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Well...looks like she's leaving!(46 Posts)
I'm devastated. I live in Dorset, have 3 wonderful children and a wife who I love with all my heart.
She's leaving. It's all come as such a shock.
She told me a month ago that she didn't love me anymore. We were getting on so well, it came right out of the blue. Apparently she'd been feeling it for a while.
We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for all that time and I just miss talking to her. She is so detached and I'm very worried about her sanity. She doesn't seem herself, but the times we do talk we still have that camaraderie; the laughs, the looks, the connection!
We have had quite a tempestuous relationship, but we will, we are both passionate people. She's blaming the breakdown on a moment of stupidity on both our parts just short of a year ago. We went to counselling and half way through she stopped going (the counsellor asked her whether she thought she was being abusive to me - I don't think she ever has been, just angry at times). I carried on and I have made such in roads to improve myself, for the sake of myself and our relationship. I feel good about it, although now it appears in vain.
She's moving into a rented house tomorrow, hence why I'm not sleeping and posting for the first time on here. When I look at the jigsaw puzzle, none of the pieces fit together. None of this makes sense.
I personally believe she is going through a life crisis and I feel I'm bearing the brunt of her frustration. A couple of months ago she started going out with a (girl) friend of hers who was splitting up with her husband. In no time she had met all these new younger people down the pub (she's 35), it was then I started noticing a difference in her. She put back in her lip ring, belly button ring and several ear piercings that she hadn't worn in nearly 8 years (she took them out after the birth of our daughter). I'm not that gadgety a person, but noticed her phone going off a lot, some type of app where you send photos to each other, she'd send them to workmates and god knows who! I trust her, I don't think she's the infidelity sort. She has herself buried in her phone all the time and the computer too, it's been like that for ages. To the point where I feel she may have an unhealthy habit. She has also mentioned my age quite a lot recently (I'm 38), saying she doesn't want to be married to an old person (tongue in cheek, but it all adds to the puzzle)! Added to that, you could say we are tied to the children (2, 5 and 8) and that in itself is draining (as beautiful as they are), we don't have enough time for each other. It's all so sad.
Now I love this woman and I desperately don't want her to go. I know I need to let her though and it's tough. She needs space and I now need mine, but I want it to be the cataclysmic eureka moment that cements us together forever. I may be hoping for too much, maybe she doesn't love me and will never come back. When she goes I hope she can reflect on the fact that it isn't all me. After counselling I have carried out a lot of soul searching, maybe she needs the space to do the same.
A long post I know. I'm just looking for advice on how to get the love back, any words of wisdom. I do love her and I love my children. We would be foolish to throw the towel in now.
I'd say she's probably having an affair. Can you check her computer history/mobile phone records?
As for 'not wanting to be married to an old person'... one wonders what the ultimate aim of marriage is, in her book?
My temptation is to say you're well rid, but you sound like you're being taken advantage of.
Hi there OP
Sorry you are going through this. I am sure people with better advice than me will be along in the morning.
I think you are right, I think you both need time and space to think, you know you cannot make her love you again, only time will tell whether things can be turned around. But above all you both need space to breath right now.
I think sometimes its easier to turn to technology than have to talk and face what is happening, I know in the last stages of my marriage we were both on the internet not interacting at all in the hours we spent together, because it was easier.
I think also when you have been feeling a bit crap it can be tempting to want to re invent yourself and change the things you are unhappy with with your life. I did similar, I was trying to prove to myself that there was more to me than caring for the children. I think sometimes you can get stuck in a rut.
f it does get to a point where you are both open to the relationship again it is about making time away from the children to actually talk and spend time as a couple, it can be so easy to get bogged down with the daily grind of looking after children and work that you forget each other.
Give her space though right now, I think you both need it.
I am sorry you are going through this. A friend is a having a similar crisis which also seems to have been triggered by a friend separating. She's walked out on her family in favour of a party lifestyle. I think you have to focus on you and your kids first and foremost. It sounds like she's being incredibly selfish. My advice would be to let her go - if she wants to come back she will but are you sure there's no one else? From what you describe it sounds like there's a good chance there is.
Improving yourself is never in vain by the way even if this relationship is done.
I think you have to accept that, for now at least, she has made a decision to end the relationship. It really doesn't matter if the time spent on the phone or online are a new way of life, or a temporary insanity - she has still committed to this course of action.
FWIW, I don't think it is uncommon for women in mid-30's to 40's, to realise that their life is not what they wanted. Some stay and work it through. Some leave. It is not the same 'mid-life crisis'that men often go through (finding younger women to restore their view of themselves as still fit and attractive) but more that women do change substantially and are simply not the people they were in the early twenties - wanting very different things from life, and possibly very different things from the man in it. The younger you marry, the more likely this is to happen ( in my limited experience, seeing friends relationships over the years).
It may be that she comes to realise the grass isn't greener, and wants to re-engage, at which point you may decide that you are still open to being together, but you cannot spend your time waiting for that to happen.
You don't mention if the children are going to stay with you, or if they are also moving?
Either way, you need to gather all your RL support around you. Family and friends are a salvation in these circumstances.
Above all, keep your dignity.
I do feel sorry for you, as I would for anyone who is still in love with a partner who leaves.
It is devastating.
I'm really sorry, but this is classic affair behaviour. Expect her to announce she has 'started' seeing someone new very shortly. Affairs aren't rational and the puzzle simply won't fit together unless/until you have that missing piece of info.
Is she planning to take the children?
I really don't think she's seeing or has met anyone else. She's got far too much to lose to be doing things like that. She's a very emotionally strong woman and knows that that would be a cop out. We are sharing the children I keep them half the time in this house, she keeps them half the time in the other. I really hope she isn't having an affair or fancies anyone else. It would make trying to woo her back after a bit of space very tricky.
What was the moment of stupidity a year ago?
Also, how do you define 'passion'? Row, make up?
I think she is having an affair, sorry.
What was the stupid event?
It may be that despite improvements she could not get past it.
And how tempestuous was it? How did you, or have you been fighting?
The stupidity was a massive, massive row. We came to blows. I'm not proud about it.
By passionate I don't really mean row, make up, I just mean we row, bicker, but also belly laugh and enjoy each other's company.
My heart goes out to you my stbxw and myself split up nearly four months ago, it happened to me out of the blue , I think looking back I couldn't see what was happening around me.
She didn't change while with me but had an affair told me and we split, she is now doing all the things your wife is doing, tattoos,sleeping about,heavy drinking and hanging about with younger people.
Their is nothing you can do to stop her you need to think about yourself and the children, I am a practical person so got busy sorting my life out, 4 months latter I am feeling much better and looking back I am much happier than I was when we lived together, the divorce should be completed before Christmas.
It's not easy especially when you didn't see it coming, for what it's worth if she is not having an affair now and we don't know that, be prepared for her to have someone soon after she moves out, it's not easy but gets better with time.
Awwww what a sad sad post I feel for you OP but it's not looking very good at all. She probably uses what's app and in my experience of long time dating, married people use this as a form of communicating instead of text.
So sorry for you
And just to add to that the best advice I had was don't keep trying to look for answers to why this has happened you will never find answers and it will drive you mad and don't blame yourself, its not easy I couldn't sleep/ eat but it does get easier.
All the best
If you came to blows, you are better off apart.
It sounds as if she is having an early mid life crisis - not that 'mid life crisis' as a phrase should minimise the feelings of being trapped, in a rut, heading fast for what can seem like a deeper rut, etc. Taking refuge in the internet and Instagram etc can be a sign of feeling lonely at home...
I am sorry you have been left behind, very distressing. It's good that you worked so hard on your side of your relationship, but how close do you think you have really been if she has been sleeping in the spare room? Does she KNOW you love her with all your heart?
I don't know what you can do at the moment, except be the best Dad (assuming you are a Dad and not in a 2-Mum marriage) you can to your children.
She may or may not decide she misses you and want to discuss coming back. But there is nothing to be gained by doing anything other than being yourself, keeping your pride and integrity, maybe write her one letter telling her what it is that she is leaving in terms of your love.
There is also merit in constructing a 'good separation' - being good co-parents and not letting bitterness and upset poison that.
Agree with herald....don't analyse this situation asking yourself why/what if etc. you may never know the full picture or figure out the 'puzzle'. You need to forget about 'wooing' her back after some space. Just deal with it as if you're over, concentrate on yourself and the dc.
If you came to blows then I'd say that's the end of the road. Where were your children when this happened?? Enough is enough, if you've had counselling which she walked out of, you've come to blows, she's walked out...think you need to accept its over. Sorry you're hoping through this but it will get better. Focus on the future.
Why do you worry about her sanity?
What do you mean you came to blows?
You came to blows ? You need to explain more. Because I doubt that many people will be advising you to try and keep a marriage which feature violence together.
I think you need to give her space & see what happens, I do think you may be disappointed though so please be prepared for this.
She gave up on the counselling & you continued-says a lot about the relationship.
Concentrate on yourself & your children, don't wait around forever for her.
The picture thing is snapchat btw, I use it,as does DH, to send racy pics , I also use it to send funny pics to friends so that in itself means nothing-not sure what the poster up thread was talking about with Watsap as a forum 4 married people??? It's a free messaging service which is pretty much the same as text.
By passionate I don't really mean row, make up, I just mean we row, bicker, but also belly laugh and enjoy each other's company.
Sorry, but this doesn't sound like a "tempestuous" relationship.
How massive was the row and what happened exactly?
How are the other rows? Do you (either of you) get physical? Do you insult each other? Do you listen to each other?
How is the bickering? Is it constant? On whose part?
I don't really thing massive rows and bickering equate with being passionate.
Why do you think the counselor asked her if she was being abusive towards you?
If she is/was then perhaps it is better for you to be apart, despite your feelings.
OP... I do feel sorry for you, I bet this has hit like a bolt out the blue. It sounds to me as if your OH is just bored. Bored of being married, bored of being a Mum, bored of everything... she is only 35 with 3 kids and maybe she feels like she wants to recreate what it was like being single and having fun. Then along comes the newly divorced girlfriend who is having a laugh down the pub...
I don't know why everyone has to jump to the conclusion that she is having an affair... it doesn't always have to be that. It can be other things. She could well be texting (or whatsApping) other guys and her new girlfriend (who has probably had an influence on all of this) which to me means she has emotionally moved on from you. You probably do still laugh and have fun together but maybe she thinks of you as part of the furniture and always around and reliable. I think you need to get angry and tell her you won't be f****d around. She will show more respect to you then perhaps.
I wish you lots of luck with this.
I'm sorry you're hurting at the moment.
If you've actually had a physical row, I really don't think you should be trying to fix this relationship. It's almost impossible to go back after that, and combined with the fact that you've already described your relationship as typically passionate and tempestuous, red flags are waving a-plenty.
I don't know about the affair. In the case of women, sudden renewed interest in appearance isn't quite as indicative as it is for men IMO. I've seen many women react to the breakdown of a relationship by dropping weight, dressing younger, increasing her social life etc., without there being a third party. Regardless, it signifies that her interest in the relationship with you is over. She clearly detached from the relationship some time ago, and has already passed the numb stage and is now on the reinventing-yourself-post-breakdown stage. I hate to be so blunt as to be hurtful, but this ship has sailed and the sooner you start accepting it, the better it will be for all of you.
My advice would be to suggest counselling for the two of you with as view to making your separation as amicable as possible. Relationship counselling isn't always about fixing things and can really help with divorce. If she won't agree to that, further counselling for yourself would probably be very beneficial.
OP, I’m really sorry to hear your story. It’s very sad.
Here is mine. I was your wife a few years ago, only I wasn’t married to my then DP and we had no children. We had been together 7 years, between the ages of 22 and 29. Our relationship was very solid and for years we only had each other, neither of us had much life outside the relationship. Then I took up a sport and made a lot of friends through that. Many of them were single. I started going out a lot more without my DP, receiving attention from men, making new friends and he seemed to me like a burden. My “new” life seemed so much more exciting and I began to withdraw from my DP emotionally and physically.
I never cheated on him because that is not in my nature but I ended up finishing the relationship so that I could enjoy a single life. I have regretted that decision every.single.day. I now see I was in the classic “seven year itch” where my feet got restless and I stupidly prioritised having fun over my DP who was so loving and steadfast and really didn’t deserve to be treated like that. Six weeks after leaving I asked for him back but he said no. Had he said yes, I would have returned and been the most devoted partner on earth.
I’m not sure what the point of all this is but just to say I do understand your wife’s position. I don’t think she is necessarily having an affair but definitely a “life crisis” come about from enjoying herself with her friends. I really feel for you and I hope your wife comes to her senses. I didn’t and will regret it for the rest of my life.
Thank you chrome100. That has given me a little bit of hope. Only problem is she can be quite stubborn at times, I hope she feels that she can come back to me if she needs. Once we have had space and time to reflect I can only hope she realises that sometimes marriage goes through downs as well as ups and it's a case of working together. We're quite good at it really.
I think you need to be realistic, she has moved on, she's renting a house, she has left the relationship. I think the violent argument was probably a wake up call to her that she did not want to spend her life this way. If she has emotionally disengaged from you, trying to "woo" her will simply irritate her. Decent, fair behaviour will go much further in getting her to like you again.
FWIW shouting and bickering is not passionate, it's a dysfunctional relationship.
About the counsellor asking her if she was abusive towards you, on what grounds did she ask her that?
Sorry but I think you will find there is another man or woman on the scene pretty quickly once she's left.
Basically because she is probably having an affair.
The words she is using are the typical 'script' cheats follow.
I hope I'm wrong but I think you will find your 'jigsaw' pieces fall into place pretty soon!
And if this is the case - she checked out of the relationship a while ago and is well ahead, emotionally, than you are.
You will take time to catch up here.
Let her go - be strong and move on.
It's the only way for now.
chrome100: Please don't be too regretful you made the wrong decision. If you asked to come back after only 6 weeks and he said no he didn't really love you as much as you thought he did. If he had he'd have jumped at the chance like lightning and would have been thrilled to bits to get you back. I should know. No-one who really loves someone will not give that person a second chance no matter how hurt they are.
You maybe haven't made such a huge mistake as you thought.
OP On quickly reading your words I get the impression that you are over-confident in thinking you know and understand your wife and her character extremely well. Thinking this can be a serious error. You probably don't know her or what she's capable of all that well at all. You only thought you did. This mistake comes as a result of living with someone for a while. I wouldn't worry about her sanity if I were you. It's just that you're now finding things about her you don't understand and never did.
If a woman says she doesn't love you any more I realise now that that is almost certainly the end. She'll likely have been feeling that for a while and has now finally said it. Things can never be the same again.
Sorry to be so pessimistic but I think you have almost no hope and should therefore plan the future without her being in your life any more.
This all sounding horribly final.
My comments are only based on my own experience. Like you, my wife shocked me by telling me she didn't love me any more. I struggled for several months to change her mind and get her back, always hoping that I surely would succeed, but to no avail in the end.
Even though it's years ago I sometimes think about it. I'll always remember my disbelief. For some reason I just could not accept that what she said she really meant, but she did. And all that love for her I still felt just gone to waste.
However, maybe you'll be luckier. Who knows?
You haven't really given us any details about the 'moment of stupidity' that led you both to counselling a year ago, but if, as it sounds, you were violent with one another, then it's going to be very, very hard to come back from that. And it sounds like she's decided she doesn't want to - you say that her announcement was 'out of the blue', but she's told you it's stemmed from that 'event', so it's not really out of the blue, is it? Did you talk about her reasons for stopping the counselling and do you feel you've thoroughly talked through all the reasons for and feelings around the 'stupid event'? If not, then even if you were getting on well, you will only have been coasting since that time and she's just not managed to get past it (and may already be moving on with someone else, by the sounds of it). I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your children x
Why are you ignoring the questions about the violence ?
Not to mention all the other questions.
She has hit me on a number of occasions. She's got such a temper. Her mum's witnessed it, her dad's witnessed it. But when we came to blows I'd just had enough. Then I couldn't believe what happened. The next door neighbours called the police. Her temper had got so much she just piled into me over some silly argument. I defended myself. I'm not proud about it but sometimes needs must. It is this moment that is being pinned on her leaving. I'm a decent guy and so sorry it happened. Hope that answers your questions, you all seem quite keen to dig into it more than I really want to divulge.
Honestly, sounds like you'd be wasting your time with any attempt to win her back. It may have come as a shock to you, but I assure you it wasn't spontaneous for her - she has been planning it, probably for months, hence her moving arrangements etc.
Very, very rarely do women move out so readily, unless there is a plan to it. I know you're in a daze, but you need to snap out of it, lawyer up, and get practical on your position RE: finance and the children. She probably already has a minimum of 2-3 months of planning on you, and that can make all the difference. Despite the camaraderie you seem to believe still exists, she is NOT your friend, this I can assure you.
It's obvious you love her and want to be with her. Your sadness glares out from your words too.
I think though, that if she is a violent person, (and she is if she hits you) then you need to really think about why you would want to remain with her. What you describe is an abusive relationship. That's not good for anyone, not for you on the receiving end of it, and not for your children witnessing it as they grow up. Just because you have good laughs too, doesn't make it right. Most people in abusive relationships will say that there are good times as well as bad. That is how abusers keep the control.
Is she violent towards your children? Emotionally or physically abusive?
I hope you continue to have some counselling and maybe explore with your counsellor why you would so want to remain in this abusive relationship.
you all seem quite keen to dig into it more than I really want to divulge.
OP MN has a knack for getting to the 'meat' of a problem very very quickly. It's obvious that the violence is a major issue. Not one the minor ones. No point in putting it 4th or 5th on the list.
I agree that she has laid her cards on the table now, and is unlikely to be unsure of her feelings at this stage.
It seems to me from your op - and we only have your take on this of course - is that she was violent towards you (and has been before), that this time you defended yourself and were violent also and that the counsellor picked up on this and then she stopped going?
Is that correct?
If it is, then I think that she refuses to see she has an anger/violence issue, is ashamed that it came out in counselling hence her refusal to continue and that she is having an affair.
Some of these posts are really hurting, but I guess they help to focus.
She's leaving at 11. The house will be a different place.
Sorry to hear this, Flabergaster, it's very sad.
What sort of things did you row about - yuou don't have to give details, but just the general subjects? What triggers the rows?
I've been in a tempestuous relationship myself, and one thing I've learnt is that very often rows are just the same single row over and over, dressed up in diffrent clothes. It might start with the washing up/not helping round the house/ staying out late/leaving the house a mess type type niggles - insert trigger of choice - , but it's really about something else, something really major in your interaction, that never really gets sorted out.
What is happening with the children - sorry if I've missed anything?
Before she left did she say anything that could give you a glimmer of hope that she might come back? After she's had some time on her own to think?
Dorset's lovely. Nice place to be - but not with that happening...
I'm sorry but if the relationship has got violent, it's best she leave and you parent separately. It wasn't a moment of madness because she's hit you before, this time you also assaulted her (presumably) and what's to say the next time she lashes out it wouldn't be the same. She's not committed to change, and doesn't want to go to counselling- so I'm afraid I think for your sake and for your children's sake, it's better if you part.
I don't know your wife so I don't know why she lashes out, she may hate the way she's become or she may not be remorseful at all, but it is not healthy to have children in this environment.
I'm sorry you are so sad about it- it does sound like she's moved on and I can tell you desperately don't want her to, but for the overall emotional health of your family and children, it is probably for the best.
Not knowing exactly what happened between the two of you, because either or both could have been abusive, it look like you are best apart.
Once violence enters the scene it's best to leave.
I also wonder how badly she hit you and how you defended yourself, but the result is the same.
She is showing perhaps greater clarity in leaving.
You should want the same.
I won't let it happen again. I've learnt ways to disarm the situation. I'm much stronger for it, but she needs to soul search now. That's why she left...I think. She rang earlier. Sounds lonely. Could hear our children in the background. I'm holding out hope still and I will not let it go.
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