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Sister wins lots of money but unwilling to treat anyone.

(83 Posts)
songlark Sun 20-Oct-13 20:44:15

I know its hers to do with what she wants but as her only sister I expected something off her. I know for a fact that if it had been me I would have got more joy from treating her than the actual win itself. She's not won a fortune but £150.000 is hardly peanuts either. The thing that really irks me is, throughout all our adult lives she has always been terrible with money and I've always helped her out by lending her money, never knowing when I'm getting it back, even though I didn't have much myself. I've always helped out with minding her children when she was stuck. Basically I've just always been there for her. Then the other week she phoned to say she'd won about 150 grand, I was over the moon for her but as the days went by she's telling me all the things she's going to do with the money. Now I could understand this more if she'd decided to bank the money or invest for a rainy day, but it seems like she's going to have a right good spend up. I just feel very hurt that she she has no intention of treating me, not even a night out. Am I being presumptuous in expecting my sister to treat me. Makes me wonder what anyone else would do if it were them that got such a windfall?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Oct-13 20:47:05

You're not being unreasonable but, rather than hoping and wishing for something to happen, maybe be a little bolder.... 'now you'll be able to see me right for all those times I've lent you a few quid or helped you out with the kids.' Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

smokinaces Sun 20-Oct-13 20:52:39

I thought you meant £150, in which case i was going to say leave her alone, but £150k? I would say "ah fab, whens our night out for celebrations then?" and see what she says! If I won that amount I would certainly give some to my siblings, not a huge amount, but some.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 20-Oct-13 20:57:02

And, I'm afraid, if she doesn't see the need to include you in celebrating her windfall, I would be very circumspect in future when the dosh is all gone about lending her money or being generous with anything, in fact. As we sow, so shall we reap.

Smartiepants79 Sun 20-Oct-13 20:59:50

I would definitely treat my sister.
It's a bit mean of her. And thoughtless. If all she is planning to do is spend it on 'stuff' a bit for family isn't too much to ask in my opinion.

EachDay Sun 20-Oct-13 21:00:07

I don't know. If My DSis had such a wind fall I honestly don't think I would expect anything. Mind you I don't think she'd fritter it away, I'd expect her to use it to make her family secure.

If I won it I wouldn't tell a soul grin

notanyanymore Sun 20-Oct-13 21:00:29

YABU, its her money to do with as she wishes. Its a shame she doesn't want to treat you, but equally you shouldn't expect her to either. Plus, you don't actually know that she won't yet either.

MajesticWhine Sun 20-Oct-13 21:01:11

If you actually have to ask her to take you out for a drink to celebrate, that's not going to be a whole lot of fun is it? I would forget about it - but learn your lesson, don't ever help her out again.

Putitonthelist Sun 20-Oct-13 21:02:06

Money always bring the worse out in people. If I won that amount of money I would treat my siblings to a holiday of a lifetime/new car or give them at least 10k. It's the root of all evil and it's sad that she's not even asked what she can do for you. Shame on her.

Mellowandfruitful Sun 20-Oct-13 21:04:47

You can't make her but you can say no when, in the future, she asks to borrow money. Which she will. It is mean and thoughtless of her to not even say she will take all the family out for a posh meal. But you will do better in the end as it sounds like she is terrible with money, thus will be back to square one in about five years.

Mellowandfruitful Sun 20-Oct-13 21:06:45

Have just worked out roughly what I would do with £150k and it involves putting about half on the mortgage, having a nice holiday and then saving the rest. But everyone in the family would have amazing Christmas presents this year. And I would certainly pay anyone back for money they had lent me in the past.

Viviennemary Sun 20-Oct-13 21:08:30

I thought you meant £150 as well and thought well she probably wants to treat herself first as it won't go that far. But £150K is a huge amount by anyone's standards. But it is a sad fact that some people do only think of themselves. Let's hope your sister isn't one of these and is planning some sort of treat for the family.

MysteriousHamster Sun 20-Oct-13 21:11:25

I wouldn't give my brother anything, but then he hasn't been there for me as you have your sister. I can understand why you feel a little bit put out, but really it's her money and not a huge amount in some ways (eg if she wants it for a house).

YANBU to feel hurt.
YABU to be expecting anything from her - she has prior form for not being generous with her own money and in fact needing to borrow from you. It would be more of a surprise if she was different now tbh.

Does she owe you anything still? "Congratulations, sis, that's allow you to pay me the £££ you owe me back" would be appropriate in that case.

NotScared Sun 20-Oct-13 21:16:39

I can see your point. She sounds hopeless with cash tbh.

Maybe she does have something planned? How long ago did she win it?

Exdh and I once won a few K, no more than 10 though. We took our closest family out in a limo to a posh hotel for a slap up meal. It was so special as my mother had always wanted to go in a limo (wasn't so popular then) and we surprised her and ILs. Dsis and Dbro were in on it. Dss didn't know and were over the moon. It gave us pleasure just seeing their faces.

Is your sister rather selfish?

songlark Sun 20-Oct-13 21:26:47

I suppose she always has been a bit selfish but it took something like this so show how much I suppose. The thing is I really feel like I don't even want to drop because I don't want her to feel shamed into treating me. I just want her to do it off her own back and to want to do it knowing the pleasure it would give. Like I said if it was me I would just love to treat her just to see her face. Surely that's the good thing about money, giving pleasure to others. It's been 4 weeks now so I don't hold out much hope. It's hard to explain but it's more important that she does the right thing than me getting anything. I don't want to feel bad about her and I just think she'd have more luck if she did the right thing.

usualsuspect Sun 20-Oct-13 21:28:18

Tight cow.

songlark Sun 20-Oct-13 21:28:57

I meant to say "drop a hint"

NotScared Sun 20-Oct-13 21:31:30

I wouldn't drop a hint either, am too proud. I'd mark it up for future though and wouldn't forget.

Lweji Sun 20-Oct-13 21:34:14

Someone earlier mentioned Christmas presents, so I'd wait for then.

Maybe mention something about her never needing to borrow money from you again and bing able to afford childcare?

I should get a stamp made with the following statement I use it so much on here and in RL <sigh>

You cannot change somebody else's behaviour, only how you react/respond to it.

You really can't.
If she is too self-centred/crap with money/mean/or whatever it may be to share it around a bit, then that's that.
You can let this fester and bother you for a long time or take the High Road and be content being able to know about the pleasure that giving to others brings.

Whenever I lie in bed spending my mythical lottery win, apart from the usual house etc, the most fun thing I can think of doing is to treat everyone/pay back everything we've had with interest and just be able do nice things for people. That's almost the best bit. I genuinely don't understand tight arsed people. Probably why i'm on my arse bones and everyone else isn't grin

lljkk Sun 20-Oct-13 21:47:15

I am a greedy cow. I'd probably drop a hint.

edam Sun 20-Oct-13 21:48:43

Wow. I really hope she's got a big treat planned but is holding off telling you.

cozietoesie Sun 20-Oct-13 21:50:40

I doubt it. People who enjoy treating other people would have been round with the champers and chocolates the moment they had their hands on the money.

Jellyrollgumdrop Sun 20-Oct-13 21:50:46

Yanbu... my sil a 250k windfall 8 years ago, she still hasn't told us about it!!

Naw, I would not drop a hint, I'd ask 'Where's my share?' grin[not subtle]

DeckSwabber Sun 20-Oct-13 21:57:19

Maybe its early days and she has something fab planned for Christmas?

Jelly, how do you know about your SiL's 250K? shock

NotScared Sun 20-Oct-13 22:00:09

Eee fancy that Jelly. How did you all find out?

Bahhhhhumbug Sun 20-Oct-13 22:09:19

Worse part is she thinks you want to hear her bragging about what she has bought etc. Why on earth would she think that? It is just rubbing your nose in it. If she not going to share it next time she mentions it l would tell her in no uncertain terms you don't want to hear anymore about it.
Reminds me of these lottery winners who bleat on about they're gonna stay in their same little semi and still do their cleaning job and then wonder why everyone around them isn't as thrilled about their good fortune as they are and some people are even downright hostile hmm.

tallulah Sun 20-Oct-13 22:14:00

Do you know, if I won that sort of money it just wouldn't occur to me to 'treat' my brother. And if he won money it wouldn't occur to me to expect anything. Perhaps we are just odd.

Bumpotato Sun 20-Oct-13 22:15:09

She's possibly using the money to pay off gambling debts. How exactly did she win it?

DanglingChillis Sun 20-Oct-13 22:16:16

Just had a discussion withs DH about this. For us, that amount of money could mean we coud pay off our current mortgage but not the one we are thinking about taking on when we sell this house and buy a four bedroomed house (we have 3DC). So I'm not entirely sure we would be flashing the cash with our family. Maybe a meal out? Without a doubt I'd buy serious gifts if I got more money but £150k isn't a life changing amount, we've lost a good share of that just by having children and taking maternity leave and dropping to part time.

But if your sister is poor enough to have to borrow from you then it is more money to her. I agree with the PP who say just don't lend her any more.

DeckSwabber Sun 20-Oct-13 22:20:13

Well, if someone has done you favours in the past it seems rude not to do something for them. But perhaps she simply sees you as the one who is always in control and having what you need.

holidaysarenice Sun 20-Oct-13 22:36:17

Tbh I think yabu expecting a share. She borrowed from you in the past however you haven't said that she didn't pay it back. You are asking for a gift.

I certainly wouldn't ask anyone for money. If my dbro/sis gave some I'd be delighted. But it is their money to do as they please with.

Tbh you sound a little jealous. Jealous that she who is not good with money and has had to resort to borrowing now has money to spend and you don't.

SpookyWerewolf Sun 20-Oct-13 22:44:36

I think its hard because although its a big sum of money, it could easily end up all spent on a home. We dont have a home of our own or a deposit, so if we won money a home of our own would be our top priority.

But this is maybe not the case for her if she's looking to have a bit of a spending spree.

After securing a home, I'd really want to pay back (and treat) my MIL and parents who have helped us out at various points in the past when we have been hard up and then a bit for siblings and very close friends - but I have a big family so it would really depend on the size of the win how much this would be. But certainly, I hope I'd treat them to smaller things that might mean a lot to them at the very least, just to share the luck and let them know I'm thinking of them.

You can either stay quiet and hope she finds her generous gene off her own back contrary to past behaviour, and resent her for spending it on other things.

Or you accept that she's a bit thoughtless, that she could be overlooking you not out of spite but because she's a bit self-centered, and may have always assumed you were comfortable financially and hint/say outright that she'll be able to pay you back now. Its probably what she would have done if you'd won money an hadn't (yet) treated her.

The timid, anxious part of me that hates making a fuss would probably have always done the former. But, I'm beginning to become more confident and this newer side of me would tend towards the latter because I'd feel that the other way sets her up to fail a secret test, from which you will infer means things about her relationship with you and I don't think that's fair.

Maybe she's not as thoughtful as you are, she's caught up in the excitement and may not have thought of treating you and that hurts. Of course it does. But you compound that if you silently resent her for something that she might have resolved if you had been open with her.

Diamanda Sun 20-Oct-13 22:46:33

It's only been a week since she found out she won this money? Perhaps she hasn't received it yet and she's planning to treat you in good time.

Sounds like she's in the early stages of surprise and is already spending it before she gets it by telling everyone what she is going to do. She does sound utterly rubbish with money though so even if she does have a right old spend up without including you, you can bet your bottom dollar she'll be skint again pretty sharpish. Back to square one. Don't lend her any money again if this happens.

Lighthousekeeping Sun 20-Oct-13 22:50:00

It's still early days. Although I once knew someone who won millions and never gave his uncle who brought him up a penny so, nothing surprises me.

SpookyWerewolf Sun 20-Oct-13 23:03:59

I agree with the PP who say its early days to be sure that she isn't thinking of you, if she wanted to surprise you with something nice, she'd be unlikely to tell you right now. But then I wouldn't be holding my breath either.

If one of my siblings was lucky, I'd be delighted if they shared it, but I wouldn't necessarily expect it and I hope I wouldn't resent them if they didn't.

If you have lent her money in the past, then it's time to ask for it back imo...

songlark Sun 20-Oct-13 23:16:53

Yes I could understand it more if I had money myself but she knows that like most people these days I struggle. Never in a million years am I jealous. Like I said I was over the moon for her when I found out what she'd won. If she was going to be sensible with it and maybe invest for the kids future, fair enough but she's no intention of that. She's talked about holidays she wants, new car, furniture and stuff like that. That's what bugs me, she intends to spend it....but only on herself.

aurynne Mon 21-Oct-13 00:49:33

Threads like these are exactly the reason why, if I even win anything, I will not tell a single person about it.

Hookedonclassics Mon 21-Oct-13 06:32:00

At least you won't feel obliged to lend her money or child-mind for her in the future.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 06:35:11

Sorry but your optimism that she'd have more luck if she did the right thing is kind of ironic.... grin She's already been incredibly lucky with her windfall so any ideas of Karma or natural justice are just whistling in the wind. Luck has nothing to do with how good a person you are... it's just luck.

springylippy Mon 21-Oct-13 12:08:15

I'd suggest you say 'are you going to share it a bit?' to open up the convo. But I'm one to talk, the very same phrase sticks in my throat with my very rich sister who doesn't even think of 'sharing' any of her considerable riches with anyone else. You could add 'you know, with people who have helped you out in the past, family and that'.

the fact that she's telling you all about the stuff she's going to spend it on shows it hasn't even occured to her to share it. She's my sister isn't she. Vivian whatshername (spent it all). You do know she's going to power her way through it, yes? and that next year she'll be back to 'poor' and dobbing off you.

SpottyDottie Mon 21-Oct-13 12:32:14

I wouldn't expect anything BUT I would not help out in future e.g if she blew the lot, no more lending little bits here and there. Perhaps you should advise her to save some of it for a rainy day.

Miserably Mon 21-Oct-13 12:32:29

I'm shocked at people saying you should ask/drop hints for some money! Unless you want to appear greedy and demanding, and possibly fall out, please don't do this.

If I won that I'd buy/put it towards a house, and it would be gone. And I'm not selfish or spiteful at all, nor am I particularly wise and sensible with money. As you say, it's not exactly millions so it wouldn't go far. I might keep a bit back to get close friends and family some nice presents at Christmas or go on holiday, but nothing hugely extravagant.

anon2013 Mon 21-Oct-13 12:38:51

Maybe £150k clears all her debts with only a little bit left over?. She's being a tight cow though. Money does bring out the worst in people

JRmumma Mon 21-Oct-13 12:48:18

See what you get for Xmas. If it was me id give the immediate family a bit, or maybe pay for a holiday for us all, but the money would be mine so id do what i saw fit with it and sort myself out as a priority.

Do you have in mind how much of it she should give you or spend on you? If you feel you have a right to some of it, chances are you wont be satisfied with whatever you get/got anyway.

£150k isn't really that much if you have a mortgage you'd like to pay off, and if you also have a couple of credit cards and need a new car etc there really wont be much left.

I do think that she should probably treat you though, if you do alot for her and you are her only sibling.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Mon 21-Oct-13 14:10:05

I'm surprised that people think she has some moral obligation to share this money. I assume that she's repaid whatever she's borrowed in the past, so there is no debt. If she got a well paid job would she be expected to give her money away? It seems that people view 'lucky' money as different to 'earned' money.

Yougotbale Mon 21-Oct-13 14:32:28

That holiday she has got you for Christmas will be a nice surprise.

Anyway, don't think you can expect a treat from her. You may think it would be nice but you shouldn't judge her for it.

DropYourSword Mon 21-Oct-13 14:38:02

I think it's astoundingly rude to expect her to share her money. I'd she got a new job with better pay would you expect the same.

However, she definitely should pay you back the money she owes.

shemademedoit Mon 21-Oct-13 15:20:25

Definitely ask her for the money back she owes you. Also if you want some of her cash, why don't you ask her?

EngineeringExcellence Mon 21-Oct-13 15:21:32

If you were my sister I would have been planning to surprise you with something amazing at Christmas or in some other way. You say she only won the money a week ago, not long to plan the surprise or to really think about what she's going to do with the money. It's one thing to say you're going to spend it on this and that, another to do it.

If I got even an inkling that you thought I "should" spend some on you I would have a serious change of heart.....

OTOH could she be making a point about the way you've always considered her to be "terrible with money"? Not so terrible now?

MrsBennetsEldest Mon 21-Oct-13 15:30:21

The key word in your post Op was expect. If you didn't expect anything you wouldn't be disappointed. I hope she's planning something lovely as a surprise for you.

TheArticFunky Mon 21-Oct-13 15:37:56

If my sister won this amount I would expect her to pay off her mortgage before buying gifts. YABVU.

eggyweggies Mon 21-Oct-13 15:50:41

Honestly, If my siblings won that amount of cash (and it is a large amount but it's not in the realms of 'I'll-never-need-to-work-again'), I think they would either put it into their mortgages or save/invest it for their children's future university fees.

So honestly, I wouldn't expect anything and I can't see them treating the windfall as a chance to go shopping, as your sister seems to.

She sounds like a complete idiot with money and like she's been taking advantage of you for a long time. Perhaps if she'd reciprocated with childcare there would be no resentment about this on your side?

Now, if my siblings won the EuroMillions jackpot, I might expect something...but that's not at all likely to happen so there's no point worrying!

Pawprint Mon 21-Oct-13 16:06:57

An uncle of mine, who is known for being rather spiteful, won very big money on the lottery. Didn't give anyone a penny. I didn't expect to get anything and obviously he had to sort his own family out etc.

However, what was a bit hmm was that his own sister had been dumped, with seven children by her husband and she had absolutely no money. He could have helped her out but he didn't.

I'm sorry to say that he has no money left. He has a serious drink problem and can't hold a job down. I don't know where the money went but he has nothing to show for it. It's sad sad

DontMentionThePrunes Mon 21-Oct-13 16:20:06

I'm quite surprised by some of the responses here about dropping hints and asking her for money.

People might feel they are struggling and that they would help others in the same situation if they could, and so be surprised and indignant that she's not doing that. You do have to weigh it up against the intrinsic dignity of sorting your own life out, though. You lose some of that dignity if you ask someone to give you some help - and double if you ask because you feel some sort of nebulous entitlement to the money just because it's a sister and not a stranger.

I don't know if I'm just an old codger compared to some of you, but I wouldn't see myself as having any claim whatsoever on that money, or any right to be sad because my sister didn't immediately fork some of it over. I would definitely be cross that she wasn't a nicer person but that's about her and not the money.

CursiveLetters Mon 21-Oct-13 16:31:04

YABU - unless she owes you money. If she owes you money by all means its time to collect!

But its her money to do what she wishes with. It's not unusual for one sibling to make much more than the other. If you made £50k/year and your sister made £150k would you expect her to take you out to dinner and buy you expensive gifts? This isn't so different.

DontMentionThePrunes Mon 21-Oct-13 16:35:15

Also remember cognitive dissonance:
You have helped your sister out a lot.
She now has lots of money and isn't giving you any.
The two things aren't related.
It might be that you were daft to help out someone who's not that loyal to you. It's a separate issue to what she should do with her money.

songlark Mon 21-Oct-13 17:13:24

To those who are saying YABU maybe that's because that is how you would do things. I know we're not all the same and some of us are just plain mean, and in ordinary circumstances maybe I wouldn't feel as hurt, but I'm sure you would all feel the same if you had done as much for a member of your family as I have for her. I'm not talking about a share in her money here, just a little thank you for all I've done for her.I've saved her a fortune in childcare alone. Those of you who are saying YABU I presume you don't think it's right to treat someone who has looked after you for years when your circumstances look up. I really can't understand how that is being unreasonable.

DontMentionThePrunes Mon 21-Oct-13 17:16:21

It's not right or wrong, that's where you're getting confused.
It would be nice of her to do something nice for you after all the help you've given her. You don't have a right to it! Maybe she's just not very nice at heart? In which case you have to suck it up and say 'well, more fool me, perhaps I should concentrate on myself a bit more since I don't have her emotional support'.

DontMentionThePrunes Mon 21-Oct-13 17:17:59

(I'm really quite used to this as I deal with in-laws who are pretty selfish: I could run after them, keep house for them etc all day long and get little to no recognition. In which case: I choose not to do it!)

maleview70 Mon 21-Oct-13 18:09:35

£150k is not a fortune anymore.

I don't think I would give any to my sister if I won that amount.

Only my kids would benefit from that amount.

If it was £1m plus I would.

Her money, her choice.

songlark Mon 21-Oct-13 18:23:51

I certainly know I haven't a right to it and Ive never implied I have. My sister didn't have the right to have me babysitting for free but I did it. We do things for others in life whether or not it's their right or not. Someone mentioned its quite similar to maybe her earning £150k to my £50k and that I wouldn't be expecting any of that. That's totally different. When you have a money win like she did its a windfall, in other words its money that you never expected. So very different to what you earn. Like I've said before I never expected much just a little bit of a thank you for all I'vedone for her. It's not asking much is it. Basically I've just got to accept the fact that everyone's different and we really shouldn't expect others to have the same qualities as ourselves.

anon2013 Mon 21-Oct-13 18:51:28

Does she like your DH/DP by the way?. I only ask as I hate my sisters "D" P (don't get me startedangry ) so would genuinely think twice before giving her anything. I'd spoil my DN's though

VillandraMcTavish Mon 21-Oct-13 18:53:04

You sound very muddled. Sorry to be blunt.
You say you don't expect it, but you do. That's what the thread is about!
I assume you volunteered to help your sister with childcare?!

songlark Mon 21-Oct-13 19:07:48

Villa dura, how do you mean I sound very muddled? Where have I said I don't expect it.In my last post I said I never expected much, Ive never said I didn't expect anything. What makes you assume I volunteered for childcare? No she asked me. I think it's you who maybe getting a bit muddled?

songlark Mon 21-Oct-13 19:09:36

Sorry I meant to say Villandra.

Lighthousekeeping Mon 21-Oct-13 19:17:40

Has she even got it yet? I still think she will treat you at Xmas. Has she got a mortgage?

songlark Mon 21-Oct-13 19:32:02

Yes she's got it and yes she's got a mortgage but she's told me she doesn't think she's going to pay anything off it. That's what I mean she isn't going to be sensible with the money. If she was it would be different.

Jellyrollgumdrop Mon 21-Oct-13 20:06:33

A fella who worked with her heard about it and happened to tell my hubby THEN it made the local news, though she wasn't named! Wouldn't have wanted/expected anything from her but you'd think she would have mentioned it!?

morethanpotatoprints Mon 21-Oct-13 20:09:50

OP, she sounds like my sister. The money won't last long believe me and it won't change her attitude to money one bit.
She will be asking you to lend her some soon, to which your reply should be. "Sorry, I don't have the same amount as you do" or What have you done with all the money you won?

morethanpotatoprints Mon 21-Oct-13 20:13:06

I can't believe anybody wouldn't think that amount a fortune, you could buy several properties for that much money, its a fortune.

Whocansay Mon 21-Oct-13 20:17:41

Think of it this way. If she gives you some cash, once she's spent hers (which it sounds like she will do at lightning speed) she'll only be on the phone to you asking for it back. Then you'll have another unpleasant dilemma.

Smile and nod. And ignore.

MissStrawberry Mon 21-Oct-13 20:22:38

This isn't AIBU.

I think considering all you have done for your sister it is not unreasonable to expect something. Hell, if she can't even give you a nice bunch of flowers or some special chocolates as a thank you then I certainly would not be baby sitting or lending her money again.

MissStrawberry Mon 21-Oct-13 20:23:34

Jelly, obviously she didn't mention it as she didn't want to share it.

givemeaboost Mon 21-Oct-13 20:35:46

morethan- in which parallel universe do live in where you can buy several properties for 150k? confused

Shenanagins Mon 21-Oct-13 20:40:32

I think you have every right to feel a bit pissed off after everything you have done for her. I suppose it will make it easier to say no to her when the money is gone.

Jellyrollgumdrop Mon 21-Oct-13 20:41:10

Ironic missstrawberry that we would have wished her well but never broached it as obviously were not supposed to know!!

BillyBanter Mon 21-Oct-13 20:50:03

I can't imagine not treating my family to something if I won £150k.

I'd love to upgrade from a flat to a house and in london that could involve using every penny of the win. But I'd not use the whole amount I'd have a little spree and treat people and use every penny of a still massive windfall.

I would feel just as aggrieved as you, No, nobody has to give anyone anything when they get this sort of windfall but I would think less of them for it for being so miserly with such a lucky win. It's not the same as annual income and even then many siblings with big incomes help out their less financially well-off siblings.

I'd bet £150k that the OP's sister would be round in a flash to see how much she could get if the OP had had this win instead.

So I judge her. I judge her with my judgy pants.

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