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BF picking DD up from school.

(44 Posts)
TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 22:40:35

Firstly, I'm new here so Hi smile

My daughter is 4 and just started school. My boyfriend and I haven't been together long, 3 months or so but we knew each other for a long time before we got together, we were childhood friends. Anyway, after DD's dad left me we reconnected and DD got to know him as mummys friend when we went to parties and stuff (we have a lot of friends in common). I have applied for a new job and the hours mean I may or may not be able to drop DD or pick her up from school sometimes. My mum has offered and it would be lovely if she could but she is on the other side of town so will cost her in fuel. BF has offered to help out by picking her up if the after school club doesn't run later than my work hours. What I'm wondering is, is it too soon for him to feel responsible like this? I would never have asked him but as he's offered and he doesn't have to travel far as we live a stones throw from each other. There is still the issue that sometimes he will be in work but my mum said she wouldn't mind anyway. (DD'sDad will NOT do it and frankly I don't want him to but that's a whole other thread)

what do people here think? Too soon or..?

Thanks smile

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Wed 16-Oct-13 22:57:13

The main thing I would be concerned about is the relationship is young and you can't really assume that it's permanent. If he doors the school run and then it doesn't work out, how much will the change in routine upset your dd? How much will the school run mean getting involved with school culture (other mums, holidays, talking to school staff etc)?
If I was your, I'd feel it's a bit early.

Lweji Wed 16-Oct-13 23:06:58

I was going to agree that it is too soon, but upon reflection it might not be so different from having a child minder and then changing after a few months.
I'd be more worried about how he takes it and if he won't use it against you at some point.

So, maybe start by maybe a day a week and slowly see how things go?

TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 23:20:19

Thanks for your replies smile

To be honest, when it comes to school culture, I'm not sure what you mean lol!

How who takes it Lweji? You mean her father? He'd hate it but I have asked him if he wanted to do the odd school run when I've had interviews etc and he's refused. Weekends are when he's a father and that's that. School isn't his problem. He won't even do homework with her and says the school run is a waste of fuel.

It's likely my mum will do them, she's very close to DD but she works 2 jobs herself so there's going to be the time where she can't do it and I'm stuck.

Lweji Wed 16-Oct-13 23:24:48

I meant your boyfriend.
If it becomes his responsibility he could resent it at some point, or expect something in return, even though he offered.
If you do take up his offer, look out for any signs of twattishness.

But why not use him, as you'd ask a friend or relative for when your mum can't?

TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 23:38:01

Oh yes. I don't know if he's capable of resentment. Even as a kid he was a sweet little gem who'd do anything for anyone. (I used to fancy the pants off him! Lol). He's very good with her when he's here and has sat with her for 20 minutes when I've gone to the shop for dinner and took her to football (only while I ran home to get a few things). I never ask because I know what people are like. "been together 5 minutes and he's already playing daddy" but it's not the case. They just get along smile

humphryscorner Wed 16-Oct-13 23:47:29

For me it would be too soon, but each to their own.

ThatsNotMyLifeItsTooCrappy Wed 16-Oct-13 23:51:55

You know him better than we do. But why didn't he go to the shop and you stay with your DD?

TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 23:54:35

'Cause I knew what I wanted... I trust him. I know his past given I was there for a lot of it and I know him well. Leaving her with him for 10-20 minutes never seemed like a problem. Until you said that lol.

Thanks for replies anyway. I haven't even got the job yet so premature anyway. Probably jinxed myself now!

morethanpotatoprints Wed 16-Oct-13 23:57:43

OP, I agree with those that have said too soon, but also once again because of the school culture.

TheSirenCalledToMe Wed 16-Oct-13 23:58:15

Can someone explain school culture reference?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 06:45:30

Some parents get very involved in what we're calling school culture. Becoming close friends with other parents in particular, organising play dates with children your dd makes friends with, perhaps talking to teachers. Would he start going to parents meetings with you or responding to letters sent home about school matters? Would this mean he is entitled to an opinion about such things as if he is an equal parent? This means he wouldn't just be giving her a list but would be fully inserted into an important element of both your lives and would have the responsibility which goes with it. It's worth thinking about whether you're comfortable with that at this stage. I would want to define some very clear boundaries and ensure that I also do the school run plenty too so that I don't end up actually left it of these things.

Jaynebxl Thu 17-Oct-13 07:29:40

Blimey! I can't see how sometimes doing the pick up could possibly lead to the stuff Guy is talking about. I have various friends who pick my kids up sometimes for me with no detrimental effect. I'd go for it and if by any chance this relationship doesn't work out then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. I'd have no qualms about leaving her briefly with someone I'd known so long either. The only thing I would be looking out for is signs that he was getting fed up of helping out with her, but then that would probably make me question the relationship anyway.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 07:33:38

Christ I'm not saying it WOULD lead to that, but they are questions worth thinking about aren't they?

BooHissy Thu 17-Oct-13 07:39:46

Please take responsibility for YOUR child.

Get a childminder. Leave your relationship to found itself, be a couple, not a jigsaw family.

Don't do this, not now, way too soon. Wrong message to your daughter and to the world in general.

Dahlen Thu 17-Oct-13 07:56:37

I've been with my BF for 16 months. We don't live together. He works shifts and due to losing my lovely CM to maternity leave, he has offered to do this for me. There is no hidden agenda - he simply wants to help. I have declined his kind offer despite the fact it would make my life easier.

IMO no one should have access to my children or the ability to spend significant time with them unless they are (a) proven to be trustworthy and (b) very likely to be a significant feature of our lives for a long time to come.

For me, it's different from friends because friendships may wax and wane but if they're good-enough friendships to go down on the emergency contact/approved collection list they're going to be around long term even if your lives diverge a little. With a BF if the relationship comes to an end, that's normally when their involvement in your life (and that of your DC) ceases.

I trust my BF. That's not the issue. But access to my children is not something I'd entertain unless we were formally living together and committed to each other.

HairyGrotter Thu 17-Oct-13 07:56:48

Christ, do we all want our children raised in fear and horror of normal everyday things?

He is a family friend, I have my friends collect DD, along with sharp intake of breath followed by damning music my fiancé who isn't her biological dad shock...

Kids are pretty resilient and don't 'think' as deeply as we do, unless we force them to. If both are comfy, crack on. Also, school culture? Dafuq? I've not spoke to anyone other than the teacher at DD's school, fuck the culture, it's school, for them, the kids...

Man alive

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 08:00:19

Fairly polarised views then. Hope we've helped OP! grin

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 08:01:58

And hairy, it's not about him not being her biological dad and no one has even suggested it is! But there is a difference between a relationship with a fiancé who is clearly a permanent fixture and a very new relationship!

HairyGrotter Thu 17-Oct-13 08:12:59

OP has known this guy since childhood...I think it's fair to say she knows him more than, say, a bloke she met and just started dating 12 weeks ago.

Jaynebxl Thu 17-Oct-13 08:16:48

Fairly polarised views then. Hope we've helped OP!

This ^ grin

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 08:17:09

Doesn't make their relationship at the same stage as yours though.

Hellokitten Thu 17-Oct-13 08:45:26

I've only been with my boyfriend of a few weeks but have known him for 12 years. We were friends in high school. I let him take my son off for an adventure while I went shopping for his birthday present a couple of weeks ago. And myself and the kids just started staying over with him at his flat. I'd have no issues letting him do the school run sometimes. Probably not all the time, but maybe once or twice a week? Just so I didn't feel like I was taking advantage of him.
I'm pretty sure that if we broke up we would remain friends so I don't mind the closeness, as my kids are close to all my friends.

Vivacia Thu 17-Oct-13 09:02:01

I second boohissy's advice. Keep him as a boyfriend before you take him on as a father to your child.

I don't think I'd let him be such a big part of my daughter's life at only 3 months. More somebody to meet in the park for an ice cream than someone to sit on the sofa with.

Vivacia Thu 17-Oct-13 09:02:59

Also, a childcare arrangement will put pressures on the relationship and make it harder to disentangle yourselves should either want to.

Lweji Thu 17-Oct-13 10:25:14

Not all polarised. smile

I'd say it's ok, but not as a permanent fixture, rather starting slowly and see how it goes.

TheSirenCalledToMe Thu 17-Oct-13 12:37:03

Wow. I was only asking if it'd be ok for him to pick her up from school once or twice. Not become a replacement father... It's not a childcare arrangement, it's a favour.

"Also, school culture? Dafuq? I've not spoke to anyone other than the teacher at DD's school, fuck the culture, it's school, for them, the kids..."

Thank you! I talk to parents, but we don't plait each others hair and haven't synced periods that I know of... One of the parents I speak to is on the same football team as BF xD

TheSirenCalledToMe Thu 17-Oct-13 12:44:39

Some parents get very involved in what we're calling school culture. Becoming close friends with other parents in particular, organising play dates with children your dd makes friends with, perhaps talking to teachers. I don't. Only time I speak with teachers is if she needs some sort of kit the next day IE Forest school.

Would he start going to parents meetings with you or responding to letters sent home about school matters? No he's collecting her from school not becoming a father.

Would this mean he is entitled to an opinion about such things as if he is an equal parent? As above. He isn't her parent, he's literally picking her up.

I would want to define some very clear boundaries and ensure that I also do the school run plenty too so that I don't end up actually left it of these things. I did say sometimes, it's a part time job. Possibly not even in the week that's why I've said IF.

Vivacia Thu 17-Oct-13 12:50:50

Who is Dafuq?

TheSirenCalledToMe Thu 17-Oct-13 12:51:45

Slang term for "what the fuck"

Vivacia Thu 17-Oct-13 12:57:16

I was being disingenuous.

TheSirenCalledToMe Thu 17-Oct-13 13:02:30

Lesson learned.

elastamum Thu 17-Oct-13 13:12:32

Sometimes as a LP you just have to do what you can to keep the wheels on the bus. Only you know what is right for your DC.

My DC have over the years been picked up by me or when I am at work by various au pairs, my cleaner, their dad (more often now than previously as he now lives nearby), my friend, my BF, his eldest son!

They dont appear to have been unduly scarred by all this.

TheSirenCalledToMe Thu 17-Oct-13 13:16:29

Does your cleaner make parental decisions regarding school matters? smile

elastamum Thu 17-Oct-13 13:19:01

She has an opinion on most things! grin

BelleDameSansMerci Thu 17-Oct-13 13:21:05

For goodness sake! It's an occasional pick-up from school/school club by someone the OP has known since she was a child.

You trust him and he has offered. If your DD is happy with it why not?

TheSirenCalledToMe Thu 17-Oct-13 13:25:43

It'd be like an adventure for her. She always did like him, he's a big kid himself and she knows one flutter of her ginger eyelashes and the milky bars are on him. She knows a lot of my friends as a close nip community we're always round each others houses but BF (before he was BF) she got along with differently to the others.

BooHissy Thu 17-Oct-13 14:45:03

You have backtracked enormously, compare your OP with subsequent posts.

Your op read as an ongoing arrangement.

You are being lazy and irresponsible wrt your role as a parent.

You work, you sustain your home, your child, your childcare responsibility.

When you have established a serious relationship with a future, then go for it, but if this doesn't work out, the arrangement in your OP smacks of shunting your DD off to the boyfriend, cos you cba to source professional child care like the rest of us have to.

In a year or so, you can revisit, but you're giving a man you don't know romantically well full and clear access to the most precious person in your life, and while i'm not saying he's bad or good or dangerous or safe, he's a NEW Boyf, and you need to establish that relationship in isolation to that with your daughter.

Don't fall into easy and comfortable arrangements, they can kill off a relationship and compromise your independence/reasoning when it comes to what's best for you and your family.

You end up relying on this guy, and if he doesn't make the grade, you are in massive danger of allowing it to go on when it could be harming you and your little girl.

Back it all off a bit, do things properly.

BooHissy Thu 17-Oct-13 14:47:07

Not that i'm saying anything, but look at all the stories of dysfunctional step dads/parents partners... always those that groom are called 'big kid'

If they were gruff adults, they'd not get near their targets.

HairyGrotter Thu 17-Oct-13 14:49:04

Erm, look at all the dysfunctional biological parent evidence too...well, that escalated quickly confused

BooHissy Thu 17-Oct-13 15:52:39

Oh sure, but as I said, i'm not saying anything is suggesting this at all, but being a 'big kid' does not mean anything when it comes to safeguarding our children.

Men do befriend mother's to gain access and it has to be in our minds, regardless who that person is.

We have a responsibility to think, and not put people in situations they may not be suited to/for.

Our children have to come first, and not be stuffed into our relationship too early. It's not fair on anyone.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Thu 17-Oct-13 19:45:01

Wow. Really aggressive response to a polite suggestion of asking yourself some questions and defining some boundaries which is reasonable advice in anyone's book. Advice which you asked for.
Not sure what the this 'dafuck' business is but don't ask for advice and opinions if you aren't willing to listen. I have no problem with anyone rejecting advice I give- advice is there to help you form your own opinion- but don't be fucking rude to people who are trying to help.

If you want to be told what you want to hear, maybe try Netmums?

Sparklysilversequins Thu 17-Oct-13 21:51:49

"Kids are pretty resilient and don't think as deeply as we do, unless we force them to".

Not as kids maybe but certainly with hindsight when they get older and think we an adults perspective of what their childhood was like. Things that were fine for me as a child certainly don't feel fine when I look back now.

OP I wouldn't, mainly because its too soon but I also think it looks pretty bad and could possible make you a target for gossip.

Spelt Thu 17-Oct-13 22:25:08

I think it's a bit rude to swear at someone who has given you polite advice that you have asked for.

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