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Oh God! Just looked up H OW on FB - feel sick

(1001 Posts)
Whatnext074 Sat 12-Oct-13 23:52:29

I know I shouldn't have done it but I was curious. Yesterday I told myself that I didn't need to search for her but I just did, I didn't know her surname but just did a search under her first name and location.

My H told me she was older than me but she doesn't look it and I feel so sick as she is stunning. I feel sick, I feel sick! It's all in my head now and I shouldn't have looked. I'm just torturing myself. I'll never get better.

You only think she's stunning because your confidence has taken a big battering - thanks to your H.

If she's that stunning, why is she chasing married men?

ITCouldBeWorse Sat 12-Oct-13 23:58:39

Bear in mind, she will ave chosen her most flattering pic.

I hope you ave the support you need.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 00:02:46

There are lots of pictures of her and she looks like a model. He's not coming back - he has destroyed me.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 00:03:58

I can't take this pain, I want it to end. I hurt so much. I'm sorry.

reelingintheyears Sun 13-Oct-13 00:05:57

Block her, then the next time you're tempted to torture yourself you'll have to go through all the un blocking which should give you time to realise what you're doing and stop.

Hope you're ok.

uptheanty Sun 13-Oct-13 00:06:22

Ffs fb is a pile of shit.

I came off fb years ago for this very reason. It makes people feel crap.

I looked feckin beautiful on my pics, that's why i posted them...

So did she!

Tiptops Sun 13-Oct-13 00:08:54

I'm so sorry you're hurting like this. Do you have anyone in RL who can come and support you? I know it will be impossible to put this out of your mind but could you watch a movie or read a book to give yourself a couple of hours to think about something else?

MrsEdinburgh Sun 13-Oct-13 00:08:56

Please don't do anything rash. Yes it will hurt badly....but you are stronger.
He's the stupid/weak one, too spineless or stupid to say he's not happy or content.

beaglesaresweet Sun 13-Oct-13 00:09:55

OP, try to breathe slowly. Think rationally for a moment - would it be any netter if he wasn't stunning? it really doesn't matter. Also if he's so shalow that he has to chase stunners, above all else, then this wouldn't last either, once she is older or he finds some other flaw. Everyone has their 'bad day' look, even stunners, so his illusion will be shattered soon.

Just as uptheanty says.

I look gorgeous in my FB profile. But it was taken on my honeymoon, I was three dress sizes smaller, my hair was beautiful and long and blonde.....

Now??? Well I still have the same name, but that's about it!!!!

beaglesaresweet Sun 13-Oct-13 00:10:17

she, not 'he'

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 13-Oct-13 00:17:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 00:43:51

I phoned him for the first time since he left. I'm distraught, he doesn't care. I've had enough. I'm sorry.

nameimadeupjustnow Sun 13-Oct-13 00:47:03

Whatnext, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. We'll talk to you, but is there someone you can call right now in RL?

nameimadeupjustnow Sun 13-Oct-13 00:48:16

Someone who will make you feel better, and not your shallow, pathetic H!

HardFacedCareeristBitchNigel Sun 13-Oct-13 00:50:50

I look fucking amazing on fb. The picture is 10 years old and about 5 stone lighter. And retouched.

Me2Me2 Sun 13-Oct-13 00:55:45

Yup we stick up pics we want others to see. Turn away. An affair stinks full stop. As for the OW, there would be reasons to feel insulted whatever her appearance

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:03:38

They look perfect together. He didn't care, just said I woke him up and told me it's not the OW fault. He's hurt me beyond belief, other people get through this, get angry, but I'm going backwards. I can't see a way out. I've written down some things for him and my DS. I'm so tired and can't see a way out. I am so weak, I should be strong, I'm not, I used to be. I loved him, he's destroyed me. I'm sorry. It's late so there's nobody in RL now.

Pajimjams Sun 13-Oct-13 01:05:00

Please

Pajimjams Sun 13-Oct-13 01:06:46

Please please don't make any big decisions about anything now. It's late and you are in shock.
Stay here and talk to us.
You are not alone.
You need to survive for your boy.
Keep safe

joanofarchitrave Sun 13-Oct-13 01:09:07

Whatnext please call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 just to hear a human voice. I'm so sorry you feel so bad.

LovePotatoes Sun 13-Oct-13 01:09:33

Hello. didnt want to read and not answer your post. What do you mean you have written down somethings for your H and DS? Are you planning on hurting yourself? No one is worth hurting yourself!

Mellowandfruitful Sun 13-Oct-13 01:10:04

Ring the Samaritans now.

She is ugly on the inside. Your son needs you and you will always be beautiful to him. He can't replace you.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:11:51

I would have loved him forever. He doesn't care, even when I phoned him, just said that I woke him up.

CCTVmum Sun 13-Oct-13 01:13:54

Disconnect from FB, don't torture yourself anymore.

Are you a bit tipsy? Try to go to bed and sleep. You have a wonderful DS who would be destroyed without you. Just think of DS from now on. It does get easier it is just raw the wounds do heal honest.

He is a cheat and he will do this to her soon too as it is who he is....you will be delighted one day and realise how much better your life is without the cheating twab in your life!

Watch soaps or lurk old posts here on MN if you cant concentrate or sleep. You are not alone.

Mellowandfruitful Sun 13-Oct-13 01:14:06

08457 90 90 90

Ring them. You just need to get through the night for now. For your son.

Its0kToBeMe Sun 13-Oct-13 01:17:15

Yes there is somebody in RL. There's you and DS. I've been where you are. I was shocked at my body's physical reaction when I found photos of DH and OW. Fuck'em both. You sound lovely. Keep posting here x

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Oct-13 01:27:09

Your son is more important than any man.

You will get through it. You don't have to measure how slowly or quickly you don't compared to,other people.

JackyDanny Sun 13-Oct-13 01:29:42

Oh no sad

I wish I could make you feel better...

What you are going through is part of the process, there is no quick easy way.
This mad grief is the start of the healing process...

You are not alone, many of us walked this dark rocky road,
two steps forward, one back, even falling down...
Keep going for DS.
If you keep going, it will be ok.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 13-Oct-13 01:30:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:31:50

On phone to Samaritans, not helping, she doesn't know whatto dsay

redundantandbitter Sun 13-Oct-13 01:33:15

We all feel for you. We round all call/come round if we could. Please please don't torture yourself with FB again. It's a killer. I was doing it, looking at him and her together. It's not healthy for you to keep revisiting the pain. What did you want him to say when you called? He's already shown himself to be a stupid fool with his 'postal' requests. FYI tell him to pay for a bloody redirection like nirmal
People. Or just keep writing on the letters..they won't get to him! Please talk on here or call the Samaritans. You sound shattered and exhausted .

123rd Sun 13-Oct-13 01:33:53

I think just talking to someone real is a good thing. Please keep talking

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 01:34:03

OP are you there? if Samaritans isn't working talk to us. I am here and I will stay here.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:35:31

She just yawned, can I hang up

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 01:36:30

You can hang up, absolutely, if it's making you feel worse. You can also ring back and will likely be connected to someone else, if you would like to keep talking to someone

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 13-Oct-13 01:37:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:38:12

I said I was hanging up, she wasn't bothered. I don't want to be sectioned. I've been through too much. I can't cope.

Let all the wails out - it does hurt. But please stay safe.

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 01:43:07

I'm sorry that she seemed like she wasn't bothered sad
Perhaps that wasn't the case, and she was trying to give you room to talk. Either way, it's ok if it didn't work for you.

You won't be sectioned simply for a state of emotional distress. Your partner leaving has hit you so hard but you won't always feel this way. You can cope.

Would you like to talk about what happened?

You can post here and talk to us.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:45:33

I have tried so many times to reach out for help. I've tried. I've put it all down in a draft email to my H and my DS. I still love my H, he doesn't care, he never said sorry. He hates me. I feel worthless. I lost our 2 babies and our 2 baby nieces died. There isn't something good around the corner, I'm going backwards and he's moved on to this beautiful intelligent woman. I'm broken, I hurt beyond belief. I'm sorry.

cupcake78 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:45:43

You may feel like you can't cope but actually you can cope and you are coping!

You do sound devastated. It has been a huge shock to you and no wonder you feel so crushed because of the hurt your feeling. Others who go through this also feel this bad I promise you, you are not alone or going mad all that your feeling is very normal after such a huge blow.

FB isn't real op. I look bloody lovely on FB. In real life I'm afraid to say its not really that good wink.

You may feel like you can't cope but you can and you have found the strength to reach for help and support here. Its a great step forward. Everyone needs help and support sometimes.

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Oct-13 01:46:57

Talk to us on here then. There is always someone on MN.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 13-Oct-13 01:47:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zhx3 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:48:04

I'm so sorry you're hurting - please don't do anything to hurt yourself. Think of your ds! You can keep talking here.

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 01:48:13

I'm so sorry you lost your babies OP. It sounds like you have so much pain to deal with. Your H is gone but you will be ok without him. You are enough in yourself, for you and for DS.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:48:14

She is stunning, great job and loves culture, travelled a lot. Everything he wants. I'm no good, he doesn't care. He doesn't care if I wasn't here, he wants me wiped from his life.

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Oct-13 01:51:45

No FB is bollocks. One of my friends stages photos for FB. She will actually get a mixing bowl out, put on a pinny, chuck a bit of flour about and take a picture of her and her dd making a cake! There is no cake.

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 01:53:12

I'm sure she has good qualities OP, most people do. But I'm sure you do, too. You feel so crappy about yourself at the moment and all you can see is her, but she is not perfect, and their life together will not be perfect.

Your H has left for a myriad of reasons and many will not be to do with you. His leaving does NOT mean you are no good.

cupcake78 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:54:07

You have so much to grieve for. It's no wonder you hurt so much.

You did not cause any of this to happen! Bad things happen to very good people. It's going to hurt. It's going to feel like you can't do it anymore. There is a future for you that will include happiness.

For now let the feelings come , get them out and then sleep. You sound exhausted.

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 01:54:48

And seconding the posters who are saying FB is bollocks. Looking at my life on FB right now you'd think I'm happy as a clam. Well I'm the most miserable cow in the western hemisphere.

This link made me laugh www.theonion.com/articles/facebook-version-of-marriage-going-great,34004/

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 01:55:28

Hmm second attempt at the link

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Oct-13 01:55:43

Well, it's not all about what he wants or what you think he might want.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 01:56:22

She's everything he wants. He doesn't want me, I'm worthless, he didn't call me back, he doesn't care. I trusted him, I love him. We had a close marriage until she came along and he is to blame as well I know but he doesn't care about me. I can't cope. I'm going backwards, I have tried everything.

Whatnext you have a tonne of grief there with all those lost little ones. It is absolutely no wonder you are so sad. Forget about the OW, forget about him, I mean try not to think about them. This is your H who has done wrong. But you can hold your head up high. How old is your DS?

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 01:57:45

You are not worthless. You have been hurt by someone you loved and trusted - that makes him a shit, not you worthless.

You will not feel this way forever.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 13-Oct-13 01:59:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:00:24

My DS is 20, I'm 39. I want to hate my H but I can't, we were close. I'm broken. pain is too much.

Zhx3 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:00:29

How old is your ds, op? Can you tell us a bit about him?

Can you speak to anyone in rl tomorrow?

cupcake78 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:01:47

Your not going backwards because if you were you wouldn't feel anything! Every second you feel utterly terrible is one more second towards a happy future life. Its a long road but you can and will get there. Simply because you have to do this!

clarinsgirl Sun 13-Oct-13 02:03:05

Forget Facebook. She will not be as stunning, cultured, or as well read as she seems. Facebook is not fact, what is fact is that she is with a married man. Yes, she sounds lovely.

Don't let his infidelity make you doubt yourself. Its late and everything is so much worse at night. You are stronger than you think. Keep talking x

Zhx3 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:04:03

Sorry, x-post. Where is your ds now? Does he still live at home? Or does he live close?

You're young, and have opportunities ahead of you. Your h is a cheat, ow will always be aware of that.

Wow, 20! That is a mega-achievement, you have brought a young man up through all those stages of childhood. Do tell us more about him.

AgentZigzag Sun 13-Oct-13 02:05:30

Don't leave your lad on his own Whatnext, he won't understand and could be left wondering why you didn't want to be with him and that it was his fault somehow.

Keep the letter where it is for now, as an option you're choosing not to use at the minute.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much, how long ago did this happen?

Have you ever seen the GP/related in the past about feeling you can't go on or anxiety?

brokenhearted55 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:13:12

Imagine her first thing in the morning with no make up on, with her period & taking a huge shit.

Do you think she'd post that on fb?

Exactly. people pick the best pics.

I am so sorry though op. I cannot imagine the pain you feel.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:13:24

I'm on ADs and beta blockers for anxiety. I found out my H was having an affair 4 weeks ago. He was nasty and cruel to me overnight for 2 months, he changed from a loving man to a horrible man overnight. He promised me, he said I'd always be safe. I went through a violent robbery when I was pregnant by 5 men. My flatmate was raped in front of her 3 year old son. My H said he'd always protect me, we'd grow old together. My life has been shit, I can't take anymore, am so tired. I've tried everything. My son works away but is home at weekends, he's out at the moment. I love him but I can't cope. I love my H, he lied to me, he doesn't care. I don't care anymore, nobody will forgive me.

BrianTheMole Sun 13-Oct-13 02:20:07

You're going through the grieving process mate, and yes it hurts. There are different stages to it, they don't always go in order, but you need to ride through this. You do have a future, a good one, you just can't see this right now. Please just take one step at a time, one day at a time. The pain will ease, I promise you. You have to do this, you owe it to your ds, and you owe it to yourself. You are worth a lot more than you think you are at the moment. Baby steps, ok?

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 02:21:15

Oh OP. That does sound like so so much to happen to one person. But you are not no good and you can cope. Just hang in there for tonight, and then for tomorrow, and then the next day.

You have done nothing wrong. Please stay safe and get through this night.

brokenhearted55 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:22:37

I know it seems hard to believe op but you will be ok. even if you're not now, one day you will be.

If nothing else you have a ds who loves you.

so far your track record for getting through bad days is 100%

clarinsgirl Sun 13-Oct-13 02:27:58

Terrible things have happened to you but they were not your fault and you are not worthless. Your H has badly let you down, that makes him no good, not you. As other posters have said, you need to find the strength to get through tonight and then take it step by step.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:29:53

All those things are out of my control but he said he can't take the drama that goes with me. Bad things happen to me, I can't wait around for the next thing. I'm sorry, I'm weak, I'm sorry.

AgentZigzag Sun 13-Oct-13 02:30:56

It's very early days at only four weeks pet.

I would say that even though it's late/early, that it would be entirely appropriate to ring someone given that you feel so bad.

Any family you're closer to than others, a friend, your local GP service will be linked to where you can get help, NHS Direct, try to give someone a chance to help you feel better.

I know you probably don't want to feel better or feel you deserve it, but you honestly do. You're worth much more than you're giving yourself credit for, as I'm sure your lad would testify to.

Even though he's a big strapping 20 YO he still needs his mum, and his children will want to know you too.

clarinsgirl Sun 13-Oct-13 02:31:03

Lovely words Brokenhearted and so true.

cozietoesie Sun 13-Oct-13 02:31:50

You're not weak. You're hanging on in there.

I'm guessing you haven't eaten much today - if anything. Could you heat yourself some soup or something?

SlangKing Sun 13-Oct-13 02:31:58

Nobody will forgive you cuz you haven't done anything wrong.

The guy's a bell-end that you're well shot of, as you'll realise when you're less distraught.

Your self esteem has taken a huge hit. If he'd run off with a wart-faced dragon, right now you'd be telling yourself "OMG, she's a dog compared to me. It must be my obnoxious personality!"

It's NOT the way you look or the way you are. It's cuz he's a deceiving, cheating arse who was cruel to you. You're worth way more than that.

If you aren't gonna call anyone, keep typing. It helps you organise/rationalize your thoughts.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 13-Oct-13 02:32:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nameimadeupjustnow Sun 13-Oct-13 02:34:09

Good things happen to you, too. Like your DS, and you managed to raise him up to a man. The next thing that happens is going to be you feeling a little better, then another little bit better. You will feel better than you do tonight.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:38:46

Been on ADs for 6 weeks, GP said they'd work after 5 weeks. My brother coming tomorrow, I can't cope anymore, know I shouldn't be at work but family said I can't take anymore time off, what would I do? I've had enough, haven't slept for days, hadn't eaten for 3 days so had soup tonight. I am destroyed. I feel ashamed.

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 02:38:56

OP are you still there? cozie is right, could you eat something? just focus on surviving.

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 02:40:17

x post, sorry.

The ADs might not have kicked in yet, they work differently for everyone. Give it some more time.

Re work: what do work say? why would your family tell you not to take more time off, if you need it?

Zhx3 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:43:05

No-one will forgive you because it sounds to me as if there is nothing to forgive? All of those bad things that have happened to you - not one of them was your fault.

Your boy loves you, and you love him. Hold onto that until you can speak to someone in person.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:43:41

My boss said she's worried about me and I shouldn't be at work and she doesn't know how to help me. My GP said the same. I know I'm not well enough but what would I do, sit at home? I can't bear to go out with panic attacks and there are so many memories, we moved here for our future, better life. I'm stuck.

clarinsgirl Sun 13-Oct-13 02:43:48

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are devastated because someone you love and trust has betrayed you. There's no shame in that. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time, it will get better.

nameimadeupjustnow Sun 13-Oct-13 02:44:13

Of course you can take more time off work. Are you signed off at the moment?

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:44:39

Nobody would forgive me if I took control and ended my pain. I don't want to be sectioned.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 02:46:54

Can anyone help me? I'm sorry.

nameimadeupjustnow Sun 13-Oct-13 02:47:12

Ah, good, I'm glad your boss and GP agree.

Will you feel easier about getting out of the house with your brother?

AgentZigzag Sun 13-Oct-13 02:49:56

It's not that they wouldn't forgive you for doing that, it's that the hole you'd leave in their lives would be just as painful as what you're suffering with now.

They'd want you to stay with them because they value and love you.

Asking for professional help doesn't necessarily equal being sectioned, sometimes you have to try a couple of things (meds/dosages etc) before you find what works for you.

clarinsgirl Sun 13-Oct-13 02:52:10

OP, please don't do anything rash. There is always hope. I know everything seems black but you will solve each problem one by one, just like you have before. There is always a way forward.

nameimadeupjustnow Sun 13-Oct-13 02:54:08

You seem to have a lot of people around who care very much for you. They want to help you.

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 02:54:13

It sounds as though your boss is understanding. Is she? can you arrange to have some more time off? then go back and see another doctor - if your GP has said she or he doesn't know how to help you, then you need to see another. There will be people who can and will help you, yes.

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 02:54:51

Ah, your GP said you shouldn't be at work! that makes more sense, sorry OP.

SlangKing Sun 13-Oct-13 02:55:55

You're in control NOW. It's you that's reading and typing and it's working for you, even if it doesn't feel like it yet. Keep doing it.

AgentZigzag Sun 13-Oct-13 02:56:42

Do you feel able to ring someone in real life?

Even if it's just for the MN vipers?

You shouldn't feel you need to punish yourself because of the lies he's told you.

MistressDeeCee Sun 13-Oct-13 02:56:50

Whatnext074 are you still here?

nameimadeupjustnow Sun 13-Oct-13 02:59:04

Your boss and gp can help you get the time off that you need. You must be so tired, and stressed, and of course you need more time to recover. It's only been such a short time - four weeks - not nearly enough for you to come out of the shock.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 03:03:46

I need to go now. I am so tired and I haven't finished my emails to H and DS. I'm sorry, thank you for support. I don't want my DS to see this thread. I'm sorry.

clarinsgirl Sun 13-Oct-13 03:06:26

Please remember that you are in shock, you haven't eaten and you haven't slept. Don't worry about emails, go to bed, try to sleep and please post in the morning x

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 03:07:30

That's ok OP. I hope that you are going to get some sleep. Please don't harm yourself. Your DS would miss his mother, so much.

AgentZigzag Sun 13-Oct-13 03:10:19

Night smile

Like clarin says, ne'mind about the emails go and get some kip.

See you in the morning <hug>

SlangKing Sun 13-Oct-13 03:12:41

Type extra to DS,,, H ain't worth the fingertip erosion.

nameimadeupjustnow Sun 13-Oct-13 03:13:04

Leave the emails until morning. Best not to write when you are so tired, anyway. Can you get some sleep? <more hugs>

OldBagWantsNewBag Sun 13-Oct-13 03:31:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Oct-13 04:19:42

If this only happened four weeks ago there is no way you should be feeling that you should be feeling any better. Four weeks is no time at all.

DropYourSword Sun 13-Oct-13 04:30:46

OP please stay and chat for a little longer. I was once in a very similar position to you and I saw no way out. I didn't think things would EVER get better. It felt like no-one understood when they said things just take time. It's such a cliche but it's so bloody true. You've but been on the ADs for very long at all. They will only JUSTbe to take effect. You've only just found out very recently about this OW. Why not make a more sensible, logical plan. Such as, if I still feel like this in 6 to 8 months only then will I start to consider what else I'm going to do. Give yourself a chance to heal. He might not want you anymore, but that doesn't mean you are unwantable or unloveable, just that he's not right for you any more.

whydidthishappen Sun 13-Oct-13 04:49:19

OP please dont do anything to harm yourself. You said that your husband had promised to always protect you. He lied.
Did you ever tell your DS that you'd always protect him and love him? Keep that promise.

Take your time love, just breathe.

Mosman Sun 13-Oct-13 05:34:01

Hopefully you're asleep ... 4 weeks is no time at all, this takes a long time to process, you take all the time you need

Wellwobbly Sun 13-Oct-13 05:47:07

Whatnext you WILL get through this. You will, lots of us are living proof that you can survive the horrible pain.

Do not touch the hot stove! (ie contact him). You are right, he doesn't care. And you will eventually find, looking back, that he probably always had an empathy chip missing, that in fact you have always been quite ignored and did all the running.

This is all a process. Just take one day at a time (oh, and that is quite a good idea too. Find Al anon groups in your area and instead of being on your own in the evening, go to as many groups as you can. They help you learn that you cannot control him and to focus on yourself).

As for OW, remember: she fell for what you fell for. That whole ardent sparkly thing he did on you? He did it on her. She thinks it is real, just as you did.

Feel sorry for her.

Leverette Sun 13-Oct-13 06:27:13

Whatnext - you will get through this. I know how you feel, honestly, I was where you are 2.5 years ago. I look back at how I felt at the time and shudder in horror at the sheer agony of it.

Thoughts that helped me:

I was used to thinking of 'him' as Mr Wonderful, gorgeous, perfect etc. But if he was all those things he wouldn't be having an affair with anyone, he would be respectful and devoted to ME. Therefore he isn't what I thought he was and can be thrown back in the sea as not worth keeping hold of.

SHE is nothing to me. Whatever her superficial talents, qualities, impressive experiences etc etc SHE MADE HERSELF AVAILABLE TO A 'TAKEN' MAN. Therefore she is, frankly, scum and this behaviour negates any other qualities IMO.

Please go back to the GP. I had to go a couple of times to adjust AD dosages. I'm now down to a tiny dose because I'm nearly better.

The biggest thing that helped me was endless reading...trawling the Internet for stories that resonated - showing me I was not the only person experiencing this utter wildfire devastation in my life, and how other women got through it.

There was a period of time where the only thing that stood between me and finishing it was that fact I did not want to give my children that experience in their precious lives, that I loved them too much to harm them emotionally. Don't let this sexually incontinent, cruel man harm your son as well as you. He needs you xxx

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth Sun 13-Oct-13 07:20:05

Leverette what an awesome post. I agree completely. op I know it hurts but the pain youre feeling is temporary, it won't last forever. I'm 8 years on from my ex affair, the pain was unbearable. Now I'm happy and glad he's someone else's problem. you will be ok I promise.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 13-Oct-13 07:53:21

Hope the world looks a little better this morning OP. Rejection is a terrible and painful feeling, especially when it appears to be sudden, but your worth is really not this man's to decide. You are valued highly by your DS, your family, your friends, your employer and even a bunch of strangers on the internet. Your life may have changed in important ways but you are essentially the same person with the same qualities and failings as before. How dare he try to crush that person? That's the thought you have to cling to and take every opportunity to swap self-pity and self-reproach for indignant fury.

So hope the world looks a little better this morning OP. Every day is a day nearer feeling better.

Mosman Sun 13-Oct-13 08:04:07

I know this is hard to believe right now but in time the OW will become completely irrelevant, my ex fucked a couple of right old dogs - I don't know which is worse but then in my mind I decided it was her academic success I was to be jealous of - hasn't got her anywhere though has it lol
No other human being is worth putting another through pain for and she'll learn that the hard way, by which time you'll be healed and happy :-)

Jaynebxl Sun 13-Oct-13 08:06:10

Op I really hope you got some rest and are feeling a bit stronger.

SPBisResisting Sun 13-Oct-13 08:10:37

How are you doing OP? Hope things seem a little brighter this morning.
Does it matter what either of them look like on the surface? She may be pretty in her best holiday photo but she is ugly inside. They both are.

TortillasAndChocolate Sun 13-Oct-13 08:10:49

Hope you're ok this morning OP. First thing in the morning and late at night are the very worst times.

I promise this will get better. When my ex left me and I found out he'd been having an affair, I honestly thought I would never smile or laugh or even want to exist again. I'm 20 months on now and am a million miles away from that.

It takes time, but I promise you will get there - just take a day at a time. We are all rooting for you and here to listen to you. You're worth so so much more than he is - and eventually you'll think that too.

Just keep talking if you need to

PainInTheBum Sun 13-Oct-13 08:39:37

OP where abouts in the country are you? What you need at the moment is rest and RL support and I think you're getting neither adequately.

Your ex DH is acting like an utter cunt and his perfect OW is far from fucking perfect. She couldn't even get her own man, all she could get was a weak cheat who sounds like he is having a breakdown. You will get through this hurt and are far better than either of them.

Ignore FB mine gives the impression I'm slim and well travelled too. But the only holiday I've had in the last three years was in bloody Reading and I've a dreadful muffin top and double chin. Even if she was picture perfect you can't compare ypur insides to others outsides. You sound lovely and deserve so much more.

takeitonthegin Sun 13-Oct-13 09:24:15

Leverette your post is brilliant. Totally agree. It will get better and easier OP. Focus on your DS. Positive thoughts for you. smile

whyme32 Sun 13-Oct-13 09:30:32

Please check back in OP and let us know you're okay. You WILL move on from this.

MushroomSoup Sun 13-Oct-13 09:39:30

Good morning whatnext
Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 13-Oct-13 10:13:31

Thank you to everyone who brought this thread to our attention.

We're sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time Whatnext074, and we'd like to echo everyone on this thread and suggest that you seek help in real life, in addition to support on MN. Our relationships and mental health webguides might be a useful start thanks

Jarlin Sun 13-Oct-13 10:20:29

So sorry to read last nights thread.
I hope you are just catching up with sleep at the moment, but please let us know you are ok as soon as possible.

redundantandbitter Sun 13-Oct-13 10:22:22

whatnext your night sounded heartbreaking and exhausting. I hope you put the emails to one side and slept. When my Exp left me the first time (!) I wanted to harm myself. Spent the day planning how and where but I realised I had a 2.5 yr old that needed looking after and I had nowhere to take her to be safe. God I' m glad I didn't do anthing fatal. My Dc's are my world as I am sure is your lovely son. Focus on him, focus on good DB and keep talking. I have even told random dog walkers I barely know, in the park. Not a single person thinks its your fault. Everyone will say you are a good person, it's his loss and he will have to live with his guilt. You are still the beautiful woman you always were .this grief blanket is weighing you down but it will get lighter. Please eat and take care of yourself today. Check back in here

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Oct-13 10:32:14

Good morning whatnext.brew

Joy5 Sun 13-Oct-13 10:38:57

Only just seen your post, hope you're feeling more together this morning.

Know how bad it is, how much it hurts too. Unfortunately theres too many of us in our position.

I'm two years on from me ex leaving this month. Not been easy, we've hit rock bottom too many times, but we've got something my ex gave up and thats trust in each other. My two younger sons stil love their Dad despite what hes done, and his actions in always putting his new partner and her children first, they mostly see through his lies, but hes not part of their daily life any more hes just a 'Sunday father' and thats when hes not got anything better to do.

Takes a lot of getting used that your ex no longer loves you, or cares for you, and someone else is his priority now. Its still very early days for you, just concentrate on getting through each day one at a time, if you can't do that, then break it down into hours to cope with until you are getting by again.

I've lurked on my ex's new partners FB too, does me no good, shes friends with a few relatives i'm friends with, done me no good, and definately doesn't help when she posts comments under ones i've posted! Thats how i found her on there.

Hoping you've got something nice to do to today, and sending a virtual hug, you sound like you need one big time x

34DD Sun 13-Oct-13 10:41:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wellwobbly Sun 13-Oct-13 10:51:54

Thanks MNHQ.

And can anyone reading this, who has a lighthearted attitude to affairs, that it must have been caused by the marriage, who thinks people should just get over it already, remember this thread for the trauma, devastation and despair that infidelity really inflicts.

OP, when you start separating your identity from him, realise that his behaviour really does not determine your worth, absorb all the messages of really how incapable this person is of loving, and learn to be your own best friend and protector, you will start seeing you are better off without him.

But between now and that time, is absolute hell. Keep breathing, focus on the love your son has for you, reach out to friends and family who really care for you, and take one day at a time.

Well said wobbly wise words indeed.

Thinking of you OP, hope you're ok x

Afrodizzywonders Sun 13-Oct-13 10:59:24

Whatnext, please take this advice from me and contact Crisis

They helped my Mum when my father walked out whilst she had tonnes of other stuff on her plate. House being repossessed being just one. She had suicidal thoughts, and whilst I tried my best to help, she needed a support team. You need people in real life, but most won't know how to support you fully, these people will. Sectioning is a last resort, you are not there, get help from these people now lovely.

Please ring them xxx.

I am so sorry you are going through this. And please remember, people don't put pictures of themselves looking hanging on Facebook! It's not a true reflection.

Just read your thread OP, hope you managed to get some sleep and that you're a little better. The pain is unimaginable but it WILL get better. Keep talking, even if it is just on here. The whole time you're talking, time is passing and your head is dealing with it.

You will look back on this thread in a year and be SO proud of yourself and your strength.

They are a pair of cunts who deserve each other...YOU deserve better.

Putitonthelist Sun 13-Oct-13 11:11:56

Just read the whole thread OP and am thinking of you. What a pair of utter low-lifes, they deserve each other.

I deactivated my FB account a couple of months ago. I had 250 'friends' ha I don't think so. I doubt more them 10% of them could tell me my parents names. A girl I use to work with put Charlotte from SATC as her picture profile??

Anyway I digress. You can and will get through this. It's only been 4 weeks. They have been living in a fantasy bubble that will burst. She will never trust him, their relationship is built on lies and deception. It doesn't matter what she looks like, she is certainly ugly on the inside.

We are here for you x

RandyGiles Sun 13-Oct-13 11:18:39

I hope you got some sleep OP. I know that you feel there is no way out and you can't imagine a time when you won't feel so awful, but it will get better. Other people have put it much better than me, but you will mourn and then you will start to heal. Don't panic about 'going backwards'. This is all perfectly normal part of grief.

As for the OW, well I'm afraid I am very black and white when it comes to these types of things. She could be the most beautiful, intelligent woman in the world, but she went after a married man and to me that makes her ugly. Also, everyone on Facebook is beautiful and happy and cultured. In real life it is a bit different.

You are doing all the right things, getting help, talking, getting support. Unfortunately the only thing that helps is time.

mrscraig Sun 13-Oct-13 11:33:11

I hope you've had some rest. Your utter despair really resonates with me. You have hit rock bottom. There is only one way to go now and that's up. Be kind to yourself. X

AgentZigzag Sun 13-Oct-13 11:56:44

Morning Whatnext brew

How are you feeling?

skyeskyeskye Sun 13-Oct-13 12:08:44

Morning Whatnext. I hope you got some sleep and are feeling a little better today.

Are you having counselling to help you work through this.?
It is a real grieving process that you have to go through and it hurts like fuck, but with the right help and support you will get through it at your own speed.

Please look after yourself , stop contacting your H and concentrate in getting yourself right again.

clarinsgirl Sun 13-Oct-13 13:18:55

Hi Whatnext. Please post, let us know how you're doing.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 13-Oct-13 13:35:57

Just read this thread, what next. So sorry you've hit a new low.
I hope you're ok. No more advice to add except please continue up get support. Post here if its helping. Speak to somebody in real life. Do whatever gets you through. But you will get through.
Hugs. So sorry but you will be ok again. Hold on to that thought x

farewellfarewell Sun 13-Oct-13 13:38:09

whatnext my heart went out to you last night. today is a new day, I hope you feel better.

I hope your brother is with you now and you are getting some help and comfort. 4 weeks is not long indeed in even starting to work through what has happened to you. I wish you well, hope things don't look so dark today.

CynthiaRose Sun 13-Oct-13 20:43:20

This thread is really worrying, really hope you're "ok", Whatnext. Come back and let us know please x

Leverette Sun 13-Oct-13 21:01:37

Hugs to you whatnext

PM me any time, seriously.

mrscraig Sun 13-Oct-13 21:38:36

How are you feeling tonight?
Sending you lots of love xxx

cjel Sun 13-Oct-13 22:18:34

Whatnext. I have just found this and it doesn't sound like the happy Whatnext who had a great day at the horseshow with her friend?
I hope you got through the night and had a good visit with you db today(((Hugs)))

rootypig Sun 13-Oct-13 22:28:23

Whatnext I am thinking of you and desperately hoping that you are ok. If you are able to, please let us know. x

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 22:44:02

I'm so sorry, I never want to worry anyone ever but I know I have. I am desperate and the pain is like nothing I could have ever imagined.

I believe all your kindness saved me. I made it through the night, slept for 2 hours and woke up in a cold sweat and have been getting sick all day, I am physically struggling as well as mentally. But I did make it through the night.

My brother and his girlfriend came today and let me just cry and cry and hugged me. Bought me a teddy which I held onto all day.

I am overwhelmed by the kindness and sincerity of strangers and thanks to those who pm'd and contacted MNHQ.

I can't say I feel stronger today but I did make it through last night.

I have deactivated my FB account too, I will try not to torture myself anymore.

skyeskyeskye Sun 13-Oct-13 22:48:42

I'm glad to hear you are ok. I know how much it hurts but you can't let him destroy you. It's not easy but it does get better in time. You will get great support on here. MN has got me through some difficult times and still does.

See your doctor and a counsellor and get the help you need to get through this.

CynthiaRose Sun 13-Oct-13 22:49:37

So glad you're okay. Don't apologise to us. Glad that your brother and his girlfriend are supporting you.

TortillasAndChocolate Sun 13-Oct-13 22:51:10

So glad you're ok. It will get better, it really really will. Unfortunately you have to get through this horrible wretchedness first. But we're all here for you. And one day you will wonder if you really ever felt this bad.

Hope you get some sleep tonight

redundantandbitter Sun 13-Oct-13 22:53:51

See, people DO care about you. Some @ElaineBrunskill: Ah.. In love with my own t-shirt, sad but truejust struggle to know what you do or say when faced with a person crying with emotional pain. Your brother and g/f came because you were there for him when he needed support and he loves you. He bought you a teddy! You are a great sister and mother. Just a Shane the y

bluebirdwsm Sun 13-Oct-13 22:54:04

Thank God you're ok whatnext. So glad you had support today. Let's hope you turn some sort of corner.
Facebook to me is nothing but a way of feeling inadequate/self torture if in a bad place in ones life. It compels people to compare and see the world in a completely unrealistic way and certainly NOT how it really is.
I hope you have a better night, and nourishment and a better day tomorrow.
We know how you feel, really. Keep posting and getting the support you need x

redundantandbitter Sun 13-Oct-13 22:58:22

Sorry, pressed 'send'. Was just going to add that you sound such a lovely person, sensitive and considerate , it's a shame your DH doesn't value you. But that's his weakness. He can sort that iut in his own head. Please let him go, a little each day. Untangle yourself and if hurts a bit less. You sound like you need some food, just a little ..toast etc. and sleep. For the first time in my life I have been visualising a 'sunny day, lying in a meadow ' type image to help me un knot the anxiety and get to sleep. Are you going to work tomorrow?

Whatnext delurking to say how very relieved and glad I am to know that you're OK. Well done. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise flowers

IsThatTrue Sun 13-Oct-13 23:06:45

I had to delete fb after my XH left for OW. It's much better that way.

It's a hard long road. But it gets better I promise. Hang on in there x

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 23:12:14

Thank you all.

I am going to work tomorrow, I don't know yet if I will make it through a full time week but I think if I can't then I will get signed off but only if I am able to make some plans for what to do with my days. I cannot get like I was last night.

I want to get better, I am trying but I was so weak last night.

My H emailed me this morning saying that he doesn't understand why I felt the need to call him last night and wake him up. He knows it didn't help me and he has some sense of how I'm feeling. Then went on to say he is being thoughtful by giving me the option to pay for sky/phone/internet but if I can't pay or refuse to pay then he is cutting it off. He told me not to contact him again until I can talk about productive things.

And yet - I still can't get angry with him. I'm dealing with such a build up of grief that I don't know what's happening to me anymore.

skyeskyeskye Sun 13-Oct-13 23:18:34

Ignore anything other than essential contact from him. Please do get help from your doctor. I had to keep on working as self employed with then 4yo DD to look after but I wasn't eating and was just crying all the time. My doctor put me on anti depressants which helped to get me through the next few months and enabled me to function in a daily basis.

skyeskyeskye Sun 13-Oct-13 23:19:54

Sorry, also meant to say that it is the grief which is do disabling and destroying and you need to do whatever it takes to work through it in your own time.

You were not weak last night...you got through it, just like you will get through tonight, and the next night, and the next night. I'm glad you've got real life support around you. Just remember, even if you're taking baby steps, you're still moving forward. This WILL get better xx

Zhx3 Sun 13-Oct-13 23:32:50

So glad to see you post again, and well done for de-activating your fb.

Your h sounds as if he is being un-necessarily cruel, and lacks empathy. Sometime, hopefully sooner rather than later, you will see you are better off without him in your life.

Cuddle your teddy - I'm having a horrible time at work, and my dd put my 30 yo teddy in my bed after she saw me crying - he brought me so much comfort!

SavoyCabbage Sun 13-Oct-13 23:40:36

It's great that your brother is there for you. I'm so glad you are OK. Don't think too much about having to get through the whole of next week. Just today will do for now.

On Saturday I went to the house auction on a dear fried of mine who was in a similar situation to you two years ago. It has taken her time but she has started a whole shiny new life. She never worked when she was married. She's doing a course, she's going for a walk round a lake every day, she's got new friends - it's all happening. She was standing outside laughing and joking with her friends. The same friends who had been picking her off the floor and shoving her in the shower a year and a half ago!

You are in no weak for feeling like you do. It only happened four weeks ago. Well done for deleting your FB.

LondonNinja Sun 13-Oct-13 23:43:28

You can't force it - you'll get angry when the time is right. Now is time to attend to your basic needs: food, sleep, shelter. Everything else matters not. Your DS and brother and his GF love you. You are being willed SO much strength and power on MN.

Well bloody done for keeping on keeping on. You're going to do this - you are a loving mum - keep remembering that.

Your H will reap his own karma. And so will she.

Focus on you. One day at a time. And know there are many, many people rooting for you.

Whatnext I have been reading all of your pain. Your posts have brought back a lot of memories of my terrible pain too.

But I hope that my story can give you hope. You will overcome this pain. The pain will go. The pain brings you strength and joy that you have yet to discover.

My husband disappeared five years ago when my son was 6 months old. He emptied our accounts of our savings, withdrew our ten thousand pound overdraft, walked down the garden path and drove my car to Heathrow.

He dumped the car at the airport and caught a plane to Bangkok.

I have never seen him since.

Some people on here remember my thread from that dark dark the time.

Like you are now, I was in unbearable pain. It felt as though I had blood poisoning my body was so wracked. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't eat. I didn't sleep for a month.

At the end of that month I told friends I felt suicidal. The police arrived at my house, my baby was removed from me for two nights by social services and put into emergency foster care and I was put in a police cell until a lovely doctor came to see me and ordered police to release me immediately.

It was hell, sitting in that cell, holding a piece of toilet paper and feeling nothing but agony and fear.

In the weeks that followed I desperately wanted to know how long the pain was going to last. I asked over and over on MN for people to give me a timeline for recovery as I absolutely thought I would never ever get through it.

But I did and I have.

I was 44 at the time, 49 now. My son is nearly six. He is a joy and we laugh constantly. He was diagnosed with leukaemia last year but I am fucking strong and so is he and we are doing brilliantly.

This shit you are going through? You just have to cry/swear/drink/smoke/shake and wail through the first bit: I turned a corner after four months. I started to get angry and less afraid of the bastard. The bodily pain eased as the adrenalin slowed down.

I had a house full of his shirts, coats, pants, socks, our love letters and all our married belongings. I slowly 'culled' things: his books went to charity shops or the tip, his cuff-links I kept for my son, his clothes I burned. I flogged his bike on ebay. I felt guilty at first as I still loved him. I could not understand how he could possibly abandon a small longed-for baby boy.

I have learned so much and changed as a person as a result of the whole experience. I have learned that I am a wonderful, kind, generous woman, a fantastic single parent, an amazing cook, a great gardener, am good at DIY and run a biggish house with aplomb. I have taken in lodgers and worked as a cleaner and freelance writer.

I am no longer that 44 year old woman in agony, with a broken heart and a crushed life.

I have love, light and friends. I have self-respect. I am not afraid to be identifiable on the internet. I did nothing wrong.

My son is much much braver than I have ever been, coping with rounds and rounds of chemotherapy, needles and endless bags of blood and platelets.

You are going to come through this pain. This pain you have is going to go. Your husband will shrink in your estimation and you will find joy and laughter again. I promise.

The wisest thing somebody told me, is that Love needs nurturing, like a plant - it needs to be fed and watered and without those things, it dies naturally. This love you feel for your piss-poor husband, will fade and die.

His loss. He's an Arsewipe.

Whatnext074 Sun 13-Oct-13 23:54:46

Thank you so much.

I still can't believe this is happening, I need to get better, I scared myself. I draw strength from you all.

LondonNinja Sun 13-Oct-13 23:56:08

Wonderful post, Amazonian. (And wishing your son good health soon.)

LondonNinja Sun 13-Oct-13 23:58:10

Whatnext, I think you're in shock. It's a physical reaction and send you reeling.

It will not last.

You have seen rock bottom - and you're climbing up and up. You really are. We are all urging you onwards and upwards, lady!

Whatnext074 Mon 14-Oct-13 00:02:11

Amazonian - thank you for sharing, that is just heartbreaking and uplifting at the same time. You sound like an amazing woman. There is hope, living by the minute and taking small steps.

I wish your son all the best, my DS was seriously ill with meningitis when he was 5 and as a mother, it is the most difficult thing to see them in pain but they are the strong ones. I wish your son and you every good thing for the future.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 14-Oct-13 00:06:05

Whatnext - I will say what I say to everyone - you have to take one day at a time, it will take time then one day you will realise you have got to lunch time without thinking about him. Eventually you will realise that this was not about you, a nice man would not behave in this way - if the relationship was over there are far more considerate ways to go about separating.

I have made so many friends on here who have been through the same thing they are all in a much better place in their lives a few years down the road - you are not alone and you can do it.

Unlikely - I remember your thread, I probably told you the same thing (possibly under a different name)

I look back on the person I thought I couldn't live without - I feel sorry for him, I doubt he will ever be happy - I had a lucky escape and I am sure he has made countless women unhappy since we broke up.

chubbychipmonk Mon 14-Oct-13 00:34:53

Unlikely & whatnext. . thanks For you both.

Unlikely you sound like an amazing person, I hope your son is getting better.

Whatnext I hope you are drawing strength from all the posters on here, you have us all right behind you every step of the way.

springybiffy Mon 14-Oct-13 00:36:54

Glad to see you made it through that awful night flowers

someone posted about the crisis team. Please get a referral through your GP for the crisis team to visit you in your home. It is not the same as being sectioned - in fact it is nothing like being sectioned. ime it is nigh impossible to get someone sectioned anyway - I tried for years to get my neighbour sectioned and drew a complete blank.

Maybe you're seeing extremes eg sectioned or die. You don't have to do/be either. Darling, if you check out, you pass the pain onto your son. I'm not exaggerating. Try to find a way to bear this pain. Like when you were in labour, you found a way to get through it. Do it for your boy xxx

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 00:39:01

Whatnext...so glad you're ok. Take hour by hour. Each day you get through is a day nearer to this pain becoming bearable, then it fading, fading until you are yourself again.

Amazonian...what an amazing woman you are. Tears reading your post. No love like a mothers love and I think that's what gets many of us through these shitty, dark periods in our lives. Best wishes to you and your ds.

Whatnext- be kind to yourself, eat little and often, even soup or hot chocolate will give you some energy. Hope work goes ok tomorrow- take an hour by hour.

We are all rooting for you and are here for you to post at any time you feel low again.
Hugs x

I found huge strength, care and wisdom from posters on MN back then and I really hope that you are finding the same. Keep seeking that strength on here and in Real Life.

Small steps. Baby steps. Take things one hour, one morning, one afternoon, one day, one week at a time.

Your husband is a callous knob. No matter how apparently wonderful he was before, that's what he has turned out to be. Yes, it's a head-fuck but you do get it eventually and the pain subsides.

He's her problem now, not yours. And believe me, he is going to end up being one major problem for her too.

Treat yourself even if you can't face it - a half hour massage, a steaming hot bubble bath. I bought a huge garden swing and used to swing on it in the middle of the night when sleep would not come, and in all weather.

Self-love... loving yourself when and if you can... is important right now. You can and will get through this. Lean on anyone and everyone you can. Make it real by telling everyone what he has done.

Whatnext074 Mon 14-Oct-13 00:53:58

mammadiggingdeep - I thought that tonight, each day, no matter how painful is a success as I have got through it. Thank you for your support.

springybiffy - I will try to remember your post in dark moments. My GP asked me if I was a danger to myself and I said I don't have that right. I need to remember that no matter how much I miss my H, if I wasn't here then my DS would miss me 100 times more forever.

Last night, I felt less than worthless, I will have more moments when I feel worthless but I need to remember my DS, my support in RL and my support here.

Glad to see you're a bit calmer now OP, wishing you all the best x

birdmomma Mon 14-Oct-13 05:26:41

So happy to hear you're still with us. Thinking of you. Amazonian - you sound amazing.

Wellwobbly Mon 14-Oct-13 06:59:29

Well, if it is confession time... I also hug my teddy! x

Amazon, wow. You and I had bomb drop at round about the same time. And here is the difference between her and me, Whatnext: I have spent the last 5 years 'reconciling' and now am facing the gut wrenching pain of it all being over.

Believe whoever told you that he is now her problem. Guess what Mr Wobbly's OW whined about? 'You never talk to me'.... and she was starting to make emotional demands and show jealousy of his family at the end ha ha ha!
It is THEM and their emotional lack of connection, not you. His text about being woken up and Sky? Breathtaking in its lack of empathy or connection. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

Seriously, OW deserves everything she is going to get. This is why I have no sympathy for any OW that comes bleating on here after they have in turn been abused. If you knew he was in a committed relationship when you got involved, then you are actively participating in the emotional, financial and sexual abuse of another person. You are actively ignoring the clear message that you are getting involved with an abuser.

Whatnext, we know what it feels like. Keep breathing, keep eating, keep talking to us, one hour at a time. You WILL survive this pain, and with some courage and honesty, you will grow so much through it.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 07:02:55

Yes what next....I used to actually say to myself aloud at the end of a day "that's another day done". Sometimes, when I couldn't face getting out of bed in the mornings I'd think...lets get in with this day, lets get it over with. Each day does become a little less painful. You will get good days and bad ones (like your night on Saturday) but unfortunately you're on this roller coaster now and you e got to ride it to the bitter end. It's a ride you don't want to be riding and one you didn't put yourself on but you've still got to get through it my lovely. We are all here to support you.

I hope you managed some sleep and that work is manageable today. Remember: an hour at a time and the day will pass...
X

clarinsgirl Mon 14-Oct-13 07:24:06

Whatnext, really glad to hear from you. I don't have direct experience to draw on of what you are going through but in dark times I find it helpful to imagine 6 months, a year or 3 years time. I think of this pain fading and of where I want to be. Its early days for you yet but it will get better x

BigWoooooo Mon 14-Oct-13 08:14:33

I am so pleased you are ok WhatNext. Everyone on here is right, you will get better. Gradually your bad days won't be as bad as Saturday and you will notice that you are having more good days and you will be better.

Amazonion what an amazing lady you must be. Your post brought a tear to my eye. I wish your son a speedy and full recovery.

I have never been divorced, but I am the child of a very painful divorce so I can be the voice of Christmas future! My mum was like you. My dad was controlling. When he walked out she didn't know how to write a cheque. She'd never been allowed to a supermarket. She couldn't change a light bulb. She was 16 when they met and 29 when he left. She had two small children and she has told me how she felt as though the world had ended. I was only 4, but I remember the pain. I remember her clinging to me and crying. I remember relatives trying to help. Very dark days.

But now? I'm a grown up and my mum is an amazing, strong, DIY fiend! More importantly, she is happy. She is remarried, something she couldn't even imagine all those years ago. She has a grandson that she dotes on. She has walked two daughters down the aisle and spoken at their weddings.

My dad? Well, I haven't heard from him in 10 years, but I recently found out he is getting divorced. Again. My mum says she feels nothing at all. I do though, I feel sad that this man is not capable of experiencing true joy. I feel sad that he is alone again, but this time in his 60s, but he is toxic.

You continue to be a good and loving person and you will be ok. It might take 4 weeks, 4months or even 4 years, but you will be fine flowers

BitOutOfPractice Mon 14-Oct-13 08:45:50

Op when I was at my lowest ebb I checked exDp's and his OW's profiles obsessively. I mean, every few minutes. It was like a drug. I couldn't stop. And it made me so unhappy.

But I did stop. One day I realised it was lunchtime and I hadn't checked. A few weeks later and I'd stopped altogether. I haven't looked for months and months now.

You will get there. Promise. Keep going xx

cozietoesie Mon 14-Oct-13 09:20:16

There you go, What. You may not feel strong but you managed to get through that very dark night. People will be here if you want to rant or dump - there's usually someone around even in the wee small hours.

See if you can get a couple of hours sleep this afternoon if sleeping at night is difficult. Taking care of your physical self is very important right now.

BlueSkySunnyDay Mon 14-Oct-13 09:34:16

I think wellwobbly has confirmed what I have observed - when the relationship is over fullstop - the pain is immediate and intense but slowly ends

With the friends who stayed with their OH it is a much more prolonged process and a few have subsequently decided that the relationship needed to end anyway.

Keep yourself busy, take all the help and company you can get and don't talk about it all the time I know you will want to but its like picking at a scab it wont get better unless you give it a chance.

If you have a wobble come on here and vent, there will be someone else here who has been through the same.

rootypig Mon 14-Oct-13 09:36:15

Well done whatnext, for holding on. Come back every time you need to, every dark night.

flowers

susanalbumparty Mon 14-Oct-13 09:56:08

I read your other thread and I am so sorry you are going through this. It is not your fault this happened and as others have said he is guilty and therefore wants o hurt you to make himself feel better.

The reason I am posting is that I am just coming out the other side of a breakdown fuelled by a long period of anxiety and depression. I was also suicidal for the first time in my life. I felt utterly lost and unable to continue. Thank God though I was able to tell my GP how I was feeling. She made a referral to the Crisis Team and they saw me the same day and then either came to see me or caled me every day until my meds started to kick in and I felt I could keep myself safe. I also got hooked up with some CBT within the week which is really helping me to challenge the negative thought cycle and self-loathing loop I am in which is driving the anxiety an depression.

I urge you please to speak to your GP, tell her/him about the suicidal feelings and ask for some counselling and support from the crisis team. You don't have to do this alone. I also urge you please to take a break from work. I know it feels hard but if you don't give yourself so e proper respite you will sink lower. It sounds like your employer is supportive and would understand.

Please also remember that (although you can't see it now) these feelings are temporary, they will pass, you can and will have a bright future. Suicide is permanent. Sorry to put it so bluntly and I don't say it lightly. I've ben there and I can say now that I didn't want to die, I just wanted to stop feeling so shit. With time and help I have stopped feeling so shit. Please, go see your GP today, get a fit note and a referral to the crisis team. Think about yourself today not your twat of an H and the OW.

Whatnext you are a brave and strong woman, you've done so so well getting through that night and carrying on. I am in tears reading some of the stories on this thread. Please do cherish yourself every day and every night and post on MN if it helps. (I'm not normally up at 1am but I'm glad I was on Saturday night!)

bluebirdwsm Mon 14-Oct-13 10:57:08

Your body is probably seriously out of kilter due to the surges of adrenalin that are helping you to 'fight' all the distress and causing you to feel unwell.
Try and concentrate on eating good things to redress the balance. Have a very good diet and try and have some food at regular intervals even if you don't feel like it.
If the physical body is being nourished, the mental chaos has a chance of easing up as body and mind need to be in tune - and recovery can follow.
Give yourself rest, sleep, good food, get support and company, shelter, cleanliness - the basics of survival. I hope you have an ok day.

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld Mon 14-Oct-13 11:09:29

Whatnext, I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. Only read your thread this morning, and just want to say it will get easier. We're all here for you.

Get yourself signed off work, and see if your son can take a few days off. Do something together, just the two of you, like going to a movie or a meal. Distraction is key, fill your time with anything other than that cheating twat of an ex.

You are a beautiful, strong woman. He doesn't deserve you.

If you're around London, try the museums. They were a lifesaver for me when ex left, they reminded me that there is still beauty and joy and wonder in the world.

Stay positive, sweetheart. Thinking of you xx

Inspirational post Bigwooooo

Hold on and keep putting one foot in front of another op. I totally second the advice about trying to eat and sleep. Adrenalin surges are exhausting and horrible. But they do stop !

Putitonthelist Mon 14-Oct-13 11:42:17

Amazonian - another one in at tears at your post and in awe at your strength. Very best wishes to you and your son x

Zhx3 Mon 14-Oct-13 12:49:54

Hi Whatnext,

I saw this today and thought of you smile. Hope it provides a little light relief brew.

7 Ways to Be Insufferable on Facebook

Hello What

I don’t post very much on these boards but I did read your post and the rawness of it made me want to add to the wonderful support and advice that you have read. It’s nothing new – more an affirmation of what others have said and as when I was in the eye of the storm knowing others had made it out the other side did help me.

In brief, my husband left unexpectedly when my son was 2.5, I was in the middle of IVF and we can recently ended a pregnancy for medical reasons. I was blindsided but more than that my ‘D’ H turned into a totally different person overnight from loving husband to the person that said post egg collection “you may as well shut the fuck up crying as I feel nothing for you anymore”. Confronting and at the time it drove me to the edge of reason.

Its 3 years later now and whilst still a little snakes and ladders I can barely recognise myself from the woman that almost broke. I lost huge amounts of weight (from a frame that was not large), was left to forge new career (I’d moved to Australia when pregnant and had not worked her and prevented from moving back), had no idea how to find the front door let along earn enough to house and feed by son, and for a good while wanted to just sit down in the middle of the road and make it all go away. The idea that I would ever have moments of happiness again was inconceivable.

I posted a lot of Mumsnet (Springy and others held my hand and kept me sane) but even on here and in RL when people would tell me I would get through it and would not feel the incredible weight of physical and mental pain I would smile and nod but not believe it. I felt that their experiences were different to mine. Their depth of feeling towards their ex, different to mine. I am (without sounding up myself) a fairly smart person but could not countenance that their weight of experience was relevant to mine.

But I’m here to tell you that as unlikely as it seems in the here and now, the weight of experience is right. You WILL get through this. And you WILL feel better. It WILL happen. Of course it changes for both good and bad but you will emerge from this and you will look back at your broken self and be so fucking pleased that he didn’t take the most important thing from you. Life can and will be good, as improbable as it seems today.

This is a saying I go back to again and again….I’m not sure of origins (I can’t take credit for it - a friend friend's poet friend I think) but a friend sent it to me and I recently sent it to a friend struggling….you say that you feel a little – just a little better – so hang on to that and remember ....

There is light and there is darkness. There is always a bit of light. Stay with this light, just with that little bit. Don’t look for a bigger one. Stay with what you’ve got. It’ll grow. Stay with the small light. Very important. Stay with it. Don’t stay with what you haven’t got. Light is light.

Stay with the light Well -- there will be more to come x

oops mixed up my what's with my well's in last sentence ......blush

FelineSad Mon 14-Oct-13 13:19:47

OP read your original post so I'm sure this has moved on a bit.

My ex's OW is as plain and dowdy as they come. However they've know each other for over 30 years so presumably that trumps looks.

I don't think it makes it any better if the OW is plain. In fact it's probably worse because you know the attraction is probably more than superficial..........

Hope you're feeling better today.

redundantandbitter Mon 14-Oct-13 13:59:12

downunderdolly I'm in tears at your post. Currently holding onto the little bit of light too. Glad you are onthe other side. Thanks

downunderdolly I'll never forget that quote. Thank you.

ellengeorgia Mon 14-Oct-13 15:17:38

Lovely post/quote dolly

mrsmciver Mon 14-Oct-13 16:08:12

Hello What

I have been following your thread and just wanted to offer my support. I know what you are going through. My husband left 6 months ago. I was bereft, devastated and suicidal. I could barely get through one hour let alone a day. But I listened to all the ladies on here and they helped me enormously, I recognise a lot of their names and they all know what they are talking about. Please believe when they say it does get easier. You have to focus on you now, try to not think about what he is doing, don't torture yourself. Get out and about as much as you can, accept invites and be kind to yourself. You are not just grieving, but that feeling of being abandoned and betrayed is overwhelming.
And hold onto the light, keep looking for the light, I am too and a lot of us on here are.

itwillgetbettersoon Mon 14-Oct-13 16:45:20

Hello What - so glad you have posted again - I read your post and was so worried about you. But you are strong and brave and here we are Monday afternoon.

My Twunt left 18 mths ago and it was so very unexpected. He told me he had been having an affair then few weeks later moved in with her - basis of a good solids relationship there!!!

I was devastated. He left Sunday night. On the Monday I had to get my boys to school. I don't know how I did it looking back. But we are strong.

This summer I took my two back packing around Europe - we had a ball. It was such a honour to spend this special time with my children. My Twunt missed out on that!

18 mths later I am getting stronger and soon I will get a solicitor to start the divorce. At the moment I know it irritates the OW that he is still married and so I get some pleasure from that :/).

One small step every day. As someone else said I use to go to bed and think well I got through that day not too badly. My children love me. We have a lovely relationship that Twunt will never replicate. It is his loss and I now finally say to myself "she is so welcome to him!"

marimeifod Mon 14-Oct-13 17:27:20

Like other posters I am very glad you managed to get through the night OP. Just keep taking it five minutes at a time.
xx

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 17:30:46

Ladies.......reading your posts on here is just inspirational. We are all at different stages of this process but my god, the STRENGTH we all have is incredible. We are all fighting out own battles and making our way on our separate journeys but I just want to stop to say you are all incredible and the support you offer others in here is fantastic. I know it helped me through the worst and I hope others feel supported too.

The quote about hanging onto the light is so accurate. That's exactly what you need to do whatnext. On the days you lose sight of that light we are here got you.
Xx

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 17:31:22

* for you

itwillgetbetter, backpacking around Europe? Wow. Just WOW!

Hope you are getting through today whatnext. Just getting through, at this early stage, is a triumph in itself.

FelineSad Mon 14-Oct-13 18:27:53

Now read the whole thread. Whatnext really understand what you're going through 6 weeks post bombshell.

Things that have helped me:

1. Working. My boss and co worker knew and were really good. Some days I was neither use nor ornament but it gave me structure, something else to think about and also it gave me a sense of normality. I have spent so much time at work putting on a front and being 'happy' that some of it has actually seeped into my reality.

2. Remembering that it's not about you at all. The issues my ex had with me were so mundane and banal that he was obviously scrabbling for reasons as to why he walked. Obviously ignoring the true reason: wanting some excitement and someone else to shag. that simple really.

3.As much as possible cutting out of my life completely. We have kids so not entirely possible. He looks after the kids on the days I work late at my house but otherwise I just pretend he doesn't exist. No texts, e-mails phone calls nothing. I think he finds that more unnerving that me maintaining contact as I did before (usually things about the kids, test results, funny incidents etc etc).

4. Finally the biggest revenge is to show him that you are getting on with your life. Everyone I know knows my situation and that if there is any social function if they could include me. My diary is filling up. I may not necessarily want to go but I need to get out of the house and not brood. Tomorrow I'm going shopping for a really nice going out outfit espeacially as I have lost 1 and a half stone since all this happened.

Take care and remember one day at a time. xx

anonacfr Mon 14-Oct-13 20:01:50

I just want to say I am in awe reading this thread. You are all amazing strong people and your children are lucky to have you as mothers.

Whatnext074 Mon 14-Oct-13 20:27:47

I am truly humbled reading your experiences and your support for me.

Today was another bad day sadly and I feel dreadful. I'm not busy at work which gives me more time to think.

I have almost done another day, another day that I didn't think I would see. A friend, who knows my situation, said to me that I look much better and I must have had a great weekend. I just wanted to curl up into my ball and tell her exactly what my weekend was like. I can't tell anyone in RL how I'm feeling when I get like I did at the weekend, I am so ashamed but in those moments, it feels rational. It is scary.

I am trying to hold onto all your advice. Somebody up thread said they felt the same but now realise that they didn't want to not be here anymore, they just wanted the pain to stop - I do too. Those of you who have been there sound so strong and I envy you, I want to be strong but my H is right, it's just one thing after another that happens where I'm concerned, even though these terrible things are out of my control. I'm so tired of it all, I'm not surprised he left me sometimes, I would too if I could. He's going to have a great life, mine is going backwards.

I'm so sorry to be so negative when some of you have been through such terrible things and have survived. I feel ashamed with self pity, especially when you have all been so kind.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 20:48:57

Oh whatnext....so sorry you've had a down day sad

What are you doing this evening?? Are you tired? Could you go and try to relax in the bath and try an early night.

Ok, it was a bad day....but you got through it...one day closer to feeling ok.

Please re-read the post up thread about holding on to that little chink if light. Cling on to that chunk of light.....your dc is your little ray if sunshine....stay focused for him.

Don't dwell on what rubbish your h thought about you. Utter shit. You are great, I bet you're a great mother, a good friend and you seem intelligent, kind and thoughtful. Fuck what he thinks. You mustn't envy the strength of us posters...you need to dig deep and find you're own. Correction, find more of your own because you are strong. You have made it through another difficult day and are posting here. That means you're strong enough to reach out for help...and we are here my lovely. We are all here for you
Xx

skyeskyeskye Mon 14-Oct-13 20:59:33

Agree, hold onto the light, the knowledge that one day it will be different, it will be better. I wanted to just get into bed and never get out when XH left me and I didn't come to MN for help until he had gone, come back and gone again.

He destroyed me, my life and my DD's life, by walking out with no warning, by texting OW, by announcing he no longer loved me.

But I had to carry on for DD's sake. I had no choice. And slowly, little by little, it gets better, the pain fades, the good days happen more often. I still have bad days but not as many. I have been honest with my friends and they have all been very supportive and kind. My counsellor is making me see that he wasnt the man I thought he was. I can't let him drag me down and destroy me.

It is literally one day at a time, until you feel stronger, better, happier..... Until you realise that you don't think or feel that way any more.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 21:04:53

Exactly Skye....we have no choice but to cling to that light for our dc. Whatnext, when I was at my lowest my mum advised me not to let a day go past where I wasted time with my beautiful dd's. she was right, they're only little once and I didn't want to waste a year, maybe 2 focussing on him and missing out on them. Of course you have to grieve but in your lowest moments cling to the light that is your dc. When you said your life is going backwards....no it isn't, you have your dc. They are your future. X

Whatnext074 Mon 14-Oct-13 21:05:33

Thank you both xx

what, sorry but your friend sounds incredibly insensitive. shock

Can you tell us what you have done this evening? What have you had for tea and where is your son?

Do you drink wine? I will do a virtual clink of glasses with you if you do. [makes loudy slurpy noises on wine]

Whatnext074 Mon 14-Oct-13 21:59:33

My son is with my parents as he works with my Dad during the week. He is fed up of them constantly talking about me and how I need to snap out of it. He text me and said he has told them he doesn't want to discuss me as it got him down so much last week with them saying I was killing myself with the way I am. Tonight my Mum hasn't stopped on at him and has called me a stupid woman to my son and why don't I just pull myself together.

I have had a glass of wine, I did a microwave dinner but can't face it, I ate a bowl of cereal. I don't even feel hungry anymore but know I need to put weight on.

I've just been on the internet tonight, am so worried when my H cuts it off. I know I need to pay for it but can't even go a night without it at the moment. I've been looking at the links MN posters have sent through.

I am a mess, I know I'm hurting myself and need to get a grip but I have lost all sense of normality.

I just desperately want my H to hold me and tell me he's sorry and that we'll be okay - that will never happen again, I know but we were so close and this is so sudden. I felt safe for the first time in my life.

I think your H is NOT right - from what I've heard about him so far he has the empathy and intuition of a hippo so I would pay no attention to his views. YOU are right, the terrible things have been completely beyond your control. And they have been terrible, and you are suffering much grief and you need to care for yourself as much as you can during this time. You are precious and YOU have much empathy and intuition to share with the world. Take it one day, one night, one hour at a time. But please PLEASE ask for help if it all gets darker - the crisis team mentioned in this thread, GP, your brother, your son, reach out to someone.

Jarlin Mon 14-Oct-13 22:11:06

Cereal is fine for now. I lived on it for weeks after ex and I split.

You mentioned in an earlier post that you need to sort sky/internet/phone.
I am assuming they are being paid for as a Sky package??
If you can't afford the package why not cancel Sky and find another internet provider? Hopefully that will be more affordable?

Sorry to hear about your mum being so unsupportive. I hope others can advise you on how to deal with that as I have no idea, just feel angry for you

Your son sounds fabulous. I am a little in love with him!

It's totally normal to still feel pain and shell shock. Your husband is a shit of the first order. I am still reeling from him being cross that you woke him up! Words fail me!

i expect that was bollocks actually - he will have had to say that in front of OW if she was there.

Have you looked up your local mumsnet yet? You could do with some soldiers from the MN-Tough-As-Nuts-Take-No-Shit-Offer-Comfort-And-Hugs-Support-Army to chat and wail to.

Your parents aren't helping are they!? Your poor son.

So what is happening with the internet? You are completely right, you cannot let yourself be isolated from the support and connection available on the internet. Can it not be transferred to your name or something? Can you afford to pay for the phone and internet? (If its an expensive package perhaps you could put it in your name and ask for a more budget option that suits your use?)

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 22:22:31

Your parents comments really aren't helpful- annoying. Your friends comments didn't seem totally helpful today wither. Who do ou have in real life that could turn out to be a bit of rock for you?? Please lean on people...it's what they're there for (if they've got helpful things to say!!).

Do u have an I pad or tablet?? You can get SIM cards for Internet use which is quite cheap, or a pay as you go dongle for a lap top??

Well done for eating, even if its only cereal. Stay posting if you need to chat.

Which links have you looked at? Hope done are useful to you.
X

itwillgetbettersoon Mon 14-Oct-13 22:36:43

Re sky package can you cancel the tv package and just have phone and Internet. Or just cancel the lot and tell H to sod off and ring BT who will jump at chance of new custom. Get your son to help - 20 year old boys usually love that kind of thing - pizza and beer to bribe????

redundantandbitter Mon 14-Oct-13 22:51:58

When my DD's father left he Informed his employer that he had moved - they paid for our Internet connection. I went through the Guardian newspaper advert to get the best option for me. I signed up for landline and Internet and cancelled BT phone and it was CHEAPER! Two big fat fingers up at him. Ok, you won't want to do that now. But it's in the thread and you can always look back at people's suggestions when you are ready. Maybe your lovely DS could help? Ok , practical advice aside. I know today was a bad day, but don't feel you have to put on a face for friends. When people ask me "how are you doing?" I just shake my head and they know. Of course your weekend was ful of dark and not much light. Would it help to think that each day that passes is a day further away from the acute pain.. And one day nearer to some calm and that chink Of light? Moving forward, away from him and towards you and your son. You are entangling and it's bloody hard. But you have already been through the worst, you're doing ok. And ok is good enough. Now, how about some toast?

Whatnext074 Mon 14-Oct-13 22:56:54

I have looked up my local MN but there are no entries since last year so think it's not an active group.

His solicitor said that internet etc isn't an essential so he has no obligation to pay for any of that but I work from home sometimes so I need the internet, also I thought it was down to the way I have been accustomed to living so he can't just cut off these things.

I know I'll need to pay for it but I'm paying for so much now. I was very poor for years, had food given to me by a church when my DS was young even though I worked 3 jobs. I can't bear to be poor again and struggle.

I asked him on Saturday night when I called if he was with OW and he said no, I believed him again - I thought if he was then surely he wouldn't have picked up phone to me? But now it really hurts that he probably was with her.

Oh God, I can't believe the pain I'm feeling. I can't stop crying.

mammadiggingdeep Mon 14-Oct-13 23:07:18

Holding your hand whatnext.

Please try not to worry about anything that is out of your control at the moment. Practical arrangements and finances can be sorted another time. Just focus on you and making yourself feel slightly better and getting through these early dark days.
Hang on in there... Hopefully you can get some sleep soon and get through another night. Tomorrow is a new day and another one closer to this bastard pain easing....

Jarlin Mon 14-Oct-13 23:09:41

Cry away. It's all still so raw sad

I wish we could be there to comfort you. But we are here - giving you a cyber hand to hold.

Keep posting what

Cry away. Can you make yourself a cup of hot chocolate? something sweet? with a good dash of brandy in it for good measure and take the edge off?

I bought a cheap bottle of brandy and dribbled a little in my coffee often, just to give my taste buds a shocking kick!

You need a big box of tissues by you and some moisturiser to dab on your face and around your eyes when you're crying. It's all ok. Cry away. It's horrible.

It would be incredibly bloody shitty of him to cut off your internet (and therefore landline phone too?)

FFs, has he actually said he really will do this and given you a date? or is it an idle threat?

Are you in touch with him by email?

I for one can certainly draft you a decent email which you can send.

cozietoesie Mon 14-Oct-13 23:18:36

Forgive me if I've overlooked it, What, but you mentioned 'his solicitor'.

Have you got one of your own?

Whatnext074 Mon 14-Oct-13 23:32:48

He saw a solicitor 2 weeks ago and I emailed him (in response to his 'internet' email) what his solicitor said as I haven't heard anything or had a letter or anything. He said his solicitor said that there is no reason for him to be paying for those bills. I pay for everything else anyway. He said he is giving me the option to take on the cost or he will cut it all off - he said he's being fair by giving me the option. He said everything else can wait for now - meaning the divorce. For some reason, after months of saying he will divorce me, now he says he's not and wants me to divorce him under adultery as he "deserves it". My head is so messed up.

I saw a solicitor weeks ago and she advised me to sort things out 'amicably' rather than involve the courts. I got in touch with my law firm today to ask how much it would be to get more advice now. Hopefully they will contact me tomorrow.

He emails me but only to tell me about the bills and what needs to be done in the house to prepare it for going on the market. He then said he has a sense of how I'm feeling and it's best to have no contact in the hope that I get stronger and able to have productive conversations in the future.

skyeskyeskye Mon 14-Oct-13 23:33:58

Crying is a release valve so you need to cry if that's how you feel. But dont let it be the only thing you do.

Regarding food, eat little and often. Cereal, toast, bananas, biscuits, just little things that dont seem much effort. and drink plenty of water and take multi vitamins. I existed in water, multi vits and half a banana and half a sandwich for weeks. I just felt too sick to eat and it becomes a vicious circle.

A very wise woman on here, who has been through her own loss said that "grief is the price you pay for love". It is true and the deeper you loved, the harder you grieve.

It is wrong for people to tell you to pull yourself together, that is not supporting you. You feel how you feel and nobody can change that in an instant by telling you to get over it. If only it were that easy!........

Keep posting and try and get some decent support from somewhere.

VoodooHexDoll Mon 14-Oct-13 23:39:37

Dont drink as it stops the antidepressents working and you need them to work right now.

Breath thru the pain. Cry, shout, scream hit a pillow what ever you need to do to get to the next second or minute or hour. You will get thru this and look back and be proud of how strong you are and how you moved on to a better place. Imagin holding your sons baby or being at his wedding, thats where you want to be and where you are needed.

This man does not define who you are.

We are all put on Earth for a reason and I dont believe you have found yours yet so keep going xx

You are greaving for the lo and the relationship you have lost. Its going to hurt. Its ok to hurt xx

Get all the practical things sorted and have no contact with your exh and give yourself permission to start healing.

You need time and distance to heal to find yourself. Your life is not over its about to begin but you need to accept its over with your husband and you will be ok without him.

You can do this you will cope when you are ready to.

Keep talking to us xx

cozietoesie Mon 14-Oct-13 23:47:57

....He then said he has a sense of how I'm feeling and it's best to have no contact in the hope that I get stronger and able to have productive conversations in the future......

Oh Boy. Forgive me but I reckon that the last thing he wants is for you to get stronger. Sounds (and not just from that above) as if he would be quite happy if you were an official 'mess' and couldn't stand up for yourself.

I think you may have to get a different and more proactive solicitor - but see if they get in touch tomorrow.

tawse57 Tue 15-Oct-13 00:05:11

I've just read this thread and I feel for you Whatnext074, I really do.

As others have said, the pain is part of the grieving process. The anger will come soon and you will get through this. You will get stronger and you will, whether you believe it or not now, go on to live a better, happier life.

The best way you can win against him is by being happy and living a long, good, happy life.

Winston Churchill once said that when you are going through Hell the best thing to do is to keep on going - believe me, you can and will get through all of this.

I once needed a solicitor and a lovely, nice young man came in to meet me - I realised immediately he was not experienced or tough enough. I politely explained to him that I needed a rottweiler of a solicitor. I think that, perhaps, you need a rottweiler too?

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 00:34:25

Thank you all for taking the time to check on me and offer support. I am taking it all on board and you have helped me.

I need to sort the internet out as I don't know what I would do without it at the moment. He earns shed-loads of money but just wants to spend it on his OW now, I need the internet - God only knows how I would have been on Saturday without your help. I'll see what I can afford.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 00:39:02

Assume you'll get to keep your internet in some way - there are lots of good deals out there and if 'his solicitor' persuades him that he can withdraw funding for it, something can be sorted out.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 08:37:42

Morning whatnext.
I hope you managed a bit of sleep. How are you this morning? Have you eaten some breakfast? In danger of sounding like my mother here but do try to eat something...some more cereal or some toast.

Just read your update regarding the solicitor. Totally agree that you need a bit of a Rottweiler solicitor here. Now, I could have this TOTALLY wrong but I seem to recall that a neighbour who had been cheated on by her fuckwit of a husband divorced him citing adultery....vaguely remember her saying that because of this she had to meet the costs (seem to remember about 800 ponies being mentioned). Could have this wrong, maybe others on here can confirm/correct me here. Anyway, just wondering why he would want you to divorce him and cite adultery all of a sudden. "Because he deserves it", is a load of rubbish so it seems a bit suspect from an outsider.

Also- the letter saying about Internet connection, do u think it was just a 'trying it on' letter. Do you think he a really will do it?? If he's meeting the cost of everything else, what's his problem with this particular bill??

Now you are separated would you be able to claim any benefits that could help you to meet these costs yourself so that u can stick two fingers up at him and just take the contract over??

Anyway...if you're still not in the frame of mind to deal with these things they can wait for today. Just get through the day...hour by hour. Are you going to work?

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 08:39:22

* ponies??!! Pounds... Sorry, on phone x

skyeskyeskye Tue 15-Oct-13 11:27:51

If you file the divorce petition it will cost you £410 I think. It's all changed a bit since I did mine last year. i think if you file for adultery you can ask him to pay the costs though.....

captainmummy Tue 15-Oct-13 11:38:04

I agree - get a shit-hot solicitor. If he 'earns shed-loads of money' then he can quite reasonably be expected to pay towards your costs. And don't divorce him, let him stew.

BigWoooooo Tue 15-Oct-13 11:49:24

Par for the course I think whatsNext. Some men seem to forget about the family that they loved and view a divorce as something you 'win'. A competitive thing maybe? Or a way of dealing with their guilt - make you the bad one? I don't know, but I do know that those men don't find happiness, because they close themselves off too much.

I am so pleased you are doing better. Every day will be a little bit better. Even if it is only 1% , it's still better. Keep posting and keep talking in real life too. You WILL be ok.

Longtallsally Tue 15-Oct-13 12:03:20

Whatnext - just popping in to say hi, as I have been (almost) without internet since Saturday. Have been thinking about you and have been able to read a little on MN via my phone - though posting takes ages.

Have you got a smartphone? If your h is messing about with the internet and if you can't get online or pick up the bills, you can get a phone with mobile access for c£10.50 per month, with calls included, so you could always get online that way. Just choose a phone like the Galaxy Samsung, not a Blackberry like me, with a nice big screen for MNetting! I'm sure that your ds would help you choose one.

Give your ds a hug from us. Can't believe your mum is still going on at him. She is worried about you but getting it so wrong, whereas he is such a star, isn't he? You must be very proud of him to have produced such a level headed young man.

Thinking of you.

susanalbumparty Tue 15-Oct-13 12:48:27

Whatnext, it sounds like he is railroading you - emailing you to tell you what to do to get the house ready for the market?! I am no expert but that seems a bit previous of him. It's certainly hugely insensitive if not cruel. I second others who are advising getting a solicitor on board.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 13:04:25

Absolutely. There's a shed load of money (marital assets) at stake here - the pension aspects alone are likely to be massive - and a seriously proactive solicitor is needed if the OP is not to be railroaded. My guess is that he's hoping, subconsciously, that What will just quietly disappear from the scene and leave him to enjoy his current lifestyle but with the different model.

Sorry. It doesn't work like that.

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 13:07:19

Mammadiggingdeep - I pay everything apart from Sky/home phone and internet and mortgage. He said he's going to stop paying for the internet etc but keep paying the mortgage BUT wants the house on the market in January.

My solicitor charges £235 + VAT an hour - I am shocked. I'm guessing that's why he didn't send me a solicitor letter when he went and why he wants ME to divorce HIM now due to cost.

Even if I get a solictor to draw up a Separation Agreement, that's another £900 approximately. He knows all this and I bet that's why he's being like this, to make me take the action.

I'm stuck - totally stuck. I'm not eligible for benefits or legal aid. I know costs could come out of any settlement but it's a lot of money to pay out for in the meantime.

I'm just distraught by it all and it gets worse.

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 13:10:11

Longtallsally - thank you for your kind words and for thinking of me.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 13:15:31

No no, What. Keep calm - you're OK.

Solicitors aren't going to bill you as you leave the office after seeing them because they know the score. Settling accounts will come later on - particularly in such a case as yours.

I'm afraid I don't recall what your relative financial contributions to the marriage were (eg whether you were always working out of the home and well paid or working in the home and not in receipt of external income) but I don't think you're going to be on the street.

You need a good solicitor directly. Unless your current firm have phoned you back already and are making very assertive noises (along with setting another appointment), I would be looking for a new one.

Do you have RL support as well?

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 13:21:56

Right well what he wants and what he gets are two different matters whatnext!!! Is your name in the mortgage??
Do you contribute to it? Have you over the years?

At the moment you don't have to do anything. You need time to get yourself together and really think it all through. By January you might agree to a sale. At the moment he should respect that you are in shock and deeply upset and fuck off with his demands. I feel so angry on your behalf.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 13:24:13

Yes, I also think he's trying to get you to take the action. Look, at the moment you're a really in a string position.

You are on the house. Don't do anything. He has to pay the mortgage of he'll default. Don't feel like any of this is going to happen tomorrow. It isn't. Don't do anything until you are ready to.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 13:25:04

* strong position and * in the house

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 13:26:21

* or he'll default.
Good god....my typos are ridiculous

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 13:29:15

Yes indeed. Angry. I just wish I knew more about English law (assuming the OP is in England.) But a solicitor will know.

I think it's worth noting, What, that for someone so penny pinching that he's talking about cutting off your current internet, he's immediately hired a lawyer. He may well be hoping that you are so unaware/isolated that you won't realize or take steps to find out your rights in this matter and will accept any crumbs he hands out.

Oh and By The Way - if your internet and services are Sky, there's a minimum 1 month termination lag as far as I know - you can't be cut off overnight.

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 15-Oct-13 13:34:19

Well you don't desperately need the divorce do you? Change your name back and call him your ex - apart from anything else the longer he is "married" to you the more it will piss of the OW grin It does sound like he is trying to get you to foot the legal bill...sod him, you don't have to compromise or do what he wants.

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 13:54:32

BlueSkySunnyDay - that's what I'm thinking, at the moment I am in no hurry to divorce him - as he wants me to under adultery because he knows it's quicker. I know I should think of myself but at the moment, I have some tiny satisfaction that they will both become annoyed that we are still married - even though they have their '5 year plan' as if he files, and I contest it, he has to wait 5 years. Maybe they don't care anyway as he is wiping me out in every other sense anyway.

Yes, I work f/t, pay all bills, car etc. He pays mortgage, both our names are on it.

He doesn't want me but he got annoyed when I created a new email address under my maiden name, said that I told him I won't divorce him so why am I changing my name on email. What the hell DOES he want??!! Messing with my head.

I have to get back to work now and try and keep it together. Just fall apart here every day - I'm a mess, it's so sad.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 13:58:49

I don't think you're a mess, What. You already sound a bit stronger than you did the other night. (Although you may not see it in yourself at the moment.)

Love that he was annoyed at you creating a new email address. My granny would have called that 'Wanting his cake and eating it'. He wants you still yearning after him. What an ego, eh?

Excellent advice here. You don't need to hurry. (a 1 month termination lag with SKY would give you lots of time to sign up with BT or someone else, IF he does pull the plug.)

He IS mean and showing you no respect!

Concentrate on yourself, on the first steps of healing. Is there something nice you can do for yourself today - a bath, some food, a walk, a book, a telly programme, something you like?

captainmummy Tue 15-Oct-13 14:52:41

Your solicitor is taking the piss - no way should it be that much per hour. Phone round, get a better idea of costs.

Put the house on the market? I think that whatever he wants you to do - I'd do the exact opposite! He left you - he doesnt get to tell yhou what to do any more. And loving the fact that he is annoyed that you changed back to your maiden name - what the hell has it got to do with him?

If you are both named on mortgage you are both liable for it - but if he stops paying it, you will be building up more equity than him! The mortgage company may be able to put the payments on a 'holiday' for a few months, until it's a bit more sorted.

takeitonthegin Tue 15-Oct-13 15:31:21

whatnext You can tell in the tone of your messages that you are getting stronger by the day. Keep going, you have a lot of people rooting for you. smile

BlueSkySunnyDay Tue 15-Oct-13 16:39:50

He doesn't want me but he got annoyed when I created a new email address under my maiden name, said that I told him I won't divorce him so why am I changing my name on email.

To which you answer "i'm doing what is convenient for me, I don't have to ask your permission"

Don't let him brow beat you, if a conversation is not going the way you want then end it - you no longer have to placate him, obviously I wouldn't recommend deliberate provoking him but as the marriage is "over" as far as he is concerned then your days of compromising to take into account his wants are over too.

They often don't like it when the "wife" starts to find her own feet and assert her wishes...tough.

If he wants a divorce then let him pay for it - point out to him "I'm sorry a divorce is just too expensive and not a priority as funds are low - I have had the unexpected expense of internet and sky" grin

Amazing how these guys move on but still expect their ex to jump through their hoops how and when they say.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 16:43:16

It's the old control issue, isn't it? They can't bear signs of independence and people acting on their own behalf.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 16:43:42

Whatnext....you are getting stronger! Brilliant. You know what, I think that anger is just around the corner.

I agree whole hearted, drag your feet divorcing him. Great it's a joint mortgage because you don't have to sell just be side he says so. I believe if one of you wants to sell and the other doesn't then a forced sale can be sorted through the courts, but takes ages. That's the advice I had recently in my situation, but we're unmarried. What I'm saying is, you can be rest assured that nothing needs to change straight away unless you want it to. You've got months to decide what's best for you and your ds. He can wait til you're ready.

Hope you got through work ok. Do u have plans this evening? See whatnext...you are bloody strong...another day you've got through and your mumsnet cheer leafing squad are right behind you smile xx

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 16:46:15

* cheer leading squad....grrrr to this phone!!!!

redundantandbitter Tue 15-Oct-13 16:52:17

Mamma I like the idea that we are cheerleaders - whatnext you must picture us all in hot pants shaking Pom poms... Go whatnext go whatnext. You do seem a bit stronger today. I like that you created a new email address, lots of good financial advice in here too. Sit tight for now. Wait til the fog clears a little. Hope work wasn't too bad. Now what are your plans for this evening?

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 17:10:24

I bought a DIY will so have to start on that. We had wills together and I don't want anything going to him. It's quite straightforward as everything will go to my DS. I'm sure my H has/is sorting his out as well. I need to prepare all my paperwork so that everything is sorted.

I don't want to be in this house at all, have hated it for years with all the memories and we were moving next year anyway, but I'm stuck for now and at least I have somewhere to live.

I was very weak when he asked me about the email address and I said it wouldn't take my married name etc, I was making excuses in case I upset him, wish it had been that I was strong enough to have told him it's not his business.

I appreciate you as cheerleaders, you have helped me so much and I wish I was as strong as you say I am, maybe soon. I am so ashamed that I miss him terribly.

skyeskyeskye Tue 15-Oct-13 17:19:27

My ex got arsy when I wanted him off the bank account and everything. So then he demanded to come off the mortgage, to which I replied - Don't worry, it is all in hand! He thought that he could get at me by doing that as I wouldn't be able to stay here. no thought for his DD at all! When I filed the divorce petition for Unreasonable Behaviour citing contact with OW and naming her, he went mental! But he had to agree to it because I had black and white evidence of everything that was on the petition.... He immediately changed his status to single on facebook too, lol.

It seems like even though they don't want you, they hate the fact of being erased from your life bit by bit! confused

springybiffy Tue 15-Oct-13 18:44:54

Darling, please don't feel ashamed. YOu don't need you beating yourself up now, you need all the support you can get. Starting with you... If you saw a woman, a stranger, who had been hit as hard as this, you would feel compassion, yes? If she was falling to bits, barely able to function, you'd feel compassion, tell her to take it easy, yes? Please, extend that compassion to yourself. It is totally understandable that you are beside yourself - of course you are, you wouldn't be human if you weren't. YOu have been desperately betrayed and the impact of that is immense. What you had together has been chopped off with an axe - of course you will be reeling with incredible shock and hurt (((((((hug)))))))

As others are saying, gradually gradually you will start to find your feet. You say you're not strong but there are glimpses of strength, even if you can't see them yourself - we can see them. Even if you can't stand up to him yet, you will. It will happen naturally, you won't have to force it. In the meantime, give yourself the space to weather this immense shock. Push everything back and create a safe space for yourself. You need it sweetheart. Anybody would xxxxx

BigWoooooo Tue 15-Oct-13 18:56:43

I saw this quote pop up on my Facebook today and it made me think of you:

Courage isn't having the strength to go on, it's going on when you don't have the strength.

You are showing tremendous courage.

Some of tge retorts on here are great, it's normal to only think of what you should have said after the event though, so don't beat yourself up.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 19:38:36

Great quote big woooo.

Well done whatnext for thinking about the will. That to me shows strength because through all of your hurt and sadness you are thinking clearly and practically. Even though I'm sure you don't feel that you are.

As for answering the questions about the email address so as not to answer him we'll u know what, that's another thing that tells me you're a good, decent person who loved deeply and properly. You're being true to yourself in your treatment of him. You could've sworn at him and told him that you want him eradicated from your life blah blah blah...but you are remaining dignified and are not lashing out. That doesn't show weakness just that you are not that type of person to get vicious. Perhaps it would make him feel better of you did get nasty...would somehow justify his total fucking cuntish behaviour. But, dignity is your friend as some wise mumsnet ter once told me.

Another day done dearest whatnext. Hope the evening is ok for you. Stay strong.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 19:40:10

* so as not to hurt him

Longtallsally Tue 15-Oct-13 19:47:20

Whatnext - I've just had a thought. I have a feeling that if you have been married more than 5 years you are entitled to a larger share of the home. If you don't divorce him quickly, then you will have been married longer and so may be entitled to more . . . .

Please don't be ashamed of anything. You are an honourable person who loved honestly and faithfully and truly. There is no shame. We don't know your H - all we know is the shameful behaviour he is currently demonstrating. But you know him well and loved him - of course you miss him. All mixed up with the horror and the grief and the shock and the disappointment and the pain. No-one could expect you to get through all this in an instant. But we are cheerleading for you, to keep on keeping on.

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 20:11:02

Longtallsally - he's offering me all the equity anyway but it's still not enough for me to get a decent place in a decent area. I had the house valued and it's not looking positive. He said it will pay for rent for me for next couple of years. He can just walk away and not take any of the equity because he earns a lot and gets a fat bonus every year. He feels he is doing the right thing by giving me the equity, it eases his conscience and his DM said he is 'noble' for doing that!

Thank you for the quote, thank you for the lovely words from the other cheerleaders since my last post xx

Mellowandfruitful Tue 15-Oct-13 21:04:06

I wouldn't rush to get the house on the market, then. If he's giving you the equity, it should be irrelevant to him when it gets sold. I imagine the OW is wanting to disentangle him from all marital arrangements asap. Well, tough. And I would not move the divorce along either. If you don't want to get aggressive with him, I would say each time it's raised that you've been so busy you really haven't had time to think about it, so if he want to take it forward, he's welcome to. Get him to cough up if he's so anxious for it to happen.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 21:04:32

Forget all his self-serving protestations about 'doing the right thing'. Go by the numbers. Always.

Eg

Pension provision
House Equity
Other assets acquired during the marriage (personal possessions, antiques, cars, whatever)
Relevant insurances

and so on.

Get thee to a rottweiler solicitor. They'll have all this at their fingertips. I only know Scottish law so can't really advise you but they'll be able to.

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 21:11:53

The only thing we have is the house. I think he's worried about his pension, I haven't mentioned it to him but I will be looking into a % of that too.

My solicitor is good, has 20 years experience and is expert in family law. Got her fees today and it's £282 (inc VAT) per HOUR. My sister said that's cheap. Somebody posted up thread that may be taken out of settlement but that's only if it ends in divorce and I'm not going to do that - at the moment to satisfy him and his OW.

It's all just a mess, I can't think straight and I just have no energy for any of this. I can't see a way out of this mess - I'm sorry to be so down all the time, I'm sorry. I know some people in RL are getting fed up of me. I didn't want any of this and can't hide my feelings or the way I look - I look dreadful. I'm sorry.

itwillgetbettersoon Tue 15-Oct-13 21:20:23

What - you sound stronger today. It is a roller coaster and some days will be bad but gradually they lesson. I'm 18 mths on and still have bad days and I've not even touched the divorce or house yet!

Don't get too bogged down about buying a house. When you are ready play around on some mortgage web sites and stretch the length of mortgage and see what you can get. There are also other options. Don't let him push you along the route of using the equity for rent. The equity is your financial future - along with some of his pension.
Take your time. Get Xmas out of the way perhaps?

Another day over - waves Pom Pom madly and well done.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 21:21:07

Oh the pension is serious money. Believe me. He would be worried indeed if he thought you'd clocked that one. (Some people don't - so accept far less than their entitlement to 'sort things amicably'.)

You have no need to be sorry. At the moment, what you're dealing with is, in essence, a bereavement - the man you loved, married and lived with has gone - except that instead of others supporting you through it, you have this irritating person buzzing around and harrassing you. And you're holding down a job all the time and being there for your DS.

You are doing so well.

PainInTheBum Tue 15-Oct-13 21:25:55

You've done nothing wrong so don't you dare be sorry! You sound so much stronger and you will get through this a stronger happier person, whereas he will always be a lying cheating shit and she'll always be worrying that he'll do the same to her.

I agree that he wants you pining, it is all about him and his ego. You are worth a million times more and he won't like it when you move on and you are!

If you don't feel like you can stand up to him on the phone then make all contact by email from now on. That's what he wanted after all, if he tries to call then have his number blocked. It sounds like a big step but it'll be easier for you as you only need to communicate when you feel up to it.

Shakes pom poms fails miserably at splits

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 21:31:49

He doesn't phone me, I get the very rare text or email asking if his post has arrived or telling me he's cutting off internet etc. It was me that phoned him Saturday night, I lost all my dignity. He emailed me the next day saying he's sorry I felt the need to call him as he imagines it didn't help me. He said he has some sense of how I'm feeling but wants limited contact until we can discuss practical issues sensibly and that his priority is stopping paying for bills that he has no benefit from.

He hates me, wants me wiped out of his life totally and I've done nothing wrong.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 21:37:33

You've done nothing wrong.

PainInTheBum Tue 15-Oct-13 21:41:23

You are better than him, so much better, decent people don't act in such a cruel and callous manner. He has something deeply wrong within him to act such a way and it is not your fault.

It sounds silly but when things got bad for me I kept a perfect piece of sea glass in my pocket, it was chucked away without a thought and while things were rough to begin with and it was thrown about a lot with a bit of time became a beautiful rare and precious gem. I liked having the reminder to hold in my hand that I would be whole again and it would just take some time and I'd get there. I can send you a nice piece from my collection if you like.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 21:43:28

I had put my Pom poms and hot pants away for the night.....( god whatnext, the sight of me in hot pants would make you laugh and cheer you up)....

BUT wanted to post to say please whatnext, don't feel you have to apologise for feeling down and being negative!!! Of course you are!! You've been let down badly, you're human, you loved him and you're sad. The rug had been pulled from under you- who wouldn't be feeling as you do???

Some people in rl may be fed up with you....news flash, they are in the wrong, not you!!!!!!! Try to lean on the rl people who aren'taking you feel this way. Allow yourself to grieve...as awful as it feels now, this process is like shedding a skin and you will emerge happier and stronger at the end. It is a process you need to go through, beating yourself up or worrying about negative wont help you. It's something you shouldn't be worrying about.

You also didn't lose your dignity on Saturday by phoning him. It's to be expected...if you were ringing 30 times a day, every day and turning up at his door in tears then I'd be agreeing on that score. But a phone call when you were extremely distraught and sad is understandable. It's happened, let it go.

However u feel with people in rl, don't apologise on here for being down, negative or sad. That's what we're here for. Whatnexts very own cheerleaders. We all want the best for you, so chin up girl and here's to another day/evening you've made it through. (Clinks glass of vino and puts down Pom poms)
Xx

itsmeisntit Tue 15-Oct-13 21:47:20

Yep he wants to wipe you out to absolve himself of the guilt he is feeling. He will be wanting to rewrite history.
Take your time. You have no need for divorce let him and the OW wait for 5 years, show that you cannot be erased from his life so easily.
Stay in the house as long as it suits you. January is a horrible month and there will be very little movement in the housing market. Put it up for sale when you want to and feel strong enough to do so.
Tell him nothing, when he makes all his demands let it wash over you, he cannot control you, do not comment at all and just go about things at your own pace.
Go for the jugular-you are entitled to a proportion of his pension and of any savings/shares/investments.
I have been lurking on this thread from the start and today can see an improvement in you-not a big one but the change is there.
Remember your H has been planing this for a while and is trying to get all his ducks lined up for the future. You are away behind him in all aspects of this. Every day you will get stronger and angrier and when you are ready the MN nest of vipers will help you wipe the floor with him.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Oct-13 21:48:24

Sorry - had to leave for a few minutes.

Your presence is a reminder to him of everything he was, What. He's busy with his new life, stomach pulled in and skin likely newly bronzed, and you would force him to see reality. So you can see why he would want to limit contact.

Ignore him from now on - apart from practicalities and matters to do with your DS. Do not phone him, just email if necessary - and let your solicitor do most of that unless your input is critical. As I said, your former husband is really gone. Your focus now can be on yourself.

BigWoooooo Tue 15-Oct-13 21:59:52

You are doing so well. Feel down if you need to, it's ok. You'll feel stronger again tomorrow.

<dons hot pants>

But know one thing. You have done nothing bad here. Sorry, did your feelings inconvenience him slightly? I don't normally swear on here, but fuck him. blush

BigWoooooo Tue 15-Oct-13 22:01:00

Also all the less sweaty practical advice above blush

BigWoooooo Tue 15-Oct-13 22:01:25

*sweary

Damn phone.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 15-Oct-13 22:05:12

Yes, yes to everything posters are saying...

He cannot erase you whatnext. As I said earlier today, actually you have the strongest position here. Leave him hanging. He'll be dying to know what you're planning and when you might file for divorce. As big wooo says...fuck him. Keep your cards close to your chest and tell him nothing. You are in control here.

Jarlin Tue 15-Oct-13 22:22:03

Another cheerleader here (although in PJ's now!)

Please do not apologise for feeling so sad. People have a choice to opt out of reading/posting if they wish!

I told exDH that if he wanted a quick divorce, he could pay my solicitors fee's as well as his. He earns far more than me and had chosen to opt out of the marriage. If he didn't agree he could wait five years.
He soon coughed up hmm

And whilst he was feeling guilty, I got him to sign the house over to me too smile

Don't make it easy for him what. And definitely get a share of his pension.

11 years on, I still have my married surname which used to really annoy OW (now his DW). Hopefully it still does.

Whatnext074 Tue 15-Oct-13 23:26:31

Jarlin - not sure if you'll come back on my thread but did you go through solicitor to get % of his pension or did he just agree to it? Do you know if you only get a % up until the time they left?

mammadiggingdeep - I will try and keep my cards close to my chest. All the advice I have been given is good advice.

I only wish I had the opportunity to make him wonder what my next move is but I know that's not healthy for me - I just wonder all the time if he's thinking of me as we were so close always but I know he doesn't think of me, he's just relieved it's over, he told me that. I also know me thinking of him every minute isn't healthy. I want to be strong but maybe tiredness etc isn't helping.

Jux Tue 15-Oct-13 23:30:05

It's a massive act of betrayal and you are reeling, still on shock and mourning what-should-have-been.

He is an arsewipe and a fuckwit.

Take your time. Don't make any big decisions at the moment. Play the waiting game with him.

There will come a time when you will be coping, then a time when you will suddenly realise that you are OK, happy even. One step at a time. You will get there. Don't push yourself.

Be kind - you deserve kindness, give it to yourself.

Do one nice thing for yourself every day. Get new bedding. Move some furniture around, rearrange a room. Watch a film and eat pizza on the sofa. Anything. Feel what you feel and don't be ashamed or embarrassed. He did it. Youdidn't. But you can make a great life for yourself, and you will.

itsmeisntit Tue 15-Oct-13 23:37:01

You will have that opportunity Whatnext at some point in the future. Take some control back-do not contact him at all by text. Use email only. You do not need to reply to his demands immediately, keep him guessing. When you're tired your judgment is clouded and coping mechanism is weak. What you need is a good sleep then you will have more strength to face things.
Think of it if you can that your H has died, grieve for the man and the relationship that was because that man no longer exists. The man that exists is not the man you married-he is gone never to return.
You will be strong again. The best revenge is to live well, not to be broken and weak by his actions but to rise again from the ashes of your relationship like a phoenix--ready to face the world.

Sorry getting a bit carried away, think l better get off to bed blush

Jarlin Tue 15-Oct-13 23:39:39

what

I didn't go for any of his pension as I have my own (decent one) and it was more important for me to get the house signed over.
I knew I would never have been in a position to buy him out.

You have to do what's best for you, but others have said - there's no hurry.
Just concentrate on getting through each day at the moment.

CCTVmum Tue 15-Oct-13 23:51:42

glad you got thought other night what

I have an Ikea heart cushion with arms I hug when need one as ds doesnt like hugs re Autism sensory to touch. I was left at 5 months pregnant so not much history but very vuln and thought I was going to die with the pain/panic attacks not knowing how I would cope with labour/ new baby etc.

But my ds has been my rock my special rock and has given me strength to get through hard times esp when ds regressed and didnt talk for years and had to give work up to help him.

He used to hit ds and tried to frighten us to death with fake petrol bomb and kicking front door etc

I am back in work and ds in school now 2 yrs! Life is great and I Know life would gave been awful if he had stayed! I am moving hopefully aoon for fresh start.

I would not suggest moving now but when you are stronger ADs take 2-3 months to work btw so hang on in their!

Unlikely (hugs) so thrilled to read how things are good sending smile vibes to you and ds you truely are an insperation! Please PLEASEwrite a book on your life...You need to share your experiences, courage and fight throughout each mountain you have had to face!

NotScared Wed 16-Oct-13 00:00:27

Just popping in to wish you well. You'll get stronger as the days go on. One day you'll look back and see how very cold he really is being. And then the anger will begin.

Take care and best wishes with your decisions. Be strong thanks

Whatnext074 Wed 16-Oct-13 00:01:32

I did say to my DB that I should write a book. My DB said I have been through worse but the difference is I actually felt so safe with my H and thought for once there was a man who loved me completely and would never hurt me.

Thank you for all your support, you all really helped me on Saturday night, I tried everything and in the end I didn't care as nothing was working - the Samaritan yawning and repeatedly saying, "what do you want to do then" nearly finished me. I have never felt so low and do feel like I am going backwards - perhaps today I am a tiny bit stronger. The physical pain and burning skin really, really brings me down. I just miss him but know he's not the man I loved for all those years.

NotScared Wed 16-Oct-13 00:03:10

I'd put a complaint in about the Samaritan.

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 00:14:23

Good night whatnext another day over. You have come a long long way since 'black Saturday'. You're going good. Night x

cozietoesie Wed 16-Oct-13 00:29:57

Oh I think you're stronger. You might not be able to see it for yourself but your posts are showing it a bit. Still a ways to go of course - but you're doing better so far.

SlangKing Wed 16-Oct-13 02:09:08

Yeah, big improvement from 40 or so hours ago. To add to cereals - when I have no appetite I can usually manage to sink some pot/flavoured noodles. They're hot, require little or no chewing and are filling enough. They also only cost 40p - £1.50 so there's no small guilt in throwing them away like you might get with a ready-meal.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 16-Oct-13 07:20:44

Morning whatnext...hope you had an ok nights sleep and are ok.
Go with the roller coaster...get through the day. Be kind to yourself. I'll check in later to see how you're doing.
Hugs x

Jux Wed 16-Oct-13 08:26:04

If you are finding it hard to eat, have a banana. They are easy to eat and really nutritious. (Apology in advance: I say this a lot!) When my mum was ill and couldn't eat/swallow, our gp told her to liquidise a banana with some milk and icecream, and have at least one of those a day. It will really help if you can't eat properly for a while.

captainmummy Wed 16-Oct-13 08:39:27

Whatnext - i don't think your solicitor is cheap. I went through a local firm for my divorce; it cost about £1500 (we split costs). He (exdh) is a high-earner - I got Spousal Maintenance (a % of take home), child maintenance (17%) and 50% of pensions to date - tho I was a SAHM for 20 years and had no pension. Oh and I got 50% of the house too, so It was not a quickie divorce!

If he is a good earner, he should be paying maintenance to you. BUT - if you don't want to divorce, there is nothing he can do. If he wants to divorce, he has to meet your terms, otherwise he will have to wait 5 years (withyout your consent) or 2 years (with your consent). You DO hold a few cards here, OP. Get him to agree Sky/broadband, maintenance, etc and you might think about divorce (if he pays) grin

cozietoesie Wed 16-Oct-13 08:56:24

To go towards faster improvements, What, I'd suggest some changes to your daily routine and living arrangements that have nothing to do with him. (To contribute to you feeling like an individual again.)

For example, decorating and moving furniture around are good but if they're beyond you right now, something simple like - say- instead of drinking a coffee and eating a snack in the morning as you've always done, leave the house the minute you're ready and then, if you have a little cafe near work, pop in there for a coffee and croissant for quarter of an hour before work.

That's only a silly example (and may bear no relation to your daily life) but you'll be able to think of some things. Basically, just rearranging your typical daily life to be about you and not to reflect past habits which might cause you some pain.

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 09:19:57

Morning WHAT. I was advised - and it was worth it - to pay a bit more per hour for solicitor and then you end up paying less because they do it all right the first time!

NotScared Wed 16-Oct-13 13:52:47

How are you today?

Whatnext074 Wed 16-Oct-13 17:26:49

I am terrible today, cried most of the day at work. I have such a pain and burning all over. I think about him every minute of the day. I know I shouldn't be at work, it's no distraction but what else would I do? The sleep is a real problem and I know it's not helping.

I miss him so much and I'm ashamed of that, I know I'm repeating myself but I can't seem to move on. I am so utterly sad all the time. I've never felt pain like this. I shouldn't have looked OW up, her photos are etched in my brain now. I should have just left it that she was older than me and a hairy German woman. I shouldn't have looked.

I can't come to terms with this. I don't know how to help myself. I've had really good advice on here and I am so grateful for all of it but I can't move on.

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 17:42:29

My h ow is same age as me but hasn't worn so wellsmile so not sure hairy german would have helped!!!
You really really will move on from this and although you really are feeling that you are not moving you are!!!
Why don't you try not to worry about what you will do if you don't work? try not going to work and see wht you do? you will get fed up with being miserable - our good moods always end and our low moods always lift as well.
Cryings ok I think its better than not feeling anything, the only trouble is its exhausting.

rainbowfeet Wed 16-Oct-13 18:02:56

Op... The devastation & heartbreak coming from your posts has moved me so much that I wanted to say. .. Sending you love thanks & positive thoughts! I have no experience in an unfaithful partner but have been through a marriage breakdown, I can promise you with time things will get better. The pain will ease & maybe give way to new emotions. Don't let this arse of a 'man' destroy you. Take each day as it comes & I'm sure before you know it you will have the strength to look forward. ((Hug)) x

itwillgetbettersoon Wed 16-Oct-13 18:27:24

Don't worry about crying at work - your colleagues will understand. I think I cried at work every day for 6 mths and I had a young lad opposite me - he just kept his head down and didn't say anything - best really - must have been like having his mum crying smile

Even yesterday 18 mths later I cried at work but I hope I was a little more discrete - Twunt sent me an email which in itself doesn't make me cry it was just the way he worded something which was totally erasing me further from his life.

You are getting stronger every day. You will need professional advice regarding pensions as they are not straightforward and depends on type of pension, lump sums etc. a solicitor will advise.

Keep talking on here. I didn't know about MN 18 mths ago but I have found it so helpful about everything.

Have you treated yourself to something today? You deserve it. Xx

cozietoesie Wed 16-Oct-13 18:31:03

Don't worry about crying at all in fact. You'll find one day that you haven't cried since you got up and know in yourself that you're coming through. (We've most of us been there.)

How is your DS doing?

Putitonthelist Wed 16-Oct-13 18:40:03

(((Hugs)) OP. I can remember standing in the shower every morning crying. Although I still have my down days 8 months on, I would never waste tears like that on him again and you will get to that point too.

You will move on, you just can't imagine it at this moment in time because it's still so raw. You are going through a grieving process and this is the hardest part x

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 19:19:28

OP I am still crying too... Our traumas came at the same time. I just let them come... Yes it can embarrassing at work (not sure if people actually notice that their postie is in bits) but the tears usually pass and you move to another fed up moment. But it does pass. Apart from work- what you doing to break up the days? Is there anyone who could come over and sit with you and share some biscuits and let you cry. How about you ask your DS if you can to something together on Saturday... Even if its a DVD on the afternoon, whack on the heating and enjoy his company. He sounds lovely. Has your DH's family been in touch ? I bet they're mortified no?

Whatnext074 Wed 16-Oct-13 19:39:31

Only a few people at work know and in my team, only my manager. People know I'm not right and just leave me to it. I feel so alone.

My MIL and FIL spoke to me when I first found out and said I had no right to read his diary, said he was doing nothing wrong as he told me our marriage was over and he deserved to be happy with OW as he wasn't happy with me. Said he was "noble and brave" - I will never speak to them again.

His DB spoke to me last week and said he has no time for him and is disgusted with what he's done. My H had emailed him to 'explain' and also to say that he wants his family to welcome the OW as he was happy with her. I am so heartbroken.

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 19:44:42

My H takes OW to family weddings, christenings, birthdays etc and all of his siblings and nieces and nephews know my dcs won't go. They have all effectively accepted 'them' over their blood relatives - My dd is so upset, it breaks my heart.

I also had a weekend away not long after with dd and dgcs at the seaside and poor nannie(Me) had wind in her eyes nearly all weekend! It seemed to be full of couples my age walking around holding hands!!

NotScared Wed 16-Oct-13 19:59:01

Bloody hell your well rid of your exILS. Wonder where your exH gets his charm skills from? hmm

At least DBIL sounds normal and supportive?

You choose who you want to tell in RL. We're always here for you chick x

cozietoesie Wed 16-Oct-13 20:10:47

You are absolutely well rid of your exILs. What a shower.

I wouldn't take the attitude of co-workers amiss. They'll be leaving you to it out of kindness not out of unconcern. It's actually no bad thing because you'll likely feel as if you're missing a couple of layers of skin for a bit - and having co-workers enquiring after you all the time might just feel a bit cloying.

itwillgetbettersoon Wed 16-Oct-13 20:21:45

Yes I agree about co workers they are not being unkind but being discrete. Your Inlaws sound awful - well rid I think.

Your Son sounds lovely. Can you go out for a meal with him or order beers And pizzas? X

Whatnext074 Wed 16-Oct-13 21:51:49

I'm afraid I'm not very good at going out at the moment, I force myself to but then am so utterly sad as there is something missing. I miss my wonderful married life - I can't help it, I feel so tormented.

My DS comes home most weekends but I encourage him to go out with his friends as he needs a release too. It's too intense and he's had to deal with a lot of grief too. He said it breaks his heart to see my pale face and see me shaking - I never wanted him to witness that. He said he can't help me, he said nobody can. He wants me to get better.

I used to always be able to put a front on during hard times, I can't this time, I can't hide it.

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 21:58:09

will it help if I tell you that the way you feel now is temporary? That you will (quite soon) feel so different. You will be strong,vibrant and you will be a person who feels 'at home' when out on her own?

Can you take in any of that?

Whatnext074 Wed 16-Oct-13 22:06:16

I hear what you're saying cjel but I can't ever imagine it now. I am and have been independent but I just miss him so much. I never took our love for granted. With all the little ones we've lost, I've realised how short and unexpected life can be and my biggest fear was that he would die but this is worse, if he had passed away, I would know he still loved me and would have our happy memories. The fact he is still living, creating a new life and new memories with OW is so painful.

It just feels unreal - never imagined pain like this. I'm sorry, I appreciate all your advice and am trying to hold on.

cozietoesie Wed 16-Oct-13 22:15:44

Actually you are holding on. It hurts like hell but you're keeping on going - even managing to go into work.

You are doing so well, What, even though it doesn't feel like it.

namechangeforareasonablereason Wed 16-Oct-13 22:19:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Here to shake a pom pom for you. Take it slowly - its only been 4, 5 weeks, its no time at all. Its an earthquake that is still shaking. Really good idea not to run or be bulldozed into any quick decisions about anything. Take it at your pace. And I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through.

namechangeforareasonablereason Wed 16-Oct-13 22:22:21

Cross post - I used to think no-one could ever live through pain like I was feeling, I still to this day didn't know a human being could experience that level of pain and grief.

I ended up letting myself roll with my feelings, one day, I was so angry I could have taken the house apart, brick by brick.

It does ease, eventually, it does get better, my doctor diagnosed reactional depression, google told me 6 months, and it was right, actual depression and stress - but manageable remained.

Baby steps, thats all you can take at the moment, baby, baby steps, just think about the next 5 minutes, and then congratulate yourself that you survived them, you don't need to think about tomorrow yet.

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 22:44:35

Don't apologise to me WHAT, I thought it was probably too soon for you to be able to take it in. I can only say that as every day goes past you are holding on- you are moving forward ,You feel so desolate and pained and you can't hurry through . Name explains it well, It is unimaginable that anyone has ever hurt so badly, I can remember the pain in my chest was overwhelming and I didn't want to open my eyes and face another day but every day I did, the day happened and some parts of it began not to hurt, those parts got longer and longer and I haven't felt the deep pain for months and months.
I didn't understand the concept of baby steps at the time I felt I 'should'have always been further along than I was. As NAME said when you think of every minute you succeeded instead of everything you feel you should be doing you will be more able to be pleased with yourself.

Whatnext074 Wed 16-Oct-13 22:54:55

Name - I am in awe at your strength, what a terrible, terrible thing to happen to you and your family. I thank you for sharing with me and you can delete your post now xx

cjel and others - thank you for your continued support and confidence building. I am so negative at the moment but I am taking it all in and I am overwhelmed by the kind words by strangers.

cjel Wed 16-Oct-13 22:57:32

If we say it often enough you will start to be able to take it insmile

namechangeforareasonablereason Wed 16-Oct-13 23:05:30

I also agree a lot with the poster who said move things around and redecorate.

The very first thing I did, literally the next morning, was throw away all my bedding, go to TK Maxx and buy new pillows, new duvet and new covers, sheets and pillow cases - I say TK Maxx because the quality is lovely, while the price tag is affordable.

I then repainted (well my lovely mum did) and changed the curtains in the living room (charity shop I love you) and put new ornaments and pictures in there.

I made it feel different (it took me a month to leave my bedroom after I had bought all the new bedding, but I felt safe and comfortable in it with my Egyptian Cotton Sheets and my new feather duvet).

Treat yourself to something every day, even if it is your favourite chocolate bar or coffee, I watched the whole of Game of Thrones and Tudors in a few days, anything to distract and divert my brain.

Word games helped me - I lost my self in bubble witch. There will be things you can use to distract you - but only you know what they are x

springybiffy Wed 16-Oct-13 23:05:54

Darling, if you had a bad car accident and were badly injured, you wouldn't be beating yourself up to 'move on'. imo this is no different, it's going to take time to heal. It's mad to think you should be 'moving on' now, so early after this appalling shock. YOu can't possibly expect to be 'moving on' at this stage.

I get it that your parents are probably fuelling the idea that you should be 'moving on'. I've written the following a few times, then deleted it before posting, but ime of my toxic family, it was times of intense crisis that brought out what they are really about; almost as though the fire of the crisis boiled up the scum to the surface. Try to ignore your parents. I know it's not easy (I also experienced the double betrayal of the original crisis plus betrayal by my family. I thought I was going mad - I probably did go mad for a bit..) but please take it from every poster on your threads that your parents' approach is the direct opposite of what you need. They are talking bollocks, in short.

It's not easy to let go and allow yourself to be broken... but you actually are broken, so trying not to be broken is counterproductive. Just as physical injury takes time and tlc, same with emotional injury. Being broken is not the end - though it certainly feels like it, it isn't. There is life after brokenness, though you can't imagine it now. (I'd go so far as to say it is better than life before being broken, but I don't think you'll believe me at this point.) xx

namechangeforareasonablereason Wed 16-Oct-13 23:09:22

When people used to tell me to "move on" I just to have to restrain myself from physically assaulting them, you cannot move on just like that, first you have to grieve and come to acceptance.

Zhx3 Wed 16-Oct-13 23:18:14

You're doing really well whatnext - keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I shared a blog post at work the other day - your colleagues are more likely quietly concerned but not knowing what to do, than unmoved by the sight of you crying.

What to Do When an Employee Cries at Work. It's a thoughtful article, I think.

You sound well shot of your exILs - FFS "noble and brave" hmm. More like a selfish tosspot.

Can you write a list of the things he did that annoyed you? Dig deep, there should be something! Did he leave his dirty dishes on top of the dishwasher, or let the laundry basket overflow?

NotScared Wed 16-Oct-13 23:23:08

Can you and your ds do something fun together when he's home? Even if you have to paint on a smile, the smile may become real?

redundantandbitter Wed 16-Oct-13 23:27:48

Good night whatnext I hope your sleeping is improving a little. It's exhausting being so bloody upset and you need a bit of respite. Another day over. Well done !

Whatnext074 Wed 16-Oct-13 23:48:56

Zhx3 - the only thing that annoyed me was that he didn't brush his tongue when cleaning his teeth as he smokes, stupid that it annoyed me and yet I couldn't tell him for fear of upsetting him. We shared all the chores, he rubbed my feet when I had a migraine (was the only thing that calmed me down), he stroked my hair when I had a nightmare until I went back to sleep, he even cut my meat up (I have arthritis in my hands). We loved and cared for each other. That's the shock. I wish he annoyed me more, it all happened so quickly, so out of character.

NotScared - I am spending the weekend with my DS this weekend - and my family. I hope I don't get lectures, I can't take it. I will try to smile. I can't remember when I last did, my eyes look dead, no spark. It's not me, it's not nice to see.

redundantandbitter - yes, another day done - 'night.

Thanks all for caring x

Lifeisforlivingkatie Thu 17-Oct-13 00:36:09

He iris a loser, you will be better soon. Put some music on

lifehasafunnywayofhelpinguout Thu 17-Oct-13 00:50:34

Exactly the reason why I have not will never never never never never, erm did I remember to say never have a face book account. I fully agree with Babylon Returns.
Look at it this way though O.W can wallow and gloat as much as she likes but she can't take away the time you had together. xxx

IroningBored Thu 17-Oct-13 01:23:55

I've only just seen and read all your entries.

I feel I need to say STOP.
There is no need to consult solicitors at this stage.
Let life calm down before you do anything about a divorce.
Do not spend money you don't have.

Listen to CaptainMummy above, having being there myself, everything she is telling you is correct

Hi When

I just wanted to comment on the people that want you to move along and get over things before you have even had the change to digest what has happened. This happened to me and I found it staggering. But with a bit of distance (a few years) I can now see that it is driven by:

- the fact its hard for many people to see others in pain. they want to fix things and they genuinely want you to be 'better'. Raw emotion and pain is confronting for many. Its akin to those who have suffered a bereavement - many people cross the street as they don't want to confront or they don't know what to say...most of the times it comes from a good place but it can be very painful to hear when one is struggling to even get out of bad. I think it also comes from people who have never faced sudden trauma in their lives. Quite simply they don't get it.

I certainly found it offensive when people would say similar (and in my head think do you think so little of your own marriage that you would move on in weeks?) but I do now see that in addition to the above it does strike a bit of a primal fear in others than maybe just maybe it could happen to them too and that is also not a comfortable place to be in.

A friend who as been going through an illness, wrote to me about the fact she felt pressure to 'be ok now' as she had been through quite radical surgery and technically 'out of danger' but coming to terms with shock diagnosis and surgery. This was about illness, not divorce but based on my experience....

People want the Julia Roberts movie version of things. The plucky young woman, facing illness with wit and bravery, inspiring others along the way, looking beautiful if a little wan in cashmere whilst they do it and going onto write a bestselling book along the way. They want things to come of bad things in the instant. And I hope that movie happens for you. And it likely will, or at least part of it. But no-one wants to really take on board the bit that the movie skims over that involves long-shots of Julia struggling as the seasons change before finally she is running along the beach. That is not a movie people want to watch unless they are Swedish.

IMHO you feel what you feel until you don't feel it at all or it morphs into something different.....impossible to believe in the eye of the storm that the adrenalin plunging down lift shaft feeling will ever subside....

Huge love
Dolly x

springybiffy Thu 17-Oct-13 08:42:08

great post dolly flowers

I am just so concerned that you are considering spending the weekend with your family. Talk about walking into the lion's den sad

captainmummy Thu 17-Oct-13 09:06:42

Springy - almost as though the fire of the crisis boiled up the scum to the surface. - what a great quote. grin

Whatnext - if you go to your family this weekend, please make sure they know that you are not going to talk about it. You don't want judging, or shaken out of it, or accused of bringing the atmosphere down- you just want your mind occupied, your body fed and your soul relaxed.

BlueSkySunnyDay Thu 17-Oct-13 09:48:31

Well as his priority is "stopping paying for bills that he has no benefit from" next time he brings up you starting a divorce i'd be tempted to say "I cant see any point - its a big expense and of no benefit to me " If they have to wait the 5 years then they do.

You will have good days and bad days, it takes a while, I know its hard to believe but, your family need you , so you will get there. As long as your are not phoning him constantly and standing by his car in the street I don't think that one call is you being undignified at all - in fact id go as far as to say it's normal

If you are feeling "off" but need to focus you could try doing what I do when I have thoughts I don't like (it sounds crazy) but I have a "broom" in my head and I sweep them away and deliberately replace them with something else. It took a while but now if I start fretting over something I can do nothing about I can move on really quickly rather than brewing and stewing.

His parents sound like arses so id be glad to be shot of them wink

cjel Thu 17-Oct-13 11:18:10

Morning, What a lovely post Dolly. Can you practice thinking of us when you are at families and try and pick a couple of quotes from here to have in your head if they start. Agree to not discussing your situation with them, think of things you will feel 'safe' talking about and always bring subject back to them?

How are you this morning?

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 12:45:03

Thank you Dolly and to all who are caring for me here.

I am at work, on lunch and I feel dreadful. I went to phone my GP as I know I shouldn't be here but stopped as I thought my family and my DS would not understand me taking time off. A friend said to me yesterday that they want me to stay at work because that's 8 hours a day when they know where I am and what I'm doing and mixing with people but it's so terribly hard. I have pains all the time and am so upset.

It's an event for my DS at the weekend so I have to go and I know I will get told how I should be now by some but my DBs and SILs are very supportive. I will try and hold it together.

Nearly 5 weeks on and I am still in disbelief! I catch myself shaking my head sometimes. I wish I hated him, I wish I didn't think of him every passing minute.

I had a dream last night when I finally slept about him having an affair and it was so real but in my dream I told myself it was just a dream. I woke up and remembered it was real and feel devastated all over again.

captainmummy Thu 17-Oct-13 13:51:03

Your family and DS would not understand why you are not at work? Really? First off - what is it to do with them how you feel? And secondly - you feel how you feel! End of. They don't need to understand. No-one can tell you what you should be feeling, or doing, or anything - this is intensely, subjectively personal to you! No-one else's business, and if they can't be supportive of whatever you are feeling or doing, the best thing they can do is leave you alone. Stop justifying your actions to them.

Have you seen the GP? (I can't rememebr, sorry) You should have ADs and sleeping aids.

And you will hate him, eventually. He is a selfish, arrogant, mean and spiteful man. Hateful and hate-worthy.

susanalbumparty Thu 17-Oct-13 14:06:35

Hi What. I understand how being at work can be a distraction but if you are finding it tough and if you are not sleeping at night you end up running your batteries right down. Why not consider just taking a week off work, that way you can self-certify (no fit note needed).

If you are seeing your GP why not ask for something to help with sleep during that week. I am usually averse to sleeping pills but have recently gone through a period of insomnia and found that a 7 day course of Promethazine really helped. It's an antihistamine rather than a traditional sleeping pill and it doesn't knock you out immediately but I found it helped me to stay asleep through the night without waking up at 4am and feeling anxious and panicked. It was also easy to stop taking these without any rebound.

If you can give yourself a small break to catch up with sleep it might help you to feel physically stronger which In turn can help you emotionally/mentally. You don't have to sit at home all day, you should try to fit in some activity and exercise. A walk, a swim, a massage, a manicure etc. Meet friends for lunch if you can or go arrange a visit to the cinema or a museum.

Can your GP recommend a counsellor? It does sound like you need to talk through your feelings to somebody impartial and supportive.

cjel Thu 17-Oct-13 14:10:32

Captain. OP does not have to hate!!

captainmummy Thu 17-Oct-13 14:47:53

Cjel - OK. I would, but I am like that! Indifference, then? Actually I think that's worse, but OK. No feelings at all would be preferable. How do you feel about your ex now, cjel? I rememebr being on your thread (actually I think sadKarens thread...)

And I stand by him being spiteful etc.

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 16:42:41

I have been on ADs for 6 weeks. My GP reluctantly gave me a few sleeping tablets last week but I haven't taken one yet as I need a clear day the next day to sleep in or feel groggy. Herbal tablets weren't working.

You are right though, nobody else in my circle is going through this, our marriage was so personal to us. He's destroying me and it hurts that he wants no contact. I know it's the best but wish that was my decision and not him just not wanting to see the destruction he's left behind.

I can't believe this is happening. Have awful thoughts all the time. The pain has to end, I beg people to tell me when it will, it's just unbearable. I can't cope.

mrsmciver Thu 17-Oct-13 17:15:47

Hello What,

Please believe me when I say it does get a little easier. My husband left me 6 months ago and I was bereft and devastated. I loved him so much and had been with him since I was 15 years old, and am now 47. I was suicidal too. Lots of the posters on here helped a lot to get me through. It just takes time, you won't want to hear that, but it is true. You will need to lean on good friends and family(not your parents), to guide you and help you now. Eventually you will get that anger, we all do, and that is what will get you through and help you fight him. You have to fight him now for your financial future. You will get there, I promise you. Downunderdolly has such fantastic advice, please listen to her. I remember she said one thing to me that stuck in my brain. She said that she heard of a man who left his wife, they had young children, and she committed suicide. The young children grew up, but they had been affected badly by their mother's death. And they now had children of their own, but look at all the things that woman missed out on, lovely family events, her new grandchildren, and even the chance to love again. A life lost that should not have been. I have been holding onto that, that got me through many a hour. Please look ahead to when you may have grandchildren. I love my little granddaughter so much now, she is my little light. And to think I may never have seen her. One day you will see your grandchildren too, you have a future What, you may not think you have but you do.xxx
I hope I have done that justice Downunderdolly, it really stayed with me and I will always be grateful for you telling me that. I think it saved my life. xxx

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 17:21:06

Oh God, that has really hit home. I am ashamed of my feelings, I am. I will hold onto your advice and hope I can get through this. I never even thought of grandchildren or even my DS getting married. I know I need to get better xx

skyeskyeskye Thu 17-Oct-13 17:23:48

mrsmciver so lovely to see you on here giving advice to others thanks

Longtallsally Thu 17-Oct-13 17:32:30

'It hurts that he wants no contact. I know it's the best but wish that was my decision and not him '. I think that that is a really important point Whatnext. As well as all of the other damage he has done, it feels as if he has taken away control from you - you cannot control what he is doing, and it feels as if you have no control over your life at the moment.

When you find things that you can take control of, you will start to feel more yourself. You have had awful things happen to you in the past over which you have also had no control - what he has done is to take you back to those feelings of helplessness, at the most painful times of your life. Previously he was there to help you, but now he has dumped you back there, on your own, with no preparation.

A counsellor would advise you how to cope with the feelings you are dealing with. Was there any bereavement counselling after losing your little ones? Or counselling after the robbery in your flat? Expressing, and having chance again to deal with, the sense of helplessness that those events made you feel at the time, may help you now too. You are not helpless, but you feel so, feel stuck in a rut which is not of your own chosing.

If you can't get counselling posting on MN, and addressing the issues will help you to recover, step by step, in your own time. But it's no use anyone trying to hurry you forward. You have an inner you, who has been very hurt in the past. She needs care and love and hugs - you can do that. You can address the hurt in your past and move forward into a brighter future with your ds.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 17-Oct-13 17:39:44

I have been lurking on your thread, and just wanted to say I am so sorry this has happened to you.
A small thing, but it might help you a bit, is to at night to stop your brain going over and over this terrible situation, get yourself some well written gripping stories to listen to on audio book (from the library on cd), or if you've got an ipod you can download them onto that.
At first you might have to train yourself a bit to stay focussed on the story and not let your mind wander off on to all the awful stuff going on, but stay with it, it does work (it has seen me through imense stress), and I would thoroughly recommend you trying it.

cjel Thu 17-Oct-13 17:56:38

Captainmummy, Lovely to catch up, I am doing well thanks,Yes my H was all of the above(and more) and I don't know why I don't feel anger and hatred. I feel love towards him still, but don't really think about him that often any more tbhsmile . I know that some people have to hate and get angry to move forward but just wanted to share that it isn't compulsary!!!

Great to see you doing so well MrsMciver, its so nice to hear.

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:53:04

Longtallsally - I had 6 sessions of counselling with work but that ended 2 weeks ago. My GP is trying to get me an urgent appointment on the NHS. I did have counselling after the robbery but as I had PTSD, I couldn't go out for 2 years on my own (even with a baby) and so I couldn't make every appointment so I pulled myself out of it as best I could and concentrated on my DS.

I was going to have appointments with Cruse after our lost little ones but the waiting list was 12 weeks and again, I tried to pull myself out of it with the support of my H.

Really bad things happen to me, I'm sorry to be so negative but my H is right - there's always a drama in my life, even though they are out of my control. He didn't want to stay around for another drama, he had that choice, I don't. I've tried to pick myself up so many times and I'm tired of it.

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 18:54:59

Keepcool - thank you, maybe I can do that in time but even listening to hypnosis on my ipod isn't working. Nothing on tv goes in, but I might try your advice when my head is a little clearer.

cozietoesie Thu 17-Oct-13 19:15:18

You sound tired overall, actually. Have you managed any decent sleep in the last few days?

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 19:19:05

No cozie - some broken sleep. Last night's dream shook me up. I have no respite from it. I'm just a mess I'm afraid.

cozietoesie Thu 17-Oct-13 19:28:31

I think you need some - even if it's chemically assisted. Could you take - say - Monday off and try a pill the night before?

How's your annual leave allowance if you don't want to take a sick day?

Whatnext074 Thu 17-Oct-13 19:37:53

I was thinking of that today but just didn't have the confidence to ask my manager so I left it. I had booked some time off next year for my 40th as we were going back to our honeymoon place but I suppose I could cancel my leave then and use it now.

cjel Thu 17-Oct-13 19:48:28

I'd see if you could get signed off sick before wasting holiday, You are stressed and not sleeping, visit gp first. You will want your holiday to get away when you feel better.x

cozietoesie Thu 17-Oct-13 19:49:53

I think I would. And if you have a weekend with family coming up, it will be good knowing you can dive back home and into bed with a pill afterwards. It might help your body to get back into a rhythm - won't fix it but might just assist a bit in starting the process.

If you're antsy about approaching your manager, why not do it by a note? You could write it tonight and leaving it on their desk tomorrow. Annual leave is annual leave after all, even at short notice - and nothing to have to explain to anyone if you don't want to.

Leverette Thu 17-Oct-13 20:10:15

(((Hugs))) to you dear girl. It really is all about basic survival in these first few weeks and months, and knowing that some days will seem marginally less dark than others, until you realise that things are tentatively and cautiously not as desperately awful as they were. Then your hope and belief can really build as you start to trust that you are healing and moving forward even microscopically.

On a practical level, the original Piriton hayfever tablets (not the non-drowsy ones) give most people a really good night's sleep (lots of nurses take them to ensure sleep after night shifts). They are non addictive unlike some prescribed sleeping meds; worth a try.

mrsmciver Thu 17-Oct-13 20:10:35

Don't feel ashamed of your feelings * What.*
You feel bereft, devastated, abandoned and scared sick of the future. And no wonder. You have a right to feel any way you want, so do not apologise for that. I just wanted you to know that many of us on here have felt the way you do, and that's ok. We are all human, we feel, we think, we love. You love your husband very much too. You trusted him with your heart and your soul, no wonder that you feel inconsolable.
The pain will lessen, very slightly and very gradually through time.
You really need to see your GP to get some time off work. I know someone whose husband left her and she didn't get out of bed for 6 months, and that was ok too.