.
I take it you're a man, HellYeah?
Right. Then he came upstairs with the intention of either a) depriving you of the duvet and taking it downstairs or b) having a go at you.
Either way, this is not OK. You really need to discuss in full what happened with him, as long as you feel able to do so.
I have never ever been violent to him,or anyone,before in my life
Hell I was ASLEEP. He came into my room and HURT me,PHYSICALLY and scared me.
I didn't just slap him out of nowhere for fucks sake. And I've said I shouldn't have,it was abhorrent of me,but I was FRIGHTENED.
Hey, don't worry about that goader. Ignore.
What are you going to do next. Surely you can't have a man in the house who you describe with the words, "berate and hurt me, refuse to leave and scare the living shite out of me"
No I'm not a man. But I hate this bullshit. Put it this way a man is asleep wrapped in covers- has hurt his leg at football. Wife comes in tired can't get into bed. Says fuck sake not this again. Goes round to pull covers man wakes up says fuck sake get the spare one then starts shouting to get out. Escalates into arguement both shouting then man slaps wife. Who assaults who? Well the man of course. You would all say unprovocted attack you were only trying to get into your own bed how is that unreasonable. Also if I'm scared I tend to want to leave ASAP I certainly don't assault someone if I'm terrified of them.
ItCantBe that poster seems to have a personal agenda that is not helpful here. Ignore.
Can you get away for a day or two over half term maybe? Spend some time with family? Your DH needs to understand he crossed a line and it is unacceptable. Ot sounds as though he has stored up some resentment over your poor health and sleeping arrangements which insteda of discussing rationally has burst out aggressively when he had been drinking. Once things have calmed down it needs discussing, but for now you need to feel safe and make the point that this must never ever ever happen again. It would be a deal breaker for me.
NO. I can't.
I don't want him to come home.
I have never,ever felt that way about him.
It's all so very odd.
I want to talk to him,but I'm not sure I can move past what happened.
His behaviour and my own frightened me,I don't want to be in a relationship where things like this happen.
I couldn't leave Hell I was in too much pain to get off the bed. That's why I asked him Repeatedly to leave instead.
And it wasn't the same situation you described.
He was not in bed or about to get into bed
I want to talk to him,but I'm not sure I can move past what happened.
How about asking him to move out for the week to give you both time to think about what happens next?
Personally I would want answers as to why he thinks he behaved like that. I get the impression that's not an urgent need for you right now.
Oh it is an urgent need! I want to know why more than anything.
I don't know when he'll be back from work though and the DC are here so I won't be able to get those answers until this evening.
Frustrating as it is.
Also if I'm scared I tend to want to leave ASAP I certainly don't assault someone if I'm terrified of them.
She has SPD, FFS. Leaving ASAP would be a slow, painful hobble at best. She's hardly going to be nippy, even wide awake.
OP, given he was awake, clothed, newly arrived into the room, and standing by your side of the bed - he must have done this deliberately. No idea why. But it was clearly deliberate and hence with forethought.
I think a one-off slap to stop him hurting you further was entirely justified.
If she was asleep how do you know he didn't plan to get into bed?
Do you have other kids? If yes then I'm sure they heard so maybe that should be your focus. Then make a plan. You obvious both can't sleep in the same bed at the minute to sort it out calmly before bed time then this won't happen when you both are tired, irritable and both frankly childish and unreasonable.
ItCantBe, you've already explained/ taken responsibility numerous times, if other posters don't want to read what you've said, just ignore them.
You said you aren't ready to see him yet - can you ask him to stay away tonight and see how you feel in the morning? It takes a while just to calm down, sometimes.
RTWT Hell and you'll see answers to all those questions.
You're making this worse you know.
If she was asleep how do you know he didn't plan to get into bed?
Because he was fully clothed and on her side of the bed
I could ask but he wouldn't go.
I would leave but I have no where to go.
Either we're together,or I'll be looking for a rental property. There's no middle ground because he won't leave temporarily and I can't.
I don't know what RTWT means.
Of course I'm not making you feel better as I'm not up in arms about how awful pulling covers is to get into his own bed. Not once have I seem you meantion the shouting and how the kids would feel which is what I would be most worried about not what tv program he was watching ffs.
I'm going to leave as obviously you don't want to be told anything other that how awful it was etc.
One last thing calm down before you make any rash decisions you can't easily unsay/do
Have you replied to his text? Maybe just to say, 'You really scared me' ?
ItCantBe - I am so sorry you are having to go through this, and then also having to listen to idiots here who have their own agenda.
Nobody should be put in the position of being scared of their own partner. That was unacceptable of him.
A heavily pregnant partner in a lot of pain, should be treated gently and with love.
In your situation, I would ring Women's Aid and get some advice from them.
The most common time for domestic violence to start, is when a woman is pregnant. He deliberately hurt and scared you. A loving partner would not do this.
Hell - Maybe the OP's partner should have taken that advice and thought before he deliberately hurt and scared his heavily pregnant partner?
I don't think this is about the ins and outs of whether somebody is entitled to a fair share of a duvet. (I am a notorious blanket snatcher. But the OP was treated in a rough and unkind manner and that just isn't acceptable.
Please just ignore hell, just stop responding. If a poster refuses to read what you have written in answer to them, you don't need to write it again. Focus on all the helpful responses. Everyone can see the man was not just trying to get some covers to get into bed.
He knew you were in pain, he sympathised that you could not get comfortable enough to sleep. Any person should be prepared to have a little inconvenience like a duvet that they do not like best to spare their ill partner some pain or suffering. Sleep deprivation is suffering.
He sounds like he has some serious issues with your condition and the consequences of it.
That should say everyone else can see. If he just wanted covers he would have gently tried to pull a bit out. Frankly I don't agree that he should even do that when there are spare covers. You are pregnant with your joint child, he should help with your suffering not hinder.
The DC where asleep a floor up and there are two doors a hallway and a stair case between us. We have a monitor on and they didn't wake up,believe me,they let you know if they're awake.
I have replied saying he hurt and frightened me.
He replied saying 'sorry-but'
I've asked him not to come back here. I doubt he'll listen though.
Sorry but - means he is not really sorry. He still thinks what he did was fine.
Hell, don't let the door hit you in the backside on the way out will you.
But he doesn't think what he did was wrong. This is a major red flag.
Is there somewhere he could stay? Does he have a friend or family he can stay with?
X-post - his "apology" is crap.
Unfortunately it's almost impossible to create the same sort of pain that you have in him - but you could try asking him how he'd feel if the front of his pelvis, just above his cock, had been smashed by a sledgehammer and then you came along and twisted his legs - he might start to get the picture then.
Can't believe he did this over wanting one particular duvet when you had others available, that is SUCH shit. What a twat.
'sorry but' nothing... I stick by what i said last night that he could easily have been kind and not hurt you. He made a choice to be actively nasty.
Yes He does. But I very much doubt he will. I have nowhere to go unfortunately or I'd probably already have left.
Why don't you ring your local Women's Aid and see if they can help?
That feels a bit extreme at the moment Grennie but I'll bear it in mind.
Many women think they can only ring Women's Aid if they are being battered for months. That is not true. Your situation is bad enough that you have said you would leave if you had somewhere to go. Women's Aid is there to help women like you. They may not be able to give you somewhere to live, but they will be able to give you professional advice.
Of course, everyone here will also help and support you as much as we can.
I had SPD first pg, it is agony. But even if you did not have SPD, you were asleep, he could have got a spare duvet and gone to bed, if you were wrapped in it. His response is unfathomable, unless, picking up on the comments about him having to do more, he is resenting this and you. But he was still able to go out drinkng while you, with spd, were looking after other dcs, so not a lot to complain about. He sounds selfish, and he persisted when hearing you in pain and when given a clear alternative.
You slapping him sounds defensive. Not an excuse, but that is what it sounds like.
I can see why you are upset. What 'but' did he offer after the sorry?
The more I read, ItCant, the more uncomfortable I am.
I didn't realise that he knew you needed the duvet to be comfortable. I also thought it had escalated but it seems that he came into the room to wake you/hurt you?
If that is the case, then Women's Aid is not extreme at all and may be a good place to seek advice on options. Knowledge is power afterall and it can't hurt to have the information.
I agree, too, that "sorry but" is really "I'm not sorry because".
I would get some advice from WA. I get sacroiliac problems (worse when I was pg) and in my non pg state one of the DC pulling down on my jacket was enough to cause a back spasm that nearly knocked me off my feet. He must have had a reasonable idea that yanking a duvet out from under a heavily pg woman with SPD would be very painful even if he didn't realise just how excruciating it was.
My immediate thought was he was too pissed to think straight and had the stubborn illogicality of someone who was drunk.
Chaz, but then he would have been mortified this morning and very apologetic
You need to hear all he has to say about what happened and then make a decision. It doesn't have to be today, but he should understand that his behaviour was totally unacceptable.
Personally, if he blames you for the slap in any way I'd be more inclined to leave.
If he was fully conscious about what he was doing, you should consider leaving too.
It's not a good sign that he is grumpier when you are pregnant and deals badly withe you when you are at your most vulnerable. It doesn't look good for when there are two children around.
Lweji there are already 2 children around.
He has said he was fully conscious and remembers everything. He is minimising what he did and claiming he did not shout. He is also adamant that he was 'calm' (what kind of calm person does that though?!) he doesn't seem to care that it hurt me,only that the other duvet isn't warm enough for him.
If he was truly calm, that is worse.
I agree that the more ItCantBe writes, the more the slap looks like self-defence. That's not the impression I got from the OP. I don't think it's necessary or helpful to judge who was more to blame though.
If I was a child, hearing screaming, shouting and a hit I'd go as quiet as a mouse. The monitor wouldn't hear me.
Also I'm a bit confused about when the conversations (such as the "sorry but" one) have occurred. When did he come home? Or have your rung him?
The thickness of the duvet is besides the point (you have blankets too, you said). He is selfish, he is putting his needs for the duvet above your need for lack of pain, when you have a medical condition. Even if he was calm (and I believe you that he was not), that is also besides the point, he should not have done it, and persisted in doing it.
Can he not just say sorry, it was inexcusable, i am really sorry? Why justify it?
Agree with Lweji, when you are 8 months pregnant with 2 children to look after, he should be caring for you, not off down the pub, coming back, yanking the duvet off when you are asleep and ignoring your requests not to, and then trying to justify it
Viva the DC did not hear,they would have either made themselves known last night,or they would have said something today.
Thank God for that ItCantBe I hit "post" and thought you were going to say this had been by text.
I accept what you're saying that the children didn't hear anything and therefore weren't scared.
I also had SPD when I was pregnant and used the whole duvet in the way you did. My husband would stay up watching TV and would use the spare quilt when he came to bed.
You using the whole duvet is in job way justification for him behaving like that.
I'm not buying this "if the roles were reversed" crap. No man has ever been in the physically and emotionally vulnerable position that pregnancy puts you in.
What exactly is he saying when he says "sorry but" but what?
No man has ever been in the physically and emotionally vulnerable position that pregnancy puts you in
Interesting point, but how could you know that?
Itcantbe I'm just recovering from horrendous SPD, and what you describe would have been agonising. If you haven't had it then it's difficult to understand how excruciating it is and how utterly vulnerable and immobilised you are whilst in that pain.
If dh had pulled at my leg and hip support in the way you describe I would consider it assault. I would have done anything to get him away and to lessen that pain.
It's not a twinge, it's agonising.
I'm so sorry you've been through this.
If dh had a broken leg and needed it supported in bed, and I came upstairs after he was asleep and yanked the support away because I wanted it, twisting his leg in the process, and whilst he screamed in pain and begged me to stop I carried on and kept asking him why he was behaving in this way, well... I would be an abusive arse.
If I had forgotten about dh's injury, yanked at the duvet and then apologised profusely when I caused pain and helped resettle him. I would have been a normal person who had made a mistake.
The latter is not the case and I would want to know why.
No man has ever been in the physically and emotionally vulnerable position that pregnancy puts you in
You cannot possibly know that and I would ask anyone posting here not to be so dismissive of the very real domestic abuse that men can and do suffer, though I do not think that this is the case here.
If you have never been pregnant, you don't have a clue what you are talking about. There is a reason that the most common time for a man to start abusing his female partner, is when she is pregnant.
Sorry, didn't realise it was a 3rd pregnancy.
Honestly it sounds bad, really bad.
I know you feel stuck, but given his reaction, I'd be looking at legal advice.
WA if he is anyway threatening again, or in anyway abusive.
Even if you are not comfortable leaving now, he must realise you are serious about not putting up with this behaviour and will leave if he crosses the line.
My son sleeps through everything, so it's possible the children didn't actually wake up.
Grennie, was that to me? Because I have three dc!
I agree with Walter than men can be abused and can find themselves in very vulnerable situations.
In this case, the slap was a last resort by a heavily pregnant woman, in pain, to stop someone causing her even more pain. Self defence for me. And he actually deserved a knee to the groin.
If he had actually gone into bed, asked politely for the duvet or had tried gently to take it out and she slapped him, I'd be the first to say the OP was unreasonable.
I've read the OP's posts as her partner knew she was in pain, asleep and needed support from the duvet, so when he came in and aggressively took it off her despite having other options, it was a choice he made.
He chose to be aggressive, shout, gaslight, cause pain, frighten and hurt his pregnant partner.
I read the slap as self-defence under these conditions.
It was a cruel thing to do. I wonder if he did it as some sort of revenge over the fact he has to do more at the moment, some sort of subconscious 'well I might have to do x, y, z but I'll show her she can't just take over our bed'. Conjecture, obviously.
I'm sorry OP. I don't think he's going to apologise in the way he should. I'd be scared of it happening again.
This is most certainly a nasty situation and OP I really feel for you. I have to ask if he does his bit with your dc? When this dc is born, will he take turns at night or will he expect you to do it all? As far as I can read, he seems completely unconcerned about your need for sleep and the pain he has caused, he should be sorry, without any 'Buts'.
Walter I am not dismissing DV suffered by men, of course it happens and it is just as awful as when it happens to a woman. I'm talking though, about this very particular situation. No man has been pregnant, has had SPD and has been left vulnerable because of this. My post was in response to other posters saying "this wouldn't be acceptable if it was a man in her position"
OP, what was the argument about earlier - the one BEFORE he went out drinking with his mates? Is it something he may have been brewing about?getting angry about, because from where I am standing this looks like a deliberate assault designed to punish or get even.
You say he knew about the pain and the difficulty in sleeping/getting comfortable, and he wished you luck in that - so its not as if he were unaware of the pain/difficulties, and so he was aware you were trying to find a comfortable position. When he came and saw you asleep one would imagine (especially given that you say he was fully clothed and on your side of the bed) that he wasnt about to get into bed, and could see that you had found a position which was comfortable.
You say that he often sleeps downstairs with the duvets/blankets, so its not as if the extra duvet/blankets is unusual.
I dont think this has ANYTHING to do with him wanting to go to sleep.
OP please please ignore people who are trying to make you feel guilty. It is unfair of them to do so in the circumstances and ignores your very real fear in the circumstances you described in your OP.
You know how you feel about this which is why you posted on here.
Grennie is correct - it's distressingly common for men to start abusing their partners in pregnancy.
He should be sorry, with no excuses.
OP please please ignore people who are trying to make you feel guilty. It is unfair of them to do so in the circumstances and ignores your very real fear in the circumstances you described in your OP
I've seen that from one poster on this thread not "people".
Sour I do understand what you are saying but the gender reversal is still relevant to the slap. A man could be in equal but different pain.
OP recognises what she's done and it is out of character but the reason I mention that it is unacceptable is for her benefit too.
If she's not abusive (and I don't believe she is) then a relationship where she crosses this line is unhealthy and that's before even beginning to discuss his abusive behaviour.
Hope that makes sense!
Yes, and I didn't wish to name names because I wanted to convey support for the OP, not score points of other posters
It does sound very weird but maybe you would have normally just moved to let him share the duvet? Sounds like he really didn't understand that amount of pain and that the duvet was as it was to help your pain rather than just how it fell as you slept, and you were woken in shock so lashed out as well. Sounds like a complete misunderstanding on both sides of two very tired people.
I do not think you are mad at all and although he was unreasonable from your account, maybe,just maybe, he had been trying gently before you woke shouting at him? Hope you get the rest you needxx
just noticed I post after only reading half the thread Sorry. Please ignore above[E]mbarrassed
The slap was not DV in my reading of it. OP was being hurt by her husband, he was behaving aggressively, he wouldn't leave her alone, she is pregnant and very vulnerable. She slapped him in self defence to make him stop hurting her.
Sorry this happened to you OP. you are not being unreasonable.
Itcantbe how are things this evening? Have you managed to sort things out? I hope you are feeling supported by the vast majority on here and feel able to tune out those that only wish to push buttons
"If dh had a broken leg and needed it supported in bed, and I came upstairs after he was asleep and yanked the support away because I wanted it, twisting his leg in the process, and whilst he screamed in pain and begged me to stop I carried on and kept asking him why he was behaving in this way, well... I would be an abusive arse."
OP, what a shitty thing to have happen, I'm sorry.
Can you not ask him, since you're emailing, what on earth he was thinking? There's just no reason in the world to act like that. And "sorry-but" is not a very complete explanation, and he does in fact owe you one.
It seems like he doesn't think he should have to explain, but you can just say look, you can't expect me not to want to know wtf. was up with you, you scared the shit out of me and you hurt me; you have to explain what your problem was, otherwise how do I know you aren't just going to randomly turn into a scary asshole whenever the sun goes down?
I think your husband abused you OP. Absolutely rotten thing to do to a PG woman in pain and sleeping and he knew it.
It is b common for domestic violence to start at PG as many wise posters here have pointed out.
I read it as he is inwardly very hateful and resentful toward you maybe because of baby on the way and after a few drinks he wanted to punish you in a way that he could "explain away" . I am being brutally honest here and I'm sorry if that reads as harsh but there was absolutely no need for him to do that to you, it was a conscious, calm choice to disturb and unsettle and abide you.
Please keep on red alert from now on. I am worried for you.
Unsettle and abuse you - sorry silly phone.
Yes, walter, if the OP had to stop something with a slap otherwise she'd be in too much pain, it's a crucial line crossed.
Any attack that results in the need for physical self defence should be considered serious, as in this case.
It's not that it's ok, it was self defence, so all is fine. It's more don't beat yourself about the slap, it was self defence and don't let him turn it around onto you, concentrate on how much of a bastard your OH was.
Jesus. You reacted out of fear and self defense. Why would anyone try and tug a duvet away from under a sleeping 8-months pregnant woman?! And then continue to do so when she's clearly distressed?? Never mind being that woman's partner, in full knowledge of the amount of pain she's in.
Surely the default position in a relationship (completely aside from the fact that one partner is in pain / in a more vulnerable situation than the other), should be to approach the other person with kindness. He clearly didn't do this.
I don't feel qualified to advise on what to do, but didn't want to read and run.
I don't think anyone has picked up on the fact that you have HMS, (Hypermobility syndrome) a preexisting condition and one that will be making the SPD dramatically worse, as you'll already have lax ligaments and unstable joints
How much does HMS effect you normally? Does your Dh know and understand the condition? Is he used to you being poorly normally, and having to help you/ make allowances and adjustments?
If so, this makes his behaviour doubly shocking, as there is no excuse for him 'not understanding' that he would be causing you pain by twisting and pulling at you.
Can you ask him to sit down with you and have a proper grown up conversation with you about what happened and why it must never happen again? I'm struggling to think of a way to get him to engage with you, as he must in order to sort this out and put it behind you. By trying to belittle/ blame you and the 'sorry but' stuff... I'm a bit worried for you.
I think he was being a petulant child who decided he wanted to have his own way and sod the fact the he was hurting and scaring the person he's supposed to love most in the process. It got out of control as you didn't just give in and capitulate but got scared and freaked out and in pain. Yes, you slapped him, but that's a reaction to the main event. If he was going to be an adult about this, you both need to say sorry for it escalating and he needs to change his priorities. It's not ok to hurt and scare your partner in pursuit if your own comfort/desires. It's just not. At all.
Btw, please don't feel you have to defend yourself against 'some of the stuff' on here, I think it's clear what's happening on the thread and you don't need to add that to the list of things to worry about. Just concentrate on the posts that feel relevant and useful to you.
Hope you're ok op. I agree, ignore the waltermitty character and that earlier one, both of whom clearly have their own agendas and can't see how inappropriate it is to air them here. (Sheesh I wish some people could control themselves)
Hope you get some sleep tonight and that he's not around. Xxx
So,after the DC went to bed we had a long conversation.
I told him how he'd made me feel,how much pain he'd put me in and asked him Wtf he thought he was doing
He was mortified that he had hurt me,he hadn't realised how much pain I'd been in,he's used to my joints aching from HMS and I think he thought SPD couldn't be much worse that that iyswim. He knows differently now!
He has apparently taken the duvet this way a few times before,the only difference being,this time I was in a lot more pain than usual,and acted very differently,I normally give it up after a tug apparently.
So when I woke and panicked,he panicked.
Instead of relinquishing it and letting me sleep,he held on to it and he doesn't know why he does,however,take full responsibility for the whole sodding drama that followed.
He hadn't considered getting the other blankets to make the spare duvet warm enough,and wanted to take the big duvet from me and replace it with the smaller one for between my legs,so we could both then be covered by the big one,he hadn't realised how much the taking of the duvet would hurt me,and that the smaller one wouldn't be enough support.
I apologised for the slap,and he said not to,he says it was a perfectly reasonable reaction considering the pain he'd put me in.
He admits to being an idiot,and I repeated that the fact the whole thing escalated as it did makes it very dysfunctional and that I wasn't sure we could move past it.
He was obviously distraught by this.I asked him to give me some time to think and he has agreed.
Thankyou to everyone who has offered advice and support,I really appreciate it.
ignore the waltermitty character and that earlier one
Don't you dare compare me to a goady or unsupportive poster. I'm constantly offering advice on these threads and always have the stance that safety from abusers is paramount.
My only "agenda" is offering advice to the best of my ability and part of that is helping posters see when a line has been crossed by everyone in the situation.
Get back in box and actually read my fucking posts.
Well done you for having the conversation. Do you feel better about everything now?
walter. I suggest you read your first post. It's completely contrary to what you now are alleging you said
I am glad you managed to have a reasonable conversation about this
Newt read my subsequent posts where I explained to the OP that I didn't realise the extent of the incident/situation and subsequently offered my opinion on the facts.
ICant how do you feel now that you've had your talk? Are you happy with his explanation?
Loopa thank you
Yes, I am a prat, I missed that one. And only a 4-page thread. Aaargh. Sorry.
So glad it seems as if he wasn't being deliberate in his aggression. If hes done it before and you have let go then you can understand why he couldn't understand your reaction.
I can't imaging what its like to be in your situation with 2 dcs and heavily pregnant in so much pain, but as it is so out of character I hope you can move on and forgive and forget?xxxxx
Newt thank you I appreciate that
How are you feeling about it all now?
Do you still think it might be a good idea if you both went to counselling.
Regardless of the explanations and apologies this incident still culminated in violence . It is not normal and who is say there might not be another 'misunderstanding' in the future where you both lose it.
Isn't it best to address this with as much help as possible?
Well I am glad that you have had a decent conversation about it and he is now properly sorry and realises what an utter dick he was. I hope that you can move past it together.
He might also want to cut back on the drinking, especially now you're 36w pg, no telling when you might go into labour and he doesn't want to be drunk when you do! Perhaps, and it's only a suggestion, you could use this as a sign of "good faith" - ask him to stop getting drunk and explain why, see where that leads you.
I am so glad you've had that proper adult conversation that this situation needed - well done you and well done your dh!
Did you talk about ways to avoid this happening again? As the more preg you get the more pain you're going to be in and the more he ll need to think before acting...
Spd pain plus HMS is a ruddy nightmare, and I'm glad you've got through to him how much it hurts! You could actually hear my pubic bone scraping together as I rolled over which helped with the understanding quite a bit - does yours click or grind? Can he feel/hear it? Or can you get a physio/ doctor to show him what happens on one of those plastic models of bones & ligaments?
Btw are you having antenatal physio for the spd? And do you have anything arranged for after the birth? My hospital kept popping my sacrum back in place which helped for a few hours at least, and after the birth they ran a physio rehab course which was maybe helpful (not to me as got dramatically worse and wasn't diagnosed until well after the course, but to others it seemed really good). Also are you wearing a belt to stabilise your hips?
Jesus, you poor thing
I had very mild SPD with my second and if I had had a duvet wrapped around my legs like that and someone had tried to yank it out by force it would have been AGONY.
And it absolutely 100% would have constituted an assault by the person using force to harm me while I was vulnerable.
Fucking keyboard warriors who think women who defend themselves are abusers give the RAGE.
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