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Abneys aftermath - he's gone, what do I do now

(169 Posts)
abneysporridge Sun 13-Oct-13 07:48:47

Hi all , wanted to start this new thread as a follow on to my 'suspicious behaviour' thread, as obviously his actions aren't suspicious anymore - they're confirmed. He sent me a text last night to say he was safe and crashing at a friends - maybe it's ow, who knows. He was cross that I'd sent him packing knowing he had nowhere to go and I should consider how it is he got to this point. I just texted back that I'm sorry he was thrust out into the cold night but I've been living a cold facade for a month not knowing what to think and he should consider where he should have sought help, ie NOT in the arms of another woman. He's being such a manchild and not taking responsibility for this - he's not even calling it an affair, he calls it 'nice banter'.
Urgh. He's going to see his parents today and I told him to for god sake confide in someone - maybe not his folks but maybe his brother or another friend down there. Men just don't wanna talk do they. Maybe he knows the listener would slap him upside the head.
Meanwhile my 2 ds's have joined me in bed and playing their iPad games so I'm going to start imaging life as a single mum.

CeliaFate Sun 13-Oct-13 07:53:43

"Nice banter" ffs! angry
Next time he texts you whining that you've been mean to him, ask him to consider how he would feel if you'd been having "nice banter" with another man; exchanging texts, sleeping over his house when you'd lied and said you were at a friend's.
He's being a right knob isn't he?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Oct-13 07:59:01

What to do... start as you mean to go on. Act like an independent woman and leave him to deal with his own life. Hope you have good weekend.

runes Sun 13-Oct-13 08:02:11

Oh Abney. He is acting like an utter cunt sad angry. You have been fabulous, and your lovely boys will grow up with a healthy respect for strong women with you as their role model.

impatienttobemummy Sun 13-Oct-13 08:06:17

Well done Abney I'm so glad he's gone, he was minimising to the max it would have been very hardto get any any sees from him whist still at home well done

He is a fuckwit. I loathe him over the computer scream and his writing/music is crap too!
Please don't doubt yourself abney, you sound such a thoughtful, sensitive person - this is not your fault. Get angry with him, the arse. Please lean on family and friends today.

"nice banter"? He's such a twat.

flippingebay Sun 13-Oct-13 08:26:53

Sorry to hear he's reacted like this, I was hoping he'd be, at the very least, ashamed in his behaviour.

Nice banter confused twat!

something2say Sun 13-Oct-13 08:27:07

What he is trying to say is that it's all your fault. Which it isn't. He could have spoken to you before going of to get his ego massaged. I think it must be hard for you to watch as he tears down your previous image of him. X

What I think. You should do is have a quiet Sunday with your sons and do what you know to be right. Play with them, cook, put some washing on, have the TV on, have nice baths and then watch TV and an early night. Let this wait, let the days to past.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 13-Oct-13 08:28:13

'You should consider how he got to this point'?! Says it all really doesn't it - I don't suppose he did anything relevant like talk to you about how he was feeling, try to make things better within the relationship, etc? No, so much easier to look outside and then blame 'the wife' for 'not understanding him'...

Coconutty Costa Rica Sun 13-Oct-13 08:28:27

Yep, he's a cunt.

abneysporridge Sun 13-Oct-13 09:07:54

Today were supposed to be going for lunch with fam so ill still do that, and just try to put this to the back of my mind.
He is trying to blame me but I think there's wider issues here - he hates his job and is only there to make money, he only needs money because he has a wife and 3 kids to support, therefore he must resent said wife and 3 kids for keeping him on the treadmill he hates so much, and tries to escape them by flirting and feeling special again, which then escalates blah blah...
Until he admits that we really can't move on. God I'm seeing things so clearly today. Thanks all again for your advice - you've saved my bacon smile

He's not been flirting, he has been spending nights with a female colleague and researching how to leave you.
He doesn't deserve your empathy right now, really.

Warbride Sun 13-Oct-13 09:14:43

If he had issues with your marriage he should have sat down and discussed them with you. For example, I hate my job what can I do about it, you don't show me enough affection so let's both make more effort etc etc. NOT go running to the arms of the first woman to glance in his direction. It is easier to lay the blame with you and make it your fault. He is weak and pathetic. Good for you! I bet he has had a shock. If he loved you then he should have talked to you about his issues.

something2say Sun 13-Oct-13 09:26:43

Abneys he chose to have the kids yes? An adult making decisions?

You did the right thing. How dare he blame you and minimise his affair. He really is following the script, isn't he hmm

onefewernow Sun 13-Oct-13 09:36:19

Hi Abney , just ignore him, as Tessa says on the last thread. Don't give him the pleasure of the drama.

It's disappointing how far behind they are, blaming everyone but themselves.

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 09:41:59

Thisisaeuphemism put it perfectly, he doesn't deserve any understanding from you at the moment. There's no apology, kindness or attempts to put things right.

whatdoesittake48 Sun 13-Oct-13 09:43:19

Unless he has brought up these issues about your relationship and you have failed to act on them - then I feel no sympathy whatsoever.

You don't go from feeling like your wife gives you no affection to wanting to leave without the inbetween bit about telling her your feelings...that is unless you meet someone else.

Hissy Brazil Sun 13-Oct-13 09:54:57

You're not going to this family thing WITH him are you?

Tell him he's not going! You can still attend, he's lost that right at playing happy families.

Seriously, you have to show him what he's losing. The bigger the shock he has (and stop texting him) the more change you have of him sorting himself out and never ever doing this again.

Think rolled up newspaper, think short sharp shock, think ice bath. Don't soften a single blow.

He didn't consider how hard YOU'D find it, finding out he'd been sleeping with someone else, did he?

He's minimising, making you doubt yourself. Go cold, hard and focused.

Hi Abney, hope you're ok this morning and are able to enjoy your day with dcs and your family flowers

Sounds as though he is playing things down somewhat, but perhaps a spell away having to sort his own underwear arrangements etc will give him cause to reflect how unfair he is being.

Main thing is now you look after yourself with regards to eating etc so you have strength to get through this.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 13-Oct-13 10:04:58

Hey Abney, I haven't posted before but have been following you from the beginning. Just want to say, you are great. Cool, calm and collected all the way.
I think there is no way on earth that he stayed at her house and didn't sleep with her! And the band played believe it if you like!
He is trying to take you for a fool, but you are anything but!

MsBlouseyBrown Sun 13-Oct-13 10:06:58

Abney, please don't waste your time making excuses for him or analysing him. He is responsible for his own actions. The only person who can sort him out is himself and if he doesn't want to then you are flogging a dead horse.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 13-Oct-13 10:33:10

Abs. I hope you have a good day with your family.

Just keep repeating to yourself
I did not cause this
It is not my fault.

You have to keep that clear. Do not start to believe him in his blame game. He may even believe it, but it is just a way for him to minimise his responsibility for his own actions.

FrancescaBell Sun 13-Oct-13 11:01:55

Although him wailing about having no clean socks or underwear straight after being asked to leave following your discovery of his affair lends weight to him being a 'manchild' I worry a bit about the way you attribute his behaviour to the child ego state, or that which is 'typical of men'.

I'm concerned that because you hold these views about what men are like you run the risk of treating him like an over-indulgent mother treats a wayward child, who is telling baredfaced lies. We probably all know a mum who even when the evidence of her child's behaviour is overwhelming, believes the unbelievable and clings on to the tiny shred of belief that it's not as bad as everyone else thinks.

He isn't a child and you're not his mother. It's not that men don't want to talk. He doesn't want to talk, take responsibility for his actions or admit them in full.

I hope this isn't out of turn, but I think that there needs to be a shift in your perception of him and his behaviour before you can move on. Treat him as an adult and get yourself out of this mother role and treat yourself as an adult who cannot love another adult unconditionally in the way you love your children.

It worries me that you've said this morning that you as a couple can't move on until he stops blaming you.

It's okay not to want to move on as a couple at all, regardless of what he does now. What he's done might have been too much and too awful for you to want anything more than a divorce.

Jux Sun 13-Oct-13 11:30:47

Some men are wankers. He is one of them.

Well done, Abney. You have been so strong and dignified, so mature, so adult. All those things that he isn't. Maybe your example will make him think and help him do the right thing now, maybe it won't. Maybe you and he have a future together, maybe you don't.

Don't dignify his pathetic texts with a reply. You've said what needed to be said, and now you and he need to think about things separately. You are not responsible for him.

Concentrate on yourself and your children. Only let people who enhance your life into it.

Have a good day with your family. They sound lovely.

BalloonSlayer Sun 13-Oct-13 11:45:44

Well done Abney.

Just keep reminding yourself of the internet searches he did . . . of the messages you saw.

"Nice Banter" my big old arse!

"need to consider how it is he got to this point" - Yes mate actually I have considered how it is you got to this point. How you found my putting the needs of your three helpless children ahead of the needs of you, a grown man, utterly outrageous. And how instead of discussing your feelings with me, or arranging some child-free time with me, as married people are supposed to do, you started having an affair with another woman. And how you are blaming me for your entitles selfishness.

And how it is now is that you have lost your wife and children, which is what you wanted all along, according to your search history. Why aren't you happy?

RollerCola Sun 13-Oct-13 11:46:11

Hope you're ok Abney, you have NOTHING to consider about why he did this. He, on the other hand, has a LOT to consider. Nothing is your fault here.

Stay strong, don't falter, thinking of you x

Jaynebxl Sun 13-Oct-13 11:51:24

Hope the family thing went well and you got lots of support.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 13-Oct-13 11:59:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 12:00:35

You are doing great.

Can you turn your phone off this afternoon. You do not need to reply to his text messages at all.

What he does with his time, where he goes, who he talks to is his business. He does not need to keep you informed.

Remember, he is supposed to be giving you space, he should not be texting you at all.

Where is he staying? Do you know this friend or is it another lie?

skyeskyeskye Sun 13-Oct-13 12:12:50

Well done, stay strong and let him work it out for himself.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 13-Oct-13 12:31:53

Absolutely fucking typical. Playing the blame game. Blaming you.
You have been great. You're attitude is spot on. Get on with your day. Get on with enjoying your lovely boys. Don't waste a precious second of time with them. You are so strong and brilliant. You seem like a fantastic mum and a great woman. He has totally fucked up "nice banter"???? Does he think you're stupid?!
Stay strong xx

mammadiggingdeep Sun 13-Oct-13 12:53:08

Oh, and I agree. Give it time. This situation won't sink in for him for a while. Maybe weeks. Then he'll realise you're serious and maybe communication will start if you so wish xx

captainmummy Sun 13-Oct-13 13:19:31

What an arse! He getts thrown out; he complains that you haven't thought of his 'pants and socks!' You are/were his skivvy.
He now wants you to 'consider how it got to this'? What - how he now finds himself on a friends sofa/in another womans bed? How have you managed to do that to him?????

Arse.

34DD Sun 13-Oct-13 13:35:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AgathaF Sun 13-Oct-13 14:05:28

I didn't post on your last thread, although I was reading it.

"Nice banter"?? FFS. Don't expect he would appreciate you having similarly nice banter, plus a few kisses, plus sleeping over, at some other guys house.

He has a whole shed load of growing up to do. Tortured fucking musician? Yeah right!

Custardo Sun 13-Oct-13 14:08:12

thing is - 99% of us are ona fucking tredious treadmill of having to go to work, to pay for a house and family - its just life.

MajesticWhine Sun 13-Oct-13 14:12:17

"Nice banter" is outrageous. If he is showing no remorse at this point, then unfortunately he is an arsehole.

mum11970 Sun 13-Oct-13 14:19:01

You're doing brilliantly. Don't let him lay any blame on you, it's all down to him. Experiences as a child, his work, no attention, these are all excuses for his terrible behaviour. Keep strong and don't let him try to emotionally blackmail you.

Spelt Sun 13-Oct-13 14:20:26

Another one outraged by 'nice banter' here! If you'd slept with another man would he be calling it nice banter!

Housesellerihope Sun 13-Oct-13 14:49:05

Well done - and not all men are selfish children, I promise!

tessa6 Sun 13-Oct-13 14:51:10

The nice banter thing is really horrible and telling. Not only is it classic minimising but also it's sort of confused and insulting to everyone. They are in love, allegedly, that's really not the words you would use to describe that. 'Nice banter' suggests an electronic ego stroking device, not a woman with feelings. And yet I bet he is or does believe he's in love with her. So he's so so far behind in understanding it's depressing.

Abs, can you consider a couple of things. One, if you carry on doing the contextualising for him, you are basically still fulfilling this mother role for him where you are explaining away his actions and masochistically putting yourself last and framing him as one of the boys in the house who walk all over you. this is not a good mould for whatever comes next in your life and you now have to focus on YOU and what and how you are going to detach and begin a new life. you have been too long in this role of pants and socks. No one gets to hide you their dirty linen for you to sort through any more. It will be shocking but you are going to have to find a new, independent role. All of the contextualising is going ot have to come from him, with no rationalisation or excuses, or it is worth precisely nothing.

Secondly, at some point sit and think what makes your view of men the way it is. You might have to consider that your brain has been doing somersaults for years trying to find rationalisations and explanations for your husband being a bit of an immature prick and it alighted on gender. It may be that he is just an immature prick. And your views on men have shaped round it. There are many who are not.

Matildathecat Sun 13-Oct-13 15:05:39

So the existence of his own children has led to his despair, misery and need to escape to another woman? Nice.

You don't need this sorry excuse for a man anywhere near your life. I suggest you refuse all contact about where he is sleeping or eating his lunch and stick to essential information only.

I think your mum knows what's happened but I would also make sure everyone else does, too.

No protecting him. Yourself and your DC are all that matters.

perfectstorm Sun 13-Oct-13 15:11:23

He was cross that I'd sent him packing knowing he had nowhere to go and I should consider how it is he got to this point.

He got to this point because he's enraged that the three children he brought into this world need time and attention he thinks should be his sole preserve. He's at this point because he's a selfish piece of shit who's rewarded a loving wife coping with three tiny kids by diverting time and emotional energy outside the marriage and away from those tiny lives. He's at this point because he's a lying piece of shit who is now claiming a full blown affair (he told you he loved her, ffs, even though he was too gutless to admit it was fully physical - and it was, this script has been played out on MN way too many times to allow any doubt on that front) was "nice banter". Nice banter that made the OW feel enormous guilt? And yet he feels none? Nice. hmm He's at this point because he has a truly staggering sense of entitlement.

He never deserved you. Never. His behaviour versus your reaction (and your priority being the children, as well as him, with yourself nowhere) is ample evidence. He's a fucking idiot. People like you are rare. For his sake, let's hope he realises that at some point. Though he'd need to remove his head from his rectum first.

perfectstorm Sun 13-Oct-13 15:15:34

thing is - 99% of us are ona fucking tredious treadmill of having to go to work, to pay for a house and family - its just life.

Yes, this. My husband has talked to me about how this bit of life - endless childcare, work drudgery - is pretty unrewarding. But he knows it's just the norm with a young family, and not an excuse to be an absolute shit. The me-me-me your H shows is not about being a man. It's about thinking you are somehow more special than everyone else, and that your life should be some sort of unendingly glorious extravaganza. He's not entitled to screw over his wife and children so he can get his ego/anatomy stroked. And blaming you for his determination to do just that is breathtaking.

Fairenuff Sun 13-Oct-13 15:20:39

Yeah, I didn't realise that I was entitled to a 'nice banter' with another man because, you know, I work and look and children and do housework and it all get a bit...samey hmm

Was that in the vows do you think?
" I promise to love, honour and cherish, until it gets a bit too much like hard work. Then I reserve the right to shag someone else for thrills"

cjel Sun 13-Oct-13 15:45:51

Afternoon Abney, sound lovely having dcs in bed with you- more room now! Hope you have a lovely afternoon with your family.

leavingthebastard Sun 13-Oct-13 15:48:29

abney you're doing brilliantly. Well done. See-sawing between wanting to kill him and wanting to patch it all up is only natural. Don't feel weak for your fluctuating emotions. Cherish them because it means you're still human and have a heart!

I saw someone asked about me on the last thread but I didn't really want to crash in with my story - especially not at this very important time when you need lots of advice.

My DP will be off to his folks shortly - although like your DH he is cross about this and has warned me that he doesn't think it will be "helpful" (!) He cheated on me 2 weeks ago with an old flame who he promised me he would not see. I did at least get a nice roast dinner out of him on Friday night. And I have sent him off now to buy me some wood so I can have nice, comforting, open fires this week. That's the way to do it I think grin

I also emailed his mum to let him know just what her son has been up to. So that will be an interesting time when he arrives on her doorstep. Wish I could see it.

Keep strong abney and remember all the uncertainty is just part of this. You'll find a path through it eventually, just hang on in there.

Btw I've been posting over on poor Craptime's thread about her mum dying and her shitbag DH. So if anyone has experience of emotionally cold partners she could do with some love and hugs.

cjel Sun 13-Oct-13 15:54:36

good to hear from you Leaving. Do you have your own thread?

PyroclasticFlo Sun 13-Oct-13 17:21:56

Just found the new thread - well done Abney for being so strong in the face of the absolute shite that your H is spouting. What an arse he really is. Stay strong and look after yourself, you and your DSs are so much better off with out him. "Banter" for fuck's sake. What a twat.

You too, Leaving, look after yourself and enjoy your open fires!

flowers to you both.

saferniche Sun 13-Oct-13 17:36:17

I believe nice banter will now pass into the lingo as the defining excuse of cheating husbands. Your 'banter' should have been 'nicer' op - what were you thinking??

All strength to you smile

PerpendicularVince Sun 13-Oct-13 18:20:01

'Nice banter' hmm

nilbyname Sun 13-Oct-13 18:38:24

You are amazing Abney. Hats off to you.

Your husband is living in a demented bubble. Idiotic.

That word 'banter' is so often used disingenuously. Usually as an excuse for bullying, 'it was only a bit of banter'. hmm

I've never heard it used to describe telling someone you love them and googling how to leave your wife as 'banter'.

If ever there was a word used to minimise stuff, 'banter' is the one.

Has he actually said sorry or shown any remorse? I have read the thread/s but I forget, and so much of what you've said sounds as though you are to blame for this, it is sounding as though he's annoyed with you rather than full of self-reproach.

Hope you're ok Abney.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Sun 13-Oct-13 19:47:34

What an arse!

Blaming you for his infidelity! Cunt!

TiredDog Sun 13-Oct-13 21:18:19

Some men are really stupid. He's lost a fabulous woman, broken up a family ...for what ? Because he's a silly vain twit seeking short term ego boosting

fortyplus Sun 13-Oct-13 21:19:17

Abney you've been great - don't waver and don't believe his lies. 'Banter' sounds so much better than 'adultery'.

Well.done for making him leave Abney. I hope you had a good.day with your family and are Okay.

QueFonda Sun 13-Oct-13 21:28:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlatsInDagenham Sun 13-Oct-13 21:34:06

He really hasn't shown even a tiny bit of remorse has he? Move on and up, Abney. You can be a single parent if needs be - a bloody brilliant one.

cleopatrathegreat Sun 13-Oct-13 22:35:05

Your doing really well Abney. Don't be scared of being a single mum btw. It is better to be without your shithead husband then with him if he is going to disrespect you the way that he has. It seems scary but there are lots of women who do it. I am one of them. I consider myself blessed in my current situation because I would rather be on my own raising my DD than in unsatisfactory relationship. It sounds like you have a lovely supportive family and friendship group who will give you support, so you are not on your own. You are a strong person, it is tough right now but the best way out is through.

abneysporridge Mon 14-Oct-13 00:35:00

Going to bed now but just wanted to round off by saying thank u, again, for continuing to support me thru this thread. It was a lovely day in the end - hard, as I wasn't ready to tell family friends yet so kept a lid on it - but good fun.
I am starting to picture myself as a single mum and I think it'll be ok you know.
Dh has so gone to stay at her house for sure, and frankly she's welcome to him.
X

FrancescaBell Mon 14-Oct-13 00:41:23

Glad you had a reasonable day Abney. I hope it brings some comfort to know how many people are rooting for you.

notapizzaeater Mon 14-Oct-13 00:44:52

Youre doing so well, don't be scared to lean on a few people smile

Ps - he's acting like a real knob !!

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 00:45:03

Well done for getting through the weekend with such strength. You are amazing. We're all here rooting for you x

saffronwblue Mon 14-Oct-13 05:21:50

Glad you had a good day and hope the way forward is starting to seem clear. Another one snorting at 'nice banter' here. Yeah, right!

impatienttobemummy Mon 14-Oct-13 06:54:47

Well done Abney your're doing so brilliantly hang in there

uptheanty Mon 14-Oct-13 07:20:30

What a twat.

I'm really excited for the future for you and your dc's Abney.

I know it will take you some time to adjust but your life is going to get so much better.

thanks

He's gone to hers- im sorry abney, tells you everything you need to know sad

You, however, are wonderful- keep on keeping on.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Mon 14-Oct-13 07:39:08

How do you know he's gone there?

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Mon 14-Oct-13 07:39:40

What a cock!

Fairenuff Mon 14-Oct-13 08:33:40

At least she knows she's getting a liar and a cheat so she won't be so surprised when he cheats on her. He is probably already telling her that he 'chose' her, not that you kicked him out.

So glad that you had a good day yesterday. You will have some very down days too, it's not going to be easy but we are all here for you to talk, rant, chat, advise, whatever you need.

Have you told your sisters yet? I think that once you start telling more people in rl, the support will come rolling in. You are doing great x

onefewernow Mon 14-Oct-13 08:40:27

Abney it will be interesting to see how long he manages before the "nice banter" wears thin.

ThePinkOcelot Mon 14-Oct-13 08:51:00

He's gone to hers?! Wanker!
Glad you had a good day. Onwards and upwards!
It's still very early days so just be good to yourself and accept help when it's offered.
Just reiterating that all of this is in no way your fault and don't take any notice of his feeling lonely in the marriage bollocks!
Take care xx

Jux Mon 14-Oct-13 09:46:35

Abney, you are a marvellous woman, very strong, and warm, with integrity. There is no way that ex-FuckWit was ever good enough for you.

So happy to hear you had a good day overall. Your children are so lucky to have you and your family around them.

There will be ups and downs, and some days you will question yourself, but know this: you are worth your weight in gold and you deserve the best, the absolute best. thanks

Anniegetyourgun Mon 14-Oct-13 09:49:54

I hope Ms Musician is good at using a washing machine.

PerpendicularVince Mon 14-Oct-13 11:57:02

If he's going straight to OW and not even trying to fight for your marriage then he isn't worth your time or energy. You deserve and will find far better.

I hope he enjoys his 'nice banter', I suspect it won't last long.

impatienttobemummy Mon 14-Oct-13 12:03:10

anniegetyourgun that made me grin
He really hasn't thought this through and by the time he does it will be far too late. You deserve a lot more Abney

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 14-Oct-13 14:48:40

Read your first thread, now caught up. "Nice banter" sorry but that's an addition to the list of Crap Cheaters Spout. If he isn't admitting anything in the hope that magically this will all blow over he must be deluded.

You are worth ten of him. Adult life can get repetitive, it does feel like a treadmill - newsflash MrAbney it's the same the world over, you grow up and have responsibilities, you respect your partner and get through it. OP you deserve better.

isla2009 Mon 14-Oct-13 14:58:14

Hi Abney

I am a long-time lurker and also think you've handled this brilliantly. I've been in your shoes and know how much of an insult it is that they go straight to the OW when you kick them out - it is just another cliche. I am now 2 years down the line but this is how my story played out:

I found out he cheated on me when I was 8 months pregnant
Kicked him out
He gets together with the OW ('why not - he had no-one else and had to give it a shot to prove that it was worth losing everything for this relationship')
Within weeks they're arguing over how much time he spends coming to see his newborn son and the novelty is beginning to wear off
A few weeks later she's pregnant
When she's 6 months pregnant he dumps her as he realises that actually he doesn't love her
He's now in a flat spending all of his money on maintenance, lost loads of weight, looks awful and is miserable. Also lost a few friends who were disgusted by his behaviour
I kept my head held high, got a new job, focused on raising my boys and surrounded myself with friends and family who all tell me how amazing I am for coping so well
After 2 years, I was ready to date again so started online dating and am now seeing a new man (also a single parent so understands the kids come first) - it's early days but going well and I'm having fun.
My relationship with my ex is very amicable and the kids are happy, I'm happy and the only one who's pretty miserable is him - I actually feel sorry for him now!

You are a strong woman - you and your kids will be absolutely fine.
X

AgathaF Mon 14-Oct-13 16:50:28

Abney hope you're ok today.

Hissy Brazil Mon 14-Oct-13 18:40:28

If he's really at hers. Get divorce documents drawn up citing adultery and naming her.

Fuck it!

How dare he!

tumbletumble Mon 14-Oct-13 18:46:23

Hope you're ok abney. You sound so strong and brave but this must be so painful for you. Here's a hand to hold if you need one.

mineofuselessinformation Mon 14-Oct-13 18:52:04

Hi Abney, your comment about not being ready to tell people really struck a chord with me. I know I didn't when my husband first left, because somehow I felt ashamed that my marriage hadn't lasted.... I very quickly came to the conclusion that it was HIS shame really, and that helped me to be able to tell people.

PerpendicularVince Mon 14-Oct-13 20:30:49

isla that's an inspiring story, i'm really glad things have worked out well for you smile.

Goes to show the grass isn't always greener!

Scarynuff Tue 15-Oct-13 08:21:05

How are you today Abney? I hope you managed to sleep ok and are looking after yourself x

CeliaFate Tue 15-Oct-13 15:11:16

Abney, I hope you're doing ok. If you know he's at OW's, find out where she lives and drop a bag of his dirty pants at her house. Leave a helpful instruction such as, "You may need to soak these first. I usually wear rubber gloves." wink

jellyfl00d Tue 15-Oct-13 16:09:28

Hope your ok today Abney.
I have read a story of a woman in your situation and she took all her husbands clean pants and rubbed them with chillies or doused them in chilli powder, gave him said pants and let him reap the eye watering consequences, not that I'm advocating such action blush but I was amused by it!
Stay strong

perfectstorm Tue 15-Oct-13 21:59:31

Thinking of you today, Abney. x

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 08:56:39

Morning Abney, Thinking of you today

abneysporridge Wed 16-Oct-13 12:28:36

Morning, sorry I've been a bit quiet - lots of contemplation. Dh came back last night and we did the boys bedtime trying to be as upbeat as poss, then talked and talked til we were knackered, and he slept on the sofa. He is very remorseful and ashamed, but is sticking to his guns re my ignoring him and not being affectionate all these years. I don't really see how we can move past this and to be honest I don't think he wants to. His mind is made up that he is unfulfilled here with us and I'm not prepared to beg for him to come back so I guess it's all over. Quite sad about this since we have 13 years of history , good times and bad times and amazing times! Somewhere along the way we lost each other completely and I just didn't realise how badly.
It's all so shit isn't it. Not feeling too strong today. My mum is swooping in shortly to prop me upsmile

whippetwoman Wed 16-Oct-13 12:32:41

Oh, I am so sorry. You know he's saying it because he wants to justify the OW though. I know from experience that the grass is not always greener and he will find that too...eventually. In the meantime, protect yourself and the children, make sure you put yourselves first in everything.

OrmirianResurgam Wed 16-Oct-13 12:38:32

Hi Abney, that is what my H said, that we had got too much distance between us. Funnily enough the timescale he gave was 10 years - about the time when DS2 was born (unplanned!) and life began to be a major juggling act. Apparently he didn't take kindly to having such a small share of my time and attention - what he didn't realise was that he wasn't bottom of the heap, I was! I was the one who ran myself ragged making everything work, that never had time for myself. But he still got pouty about it hmm Meanwhile I suffered from depression and stress....

However he did want to stay and try to fix things. 16 months later and he's still here. But I'm still not 100% sure that I want to be.

You don't need to beg him to stay even if you do decide you want him to. You just need to ask whether he would be prepared to try again - start over on a new page. It takes two to fuck up a marriage, it takes two to fix it.

Stay strong xx

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 16-Oct-13 13:02:30

Then he should have talked to you about it instead of starting an affair! There is no excuse and its disgusting that he's trying to put the blame on you, and i assume also the children for taking up all your time and attention hmm

Selfish twat.

Did you find out for sure where is staying? Personally i think going to the other woman at this time would be unforgivable for me.

abneysporridge Wed 16-Oct-13 13:03:51

When I ask what HE wants from all this he just says its not really up to him, passing the buck completely to me. And I'm kind of damned if I do damned if I don't - if I decide we stay together he's going to be miserable, if I decide we split then the split will be on my conscience, so I just think that's a complete cop out - told him as much and we just ended up going round in circles. But I just can't get out of my head why why why get carried away with another woman?? That's the ultimate betrayal, he's jeopardised everything. This is so messy it's unreal.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 16-Oct-13 13:05:20

And yes he is trying to justify what he has done.

What did he do to try to improve things? Why was it all up to you?

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 13:07:50

So sorry that its so complicated for you. My thought is if he is saying it is up to you then you have to end it until he decides you are the most important person in the world. If one option is that you have him miserable in the house that to me really is not an option is it?

abneysporridge Wed 16-Oct-13 13:25:25

No it's not an option. I think he's had one foot out the door for a while. And yeah he is trying to justify what he did. Really didn't see this coming in my life. Now it's down to me to raise 3 boys into responsible non-cheating men?? hmm

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 13:40:18

You will do that by your example. They know its not right by the fact you won't put up with it. Its really like a kick in the guts isn't it? I hope swooping dm is with you now?

PainInTheBum Wed 16-Oct-13 13:42:28

So in the last year you have had a third child, you have lost you father, but every problem in the relationship is due to you not giving him enough attention? Has he ever discussed this with you? Has he shown any concern as to your well being after all the upheaval over the last year? Or is it just all about him and his wants and needs, with you all being nothing more than bit players in his life?

He sounds very selfish and whilst he is accepting no responsibility for his actions you will never move forward. Chuck him about and don't feel responsible for it. He up choose to cheat and don't keep that a secret no matter how much he tries to make you. Hold your head high, you'll be better without him dragging you down.

WonderWomanInAOnesie Wed 16-Oct-13 13:47:33

He's doing this so he can play the poor injured party. "I came back to her and slept on the sofa but she ended it..poor me..."etc. Conveniently forgetting to mention the affair. Tell everyone you know, it's HIS shame not yours.

Good luck.

abneysporridge

He wants you to tell him leave, so he can everyone and anyone that you chucked him out rather then him being man enough to admit what he has done.

lalalonglegs Wed 16-Oct-13 13:55:06

Talking to him doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere. If you can be bothered to give him a second chance (and I don't see why you should since his idea of making an effort to save your marriage is to whinge about how rubbish his life is), then I'd write him a letter giving him a deadline to come to a decision about whether he wants to work on your relationship and, if so, what he proposes to do to rebuild it. Explain that saying it's up to you is not good enough and you won't be held responsible for his unwillingness to commit to working through your problems.

Good luck - I echo all the others who say you are coping fantastically.

CeliaFate Wed 16-Oct-13 13:58:17

Call his bluff. If he says it's not really up to him, you can assume then it's up to you? Gutless wonder.
Tell him you want him to end it with OW, move back in, arrange counselling (not just turn up, he can ring up and organise it too) and work on your relationship.
Did he not think to mention the lack of affection? Did he try and work it out with you first? He's very weak, and wants to "blame" you for kicking him out, so I'd tell him he can do all of the above.

This guy is such a twat, sorry Abney, that's all I can think of to say.

onefewernow Wed 16-Oct-13 14:25:02

Sorry to hear this.

I definitely wouldnt be running after him if I were you, either. Perhaps he had better find a different sofa to surf now. If this is the path he has chosen, and since he chooses to blame you for his lying and cheating, I dont think you should make it overly convenient for him.

I suggest you allow him to handle the stress and angst of sorting out somewhere to see/look after in time- the kids, and keep him out of your home from now on.

The usual advice is that if they dash off into their glistening future, you allow them to experience reality sharpish. The resulting stress tends to take the gloss off the affair, too, as its hard to be all hearts and flowers when real life gets in the way, not to mention dirty washing.

cleopatrasasp Wed 16-Oct-13 15:05:52

Don't take any more of his nonsense Abney, he's now trying to get you to agree to fulfilling his every want just to try and please him and keep him with you. You're worth much more than this.

If someone wants to be with you they want to be with you for the joy of your company and they will do everything to make that happen. He wants a domestic slave not a wife and partner and he probably also wants a bit on the side as well. He's a shit and you deserve way better.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 16-Oct-13 15:09:14

I had a family bereavement when my dcs were young as well. It's unbelievably hard and it took everything I had just to keep going every day. I am sure that I wasn't a good attentive wife to my DH during that time. Actually I was a nightmare! If my DH had used that as an excuse for having an affair I'd probably be in prison right now.

Urgh, he gets worse.
Not man enough to talk to his wife about his (imaginary, affair enabling) issues.
Not man enough to tell the truth.
Not man enough to make a decision, instead puts all the responsibility on you.
Not man enough to understand he is not the centre of the universe.
Not man enough for you.

monicalewinski Wed 16-Oct-13 15:18:36

In the similar situation with my husband, after I had made him leave, he tried a similar thing with trying to make me responsible for the ultimate decision.

I told him at the time that he had 3 choices, they were not mine to make:

1. Leave our marriage and be a single man again.
2. Leave our marriage and be with the OW.
3. Choose to work on and save our relationship.

I made it clear that even if he picked number 3, I could not guarantee that I would be able to do this. I would not make any decisions regarding staying together or working things out until I felt ready, when I felt ready we could start counselling and even then I may change my mind. If he chose number 3, he would have to be 100% behind that choice and had to prove himself to me before I would contemplate counselling.

As it happened he chose number 3, went immediate no contact with OW and tried his damnedest to be 100% with regards to our sons (he's always been a good dad, but he is now an excellent dad). We carried on doing things as a family (bonfire night etc), but he lived nearby not in the family home; after about 4 months I agreed to try counselling as I felt I had healed enough to face it and we started counselling at this point. It was very hard, and we were both very honest during counselling and we got a lot from it - after the counselling I agreed to try again as a couple and let him move back in about 6 months post D-day. We are still together now (2 years on) and things have been really good between us since, but even if we had separated I think we would have moved forward amicably tbh. I think that by having the physical separation between us as a couple, but still maintaining the "family" side of things with the children, it made him realise what he was potentially throwing away (we told the kids that we were having a "time out" from each other for a while, to explain why he was not living at home anymore).

One of the biggest things was for him to take responsibility for what he had done - and this is why he had to make the decision to leave or try (and own it himself, no more absolving responsibility).

abneysporridge Wed 16-Oct-13 15:48:24

Monicalewinski - I was reading every word of that thinking 'that's just like me!' Coz dh is a good (with elements of outstanding) dad, and I so don't want that to change. The only difference is that he works with ow every day and its not like he can just leave his job because we need his salary. But I do like the idea of laying out those 3 options to see what he chooses.

monicalewinski Wed 16-Oct-13 16:01:12

I read your last thread too, abney. I hope you're feeling a bit better mentally now it's all out there - it was awful reading your posts when you were still holding it all in. It's a hard road ahead whatever happens but you will get through it all in the end, and you'll come out strong at the end of it!

It is so difficult when you are blindsided like that, especially when your husband has not been an out and out shit (apart from the glaringly obvious of having an affair). Me and my husband had always been a good team as parents and partners, but somehow got out of synch as a couple (kids) and this is when he took the lazy, selfish, self centred option to have an affair - that's what I found especially hard to reconcile myself with.

Maybe you'll work things out, maybe you won't, but hopefully you can both move forward together amicably as parents whatever happens. I'll keep lurking and reading, stay strong and keep going thanks

Scarynuff Wed 16-Oct-13 16:49:23

You asked him to give you one thing.

Space.

And he hasn't done that.

You need time to think about what you want.

Your old relationship with him is over. Even if you stay together, it will be under a whole new set of circumstances. If you met him today, knowing what you now know, you might not even want him.

He can still be the best father he can be. You do not have to be with him for that to happen.

So tell him you don't know yet. You need more time to think about what you need, what you want, what you deserve.

In the meantime, if he goes to her then he is telling you his choice.

He might not have been an out and out shit in the past, but he is being an out and out shit now.
Having sleepovers with his lover while you're at home with the babies? And that's your fault?
I would never forgive him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 16-Oct-13 17:14:55

Now it's down to me to raise 3 boys into responsible non-cheating men??
Well their father hasn't been much of a role model so I am sure you could do a better job.

Must be an enormous support having your mum beside you, she would never have wanted you to struggle with this on your own.

Those 3 options from monica are a great way of setting it out in front of him.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 16-Oct-13 17:15:09

I get that you need the money from his job but there is on way on earth you should have to put up with your husband (if you chose to stay together) still working with and having regular contact with his other woman. Only a complete bastard would expect that. He has brought this all on his self. If it means he has to move jobs, do a massive commute, take a shitty job then so be it.

If he expects you to put up with his seeing his ow regularly then he has no respect for you whatsoever.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Wed 16-Oct-13 17:16:57

Do you know where he has been staying?

Have you checked the phone bill to see if there is lots of contact still going on?

BalloonSlayer Wed 16-Oct-13 17:54:41

"sticking to his guns re my ignoring him and not being affectionate all these years."

- what have you said in reply to this? Have you asked him where your attention and affection from him was? Where the nights away as a couple arranged by him to get the spark back were? Have you asked him why he didn't say anything? What was his reply?

tessa6 Wed 16-Oct-13 18:05:34

Abs, love, I'm so sorry it's so hard.

This is very very familiar.

And I know it's hard but here is the honest truth. This man is a coward. Do you remember what I wrote about the instinct being to keep both things? That's what's happening. And it will go on happening. He is saying to her at the moment that he needs to make sure you are strong enough mentally for him to go, and that if it's your decision and you own it it will bode best for his future relationship with his children. Then he gets to leave and not feel like the cheating arse but like a romantic who fell in love and you couldn't deal with it and he had no choice but to go. It's all about preserving his sense of self and a narrative that makes sense to him being a good guy. Inside, he is thinking to himself that sure, he really loves OW, but maybe some miracle will happen and you will have a conversation where it all becomes clear.

If a cheater does not return to the relationship immediately with a renewed sense of purpose, commitment, apology and gratitude, all coming from them, then the forecast looks very bad indeed. The likely scenario is he will continue the affair in some form, whilst ostensibly 'working' on things with you, having good times and bad times on both sides until forced to choose by either you or OW, properly. If you do that now you will save yourself years of heartache.

It will only work if he is passionate about making it work and can't believe he nearly threw it all away and immediately cuts all contact with OW. That's just how it is. If that's not how it is, you have to answer one question, will you do it now or will you do it later? The only motivator is true loss. He will either come to his sense and beg to return, or breathe a sigh of relief and leave for good. Either way you need to detach, move on, and cut contact with him.

I agree with amber. Option three, while he is acting like this, is pointless and will break your heart slowly.

Tessa I mean, doh

something2say Wed 16-Oct-13 19:25:54

I think it may also be worth stopping seeing this as a man thing and starting seeing it as a human being thing.

You have said you have three boys to raise. You actually have three human beings to raise. They need to be taught to face reality, choose wisely and so on amongst other things, this is what your husband is not doing and it is not because he is a man. Huge hugs for you xxx

The best thing he could do for you is leave you alone.
He'll realise once he has the children at weekends and you have some peace to consider yourself for a change and do what you want to do, how very easy he did have it. Then, like so many other men on here, who start affairs when their wives are pregnant or have babies, he'll realise too late and probably want to come back.

I hope you show him the door. You can do so much better than this. You are worth so much more. Most men would realise you have been through two of the most stressful life events there are and stand by you and support you and not whinge like a boy that they are being ignored. Diddums, grow a pair and discuss it! Don't act like this.

It's Hell now but it will get so much better. I wish i could remember the threads on here that show you how it did improve for other posters.
Stay strong and lean on your mum and family x

JaceyBee Wed 16-Oct-13 23:06:16

tessa that was a great post, absolutely spot on. And I can say that from an OW's perspective too.

onefewernow Wed 16-Oct-13 23:40:53

Tessa, spot on.

saffronwblue Wed 16-Oct-13 23:43:57

Abney remember that you are not obliged to make any decisions on his timetable. Take your own time to think about what you need and what that will look like. You have the right to ask him for space and to control the narrative.
It makes me so angry when men decide to check out of family life because 'their needs aren't being met'. You will model loving consistency to your boys and that is what they will learn.

PyroclasticFlo Fri 18-Oct-13 18:11:20

How are you doing today, Abney?

jellyfl00d Fri 18-Oct-13 22:36:12

Thinking of you, especially as it's a week today since you had it out with the H, and your world must already be so different to what it was a week ago.
I hope your doing ok and you are able to make some headway in what must seem like a mine field, stay strong Abney thanks

perfectstorm Fri 18-Oct-13 22:39:47

Hope you are holding up okay, Abney. xxx

abneysporridge Sat 19-Oct-13 02:14:51

Thanks ladies. Have just got to bed having had a lovely night out with my girlie neighbours - dh babysitting - let my hair down and had a load of wine and chocolate wink
We have come to a sort of agreement whereby were going to tart up our house at the moment with a view to selling it - I will move in with my mum (with ds's) and he will rent a room somewhere. That will give us give space and time we need to sort out what we want while keeping the kids as 'normal' as poss. Baby steps, but it's getting there

tessa6 Sat 19-Oct-13 04:27:07

That's great you had a nice night, abs. And you sound strong and certain which is great. I hope the plan helps you. You will bear in mind I hope that he is probably making plans to be with the OW alongside this and the separation will be a way of facilitating this. Of course you may not want him anyway so that's irrelevant to you, but do bear in mind whilst you are making a joint plan that there's a parallel conversation going on alongside for him that he's unlikely to be honest about and that's the direction it's going in.

jellyfl00d Sat 19-Oct-13 07:20:42

I'm glad you had a good night out.
It's good to let your hair down and release some of that stress.
How are plans going for your dad's memorial? Are you and your mum able to put together a contingency?
Hope you get a lie in as well as the night out wink x

abneysporridge Sat 19-Oct-13 10:59:17

Just rousing now from my hungover slumber - god I'm soooo not 18 anymore!
As it stands dh is still performing at the concert - my sisters know that 'something' has been going on but I have decided to tell them the nitty gritty after the concert has been and gone, for their sake more than anything else. They were in a band with my dad and dh for over 10 years and I feel the concert is like saying goodbye to an era of their lives, it certainly will be saying goodbye to dh as they just won't forgive him once they know. I spoke to my sister for ages yesterday and assured her that I am being well supported by my mum, me and dh are working thru our problems, and she should just concentrate on getting thru the concert - she also has a big competition coming up which would be impossible for her to get thru if she knew (she's a stand-up comedian). So I'm happy just to truck along, nothing is set is stone, dh knows that I know and is being uber helpful at the mo and sleeps on the sofa, we're slowly getting this house in order, the boys don't suspect anything is amiss, it's workable.
Tessa - I have no doubt there's parallel conversations going on with ow. In fact dh still doesn't know I have the ability to check his phone bill online - I'm not showing that card! - and I know he had a 13 minute phone call with her the other day while I took ds1 to the gp. So if he chooses to further incriminate himself, that's his folly.
But yeah, I feel like I'm in a good place at the mo - apart from my pounding head!grin

onemoredayplease Sat 19-Oct-13 11:35:54

just have to say well done. you are handling this brilliantly. keeping track on his phone without him knowing is an excellent plan and I guess will give a true picture of how committed and honest he is being with you. I hope all goes well and your hangover clears so that you can enjoy the weekend. again well done and sending positive thoughts to you.smile

lalalonglegs Sat 19-Oct-13 12:01:53

Abney, you sound very in control. I really admire the way you are coping with all this.

Abbey, you sound like a new woman - albeit with hangover. I'm glad you are focussing on a positive future and with your mum and sisters behind you, it sounds great!

DH is such a twat. (I can't not say it)

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Sat 19-Oct-13 13:25:41

Will that be ok, living with your mum i mean? It seems a bit unfair to me that he gets his own place and you have to move in with relatives (but then i could never live with my relatives!)

abneysporridge Sat 19-Oct-13 15:31:03

Yeah we've been talking for a while about joining forces with my mum - mainly because she's now in a big old house on her own and has been feeling lonely particularly at night - so selling our house and adding a granny annex or loft conversion to hers seemed like the logical thing to do. So the only change to that plan really is that only me and the boys will move in. Dh is, however, not to assume she will be picking up the slack once he goes. His assistance is still required as much as before.
As my mum gets older I would feel honoured to be able to look after her, since she has always looked after me with such unwavering devotion, as will her grandsons.

JustThisOnceOrTwiceOrThrice Sat 19-Oct-13 16:05:51

Ah that's lovely smile

cjel Sat 19-Oct-13 19:03:15

Abney it sounds lovely that you can go back and be cared for in your dms home - especially if you continue in this drunken behaviour!grin

Jux Sun 20-Oct-13 12:36:50

Abney, you're wonderful.

DH and I sold our flat and mum sold hers so we could all get a big place and move in together. What she added to our lives was beyond description. Her relationship with dd was amazing, and it was really good having her around; her patience and wisdom were so appreciated. She died 3 years ago and we all still miss her.

If you get on with parents, there is nothing like having 3 generations in the house.

abneysporridge Mon 21-Oct-13 00:21:45

I completely agree jux - if my dad was still here I would have gladly taken care of both of them into their old age. It's the least I can do I think!
Had kind of a shitty day today - dh was being dickish and unhelpful when I was trying to streamline the mammoth load of toys we have. He's really flagellating himself lately - I guess thru guilt or trying to make me feel sorry for him - by eating really poorly, drinking waaaay too much caffeine and starting smoking again (ffs!!), and then he says he feels really unwell and I'm like ...duh! He says he can't live with himself knowing what he's done but I'm trying to avoid the emotional side of things and just get cracking with getting this house saleable so we can separate - I thought that's what he wanted too but he's being such a baby. Urgh, why why why make this harder than it already is...just pull your fucking weight! Sorry, rant over. Just venting confused

tessa6 Mon 21-Oct-13 00:28:42

Oh abs, it's so stupid isn't it. The one who does the damage then gets to feel the pain. It's like he wants you to comfort him through his hurting you. Insane. It's worth saying though that's it's a really good reminder why people shouldn't cheat. Of course there's the morality and compassion involved, but also, the thing that really speaks to potential cheaters, (who are by nature slightly selfish) is that it destroys YOU. It really really hurts YOU. The guilt, the loss, the anxiety, the deception. It's so so rarely worth it. And unless you're a sociopath, it leaves you deeply deeply scarred in a way you can't predict.

Jog on, though, Mr abs. You don't get to cause it then complain about it.

abneysporridge Mon 21-Oct-13 00:37:40

Thanks tessa, he is certainly hurting himself as much as everyone else. We had a good thing going here and if he could have only stayed the course and pushed through into better days we'd have been fine. But he got itchy feet. And acted on it. What a douche.

BalloonSlayer Mon 21-Oct-13 06:39:00

Sounds like you are doing wonderfully, abney

"He says he can't live with himself knowing what he's done" - perhaps you should shrug a bit and say "Yep, know what you mean mate, I can't live with you either."

BooHissy Mon 21-Oct-13 07:17:43

Oh what a monumental prick he really is.

All that self-flagellation, the weeping/wailing, but still not contrite or destroyed enough not to call the OW.

My love, your poise and dignity are awe-inspiring.

Jaynebxl Mon 21-Oct-13 07:33:03

Balloonslayer excellent response!

Jaynebxl Mon 21-Oct-13 07:33:13

Balloonslayer excellent response!

Jaynebxl Mon 21-Oct-13 07:34:51

Balloonslayer excellent response!

Jaynebxl Mon 21-Oct-13 07:35:46

Such a good response it was worth commenting three times, clearly!

Jux Mon 21-Oct-13 09:28:04

He's a twat. Self-pity now. Whoop-di-doo.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 21-Oct-13 09:52:23

The trouble with being a drama llama when it's a situation of his own making is that the intended audience is too busy mopping up the mess and getting on with her life to pay attention. Tough! Don't ever let him make you feel you're somehow unreasonable.

Besides, think of all the 'material' he has for his next song if only he can find a rhyme for the lyrics, "I acted like a selfish dick".

Dear Abney,

I've started reading this thread this morning, ended up reading both threads and was late for work!

I was struck by your strength and dignity throughout this horrible ordeal - hats off to you my lovely.

Your boys will grow up to be good men with you and your mum as role models.

If you ever doubt that you're doing the right thing please believe everyone on this thread you are being amazing. Keep your chin up, keep strong and keep on posting x

Scarynuff Mon 21-Oct-13 20:47:57

I acted like a selfish dick, now I am a lonely prick!

abneysporridge Tue 22-Oct-13 07:23:00

Thanks killashadre - it has been a mad time, feels a bit like it happened to someone else and not me and I'm just watching a film or something. I do have an amazing mum who has helped me so so much, just hope I can pay her back by being a good roommate!smile

CeliaFate Tue 22-Oct-13 07:52:41

Abney, take care of yourself. You are handling this so, so well. Don't feel you have to keep it together and be strong all the time. Give your body time to recover from the shock and stress. Be kind to yourself as well. thanks

skyeskyeskye Wed 23-Oct-13 10:41:58

You are doing really well Abney.

Ugh Abney I remember that feeling from previous break ups.

How is H behaving now? Is he still at yours or is he staying away?

YoniMatopoeia Wed 30-Oct-13 09:27:37

I was thinking about you over the last few days Abney. Wondering how you are doing?

Hope all is as well as it can be.

abneysporridge Fri 01-Nov-13 09:35:52

Thanks yoni - I'm in Cornwall with the fam revisiting the places my dad saw in his final days (he died on 30/10/12 - so it's really weird u posted that day!) Dh is here too mainly on childcare duty. I've confided everything in one of my sisters and we've been sneaking moments away to chat and she's been a great sounding board. I'm trying to put this mess with dh to one side tbh and just concentrate on my mum and sisters because our grief is still so strong, tho my mum seems to have turned a corner by being able to show us where he collapsed, where he was airlifted from, where they had their last meal etc. One thing this has made me realise tho is that dh and I don't have the bond that my parents did, certainly not anymore. My mum is like a lovebird that lost its mate, whereas I am preparing myself for a life without dh with surprising ease. It's sad really as I always thought we were sorted, our relationship always felt so strong, but this has just shaken everything up so much I just don't know what to think anymore.
Thanks again for your concern peeps - it's really helped me sort thru this messy dark time x

Onefewernow Fri 01-Nov-13 10:24:14

Poor you, Abs. Just get through this week.

Take care.

tumbletumble Fri 01-Nov-13 10:28:49

Onwards and upwards, Abney. Well done on getting through the anniversary of your Dad's death.

jellyfl00d Fri 01-Nov-13 12:35:19

Your doing well Abney, it's so good to have supportive family with you and and that you can all be together at this difficult time of your dad's anniversary. I hope your DH is able to put his selfishness aside at this time & be supportive & compassionate thanks

skyeskyeskye Fri 01-Nov-13 16:09:03

Just got back from Cornwall myself. That must have been a hard trip for you and you family Abney but reassuring or something too? Can't find the word I am looking for sad

Jux Fri 01-Nov-13 19:12:18

What a brave thing for you all to do, especially your mum. How are you all holding up? I suppose rain and storms are appropriate weather, though.

Good to hear that you are detaching from h with greater ease than you expected.

livelaughlearn Sat 02-Nov-13 00:21:51

Don't feel pressured to decide what to do. He's done something selfish, stupid n destructive and to compound that is in denial and won't man up.

The dramatists and ' life in black n white with no grey areas' folks will bay for blood n say kick him out n demonise him. It's a natural reaction if you decide to do that , especially in the initial weeks.

BUT don't do that lightly or at the influence of others. To try and rebuild and that is equally valid n courageous . tough stuff on both sides but you have children so need to think about them not just yourselves.

He is not in love with OW seems it was just sex.

If he comes clean and you get to have an honest open discussion with him he might have been unhappy or stressed about things without you realising

- perhaps money or work worries - was he sole breadwinner? was his job secure?
- or while he loves the kids he felt pushed away cos you were absorbed with them ( less time to chat, domestic focus only, both too tired to be affectionate, etc)

does't excuse him but it does explain why this could have happened

if he is decent and loves you he'll be feeling a total idiot right now

Sounds like he needs a close friend to talk to him.

Huge generalisation but I do think men find it harder to talk about problems and admit fault than women, especially if they know they've f***ed up .

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