Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Im not sure how to handle this...

(33 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 00:33:35

Dd 21. Her bf has spent the last 11 years in & out of prison. He's 25.

They've been together 4 years. He's a control freak. Hes gets physical as does she. Terrible arguments even whilst he was in prison. She has a good job, will be fully qualified in her field in another year. He's never had a job.

She won't leave him. He came out of prison last Friday. He's been at my house ever since. They didn't ask me if he could stay. If I tell her to leave, he'll have total control of her. I don't want him here. I don't get on very well with dd. She treated me very badly a few months ago- I was quite shocked at how horrible she was to me even though I've seen her treat friends badly I was still shocked by how she treated me.

She's 21. A grown up- is it time to let her go & lie in the bed she's made? or do I continue to support her in every respect even though i totally disagree with the choices she is making?

What would you do?

MaMattoo Mon 21-Oct-13 00:40:47

Tricky. Perhaps someone will come by with a saner reply.
I would not let her go. 21is perfect to make mistakes you have to live with.
If you don't like him, he probably knows. Hang on and see if he gives up just to get rid of you.
Used to with in a YOI, the sense of loyalty is at an all time high when young men are in, it dies a quick death after release...
I may be right off the mark with my advice..but I think giving up based on an age dies not seem right..'

tribpot Mon 21-Oct-13 00:41:05

Christ. He sounds bloody awful.

I think ultimately you are enabling the relationship by letting them both stay - presumably you are funding them? Do you honestly think he has less control over in your house than elsewhere? It's possible that a few months having to survive on their own could spell the end of this awful relationship, although unfortunately I can see him bleeding her dry financially.

Ultimately there is nothing you can do. I don't think you should have to share a house with this guy just because she wants to.

I'm hoping eventually she will recover from this, OP. But it sounds like it could be a long journey.

bigbrick Mon 21-Oct-13 00:41:42

Your dd bf shouldn't be staying if he's not asked you. Can you ask your dd what the plan is for them. Hope you can work this out ok with her

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 00:50:24

My point about how dd treated me doesn't make sense but its relevant as I wouldn't ever treat her the way she treated me.

She's aways been very vocal or honest! I love how brave & determined she is but she's quite brutal at times.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 01:00:10

Thanks for the replies. Dd nor the bf know how I feel about him. Only my ds24 knows how I really feel.

I am funding them to an extent.

Possibly the best thing would be to 'force' them to move out. I have no illusions that my relationship with dd is strong enough to cope with her bf influence, should he turn against me. He thinks im a bit 'dippy& blond'.

I've been very calculated about the bf but I thought he was going to get a long stretch on Friday... 7 years. I had spoken to dd about what she was going to do if he was found guilty. She wasn't going to wait.

Honestly even his barrister was shocked!

trianglecirclesquare Mon 21-Oct-13 01:10:41

I would tell her that bf needs to move out - this is your house and you did not agree to him moving in. Tell her that you fully understand she may want to move out and be with him. If you're in a position to help financially, offer that. If not, help her hunt for places, maybe go down the estate agent with her or search online? Just to keep up the goodwill. Buy them a housewarming present. Let her go, but let her know that she can always come home if she needs to. You can't make her leave him; you can only wait until she realises that she has to leave. You just want her to know she can count on you once she comes to that realisation.

GilmoursPillow Mon 21-Oct-13 03:39:53

OP, are you the lady whose DD was against your pregnancy and giving you grief over it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 07:12:32

I'm not at all sure he has total control over her. What's certain is that the pair of them seem to have too much control over you. You describe her as 'vocal and honest' ... but it sounds like she's just a bully. So stand up for yourself, tell him to leave, tell her you don't like the guy and, if she chooses to go with him, that's just a chance you have to take.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 07:43:46

Yes Gilmour.
That went on until September. I told her to like it or lump itvin end. Things aren't the way they were. Better and more distant. She has stuff she to do around house etc.

Oh he has a scary level of control over dd- its not subtle either! I thought I hsd seen some control freaks in my time but this guy is something else. What she does, eats, wears, friends absolutely everything.

I will be telling her he can't stay. They both know I dont want him here-they both left before I was up today at 6.45. I realise I am facilitating the relationship.

WinkyWinkola Mon 21-Oct-13 08:16:00

He was expecting a 7 year stretch in prison? Gosh. What did he do?

I just wouldn't allow someone like that in my home. Do you feel safe op?

Your dd should aim higher in love. Can you talk to her at about the freedoms that should exist within a normal relationship?

Will her association with this creep affect her career? Is he likely to reoffend?

Roshbegosh Mon 21-Oct-13 08:26:07

I would put up with it until she finishes her studies and at least she can support herself after that. She may not be so inclined to support him so hopefully it will reach its own ending. If you throw them out now she may quit her studies and then her independence and choices in future will be seriously reduced.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 21-Oct-13 08:36:34

Poor you op. what a situation to be in!

I don't think you should have him there. Somebody with that lifestyle will bring trouble to your door. Make sure your dd knows she's welcome to stay and he can visit but that he can't live there.

At some point you have to let her love with the consequences of the choice she's made to be with him. Possibly things have got to hit rock bottom for her to want to leave him.

Awful for you I know. Are you pregnant now op? If so, you need a calm household. Having him there will cause you stress and tension even if you feel like you're coping with it. Are you able to fully relax when he's there?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 09:52:35

Thanks for the replies.

Im 26:weeks pregnant & no I can't relax or sleep properly. ..bloody 3am when I dropped off up at 645.

He was on a third strike so basically he's committed the same crime repeatedly. Hes not dangerous just stupid!

Dd is incredibly lucky as she is a very well paid apprentice. Possibly one of the best in the uk & she's not short of money but its expensive where we are in the uk.

Im sure in time she'll look back & realise how crap he was but there's no getting through to her. She's good looking, intelligent etc. When it comes to the bf, she's totally indifferent to anyone's opinion or point of view.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 21-Oct-13 10:02:26

At 26 weeks pregnant I think he needs to go and unfortunately, if that means she goes too, so be it. I feel for you but she is old enough to understand why he can't be in your family home. God, at 26 weeks pregnant I wouldn't want my dd's bf moving in, even if he was great and a positive influence!!! If they want to love together they can move out....

Look after yourself and your unborn dc xx

ImperialBlether Mon 21-Oct-13 10:56:23

Oh he'll know you don't like him. He will have gathered that from the tiniest clues.

She does sound like a bully and in a way I wonder whether that will protect her in the end from being controlled by him. Does she do exactly as he wants or does she rebel?

bigbrick Mon 21-Oct-13 11:01:41

Agree with mammadiggingdeep. Your dd is being very selfish to impose her bf on you like this.

noddyholder Mon 21-Oct-13 11:04:17

He needs to go to start with. Just tell them it sounds horrendous and why should he have the benefit of all you work for when he has repeatedly been in prison and learned nothing?

ImperialBlether Mon 21-Oct-13 11:34:48

So he was found innocent of a crime that would have got him 7 years and even his own barrister was amazed?

Does he have a probation officer at the moment?

Do you have a partner, OP?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 19:09:43

Sorry...just in from work stuff...

Yes he has a probation officer. I have a dp who loathes dd bf. He totally disagrees about the bf & given half a chance would throw the bf out.

Dd doesn't rebel against her bf, she conforms.
The bf has no idea how I feel. When I told my ds how I felt about the bf he was really shocked.

Im considering offering to set dd up in a flat. Ive just helped ds & his gf so it wouldn't seem to odd a thing to offer dd. But I want her to be able to keep the flat after the bf goes to prison again. He will end up in prison as he doesn't know any other way.

He would have got 7 years as it would have been his 3rd conviction of the same crime in just under 4 yesrs. 'Third strike' was how his barrister referred to it. The barrister was very brutal& said as soon as his previous became known to the jury, it would go against him...it didn't!

Would I be mad to do the flat thing? Any other suggestions? Im exhausted thinking about it!

Roshbegosh Mon 21-Oct-13 19:13:55

But the jury aren't told about previous convictions until after the verdict is decided.

Do the flat thing if you can afford it and it's worth it to you to get them out of your hair.

IComeFromALandDownUnder Mon 21-Oct-13 19:17:24

Yes you would be mad to help set them up in a flat together as a) you don't like the bf and b) your daughter does not deserve it. Tell your daughter he cannot stay any more. It is up to her whether she wants to move out or not. I do not know any parent who would allow a controlling convict to stay in their house. Best of luck op!

WinkyWinkola Mon 21-Oct-13 19:26:53

Yes. Mad to do the flat thing. Don't.

Get the bf to leave.

forumdonkey Mon 21-Oct-13 19:30:24

The way I see it whether they stay or go she intends to remain with him. I wouldn't have a known convicted criminal staying in my home. You say his crimes are 'silly' rather than dangerous, but his crimes are enough to incarcerate him. I wouldn't want to be associated with the local car theft or burglar and for that reason he wouldn't set foot over my threshold never mind live at my address. If it was me I would tell DD he is no longer welcome to stay and if she chooses to leave with him just make sure you leave the door open for your daughter.

I hope for your sake he gets locked up for a long time and while he is away your DD enjoys her freedom and makes new friends, leaves him and doesn't look back.

Corygal Mon 21-Oct-13 19:33:29

How long do you think it will be before he is inside again?

Twinklestein Mon 21-Oct-13 19:43:04

I think you should aim at some later point to give your daughter the same help as you gave your son, but I would defer it. You'll end up enabling their relationship even more.

If she has to find her own accommodation, she will have to share with other people & that will make her a) a bit safer than being on her own with him & b) it will make the relationship less cushy to maintain.

You say he's not dangerous OP, but all controlling men are dangerous, even ones who haven't 'got physical' as he has in your words, or been to prison. That's not what you want to hear when you're pregnant, but it can't be avoided.

Tulip26 Mon 21-Oct-13 19:54:32

Is he likely to reoffend? The problem may solve itself if he ends up going to prison in the future.

I think you need to think of yourself and your baby first. You daughter is an adult and your relationship with her will improve when the baby comes and she gets to play "big sister."

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:08:31

Of course he will re offend! He's been in & out prison or young offenders institutions since he was 14. Last time he lasted 6 months before ending up back in prison.

Dd has been with him 4years & about 3 different sentences, the longest being two & half years. I can't stop her seeing him. In fact there is nothing more I can think of. I've tried every tactic but she wants to be with a criminal, ultimately I have to learn to tolerate her choice.

I wasn't in the court-dd told me about the CPS bringing up his history. I didn't think they were allowed to thst but I think it was relevant & thsts why it was allowed to be used by the CPS.

Dd is already a 'big sister'. The new baby is not very significant in her life.

Thanks for all the suggestions. At least I know I've tried & now I have to resign myself to the situation.

TerrorTremor Mon 21-Oct-13 20:18:08

How long have they been together?

Has she just been horrible since she has been with him?

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 20:23:26

They've been together 4 years.
I only met him about two & half years ago.

Dd has always been difficult, even as a young child. The whole situation with the bf has made it even more difficult.

Chocydoo Mon 21-Oct-13 20:28:08

Ive been your daughter. The only person that can change her life is her. You can tell her til you are sick of your own voice but she wont leave him until she is ready. And she will.....
Just let her know you are there and dont argue with her about it. It will only push her closer to him. Im so sorry, you must feel helpless. She obv has no idea how scared you are for her.

Shellywelly1973 Mon 21-Oct-13 21:09:20

Thanks Chocydoo. I know your right...

Nottalotta Tue 22-Oct-13 09:02:04

Don't set them up in a flat, that would be making life far too easy. Kick him out and send him on his wayvto the council. Tell her she can stay and that while you understand she wants to be with him,.you would like her to stay at least til shes done with her studies.

The council either won't help him or will put him in a hostel. Hopefully he will reoffend soon and he will be accommodated by Her Madge!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now