Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not sure I can take this anymore

(260 Posts)
Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 09:39:29

A bit of background,our relationship of 20 years has had its ups and downs, ( I could write and essay) we get on sometimes it not all bad, but he is terrible with money and our sex life is crap, in my mind and any normal person would think these factors are pretty important aspects of a relationship. Anyhow so DP and I got into a discussion last night after a couple of drinks, I told him I am very unhappy with the financial set up, he works 6 days a week but never has a any money and we really need to do something about a sex life. The trouble is he is impotent and has promised to try and get help, he has been to the GP but nothing ever came of it. I have stopped asking him to do anything about it as I feel he must want to do it for us ( well I did bring it up last night but he asked me what I was feeling) I have never made him feel bad about his problem, I really know it is pretty devastating for a man.

Last night we were initially talking calmly and he asked me if he managed to sort it out would I want sex with him, to which I replied of course I would but in the next breath he is laying all the blame on me and saying he is not impotent. and cannot have sex because I am "hard nosed bitch". I left him to his drink and went to bed, when he gets drunk he will say the most vile things and I just don't want to listen to it. The lack of sex over the past few years and really ground me down, my confidence is rock bottom. As I said in the beginning I am not sure I can take anymore, not sure what I am asking really just need to vent. He has so many issues but as a grown man surely these for him to fix.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 09:57:58

The thing to work out (which I can't from what you've written) is whether he can't or won't change aspects of himself to make the relationship work. It's his motivation and attitude that is important if you're wondering whether this is worth tolerating or not. For example, yes impotence is pretty depressing for a man but that is no excuse to get drunk & lash out the way you describe. If he's in the habit of saying vile things when drunk then he shouldn't drink if he wants a happy relationship with you. The fact that you don't seem to know where the money he earns goes suggests that you don't have full access to his income/outgoings but that you are kept (deliberately or accidentally) in the dark. That's never a good sign

What bothers me most is that your confidence is low and you feel ground down. That won't be just because of the sexual rejection, even though that is a pretty tough thing to take. Those feelings are usually because there is some bullying behaviour going on at the same time.

I think you're worried that 'no sex' is too shallow a reason to leave someone. It's not as it happens, but I think there's more going wrong here than just sex.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Oct-13 10:06:12

Six days a week working and yet no money, where does it go? Is that linked to his impotency? Do you know for sure he went to his GP, if so how recently?

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 10:25:55

Well re money, my point exactly, he is self employed and and is snowed under with work, I went to his workshop the other day and it was full and I mean full to the gunnels of lovely stuff he has bought to sell, Trouble is he would not be able to do this if I did not pay virtually everything for our family. I reckon he has about 30K worth of stock but the point is this is a sideline to his business. Re Sex, yes believe he went to GP and had full check over and found nothing physical and GP suggested Sex therapy to him which of course "he does not need as nothing wrong with him" Yes my confidence is on the floor, I used to think I was an attractive woman, I feel old and invisible now. He claims he "knows" he is not impotent, so what the fuck does that mean.

peggyundercrackers Fri 25-Oct-13 10:28:49

sounds like he is lashing out because he is angry about the situation. hes trying to push his problem onto you so he doesnt deal with it. Not really what he should be doing...

as for the money thing - i dont think its that unusual for people not to have lots of spare money no matter how much they work. you havent given any details of income/outgoings so its hard to say if he is doing anything else with it. does he gamble? is in debt? is it causing him stress which is affecting him?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 10:30:14

The whole thing sounds rather selfish and inconsiderate and I think his attitude to the sexual problem is merely symptomatic of a wider attitude of taking you for granted, taking your money for granted and doing his own sweet thing. I'm appalled that you are paying for everything while he indulges what sounds more like an expensive hobby than a business.

Dahlen Fri 25-Oct-13 10:34:07

Personally I think your problems go way beyond impotence. He calls you a hard-nosed bitch, claims his impotence is yourfault, contributes no money to the running of the home and has, on enough occasions to constitute a pattern, said vile things to you while drunk to the point where your confidence is now at an all time low.

He may not be hitting you Blossom but he's an abuser. sad

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 10:37:49

cog as always exactement. He is absolutlyl hopeless with money. As soon as gets cash I swear it burns a whole in his pocket, He is very generous though, for example he bought me an expensive pair of boots and a lovely piece of pottery I would like to collect. Also DS got an electric guitar this week ( second hand but still) which is all lovely but then when I mention it would nice if he contributed he will throws it in my face and say well look what I have bought you, err not the point really.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Oct-13 10:37:51

Well if it's not drugs or excess drink that's affecting his performance that's a relief. It hardly helps though if he's in denial. Is he on medication?

If you are already paying bills it wouldn't be a huge financial leap to live apart ftom him. He is almost enabled to spend what he wants where he likes if you are keeping the family afloat. Are you sure there aren't hidden debts? A hard nosed bitch isn't sweet talk from an appreciative partner.

I get the sense that he pretty well does as he pleases and you're expected to lump it. Small thanks after 20 years sad

Tell us something nice he's done for you recently.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 25-Oct-13 10:39:51

I x posted but didn't mean in a spending money on gifts sense so apart from boots, pottery...?

Dahlen Fri 25-Oct-13 10:40:57

Presenting people with expensive, unsolicited gifts in lieu of making an ongoing reasonable contribution to daily living costs is actually manipulation of the highest order, not generosity - precisely because it allows him to cast you in the role of ungrateful person needing to sop his hurt feelings while his expensive gifts still total way less than what he should be contributing towards upkeep.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 10:44:14

Guitars and boots not quite the same as tipping up for a mortgage or a gas bill regularly. hmm I would seriously want to go through his books, see what drawings he's taking for his own use and getting him to commit to a regular contribution. I say that for a few reasons.. one is that it's the right thing to do when you're part of a household to contribute.. another is that I think it would be a confidence-boost to you to crack the whip.... the other is that, if you were thinking of parting ways, you'd have a much better idea about his circumstances when it came to divvying up the assets.

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 11:22:19

The only assets he has are in his workshop. Mortgage in my name. We came to an agreement earlier in the year that he would pay X per week which were both happy with and he did keep it up for a while but since the summer he has stopped paying. I am not keeping a log and her owes me thousands. ( car purchase, insurance etc) It clear now where most of his money is going, after visit to workshop.
donkey yes on meds AD's but I actually thinks he may be bi polar, sometimes he gets a strange look on his face and suddenly turns nasty . Could explain the manic spends recently

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 11:23:08

I mean I am keeping a log duh!

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 25-Oct-13 11:35:09

Strange looks and nasty behaviour not necessarily indicative of bi-polar. If the mortgage is in your name, is the house also solely yours? And do you keep a record of all these big ticket purchases? That 'hard nosed bitch' remark makes me think he's happy to take your money but resents you for having it (good job?) at the same time because it makes him feel small. People who act that way IME are usually very insecure

Blossomflowers Fri 25-Oct-13 11:50:38

It almost like someone flicks a switch with him. One minute he is perfectly normal the next he will be talking absolute bollocks. We were sitting there last night having a pleasant evening after a lovely meal I cooked, chatting away. He then has a massive headache and starts his crap. I normally walk away and go to bed and leave him to it. Have to say this is normally associate with too much booze. Claimed also to have taken "too many painkillers" I think he was seeking attention which did not work. Now I am writing this he sounds like a complete knob.

cakehappy Fri 25-Oct-13 22:16:25

Yep, sounds like a bit of a knob. Definitely. I think you need to get a bit of perspective on this guy, he's draining you on all levels...he doesnt contribute financially and physically, there is nothing there. Sounds exhausting. And throw in some verbal abuse from time to time...an all round great guy.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 09:57:15

Update!

Did not want to start a new thread and do not know how to link. So things have not really improved. To top it all I have just had a call from EON, ( the only thing DP was responsible for saying the bill has a huge balance (over 500) as DD have not been paid. I don't have 500 to spare right now and EON will not discuss with me because in his name, Oh bloody hell. Enough is enough.

maparole Tue 03-Dec-13 10:49:52

chatting away. He then has a massive headache and starts his crap.

Has he always been this way? Because that does sound like a brain disorder to me, either chemical or physical.

It's insupportable, though. If he won't help himself or even recognise a problem, then you have to start thinking about leaving him to it.

After reading this - I agree - enough is enough.
Do you have children together?
If so how many and what ages.

And I think you'll find the MN term for him is 'cocklodger'!
Get rid and start to focus on you.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 11:02:14

Not always been this way I think but over the past few years it has got very noticeable. It is almost like he is 2 people and this becomes really evident if he drinks. He for example will say he really likes a type of food and will be cooked it and they say he dislikes it intensely. DS (13) will just look at each other bemused.

I really want to sit him down but when I see his face I feel guilty. Right now I am fuming about the electricity bill and very worried, I do not need extra financial surprises right now

ImperialBlether Tue 03-Dec-13 11:06:05

Yes, the word 'cocklodger' came to my mind pretty quickly, too.

I would imagine he knows he's not impotent because he masturbates.

What's he doing with £30,000 worth of stuff hanging around? What sort of thing is it? Any way you could get in there and relieve him of some of it to sell? Most things lose their value pretty quickly - unless he's got a little goldmine (literally) in there it's likely it's not worth what he paid for it.

One good thing is that if you did kick him out, you'd be no worse off financially. It's good that the gas bill is in his name - let him sort it out.

Frankly, he sounds pretty horrible. That nasty look in his eye? That's just him being nasty.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 11:21:42

Imperial I am pretty sure being impotent and able to masturbate does not mean that a man can perform with a partner, but I am willing to be corrected. Re his stuff they are antiques so unlikely to loose value thank god. Re the electricity bill all very well saying leave it him but sitting he in the dark at Xmas is not a happy though.
I want to sit him down and give ultimatums that unless he seeks help for his "issues" and agree a financial plan that is fair to us both. But when faced with his being nice and happy can't seem to bring myself to do it. What the fuck is wrong with me

Jan45 Tue 03-Dec-13 11:30:21

What a horrible way to speak to you. He's draining, in all aspects of life. If he really wanted to make things work he'd accept there is a problem in the first place and then become active in trying to sort it out with you.

His complete lack of motivation would indicate he's really not that fussed - sounds like the two of you are just not compatable and do not share the same views on money or sex. Unless you actually make a stand for a new way of living, nothing will change I doubt.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 03-Dec-13 11:37:10

Does he actually work ?

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 12:32:36

Yes Mist 6 days a week. He does appear to work really hard.

ImperialBlether Tue 03-Dec-13 12:47:18

Yes, sorry, I meant he is saying he's not impotent because he can masturbate.

Twinklestein Tue 03-Dec-13 13:00:58

OP could you sit down and work out how much he'ss cost you over the course of this relationship? Because that money could be invested for your retirement or spent on your kids' education.

As an avid collector of antiques myself, a recession is not a good time to be selling.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 13:38:22

twinkle it is not he so much a collector but this is part of his business, I don't even want to start thinking about how much he has cost me it would drive me insane. I am currently in terrible financial position so is imput would actually mean something now. His argument is that if he left then I would be no better of

Twinklestein Tue 03-Dec-13 14:10:14

I know it would be hard to face, but I think it would focus your mind when you draw back from ditching him. The reason you need to break free, quite apart from his unpleasant characteristics, is that you cannot afford to be bankrolling him.

I understood that he wasn't a collector - my point was that from a business pov it's hard to make money on antiques right now. If he were a collector and not looking to sell, then antiques are a good long term investment; but for a quick turnaround, trying to sell in the current climate is difficult. But hey, if you're in financial difficulties - he could try hocking the lot. That pile has been built up at your expense.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 14:37:24

Thanks you twinkle I need to brave up and make him understand this can not continue as is. When we were younger and my business was doing well then money was not such a big issue. I am in a panic about money, I just can't believe he never has anything in his account literally it makes me feel even more vunerable as have no one to turn to. Each months is a big juggling act. I have written down all monthly expenses and copy of bill for the car I bought, which he uses exclusively and will present them to him tonight. Will try and be calm. How could I be so stupid to allow this to happen.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 03-Dec-13 14:49:05

It appears to be the new Mumsnet cliché - the cockless lodger!

Let's face it, even if he never paid back the substantial amount he owes, you would still be better off for not feeding another adult. Never mind the puppy dog eyes, he is an expensive pet which you can no longer afford. Rehome it.

ImperialBlether Tue 03-Dec-13 15:28:00

Is he continuing to buy even though he's not selling?

cls77 Tue 03-Dec-13 15:40:10

Blossom my stbexh left last year after 15 years of EA and FA, very similar to what you describe. Oh, and his impotence was caused by addiction to pot. Which is where his money went !!
Not saying your situation is the same, but I am so much better for being out of that abusive marriage now.

Blossomflowers Tue 03-Dec-13 17:40:59

imp not sure. We had a conversation a few weeks ago and he promised that until he shifted some items and had a healthy bank balance he would not be buying anymore. But still he last night he told me he was broke and I found out about the 4 missing DD with the EON, who will not discuss with me because my name is not on the bill, errrrr!!!
cls sorry you have had a hard time. Gladly mine is not addicted to weed. I have to sie him down tonight and get the the bottom of things. So hard to talk with him.

MistAllChuckingFrighty Tue 03-Dec-13 18:23:49

Of course, he makes it hard to talk. He wants you to STFU so he can carry on dragging you into debt with him, not question your relationship in any way and let him behave how he likes.

Ultimatum time. He talks, or he walks.

misty75 Tue 03-Dec-13 18:31:22

I'm absolutely not trying to excuse his behaviour, but the impotence might be down to the antidepressants (esp if he's on SSRI medication), and I'm amazed the GP didn't suggest he try different meds, if he asked the GP about the impotence.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 03-Dec-13 18:45:47

Separate issues

First off the priority has to be to pay the electricity bill. You can not live with no lights or heating and it is going to only get colder.

Ask him if he masturbates. He will probably get defensive but you do have a right to know if it means he could have sex with you but is choosing not too. Calling you a hard nosed bitch is a way of telling you he feels shit and small and it is your fault, though I suspect he doesn't consciously realise he is doing it unless you think he is capable of being that cruel.

Your marriage is not great and it is definitely time for some hard words.

You don't actually need this man since he doesn't provide financially or physically. Obviously he needs you though.

Twinklestein Tue 03-Dec-13 19:23:40

Who even cares why he can't get it up when he's bleeding her dry of money & he insults her to boot!

Twinklestein Tue 03-Dec-13 19:24:07

I don't think they need to talk, I think he needs to walk.

Blossomflowers Wed 04-Dec-13 09:06:43

misty sadly the ED existed before the breakdown and he was given AD's, yes he has massive breakdown a few years ago, since then his personality has been different. When he went to the GP about his impotence the GP suggested sex therapy. He even said "apparently" the meds he was on could help" " Mitazipine" I have to have this talk with in or I am going to explode or have a breakdown myself. I feel so anxious about money, I am in such a huge mess now, being alone seems even worse than ever, yet then sometimes I think I could do it, when I am having a good day.

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 08:45:09

So had the conversation last night, what a complete waste of times. He seems to take the view that because the house is in my name, "I have the house so why should he pay" I tried to reason but was getting nowhere. Sadly turned into a massive argument. He said he is leaving, just could not decide to go before or after Xmas. I said I will make his choice easy.

CailinDana Thu 05-Dec-13 09:00:53

Sorry to hear it Blossom. Given his attitude it really is the best thing but I know it won't feel that way. The thing to do now is to ensure he does actually leave. The danger is that he threatened to leave to shut you up but has no intention of doing it.

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 09:06:32

It is actually worse, he left in Feb ans was away for 6 weeks, he came back because we agreed that things needed to change ( I am not saint) but he has never unpacked, he keeps his clothes in the spare room. I kid you not. He has said that he never wanted to come back but did so because he felt sorry for me.

CailinDana Thu 05-Dec-13 09:14:54

God just get rid of him. Nasty prick.

Anniegetyourgun Thu 05-Dec-13 09:22:56

Well in that case, do him a big fat favour and release him into the wild.

we agreed that things needed to change ( I am not saint) sounds awfully as though "we" agreed you needed to change, whilst the party of the second part felt that gracing you with his presence was his bit done.

catsmother Thu 05-Dec-13 09:24:58

Blossom, the very best thing you could do would be to chuck him out. I know that's hard after 20 years but he's vile to you, refuses to seek help for his sexual problem and doesn't contribute.

Last night you attempted to have a calm conversation where - not for the 1st time - you tried to show him the monthly outgoings and his reaction was he doesn't see why he should pay. Am not sure why the house is in your name only but you must obviously have your reasons and presumably he has been party to them. Him not being on the mortgage is irrelevant to his argument ..... by his standards, that'd mean that any private tenant shouldn't have to pay rent. By the sounds of it, not only is he not paying any "rent", he's also not paying for food, or for transport because you fund a car that he uses exclusively. Now you find that the only thing you've been asking of him - the electricity DD - which I'm guessing is going to be in the region of about a hundred and something per month - is in arrears.

My god ...... he has it made. It's utter rubbish to say he came back because he "felt sorry for you". Bollocks - he came back because out in the real world he had to effing well support himself and that would have cost him a great deal more than a hundred-ish a month.

I know it's scary to anticipate doing everything yourself and having "no-one to turn to" but being blunt you have no-one to turn to now do you ? Worse than that he's a drain - and a bloody unpleasant one at that who speaks to you like shit, wears you down and takes you for a ride left right and centre. If he wasn't there you'd benefit from peace of mind for a start. You'd also spend less on food - and booze - and if you could sell the car as you've not been using it anyway - you'd recoup a lump sum if the car was bought outright, or save on loan payments every month if it wasn't. You'd also save on insurance, tax, MOT. I very much doubt he'll come good on the thousands he owes you so I'd be looking to cut my losses and tell him to fuck off right out of your home NOW - so you can have a nice Xmas with your son without his miserable using face and the unpredictability of his moods.

You must know deep down that there isn't a single benefit to you if he stays - and every day he's there he's draining you further. You can do this on your own - just like you've already been doing and I think you'll be better off, can't see how you won't be. I think you've given him every chance - in all areas - to play fair and as you say enough is enough.

catsmother Thu 05-Dec-13 09:31:39

Would also argue that he is NOT very generous. An expensive gift on odd occasions would be generous if he was paying his way in the meantime. Divide the cost of his gifts by all the months he's failed to contribute and you'll see that it's a laughable sum. In any case, nice boots and pottery won't keep you warm or your belly full so he's completely swerving the responsibility he should be showing. Empty gestures mean nothing.

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 09:40:29

Catsmother your post is very insightful.Some how he ends up making me feel guilty for asking him to pay his way, I end up defending myself. If I was advising someone else I would be saying exactly what you are saying. Atm I feel so hurt and rejected, I need to find some of my old spirit, he just rips me apart when he goes on one.
On a practical note, the car was paid in full. he has paid some back but is in my name. I also paid his insurance in full, so guess can get nothing for that .If I sold the car to get cash ( which I desperately need) he would have no transport. Elec is 133 month and gas is 190, we agreed that he would pay these but has not done so. Bank have cancelled his DD's and will not reinstate, is this possible?

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 09:43:48

oh and in the last week he has bought himself a £32 bottle of whisky and 2 new pairs of jeans ( which are far to young for him) but pleading poverty so could not buy some fish and chips for us all.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 05-Dec-13 09:49:44

It sounds like he thinks that his very presence in your life is contribution enough , why on earth would you expect more?! If the car insurance is in his name, sadly any refund of unused insurance will go to him as policy holder regardless of who actually paid the premium.

Practically speaking, is there any scope in your juggling to somehow set up electricity DD going forward in your name, to keep the power on, because your food and drink bills are about to drop because he's leaving? Get him out ASAP, he's costing you money and you can't afford him.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 05-Dec-13 09:53:00

PS if you take the car off him, to sell to pay fuel arrears, he can cancel policy and get unused premium refund to offset the money you 'owe' him that he has paid back..., Surely he can afford a (cheap) car if he's working 6 days/week and hasn't paid a bean towards his own upkeep for months!

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 09:53:55

Unless I pay the bill outright (near on 500 quid I don't have, who does a few weeks before Xmas) EON will not discuss it with me. He has missed 5 payments, which is also my fault because I "made" him go on holiday. God this sounds totally ridiculous when I write it down

Good grief - what are you waiting for?
His bags are already packed - put the last few items in them and throw them out the front door, swiftly followed by your OH with your toe up his tight arse!!!
And sell the car. You can get rebate on the insurance.
He wants to leave - make him and make sure he completely has to fend for himself.
You give him nothing at all.
He has £30K+ of goods he can sell so he'll have to get on and sell them.
It's not up to you to worry about him not having transport.
It's all down to him now.
I think you will feel a big weight lift from your shoulders once he has gone for good.
Here's to you brand new life without this dead-weight, cocklodging knob around your neck.

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 10:04:34

Chuckle hells blimey you don't mince you words, though words I need to hear. Would it not be just a bit mean a couple of weeks before Xmas though, Got to think of DS in all this also.

catsmother Thu 05-Dec-13 10:11:20

His transport is his problem.

You will get a lump sum for the car - great! He'll no doubt argue that you owe him some of that as he's paid towards it a bit, but you can offset that against the rent he owes you. If the refund of unused insurance goes to the policy holder, I think the way you need to look at it is that it's at least one major expense you won't need to think about going forward - did you pay for petrol too ? If so, that's another saving when he goes.

EON will speak to you if he gives them permission to do so. I can't believe he'd obstruct that as he'd probably be only too delighted to have that problem taken off his hands. There's also no harm in speaking to them generally - as in, not quoting specific account details - and ask them, in theory, what the heck they expect someone in your position to do if the utilities into your home are in someone else's name - who has now left - and, because you know the account is in arrears, are concerned at being cut off. You can't be the first person in a similar position - I'm sure people have left their partner before when important bills were in their name.

catsmother Thu 05-Dec-13 10:20:04

With all this hanging over you I think Xmas would be very traumatic for you with him sat there playing happy families regardless, no doubt necking a load of booze .... and you know from past experience that's when he turns nasty. Not exactly a Xmas to look forward to. You've already indicated that DS can see through him - at least in part - he probably susses that everything's not right and may well be relieved, and more relaxed, if you make the break sooner rather than later.

The longer you leave this the longer you'll be subjecting yourself to his vile attitude. And compounding your money issues too while you still continue to pay out for him.

I don't see the break would be any "meaner" before or after Xmas. It has to happen sometime. This "man" has access, potentially, to around £30k of assets if push came to shove - and I'm baffled, if you genuinely think he works very hard, as to where the rest of the money he must be earning is going. Do you really believe he literally earns just pocket money income each month ? .... seems unlikely. I wouldn't feel too sorry for him at all. And spending £32 on totally unnecessary whisky is a shit thing to do when he could have helped out by doing a food shop. Ditto the jeans. How could he do that when, if, as you say you're struggling right now, your son is bound to be affected ? He's not just using you - he's also making no contribution for his son. That's another thing - if split, you could set the CSA on him and you might then at least be guaranteed of something from him.

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 10:26:43

I did get snippy with EON a couple of days ago because they would not discuss, well only if I paid in full. How convenient for them. Will give it another go.
My head is in a spin and can't think straight atm.
To me it seems like he is being particularly horrible and wants me to boot him out so that he can say to everyone, "look what a nasty person Blossom is" Think he is speaking to some one, who seems to be encouraging him to claim something on the house. Quite positive he has not told said person or persons what actually he has made very little contribution ot anywhere near the truth. I worked out the other day that if he paid what I thought was fair it would equate to someone earning 13,500 after tax. My point to him is quite frankly he would be better of working in Tesco's that what he does now. But then I suppose he would not be able to simper over old people and have cups of tea and little chat. WHEN HE SHOULD BE WORKING angry. Even my mum thinks he is such a nice chap.

caramelwaffle Thu 05-Dec-13 10:33:52

You'll have a great Christmas if you have it without him.

Make plans for your son and you.

Could you look into going with another power provider? Start a new bill with them - in your name - and letting EON chase your ex for their money(?)

catsmother Thu 05-Dec-13 10:34:39

You know, even if he did try to blacken your name does it really matter ? Anyone silly enough to believe a one sided story probably isn't worth knowing anyway - and you may well find that once he goes, people will come out of the woodwork and confess they've been worried about you anyway for a while - unless you're a very good actress I'd be amazed if people who know you well haven't picked up on some sort of atmosphere at some point. You just can't sustain a long relationship that isn't right for as long as you have - and still put on an act that fools everyone.

You are allowed to explain, if you want, to the people who matter to you. You could set your mum straight if she criticises your decision for example. I bet not many, if any, of your friends or family know about the money situation for example - they'd probably automatically assume he's making an equal contribution. Most people would be very shocked by the truth of it.

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 10:37:41

I took DS to his first counselling session last week (because I/GP were concerned about him) and she said what a lovely close relationship DS and I had, the problem clearly was his dad. She requested yesterday if DP would come to next session next week, he has flatly refused that I am the problem not him. I think hearing someone say in the cold light of day has pushed me into realising what a complete shit of a father he is. But need to be careful as do not want son to think we have split because of him, if that makes sense. Sorry feel like I am rambling. I was good that when DP was laying into me about shit a mother I am, I could hold me head high and laugh in his face

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 05-Dec-13 10:39:48

Can you imagine Christmas morning with excited children and an immature man putting a downer on everything?

Now imagine Christmas morning where you and the children to be free to just be as you are, relaxed, happy in the knowledge you don't have to pretend all is fine when it really isn't.

No transport for him is his problem, not yours.
You should sell the car, you will get insurance rebates which you can use to pay the EON bill.
Do not let him stay for Christmas for the sake of the children as that is the worst thing you can do.
He did not come back because he felt sorry for you. He said that to be cruel. He came back because no other mug would take him. I am NOT saying you are a mug but you are doing yourself and your children a disservice by staying with this prick.
DO not stay in this fake relationship because you are worried what people will say! TRUE friends will know what type of person you are and those that believe him are not true friends and you can cull them without looking back.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 05-Dec-13 10:42:18

Your latest post just makes me so sad. You are SO much better than this idiot and your SON will get on so much better without him. I may have missed what his difficulties are if you have posted them but maybe his only difficulty is living with a bully for a father sad.

I don't think it is mean to do it before Christmas.
Why would you want to spend Christmas with someone who is only there because 'he feels sorry for you'!!!
I know I wouldn't and you know you would have a much better time without him there dragging you down.
Probably complaining about the food etc....
Plan a nice one for you and your son and get this guy out of YOUR house ASAP!!

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 10:48:55

toffee DS is 13 has told school that he was hearing voices and and been self harming. As soon as I found out I took him to GP and then managed to get him into emergency counselling. DS at that point had begged me not to tell him Dad. After the 1 st session he agreed Dp needed to know and be involved. But DP told me MY Ds yes MY DS is attention seeking, err yes dick head!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 05-Dec-13 10:53:42

So, what are you going to do? sad

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 11:03:34

Do you think he buys things to try and cheer himself up? To make himself feel better about himself?

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 11:09:31

Do mean things for himself or DS and I?

catsmother Thu 05-Dec-13 11:24:38

I hope your son benefits from his counselling. It must be very worrying for you. Obviously I'm no doctor and nor do I know you but whatever the underlying cause of your son's problems, I think it's fair to say that stress can't be helping - and from the small snapshot you've supplied of your 'D'P, there's probably a negative atmosphere in the house your son's likely to have picked up on. If nothing else, when P goes, you will almost certainly feel as if a weight's been lifted from you - and a more relaxed, happier you can only be beneficial for your son.

Obviously, this split has nothing to do with him. He may well ask the question because many kids do but you can reassure him that things haven't been right or healthy for a very long time, which, at 13, he will probably already know.

How awful his own dad isn't prepared to attend counselling - to put himself out for his son doing something that might help him, and then to dismiss him as attention seeking. That's yet another reason why splitting is a good thing to do. Can't be good for DS's state of mind if his dad is so unsympathetic.

Isetan Thu 05-Dec-13 11:31:12

For me the change happened when I stopped asking "Why does he do that" and started asking "Why do I let him get away with it". Continually delegating responsibility to the irresponsible is crazy, you can not parent an adult, so stop.

Isetan Thu 05-Dec-13 11:32:52

Oh and hit attitude to his son would be reason enough to jetisson this dead weight.

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 11:35:45

Things for himself. Whatever he does with them afterwards.
Just the act of buying things.

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 12:05:21

cats I know why DP does not want to go, because he knows the truth will come out. You know the sad part is that history is repeating itself, DP's dad was terrible. In his sane moments he feels totally remorseful.
gold he seems addicted to buying he antique things I have referred to before, I just could be believe when I went to his workshop a few weeks ago and it was stuffed. He fails to see why I get annoyed that he keep buying but does not even have enough money to buy fish and chips (for example) I have just spoken to him and is calling Elec co now. As I have tried again and they will not talk to me,

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 12:24:19

Sounds like a type of hoarding. There are all sorts of physchological reasons that people hoard or over buy.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 05-Dec-13 12:34:23

I meant what are you going to do about having a man living in your house who is causing everyone else huge pain?

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 12:34:37

I actually think he has a disorder but he needs to seek help. He carrying today as if nothing has happened. Either he is a big liar or he really does not remember what his nasty twin is saying. I am tired of it all tbh.

notapizzaeater Thu 05-Dec-13 12:47:05

Can you not just take a few pieces from his workshop and sell them ? You have indirectly paid for them, then chuck him out

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 13:14:47

not I think that might class a theft smile

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Thu 05-Dec-13 13:28:57

You will already be better off just not having him there, in any case.

Golddigger Thu 05-Dec-13 13:30:44

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/speaking-to-gp-about-someone-elses-health.aspx?CategoryID=68&SubCategoryID=158

If you do choose to go, take a written list of what he is like and how he behaves so that you dont forget something important when you are in there.

Blossomflowers Thu 05-Dec-13 13:41:22

Gold I have already been through that few years ago.

Jux Thu 05-Dec-13 19:27:59

Oh please just put him out. He has had so much time and so many opportunities to sort things out, and instead he has just made things worse and worse and worse. Your son is self-harming and the sod is calling it attention-seeking. Maybe it is but it is harm and escalates if you don't deal with the cause.

My dd self-harmed for a while. It was as a result of multiple bereavements so no-one was culpable, but her distress was unbelievable, driving her to such extreme measures. If your son is using blades the physical harm he could do himself is enormous. I know he's seeing someone about it, but you have to deal with the cause. The cause is your OH.

Please, please, please put his stuff and him outside. He can stay in his workshop. You can't sort out the finances while he's still living with you because the same thing will keep on happening.

Blossomflowers Fri 06-Dec-13 08:33:02

Massive drama last night. Well it happened again, I thought I would give him a final chance to deal with stuff. Instead he got pissed. Got completely paranoid, thinking the "shrink" business was pathetic. He just went on and on about how ridiculous I was, how everyone dislikes me and how popular he is, DS pathetic, I now know DS heard all this. And then I snapped. Told him to get the fuck out of the house, poor DS saw me loose it big time. I am, bit ashamed but it all became too much. So he has gone, drove his car pissed up. I wanted to report to police but DS hid all the phones. DS is now saying his dad if great and the reason he hears voices and cuts himself if nothing to do with him. I know different. Letting DS of school today and going spend time with him. I feel numb right now.

Golddigger Fri 06-Dec-13 08:44:50

sad
I reread this thread. I got confused as to whether your DS's dad was your DP or not.

Your poor son and you. Eventually this may work out the best for your son. And should give you some peace for the time being.

I hope your DP gets the full help that he needs to sort himself out.

Blossomflowers Fri 06-Dec-13 08:47:07

gold unbelievably DP is his DAD, you would never think so the crap he comes out with. DP thinks everyone else is the problem not him, he will never seek help.

Golddigger Fri 06-Dec-13 09:28:00

Oh heck. Oh no.

You say that he will never seek help. I was surprised tbh that he did go and get help to get the ADs.
Some partners and husbands on mumsnet dont even seem to get that far.

Really sorry it's all blown up but I think it's probably for the best.
Make sure he stays out now and do not let him back.
Spend a lovely day and weekend with your son and things will settle in time.
I hope you are OK.
Well done getting him out and good luck.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 06-Dec-13 14:03:05

flowers

Putting him out was absolutely the right thing to do.

Now sort your son out. Obviously help and support him but he does not get to hide phones so you can't call for assistance, etc nor does he get to dictate whether his father is the reason he is self harming or not. Clearly it is because he has a prick for a father but he is scared what will happen now he has gone and will no doubt feel responsible. I am sure you have said to him it is not his fault and it shouldn't be necessary to explain how badly he - your stbex -has treated you too.

Blossomflowers Fri 06-Dec-13 18:15:39

Thanks for the messages. Spent all day looking after my 2 young GC, so kept me really busy, feel very tearful. Sods law popped into supermarket on the way home and bumped into DP. We just stared and did not speak. No doubt in his mind I am the evil bitch that has made him homeless. Told me DIL and she said can't blame you, I would not out up with his shit. Feeling extremely low, need hand holding this weekend.

Golddigger Fri 06-Dec-13 18:39:44

<hand hold>
Hope you get some rl hand holds as well.

StickyProblem Fri 06-Dec-13 19:02:22

Hand holding Blossom
He is OUT, that's good. Stay strong flowers

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Fri 06-Dec-13 22:33:43

You did the right thing.

Give DS plenty of reassurance that this is not his fault.

I think, too, that is must be hard for children of a parent who believes nothing is his fault not to take his words at face value.

That was great that you prioritised him when you had so much to get your head round yourself. flowers

Blossomflowers Sat 07-Dec-13 09:29:07

Horrible horrible night not sleep. I feel sick. Have no rl support, DM is going away tomorrow so do not want to ruin her holiday. No one wants to here this shit again, so hope you don't mind if I come on here and rant. No missing him in bed as for the past 3 week ends he has slept on the sofa. Has been a constant repeat, he gets drunk, spouts a load of shit, nice as pie the next day. Has told me so many times that nobody likes me, he only came back because he felt sorry for me, could not decide to leave before or after Xmas ( well have made that decision for him) I like to say none of his words hurt but they do.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Sat 07-Dec-13 22:24:28

Oh, OP, I hope you are feeling better now. Of course his words hurt and the rollercoaster you were on before he left sounds exhausting.

Hope today has been peaceful and calm in comparison. Notice the differences with him gone, when you can. Little positives to get you through the day.

flowers

Blossomflowers Sun 08-Dec-13 13:44:57

Feeling do upset today. DS has gone out to see friends and arranged behind my back for his dad to pick him up. DS now denying that his dad is a problem. DP not called or been in touch, notice still loads of his stuff here. Had a threatening letter from EON final demand. Shit this is something he was supposed to pay for. I want the car back to sale so atleast recoup something. Not sure how to go about this.

Blossomflowers Sun 08-Dec-13 14:27:09

Anyone here today, feeling extremely distraught. Really need to know what is reasonable. Want to make sure my mood is not affecting my judgement. Have asked DS to be picked up @ 4.00. Now he has txted to say his dad want to take him for food at 4.30. I am a little irked with DS because he went behind my back today. But cutting him some slack as this are tough for him atm, but feel I need to lay down some ground rules.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 08-Dec-13 18:09:47

Let it go for now with your son but make it clear that he is not to go against what you have said again.

Go to a garage tomorrow to see about selling the car.

Phone EON and tell them your soon to be ex will not pay this so are they happy to see a child without heating and electric at Christmas.

CharlotteCollinsinherownplace Sun 08-Dec-13 23:39:14

Let your DS think his dad is great. Chances are it won't last; if it does, that's ok, that's their relationship.

But you're right that he doesn't get to mess you around. It's ok that it happened today, of course.

Hold on in there, OP. No idea what's best with EON. CAB? Solicitors??

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 09:25:22

Just spoken with EON and they said DP called last week but did not make a payment as card was declined. Just sent DP a text asking to either to pay what is owed on the car or drop the car of here. I could do with the car actually as mine is not brilliant in the Winter. Not sure what I can do if he will not willingly give car back, it is in my name.
Yesterday was a mess, I had told DS that I was not taking him to town and we were going to spend the day together but he texted his dad and arranged with him. He then asked if he could go to lunch with , I said no as I had already cooked. DS thinks his dad is being really nice, um I actually think he is a manipulating cock. DS will see through it at some point.

TeenyW123 Mon 09-Dec-13 09:52:27

Keep going Blossom. Take control back. I think your son could do with a little chat about arranging things behind your back too.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 10:00:14

DS did apologise and has promised not to do it again. Was very lovely last night kept telling me he loves me and asking if I am ok. I am trying to be strong and keep the house going, DS has caught me a couple of times having a good cry. He is now telling me that his problems with self harming and hearing voices is nothing to do with his dad. I find that hard to believe not sure the counsellor will agree either. DS told her that he had overheard his dad saying he wished he had never been born, and was pathetic. Hoping I am making sense I feel very stressed it is just too much to cope with. My stoamach is in constant knots, only managed a few hours sleep last night. Want to go out for a few hours tonight but worried DP will come to the house whilst I am out. Have told no in RL other than older DS and his girlfriend, who have been lovely but don't want to burden them.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 10:27:06

Just has a text from him saying that he has a cheque for me and will pay Elec in full tomorrow and can he have his stuff please. Told him he can have his stuff when cheque clears ( it will probably bounce) and he can to pay it into my account. I can't say it does not hurt that he clearly seems totally un affected by all this.

Loggins Mon 09-Dec-13 10:35:00

Stay strong Blossom. You will have a much happier life without that piece of shit.
Once you have the money bag up his stuff and leave it outside. Ask him for the car keys. If he doesn't leave them you can report him to the police.

You son will not want to believe his dad is the problem. He wants his Dad to love him but the things he has heard go against that so he's trying. The veil will lift Blossom.

Take care

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 10:57:49

Oh thanks loggins I actually keep reminding of all the horrible things he has said to me and DS. It seems to help me stay strong. A few weeks ago DS overheard DP on one of his rants, poor kid should never of heard any of it. I hope we can repair the damage. DS has been very angry past few months. Poor DS's hands are such a mess with the cutting.

Loggins Mon 09-Dec-13 11:06:23

Ah bless him. It's so so sad for him, he must be very confused. It will be ok in time I'm sure.

You are doing the right thing Blossom. Limit your contact and keep reminding yourself of all the vile things he has said and done. He is truly disgusting.

Cantabile Mon 09-Dec-13 11:12:18

The car is in your name.
You have asked for it back.
If it is not returned then it is stolen and you can report it. THen you can sell the car you have to pay elec. I would warn him that you will report it if it is not returned, but you don't have to.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 11:15:39

DS is in counselling, he has only had one session and she called me to ask what I was going to do, she said it was quite rare to see something so obvious wrong so quickly. She does not think DS has mental heath problems. I suppose in one way it made me realise that I was not going mad. It saddens me though that DS feels responsible. I will keep telling him that he is not to blame. Ironically DP has been telling me recently he could not decide to leave before or after Xmas, guess I have made that choice for him now

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 11:17:30

Cant he has texted this morning offering to pay £800 and all elec but will see what happens, He owes me literally thousands, so maybe should take the cash ( if cheque does not bounce) and then the car also, or is that just being mean?

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 11:43:57

I would get on with recovering the car because it's quite likely that he won't pay up. I would call CAB as well to help you deal with EON in the event of non-payment.

What kind of counsellor is your son seeing? I'm a bit surprised that she said he didn't have mental health problems given that he is self harming and hearing voices.

Loggins Mon 09-Dec-13 11:44:48

Blossom it's not mean. He owes you thousands. He hasn't contributed to the household as agreed. If and when the cheque clears you then ask him for the keys. You paid for it!
If he is short of money he can sell of some of his stock can't he? He isn't your problem anymore

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 12:04:58

Being mean is not paying utility bills when you have 30 grand's worth of antiques at your disposal. Being mean is making devastating comments about your child in their hearing. Taking back a personal belonging from a man who has drained you of money is not mean, it's sensible.

If he's short, he can sell some of his antiques at a local auction or to a local dealer this week to raise the cash.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 12:22:21

Twinkle he is seeing a counsellor refered by the GP, I also thought it was a bit of a strange thing to say. Self harming and hearing voices, does signal MH issues, all be probably caused by being belittled by his dad.
loggin re car the car is in my name but he put his old car towards so in fairness he has paid half, but he does owe me so much. I don't want to be unreasonable.
On a good note just came to an arrangement about a financial problem I was very worried about. a bit of relief. Also just told a good friend that has has gone.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 12:24:48

He owes me 3500 for gas supply, something else he did not pay. Just to go about taking the car is an issue, I do have a set of keys though.

Cantabile Mon 09-Dec-13 14:22:19

Give him the other car then, the one that's not great in the winter.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 14:31:22

No that car is mine bought and paid for. If needs be I can try and sell it and get something more practical for winter. Need something reliable as DS school as quite distance. Also not sure why I should give him anything, he financially take the piss for years. I need to be tough now.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 15:01:10

Normally love Xmas but can't even get motivated to buy pressies, decorate the house. Always have a real tree but have no way of getting it home. sad Kick up the backside needed me thinks

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 15:39:21

It's apparently quite common for children to hear voices, particularly in response to traumatic experiences, and in many cases they disappear on their own.

GPs don't have very much mental health training, and after initial assessment, they generally refer on for further treatment. Personally, I think that, given the nature of your son's symptoms, the GP should have referred you to a child psychiatrist for a specialist assessment. In your situation I would go back go the GP and ask for a referral. Also bear in mind that counsellors are not qualified to diagnose mental illness.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 16:00:09

We have been referred to CAHMS, sorry I am new to this. I think it seems to be the right place. She feels his confidence has been destroyed. Sadly self harming seems to more common nowadays, I spoke to school about this and head of year knew a couple of people in DS group of friends doing it. Before DS was hiding now has cuts all over his hands. Although DP said this was load of attention seeking crap. He has admitted to me on several occasions that he did the same when he was a kid.

Loggins Mon 09-Dec-13 16:42:19

Yes you do need to be tough now, I'm glad you are feeling that.
Aside from the finances he has damaged your son. That should be enough to make you hate the cocklodger.

It's your first Christmas without him, it really is cause to celebrate

shimmeringinthesun Mon 09-Dec-13 17:24:08

Op I've been reading your thread since you started it, and am so sorry you are in this position, but glad you found the strength to remove this man and his awful behaviour from your home.

I came on to say, re the car: You said it is in your name, so is the car tax and insurance too? I ask because should anything happen and the car is involved - eg accident, none paid parking tickets, that sort of thing, then you could end up with more problems to sort out.
It's your property so get it back. Never mind worrying about his situation, he seems more than capable of looking after himself......he's doing that now isn't he, by not paying those bills!!!!
Your own and your child's needs are greater than his. You need a good car, and you need that money........that money which You have worked for and is yours by rights.

Sending you and your boy love and light. flowers

Twinklestein Mon 09-Dec-13 17:33:18

If he's been referred to CAMHS then he's in the right place.

It's awful how common self harm is nowadays, even among very young children.

I really hope you can get this bill sorted soon, I can see Christmas feels too much on top of all of this.

Blossomflowers Mon 09-Dec-13 18:09:22

*shimmer" thanks for your kind words. The insurance is actually in his name and me named driver as I would have not been able to use NCB on 2 cars. I arranged for it and paid for it though, I really do sound like an idiot don't I.Twinkle well lets see if he is good as his word and pays the bill tomorrow. I won't hole my breathe. My trouble is I believe what I am told. Have a friend coming around for a chat soon, hope I won't bore her 2 much. Lats time he left I was a complete wreck, somehow this feels a little different.

shimmeringinthesun Mon 09-Dec-13 19:11:27

Blossom it's good that he pays his own insurance, but who is the named driver on the documents, him or you?

If it's you, then you can prove beyond doubt that it is your car, and that you should have no qualms about taking it back.
If he is the named driver, you may have more difficulty in claiming it, but don't let that put you off.

You have a set of keys.....what are you waiting for? Be strong and don't let him use you any more.

good luck.

Blossomflowers Tue 10-Dec-13 09:16:45

Feeling absolutely shattered, just can't seem to sleep, maybe I should get something to help me. Had friends around last night, was nice to have a chat in RL. They have know DP for 14 years and were appalled about the things he has said but not shocked. Their exact words were that he is a raging alchoholic with MH problems and I have done the right thing by throwing him out. DP has convinced me over the years that I was the one with the problem, said said it was most def not me shimmer the car is registered in my name and the insurance is in his and I as named driver. Thinking about the car, it actually would make life so much easier for Me and DS on a practical level but I feel guilty about asking for it.

Blossomflowers Tue 10-Dec-13 09:17:38

Oh and shimmer the insurance might be in his name but I arranged it and paid for it in full. Duh!!!!!

Geckos48 Tue 10-Dec-13 10:28:33

With eon, you can just phone a different company and tell them that you have moved into this house and need to pay the bill in your name, they will do that and eon will then chase him for the money owed, nothjng to do with you.

shimmeringinthesun Tue 10-Dec-13 10:43:40

Morning Blossom, sorry you had a bad night, but hopefully things will get easier and your mind will calm down enough to let you sleep. I'm glad to see you had a good chat with your RL friends - they're just gold at a time like this.

Back to the car....... (last time, I promise)..... As it's registered to you then it's your car, you need it, so you don't have to ask for it, just go get it. To be honest, if he's such a raging alcoholic as your friends said, then he shouldn't be driving anyway, so you would be doing everyone a favour taking it back. And if he then decides he can't do without one, then he can sell some of the stuff he's stashed and go buy one. It's called being responsible for himself.

You have got to consider yourself and your DS now. Put yourselves first, look after yourselves, and journey onwards and upwards to a joyful life together.

wishing you the very best flowers.

Blossomflowers Tue 10-Dec-13 10:57:15

I think I need to get mad. I range from being calm, tearful, guilty and sorry for him. I am going to make a list of DP badisms and keep reading.
Here is one, in one our recent arguments I asked DP why he lived here if it was so shit, he replied "it was a good free restaurant"
Feel a bit sad for DS, he wanted to borrow my mobile phone to send his dad a text, I refused because quite frankly I do not want to read anything about his situation. Also DS his own mobile phone why can't DP not just call DS, this is not up to me to manage this relationship.
shimmer I am suprised DP has not lost his licence before now, he drinks and drives shamelessly. His car is essential for his job, what an idiot

shimmeringinthesun Tue 10-Dec-13 11:17:18

Crikey!! shock.... I asked DP why he lived here if it was so shit he replied it was a good free restaurant ....well, that says it all in just that one line doesn't it. What a user, he's had one heck of a free ride hasn't he.

Yes, get mad, stay mad, deal with him....... In fact I'm feeling mad on your behalf!

Blossomflowers Tue 10-Dec-13 11:21:12

Oh shimmer that is one of the least horrible things.
How about "I wish our son was never born" and "I hate being a dad"
Fuck I just called his number by mistake, quickly put the phone down, hope he does not 1471. shit shit shit. Was meaning to call DS1
Going to compile that list and stay strong.

shimmeringinthesun Tue 10-Dec-13 11:44:33

A long time ago, in what now seems like another life that happened to someone else, I was married for a short while to an arrogant and abusive man', and he regularly threw gems like that at me.

The one that sticks in my mind the most (when he was threatening to throw me out) is .... ' oh, and you'd better take that little bastard with you, 'cos he's not mine' !

That hurt more than anything else he ever said to me, and I've said it here, not to hijack your thread, but so that you know I, along with many others on here, know and understand just EXACTLY what's happening to you.

Write that list, read it, memorise it, think of it when you're having a wobble.....you CAN do it!

shimmeringinthesun Tue 10-Dec-13 11:49:32

Sorry...that quote from my ex referred to my boy , who was an absolute darling. And when I left, I did indeed take him with me, and we had a fabulous life together.

Life is too short to waste on rubbish......get it out of your life.

Blossomflowers Tue 10-Dec-13 11:50:26

Why the fuck am I feeling sorry for him what the hell is wrong with me. Thanks for sharing your story not hyjaking at all. Makes me feel less of a freak.
Knowing that he has hurt our son has given me the strength, I just kept making excuses for him. Of course atm I am appearing as the villian in all this.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 10-Dec-13 12:56:13

I want to give you a big hug for being so lovely and a kick up the bum to give you some anger.

Your live in cocklodge is wrecking your life and your child's life and the reason you feel guilty about taking the CAR THAT IS YOURS is because YOU ARE A LOVELY CARING PERSON. He is not.

Reread this thread. Write down all the advice given to do the practical things and then DO THEM.

He is taking you for a mug. Stop letting him.

You can do this. You must do this. In years to come you will look back on this and think why the hell were you so giving to a twat.

Stay strong!

Blossomflowers Tue 10-Dec-13 13:38:07

Oh thanks toffee I am going to wait until the end of the day and see if he pays EON as promised. If so I am going to ask for the car back, I have no idea where he is do can't just go an take it back. I need some advise how to deal with DS. Atm he seems to be blaming me and his dad is being really nice.

Loggins Tue 10-Dec-13 13:52:42

Hi Blossom. Could you possibly speak to your sons counsellor for advice?
I'd be tempted to try and stop contact for the time being to be honest.

Blossomflowers Tue 10-Dec-13 14:03:16

Hi loggins funnily enough I did speak with her yesterday, explaining that he has moved out and would not be attending the session next week. She feels that DS reactions are perfectly normal but would not let him have contact if I had no address, also I worry about the drink driving. DS is under strict instructions that he is not to get in the car if he thinks DP is drinking. Trouble is it is hard to go NC as DS is 13 and has his own phone, also he is feeling sorry for his dad right now. I hope counsellor will be able to help him deal with all this.

Blossomflowers Tue 10-Dec-13 17:12:30

Just sent me another text has paid £200 towards elec and has a cheque for £800 for rest a car. Also proposes to set DD to settle rest. Not sure what to do about the car. Has also offered to take DS in the morning but don't think I want to face him. Guess to demand the card would be unfair now

shimmeringinthesun Tue 10-Dec-13 17:47:33

Are you saying he's offered you £800 for the car? how much would it cost you to buy yourself one - more than £800 for a decent one that you can rely on, I know!
The car IS YOURS. Let him have the hassle of sorting himself a new one, and get yours back.

I know this all seems like a major headache right now, but it will be worth it to sever the ties, and to know where you stand.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 10-Dec-13 19:15:02

Nothing, NOTHING, you want to do is unfair. Look at what he has done to you. Was it unfair when he didn't pay the bills he was responsible for leaving you in a mess now? Was it unfair he said disgraceful things to your child leaving him not knowing what the hell to think?

He probably doesn't think his father is great. He is probably sucking up to him to try and make him behave as a father should. He is probably trying to please his dad as he feels it is his fault his dad is being as he is.

If you don't want him to take your DS, and I feel you should keep them apart as much as possible until your ex grows up, then don't let him. You don't have to answer to your ex, you do not have to justify anything to your ex.

Loggins Tue 10-Dec-13 20:53:01

Blossom, you knew you were doing the right thing when you told him to go. You know he is no good for your son at the moment. Stop thinking you are being unreasonable, you really really aren't. He has hurt your lovely boy and sucked you dry in the process.
You need to send one text stating he needs to pay the whole bill and a time/date when he can pick all of his stuff up and leave the car. Tell him you will discuss access once you are satisfied he has sorted himself out

Twinklestein Tue 10-Dec-13 21:19:45

When you start to feel guilty about him, just focus on your children, put what is best for them first: they you are responsible for, they should be your priority not him.

If he's got £800 to spend on a car (having not paid your bill in full), that's great he can go and find one, and give yours back.

Please don't let him have the car that you need to get your children around.

He is the one who should be feeling guilty here, yet he feels nothing. He doesn't care about any of you.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Dec-13 21:20:04

^they are the ones you are responsible for

Jux Tue 10-Dec-13 21:27:32

You are not unreasonable.

You are not unreasonable.

You are not unreasonable.

You are not unreasonable.

C & P ^ into Word or somewhere, enlarge the font so it's enormous, print it out and stick it on the fridge.

How much is a new reliable car? We just had to replace ours as it was going to cost us £700+ to get it through its MOT and it would almost certainly only last another few months even then. We found something which goes, for 750, spent 300 odd on making it safe (engine died on hills) and there are still little niggles. We were lucky, and sold our old one for parts for 200.

You won't get a decent car to ferry the children about in for 800. Same as paying 200 on a debt of 3500 is neither here nor there unless it's guaranteed to happen every month.

He's doing the least that is necessary atm. Don't roll over. You need to ensure your future and that of your children. He needs to stop mucking about and grow up.

Blossomflowers Wed 11-Dec-13 09:30:48

Thanks you all, the £800 cheque will probably bounce. Apparently he was going to turn up this morning and take DS to school and give me the cheque, I am sure it will be no surprise that he has not turned up. (he told DS he was going to call me, oh I shall wait with baited breathe. I really hate the fact he uses DS to talk to me. Am going to compile text and ask him to drop car off, he will probably go mental in his mind the £800 will be us quits on the car, still does not settle 3500 on gas over past 18 months I paid, or £500 he "borrowed for holiday spending money. The list goes on.
On a good note I had the best nights sleep I have had since he left, I actually woke up when the alarm went off. A good nights sleep really helps. Going order lots of stuff on Amazon today for DS and GC's. Got to try and get into the Xmas spirit.

Blossomflowers Wed 11-Dec-13 11:20:35

OK deep breathe, have just sent the Text. Basically said I will accept £800 and the car as need something reliable for taking DS to school, it is a 20 mile round trip. Also said I don't think he is stable right now so need to discuss contact arrangement and asked him to stop sending messages through Ds and he has enough to contend with and finally why did he take some of DS's Xmas present and need to know what he has bought so no cross over. Does that all reasonable? Now waiting for reply.

Loggins Wed 11-Dec-13 12:44:23

Reasonable? I think you are being very nice to him actually! When he replies try not to get into a discussion with him. State facts and then ignore him.

So he hasn't actually paid the electric then?
As far as I can remember the account is with the person not the address so can you call them and set up your own account and they can chase him for payment themselves?

Glad you had a good nights sleep

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 11-Dec-13 12:59:59

STOP trying to be reasonable. It never works with someone who isn't also reasonable.

Get back what is yours.
Get back what he owes you and your son.
Sort access if your son is safe to be with him.

Enjoy Christmas!

Blossomflowers Wed 11-Dec-13 13:20:44

He paid £200 towards the elec and has made an arrangement with them, He has agreed to give the car to me but needs a couple of days to get himself something else. Have just got into a long email discussion with him. As asked him to not to keep sending messages though DS, he replied that he only wanted to reassure him he loved him and cared for him. To which I said it will take a long time to repair the damage you have done to our son.He then said that he doesn't know who I have been talking to WTAF.I said do really not remember things you have said? ( I gave him examples) He said he only remembered the violent arguments and that is why he left. Err you did not leave I threw you out because I was not willing to be your verbal punchbag. Still deflecting, I can't believe he sees himself as such a victim. I ended by saying that he needs to get help. I did have a good cry but he can not see this. I hope he gives me the car soon, can go get DS and I our Xmas tree.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 11-Dec-13 13:40:38

It is your car. Go and get it. You can not trust this man to do anything he says. Look at what he has been doing and saying already.

Loggins Wed 11-Dec-13 13:50:56

Blossom you do not have to read him rewriting history. It's not going to make you feel any better.

How many times has he let you down with money in the past? A few days to sort himself a new car? My arse. Call the police and tell them he is driving it without your permission. You really need to stop listening to the rubbish he is feeding you

Blossomflowers Wed 11-Dec-13 14:06:14

I think I need to feel the anger but all I feel today is sadness and grief for life we once had ( before he went mental) .I wanted to write it down maybe it will help him. I hope it shocks him to see in written down. I am not going to be painted as the mad/bad one, he has DS half convinced I am sure. All this I love DS and want him to know how much I care for him is a load of bollocks. Maybe he really does have a split personality, he just so likes to re write history. I will give him a couple of days, if car not here by Saturday will call the police then

Loggins Wed 11-Dec-13 14:21:29

I'm sorry Blossom but you can't help him. I know it's easier to think there's a reason for his behaviour rather than excepting he is arsehole.
Things will get better for you and your son I promise.
One day at a time.
Can you ask a friend to pick you up a tree?

Blossomflowers Wed 11-Dec-13 14:42:03

loggins I do not want to help him anymore. I just want him to realise he is the problem and stop blaming me. I think some months ago I started to feel this and stopped trying to fix him. Before when he want on a drunken rant I would sit and listen, if he turned on me I would just up and go to bed. But in recent months I have been reacting, I think it was the episode when I knew DS had over heard the dreadful things he was saying and finally hearing DS speak to the counsellor about how he felt, that it dawned on me how wrong his behavior and how this was far from normal and that I and DS deserved so much more.
Re tree DIL has offered to use her car tomorrow, bless.and found out local company delivers

Blossomflowers Wed 11-Dec-13 14:44:36

He has me convinced that I am mad, control freak, nobody likes me and I have no friends, I am a terrible mother, shit at house work ( well that might be true) and my job was pointless. Trouble I was starting to believe all this.

TeenyW123 Wed 11-Dec-13 14:48:37

blossom

That's typical abusers talk. Deflecting or projecting, whatever.

You are not mad, you are a good mum, you take responsibility for those who need it. This does not include that FW!

Teeny

Blossomflowers Wed 11-Dec-13 14:57:47

It actually really help to write this down, so thank you for listening and posting I really appreciate it. Funnily enough did not get a response to the last text. I think this is a good method for us to communicate as unfortuntely we need to to sort stuff out. He probably sitting there thinking what a nasty bitch I am. All I want is DS and I to be happy. Know DS is upset, has been posting on FB and how shit Xmas will be as no "everyone" will be here. DS is bigger than me but still so much my baby.

Loggins Wed 11-Dec-13 15:19:16

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You know the truth, you know you are doing the right thing.
It's going to take time to get back to your former self, after years of him dragging you down the only way is up!

I'd say its good your son is voicing his upset, better out than in maybe?

Good news on the tree, DS can help you decorate.
What plans do you have for Christmas? Panto or ice skating?

Blossomflowers Wed 11-Dec-13 15:27:45

I know it does not matter, I think I am just venting and processing. It's funny I met up with someone recently who I had not seen for years and she suddenly looked up and said, why do you keep calling your self thick and apologising all the time? I did not realise I was.

DS has counselling on Monday so hope that help.

Oooh love ice skating, DP hated it so only the more reason we should go this year. Luckily DS is big enough to get into the attic and get Xmas stuff, think we should do that tonight in anticipation of tree coming tomorrow

Loggins Wed 11-Dec-13 17:43:52

That's the spirit Blossom smile

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 11-Dec-13 19:51:15

Stop caring what he thinks of you. He does not matter. His opinion does not matter.

You know who you are. If you are sure you are none of those things then he is wrong and needs no more head space.

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 10:01:32

Had a bit of a wobble in Tesco this morning, don't know what it is about supermarkets atm, it sends me into the verge of a panic attack. Deep breathing. I am very worried about DS, we talked a lot last night. I know he is smoking fags and weed, am worried especially about weed, considering his anxiety. He is angry with his dad for not calling him, they have seen each other once, since last Thursday. He keep asking why he has not called, not sure what to say for the best really. He is also feeling sorry for him particularly about Xmas and wants me to invite him for Xmas lunch. I am glad we have his couselling on Monday. DS cannot understand why his dad will not come to the counselling session, also said he had heard me "always defending him" poor thing.

wistlin Thu 12-Dec-13 10:48:49

You should go to Al-Anon, to get yourself some support. Also i think Alateen would be good for your son

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 10:56:09

I'll be honest I don't think those meetings would suit us. DS has started attending Counselling wist, the alcholic has been removed from the house. We are dealing with the aftermath.

mistlethrush Thu 12-Dec-13 11:03:49

Blossom - wrt the antiques in the shed - it sounds to me as though you have effectively bank rolled at least some of their acquisition - is there any way you could raise some cash through the sale of any of them?

Anniegetyourgun Thu 12-Dec-13 11:09:49

Please realise that he will never accept he is the problem and stop blaming you. Well, maybe he'll do it for a short while, have a quick woe is me session, then go back to the original pattern. He's been such a grade A shit that he can't possibly admit it to himself, so it will always have to be someone else's fault. If he ever does stop blaming you (and the son you had together, that's the truly wicked thing), it will be because he's found another scapegoat. The important thing is that you know you weren't to blame, and that DS comes to believe it too.

My experience with CAMHS was excellent, hope yours is too.

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 11:10:22

mistle it is part of his business were the said items here I would not hesitate to put them on E Bay. At the moment he is said he is giving me the car back and going to pay Elec and Gad by DD but I think his words mean very little.

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 11:17:09

annie We have only 1 session with CAMHS and it was very good, it also has helped me see how wrong everything was, just to see the shocked look on her face when DS told her what his dad has said. She even considered involving social services. When I told DP this he went absolutely mad calling the "shrink" horrible names, became totally paranoid, accused me of recording him and using it against him. You are right everyone else is to blame.

wistlin Thu 12-Dec-13 11:18:02

Its not as simple as removing the alcoholic. Its a family disease.

you have been nabling/codependant. You've demonstrated that already on this thread...by paying all the bills

similarly, your ds lies and takes the blame for his fathers behaviour.

its great your son is getting counselling. You need help also. You don't have to go to groups. Although, i felt like that until i went

stickysausages Thu 12-Dec-13 11:24:02

So many things jumped out at me, that are familiar from my growing up with an alcoholic father. The nasty drunk, the money problems & big gifts, quite manic behaviour really. My stepmum wasted 20 years of her life with him, before realising enough was enough. She has a whole new life now, and is finally happy... just like you deserve to be thanks

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 11:35:36

Oh dear sticky thank you. I hope I will find happiness one day. I just need to remain strong for DS, I am very worried about him and struggle to find the right thing to say to him. I tell him a love him loads and let him talk. Despite everything he has heard he still feels sorry for his dad.

mistlethrush Thu 12-Dec-13 11:40:47

Blossom - I realise that it is his business - but isn't it your money (effectively) that has been purchasing the goods?

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 11:47:56

Yes he has bought stuff with money that he should have been paying bills but very difficult to prove, I can hardly march into his workshop/shop pick up and an item and walk out with it under my . Though could be a rather comedy moment, just to see the look on his face and his silly little cronies

mistlethrush Thu 12-Dec-13 12:05:41

Where is the workshop - elsewhere?

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 12:08:35

Yes Mistle.

mistlethrush Thu 12-Dec-13 12:11:51

That's a pity. I still think that you need to be angry and get hold of some things that will help you to get out of the financial hole he's helped to put you in. So the car is a must.

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 12:15:36

I know, I should be angry. He said he is looking to at car today and will let me know later. More so though I want to help DS keep stable, he looks so sad.

wistlin Thu 12-Dec-13 12:39:33

It doesn't matter how or when or where he gets a new car. It is irrelevant

he has your car and you need it back, now

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 13:27:20

I just feel so tired with all today. I will give him tomorrow, the trouble is if I appear to be acting unreasonably it will only hurt DS. Trying to arrange presents, Xmas stuff. I actually hate Xmas right now, every time I turn on the radio, there is some stupid Xmas song, or some advert on TV happy families on Xmas morning. I feel so sad sad

Geckos48 Thu 12-Dec-13 14:36:15

I would seriously think again about phoning rje electricity, water and gas people, telling them you are a new occupier and the old occupier has moved to <enter name and address of workshop>. That means you are paying the electric as of now and the other bills and they will chase him for money owed. You don't have to worry about it.

As for the car, send him a letter by recorded delivery which you have kept a copy of saying 'I wxpect the car back by this date' and if he doesn't bring it back, take the car documents to the police and they will bring it back.

Refuse to look at or answer ANY messages or contact that are not about your son.

wistlin Thu 12-Dec-13 14:46:07

you are not acting unreasonably though
it is your car
you need it
he will see you and your son without electricity over christmas.... angry

do you know the thing that gave me strength, was someone saying to me that i was providing the blueprint for how a relationship should be, for my children. i have girls so the thought of them ending up in a relationship like mine horrified me.
How would you feel if your son treated his wife in this way? You have to show him that it is not acceptable to treat people this way. It is OK to put your foot down...and leave him to pay the electricity, and ask for your car back

i think if you phone EDF and tell them the truth, his bill will follow him and you start a new account in your name...not sure though

flowers

Blossomflowers Thu 12-Dec-13 15:48:25

Sorry if anyone missed my post, but he did pay half the bill for Elec and has made an arrangement to pay rest in Jan, so for now that is sorted.

wist I do feel ashamed I have allowed this to go on for so long, when he is sober he is so nice and kept giving him chances. Just had friend over and she said I have done the right thing and feels for my son and surprised he wants anything to do with his dad.
On a good note Xmas tree has been delivered and DS1 and family are about to arrive so we can all have a go at decorating. Will try to forget about my troubles for a few hours.

Loggins Thu 12-Dec-13 16:13:31

Hope you manage a few smiles putting the tree up Blossom.
Even if Christmas is a bit sad for you next years will be bloody fantastic

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 12-Dec-13 22:02:21

I am surprised he has started letting your son down again so quickly.

You can't take shit from your ex to protect your child though. Your son needs to learn what his father really is and you deserve more than being a punch bag for his shit.

Jux Thu 12-Dec-13 22:34:49

Couldn't agree more, Toffee.

Blossomflowers Fri 13-Dec-13 09:34:19

Have friend coming over today to hep me tidy the garden as a complete tip. Aaah garden therapy.
I am very worried about DS, was in tears last night and very angry with me, calling me names and being agressive . He older brother was here and took him off for a chat, eventually came and apologised and gave me lots of cuddles. Later we watched a film and ate chocs. I know he is venting and taking out on me but because I am feeling venerable it makes me want to cry. Managed to stay calm though.
Terrible sleep last night, had a nightmare about DP breaking into the house and starting a fire, maybe I am loosing it.

Blossomflowers Fri 13-Dec-13 09:40:32

oh toffee it does not surprise me he is letting DS, but in his mind it will be my fault I am sure. DS has a mobile which his dad could call anytime, part of me wants to txt him and intervene but actually I think this is not down to me now to manage their relationship anymore.

Jux Fri 13-Dec-13 10:24:16

No it isn't down to you now. You can comfort and cuddle and love when ds gets let down (inevitable) and show patience and fortitude when he acts out and blames you. He will come to see the truth for himself.

His older brother sounds lovely. Mine used to do similar - when I was upset/acting out, he would often just come and talk me down and very kindly put me straight. Brothers like that are gems.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 13-Dec-13 14:37:57

" but in his mind it will be my fault I am sure."

Stop it, just seriously stop wasting so much time thinking about what he will think. You are doing yourself and YOUR CHILD no favours by second guessing so much what your ex will think.

You are nothing to do with the relationship between your son and his father unless he causes your son harm. Oh, there you go, but still do not text.

mistlethrush Fri 13-Dec-13 15:32:09

I'm sure that in your ex's mind, all of this will be your fault and none of it his - not his fault that he drank, didn't contribute and was a lousy partner and dad. But you can't do anything about that.

What you can do is be a good mother to your sons - and that means helping them when their father lets them down again and also fighting to get what you need to make your lives work as a family (including the car).

Blossomflowers Fri 13-Dec-13 15:45:48

Well apparently the car is coming tomorrow morning, he seems to want for me to give him a lift back, sorry no I do not even want to see his face. The couple of people I have now spoken to in RL are not sure DS should be seeing is Dad, not that he has bothered to call him but there you go. Last time he left I gave him an earful about not being in touch with DS but have not bothered this time. I need to get hold of that anger and keep in close. Well DS and I can decorate tree this weekend, and wrap Xmas pressies.

Jux Fri 13-Dec-13 16:37:17

Could you have a friend round who could have a quick look at the car and take the keys for you?

Your ds is 13? It's a bit difficult to lay down the law to them at that age, so not letting him see his dad if he wants to might be a tall order, and would probably backfire on you.

Blossomflowers Fri 13-Dec-13 16:48:55

Everyone so busy this weekend.

Very tricky situation with son seeing his dad but will be interested to see what counsellor suggests on Monday. I think DP is suffering serious MH episode right now, drink driving, irrational thoughts, seeing things that are not there, hearing voices, he has poor DS convinced there is a ghost in the house because he kept seeing a large dark shadow. Also I have no idea where he is staying. Last time he left he was staying with a raging alcholic with a vicious dog.

Twinklestein Fri 13-Dec-13 22:20:56

If you think he may be suffering some kind of mental breakdown, you could call the mental health crisis team in your area. If the very worst came to the worst he could be sectioned, and then he would be sure of receiving the treatment he needed.

So try not to worry about him (easier said than done I know) because there is support out there if he needs it.

Blossomflowers Sat 14-Dec-13 10:18:29

twinkle I have already done that before and supported him though his last breakdown. He text DS ( still not actually called him) to ask if he would like to go for lunch on Sunday, I asked DS if he wanted to go and said he is not sure.
Well D day today re car let's see what happens. I know he will also want his stuff, I have not had time to bag it up and I don't want him in the house, is that fair?

aaaaaaa Sat 14-Dec-13 10:31:56

Would he drink drive with ds in the car? I don't think id let him go...

Geckos48 Sat 14-Dec-13 10:37:05

Can you give him a bag of stuff?

Blossomflowers Sat 14-Dec-13 11:02:33

Just had a txt from him saying dropping car off at 12ish and said "can't stop" what a self entitled ass hole, what on earth makes hims think I want him to stop. I will not be here when he comes and have asked him to drop keys through the door! What a compete dick.
aaaa no idea if he drink, always has done before.

Blossomflowers Sat 14-Dec-13 11:03:38

Also when I am out today I am going to get some strong bin liners and bag his stuff up and leave in garage he can pick it up ate his leisure.

Twinklestein Sat 14-Dec-13 12:03:38

You've done so much for him OP, but you can't help him now, he's too sick (I know you know that, but I understand that you feel guilty about him).

If there was any chance he would drink drive with your son, I wouldn't let him go.

TwinklesTheXmasFairy Sat 14-Dec-13 12:24:25

Have just sat here and read the entire thread. So glad you are out of this relationship, which was obviously rotten and was affecting you and your DS in such a negative way.

Sending you thoughts of hope and happiness for the rest of this year and next and the start of your new and happier life thanks

Reading it made me think of my dad who was a lot like this, my mum divorced him, had to get an injunction and then he moved away, got a new family and we haven't heard form him in over 10 years.. He was a drug addict, and was very violent to my mum, my sister and me.

Hopefully life picks up after xmas, Its gonna take a while to settle down, but once it does, it will be better for you and you will be pleased and happy to be free of him. Its tough but you're strong and will come through this so much better off.

Good luck and best wishes thanks <hugs>

Blossomflowers Sat 14-Dec-13 13:25:11

Thanks all.
twinkle your mum sounds brave and did the right thing by you all.

Well car is here and keys. I made sure I was not here, I have absolutely no interest in engaging with him. Everytime I have a wobble, I just recall all the horrible things he has said and done. Last time he left I used to engineer ways to seem him, I made it so easy for him to come back without him making any changes. Something has finally changed in my heart. I actually had to laugh out loud this morning as he really thought I wanted to see him. DS does not seem interested to see him tomorrow and I said he should not feel sorry for his dad, easier said than done.
Well a day of sorting out the house and I am going to pack all his things and put them in he garage. Then tonight DS and I are going to decorate tree.

Loggins Sun 15-Dec-13 01:33:04

Well done Blossom! You are so much stronger than you think.
It is his loss, you know that. All you can do is love, protect and support your son and you are doing that brilliantly.
Roll on Monday, you have the right support in place.

Blossomflowers Sun 15-Dec-13 10:58:41

Well finished the tree, DS really did not seem that interested. More keen on txting his friends he has been with all day. aaaah mobiles and teenagers. Spoke with DM last night and told her what really had been going on, I don't want any of the "oh poor X, her is such a nice chap" when she stared to normalise I clearly told her she was speaking bollocks blush.
Ass DS wants to do is spend all day in town with mates. It would so nice if wanted to spend some time with me but hey ho.
Will finish packing asshole's things, bought some strong bin liners yesterday. I keep practising banning thoughts of him in my mind and refer the "list" ( all the horrible vile things he said)
Caught a gimpse of DS text last night and his dad has sent him loads of messages saying how much he loves him, and knew why he had to leave. Still not called him though.

Blossomflowers Mon 16-Dec-13 09:20:27

I am at an all time low, don't know why but I feel totally hopeless, can't stop crying, have no motivation to do anything, not one phone call this weekend from anyone, I feel totally and utterly alone. Spent whole weekend running around after DS, took him for late sunday roast. Watching TV together ladt night he suddenly announces he wants to live with his dad. All crap I suppose but it hurts. His dad has not even bothered to call him since leaving. DS even borrowed my phone yesterday to tell his dad he had not credit and could not txt anymore, Still nothing. I HATE him right now. I feel sick.

ToucheAwayyyyyy Mon 16-Dec-13 09:59:38

Awww, big hugs for you Blossom. I can remember being in your situation and it's rotten....BUT IT WILL GET BETTER. Hold on to that thought.

At the moment your DS is all over the place with his feelings fluctuating, just like yours.
But you are the adult in all this, so stay consistent, and supportive of DS, and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. It will all pass and settle eventually. You've done the hardest bit, so don't give in - stay strong. You may not be able to see us, but there's lots of Mners here all cheering for you. You CAN do this. smile flowers

Blossomflowers Mon 16-Dec-13 10:15:40

touche thanks you are right, you have just made me cry even more, I am feeling so damm sorry for myself. I did not react to DS comments, I get so upset when he keeps txting his dad and expecting him to get in touch. The few people in RL have all told me that he is the problem not me, but still I doubt myself. We have counselling today for DS so hopefully she will help him deal with all this. Wish I could take a pill and make it all go away, I actually feel that if I was not here no one would give a fuck.

Blossomflowers Mon 16-Dec-13 11:50:07

I have just been reading an article about relationship breakdown and how to help children cope. It talks about making kids feel that they are not to blame and not the reason for breakdown of the relationship. Sadly in my case there is very little I can do to hide the fact that in the end the big part of me asking him to leave was because of the damage he was doing to our son and my poor son hearing this. Each time I listen to DS these past 10 days making excuses of why his dad has no called breaks my heart. Any advise on what I can say/do to make it easier gratefully received.

aaaaaaa Mon 16-Dec-13 12:10:26

IME the guilt you feel for taking children away from their dad, is the worst part about splitting up. It is crippling isn't it.

but you are acting in your sons best interests. This is absolutely the right thing to do. Keeping your son in a home with an alcoholic is not ok

one day your son will know that

it does get easier

aaaaaaa Mon 16-Dec-13 12:11:22

You just have to keep reassuring him

Blossomflowers Mon 16-Dec-13 12:19:02

The worst thing is now DS blames me for everything and lashing out, He is almost mimicking his Dad horrible outburst and they make me feel a bit sick. I hope I am not holding out too much hope for his counselling to be beneficial.

aaaaaaa Mon 16-Dec-13 12:30:40

For my kids it was helpful/important for them to know it was normal and ok to be angry

it isn't going to be easy, and he will take time to come to terms with this

i said earlier and you dismissed it...but you would both benefit from AlAnon/Alateen support i think

also, to help understand your sin, a good book is 'Adult Children of Alcoholics'

Blossomflowers Mon 16-Dec-13 12:34:19

Not dismissing it aaaa but DS is getting counselling and I am going to try and seek help to get through this.

aaaaaaa Mon 16-Dec-13 13:49:56

I think its important to learn about your behaviour and role in the relationship when you've been enabling an alcoholic for such a long time. Good luck

Blossomflowers Mon 16-Dec-13 16:56:49

Having the courage to kick him out and stay strong with NC is enough for now. We are going to get through this. Reflecting on why enabled him is not going to help me much atm
DS counseling went really well, he is getting angry that his dad has not bothered to get in touch, I am not sure what was said but he seems to have a bit of a spring in his step. Has decided he is no longer going to chase his dad.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 09:17:38

Well his dad called last night, call lasted 2 minutes. No arrangements to meet and DS. He still has not picked up most of his clothes, need my spare bedroom back. It has been 11 days now bit sure what is protocol for these things.

mistlethrush Tue 17-Dec-13 09:21:49

Short email (with delivery and read receipt) - say that you're going to put it all in the garage where it will be stored until x date, after which point it will be taken to y charity shop because you will assume that he no longer wants it.

Glad that the counselling session seemed to help DS.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 09:30:29

My only concern about the counselling is DS seems to think that thge counsellor thinks his dope smoking is ok, surely not.. I am deeply uncomfortable about my 13 yr old smoking dope, he also said last night that he hopes he will not develop serious MH problems like his dad. so sad. He also is now convinced his dad hates him. Very hard to argue that one after all he had heard. He is now reliving some of the terrible things dad has done and said, sure counselling has provoked this.

My stance is to keep telling DS he is a good kind boy, not a terrible person. His dad should have been proud to have a son like him, instead he has walked away from a good home, great son, partner and his life and it is his loss. We have each other and lots of people that love us.

mistlethrush Tue 17-Dec-13 09:57:40

Can you say that that is one of the problems with an addiction - it makes you do things that are not logical? (re his Dad)

Why does he feel that smoking dope is 'good' for him - can you see if there's something that you could do together that would help - like exercising together for instance?

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 10:22:36

He has been told of the dangers and I have explained emphatically that especially with all going on with (self harming and hearing voices) that smoking will only exagerate this. I am concerned that has iti in his head that counsellor thinks it is ok.

ShimmeringInTheSun Tue 17-Dec-13 11:04:01

Hello again Blossom . You've done so much and come so far since I was last on here. Your strength shines through. smile

Re your boy thinking that dope is 'good' for him. Could you not contact the counsellor, explain your boys belief that he has 'permission' to do so as he says the counsellor says it's ok, and ask them to speak directly to your boy and clarify what was actually said?

mistlethrush Tue 17-Dec-13 11:09:12

I would agree wiht Shimmering - I really can't think that the Counselor really said that - but they clearly need to make themselves clear.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 11:18:08

Shimmer Done exactly that. Am waiting for a call back.

I am doing ok thanks, I have good days and bad days, today is a good day smile the knot in my stomach is not here today. P and I have only communicated by text and mainly about DS and Xmas presents. I am pretty appalled ( though not surprised) that he has made very little to effort with DS, just the odd text oh an 2 minute phone call last night. Have asked him to leave DS presents in garage when we a re out, Just said ok. My god how can someone be so callous and uncaring, Keep telling DS and myself that it is his loss. My poor little boy ( well not so little) happens to be taller than me.
Thinking I would like to change ti name of this thread, to "I have decided not to take it anymore" Is that possible?

Jux Tue 17-Dec-13 11:38:31

MNHQ do sometimes change a thread name, but it would probably be easier and quicker if you just started another with a link to it on this one.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 12:08:33

Thanks Jux I don't what to call a new thread but obviously "not sure I can take it anymore" tis not right anymore, I am not taking anymore shit from him. In some sad way him not making any effort with DS and just happy to abondon everything, makes me feel so much stronger. That actually it was not "me" that was mad, or a bad mother
I find posting on here very helpful, stops me boring family and friends smile. I know today I am feeling better but not going to take it for granted. Life will be a bit of a roller coaster for a while.

mistlethrush Tue 17-Dec-13 13:01:25

Blossom - report your post, ask MN if they would consider editing the title - it can't hurt!

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 13:09:40

I don't want to cause any bother [mistle] if it still annoys me I will start a new one later. Probably a good idea for me to keep re reading for now.

Had a call from counsellor, she most def said she did not give him "permission" to smoke and so I will speak to DS tonight. Has suggested that if we go to hard on him he may revert to self harming. Apparently has not done so since P left, telling I think.

mistlethrush Tue 17-Dec-13 13:16:50

Its not actually that much bother for them to do it I don't think - and if it helps your frame of mind I think that it would at least be worth asking - they can always say no after all!

Re self-harming - I agree very telling that he's not done it since his father left. However, that still doesn't make it right for him to be smoking. If he is at all artistic or doodles, I might even suggest to him to try to start something like Zentangles - I saw these mentioned on a drawing thread the other day and they do look to be a way of focusing on something that's quite small that could be easily finished in say 15 mins that might help him overcome those feelings. I must stress that I do not know anything about SH, but just thought that if he really concentrated on something else for 10, 15 mins it might help move away from those feelings.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 13:45:19

thanks Mistle I will look that up. DS is artistic and I agree that he needs something to distract him. He is spending a lot more time downstairs and not in his room now his dad has gone. I also know very little about self harming in kids but learning fast. P damaged himself very badly a few years ago and DS knows about this now, worried this will escalate into how his dad was.

mistlethrush Tue 17-Dec-13 13:51:12

Might be just the thing then... here

Perhaps P leaving will be the turning point for him - don't dwell on what P did, work on DS and how you can help him. Don't expect anything helpful from P and then you won't be disappointed and might very occasionally be pleasantly surprised.

ShimmeringInTheSun Tue 17-Dec-13 13:59:46

Blossom it's really good that the counsellor got back to you so fast, but I think she really needs to speak directly to your son, rather than the message be passed on through you. That way, your boy cannot feel that you may have changed the message in order to suit what you feel he should do.

I know this sounds odd, but when a child is going through so much, it's surprising just how they can perceive even the smallest of things.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 17-Dec-13 14:00:25

It seems your son is starting to see what his father is like. I think him wanting to live with him previously is coming from desperation to feel wanted. I would be careful about using the counsellor as you don't want your son to think anything he tells you will get back to the therapist. He needs to feel he can trust and talk to both of you.

Consider yourself a lone parent. Don't contact your ex for anything. Let him come to you. Your son will see for himself very soon that his father is doing very little for him.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 14:19:02

mistle brilliant I have just ordered from Amazon, I think he will love it. He loves drawing and I think it will give focus. ( might have a go myself) I used to be arty.

P can go and fuck himself, the only contact is by txt and was all about DS Xmas presents.

shimmer you have a point but I was there as part of counseling and DS knows I know he has been smoking.

toffee sadly very true P can go and fuck himself, the only contact is by txt and was all about DS Xmas presents. I has asked him for nothing except the car, which I now have. Many people think that I cannot cope here alone but quite frankly he did very little to help. I have carried us for years

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 17-Dec-13 14:37:43

flowers

Jux Tue 17-Dec-13 14:50:50

Well done, Blossom. You sound like a different person! People who think you can't cope alone will have another think coming, won't they? How bloody dare they make such assumptions! Show them all! You are a strong woman, and you can do it, have been for years.

thanksthanks

ShimmeringInTheSun Tue 17-Dec-13 14:56:47

flowers flowers flowers

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 15:06:55

oh you lovely ladies with the flowers. It is unbelievable really how much comfort talking to people in cyber space, your support is amazing I really appreciate it. My own family have been very little support, except DS 1 and his partner but do not want to burden them. I can't believe actually how much stronger I feel, I am not going to let him hurt us anymore. I actually humiliated on how I have let him treat me.

Loggins Tue 17-Dec-13 15:11:18

Hey Blossom, it's great to pop on and see how strong you sound! Can't do the flowers on my phone so have a x instead.
Re his stuff, I'd have a big bonfire

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 17-Dec-13 15:14:40

No need for humiliation. You loved him. When you love someone you let things go that you wouldn't take from a stranger as you see the bigger picture. He is the one who should feel humiliated.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 15:16:40

Naughty loggins very tempting thoughgrin.

Blossomflowers Tue 17-Dec-13 15:20:58

You are right of course toffee he should feel deeply ashamed but he won't.

I only hope I can repair the damage he has done to DS and me of course.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 17-Dec-13 17:11:27

Of course he won't feel ashamed, but that isn't your problem. Nothing about him is anymore.

You carry on showing your son love and care. Your ex is the one who needs to do the repairing. Of course he won't so you just carry on loving your son.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 09:27:20

Not such a great day today. Feeling a little overwhelmed for some reason, too much work, Xmas. not wrapped one present yet. Having a drama with DS school as some bullying going on. He want to change tutor group so working with school to resolve, hoping things will settle over Xmas, Also P wants his stuff but will take some time to gather all as spread over the house and just exhuasting and time consuming, time I do not have, Sorry rant over.

mistlethrush Wed 18-Dec-13 09:56:31

Can I join you with the overwhelmed before christmas feel? We have 10 for Christmas dinner. Most of the house is under a pile of 'stuff' that can't necessarily simply be thrown away. DH has, very helpfully, brought loads of things downstairs 'to sort out' but they nearly all actually need to go into the loft (go figure). The house needs a good clean. I've got loads of work to do (so must stop Mning) DS breaks up tomorrow and we've not yet made the biscuit presents (tonight's chore) and also need to make another christmas pudding. And the dog has a bad paw and is on lead walks only - she's going to be going batty. Tree is in a box in the hall.

grin

You can't necessarily do everything. Just work out which is going to be best for you to do now and start that one thing, don't worry about the rest. I would be minded to get a black bin liner and start chucking P's things in it and put it in the garage when you fill each bag - I think it will be cathartic getting that stuff out of your life.

Please make sure you take time for yourself - even if its a quick brew and cake - don't wear yourself out, you've had a lot to cope with.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 10:13:18

Good luck with all that mistle I am glad I am not the only one.

I will get everything done, always do in the end, over the past 20 years I have always done most things by myself and organised everything so don't know what I am feeling like this.

Will start getting his shit together but will do in my time, am not going to dance to his tune anymore.

Going to my very dear friends 40th birthday on Saturday, so am going out later to buy a new outfit, fuck it I need a treat. Then come back a wrap some pressies well it will be a start. Pressie wrapping was actually one of the things P did very well

Jux Wed 18-Dec-13 10:48:32

Blossom, we haven't even got a tree yet! Presents get wrapped once dd has gone off to sing on Xmas eve so no worries there (except we haven't got them all yet); some cards were written yesterday and posted today, but most weren't; most of the food - I think - has at least been decided on, and I have ordered the meat from the butcher so we'll have that if noting else.

Don't worry about Xmas! As you say, it will get done.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 11:38:05

Bloody hell jux you now make me feel super organised grin

I personally am not looking forward to it, my family are rubbish about making decisions, how hard it to decide what days we can get together. Have to keep DM and DD separate as cannot be in the same room, ( they have been divorced 17 years.) My DB and SIL are fighting and vicious, their poor kids. And DS will probably want to sit in his room and play X Box. Happy days.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 11:51:18

Oh and to top it all, DS wants me to buy P an Xmas pressie for his dad. Something I cannot afford, should I? It all a bit raw for this.

mistlethrush Wed 18-Dec-13 13:03:44

I think honesty is the best thing re present 'I'm sorry DS, but I really cannot afford it' You don't need to add 'and I really don't want to waste any more money in that direction' but you can think that secretly. You could also say to DS that P can buy himself that if he wants to if he sells one of his many antiques that he has stocked.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 13:11:23

Thanks mistle just thought I was being mean. But the thought of spending any more money on him makes my blood boil.

mistlethrush Wed 18-Dec-13 13:56:43

No, you're not being mean, you are being a) sensible and b) realistic. You can't afford it. End of (in terms of what you say to your son). And point out that he's got £30k of stuff he can sell to get it himself if he wants it that much, (if he can be bothered to sell anything - again, not to be shared). You might want to stretch to a card. But I wouldn't blame you for not even doing that.

Don't let him (P) walk all over you still just because of DS's misjudged wish to be generous to P.

Jux Wed 18-Dec-13 15:13:21

Sorry, can't remember how old ds is. DD buys presents herself with her pocket money, has been since she was in y5 or 6 - though sometimes I've given lent her a bit extra. She's 14, in y10.

Blossomflowers Wed 18-Dec-13 15:26:22

MY DS is 13, he just feels sorry for dad. I said many times that he has made his choices, he choose not to be part of out family through his actions. It has been nearly 2 weeks and he has only called once, a call that lasted 2 minutes. Lots of txts saying "Just thinking of you mate" "miss you", " love you". I think DS will get it in his own time. It is not for me to engineer the relationship, I have no energy for that anymore, been managing for too long. I just feel such sorry for poor DS

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Wed 18-Dec-13 17:10:12

Hang on, it is the DS that wants a gift for his father. Are you saying the father should sell his stuff to give his son money to buy him a present? That seems reasonable. I misunderstood and then got it I think as I read it blush.

mistlethrush Wed 18-Dec-13 19:02:45

No, I'm suggesting that if the father 'needs' it he can buy it for himself. So its not as if its essential. If DS wants P to have a gift he can get him something he can afford to get from his pocket money - or make something (I'm sure Blossom wouldn't object to some flour and sugar and electricity for some biscuits for instance...)

Blossomflowers Thu 19-Dec-13 09:26:50

Well it has been 2 weeks today and P has still not tried to make any arrangements to see DS. I find it a bit incredible really. I know if I txted P and said he should meet him he probably would but I don't think I should.
mistle good idea about biscuits. I am going to give DS his allowance tomorrow and he is going into town. What he spends his money on his his choice.
Today is a better day, beautiful sunny day and saw a deer bounding across the field on the school run.

Also listening to the news about that poor girl Jayden and how heart broken her family must be, puts things into perspective really, just imagine having to go through something like that sad

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 19-Dec-13 17:40:30

I saw the news too with the footage of the accused and it is just terrible. Obviously awful at any time of year but especially at Christmas with it being such a family time for lots of people.

I worry about the world I have brought my three children in to to be honest.

Blossomflowers Fri 20-Dec-13 09:24:01

I sat on my own all last night DS in bedroom doing teenage stuff. I felt a great sense of loneliness and loss BUT I asked myself the question would I want him sitting here next to me the answer was no.

Gave DS his allowance this morning so if he chooses to spend on his dad then so be it, but can't help feeling angry that for all the shitty horrible things P has said and done to DS he still sees his dad as a victim. My emotions are all over the place right now. How to do a supermarket shop later and seeing couples together make me irrationally angry.

Loggins Wed 25-Dec-13 01:05:48

Hey Blossom
I hope you have a very Happy Christmas x

Jux Wed 25-Dec-13 01:51:59

Blossom, ds' emotions are all over the place atm too. I doubt he has any real idea of what he actually feels, and it will be different from one moment to the next. At his age, he knows there are emotions you can give full rein to, and emotions you are expected to control.

I hope your Christmas is peaceful and happy, despite everything. smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now