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thank you Anyfucker - spot on

(95 Posts)
holstenlips Sun 20-Oct-13 19:01:22

Following my thread re my fiance sexting another woman. I told his mum who was very supportive of me.
Yesterday I found out shes said that because of my recent depression ive either made it all up or have totally overreacted.
Anyfucker warned me at that time to remember that blood is thicker than water. Well that is spot on. My x has also gone with her version of events. I felt so down about it yday. But then I remembered AF and her comment. Thank you.

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 20:21:19

It's not you lovey, it was him.

She is his mother.

Did she tell you that herself, or did Mrcheatingtextingbastard say that?

Eitherway, you know where you are now, as sad as that is.


ImperialBlether Sun 20-Oct-13 20:36:56

Now you've seen her true colours and you can be rid of both of them.

And you are right to trust AF!

holstenlips Sun 20-Oct-13 20:39:21

She text a joint friend. Who then showed me the messages.
I feel im being treated really unjustly. But nothing I xan do.

itsmeisntit Sun 20-Oct-13 20:41:36

They have to save face somehow...easier to place the blame on you.

You, your friends and family know the truth--that's all that really matters flowers

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 20:43:23

Nothing you need do love, just turn your back and keep walking!

holstenlips Sun 20-Oct-13 20:45:04

Havent even told my family yet :-(
A few friends know.
Im still pretty much carrying it all around inside.
His mum is so nice I dont understand why / how shes using this stigma about depression to blame me. Im tempted to text her.

MissBattleaxe Sun 20-Oct-13 20:47:09

Maybe her son caused your depression?

Best get away from toxic detractors and rebuild yourself around those that love and value you.

poorbuthappy Sun 20-Oct-13 20:47:09

Do not text her. She will always bash you because as you have already admitted blood is thicker than water.

Walk away.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 20-Oct-13 20:48:44

Too complicated a point to text, I'd say. And as AF said, MILs volte face was predictable, and she already has the facts - is just choosing to ignore them & you won't change that. Rise above, let it go, maintain a dignified silence.

Chubfuddler Sun 20-Oct-13 20:50:30

Not one member of my soon to be ex in laws has contacted me since my husband and I split up in January. Even though he was convicted for his assault on me.


CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 20-Oct-13 20:50:37

Definitely don't text. She may be annoyed with him in private but, for the world, she'll be backing her DS to the hilt... even if it means bad-mouthing you. You're not going to gain anything going up against her

PeppermintPasty Sun 20-Oct-13 21:13:37

Oh Chub, I missed that sad
How bloody awful, and what a bunch of shitbags.

And op, AF is always right wink

It does sound like you're well rid. I agree-don't text and give them the satisfaction x

tingle1 Sun 20-Oct-13 21:13:38

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

holstenlips Sun 20-Oct-13 21:15:01

You're all right..just so crap. As if depression wasnt enough and yes it has crossed my mind a number of times that he contributed to my depression.

Chubfuddler Sun 20-Oct-13 21:15:31

In laws almost always stick with blood. The only exception was my mothers SIL who never spoke to her brother again after my parents split, and has been one of my mums best friends.

In all the posts I have ever read from AF I think I have disagreed with approximately one.
And then the thread continued and I saw her point.

She is solid gold.

What is your situation now, holsten? How are you coping?

I still like to rattle the ex-MILs cage once in a while...I say 'hello, it's UA here, your grandson's mother, remember him?' and she always puts the phone down on me. grin

Nasty old bat.

holstenlips Sun 20-Oct-13 22:11:56

Hmm well I was starting to feel better. This has really pissed me off. But, as I say, I was warned by AF who clearly has a lot of insight!

Shellywelly1973 Sun 20-Oct-13 23:57:31


In an earlier post, you said there is nothing you can do...

I learnt that you can always do something. You can't change whats happened but you can control how you react.

You know the truth. Your ex knows the truth. Your mil knows the truth & she knows you know-that she knows, iyswim!!

Look after yourself. Depression is horrible but you will get better. Take care.

frustratedashell Mon 21-Oct-13 00:38:19

I have to say I always like reading AF's replies, they are wise and to the point!

SecretWitch Mon 21-Oct-13 00:42:15

If I need good advice about relationships AF is the poster I would turn to....

Absolutelylost Mon 21-Oct-13 00:45:10

Been very lucky, during our recent separation, my brothers in laws and sister in law have been so supportive. They still love their brother but are very angry and disappointed by his actions. They have tried to contact him but he's ignoring everyone - out of guilt I suspect. He will be saying I have turned them against him but they actually think I am too tolerant and understanding - they have known him for 50 years! I think this is probably unusual, good luck OP.

Bogeyface Mon 21-Oct-13 01:06:29

I am never sure about "blood is thicker than water".

I think it is more to do with the fact that a parent would try to find anything to justify their off springs actions than have to admit to people that their DC is a liar and a cheat. She is clinging to any excuse she can to prove that this isnt her sons fault so therefore, by extension, her fault.

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 01:50:13

Thanks all of you. A part of me does realise that he and his parents do know deep down what he has done as you say.
I feel a little dim for having confided in her to start. He lies to her all the time (usually so he can sponge moneyoff her) and she kknows this too. So I guess she doesn't want to accept the truth.
I think blaming my depression is very low. Thinking about it , as a family they are pretty much Daily Fail in their outlook re such matters. Stigma is alive and well.
Thanks AF..hope you see this!

Bogeyface Mon 21-Oct-13 02:07:56

Wow Holsten She sounds like the mother of a very ex BF of mine.

Daily Fail, stiff upper lip, what will the neighbours say, and yyy to him lying to her face in order to scrounge money (does anyone fall for the "I lost my wallet" routine once a month?!).

She actually told her own sister to "calm yourself down" at their fathers funeral because her sister was crying.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 21-Oct-13 05:46:17

They don't really blame your depression, you know? It's just something convenient that they can use as an excuse. That's how bullies operate i.e. pick on a real or imagined weakness and use that as the reason to treat someone badly.

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 07:58:20

Bogey...shes given him £20K in two years !!
Im one of those people who finds it hard to sit on my hands and say nothing..but I will try
Thanks Cog yes my illness very convenient for them.
I need to keep away x

Boosterseattheballcleaner Mon 21-Oct-13 08:03:49

Morning Holsten, Cogito is spot on

They don't really blame your depression, you know? It's just something convenient that they can use as an excuse

You have conducted yourself in a manner which will have shattered all their misconceptions about depression. You aren’t crumbling or weak like they expected you to be and that is scary for them. Your depression hasn’t caused you to roll over and accept his shoddy behaviour, I specifically remember you using the word “empowered” which is bloody amazing for someone having to deal with that crap they are dishing out.


Wellwobbly Mon 21-Oct-13 08:12:30

Not one member of my soon to be ex in laws has contacted me since my husband and I split up - what Chub says.

I honestly do think, the more dysfunctional the family, the more they stick together. THEY KNOW and so go into self-protection.

People who are healthier are interested in higher concepts, like compassion, detachment and justice.

If my sons ever behave like their father did, they will get my instant lack of support, and a serious piece of my mind.
My daughters mustn't even begin to think about falling for a married man's self-serving BS. No neural networks must even start to fire acrossing their temptation path. If they do not instantly see him as the selfish whining user he actually is, then I haven't done my maternal job properly angry

Meerka Mon 21-Oct-13 13:52:17

holsten ... if your partner lies all the time to her and sponges 20k off her in 2 years ... umm, he's probably lied a lot to you too I'm afraid :/

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 14:32:10

Hi Meerka ..yeah I know. When confronted by me he deleted or 'amended' most of the messages etc.
His mum text me this morning to 'reassure' me that she would let it all lie now and no harm done (by me) errr what? I didnt bloody do anything.
So tempted to text back with the gory details

BOOsterseat Mon 21-Oct-13 14:36:06

You don't need to justify your position to her Holsten, his behaviour was unacceptable and you do not wish to continue the relationship.

I am fucking fuming for you though, let it lie - er no you're not a fucking doormat.

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 14:38:59

Oh im fuming too Booster. Stupid condescending woman. Once hes used up all their savings perhaps she will feek differently. Its shit that I have to work with him.

LeGavrOrf Mon 21-Oct-13 14:42:06

Have you split up with him Holsten (sorry if you said this upthread). In any case don't feel you have to justify yourself to her at all. I wouldn't contact her again. Using your depression is a fucking low blow.

Chub I am so sorry you have had that to go through this year, I had no idea. I hope you're ok.

Yes, anyfucker is worth her weight in gold for the support she gives. And cogito is always wise and helpful as well.

BOOsterseat Mon 21-Oct-13 14:44:19

I cant even begin to imagine how shit that is, work can be a real sanctuary for some.

Do you have the opportunity to look for other career options? I'm not advocating running away but a fresh start might be just what you need?

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 14:45:40

Yes I split up with him . Sold my wedding dress within aweek . Its so hard to accept that im getting the blame. But as you say not much point in trying to justify myself.

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 14:47:20

Work wise..I could look for something else but having just returned after severe depressive episode I am still finding my feet. I have reduced my hours though.

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 14:47:59

Ive considered moving far far away too!!

BOOsterseat Mon 21-Oct-13 14:50:05

They probably thought your depression would make you easy to manipulate and coerce.

How fucking wrong were they?!

LeGavrOrf Mon 21-Oct-13 14:51:23

I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this.

I think though that there is nothing you can say which will convince your ex's mother that he is at fault and not you. I think any text you send will be pored over to provide more 'proof' that your depression has been the cause of you splitting up. Don't give her the satisfaction. If I were you I would cut all contact with her tbh.

I am sorry you have to work with him. But take solace from the fact you have been strong enougn to break up with him rather than put up with his cheating ways. That is really brave in itself.

Sandshoes73 Mon 21-Oct-13 15:53:56

I have been having similar issues - my MIL hasn't contacted me in the 2 months we've been separated. Accidentally skyped me the other day and was vile - 'oh, I didn't mean to get you, I want to talk to fucknuckle and the kids', and hung up.
God knows what he has told her, but pretty obviously not the truth.
His father did the dirty on her when he was 2 months old and still in hospital, so she left her husband.
I don't know whether to tell her the truth, even the sordid parts or just let her be.
She has accused me in the past of having hormonal issues through breast feeding because I busted him having online affair.
Sorry to hijack thread.

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 16:31:55

No worries Sand...sorry you've had similar treatment. Ive had a text from his mum!! Says how I had worried them to the point of not sleeping ...fucks sake. She cant direct her anger at the right person. Deleting her number.

LeGavrOrf Mon 21-Oct-13 17:02:11

Oh just ignore her. She is fishing for information to further discredit you, IMO. I know it must be tempting to reply but it would be far better to just leave her to stew.

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 22:00:08

Luckily I dont leave near any of them x included. He was a cocklodger too..staying here rent free getting fed etc. I hate him right now.

Holsten I take it as a very good sign that you are getting angry rather than depressed and retreating further into your shell over this.

My DH and DM would always say "Well I guess someone is feeling better" when I would get all bitchy about something instead of collapsing in a puddle of anxiety and depression...

That imagery is not quite right but you get the idea.

holstenlips Mon 21-Oct-13 22:37:01

Thanks Hearts I dont feel depressed in the slightest which is good. I feel pretty strong, angry at the twunt and his mother.

ScaryFucker Mon 21-Oct-13 22:45:17

I see you thlsmile

God, what a stupid woman she is. There is something you can do, you know. Do nothing at all will really piss them off that you are not providing any ammunition for her to stir the cauldron with.

I hope work goes ok. You are proving yourself as a much better person than exP and his deluded witch of a mother.

ScaryFucker Mon 21-Oct-13 22:50:13

tingle I can tell you have been missing me. I made this little video just for you thlwink

Meerka Tue 22-Oct-13 09:15:10

silently supporting you holsten. thank god you're out.

holstenlips Tue 22-Oct-13 11:57:55

Cheers Meerka and AF/SF ♥

diddl Tue 22-Oct-13 12:05:52

When an ex was cheating on me, his mum came out with "well, loves a funny thing..."

Yup, fucking hilarious when you realise his whole workplace knew as well & were probably laughing at you.

You almost have to feel sorry for them.

I mean surely you can still love your son, but hate what they've done & tell them so?

holstenlips Tue 22-Oct-13 16:17:43

You would think so wouldnt you. He obviously is trying to avoid a shitstorm with his mum and so is blaming me

BOOsterseat Tue 22-Oct-13 19:37:56

How are you feeling today Holsten?

bigkidsdidit Tue 22-Oct-13 19:45:40

One f the main reasons I adore my PIL is that when their son cheated on his wife, they invited her and the children round for Christmas and disinvited him. That's how it should be, but dysfunctional families don't act wih compassion. I'd take her message with a massive sigh of relief that you are out of that family!

holstenlips Tue 22-Oct-13 19:57:37

Funny bigkids I did think the word "dysfunctional" about them today.
Im tired and muddled today Booster..trying not to analyse too much as I dont want to risk slipping into depression or even anxiety.
But my head is full of questions .am I to blame ?

BOOsterseat Tue 22-Oct-13 20:02:42

No you aren't my love, he was inadequate and you have standards. End of.

What is your next move? Any plans in the making? Also if you need a cheap laugh these never fail to make me laugh but I am easily pleased

holstenlips Tue 22-Oct-13 20:26:43

Thanks Booster. .I love Gord. So funny :-D

CookieDoughKid Tue 22-Oct-13 21:39:31

Hold your help up high because the fucker of your ex and his mil will not reach your station. Let go. Move on and do not give them anymore headspace than you already have as they aren't worth it.

You're not to blame.
They are.
They will always blame you because it's easier and their too fucking coward to report otherwise.

All the best op.

holstenlips Tue 22-Oct-13 22:51:53

Thanks Cookie

fuckbutfucky Wed 23-Oct-13 21:44:01

Bumping this for obvious reasons.
Hope no one minds.

sittinginthesun Wed 23-Oct-13 21:50:50

Bump bump bump

Lora1982 Wed 23-Oct-13 22:40:06

Well clearly AnyFucker was spot on again, she's so useful to have around isn't she.

ZingAnyFucker Wed 23-Oct-13 23:48:49


LineRunner Wed 23-Oct-13 23:54:27

That was good advice from AnyFucker from the get go.

CookieDoughKid Thu 24-Oct-13 00:06:45

bumpity bump

op - hope u are well today

and if you don't mind me saying
I can't believe AF has been banned!!
It's very uncool of you MUMSNET HQ

holstenlips Thu 24-Oct-13 08:03:23

Whaaaaat??? How on earth can that ever be ok?

BOOsterseatforAnyFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 08:55:39

Its not right is it Holsten sad

I've seen posters on here operating in a disgustingly insidious manner but because they are within the guidelines the posts can stay.

Its so unfair, not everyone likes AF but I she isn't malicious IMO.

diddl Thu 24-Oct-13 09:10:44

From what I can gather AF has been banned after ignoring warning(s).

Banned for a week.

TBH, if that's the case, I agree.

I don't see why anyone should be above the rules.

Wellwobbly Thu 24-Oct-13 09:23:41

AF banned???? Who complained?

There is a particular poster on MN who winds people up, then gets the responses deleted and the poster reported.

I have asked MNHQ to note who starts the escalation that gets complained about, but she continues to get away with it angry.

Well AF, come back soon.

BOOsterseatforAnyFucker Thu 24-Oct-13 09:30:41

But what about the MRA Diddl who come here to goad and cause harm? They stay within the guidelines while posters like AF try to counter them and show them women do have a voice.

Another case of a strong woman silenced.

I for one think that sucks.

diddl Thu 24-Oct-13 09:36:00

Well of course they should be banned.

But why shouldn't AF if she breaks the T&Ts?

Why rise to the deliberate goading & give them what they want?

Bogeyface Thu 24-Oct-13 10:48:40

Can AF still receive PM's?

Meerka Thu 24-Oct-13 10:58:06

I dont think so at the moment but Justine said the ban is only for 1 week and was after many warners. Mumsnet have said they are in email correspondance with her.

Am glad its only for a week!

Meerka Thu 24-Oct-13 10:58:16

warnings* doh

ZingMayor Thu 24-Oct-13 19:33:10

diddl why? because she is human.

I'd dare you to keep your cool when someone is wounding you up deliberately while you are trying to help someone else.

diddl Thu 24-Oct-13 19:53:59

I suppose I'm lucky that I've never been goaded on here.

Best ignored IMO.

And to pm the person you are trying to help.

Which AF may have done, of course.

ZingMayor Thu 24-Oct-13 19:58:54

diddl but why should AF or anyone need to pm the OP on a thread that was started in relationships?

there would be no threads, but

"hi, some shit happened, here are the details - please PM me with advice. no trolls. thanks"

and yes, you are lucky if you were never goaded (unless you are being sarcastic, sorry, I can't tell)

diddl Thu 24-Oct-13 21:11:01

There shouldn't be a need to pm-was just a suggestion if a thread is being derailed such that OP might not return.

Didn't make that clear.

I wasn't being sarcastic, AF is a forthright & prolific poster & that possibly makes her a target?

But it wasn't about her being goaded on one thread, was it-it was an accumulation of posts?

I do think that some of the reactions on here have been OTT though.

Such as AF should be allowed back immediately as her advice is so invaluable that someone might come to harm for her not being available!

ZombieZing Thu 24-Oct-13 21:34:10

diddl thanks, I just wasn't sure if you were sarcastic or not.

And I do understand that you question AF's importance to the point that there is a" riot", but the fact is that there is an outrage shows to me that:

A, she is very important to a lot of people (that can not be denied) and some will be missing her advice and help even for a week

B, there's a serious issue about trolling/goading that is not dealt with to everyone's satisfaction (including me)

C, people will be banned if they break Talk Guidelines (as judged by MNHQ) no matter how well-known/important/liked they are

D, there are no absolute ways to know what posts and why might be deleted after being deemed as personal attacks, while others are left to be seen (despite some of us thinking the non-deleted ones are way worse)

(there is an E and an F as well, but I have to go)

It is sad and infuriating to realize that if you defend yourself or someone else by reacting to people who deliberately wind you up to achieve something, you risk punishment and they "win"

(and that is regardless of how many times AF was deleted or warned before, because by the look of it at least some of her previous posts were also deleted for calling a spade a spade.)

holstenlips Fri 25-Oct-13 08:41:46

He wants me back. What do I do? Scared of this future alone going over and over things. :-( He was the love of my life.

BOOsterseatforAnyFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 08:49:39

Of course he wants you're back, you're awesome!

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering if hes going to start texting someone else? Do you think living with that uncertainty is going to help your depression?

To quote Albert Einstein - "Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving"

Id rather be alone than with someone who tells OW they have a hard on. Charmless Bastard.

holstenlips Fri 25-Oct-13 08:54:46

Of course you are right Booster..I know it will forever haunt me. Especially as he wont admit that it was a come-on. I would be forever anxious that he was doing it again.
My dd is ill again so im feeling low, got noone to help.
It feels relentless.

DoctorTwo Fri 25-Oct-13 09:04:26

Morning Holsten. Another quote from Einstein: if we don't learn from our mistakes we are doomed to repeat them.

The cheat does not deserve you, and you deserve to be treated better than he's treated you.

holstenlips Fri 25-Oct-13 09:09:00

Thank you Doctor. I suppose I will get over this bump. if I was to see him I'd feel sick anyway. We work together but I cant go in today anyway as dd is ill.

DoctorTwo Fri 25-Oct-13 09:46:30

If AF was here she'd probably tell you what he's going to come out with next, she's wise like that. Hope your daughter is better soon.

BOOsterseatforAnyFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 10:43:54

Get on the sofa and snuggle with a movie and DD.

We are always here for hand holding or venting

holstenlips Fri 25-Oct-13 12:00:51


BOOsterseatforAnyFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 15:21:11

Is your DD feeling any better?

holstenlips Fri 25-Oct-13 15:49:14

She's not too bad Booster thanks for asking. I was just about to come on here and say " Aaargh" you must be psychic. Think im coming down with the lergy too.
The weekend stretches ahead.

BOOsterseatforAnyFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 16:19:00

<sends good vibes via psychic powers>

All wet windy weekends are good for is pizza and MN.

holstenlips Fri 25-Oct-13 16:31:24

Yes indeed. Good plan. And not replying to begging texts

BOOsterseatforAnyFucker Fri 25-Oct-13 16:32:36

You can practice your evil cackle for when they come through

DoctorTwo Fri 25-Oct-13 17:10:11

Definitely don't reply to the texts, just laugh at him. I honestly don't get why so many men do that. He's crossed a line, been dumped and now he wants back. Balls to him.

holstenlips Fri 25-Oct-13 19:10:21

Yes he is feeling very hard done by. Urgh. Luckily the thought of him makes me feel sick.

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