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what do u make of this text exchange?

(83 Posts)
rarerabbitt Wed 16-Oct-13 11:09:03

basically i accidentally stumbled on a text conversation when dps phone rang and it rang off back to the text page

a lot of texts from a womans name ive never heard of lets call her A

DP - what happened with u and x(male collegue)
A - nothing he just got cuddles like you smile
DP - well i think more happened with X
A- maybe ill propose u can be a bridesmaid
DP - great ill send u my dress size

a couple of days later

is B (another female name ) helping this week?
A - hope not shes useless theres a few people thatd like to slap her
DP you would definatly win in a fight when are you back? your much better looking
A not sure
dp - i need the eye candy

next day

DP any more news on u and X?
A no
DP does that mean im in with a chance?
A - no im staying away from boys
DP im going to jump of the nearest bridge then

later that evening when he was out at the pub

a pic of him and a male collegue
A - i miss my pals
DP we miss u too

what do you make of this i havent said anything yet but hes never mentioned this woman to me so i find it al a bit odd and upsetting i dont want him to think im snooping.

been together 9 years 2 dc and i thought we were happy enough sad

It sounds like flirting to me.
Doesn't sound like anything has happened though.
Nip it in the bud right now!
Have a sit down and discuss why he feels the need to flirt with other women. Stay silent and see what he has to say.
It does seem quite harmless right now so keep it that way.

holstenlips Wed 16-Oct-13 11:15:04

Im sorry I won't be much help but I have been through similar recently with my fiance.
I couldn't live with the fact that he was trying to "cop off" with another woman although he said it was harmless flirting and so did she (I text her too)
It really hurts.
You need to confront him I think. See what his reaction is?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Oct-13 11:15:46

What is he 17 years old? hmm He needs to grow up. It's a fairly flirty conversation, it's pretty pathetic and I'd tell him exactly what you'd read and ask who all these people are and what they're 'helping' with. Helping at the pub, perhaps? Is 'A' a barmaid?

Cat98 Wed 16-Oct-13 11:16:33

I would be very upset. It's really disrespectful to you, asking if he's 'in with a chance' with another woman, whether joking or not its horrible.

squeaver Wed 16-Oct-13 11:16:35

I agree. I don't think he's up to anything but he clearly fancies this woman. She's not doing much to discourage it but he's making all the running.

He's really being a bit of a twat. Don't really have any advice on how to handle it, I'm afraid, but I'm sure many others will.

GrannyBubble Wed 16-Oct-13 11:16:46

It could be just a bit of harmless flirting or it could mean something more than that, either way I wouldn't be happy.

If it was me I would confront him, tell him you accidently stumbled on the messages and ask him for an explanation.

Good luck, I hope it is just harmless flirting and nothing worse.

squeaver Wed 16-Oct-13 11:17:55

Actually, reading it again, I think he's being a pest and she's trying to swat him away.

learnasyougo Wed 16-Oct-13 11:18:02

My take: he isn't sleeping with her, but he likes to think he's on with a chance.

He's making a tit of himself, she isn't keen on him. Snooping or no, I'd have a word.

H2Ointolerant Wed 16-Oct-13 11:18:27

Flirting yes, but he's pursuing and she's deflecting him (at the moment) but enjoying it.

Would be a big fat NOT COOL from me if it were my DP/DH.

He'll probably trot out the 'just mates, one of the lads' bollocks, but it reads that he'd be in there given half a chance.

I'd be spitting chips. Sorry you're going through this.

givemeaboost Wed 16-Oct-13 11:22:34

Id be furious tbh, he clearly fancies her and thinks hes in with a chance- for that alone id go mad. Not sure what you do after confronting him- he will obviously deny it and say you are taking his words out of context or some shit....then what?

personally I would continue to observe/check his txts and see how far he takes it, after all it sounds like he jump at the chance if she was offering, sorrysad.

rarerabitt Wed 16-Oct-13 11:24:48

no no ones a barmaid sorry if that bit was confusing

they all work for the same organisation but diffrent branches so they dont know each other well as theres a geographic spread but they possibly have met before

last week (the week in question) they were all away from home in the same place

he added a girl of the same name on facebook last week

i dont want to do anything in haste so im gathering myself to confront him in the right way all your takes are helpful!

willyoulistentome Wed 16-Oct-13 11:26:34

Oh Dear!!!

rarerabitt Wed 16-Oct-13 11:27:23

yes that was my thoughts givemeaboost

im not the paranoid type and haven't ever done (or thought id needed to) the checking phone thing

holstenlips Wed 16-Oct-13 11:27:53

How is your relationship generally? Does he have any form for this? I ask because my fiance had been married twice and had been u faithful twice. Starting both times with emailing women. It made me realise it was "him" and that I couldn't change that.

tingle1 Wed 16-Oct-13 11:28:11

Your being far too precious, its work banter.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Oct-13 11:28:48

Oh dear, indeed. I think 'haste' (speed) is required here. He's clearly trying to prepare the ground for the next trip away and hoping she'll weaken. Pathetic...

Owllady Wed 16-Oct-13 11:29:17

My 12 yr texts one his girl friends like that, but I forgive him because he is 12 (and so is she)

holstenlips Wed 16-Oct-13 11:30:10

Given my fiances texts were more sexual. But still, not harmless because now your relationship is underminedin my oopinion.

rarerabitt Wed 16-Oct-13 11:30:57

i thought it was good generally we have been together since a young age.

i dont know about form as i say ive not checked anything all these texts had lots of xxx at the end which isn't like him either

rarerabitt Wed 16-Oct-13 11:31:45

hes 29 ...

TobyLerone Wed 16-Oct-13 11:32:07

She doesn't sound interested at all.

The only part of this which would bother me is the part where he asks if he's in with a chance.

GobblersKnob Wed 16-Oct-13 11:33:21

Just sounds like banter to me.

oscarwilde Wed 16-Oct-13 11:33:59

He's being very flirty, and is heading towards an emotional affair in my view. She's enjoying the attention but doesn't sound like she is that interested and I'd agree with H2O and Learnasyougo. He's making a fool of himself or is well on the way to doing so.
I'd take photos of the messages, keep an eye for a bit and then read the riot act.
Or you could make friends with her on Facebook / tag photos of him and yourself so that you and the kids are regularly popping up on his feed and she can clearly see that he's married with kids and is being an arse.

nipersvest Wed 16-Oct-13 11:34:29

tingle - what kind of environment do you work with if that's just normal work banter in your view?!

GobblersKnob Wed 16-Oct-13 11:36:15

Banter where I work is far worse grin and I love my dp to distraction.

coppertop Wed 16-Oct-13 11:36:28

The texts read as though they were sent by a teenage boy to a girl he fancies.

I would ask him to read those texts out loud. I think sometimes people can get carried away with texting and forget that those are 'real' words. Having to say them out loud to his dp may just make him wake up to what he has actually been saying to another woman.

Cat98 Wed 16-Oct-13 11:36:48

Not the sort of banter my dh would be having and expect to stay with me. Sorry but I feel strongly about this sort of thing, having been around loads of men who cheat and also behave like this with other women. My thoughts are always with their poor wives who haven't got a clue.
Not saying your dh is cheating op, but regardless I'd be livid, it's so disrespectful.

HotCrossPun Wed 16-Oct-13 11:37:03

It's clear flirting on his part, if she responded I think he would cheat.

You need to decide whether or not this is something you can move on from since it doesn't look like he has actually cheated yet (with this woman).

For me, that would be a dealbreaker. It shows a complete lack of respect for you and your relationship

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Oct-13 11:37:06

@oscarwilde... It's not the female colleague's job to keep the OP's partner on the straight and narrow. She presumably already knows he's married with kids. If he's persistent and she's single and she fancied a bunk-up on the work trip... who's going to blame her if she responds to the flatter? Certainly not me. The conversation has to be with the DP. He's the one to warn off.

Cat98 Wed 16-Oct-13 11:38:41

I agree, I wouldn't blame the other girl, assuming she's single - it doesn't sound like she's doing much to encourage this guy from the text exchange posted!

ICameOnTheJitney Wed 16-Oct-13 11:39:56

Banter happens fact to face...not by text! OP I would hit the roof...absolutely NO excuses for this.

HotCrossPun Wed 16-Oct-13 11:40:04

tingle1 Really? Precious? Its not precious to expect your DP to be faithful to you and not go round chasing other women like a hormonal schoolboy. If you would be totally okay with that then it says a lot more about you and your relationship that the OP.

ICameOnTheJitney Wed 16-Oct-13 11:40:39

And what "cuddles" is she talking about? When? Sounds very off.

TeaAndSconesTwice Wed 16-Oct-13 11:41:32

Sounds like flirting, although I would say he likes her & she is not interested.
Problem is though if she was interested what could/would happen.
I wouldn't be happy with this.

LaRegina Wed 16-Oct-13 11:42:54

To me it sounds like a bit of heavy duty flirting. I would say nothing physical has happened but IMO your P had definitely crossed a line and is being totally disrespectful to you sad

I would spell it out to him that that kind of exchange is absolutely not on. TBH for me it would be enough to question the whole relationship - finding something like that would give me major trust issues.

Sorry this has happened op.

oscarwilde Wed 16-Oct-13 11:47:59

I agree Cogito, however in this instance FB is a useful way of putting a face to a wife and family if none exists on his profile. The OP may not want to push the big nuclear button just yet, especially if another woman is prepared to point out to her husband that he is making a fool out of himself, being totally inappropriate in a work environment and if he doesn't cease and desist, it will be a harassment conversation with HR.
Occasionally it can be handy to have someone else point out this stuff. We've all made fools of ourself occasionally (though not necessarily like this) and would prefer that our nearest and dearest weren't aware of it.

eurochick Wed 16-Oct-13 11:53:29

It's clearly flirtatious. I'd want to know about the reference to cuddles in your shoes.

bless you. i would feel sick to the stomach.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Wed 16-Oct-13 12:01:25

I wouldn't be with someone so clearly chasing someone else and doing it sounding like a 15 year old.

PatoBanton Wed 16-Oct-13 12:02:57

It's flirting, no doubt about that - sounds like the sort of pathetic shite some blokes come out with when they're at work and think their wife is a safe bet at home and they can just try and prove they still 'have it' iykwim...but they don't...

I wouldn't think he is in with a chance with her but to me, I could not sustain a relationship with a man who was so crap. sad

PatoBanton Wed 16-Oct-13 12:03:50

Sorry that sounds like I'm saying you're married to a dick...I didn't mean it that way. He's probably got some good qualities.

Jan45 Wed 16-Oct-13 12:07:18

This is not normal work banter, it's more than that, it's blatant flirting on a scale that would start an affair or at least he's trying to perhaps get something going with this woman.

I'd be asking him why he feels the need for a start, it couldn't be any more disrespectful towards you as his wife.

idococktailshedoesbeer Wed 16-Oct-13 12:07:45

I think it's flirting, an ego boost for them both. She really does sound a delight, loving the attention from blokes and hating the women.

You need to tell your DP it must stop immediately. Tell him exactly how you felt reading those text messages. You should be the most important person in his life and he should be mortified he has upset you. He should be happy to show you their exchanges until you feel you can trust him again.

MerryMarigold Wed 16-Oct-13 12:08:18

It's very flirty and could lead somewhere. Agree with taking photos of messages somehow and then confronting him about it. Would he like it if you had that kind of banter with a man?

rarerabitt Wed 16-Oct-13 12:18:26

The thing about jumping off a bridge is what got me why say that (jokeingly ) when u already have a partner (we aren't married) at home with your kids?

And why be so intrested in what's happening or happened with her and this other bloke?

He's tagged in pics of the kids on fb doesn't put anything on his fb himself really he's not that in to it.

It just puts question on everything and the fact he's been having sex with me whilst sending these texts makes my skin crawl

He doesn't like me dealing with other blokes full stop let alone texting them crap with kisses on the end!

Twinklestein Wed 16-Oct-13 12:20:35

nothing he just got cuddles like you

Cuddles could mean anything from a hug to a bunk up...

What would alarm me is how persistently he is pursuing her, the only thing that seems to be holding him back is her lack of enthusiasm.

MortifiedAdams Wed 16-Oct-13 12:21:54

he just got cuddles like you Wtaf?!?

MortifiedAdams Wed 16-Oct-13 12:22:11

Oh xpost

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 16-Oct-13 12:23:37

"Occasionally it can be handy to have someone else point out this stuff"

Oh yes... cowardice really does a lot for self-esteem. hmm I think you're quite wrong. The OP has to say I don't like this behaviour and it is disrespectful to me. Not delegate it to HR departments or hope random female colleagues sort him out.

Twinklestein Wed 16-Oct-13 12:23:54

And why be so intrested in what's happening or happened with her and this other bloke?

Well quite, he's clearly jealous and it's difficult to know from the texts whether that's based on any physical contact...

Mapleissweet Wed 16-Oct-13 12:50:16

This girl sounds like the office tease. Encouraging and enjoying the attention.
Your dp is treating you with such disrespect. He needs reminding how lucky he is to have a lovely dp and children. He is taking you for granted. Having sex with you and then bantering all day with a colleague is very poor form.
Advice, let him dig a hole before you confront him. Focus on yourself and treat yourself well.

LaRegina Wed 16-Oct-13 12:54:34

This girl sounds like the office tease.

That's a role I've never seen advertised. Does it pay well? grin

Dahlen Wed 16-Oct-13 13:00:14

I'd be livid. Banter is one thing. This is a man quite persistently pursuing a woman. I'm not sure she's the office tease. I'd say her answers show her trying to deflect him without coming straight out and telling him to leave her alone. She could have left his texts unanswered I suppose, but I wonder if he's in a position whether he either has authority over her or can make her life difficult. He is the one who keeps steering the conversation back to flirting.

EachDay Wed 16-Oct-13 13:04:42

I think if this was spoken banter, in the office in front of other people it wold be harmless and fun. I agree, she's not interested, but she's enjoying the attention.

The fact that they're going to the "trouble" of texting when they're apart means at the very least she's on his mind far too much. How often does he text you during the day?

It is notable that he started all the exchanges?

EachDay Wed 16-Oct-13 13:08:38

Ooh, actually he sent the first and last text in each exchange - which makes him a bit a bit sad and needy, he obviously would have liked each exchange to go on longer.

Vivacia Wed 16-Oct-13 13:10:24

I'd LTB for the text speak alone.

I don't think he's cheating. I don't think he intends cheating. However the flirting is embarrassingly adolescent and disrespectful to you.

moldingsunbeams Wed 16-Oct-13 13:19:55

I don't think he is cheating.

Myself and a very gay male friend banter in a similar but not quite so adolescent way. There is definately not anything going on with us.

I am single but I can imagine if I wasn't some of our conversations might become an issue.

noseymcposey Wed 16-Oct-13 13:25:35

I think if you confront and explain just how you feel it might hopefully be the cold hard shock of getting caught out that doesn't happen to some blokes until too late. If I was you, I would treat it much the same as if he had actually been up to something - in terms of telling how upset you are.

Good luck OP, hopefully this will be a warning and he can look at any issues he might have and have a word with himself before things have gone too far.

flippingebay Wed 16-Oct-13 13:41:37

It sounds like he's being the flirty one and she's trying to keep it level
Nip it in the bud now - to me it's boarder ing on unacceptable

ElizabethBathory Wed 16-Oct-13 13:48:04

"he just got cuddles like you"
"I need the eye candy"
"does that mean I'm in with a chance"

Even if nothing's happened (and it sounds like at least "cuddles" have hmm) I would be very, very angry with him if he were my DH, and extremely doubtful about whether I could trust him. Acceptable flirting (to me) is much, much lighter than that and can be done in front of one's partner!

And "I need the eye candy"? What a twat.

Noteveryday Wed 16-Oct-13 13:49:32

I used to message my male friends like this, we all did. When I was in 6th form.

Just reading the cuddles bit made me feel horribly embarrassed for all of you I'm afraid. If my H did this I would have no respect for him whatsoever.

She is probably about 22 and would be horrified to see him in his pants scratching his arse watching football.

VoodooHexDoll Wed 16-Oct-13 14:05:36

Sounds like he would cheat on you if he had the chance. I would not build a future with this man as I would want 100% trust and loyalty. It would make me think hes not that in to me if he is chasing other women and I desever better.


I would tell him what I found and how I felt and ask him to move out so I could find someone better personally. Life is to short to waste it on someone that is not comminted to me.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 16-Oct-13 14:07:40

No sorry, having been cheated on and remembering back to how dp headed down that 'slippery slope' (texting, 'chatting') this would ring alarm bells.

If it's harmless banter then why doesn't the dp in question show the OP the texts, laugh about them with her?

Harmless banter is one thing, this is different.

Sorry OP, I'd be taking screenshots of everything you've found and I'd be having firm words!

holstenlips Wed 16-Oct-13 17:24:59

How do you feel about the messages op?

eggyhead Wed 16-Oct-13 17:42:52

Blimey, that could be my boss!

I am happily married and not in the slightest bit interested in him. We do have a great relationship but I have got really annoyed and told him to fug off a few of times. Within no time he has forgotten and is flirting again.

To be honest, it really gets on my nerves. I used to laugh it off now I just blank him when he starts being a pest.

No alcohol for me at company dos... sad

Takingbackmonday Wed 16-Oct-13 17:48:54

I have "inappropriate" banter with a work colleague/friend but I've never hidden it from DP and I made sure they met early on so no secrets, saw dynamics of our friendship etc.

Could be harmless, unless he hides it or panics

rarerabitt Wed 16-Oct-13 19:37:29

I feel it's disrespectful but don't know when the lines blur into cheating I don't think this is cheating but to me for him to even be thinking of another woman sexily is wrong but actually telling her is even worse is

actively wanting to cheat as bad as actually doing it though that's what u can't figure out ?

eggyhead Wed 16-Oct-13 20:07:51

Yes, it is wrong and given the chance my boss would go for it I think. He has never been given a green light though!

I've told him DH knows my email and phone passwords (which he does) but it doesn't make any difference.

In my case, I put it down to mid-life crisis. Much as I like him (and I really do), I would be kicking him into touch if he was my DH.

This is the other side of the exchange. The other person isn't always reciprocating...

holstenlips Wed 16-Oct-13 20:10:41

Trust your gut instincts. And also if you confront him you will get a lot of info from his immediate reaction.
Do you feel you can talk to him about it?

Leavenheath Wed 16-Oct-13 20:12:55

Look, it sounds like your partner would be like a rat up a drainpipe if this colleague gave him the nod. He's the one doing the pursuing and flirting and she's either uncomfortable and doesn't know how to handle it or she's enjoying the attention. Frankly, if some attached bloke had been texting me this drivel when I was old enough to go to work (in those days they just said the words or wrote crappy notes) I'd have told him where to get off (and did) but she might not be that assertive.

Forget all this angsty stuff about it not being cheating (yet). You can prove he's being blatantly disrespectful to you and your relationship. You've already said he'd hit the roof if you did this with another bloke, so if he comes out with any crap about this being 'banter', reverse it.

As ever though, it really doesn't matter whether he lies says he wouldn't mind you acting like this. You mind, don't you?

OhBabyLilyMunster Wed 16-Oct-13 20:23:44

It looks like he would be all over her if he got chance. My dh would be kicked into next fucking week for such a pathetic, disrespectful and embarrassing exchange.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Wed 16-Oct-13 20:29:41

Id be furious.

And id be even more furious if my partner tried to fob me off by using the word "banter" which im pretty sure your partner will, that word infuriates me especially when used as an excuse for inappropriate behaviour.

Id confront him.

Looksgoodingravy Wed 16-Oct-13 20:44:34

It's totally disrespectful, asking if he's 'in with a chance' 'I need the eye candy', ' I'm going to jump of the nearest bridge' ffs! Tell him to grow up!

Seriously OP, get yourself Just 'good friends' by Shirley Glass and read it together with your dp. Sounds like he needs a reality check!

ALittleStranger Wed 16-Oct-13 20:49:53

I'm a little bit agog at people who think this is normal banter. I've "bantered" like this with colleagues before. But only when a shag was in the offing.

I think this is just banter. I don't agree with ALS though I'm happily with my DP and I have bantered like is with a male colleague and their was no chance of a shag ever happening

CloverkissSparklecheeks Wed 16-Oct-13 21:13:02

I would be really upset to find something like this on DHs phone, I would have to confront him! The bit about the 'cuddles' would really bother me.

I think banter only happens face to face, to go out of your way to text another woman is completely wrong IMO.

If I was you I would speak to him, you found it by accident, if it is innocent then he will not be cross with you - I think his reaction will tell you everything!

BeCool Wed 16-Oct-13 21:19:03

reads like he is making a huge twat of himself, but yes he is certainly trying to cop off with his colleague.

I would be very upset and question our relationship.

I've been on the receiving end of this kind of banter (though when I've been single) and they def wanted to shag me.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Wed 16-Oct-13 21:45:49

I would be really bothered by this. Appalling behaviour, not just 'banter' at all x


office tease? nothing the female said was untoward.

he on the other hand is trying his luck. op I would pull him up on this.

BigDomsWife Wed 16-Oct-13 22:07:41

He is trying very hard to get into her Knickers but she is (politely) telling him to fuckoff.

CloverkissSparklecheeks Thu 17-Oct-13 08:53:08

when I read your post hash I thought you were completely wrong about her but now I have reread it I think she is trying to be polite, the only thing she said was about the 'cuddles' that sounds a bit dodgy but out of contaxt could mean a cuddle when saying goodbye from a night out, something we would often do at work or with friends (not at work just after a night out).

Something similar happened to me recently with an old flame and I never told him to fuck off but I just replied to his messages in a very generic way but what he had said was fairly incriminating to him.

wallypops Sun 20-Oct-13 03:35:27

Ask your dp for a definition of cuddles?

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