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Internet Dating..... A Question???

(48 Posts)
FelineSad Sat 19-Oct-13 07:36:02

So I've entered the murky world of internet dating. I have a profile with a perfectly normal photo. One that is good enough to establish whether or not you would be physically repulsed by me or notsmile.

I chat to men and they keep asking me for 'more photos'. I really didn't understand it because they've seen my photo, chatted and we seem to be getting along ok so couldn't understand why they would need more photos.

Now I'm wondering if they mean more intimate photos, underwear ones etc etc. So could someone enlighten me? Is this what they mean when they ask for more photos?? obviously I wouldn't send any but I was chatting for several days to someone who seemed really nice. he then asked for 'more photos' and when they didn't materialise has disappeared into the ether?

Ginocchio Sat 19-Oct-13 07:39:52

Yes, that's probably exactly what he meant, I'm afraid.

Judging by the number of women's profiles that say "and no, I'm not going to send you pics of me in my underwear", I'd guess it's pretty common.

Admiraltea Sat 19-Oct-13 07:44:42

When I dated I had a few photos..niceish profile one and a few snapshot type, on holiday, in garden all wearing clothes but could see me in different settings and my general figure/style of dressing. One photo would be a red flag for me ...you need to be sure the person is real and not just a random head shot nicked off the internet, a few general photos can help...no need at all for underwear!

FelineSad Sat 19-Oct-13 07:51:20

Admiral Ok. I will look for some more. For me one photo was enough as most of the ones I've seen seem to be in 'real' settings.

The only thing was the 'nice' guy had one photo and he didn't look 51 in it which was what he claimed to be so it should probably have been me asking for more photos!!!

In the short time I've been internet dating I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion it's not for me!!

Had lots of interest of very young illiterate Asian guys who obviously think a 48 year old will be desperate for anything!

Concentrateonthegood Sat 19-Oct-13 08:17:33

I agree with Admiral. Just a range of shots showing the real you. I only had a head shot and I kept getting requests for more but thought they were genuine requests and not requests for soft pornsmile.

When on pof a few years ago, men very definitely did ask for different pictures and were not subtle about it and left me in no uncertain terms exactly what they wanted so I would take the requests of more pictures of you at face value. Good luck. I met a lovely man on e-harmony in August so there are some out there!

FolkGirl Sat 19-Oct-13 09:26:37

Wow.

I've been doing OD for nearly 4 months. I've not once received an inappropriate message or had requests for more photos confused which would just confirm my suspicions that I'm so hideous no one would want to see any more of me, if it weren't for the fact that I have chatted with several men and been on 7 first dates! I have one head and shoulders shot which shows what I look like, one head and shoulders in which I'm a bit more made up (quite 'vampy')and one fairly distance shot which shows me participating in a hobby - to prove I'm not lying.

I would just block any men who didn't seem genuine.

I also block men who look at my profile several times but don't make any contact because I think that's just weird!

But no, no requests for any extra photos at all.

ALittleStranger Sat 19-Oct-13 09:34:21

FolkGirl also I didn't get any requests for smutty pictures and only one or two inappropriate messages. It may be common but it's not normal. Esp if you stay off the dreaded POF.

OP I agree you need more of a range of pictures. One picture doesn't really tell anyone much.

FelineSad Sat 19-Oct-13 09:39:40

Oh in the two weeks I've been OD I've had several inappropriate messages and this isn't on POF which I'd expect. This is on a site you have to pay for! The worst one was 'horny man want you'!!!!

I find the whole OD odd. There are certain men who constantly wink at you. Surely they only need to do it once? if you've ignored their first wink another ten isn't going to change your mind?

Also odd the ones who want a 'serious relationship' but live 200 miles form you. What's the point of that???

The ones who wink and you so you send a message and then never hear from them???

Early days I suppose.

At least my cat still loves me (he's sat on my chest purring as I type!)

FelineSad Sat 19-Oct-13 09:44:46

Ok. I'm out and about a lot this weekend so will invest in a range of pictures... And give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

FolkGirl Sat 19-Oct-13 10:19:31

OH well you have to just ignore the persistent winkers!!

They don't even register on my radar. If I counted all of those in the number of men who've contacted me, it would be off the scale!

You've got to remember you will encounter the whole spectrum of humanity on OD -

there are some men who are arses (I give you "I will buy you chocolate when you are PMSing");

the boring and miserable ones ("Feeling lonely, hope you will be the one to put a smile back on my face")

the unrealistic ones (the unattractive, overweight 50+ men who are looking for "a Kate Moss/Sienna Miller lookalike - must look good in skinny jeans)

the lovely, intelligent, kind, sensitive, funny but not ready for a new relationships ones (feeling very sad because I've just had to end things with one of these)

Then there are also people who find it difficult to make connections with people IRL because of, for example, SpLDs (I've been on 3 dates with 3 different men with an AS dx - which is a high % when you think I've only been out with 7 men. But then I am specifically looking for an intelligent, somewhat geeky man...)

Or they're just not very bright (I play a game with myself where I try to guess what their level of education is going to be just from reading their personal ad bit. I'm getting pretty good at it...).

They're all out there!

FelineSad Sat 19-Oct-13 16:29:59

Oh I can work out the not very bright ones. I discard anyone who uses text speak,doesn't write in sentences or if they do don't use a capital letter at the beginning of a sentence.

Even at this early stage I do find some people really odd in the initial stage and I certainly had one where I thought he ahd ASD or some other social issues. He had a photo on his profile and it looked like somewhere where I'd been so I asked him about it. He just ignored my question and started asking me other questions mainly about my dating history. It was like he had his own script that he was going to stick to no matter what and the dialogue certainly wasn't two way.

My friend has done loads of OD and has a plethora of anecdotes. One of the most amusing was the bloke who, on the first (and last) date, asked, 'Do you do anal? Because if you don't this just won't work'!!!

FolkGirl Sat 19-Oct-13 20:14:44

Just to be clear - I didn't have a problem with the men I dated who had AS diagnoses. One of them had put it in his profile; another had dropped enough hints for it to be clear to anyone who knew and then told me when we met up; the third told me half way through the date, but again, I had already suspected as much.

I don't have a problem with dating someone with AS. I was actually quite keen on one of the men, but the timing was wrong and he had a couple of interests that were incompatible with me but that was nothing to do with his AS!

FelineSad Sat 19-Oct-13 21:05:40

Folk I don't think anyone did think that.You have to be with someone you're compatible with.

I did have a blind date with someone a few weeks ago (long story which i won't go into here) whom I had only communicated with via text (naively thought it was romantic). When we met turned out he had some sort of social anxiety disorder. He couldn't maintain a conversation and looked so uncomfortable it was off putting. I actually lasted three hours (!!!) because I felt so sorry for him. However there was no way I was going on a second date. It wouldn't be fair on either one of us.

I've been dabbling on POF and FreeDating, and not once have I been asked for more intimate photos or been sent pics of naked men (although men can't send pics on POF because of the numbers who would send ones of their cocks!) I have 2 photos on my profile; one full body, with me wearing jeans and a cami, and the other is head and shoulders to give a better idea of my face. IMO this is enough for men to get and idea of whether I'm their type or not, and the only way to really find out is to meet me.

Regarding men's photos, I was amazed how many dodgy ones there are; some are stock photos and some are of celebs. What I found is that even if the setting is casual, if a photo looks too professional (good lighting, good focus) then it's usually a fake. I made a point of checking most of them using Google reverse image search and caught quite few fakers:
www.google.com/insidesearch/features/images/searchbyimage.html

FolkGirl Sat 19-Oct-13 21:46:02

Just wanted to be sure Feline smile

I'm back on this evening for a look around and there are so few men that I'm interested in! I can't believe it.

I'm only actually searching based on distance (within 30miles) and education (Bachelors degree to PhD) and there isn't anyone I'm interested in!

I don't think that is too prohibitive a search criteria!

FelineSad Sat 19-Oct-13 22:06:54

I'm giving E harmony a try. it seems less random. The other one was Match Me Now (which I had thought was match.com!!!)

FolkGirl Sat 19-Oct-13 22:10:12

My friend married someone she met on eharmony. Good luck!

BooHissy Sun 20-Oct-13 12:28:45

EHarmony drives me batty, most of the blokes don't seem to have photos.

I don't reckon on it at all, too contrived with the tossy questions imvho.

SugarMouse1 Sun 20-Oct-13 14:33:00

Another question, if you put photos on your profile, and your real name etc, what would you do if someone you knew recognized you? Wouldn't it be a bit embarrassing?

BookFairy Sun 20-Oct-13 14:48:58

No requests for more photos, I just keep getting a lot of messages saying:
"hi"
"hey"
"hows u"

Beyond depressing. I genuinely despair!

BookFairy Sun 20-Oct-13 14:50:12

sugarmouse I've told my friends. If someone I know saw me on there it would be because they were also on there...

SuddenlySqueamish Sun 20-Oct-13 15:09:37

The different sites seem to attract certain types so if you're getting a lot of men who are being a bit sleazy and asking for more pics, maybe try a different site.

For example POF is a known sleaze-magnet while Match.com seems to be more for people interested in getting to know somebody and building a relationship.

I met my DP on OKCupid which seems to have a lot of nerdy types (the kind I go for) but it does also get the sleazy types because it's free. Have 2 other friends who met long-term DPs online - 1 on Match and one on eHarmony. Another friend keeps complaining about the men she meets online but won't venture outside of POF!

FolkGirl Sun 20-Oct-13 15:25:24

Sugar I did see someone I knew on there. I didn't click on his profile though.

I sometimes wonder if I might be spotted by parents from the school I work in, but I haven't given too much of myself away and I think I come across quite well, so I wouldn't be too bothered!

I was contacted by IM this morning on two separate occasions by someone about 15 years younger than me.

"Hey babe" - close IM and ignore.

"Hi beauty" - block

I don't get disheartened by those, the decent men by far outweigh them.

The only thing that really annoys me is when someone winks without having first looked at the profile. Or when they are clearly completely incompatible with what I am looking for!

I always tend to think that children and education is the big deal breaker for me. If they are looking for someone with no children and definitely want them at some point then it's a non starter - I have 2 and definitely don't want anymore.

feelinlucky Sun 20-Oct-13 15:57:59

I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me. I never get asked for naked photos!!! In fact, I'm beginning to think there's some kind if Pof conspiracy, I only get deeply unattractive men looking at me smile they're usually hgv lorry drivers! It's a conspiracy I tell you.

JaceyBee Sun 20-Oct-13 16:08:00

What's wrong with Asian guys?? My man is Asian and he's the hottest guy I've ever known.

Fair enough you're not into young illiterate guys that's your choice but it was a tad unnecessary to refer to their race? Would you have said 'young illiterate white guys'? Probably not.

FelineSad Sun 20-Oct-13 19:55:42

Jacey There's always one isn't there??!!! I was actually engaged to an Asian guy about 15 years a go and nearly converted to Islam so have no issue with anyone educated.

The fact that they are Asian suggests to me that they are possible after marrying some desperate older woman (48) to get a passport. the fact that they are practically illiterate suggests to me that they are not British born and therefore don't hold a British passport.

When a plethora of 20-30 year old illiterate Asian guys contact an obviously educated 48 financially secure woman I am not under any illusions that it is my wit and charm they are after. And for the record I have not had one white guy under the age of 40 contact me illiterate or otherwise.

JaceyBee Sun 20-Oct-13 20:01:11

Yeah ok OP, I do see what you mean. Just came across a bit off in your previous post. But I stand corrected smile

Btw, which site was this? Coz right now a plethora of young Asian guys to pick from sounds quite appealing, illiterate or not! wink

FelineSad Sun 20-Oct-13 20:22:35

Jacey thanks apology accepted!

It is MatchMe. com. (Because I am an idiot and thought it was Match.com!!)

Don't suppose your partner has any single hot friends??? wink

JaceyBee Sun 20-Oct-13 20:44:22

Is that simplymatchme.com? Coz that is just Asians isn't it? Through fb? That might explain a lot!

To be honest, I don't really know. I'm not really an integrated part of his life, for reasons you can probably guess. (Although I doubt it!)

FelineSad Sun 20-Oct-13 21:08:51

Jacey No it's Matchmenow.com. Nothing to do with Fb.

Actually I can probably guess and they're probably the same reasons I didn't end up marrying my Muslim ex...

JaceyBee Sun 20-Oct-13 21:22:49

Ah ok. Sounds a bit rubbish anyway, unfortunately.

Yeah, he's Muslim too. It's a v messy and complex situation that doesn't bode well for me but, it is what it is!

monstermissy Sun 20-Oct-13 21:50:06

Oh someone tell me where I'm going wrong with this online dating. I've been on match for about 4 weeks and apart from a couple of messages with 'hi' or just 'x' ( not for me) that's it really. Some winks and that's it. I've tried messaging a few people... Nothing! I'm 36 and feeling I clearly am finished and on the heap! I don't meet people in my job really. I'm running out of ideas and hope and feeling really miserable about it hmm when you message men online what stuff do you put in email? I've got 3 pics on, pics that I've had in fb that people have said were good etc maybe I'm just fugly!!

QwertyQueen Sun 20-Oct-13 22:02:53

fwiw
I have started chatting to a guy through internet dating, and he hasn't asked for any more photos (I only showed 2 face shots), and when chatting to my therapist she said she was surprised he hadn't asked for more photos, because most men do...

feelinlucky Sun 20-Oct-13 22:14:17

Monster, don't worry you are not alone. I have no answers for you but I can guarantee it's nothing whatsoever to do with you. If you can be patient just stick with it. Maybe try widening the net and trying other sites too.

monstermissy Sun 20-Oct-13 22:26:51

Thanks smile think I may have to try other sites... Tho I see the same faces on the main sites and I refuse to use pof. I'm not really comfortable with having my pics on display ( it's taking me sometime to realise no one will snigger 'that's the bird from match' at me in the supermarket) I'll keep trying though! smile bloody really feeling lonely this week and it annoys me.

feelinlucky Sun 20-Oct-13 22:38:20

Monster you're just as entitled to date as anyone else. There is no shame.

FolkGirl Mon 21-Oct-13 03:43:11

Monster I felt a little bit odd to begin with. Whenever someone looked at me in the supermarket or the petrol station I wondered if they'd recognised me... I sometimes feel like I'm walking around on a parade float, and then I realised that, even if they did, it didn't matter anyway!

You could just as easily recognise them. And what would you think if you did?

"I recognise him, I wonder where from... he doesn't look like someone I'd encounter normally... Oh he's probably on Match... Which apples shall I get today?"

Firstly, I did see someone I recognised from there and that is precisely the thought process I had.

Secondly, when you meet someone you've been chatting to for a couple of weeks, and whose photos you've studied intently several times, you still worry you won't recognise them. The chance of someone recognising you because they've seen your face on a search result is very slim.

And thirdly, so what if they did! They'd have only seen you because they were also on there for exactly the same reason you are!

I'm going to PM you too smile

FolkGirl Mon 21-Oct-13 04:02:56

If I message someone I keep it short and sweet. Say something nice and positive and then put the ball in their court if they want to chat.

Think about the sort of message you'd want to receive.

Twiddlebum Mon 21-Oct-13 04:15:36

What's POF?

POF is Plenty of fish. I met my husband on there.

Bant Mon 21-Oct-13 09:47:35

Qwerty - I think men can ask for more photos for several different reasons - obviously there are the morons who are fishing for wank fodder, and some might be suspicious they're talking to a truck driver from Colchester named Dave, but if there are only face shots, it's only fair to ask for a full body picture to see the rest of someone.

I saw a date go disastrously wrong a few months ago, when I was reading my book in a cafe in town. A woman turned up, checked her phone to match the faces of men to the photo, saw the guy she was meeting and sat down with him. He did a visible double- take, however because her face was very pretty and slim, but her body was significantly larger, and she'd chosen to wear a boob tube (or whatever they're called nowadays) which left rolls of fat hanging over her too-tight waistband. It was really not the best choice. She may have been lovely, witty, and fantastic company but the guy was obviously trying to match the face to the body and getting annoyed she'd misled him.

It's like a bloke turning up for a date and being only 5'2 when he made himself out to be 6'.

So, I've learned to ask for full length photos if they only have a facial pic, not because I only date slim women (I actually prefer non-skinny) but because I want to know how honest they are. I only do that after several exchanges of messages though.

If they won't send one then I generally go off them. I'll send more of me if they're not happy with the three or four I've got.

CuChullain Mon 21-Oct-13 10:17:26

If you have three or four 'normal' photos that convey your appearence and these men are asking for 'more' then sadly they are probably looking for cheap thrills, as if you have a ready stash of soft porn shots at your disposal just in case some stranger asks for them! On the flip side, these losers have done you a favour and made it much easier for you to put them on ignore! I have no experience of POF but I did meet Mrs CuChullain via match.com, which seemed to have lots of people actually looking for a relationships rather then casual flings.

CuChullain Mon 21-Oct-13 10:29:56

@monstermissy

Without giving details where do you live? At one point I was using both match and Time Out, the latter being much more London specific but also yielded plenty of dates, might be worth a look?

Also, it might be stating the obvious but have you taken time to write up an interesting profile? Have you had some trusted mates to read it and provide feedback? I was very surprised how many women left blank profiles or some glib line like "Hi, if you want to know more email me" which is hardly alluring! Also, there were lots of people who wrote at length at what they did not like in a partner rather then looking at the positives. It gets a bit depressing reading a check list of "must be over 6ft, must have gone to uni, must earn over x, must love classical music, must go to the gym, must not be bald".

Finally, how proactive are you in terms of sending emails or winks yourself? There also seems to be a strange school of thought by a large minority of women out there who seem to think that it is only the men who should do the chasing while they sit back and wait for the date offers to role in.

feelinlucky Mon 21-Oct-13 10:31:50

I'm going through a very dry patch on Pof at the moment. I've changed my profile A bit and wondering if I've gone wrong somewhere. I've tried match and it's ok but I do think you find the same guys on the free sites so it feels like a little bit of a waste of money. Friends have encouraged guardian soul mates but I think it's heavily weighted with London folk and therefore the options are sparse for me. Again, I've seen the same guys on the free sites. Has anyone tried a formal dating agency?

CuChullain Mon 21-Oct-13 10:38:16

@ feelinlucky

You should post your profile on here for some constructive MN feedback!

(if you are feeling brave)

feelinlucky Mon 21-Oct-13 11:03:22

I don't mind someone having a look . Any takers pm me.

Bant Mon 21-Oct-13 11:41:18

feelin - you do get the same profiles from Match on POF, generally - people use multiple sites all the time as OD is generally a numbers game.

But - you don't have to wade through quite as much dross on the paid sites. There is still dross, you will still get marrieds and knobshots and idiots, but not quite so many of them as on the free sites.

Personally I prefer OK cupid as you can immediately tell whether someone has invested time in filling out questions and stuff, not just put up a blank profile and started winking at people (I really don't understand why people do that - both men and women - do they think their wink is somehow so seductive that you'll be interested in talking to someone with no photos or description?)

So OKC is free but better quality than POF - I'd say it's on a par with Match for dross/normal ratio. POF is just depressing.

PM me any profiles you want a blokes perspective on.

feelinlucky Mon 21-Oct-13 17:09:33

Bant. An update! So, following your wise advice I'm little miss popular today smile thank you

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