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Female 'Friend'

(46 Posts)
ItsAlmostPerfect Mon 21-Oct-13 23:09:04

Hi, need some opinions,

I've been seeing my boyfriend about 4 months, we've know each other about 8 months, we met through work. We do manage to spend alot of time together but its hard because we both work shifts. Everything has been pretty much perfect.

However there is a female in his life whose relationship makes me uncomfortable. A female 'friend' we'll call Jamie, the first night I stayed at his, we were in bed but looking at stuff on the internet and he called me 'Jamie' but i let it slide, these things happen and I didn't want to make an issue of it as long as it was only the once. A few days later he was texting and I could see it was to a 'Jamie' and the texts had lots of kisses on, which made me raise an eyebrow but again I left it. Every so often if he opens his message inbox next to me I can see they've text recently, he he'll close it quickly. When he's texting her he moves away or turns his phone so I cant see.

We went out for my birthday recently and I posted a status on facebook which she liked (we're not friends but I'd tagged my BF). He saw and said he was surprised she liked it. So I took the opportunity to ask him who she is and he told me a close friend, that's just got engaged, and she wants to meet me, but I felt he was skipping out on telling me something.

Yesterday I was at his and he sat on the other sofa when he always sits next to me and sent this long text, I could tell it was her. I asked him what he was doing and he said writing, and I was like writing what and he said a story and tried to make a joke of it. He sat next to me and his phone went off again so I asked him who he was texting. He said 'Jamie' I knew I was right, said she was inviting him to her engagement party. I just don't understand why he was so cagey about it. So I spent the rest of the night in a bit of a strop because I don't want to seem like that kind of girlfriend that has issues with him having female friends so i didn't say anything but I feel like I can't ignore it anymore.

I just feel like there's something he's not telling me about this Jamie girl and I don't know why he's always so cagey about her, he doesn't hide his phone when he's texting anyone else. I don't think any of it would bother me if he hadn't called me by her name that first night.

Do I sound like I'm just being a mental girlfriend? Should I carry on ignoring it? Or should I ask him if there's something he's not telling me? And if so how do I approach the subject?

Sorry that was longer than I expected.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 23:11:25

If you're not comfortable with his cagey behaviour around this person and you've only been seeing him a few months, why not just end it? Save yourself a lot of bother.

ItsAlmostPerfect Mon 21-Oct-13 23:15:31

Also, he went to meet a friend in town the other day and I think it might have been her. He'll usually tell me who it is that he's seeing but this time he just said 'a friend from x' which is where shes from.

ItsAlmostPerfect Mon 21-Oct-13 23:17:20

Cogito... beacuse other than that there's been no other problems, he's been great and I don't want this thing to ruin it.

CharityFunDay Mon 21-Oct-13 23:18:51

Presumably you'll be a 'plus one' on his invite to the engagement party, so you'll have a chance to observe them interacting at close quarters.

And if you're not his 'plus one', and he goes without you, then he's not worth the effort.

ItsAlmostPerfect Mon 21-Oct-13 23:20:31

Charity He did ask me if I was working that day, but he didn't actually invite me as such.

RadagastTheBrown Mon 21-Oct-13 23:26:45

You certainly aren't being a mental girlfriend, that's for sure. I have a DW and have always had loads of female friends and not once have I ever acted the way your boyfriend is doing.

One of the things that concerns me most is that you've not met the 'OW' yet. It is, of course, totally possible that your BF's relationship with Jamie is entirely above board and they are just really good friends. However, if that were the case, you would have met her by now.

One last thing, I've called my DW by an ex's name a few times but never by a friend's name - that's plain odd.

MichaelBoobleBloodbath Mon 21-Oct-13 23:27:01

Hmmm

Gut reaction - either

1) they've shagged at one point and still have a flirty relationship
2) they haven't ever shagged but she is the 'one who got away'
3) they are best friends but he thinks you can't handle that

Don't know which. Doesn't really matter. If she is engaged then in theory unless he is holding a candle then she shouldn't be a threat. Unless she likes the idea of him dangling and doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to either.

But the constant texting and moreover the secrecy involved would piss me off regardless.

CharityFunDay Mon 21-Oct-13 23:30:55

Charity He did ask me if I was working that day, but he didn't actually invite me as such.

Well, make sure you're free that day then!

In the meantime, you could possibly start talking about Jamie -- it strikes me you don't know very much about her or her relationship with your OH.

If it's all perfectly innocent, then you'd imagine he'd be happy to talk about her -- particularly if you're going to meet her.

ItsAlmostPerfect Mon 21-Oct-13 23:59:00

Radagast - Thanks that reassures me on the mental side. I expect to meet her one day, I'm not surprised that I've not met her yet, maybe if they saw a lot of each other then yes, but as far as I'm aware other than that once I don't think he's seen her.
Yeah that's what I thought, I assumed at that point it was an ex but he hasn't said she is.

Michael yeah I was thinking something along the lines of point 2) maybe point 1) ... Its mainly the secrecy that pisses me off.

Charity Yes I will, even if I have to use annual leave. You're right I don't know much. He's told me; she's a close friend, he used to work with her at his old base, that she got engaged recently, and that her sister and mum live a few streets away from him. Not sure how I'd bring up a conversation about her though?

CharityFunDay Tue 22-Oct-13 00:53:30

You could just mention that you've booked the relevant day off work, say how much you're looking forward to meeting his friend and say something like: "So, tell me more about her then ..." and see where he goes with it. You don't let him rattle off a monologue obviously, you get involved and ask further questions. Who wouldn't be interested in their boyfriend's friends?

You could even do a little psychological profiling by asking what sort of present she might like to mark her engagement...

ItsAlmostPerfect Tue 22-Oct-13 01:17:20

Charity thank you for the advice, I will try something like that when I see him next. The present idea is very good. smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Oct-13 06:53:05

You say it's the secrecy that's the problem and I think that's the elephant in the room. People who are secretive generally have something to hide. Holding private text conversations when your very new girlfriend is in the same room is the equivalent of whispering. The friend herself is almost irrelevant... it's his behaviour that's the issue.

JustBecauseICan Tue 22-Oct-13 06:59:31

Do you do anything other than sit texting other people while you're together? confused

The interchange which most makes me hmm is the one where he tells you all about Jamie....in response to a "who is this random who has just liked something on my FB" he needs to tell you she's just got engaged.

That shows he thinks/knows that you wouldn't be comfortable with the level of his relationship with Jamie.

I can't imagine sitting texting my best friend when I'm with my relatively new boyfriend....or actually, I can in a Bridget Jonesey kind of way. (Which is not good)

The secrecy would piss me off too. Perhaps next time he behaves like that when he's texting her tell him that behaving like that makes him look dodgy, even if he has absolutely nothing to hide. I wonder if he's like that because his friendship has caused problems with GFs before and he's trying to hide things for that reason?

superstarheartbreaker Tue 22-Oct-13 07:21:14

I would come straight put with it and say ' why do you slwsys sct so cagey when jamie texts.' If his reaction is ott then I would have my suspicion s.

ALittleStranger Tue 22-Oct-13 07:50:11

I think you're justified in asking some questions. It's normal to ask for background on a new BF's friends anyway, not to snoop but just out of interest in their life. Ask why it's surprising she "liked" your status, ask if they've ever gone out, ask if he likes her fiancee, ask if girlfriends have been jealous of Jamie in the past? There are loads of natural ways to bring this up - you must have been biting your lip up to now! My punt is that she's an ex girlfriend and they've stayed very close.

If this is him being "secretive" he's crap at it though. I agree it's more like whispering.

I don't think him mentioning "she's engaged" is that much of a red flag. I have a very close male friend and made sure my boyfriend knew he was gay pretty sharpish, just to close down any worry in his mind. (Although being engaged doesn't proclude anything).

However, I have also acted just like him in the past and been secretly shagging said "friend". The key question for me would be how long he's known her, if it's a new friendship I'd be far more concerned. But I also have male friends I text a lot etc and there's nowt going on. You just need to probe.

123bucklemyshoe Tue 22-Oct-13 08:04:27

From another perspective.....I have a male friend (one of a few). I am v open with my DH about it & he is just a good friend, no more. My friends DW is less comfortable & gives him a hard time so he says less.. chicken & egg really, & I think as she is uncomfortable he says less therefore she becomes more unhappy. We now see each other rarely which is a real shame.
If you really like him talk to him about it. It is possible tohave friends of other sexes if openness & trust is there....

ItsAlmostPerfect Tue 22-Oct-13 12:14:47

Just neither of us text other people very often but as sometimes I spend whole weekends or several days with him, and we're together the entire time its not unreasonable that either of us text friends.
Yeah I couldn't quite tell if it was a defensive or an informative thing way that he said it.

Livid I don't like secrets, I wish I'd said something last time, I might wait till next time he does it.

Superstar - I've been thinking about doing that, thought about texting him something along those lines, but maybe it should be a face to face convo.

ALittleStranger - I couldn't think of what to say at the time, I was just a bit hmm . Thought about those kind of questions a little while later but then thought it was seem a bit random. Especially about the fb comment.

123 That's the thing if he was open about it and there's nothing more too it then I have no problem with him having female friends. I have a few good male friends but I tell him if I'm going to see them and I'd like to think he's ok with that.

SarahBumBarer Tue 22-Oct-13 12:28:13

I definitely think it would be best to raise the issue at a point when he is actually texting Jamie/behaving off-key because then you can point out his behaviour is different to when he is texting other friends. You can also ask him whether the reason for this is because he has had previous girlfriend's make an issue of his friendship.

Kaluki Tue 22-Oct-13 12:44:19

What is your gut feeling. Don't ignore that - it is very powerful.
When I met DP he had an ex gf who he was still 'friends' with. He used to help her out with odd jobs, lifts etc. When he met me she kept liking everything we did on FB, on our first Valentines Day together she sent him a text saying "Remember this time last year? ... xxxx" shock. Although he thought it was all innocent I wasn't happy and told him it was her or me ... he chose me. She sent me a vile message on FB calling me a psycho jealous bitch etc etc. We both blocked her and have never seen her since.

Jan45 Tue 22-Oct-13 12:52:05

Ask him would he like it if you were carrying on like this, I doubt it, and if it's like this after four months then I don't give much hope of a future, he's clearly disrespecting you which indicates he's not that fussed about making sure the relationship is all good and by all good that means not making you feel insecure and unimportant.

OvertiredandConfused Tue 22-Oct-13 13:14:09

I'd be upfront with him. Tell him you find it weird how he behaves about Jamie with you. Explain that you have no issue with him having a female friend and seeing / contacting her sometimes without involving you BUT that it shouldn't need to be secretive and tat you'd like to know a bit more and meet her and her fiancé.

If it's innocent then he'll be relieved, realise he's been a bit of a knob and relax. If he doesn't do that either it's not innocent or he's not the sort of guy you should waste anymore time on.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 22-Oct-13 13:18:44

Do you want to be in a long-term relationship with a man who is less than honest and upfront about things?

I know I wouldn't.

You're just dating this guy and he's already making you feel unhappy.

What are you hanging around for?

There are plenty of guys out there who won't make you feel insecure about their friendships.

ItsAlmostPerfect Tue 22-Oct-13 13:24:28

Sarah Yeah I think it might be easier that way.

Kaluki My gut feeling is that she's an ex of some sort and he's still emotionally attached to her or something like that?
Your DPs ex sounds like she has some issues, I'm assuming your DP broke up with her?

Dahlen Tue 22-Oct-13 13:24:31

Call him on it. This could be innocent. If he's had a partner in the past who was very unhappy about him having a friendship with a woman, he may assume you're the same and be acting defensively. If this 'Jamie' has a lifestyle/personality that he thinks you may not be happy about, that may also explain it. Or he could fancy her - whatever. If you ask him you may just get a straight answer, but either way his reaction will tell you a lot and it will be out in the open.

BuzzardBirdBloodBath Tue 22-Oct-13 13:33:05

He is enjoying taunting you like this. He is doing the whole 'secrecy' thing deliberately. If he wanted to be with her he wouldn't be with you.
I went through this for 6 years with my 'x' and can honestly say it made me miserable and I wish now I had dumped him sooner.
She enjoyed it and he enjoyed it. They were both very cruel. I suffered.
You deserve better.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 22-Oct-13 13:38:39

"If he's had a partner in the past who was very unhappy about him having a friendship with a woman, he may assume you're the same and be acting defensively."

That's not innocent!

That's thinking badly of all women and assuming they are unreasonable, jealous harridans because of woman woman you once knew.

4 months in, it doesn't matter a shite WHY he's being such a dick about this.

It just matters that he is.

SusieSusieSheep Tue 22-Oct-13 13:40:50

Just to add to the chorus, I agree that people are secretive when they have secrets. Best case scenario is that he is hiding something, then it's a question of what.

ItsAlmostPerfect Tue 22-Oct-13 13:41:54

Jan I've not brought it up with him yet, so I don't think he's aware that there's an issue. He doesn't make me feel insecure or unimportant, just uncomfortable with this one thing.

Join I don't know if he's being less than honest, he's not told me any lies, he just hasn't told me much atall. I'd like to think if (when) I have this conversation with him he'll be honest about it. Other than this he makes me very happy, he's been the most considerate and loving boyfriend that I've had.

Dahlen Tue 22-Oct-13 13:48:54

That's thinking badly of all women and assuming they are unreasonable, jealous harridans because of woman woman you once knew.

I disagree with that. I am in total agreement that it's an unhealthy dynamic, but it could just as easily be a case of not being ready to trust/have a relationship than any kind of active misogyny. No different from a once abused woman in a new relationship fearing that her new partner is going to hurt her when she is going to bring up a difficult subject.

I wouldn't tolerate it and I wouldn't let it pass, but I think it's not always the case that people are intentionally attempting to mislead or put down. Some people are just damaged or insecure and defensive.

Either way, that short a time into the relationship I could not be arsed to bother getting to the bottom of it if a full and frank discussion didn't put it to bed first time.

ItsAlmostPerfect Tue 22-Oct-13 13:49:25

I don't even think he's aware that I think he's being
secretive, I just think he thinks I haven't noticed anything. So in his head the first time I know anything of her is the fb thing and the texts about the engagement invite.

123bucklemyshoe Tue 22-Oct-13 14:18:20

Tell him how you feel.. so you show him how to be open. In a way being on here and telling us and not telling him is parallel to what he is doing. What's the worst that can happen?
(Just don't do it in a way that is you can't have any women in you life apart from me...wink

Pobblewhohasnotoes Tue 22-Oct-13 15:13:18

In also wondering if there's history between them.

Thing is, if she is just a friend there's no need for the secrecy is there?

He's being cagey for a reason. Maybe they slept together once and he is worried about you finding out, or maybe he has feelings for her. Whatever it is, you need to find out. If people are just friends, they don't text on the quiet and make their OH's feel insecure.

Kaluki Tue 22-Oct-13 16:01:08

Yes he did finish with her then met me 6 months later. I was uneasy about her from the start but about 6 months into our relationship I said enough is enough and he told her to back off. He was just too kind and naive to see what she was up to.
That's why I say trust your gut instinct

123bucklemyshoe Tue 22-Oct-13 19:02:07

We are all coloured by our own experiences as you can see from the variety of posts in here & interpret behaviour accordingly. One person's secrecy is another's privacy. There may or may not have been something between them in the past (& she has just got engaged to someone else) - she may be his long lost twin sister....you won't know until you talk to him & he won't know how you feel....& as you said he is considerate & loving.....

ItsAlmostPerfect Wed 23-Oct-13 01:25:11

Thank you all for your advice, I'll work on how to bring it up when I see him next and I'll let you know what happens. smile

GhettoPrincess001 Wed 23-Oct-13 09:34:06

It's concerning that he's cagey when texting 'Jaimey'. I can't help but wonder if he's miffed that she's got engaged i.e. not to him. Going to her engagement party (with him ? Certainly not without him though !) will be telling.

Other than that, he might just have some growing up to do. Basically what will he be cagey about next time ? Money etc ?

Flora5 Wed 23-Oct-13 18:09:39

Send her a FB request and see who reacts most. Surely your friends are his and vice versa?

ItsAlmostPerfect Thu 24-Oct-13 20:24:17

So just an update if anyone wants to know.

we talked... Mainly because he's working on the night of her engagement party so we can't go, but asked if I wanted to go meet her the week before. So I asked him outright who she was too him, and he said just a close friend. I told him about calling me her name and he said he wished I'd told him at the time, he doesn't remember doing it or know why. There's never been anything between them, she's just a close friend, he let me see his message history and it says about her hoping I can come to the engagement party. He reassured me and said he didn't even realise about hiding his phone. He also told me to tell him if anything like that bothers me again, I should just ask him. smile

Still don't know how you'd call same one by a close friends name, an ex maybe but a close friend? Oh well

RadagastTheBrown Thu 24-Oct-13 22:01:35

Fingers crossed for you both. One last bit of advice from an old man is to trust your gut instinct - if it feels right to you then it generally is but if it doesn't then you know what to do.....

GhettoPrincess001 Fri 25-Oct-13 00:24:25

Thanks for the update IAP. Sounds like you have better communication with him now. I hope you feel confident asking in future, not guilty for coming across as a nag. Hypothetical question: if you got engaged to each other, would you be comfortable with her coming to the party ? (If there was one, obviously). His keenness for her to come to such an event could be quite telling. Unless by that point in time you're 'over it' with her.

Or 'house warming' if you moved in with each other or any other, 'big deal' occasion that was to do with you both as a couple ?

ItsAlmostPerfect Fri 25-Oct-13 07:13:45

Ghetto Yes I'd be fine now with her coming to anything like that, now that we've talked about it. She's his only proper female friend and he's very keen for me to be friends with her as well. I feel much more comfortable about their friendship, especially as he showed me his messages and it looks like she's keen to meet me too.

123bucklemyshoe Fri 25-Oct-13 10:36:01

Well that sounds great & I have to fess up I once called an old bf by another friends name.....& there was nothing going on...

Meerka Fri 25-Oct-13 13:41:21

Ive done it too ahem ... more than once ..... Or I have to stop and think for a few moments before getting his name. Husband knows he can trust me though, thank god, and he just laughs lots now and asks me if I'd like to try any more before getting the right one. Get sisters' names mixed up too. And I still call a married friend by her single surname 10 years on without realising ....

Silly thing is, 4 year old son does the same. Calls the wrong men (and sometimes me!) Papa.

ItsAlmostPerfect Fri 25-Oct-13 23:09:19

Yea my mum quiet often goes through all the wrong siblings names before getting to the right one.

It happens, it by its self wasn't a major issue... just in combination with everthing else, but its all sorted.

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