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Married life

(37 Posts)
Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 13:45:27

I've name changed for this. I mainly lurk reading threads and this has made me really think about my relationship with DH and our intimacy. We very rarely have sex because of me, the truth is I can never summon up the energy to do it. We have 2 young DCs 4 & 6 and both work full time, I'm always knackered and feel very claustrophobic. I can tell when DH wants to have sex as he starts to be more touchy ie cuddle me but I get annoyed because I know it's because he wants sex rather than just hugs. When I'm trying to get ready in the morning for work if he sees me naked or in underwear he grabs me which irritates me cos we're in a rush and I have to push him away.

This is terrible of me isn't it? Do people really have sex loads? Is there something wrong with me? sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 13:51:35

It's not terrible of you. You have to be very straight with him and tell him that, whilst you love him and like being intimate, it's a BIG turn-off that you only gets hugs if he want sex and it is not nice to be groped either. What would get you more in the mood ... and this is the key part ... would be if you were a lot less tired and if there was a bit more romance. Set him the challenge how you (plural) can achieve both... clue... sharing household chores more equally, you having more time out to relax, making more effort to do special things as a couple without the DCs, affectionate behaviour without the expectation of sex etc.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:00:50

Thanks Cogito sounds like good advice. We're out tonight without DCs and whilst I'm looking forward to it I'm also dreading that he will 'expect' sex and that kind of spoils it.

Jan45 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:00:58

If you are always knackered then he needs to help you more with the house and kids, then maybe you'll be more likely to be up for it. I know I couldn't be in a sexless relationship but if I was exhausted all the time then maybe I would be like you.

He's not choosing a good time to grab and grope you is he - can't you get an evening without the kids where you can both focus on each other?

Not having sex with your partner is not good and the longer the lack of it goes on the worst it will feel.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:05:29

Thanks Jan45 as I thought but he believes he does loads and he does do stuff.

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 14:16:59

When I'm trying to get ready in the morning for work if he sees me naked or in underwear he grabs me which irritates me cos we're in a rush and I have to push him away.

This reminds me of exH. Not good. sad
I think it's a form of control, and of abuse, actually.
It is as if they know they are unwelcome and they'll get pushed away, but they do it anyway.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:24:18

Blimey Lweji really? Why would someone do that? I dread him seeing me naked and find it stressful eg if he's in bed when I'm getting ready I'll try and get dressed somewhere else to avoid the grab!

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 14:27:31

He would also only come any close if he wanted sex.
He'd often grab me sexually when we cuddled, even if I asked him not to, and even when DS came into bed with us.

His pestering led me to lose all sexual interest in him.

Are you sure it is your problem and that you are knackered?

Andy1964 Fri 25-Oct-13 14:36:08

Hang on hang on!
There is nothing wrong with finding your naked/semi naked wife attractive and want to have a quick squeeze in the morning while getting ready for work.
Often my DW will pull me back into bed as im on my way out for a kiss and a cuddle. It makes me late but hey, id rather a kiss and cuddle with my DW before i go to work than be on time to be honest!
It's not wrong! what would u have him do? Ignore you?

I feel the issue here is having the time to properly be together without interruptions and without being tired.
You have two young DC and it will be difficult to find that time to be private when you are both less tired.
Change things up a bit so you can both get some well deserved R&R, we all know it's hard work bringing up children and thats without having to work full time.
Early nights, weekend lay ins (take it in turns) or go back to bed at the weekend after the kids are sorted.
Never pass up an opportunity to have a rest when and where you can.

When you are both feeling less tired then you will both be more ready and able for some bedtime fun.

The bad may have a few more years of this till the children are a bit more independant.

REST! both of you, first and foremost 'cos it won't work if your both knackered.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:37:52

I don't know whether it really is me but would assume so as I am the one avoiding it. Interestingly though, I do find him quite claustrophobic as he is very 'involved' in our life but surely he should be confused. He'll text saying things like 'kids need a bath tonight'. If I want to nip down the road to post a letter he will say something like 'don't do it now I'll do it tomorrow/later'. Not sure if this is relevant, just thought I would mention it

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 14:38:31

"There is nothing wrong with finding your naked/semi naked wife attractive "

Big difference between finding attractive and pawing/groping when it's clearly not wanted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 14:39:29

He texts about baths? Is it involvement or do you feel obliged to obey?

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:39:53

Thanks Andy

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 14:47:51

Cogito def feel obliged to obey but then again I'm like that. However, I think that's the problem - I'm annoyed with him in a passive aggressive way and can't get out of it.

Andy we do have sleep ins at the weekends but I'm still knackered maybe I'm just not very energetic?

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 14:49:57

See, the difference is going for a kiss and a cuddle vs going for a grab (only) - and ignoring you the rest of the time - or just grabbing.
Worlds apart.

I love getting a kiss or a hug even if I'm on a hurry. Not being gropped and having to struggle to let go, IYSWIM. Particularly when I have said many times I don't like it...

I also find his text about baths, and the way he phrases about you going to the post office, on the controlling side.

Vivacia Fri 25-Oct-13 14:57:56

I don't think there's any need to jump to LTB conclusions (not that anyone is). Firstly I think you need to tell him that his touching you sexually when it is uninvited is to stop. Secondly I think you need to think about building the intimacy in your relationship - his support in giving you time to relax and recharge your batteries and a moratorium on sex so that physical contact is loving and without the worry of leading to sex.

Newshinyme Fri 25-Oct-13 15:00:14

That makes sense to me Vivacia I shall do that. Off to do the school run smile

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:03:45

I agree with Vivacia in that you should perhaps be more assertive about what you like and what you don't, including about his comments, and "disobey" sometimes or disagree.
Then see what his reaction is.

Nottalotta Fri 25-Oct-13 15:11:00

But with regard to tonight - i would see a night out as a good natural lead up to sex with my husband. You spend time together, you're relaxed, you might have a glass of wine.......and so on. Why are you dreading sex? surely thats an issue you need to be thinking about? We don't have as much as we'd like, and don't have dc yet so i totally understand the tiredness time aspect (as in it applies to us now without dc so must be more so for those with dc) but i still want to have sex and if dh made a grab for me i'd be more than hapy!

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:14:06

When you do have sex, how is it?

I think it is really stretching the definition of 'abuse' to include a husband trying to grope his wife when she's in her underwear. My partner generally makes appreciative comments or touches me when I'm half-naked, I'd be a bit offended if he didn't.

To be honest OP, a couple of posters have said "tell your husband that you still love being intimate and having sex with him..." but I'm not seeing anything in your posts that suggests this is the case.

Do you still want him physically at all? Do you want sex at all? Do you masturbate, or feel inclined to?

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:22:37

It's all the context, and how it's done, hearts.

I know that Lweji but I don't think there's much if anything in the OP which suggests it's aggressive, threatening or hostile, do you?

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:24:18

When I'm trying to get ready in the morning for work if he sees me naked or in underwear he grabs me which irritates me cos we're in a rush and I have to push him away.

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:27:33

If you notice your partner is irritated by your groping while you are rushing around, and you are pushed away because of that, do you still keep doing it?

I'm not talking of making a move in a moment of intimacy, or trying to get your partner in the mood, or even appreciating your partner. It's obviously not the intention in this case.

It's not making appreciative comments to make the partner feel better about herself.

It's undesired groping.

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 15:28:29

And abuse doesn't have to be aggressive, threatening or hostile.

Sounds insensitive and annoying rather than abusive to me, but tbh it's hard to know.

I just question e.g. Cogito saying "You have to be very straight with him and tell him that, whilst you love him and like being intimate, it's a BIG turn-off that you only gets hugs if he want sex and it is not nice to be groped either" when actually it doesn't sound like OP does love him or want to be intimate with him at all.

"I can tell when DH wants to have sex as he starts to be more touchy ie cuddle me but I get annoyed because I know it's because he wants sex rather than just hugs."

That's not in the context of unwelcome groping while trying to get ready for work, OP is saying that ANY moves on his part are annoying to her.

cantthinkofagoodone Fri 25-Oct-13 16:20:11

I'm in a similar boat. I have to make sure we both go to bed really early.

Before kids I was a morning person but now we're always woken up by DC rather then on our own so the good stuff on weekend mornings is but a memory for the timebeing. Sigh...

Lweji Fri 25-Oct-13 16:25:37

Hearts, you can also reverse it, that she doesn't want sex because he is insensitive and annoying and possibly abusive.

Yes, quite probably it does go both ways. I'm not talking about right and wrong, just think people are barking up the wrong tree when they assume this is essentially a loving intimate relationship with slightly mismatched sex drives.

SancerreMerlot Fri 25-Oct-13 16:42:53

Hi newshinyme, I can really relate to your situation as I experienced the same issues with my husband who I have been married to for a long time. Busy with full time work and kids, I felt like you. The only thing that has worked for us really well (and it may not for you) was to schedule sex. Same time every week or fortnight (you choose). That way no worrying on your side about every cuddle being an attempt to get you into bed and on his side, my husband was tired of being rebuffed all the time and he was feeling shit about himself too. So we did one night a week, same night every week and the pressure was lifted. We don't always have sex but we do have to hit the sack and get naked, even if only to chat for an hour. We put the kids down and go straight to our bedroom (skip dinner, get take away afterwards!) and because we haven't really snogged, talked all week apart from parent, day to day household stuff, it's lovely to lie down and snog, chat etc. Anyway it worked for us and although it was a bit weird to schedule it a first and it felt really unromantic, having done it for such a long time now, it is one of the best nights of the week. May not work for you but maybe something similar so you don't get stressed trying to get ready for work, which used to annoy the hell out of me. x

bubalou Fri 25-Oct-13 17:57:54

Don't be too upset - he wants to have sex with you. It sounds like he adores you and can't help himself.

Try not to see it as such a turn off. If you aren't in the mood then you can't be expected to just switch it on but don't start getting caught in a cycle of getting upset and irritated or the gap between times will just get bigger.


Meerka Fri 25-Oct-13 18:26:38

old phrase "men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex" came to mind.

Being exhausted and groped unwelcomely (is that a new word?!) would make anyone want to recoil from intimacy.

Maybe sit down and lay out out in plain speaking. And ask for more help in the house. State exactly the practical things you need help with, giving specifics will give him something concrete to get to grips with. Though its sadly notorious how people sometimes make an effort for only 3 days then relapse. But you never know, he may listen.

Maybe you are feeling annoyed with him about this and maybe about texting a lot and that kind of thing is meaning you don't feel very close or intimate at the moment and so obviously you don't want sex. I think you need to open up to him a bit about how you are feeling and encourage him to talk to you too and hopefully restore some of the intimacy.

GiveMeSomeSpace Sat 26-Oct-13 20:50:38

I too think that you should be happy that your husband still finds you attractive and wants you.

My opinion is that if a pair of adults can't talk about these important things openly, come to a compromise that works for both and make an effort for each other, they should be honest with each other and go their separate ways. He wants to be wanted and he will be wanted but someone else. Similarly, it may be that he isn't right for you. You should ask yourself if that's the case. It may be that you need to find someone else that is RIGHT FOR YOU.

There is little point in continuing to hurt each other repeatedly and end up losing a friendship in addition to the intimacy that has been lost. Be true to yourselves and each other and let him go if you can't be.

I hope it all works out for you both and you can work it out together rather than apart.

Isetan Sun 27-Oct-13 10:21:35

Is the constant pawing the turn off or is it the person doing the pawing?

I hated the constant groping because I didn't want to be intimate with someone who didn't respect me and treated me like an unpaid babysitter who had to be sexually available at all times. I didn't realise it at the time and couldn't understand why I couldn't bare him touching me. So for me, the arse grabber was the problem, the arse grabbing was just another frustrating instance where he prioritised himself over me.

There appears to be a lot not being said within your relationship, not just to each other but to yourself as well. I would definitely seek marriage guidance, the current situation will only deteriorate if left unchallenged.

If you still want to be married to this man then you must speak up.

Dahlen Sun 27-Oct-13 10:31:07

I think the OP is bang on about her assessment of the situation. The underlying resentment is at the root of the problem here. That's what needs addressing. IF that goes, she'll be in a position to see if her DH's advances are going to lead to lots more passionate sex because she likes them or if she genuinely finds him a turn off because he treats her like a piece of meat.

OP, I really cannot recommend this book enough. It will help you understand why you feel so angry about your domestic division of labour and 'helpful' texts like "the DC need a bath tonight". It will also help you explain that to your DH in a way he can understand, which will hopefully lead to changes in your relationship that leave you both feeling much more balanced, respected and emotionally intimate. From that, hopefully better sex will result. Although if he's an entitled arse about it, you may just end up kicking him into touch. Either way will be a resolution of sorts.

Good luck.

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