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Should I believe my husband?(163 Posts)
I have been married for 10 years and have never had reason to doubt my husband but the last few days I have been feeling uneasy about something.
The other day I noticed his phone wasn't where he always leaves it on the side and I after that it wasn't there again any day. I saw it charging at night in the bedroom, which is where it always is as he uses it for an alarm. For some reason I just felt something wasn't right so this evening I looked in his coat pocket and there was the phone so I had a look at it. He had a password on, which he doesn't normally have but as he has just downloaded the new iphone software I thought maybe it automatically put a pin code on. Anyway I guessed the pin correctly (the one we always use for things) and I had a look at his messages.
There were about 6 messages from a woman he works with, saying how much she wanted him, missed him etc. although no replies from him. I hid the phone while I tried to calm down and he went looking for it and when he asked if I had seen it I told him I would give it back but he had a lot of explaining to do. I looked at his expression and he didn't look guilty but he must have known what I had found.
So I confronted him with the messages and he said she kept sending messages but that he ignored them. He said she was crazy, but of course he would say that whatever. He asked why I looked at his phone and I said I was suspicious because he had been hiding it. He said he hadn't hidden it. I asked why he had a pin number, he said if he had wanted to keep it private why would he have used our usual pin number and he said why would he be so stupid as to keep the messages.
He has said he is trying to get her to leave, he has told her to get a new job (she is a temp) but he said she acts perfectly normal at work but just sends messages and he ignores her.
I just don't know what to believe. I want to believe him and he seems so genuine but how can I not have a doubt in my mind.
What should I do?
I have told him to tell me if the messages continue and I have said he needs to get rid of her as soon as he can, both of which he has agreed.
Should I believe him...?
If she's a temp - why has she got his mobile number?
Pin....that came with the upgrade.
Now that it's out in the open I would say "well you won't mind me checking the phone bill then will you"
You will see immediately if he has been texting her. Won't give you the content but the number of texts may well tell a story!
I actually would give him the benefit of the doubt, double check phone bill just to double check but yes I would be inclined to take his side.
He has her phone number because he is the manager and she works for him.
He has told me he will leave the phone out and I can check when I want. I can also check the bill online so I may do that just to double check..
Honestly? It sounds like a lie. If you were him and you wanted to lie what would you say that would sound remotely plausible?
She's crazy - tick
He hasn't texted back - tick
He ignored her messages - tick
She doesn't do it at work - tick
What else could he say without incriminating himself.
I take it he hasn't put a new passcode on the phone?
Yes, definitely check the phone bill.
Could be. Telling the truth.....he used your usual pin and didnt reply...
If she's a temp and he manages her, he can call the agency and replace her.
If he's her manager and she works for him, he should follow procedure and make sure he has documented this and asked her to stop.
This sounds suspicious, it would depend on the time frame I guess.
Over what period of time has she sent the messages?
If he was really serious about it, he'd fire her surely?
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt, I'd be on my guard though...
the content of hte messages would bother me. You dont just text someone randomly that you "want them" or "miss them".
sounds more intimate than he is letting on to me.
Why don't you tell DH you want to text her back from your phone, if he genuinely wants her to stop he won't mind. Bare faced cheek of this woman though....texting a MM and boss ..very predatory....I have so much to learn
I'd give him the benefit of the doubt too.
Another tack - tell him she could be setting him up for a sexual harassment case and for his own security he needs to alert his line manager and call the agency she's from.
Yes to benefit of doubt.....once you have checked phone bill and the next one. If nothing on there then nothing to confront him with
Yes to benefit of doubt.....once you have checked phone bill and the next one. If nothing on there then nothing to confront him with
I am very sorry.
Well it does look suspicious. If she is harassing him, then he has texts to prove it. With written proof, it would very easy to address at work. HR would deal with it.
No advice. Only sympathy.
I have checked the phone bill online and he never sent any text messages to that number in the last month. All the messages from her were recent, in the last couple of weeks.
He said he wants to get rid of her but he is a little worried that if he just sacks her she may say something about him.
Everything he has said has made sense. I am just still feeling shocked.
I think he's probably telling the truth. I also think he needs to tell someone else at work what's going on, so as to cover his back should any sexual harrassment issues follow. And yes, if she's temping the agency can send someone new in on Monday.
What could she possibly say about him? He's hiding something. You haven't got the full picture yet.
Why don't say this - "You know, Mr Bubble, I think I will just have a chat with this woman myself, just to put my mind at rest. Unless there is anything you want to tell me first?"
And then see what he says.
Sorry - so what Celia's already said.
It does sound as though he is telling you the truth tbh, you need to find out why he didn't tell you about it though.
If it is an iPhone the pin came with the iOS upgrade, I would say that his using an obvious one is a good sign.
The new iPhone system does make you set up a pin (you can avoid it but it really wants you to).
If you've checked phone bill then it starts to sound more plausible that he's telling the truth.
Is he being understanding and kind about your fears or is he minimising them...?
If she's a temp he doesn't have to sack her...just ring the agency and tell them they have no further need for her.
Btw, I would believe him.
Any calls to the number?
It could be him just being ultra careful there is nothing you could find to directly incriminate him. He could be responding on work email /IM or a deletable chat app.
I want to believe him, but 'I want you' is not a sentiment that comes up outside an intimate situation, I don't think it that likely someone would say that randomly out of the blue, even if they were a bit nuts. And 'I miss you' requires her to have something to miss. What, I wonder?
I agree the texts sound a bit much to be random. It sounds like she could be a one off encounter that he is trying to give the brush off or, like he says, a bit unstable.
So the PIN thing is part of the new iPhone thing and him using a number you would guess is a good sign.
But others are right that NO ONE starts sending messages like that out of the blue and combined with his comment that he can't fire her because he is worried what she will say, it starts to smell a bit fishy.
If DH had received a message like that out of the blue he would have done two things: he would have told me and he would immediately have texted back to tell her it was entirely inappropriate. He did neither of those things which is, at the very least, odd.
No way! I bet something has happened two weeks ago. I will bet anything you want. Isn't that the timeframe of him starting to behave suspiciously too? He had a one night stand with her but she wants more. This will come and bite him in the ass.
There are no calls to her number either.
She also sent one text that was really quite graphic and one that sounded nonsense and one in another language.
He didn't say he was worried she would say something, they were my words, I can't remember what his were, something like she may cause trouble. Sorry, I'm probably sounding all mixed up but that's how I feel at the moment.
I told him if it was me I would have told him if someone had been texting me and that I would have told someone at work but he said he thought it best to just ignore her. Her last message actually said "Thanks for ignoring me"
He hasn't been acting suspiciously apart form putting the phone somewhere different. I just had a feeling about something.
He has said she will go very soon but she isn't from an agency, he employed her directly but on a temporary contract.
I asked him why he didn't tell me about it and he said he didn't want me to worry and get upset - like I'm not worried and upset now...
Nothing you have described either confirms or denies an affair, really.
However what you do know is that he started hiding his phone away around the time she started texting him. He was expecting the texts, or the possibility of them, and had the foresight to keep his phone elsewhere.
Trust your gut, and look at actions rather than words.
Well, her txts by all rights should continue and, naturally, DH won't mind you seeing them.
Unless he warns her off but why would he do that if he didn't do that prior to you knowing about them.
I'm with Bellend on this one. It sounds to me as if he's had an encounter with this woman within the last month or so and is now trying to brush her off and she's taken exception to this. If she truly is unhinged or harassing him, he should contact their HR. Contractors are easy to get rid of and often have contracts terminated at very short notice. That's the nature of contracting. He could easily get rid of her if he had nothing to hide.
I think you need to ring her, or text her. Get her side of the story and just see if anything adds up i.e. if she says they met at x place and x time, could it have been plausible?
if he is telling you the whole truth then I feel bad for him, this is a horrible situation to be in. What strikes me though is why didn't he tell you from the outset what was going on? If someone was harassing me the first person I'd speak to would be DH.
If it is all a genuine case of harassment, save the messages and go straight to the Cops. Your DH shouldn't have any qualms about them investigating if he's innocent.
All the best
Whatever he has done he must have lead her on to a certain extent.
Why on earth would she be texting, "I miss you" and such like. Unhinged women are often a result of deceitful men IME.
The problem with phoning her is if she is crackers then she'll make it up anyway.
I'm not sure tbh. The content of the texts is very intimate and therefore I think something must have happened or been implied by your dh.
It may be as simple as he's had lunch with her, flirted abit and she's got a bit attached. Your the best one to judge what he's capable of doing.
I kind of believe him. I remember at my first office job a girl, slightly younger than me hitting on anything that moved who then started stalking our supervisor. It got so bad HE left! Poor bloke had only just got married and this silly girl got so obsessed she even sent poison pen letters to his lovely wife. Luckily it all stopped when he left and I think the girls mother had to be involved. I moved offices in the end because I relocated to London so I don't know what happened to the girl in the end.
Get your husband to speak to HR and let them know the situation because if she's harassing him them surely she can be sacked for it. Don't let it go on like my poor supervisor did just because he felt sorry for her.
Of course your husband could have made it all up and something has happened but getting your husband to speak to HR will sort it out and you'll know either way.
I believe him. It's the PIN thing that did it for me - if he was hiding something he wouldn't have used one you share.
IOS7 does ask you to put a PIN in.
The fact that he has used your normal pin kind of makes me think he's not trying to hide anything. Yes, hiding his phone is not natural but is it embarrassment? Certainly her texts sound like they are welcomed but he should stop this behaviour with him being the manager, he can!
I am inclined to believe him but if he is telling the truth she is seriously unhinged and harassing him and he must report it and get everything documented.
If he won't do that then something happened 2 weeks ago. When was the last work night out?
It sounds like he may be telling the truth but if this is the case you need to stress that he has made you doubt him by handling it so badly.
If his story is the truth I would expect her texts to have been reported to work and her to have been told unequivocally to stop. If she didnt she should be sacked and reported to the police and he absolutely should have told you about it straight away. Because he hasn't done any of this it makes him look very suspicious and is ruining your relationship.
If DH got one message like this he would be showing it to me in a WTF!!! type of way. No way would he say nothing. Something has happened. Maybe some flirting or other inappropriate behaviour.
If your DH is sticking with the " she's crazy" alibi then tell him he needs to report her to HR for sexual harassment. Why not suggest he calls them in your presence for advice?
Call her. Or get one of your mates to call her.
Why are you ignoring me? does not sound like a random, stalker. It sounds like something has happened. I would speak to her to find out what she wants.
if I had no interest in someone I worked with that kept texting me I would say' stop texting me. I have a wife.i have no interest in you.also you are working for me and it is inappropriate and unprofessional'
is there some reason he hasn't done that?
Katie , I can absolutely see my Dh ignoring this and hoping it went away. He wouldn't be "hiding" it he would be pretending it wasn't happening because he would be scared - if it's true. He might also be protecting me because he knew it would worry/upset me. He'd be wrong to but i do think faced with the events in op's dh's story that might be how he behaved.
Once i knew about ut i would insist it was reported as harassment
I can see that Each Day, I suppose I can only go from my own perspective. But I do think this smells fishy.
Oh, i agree,i think the midtown likely scenario is that "something" happened a couple of weeks ago and he's hiding from that - treating both women badly.
But, I think there's enough doubt that he should be given the benefit of it ftb. If he is cheating there are a few things that don't add up. Not a single call/text to her number. A reasonable explanation for why he had to set up a pin code but then uses one op would guess
Hadn't finished! Didn't delete anything.
Whatever-if he won't report it i tthink op will have her answer
Possibly a ons? No strings, it's over, as far as he is concerned. But she feels differently?
Honestly, just speak to the woman and ask her what she wants.
I don't know what speaking to the woman would achieve. Whatever she says will still fit the unhinged woman stalking me story
He needs to call HR whilst you are around and report her.
If he doesn't want to do this, as in doesn't want to report an 'unhinged woman who is texting him inappropriatly'...
Then you know everything he is saying is bollocks. And I would be checking his whatsapp and Facebook too.
If I had a crazy person messaging me, is have definitely warned myny husband
Ten years of marriage and you have NEVER had cause to doubt your husband, a pin that you guessed correctly first time round, no evidence of outgoing texts or phone calls on the itemised bill and an perfectly plausible explanation from your husband about what has happened. Not all women are mad stalkers or respect boundaries but some are and just because nobody here may have personally experienced it doesn't mean to say it couldn't happen to anyone here.
I would believe him. I certainly wouldn't be speaking with someone who is trying to create trouble within my marriage and put stock in anything they say.
Sorry but I think I was given the "she's crazy" line. Ask yourself...in your experience have you, your friends, siblings etc ever had a 'mad' person texting you ''miss you' texts? For no reason?? No. Exactly. Funny how its always a man who has also been hiding his phone. And putting a pin code on it. Sorry op, dig z bit further and you'll find an ow/ fling/ ons xx
I'm with all that have said something has gone on.
I miss you, I want you aren't things you would say without knowing there is a mutual feeling imo.
could be they've been together. could be he was implying they would. either way it doesn't add up. and personally dh would be the first person id show the texts too in a wtf way.
cover for a smother here I think.
I think you should phone her, and casually say, 'Look, I've seen the texts you are sending my dh and I'm just wondering why?
She might say something like 'Ask you dh' to which I would say, I have but I'd like to hear your side of the story.
I bet you she will say there is more to it. Your gut instinct will tell you if something doesn't add up.
Yep....gut instinct tells you all you need to know. Listen to it and you can't go wrong.
Some if the predatory scheming shit I've seen colleagues do over the years to bag the boss is unreal, so it's plausible. If your husband is incapable of dealing with her, Call her from his phone just to remind her that he was a wife and the attention, presumably, is unwanted.
I have written about 10 replies and deleted them all. I am on the fence, totally & completely - very, very unlike me.
I hope you can get it sorted though and it doesn't leave you feeling insecure in your relationship.
Sorry to say but there was one message on my husband's phone and he left 3 months ago, you'll find out soon enough. The woman will tighten the screw soon enough, mine was a lost cause thought this women was the future......just shows you what mr wiggle wants, mr wiggle gets, may I say - at a price.
Well, we had a long talk tonight and he told me his side of the story.
About a month ago he received the first text and he immediately phoned her and asked what on earth she was doing and told her she shouldn't be texting disgusting messages to him, he said she laughed at him and he told her it wasn't funny and not to do it again, she told him she liked him and he said he was a married man and not interested.
A while later she texted again and he ignored it, this was followed by another 4 messages, which he ignored.
He said he had no idea that she liked him as she acted perfectly normal at work and she only works 2 days a week and they actually only work together for about 3 hours a day.
He also said she has been acting very strange at work, bursting into tears for no reason and picking arguments with other staff, not turning up for work etc. and she has been given a warning over this. I know the last bit is true as he told me about it a few months ago.
Anyway, he said she has been asked to look for a new job and will be going soon and he has promised he will speak to her again about the texts.
He said he hasn't told anyone else at work because he felt ashamed and didn't want them to know.
I do believe him but I have told him he has to get rid of her and he has promised she will be gone soon. I also told him he was wrong to keep it from me.
I hope he sorts this out soon as it really freaked me out and until she has gone I will worry.
Thanks for letting me talk I had so much going round my head, one minute I was convinced he was telling me the truth and the next that he was lying. But he has never done anything before to make me disbelieve him so I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. I have warned him though never to keep anything like that from me in the future.
This sounds very suspicious tbh. How do you go from sending those types of messages to your manager?? Think about that, you would need to be really comfortable to think you can cross that line.
I think him using the pin code is just covering up should you ever find out. And if he doesn't reply in text, doesn't mean he isn't talking about it at work.
The pin code was added as he upgraded to IOS7 and he used the pin code we use for everything.
I will still be very observant for any odd behaviour but my instinct tells me he is telling the truth.
Is there a call to her number around the time he says on the phone records?
He doesn't use what's app nor does he have Facebook. He doesn't even have an email address, he isn't very up to date with these things!
I haven't checked whether he has a call to her but he could have phoned from work.
It sounds feasible to me.
And it's not that easy to sack people these days, imagine if he had gone screaming down to HR demanding that this woman must be sacked. Everyone would assume something had been going on, and she might have happily fanned the flames.
Just do nothing, though it might take a while for her to leave.
If she also has an iPhone messages would go through iMessage and I don't think show on the phone bill.
I think that's feasible and I'm glad you've sorted it with him.
I still think it's vital that he reports it though. If she can do this there's no knowing what she's capable of, especially if she feels she's been forced to leave. It could get really nasty for him and he needs to get his defence in first.
I think he's lying but I hope I'm wrong.
It sounds feasible but I still don't believe it. Keeping quiet makes him look guilty, he is a manager FFS, I presume there are procedures which he could have followed. Some woman is sending him suggestive texts and he didn't tell you as not to worry you, hmm, he didn't tell you because it would have been uncomfortable for him.
I think at best he's being selective with the truth and at worst he's done something, either way he needs to man up and deal with this. His continued silence at work over this is only compounding the problem and still could bite him on the arse, if she is as unhinged as he says she is what makes him think that her leaving would change her behaviour.
IOS7 asks you twice for a passcode as part of the installation process, it isn't a default setting and saying no twice is hardly taxing, IOS7 also makes it easier to block numbers. So he has added a passcode but not blocked her number.
He could be telling the truth but his head in the sand approach is lazy and could bite him on the ass.
I think something probably happened too. Maybe just a drunken kiss or heavy flirting but something.
However I don't think you can know for sure so innocent until proven guilty.
I think it is feasible but still suspicious and still for the reasons I outlined in my last post.
I don't see why reporting sexually harassing messages would be called "going screaming down to hr" and I think that is an exceptionally damaging post Justin. He simply should have reported the texts to hr, told his wife, and if the texts continued after action was taken then as she is a temp it would be easy for hr to get rid of her and get a new temp.
Really don't think we should be encouraging people to think that reporting sexual harassment at work will ruin your workplace reputation!
In fact if he is the manager then surely he should be leading by example on this issue.
Sorry op but I would go see him in work and ask to see his work email.
I would not tell him beforehand, just turn up at random.
How did she get his number?
If someone I was managing sent me inappropriate text messages I would involve HR immediately and aim to have them moved/suspended...
unless something had happened between us...
No email address? Really?
But has an iPhone and has just updated to iOS 7? A hell of a lot more up to date than I am and I though I was quite "with it"!
I'm sorry, but something really doesn't ring true here. As others have said, if he's that innocent etc, why did he not just report to HR? Unless he has his own skin to save??
I think there is more to this OP, I hope there isn't, but I think there is.
If I were him I would be telling HR what is going on. Keeping it secret won't do him any favours if she decides to cause trouble. If he is being honest with you I can't think of a single reason why he wouldn't want to involve HR. She could make all sorts of accusations and if it came out that she had been texting him it would seem odd that he didn't say anything to his manager or HR, especially as he is her manager.
Personally I think there is more too it. I would be checking credit card bills too looking for a payg phone and any out of the norm expenditure.
Why would he 'feel ashamed' to go to HR. He's her boss. Surely he would be wanting to protect his job at all costs (if she's unhinged, as he says...).
My spidey-senses are tingling but he's your DH - you know him best
I think if it was me I'd have blocked her number after the first few texts, especially as he is her manager and could become involved in some false accusations etc.
why didn't he block her number? I think there's must be more to this tbh, even if its that he at least lead her on then panicked...
Erm I'm pretty sure that you can't have an iTunes account without an email address and you can't have an iPhone without an iTunes account. And even if you could you get a .me email address automatically.
I'm not usually terribly cynical but he is definitely spinning you a line in relation to that and so I would consider everything else that comes out of his mouth to be equally rubbish
I'd still be suspicious.
imo philandering husbands having second thoughts about things are more common than cuckoo bunnyboiler temps so on the balance of probabilities I' still be very vigilant.
That's what I was getting at Platinum
DH hadn't got a clue wrt emails and iTunes etc, so it was a sharp learning curve for him when he got an iPhone!
Does he backup to the cloud OP? If so, everything he has ever sent/received/deleted, will be there.
My spidey senses are in overdrive here.
If he is innocent he is extraordinarily naive. Even if the person was a long term employee, explicit texts could constitute gross misconduct. Am amazed he hasn't fired her.
I'm usually a very cynical person, but it sounds like there could be a lot of truth in what's happened to your DH.
In only that I know DH employed a girl, about 4 years ago, who seemed perfectly normal and balanced...but over a period of 3 months turned out to be quite disturbed.
She didn't fixate on DH, but on another member of staff. She behaved very inappropriately, caused a lot of upset and deliberate hurt to the bloke (and his DP). She harrassed him via text. Sent him emails, and set up a hotmail address where she pretended to be him, replying to her. And a lot of other quite complicated nasty tricks.
Most worryingly is that she was (on the surface) very composed, and very convincing.
Luckily, she was on a temp contract, and so DH just didn't renew it. She threatened to sue, blamed everyone, got very aggressive, threatened tribunals.
Turned out, that she had tried to take her previous 3 employers to tribunals, too.
Luckily nothing came of it. But she really wasn't well, poor girl
It's not sounding very likely...
He must have work email address for a start.
If a guy from work texted me some lewd message I certainly wouldn't phone them straight back.
He didn't report her, sack her, or block her.
He said: "he wants to get rid of her but he is a little worried that if he just sacks her she may say something about him."
What could she possibly have on him?
It sounds like they've had some fling & it's gone bad.
He doesn't have an email address, he uses mine for everything. I set up itunes for him on my email address.
There is no HR department, he would have to report to the person above him who doesn't seem to take anything seriously. He has had countless meetings with him about other work issues and nothing ever gets done. He is also definitely a person who tries to ignore things in the hope they will go away.
I am just hoping she is gone within the next couple of weeks, I have horrible thoughts of her turning into someone like LaQueen talks of!
Exactly op. I think at best he's been naive for leaving the texts unchallenged on a professional level. He should have disciplined her properly. Orcas I said eSrlier, blocked her number?!
*Or as I said earlier.....
Oh and he can't block her number as she works for him so he needs to be able to contact her, which is also why she has his number, he has the numbers of all his staff.
As far as I know he doesn't have an individual work email address either, he uses the generic work one as I have sent some things to that email address for him from home before now.
I did explain that "she may say something" were my words. I can't remember his exact words it was more like he wanted to make sure is was done through the proper channels. She has other problems at work like timekeeping and not turning up for work and arguing with other staff and he has had to give he a warning about that already so it shouldn't be too hard to get rid of her now.
Easy peasey then. If iTunes is in your name restore the phone to an earlier date and if there are any suspect messages you'll be able to see them.
Similarly if he is hopelessly naive as you say try a "spotlight" search which will show up messages even if they've even deleted. The word "fuck" is a good place to start.
The thing I find most odd is if he's innocent surely he'd have told OP as soon as he'd got the first text? What's so hard about telling your wife that a woman at work has developed a fixation for no reason and has sent an inappropriate text? Keeping it quiet looks more dodgy than the text itself. Maybe I just expect openness in a marriage though.
I have already checked his phone bill and there were no text messages to her number since he received those ones.
I am actually very angry that he didn't tell me about it and he has apologised.
I'm glad you believe him and I think you're probably right to do so, but honestly in your/his position I'd be really worried about what her next course of action might be.
If she's sacked/forced to leave she's going to be angry/upset. We know she's a bit unhinged to say the least. This will come back to bite your DH. Even if his boss won't "do" anything he still needs to meet with him and tell him about the situation. He then needs to write minutes/ a summary of his discussion, email them to the boss and ask him to reply confirming that it's a clear reflection of what was said. He must get it on record that he has raised concerns. He must.
Granny - if she has an iPhone the messages will automatically be sent as iMessages which won't show on the phone bill.
It's very unusal for a young woman to persistantly send unsolicited text messages
Yes, you are right and I will keep telling him that.
As an added bonus he can show you the email chain, just to allay any lingering fears
A friend recently uncovered an affair...there were literally only 4 or 5 texts to the OW number on a bill. I think it's because he was prob was sapping or the texts were I messages.
Somebody upthread made a good point op...do a spotlight search on his I phone....search her name and any key words...just to put your mind At rest.
I dont believe him and i think he's making her sound unhinged to save his own arse.
I suspect something has happened between them. Maybe he was flirting with her, and she has taken it more seriously? But that story that he's given you is clearly bollocks.
I believe him, and I'm a cynical old boot.
I think I believe him but I'm really not sure all sounds very odd. I would definitely have a look at the iMessages you can restore them I believe as text wouldn't show on a phone bill. If clear then....ok, he's been a fool not telling you but I can kinda see a way that make sense.
The pin is definitely a update thing, it takes a bit of effort to not have one now I do and previously never did.
I hope you are ok.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I am ok thank you
He went back into work yesterday and he spoke to her, told her she was out of order sending text messages like that to him, he also told her I had seen them. He said she was very embarrased and apologised.
He has said sorry isn't good enough though and he has told her to look for another job as he is not keeping her on.
I do know she has been in trouble already at work and he had to give her a written warning (I have seena copy of the letter). While we were on holiday she just didn't turn up to work a couple of times and refused to tell Dh why when he got back. I also remember him telling me at the time that nobody else like her at work because she had mood swings and was argumentative. I also remember him saying one of the other girls had made her cry. When I read the messages I didn't really connect those issues with the same girl, I think I was just in shock at the time. But it does kind of make sense now that she is a bit emotionally unstable.
Anyway, she has been told she will be going soon and he is looking for a replacement so hopefully she will be out of our lives soon enough.
I have warned him though never to keep things form me again. If he told me from the beginning it would have been so much easier.
Thanks for letting me talk, it has made me feel better
Sorry but there clearly was something going on between them, she sent him texts saying she misses and wants him??? His take on her being unhinged etc and a trouble maker helps his corner doesn't it, he could tell you whatever he wants.
If it was me, I'd need more evidence of his supposed innocence. Something happened, that's why she's been texting him not because she's some mad woman on a mission.
I don't think so. I truly believe he is telling the truth.
Yeah ok, so why did he hide his phone from you then? Remember, you checked his phone because you felt suspicious of HIM, not her.
The 'she's a crazy woman' line is a classic, but think about it - how many deranged women have you ever really met, that would send 'I want you/I miss you texts' to someone off the back of nothing at all?!?
Sorry, but he's lying to you.
When backed into a corner it's very easy to have the ability to lie, esp when your whole life is at stake, it's also very easy to believe said liar when you too are thinking of everything at stake.
The crazy woman scenario just doesn't add up as he's never even mentioned her nuttiness to you before, that's odd in itself.
lurked a bit on this thread.
Granny believe your husband if you have to, but 'crazy women' stories only set alarm bells going for me alarm bells of all types - except urban legends telling me to fear those who, reportedly, have mental health problems.
Moreover, I see that this particular 'crazy woman' is now 'embarrassed' and has 'apologized'
So ... what is she? Crazy? or embarassed and remorseful? Don't quite go together as stories.
And, he told her yesterday she was out of order?
methinks me smells a load of uncle tom cobblers and all, myself - but hey - whatever is easier.
Thanks for the replies ladies. Personally I don't see how anyone outside of this can possibly say he's lying as if it is an undisputed fact. I believe him and I know him well. I just feel I would know if he wasn't telling the truth. He may have put his phone somewhere other than where it normally was but it took me 2 minutes to find it, he used our normal pin code and never answered the texts. I checked his phone and he has made no calls to her either.
Jan45 he has said things about her before, like her just not bothering to turn up for work and refusing to say why, arguing with people all the time at work, crying a lot and nobody liking her. I just hadn't connected it at the time.
Anyway he has not been anywhere other than at work and home, there is no time where I haven't known where he is.
I meant I checked the phone bill, not the phone, to see if be had made any calls.
Granny, I've said several times that i think he could well be telling the truth and that if he his he needs to report her and get it properly recorded.
If she's as crazy as he says she's not going to respond well to the message he's given today. If she is all apologetic, sees the error of her ways etc then she's not unhhinged and his story starts to smell.
Tell me again, why won't he report it?
I think he's telling the truth for what it's worth. She sounds like she has some sort of personality disorder and I can't see that he has done anything wrong here at all.
I think you are only hearing what he chooses to tell you.
The only thing you have heard first hand from the OW is what she put in the text messages.
And you clearly weren't supposed to see those.
Think about it - apart from 'she's crazy', what other reason could he have given?
There is no other plausible explanation. Hence him going with the only option available to him. Lucky for him you bought it, hey
I have done a bit of snooping and I can find no evidence of any other messages or phone calls to her.
I also re-read the messages. There were 6 messages the first said I miss in amongst a load of explicit stuff, the second had more explicit stuff with I want you in there too, the third made no sense at all, it was mis-spelled and sounded like nonsense, the next said "the answer should have been cie" whatever cie means I don't know, the next was 3 words in a foreign language (I think she is Polish or something) and the last said "thanks for ignoring me"
As I have no evidence to say he has done anything apart from him not wanting to see the massages I think he is telling the truth that nothing happened. It seems to me that maybe she had too much to drink and sent some stupid messages, if she has a bit of a drink problem that could explain her problems at work too. Obviously I am only guessing here.
In the 10 years we have been married I have never had any reason to doubt him, I am very annoyed that he kept this from me but I honestly don't think he has done anything with her. He has done nothing else suspicious, he hasn't been out anywhere unusual or unaccountable and he is not acting any different from normal.
EachDay, he said he doesn't want to tell his boss because he never does anything, he has had to complain about his staff before and it is just ignored, including someone who was (and probably still is) stealing money! I also think he feels embarrased about it. He is hoping once she goes that will be the end of it.
It's taken me a while to decide to post this.
Granny ... here's my situation...
Dh and I had the strongest relationship possible. I had NO reason at all to doubt him. He'd worshipped me all his young life, knew I was the only one for him. We got together in our mid 20's, I was his first girlfriend. We married and had children. Happy, happy, happy. If there was one relationship that was never in doubt it was ours. I KNEW he'd never ever do anything to jeopardize it. He just wasn't like that. Then one day I casually looked at his phone and found he'd txt a girl at work saying 'can't wait to lie next to you naked' .... shell shocked is an understatement. What rocked my world the most was the fact that I had genuine, complete and utter faith in my dh. 100%, never ever in question. He gave his explanation and we moved on. Roll forward quite a few years and I had suspicions. I found photos on his phone of a not so nice nature. One's he had sent and received. His explanations were pathetic, but plausible (for severe want of a better expression!), making it all seem not entirely his fault...
My point is .. he never hid his phone, didn't have a password, and kept all incriminating evidence on it! Sometimes, men just don't think enough, or the way we do or would expect. Just because your dh phone was accessible does not mean everything is all above board.
FWIW, dh and I are still together, I have a very happy life and marriage, but I still check his phone every single day. The trust on that side is completely gone and will never come back.
How you deal with your situation is entirely up to you. Everyone here is just giving you advice.
Hope you can move on.
If you believe him then nobody can deny you that. If you look at it from an outsiders perspective, it looks dodgy as hell, and the mad woman syndrome just isn't clicking with me, he's never mentioned her before but now you are hearing all about her (since YOU discovered her existence). Not buying the description he is giving of this mental crazy woman I'm afraid. To send texts like she has to your OH would either indicate she is indeed insane or perhaps insanely in love with him, I know which one I'd be buying. Just because you haven't found previous texts doesn't mean they didn't exist.
Regardless of what anyone thinks, you must admit it smells quite rotten.
Yes, but I he had mentioned her before quite a few times, I did say that. I said she had been pulled up for just not turning up at work and refusing to say why and being really cagey about it, that was back in July. I read throught he letter he sent her for her wirtten warning and I remember him saying she had brought it on herself because she wasn't normal. I also knew that nobody liked her because she would pick arguments and refuse to do what anyone asked ages ago and also that she had been bursting into tears when people spoke to her. Dh said she was annoyed with her for all that months ago and told me then.
I don't believe for one minute that she is actually crazy but it seems like she has some problems. Unfortunaley DH isn't very sympathetic when it comes to people who have emotional problems, they are either crazy or stupid!
I do appriciate all your advice and I know it must look suspicious to anyone on the outside but I have to go with my instict now and I feel he is telling the truth that nothing happened.
It just really upset me when someone said "He's lying to you" as if it was an undisputed fact
Granny, I agree you must go with your head but remember your first post, gut instinct?
Maybe he is telling you the whole truth, nobody actually knows for sure, only he does, I'd just be very suspicious about it all and it wouldn't be enough for me, I'd probably have to speak with her too until my mind was at rest.
And yes, I'm afraid on a public forum with an outsiders perspective, being told `he's lying` is fairly typical on here and I don't actually see anything wrong with it, you have to take all the advise given, you don't have to do anything with it though.
Good luck, I didn't mean to offend or paint your OH in a bad light, just giving an outside view.
I do know what it is like here and I know people only say what they feel, I have seen people being told "He's lying" gbefore myself and never thought it was wrong but being on the receiving end feels very different
Granny I get all that, I really do, I think my Dh would likely react the same way, but if everything is as he says it is (i.e. she's that unhinged), she will look to cause trouble for him now she's had the ultimate rejection/once she leaves/is sacked.
If he hasn't at least got it recorded that he raised a complain he won't have a leg to stand on - you've seen how suspicious everyone here is, mostly believing that "something" must have gone on, why would a tribunal be any different? He doesn't necessarily need his boss to "do" anything, especially as on the face of it the situation seems to be coming to a conclusion but if she does bring a case, he needs to have had the fact that he raised a complaint recorded.
And yes, contract and agency workers can raise a claim for sexual harassment - it doesn't matter that she hasn't been there long.
I understand that and I will keep trying to get him to report her. It does worry me a bit that she could do seomtheing whe she leaves.
Thanks for the advice.
It is up to you whether you believe him or not granny and I hope you're ok this must be awful for you.
However he really must at least log her harassment with his bosses, whether they are useless or not, if he officially logs it then he is protected. If not he is leaving himself open to all sorts of allegations.
If he won't....then tbh I think you have a problem because it makes no sense no matter how useless his bosses may be that is irrelevant as it would be a official letter logged in the event she takes things further.
It is unclear whether she is 'crazy' or 'desperately sorry and apologetic' they are not compatible traits.
What would concern me is why he can't dismiss her from her job. You say your husband has said she has something on him or may cause trouble (sorry can't remember your exact words) if he were to sack her.
I'd be asking him what exactly and it better be a good excuse. Without it I'd be inclined to think something HAS happened between them, no matter if it's flirting, kiss or sex.
There is a reason he has not sacked her. He can easily do so on grounds of sexual harassment (assuming nothing has happened of a sexual nature between them), incompetence in the job etc. He can easily write her two more warnings on these grounds, along with causing arguments etc. in quick succession and she's out with no leg to stand on.
I don't think she is either crazy or desperately apologetic. I think she has a problem and probably said sorry because she was put on the spot. He said when he spoke to her on the phone she laughed at him but when confronted face to face she looked embarrassed and said sorry.
I will speak to him tonight about reporting her.
Who hired her? your husband or someone else?
Granville, he has given her notice to find a new job. He needs to find a replacement because he will have to cover for her if she isn't there. He changed his hours a few months back so he could spend more time at home, previoulsy he worked late and every weekend, now he finishes at 5 and doesn't work weekends. He would have to go back to working weekends and late a couple of nights if he doesn't get someone in to replace her, which he doesn't want to do. He is looking for someone new.
Is that a written notice or verbal? It needs to be written and I don't know of any boss giving notice to 'find another job'. You give a written notice clearly stating their final day working and dismissal.
If he needs someone pronto there are plenty of agencies that would have someone there next week.
He's stalling for some reason and it doesn't sit right. He can dismiss her today on grounds of sexual harassment.........assuming there is no grounds for the texts she has sent other than being bonkers.
I know it isn't as easy to get someone as that, each time he has looked for new staff it has taken a while, he doesn't just get someone sent in, he interviews them first.
I will be on at him every day to find out when she is going though and if he can't find someone that quick I will tell him he will just have to do the extra work until he finds someone. I'm not going to sit back and leave it.
No I don't get that either. How can you give someone notice that they're being sacked? If she isn't being sacked, but being allowed to see out her contract, then he hasn't actually done anything.
AFAIK you can't bring a contract to an end by giving notice - you have to show there's been a breach.
I don't know what her contract is but he says she is going as soon as he finds a replacement. I will ask him tonight whether whether he needs to give her written notice
I really really don't think it's possible to give someone such loose notice. Can you imagine being told you'll be leaving as soon as you're replaced but you have no idea when that will actually be? Why on earth would she stay and what value would she be to anyone at work if she did? I'm generally a pretty conscientious type but even I can't imagine pulling my weight, at all, in those circumstances.
I'm sorry, I'm really swinging on this one.From the initial story I believed him but this current effort to pacify you is nonsense. What has he actually done to replace her?
Even I would be considering some minor acts of sabotage. Any employer would want her straight off the premises in that situation.
Do you think she's trying to construct a shallow case for sexual harassment? Hoping he would respond?
She sounds unhinged and a complete liability for any employer. I see this happen a lot. Nightmare em
Nightmare employer dismissed for legitimate reasons. Scrapes together a claim.
As I said before granny I actually believe him, I think he's been a fool but that's all. However this - he will be getting rid of her now- just doesn't make sense. He needs to report her as I said, then issue her with either formal warnings/notice to dismiss or she can be dismissed on grounds of reported sexual harassment pretty much instantly. Especially as she is 'unstable' why would he risk having her there? Just seems very odd. I'm sorry, I hope he can clarify the situation.
It's crap that he will have to work more but necessary I think here.
Yep, as I've already said, dismissed instantly on grounds of sexual harassment.
Still sits uncomfortable as to why your husband will not report it to his boss and his excuse that he wont take is seriously isn't good enough. It needs reporting either way in case she takes it further.
That is of course unless he is hiding something and can't report it because there is an actual reason other than her being a fruit case.
I wouldn't believe his story - sorry.
As others have said, she's a temp so she couldn't be easier to get rid of.
And the messages don't fit with his story - saying you are missing someone and want someone makes it sound as if they are already together.
But mainly I wouldn't believe it because if somebody at work was harassing you and causing you all sorts of problems, wouldn't you have mentioned it to your partner before?
Sorry my post seems to have missed the point by miles - I did my normal thing of reading the OP then wading straight in....
I'm afraid that I had 35 not 10 years for never having to doubt my H and even found out after 2txts and one lunch date, so I knew him very well!!
What he is telling you doesn't make sense on so many levels, you make him out to be a weak whimp, His boss doesn't listen to him and nor do his staff?
The hardest thing is the realisation that they can lie or not tell the truth. Your original gut is the one you should trust. The rest you can listen to but check it out to the last degree and if this woman is so bad at her job, doesn't even turn up , upsets the others and is only temporary , his reasons for her not having left yet are odd to say the least.
It must be hard hearing people who don't know you or your DH clamouring to give their opinion but you must see his scenario is gett
Sorry... His scenario is getting more incredible by the minute. Temps are easy to get rid of, you just "return them" to the agency. His suggestion that she might say something to cause trouble if he gets rid of her is absurd, if someone is that much of a troublemaker any sane person with nothing to hide would get rid of them in a flash.
I said it before but I would do a spotlight search on his phone and/or restore it to an earlier date on iTunes.
I know it is not the MN philosophy and I would never suggest talking to the OW once you know what's going on., but a quick chat with her might give you a clearer perspective.
Sorry, maybe I haven't been clear in my posts. She did not come from an agency, my husband employed her himself. She works a couple of days a week and is not a permanent member of staff, I don't know if she is on some sort if contract, whether she had been given notice verbally or written and I don't know when she is going. I will ask him tonight so I am clearer.
Also he never suggested she may cause trouble or say something when she left. Those were my words. Sorry if I am confusing anyone.
Sorry,haven't read through all the posts but I believe him. Using a pin number you know is hardly him trying to hide a secret from you.
FWIW I believe him too. You know him the best. Go with your gut.
Just read the whole thing, and yes I'd be inclined to believe him too. Slightly unhinged fantasists do exist, after all, and they don't need a reason to fix on someone, other than that person being a normal kind//friendly/pleasant member of the oposite sex.
He was daft to try to keep the messages and situation from you, and I think that was because he felt a bit panicky about how you might react if he spoke to you about the situation, and so decided he would deal with it himself and then you need never know and become upset.
That's been his real major mistake. . -
I'm not saying you would react badly, you seem to be very level headed, and I'm sure he knows what you are like , as you do him but such explicit messages from a young woman on any husbands phone might make the best of us raise a very suspicious eyebrow at even a trusted husband and feel a bit wobbly! I dare say he hoped it would be done and dusted before he needed to say anything to you .
Could she have been teaching him Polish?
Cie is "you" as in the phrase "I love you".
Secretmum41 I am intrigued to know how your dh bullshitted his way out of that one! Seems like he was pretty much bang to rights, no?
Do you not mind being married to a man you have so little trust in that you have to check his phone every day? I think that would drive me insane? Still, each to their own I suppose, good luck to you!
jacey .. he didn't bullshit his way out ... how could he? .. all evidence was plain as day! He was very apologetic etc and we eventually worked through it. Re the trust thing - it drove me absolutely insane in the early days. I decided to stick with my marriage. I trust him almost completely, I check just to be sure. Like OP, I'm with dh pretty much 24/7 so there's no time for him to be with someone else, his 'infidelity' was all on phone/text. That doesn't make it any different mind in my eyes.
I only posted to let OP know/realise that things can go on even if your heart/head tells you it's impossible. I can honestly say that I would NEVER EVER have doubted my dh even for a second. But ... it happens.
Good luck to all. Whatever choice anyone makes in these circumstances is right for them and may not be able to be understood by others.
I found photos on his phone of a not so nice nature. One's he had sent and received. His explanations were pathetic, but plausible (for severe want of a better expression!), making it all seem not entirely his fault...
I think this is what jacey was referring to secretmum. This doesn't quite tally with him being apologetic, it sounds like he was making excuses and trying to save his own skin.
I too am curious as to what explanation could be deemed 'plausible' for sending compromising photos of himself to another woman?
scary - of course he was trying to make excuses and save his own skin, I was and am fully aware of that. 'Plausible' was the wrong word/expression, I did say that in brackets afterwards. I can't/couldn't think of the words I needed. There is no excuse for what he did, nothing to make it acceptable. It was plain and simple wrong. What I chose to do was work through it. My choice. Like I said, I only posted to help OP and others to realise that you can have what is the perfect relationship, one which is so devoted that 'playing away' could never be considered... but it can happen. What OP decides to do is her choice, I just want to get across the message not to be too blinkered in a relationship. That's all. Hope this clarifies.
I think he's lying sorry something doesn't add up for me.
secretmum Yes, I know what you mean.
We can trust someone 100% until they give us reason not to.
Anyone is capable of lying.
Anyone is capable of cheating.
It's up to us to decide what we will accept and what we won't.
'The answer should have been cie' - she means 'si' as in 'yes'.
In that context, two very explicit come hither texts, then some pissed off ones about should have answered yes and why are you ignoring me sounds like a plausible conversation. You can't tell from that though whether there was any reason for her to suppose there might be an opportunity for them to get together or whether she really just did spontaneously text him.
I thought I would give you an update.
I finally convinced Dh to report to his manager, which he has now done. He has also spoken to the woman again and told her if she ever does anything like this he will go further and report her to the police.
Anyway she is going soon. He couldn't sack her on the spot because she is on a contract and his boss needed to be involved.
I have told him he caused me a lot of grief by not telling me about it in the first place but he thought he could resolve it all without involving me. He now realises that was the wrong thing to do.
I am feeling a lot happier now
Thanks for being there when I needed to talk though ladies.
So pleased for you. There are some good men still it seems
What do you mean he couldn't sack her on the spot because his boss needed to be involved? He said he told his boss, so his boss is involved.
You obviously believe the man and you're happy with the outcome but from an outsider's point of view I would still be sceptical. Were you there when he told his manager? Otherwise you've only got his word for it.
Sorry I didn't explain properly. He couldn't sack her before because his boss had to be involved. His boss is now involved so they can now get rid her, I have seen the letter that has been sent so I know it's true.
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